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- Synced and corrected by <font color="#009BCB"><b>chamallow</b></font> -
- www.addic7ed.com -

2
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When did you... first notice it?

3
00:00:16,985 --> 00:00:19,185
Ah, well, the pipe started leaking

4
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and the wallpaper started to get wet,

5
00:00:21,425 --> 00:00:22,985
and then it started to form this image.

6
00:00:25,345 --> 00:00:27,305
And when did you think, "Oh...

7
00:00:27,385 --> 00:00:29,065
that looks a bit like
Sir Kenneth Branagh"?

8
00:00:29,665 --> 00:00:33,345
Oh, well, it was when the shading
started to form around this bit here.

9
00:00:33,425 --> 00:00:35,185
And, well, it's got
his mouth, hasn't it?

10
00:00:36,065 --> 00:00:37,665
- Just a line.
- Yeah.

11
00:00:37,745 --> 00:00:39,745
It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.

12
00:00:40,505 --> 00:00:41,505
Yeah.

13
00:00:41,985 --> 00:00:42,985
Err...

14
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- Take a picture.
- Yeah.

15
00:00:46,385 --> 00:00:47,385
There you go.

16
00:00:47,385 --> 00:00:48,745
Err... Okay?

17
00:00:49,185 --> 00:00:50,345
Yeah.

18
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:52,441
- This'll cheer the wife up no end.
- Will it?

19
00:00:52,465 --> 00:00:54,225
- Been a bit down lately.
- Ahh.

20
00:00:54,305 --> 00:00:57,041
- Got hit in the head with a hammer.
- She got hit in the head with a hammer?

21
00:00:57,065 --> 00:00:59,065
Two blokes on a moped
grabbed her handbag,

22
00:00:59,066 --> 00:01:00,825
hit her on the head and she let go.

23
00:01:00,905 --> 00:01:02,215
And the police don't like to chase 'em

24
00:01:02,216 --> 00:01:04,065
because the kids take their helmets off,

25
00:01:04,145 --> 00:01:07,505
and then it's dangerous, and
the police might get sued, so...

26
00:01:08,105 --> 00:01:09,625
PC gone mad, innit?

27
00:01:09,985 --> 00:01:10,985
Yep.
28
00:01:16,345 --> 00:01:20,145
So... his wife gets mugged
by a motorcycle gang,

29
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hit in the head with a hammer,

30
00:01:22,505 --> 00:01:26,265
he goes home, sees a stain that
looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,

31
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and that's what he calls
the local paper about.

32
00:01:29,825 --> 00:01:32,025
Also, any stain looks
like Kenneth Branagh.

33
00:01:32,545 --> 00:01:34,225
He's got no distinguishing features.

34
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You couldn't do a caricature of him

35
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because there's no
features to exaggerate.

36
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He's just got a face,
a vague, beige face.

37
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If I was him, I'd wear glasses,

38
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big, red glasses.

39
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So when people said,
"Who's Kenneth Branagh?"

40
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"You know, big, red glasses."
41
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"Oh!"

42
00:01:51,225 --> 00:01:53,841
I think he's quite handsome. I'd
love to look like Kenneth Branagh.

43
00:01:53,865 --> 00:01:56,585
Course you would. 'Cause
you look like fuckin' Shrek.

44
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Be an upgrade for you. At
least you'd be human, then.

45
00:02:00,305 --> 00:02:01,345
Birds love it.

46
00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:02,945
Talking of birds, I went on a date

47
00:02:02,946 --> 00:02:04,625
with the fat kid's mom the other night.

48
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I'll see you back at the office.

49
00:02:08,225 --> 00:02:11,625
It's about 40 quid, and then,
you know. What you gonna...

50
00:02:11,705 --> 00:02:13,825
- Where's my money?
- Okay, calm down.

51
00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:16,681
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'll be whoever you want me to be.

52
00:02:16,705 --> 00:02:18,745
You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?

53
00:02:18,825 --> 00:02:19,905
No, she's a friend of mine.
54
00:02:19,985 --> 00:02:21,505
I'm not gonna charge him 60 quid, am I?

55
00:02:22,145 --> 00:02:24,505
And less of the prostitute.
I'm a sex worker.

56
00:02:24,985 --> 00:02:25,985
Oh, my bad.

57
00:02:26,505 --> 00:02:28,585
- Gimme my money!
- Be careful with him.

58
00:02:28,665 --> 00:02:30,425
Sorry, shouldn't you
be wanking someone off?

59
00:02:30,505 --> 00:02:32,665
My next appointment's not
till three o'clock, actually.

60
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What'd you do with the
money? As if I didn't know.

61
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- Bought some drugs.
- Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.

62
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We could share them.

63
00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:39,905
Why would we share them? They're mine.

64
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What did you buy?

65
00:02:41,305 --> 00:02:42,865
- Smack, a bit of hash.
- Right.

66
00:02:44,145 --> 00:02:45,825
I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.
67
00:02:45,905 --> 00:02:48,465
- Ahh.
- I haven't got it on me, have I?

68
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- I could bring it over
later, though. Right.

69
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Do you live here?

70
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Err...

71
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:56,425
Yeah.

72
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Why?

73
00:02:59,105 --> 00:03:00,985
I got kicked out of the
last garage, didn't I?

74
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I don't mean why do you live
in this particular garage.

75
00:03:03,465 --> 00:03:04,865
Why do you live in a garage at all?

76
00:03:04,905 --> 00:03:06,881
Oh, this happens. People
like you just don't see it

77
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from your ivory tower.

78
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I'm a little princess 'cause I
don't live in a hole in the wall.

79
00:03:10,905 --> 00:03:12,865
Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?

80
00:03:12,945 --> 00:03:15,585
'Cause I need a new
piss-stained mattress.

81
00:03:16,025 --> 00:03:17,025
Fucking maggot.

82
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,025
Don't be so hard on
him. His girlfriend died.

83
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,185
He had a girlfriend?

84
00:03:20,265 --> 00:03:22,665
Overdose. She got him into it, I think.

85
00:03:23,425 --> 00:03:25,305
We all do things we'd rather not do.

86
00:03:26,025 --> 00:03:27,025
Mmm.

87
00:03:27,425 --> 00:03:28,945
D'you need anything while you're 'ere?

88
00:03:30,065 --> 00:03:31,065
Like what?

89
00:03:31,425 --> 00:03:32,425
Anything.

90
00:03:32,905 --> 00:03:33,905
Anything?

91
00:03:34,065 --> 00:03:35,065
Anything.

92
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For 50 quid.

93
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This is the worst.

94
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I think I'm gonna puke.

95
00:04:25,905 --> 00:04:28,665
I mean, why don't you soak
everything straightaway?

96
00:04:29,025 --> 00:04:30,785
You said, "Anything for 50 quid."

97
00:04:30,865 --> 00:04:33,225
How many times did you
have fish fingers and beans?

98
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Doesn't matter.

99
00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:37,225
You've done it now anyway. Just in time.

100
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,865
A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.

101
00:04:47,185 --> 00:04:48,225
How much do they charge?

102
00:04:48,905 --> 00:04:49,945
About a tenner an hour.

103
00:04:50,025 --> 00:04:52,385
- So I could have got five hours for that?
- Yeah.

104
00:04:55,065 --> 00:04:56,065
Anyway...

105
00:04:56,705 --> 00:04:58,185
it's been nice chatting.

106
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,985
How about a cup of tea before you go?

107
00:05:00,065 --> 00:05:02,945
- Okay.
- No, I meant I'd make you one, but...

108
00:05:04,025 --> 00:05:05,225
No, I'm all right.

109
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,385
What's your name?

110
00:05:06,825 --> 00:05:07,945
Roxy.

111
00:05:08,025 --> 00:05:09,145
Your real name.

112
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What are you, the Inland Revenue?

113
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It's Daphne.

114
00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:18,385
- What? What's that face?
- It's a nice name.

115
00:05:18,465 --> 00:05:20,545
Exactly. Don't suit me.

116
00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:23,065
- What, 'cause you're not nice?
- I dunno.

117
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It suits you.

118
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Deep down, you're a Daphne.

119
00:05:28,705 --> 00:05:31,865
You never know what's around
the corner. One minute you're...

120
00:05:31,945 --> 00:05:34,345
happy and safe and smug about it,

121
00:05:35,105 --> 00:05:37,665
the next minute, everything's
taken away from you.
122
00:05:38,345 --> 00:05:39,665
You need a plan B.

123
00:05:41,025 --> 00:05:42,025
I...

124
00:05:43,065 --> 00:05:44,465
I know about your wife.

125
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,465
- Julian told me.
- Julian?

126
00:05:46,545 --> 00:05:48,385
That skinny little fucker.

127
00:05:48,465 --> 00:05:50,065
I invite him in and he robs me.

128
00:05:50,945 --> 00:05:53,305
Yeah, but you know, he can't
help it, though, can he?

129
00:05:54,865 --> 00:05:56,225
Yeah, of course he can.

130
00:05:56,305 --> 00:05:58,345
You don't know a lot
about addiction, then.

131
00:05:58,425 --> 00:06:00,505
I think I've got the gist.
It's the one where you go,

132
00:06:00,545 --> 00:06:02,265
"It's not my fault. I'm addicted."

133
00:06:02,345 --> 00:06:04,665
Everything's an addiction these days.

134
00:06:04,745 --> 00:06:07,625
"Oh, I couldn't help running over
someone in my car when I was pissed.

135
00:06:07,705 --> 00:06:09,785
I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"

136
00:06:09,865 --> 00:06:11,425
Oh... a food addiction.

137
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,945
Addicted to food. We're
all addicted to food.

138
00:06:14,385 --> 00:06:16,425
sex addiction.

139
00:06:16,505 --> 00:06:19,185
Literally invented by someone
who got caught cheating.

140
00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:21,745
Hey, those guys are
some of my best clients.

141
00:06:23,025 --> 00:06:24,465
Why do you do what you do?

142
00:06:24,745 --> 00:06:25,745
Money.

143
00:06:26,025 --> 00:06:27,865
No, I know, but why... that?

144
00:06:27,945 --> 00:06:29,785
You're only asking me
that 'cause of what I do.

145
00:06:29,825 --> 00:06:32,265
But I mean, how do you get
into that in the first place?

146
00:06:32,345 --> 00:06:34,665
- Do you remember that film Pretty Woman?
- Yep.

147
00:06:34,745 --> 00:06:36,665
I just thought it
looked really glamorous.

148
00:06:36,745 --> 00:06:37,745
Really?

149
00:06:37,825 --> 00:06:39,105
No, course not.

150
00:06:39,185 --> 00:06:40,905
Oh, right. I dunno.

151
00:06:41,345 --> 00:06:42,705
You would be surprised

152
00:06:42,785 --> 00:06:45,208
the amount of people that
still expect all sex workers

153
00:06:45,209 --> 00:06:48,225
to look like Julia
Roberts and then I show up.

154
00:06:49,225 --> 00:06:50,225
But...

155
00:06:50,465 --> 00:06:51,905
I do have these.

156
00:06:52,385 --> 00:06:54,625
- What's that?
- Tiny little hands.

157
00:06:54,945 --> 00:06:57,665
- Why is that good?
- Oh mate, clients love 'em.

158
00:06:57,905 --> 00:06:58,905
Why?

159
00:06:59,065 --> 00:07:00,665
Makes their cocks look massive.

160
00:07:01,585 --> 00:07:03,385
Well, I've learned a lot.

161
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:05,305
- I'm honored.
- Good.
162
00:07:05,385 --> 00:07:06,385
Anyway...

163
00:07:06,865 --> 00:07:07,865
Err...

164
00:07:10,345 --> 00:07:11,345
Here you go.

165
00:07:14,545 --> 00:07:16,065
Is this really all you want me to do?

166
00:07:16,905 --> 00:07:17,905
Yeah.

167
00:07:18,465 --> 00:07:19,465
Okay.

168
00:07:29,065 --> 00:07:30,305
See ya later.

169
00:07:31,665 --> 00:07:33,425
I absolutely love your dog.

170
00:07:34,465 --> 00:07:35,465
Me too.

171
00:07:42,665 --> 00:07:45,825
I was gonna put it in for a wash.
I wonder what I've done with it.

172
00:07:45,905 --> 00:07:48,105
All right. Well, we'll
find it. It's all right.

173
00:07:48,185 --> 00:07:49,905
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

174
00:07:50,425 --> 00:07:52,185
- You all right?
- Yeah.

175
00:07:53,945 --> 00:07:55,425
You all right, Dad?
176
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:57,585
How's Lisa?

177
00:07:57,985 --> 00:07:59,985
Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.

178
00:08:00,505 --> 00:08:01,905
Remember that, all right?

179
00:08:01,985 --> 00:08:05,185
'Cause every time you ask me about
it, it really fucking hurts, okay?

180
00:08:05,265 --> 00:08:06,905
Why don't you just go along with it?

181
00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:07,985
Why?

182
00:08:08,065 --> 00:08:09,745
Because it might make him feel better.

183
00:08:09,825 --> 00:08:12,345
All right, okay. Once again,
no one cares about my feelings.

184
00:08:12,865 --> 00:08:14,425
I just had a prostitute lecturing me

185
00:08:14,505 --> 00:08:16,385
about how I should
care about the feelings

186
00:08:16,386 --> 00:08:18,065
of a smackhead who robbed me.

187
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:19,865
That sounds...

188
00:08:20,745 --> 00:08:22,705
He works for me, and she
was doing the washing up.

189
00:08:22,745 --> 00:08:23,905
All right, it's...

190
00:08:24,865 --> 00:08:27,865
- complicated.
- Well, none of my business, I'm sure.

191
00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:30,625
Interesting.

192
00:08:31,265 --> 00:08:32,585
Argh. What is?

193
00:08:33,025 --> 00:08:35,585
No, it's the way you said,
"None of my business, I'm sure,"

194
00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:38,065
- like you thought it was your business.
- No, I didn't.

195
00:08:38,145 --> 00:08:40,065
- Well, you did.
- What's wrong with you?

196
00:08:40,865 --> 00:08:43,225
- What...
- Why can't you just be normal?

197
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:45,185
I mean, I know you're not normal.

198
00:08:45,585 --> 00:08:47,545
You're bitter, and angry,

199
00:08:47,905 --> 00:08:48,985
and depressed,

200
00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:50,345
and you're upset with the world,

201
00:08:50,425 --> 00:08:52,745
but for God's sake, this is your dad.

202
00:08:52,825 --> 00:08:54,705
- No, I know.
- You know, can you not just maybe
203
00:08:54,745 --> 00:08:57,425
pretend to be normal for the
ten minutes that you're with him?

204
00:08:57,505 --> 00:08:59,465
Oh, is that a dig? That
I see him for ten minutes?

205
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:00,665
I didn't mean to upset you.

206
00:09:00,745 --> 00:09:02,721
I was just saying that
maybe for the ten minutes...

207
00:09:02,745 --> 00:09:04,950
Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions

208
00:09:04,951 --> 00:09:06,625
for something that isn't your business.

209
00:09:06,865 --> 00:09:08,065
He can still feel hurt.

210
00:09:08,585 --> 00:09:10,121
- Right. No, I get that.
- Everybody can.

211
00:09:10,145 --> 00:09:11,145
No, I get that.

212
00:09:11,145 --> 00:09:13,042
It's just a bit weird from someone

213
00:09:13,043 --> 00:09:15,065
who's looking after my dad as their job.

214
00:09:15,145 --> 00:09:17,945
It's a bit unprofessional giving me
all this attitude, don't you think?

215
00:09:18,705 --> 00:09:21,065
You're like a troll on Twitter.

216
00:09:21,145 --> 00:09:24,265
Just because you're all upset,
everybody else has to feel upset.

217
00:09:24,345 --> 00:09:26,561
At first I thought, "I'll give
him the benefit of the doubt,"

218
00:09:26,585 --> 00:09:29,185
because I just assumed you
were always having a bad day,

219
00:09:29,265 --> 00:09:31,425
but maybe it's just
because you're a cunt.

220
00:09:39,985 --> 00:09:41,385
That went well.

221
00:09:43,065 --> 00:09:44,865
Cunt.

222
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:47,545
Cunt.

223
00:09:48,345 --> 00:09:49,345
Yep.

224
00:09:51,505 --> 00:09:52,745
I couldn't believe it.

225
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:56,385
I mean, she's a nurse looking
after my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,

226
00:09:56,825 --> 00:09:59,865
and then she's giving me grief
for getting upset about stuff.

227
00:10:00,625 --> 00:10:02,865
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- No, I know.

228
00:10:04,105 --> 00:10:05,945
- But you do.
- Yeah.
229
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:09,265
'Cause you know she's right.

230
00:10:10,065 --> 00:10:11,065
No. What?

231
00:10:12,665 --> 00:10:14,985
Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?

232
00:10:15,065 --> 00:10:17,185
D'you think the women
are ganging up on me?

233
00:10:17,265 --> 00:10:18,305
He agrees with me.

234
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,625
- There's a surprise.
- Apologize to her.

235
00:10:21,345 --> 00:10:22,905
- For what?
- It doesn't matter.

236
00:10:23,545 --> 00:10:25,985
It shows strength,
not weakness. Trust me.

237
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,985
I can't just go and
apologize for nothing.

238
00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:31,185
But it wouldn't be
for nothing, would it?

239
00:10:31,265 --> 00:10:33,224
You'd be apologizing for arguing

240
00:10:33,225 --> 00:10:35,785
with someone you like,
someone who's nice.

241
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,145
She's nice, right?
242
00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:44,345
- She's...
- There you are. Ahhh!

243
00:10:44,425 --> 00:10:46,025
What?

244
00:10:46,665 --> 00:10:48,465
Thought so.

245
00:10:49,105 --> 00:10:52,225
Well, why don't you look at
it as your first lovers' tiff?

246
00:10:52,305 --> 00:10:53,465
That's ridiculous.

247
00:10:54,065 --> 00:10:55,585
Okay, good. Well done.

248
00:10:56,465 --> 00:10:58,265
Right, I'll see you later.

249
00:10:59,185 --> 00:11:01,305
See you later, Stan.

250
00:11:21,185 --> 00:11:22,185
Good week?

251
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,265
No, course not.

252
00:11:23,825 --> 00:11:25,505
How could I possibly
have had a good week?

253
00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:27,265
Only you know that, really.

254
00:11:27,345 --> 00:11:28,665
Why am I paying you, then?

255
00:11:29,585 --> 00:11:30,865
That's a good question.
256
00:11:32,665 --> 00:11:35,225
- And?
- Well, why are you paying me?

257
00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:37,945
What, so I've got to know that... too?

258
00:11:38,825 --> 00:11:44,025
Tony, we're here to ask and answer
difficult questions about yourself.

259
00:11:44,945 --> 00:11:47,145
Now, maybe you don't
wanna know the answer.

260
00:11:47,345 --> 00:11:50,425
Maybe the easy way out for you
is to think there isn't an answer.

261
00:11:50,505 --> 00:11:53,265
Well, there is an
answer, but you seem...

262
00:11:54,345 --> 00:11:57,265
happier to just accept your unhappiness.

263
00:11:57,345 --> 00:12:00,305
No, I do accept my unhappiness.
I know exactly why I'm unhappy,

264
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:03,025
and I also know the only thing
that would stop me being unhappy

265
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:04,225
is impossible.

266
00:12:04,305 --> 00:12:07,825
What I don't know is why I pay
someone who doesn't care about me.

267
00:12:07,905 --> 00:12:08,945
Well...

268
00:12:09,025 --> 00:12:11,665
there are people in your
life who care about you,

269
00:12:11,745 --> 00:12:14,225
but do they actually
do what's good for you?

270
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:17,185
I don't think anyone
knows what's good for me.

271
00:12:17,265 --> 00:12:18,745
Well I think it's in there somewhere.

272
00:12:18,785 --> 00:12:21,665
I just wanna stop feeling sad.

273
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:25,265
Do that, then.

274
00:12:25,825 --> 00:12:28,105
Just... stop feeling sad.

275
00:12:35,865 --> 00:12:39,105
So, I make some notes at the time,

276
00:12:39,185 --> 00:12:42,025
if I can be bothered and stay awake.

277
00:12:43,145 --> 00:12:45,945
I get the gist of it.
Their name and age,

278
00:12:46,345 --> 00:12:48,465
what street they live
in. People love that.

279
00:12:48,785 --> 00:12:50,185
And then I try and make...

280
00:12:50,585 --> 00:12:54,065
the fucking banal seem
mildly interesting.

281
00:12:54,665 --> 00:12:57,305
Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,
282
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,905
and a stain appeared on his wallpaper

283
00:13:00,225 --> 00:13:02,825
that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.

284
00:13:04,265 --> 00:13:06,065
- Do you know who that is?
- No.

285
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,105
He's an old actor, director.

286
00:13:08,650 --> 00:13:09,685
Erm...

287
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,665
- Have you heard of Emma Thompson?
- Yeah.

288
00:13:12,945 --> 00:13:15,505
He'd hate that... Um... anyway,

289
00:13:16,225 --> 00:13:18,105
it was a stain on a wall.

290
00:13:18,505 --> 00:13:19,945
Have you got the photos from the...

291
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,865
Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,

292
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:26,108
I've got some pictures of the date I had

293
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:28,305
- with the fat kid's mom the other...
- Everyone, listen up.

294
00:13:29,545 --> 00:13:30,545
Work's outing.

295
00:13:30,865 --> 00:13:31,865
No.
296
00:13:32,185 --> 00:13:33,185
Yeah.

297
00:13:33,225 --> 00:13:34,225
Yes.

298
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:35,945
It's gonna be good for team-building.

299
00:13:35,985 --> 00:13:37,957
There's a new comedy
club in town, just opened.

300
00:13:37,958 --> 00:13:38,961
They're advertising with us,

301
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,385
so I thought, show willing,
bought us all tickets.

302
00:13:41,465 --> 00:13:43,161
I said I could have got 'em for free.

303
00:13:43,185 --> 00:13:45,105
Yeah, I know, but you've
gotta support the arts.

304
00:13:45,185 --> 00:13:47,745
It's good. All proper comedians.

305
00:13:48,705 --> 00:13:49,745
There is a woman on.

306
00:13:53,345 --> 00:13:54,345
Right?

307
00:13:54,705 --> 00:13:57,345
Well, I'm just saying. Just
checking, you're all right.

308
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,985
Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.

309
00:14:03,065 --> 00:14:05,625
- It won't.
- Tony, it will. Give it a chance.

310
00:14:06,985 --> 00:14:08,065
Talking of fun,

311
00:14:08,145 --> 00:14:10,081
I had a lot of fun on that
date the other night...

312
00:14:10,105 --> 00:14:11,625
- Tony.
- Ohh.

313
00:14:11,705 --> 00:14:13,265
- Who's that?
- Local nutter.

314
00:14:14,545 --> 00:14:16,585
Always trying to get in
the paper, ain't you, Brian?

315
00:14:16,785 --> 00:14:17,785
She's new.

316
00:14:18,505 --> 00:14:19,505
Yep.

317
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:22,865
- You stink.
- Never mind that.

318
00:14:23,185 --> 00:14:24,665
Got something for your front cover,

319
00:14:25,185 --> 00:14:26,385
- if you're interested.
- No.

320
00:14:27,105 --> 00:14:28,305
Freddie Mercury's tooth.

321
00:14:29,065 --> 00:14:31,505
- Where d'you get that?
- Up the park, by the swings.

322
00:14:31,585 --> 00:14:32,945
And what makes you think it's his?

323
00:14:33,945 --> 00:14:35,545
Look at the size of it, mate.

324
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,385
He's disgusting.

325
00:14:37,465 --> 00:14:39,945
Huh? Why don't you stick a knob
down your throat, blabbermouth.

326
00:14:39,985 --> 00:14:41,785
Why do you want to be
in the paper, Brian?

327
00:14:41,865 --> 00:14:44,505
'Cause I want to show the world
what I've got, what I can do,

328
00:14:44,585 --> 00:14:45,585
what diseases I've had.

329
00:14:45,865 --> 00:14:48,345
- No one's interested in your diseases.
- Oh, aren't they?

330
00:14:48,425 --> 00:14:49,561
- No.
- Sexual exploits?

331
00:14:49,585 --> 00:14:50,585
- No.
- No?

332
00:14:50,945 --> 00:14:52,905
- I'm a member of a swingers' club.
- Urgh.

333
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:55,185
You know the assistant
manager of Tambury FC?

334
00:14:55,265 --> 00:14:56,465
I've given him a blowjob.

335
00:14:56,545 --> 00:14:58,705
Stick that on your sports page.

336
00:14:58,785 --> 00:15:00,785
We're not gonna put
it on the sports page.

337
00:15:00,865 --> 00:15:03,601
It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth.
We're not gonna put your diseases...

338
00:15:03,625 --> 00:15:06,505
This is a local paper about
old ladies, their big fat cat,

339
00:15:06,585 --> 00:15:09,145
or someone finding a hat in a
tree. We're not gonna go with,

340
00:15:09,225 --> 00:15:11,305
"Oh, here's Brian Gittens,
local man done proud,

341
00:15:11,385 --> 00:15:14,385
sucking off some fuckin'
nonce at the football." Think!

342
00:15:15,585 --> 00:15:16,745
Have you got a jokes page?

343
00:15:16,825 --> 00:15:18,385
- No.
- Then you're missing a trick

344
00:15:18,465 --> 00:15:20,425
'cause I write my own
jokes. D'you wanna hear one?

345
00:15:21,745 --> 00:15:25,425
What do you get if you cross a
disabled octopus with my ex-wife?

346
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:27,985
A five-legged slut.

347
00:15:30,185 --> 00:15:32,065
Brian, not everyone
can get in the paper.

348
00:15:32,145 --> 00:15:34,025
Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.

349
00:15:34,105 --> 00:15:35,345
- Have you?
- No.

350
00:15:36,585 --> 00:15:38,505
When's that bothered the press before?

351
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:40,305
Am I right?

352
00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:43,025
Brilliant. Okay, cheers.

353
00:15:43,105 --> 00:15:44,345
- Okay.
- See you again.

354
00:15:56,865 --> 00:15:58,145
I've got a good feature for you.

355
00:15:59,545 --> 00:16:01,065
- No, you haven't.
- Rude.

356
00:16:01,145 --> 00:16:03,105
- You haven't even heard it yet.
- No need.

357
00:16:03,945 --> 00:16:05,265
- Crystals.
- Told you.

358
00:16:05,785 --> 00:16:07,145
Their healing power.

359
00:16:07,225 --> 00:16:08,825
They're bullshit.

360
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,065
- You're so narrow-minded.
- No.
361
00:16:11,145 --> 00:16:12,945
- You don't believe in anything.
- Yes, I do.

362
00:16:13,025 --> 00:16:14,225
Thought you were atheist.

363
00:16:14,305 --> 00:16:15,435
Doesn't mean I don't
believe in anything.

364
00:16:15,436 --> 00:16:17,425
It means I don't believe in any god.

365
00:16:17,505 --> 00:16:19,665
- How can you not believe in God?
- Which one?

366
00:16:20,945 --> 00:16:21,945
What do you mean?

367
00:16:22,305 --> 00:16:24,465
Well... Zeus?

368
00:16:25,345 --> 00:16:27,025
- Who?
- Greek god.

369
00:16:27,105 --> 00:16:28,665
Or Ra, or Ganesh?

370
00:16:28,745 --> 00:16:30,945
No, not those ones, the
real one in the Bible.

371
00:16:31,025 --> 00:16:32,025
Yahweh.

372
00:16:32,105 --> 00:16:33,105
Just God!

373
00:16:33,145 --> 00:16:36,985
Well, you know how you don't believe
in all those other gods I mentioned?
374
00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:39,025
That's how I don't believe in yours.

375
00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:41,625
How can you not believe that
someone created all this, though?

376
00:16:42,025 --> 00:16:44,585
Why do you believe that
someone created it all?

377
00:16:44,665 --> 00:16:45,945
Because it's so good.

378
00:16:46,425 --> 00:16:47,985
It can't just be chance, can it?

379
00:16:49,305 --> 00:16:50,505
What, the Big Bang?

380
00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:53,185
Everything came from
nothing? That's impossible.

381
00:16:53,265 --> 00:16:54,865
You're right. God did it.

382
00:16:55,425 --> 00:16:56,425
Right.

383
00:16:56,745 --> 00:16:58,265
So, where did God come from?

384
00:17:01,025 --> 00:17:02,025
He's always been around.

385
00:17:02,745 --> 00:17:04,065
There you go. Easy, innit?

386
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:05,425
Mm.

387
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,504
You always found so
much joy in everything,
388
00:17:12,505 --> 00:17:13,865
all the little things.

389
00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:16,225
Sitting on the sofa with the dog.

390
00:17:16,705 --> 00:17:18,065
With that look on your face, like,

391
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,385
"I'm just sat on the sofa
with the dog. I'm loving it."

392
00:17:22,225 --> 00:17:23,465
Give the dog a kiss from me,

393
00:17:24,505 --> 00:17:26,785
and take her to the
beach. She loves it there.

394
00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:28,985
You both do.

395
00:17:31,145 --> 00:17:32,705
Do you wanna go to the beach?

396
00:17:33,265 --> 00:17:34,265
Yeah?

397
00:17:35,065 --> 00:17:36,265
Come on, then.

398
00:17:40,465 --> 00:17:42,505
Come on. Good girl.

399
00:19:03,665 --> 00:19:06,965
Oh, my God! What did you do that for?

400
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:08,225
You looked hot!

401
00:19:08,305 --> 00:19:11,265
I was asleep. I'm soaked.
402
00:19:11,345 --> 00:19:13,905
Look, you've freaked the dog out.

403
00:19:13,985 --> 00:19:16,905
Oh, you're such a twat.

404
00:19:16,985 --> 00:19:19,385
Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.

405
00:19:19,465 --> 00:19:22,785
Come on! You come in the
sea with me! You come in.

406
00:19:22,865 --> 00:19:24,745
- No.
- You come in. Tony, come in!

407
00:19:24,825 --> 00:19:26,385
- No.
- Come on!

408
00:19:26,945 --> 00:19:27,945
Come on!

409
00:19:28,265 --> 00:19:29,585
Come in, Tony!

410
00:20:26,985 --> 00:20:28,585
That's why they call them sports socks!

411
00:20:29,785 --> 00:20:32,105
Thank you. You're a wonderful
crowd, you really are.

412
00:20:32,185 --> 00:20:33,585
I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.

413
00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,265
I've had some bad news
this week, I have to say.

414
00:20:36,345 --> 00:20:38,265
- Ah.
- Come on, sadder than that.

415
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:39,345
Ahhh!

416
00:20:39,345 --> 00:20:41,385
Yeah, it was.

417
00:20:41,665 --> 00:20:43,825
A friend of mine actually
committed suicide last week.

418
00:20:44,305 --> 00:20:47,585
Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed
everything in the bathroom cabinet.

419
00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:49,225
Choked on a tampon.

420
00:20:49,305 --> 00:20:51,185
Oh yeah.

421
00:20:53,145 --> 00:20:54,905
Choked on a tampon.

422
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:58,785
So you've got this guy,
absolutely fucking hated that joke.

423
00:20:58,865 --> 00:21:01,865
I tell ya, his face
fell like my nan. Oh no!

424
00:21:02,505 --> 00:21:04,545
Fucking cheer up, mate.
Might not ever happen.

425
00:21:04,625 --> 00:21:08,385
Come on. Instead of, like, "I'm
not gonna laugh at this." Come on.

426
00:21:08,465 --> 00:21:09,705
What's your name then, man?

427
00:21:11,305 --> 00:21:12,345
What's your name?

428
00:21:13,145 --> 00:21:15,265
- Tony.
- Tony. There we go. Not so hard.

429
00:21:15,345 --> 00:21:16,585
What's your story, Tony?

430
00:21:18,105 --> 00:21:20,065
- What's my story?
- Yeah.

431
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:22,265
Sitting here, front
row. What's your story?

432
00:21:24,265 --> 00:21:25,305
My wife died...

433
00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:26,865
earlier this year.

434
00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:28,785
Breast cancer.

435
00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:31,745
And it broke me.

436
00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,105
Not a day goes by when I don't...

437
00:21:36,185 --> 00:21:37,425
think of killing myself.

438
00:21:37,865 --> 00:21:40,705
I just don't see any point in living.

439
00:21:46,425 --> 00:21:47,425
Well...

440
00:21:52,305 --> 00:21:55,265
Umbrellas are weird,
aren't they? Do you ever...

441
00:21:55,985 --> 00:21:57,225
As if an umbrella...

442
00:21:58,105 --> 00:21:59,105
He asked.

443
00:21:59,825 --> 00:22:00,905
Yeah.

444
00:22:00,985 --> 00:22:03,505
He did. He asked me a question,
so I told him the truth.

445
00:22:05,505 --> 00:22:07,705
- The truth's important to you.
- Yeah.

446
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:10,705
Okay, well here's the truth
for you, Tony. I'm tired, mate.

447
00:22:11,385 --> 00:22:14,705
Okay, I'm tired of spending my
working day worrying about you

448
00:22:14,785 --> 00:22:16,545
and about what you're gonna do next,

449
00:22:16,625 --> 00:22:19,385
and trying to come up with reasons
you shouldn't kill yourself,

450
00:22:19,745 --> 00:22:23,185
and finding tickets for
things to try and cheer you up.

451
00:22:23,785 --> 00:22:26,985
Okay? Midweek, as well, when I
should be home with my wife and son,

452
00:22:27,065 --> 00:22:28,545
dealing with my own problems.

453
00:22:28,865 --> 00:22:32,825
Right. So he's allowed to joke about
suicide, but I'm not allowed to...

454
00:22:32,905 --> 00:22:35,745
It wasn't about you, though,
Tony. The joke wasn't about you.
455
00:22:35,825 --> 00:22:37,505
It didn't happen. He made it up.

456
00:22:37,945 --> 00:22:39,787
His friend didn't really commit suicide

457
00:22:39,788 --> 00:22:41,918
by choking on a tampon, obviously.

458
00:22:41,945 --> 00:22:44,385
- No, I get that.
- I mean, he doesn't know your situation.

459
00:22:44,465 --> 00:22:46,505
Well... He doesn't. If he'd said,

460
00:22:46,945 --> 00:22:49,061
"Hands up, anyone whose wife has died

461
00:22:49,062 --> 00:22:50,545
and is thinking about
killing themselves,"

462
00:22:50,625 --> 00:22:51,640
you go, "Yeah, over here." He's like,

463
00:22:51,641 --> 00:22:53,321
"Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."

464
00:22:53,345 --> 00:22:56,145
- Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.
- Great.

465
00:22:56,225 --> 00:22:58,025
He was trying to make people laugh.

466
00:23:00,465 --> 00:23:01,825
That's all I'm doing here, okay?

467
00:23:01,905 --> 00:23:03,945
I'm just... I'm doing my best trying...

468
00:23:04,465 --> 00:23:05,465
to make you happy.
469
00:23:06,705 --> 00:23:07,705
Okay.

470
00:23:09,185 --> 00:23:10,185
Well, cheers.

471
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:16,985
- All right?
- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

472
00:23:17,065 --> 00:23:18,065
See you tomorrow.

473
00:23:25,985 --> 00:23:27,185
Look...

474
00:23:27,465 --> 00:23:28,465
Audrey Hepburn.

475
00:23:30,385 --> 00:23:31,825
Doesn't she look beautiful?

476
00:23:31,905 --> 00:23:34,545
- Brandy, you look so glamorous!
- Oh...

477
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:37,545
She's a laughing stock.

478
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:38,625
It was her idea.

479
00:23:38,705 --> 00:23:40,681
- How long did that take?
- I'd say...

480
00:23:40,705 --> 00:23:42,025
- ten minutes.
- Brilliant.

481
00:23:48,065 --> 00:23:49,225
Happy with that.

482
00:23:54,865 --> 00:23:56,185
Bought you a little present.

483
00:23:56,825 --> 00:23:58,145
With the money you stole from me?

484
00:23:59,705 --> 00:24:00,705
- Yeah...
- Thoughtful.

485
00:24:14,185 --> 00:24:17,025
You... erm... sure you don't
want a bit of this in it?

486
00:24:18,945 --> 00:24:19,945
Yeah, go on.

487
00:24:21,385 --> 00:24:22,385
Sure?

488
00:24:23,185 --> 00:24:24,905
What's the worst that can happen?

489
00:24:25,385 --> 00:24:27,145
Well... this.

490
00:24:30,225 --> 00:24:32,105
Look, I'm sorry about the whole...

491
00:24:33,345 --> 00:24:35,745
robbing money thing. It's not really me.

492
00:24:36,145 --> 00:24:37,385
It's the disease, right?

493
00:24:38,945 --> 00:24:39,945
We've all got excuses.

494
00:24:43,025 --> 00:24:45,185
I still can't believe
we've got stuff in common.

495
00:24:47,985 --> 00:24:49,265
Both lost our partners,

496
00:24:50,225 --> 00:24:51,865
both trying to numb the pain,

497
00:24:52,465 --> 00:24:53,465
both losers.

498
00:24:54,105 --> 00:24:55,185
No offense,

499
00:24:55,265 --> 00:24:57,305
but I look at you, and I think,

500
00:24:57,825 --> 00:24:59,025
"Fuck me.

501
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:00,665
I'm like that."

502
00:25:04,545 --> 00:25:05,545
No, you're not.

503
00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:21,945
Don't rob me!

504
00:26:10,345 --> 00:26:15,345
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