How to Be Less Talkative

Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC

Updated: May 20, 2019

When you have the tendency of talking too much, people undervalue what it is you
Explore this Article
bring to the table. While talking is not a bad thing, being too talkative is. Fostering new
relationships and maintaining the ones you have means learning when to talk and Learning to Be Quiet
Becoming a Better Listener
especially when not to. In order to do this, you may need to practice some basic skills.
Participating in Everyday
People will begin to respect you as a speaker in no time at all. Conversations
Article Summary
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References

Part
Learning to Be Quiet
1

1 Identify the reasons why you're talking so much. Talking is an innate part of being human and helps
you maintain social connections. However, it's also a way to cope with feelings of nervousness and stress.
Ask yourself if you may be chattering because you're anxious or feeling awkward, then adopt new habits to help
you feel calm and confident.[1]
Meditate to calm yourself.
Visualize yourself staying calm and allowing others to speak.
Spend some time sitting with your emotions. Consider how you're feeling, accept those feelings, and
then release them.
Journal to help you work through your thoughts.

2 Unplug from technology.[2] A lot of times, the need to talk is a reaction from being so overly stimulated by
things you find on Twitter, a viral video on YouTube, a snap from Snapchat, etc. Spend some time away
from those distractions and reconnect with yourself.
Find joy in by unplugging and replace mindless distraction with something constructive like arts and
crafts projects. Use your hands and draw something.[3]
Practice the art of not having a reaction to any and everything that is brought to your attention. Harness
that energy and focus it on cutting and pasting things with your hands from scratch.

3 Write your thoughts in journal.[4] If the people around you seem increasingly disinterested in what you
have to say, write it down in a journal. Learn to express yourself while maintaining self restraint in how you
impose your thoughts on others.
If you’re having trouble trying to find where to begin, keep in mind that journaling meant to be a free flow
of thoughts – whatever that is to you. It doesn’t have to make sense or have a rhyme or reason, etc.
Google journaling prompts online to help act as a starting point if need be.
Journal in the traditional way with a paper and pen or write your thoughts in an empty document on your
PC.

4 Meditate for self awareness.[5] Meditation doesn’t have to be an intense yogi experience where you sit in
absolute silence with your back against the wall as you "om". Take five to ten minutes out of your day to
use meditation as a tool to become more aware of your thoughts and appreciative the art of being quiet.
You can find several apps to help you with your meditation, including Insight Timer, Calm, and
Headspace.
If being in absolute silence intimidates you, meditate in other ways and in other areas. Meditate in the
shower and center yourself in your thoughts there or allow music to act as soundtrack in those
moments.
The more you practice, the more at ease with yourself you will become and you will start to realize that
you don’t have to beg people to notice you through talking. You will realize your power is in your
 presence and the overcompensation will lessen dramatically.

5 Be an observer of your surroundings. Often the key to being quiet in an organic way is to insert yourself
in situations that demand your attention in a healthy way. The best way to accomplish this is to be one with
the things that surround you everyday.
Take ten to fifteen minutes of your day to go outside and admire the way the sun feels on your skin or
the breeze through your hair.[6] Admire the clouds in the sky, their shapes and sizes.
Take a walk down a busy street and pay attention to all of the sights and sounds as they pass you by.
After a while, see if you can isolate which sounds come from where: a car honk in the distance, a baby
crying right next to you, a text message alert, etc.

Part
Becoming a Better Listener
2

1 Practice sitting in silence. If you feel uncomfortable in silence, then you'll feel internal pressure to fill that
silence with speech. You then talk too much to cope with the awkward feelings brought on by the silence.
Luckily, you can learn to sit with these feelings through practice.
Ask the people who are closest to you to sit with you in silence. Make a pact not to talk for a set period
of time. Keep doing this until you don't feel awkward anymore.

2 Be aware of the differences between listening and hearing. Hearing is strictly an auditory process.
Listening is whole, involving not only the ears, but also the heart, mind, soul, and body.[7]
Find genuine interest in being present with people you’re speaking with. Give attention, show concern,
and prepare yourself to learn something from people you interact with.
Put yourself on the back burner and listen without expectation or need to fill space with talks about
yourself.

3 Know that listening is all about the other person.[8] When you quiet your talking and place less focus
on bringing attention to yourself, you free your focus up to the person you’re talking to and for better
listening.
Good listening is 80% being patient and listening to the other person without interruption and 20%
reflecting and following up for more information.[9]
Be fully present in those moments, without thinking about the past, future, or your intentions, focus
solely on the person speaking to you.

4 Observe body language and tones.[10] Picking up changes in baseline behavior like a person’s voice,
face, or body language is something good listeners are great at doing. Adapt to those changes accordingly
as you listen.
If the speaker, your friend, has tension in their voice, face, or body language suddenly, it’s up to you to
appear non-confrontational and relaxed to mellow out the situation.[11]
If the speaker, or your friend, seems emotionally charged and is raising his or her voice suddenly, nod
your head in concern or lean forward to make the person feel like they have support in their emotions.

5 Practice being accepting and non-judgmental. When you listen to someone without being judgmental in
your responses, you prevent them from shutting down and help them feel a sense of freedom and
acceptance. You also gain acceptance from them too.[12]
Show respect to the other person and contribute to the conversation instead of rebuking them for beliefs
you might not ordinarily agree with. Keep in mind that facial expressions like a visible wince, eye rolls, or
body language that shows tension speaks as loudly as any verbal judgmental response would.
Accepting someone’s ideas does not necessarily mean you agree with them. Keep in mind that
understanding through listening does not mean your opinions become mutual in sync with one another.

6 Check yourself on whether or not things should be left unsaid. Rationally decide when it is okay to
listen and when it is okay to respond and ask follow-up questions. Timing and restraint is everything.[13]
Think of the outcome of talking, will it affect the conversation and relationship positively or negatively?
Never let your desire to impress ruin how you relate to people.
Use the following question as a guideline to help you talk less: “Am I wanting to talk to add true content
or am I just trying to fill up space?”
 Part
Participating in Everyday Conversations
3

1 Show your willingness to listen.[14] When the other person hints that they want to talk, do something to
show that they have your full, undivided attention. Close the book you’re reading or put down your phone.
Make sure your body language reads fully engaged. Lean forward slightly and maintain eye contact as
they speak to you.[15]
Smile softly if the tone of the conversation calls for it and give an occasional nod to show that you’re
listening without talking to interrupt.[16]
To show that you understand what’s being said, summarize and repeat what was said to you by
paraphrasing.[17]

2 Think before you respond. Always try as much as possible to think twice before you speak. Listen to
others, understand the topic, and be sure of what you want to contribute.[18]
Avoid saying way more than you have to be by taking a moment to reflect after the speaker asks you for
your opinion.
Pause for a beat, even say aloud the words “Give me a minute to think about it”. Reflect, exercise
restraint, and then add your two cents to the conversation.[19]

3 Refrain from interrupting people when they talk. Interrupting looks like talking over someone or putting
your thoughts into the conversation before it was your turn. Let the person talk, you will get your turn to
contribute and avoid making the other person feel invalidated in the process.[20]
If you're trying to interrupt someone while they're talking, try bookmarking it as a mental note until
they're done. If you'd rather have something tangible, use a notepad or your phone to jot down your
thoughts and talk about them when it's your turn to speak.[21]
Try to catch yourself in moments where you interrupt the other person. Look at them for facial cues, like
an eye roll or a glance to the side, to keep you alert about your actions. Once you catch yourself, just
say, "Oh, I'm sorry, go on." or "My bad, go ahead."[22]

4 Talk when it is appropriate. Try to stay on topic. Discuss what makes sense and try to stay away from
examples that may seem irrelevant, unreasonable, and ambiguous. Give simple facts and clear logic that
will help the listener to gain some sense.
Use natural breaks of silence in conversation and the context of the conversation as guidelines of when
to talk. If someone is venting to you, it’s probably not a great time to talk about a rave you have been
trying to attend for weeks.
If you don’t know what you want to say, ask more investigative questions, such as what does this mean?
Who can we hold responsible, how and why? This encourages the person to speak more.[23] Try to ask
open-ended questions, as they allow the person to speak more while allowing you to speak less.

Community Q&A

Question

I'm so talkative. My husband irritates me so many times. How can I control my tongue?

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer

Start by being aware of your emotions. You may even be talking more due to your irritation. Before you talk to your
husband, take some time to calm down. Then, consider why you are getting irritated. By being self-aware, you can
gain control over your talkativeness.

Question

How do I stop saying the wrong thing in a conversation?

Community Answer

Have a personal filter. Think before you speak. Know how your comments will affect the person you are speaking to
before making them.