SELF-LOVE

MADE
SIMPLE
A PLAYFUL, PRACTICAL GUIDE
TO BUILDING SELF-LOVE QUICKLY & EASILY

BY CREATOR OF
GLOBAL INNER FITNESS

DANIEL PACKARD
 Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION 6 
CHAPTER 1 - IT’S WHAT WE CAN’T SEE THAT HURTS US 10 
YOU ARE NOT ALONE 11 
THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT 1​5 
BLIND SPOTS 1​9 
LOOK FOR INCONSISTENCIES 22 
CHAPTER 2 - THE BIG ‘R’ 24 
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS 2​5 
LOVE’S INGREDIENTS 2​9 
WHAT STOPS THE FLOW 32 
WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF? 3​7 
THE MEANING 4​9 
OTHER FORMS 53 
CHAPTER 3 - THE CARNIVAL 5​9 
HE CAN’T 62 
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS 6​5 
WE MAKE IT UP 70 
SO WHERE IS MY LOVE? 7​8 
REJECTING REJECTION 7​9 
YOU CAN LEAVE THE CARNIVAL 8​5 
GO DEEPER 8​8 
 
***FIRST 3 CHAPTERS ARE INCLUDED IN THIS FREE DOWNLOAD*** 
 
CHAPTER 4 - LEAVING THE CARNIVAL 93 
WILD GHOST CHASE 102 
INSIDE VOICE 10​9 
PINOT NOIR 1​11 
THEY JUST MET YOU 117 
MISTAKES OF A VALIDATION ADDICT 1​20 
WHY PEOPLE SAY ‘YES’ 1​23 
WHY PEOPLE SAY ‘NO’ 1​25 
FEELINGS 1​27 
SIXTY-PERCENTERS 1​33 
THE REASON PEOPLE SAY NO 1​35 
CHAPTER 5 - WHERE IS THE LOVE? 13​9 
SELF –ESTEEM ENGINE 1​43 
CHAPTER 6 - YOUR TRUE NET WORTH 1​51 
SOUL MUSIC 1​55 
STRIKE THE MATCH 1​57 
FRIEND MAGNETS 15​9 
 MAGNETISM MEANS NO REJECTION 1​62 
MAGNETS WORRY LESS 1​64 
ELECTRIC WORDS 1​73 
PUMP UP THE VOLUME 1​75 
MAGNETIC MIRACLES 1​77 
THE MISLABELED REMBRANDT 1​82 
CHAPTER 7 - LEAVING THE TENT 1​87 
FOX BAD NEWS 18​8 
KIDS ARE PROOF 1​90 
CHAPTER 8 – GOD’S PLAN 1​97 
GOD MADE YOU 19​9 
PRO-LIFE 201 
LEAVING SOLITARY CONFINEMENT 202 
GOD’S REHAB 203 
NICK 204 
NEXT STEPS FOR YOU 207 

 
   
 . 

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ 
 
- Eleanor Roosevelt 
 Dear You, 
Here’s Why I Wrote This Book For You 

Well hello there Self-Love Seeker,  

 
It’s me...Daniel Packard. Creator and Leader of Global Inner Fitness Training (GIFT).  
 
If you are reading this then you already know the importance of having self-love 
and self-esteem.   
 
And if you are reading this then you already know how tough life can be when 
you ​don’t​ have self-love and self-esteem. 
 
Which makes me sad a bit.   
 
Because I have soooo been there girlfriend.   
 
But trust me, this book is designed to help.   
 
Because after fifteen years of research and helping over 300,000 people all over 
the world systematically and easily build self-love, ​this​ is the book I wish to 
goodness I had when I didn’t love myself. 
 
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have this book. I had to figure all this out on my 
own. Which was f’ing scary by the way. More on that later. 
 
But you do. You ​do​ have this book.   
 
You are...at this very moment...reading the first few words of a profoundly 
valuable perceptual tool...a sexy slingshot mechanically designed to accelerate 
your trajectory towards what you want to have, who you want to be and most 
importantly how you want to ​feel​. 
 
See if you don’t love yourself, that is why you don’t feel better. When you ​don’t 
love yourself you are already experiencing or going to experience: doubt, 
insecurity, boredom, stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, meaningless dating, 
or disconnected relationships. 
 
But when you ​do​ love yourself you quickly and effortlessly gain access to feeling: 
confidence, calm, fulfillment, aliveness, joy, meaningful dating, and connected, 
nourishing relationships with l​ ots​ of cuddling. 
 
And feeling better is what I d​ esperately​ want for you. 
 
Don’t you want to feel better? Of course you do. That is ultimately why you are 
reading these pages right now.   
 
And maybe you are saying to yourself ‘Daniel, sounds good. But that is some 
pretty big talk. How you gonna back that up?’  
 
Here is how.  
 
See, just like you I was somebody who didn’t love myself. And like you I knew I 
needed to build self-love. But then when I went around looking for resources on 
how to build self-love, there really weren’t any. None that worked anyways. 
 
So, because I have a Mechanical Engineering Degree I set off to figure out how 
to do it. How to build self-love. 
 
And after ten years of research on myself, and then from helping over three 
hundred thousand people, I created and perfected a simple ‘how.’ 
 
The reason my approach works is because it’s simple, logical, and based in the 
actual mechanics of what self-love is and ​isn’t. 
 
See, almost everybody on the planet (including myself for many years) has an 
understanding of self-love that sounds good, but that isn’t really how self-love 
works. 
 
People are trying to build self-love, but their mechanics are off and so even 
though they mean well, they are unknowingly 180 degrees ​off​ . And because 
their compass is way off they never really make it to their destination of loving 
themselves. 
 
I know this because it’s who...I...​was​. I tried and tried to boost my self-love and 
self-esteem, but because I was doing it the backwards way, no matter what I did, 
I never really felt truly different.   
 
And then when things didn’t work, I would subconsciously say to myself ‘See 
Daniel, the reason you don’t love yourself after all this work, is because there 
really ​is s​ omething wrong with you.’ 
 
But when I finally and truly understood the mechanics of self-love and how to 
build it, I realized there was nothing wrong with me. I just had incorrect 
mechanics. 
 
So I want to let you know, there is n ​ othing​ wrong with you. You just have 
improper self-love mechanics. And when I show you the proper mechanics you 
will finally see for yourself, not only are you not broken, but you are actually a 
little ball of divinity just waiting to sing your song. 
 
I used to be a cripplingly insecure little boy that didn’t like who I was because 
nobody was loving me the way I wanted. But now with the approach I want to 
share with you, I began to quickly fall deeper and deeper in love with myself 
everyday. With the end result being I get to wake up every morning, look in the 
mirror, see my reflection, and from the depth of my beautiful soul say to myself 
‘I L​ OVE t​ hat guy.’ 
 
And trust me, life is soooooo much easier and lighter and more joyful when you 
have a deep crush on yourself. 
 
When you know deeply, on a soul level, that you are inherently loveable (which 
is what this book is going to show you) so many things improve in your life. 
 
If you are looking for love, please trust me when I say this book will create a shift 
in you that will awaken you to the fact that love is much closer than you think. 
And you (yes y​ ou, I’m talking to you)​ can find somebody that wants to love you. 
The real you.​Just​ as you are. 
 
FYI It sucks when somebody wants to change you, does it not? 
 
If you are already ​in​ a relationship, this book will heal you in a way that gives you 
access to being more open, close, intimate and deeply connected to the one 
you love. 
 
But regardless of your relationship status, so much of what we don’t want to feel 
in life (insecurity, stress, boredom..etc) is rooted in a lack of self-love. So by this 
book helping you heal on the deepest level, you gain access to feeling emotions 
you haven’t felt in a while. Emotions such as confidence, calm, fulfilment...and 
best of all ‘hope.’ Yeah hope. Remember hope? 
 
But best of all, you will just notice yourself becoming more real, honest and 
deeply authentic. You will get to experience that ‘I just get to be myself feeling’ 
more and more moments of the day. Not only does that feel delicious in your 
soul, but I think it is God and The Universe's way of rewarding you and saying 
“Good job, loving you and being you, is all we ever wanted for you.” 
 
And that is what I​ ​ want for you. For you to be more you. 
 
And while this book helps you love yourself, it doesn’t do it by tickling your 
heart with kind words and pretty quotes. I’m a former Mechanical Engineer. I like 
logic. And systems. And results. And simplicity  
 
The reason this book is called ‘Self-Love Made Simple’ is because it is just 
that...​simple. I​ t takes you on a simple, fact-based, logical journey where the end 
result is that it’s impossible to not see your inherent lovability. 
 
And because I was a stand-up comedian for fifteen years, I made sure to make 
this book fun, playful and funny.   
 
And to make sure it was as engaging as possible, I filled it with lots of juicy (and 
sometimes hard to believe) stories from my own love life. And so while this book 
was written through the filter of love and relationships, the principles and 
mechanics can be applied to any area of your life where having more self-love 
and self-esteem will make life better. 
 
To be honest. I’m a little jealous. Like I said I wish to goodness I had this book 
when I didn’t fully love myself. It would have made life ​sooo​ much easier. But 
the good new is that you have it now.   
 
And that means you are just a few wonderful words away from having more 
self-love. And a few words away from having better relationships and feeling 
better. 
 
 
Now buckle up...it’s about to get real. 
 
 
With love, support and a cosmic high-five, 
 
 CHAPTER 1 

IT’S WHAT WE CAN’T SEE THAT HURTS US 

 YOU ARE NOT ALONE 
 
Where did it all start? Where most of life’s big quandaries start. A crush. Jenny 
Kantor to be exact. She had this adorable button nose and dirty blond-ringlet 
hair. Think Shirley Temple but cuter. And she was exceptionally good at playing 
the game of Tag. Which, trust me, in Middle School was a very attractive quality. 
 
And she was nine-and-a-half. And with me being nine, that made her an exotic 
older woman. And she owned these cute, tight, white shorts that she would 
wear in the summer, that like some pre-teen fishing lure, I could not take my 
eyes off them. Mesmerizing.  
 
She also just had this happy, radiant glow that was so magnetic, that sometimes 
I’d let her catch me at tag, just to get close to her. 
 
​ he Beatles​ sing “I Want To Hold Your Hand.’ I thought 
The first time I heard T
‘oh man, I totally know what they are singing about.’  
 
Because all I wanted to do, was one day, hold Jenny’s hand. 
 
But how?  
 
The Answer…the movie ​The Dark Crystal​ was playing at the Shattuck 7 Cinemas 
in Berkeley, California.  
 
I had my in. I would ask Jenny to go see ​The Dark Crystal ​with me. 
 
There was just one teensy-weensy problem. This terrified me. 
 
When my best friend, Andrew, found out about all this, he said “Just go for it. 
The worst thing she can do is say is ‘no.’”  
 
Part of me thought, “Wow Andrew, you’re right. I should go for it. I have 
nothing to lose and everything to gain. Man, that’s good advice.” But another 
part of me, the part of me that was having a nine-year old panic attack at the 
thought of asking Jenny out, that part, that is the part that won out.  
 
And sadly, I never got the chance to clumsily bump Jenny’s hand in a box of 
buttery popcorn. 
 
And I wasn’t just sad. I was confused. Really confused. Not about Jenny, but 
what my friend Andrew said.  
 
He said “Just go for it.” Which has the word “just” in it. And by using the word 
“just,” he made it seem like this was all so easy, that love was so easy. But 
based on the grapefruit-sized ball of fear in my little nine-year old chest, Love 
seemed anything but easy.  
 
And even decades later, Love was never easy.  
 
And yet people just kept throwing around that word ‘just.” 
 
● Just be open and don’t take things so personally. 
● Just move on and let the past go. 
● Just be in the moment and don’t overthink things. 
● Just don’t worry and be yourself. 
● Just be honest and tell them how you feel. 
● Just be confident and face your fears. 
● Just relax, you’ll find love when you stop looking for it. 
 
And my fave…. 
 
● Just go for it. The worst thing they can do is say is ‘no.’ 
 
Really? “The worst thing they can do is say is ‘no.’’ Is that supposed to help? 
That’s like somebody saying “Just go scuba diving. The worst thing that can 
happen is being attacked by a shark”. Actually, worse is if the shark starts talking 
to you and says “Just relax, you will find air when you stop looking for it.” 
 
So, with all due respect, when people use the word ‘just’ with me, I want to say 
“Ummm, thank you, but if I could ‘just’ pull off what you’re saying, do you think 
I’d be in this crappy situation to begin with?” 
 
‘Just’ is for “Just pick up some milk at the store.” Or, “Just don’t fart when my 
head is under the covers.” But telling somebody to “Just face your fears” is like 
telling somebody that struggles with anorexia to “Just eat a cheeseburger.” 
Sounds good, but easier said than done. 
 
So, to all the people, that when speaking of love, use the word ‘just,’ I want to 
say this to you: “Just go away, because you don’t get it”. 
 
If love was ‘Just’ anything, there wouldn’t be thousands of songs and poems 
written about love gone bad. 
 
If love was ‘just’ anything, Kleenex won’t exist. 
If love was ‘just’ anything, the ​Annhesier-Busch Corporation​ would be out of 
business. 
 
If love was ‘just’ anything, you wouldn’t be reading this book. 
 
When it comes to love, there is no ‘just.’  
 
And you know why? I will tell you why. 
 
Because love is ​HARD.  
 
There I said it. Love is hard. H...A…R…D…HARD. Disney doesn’t bring that up 
do they? Greetings cards don’t bring that up do they? There is no “Gut 
Wrenching Sadness Collection” from Hallmark, is there? No, there isn’t. 
 
But there should be. Because (say it with me) ‘ Love…is….HARD.’ 
 
So, if you are struggling and don’t know what is going on, there is nothing 
wrong with you…because love is hard. 
 
Love is cruel and finicky and shows no mercy. 
 
Love waits for you to be happy and then punches you in the gut. 
 
Love lures you in, and just when you think you got it, just when you think you are 
in the clear, BOO-YA…Faceplant. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya. 
 
So, if you are finding that love is hard. You’re right, it is. 
 
If you are losing hope, I get it. I almost did too. 
 
If you are feeling confused and lost, I’ve been there. 
 
If you are feeling frustrated and mad, you are ​not alone. 
 
If you feel constantly disappointed and wondering if it will ever get better, 
welcome to the party. 
 
If you want more love, but don’t know how, I see you and I feel you. 
 
Love is of course wonderful and beautiful and life affirming, but what those 
Hallmark cards fail to mention is that love is also a steroidal, moody gorilla that 
has no problem body slamming you and taking all your emotional lunch money. 
 
So, if you have felt hurt and pain and sorrow and confusion and most of all 
doubt…spirit-suffocating, mind-maddening doubt, then let me tell you, I have 
been there and I get it. 
And so, from that place of connected acknowledgment and deep witness, I just 
want to say two things to you, from the bottom of my little nine-year-old, Jenny 
Kantor loving heart: 
 
a) I’m really, really sorry. I know it’s been hard. 
 
And  
 
b) I’m here to help. 
 
But first...let me tell you a story. 
 THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT 
Long before I was the hunky mountain of man meat you see before you now, I 
was a deeply insecure 14-year old boy. And I think God must have a sick sense 
of humor because at the age of 14, when I was at the peak of insecurity, he 
covered my face in acne. Really God? I am barely tall enough to make it on a 
roller coaster, my voice is cracking like an asthmatic Shaggy from Scooby Doo, I 
have no idea who I am, I am entering the cruelest place on earth, High School, 
and God says “You know what this kid really needs right now? A face covered in 
puss-filled infections.” 

 
 
I was hideous and I knew it. Not just unattractive…hideous. I remember looking 
in the mirror one day and just saying “Who is ever going to want to love this?” 
Even just writing about it now, makes me sad how ugly and unlovable I felt. 
 
And this ugliness made the idea of having a girlfriend seem absolutely 
impossible. All through high school, I never even asked a girl out. I mean, why 
would I? I was too ugly to be loved. 
 
And then I went off to college. And the only thing worse than feeling too ugly to 
be loved, is to feel too ugly to be loved and go off to college. Because there are 
cute girls everywhere, and I couldn’t do anything about it. 
 
I was living in the dormitories. Which is a multi-story building packed with 
wall-to-wall, young, just-out-of-their-parents-house co-eds. Public College is like 
a government funded brothel. Hundreds of densely packed, young women, 
glistening with rebellion, lust, and experimentation. A petri dish of carnal 
delights and I lived at ground zero of it all.  
 
But there is no point in living at ground zero, if you feel like a zero. No matter 
how much potential love I was surrounded by, my face was covered in pimples. 
And in my head, pimples equaled no love for Daniel. So, for me, by being 
surrounded with all that feminine beauty, with all that pimple-based fear, was as 
much fun as winning tickets to a peanut brittle contest and having a nut allergy.  
 
I got used to it however. After years of knowing my pimples made me too ugly 
to be loved, I prepared myself for the inevitability that I would die a 
pimply-spinster, with car posters on my wall, and a pet parakeet named Dreidel.  
 
And that would have been my fate. It certainly would have. Except for what I saw 
on September 29​th​, 1992. For that was the day that I saw something that forever 
changed my entire reality. And no, it was not seeing MC Hammer Pants for the 
first time as one might expect. No, what changed everything was meeting Pippa 
Greenly. Yes, dear reader…Pippa Greenly. Pippa was, in my opinion, the 
prettiest, coolest, nicest, funniest girl on campus. She was the complete 
package. And she could be with any guy.  
 
And guess who Pippa Greenly was holding hands with on September 29​th​, 
1992? None other than Darren Burrows. Yes, Darren Burrows!!! And why is this 
significant? Why is Darren Burrows significant? Why does Pippa Greenly holding 
hands with Darren Burrows cause me to remember the exact date? Because this 
isn’t about Pippa and Darren, this is about what was on Darren’s face? And what 
was on Darren’s face? PIMPLES!!!  
 
It made NO sense. It couldn’t be real. I knew the truth that PIMPLES = NO 
LOVE. It is fact. Science I tell you. And yet here was a guy with pimples on his 
face, not only with love, but with love from the coolest girl on campus. My brain 
couldn’t compute what I was seeing. Until I realized “Oh my god…I get it 
now…of course…Pippa…..is an escort.” 
 
But when I realized ladies of the night generally don’t wear ripped jeans and 
black C ​ onverse All-Stars​, that say “Anarchy” on the side, I was forced to 
investigate further. 
 
I walked up to Pippa at lunch, sat down next to her, and said with fake 
off-the-cuff-ness “Soooo, I saw you holding hands with Darren?” And she smiled 
the smile of a girl in love and said “Yeah, he’s great.” And almost as though s​ he 
was the weird one I said “Ummmm, you do know Darren has pimples on his 
face, don’t you?” And with the tone of “where is this conversation going?” she 
said, “Umm, yeah, I guess he does. Why?” And I wanted to jump up and say 
“WHY?!? Because clearly young, naïve lady, ‘pimples = no love,’ and you are 
violating the laws of space and time by continuing this love charade with a 
pimply faced boy…​that’s w ​ hy.”  
 
But instead, I just said, “Well…ya’ know…cuz.” And she said, “No. I don’t 
know.” And since I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth that pimples = no 
love, I sort of hinted at it by saying “Well, you know, Darren has pimples, and 
pimples are kind of gross.” And I thought that would do it, and wake her up to 
the truth she was missing. Instead it was I who woke up, because she revealed a 
possibility I didn’t even consider. She said “Yeah, I guess Darren has pimples. 
But I don’t know, I just really love Darren.”  
 
She what? She l​ oves​ Darren. She ​really l​ oves Darren. But that made no sense. 
Because Darren has pimples. And pimples = no love. So mathematically she 
can’t ​love Darren.  
 
But she did love Darren. She ​really l​ oved Darren. So, what was going on? This 
didn’t make sense. Unless of course…Oh my god. No way.  
 
Could I be wrong?  
 
I wasn’t fully ready to admit that just yet. But let’s just say my consciousness 
definitely felt a definite ‘CRACK,’ as a pebble of truth smacked into my 
windshield of delusion. 
 
Fueled by panic and partly by curiosity, I ran to go find Darren. As I saw him 
practicing skateboard moves outside our dorm, I ran up to him and said “Dude. 
You and Pippa. What did you do? How did this happen?” And he said “What do 
you mean, what did I do?” And I said “Pippa is like the coolest girl at school. 
How did you get her to like you?”  
 
And as though this was no big deal, defying all laws of human physics he just 
said “I don’t know. I just know I’m a ten out of ten.” And I said, “Oh I get it, you 
pretend you are a ten out of ten, so you look confident. Girls like confidence 
and you trick her into liking you. I get it.” And he said, “I am not pretending 
anything. I just k​ now​ I am a ten out of ten.” And I thought to myself “he has 
pimples, he can’t possibly ​really​ think he is a ten out of ten.”  
 
So, with this cocky ‘I’m going to show you the way the world works’ tone I said, 
“Dude, where did ​you​ learn you were a ten out of ten?”  
 
And he said the words that changed everything I knew to be true. He said 
“Where did you learn you ​weren’t.’  
 
Those words skipped my brain, went down into my chest, down my spine and 
straight into my soul whereupon I heard a deep psychic… 
 
CRACK!!! 
 
On the surface, it was just a question. But deep down, it was the beginning of an 
awakening. 
 

 
 BLIND SPOTS 
Ever since I fell in love with Jenny Kantor, but was too terrified to do anything 
about it, I had been thoroughly confused on how to find and keep love. And to 
deal with that confusion, I was on a tireless quest for information. Advice, 
suggestions, insights, tips…you name it, I wanted it. I had love q ​ uestions​ and I 
wanted some gosh darn love a ​ nswers​.  
 
And it seemed like a good idea, because everyone else was doing it too. 
 
I’d hear things like: 
 
● What do I say? 
● How do I get them to call me back? 
● How many dates do I wait before trying something? 
● How do I know if they really liked me? 
● Is that mole on their face going to stay the same size or grow bigger? 
 
Or I’ve seen articles in magazines with topics like: 
 
● 3 ways to get your marriage back on track 
● 7 tips on how not to get hurt 
● 9 tips to know if they are right for you 
● 10 ways to land the person of your dreams 
● 18 way on how to get anybody to fall in love with you. 
● 50 ways to leave your lover 
 
That last one was a Paul Simon song, but you get the point. And that point is it 
looked like people were trying to get love by getting answers. 
 
Now sometimes answers are helpful. For instance, anytime my computer starts 
to act funny, I go online, ask some questions, get some answers, and just like 
that, the problem is fixed. 
 
There are lots of situations where getting more answers is helpful. But in some 
types of situations, getting more and more answers will never help. And that is 
what was happening before I met Darren. Before I met Darren, I was trying to 
understand love, and get answers. And no matter how many questions I asked, 
and no matter many how many answers I got, things never seemed ​that m ​ uch 
better. 
 
And that is because, the thing that I ​really​ needed to see, I couldn’t see. I had a 
blind spot. A blind spot is when you are missing something, but you don’t even 
know you are missing it.  
 
Having a blind spot is like having the wrong map, but not knowing it’s the wrong 
map. So, you can go around trying to find your way, and asking people all sorts 
of questions and getting all sorts of answers, but still end up scared, exhausted, 
and lost. 

So  sometimes  answers  help.  But  if  you  have  blind  spots,  more  answers  backfire 
because:  

a) You are just piling new information on top of the old,  

bad information. 
b) Looking  for  surface  level  answers  keeps  you  distracted  from  the  deeper 
insights that are really holding you back. 
c) Things  don’t  improve,  and so you start to get frustrated and scared which 
changes your whole attitude towards what you are trying to get. 

Fortunately,  blind  spots  are  not  permanent.  Every  now  and  then  we  can  spot 
one.  That  is  what  an  epiphany  or  an  ‘aha’  moment or a breakthrough is. It’s that 
moment  of saying to yourself “Oh I see it now.” Now, what you are seeing is not 
new  or  magical;  it  was  there  all  along.  But  because  you  were  blind,  you  just 
couldn’t see it.  

​ o  see  it,  when  you  see  the  truth  that  was  there  all  along,  it  can 
But  when  you  d
change your life.  

So,  I  get  why  you  want  answers.  When  we  are  scared,  we  like  to  know  what  is 
going  on.  And  if  you  just  want  to  collect  knowledge,  then  get  all  the  answers 
you want. 

But  if  you  truly  want  things  to  change,  if  you  truly  want  to  transform  the 
trajectory of your life, breakthroughs are what you want. 

But to have a breakthrough, you first have to see your blind spots. 

That  day  back  in  1992,  Darren  gave me the profound gift of illuminating my first 

blind  spot,  which  lead to my first breakthrough, which led to my journey from an 
insecure  boy  who couldn’t even ask a girl to the movies, to a confident man who 
can create his own on-demand romance novel. 

And  I  remember  that  moment  with  Darren  so  clearly,  because  when  I  saw  my 
blind  spot,  and  felt  my  love  software  get  that  little  update,  I  could  actually  feel 
my  body  relax  and  expand.  As  though  my  deep  knowing  was  saying “Oh that’s 
better. Things are going to go a lot better from now on.’ 

And  ever  since  that  moment  with  Darren,  I  stopped  looking  for  answers,  and 
starting  looking  for  blind  spots.  And  ever  since  I  started  helping  other  people 
find  love,  I  don’t  give  answers,  but  I  have  helped  a lot of people find their blind 
spots, have breakthroughs and create their own on-demand romance novels. 

And  so,  if  you  want  more  answers,  this  book  probably  isn’t  for  you.  But  if you’d 
like  to  illuminate  your  blind  spots  and  have  some  breakthroughs,  then  I 
encourage and invite you to read on. 

____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
A) When you are stuck, don’t look for answers, look for blind spots. 
 
B) Illuminating blind spots leads to breakthroughs. 
 
C) Breakthroughs get you what you want faster. 
 
____________________ 
 

 
 LOOK FOR INCONSISTENCIES 
As helpful as finding blind spots can be, finding blind spots are not as easy as 
finding other things. Because part of what makes a blind spot a blind spot is that 
you don’t even know that you don’t know. So, it’s tough to find something that 
you don’t even know you know is missing. 

So how do you find a blind spot? How do you discover something that you don’t 
even know exists? 

On some level…it’s tough. 

I know that’s not the answer you wanted to hear, but it’s tough to see something 
that is invisible.  

But like anything precious and hidden, you can find blind spots faster if you have 
the right tool. 

And that tool is exactly what they used to discover the biggest blind spot of 
them all, black holes.  
 
Yeah…black holes. Didn’t see that coming, did you? 
 
Before they really understood what a black hole was, they first looked up into 
the sky and saw, well… a black hole. A black hole in the middle of the sky isn’t 
supposed to be there. It’s…inconsistent with what we already know. So, they 
didn’t know what a black hole was exactly, but the inconsistency let them know 
there is something inconsistent, and they should probably take a closer look. 
 
And with a place to take a closer look, scientists tried to explain why there was a 
hole in the sky. And in 1783, a British geologist and amateur astronomer, John 
Mitchell, came up with the theory that there was something up in space with 
such a large gravitational pull that even light can’t escape it.  
 
But the fact that nobody could conceive of something like that, created another 
inconsistency. And by trying to explain this new inconsistency, in 1964 Jocelyn 
Bell-Burnell figured out that when stars collapse, they create something with a 
tiny size, but with a huge gravitational pull. These collapsed stars (aka neutron 
stars) not only explained what was causing black holes, but also gave scientists 
huge breakthroughs into the behavior of space and time. 
  
The reason I am telling you this is not to show off my ability to Google ‘History 
of Black Holes,” but to show that when you feel like you are missing something, 
if you just follow the inconsistencies, you can go from a hole in the sky to 
understanding quantum theory. 
Cops catch people drinking and driving by first noticing inconsistencies. The IRS 
catches people cheating on their taxes by first noticing inconsistencies. Lawyers 
get people’s convictions overturned by finding inconsistencies. President Nixon 
was brought down by somebody discovering an 18-minute inconsistency.  
 
So, when we are stuck or blind or confused, looking for answers, gets us more of 
the same. But looking for inconsistencies lets us see beyond where we can see. 
It’s great for physicists, journalists, accountants, lawyers and it’s really great for 
people with blind spots. 
 
So, if you want more of the same, keep looking for answers (and more of what 
you do know). But if you want your life to change and have a breakthrough, start 
looking for the blind spots, and what you don’t know. 
 
___________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
A) If you keep looking for evidence of what you already know, you 
will reinforce your blind spot. 
 
B) To get unstuck, stop looking for evidence of what you already 
know, and start looking for evidence of what you don’t know. 
 
C) To find what you don’t know, stop looking for answers and start 
looking for inconsistencies. 
 
___________________ 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER 2 

THE BIG ‘R’ 

 
 

 
 FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS 
Whether you are trying to solve the mysteries of deep space or deep love, it 
helps to discover what you don’t know. That is what leads to epiphanies and 
breakthroughs. And we can discover what we don’t know by finding our blind 
spots. And we can find out blind spots by following the steps of those early 
scientists. 
 
a) To find a blind spot, you need to know where to look.  
b) To know where to look, you first need an inconsistency. 
c) Once you find an inconsistency, dig deeper. 
d) Whatever is causing the inconsistency is the nugget of truth that can really 
help you. 
 
So, to help illustrate an inconsistency in love, I will take an excerpt from a 
session I had with a former client of mine, Chris. Chris is 38, a teacher, a 
wonderful soul, and she desperately wants to find love.  
 
 
CLIENT SESSION WITH CHRIS 
 
Daniel​: Well let’s just start at the beginning. Why do you think you struggle to 
find love? 
Chris​: I don’t know. Lots of reasons. But it just feels like I can’t seem to find the 
right person.  
Daniel​: Well that makes sense. But why do you think you can’t find the right 
person? 
Chris​: I mean partly it’s the city I am in. It seems like there are no quality people 
to choose from.  
Daniel​: What else? 
Chris​: Well it seems like people are always busy and don’t really have time to 
connect. 
Daniel​: What else? 
Chris​: I mean I am pretty picky, and I want somebody funny and smart and that 
gets me. And not everybody gets me.  
Daniel​: Well that all sounds like reasonable things to want. So why do you think 
you don’t have that? 
Chris​: Like I said, I don’t know if those people even exist. And if they did, I don’t 
know how to find them. 
 
Daniel​: So, you think the reason you don’t have love, is because of the quality of 
the people out there. And if there are quality people, you don’t know how to 
find them? 
Chris​: Basically. Yes. 
Daniel​: So, if I could prove that those people do exist and you do know how to 
find them, would you be open to the idea that it’s something else that is the 
problem. 
Chris​: Absolutely. 
Daniel​: I actually already know of a group of people that are exactly like you are 
describing. And I happen to know that you know exactly how to find them.  
Chris​: Who? 
Daniel​: Your friends.  
Chris​: That’s different. 
Daniel​: We think they are different, but really they are the same. Friendship and 
love are a close connection. And I don’t normally quote people, but Bruce Lee 
said “Friendship is love on fire” So you going to disagree with Bruce? 
Chris​: I wouldn’t dare. 
Daniel​: So if friendship and love are so similar, why is one so easy and one so 
hard? 
Chris​: Well it just seems more complicated.  
Daniel​: It is…the question is why? There is an answer. And that answer is the 
very reason you, and all of us struggle with love. Before I had that answer, 
finding love was as tough as finding a needle in a haystack, at night, in a 
tornado, with Glaucoma. But when I finally figured out why love is more 
complicated than friendship, and addressed it, love became as simple to find as 
friendship. 
Chris​: So, what’s the answer? 
Daniel​: You actually kind of already know.  
Chris​: What is it? 
Daniel​: Well first let’s go on a little thought journey that will deliver you to a 
place where the answer will be staring you right in the face. Think of it as like 
‘Lord Of The Wedding Rings’, but instead of travelling to Middle Earth, we are 
travelling to Middle You. 
 
END OF SESSION 
 
 
So, there you have a big, juicy inconsistency. And that is that friendship and 
Love are structurally very similar but:  
 
● Finding friendship is pretty straightforward, but finding love can be very 
confusing. 
 
● Finding friends is pretty easy and effortless, but finding love can be scary 
and exhausting. 
 
● You will never hear anybody blame their city for why they have no friends. 
 
So, now that we have an inconsistency, we know where to dig deeper. 
 
And to dig deeper, all we have to do is ask “What is causing the inconsistency?” 
Why are love and friendship similar, but different? 
 
While, there is an actual answer to this question, as I said before you don’t want 
to solve your answers, you want to bust your blind spots. 
 
And that blind spot busting (aka an epiphany) I can’t do for you, that you have to 
do for yourself. 
But I can put you in situations where seeing a blind spot and having a little 
breakthrough, is much more likely to happen.  
 
And the best way to put you in those situations is to ask you questions you don’t 
really know the answers to. Just like when Darren asked me the question 
“Where did you learn you ​weren’t​ a ten out of ten?”, I had no idea, and that was 
a good thing. 
 
So, throughout this book I will be asking you lots of questions to ponder. These 
Ponder Points are designed to get you thinking about ideas in a new way that 
might crack your brain open just enough to let the light in and illuminate some 
blind spots.  
 
Just sit with these Ponder Points. There is no right answer. The questions aren’t 
meant to educate, but rather to activate. Active your subconscious and bring it 
to the surface for you to examine with conscious awareness. 
 
Gift yourself with at least 1-2 minutes of pondering these questions. And even 
better if you sit and journal about it. These are questions people almost never 
ask themselves. Our belief systems are so automatic, and habitual, and run in 
the background, that we don’t even t​ hink ​to ask questions that question our 
beliefs.  
 
Plus, humans have egos, and we find comfort in being ‘right.’ Not you of course. 
But o​ ther​ people like to be right. And these Ponder Point questions are 
designed to poke around our preexisting beliefs and see if we are maybe 
wrong. Not you of course. You are never wrong. But other people might be 
wrong. 
 
And we can only find that, by questioning ourselves. And it is that questioning, 
that curiosity to ask ‘Hey things aren’t adding up, I wonder why?’ that can reveal 
the confused nature of our consciousness.  
 
And when we reveal these confusions, our software updates towards truth, and 
we are one step closer to freedom. 
 
So, are you ready for Observational Ponder Points? Are you down with OPP?  
 
Here is your first. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
___________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
Why, if friendship and love are so similar, do we struggle in love, but not so 
much in friendship? 
 
____________________ 

 
 LOVE’S INGREDIENTS 
Depending on how spiritual or religious or philosophical you want to get, 
Friendship and Love have endless definitions. Most of them difficult to describe 
in words and most of them vary from person to person. So, I am not going to try 
to define what love and friendship is. But for the purposes of this book I am 
going to say that Love and Friendship are similar in that they are both based in 
connection. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
Love and Friendship are based in connection. 
 
 
____________________ 
 
So how do we create that connection?  
 
My sophomore year in college, I found out.  
 
My sophomore year I was in full girlfriend finding mode. All of my friends had 
girlfriends and darn it, I wanted one too. I spent a lot of energy trying to figure 
out what girls wanted and trying to be t​ hat​. But nothing seemed to work. And 
what made it worse was that, at the time, I was a physics major. And in 1992, 
there weren’t that many women in my physics class. So, studying physics is 
intellectually stimulating, but not optimal girlfriend finding conditions. 
 
There was however one girl I knew in the physics program. Her name was Jo. 
Short for Josephine. Jo was funny, smart, and goofy. And even though she was 
cute (especially cute for a female physics major), she just wasn’t my type. And 
since I wasn’t interested in her romantically, I just treated her like one of the 
guys. Jo and I spent probably twenty hours a week together. It was partly about 
studying and partly just about having fun making each other laugh and bonding 
over how hard being a physics major was. 
 
About three months into that semester we were sitting at a coffee shop studying 
for a test the next day on Bernoulli’s principle. At one point, we were studying 
these equations that would let us predict how air molecules would flow. It must 
have been 3am, and I was so loopy, I decided it would be more fun to get the 
answer by pretending to be an air molecule and then just ask the other air 
molecules where they were going to go. Jo thought it was hilarious and started 
laughing. Then I started laughing. And then we both just lost it. We are laughing 
and laughing and we can barely breath.  
 
When I finally come up for air, I look over at Jo and she just…looked… ​beautiful​. 
And with crystal clarity I felt my soul say “Oh my God, I l​ ove​ this girl.”  
 
But how? I wasn’t doing a ​ nything​. I wasn’t ​trying​. I wasn’t taking any of the 
advice my friends had given me. My whole life I had been trying and trying to 
find love and gotten nowhere. But then at 3am, while giggling over air molecule 
impersonations, it just h ​ appened​. 
 
But it didn’t just happen. Looking back, I realize exactly how it happened. 
 
Firstly, because I wasn’t interested in Jo romantically, I wasn’t trying to get her 
to like me. And by not trying to get her to like me, I felt calm and relaxed and 
gave myself full permission to just be m ​ e​. Good-old fashioned, goofy, pimply, 
molecule-impersonating m ​ e​.  
 
And because I wasn’t trying to get to her to like me, I wasn’t worried about 
getting hurt or whether she would like me back. And since there was no chance 
of my heart getting hurt, my heart was just always open to her. And that 
openness allowed for what started off as a small connection, to build and build, 
and grow and grow, until it blossomed into love. 
 
So, while it felt like the love just happened with Jo, it didn’t just happen. It 
happened because: a) I got to be me. And b) I was not worried about getting 
hurt, so I was completely open. 
 
A month later, one night, after some world-class power cuddling, we talked 
about how we went from friends to lovers. And Jo experienced pretty much the 
same thing as I did. She said she was just being herself and being open. And it 
just h​ appened​. 
 
So even though I was young, and had no idea what I was doing, I accidentally 
stumbled upon the two core ingredients for creating deep connection. 
 
Thing number one…’Authenticity.’ You need to be ​you​.  
 
If you want somebody to love you, then you have to show the ​real​ you. You 
can’t put out a fake version of you and then expect somebody to fall in love with 
the real you. 
 
It’s like you have a unique song to sing. That only you can sing. And part of love 
is that somebody likes your song, and wants to be around it. But for that to 
happen, you have to be walking around singing your unique, ​authentic​ song. If 
your song is muffled or a messy mixture of a bunch of songs, then people can’t 
really hear and connect to your unique, authentic song.  
 
So, the reason you need to be authentic, is so that you are walking around, 
loudly and proudly singing your unique, authentic song. And then the person 
that is out there, that wants to hear your song, can actually hear your unique 
song. And when they walk by you, they will feel you and your song, and say to 
themselves “Yeeeeah, that’s my jam.” 
 
But for that to happen, you have to be the first ingredient of connection, which 
is ‘authentic.’ 
 
Thing number two you need for connection is…’Openness.’ Love is a 
connection between two people. It’s a connection that allows the flow of energy 
(feelings, understanding, care, thoughts…etc.) to travel back and forth between 
two people. It’s that back and forth feeling, between two people, that creates 
this kind of resonance and harmony that creates this positive feeling in our body 
that we call love. 
 
But for the energy to flow back and forth, you need to be open. You can have a 
huge lake, and a billion-dollar hydro-electric plant, but if the valves are shut, you 
get no electricity. So, if you want to feel the electricity of love, you need the 
valves to be open.  
 
____________________ 
 
 
GRANDPA EDDIE’S AWARD WINNING LOVE COBBLER 
 
1 Teaspoon: Hope 
1 Pinch: Optimism 
2 scoops: Openness 
2 scoops: Authenticity 
 
Serving Size: 2 
Serve Hot and Enjoy 
 
____________________ 
 
Note to reader: I have no idea who Grandpa Eddie is. But I hear he makes a 
mean cobbler. 
 

 
 WHAT STOPS THE FLOW 
While there are many factors to love, the more ‘open’ and ‘authentic’ you are, 
the quicker the love train will pull up to, and stay, at your station. 
 
So, if you want more love in your life, a good question to ask is…Are you being 
100% authentic and 100% open, 100% of the time? 
 
Well it’s tough to exactly measure openness and authenticity, but another 
approach to the question is to ask yourself have you ever: 
 
● Been Judgmental to yourself or others. 
● Tried to get people to like you. 
● Worried what people will think of you. 
● Not shared how you really feel. 
● Not been fully honest. 
● Protected yourself. 
● Waited until it’s “safe” before really opening up. 
 
If you have answered yes to any of these: a) you are human b) these are 
examples of you not being fully open and authentic. 
 
So, since being open and authentic gets you connection, and you want 
connection, then a good question to ask is… 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
Why are you not always fully open and authentic? 
 
____________________
 
Okay, so I will tell you why I think you are not fully open and authentic. 
 
It’s a pretty weird and a futuristic concept. 
 
And just to keep things simple I won’t use the Latin spelling. 
 
Okay here it is…perhaps you’ve heard of it. 
 
The thing that most keeps us from love is… 
 
  
 
Taa Daaaaaa. 
 
That’s it…Good old fashioned…FEAR. 
 
Pretty fancy right? 
 
If you are feeling fear, you aren’t going to want to be open. 
 
If you are feeling fear, you aren’t going to want to be authentic.  
 
So, if you are feeling fear, you can’t pull off the two things that lead to love. 
 
So, fear, is definitely what keeps us from love. 
 
Now, I know this seems obvious, and in many ways, it is. But when people talk 
about love, and their love lives, and they explain why things aren’t going 
well…what percentage of the time does somebody mention fear? How many 
times has somebody said “You know why I’m single? Because I am scared to 
death.” 
 
And even though fear, is a huge part of our love lives, I have never seen any 
magazine covers that look like t​ his. 
  
 
 
Even though fear is the obvious #1 culprit, people blame their love and 
relationship problems on:  
 
● their cities 
● their age 
● their weight 
● their height 
● their generation 
● their hairline 
● the men 
● the women 
● their partners.  
● their pimples. 
 
And I am sure a few more you can think of. 
 
One reason people blame things other than fear, is because people don’t want 
to admit the fear. Our egos like to tell ourselves we are these smart, capable, 
totally together people. To say we are terrified goes against that and doesn’t 
feel good. 
 
And if we admitted we are afraid, then we’d have to face the fear. Which means 
we’d be uncomfortable. And nobody wants to do that. Or we’d have to face 
what is the deeper issue causing the fear and many people are too scared to 
look within.  
 
Also, if we admitted we are afraid, then we’d have to deal with the fear. And 
who knows how long that might take? And is getting rid of fear even possible? 
 
So even though we deep down know the issue is on the inside, it’s just more 
comfortable and convenient and comforting to tell ourselves the problem is on 
the outside.  
 
For the longest time, I could blame with the best of them. I was ​always 
complaining about how women were the problem.  
 
But looking back, with a much more responsible filter, I can see very clearly, it 
had nothing to do with the women. It had to do with me being afraid.  
 
Please understand, I am not saying all those other factors don’t make things a 
bit tougher. I get that there are things in this world that make love challenging. I 
get that people aren’t always good and kind and we live in a world where 
connection is tough. That is true. You aren’t imagining that.  
 
But there is a difference between outside forces making love challenging, and 
outside forces making love not happen at all. Outside forces can slow love 
down, but it can’t stop it. Because love is nature. 
 
Just like flowers want to bloom and rain wants to fall, love ​wants t​ o happen. It’s 
nature. And nature will happen on its own, as long as nothing gets in the way.  
 
And so, if love isn’t happening, then something must be getting in the way. 
 
And that something is…​fear. 
 
I had a client, Evelyn, who came to me. She was fifty years old and claimed 
scientifically​ that men weren’t interested in a woman her age. She even had 
statistics and articles to prove it.  
 
So, I worked her for three months, addressing the fear. About three months after 
she stopped working with me, I received an e-mail from her saying “Daniel, I am 
not sure what’s going on here. Maybe spring is in the air. But good men are 
popping up everywhere.” 
 
 
 ____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
The only thing that keeps us from love…is fear.* 
 
*Yes the ONLY thing. 
 
____________________ 
 
 

 
 WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF? 
As a coach, I constantly have clients coming to me with these seemingly 
elaborate and complicated situations where they are sure the sky is falling and 
they have no idea what is going on. 99.9% of the time though, they are just 
afraid. 
 
And it’s not because my clients aren’t smart, it’s because fear is (spoiler alert) 
SCARY. And we generally don’t go around actively seeking out and connecting 
with what scares us. 
 
But if we don’t look at the fear, our love patterns never change, and we keep 
getting more of the same.  
 
So, if you want to stay comfortable, then avoiding fear is a swell idea. 
 
But if you want more love, avoiding fear is soul suicide. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
Our love lives are fine...It’s our fear lives that we need to look at. 
 
____________________ 
 
So, if we want to improve our love lives (and our whole lives in general) a great 
place to start is to try and reduce the fear.  
 
So, how do we reduce the fear? 
 
Several years ago, I was renting an apartment in New York City. Being from 
California, there was something in the apartment I’d never seen before. A 
radiator. This big hunk of intestinal iron sitting right in the living room. At first 
glance I found the radiator kind of charming and rustic.  
 
That changed quickly, because that night, I woke up to this horrifying sound of 
banging metal. Clank, Clank, Clank. It sounded like drunk Vikings ghosts were 
smashing the hull of the Titanic. I thought “oh my god, the radiator is possessed 
by demons and is going to explode and scald me with boiling, hot, rusty, 
magma water.”  
 
The next morning, kind of groggy from being up all night due to radiator 
demons, I asked my neighbor if they too were freaked out by the sounds of hell 
erupting from the buildings bowels. They calmly said, “Oh that’s just the sound 
of pressure in the pipes. It is totally normal.”  
 
And just like that, anytime I heard the pipes making noise, there was no fear.  
 
Not because anything changed, but simply because now I had understanding. 
 
When I didn’t have understanding, it was the terrifying sounds of water demons. 
When I did have understanding, it was the quaint rumblings of living in The Big 
Apple.  
 
I didn’t exactly like the sound, but having understanding shifted me from fear to 
inconvenience. 
 
And what that experience showed me, was that our fear often doesn’t come 
from the thing, but rather the lack of understanding of the thing. 
 
Have you ever been sick and you didn’t know why? It is kind of scary, isn’t it? But 
then when you find out why you are sick, it’s inconvenient, but it’s not so scary 
anymore. 
 
When a car is making weird noises, it’s kind of scary. Then you find out what is 
making the noise, and it’s still inconvenient, but a lot less scary. 
 
We aren’t afraid of the dark, because the dark is inherently scary. It’s because 
the darkness robs us of understanding of what’s in the room. 
 
And it’s the lack of understanding, not the dark itself, that is scary. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
If you want to make something less scary, just shine a light on it, 
and gain some understanding. 
 
When you understand something, it shifts from scary to merely 
inconvenient. 
 
____________________ 
 
I am not sure if you caught the significance of what I just wrote. But it’s kind of a 
big deal. So, I want to repeat it. 
 
This thing we call love, this thing we all want and are pining for, and struggling 
to get, is being stopped by one thing and one thing only. Fear. 
 
And I just said that we can lower fear, and therefore get more love, not with a 
time machine or alien technology, but simply through u ​ nderstanding​. 
 
Are you kidding me? That means if you want more love, you don’t need to be 
younger, or skinnier, or richer, or move cities, or change partners or rework your 
online dating account for the two-hundredth time. No sir, I am saying that if you 
want more love, all you need is some good old-fashioned u ​ nderstanding​. 
 
John Lennon said “All you need is love.” And Daniel Packard is saying ‘All you 
need is love. ​But​, if you aren’t able to get that love, then all you need is 
understanding​.” I get it’s not as catchy, but more informative. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
If you want more love, don’t lose weight, gain understanding. 
 
____________________ 
 
So, let’s get to it. Let’s get some love-improving understanding up in here. 
 
And to do that, all we have to do is ask the simple question, but often 
overlooked question of, ”What the heck are we so afraid of?” 
 
I mean there are no tigers around anymore, so why are we still freaking out so 
much? 
 
Well there may not be any tigers anymore, but there is something even more 
scary. 
 
You know it well.  
 
This fear has been following you around since middle school. 
 
And that fear is… 
 
the fear of… 
 
(cue the scary organ music) 
 
  
 
 
Say it to yourself…Rejection. Like Anthrax, just saying the word can make you 
tighten up. Rejection has the sound ‘ject’ right in there. Like the fear just gets 
‘injected’ right into you. 
 
And fear of rejection isn’t just scary. It’s everywhere. Fear of rejection is often 
really why we are afraid of most things. 
 
● Fear of being turned down is scary because it feels like you are being 
rejected. 
 
● Fear of being left is scary because it will trigger that fear of being 
rejected. 
 
● Being cheated on is scary because you will feel like they chose somebody 
else, which feels like you were rejected. 
 
● Fear of being judged, is scary because if you are judged, you will not feel 
accepted, which feels like you are rejected. 
 
So, there are lots of fears out there, but if we dig a bit deeper and ask “What are 
we really afraid of?” The answer is often that we ultimately, on some level, are 
afraid of being rejected. 
 
 
 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
A) When it comes to love, think of 3 love fears you have? 
 
B) Can you see that these fears may just really, deep down be a 
fear of rejection? 
 
____________________ 
 
Now if you are connecting with your fear of rejection you will maybe feel tense, 
trapped, anxious, scared, overwhelmed or maybe like you want to eat ice 
cream...etc.  
 
And feeling that yucky rejection feeling will keep you from so many things you 
want in life. 
 
So, the bad news is…that fear or rejection can ruin your whole day and even 
your whole life.  
 
The good news is…that the fear of rejection may not even be as real as you 
think. 
 
See fear is an interesting concept, because we can feel fear, even when there is 
no actual physical threat. Which means just because we f​ eel​ fear, doesn’t mean 
it’s real. 
 
People can be afraid of: 
● Public speaking 
● Change 
● Heights 
● Spiders 
● Starting something new 
● Clowns 
 
Okay, that last one is up for debate. But for the most part, just because people 
feel fear, doesn’t always mean the fear is linked to an actual danger. For the 
longest time, I had a crippling fear of Sharks.* But even when I was in places 
where there were no sharks, I was s​ till​ afraid of sharks. I was so afraid of sharks, 
that as a kid, I wouldn’t go into the deep end of the swimming pool, because I 
was afraid of sharks. Even when I could look down in the water, and see there 
were no sharks, I was still afraid to go in the water. And when I would eventually 
go in the swimming pool, I would get scared to go near the lapping filtration 
door, because I was afraid sharks might be hiding in there. So clearly, just 
because I was f​ eeling​ fear, didn’t mean the fear was ​real​. My fear, was on some 
level, imaginary.  
 
* Full disclosure: I am still afraid to go swimming in the ocean alone. Cuz, you 
know…Sharks.  
 
I have a friend who when she gets around spiders, she freaks out. And she will 
even say to me “I know the spider can’t hurt me, but it doesn’t matter, it still 
scares me to death.” And what she is saying, and what my fear of sharks is 
showing is that:  
 
____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
Just because a fear feels real, doesn’t mean it is real. 
 
____________________ 
 
So, before we let the fear of rejection cause any more problems, let’s just 
double check and make sure the fear of rejection is real to begin with. 
 
So, let’s first just ask the question, “What is rejection?” 
 
Well if you are like most people, you will say something like ‘When somebody 
left me’ or ‘When somebody turned me down’ or ‘When somebody didn’t love 
me back.’  
 
​ hose are examples of situations that were 
But that is not what rejection i​ s. T
happening when you ​felt​ rejection. But it doesn’t explain what rejection i​ s. 
 
For instance, if I ask ‘What is thunder?’ And somebody says ‘It’s what I hear 
when there is lighting.’ True. But that is describing what is going on when you 
hear​ thunder. But it doesn’t explain what thunder i​ s. ​The answer to the question 
‘What is thunder?’ is to say ‘Thunder is an explosion of air, created by lighting.’  
 
So, that answers the question of ‘What is thunder?’ So, then let’s go back to our 
original question. ‘What is ‘rejection?’ 
 
Really think about it.  
 
 
 
 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
What is rejection? 
 
____________________ 
 
Well, in all the years I have asked people this question, nobody (out of 
thousands) has accurately answered the question. Everybody mentions what 
brings ​on​ rejection, or what was going on when they ​felt​ rejection, but nobody 
can explain what rejection ​is​. 
 
And from an investigative perspective, this is very interesting for two reasons. 
Reason number one is that we have this thing we call rejection, this thing that is 
keeping everybody from their soul’s desire, and nobody can even define what 
the heck it is. Interesting, no? 
 
And the second reason this is interesting, is that generally when people talk 
about something, they can often define what that something is. For instance, 
people talk about cars. And if you ask somebody ‘What is a car?’ Most people 
can say something like ‘A car is that thing with four wheels and an engine, and it 
moves people around.’ So, generally speaking, it is beneficial and efficient, that 
if you are going to talk about something, that something should also be able to 
be define somewhat.  
 
So, the fact that people talk about rejection, but can’t define it, doesn’t add up. 
And the fact that it doesn’t add up, means that we have a…wait for 
it...​inconsistency. 
 
And if we have an inconsistency, it means there is a blind spot hiding 
underneath. What is that blind spot exactly? You will find out in a bit. But for 
now, just know we have an inconsistency. And to find the blind spot, we need a 
deeper level of understanding. 
 
And part of that deeper level of understanding is to understand that rejection 
isn’t any o​ ne​ thing. It’s ​two​ things…coming together. 
The first part of rejection is that generally, almost always, somebody is 
communicating some form of a ‘no,’ that you don’t want. 
   
 ____________________ 
 
 
DANIEL PACKARD’S HIGHLY SIMPLIFIED GUIDE TO WHAT WILL 
FEEL LIKE REJECTION 
 
You​: I want to spend time with you, do you want to spend time 
with me? 
Them​: No 
 
You​: Hey I like you, do you like me back? 
Them​: No 
 
You​: Do you love me, the way I love you? 
Them​: No 
 
You​: Hey, I just showed you the real me, what do you think? 
Them​: Ummmm…No 
 
And if anybody has ever broken up with you or left you or cheated 
on you, on some level it feels like a big old form of…No. 
 
____________________ 
 
If you have experienced a situation that looks like any of the above examples, 
then it probably, on some level, felt like rejection. And that’s because, even 
though rejection takes many shapes and forms, at its core, rejection is 
comprised of two parts. And the first part is getting a ‘no.’  
 
____________________ 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
Rejection is made of two parts. Part number one is getting a ‘no.’ 
 
____________________ 
 
And that ‘no’ can pack one heck of a wallop. 
 
Years ago, the idea of trying to kiss a woman for the first time, and her giving 
me a ‘no,’ was crippling scary. As a public speaker, I could talk in front of 
thousands of people, no problem. But the idea of planting that first kiss, and 
getting a ‘no,’ was so scary, I’d almost vomit. 
 
 
 ____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
Vomiting, while trying to kiss somebody, can be a real mood 
breaker. 
 
____________________ 
 
And I have a friend who plays professional football and gets chased by huge 
men trying to smash him, and loves it. But asking a small cheerleader on a date, 
where he might get a ‘no,’ makes him so afraid he crumbles like sugar cubes in 
hot water. 
 
But these two examples of how a ‘no’ can be petrifying, reveals two more 
inconsistencies. Inconsistency number one, is noticing that getting a ‘no’ 
shouldn’t logically create such soul-questioning fear. It is just a ‘no.’ A ‘no’ has 
never hurt anybody. Nobody has ever been maimed from a ‘no.’ The census has 
no measurement of ‘no’ related deaths or injuries on record. 
 
So, inconsistency number one is noticing that sometimes getting a ‘no’ is much 
scarier than it logically should. And inconsistency number two, is that not every 
‘no’ is scary. 
 
For instance, if you’re at the grocery store and you ask if they have plastic bags 
and they say ‘no’, you don’t fall in a puddle crying and say, “I feel so rejected. I 
will just carry my oranges in my sad, pathetic arms.” 
 
If you are at a dinner party and tell a joke and nobody laughs, they are 
essentially saying ‘no.’ But you don’t crawl under the table and say “I will never 
try to be funny again. I devote my life to mime.” 
 
If you check to see if you have the right blood type to donate a kidney, and the 
doctor says ‘no’, you don’t start crying in front of the doctor saying “Why don’t 
you love me as I am?’ 
 
So, the above examples all have a ‘no’ in them, but none of them create a huge 
sense of fear. Why? Well because these don’t have anything to do with love. 
 
Away from love, we get told no all the time and generally just keep going. In 
fact, being human is full of no’s. On some level, we enjoy challenges, things that 
tell us ‘no,’ just so we can push harder and overcome them. The possibility of a 
‘no’ gives us an opportunity to strive and grow and change that ‘no’ to a ‘yes.’ 
On some level, we like no’s because a life without ‘no’ would be boring.  
 
But that creates another inconsistency. Which is that… 
 
● Getting told ‘no’ away from love is generally okay. 
● Getting told ‘no’ around love is definitely n ​ ot​ okay. 
 
So, with that inconsistency, we need to dig deeper and ask:  
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
Why are all no’s not created equal? 
 
____________________ 
 
 
CLIENT SESSION WITH PETER 
 
Peter​: There is a woman I know through friends that I really like. And every time I 
am with her, I want to ask her out, and then I just freeze up. 
Daniel​: Why are you freezing up? 
Peter​: I’m afraid she is going to reject me. 
Daniel​: Why? 
Peter​: It feels horrible 
Daniel​: What is it about ‘rejection’ that makes it feel so horrible? 
Peter​: I guess if she says ‘no.’ 
Daniel​: So ‘rejection’ is when you get a ‘no?’ 
Peter​: That’s how it feels. 
Daniel​: Well see if that is true. 
 
Daniel​: So, let’s say, hypothetically, your company goes under and you apply for 
another sales job. And the potential new company interviews you and basically 
says ‘no.’ Do you feel rejected? 
Peter​: No. Not really. 
Daniel​: Why? 
Peter​: It’s just business. I wasn’t the right fit for them. 
Daniel​: So why do you think the ‘no’ from the company feels like just a ‘no,’ but 
the ‘no’ from the woman, feels like rejection? 
Peter​: I guess I take the ‘no’ from the woman more personally. 
Daniel​: What do you mean you take the ‘no’ personally? 
Peter​: I don’t know. It’s like if she says ‘no,’ I feel bad about myself. 
Daniel​: So, the ‘no’ makes you feel bad about yourself 
Peter​: Yeah 
Daniel​: So, rejection isn’t technically just a ‘no,’ it’s a ‘no’ where you end up 
feeling bad about yourself. 
Peter​: Yeah. 
Daniel​: And why does the ‘no’ make you feel bad about yourself? 
Peter​: I take it personally. 
Daniel​: And what does that mean to ‘take something personally?’ 
Peter​: It’s like I make it mean something about me. 
Daniel​: So, you are saying that getting a ‘no’ isn’t inherently rejection. But that 
you get a ‘no,’ and you put a meaning on that ‘no.’ And it’s that m ​ eaning​ you 
put on the ‘no’ that somehow makes it feel like scary rejection? 
Peter​: Yeah. Exactly.  
Daniel​: So, you aren’t afraid of her saying ‘no,’ you are afraid of the m ​ eaning​ you 
are putting on the ‘no.’ 
Peter​: True 
Daniel​: Well that’s kind of good news. Because sometimes people will say ‘no.’ 
That is just part of life. You can’t stop that. And if a ‘no’ feels like scary rejection, 
and you never know when a ‘no’ is going to show up, then you will constantly 
have fear. And since fear keeps us from love, the fear of a ‘no,’ will keep you 
from love. True? 
Peter​: True 
Daniel​: ​But, ​it seems like you aren’t actually afraid of the ‘no,’ but the meaning 
you put on it. So, if we can look at that meaning and lower the fear around that 
meaning, then even if you get a ‘no’ from people, you won’t be so afraid it. 
True? 
Peter​: True 
Daniel​: So, if we can look at that meaning, and make it less scary, then you won’t 
be so afraid of rejection. And then you will naturally be authentic and open, and 
that connection with another person can start to grow. Does that sound good? 
Peter​: It does 
Daniel​: And long term, if you aren’t so afraid of rejection, once you find 
somebody you like, you can s​ tay o ​ pen and authentic with them, so that will 
deepen and widen over time. Creating real, lasting intimacy. Does that sound 
good? 
Peter​: I would love that. 
Daniel​: Heck yeah you would. So, do you want to find out what the meaning is, 
and make it less scary, so you are less afraid of rejection, and you change the 
entire trajectory of your love life? 
Peter​: Ummmm yes please. 
 
END OF SESSION 
 
 
 
 
 
____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
Rejection isn’t getting a ‘no.’ 
 
Rejection is getting a ‘no’ and then putting a meaning on it. 
 
____________________ 
 
So, earlier I said that rejection is made of two parts. Part number one is the ‘no.’ 
And part number two is the meaning we p ​ ut​ on the ‘no.’  
 
And it’s the second part, the meaning​ w ​ e put on the ‘no,’​ t​ hat takes a regular, 
harmless, garden variety ‘no’ and turns it into chest-tightening ‘rejection.’ So, if 
we lower the fear around the meaning, then we automatically lower the fear of 
rejection. 
 
It’s like saying, we aren’t afraid of sharks, so much as that we are afraid of the 
jaws​ of the shark. And if we could somehow, make the jaws less scary, then 
sharks would be less scary. 
 
So, what do you think? Do you want to look at that scary meaning, and see if we 
can make it less scary? So, you can be less afraid of the jaws of rejection, and 
more likely to enjoy swimming in the warm, blue waters of love. 
 

 
 THE MEANING 
To help answer that question, let me introduce you to a fine fellow, my father, 
Richard Erwin Packard. 
 

 
Here is a photo him and my wonderful mother Roseanne, up in Alaska. 
 
Amongst being an avid yachtsman, he is also a physicist. He was first known for 
being the first person to photograph certain properties (perpetually spinning, 
frictionless vortices) of ultra-low temperature, superconducting Liquid Helium 
3…Duuuuh. 
 
And I know you’re thinking “Daniel, your ‘pops’ is a physicist? He must be 
thrilled you have devoted your life to love.” More on that later. 
 
Now Richard Erwin Packard was a good dad. He was always there for me. He 
provided for me. I could always rely on him. Logistically, he really showed up. 
Emotionally though, he just wasn’t one of those “I love you, I’m proud of you” 
kind of dads. But as a kid, I felt like dads are supposed to show their love by 
saying those things. And since he wasn’t doing it, I started to worry that there 
was something wrong. So, I decided to run for class president. Jewish parent 
crack cocaine. I figured, I would run for president, I would win, I would tell my 
dad, he would say he’s proud of me, and then I’d know he loved me, and that 
would be that.  
 
So, I ran for class president and won. Phase one complete. And on the way 
home, I was feeling so smug with my two-tone pink and grey Vans (pink was very 
Avant-guard for a kid my age) and my Member’s Only jacket, and I was thinking 
to myself, “Oh man, this is going to be good. I am going to tell him I am class 
president and he is going to say he is so proud of me. I will know he loves me, 
and I can move on, happily ever after. Done.” (Cue the credits.) 
 
I enter the house, see him in the living room, walk right up to him, and with this 
big poop-eating grin on my face say to him proudly “Guess who is class 
preeeeeeesident?” He paused, and said….  
 
“Well…just don’t let it interfere with your homework.”  
 
Insert sympathy here. 
 
This was not in the script. I was supposed to win class president. He was 
supposed to say “I’m so proud of you.” I’d know he loved me. Case closed. 
Move on. But he didn’t say what he was supposed to say, so I start worrying that 
maybe this guy doesn’t love me. 
 
So now I am feeling desperate, and decide I am going to get this guy to show 
some emotion if it kills me. So, I go into my room and start crying. Because how 
can a father ignore a crying child. So, I start crying. Crying like my little life 
depended on it. And I’m going for it. Remember when we were kids and we’d 
cry so hard we’d start to almost hyperventilate? That was me. I even managed to 
conjure up one of those snot bubbles, just for dramatic effect. Meryl Streep had 
nothing on me. 
 
I walked out of my room and I see him at the top of the stairs. And I am at the 
bottom of the stairs. And I look up at him, crying and slobbering, and as 
pathetically and emotion-inducing-ly as possible say to him, “Why can’t you just 
tell me you are proud of me?” He paused…and said… 
 
“It’s not my job to tell you when I’m proud of you, it’s my job to tell you when 
you mess up.”  
 
OUCH 
 
Insert double sympathy here. 
 
What was going on? Dads are supposed to say loving, emotional things, and 
this wasn’t happening. This is so far from what reality should be, I couldn’t 
process it. Something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. 
 
Was it him or was it me? 
 
Well at that age I put my dad on a pedestal and figured he didn’t have flaws. 
 
So, if it’s not his fault, then it must be my fault. I decided that whatever was 
going on, was my fault. Like somehow I deserved it.  
 
So, to make it my fault, I made up something that hadn’t existed in me before. I 
made up the idea that I wasn’t getting his love because…I wasn’t ‘good 
enough.’ 
 
Remember when Darren asked me “Where did you learn you weren’t a ten out 
of ten?” Well, at that moment, at the bottom of the stairs, scared and confused 
with my dad…that’s where. 
 
Can you relate? 
 
Can you remember a situation or dynamic from growing up where something 
happened and you left the situation thinking it meant something about you? 
Maybe it was your fault, or you deserved it, or you weren’t loveable, or like me, 
you weren’t ‘enough.’  
 
Ponder Point: Can you remember where you learned you weren’t a ten out of 
ten? 
 
● Maybe a parent did or said something. 
● Maybe an adult did or said something to you. 
● Maybe your parents fought a lot or divorced. 
● Maybe you were bullied or teased. 
● Maybe a brother or sister wasn’t kind to you. 
● Maybe a friend betrayed you. 
● Maybe your parents didn’t protect you from something. 
 
 
If you need help, it looks a little something like this.  
 
  
 
It doesn’t have to make sense; it just must have made sense to a younger you. 
 
And if you can’t think of a situation, almost everybody has one, so keep thinking. 
Even if it’s painful to think about, just push yourself a bit to remember anything 
that happened where you made it mean something negative about yourself, 
that is was somehow your fault. 
 
And it doesn’t have to be something intense or traumatic, it can be something 
small. Or maybe instead of one big experience, it’s a string of little ones. 
 
Or it could have been something good. Growing up, a friend of mine was really 
good at sports. And because of that, he received all sorts of attention and praise 
from his parents. But his parents only praised him for his sports, not anything 
about the rest of him. And so he made up that praise was equal to love. And so 
if he was only getting love for sports, then the rest of him must not be loveable. 
 
And if you can’t think of any experience(s), that’s okay. It helps, but it’s not 
necessary. 
 
 

 
 OTHER FORMS 
The concept of ‘enough/not enough’ is at the core of this book, so before we go 
on, I want to make sure we are all on the same page. I believe the concept of 
‘not enough’ is swimming around in most people’s subconscious.  
 
Some people are already aware of that, and will even say, “I am afraid I am not 
‘enough.’  
 
Some people don’t use that word specifically. They might use ‘insecure.’ But 
‘insecure’ means ‘not secure.’ And if you dig deeper, eventually you will find the 
thing they are not secure in, which is whether they are ‘enough’ as is.  
 
Or some people describe themselves as ‘un-loveable,’ but that is just code for 
saying, “I am not ‘enough’ to be loved”  
 
Or sometimes people say, “I have low self-esteem”, or, “I am afraid there is 
something wrong with me”, or, “I’m broken”, or, “I’m bad”, or, “I am not 
‘worthy’ of love.”  
 
All of these are just different ways for conveying the concept that you are 
somehow lacking something. And I am saying the thing you think you are 
lacking is because you think that you aren’t ‘enough.’ 
 
And maybe you don’t have the words to articulate the concept, but if any part of 
you, has ever felt that to be:  
 
● Liked  
● Loved 
● Accepted 
 
You chose to think you had to: 
● Adjust who you are 
● Be more than who you are 
● Be less than who you are 
● Censor who you are 
 
Or improve/highlight your: 
● Appearance 
● Abilities 
● Possessions 
● Accomplishments 
● ...etc.  
 
Then I am saying the reason you are doing that, is because deep down you 
don’t feel ‘enough’ as is, and so you are adjusting and compensating. 
 
If you have any kind of self-doubt, you can use whatever word or concept most 
resonates with you. But for this book, and my following books, I am using the 
words ‘not enough.’ 
 
NOT ENOUGH CIRCUITRY 
 
Now we generally don’t walk around and think to ourselves “I would be myself, 
but I am afraid they will show me that I’m not ‘enough.’” But that’s not because 
it’s not there, but because ‘not enough’ is generally running in the subconscious. 
So, you may not see it, but it’s there, and you shouldn’t take it lightly. 
 
Because all fears are not created equal. The fear that my car may get dented is 
like a 2. The fear that I’m ‘not enough’ is like a…I don’t even want to talk about 
it, it’s so scary.  
 
Part of why the ‘not enough’ fear is so scary is because we have primitive wiring 
in us that says, if you aren’t ‘enough’ to be loved, your parents will leave, and 
you will be killed or starved. So ‘not enough’ on some level triggers this 
primitive fear that you are going to die. And that is why, like C-4 explosives, 
even a tiny bit of ‘not enough’ is enough to take you out cold. 
 
If Marvel Comics wanted to make a really scary super villain, they should just 
have created Dr. Not Enough. Let’s see Spider-Man swing from tall buildings 
when he is freaked out he is not enough to be loved. When it’s time to spray his 
Web, he is going to have performance anxiety. 

Maybe that was what Kryptonite is? A box full of stuff that made Super Man feel 
‘not enough.’ 
 
Another reason ‘not enough’ acts like human kryptonite (since it’s a primitive 
survival-based fear) is linked to your fight or flight mechanism, which is linked up 
to your body. So, when your ‘not-enough-ness’ gets triggered, you don’t just 
think it, you feel it. Sometimes ‘not enough’ will trigger your ‘flight’ mode and 
you will feel fear. i.e. scared, nervous, anxious, petrified. Or sometimes it will 
trigger your ‘fight’ mode and you will feel anger i.e. judgmental, frustrated, 
angry, defensive, pissed-off.  
 
So not ‘enough’ is linked to our feelings, and we tend to do what our feelings 
tell us to do. So ‘not enough’ is scary, influential and invisible. It’s like a fusion 
between a ninja, The Mafia and Hannibal Lecter. So, don’t take it lightly. 
 
Note: If you still think you are completely enough, and love everything about 
yourself and have no self-doubt whatsoever then either A) You are not looking 
close enough or B) I should be reading ​your​ book. 
 
Now I have known I was insecure since, I don’t know…birth. To make sure the 
nurses liked me, I probably came out of the womb with Target gift cards. And 
most people will acknowledge they are insecure on some level. But not 
everybody.  
 
 
CLIENT SESSION WITH EMILY 
 
Emily​: So, I had a question about something. It’s not love related though, is that 
okay? 
Daniel​: Well generally everything is connected, so even if it’s not about love, it 
will end up being about that. 
Emily​: Okay, well I have been noticing this trend where I tend to exaggerate the 
truth a bit. And my friends have been pointing it out. And I was wondering what 
is that all about? 
Daniel​: Well what do you think it’s about? 
Emily​: I mean I don’t know. My friend told me she does the same thing because 
she is insecure. But I’m not insecure. So, I think maybe I do it because it makes 
the story better. 
Daniel​: You don’t think you are insecure? 
Emily​: No. 
 
Daniel​: Okay, so let’s say that it’s true, that exaggerating makes the story better. 
But technically an exaggeration is a little lie, right?  
Emily​: A white lie. Nobody gets hurt. 
Daniel​: Right, but it’s still a lie. And generally, we only lie if we get something 
out of it. So, let’s say you tell the little lie. The story is better and everybody 
says, “Emily you tell the best stories.” Why do you like that? 
Emily​: I feel like they like me more. 
Daniel​: And why is that important to you? 
Emily​: Well I want them to like me. 
Daniel​: Want or need? 
Emily​: What is the difference? 
Daniel​: Want is like, I want chocolate ice cream. It would be nice to have it. But 
need, means, if I don’t get it, I don’t feel so good. 
Emily​: Oh, it’s a need. 
Daniel​: Yea, imagine if you told a regular, boring story, and nobody liked it, how 
does that feel to you? 
Emily​: Not good at all. 
Daniel​: So why do you think sometimes you need to be liked? 
Emily​: I don’t know. I’ve always been like that. 
 
Daniel​: Do you know somebody or can you think of somebody that doesn’t 
really care if people like them or not? 
Emily​: Yeah, my friend Robin is like that. 
Daniel​: And if you had to guess, what is it about Robin that makes her the type 
that doesn’t care if people like her or not? 
Emily​: She is just very confident in herself. 
Daniel​: So, if confident people don’t care what other people think, what does 
that means about people that do care? 
Emily​: That they aren’t as confident. 
Daniel​: So, if they aren’t completely confident, then what do we call that?  
Emily​: Not confident? 
Daniel​: Close. 
Emily​: Unconfident? 
Daniel​: It’s funny, you are right there, but you are trying not to see it. So, let me 
ask you this way. What is a word that is the opposite of confident, that you 
probably don’t want to admit you are? 
Emily​: Ooooh…insecure. 
Daniel​: Yup. 
Emily​. Hmmmmm. Yeah I guess that makes sense when you lay it all out like 
that. 
Daniel​: That’s all I do. Just lay it out.  
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
What things do you do, based on the fear of feeling ‘not enough?’ 
 
____________________ 
 
Emily​: That’ weird, I just don’t see myself as insecure.  
Daniel​: Why not? 
Emily​: I think I’m attractive for my age and I am very good at what I do. I own my 
own home. And lots of people are insecure about public speaking, but that 
doesn’t scare me at all. 
Daniel​: Well, that is good that you appreciate those parts of yourself. But do you 
notice anything similar about all the things you listed?  
Emily​: Well they are based around work and money. 
Daniel​: Yeah, in fact I would go in a little more philosophically and say they are 
all things that exist in your external world. Which is great.  
I am sure lots of people would like to have that much confidence in the external 
world. But feeling good about the external doesn’t automatically carry over to 
the internal.  
Emily​: I guess I thought if I could accomplish all these things on the outside, 
everything would work out. 
Daniel​: Well our culture is kind of based on that belief, and I wish that were the 
case. It would make things a lot easier. But internal and external are totally 
separate circuits. That is why you see very externally successful people, but their 
lives can be train wrecks.  
Emily​: Yeah you do see that. 
 
Emily​: But I don’t hate myself. I like myself. 
Daniel​: I am sure you do, and that’s great. It’s not an all or nothing scale. But 
you were saying you weren’t insecure at all, and it turns out you are a bit.  
Emily​: That’s true. 
Daniel​: And it’s not good or bad, but we can’t transform your insecurities, if you 
don’t even think they are there.  
 
Emily​: Well how could you tell? Is it that obvious that I’m insecure? 
Daniel​: I mean I think almost everybody is. So, when you said emphatically that 
you weren’t, you are either Jesus or you just need to reflect a bit more. Also, 
when people strongly deny things, it often means they are that, they just don’t 
want to admit it. For instance, if somebody emphatically says “I am totally not 
the kind to have a one- night stand.” I think to myself “Really, then why are you 
bringing it up?” 
Emily​: Yeah I say that to guys all the time. Oops. Do you think they know? 
Daniel​: Do you have a lot of one-night stands? 
Emily​: Enough. 
Daniel​: Then I’m going to take a huge gamble and say ‘yes.’ 
 
END OF SESSION 
 
 
Emily didn’t know she was insecure, not because she isn’t smart, but because 
most of the belief of ‘not enough’ is subconscious and hangs in the shadows. 
So, like Emily, you may not be fully aware of just how much it is participating in 
your life. It’s like SUPER PAC money. You can’t track it in the open, but it’s there, 
often calling the shots from behind the scenes. 
 
Your heart is like the citizens of your country; well-meaning, democratic, but 
unorganized. Fear is like big business; sneaky, selfish and has a lot of lobbyists 
secretly swaying your decisions. 
 
So, the key is to begin to notice who is calling the shots in your emotional 
congress. Then you can ferret out these hidden fear lobbyists that are hijacking 
your democracy. And then take action to elect thoughts that truly represent your 
authentic love-driven heart and not your corrupt fear-driven mind. 
 
Until then, don’t be surprised as Not Enough Corp. keeps polluting your river 
with millions of gallons of Tetra-not-enough-ness, and three headed fish keep 
showing up on your emotional beaches. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
The more you connect with your ‘notenoughness,’ the more this 
book can help. 
 
So, take a moment and just think of all the places you feel ‘not 
enough’ and how they affect your life. 
 
Note: I am fully aware this will not be fun. But the more you can 
see ‘notenoughness’ keeps you from what you want in life, the 
more motivation you have to address it. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER 3 

THE CARNIVAL 
 
   
I’M NOT BROKEN 
 
Now I bet you’re thinking “Wow, thanks Daniel for reminding me that my soul is 
contaminated with emotional asbestos and Fracking run off. You should really 
have made this a children’s book first.” 
 
Fear not, I wouldn’t bring you all this way just to remind you that you have low 
self-esteem.  
 
Remember inconsistencies point to a hidden truth. So, if we can find an 
inconsistency around the belief of being ‘not enough’, then we can get a break 
in the case. 
 
Here is that break. 
 
This is from a conversation I had while talking to one of my teachers many years 
ago. 
 
Daniel​: So, I wanted to ask a woman to coffee, but right before the words came 
out of my mouth, I got that nervous feeling. 
Ruth​: And what is the ‘fear?’ 
Daniel​: That she judges me.  
Ruth​: So, let’s say she does judge you, what does that mean about you? 
Daniel​: It brings up this feeling of being ‘broken.’ 
Ruth​: What do you mean ‘broken?’ 
Daniel​: That there is something wrong with me.  
Ruth​: And why do you think that? 
Daniel​: I mean I just always thought I’d have love, and it has been so hard to find 
it. So, I just figure there is something wrong with me. 
Ruth​: Well I get that it hasn’t been easy, but there might be lots of reasons for 
that. So how did you come up with it that you are ‘broken?’ 
Daniel​: I don’t know what else it could be. 
Ruth​: I mean I could think of many things that explain it. Love is complicated and 
difficult. I struggle with love, but it’s not because I’m ‘broken,’ it’s because it’s 
just tough and I have limitations. But there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just 
human.  
Daniel​: Intellectually I get it. But it’s not going in. 
Ruth​: So, what if you just accept that love is not always going to go the way you 
want, and you may never know why. But that is just because that is the way life 
is, not because you are ‘broken.’  
Daniel​: Oh, I think something just clicked. 
Ruth​: Tell me. 
Daniel​: That last part you said, ‘that I may never know why.’  
Ruth​: Yes. 
Daniel​: I don’t like to feel like I don’t know. And being ‘broken’ makes me feel 
like I ‘know.’ But if I could be okay not knowing, then I don’t have to make up 
“I’m broken.” 
Ruth​: Right. Needing to ‘know’ can be dangerous.  
Daniel​: Yeah, if I could just see that love is just some unexplainable dance. Or 
maybe I am messing up the dance steps sometimes and can learn to dance 
better. I wouldn’t know, and that’s no fun, but it’s better than having to know 
and then come up with something as violent as “I’m broken.” It’s so dramatic 
and final. No wonder I’m scared all the time.  
 
Once it clicked, it seemed so obvious. But when you can’t see it (a blind spot) a 
realization like that is not a light bulb moment, it’s a whole fireworks show. 
 
All of these separate pieces just fell into place. 
 
The reason I came up with ‘not enough’ and ‘broken’ isn’t because it’s true, it’s 
because I couldn’t handle not knowing. So, to help me cope, I just installed this 
‘not enough’ windshield into my psyche and then started just driving through 
life.  
 
And it’s hard to get rid of ‘not enough’ when everything you see passes through 
that ‘not enough’ windshield.  
 
But fifteen years after Darren and Pippa first cracked my windshield, Ruth helped 
it finally shatter and fly off. And for the first time in a long time, I could finally see 
myself clearly and truly. And what I saw more clearly than ever is the beautiful 
truth that there is nothing wrong with me.  

 
 HE CAN’T 
When Darren first asked me “Where did you learn you weren’t a ten out of ten,” 
I wasn’t self-aware enough to begin to answer that question. I just figured my 
dad acted that way because I was ‘not enough’ and there was not much more to 
discuss. But after that conversation with Ruth, where I could finally see there is in 
fact nothing wrong with me, I was finally curious to really look at Darren’s 
question again.  
 
I thought the reason my dad acted that way was because I was ‘not enough’ and 
not a ‘ten out of ten.’ But if it turns out that I just made all that up, then it begs 
the question, “why did my dad act that way?” 
 
Well with a new inconsistency (there is nothing actually wrong with me) to work 
with, I now knew where to focus my awareness and curiosity. 
 
I realized ‘I am broken’ is just a fancy permutation of feeling ‘not enough.’ And 
‘not enough’ was what I told myself when my dad didn’t say he was proud of 
me.  
 
So, the first question to ask, the first place to recheck my math is...is the real 
reason my dad didn’t say he was proud of me because I wasn’t ‘enough?’  
 
When I was twenty-five, I booked a gig performing comedy in Dubai. And I bet 
when you just read Dubai, a little part of you thought Dubai! Because it’s one of 
those places that when you hear it, you think “Oh my, how exotic.” It’s like 
Kilimanjaro or Kathmandu. You hear it and you can’t help but want to comment 
on it. So, one day, my dad asked me where I was performing next. And I said 
“Dubai” and he said “Well, don’t tell em’ you’re a Jew.”  
 
I thought to myself “Really Dad? I can understand Phoenix or Des Moines. But I 
just said ‘Comedy in Dubai. That should have gotten me something. So, I ask 
you dear reader, don’t you think ‘Comedy in Dubai’ deserves a little 
acknowledgment? And the answer is ‘yes,’ I should have gotten some 
acknowledgment. But I didn’t. Why? 
 
And when I was thirty he asked me how I was doing. And I said “Really, well, I 
met this amazing woman, who treats me really well, and for the first time in my 
life I know what it’s like to have a good woman who treats me right.” And he 
looked at me and said, “Well…make sure she can swim.”  
 
This one really floored me. I mean the comment about Dubai, he wasn’t praising 
me, but at least I am Jewish and there could be a threat. It made some sense. 
But when I brought up love, and he said “Make sure she can swim.” It made no 
sense. It’s not like he said “Hey, I once loved a woman very much, and she 
drowned…make sure she can swim.” No just…boom, “Make sure she can 
swim.” This didn’t seem like advanced level communication. All I needed was a 
simple ‘Hey, I’m happy for you.’ Or even a slightly awkward ‘That’s so nice.’ But 
“Make sure she can swim?!?” I mean is it too much to ask for his response to at 
least be on the same topic? And the answer is no, it isn’t too much to ask. But 
apparently, it was. Why? 
 
After the conversation with Ruth, I wasn’t just frustratingly asking why? I really 
wanted to know ‘why?’ So, I told my mom all these stories of how I wasn’t 
getting any heartfelt acknowledgement and asked her “Why?” And she told me. 
And the reason is…are you ready for this super complex reason? She said… “He 
can’t.”  
 
I said “What do you mean he can’t” She said “He is just like that. He has trouble 
expressing emotion and acknowledgment. He loves me very much and he does 
it with me too. He loves you very much. Don’t even worry about it.”  
 
No of course not. I would never worry about something so insignificant. Pfft. I 
am like so over it. That is so three seconds ago. 
 
a) It’s a little irritating she didn’t tell me say…THIRTY years ago. 
b) This was the hidden truth I was looking for.  
 
But remember, we don’t always want to see the truth. Part of me wanted to stay 
in my old victim story, so I told myself that my mom is just saying that to make 
me feel better. But the Universe made sure I got the message again, because a 
month later I was at a family function and my cousin came up to me and said, 
“Your dad told us how proud of you he is.” And I did this cartoonish double 
take “My dad?!? My dad, the physicist, my dad? And they say “Oh yeah, he tells 
us all the time.” And I am thinking “All the time? Really? Then why doesn’t he 
tell me himself?” And then I remembered…He can’t. 
 
Now no matter how much I told myself, he can’t, my old deep wiring was still 
telling me it must have been my fault a little. Until one time he and I were 
watching the movie ‘Ray’ about the incredible life of Ray Charles. This is an 
inspiring movie about a truly great man that excelled in music, business, human 
spirit, and vision. As the movie ends, and the credits start to roll, my heart is 
swelling with appreciation and respect for this great artist and human being. My 
dad however turns to me and says…. “I don’t get what the big deal is?”  
 
I finally saw it. If my dad can’t say something nice about a blind man from the 
South, who goes on to redefine music and the music industry, it’s not because 
Ray Charles didn’t deserve it. It’s because he…can’t.  
 
And then I remembered this memory from my Bar Mitzvah (my original speaking 
gig). He started to read his speech about me, but then became so choked up, 
he handed the script to my mom and had her read it. At the time, I remembered 
thinking “Why is he not reading it himself?” And now I get it. He…can’t. 
 
So, when I won class president and he didn’t express how proud of me he was, 
it’s not because he wasn’t, it’s because…he can’t. And he doesn’t say he loves 
me, not because he doesn’t, but because…he can’t.  
 
Now normally when I hear about somebody’s limitations, I feel deep empathy. 
But when I finally understood my dad can’t express emotion because…he can’t, 
I was like ‘Hallelujah and pass the Gefilte Fish. This is the best news ever!!!’ 

 
 KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS 
Now I can see it. Now I can even have compassion for him. But as a kid I didn’t 
get what was going on. And so of course I made up what I made up. I mean this 
is how accurately kid’s see the world. 
 

 
 
Now ideally as a kid I would have known I had no idea how people work. Ideally 
I would have said to myself, “Hey self. Cute adorable self who thinks unicorns 
still might be real self. I can’t help but notice dad is acting a way that is troubling 
me. Before I jump to any conclusions, that may cause psychological damage, I 
will wait till I am old enough to make an accurate, comprehensive assessment.”  
 
But the caveman side of us learned that if we could figure out where the threats 
were fast, we could stay alive. So, when we feel scared, we don’t feel 
comfortable just sitting around pondering. We want to know and we want to 
know…fast.  
 
In caveman times, it works because it’s not too complicated to figure out where 
Saber Toothed Tigers are. But it doesn’t work with people, because 
understanding why people do what they do is virtually impossible. And 
especially impossible when you are a kid and this is how accurately we 
understand why people do what they do. 
 

 
 
So, fueled, not by truth, but by panic, I just winged it and came up with “My dad 
doesn’t love me because I am not enough.” 
 
Short term it was a great plan. Knowing why my dad was acting this way gave 
me a sense of control. And I couldn’t change my dad, but I could change me. 
So, making it my fault gave me another sense of control. And when you are 
scared, the more control the better. 
 
So, there you have it. I have it all figured out. I am not ‘enough.’ And now I can 
fix this hole by spending the rest of my life becoming ‘enough’ and then I will be 
able to be loved.  
 
I was scared and confused, but now I understood and had a plan. I felt so much 
better. What could possibly go wrong? 
 
Well the number one thing that could go wrong is, ummm, let me see here, oh 
yeah…I was wrong!!!  
 
Turns out he did love me, he just couldn’t show it because…he can’t. 
 
And the reason I was wrong was because of the process I used. And that 
process will explain why I became so confused. That process will explain why my 
ideas about self and love are so filled with inconsistencies. And that process can 
be summed up in four little words. And those four little words are…I Made It Up.  
 
I didn’t know the real reason, so the reason that I came up, I’m ‘not enough,’ is 
made up. It’s not real. It’s maaaaade up. Say it with me ‘Maaaaaade 
Uuuuuuuup.’ As in not real. Me believing in ‘not enough’ is as real as me 
believing in the Tooth Fairy. Actually, the Tooth Fairy is slightly more believable 
because at least she leaves money. 
 
When I read a kid’s note like this: 
 

 
 
I think “Oooh that is so cute. When they don’t understand things, they just make 
up things that aren’t real.” 
 
But on that day, at the bottom of the stairs, when I didn’t understand things, I 
made up things too. 
 
 

 
 
Kind of sad and dark, I know, but also a huge breakthrough because it’s showing 
that me thinking I am ‘not enough’…isn’t real. I made it up. Say it with me 
Maaaaaade Uuuuuuuup.  
 
I drew that image myself and it was surprisingly cathartic. I could really see and 
feel, how real it felt to blame myself for how my dad was acting.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ____________________ 
 
 
PONDER PLAY 
 
Take an experience from growing up, that you accidentally took 
personally. And draw a kid’s picture to illustrate, what you saw, and 
what you made it mean. 
 
Note: You can either take my award-winning, but very expensive 
series of classes called ‘How To Draw Like You Are Five.’ Or just do 
what I did, and use your weak hand. If you are ambidextrous, use 
your teeth. If you are ambidextrous and have no teeth you may 
skip this exercise. 
 
____________________ 
 

 
 WE MAKE IT UP 
So, there you have it. Lil’ Daniel, got scared and confused, and made up that he 
wasn’t enough. And I don’t think Lil’ Daniel was the only one. 
 
 
CLIENT SESSION WITH ERIC 
 
Daniel​: How did your homework go this week? 
Eric​: Good. I was online, talking to a woman, and we had some really good 
banter going. And then she asked me something, what felt like overly personal 
questions? And I noticed that I didn’t like that and kind of lost my flow. 
Daniel​: So why do you think that happened? 
Eric​: Well my friends have said they think part of my problem is that I have 
trouble opening up. And it’s hard for a woman to get to know me and see how 
great I am. 
Daniel​: Do you think you have trouble opening up? 
Eric​: I mean yeah, it’s not something I like to do. 
Daniel​: Okay, well imagine you are talking to a woman you really like and she 
says “Open up and reveal to me the real you.” How does that make you feel? 
Eric​: Uh yea, not good. 
Daniel​: Like you just had a bad burrito ‘not good?’ What kind of ‘not good?’ 
Eric​: Like if I do it, she will reject me, ‘not good.’ 
Daniel​: And why don’t you like the thought of that? 
Eric​: I guess I doubt myself. 
Daniel​: So where did you come up with the idea to doubt yourself? 
Eric​: I don’t know. It’s just always been that way.  
 
Daniel​: Not always. Do you remember finger painting as a kid?  
Eric​: Yeah 
Daniel​: Was it fun? 
Eric​: Yeah. 
  
 
Daniel​: So fun. I remember doing it and just throwing paint like some crazy 
drunk human sprinkler head. I didn’t care where the paint went. And when I was 
done, I had this messy, sloppy painting that looked like the floor of a Starburst 
factory. Do you remember that? 
Eric​: Yeah, it was so much fun.  
Daniel​: And even though the painting was ugly, didn’t you show it to your 
parents like it was the f’ing Mona Lisa? 
Eric​: Yeah, totally. 
 
Daniel​: Because we are kids, and we are full of wonderment and we don’t care 
what anybody else thinks. So, at that age did you doubt yourself? 
Eric​: No, I guess not. 
Daniel​: So, what happened that made that change? 
 
Eric​: I mean I grew up with a lot of dysfunction, but I have forgiven my parents 
for that. I know they did the best they could.   
Daniel​: Well I can appreciate that you intellectually get they did the best they 
could. But our subconscious doesn’t update as fast as your intellect. So, let’s just 
look at what happened and see if it has anything to do with your fear of opening 
up. 
Eric​: Okay. 
Daniel​: So did anything happen with your parents where you thought it had 
something to do with you? 
Eric​: I mean my parents fought a lot. And my dad was coming and going a lot.  
Daniel​: From a kid’s perspective, why do you think your dad was coming and 
going? 
Eric​: Well I thought it has something to do with me.  
Daniel​: Like what? 
Eric​: I mean the others dads weren’t doing that. So, I guess I thought, there was 
just something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t good enough for him to always be 
there. 
 
Daniel​: And what do you think that has to do with you not opening up? 
Eric​: Well if I think I’m not enough to get my dad’s love, then if I open up I 
probably think I won’t get loved back from anybody else either. 
Daniel​: Sounds about right.  
 
Daniel​: Okay, so as a kid you come up with that you weren’t enough to keep 
him around more. Is that about right?
Eric​: Yeah. 
Daniel​: Okay, now that you are older, and have more perspective, what else 
could explain your dad’s coming and going? 
Eric​: Well I mean he does that in everything. He is always starting and stopping 
jobs. He is always starting and stopping relationships. He’s just kind of flakey. 
Daniel​: Exactly, it’s not like he said to himself “I was going to be a great dad, 
and always be there, but once I got to know Eric, I realized he wasn’t deserving 
of more of my love, so I went packing.” 
Eric​: No. I mean he was just him.  
Daniel​: He could have loved you three times as much, he still would have come 
and gone. You didn’t get more love, not because you didn’t deserve more love, 
but there just wasn’t more love to give. You got all there was. There just wasn’t 
much around. 
Eric​: Right.  
Daniel​: So, if that is what really happened, then what does that do to your 
theory that it was your fault? 
Eric​: It makes it not true. 
Daniel​: And if what you made up, was that you weren’t ‘good enough.’ What 
does that mean about that belief? 
Eric​: It’s not true either. 
Daniel​: So, if it’s not true that you are ‘not enough’ then what does that really 
mean you are? 
Eric​: I guess that I’m ‘enough.’ 
Daniel​: Say it louder, with some oomph. 
Eric​: I am E-nough!!! 
Daniel​: Always have been, always will be. 
Eric​: Wow, that is weird to say that, but also freeing. 
Daniel​: Yeah, it’s like finding out your prison bars are made of marshmallow. 
 
 END OF SESSION 
 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
Think of how what you made up as a kid, maybe isn’t as true as you think? 
 
____________________ 
 
Eric saw more clearly, that his dad (like my dad), didn’t do what he did because 
of anything Eric did, but just that his dad was being his dad.  
 
We think we are owed functional parents. But we aren’t. They aren’t owed 
perfect kids, and you aren’t owed perfect parents. You get two people who are 
humans and full of flaws. They did/do love you, but at the same time, they were 
limited and you were caught in the cross hairs of that limitation. So, whatever 
happened, I am not excusing it or making it okay, I’m just saying it wasn’t your 
fault on any level. 
 
If you were bullied as a kid and maybe left thinking it had something to do with 
you. It didn’t. You know why you were bullied? Because bullies exist. I was one 
of them. I was a verbal bully. I was abnormally small, and since I couldn’t use size 
to defend myself, I used words. One time a kid came up to me and said “I am 
going to kick your butt.” And without missing a beat, I said “With the smell from 
your socks or your breath?” That was the last I heard of him. 
 
I teased a lot of kids and I never thought “Who will I tease today? Oh that kid, 
because he deserves it.” No, I wanted attention and selfishly took down 
anybody I could. I can’t take back what I did, but I can try to undo the damage. 
So, take it from a former bully, if you were teased, it’s not because there was 
anything wrong with you. You were a convenient target, cannon fodder for 
insecure people like me. 
 
So, if anybody did anything to you at all, I know it didn’t feel good, and it wasn’t 
okay, and I’m sorry it happened, but the fact that I hope is clearer than ever, is 
that it didn’t happen because of you. You were fine. You were just in the wrong 
place at the wrong time.  
 
So, whatever you made up about yourself, is understandable, but not real. And 
if you can slowly let go of the idea that it was your fault, and see what really 
happened, it changes everything. 
 
For me… 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 And for Eric… 

 
 
And hopefully for you as well. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ____________________ 
 
 
PONDER PLAY – BASIC 
 
Take the hurtful experience that you drew earlier (you did it, right?) 
and redraw it with a more aware and compassionate 
understanding of what happened. 
 
Note: I really enjoy seeing people’s drawing of this excise. So, if 
you feel moved, please find me, and send it to me. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER PLAY – INTENSE 
 
Think of a situation where somebody did something and you made 
it mean something about you. Then if it’s appropriate (and only if it 
feels right to you) or possible, go to the person and ask them what 
was really going on for them. You’ll be surprised how healing it can 
be. 
 
____________________ 
 
So, guess what? If Eric and I made up ‘not enough,’ then so did you. And that 
means if Eric and I are actually ‘enough,’ then so are you. So, congratulations, in 
reality, the fact is, you are…drum roll please…ENOUGH!!!  
 
Woo hoo. Confetti fall. Crowd goes wild.  
 
You’re enough as is. All that energy you put out trying to be something that 
people will love is not helping. You don’t need help, because you already are 
‘enough.’ You already are loveable. It may not always feel like it, but remember 
feelings aren’t always real.  
 
Here’s what’s real. Kick it.  
 
READ THIS OUT LOUD. 
 
When I was a kid 
I made something up. 
It was an innocent mistake 
But a mistake nonetheless. 
And that mistake is… 
That I’m ‘not enough.’ 
I made it up. 
It’s not true. 
I’m ‘Not enough’ is not true. 
Because I made it up. 
 
Therefore 
In reality 
From an adult perspective 
It must be logically concluded 
That I am 
100% 
Completely 
FDA Certified 
Enough. 
 
I am…Enough 
I am…Enough 
I am…Enough 
 
 
In fact 
Once I stop telling myself I’m not ‘enough’ 
I might just discover  
That in reality 
I am actually 
Completely Priceless. 

 
 SO WHERE IS MY LOVE? 
How did it feel to read that? If you felt a little uplifted, that is you experiencing 
the glorious sensation of being more connected with your own Wonderfulness. If 
you felt a little irritated, maybe even rolling your third eye thinking “That sounds 
nice, but if I am so ‘enough’ then where is my fricken’ love?” Well to you, I say 
‘good question.” 
 
I am asking you to see that in the same way you are ‘enough’ to have friendship, 
you are ‘enough’ to have love.  
 
But even though you are ‘enough’ to have friends, if you don’t treat them well, 
don’t be surprised if they don’t want to hang out with you. So, your soul is 
‘enough’ to have love and friendship, but your choices and behaviors still may 
need some work*.  
 
And while you do that work, feeling ‘enough’ will give you a much brighter 
attitude. 
 
If you go through life thinking: 
“Deep down, I am a flawed person who is not good enough to be loved. And 
no matter what I do, I am maybe destined to be alone.”  
 
Then you are going to be stuck and scared and frustrated, and maybe have a 
condo floor covered in kitty litter. 
 
If, however you connect to your journey with an approach of: 
 
“I am a good enough person who deserves love. And at the same time, I should 
probably work on myself to make my relationships as plentiful and successful as 
possible”, then you will expand to become a happier, more open person that 
naturally attracts and keeps love. And then you may have a cat out of desire, 
and not because you couldn’t land an actual human being. You dig? 
 
* The second book in this series, is here to help you do the work. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
Think about the idea that you can be both ‘enough’ but still need to keep 
growing. 
 
____________________ 
 REJECTING REJECTION 

CLIENT SESSION WITH ERIC​ ​(ONE WEEK LATER) 

 
Daniel​: So how does it feel to realize you are ‘enough?’ 
Eric​: I mean I get the benefit intellectually, but I don’t really feel how this will 
help me right now. I still feel scared to open up. 
Daniel​: I appreciate the honesty. A) It takes a while to really feel ‘enough’ but B) 
Just knowing ‘not enough’ is a lie, gets you some immediate benefits.   
Eric​: Like what. 
Daniel​: Well as I recall you were afraid to open up, right? 
Eric​: Right. 
Daniel​: So, imagine revealing your true self to a woman you barely know. Get 
that image in your head. Feel the fear. Now from 1-10 how scary does it feel to 
be rejected? 
Eric​: An 8.  
Daniel​: And if you are at an 8 in fear, how likely are you to be ‘open’ and 
‘authentic?’ 
Eric​: I mean I’m not.  
Daniel​: So, what does that do to your love life? 
Eric​: It pretty much kills it.  
Daniel​: Well we are about to do some ‘mind’ to ‘mind’ resuscitation.  
 
Daniel​: So, last week when I asked you what kept you from being open, what 
did you say? 
Eric​: The fear of being rejected. 
Daniel​: And do you remember from what ‘rejection’ is? 
Eric​: It’s a ‘no’ that I putting a meaning on. 
Daniel​: And what is that meaning? 
Eric​: That I am ‘not enough.’ 
Daniel​: And if you think her response can make you feel ‘not enough,’ then you 
will be afraid to be ‘rejected,’ and it creates that ‘8’ scary feeling, right? 
Eric​: Right 
 
Daniel​: So, after really seeing that what happened with your dad leaving, had 
nothing to do with you, what did you learn about you being ‘not enough?’ 
Eric​: I made it up. 
Daniel​: So, what does that mean you are actually? 
Eric​: Enough. 
Daniel​: And can anybody actually take that away from you? 
Eric​: No. 
Daniel​: Can a woman make you feel ‘not enough?’ 
Eric​: No. 
Daniel​: Why? 
Eric​: Because I am enough, and that doesn’t go away. 
Daniel​: So now close your eyes, and remember this woman you were afraid to 
open up to. But at the same time remember you are ‘enough.’ And nothing 
changes that…ever. Her opinion is just an opinion and can’t affect you at all.  
 
Now while remembering she can’t change you at all, imagine her asking you to 
open up. How scary does that feel now? 
Eric​: Like a 4. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
Why do you think Eric’s fear went from an 8 to a 4? 
 
____________________ 
 
Daniel​: So, what happened? 
Eric​: I mean if I’m ‘enough,’ then she can’t change that, and so she can’t ‘reject’ 
me. 
Daniel​: Exactly. ‘Rejection’ is based on ‘not enough.’ So, if ‘not enough’ is made 
up, then so is ‘rejection.’ In reality, nobody can ever reject you. How cool is that? 
Eric​: That’s pretty cool. 
Daniel​: So, it may take a while to feel fully ‘enough,’ but as of now, you can 
already start to feel ‘rejection’ proof.   
Eric​: I like that. 
 
Daniel​: Here, let’s test your new super powers. Remembering you are ‘rejection 
proof’ and imagine the woman online asking you to open up. What do you want 
to do now? 
Eric​: I mean it’s a bit scary, but definitely less, and I want to open up. I want her 
to know the real me. 
Daniel​: Yeah you do. And how would it feel to go through life like that? 
Eric​: I would feel so much lighter.  
 
Daniel​: Exactly. Feeling ‘not enough,’ is like the sandbags on a hot air balloon. 
It’s literally ‘baggage.’ But when you cut the sandbags loose, the hot air balloon 
gets to be it’s true self, and do what it was born to do which is…rise to new 
heights. So, what’s going to happen when you realize you are 100% rejection 
proof? 
Eric​: I am going to rise. 
Daniel​. Ooooh, I felt you open up right there. I felt the real you just then. And I 
got to tell you Eric, there are two things in this world I want to stay open. You, 
and the government. 
 
END OF SESSION 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 1 
 
If you are ‘enough’ already, can anybody really reject you? 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 2 
 
Think of a time where you felt ‘rejected,’ and see that maybe that’s 
not as real as you think. 
 
____________________ 
 
Ideally we would all feel 100% ‘enough,’ not be afraid of rejection and the fear 
would drop off and all the love would show up like a big love avalanche. And 
trust me, that can come later. That is what I help people with. 
 
But for now, just having the awareness that ‘not enough’ is made up, can be a 
very helpful concept. For one, now when it grabs you, you can say ‘Hey this ​feels 
real, but I know it’s not.” And that gives you options. 
 
If somebody doesn’t know they have Agoraphobia (fear of leaving their house) 
then they truly feel like if they leave their house, they are in danger. And aren’t 
very likely to go outside. 
 
But if the same person, now knows they have Agoraphobia, and that their fear 
isn’t fully rational, and a little ‘made up,’ then when the fear hits, instead of just 
letting it rule them, they can challenge it. They can say “I know this ​feels​ like I 
am in danger, but that’s not really true.” And even though it’s uncomfortable, 
they can still choose to go outside and enjoy the sunshine on their face. 
 
Well ‘notenougness’ is kind of like a phobia. Because your fear isn’t fully rational.  
 
If you don’t know it’s irrational, then when you think of somebody saying ‘no’ to 
you, it will feel like you are truly going to end up ‘not enough’ to be loved. And 
that is horrible and painful and so of course you are too afraid to act.  
 
But if you can stop, and say “I know it f​ eels​ like they could say ‘no’ and I would 
be less enough. But I know that’s not fully real.’ Now you have options. Now you 
can choose your destiny.   
 
So how about instead of saying you are afraid of rejection, tell yourself you 
suffer from No-aphobia. An irrational fear of ‘no.’  
 
And then next time you feel your No-aphobia coming on, you can stand up to it, 
leave the house of fear, and feel the sunshine of love on your face.  
 
Also, just by knowing ‘not enough’ is made up, means that now you can begin 
to address it. If you don’t know it’s a lie, you don’t even think to look at it. But 
once you know it’s a lie, you can begin to address it. 
 
Awareness isn’t the end point, but in many ways it’s the most important piece, 
because without awareness you can’t begin to change. But now you have 
awareness. Now you know that ‘not enough’ isn’t real. 
 
And you know what G.I. Joe says 
 

 
 
 
And I know it may not seem like much now. But an awareness like that, that ‘not 
enough’ isn’t real, is a big deal. It’s a huge deal. Most of the world has no idea 
what you now know. 
 
And so even though you still feel ‘not enough’ and there is more work to do, I 
really want you to honor and appreciate the courage and commitment to truth it 
takes to get to this point. 
 
And to even get to this point is a testament to you. You have to have a whole lot 
of failure and disappointment and hurt and heartbreak, to get to the point, 
where you will get curious enough to go looking for the truth. 
 
Most of the world, feels failure and disappointment and just gives up. But that’s 
not you. And I’m proud of you. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 
 
How would life be different if you could see that ‘not enough’ isn’t as real as you 
think? 
 
____________________ 
 
 
SELF LOVE PROTIP 
 
You aren’t afraid of rejection. You just suffer from Adult Onset No-aphobia. 
 
And good news. It’s totally curable. 
 
____________________ 
 
 
CLIENT SESSION WITH AMY 
 
Daniel​: How did your homework go? 
Amy​: Good. I think. I was talking to this guy at work I am into. And he said 
something that kind of hurt my feelings. But instead of doing what I normally do, 
which is to either shut down or just leave completely, I just realized I was feeling 
‘rejected’ but that nobody can really ‘reject’ me. 
Daniel​: And what happened? 
Amy​: I still felt the fear, but I had some perspective to say, “This isn’t as real as I 
think. I am ‘enough’ and he can’t change that.” And so, I stayed open to him 
and the conversation ended really well. We are going out on Saturday. 
Daniel​: I am so tempted to use my Yoda voice and say “The force is strong with 
this one.” Good for you, that’s it. 
Amy​: Thanks. I was pretty proud of myself. 
Daniel​: You should be. You don’t even have to feel ‘enough’ right now, just 
knowing it’s made up, changes its’ grip on you. Because now when you feel the 
scary feeling, you realize he didn’t cause it, he just triggered it. 
Amy​: Right. 
Daniel​: It’s not like he is a monster that can do something to you, it’s like he is a 
mirror that is just showing your insecurities back to you. But knowing the 
difference allows you more choices. You can still feel fear, but hit an override 
switch, and not let the fear win. 
Amy​: That’s how it felt. I was still scared, but I hit the override switch and was 
able to stay open and got what I wanted. 
Daniel​: And that gives you control, because ultimately you decide your 
experience. 
Amy​: Yeah. 
Daniel​: So, next time you get that scary feeling, instead of thinking he is a 
monster, just say he is a mirror.  
 
END OF SESSION 
 
 
____________________ 
 
 
POINDER POINT 
 
Instead of saying you are ‘afraid of rejection’ can you see it’s more 
like you are ‘afraid of reflection.’ 
 
____________________ 
 
‘Not enough’ isn’t just a reflection; it’s more like a whole House of Mirrors at a 
carnival. It gives you these warped, unattractive reflections of yourself. At the 
carnival, you can laugh at the reflection, because you know it’s not real. But 
when you think ‘not enough’ is real, that distorted, Oompa Loompa reflection 
isn’t so funny, is it? 
 
So just like Amy, when things start to get scary, instead of freaking out, just say 
to yourself something like, “I’m in The House of Mirrors, and that scary reflection 
that I may not be ‘enough,’ isn’t real.”  
 
Knowing something isn’t real makes a big difference. A roller coaster is only fun 
because you know you aren’t actually going to crash. A magic trick is only fun, 
because you know the woman isn’t actually going to be cut in half. And life is a 
lot more fun when you know somebody can’t actually suck out your worth, like 
an emotional vampire. 
 
If you forget that ‘not enough’ isn’t real, you aren’t just in The House of Mirrors, 
you’re in a whole nerve wracking carnival. There are scary haunted houses, foods 
that give you a rush of sweetness and then leave you empty inside, rides that 
make you sick, and games that you are set up to lose. Carnivals are fun for an 
hour or two, but you don’t want to live there. And as long as you think ‘not 
enough’ is real, you live in a carnival.  

 
 YOU CAN LEAVE THE CARNIVAL 
We started this journey, with the original question: Why, if friendship and love 
are structurally identical, is it easy to find friendship, but difficult to find love?  
 
Well here is one final clue. You ever notice that when we talk about love, it’s a 
lot more loaded than when we talk about friendship. 
 
I have never heard:  
 
● “I am positive that pimples = no friends” 
 
● “I don’t know if I am good enough to be their friend.” 
 
● “Are you going to just keep calling me when you’re hungry, or do you 
see this developing beyond just lunch buddies?”  
 
● “Before I agree to be your friend, I want to know if you see this friendship 
going anywhere?”  
 
● “Oh so now you want to go see a movie with me? Where were you last 
week? Are you some sort of a player? “ 
 
● “The ratio of friends to no-friends in this town is like 4:1.” 
 
And the reason nobody talks like this is that all that ‘not enough’ based fear and 
baggage that we dump into love, we just don’t dump into friendship. 
 
If we did, then: 
 
a) Around friends, we would be scared, closed off and inauthentic. 
b) Friendship would be as hard to find as love. 
 
And you’d hear sabotaging things like: 
 
● “This is all happening so fast, I think we need to slow this friendship 
down.”   
 
● “The reason I don’t have any friends is because all the good ones are 
either taken or gay.” 
 
 
At the beginning of the book, Chris said it feels like Love is more complicated. 
Well it is. But not because Love is complicated. But because we are complicated 
and we make Love complicated. Love is wonderful and amazing and is the 
ultimate friendship. But when we sneak Love into our complication carnival, Love 
becomes distorted by the Willy Wonka House of Mirrors and everything gets 
really scary, really fast. And once fear enters, instead of being on the Ferris 
Wheel with your sweetie-pie, you are at the arcade playing air hockey by 
yourself. 
 
 
And remember that list from the very beginning of the book: 
● Just don’t take it personally. 
● Just move on and let the past go. 
● Just be in the moment and don’t overthink things. 
● Just open up and be yourself. 
● Just be honest and vulnerable. 
● Just be confident and face your fears. 
● Just relax, you’ll find love when you stop looking for it. 
● Just go for it. The worst thing they can do is say is “no”. 
 
And I asked, “If the things on that list would help us get more of what we 
wanted, why don’t we do it more?” 
 
Well if you have a fear you aren’t ‘enough’ then anything on that list can 
theoretically feel like it leads to some form of ‘rejection. And people tend to not 
want to do things that trigger a mini-existential crisis. So, if you think you aren’t 
‘enough,’ “just be yourself” is as scary as hearing “Hey, lady afraid of spiders, 
just go swimming in a pool of tarantulas.” “Hey guy, about to meet Kim Jon-un, 
just be yourself.” 
 
See ‘not enough’ doesn’t just limit our ability to be open and authentic, it affects 
our very ability to be a functioning and joyful human being.  
 
Trust me, from experience, I can tell you the belief in ‘not enough’ creates fear 
and anger and effects our ability to: 
 
● Set boundaries. 
● Speak up for what we want. 
● Break unhealthy patterns. 
● Leave a relationship. 
● Feel we deserve more. 
● Forgive. 
● Be patient 
● Be compassionate. 
● Be kind. 
● Be generous. 
● Be fun. 
 ● Pull off any of those cheesy inspirational quotes your friends send you on 
Facebook. 
 
But thank god ‘not enough’ isn’t real.  
Thank god, you can change this. 
Thank god, you can leave the carnival.  
 
And when you leave the carnival, your life will go from a disappointing game of 
ring toss, to a thrilling round of go-karts. With an occasional session of bumper 
cars. Bow chicka bow bow.  
 
Get it? Bumper cars? Because when we have sex, we go ‘bump’ ‘bump.’  
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 1 
 
What if instead of hiding from all the scary mirrors and rides of the 
carnival, you just focus on dismantling the whole carnival 
altogether? 
 
____________________ 
 
 
PONDER POINT 2 
 
What would life be like if you started to refer to sex as ‘bump 
bump’? Really think about this one. 
 
____________________ 
 

 
 GO DEEPER 
By covering the basics of how self-love and Love relate, this book is my attempt 
at helping you dismantle your own scary carnival. However, I get that this may 
not be new to you. And if you have known for a while, that feeling ‘not enough’ 
is the issue and you are trying to change that, I salute you. And I offer this book 
as a tool, so that no matter where you are in your journey, you will be able to 
get there faster. Or at the very least be amused by my ridiculous stories of 
Ego-ic delirium.  
 
But this book is basic not because that’s all I have to show you. It’s basic 
because: A) Our blind spots are often hidden in our most basic assumptions and 
B) I am laying down the foundation and mental vocabulary for my other books 
that will go deeper. 
 
And even if you get that self-esteem is part of the issue, you may not get it’s the 
most important thing. I have friends who will admit they sometimes feel ‘not 
enough.’ But when I ask them why they are struggling with love, they forget 
about the self-esteem part, and instead mention things like:  
 
● Men aren’t ready to grow up. 
● Women don’t know what they want. 
● I don’t have time for a relationship. 
● It’s my husbands’ fault. 
● It’s my wife’s fault. 
● I’m not the right age anymore. 
● Men aren’t ready to settle down. 
● Women are too demanding. 
● I am too picky. 
● The kids make it impossible for us to connect. 
● This city is too hard to meet people. 
● I just don’t have the time. 
● Whole Foods is just too expensive. 
 
And I am sure maybe you can add to the list.  
 
And I know this list is tempting to focus on, believe me, I did it for years. But 
based on experience, anything on that list isn’t the real issue. 
 
And I know this because I have spoken to naturally open, authentic, self-loving 
people and they say love is easy to find, no matter what they look like, or what 
city they live in, or how much quinoa costs. 
 
And also because clients come to me with the frustration on that list, but when 
they focus their attention on evolving ‘not enough’ and being more open and 
authentic, their love lives improve, without anything on that list being any 
different. 
 
I bring this up because for things to change, you need to change. And if you 
focus on changing surface level things, then the real change, the deeper 
change, is getting ignored. So, you just end up putting a lot of energy into 
putting new curtains on a crumbling house. So, trust me, the things on that list 
aren’t the real issue, they are excuses and distractions from the real issue.  
 
And I am not judging. Facing the real issue, yourself, can be scary. Hell, I spent 
fifteen years obsessing over making my curtains funnier. It was good because I 
was never too uncomfortable, but I never got under the house and fixed the 
foundation. I never got to the core issue; the mothership that was fueling it all.  
 
I was like an exhausted fighter pilot trying to shoot down all these separate 
enemy issues. But when I focused on one thing, and torpedoed the mother ship, 
the enemy fighters went home, the sky opened up, and a hot air balloon with a 
big smiley face came floating by. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 CONGRATS!!! YOU’RE AN INNER ATHLETE 
 
If you are reading this it means you made it through the first three chapters of 
this book. And so before we go any further I want to stop and say something to 
you from the bottom of my heart. And that is... ‘Congrats!!! You made it this 
far!!!’ 
 
I say ‘made it’ because while I wrote this book in a playful and light tone, don’t 
be fooled. What you just read packs a confronting wallop. Many people start 
this book, but not everybody makes it this far. But you are not everybody. So... 
a) I honor and salute you for your courage. And b) This means you are what I call 
an ‘Inner Athlete’ 
 
An Inner Athlete is what I call somebody that is t​ ruly​ committed to their growth 
and evolution and is willing to do the ‘work’ to get there. 
 
And since it’s my mission and purpose to help and support the Inner Athletes of 
the world, get where they need to go as fast as possible, I am glad we met. 
 
There is another reason I am glad we met. See, I have created a set of deeply 
effective tools and systems, so that anybody who really wants to grow...​can.  
 
And while these profoundly effective tools I have created, bring incredible 
results and change to your life, they only work if you are actually committed and 
actually use the tools. 
 
And not everybody is as committed as they say they are. So it’s no fun to share 
my tools with people who aren’t going to use them. 
 
But you are an Inner Athlete, so I already know you are committed.  
 
So, I know if I give you access to what I’ve created, you will actually use it...and 
see real, meaningful measurable change in your life. 
 
Plus, I am guessing you have already tried other approaches to feeling better 
and changing your life, but are still maybe repeating the same patterns that 
don’t work for you, and not feeling a whole lot better.   
 
So if you are looking for something that goes deeper, to the root cause, so you 
can really change and really feel better, that is exactly the types of perceptual 
tools and systems I create for people. 
 
You see where I am going with all this? 
 
You help me fulfill my destiny of training committed Inner Athletes and I can 
help you by giving you more tools and systems, that go deep and give you 
deeply meaningful change in your life. 
 
And here are a few ways I can help you right now. 
 
BUY THE REST OF THE BOOK 
 
The first three chapters of ‘Self Love Made Simple’ is showing you that 
‘notenoughness’ isn’t real. And while it’s interesting and illuminating and 
healing, it’s not even the best part of the book. 
 
Yet to come, are five more epiphany-popping chapters (with over a dozens 
exercises, and introspective experiences) that are going to lovingly and playfully 
catapult you towards connecting with two beautiful truths. 
 
a) What it is about you specifically, that people love, that you don’t see or 
appreciate. 
b) How glorious life will be when you finally realize your true, divine inner 
value and worth. 
 
Once you realize these two things, you will end this book feeling more 
confident, grounded, and more free to be you. The ​real​ you. 
 
Sound good? 
 
Of course it does. 
 
LEARN MY MIND HEART HEALING SYSTEM 
 
As good as this book is, it’s just a book. And from helping people build self-love 
for over fifteen years, I have learned that to truly heal your ‘notenoughness’ you 
have to really go through a transformational process. 
 
Fortunately for you, I have created a dead simple, but profoundly powerful and 
pioneering transformational process that allows you to truly dissolve your 
‘notenoughness’ out of your system. 
 
This process is called my Mind Heart Healing System and if you want to truly feel 
‘enough to be loved’ this is what you should do. 
 WORK WITH ME PERSONALLY 
 
I love writing and speaking, but there is also a beautiful part of helping people 
one on one. If you want to keep repeating your same patterns and not really 
grow, then I am not a good coach for you. But if you really want to grow and get 
what you want incredibly quickly, then I strongly invite you to consider personal 
coaching. 
 
SWEET POTATOES 
 
I also know a recipe for sweet potatoes that has an ingredient that nobody can 
figure out, but everybody loves. And if we ever meet in person, I promise to 
share it with you. 
 
 
For now though, here again are your three options. 
 
To buy the rest of ‘Self-Love Made Simple’ (Amazon Kindle) ​CLICK HERE 
 
and/or 
 
To learn about my Mind Heart Healing System ​CLICK HERE 
 
and/or 
 
To learn about coaching ​CLICK HERE