Established thinking it was a Capricorn...now it’s a Sagittarius? Or is it?

It doesn’t give a flying f***

January

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 13
14
2011
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Undergraduate Market recreates Animal House... on its own
couple to set By: Emily Croushore
Staff Writer
At that moment, I looked
down at my yellow plate and
swung brooms and spatulas in
the air to knock down the wild
hookup record Late Thursday night, after
a long exhausting day of clas-
noticed that my glob of
mashed something-or-other
rebellious meat while students
took cover under tables, inside
By: Alix Cohen ses and cold weather, I was alone, that there was no trashcans, and behind Magel-
Staff Writer
dragged myself into Market Old Bay seasoned slab of fish lan’s.
A certain undergraduate cou- Central in hopes of finding one on my plate. I looked around A sophomore, Zoe Alexan-
ple is taking the recommenda- edible and satisfying meal to in the havoc of students and der, recalled the traumatic
tions of their fellow students to consume. As I slid a crusty- followed their pointing fingers event as, “One of the most
heart. hard piece of fish (I think) in the air until I spotted my horrific and smelly moments
Having read that the Cathe- onto my cold plastic plate, I dinner soaring through the of my entire life.”
dral of Learning is the Best heard the most startling 360 Degrees sign and land on Needless to say, the meat
Place On Campus To Hook Up, sounds in my entire life. It top of the sizzling stove. was all accounted for, but the
they are doing so—on all thirty- was a combination of every Within seconds, imitation percentage of vegetarians at
eight floors accessible to stu- student’s voice screaming, crabmeat, tofu, and mystery the university flew through
dents. yelping, and crying out in meat all broke free from their the roof the following day,
(The couple in question has fear, all at the same time! plastic packages and began pun intended.
requested that we not print “Your fish is flying!” soph- hopping, flopping and weav-
their names. Quite frankly, we omore Matthew Franklin hol- ing in and out of panicky stu-
applaud this gesture, since it lered at me. dents. Cooks and janitors
adds a layer of mystique to their
plans, as well as making it hard-
er for them to get caught by
anyone who they haven’t told
about it on Facebook. There-
fore, we will uphold the time-
honored tradition of “He Said,
She Said.”)
“It started as a joke,” He
said. “I told [She] to meet me in
the Honors college, and I didn’t
expect her to come. But she
texted me from there, so I
went.”
After enjoying themselves on
the 36th-floor balcony, She says,
they had the idea to move
downstairs.
“To a couch on the 35th floor,
then down the stairs to the 34th,
which was a bit creepy,” She
admitted. “But by then we both
had this idea, and that was to
keep going.”
Asked if the couple was wor-
ried about getting caught, She
nodded, while He merely
shrugged. Neither of them an- Brigid Mulholland/Staff Photographer
swered the question.
Having a giant beer can outside your stoop: it’s fashionable, it’s convenient, and it tells you the tempera-
Hookups, Page 2 ture outside...hint, it’s cold.
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

Couple goes for
record
Hookups, Page 1
During our conversation, the
couple was eager to tell us
about their respective winter
breaks.
“I flew home,” She said,
clinging to He, “and I was so
glad they only sent me
through a metal detector.
I’d’ve died if they put me in
the pornoscanner, you know,
or patted me down.”
Pitt has offered up com-
ments suggesting that they
disapprove, but an inside
source claims that they are
secretly supporting the en-
deavor, hoping to get Pitt into
the Guinness Book of World
Records for an entirely new
category.
On the outside, though, they
insist on student safety.
“We know what floors
they’ve been on, but not ex-
actly where,” said Pitt spokes-
man Johnny Infedele. “We
would advise Cathedral stu-
dents to wipe their seats before
sitting down; we don’t want
any pregnancies.”
Get ready for Valentine’s; it’s only a month away
By: Kelsey Henke
Staff Writer
Ladies, Valentine’s Day is
approaching. One month from
now, your girl friends will be
unwrapping romantic gifts and
eating grilled chicken at a casu-
al dining restaurant. If you
don’t want to be the only one
left out of the post V-day date-
comparison conversation, you
ought to start making arrange-
ments now.
If you already have a man,
the first step is to find some-
thing pretty and expensive
such as a rose dipped in 24K
gold, cocoa dusted Belgian
truffles or a purple Pillow Pet
in the shape of a hippo.
Once you have settled on an
object of desire, start leaving
subtle hints: mumble the word
“Alaskan cruise” or “semi pre-
cious stones” while you pretend
to be sleeping, arrange the
chocolate chips in his pancakes
into the shape of an orchid or
splice clips of the gem shopping
network into that CSI episode
he Tivo-ed last night.
As the date approaches, start
filling the refrigerator with red
wine and clipping Applebee’s
coupons.
If you are a single lady, the
process is slightly different.
You must first find yourself a
man.
The object is not necessarily
to meet the father of your fu-
ture children; you just need to
find someone who will take you
to Olive Garden and the 9pm
screening of Sanctum. When
selecting your future boyfriend
is to make sure that he fits the
criteria.
Ideally, he will be in the
country for the next month
(avoid vacationers, business
travelers, wanted felons and
illegal immigrants).
He will also have a wallet or
money-carrying device with an
adequate amount of currency
enclosed.
In addition, he should also
have at least most of his teeth,
vision and hair. Note: it’s im-
possible for you to illicit the
necessary level of jealousy from
your lady friends with even the
best comb over.
The final preparation is to
publically legitimize your rela-
tionship for the next month by
all means possible. Make a hab-
it of using the word “lover” or
“soul mate” to the point where
it is borderline disturbing.
If all goes as planned, you
will have the most sickeningly
romantic story to contribute to
the post v-day convo, as well
as a crowd of lady friends, who
will be so envious they’ll want
to claw your eyes out.
Good luck!
Great tip to pick someone up:
share this paper with them!
They’ll be laughing so hard,
they’ll forget all your character
flaws!
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The Pittiful News

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