Established almost 2 years before my stalker caught and killebnnmj aadb
December
The Pittiful News
The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University
SCANDAL!
PITT PAN-
THER CAUGHT
TOTALLY DO-
ING IT WITH
NITTANY LI-
ON!
By: Mia Bencivenga
Investigative Journalist
„Tis a sad day here at the Univer-
sity of Pittsburgh. Thus, I am go-
ing to use poetic language like
“‟tis,” “thus,” and “totally,” to
further emphasize the Shakespeare-
an-esque tragedy of this occasion.
You are welcome, English Majors.
I, having no major, thought it
would be a great idea to experiment
with different professions to find
my calling, and stop being what my
mother calls “A Loser.”
As such, I ventured into the
world of investigative journalism;
via stalking well known faculty
members, wiretapping Bouquet
Gardens, and luring freshman into
dangerous and morally challenging
situations.
I discovered little.
Contrary to popular belief, facul-
ty members do not live in their of-
fices, thus naught was found.
However, there is a great deal of
phone sex going on in Bouquet; but
that‟s fairly common knowledge.
By the way; there is little challenge
in breaking down the moral fiber of
a freshman. I was becoming frus-
trated. But then, one day, shortly
after the conclusion of yet another
Pitt Basketball game, I saw some-
thing curious as I was about to
head back to my dorm in order to
Affair, Page 2
of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 12
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
75,000 prehistoric dollar fine.
Miami Heat powers forward
By: Benjy Narotsky
Staff Writer
Chris Bosh hasn‟t earned
membership into “The Big
Three” yet.
This offseason, LeBron
James and Chris Bosh
teamed up with Dwyane
Wade in Miami. This super-
star trio had plans to The
Miami Heat were the consen-
sus pre-season pick for NBA
Finals champion by the ex-
perts. Unfortunately, the
NBA didn‟t declare these
three as champions just for
teaming up together.
On July 9, LeBron James
had an hour-long special, The
Decision, to announce where
he would play this NBA sea-
son. No one knew what to
expect.
Cleveland fans assumed he
wouldn‟t leave his hometown
team where he was viewed
almost as God.
Then, LeBron stabbed the
entire state of Ohio in the
heart by proclaiming, “This
fall, I‟m taking my talents to
South Beach.” On the other
hand, Chris Bosh simply stat-
ed “I‟m going to Miami,” and
it seems that Chris Bosh left
his talents north of the border
with his former team, the
Toronto Raptors.
Through his first ten
games, Bosh is averaging on-
ly 14 points and 6 rebounds,
significantly worse than his
career averages of 20 points
and 9 rebounds. Also, 6‟1”
171 lb Celtics guard Rajon
Rondo dunked over the
“superstar” in a recent game.
02
2010
Many people are befuddled
by his poor production thus
far. How did he average 20
points and 9 rebounds a game
with Toronto when he hardly
seems like a presence in Mi-
ami?
Fox Sports blames the ex-
change rate for Bosh‟s de-
crease in production. “They
pay for their gas in Canadian
dollars per liter, you can‟t tell
me 20 points and 9 rebounds
north of the border is the
same as 20 points and 9 re-
bounds in the states.”
ESPN analyst Chris Brous-
sard has another theory. He
speculates Bosh‟s stats with
Toronto were just made up.
He explained, “No one was at
those games in Toronto.
Think about it, if the stat boy
made up statistics at the end
Mr. E, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com
Insert NBA
related headline
here
Bosh, Page 1
of every game, would anyone
even notice? ”
Regardless of why Bosh hasn‟t
been as good as expected, his
paltry production is bringing up
many questions for Heat head
coach Eric Spoelstra.
What should Spoelstra do?
Should he make Chris Bosh run
extra in practice as a punish-
ment? Should he force Bosh to
use the weight room so that no
more point guards dunk on him?
Should he really believe Chris
Bosh isn‟t a good basketball
player? Should he admit that
Chris Bosh is NOT a role mod-
el? ;) Seriously, what should he
do? Should he accept his role as
having to coach players who are
uncoachable? Maybe he should
just resign? Should he tell the
media to stop calling Wade,
James, and Bosh as “The Big
Three,” since only two/thirds of
the trio are producing like super-
stars? Should he not have lis-
tened to his front office who told
him Chris Bosh would was one
of the top ten players in the
league? But they‟re his front
office.
Over the next few weeks, the-
se questions and many more will
be answered. However, one
thing is certain right now, the
Heat will not be able to coast
their way to multiple champion-
ships with Chris Bosh as their
leader.
Excited to hear more? Think
that Bosh shouldn’t be let in, or do
you agree that he should. Or are
you just a Pittsburgh native, and
thus don’t really give a f*** about
the NBA?
Shoot us a 2-point e-mail at
PittifulNews@gmail.com
TCU joins Big East...if you just went “who?”, read on
By: Quinn Hetrick
Staff Writer
On Monday it was an-
nounced that Texas Christian
University had accepted an
invitation to join the Big East
Conference. While it is obvious
why a school like Texas Chris-
tian would want to join the
Big East, which allows them
to play powerhouse teams like
Rutgers and Louisville, it is
not clear why the Big East
would offer a spot to such an
unknown and unproven insti-
tution.
Only the best teams get to
play in the BCS bowl games,
and since the winner of the Big
East Conference automatically
gets a bowl bid, it is clearly
one of the top and most re-
spected football conferences. If
we allow these no-name teams
like Texas Christian Universi-
ty to join our conference, what
is that saying about us? It
makes us look like sissies who
Lack of pictures a blessing for recent sex scandal
Affair, Page 1
water board a peculiarly re-
sistant freshman.
Our beloved mascot, known
as “Roc Panther”, came out of
the bathroom looking dishev-
eled, ashamed, but none the
less very pleased with himself.
I knew that expression well. I
waited behind a conveniently
placed tree near the restrooms
to see who his partner was in
this a most naughty tango of
love (sex). Sure enough, a gen-
tleman came out hurriedly,
wrapped in a trench coat with
a veil over his face. But there
was something off about this
man…He had a tail. I fol-
lowed this betailed gent to his
car, jumping from tree to tree.
The car had a “If God isn‟t a
Penn State fan, Then Why is
The Sky Blue and White?”
sticker on its bumper. That
could mean only one thing.
padded our schedule just to
get an easy win, much like
another Pennsylvania school.
It may start with this “Texas
Christian” school, but before
too long the Big East will be
letting anyone join like the
Community College of Jeffer-
son County or Auburn Univer-
sity.
The Big East has a history
of allowing only the top and
best football teams in the
country to play in its confer-
ence. The conference has even
been known to kick out teams
who don‟t perform up to par,
like in 2004 when it booted
Virginia Tech, Miami, and
Temple, and in 2005 when it
kicked out another member,
Boston College. This is why
allowing a mostly unknown
Texas team join is such a
shock.
When attempting to find
out more about Texas Chris-
tian University, hardly any
Roc had torn up the turf all
right--the enemy turf.
I couldn‟t believe it.
Roc is known for his promis-
cuity, killer bod, and overall
playboy attitude towards fel-
low mascots, while the Nitta-
ny Lion is hailed at Penn State
for his celibacy, various de-
formities, overall coldness and
lack of friends. How could
such a pairing be possible?
Sources say they met a mascot
convention shortly before fall
semester.
It began, it was said, as
Roc‟s way of further humiliat-
ing Penn State (since we rarely
get the opportunity to do it on
the football field) by seducing
the lonely and unloved lion
and sexting all of the other
mascots compromising photos.
But then it appears, in the
heat of the moment, a bizarre
information could be found.
They certainly aren‟t a ranked
school, and no record or past
season history could be found
on ESPN‟s website. I‟m begin-
ning to wonder if this Chris-
tian school in Texas even has a
football team, or are they only
joining our conference to par-
ticipate in college hopscotch,
tether ball, and other Jesus
approved games.
Lastly, the Big East is
known for having the most
fearsome and intimidating
mascots. Pitt has the panthers,
Cincinnati has the bearcats
(whatever that is), and WVU
has a redneck incestual hillbil-
ly. What is the mascot of this
newest member? For all we
know it‟s something gay like
TCU‟s spiked toads or whatev-
er they are. This move might
be the beginning of the end for
the great Big East Conference.
love was born. Upon this love
being born, the planets fell out
of alignment, the earth
quaked, and several Pitt and
Penn state fans committed
Japanese ritualistic suicide
“Seppuku” in order to preserve
their honor.
I find this morally appalling.
If we can‟t count on our mas-
cots to preserve the hate, then
who? Roc refuses to comment.
And upon questioning, the
Nittany Lion downed a bottle
of Four Loko and ran into his
cave sobbing all the while. I
wonder what kind of debauch-
eries occurred in that cave.
Makes me all hot and bothered
just thinking about it--which
makes me even angrier.
But friends, take comfort in
this, at least we all know who
was pitching and who was
catching.