It is important to talk about death because death is so integral to life ...

Suppressing our relationship with death is a form of numbing which

spreads to other areas and tends to limit our capacity for feeling in
general, or our vitality.

(Robert Jay Lifton, quoted in McKissock & McKissock, 1995, p.61)

Discuss this quotation, highlighting what you consider to be the major issues addressed, and provide
reasons for or against these issues.

Introduction
For many people in Western society, death is the ultimate taboo. Talking about death, and

openly contemplating one’s own death, have the capacity to reduce a room full of articulate

and sensitive people to an uneasy, embarrassed silence. Many of us experience extreme

discomfort when talking with a person who is close to death, or someone who has been

diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Moreover, just being with someone who has

recently been bereaved can become a case study in evasion, false reassurance and mawkish

platitude.

Is this uneasiness with death an essential part of life in a modern urban society? Does our

desire to exclude death from our lives serve some valuable purpose—perhaps helping to

ensure that we remain committed to, and focused on, life? Or does this culture of avoidance

diminish our life in significant ways—for example, by limiting our capacity for feeling and

vitality, as Robert Jay Lifton asserts? This essay will examine these questions, with the aim

of coming to some understanding of how and why death plays such an ambivalent role in our

society—seemingly both too important, and not important enough, for us to dare to

contemplate. It will explore the significance of talking about and encountering death from a

variety of perspectives, and will attempt to illuminate some of the advantages of forging a

closer alliance with this inevitable and potentially terrifying dimension of our humanity.

Clarifying the Issues

It is important to clarify two key claims that Lifton is making, as an essential first step in this

investigation. His first claim is that, because death is an integral part of life, it is important
Jim Beattie Counselling in Loss Assessment 1: Essay

that we talk about it. Here, he seems to be observing that death is not an “optional extra” in

life—like air-conditioning or mudflaps on a car. Nor is it something that falls outside the

realm of our mundane lives—like angels or the perfect golf score. Furthermore, death is not

something that only affects us when we come to the end of our own lives, but it also affects

us throughout our time in this world. For example, the media tell us daily of death and

suffering in every corner of the planet. Relatives, friends and acquaintances die around us.

We notice our own bodies slowly decaying and dying as we grow older. We observe the

death of plants and animals; plans and dreams.

Lifton is therefore encouraging us to see death as an ongoing part of life. However, he goes

further than this, and argues that because death is an integral part of life, it is important that

we talk about it. As it stands, this claim calls for further interpretation in order to make it

plausible. To see this, consider the fact that there are many things that are integral to life, yet

which do not necessarily repay our conscious attention and discussion. For example, our

bodily functions are an integral part of life—not one of us could survive if it were not for

such activities as the beating of our hearts and the elimination of wastes from our bodies.

However, very few people would seriously argue that we are limiting our capacity for feeling

and vitality by excluding discussion of bodily functions from our everyday conversations.

This suggests that there must be some other reason that death deserves our attention, in

addition to the fact that it is an integral part of our lives.

Lifton gives us a clue as to what this other reason might be in the second of his two claims—

that if we suppress our relationship with death, we have only a limited capacity for feeling

and vitality. This implies that death is not just an integral part of life, but that it is a

particularly important part of life. Again, however, this does not take us quite far enough, for

birth is also an exceptionally important part of life, marking the beginning of our existence,

and yet Lifton is not urging us to affirm our relationship with birth. So what is it about death,

as opposed to other important aspects of our existence, that gives it the crucial role claimed

by Lifton?

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In this writer’s view, there are at least two aspects of death that give it particular salience in

human affairs. Firstly, as with birth, death places a finite boundary on our existence. Death

marks the point at which each one of us ceases to exist in human form. Even if we believe in

our continued existence after death, this requires us to imagine ourselves being transmuted or

distilled into some other form—spirit, angel, ghost, soul, etc.—because of the familiar fact

that human bodies disintegrate at death. This means that, to the extent that we can conceive

of the way the world will be after our death, we can only imagine it as a place from which

our bodies, feelings, thoughts and actions have disappeared, while everything else remains

the same—or so we expect. Regardless of where we imagine ourselves to be after death, it is

somewhere other than this “mortal coil”, to use Shakespeare’s memorable phrase.

Secondly, death is something that, for all of us, lies in the future rather than the present or the

past. This perhaps explains why we regard birth and death as such different events, and why

we often have fears and negative thoughts and feelings relating to our absence from the

world after death, but often have no opinion one way or the other about our absence from the

world before our birth. One of the most important features of this asymmetry between birth

and death is the fact that we may be able to exercise some control over the timing and nature

of our death—if, for example, we adopt the “right” (or “wrong”) diet and lifestyle, drive

carefully (or recklessly), and so on. By contrast, the timing and nature of our birth lie totally

outside our control. Furthermore, we can find out many facts and details about our birth

relatively easily—especially for those who are born in the era of home video recorders—

whereas the precise timing and nature of our death is usually unknown to us until

immediately before it happens.

What makes death such a profound feature of our lives, then, seems to be this combination of

ignorance about the facts of our death (and what might or might not lie beyond it), together

with the feeling that our choices can make a difference to the timing and nature of our death

—if only we knew in advance what the “right” choices were for each one of us to make.

Hand in hand with this is our realisation that none of our efforts can allow us to evade death

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entirely. Perhaps most important, however, is the fact that an awareness of this cluster of

issues has the power to make all our current earthly struggles, concerns, pleasures and hopes

seem meaningless: why should we bother to deliberate carefully about the courses of action

we might choose if we are all going to die anyway? Against this background, we therefore

seek to preserve a sense of meaning in our lives as we go about planning for “the future” and

making sure we do not needlessly risk a premature death, and one way in which we do this is

by conveniently ignoring the fact that our life will come to an end one day, regardless of

what we might do in the meantime.

For this writer, it is these profound and potentially terrifying features of death that make it

extremely difficult for most of us to confront it with equanimity. However, it is these same

features that make it all the more important that we respond to Lifton’s plea to talk about

death, as well as to cultivate a deep personal awareness of the reality of our own death, and a

sensitivity to the significance of death in the lives of others. If we persist in denying death its

rightful place in our lives, we cut ourselves off from a potential source of growth and self-

awareness. We may save ourselves some pain and anguish in the short term, but, as Lifton

says, we also limit our capacity to experience life in its full vitality.

Other Writers’ Views

A number of other writers have discussed the significance of bringing an awareness of death

into our daily lives, and of the healing power that this can have in relation to bereavement.

One of the most prominent writers on death and dying in recent decades has been the noted

psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who has worked extensively with patients in the terminal

stages of illness. Kübler-Ross, drawing partly on psychoanalytical theory, claims that we can

never contemplate our own death at the unconscious level:

It is inconceivable for our unconscious to imagine an actual end of our own

life here on earth, and if this life of ours has to end, the ending is always
attributed to a malicious intervention from the outside by someone else ...
Therefore death in itself is associated with a bad act, a frightening happening,
something that in itself calls for retribution and punishment. (Kübler-Ross,
1969, p.2)

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For Kübler-Ross, this unconscious association between death and evil is a key influence

behind our conscious aversion to discussing and thinking about death. However, she urges us

to fight this deeply entrenched and primitive association:

If all of us would make an all-out effort to contemplate our own death, to deal
with our anxieties surrounding the concept of our death, and to help others
familiarize themselves with these thoughts, perhaps there could be less
destructiveness around us. (Kübler-Ross, 1969, p.13)

Kübler-Ross encourages us to cultivate the habit of thinking regularly about death and dying,

and to use our awareness of illness in others as an occasion to focus on our own death and

dying (Kübler-Ross, 1969, p.29). In her view, this will help to protect us from the brutal

reminder of our own mortality that can be provoked by a sudden death or the diagnosis of a
terminal illness within our immediate family. This writer would add to Kübler-Ross’s

suggestion, an invitation to become more aware of the day-to-day deterioration of our own

bodies, as a part of our effort to embrace the reality of death as an aspect of everyday life.

We take a small step towards making peace with death if we can come to view our own

ageing as a potential source of insight and wisdom, rather than as a cue to hide behind

toupees, facelifts and wrinkle creams.

These proposals may seem depressing and morbid to many people. However, the process of

“normalising” death has to start somewhere, and contemplating death and dying will seem

depressing and morbid for as long as we continue the battle to exclude an awareness of it

from our daily lives. The terror associated with our own demise, and the fear and pain

associated with the loss of someone we love, will have the capacity to obstruct or even

cripple us for as long as we persist in elevating death beyond the realm of ordinary existence.

Another writer who has explored the denial of death is Ernest Becker. Becker asserts that we

can live a fuller and more authentic life if we face the ultimate reality of death, and he

proposes that it is the fear of our own death that provokes the anxiety we experience after any

loss (cited in Humphrey & Zimpfer, 1996, p.13). A variation on this theme is developed by

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Stephen Levine, who claims that when someone close to us dies, it is not the deceased person

we are mourning, but ourselves:

We mourn our loss: someone we related to isn’t on the other side of the net
for the game of life that we have become so used to playing. ... Know that it is
you who you are mourning and make room in your heart for yourself. It is the
pain in your heart that you feel, not the pain of another. (Levine, 1986, p.236;
second emphasis added)

Levine also urges us to accept that death is “nothing special”, and that it is our culture’s

denial of death—and our failure to recognise this denial—that has allowed death to become

such a tyrant over our emotions (Levine, 1986, p.236). He tells us that “[t]here seems to be

much less suffering for those who live life in the wholeness that includes death” (Levine,
1986, p.5). Like Lifton, Levine emphasises the importance of talking about death, and

observes that a great deal of tension can be released just by “letting it out in words”:

Sharing dreams, fulfilled and unfulfilled, allows us to confront our

predicament. I have seen patients take a giant step toward letting go after such
intimate and honest sharing with a special loved one. (Levine, 1986, p.166)

However, Levine also sees a vital role for wordless communication, particularly when we are

in the company of someone who is nearing death. He describes a technique of “speaking

silently through the heart” (p.163), in which one seeks to communicate love, care and

acceptance to someone who is suffering, by having a silent “conversation” with them about

their suffering and imminent death. Levine argues that this is not just a technique to use with

people who are dying, but is another way of “opening your heart so other people can open

theirs” in daily life (p.164). This suggests that it could be a valuable adjunct to more

conventional approaches to counselling and helping during bereavement, at those times when

words seem both too much and not enough to acknowledge the pain of loss.

Levine argues that although it is important that we talk about death, we should never impose

our own agenda on someone who is trapped within denial. He describes this as “stealing

denial” from them, and criticises it as “an act of righteousness and separatism” (Levine,

1986, p.163). When working with seriously ill patients, he advises us that:

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it is important to remember that it is not “you” who has to do anything. All

you have to do is get out of the way so that the appropriate response to the
moment can manifest itself. You don’t have to save anyone except you.
Working with the dying is working on yourself. (Levine, 1986, p.167)

This writer feels that on many occasions there may be more of a role to be played by the

skilled helper than that outlined by Levine, in facilitating a patient’s encounter with their

own dying—even if this is nothing more than the accurate expression of empathy. However,

as Kübler-Ross emphasises, we should always respect the individual’s denial, and follow

their timetable for growth and self-awareness rather than seeking to make them conform to

our view of what is best for them (Kübler-Ross, 1969, pp.28–37).

Joseph Sharp embraces a similar approach, encouraging us to “live our dying” as an essential
part of our “search for the sacred” (Sharp, 1996, p.21). He sees this as a deeply experiential

matter, requiring us to reaccept our dying on a daily, moment-to-moment basis (p.13), and he

calls on us to acknowledge that “we all have a life-threatening condition if we open our

hearts to life as it really is” (p.16). His approach, like Levine’s, offers something that can

strengthen and enrich the life of each one of us—whether we be in the flush of good health,

recently bereaved, grappling with the diagnosis of a serious illness, or nearing death. Sharp

offers several practices that are aimed at forging a closer relationship with our own dying,

including eliminating all euphemisms about death and dying from our vocabularies (pp.34–

36); learning to view all instances of change in our world as instances of dying (pp.36–38);

and regularly trying to imagine as vividly as possible that we are now dying (pp.38–40).

Conclusion
This essay has explored some of the ways in which our lives might be enhanced by talking

about death and dying, and generally by bringing an awareness of death into our daily lives.

A variety of writers have argued that the benefits of cultivating a close relationship with

death far outweigh the disadvantages, and some, such as Levine and Sharp, have provided

valuable techniques and practices aimed at helping us to achieve this. This writer has

presented some considerations that seek to explain why death has been so marginalised

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within our lives, and has endorsed the view that, at all stages of our existence, we stand to

gain enormously if we follow Sharp’s advice, and learn to “live our dying”.

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References
Humphrey, G.M. & Zimpfer, D.G. (1996). Counselling for grief and bereavement. London:
Sage Publications.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York: Macmillan.

Levine, S. (1986). Who dies? An investigation of conscious living and conscious dying. Bath:
Gateway Books.

McKissock, M., & McKissock, D. (1995). Coping with grief (3rd ed.). Sydney: ABC Books.

Sharp, J.(1996). Living our dying: A way to the sacred in everyday life. London: Rider.

Additional Readings
Staudacher, C. (1991). Men and grief. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Worden, J.W. (1991). Grief counselling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health
practitioner (2nd ed.). London: Routledge.

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