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Whatever Happened to “What Might Have Been”?

Regrets, Happiness, and Maturity

Laura A. King and Joshua A. Hicks University of Missouri—Columbia

Although lost opportunities and mistaken expectations are simply inevitable in adult life (Stewart & Vandewater,
unpleasant to think and talk about, these experiences may 1999). Rather than stopping with the conclusion that regret
have a role to play in personality development. Drawing on is negatively related to well-being, we suggest that the
research using narratives of lost possible selves, the au- capacity to acknowledge what is regrettable in life emerges
thors review the relations of regrettable experiences to 2 from maturity and contributes to maturation itself.
important and independent aspects of maturity, happiness In this article, we address the role of what might have
and complexity. Thinking about a lost possible self is been in adult development. We first present goal change as
related to concurrent regrets, distress, and lowered well- a developmental opportunity in adulthood. We use the
being; however, elaborating on a lost possible self is re- construct of possible selves as a way to examine the con-
lated, concurrently, to complexity and predicts complexity, tribution of goal change to adult development. We then
prospectively, over time. In this article, the authors de- discuss our approach to maturity as encompassing both
scribe the role that regrettable experiences have in pro- happiness and complexity, and we present evidence for the
moting both happiness and complexity. Finally, expanding relations of possible selves to these two sides of maturity.
on previous work, the authors examine potential affor- Our main focus is on the adult’s capacity to confront lost
dances of happy maturity and suggest psychological ca- goals, or lost possible selves, as an indicator of maturity
pacities that may promote happy maturity. and a portent of personality development. Reflecting on
one’s mistaken expectations poses costs to happiness, but
Keywords: personality development, maturity, goals, regrets that work, the articulation of what might have been, may
A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not have benefits in terms of the complexity of a person’s
only to be right but also to be wrong. —Thomas Szasz sensibility and, perhaps, the very meaning of happiness
itself. That there is value in loss is more than a platitude.
. . . by the time you reach my age, you’ve made plenty of mistakes Although it may be a peculiarly American instinct to search
if you’ve lived your life properly. —Ronald Reagan for the positive in any negative event (McAdams, 2006),
we argue that the active, self-reflective struggle to see the
silver lining is a key ingredient of maturity.

D uring an April 13th, 2004, press conference, Pres-


ident George W. Bush was asked to name the
biggest mistake he had made since September
11th, 2001. Bush was, famously, flummoxed, finally ad-
mitting that although he was sure he had made a mistake,
Goal Change as a Developmental
Opportunity
Goals provide an ideal context for examining the role of
what might have been in adult development. Goal engage-
he could not think of a single one. Mistakes, failures, and ment relates strongly to enhanced well-being, but it also
erroneous expectations: These are experiences associated opens an individual to challenges, difficulty, and even the
with regret, disappointment, and even humiliation, cer- promise of failure. No matter how well chosen or doggedly
tainly not the most appealing topic for thought or conver- pursued they are, goals do not always work out. Working
sation. Such experiences might best be considered “water toward goals includes not only potential fulfillment but also
under the bridge”— experiences one might, like President failure, disappointment, and, of course, regret over incen-
Bush, safely tuck away in some remote corner of memory. tives one did not pursue instead and time and energy
And why not? Dwelling on life’s “if only”s (e.g., “if only
I hadn’t,” “if only I could,” “if only I wasn’t”) seems a sure
recipe for misery. If contentment were the sole goal of Laura A. King and Joshua A. Hicks, Department of Psychological Sci-
ences, University of Missouri—Columbia.
adulthood, examining life’s regrettable experiences might Preparation of this article and the research described within it were
seem to have little value. supported by National Institute of Mental Health Grant R29-54142 and
Of course, considering life’s losses can engender re- National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism Grant T32
gret, which shares a robust negative relationship with psy- AA13526.
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Laura
chological well-being (Gilovich, Medvec, & Kahneman, A. King, 210 McAlester Hall, Department of Psychological Sciences,
1998; Lecci, Okun, & Karoly, 1994). However, one might University of Missouri—Columbia, Columbia, MO 65201. E-mail:
argue that disappointment, mistakes, and even regret are kingla@missouri.edu

October 2007 ● American Psychologist 625


Copyright 2007 by the American Psychological Association 0003-066X/07/$12.00
Vol. 62, No. 7, 625– 636 DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.62.7.625
themselves prior to a life-changing experience and the goals
that currently motivate their lives.
Lost and Found Possible Selves
To examine the role of goal change in adulthood, we have
relied on the construct of possible selves. Possible selves are
defined as personalized representations of important life goals
(Markus & Nurius, 1986; Ruvolo & Markus, 1992). Possible
selves encompass not only the goals we are seeking but all of
the imaginable futures we might occupy. Possible selves serve
as cognitive resources that motivate the self throughout adult
development (Cross & Markus, 1991).
In our research, we have drawn on samples of adults
who have experienced significant life changes, including
parents of children with Down syndrome (DS), women
who have experienced divorce after marriages of more than
20 years, and gay men and lesbians. In these studies,
community adults have been recruited via newspaper ads
and organizational meetings to participate in a study of
goals and well-being. Participants have completed mail-in
surveys containing measures of well-being and personality
Laura A. King development (described further below) as well as a series
of written narratives. In addition, to address prospective
relations, participants were recontacted two years later to
complete the questionnaire measures a second time. Al-
wasted on fruitless endeavors (see King & Burton, 2003, though these individuals differ in many ways, they share a
for a review). Not knowing when to disengage from a goal common feature: They have all experienced a significant
can lead to distress and an inability to engage in new goals change in the possible self landscape of their lives.
(e.g., Klinger, 1977; Koole & Kuhl, in press). In this research, participants have generated written
Clearly, sometimes, cutting one’s losses is good idea. narratives of two possible selves—namely, their current
Innumerable Hollywood movie lines notwithstanding, best possible self and an unattainable best possible self that
sometimes failure is, indeed, an option. A hallmark of they may have once cherished, or a lost possible self. For
successful self-regulation may be the ability to flexibly example, an individual who finds himself rearing a child
pursue goals, disengaging from life goals that no longer with DS may be forced by circumstance to relinquish
include the possibility of fulfillment (e.g., King, 1996). Yet, aspects of a treasured possible self (“grandfather,” “busi-
when faced with goal failure, rather than disengage, people ness partner with my son”). Narrative descriptions of these
are likely to redouble their efforts (Brunstein & Gollwitzer, lost possible selves tap into individuals’ subjective assess-
1996; Emmons, Colby, & Kaiser, 1998). These results ment of what has been a primary source of motivation in
speak to the power of goals in our lives, but they also point their lives. Lost possible selves represent the person’s
to the challenge of letting go of a lost cause. memory of a self they would have pursued “if only . . . .”1
Disengaging from cherished goals is difficult, involv- Using these narratives, we have examined two aspects
ing the recognition that one’s abilities and life circum- of possible selves—salience and elaboration. A salient pos-
stances simply will never lead to one’s hoped for future. sible self is one that is frequently activated in the working
Relinquishing a goal means surrendering rewards that one
had previously invested with value, accepting one’s mis-
1
taken expectations about the future, and, perhaps, reevalu- The instructions we use to generate best possible self narratives are
the following (e.g., King & Raspin, 2004):
ating one’s place in the world. Yet freedom from regret
requires that one truly divest oneself of ties to those lost We would like you to consider the life you imagine for yourself currently,
cherished ends (Wrosch, Bauer, & Scheier, 2005). and in the future. What sorts of things do you hope for and dream about?
The crisis of goal change can be viewed as one of Imagine that your life has gone as well as it possibly could have. You have
adulthood’s “teachable moments”: an opportunity to develop worked hard and achieved your goals. Think of this as your “best possible
life” or your “happily ever after.”
as a person. If adulthood is defined as some (moveable)
ending spot (i.e., the “you are here” X that marks one’s current The instructions for the lost possible selves are variations on the
place on the map of one’s life) in development, we might say following:
that when goals become untenable, we are moved to consult
that imaginary map. At such times, we might ask the questions We would like you to consider your future as you imagined it before [the
life changing event]. Try to remember how you imagined your future to
“How did I get here?” and “Where am I heading?” In our be. What sorts of things did you hope for and dream about for your life?
research, we have posed just such questions to our partici- Think of this as your “best possible life” or your happily ever after, if you
pants, inviting them to describe the goals they imagined for had not experienced [the event].

626 October 2007 ● American Psychologist


self-concept and is chronically available to the person—a meaning structures. Thus, assimilation and its affective
relatively constant source of motivation (or regret). Sa- consequences may reinforce one’s approach to life and
lience is measured through self-report, by simply asking ultimately contribute to subjective well-being.
individuals to rate how much they currently think about Of course, life does not always conform to our expec-
that possible self, how easy it is for them to imagine, and tations. When experience is incongruent with existing cog-
so forth. Possible self salience provides a means of gauging nitive structures, it is necessary to modify current ways of
goal engagement (or disengagement). Elaboration, in con- thinking. Accommodation refers to this process—when
trast, refers to the richness of the narrative the person has existing cognitive structures are modified or new structures
generated. Elaboration is judged by independent raters, are developed. When assimilation fails, the person may
coding these protocols on dimensions such as vividness, change the self to accommodate the new experience. Ac-
emotionality, and detail (e.g., King & Smith, 2004). This commodation has been viewed as the mechanism underly-
measure allows us to examine the work of exploring loss ing changes in ego development over time. Research has
and the active construction of possible selves. shown that ego development is related to experiencing a
Lost possible selves, essentially autobiographical variety of life events (e.g., Helson, 1992; Helson & Rob-
memories of once cherished goals, fit into the larger con- erts, 1994; von der Lippe, 1998). In narratives of life
text of autobiographical memory, which has been recog- transition, accommodation is evidenced in the admission
nized as important to identity, personal meaning, and the that one has been truly challenged by life experiences, that
self (e.g., James, 1890/1950; McAdams, 2001, 2006; Pa- one has been forced by circumstance to actively shift one’s
supathi, 2001). Indeed, Conway (1996) suggested that the sources of meaning (King, Scollon, Ramsey, & Williams,
adequacy of autobiographical knowledge depends on its 2000). Accommodating life’s previously incomprehensible
ability to support and promote continuity and development events may be painful and difficult, yet it may be a neces-
of the self. We tend to revise our histories in a self- sary component of development. The process of fully ac-
aggrandizing (Ross, 1989; Wilson & Ross, 2003) but also commodating an experience would seem to culminate with
self-consistent fashion (Christenson, Wood, & Barrett, a reinstatement of assimilation such that through one’s new
2003). Memory is key to the experience of the self as perspective, life is once again comprehensible.
continuous and stable (Barclay, 1996; Bluck & Habermas, In the language of goals, we might say that assimila-
2001; Conway, 1996; Fivush, 1998). tion is the process by which goals provide a continuous,
In asking individuals about lost possible selves— coherent through-line in a person’s life, promoting a sense
those inconsistent aspects of the past that are no longer a of well-being. In contrast, accommodation is reflected in
source of fulfillment—we are, in a sense, challenging the thoughtful examination of lost goals and the reconstruction
central role of memory as a source of stability and consis- of and reinvestment in new goals, commensurate with what
tency. In our research, we have posed this potentially one has lost. Challenging life events may spur individuals
uncomfortable question: “How great would your life have to reprioritize and reenvision their possible futures.
been if only . . . [e.g., you hadn’t gotten divorced, your Accommodative self-reflection, spurred by goal dis-
child didn’t have DS, you were straight and not gay]?” By ruption, may lead to increasing levels of understanding.
focusing on a once hoped for future that is no longer The construction of a new future toward which to strive—
available, we challenge our participants to recall these that is, engagement with a new best possible self—would
mistaken expectations and elaborate on what might have then indicate that an individual has fully accommodated the
been—to describe those goals that seemed like a really loss. Thus, we might expect that the salience and elabora-
good idea, at the time. These data allow for an examination tion of lost and found possible selves might relate in
of possible self engagement and elaboration as they relate important ways to development. Before describing the re-
to maturity concurrently and over time. To illuminate the lations of these possible self variables to adult develop-
ways that these goal processes may be understood as de- ment, our approach to maturity warrants discussion.
velopmental in nature, it may be helpful to examine the
place of these ideas in more general notions of personality Happiness and Complexity: Two
development. Sides of Maturity
Mechanisms of Adult Personality Characterizing change in adulthood as development re-
Development: A Goal Perspective quires that we specify what we mean by mature. In our
view, maturity is a multifaceted construct. Here we focus
The processes underlying the contribution of goal change on two aspects of the person that may be perceived as
to personality development may be understood within the components of maturity, happiness (or, more formally [in
larger framework of personality development presented by our research], subjective well-being) and complexity (or
Block (1982). In an eloquent essay, Block described how ego development). Happiness and complexity certainly do
the Piagetian processes of assimilation and accommodation not exhaust all of the characteristics that one might asso-
characterize personality development. In assimilation, ex- ciate with maturity (or the good life, more generally; Ryff
isting cognitive structures are used to make sense out of the & Singer, 1998). However, these two sides of maturity are
current environment. Assimilation allows a person to enjoy especially important to the consideration of the role of what
a sense of meaning because experiences fit into preexisting might have been to development, for they allow us to

October 2007 ● American Psychologist 627


relation to satisfaction would seem to make it less than
appealing. While acknowledging the importance of happi-
ness to maturity, in considering the importance of examin-
ing what might have been to adult development, we must
consider other potentially valuable developmental out-
comes, such as insight, wisdom, character, virtue, or a
broad, complex sensibility.
The distinction drawn here resonates with Aristotle’s
classic distinction (in the Nichomachean Ethics; trans.
1962) between eudaimonia and hedonism, particularly as it
has been applied to research on well-being (e.g., Ryan &
Deci, 2001; Ryff & Singer, 1998). For Aristotle, hedonism
(the pursuit of pleasure) was distinct from the experience of
happiness that emerges from the expression of virtue.
Within psychology, eudaimonia has typically been defined
as fulfillment that comes from engagement in meaningful
activity and the actualization of one’s potential (e.g., Ryan
& Deci, 2001). Eudaimonia is characterized as living in
accord with one’s true self or enacting one’s deeply held
values (Waterman, 1993). Hedonics, in contrast, is viewed
Joshua A. as focusing on positive feelings per se.
Hicks Although, theoretically, eudaimonia ought to be sep-
arable from hedonic happiness, empirically this has rarely
been demonstrated. Rather, most research has shown the
relationship of eudaimonic variables (e.g., intrinsic moti-
examine two domains in which possible self investment, vation, engagement in organismic pursuits, endorsing in-
disengagement, and exploration may promote differing trinsic vs. extrinsic values) to measures of hedonic well-
outcomes. being (Kasser & Ryan, 1993, 1996; Ryan & Deci, 2000,
Theoretical models of development often include an 2001; Ryan, Koestner, & Deci, 1991). In short, this re-
implicit sense that development culminates in positive feel- search has shown that individuals engaged in eudaimonic
ings. Certainly, Erikson (1968) did not include happiness pursuits enjoy higher levels of hedonic well-being.
as a criterion for personality development, but it is not An examination of the role of what might have been (a
difficult to imagine that a person who has attained trust, topic likely to engender regret) requires us to examine
autonomy, initiative, industry, identity, intimacy, genera- variables that are not assumed, a priori, to relate to happi-
tivity, and integrity is going to be happier than the unfor- ness. If we wish to argue that happiness might be sacrificed
tunate soul who ended up on the other side of those in the pursuit of other developmental outcomes, at the very
psychosocial conflicts. Moreover, subjective well-being in- least these outcomes must, themselves, be independent of
creases with age (e.g., Mroczek, 2001; Mroczek & Kolarz, happiness.
1998; Mroczek & Spiro, 2005; Vaillant, 1994; Vaillant & Therefore, to assess this “other side” of maturity, we
Mukamal, 2001). Carstensen’s (e.g., Carstensen, Fung, & have relied on Loevinger’s (1976) construct of ego devel-
Charles, 2003) socioemotional selectivity theory recog- opment. Ego development refers to the level of complexity
nizes the enhanced capacities for emotion regulation that with which one experiences oneself and the world (Loe-
allow individuals to optimize the positive aspects of their vinger, 1976).2 The essence of the ego is “the striving
lives as they age. Similarly, in her conceptualization of to master, to integrate, and make sense of experience”
adult development, Labouvie-Vief and Medler (2002) de- (Loevinger, 1976, p. 59). As ego level increases, the indi-
scribed the highest level of development (integrated in vidual’s organismic frame of reference becomes more com-
their terms) as being characterized by high levels of posi- plex.
tive affect and low levels of negative affect. These ap- Ego development conforms to the classic definition of
proaches provide a conceptual sense that increases in well- development as a movement from relative simplicity to
being in adulthood are, in fact, developmental changes. ever increasing levels of differentiation and integration
There is, then, good reason to consider happiness as (Lerner, 1998). At the earliest stages of ego development,
one component of maturity. But happiness is not every- individuals are dominated by impulses and engage in sim-
thing (Ryff, 1989). Certainly, there are aspects of maturity plistic thinking. With development come the abilities to
that might not be captured by happiness (e.g., compassion,
integrity, insight). Some of the most valued activities of 2
adulthood do not relate in simple ways to how happy a Although Loevinger described ego development levels as particular
types, in our work, nonlinear relationships have never emerged. There-
person is. In his treatise on the meanings of life, Baumeister fore, we refer to ego development as a continuous variable, with lower
(1991) mused over the apparent paradox of parenthood. scores indicating relatively less complex views of self and world and
Though parenthood is clearly an important activity, its higher levels indicating increasing complexity.

628 October 2007 ● American Psychologist


control and channel impulses. People at the higher stages of the complexities of life without necessarily feeling partic-
ego development recognize that life’s lessons are contex- ularly good about that life. We view ego development and
tualized and that life’s big questions may have a variety of subjective well-being as important and independent aspects
valid answers. Ego development involves an increasing of maturity, with the convergence of these two constructs
capacity to recognize conflict and experience ambivalence. likely capturing a fuller sense of what it means to be
Identity and mutuality become concerns at the highest mature. How, then, do these two aspects of maturity relate
stages, leading to a more expansive view of the self and to the adult’s capacity to acknowledge what might have
world. Ego development has been described as the devel- been?
opment of character (Westen, 1998). Ego development has
been shown to increase with age, but that increase is Lost and Found Possible Selves,
increasingly unlikely as individuals leave young adulthood Happiness, and Personality
(Cohn, 1998; Loevinger et al., 1985). Ego development Development
relates to openness to experience; increased compassion,
intellectuality, and tolerance (Helson & Roberts, 1994; Generally speaking, pursuing and progressing on important
Helson & Wink, 1987); articulateness; intuition and subli- goals is associated with enhanced subjective well-being
mation (Vaillant & McCollough, 1987); empathy; and the (e.g., Emmons et al., 1998). Thus, not surprisingly, results
capacity for interpersonal connectedness (Carlozzi, Gaa, & with regard to the salience of possible selves have shown a
Liberman, 1983; Pals & John, 1998). strong relationship between the salience of current possible
Just as subjective well-being does not capture all of selves and subjective well-being. For example, salience of
the characteristics associated with maturity, ego develop- the current best possible selves was concurrently related to
ment, in the absence of subjective well-being, also falls subjective well-being for the parents of children with DS
short of some ideals of maturity. The complex ego, over- (King & Pattersen, 2000), divorced women (King &
whelmed by conflict and ambivalence or left disillusioned Raspin, 2004), and gay men and lesbians (King & Smith,
by life’s difficult lessons, misses central aspects of maturity 2004). These results converge with a broad array of studies
such as self-acceptance and contentment. to suggest that investing in one’s current goals is a strong
It is vitally important for our purposes that ego devel- correlate of happiness. Interestingly, in the gay and lesbian
opment is independent of subjective well-being (Helson & sample, the salience of the current best possible selves (i.e.,
Wink, 1987; King et al., 2000; Noam, 1998; Vaillant & the gay best possible selves, for these participants) was also
McCullough, 1987). Thinking about what might have been correlated with being “out of the closet” such that more
is likely to foster feelings of regret and even distress. To “out” individuals tended to have more salient identity-
examine the value of such activity to maturity requires that consistent goals. The salience of the gay best possible
we include a measure of an aspect of maturity on which a selves partially mediated the relation between outness and
person can score highly even if he or she is not necessarily subjective well-being (King & Smith, 2004).
happy. Although the independence of ego development In contrast, failure to disengage from lost goals is
from measures of adjustment is sometimes viewed as a associated with lowered well-being. The salience of (or
weakness of the measure (e.g., Noam, 1998), this lack of level of current engagement in) the lost possible self has
relationship is precisely why the construct is ideal for our been associated with lowered subjective well-being,
purposes. heightened distress, and increased regret for divorced
One way in which happiness may be privileged over women and gay men and lesbians (King & Raspin, 2004;
complexity in the mental life of the developing person is King & Smith, 2004), even controlling for current best
that happiness is available to awareness (Larsen & possible self engagement. In addition, gay individuals with
Fredrickson, 1999). We know when we are happy or un- very salient straight possible selves were more likely to be
happy. In contrast, we simply cannot ask a person how “in the closet.” These results jibe with past research relat-
complex his or her experience of the self and world is. ing goal disengagement to lowered regret (Wrosch et al.,
Thus, while well-being is typically measured using self- 2005). Clearly, thinking about lost possible selves is no
report questionnaires, ego development is measured using way to be happy. Individuals who maintain engagement in
the Sentence Completion Test (Hy & Loevinger, 1996). On possible selves that are simply “not in the cards” tend to
this measure, participants are asked to complete stems, show the typical effects of regret on well-being.
such as “When they talked about sex, I . . .” and “What gets Thus, one aspect of maturity, happiness, requires that
me into trouble is . . . .” The items are independently scored individuals truly divest themselves of previously sought
by raters trained using the guidelines provided by Hy and after goals; however, another aspect of maturity, ego de-
Loevinger. Although time-consuming, this measure has velopment, may require an examination of these very goals.
been shown to track changes in personality and complexity Recall that in addition to self-reported salience of each
over time (e.g., Gilmore & Durkin, 2001; Helson & Rob- possible self, we have coded the narratives provided for
erts, 1994). level of elaboration (e.g., detail, vividness). Controlling for
Ego complexity is conceptually, empirically, and self-rated salience, lost possible self elaboration has been
methodologically distinct from well-being. A person can be shown to correlate with ego development. For instance, gay
quite happy without necessarily adopting a complex stance men and lesbians who described an elaborate straight pos-
toward the self and the world. Similarly, one can embrace sible self scored higher in concurrently measured ego de-

October 2007 ● American Psychologist 629


velopment (King & Smith, 2004). In a related vein, parents of elaborating on a lost possible self, disengaging fully
of children with DS who were able to elaborate on their lost from that self, and committing to a new best possible future
possible selves were more likely to report growing as a toward which to strive as the fruition of the difficult work
result of the experience of having a child with DS (King & of accommodation, then the happy and complex person is
Patterson, 2000). one who has fully accommodated the loss of previously
Interestingly, among divorced women, lost possible cherished goals. Happiness is associated with commitment
self elaboration related to current ego development in in- to current goals, disengagement from lost goals, and focus
teraction with time since the divorce (King & Raspin, on the good that is yet to come. Ego development is related
2004). Time is, as usual, “of the essence.” For women who to the capacity to acknowledge loss and expound on one’s
had only recently divorced, a highly elaborate lost possible previously cherished goals. In a sense, these results suggest
self might simply demonstrate good memory for recently a paradox— one must generate an elaborate portrait of loss
lost goals. Importantly, then, lost possible self elaboration while not thinking about that loss. Once again, time may be
was related to higher levels of concurrent ego development important. Perhaps thinking about what might have been is
only in interaction with time. Among these women, ego indeed a recipe for regret, but that temporary sacrifice of
development related specifically to narrating a long-lost happiness may ultimately pay off in a richer, more complex
aspect of the self with rich, vivid detail. Eaborating on self. For happy, complex individuals, what might have
goals that may once have held the promise of positive been is a vivid image full of lost promise, but this image is,
affect is a correlate of ego development and personal perhaps, crowded out of mental life by the exciting pros-
growth, concurrently. The more mature ego is apparently pect of what still might be.
not threatened by the contradictory aspects of the self that
are made salient when one is writing about a lost possible The Happy, Complex Adult
self. The individual who has made him or herself vulnerable to
Prospective Analyses acknowledged regret can be seen to adopt a courageous
stance toward life: Despite acknowledging the risks of
In addition to looking at these samples cross-sectionally, expecting anything from life, the happy and complex per-
we have examined how adults’ constructions of current and son maintains a heroic commitment to continue to do just
lost goals predict subjective well-being and ego develop- that. In the context of an elaborate lost possible self, current
ment over two years. With regard to happiness, few pro- goal engagement takes on a different character. Such pur-
spective relations have been identified. Rather, one’s cur- suits are a source of well-being, but they emerge within the
rent mental life appears to be more strongly related to one’s ruins of previously cherished goals. The happy and com-
overall feelings of happiness (although, notably, lingering plex person acknowledges fully a past characterized by loss
engagement in the straight possible self prospectively pre- but is also deeply engaged in the present. The following
dicted distress in the gay and lesbian sample; King & longer excerpt from the lost possible self of a happy and
Smith, 2004). Generally speaking, the salience of one’s complex mother of a child with DS provides an illustration
current best possible self and lost possible self are the key of the process of accommodation fully acknowledged in the
correlates of well-being. context of a happy life:
However, the work of accommodation, as revealed in
the elaboration of a lost possible self, has been shown to I was on the road to self discovery. . . . I was searching for a little
predict increased ego development, prospectively. Among more purpose. Being a mother, being a wife, being a nurse was
divorced women, lost possible self elaboration predicted not enough: I wanted to fulfill my destiny. I wanted to continue on
enhanced ego development in interaction with time (and the search for self actualization. Well [my son] came along.
controlling for Time 1 ego development as well as age and Everything was tested, values, beliefs, friendships, wedding vows,
etc. Much growth, difficult growth, lots of confusion, but I am on
whether the woman initiated the divorce), prospectively,
the other side now. . . . I am right back on track and could not be
over two years (King & Raspin, 2004). Among gay men happier. I’m stronger—I’m more experienced and, God knows,
and lesbians, an elaborate straight possible self predicted I’m much more compassionate and humble.
increased ego development two years later, even after
controlling for Time 1 ego development as well as a variety Exploring the narrative accounts provided by indi-
of potential confounds (including age, education, and so- viduals who score relatively high on measures of well-
cioeconomic status; King & Smith, 2004). These results being as well as ego development gives a sense for the
suggest that being able to elaborate on lost goals not only distinctive features of these individuals and their ap-
reveals a capacity of the developed ego but may also reveal proach to lost and found goals. A first notable example
processes that lead to enhanced ego development over is the use of humor in what are, more generally, trau-
time. matic narratives. In her description of finding out that
In sum, if maturity includes both happiness and com- her child had DS, a happy, complex mother noted, “I
plexity, then the mature person is one who acknowledges laugh at this now because I was 33 years old but I called
loss (an elaborate lost possible self) but is not consumed by my parents. I think I wanted them to fix things. They
it (the lost possible self is rated low on salience) and who were good at it in the past” (quoted in King et al., 2000,
maintains a commitment to important current goals (a p. 532). The lost possible selves of these individuals also
salient best possible self). If we consider the goal processes are likely to contain gentle humor: “Actually, realizing I

630 October 2007 ● American Psychologist


was going to be a parent again at age 40 was about as growth has often been relegated to the realm of self-help
traumatic as learning our child had DS.” books or pop psychology. Increasingly, however, the active
Ego development brings a keen perception that, in role of the person in his or her development has been
conjunction with happiness, may allow the person open- acknowledged (e.g., Brandstadter, Wentura, & Rother-
ness to the comfort of the physical world. Among the mund, 1999; Ebner, Freund, & Baltes, 2006; Freund &
happy and complex parents of children with DS, a sense of Riediger, 2006). To the extent that development is an
awe is expressed, typically, in the physical appearance of intentional process, the distinction between personality de-
their children: “I stripped off all of his clothes and just velopment and personal growth blurs (King, 2002;
looked at him. He was beautiful”; “To me, he looked Staudinger & Kunzmann, 2005). From this perspective,
beautiful”; “He was perfect”; “He was not the monster I development may be at least partially understood as a
expected, he was beautiful.” personal choice, relying on the commitment of the person
The theme of compassion toward others who have (Levenson & Crumpler, 1996).
suffered is a common one in the possible self narratives Acknowledging the role of the individual in his or her
of the happy and complex, but perhaps more distinctive own development, we can consider capacities that might
of this group is the compassionate stance that they take relate to development through goal change. Generally,
with regard to the previous version of the self who is these capacities involve willingness or readiness to ac-
described in their lost possible self narratives. Ego de- knowledge the unexpected, the unimaginable, the unde-
velopment in the absence of the glow of happiness may served, and the unwilled, coupled with an admission of
foster an unusually brutal perspective on a former self: vulnerability—that one has been truly touched and changed
“I was 37 and knew the statistics but foolishly believed by life experience. All of these capacities relate in impor-
that nothing bad could ever happen to me” (from a tant ways to the experience of and capacity to admit regret
mother of a child with DS). While those high on ego and legitimate loss.
development and low on subjective well-being perceive The Necessity of Trouble
that self as “foolish” or “misguided” or even “stupid,”
ego development paired with subjective well-being Speaking specifically from the perspective of story, Bruner
brings a more compassionate view of the self to the (1999) stated that stories can only function as a source of
fore—a self who can, perhaps, be excused for her na- identity and meaning when there is some disturbance or
iveté. As one happy, complex mother of children with imbalance—this creates the engine of story (Labov &
DS opened her lost possible self narrative, “Should I say Waletzky, 1997). The violation of expectations sets in
I was an idiot? My life would have been boring? I had no motion those behaviors we can perform to restore order or
idea what the life was that I was dreaming about.” to find a new order—to experience a true “turning point.”
As one embraces the losses in one’s life, those Research on difficult life experiences, stress, and coping
losses can be transformed into sources of deep gratitude supports this idea (Aldwin & Gilmer, 2004; Helson, 1992;
(McCullough, Kilpatrick, Emmons, & Larson, 2001). Helson & Roberts, 1994; Helson & Wink, 1987).
Gratitude may be the hallmark of the ultimate transcen- Among those who scored high on subjective well-
dence (and capacity for resolution and happiness) of the being but relatively low on ego development (those who
developed ego. A happy, complex mother of a child with might be considered complacent or happy but simple in
DS commented, about her son, “He is as much or more their orientation to the self and the world), a common
of blessing to our family as any child could be” (quoted theme in lost possible selves is a tendency to mitigate regret
in King et al., 2000, p. 523). Such a statement, in the by focusing on goals that are still available (“All of these
context of high ego development, is not likely to repre- goals are still attainable, even though we have a child with
sent defensiveness or Pollyannaism but, rather, the le- DS”; “I can still accomplish all of these goals as a gay
gitimate discovery of the genuinely positive aspects of person”). In a sense, these individuals seem to deny that
one’s multifaceted life. McAdams (2006) has chronicled trouble has occurred. In addition, individuals who are
the American love of redemptive life stories, stories of happy but low on ego development explicitly mention
triumph over adversity and of good things emerging out living in the “now” and not wanting to dwell on the past,
of bad. He has noted that such stories, while related to again separating the past from current life.
generativity and a productive and caring approach to life In contrast, among participants high on both well-
(McAdams, 2006), may also indicate arrogance and self- being and ego development is an acknowledgement of the
righteousness. Importantly, in the studies reviewed here, profound work that has often been fostered by a challeng-
the positives that emerge from loss arise out of an ing life experience. For example, in describing his straight
acknowledgment of that loss (see Janoff-Bulman & possible self, one happy, complex gay man commented
Berg, 1998, for a similar perspective). about the difficulties of being a gay person in a homopho-
bic society:
Psychological Requirements for Adult It forced me to do some very difficult work in analyses and
Development accepting myself as a person who faces prejudice. As a straight
person, my life would be much more contented, peaceful, and
Personality development has long been the purview of happy. I don’t know that I would ever have felt the need to do all
personality and developmental psychologists, but personal the work I have done.

October 2007 ● American Psychologist 631


Surprise envy about what one cannot have (“that really would be a
happily ever after” from a gay man) and deep frustration
Reducing uncertainty, maximizing controllability and pre- over unmet expectations (e.g., “It was not some fairy tale or
dictability—these have been recognized as central human storybook. It was a realistic expectation of love and re-
motives (Festinger, 1957; Heider, 1958; Heine, Proulx, & spect!” from a divorced woman). Such individuals demon-
Vohs, 2006; Kelley, 1971; Kruglanski & Webster, 1996). strate lingering commitment to what might have been that
Yet development may require that we fail to achieve a can be viewed as limiting both happiness and complexity.
perfectly routine existence. Loevinger (1976) stated that Humility may allow the individual to surrender the notion
only when the environment fails to meet the person’s that one deserved something better from others, from one-
expectations can development occur. Implicit in this defi- self, and perhaps, quite simply, from life itself.
nition is the experience of surprise. Human beings cannot
know or predict everything. Miscalculations are a certainty Courage
in life. Surprise or the capacity to admit being surprised by Perhaps ironically, given our emphasis on surprise and
life would appear to be essential to personality develop- humility, another requirement for active development
ment in adulthood. Among those who are low on both would seem to be courage. Both aspects of maturity require
subjective well-being and ego development (those who fall this important but little-studied strength (but see Maddi,
short of both aspects of maturity), a common theme in lost 2006). Admitting that one had perhaps foolishly embraced
possible selves includes denial of ever having expected an untenable future self is threatening. Undertaking the
anything from life (e.g., “I didn’t expect much” from a difficult process of self-examination would appear to re-
divorced woman; “I’m a realist” from a mother of a child quire fortitude. In addition, starting anew— having the ca-
with DS). In these narratives of lost goals, we see a reluc- pacity to expect something from life, even after one’s prior
tance to acknowledge surprise. expectations have failed—may be no less threatening.
Humility Among those low on both well-being and ego develop-
ment, the lesson learned from life experience is the sheer
Perhaps underlying the capacity for surprise is a sense of danger in expecting anything from life. These individuals
humility. Surprise requires that one admit to not knowing are more likely to admit regretting having expectations at
everything and not thinking of every possible contin- all (e.g., “I was too sure of my future” from a divorced
gency—in short, to being human. Actively accommodating woman).
life experiences requires an admission of one’s own vul- Among participants who are high on ego development
nerability, of the inadequacy of one’s preexisting meaning but low on well-being, we see insight coupled with a sense
structures in the face of the challenges of reality, and of of hopelessness or a lack of will to continue to expect from
one’s apparent smallness in the grand scheme of life. life: “There are so many things I could have accom-
Recently, scholars have argued that humility is an plished,” wrote one gay man of his straight possible self.
important psychological strength (Exline et al., 2004; Ex- Another gay man likened his straight best possible self to
line & Geyer, 2004; Schueler, 1997). Importantly, humble his brother’s life, “but he doesn’t see the truths that my
individuals are thought to have relatively positive self- father and I both could see. His life is frustrating. I see that.
views (Exline & Geyer, 2004). In their discussion of episte- My father saw that.” Happiness after a major life transition
mic egocentrism, Royzman, Cassidy, and Baron (2003) requires the courage to once again embrace life’s remaining
suggested that true humility is more about possessing an possibilities. A happy and mature mother of a child with
exalted view of the capacities of others rather than a neg- DS shared the following best possible self:
ative view of oneself. Research on humility suggests that it
I see myself on an exciting journey. I like who I am. I have many
might well converge with ego development. For example, areas that need work but for the most part I’m present and
a person who experiences humility is likely to have an attentive to my needs and dreams and goals. . . . I am finding that
accurate assessment of his or her own accomplishments giving is truly more satisfying than receiving. I have had a
and abilities (see Tangney, 2002), which might result from challenge in accepting my son’s DS. It’s taken time but uncon-
the increased, nondefensive self-insight that is associated ditional love and acceptance are truly there. . . . I want to work
with high cognitive complexity. Both humility and ego within the community to be an agent of change. We all have a
development are believed to be related to openness to new time of being a caregiver—to our children or parents, or someone.
types of information (cf. Helson & Roberts, 2004; Tang- I want to offer . . . tools for people to find their own balance and
ney, 2002). Individuals who experience humility or high peace. . . . I am quite selfish by nature: My son has opened that
ego development are considered less self-occupied and perspective—a new window for loving and caring now exists for
me. I’m proud that I have taken responsibility for my own growth.
more likely to value the “big picture” (Loevinger, 1976; (quoted in King & Hicks, 2006, p. 133)
Tangney, 2002). Moreover, both of these constructs are
thought to be associated with increased compassion and An elaborate lost possible self may be viewed, then, as
forgiveness (e.g., Exline et al., 2004; Helson & Wink, evidence of humility, courage, and ultimately faith in the
1987). Maturity may require the ability to be humbled by value of seeking meaning in life’s losses. Although we
life experience. have presented surprise, humility, and courage as prereq-
Among individuals low on both happiness and ego uisites for development, clearly these characteristics may
development, entitlement is clearly at issue in expressed share dynamic relationships with happiness and complex-

632 October 2007 ● American Psychologist


ity. Ego development may lead one to be more likely to function in the mental universe as well. Indeed, Bruner’s
approach life with a keen sensitivity or openness to conflict (1999) discussion of narratives of aging presages Hawking
between expectations and reality. Happiness may serve as and Hertog’s (2006) top-down approach to cosmology.
a resource in courageously confronting a challenging life Bruner (1999) asserted that story “makes it possible to get
experience with a sense of hope and optimism. Happiness on with ordinary ‘forward living’ by fixing it ‘backward’”
may also serve as a resource that promotes and facilitates (p. 8). Backward causation is also acknowledged in the
the difficult process of self-examination (e.g., Aspinwall & autobiographical memory literature in the realization that
Brunhart, 2000). the present and future become ever more definitive of the
past (e.g., Bluck, 2003).
Possible Self-Exploration as a This no boundaries metaphor would suggest that ex-
Developmental Process amination of not only the paths we chose (and lost) but
those we did not even consider might relate to personality
Although we have generally examined lost possible selves development. This notion resonates with the original con-
as responses to changing life circumstances, the explora- ceptualization of possible selves as all possible imagined
tion of possible selves may play a more general role in selves—self as bag lady, self as astronaut, self as mother,
development. One problem in such a focus is that it may and so forth. Our results for gay and lesbian adults are
leave the impression that the adult is, essentially, waiting informative in this regard. We asked these participants to
around to be disrupted by life events. This concern may be generate a “straight best possible self.” These individuals
mitigated by the fact that, to paraphrase a once-popular may or may not have previously embraced a straight pos-
bumper sticker, “stuff happens.” As noted previously, goal sible self (Cass, 1979). For some of these individuals, then,
investment itself would seem to enhance the chances that the straight lost possible self was a fiction. Importantly, the
“something” will indeed happen. However, it makes sense same relations emerged in this sample as did for our other
to consider not only the general attitude toward life that is samples. Perhaps these results speak to a general capacity
implied in our work but the potential role of possible self for possible self exploration to recreate one’s history—to
exploration as a developmental process per se. explore selves one had not even considered in the service of
Following Erikson, Marcia (1994, 2002) described enhanced development.
identity as emerging from a process of exploration. Al- Whether maturity can be reached via self-consciously
though exploration is generally thought of as tied to the exploring one’s possible selves is a question that remains
young adult or adolescents’ search for identity, here we for future research. A central question might be why any-
propose that possible self exploration may have a more one would intentionally embark on such an exploration if it
enduring capacity for fostering development in adulthood. is likely to engender regret. Is there a reason to value a
A recently proposed model of the universe suggests that complex sensibility even if it does not result in increases in
cosmology may serve as a useful heuristic in understanding happiness? Loevinger (1976) described ego development
the role of possible self exploration in adulthood develop- as a master trait that transforms the meaning of experi-
ment. Hawking and Hertog’s (2006; see also Gefter, 2006) ences. As a final implication of our approach, we consider
top-down, multiple universes approach to cosmology es- the possibility that the complex perspective of an individual
sentially states that because of the quantum context of the high on ego development may transform the very meaning
birth of the universe, we cannot state with any confidence of happiness itself.
how the universe began, rendering bottom-up approaches
to cosmology limited. In their no boundary theory, Hawk- Toward a Psychology of Mature
ing and Hertog propose that we begin with the current Happiness: Eudaimonia Revisited
“final state” of our universe and project backward all pos-
sible histories—all possible universes—that might give rise The intermingling of the nuanced perspective provided by
to our current state. One implication of this approach is that ego development and positive feelings of well-being may
the history of the universe that we discover is at least change the very quality of happiness itself (King, 2001).
partially determined by the questions we pose in the We suggest that the happiness of the person who is also
present. Provocatively, Hawking and Hertog have sug- high in ego development may differ qualitatively (if not
gested that the present can affect the past—that is, we can quantitatively) from that of the person low on ego devel-
create our history. If we could stand outside the universe, opment. Such happiness may be based in a realistic per-
we would have what Hawking calls an angel’s eye view, in ception of one’s life and, as such, may be more resilient in
which backward causality may exist—we could see the the face of life’s difficulties. Happiness, from this complex
present affecting the past. As Hawking noted, “Observa- perspective, may be more bittersweet, involving the recog-
tions of final states determine different histories of the nition of legitimate loss and the fragility of human inten-
universe” (quoted in Gefter, 2006, p. 30). tion. We propose that this version of happiness deserves a
Although a controversial (even audacious) approach place in the psychological consideration of the good life,
to cosmology, this theory serves well to illuminate the role and eudaimonia, in particular.
of possible self examination in the process of adult devel- As noted previously, research has shown again and
opment. If backward causation can be entertained when again that hedonic well-being is sensitive to the dynamics
considering the origins of the universe, surely it might of eudaimonia: People are, in fact, (hedonically) happier

October 2007 ● American Psychologist 633


when they are engaged in meaningful, self-expression complexity suggests that the humble, courageous admis-
(Ryan & Deci, 2000, 2001). We cannot make the same sion that we are all marked is the first step toward true
claim about the happiness of an individual high on ego maturity. Lingering engagement in lost possible selves is
development. Rather, happiness is centrally irrelevant to negatively related to happiness, but that does not preclude
the complex sensibility. However, in considering the place the possibility that exploring such experiences has impor-
of complexity in the goods of life, it is worthwhile to note tant implications for other valuable outcomes. The partic-
the implications of this facet of maturity for happiness. ipants in our studies have taught us that the very experi-
The Satisfaction With Life Scale (SWLS; Diener, ences that mark us may become a source of unexpected
Larsen, Emmons, & Griffin, 1984) is a commonly used strength and play a role in the creation of a more differen-
measure of subjective well-being that has, in fact, been tiated and integrated self. Bruner (1999) suggested that
used in all of the studies described here. One item on that development is a sign of dedication to life itself: “A life is
scale is particularly worth considering at this point: “If I a work of art, probably the greatest one we produce” (p. 7).
could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.” The happy, complex person’s palette is one that contains a
This item seems to get to the heart of the question of the rich array of color, and the mature artist, though genuinely
role of regrets in adulthood. Can one give this item a 7 on marked by life, maintains an enthusiasm to put paint to the
the typical 1–7 Likert scale? One way to do so would be to canvas of life in remarkable ways.
“forget” about what might have been, to respond as Pres-
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