Gib Sitby

THE GOOD IN BED GUIDE TO SEX AND THE
BABY YEARS. Copyright © 2010 by Hilda Hutcherson.

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Cover design by Jen Wink, book design by Emily Blair

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ISBN 978-0-9843221-4-5 (e-book)
Disclaimer: This book contains advice and infor-

mation relating to sexual health and interpersonal
well-being. It is not intended to replace medical or
psychotherapeutic advice and should be used to sup-
plement rather than replace regular care by your doctor
or mental health professional. While all efforts have
been made to ensure the accuracy of the information
contained in this book as of the date of publication,
the publisher and the author are not responsible for
any adverse effects or consequences that may occur as a
result of applying the methods suggested in this book.
About the Author
Hilda Hutcherson is a native of Tuskegee, Alabama.
A graduate of Stanford University and Harvard
medical School, she is presently a Clinical Professor
of Obstetrics and Gynecology and Associate Dean of
Diversity at Columbia University College of Physicians
and Surgeons. Hilda lives in Westchester New York,
with her husband and four children.
Dr Hutcherson’s commitment to women’s health is

evidenced by her monthly women’s health column
in Redbook Magazine where she is also a contributing
editor. She is a frequent contributor to Essence Magazine
where she had a monthly column for 8 years. She is the
former sexual health columnist for Glamour Magazine
and has been quoted in Health, Allure, Seventeen,
Self, Cosmopolitan and O Magazine. She is a frequent
invited speaker on Women’s Health and Sexuality, and
has appeared on many national television programs,
including Oprah, the Racheal Ray Show, the TODAY
Show, Good Morning America, the CBS Early Show,
20/20, Dr. Oz and others.
Dr Hutcherson is the author of 3 books: Having Your

Baby: A Guide for African American Women, What
Your Mother Never told You About Sex, and Pleasure: A
Woman’s Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need and
Deserve.
About Good in Bed
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The Good in Bed Guide to Sex and The Baby Years 5
Table of Contents
About the Author 3
About Good in Bed 4
Introduction by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. 7
Part 1: Sex During Conception 10
Chapter 1: Trying Times 11
Chapter 2: Keeping Conception Sexy 13
Chapter 3: Challenges for Men 26
Chapter 4: Challenges for Women 34
Part 2: Sex During Pregnancy 41
Chapter 5: Ch-Ch-Changes: What’s Going on

With My Body? 43
Chapter 6: Hot—or Not? 48
Chapter 7: Top 3 Myths about Sex and Pregnancy 54
Chapter 8: Let’s Do It 59
6 The Good in Bed Guide to Sex and The Baby Years
Part 3: Sex After Baby — Back in the

Saddle 69
Chapter 9: Post-Baby Libido—You Want to

Want It—But You Don’t Really Want It 71
Chapter 10: Easing the Way: Making Sex

Comfortable 77
Chapter 11: Reclaiming Intimacy 81
Part 4: Sex As Parents — Into the

Great Beyond 88
Chapter 12: Finding the Time 90
Chapter 13: Sex, Interrupted: Bow-Chika-

Bow—Waaaaaaaah! 96
Chapter 14: Bringing Sexy Back 99
Chapter 15: Getting—and Staying—

Out of a Rut 104
In Conclusion 106
Introduction by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Warning to all new parents and wannabe new

parents:
Once you get down to the business of baby-making,

the advice will pour in: books, magazines, in-laws, you
name it—everybody has something to say.
But there’s one thing that no one will talk about: your
sex life. They won’t tell you how it will change, or why
you should cling to it as passionately and preciously as
you’ll cling to that new bundle of life with the big eyes
and winning smile.
At Good in Bed, we believe that sex matters. It’s the

glue that binds couples together. It’s what makes us
more than just friends. Without sex, lovers become
roommates, and a bedroom becomes just a place
to sleep (or at least to try to sleep in between diaper
changes and feedings).
When you have a baby, sex goes from being something

that used to be spontaneous to something that goes
on a to-do list. And as sex falls to the bottom of that
list, relationships become increasingly vulnerable to
anger, resentment, indifference, and, yes, infidelity. No
wonder studies show that 90% of new parents experi-

ence a significant decline in relationship satisfaction
and that many couples end up divorced within five
years of having a baby.
In the end, every parent wants his or her child to be

happy. That’s why we do our best to give our kids ev-
erything. From setting up college funds to giving up
our careers to stay at home with them, there’s noth-
ing we won’t do. But, ironically, nothing makes kids
happier than to know that their parents are happy,
too. Seeing his parents hug, hold hands, and kiss fills a
child with a sense of security and contentment that all
the college funds and career changes in the world can’t
buy. In the end, a happy child is part of a happy family,
and at the heart of that happy family are two parents
who are connected, loving, and intimate. Becoming
a parent doesn’t mean becoming selfless; it means
becoming selfish about the things that really matter,
including your sex life.
That’s where this book comes in. Hilda Hutcherson,

MD, is a distingushed OB/GYN, the author of numer-
ous best-selling books on the subject of sexual health,
a candid advocate of healthy sex who appears on shows
such as Oprah, and, most importantly, a wife and mom
of four. This lady knows what she’s talking about!

That’s why I’m delighted to have Hilda on the Good in
Bed team, and why I’m also grateful to K-Y® Brand for
helping to make Sex and the Baby Years possible.
From the pressures of conceiving, to the fumblings

of pregnancy sex, to the exhaustion and slumps of
baby boot-camp, to the challenge of keeping our new
identities as parents from subsuming our identity as a
couple, Hilda understands that having a baby isn’t just
an event, it’s a milestone. And like other milestones—
completing school, leaving home, getting married—it
marks a clear division between “then” and “now.” Sex
and the Baby Years is about navigating that milestone
and staying loving and connected to each other
throughout the inevitable changes it brings.
Once you enter the baby years, everyone has an opin-

ion. But Hilda will tell you what others won’t. And I
know you’ll like what she has to say.
1
Sex During
Conception*
Chapter 1: Trying Times
At first blush, trying to conceive is one of the most ex-

citing times in your life together as a couple. After all,
you’re about to embark on a journey that will hopefully
result in your ultimate goal: a child. Emotionally—and
physically—you may never feel closer.
We approach conception sex with the fantasy that every

time we make love it will be meaningful and special.
In this fantasy, you recognize the exact moment you
conceive because you and you partner are so filled with
love for each other and your baby. The clouds part, the
angels sing. It’s a beautiful image, no doubt. But for
many couples, the reality of trying to conceive can be
much less dreamy—and a whole lot more stressful.
On paper, doing the “baby dance” sounds great. You’ve

both probably spent years doing everything possible
to not get pregnant. Women, in particular, have grown
up believing that we can get pregnant by practically
looking at a man. After all that time and worry—not
to mention birth control—it’s a huge relief to throw
caution to the wind. And for guys, having a suddenly
aggressive partner who takes control and demands sex
can seem like a real turn-on. All sex, all the time? It’s
many a man’s dream.
Some couples get pregnant right away. Others find

themselves grappling with infertility issues. Most of us
fall somewhere in the middle. But even this period of
trying can be, well, trying. For example, notice that I
said that the free pass for sex can seem like a turn-on.
In reality, sex for the purpose of conception can be
very different from regular old sex. With trysts often
scheduled around ovulation, you may find your sex life
loses its spontaneity. This sort of “sex on demand” may
seem appealing at first, but over time, it can make men
feel like their only purpose is to procreate. Suddenly,
something that was spontaneous and unpredictable
has become routine and scheduled. And with concep-
tion sex, we often skip the niceties of foreplay and
go straight for the intercourse. In the words of my
husband, a guy may begin to feel like a “stud service!”
Sex can start to seem like a chore for both parties. And
sometimes, darn it, you’re just too tired.
According to one recent survey, the average couple has

sex 104 times before getting pregnant. Why not make
those 104 times as fun and sexy as possible? In this sec-
tion, we’ll take a look at some of the common pitfalls
of sex for conception’s sake, and I’ll share suggestions
for bringing the joy back to the baby dance.
Chapter 2: Keeping Conception Sexy
No matter how devoted you are to each other, and to

your goal of getting pregnant, trying to conceive can
eventually make sex seem routine. Unless you’re one
of the lucky few couples who get it on your first few
attempts, sex can begin to feel like work. Yes, your
lovemaking has a purpose—but that purpose has
become procreation, not pleasure. While it’s normal
to experience this shift, it doesn’t exactly help nurture
your relationship.
In fact, lots of parents complain that their sex life suf-

fers after they have a baby—but the truth is that many
of these couples had similar problems in the bedroom
before they even tried to conceive. Start viewing
conception sex as a time to really cement—and im-
prove—your sexual relationship by making it fun now.
That way, you’ll already have the foundation you’ll
need when you do become parents. Let’s look at some
of the ways to make sex for procreation, well, sexy!
Top 4 Potential Sex-Life Spoilers for Couples Trying

to Conceive
1. Spoiler: Scheduled sex. Spontaneity: It can make

sex so delicious. And before you have kids, it’s almost
always an option. Sure, you probably aren’t doing it on
your kitchen table or in the backseat of your car all the
time—but you could if you wanted to.
Yet even before parenthood, all that starts to change.

When you’re trying to conceive, you may find your
sexual encounters dictated, in large part, by biol-
ogy. All of a sudden, your sex life is tied to ovulation,
and your appointment book is filled with “dates” for
sex—on your fertile days, anyway. Visits to your doc-
tor for invasive fertility testing and treatments can add
additional stress to your sex life. Sex can start to feel
like a business transaction. And that kitchen table? It’s
a distant memory.
Solution: You may not have complete control over all

of the days you have sex, but you can certainly change
up what you do. Inject some variety: Get out of the
bedroom (or at least out of the bed) and re-christen
some other rooms in your house. Instead of doing it at
night, try getting busy in the morning or meeting for
a lunchtime rendezvous. Make the sex part of a date
day or date night together. Call in sick and play hooky

together.
Take things a step further and add a little role-playing.

Think about it: Can you remember the time you first
locked eyes, or spotted him through the crowd? Can
you remember the approach, the thrill of the chase,
and the pleasure of seduction? Can you remember
those heady beginning days, where just a light brush
of skin on skin sent lightning rushing through your
body? When was the last time you felt that way?
Bring those days back by pretending you’re strangers

for a night. You may even want to embody a whole new
sexual persona to make the role-playing more lifelike.
Try a new look that feels decidedly not you. Then head
out—separately—to a previously agreed-upon pickup
spot. As you make your way to the rendezvous point,
pay attention to how your new persona makes you feel.
Sexier? More aggressive? More demure? Allow yourself
to be swept up in this feeling. Let the anonymity of
your assumed identity infuse you with a new bold-
ness as you make eyes at your partner from across the
room.
Next, approach your partner, exchange fake names,

and begin chatting—and flirting. Tease each other with
subtle forms of touch. Put a hand around her waist.

Lightly brush his knee, or place a hand on his shoulder
as you laugh flirtatiously. Put some effort into publicly
seducing your partner. As the night draws to a close,
imagine that—unless you make a move—this could be
the last time you see this enchanting specimen. Invite
your partner back to your place, or pull them into the
restroom for a clandestine quickie. How did it feel to
fall in love (and lust) all over again?
However you spice things up, don’t feel forced to limit

yourselves to your fertile days: Although some people
believe that they should “save” the man’s ejaculate un-
til ovulation, that’s a myth. In fact, storing up sperm
can decrease its motility. So enjoy sex whenever—and
wherever—you want it, not just when you’re most
fertile.
2. Spoiler: Sex on demand. At first, it’s a dream come

true for many men: a partner who wants sex, wants a
lot of it, and wants it now. But over time, this “wham,
bam, thank you, sir” mentality can wear thin. When
sex is timed around ovulation, with the sole goal of
procreation, foreplay and your emotional connection
can go right out the window. Men can start to feel
used (“She only wants me for my sperm!”)—in fact,
one recent survey found that 11 percent of guys com-

plained about sex on demand and admitted to feeling
“completely used” during the process. And women
can get resentful when men don’t comply (“He always
wanted sex before!”).
And if you are a woman with a high sex drive, the

freedom to demand frequent sex can be liberating
at first. But over time, the novelty may begin to wear
off. For the first time, you may be the person in the
relationship with the lower sex drive. You may even
begin to view sex as a means to an end—his sperm.
One of my patients described yelling at her husband,
“It doesn’t take that long! You don’t have to enjoy it!
Just ejaculate!”
Solution: When you’ve got a one-track mind (“sex

equals baby”), it can be easy to lose sight of the bigger
picture: your life together as a couple. Counteract the
pressure to procreate by rediscovering romance, in and
out of bed. Send flirty emails during the day—and not
necessarily just during ovulation—promising all the
sexy things you’ll do later that night. Do little things to
help each other out around the house. Give each other
massages. You can’t escape the fact that sex will always
have a bigger agenda when you’ve ovulating, but you

can try to put the love back in lovemaking.
You can also enhance the sex-on-demand dynamic

with a little bit of role-playing. The problem with sex
on demand is that it starts to feel like any other ap-
pointment in the weekly planner, but if you embrace
the spirit of on-demand to explore domination and
submission themes, that will add a whole new sexy
context. Bondage, dominance, submission and mas-
ochism (BDSM) isn’t for everyone, but some light
bondage can be a fun way to mix things up.
If you choose to call the shots, order your partner to

strip, then use cuffs, scarves, neckties, or under-the-
bed restraints to pin them down. Next, put a blindfold
over your partner’s eyes. Not only will they be unable
to control the pace of the sex play, or the spots you
choose to touch, but they’ll also be unable to see any
of it coming.
Now, experiment with touch, caressing the inner

thighs, sucking on the nipples, kissing the neck. Make
your way closer and closer to the genitals, without
actually touching them. It’ll drive your lover crazy.
When you see your partner arching his or her pelvis
toward you, change tactics. With a knee on either side
of their head, request a bit of oral pleasuring. Before

you veer off the brink, however, remove yourself from
your partner’s reach and begin pleasuring them. Keep
this up, until your partner is begging for mercy and,
when you yourself can no longer hold off, give it to
them. This slow, sexual torment will serve to make
intercourse more intense for the both of you and can
make sex on demand a lot sexier.
3. Spoiler: The same old, same old. Doing the same

thing over and over again gets boring, even if the thing
you’re doing is having sex. Your bedroom routine can
get, well, routine pretty quickly when you’re trying
to conceive. Same time, same place, same position,
same… zzzzzzz.
Solution: Trying to score doesn’t have to be a chore.

Yes, you’re “working” toward getting pregnant, but it
doesn’t have to feel like work. Try to savor the journey
just as much as you anticipate your destination. Take
the focus off of conception by moving it to the sensa-
tions that accompany sex. Anticipate the pleasure, not
the end result. Buy a sex toy that you wouldn’t ordi-
narily. Wear a sexy negligee (or silky boxers if you’re
a guy) instead of your usual PJs. Touch and kiss each
other in places you usually might not, like the eyelids,
wrists, and ankles. Spread chocolate- and strawberry-

flavored K-Y® YOURS+MINE® Kissable Sensations
For the Body™, on your erogenous zones and invite
your partner to remove it, slowly.
4. Spoiler: Stress. The baby dance is a whole lot of

sexy fun at first. But, as with any dance, eventually you
start to get tired. You lose your rhythm. Maybe your feet
hurt. You need a break to catch your breath. That’s true
even if you’ve only been trying to conceive for a few
months. But as time passes with no result, your disap-
pointment grows. You’re in a never-ending episode of
So You Think You Can Dance, but you’re not any closer
to grabbing that trophy. You may find that you begin to
have less sex than you had before and the sex that you
do have is less pleasurable. All this can leave you both
feeling frazzled and frustrated—a vicious cycle, since
stress can contribute to infertility.
Solution: It’s easy to get caught up in the stress of try-

ing to conceive. With every passing month, you may
find yourself becoming more and more focused on
getting pregnant. The result? You can also start feel
more distant from your partner. Bring your relation-
ship back to center stage by scheduling a regular “date
night” for yourselves. On that night, ban all ovulation
and procreation talk. Check in with each other about

other issues, hold hands, and reconnect with the couple
you were before trying to conceive.
Should you have sex on date night? Only if you want

to. If you’re on the fence, try giving each other erotic
massages. To start, have your partner lay down on their
stomach, with their arms at their side. Before even
opening up your bottle of massage oil, kneel beside
them, and run your hands firmly down the length of
their body, all the way from the upper back down to
the tips of their toes. Do this several times, and then
do it again, this time with the oil. Begin massaging the
back. Kneeling above their head, place your palms on
their upper back, facing downward, and push them all
the way down to the buttocks, then out to either side
and up to the shoulders. Massage the shoulders, pull-
ing your hands up from the front to the back. Next,
place your hands on the upper back with your hands
palm-to-palm, as if in prayer. Repeat the motions you
previously made when your hands were palms down.
Next, make small circles with your thumbs up and
down the sides of the spine, and then massage the sides
of the torso by simply pulling upward with your palms.
Move to the legs next, sliding your hands up and down
then, and then kneading them. Do the same with the
arms. Massage your partner’s palms, and then pull

lightly on their fingers. Ask your partner to roll over,
and repeat the arm and leg massages from the front.
At this point, your partner is probably feeling better

than they’ve felt in forever, and is most likely willing
to reward you with any number of sexual favors. But
you’re about to take things up a notch. Run your hands
down the center of their torso, including the area be-
tween the breasts (if your partner is a woman). Knead
the breasts gently, using both circular motions, and
also running your fingers up and down the sides, away
from the nipples and back again. Now it’s time to give
the genitals some much-needed attention. If you’re
massaging your male lover, start by stroking his shaft
in an upward motion. Then, place one hand at the base
of the penis, while placing your other hand palm down
on the head, as if you were squeezing an orange. Stroke
the shaft up and down with the one hand while using
the other hand to massage the head in a circular mo-
tion. If your lover happens to have a clitoris, massage
circles around its head, and then take the pad of one
finger and swipe it from the bottom of the vulva all the
way to the top, over and past the clitoris, several times.
If she’s into the idea of penetration (make sure you’re
still sufficiently lubed up!), insert your thumb into her
vagina and make a rocking motion on her abdomen

with your palm. Experiment with the placement of
your thumb inside her. You can also massage each oth-
ers’ genitals while simultaneously massaging another
part of the body. This will help your partner associate
various parts of the body with erotic stimulation.
Finally, end the massage by lightly rubbing the neck

and scratching the head. Don’t neglect the face. It can
feel good for your partner if you rub your thumbs up
and over their brows in an arcing motion. Using can
also use your thumbs to make circles at the temples.
Now it’s your turn!
After all this, you may indeed want to indulge in

some slow, sensuous sex. If so, consider tantric sex,
intercourse that is utilized as a form of meditation. It
can help you become more attuned to each other, and
experience longer, more intense, and more satisfying
sexual sessions.
Remember that the focus should be on giving and

receiving pleasure, rather than intercourse itself. Set
the mood by lowering the lights, lighting candles, and
perhaps even playing some soft music. Enjoy an activ-
ity together that allows you to relax…and do it in the
nude. Shower together, or give each other massages, or
even share a glass of wine and chat. Then, settle down

to harmonize your breathing. Sit across from each
other and gaze into each other’s eyes, and try to match
your breathing to your partner’s. Do this for 5 or 10
minutes. Next, experiment with touch, caressing each
other’s bodies and discussing what feels good. As you
naturally transition into foreplay, maintain eye contact,
and continue to harmonize your breathing. Keep it
slow, and concentrate on giving your partner pleasure.
Move into slow, sensual sex, using mindfulness and the
exercising of your pelvic floor muscles to keep your
orgasm at bay. If you feel yourself heading toward the
brink, pause in your lovemaking, relax, tighten your
pelvic muscles, and breathe. Then continue for as long
as you can manage.
While there’s something to be said for hot, sweaty,

quick and dirty sex, the slow sensuality of tantric sex
has the potential to take your pleasure to a higher level
and can also help wash away the stress associated with
conception sex.
Dear Dr. Hilda

Q. I’ve heard that certain sexual positions will in-
crease our chances of getting pregnant. Is this true?
A. Possibly. There’s no scientific evidence to sup-

port the use of some sexual positions over others
in conception. (Imagine what those studies would
entail!) But it stands to reason that positions that
force sperm to defy gravity to swim upstream—such
as standing, sitting, or woman-on-top—could be
less effective than others. Some experts believe
that missionary (man-on-top), aided by a small pil-
low under her hips, is best for conception. While in
this position, the cervix simply bathes in the pool
of semen and sperm after he ejaculates, possibly
increasing the chance that sufficient numbers of
sperm will find their way upstream through the cervix
and to the egg. Still, don’t feel forced to limit your-
self to only one position during sex. Adding different
positions, particularly when she isn’t ovulating, can
help mix things up and keep things from getting too
routine. And don’t neglect her orgasm! Not only is
pleasure important for good sex, but, as you’ll learn
later, climaxing may even help improve the odds of
conception.
Chapter 3: Challenges for Men
Just as trying to conceive can affect your sex life as

a couple, it can also pose special challenges for men
and women individually. For guys, the pressure to
perform—and deliver—on demand can be even more
stressful than you might imagine. What at first seems
like an all-you-can-eat sexual buffet may eventually
give a man a proverbial stomachache. You learned ways
to counteract the feeling of “sex on demand” in Chapter
2. Now here’s how to cope with some other problems
that men can develop when trying to conceive.
Low sexual desire
The male libido is always in overdrive. Guys want sex

all the time. They never pass up the opportunity for
sex. Myths—all of them! I’m sorry to break it to you,
but men can be just as prone as women to low sexual
desire. Sometimes they just aren’t in the mood. In fact,
about one in five men have struggled with low libido
at some point. Yet the stereotype of the over-sexed man
persists—and that misperception can lead to a lot of
resentment in couples trying to conceive, especially if
a man doesn’t communicate with his female partner
about his decreased sex drive.
Low male libido can have any number of causes.

Sometimes it’s present before the baby dance even
begins, although trying to get pregnant can be its own
trigger. Common causes include:
*Medical problems, such as diabetes, high blood pres-

sure, and obesity
*Medications, such as antidepressants and anti-hyper-

tension drugs
*Low levels of testosterone or thyroid hormone
*Stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, or relationship

issues
If a man is otherwise healthy and has not had prob-

lems with low libido in the past, the stress and pressure
of trying to conceive may be contributors. He may feel
turned off by the concept of sex on demand, ambiva-
lent or worried about becoming a father, or just isn’t in
the mood for scheduled, procreation-centric sex.
First, you may want to see a doctor to rule out medi-

cal or hormonal causes of low libido. Treating the
responsible condition, changing medications, or using
supplemental testosterone may help boost sex drive.
If you’ve been given a clean bill of health, consider

consulting a sex therapist or other counselor to help
address stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, or possible
ambivalence about becoming a father.
Erectile dysfunction
The advent of medications like Viagra and Cialis has

brought erectile dysfunction—the inability to get and
sustain an erection suitable for sexual intercourse—
out of the closet and into the mainstream. The risk of
developing erectile dysfunction (ED) increases as men
get older, but age isn’t the only reason why a guy can
lose his erection. In fact, ED isn’t at all unusual in men
who are trying get their partners pregnant. ED can be
the result of:
*Medical conditions, including diabetes, heart disease,

high blood pressure, and atherosclerosis
*Medications, such as those used to treat high blood

pressure, depression, and allergies
*Stress, anxiety, depression, and relationship issues
This last category of psychological concerns includes

the stress and pressure of trying to conceive. Feeling
expected to get an erection on demand can create
performance anxiety, a problem that may then develop

every time a man tries to have sex.
Even if a doctor determines that your ED doesn’t have

a medical basis, it’s a good idea to follow a healthy
lifestyle (no smoking, eating well, exercising regu-
larly)—something you should already be doing if you
want to have a baby! For dealing with the stress and
anxiety of conception in particular, you have several
options:
*Try to enjoy sex for sex’s—not procreation’s—sake.

Flip back to Chapter 2 for specific advice on spicing
up your sex life and dealing with sex on demand.
*Start sex at a time when you’re as relaxed as pos-

sible—but not tired. Kick things off with a back rub
to help unwind. If sex doesn’t happen, don’t assign
blame.
*Ladies: Take the pressure off by keeping your ovula-

tion days to yourself for a while. This can help your
guy stop focusing on the goal of conception and just
enjoy lovemaking for what it is.
*If you’re distracted by anxiety about performing,

share a sexual fantasy or two with each other. Recount
a sexy scene from a movie or book, with yourselves in
the starring roles, or talk about a particularly hot sex

session from your past.
*Enjoy a movie night by watching porn together.

Choose a flick that appeals to both of you. Observe
what turns you on…and what turns you off. Keep an
eye out for new positions that might be worth try-
ing later on. And even pay attention to plot. While
pornography is known for its flimsy plot lines, it
can often provide new ideas for erotic role playing.
Discuss your observations between viewings. Or lose
yourself in the moment and comment on the goings-
on on-screen as the film is rolling, letting your
partner know when something is making you hot.
These comments may develop into a sort of dirty talk
and, eventually, the film’s bow-chik-a-bow-bow may
be background music to your own on-the-couch
action.
*Older guys (mid-40s and up) may want to consult

their doctor about a prescription for Viagra or a
similar drug if the problem persists.
Premature ejaculation
The average man lasts about 2 to 5 minutes before ejac-

ulating during intercourse, but guys with premature
ejaculation (PE), or consistently ejaculating too soon,

typically only last about 15 to 60 seconds. PE can be
chronic or acquired: Chronic PE is usually the result
of a combination of genetics and changes in brain
chemistry. Other factors, such as masturbation habits,
can also play a role. Some men are able hide PE from
their partners by focusing on oral sex, wearing two
condoms, or using desensitizing sprays—but when it
comes time to conceive, they can no longer mask the
problem.
Unless a man already has chronic, lifelong PE, he prob-

ably only occasionally ejaculates sooner than he and
his partner would like. That’s normal and happens to
most men at one point or another. But guys who have
never had problems lasting long enough can develop
situational, or acquired, PE when they’re faced with
the stress of trying to conceive.
*Embrace the idea of the frantic quickie. Not only can

fast, passionate sex be hot, but it’s a good venue for
guys who have trouble lasting long. Added bonus:
The quickie is going to be your friend once you’re
parents with limited time (and energy). Learn to love
it now!
*Go perpendicular. Positions that use his less-sensitive

places (the top of his penis rather than the underside)
to stimulate her more-sensitive areas (like her clito-
ris) are a great compromise for the couple dealing
with PE. Here’s the basic principle: He holds his erect
penis in his hand so that it’s at a near-right angle to
his partner’s body. You can incorporate this model
into a number of different positions, including lying
side by side, spooning, and standing. For example,
if a couple stretches out on their sides facing each
other, his penis will be somewhat perpendicular to
her genitals. From there, he can touch and rub her
vulva and clitoris with the top side of his penis. Use
perpendicular play to increase her arousal before
transitioning into your preferred sexual position.
Delayed ejaculation
The opposite of PE, delayed ejaculation can make it

difficult for a man to climax: He may last 30 to 45
minutes during intercourse before ejaculating. While
this might seem like a woman’s dream, it can be frus-
trating (and tiring!) for both partners when it happens
regularly.
When delayed ejaculation has been a chronic problem,

it’s often the result of masturbation habits (he only
orgasms from certain kinds of stimulation). Difficulty

climaxing can also be triggered by alcohol and medi-
cations like antidepressants. When a guy experiences
delayed ejaculation during the baby dance, it may be
because he’s stressed, anxious, or ambivalent about
having kids.
If you think medications may be responsible, talk with

your doctor about switching to a different drug. You
can also try these approaches:
*He can show his female partner how he masturbates

so she can see what he likes.
*She can press her fingers against the area behind the
base of the scrotum, which will stimulate the pros-
tate gland and speed orgasm.
*Consult a sex therapist or other counselor to help

deal with possible psychological causes of delayed
ejaculation.
Chapter 4: Challenges for Women
No matter how excited a woman is about the prospect

of being pregnant, she can experience just as many
sexual roadblocks as her male partner. Sex on demand
can be tricky for her, too—even if she’s the one doing
the demanding. (For tips on how to cope with sex on
demand, see Chapter 2.) In this chapter, we’ll look at
some other common culprits that can interfere with
her sex life when trying to conceive.
Low sexual desire
It’s easy for women to get in the goal-oriented, baby-

making mindset, where sex is simply a means to an
end. That can mean that she may not even be in the
mood when she initiates sex, but is guided instead by
ovulation. Yet a lack of desire can lead to additional
problems, like decreased lubrication and difficulty cli-
maxing. Here’s how to boost desire when you’re trying
to conceive.
*See a doctor. Antidepressants, anti-hypertension

drugs, and other medications can contribute to low
libido in women, as can anxiety and depression and
diseases like arthritis and diabetes.
*Get emotional. Research suggests that women tend to

feel sexual desire towards those men for whom they
feel an emotional connection. The most important
thing a guy can do to get a woman in the mood for
sex is to make a strong emotional connection outside
the bedroom. One way to do this: Try hugging for 20
seconds. Studies have shown that’s about the amount
of time it takes for women to produce significant lev-
els of oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone.
Oxytocin is stimulated via touch, and is directly cor-
related with a sense of connection and well-being.
*A woman’s biggest sex organ is her brain. To turn

her on, a man needs to help her turn her brain off.
Research involving brain scans has found that the
parts of the brain responsible for processing fear,
anxiety, and emotion slow down significantly in
women—but not men—as they become aroused.
Help out around the house and otherwise take some
of the pressure off her so she can focus on sex, not
laundry, dirty dishes, or work.
*Relax. Not only can stress sap your sexual desire, it

can also make it more difficult to conceive. Practice
a form of stress management regularly, consult a
therapist if necessary, and try “choreplay” (described

in Chapter 12) to help eliminate sources of stress.
Trouble climaxing
According to one popular theory, a woman’s orgasm

may help increase her chances of getting pregnant:
Some experts believe that the cervical contractions that
can accompany climax can pull sperm up the vagina
and closer to that all-important egg. While there’s little
scientific study to prove this theory, having an orgasm
might help—and certainly can’t hurt!—conception.
Unfortunately, many women are so focused on the

ultimate ending—a baby—that they’re content to let
the opportunity for an orgasm to pass them by. But
there’s no reason why procreation can’t be pleasurable
for both parties. Experiment with the tips above for
boosting sexual desire and lubrication to also help
increase the odds of experiencing orgasm and possibly
conceiving. You can also try these tricks:
*Take the focus off conception, which can distract her

from the sexy sensations that might otherwise take
her over the edge.
*Help her relax. Scientific evidence shows that the key

to getting a woman turned on and to the heights of
orgasmic bliss is to help her achieve a deep sense of

relaxation and a lack of anxiety. Researchers at the
University of Groningen in the Netherlands scanned
the brains of 13 women and 11 men while they were
manually stimulated to orgasm by their partners. The
scans showed that, for women, the parts of the brain
responsible for processing fear, anxiety, and emotion
slowed down the more aroused they became, pro-
ducing a trance-like state at orgasm. Men showed far
less change in these areas of the brain. According to
the researchers, this means is that letting go of fear
and anxiety could be important—even necessary—
for a woman to have an orgasm. Again, if you want
your partner to get turned on, you have to help her
turn off her brain. That means leaving your worries
outside the bedroom, which can be challenging—but
not impossible—for couples trying to conceive.
*Really dedicate time to foreplay. It will up your desire

and arousal, helping pave the way to orgasm once
intercourse is underway. As I mentioned in Chapter
2, the K-Y® KISSABLE SENSATIONS™ product can
be a fun tool to explore each other’s bodies. Spread
it on your mons and inner thighs and invite him to
slowly remove it.
*Buy a vibrator and add it to your sex play, either

before or after ejaculation. You might even consider
one that straps over your clitoris during intercourse.
*Manually stimulate her and choose positions

that stimulate her clitoris during intercourse, like
woman-on-top.
When Fertility is an Issue
When conception doesn’t happen as quickly as you

would like, things can get pretty stressful, pretty
fast. You start focusing solely on reproduction and
may lose sight of your relationship as a couple.
That’s normal—and I hope that the advice in this
section has helped you make sex for procreation a
little, well, sexier.
If you’ve been trying to conceive for a year or more,

though, you’ll find yourself dealing with even more
obstacles to a healthy sex life. Not only has the
pressure to get pregnant skyrocketed, but the fertil-
ity treatments you pursue can add a new wrinkle to
an already difficult situation. Side effects like mood
swings, bloating, and headaches can make women
feel anything but in the mood.
If this wasn’t clear to you already, researchers have

confirmed it: A recent study published in Fertility &
Sterility found that women who underwent treatment
for infertility reported being less satisfied with their
sex lives, had sex less often, and felt less sexual
desire that those with normal fertility. Other research
suggests that coping with infertility and its treat-
ments can have negative effects on a couple’s emo-
tional well-being and can create relationship tension.
Talk with your physician about how to cope with spe-

cific side effects of fertility treatments. If you find
infertility is having an even larger impact on your re-
lationship, I recommend consulting a sex counselor
or therapist to help guide you through the rough
patches.
In Sum
Trying to conceive is one of the few instances when

having sex isn’t just about the pleasure of sex. Sure, it’s
difficult to keep things light and fun when a baby is
your ultimate goal. I hope, however, that this section
has shown you that a healthy, happy sex life is possible
when you’re trying to get pregnant. And I hope you’ve

enjoyed this time, because you’re about to encounter
a whole new set of challenges—and opportunities for
great sex—once you’re pregnant, as you’ll learn in Part
Two.
2
Sex During
Pregnancy*
Congratulations—you’re pregnant! And one thing

is for certain: Your sex life will change, for better or
for worse. Now, maybe for the first time in months or
even years, sex may be the last thing on your mind—or
it may be all you can think about. Some women, no
longer fearing pregnancy, experience an explosion of
sexual desire. For lots of couples, a positive pregnancy
test can suddenly shift the focus from conception to the
baby itself. You’re so busy having ultrasounds, debat-
ing names, and registering for strollers, that trying to
conceive is now a distant memory. It doesn’t help that
myths and fears about sex during pregnancy abound.
Ask any group of expectant parents about it, and you’ll
hear a whole range of answers, from “He’s afraid it’ll
hurt to the baby,” to “Sex is even more amazing now!”
to “She’s never in the mood anymore.” And some of
us have been told that pregnancy and a healthy sex life
just don’t mix.
Your sex life needn’t take a breather for the next nine
months. In fact, the milestone of baby-making can be
a fun call to action to increase intimacy and sexual
connectedness.
I tell my patients that a healthy satisfying sex life can

actually be good for pregnancy. It helps bond couples,
increases happiness, and makes you feel closer to your

partner. And when mom feels good and calm, the baby
feels good. In this section, we’ll explore all the physical
and emotional changes that can occur, address com-
mon concerns, and provide tips to help you continue
enjoying hot, healthy sex throughout your pregnancy.
Chapter 5: Ch-Ch-Changes: What’s

Going on With My Body?
We’re all familiar with the stereotypical symptoms a

woman can experience during pregnancy—larger
breasts, wider hips, stretch marks, morning sickness.
But pregnancy is so much more than that. You’re un-
dergoing all sorts of changes—hormonal, emotional,
and yes, physical—that can have an impact on your sex
life. Here’s what to expect.
Hormonal, Emotional, and Physical Changes
One day you’re walking on air and planning the nurs-

ery. The next, you’re weepy for no apparent reason.
Welcome to the wonderful world of hormones, nearly
all of which are affected by pregnancy. Some of the
biggies:
*Estrogen rises, helping your uterus grow, increasing

blood flow to your mucous membranes, and trigger-
ing breast growth and tenderness.
*Progesterone increases so that your uterus and

breasts expand. It also triggers release of the hor-
mone relaxin, which affects smooth muscle and
cartilage. This readies your body for delivery, but
can also result in achy joints, acne, and indigestion,
heartburn, and other gastrointestinal woes.
*Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) skyrockets

in the first few months of pregnancy. Found in your
blood and urine, it’s the reason why you can pee
on a stick to find out if you’re pregnant. It’s also re-
sponsible for morning sickness, which eases as hCG
decreases in the second trimester.
*Thyroid hormones rise, which can make you sweat

more, make your heart beat faster, and trigger mood
swings.
*Oxytocin helps your muscles contract during deliv-

ery (it’s found in the labor-inducing drug Pitocin)
and helps stimulate breast milk. Also known as the
“cuddle hormone,” oxytocin plays an important role
in sex and relationships, as you’ll learn later.
This potent cocktail of hormones triggers a slew of

physical changes, from a bigger abdomen and tender
breasts to nausea and fatigue. If you’ve talked to your
physician and friends or read pregnancy books and
websites, you have a good idea of what to expect and
I won’t repeat that here. What you may not know is
that the hormonal shifts of pregnancy can have a real
impact on your sex life, too.
Everyone is different, and what you experience in

terms of desire and libido may not be the same as what
your sister or best friend feels during her pregnancy.
There are, however, some typical patterns in the ways
that pregnancy can affect sexuality. Let’s take a look at
what can change.
*Libido Although hormones and increased blood flow

to the pelvis certainly play a role, the urge to merge
when you’re pregnant can be very individual: In
one recent study published in The Journal of Sexual
Medicine, about 40 percent of women reported
wanting more sex than they had before they were
pregnant, while one-third of women had less sexual
desire. For example, you may find that your libido
goes through the roof and you want sex more than
ever. After all, this may be the first time in a long
time that you don’t have to try not to get pregnant.

You can throw caution to the wind and have lots of
spontaneous sex simply for the pleasure’s sake. On
the other hand, the last thing some women want
to do during pregnancy is have sex. They might be
feeling nauseous, achy, stressed, tired, or cranky, or
they might simply be too tired to even think about
making love.
Libido tends to wane during the first trimester, when

pregnancy symptoms can interfere with feeling sexy.
Your sex drive can rise once these symptoms ebb,
only to fall again the final months of pregnancy. It’s
important to let your partner know what’s going on
with your sex drive throughout pregnancy. Lots of
guys incorrectly view the first trimester as their last
chance at sex, so they’re always pushing for it. Let
him know if you’re not in the mood now—but that
you may very well be raring to go in a few months.
*Lubrication As hormonal levels change, you may

find that things aren’t as wet “down there” as they
once were. That’s normal, although it can make
sex uncomfortable. To ease penetration, try using a
water- or silicone-based lubricant, like K-Y Brand
Intrigue™. In your second semester, lubrication can
actually increase, which some women find boosts

their desire for sex.
*Orgasms Increased blood flow and sensitivity in the

genitals may mean that your orgasms are more in-
tense and pleasurable than ever before. In fact, some
women experience the first orgasm of their lives—or
multiple orgasms—during the second trimester of
pregnancy. Make sure your man knows that this is a
great opportunity for him to help you achieve some
of your best orgasms ever. That’s a turn-on for many
men. Orgasms may be more elusive in the last tri-
mester. Remember oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone”?
Just as it’s released during childbirth, it also flows
during orgasm. But don’t worry that climaxing will
trigger a miscarriage—the mild uterine contractions
that result won’t harm your baby. But do call your
doctor if the post-orgasm contractions are severe or last
more than a few minutes.
Chapter 6: Hot—or Not?
Remember when actress Demi Moore famously posed

nude on the cover of Vanity Fair during her first preg-
nancy? That controversial photo helped show what
many people already knew: Pregnant women can be
sexy. These days, more women are showing, not hid-
ing, their bellies. But even though many consider the
round stomach, wider hips, and larger breasts of preg-
nancy naturally beautiful, it’s how a woman feels about
her herself that makes all the difference.
You may never feel more feminine, strong, or sexual

than you do now. Many women love their pregnancy
curves and discover a new sense of self-esteem. You
may feel sexier than ever. Rosier skin, healthier hair,
and full, voluptuous breasts are just a few of the sexier
physical changes of pregnancy. The increased blood
flow to your genitals may make you feel as though you
are in a constant state of arousal. Other women just
feel ungainly, fat, and unattractive. Of course, it’s easy
to feel less than hot when you’re experiencing all the
physical and emotional changes of pregnancy. What
some people see as a voluptuous chest, you might see
as super-sore torpedoes. What others consider a per-
fect baby bump, you might view as a fat stomach that

makes it impossible to wear your favorite jeans.
Adjusting to any changes—physical or otherwise—can

be tough on your confidence. But hormones are partly
responsible, too: Your self-esteem can take a blow from
mood swings triggered by hormonal shifts. And how
you feel about your body can change, not just from
trimester to trimester, but from week to week and even
day to day.
Interestingly, the way some pregnant women feel

about their own attractiveness doesn’t always line up
with the way their male partners feel. Case in point: A
2010 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine
found that 41.5 percent of women said they felt less
attractive or sensual while pregnant—but 75 percent
said their partners didn’t find them any less desirable.
And it’s entirely possible that you may feel sexy while
your male partner feels less so. That’s just one more
reason why communication is crucial during this time.
Here’s how to love your pregnant body:
*Try gentle forms of exercise, such as walking and

prenatal yoga. Physical activity can put you in touch
with your body and help you learn to appreciate it.
(Get your physician’s approval before starting an

exercise program.)
*Talk about your feelings with your healthcare practi-

tioner, partner, family, friends, or a therapist.
*Buy sexy lingerie in a larger size to accommodate

your growing belly. A low-cut baby-doll teddy is a
good choice. Choose soft, sensual fabrics that feel
good to touch.
*Massage your skin with a sensuous scented body

cream before bed or ask your partner to give you a
foot rub.
*Choose maternity wear that emphasizes the part of

your body that you find sexy. Avoid baggy clothes
that make you feel fat and frumpy. Remember, how
you feel about your body directly affects your sex life.
*Pamper yourself with a visit to your favorite hair

stylist, get a manicure and pedicure regularly, and
otherwise take time for yourself.
*Initiate intimacy with your partner. Many guys are

unsure of what a woman is experiencing during
pregnancy and worry about making sexual overtures.
What’s He Feeling?
Because pregnancy’s changes are most obvious in a

woman—it’s happening in her body, after all—we of-
ten forget how this life-altering experience can affect
expectant dads. Lots of men still find their pregnant
partners attractive—some are even more turned
on. Aside from finding her physical transformation
appealing, he may feel a sense of masculine pride
knowing that he got her pregnant. And many men
simply feel closer to their partners during pregnancy,
which they may express sexually.
Still, any number of issues and concerns can damp-

en a guy’s desire. Some of the most typical:
yyHe’s worried he’ll hurt the baby. It’s fairly common

for men to believe that intercourse will somehow
damage a growing fetus. Fortunately, this is near
impossible, as you’ll learn in Chapter 7.
yyHe’s stressed about money. Even the most enthu-

siastic of expectant fathers can find themselves
awake at night, ruminating over their impending re-
sponsibilities. How will we afford a baby? Should we
get a bigger house? Do we really need all these baby
products? Not surprisingly, these concerns—which
are totally normal—don’t exactly make for a sexy

mood. During these difficult economic times, dads
are feeling more financial stress than ever, which
can manifest as a low libido.
yyHe’s being polite. If a pregnant woman doesn’t

seem interested in sex, particularly if she isn’t
feeling well or is having a difficult pregnancy, her
male partner may back off and not pressure her.
Because such assumptions are just that—as-
sumptions—it’s best to talk with your partner to
see if you’re on the same page about sex before
nixing it.
yyHe’s jealous. Pregnancy can be tough for guys:

They’re often totally into the idea of having a baby,
but there’s a big shift in attention to mom, and
some guys can feel left out and jealous of that
attention.
yyHe’s scared of change. Doctor visits, physical

changes, exhaustion—they’re starting now, and he
may be worried about how much more his life will
change once the baby arrives.
yyHe’s freaked out by fatherhood. Sure, he wants to

be a dad, but unconscious emotions about his own
childhood may be coming to the surface.
yyHe’s just not that into it. As you learned in Section

One, women aren’t the only ones who experience
low libido. Guys do, too—and the reasons may
have nothing to do with pregnancy. Health prob-
lems, certain medications, and stress are just a
few of the factors that can affect a man’s sex drive.
And some men just aren’t into pregnancy sex. He
may find it difficult to separate the “lover” from the
“mother” and have trouble viewing you as a sexual
being.
Communication is critical during pregnancy. Talk to

him about your feelings and encourage him to talk
about his as well. Keeping the lines open to discuss
all of the intimate details of your sex life is important
now, and for the rest of your lives together.
Chapter 7: Top 3 Myths about Sex and

Pregnancy
As an ob/gyn, I hear a virtual laundry list of myths and

misconceptions from my pregnant patients and their
partners. In addition to the old wives’ tales that prom-
ise to predict the gender of your baby, you’ve probably
also been told some doozies about sex and pregnancy.
Let’s sort out fact from fiction.
Myth #1: Sex will hurt the baby. This is probably the
biggest fear that couples have about making love dur-
ing pregnancy. Specifically, men worry that they might
hit the baby in the head with their penis. As I’ll discuss
in Chapter 8, sex isn’t advisable in some situations—
particularly if you have a high-risk pregnancy—but
that doesn’t have anything to do with bumping the
baby.
The good news? Sex is perfectly safe for most couples.

Your developing baby is shielded by the strong muscles
of the uterus, as well as by the amniotic sac and fluid.
The thick mucus plug that blocks the cervix during
pregnancy adds another layer of protection. And I’m
sorry to break it to you guys, your penis isn’t large
enough to do any damage.
Myth #2: Intercourse and orgasms can trigger

premature labor. Again, if you have a high-risk
pregnancy or a history of premature labor, it’s best
to abstain from sex. Otherwise, intercourse is safe for
pregnant couples. And the orgasms of pregnancy may
be some of your most intense. As you learned earlier,
the hormone oxytocin is released during an orgasm
(it also increases during breast stimulation). Oxytocin
can also cause uterine contractions when you’re close
to your delivery date. (According to some research, it’s
actually possible—although rare—to have an orgasm
while you’re giving birth!)
But that doesn’t mean that climaxing will lead to

early labor or a miscarriage. Although some research
suggests that orgasmic contractions may trigger la-
bor, newer studies have found that climaxing during
intercourse has no effect on childbirth and may even
protect against premature delivery.
Myth #3: Pregnant sex means uncomfortable

sex. Okay, so the idea of awkward missionary-style
sex with a big baby bump between you probably isn’t
going to send you into a swoon of pleasure. The first
trimester may be filled with nausea, fatigue, and other
unpleasant physical sensations that hardly put you in
the mood. And you may just feel too large to make love
during your last few months. If you’re just not inter-
ested, that’s okay. But if you are, the right positions,
lubrication, and other adjustments can help you enjoy
comfortable—even mind-blowing—sex throughout
your pregnancy.
Sex and Pregnancy, Trimester by Trimester
Here’s how your body, mind, and sexuality change

with each trimester of pregnancy:
First Trimester
yyBreasts become larger and tenderness increases.

You may not want them touched (or want them
touched more gently than usual) and may want to
wear a cute bra during sex to help support.
yyNausea, fatigue, or mood swings may interfere with

feeling sexy.
yyLibido may decrease as hormone levels change.
yyAt the same time, blood flow to the pelvis increas-

es, which can make some women feel constantly
aroused.
yyIncreased blood flow to the uterus may make deep

penetration uncomfortable.
yyLubrication tends to decrease and vaginal tissues

become drier and more delicate.
Second Trimester
yyNausea, breast tenderness, and fatigue tend to

diminish.
yyYou may feel more energetic.
yyAt the same time, you will likely gain weight, which
may affect self-esteem.
yyLibido typically rises.
yyLubrication increases again.
yyBlood flow to the pelvis increases futher and or-

gasms may be more intense.
yyAs your belly grows, some sexual positions may

become more uncomfortable. See Chapter 8 for
ideas.
Third Trimester
yyYour body will get larger, making sex more awkward.

yyFatigue, back pain, breast leakage, and hemor-

rhoids can all make you feel uncomfortable and
unsexy.
yyYour vagina may swell as the baby’s head drops

and you may feel pressure in the area.
yyYou may experience some pink spotting after in-

tercourse because of this swelling. While this is
usually not a problem, you should contact your
healthcare practitioner if it occurs.
yyOrgasms may become more elusive.

Chapter 8: Let’s Do It
Let me be clear: You don’t have to have sex to enjoy

a close, loving relationship with your partner during
your pregnancy. Maybe you’ve been told you have a
high-risk pregnancy and need to abstain. Perhaps one
(or both) of you simply isn’t in the mood. Hugging,
kissing, cuddling are all ways to share affection with-
out being sexual—and they may be all you want or
need right now.
At the same time, it’s important to maintain a certain

level of intimacy with your partner. Without it, you
may lose sight of your relationship as a couple and
begin to view yourselves only as “mom” and “dad,”
especially after your little one is born. Take this time
now to reaffirm your sexual bond, whether through
intercourse or through the alternatives described in
this chapter.
Best Positions for Pregnancy
While you can usually enjoy intercourse all the way up

until your due date, some positions are more comfort-
able than others. You may have to give up your favorite
position, or modify it a bit to make it comfortable.
Be creative! It’s part of what makes sex fun during

pregnancy and beyond.
In general, any position that puts pressure on the

woman’s back or stomach can be tough: Not only can
her baby bump get in the way, but after the fourth
month, lying on her back can cause her growing uterus
to put pressure on major blood vessels in her body.
Instead try these positions and experiment to see what
feels right for both of you:
*Woman on top In this position, the man lies on his

back while the woman straddles him. It takes the
pressure off her back and belly, allows her to control
the depth and speed of thrusting—and gives him
a great view! This position is great in the first and
second trimesters. Increased weight and size of ab-
domen may make it difficult to maneuver in the last
trimester.
*Sitting A variation on woman on top, this position

involves the man sitting in an armless chair, with the
woman facing and straddling him. It is extremely
intimate and allows you to gaze in each other’s eyes.
This position is best during the first and second
trimester.
*Side by side You both lie on your side, facing each

other. This position also keeps the weight off her
belly, supports the uterus, and may also make you
feel particularly intimate. Enjoy it during the first
trimester and early second trimester.
*Spooning The same position that allows for such

good post-sex cuddle is also great for intercourse
during pregnancy. The man lies on his side behind
the woman, facing her back. This takes the pressure
off her belly and prevents deep penetration, which
may be uncomfortable later in pregnancy. This posi-
tion is perfect during the last trimester.
*Hand and knees Also known as rear entry or “doggy

style,” this position places the woman on her hands
in knees with her partner entering her from behind.
Place a few pillows under her belly and breasts to
help support them. Try it during the first, second and
early third trimesters.Because this position can result
in deeper penetration, you may want to avoid it later
in the third trimester.
*Modified missionary position She lies on her back,

pulls her knees up to her chest, and rests her feet on
his chest or, if she’s really flexible, on his shoulders.
He kneels and enters without placing his weight on

her body.
When Sex Isn’t Safe
For most couples, intercourse and other sexual ac-

tivities are safe all the way up until her water breaks.
There are cases, though, where your physician,
nurse, or midwife may recommend that you abstain
from intercourse and/or orgasm. When placed on
sex restrictions, it’s important to ask whether you
can have intercourse, orgasm through other means
like oral sex or masturbation, or neither. These re-
strictions include:
yyA history of preterm labor (delivering a baby earlier

than 37 weeks)
yyA history of miscarriage
yySigns of preterm labor, such as premature uterine

contractions
yyUnexplained vaginal discharge, bleeding, or

cramping
yyLeakage of amniotic fluid

yyIncompetent cervix (a condition in which the cervix

dilates prematurely, raising the risk for preterm
delivery or miscarriage)
yyPlacenta previa (a condition in which the placenta

covers the cervix)
yyMultiple fetuses, such as twins, triplets, etc.
yyIf you aren’t in any of these categories but ex-

perience bleeding, pain, or cramping just after
intercourse or orgasm that doesn’t disappear after
a few minutes, call your healthcare practitioner.
Alternatives to Intercourse
If you’re not up for intercourse, that doesn’t mean you

can’t indulge in other types of sexual intimacy. For the
most part, if you enjoyed these activities before your
pregnancy, you can continue to enjoy them now:
*Oral sex Kissing, licking, sucking, and all that good

stuff is still on the menu when you’re expecting. One
precaution: He shouldn’t blow into your vagina.
Doing so can cause an air embolism, a bubble of air
that blocks a blood vessel and can be life-threatening

for mother and baby.
*Touching Sensual massages, manual stimulation, and

mutual masturbation are your obvious options. Try
a water- or silicone-based lubricant for increased
sensitivity and pleasure. But why stick with the well-
traveled erogenous zones? Explore new sensations by
touching, tickling, or rubbing other spots, like each
other’s ears, wrists, inside of the knee, collarbone…
you get the picture. K-Y Brand’s Touch Massage™
2-in-1 Warming Liquid in the right location can add
an exciting new sensation. As for breasts: They may
feel super-sensitive and tender, especially during the
first trimester. Some women find it a turn-on, while
others can’t stand to be touched. Let your partner
know what feels good to you.
*Vibrators Yes, vibrators are safe during pregnancy.

The vibrations of an electric vibrator may be too
intense, however, so start with a battery-powered
clitoral massager. Do not place a vibrator inside
your vagina after the second trimester. And do add a
water-based lubricant to protect your delicate tissues
and increase pleasure.
*Mutual masturbation Lie side by side and gaze into

each other’s eyes for a while. Then begin to gently
caress your clitoris or firmly stroke your shaft. Do
it the way you always do it. It may seem odd to be
doing something that’s typically a private pleasure
in front of someone else, but, if you allow yourself
to relax under your partner’s gaze, you may find
yourself enjoying the spotlight. After the two of you
have been doing this for a while, move closer, and
take turns touching each other down there. Try guid-
ing each other, your hand resting lightly on top of
your partner’s, allowing them to feel, through you,
the best ways to get you off.
Note: It is best to skip anal intercourse during preg-

nancy. Dilated veins around the anus during preg-
nancy can be easily damaged and you don’t want to
risk spreading bacteria from your anus to your va-
gina, leading to an infection.
Tips for Him
If you’re a man, it can difficult to understand just

what’s happening in your partner’s body during preg-
nancy, aside from the obvious changes. Here’s what
to look for and how you can help her relax and enjoy
intimacy during these months.
yyLubrication Her vagina may be drier during pregnan-

cy, especially in the first and third trimester, even
when she feels aroused and desires sex. Keep
plenty of water-based lubricant next to the bedside
to use whether you are engaging in intercourse or
manual stimulation. The vulva and vagina are more
sensitive and delicate during pregnancy, especially
in the last trimester, so gentleness is the order of
the day. She may feel more irritated with intense
manual stimulation or vigorous intercourse.
yyFatigue Pregnancy is hard work and most women

will experience extreme fatigue in the first and
last trimester. But that doesn’t mean that your
sex life has to suffer. Schedule sex for the time of
day when she has most energy. For some women,
that’s early morning, for others, it may be later in
the day. Help her with chores around the house
so she can rest and get prepared for sex. This is
a wonderful way to show that you care—and that
by itself will increase her desire to get busy in the
bedroom. And a foot massage has been known to
turn up the heat for some women.
yyBack pain Many women find that back pain, most

common in the late second and third trimesters,
makes it difficult to find a good position for sex
and interferes with pleasure. Offer her a soothing
back massage before sex using lots of warm mas-
sage oil. Once she feels relaxed and comfortable,
continue your massage to her vulva and vagina.
The best position for back pain is spooning.
yyNausea and heartburn Let’s face it: When you feel

sick to your stomach, having sex is the last thing
you want to do. You will just have to be patient
until she is feeling better. Perhaps schedule sex
for later in the day, as nausea is commonly worse
in the morning. The best position for a woman with
heartburn is woman-on-top.
yySelf-esteem Most pregnant women go through

a period in which they don’t feel sexy. Some will
worry whether you still find them attractive. Letting
her know that you are turned on by her sexy curves
and desire her will go a long way in improving her
desire and pleasure.
In Sum
Remember, your sex life doesn’t have to go on hiatus

when you’re pregnant. Although you may need to ex-
periment and make some adjustments to your routine,
you can still enjoy a whole gamut of pleasurable ac-
tivities during these months. Every woman and every
couple is different. Find the sexual rhythm that feels
comfortable for you.
Your life together is about to get a lot more hectic, so

use this time now to reconnect as a couple. You’ll rely
on the closeness you establish now to get creative in
keeping your sex life cooking in the years to come.
3
Sex After Baby:
Back in the Saddle*
Picture this: You’re lying in bed, nestled next to your

partner and holding your newborn. For a moment,
everything is calm. Your guy rubs your shoulder. Your
baby coos in her sleep. You’re the image of a perfect,
happy family.
Then his hand moves down to squeeze your breast.

(Um, ouch.) Her eyes blink and she opens her mouth.
He wants sex. She wants… food? Attention? A clean
diaper? I don’t have to tell you who’s going to win this
round—every time.
Oh, sure, the idea of sex seems nice—you want to

want it, after all. The actual execution? Not so much.
Between a sore body, sleep deprivation, and the over-
whelming task of tending to a tiny person who can’t do
anything for him- or herself, even just a few minutes of
passion seem as attainable as the Holy Grail.
That’s okay. Lest you ever forget, let me remind you:

You just had a baby. Whether through vaginal delivery
or by C-section, your body has been through some
major changes, and it’s going to take time to heal.
Consider all the other factors in play—from hormonal
shifts to body image issues to pure exhaustion—and
you can see why sex usually isn’t on most new moms’
radar screen.
Eventually, though, even the most frazzled parents

need to get close again. Once you have kids, it’s easy
to start identifying yourselves as Mommy and Daddy
and to lose sight the relationship you had before you
gave birth. That’s why it’s so important to set a founda-
tion for intimacy now so you can continue to enjoy a
healthy sex life for years to come. In this section, we’ll
look at how to deal with some of the most common
roadblocks to post-baby sex.
Chapter 9: Post-Baby Libido—You Want

to Want It—But You Don’t Really Want
It
You’ve gotten the go-ahead for sex from your physi-

cian. But a green light doesn’t necessarily mean you’re
ready to step on the gas. Although your husband may
be raring to go (and maybe he isn’t, either), sex might
be the last thing on your mind. Here’s why:
*Hormones, hormones, hormones. It makes sense:

The hormone levels that skyrocketed during preg-
nancy now plummet, taking your sex drive with
them. If you’re breastfeeding, your libido can take
another hit as your body starts releasing prolactin,
a hormone associated with decreased sexual desire.
Once you finish nursing and your hormone levels

even out, your libido should return.
*Fatigue You need energy to enjoy sex. But when

you’re existing on minimal sleep and taking care of
your baby’s every need, that can seem about as likely
as winning the lottery. Simply put, you’re just too
busy—and exhausted—to get busy. New parents are
almost always going to choose shuteye over sex. So
try to nap when your baby naps. Eventually he or she
will develop a regular sleep schedule and you’ll get a
break.
*Body image It’s true: Once you have a baby, your

body changes. I’m not even talking about those extra
pounds—even if you get back to your pre-pregnancy
weight, the landscape of your body has been altered.
Your hips are little wider. Your belly isn’t as flat
as it used to be. Your breasts aren’t quite as perky.
These transformations can all contribute to lower
self-esteem, and that can take a toll on your libido.
What doesn’t change? Your vagina. It’s a myth that
childbirth stretches you out permanently. So don’t
worry that you or your partner won’t enjoy sex as
much as before. Your vagina will return to normal,
especially if you do Kegel exercises to strengthen the
surrounding muscles (see Chapter 11). All told, your

concerns about your body can harm your sex life
more than any changes to your body itself.
*Mommy mode You carried this little being in your

body for all those months—it’s only natural that now
your focus is firmly on your baby. The problem? If
that focus shifts too far from your relationship with
your partner, your sex life can end up on the back
burner. Worse, you may even stop viewing yourself
as a sexual being: You and your partner are now sim-
ply “Mommy” and “Daddy”.
*Postpartum depression Sometimes, a lower libido

is just the tip of the iceberg. Rapidly decreasing hor-
mones may cause you to feel weepy after giving birth.
An event that should fill you with joy leaves you with
tears and anxiety. Fortunately, these feelings typically
resolve within a few weeks of giving birth. If they lasts
longer, you may have postpartum depression (PPD),
a true libido killer. About 20 percent of women ex-
perience PPD, which can occur any time in the year
or so after they gives birth. Watch for signs like sad-
ness, lack of energy, trouble concentrating, anxiety,
and feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Adjusting to
the new normal of parenthood is tough for guys, too:
Although there’s not much research on this subject,

PPD may affect 25 to 50 percent of new fathers, par-
ticularly those who are stay-at-home dads or whose
partners are also experiencing PPD. For both women
and men, counseling, support groups, and medicines
help address PPD.
The 3 “L”s of Breastfeeding
“Breast” may be best, but not when it comes to your

libido. Because of breast milk’s benefits, I recom-
mend that my patients nurse their babies if possible.
Yet breastfeeding can hamper sex drive in several
different ways. If you nurse, don’t stop just to boost
your libido—but do be aware of these effects, which
will likely resolve once you wean your little one.
yyLower libido As I mentioned earlier, breastfeed-

ing triggers the release of prolactin. Although
this hormone is crucial for nursing—it stimulates
milk production—it can send your libido South,
too. Prolactin may make orgasm more difficult to
achieve as well. You might also find that you don’t
view your breasts as an erogenous zone right now.
They may be sore or tender to the touch, lick, or
suck, so let your partner know what feels good.
yyLess lubrication Because levels of the hormone

estrogen drop during breastfeeding, you may no-
tice that your vagina is dry and doesn’t lubricate
as well as it should for comfortable sex. Invest in
a good water-based lubricant with Vitamin E and
Aloe, like K-Y Brand SILK-E™ to add moisture to dry
vaginal tissues, thus enhancing comfort..
yyLeaking Worried that your breasts might leak dur-

ing sex? It’s entirely possible. Some women find
that they leak or spray milk (called “letdown”)
during orgasm, especially when they first start
breastfeeding. You may be able to prevent letdown
by pumping your breasts or nursing your baby be-
fore sex, or wear a bra with pads to bed. But if you
do leak, no need to worry. It’s natural—and good
sex is often messy!
The Delivery Room vs. The Bedroom
Once barred from the delivery room, men are now

invited—and expected—to be present at their child’s
birth. For many guys, it’s an exciting, if nerve-wrack-
ing, experience. Yet for every new dad armed with a
video camera and words of encouragement, there’s
a man who rues ever witnessing the whole messy

affair.
Sure, he’ll describe the event as “incredible”—but

secretly he regrets not just staying at the head of
the bed holding your hand. Instead, he saw things he
wishes he’d never seen, whether that means watch-
ing a vaginal delivery or a C-section. A body part he
previously associated with pleasure may now be to-
tally desexualized, and he can’t go near it without
flashing back to the delivery process. If you had a
C-section, the scar may remind him of watching doc-
tors slice open your abdomen. In either case, it’s
clear that, for some men, childbirth is a libido killer.
Fortunately, this is one trauma that can be overcome

quickly. Guys: Get back in the saddle and just do it!
Even if you have to push yourself through the mo-
tions of intimacy those first few times, eventually the
heady neurochemical cocktail of arousal will do its
job, and you’ll want to keep riding.
Chapter 10: Easing the Way: Making

Sex Comfortable
Even if you’ve got your libido back, you might feel

nervous about sex. Most practitioners advise waiting
about 4 to 6 weeks after delivery before you start hav-
ing intercourse again. It’s normal, though, to continue
worry about whether sex will be pleasurable until you
do it. When you’re ready to give it a shot, try the tips in
this chapter to help make intercourse more comfort-
able and enjoyable.
Does Delivery Make a Difference?
Although we often can’t control how we give birth,

the way you deliver your baby can affect your sex life.
According to recent research, women who deliver via
vaginal birth appear to have greater sexual dissatisfac-
tion than those who deliver through C-section. One
study published in the June 2009 issue of the Journal
of Sexual Medicine, for example, found that women
who had planned C-sections had less pain and better
sexual satisfaction and were more likely to resume hav-
ing intercourse within 8 weeks of delivery than those
who had vaginal births. Other studies have found that
episiotomy (a surgical incision of the skin between the
vagina and anus, or perineum, to enlarge the vaginal
opening for childbirth) may delay the time it takes to

resume intercourse. A 2008 report in Gynecologic and
Obstetric Investigation also found that women who
underwent episiotomy had more pain and vaginal
dryness with intercourse.
The type of delivery you choose should be based on

the health of you and your baby, not your sex life. Still,
it’s good to know what you might expect with both
modes of childbirth so you can take measures to pre-
vent pain during intercourse and other side effects. For
couples ready to get back in the sexual swing of things,
I recommend these steps:
*Be patient. For some women, the tenderness that re-

sults from vaginal childbirth or episiotomy can clear
up relatively quickly, but it may take others months
to have intercourse without discomfort. It can also
take time for the incisions from a C-section to heal.
Wait for the go-ahead from your health practitioner
before having sex again.
*Take it slow. As you’ll learn in Chapter 12, you don’t

have to dive right into intercourse. Hug, kiss, cuddle,
share a fantasy and otherwise play to build stimula-
tion and pleasure. Tell your partner what feels good,
and what doesn’t.
*Invest in a good lubricant. As estrogen levels drop

after pregnancy, you may experience vaginal dryness,
a problem that can be compounded if you’re breast-
feeding by rising levels of the hormone prolactin.
Try using a personal lubricant like the K-Y Brand
SILK-E™ mentioned earilier, to add moisture to dry
vaginal tissues.
*Work it out. The muscles that surround and sup-

port your vagina may be weakened by pregnancy
and childbirth. Strong pelvic floor muscles make it
easier to experience orgasm and increase pleasure for
you and your partner. You can tone and strengthen
the muscles in your pelvic floor by practicing Kegel
exercises. Squeeze your pelvic muscles as if you’re
stopping your stream of urine, hold for 5 seconds,
and release, repeating the cycle 5 times in a row
(don’t do so while actually urinating). Eventually,
work your way up to 10-second intervals.
Dear Dr. Hilda

Q. Can we get pregnant again while I’m breastfeeding?
A. Absolutely. Although women who nurse experience

a delay in menstruation, remember that ovulation
may occur before you start having periods again. Ask
your healthcare practitioner to recommend a type of
birth control that will work for you during this time.
Chapter 11: Reclaiming Intimacy
It’s what some people jokingly call the “fourth trimes-

ter”—those first few months after pregnancy when
your body and mind are still adjusting to having a
new baby. We’ve already talked about the physical
and emotional changes you might experience in this
postpartum period and how they can affect your sex
life. Wait, what sex life? You just added feedings, dia-
per changes, and countless other baby-related tasks to
your already-packed schedule. You’re focusing all that
love and affection on your baby, not your partner. If
you have time for anything else, it’s probably going to
be sleeping, catching up on email, or finishing that last
chapter of your novel. For many women, sex rates dead
last on their to-do list. And chances are, he’s wiped out,
too.
Perhaps that’s why some 70 percent of couples report a

decline in relationship satisfaction after having a baby.
Sure, sex after pregnancy may seem like a chore at first,
but it’s crucial for maintaining intimacy and closeness
with your partner. And, ultimately, that can help make
you both better parents. In this chapter, we’ll look at the
ways you can start to reclaim your sexual connection.
Prioritize sex. You don’t have the luxury of spontane-

ous sex that you had in the past. That means you have
to take more of an active role to make sure sex happens
on a regular basis. Plan ahead, arrange for childcare,
and otherwise make an effort to ensure that you’re able
to set aside even a brief amount of time to focus on
your sexual relationship with your partner.
Practice “choreplay.” Researchers in the Netherlands

have found that the key to getting a woman turned
on and to the heights of orgasmic bliss is a deep sense
of relaxation and a lack of anxiety. They scanned
the brains of 13 women and 11 men while they were
manually stimulated to orgasm by their partners. The
scans showed that, for women, the parts of the brain
responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion
slowed down the more aroused they became, produc-
ing a trancelike state at orgasm. Men showed far less
change in these areas of the brain.
A great way to relax is to eliminate sources of stress

in your life—but you can’t do it alone. If your guy
wants sex, he should know that simply helping out
around the house can go alone way to putting you in
the mood. In fact, studies suggest that women with
partners who pitch in with housework and childcare
are happier and enjoy more sex than those whose men
don’t tackle such chores. So, guys: Help her cross some
of the less exciting stuff off of her to-do list, and you’ll
help move sex closer to the top.
Mix it up. If you’re nervous about starting intercourse

again, try woman-on-top, which allows you to con-
trol the speed and depth of penetration. If you had a
C-section, try lying on your sides facing each other or
spooning, which keeps pressure off of your incision.
Revisit birthing lessons. Remember all that deep

breathing you learned during childbirth classes? It’s
not just beneficial for labor. Deep belly breaths will
help you relax and focus on pleasure, and may even
result in bigger, better orgasms.
Have a quickie. Once you’ve started to reclaim some

sleep, you can use your baby’s naps for another activ-
ity: sex. Get your little one off to dreamland and then
explore the rest of your house. Your dining room table,
kitchen floor, and the shower can all set the stage for a
fun, sexy quickie.
Explore alternatives. Not comfortable going all the

way yet? Kiss, cuddle, spoon, give each other massages,
touch each other, or enjoy oral stimulation to feel
intimate without intercourse. Talk with your partner

about your limits, so you can enjoy each act of inti-
macy for what it is without worrying that it will turn
into a demand for sex.
Take advantage of technology. Lots of couples feel

weird having sex when their baby is in the same room.
So put your baby monitor to use. Although most guys
would rather not hear their baby cry during sex, keep-
ing it on—set to a low volume—may actually help you
relax. It sounds counterintuitive, but you might actu-
ally have less anxiety if you know you can hear your
baby cry.
Take care of yourself. It’s hard to feel sexy when

you’ve got baby puke in your hair. Trade baby duties so
you can take the time to visit the salon, gym, or get a
massage. Better yet, turn one of your date nights into a
fun, flirty shopping trip—shopping for lingerie, that is.
Split up at the store, choose some favorite pieces, and
then retire to the dressing room to put on a little fash-
ion show. If something really blows your mind, splurge
on it. Either way, you’ll help boost your body image
and self-esteem, and stoke the flames of your libidos.
Don’t give up. New dads actually perform a vital rela-

tionship function, which is to bring their partner back
into the relationship and restore the primacy of their

couple-hood: a crucial necessity if they’re to flour-
ish and succeed as a family. After all, someone has to
think about—and fight for—sex in the relationship. As
couples therapist Esther Perel says, “When the father
reaches out to the mother, and the mother acknowl-
edges him, redirecting her attention, this serves to
rebalance the entire family. Boundaries get drawn, and
new zoning regulations get put in place delineating ar-
eas that are adult only. Time, resources, playfulness and
fun are redistributed, and libido is rescued from forced
retirement...the role of more autonomous parent is to
help the primary caregiver disengage from the kids and
reallocate energy to the couple.” So, guys: Keep trying.
Even if she shoots you down, she’ll secretly relish the
compliment that you still find her sexy. Eventually she
will say “yes”—and you’ll have helped do your part to
reestablish intimacy.
Just do it, already. I’m not saying you should have

pity sex just to please you partner, but giving in once
and a while will eventually help you both get back into
it. That’s because arousal begins in your body, while
desire begins in your mind. You don’t always need
desire to feel aroused. And remember, the less you
have sex, the less you want it. The more you have it, the
more you want it. So get busy!
In Sum
You can see now why I urged you to enjoy sex during
conception and pregnancy—maintaining a healthy sex
life as new parents is easier said than done! Remember,
it took nine months to make a baby. It’s going to take
more than one night to re-make your sex life. Take
things slowly—baby steps, if you will—to help ease
anxiety and fear of pain with intercourse. And don’t
be afraid to think outside the box: You may need to be
bolder sexually, to go where you haven’t gone before.
Reclaiming your sex life is a process, but it will happen
naturally once you get things started.
With the advice in this section, you’ll be able to recon-

nect with each other and re-establish that intimate
bond you share as a couple. As Louann Brizendine,
MD, writes in The Female Brain, “Without frequent
touch, the brain’s dopamine and oxytocin circuits
and receptors can feel starved. Couples may not real-
ize how much they depend on each other’s physical
presence until they are separated for a while...In both
males and females, oxytocin causes relaxation, fearless-
ness, bonding, and contentment with each other. And
to maintain its effect long-term, the brain’s attach-

ment system needs repeated, almost daily activation
through oxytocin stimulated by closeness and touch....
Activities such as caressing, kissing, gazing, hugging,
and orgasm can replenish the chemical bond of love
and trust.”
Perhaps you’ll even feel more connected during sex.

After all, you’ve shared an incredibly emotional experi-
ence. Strengthen this bond now, so you’ve got a solid
foundation for sex during parenthood.
4
Sex As Parents:
Into the
Great Beyond*
True or false: Once you have kids, sex is the first thing to
go? If you answered “true,” you’re not alone. According
to a recent survey by the online magazine Baby Talk,
just 24 percent of parents say they’re satisfied with
their post-baby sex lives, compared to 66 percent who
were happy before they had children.
Juggling kids with work and other stresses can add up

to a less than ideal sex life. Hot? Try lukewarm, if not
downright chilly. If you’re a man, you’ve probably also
noticed another culprit interfering with your relation-
ship with your partner. This interloper is younger,
cuter, smells better than you, and is monopolizing
your wife or girlfriend’s attention. No wonder she has
put sex on the back burner—she’s totally preoccupied
with this new person.
I’m talking, of course, about your child. But for many

women, having a baby is not unlike having an affair.
“Eros” refers to the life force that motivates us to love,
and a lot of new moms express that eros by doting
on their newborn—not their male partner. This may
create imbalance in your relationship, not just sexually
but emotionally, too.
I’ve stressed throughout this book the importance of

maintaining a healthy sex life throughout parenthood,
and this is just one more reason why. So, ladies, even
though it can be incredibly difficult to pull yourself
away from your new baby, it’s crucial that you still
connect with your man, too. And guys, I know you
may become more focused on protecting and guard-
ing your little one than on intimacy with your partner.
But look at it this way: Happy children generally have
happy parents. The best thing you can do for your
child is to be selfish. In this section, you’ll learn how
to do just that by redirecting some of that eros toward
each other.
Chapter 12: Finding the Time
Once, you and your partner probably dabbled in some

spicy role-play: doctor and nurse, jock and cheerleader,
teacher and student… you get the picture. These days,
your roles have expanded—but not in any way that
seems conducive to a hot sex life. Instead, depending
on the age of your child, you’re playing nursemaid,
chauffeur, disciplinarian, referee. Those flirty cos-
tumes have been replaced with spittle-stained T-shirts.
Sex has been trumped by sleep.
Between all the tasks that add up to good parent-

hood, sex is probably somewhere between “complete
a triathlon” and “have 10 more kids” on your to-do

list—not impossible, but pretty darn unlikely. It
doesn’t have to be that way! As I’ve stressed before
in this guide, you have to make the time for sex, even
when it feels like you have no time. Here’s how to fit in
some friskiness.
Pencil it in. Okay, scheduled nooky isn’t exactly the

epitome of spontaneity, but sometimes you’ve got to do
what you’ve got to do. Planned sex is better than no sex.
Add “sex” to your calendar—and follow through. One
way to do this is by planning a date night. When you
limit yourself to one date night a month, you might be
lured into something fantastic like a fancy five-course
meal or theater tickets. But sometimes over-the-top
gestures can end up sabotaging your date: You stress
about getting ready and getting out of the house, and
then you’re cranky—hardly the atmosphere you want!
Instead, plan low-key activities that allow you to

focus on each other, like a casual dinner or even a
movie night at home after your child is asleep. Get
acquainted all over again. Reminisce about the things
that attracted you to each other in the first place and
the first time you made love. Cuddle up and talk about
less stressful topics (this is not the time to discuss your
mother-in-law or Junior’s potty training progress).

Chances are, this opportunity to reconnect with each
other may naturally lead to sex. Or try a date day: Get
a sitter for the morning and go back to bed—but not
to sleep!—together.
If you crave an “activity” for your date day or night,

pick up a deck of cards. You won’t be playing Hearts
or Go Fish, though: Instead, you’ll ante up for your
own private version of strip poker. Split up a pack of
blank index cards between you and write down your
most sensitive body parts (back of knees, earlobes,
left nipple, etc.) on half. On the other half jot down
a method of touch you enjoy (a close-mouthed kiss,
a rub, a tickle). Put all your cards in the center of the
table, divided into body parts and types of touch. Play
a classic game of poker with the deck of playing cards.
The winner gets to choose an index card from the top
of the body part pile and a card bearing a method of
touch before asking the defeated one to pay up.
Resist the lure of Facebook. The kids are asleep,

tomorrow’s lunches are packed, and you’ve finally got
a few moments to yourself. What do you do with that
time? If you’re like many parents, you do anything but
focus on each other. Instead, you tackle the sink full
of dishes, flop onto the couch for some Daily Show, or

fire up Facebook for a game of Farmville. We all need
to blow off steam at the end of a long day. Why not
blow it off together? Make sex a priority by having it
first, then tending to chores, mindless entertainment,
or—better yet—sleep.
If you just can’t swear off technology, use it to your

advantage by “sexting” each other when you’re apart.
Start out slow, with an “I’m thinking of you” or an “I
wish you were home already” text. Then start to get
a little bit naughty. Drop hints of the possibility for a
sexy evening together. Take a cell phone pic of a ran-
dom, but still erogenous, body part and send it along.
Later in the day, text your partner about a body part
you wish you could touch, or something you’ve seen or
read that made you think of them. Leave a voice mes-
sage telling them how you can’t wait to see them, and
what you’re doing to prepare. By the time the day ends,
the both of you will likely be all riled up and more apt
to sneak a quickie before bed—or dinner.
Seize the moment. Smart parents know that they’ve

got to grab time for sex when they can find it. Set your
alarm an hour earlier than usual, take a “lunch” break
for an afternoon delight, share a shower together, do
it during naptime, or squeeze in your own play date

when your child is visiting a friend. Another benefit of
the quickie? You’ll likely have sex in some less-expected
places, from your kitchen table to your bathroom floor
to your car. Or take things further by groping each
other (if not having actual intercourse) in an elevator,
movie theater, locked restroom, or other public place.
The change in venue and thrill of getting caught is sure
to spice things up.
Ask for help. Often when women have a baby, we feel

that we have to prove to the world that we can handle
motherhood alone. I recall thinking, “I can do this! I
don’t need help. My baby needs me, and only me.” The
truth is, the baby will be just fine if left with Grandma
for an afternoon so you can do something nice for
yourself. “Me” time is important! Go get your hair and
nails done. Take a yoga class. Take a walk in the park,
alone. Buy sexy negligee, and wear it! When you feel
good about yourself, you are more likely to find the
energy to be kind to yourself, and that includes plea-
sure. Reconnect with your inner vixen and desire for
sex will follow.
Dear Dr. Hilda

Q. I’m worried that our baby will see us having sex.
Should I be concerned?
A. No. While the thought of your little one bearing

witness to your coupling can be unnerving, he or
she has no idea what you’re up to. Your lovemaking
won’t traumatize your baby: Not only is sex foreign to
infants, but most children have few or no memories
before age two. As your child gets older, assuage
your fears and prevent prying eyes by installing a
lock on your bedroom door!
Chapter 13: Sex, Interrupted: Bow-

Chika-Bow—Waaaaaaaah!
You’ve finally set aside some time for sex—lips are kiss-
ing, hands are wandering, maybe you’re already having
intercourse. Suddenly, a scream rings out. Is it your
partner in the throes of ecstasy? You wish. It’s your
baby, wide awake and hungry, wet, poopy, or otherwise
in need of attention. Talk about putting a damper on
things. My patients often complain that their babies
just seem to have an inner radar that senses when
Mommy and Daddy are trying to get busy.
Some guys are easily distracted by such interruptions

and automatically lose their erection. Others try des-
perately to forge ahead, no matter how loud those
sobs. Most women, though, are going to get up out of
bed and head for their baby, leaving their partner in
the dust.
So what’s a couple to do?
* Figure out your baby’s sleep schedule. If she doesn’t

sleep much at night, for example, switch your rou-
tine and have sex in the morning.
* Grab an opportunity to have sex at the beginning

of your baby’s nap- or bedtime. That way, he is less
likely to disturb your intimate time.
* Realize that you don’t have to run every time your

baby whimpers. Believe me, this knowledge will ar-
rive after the first baby! Often, if you just relax and
give her a little time, she will fall back to sleep.
* Play soft music that turns you both on in the

background. You’ll be less likely to hear your baby
turn, burp, coo, or make other normal—but
distracting—sounds.
* Don’t give up. Put him back to sleep and then finish
what you started. And even when you’re putting baby
back to sleep, keep it going with sexy emails, maybe a
little Skype “silent movie” from your partner.
* Send your partner in to take care of baby and treat

yourself to a bath or something that keeps you feel-
ing sexy, like reading yourself a piece of erotica.
In Bed with Baby?
For some parents—particularly women—it’s tough to

resist the lure of letting your baby sleep in your bed.
If you’re nursing every few hours, it can make feed-
ings a lot easier. And it can be pretty sweet to go to
sleep and wake up snuggled next to your little one.
But will letting your baby literally come between you

harm your sex life? Co-sleeping can work for parents
who already have a fulfilling sex life, but you still
need private time away from your child. Personally,
I feel that babies should not sleep in the bed with
Mommy and Daddy. It’s important to reserve private
time with your mate. Even though you may not want
to have sex, snuggling, spooning and touching—skin
to skin— are important to keep that connection and
bonding as a couple. Having that warm little body be-
tween you makes it impossible to do so. If you must
share your bed with baby, however, gently move him
to a bassinet or crib while you make love, or put her
to sleep in another room before you have sex, then
move her back to bed when you’re done. Or leave the
bedroom yourselves and christen the other rooms in
your home.
Chapter 14: Bringing Sexy Back
Let’s be real: The only thing dirty in your home right

now is a Diaper Genie. Days and nights of uninhibited
sex have gone the way of a good night’s sleep, and your
bedroom probably looks more like a daycare center
than a romantic oasis. But if you’re going to have sex,
you want it to be sexy, right? Take some of the same
principles that you rely on for you kids—play dates,
toys, story time—and use them to inject some fun back
into your sex life. Here’s how.
Make a play date. Instead of a typical date night, mix

things up by getting a sitter and spending an afternoon
or evening at a motel. Not only can the time away from
home help you reconnect as a couple, but the novelty
of a new location adds a new dimension of excitement
to things.
Buy yourself some toys. Why should kids have all

the fun? Peruse online shops together and choose
toys you’ll both enjoy. Vibrators, restraints, massage
oils—the options are endless. You don’t have to go far
from home either - you can explore your local drug
store next time you make a run for diapers and baby
powder Trust me, you’ll be pleasantly surprised! Try
fun enhancement product, for instance, to crank up
the heat between the sheets like K-Y’s Yours + Mine

couples lubricant™ or K-Y Intense female arousal
gel™, a personal favorite of mine!
Share a story. Select (or write your own) erotica and

read your favorite passages to each other before bed.
Or pop in a sexy film and have your own adults-only
movie night.
Play dress up. A little role-playing (complete with

costumes and wigs or simply by pretending to be
strangers) can transport you out of Mommy and
Daddy mode. And don’t just rely on your new perso-
nas. Make the time to do what you need to do to feel
sexy, whether that’s getting a haircut, going for a run,
or shopping for a new outfit. Remember who you were
before you had kids, and take some steps to get reac-
quainted with that person. Your partner—and your
sex life—will thank you.
Relationship Pitfalls
Think you’ve baby-proofed your relationship? It may

not be as secure as you imagine. Aside from the day-
to-day changes of dirty diapers and sleepless nights,
having kids can affect you and your partner in less
obvious ways. Keep an eye out for these two relation-
ship pitfalls that commonly affect new parents:
Problems with porn Many new dads turn to porn

as a way to cope with the natural, post-baby sex rut.
These days, that’s easier than ever, since access to
the Internet means that, for most men, porn is just
a click away. It’s difficult to avoid and it isn’t always
a problem: Masturbation allows him to quickly blow
off a little steam and relax, which is fine if his female
partner isn’t in the mood. But when porn becomes
an issue when it starts to take precedence over his
sex life with his partner. Is he using it as a way to
escape his relationship? Watch for these signs:
yyIs he less interested, or no longer interested, in

sex? He may be putting all his energy into porn
instead of reserving it for his partner.
yyDoes he seem detached and disconnected during

sex? He may be so used to the intense visual
stimulation of porn that he can’t focus on the sex

he’s having.
yyIs it taking him longer to reach orgasm, or is he

not reaching it at all? He may have developed a
masturbation style that is quite different from what
it feels like to have sex with a person.
Flirty friendships It’s easy to feel like a third wheel

when your partner is wrapped up in your new baby,
or to feel like your sexual identity has been replaced
with “Mommy” and “Daddy”. This can lead some
parents to seek emotional connections outside of
their relationship. This new attention can be particu-
larly thrilling when you’re feeling overwhelmed by the
routine of parenthood. Like porn, flirty friendships
have become easy to achieve, thanks to email, in-
stant messaging, and social networking sites. But
when does a friendship cross the line and become
an emotional affair? Look for these qualities:
yyClose friendship and emotional intimacy. While

friendship alone isn’t enough to qualify as cheating,
a feeling of shared closeness and understanding
is the starting point for an emotional affair.
yySecrecy. Here’s where friendship and attraction

cross the line into emotional cheating. Each per-
son stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship
with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in
the “friend” and less in his or her partner.
yySexual Attraction. You start to idealize the other

person and fantasize about what sex would be like.
This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary re-
lationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a
connection before progressing to sex are often the
most difficult to break off—and the most damaging
to the other relationship.
Chapter 15: Getting—and Staying—Out

of a Rut
Most couples fall into a sex rut every now and then,
especially once they’ve become parents. According to
CNN, some 41 million Americans are stuck in sex ruts.
Between dealing with work and kids, not to mention
life’s other stresses, it’s no wonder. But beware: a rut
can easily become a slump. In fact, one recent poll by
NBC Today found that 30 percent of people have gone
a few months without sex—and 22 percent have gone
a whole year. Talk about a dry spell!
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to fall into a rut. If you’re

like many couples, the work of taking care of your chil-
dren can make you feel too tired do anything but sleep.
And the less sex you have, the less you tend to want
it. When you go without sex for a while, levels of the
critical hormone testosterone drop, in both men and
women. Lower testosterone means a lower sex drive.
But there are many reasons why you should have sex,
and not just because you think you should. Regular sex
rejuvenates you, relieves stress, boosts immunity, de-
creases depression, releases feel-good chemicals called
endorphins, and actually improves sleep. Of course,
once you’re in a rut, it can be tricky to get out.
My biggest piece of advice: Just do it. Are you really

too tired or busy, or are you just not making an effort
to feel sexual? I’m not saying you should fake it, but
sometimes it’s worth jumping in with both feet, even
if you aren’t totally in the mood. Unlike men, many
women aren’t even aware of their physical arousal
(increased blood flow to the genitals) and don’t neces-
sarily experience sexual desire before they have sex. For
these women, desire may not be the cause of sexual
activity but the result. That means that a woman can
“take one for the team” when she thinks she doesn’t re-
ally want sex and still end up having a great time—and
even an orgasm. You may find you’re like many of my
patients and, once you give in to sex, wonder why you
don’t do it more often!
Even better, just as less sex equals lower libido, more sex
can boost your libido. It’s a little like exercise: Sure it
seems like a lot of work, and it’s easy to not find time to
do it. But the more you do it, the better it feels. Simply
put, sex begets sex. Having sex once a week can raise
your testosterone levels, re-sexualize your relationship,
and help you reconnect with each other. Pretty soon,
you may find yourself discovering time you didn’t
know you had—and using that time for sex.
In Conclusion
Parenthood: It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love. And

no matter how much you do love it, having kids will
change your relationship in ways you never anticipat-
ed. One such change: your sex life. As much as you’d
like, you just won’t have the sexual relationship you
had before you had a baby. The good news? Your sex
life can be even better! I hope this guide has shown you
how to maintain a happy, healthy sex life throughout
parenthood. And I hope you’ve learned that it’s okay
to be selfish, for the sake of your sex life and your kids.
Keep putting your relationship first. Your family will
thank you!

Gib Sitby

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THE GOOD IN BED GUIDE TO SEX AND THE

BABY YEARS. Copyright © 2010 by Hilda Hutcherson.

Cover design by Jen Wink, book design by Emily Blair

ISBN 978-0-9843221-4-5 (e-book)

Disclaimer: This book contains advice and infor-

Dr Hutcherson’s commitment to women’s health is

Dr Hutcherson is the author of 3 books: Having Your

Our mission is to revolutionize the way the people

All of our eBooks are written by credentialed experts

When it comes to your sex life, we know we can’t

Please visit us at www.goodinbed.com

About the Author 3

About Good in Bed 4

Introduction by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. 7

Part 1: Sex During Conception 10

Chapter 1: Trying Times 11

Chapter 2: Keeping Conception Sexy 13

Chapter 3: Challenges for Men 26

Chapter 4: Challenges for Women 34

Part 2: Sex During Pregnancy 41

Chapter 5: Ch-Ch-Changes: What’s Going on

Chapter 6: Hot—or Not? 48

Chapter 7: Top 3 Myths about Sex and Pregnancy 54

Part 3: Sex After Baby — Back in the

Chapter 9: Post-Baby Libido—You Want to

Chapter 10: Easing the Way: Making Sex

Chapter 11: Reclaiming Intimacy 81

Part 4: Sex As Parents — Into the

Chapter 12: Finding the Time 90

Chapter 13: Sex, Interrupted: Bow-Chika-

Chapter 14: Bringing Sexy Back 99

Chapter 15: Getting—and Staying—

Introduction by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

Warning to all new parents and wannabe new

Once you get down to the business of baby-making,

At Good in Bed, we believe that sex matters. It’s the

When you have a baby, sex goes from being something

wonder studies show that 90% of new parents experi-

In the end, every parent wants his or her child to be

That’s where this book comes in. Hilda Hutcherson,

of four. This lady knows what she’s talking about!

From the pressures of conceiving, to the fumblings

Once you enter the baby years, everyone has an opin-

Chapter 1: Trying Times

At first blush, trying to conceive is one of the most ex-

We approach conception sex with the fantasy that every

On paper, doing the “baby dance” sounds great. You’ve

Some couples get pregnant right away. Others find

According to one recent survey, the average couple has

Chapter 2: Keeping Conception Sexy

No matter how devoted you are to each other, and to

In fact, lots of parents complain that their sex life suf-

Top 4 Potential Sex-Life Spoilers for Couples Trying

1. Spoiler: Scheduled sex. Spontaneity: It can make

Yet even before parenthood, all that starts to change.

Solution: You may not have complete control over all

day or date night together. Call in sick and play hooky

Take things a step further and add a little role-playing.

Bring those days back by pretending you’re strangers

Next, approach your partner, exchange fake names,

subtle forms of touch. Put a hand around her waist.

However you spice things up, don’t feel forced to limit