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A Hump A Day Keeps The Ministry Toadies Away

In which Percy Weasley learns that it’s best not to irritate Harry Potter’s boyfriend.

Illustration by Naadi

“…and if you’d like to follow me this way, ladies, gentlemen, goblin contingency from
Gringotts, and those representatives of dual-species heritage, I’ll be happy to show you
the extent of the restoration and rebuilding work in Gryffindor Tower.”

Harry hung back, just out of sight, behind a disgusting Erumpent foot umbrella stand that
had probably been collecting dust since the days of Phineas Nigellus’s reign of
humourless terror over the poor, unsuspecting students of Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry. He wagged his tails happily as he watched Draco escorting the
group of dignitaries around the school while it was subjected to the finishing touches
ahead of its grand re-opening.

Draco had an efficiency of manner and confidence with crowds that Harry lacked, which
was the main reason he had submitted (rather ungraciously, it must be said) to Professor
McGonagall’s request for tour guides. Well, Harry had had a hand in his acquiescence too
(quite literally as it happened), and after his initial resounding ‘NO’, Harry had escorted a
suddenly flushed and slightly moist Draco to Professor McGonagall’s office, where he
had retracted his refusal and stated he’d be only too happy to help. Harry had stood
smirking in the background, quite out of Draco’s line of sight, but it was clear from the
way McGonagall had looked over the tops of her glasses at him that she’d known he was
somehow responsible for the atypical change of Malfoy’s stony heart. It was equally clear
from the way she’d swallowed uncomfortably that she didn’t want to know the details of
the bribe that had so obviously taken place, however.

“What exactly have you been doing, acquainting yourself so well with Gryffindor
Tower?” Percy Weasley demanded of Draco, managing to squeeze the maximum amount
of disdain and suspicion into his words. Harry’s cruptastic ears pricked up (which made a
change, because it was usually lower parts that did the pricking up these days) and he

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scampered purposefully after the group, making sure to keep Percy clearly in his line of

“Having been resident at the school for some months, I’ve been privy to all of the
construction details,” Draco responded smoothly, ignoring the provocation in Percy’s
voice whilst making the point that Percy had not been part of the information loop. “If
you’d all like to mount the staircase and turn left at the top,” he continued, standing
aside to usher his group past. “And do be careful of the thirteenth step. We’d hate to
lose anyone to the black hole, wouldn’t we?”

The barely perceptible roll of Draco’s eyes and his pointed sneer at Percy’s back informed
Harry otherwise. He half expected to see Draco’s wand surreptitiously set a Trip Jinx at
step number twelve, just for the hell of it.

The click-click-click of Harry’s claws on stone alerted Draco to his presence, and when he
turned round and found Harry trotting towards him, he made a rude hand gesture and
something that looked rather like a threat of strangulation, unless Draco knew of a
slightly more vigorous method of masturbation that he’d failed to introduce Harry to
thus far. The latter option seemed unlikely though when coupled with his thunderous
facial expression.

Draco swept up the stairs after his party in a Snape-like flurry of robes, not even
bothering to check that Harry’s little legs could manage the Crup-killing danger between
steps twelve and fourteen.

“As you can see on the left, this recess provides the opportunity for further space-
compressing redevelopment to permit the addition of a secret room, where students
might stay in safety in the event of future attacks.”

One of the goblins had a small abacus in his hand, and Harry felt sure he was calculating
the cost of the loan interest on the staggeringly large Hogwarts remortgage. Harry
padded past the goblin, who had trailed behind as he undertook his complex
mathematical equation, and he caught a quickly-suppressed look of alarm on the goblin’s
face. Confused only momentarily, Harry let out an amused yip when it occurred to him
that from a goblin’s perspective he was roughly equivalent to the size of a Great Dane.

“And what, exactly might you know of future attacks on the school, Malfoy?” Percy
persisted, doing his utmost to break through Draco’s veneer of polite insouciance.
“Father planning a final killing spree from his windowless cell in Azkaban, perhaps?”

There were hisses of shock and surprise from several of the group members, and when
Draco turned to face Percy head on, he wore the expression of bland indifference that
Harry knew meant Big. Trouble.

Oh crap. Draco was about to do something to get himself expelled even before the
school had reopened. Harry had to do something fast! He couldn’t allow Draco to ruin his
future, not to mention that if he wasn’t at Hogwarts Harry wouldn’t be able to soap his

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bum cheeks in the shower, or enjoy any more ‘ferret-down-the-trousers-and-snuggling-

the-testicles’ games, which had started when Draco had finally discovered his Animagus

There was no time! Harry had to act fast!

Captain Crup to the rescue!

Barrelling along on his cute, gay legs, Harry flung himself into the midst of the shell-
shocked group and homed in on Percy Weasley. Or rather, his legs. More specifically still,
his right leg, which was nicely accessible beneath the open flap of his robes.

With nary a thought for his own future mental distress, Harry hopped up on his back legs
and assaulted Percy’s lower limb, humping the trouser leg for all his doggy parts were
worth. His twin tails went p-pat, p-pat, p-pat on the floor as his hips pounded into Percy’s
calf, and there was a horrible moment of realisation that he was rubbing his (thankfully
flaccid) penis on Ron’s older brother before the blessed relief of emotional
compartmentalisation clanged down in Harry’s doggy brain.

Percy shook his leg, surreptitiously at first, in the vain hope that no one had noticed his
new admirer. But when Harry’s Crup tenacity held strong, Percy kicked his leg out wildly,
landing a hefty thump onto the delicate shin of the very elderly First Minister of
Wizarding Women’s Institutes, knocking her to the ground in a flurry of lacy bloomers
and a shriek of pain.

“Dis-gusting display,” the representative of the Puffskein Husbandry Association cried, as

he lunged forward to rescue the fallen lady from Percy’s by now quite outrageously
unsafe bodily jerking. “What are you doing, man!” he shouted at Percy, who looked
thunderstruck that his personal discomfort was being completely ignored in favour of
some blowsy old trout who made bubotuber jam as a hobby.

“Mr Weasley, might I ask you to refrain from injuring any of the other guests,” Draco said
smugly, clearly revelling in Percy’s humiliation.

“Get. It. Off. Me!” he bellowed at Draco, swinging his leg about with a vigour that would
have made Michael Flatley jealous.

“Crups are rather aggressive animals, Mr Weasley, as I’m sure you’re aware,” Draco
continued, as though Butterbeer wouldn’t dribble down his chin. “I’d be inclined to
remain calm until he’s climaxed before attempting to extricate yourself from his grip.
You’ll have to be quick though; they can manage a number of climaxes in very quick

“Climaxes?” Percy whispered in horror, now so distressed at the thought of the

imminent multiple soilings of his best work robes that he failed to notice the expression
of pure delight on Draco’s face.

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“Oh yes,” Draco continued conversationally as Percy hopped about in the centre of an
ever-expanding circle of retreating guests. “I hear Crups ejaculate a greater volume of
semen than any other animal of a similar size,” he lied, while Harry started to feel
decidedly sick as he was flung about with mounting panic.

There was a stifled, “Urgh,” from one of the witches in the now-dispersing group,
although it was lost in the flow of Draco’s continuing conversation.

“Very virile animals, Crups,” Draco told Percy. “Very attuned to wizards,” he said as he
sidled closer and dropped his voice. “In fact I’ve heard they can sniff out a prick at a
hundred paces.”

Rage filled Percy’s face. Harry watched his fists clench, and dazedly wondered who
would land the first punch.

“Gentlemen. May I ask if there’s a problem?”

Professor McGonagall stood ramrod straight several feet behind Draco, her quietly
spoken words freezing the exchange in an instant. As soon as Percy’s foot dropped back
to the ground, Harry flopped off bonelessly, which was a massive relief given that he
didn’t want to contemplate having a boner anywhere in Percy Weasley’s immediate

“I have been assaulted by this…this…disease-ridden animal!” Percy all but screamed, his
freckles long since lost underneath the tomato redness of his face.

“How dare you!” Draco retorted, bending to scoop Harry into his arms and cocoon him
against the warmth of his chest. “This is a rare and magical creature that you were
attempting to murder!”

“I hardly think you care about rare and magi-”

“GENTLEMEN!” McGonagall bellowed, effectively silencing them both like naughty first
years. “Thank you,” she said once silence reigned once more. “Mr Weasley, if you would
come with me, please,” she said, sweeping her arm wide to capture his elbow and guide
him away. But then she turned back to where Draco and Harry stood, and with piercingly
firm eyes, she looked at Harry and said, “I’ll see you in my office later.”

When the corridor was finally empty, Draco scratched Harry affectionately between the
ears and said, “Well, that went about as badly as I thought it might. Now do you see why
I said no?”

Harry, of course, couldn’t answer, and as he allowed Draco to carry him back to their
dungeon bedroom for the repayment of the original bribe, he surmised that there were
times when Draco really deserved to have the final word.

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