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Jesus Bomb - The Second Coming - Will Sands

A 10-part, or so, series, this fall on CBS. "Jesus bombs the little children, al
l the little children of Iraq. Oh, he hates them left and right, yes, he hates t
hem white or black. Jesus bombs the little children of Iraq."
(scene fades as Choirmaster Bush relaxes testicle clips on tenors)
(cross fade to CBS commentator Digby Graves in the heart of Baghdad)
"Yes, Digby Graves here, Katie, as we continue our special on the Second Coming.
We have a special guest standing by who has generously carved out a few minutes
of his busy schedule to shed some light on the vast changes sweeping the Middle
East, changes which promise to usher in a new era of, uh, peace and understandi
ng. Jesus, tell us, sir, just what, in your estimation, this portends for......
excuse me, sir, I was expecting Jesus, not Malcolm X, and ... who, best I can te
ll, was not slated for resurrection tonight."
"Excuse me, Digby, but I am the man Jesus. Let not the snappy desert fatigues cl
oud thy vision. Open thine ears and close thy mouth and hear the truth."
"But Mr. Christ, how or what ... I mean, what or how ........ bottom line, sir,
you must understand these are strange times we witness, and most, or at least ma
ny, well, you see, were not expecting a man ... of ... well, your persuasion, th
at is, to say ...
"May I repeat, close thy mouth and hear the truth. Fear not this 'sand nigger',
a term to which so many of your viewers can relate. Dark though I be, I hold the
grain of truth, the miniscule piece of sand, the true grit of spirit, the etern
al burr that hath scored the hide beneath the saddle of this region for, lo, the
se millennia. And verily I say unto you, the burr of ages hath lost its pricks,
if you get my drift." (field producer prompts through Digby's earpiece: "He's sp
eaking in Democratic political metaphor, allusion, Digby, get with it.)
"Pardon me for interrupting, Mr. Christ, but we -- and I would suspect many of o
ur viewers -- are a bit confused about the theme of the Senate Boy Choir regardi
ng this talk of peace which you seem to suggest. Administration sources had indi
cated a wonderful evening's apocalypse was in store, a holocaust envisioned in n
othing less than Revelation, a cleansing of unprecedented proportions that would
render the Middle East -- and the world -- safe for oi... that is, freedom and
Christian worship."
"May I repeat, sir, the burr hath lost its pricks, Satan is on the dole, the pri
ce is right, and the miller's wheel of white bread hath turned its last, hearken
ing a new beginning. I know not what further vernacular to employ to engage thou
ght in thy simple mind."
"Well, Mr. Christ, we had been led to believe -- on good authority, unofficial a
uthority, of course -- that the remaining young heathens would be, er, be, well,
given their eternal papers tonight, what with the air strikes aligned, carefull
y, of course, so as to avoid any collateral media damage. Of course, a message w
ithout a medium is a bit of a tree in the forest, you see."
"Yes, Mr. Digby, we in the business of eternal verities are very aware that your
man Bush has succeeded in issuing 'eternal papers' as you suggest to all adult
Muslims, the squeamish among you balking at the outright slaughter of inconvenie
nt youth, thus delaying the apocalypse. You see, in the eternal scheme, delays a
re often of little consequence. Thus we had remained puzzled -- and a bit fatigu
ed -- with your whole hastening bit."
"So, then, you're saying, Mr. Christ, that, well, we may be in for a longer even
ing than we had anticipated?"
"Mr. Digby, I'll leave you momentarily to rearrange the messy bits of station br
eaks and advertising. I have an important appearance at a Palestinian youth rall
y in about 10 minutes."
"Okay, then Katie. As we just heard, the Second Coming appears to be well underw
ay, and we'll continue our exclusive coverage throughout the evening."
"Thanks, Digby. We'll check back with you later in the newscast. Meanwhile, clos
er to home, Paris Hilton, today, suggested there may have been more to the carin
g relationship she developed with Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca than she h
ad let on. More after this break."