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D ating gurus will often give you a set of dating rules to follow to get your soulmate.
These rules are designed to get someone to fall in love with you. To chase you. To find
you so attractive that they can’t resist you.
Those bullshit dating rules go something like this:
● Don’t make yourself too available. (Message: available people are not
desirable. Reality: Available people are the most attractive partner. They are
supportive, caring, and invest into the relationship)
● Say you’re busy, even if you’re not. (Message: lie, because...that’s a healthy
way to start a relationship? Reality: Starting out with a lie only encourages you to
hide your true feelings and lie later in the relationship.)
● Don’t call him wait for him to call you. (Message: don’t express your
needs, they’re not valid. Reality: Your needs come first. If you lack the
selfrespect to express your needs, how do you expect someone else to respect
them?)
● Don’t appear to care too much. (Message: showing someone they matter is
not a way to keep them. Make them feel insecure and they’ll stick around. Reality:
You will never have amazing sex or a happy relationship unless you can be
vulnerable and truly care about your partner.)
● Act mysterious. (Message: Uncertainty in a relationship is healthy. Reality:
Studies show constant uncertainty and lack of security in the relationship leads to
health issues and depression, among other problems. There is always a sense of
mystery to every person, but it doesn’t mean you have to hide things to keep
things sexy. That leads to mistrust. Mistrust leads to misery. )
All of these messages teach us that independence is the way to preserve our dignity and
gain our partner’s respect. If you are following this advice and you are “needy,” you’re
doing the exact opposite of your true self. You’re behaving in inauthentic ways that are
not true to your needs and feelings. You’re manipulating someone to fall in love with a
fake person.
You put on a mask to appear strong
and selfsufficient.
But these books and the advice they
offer are correct. They do indeed make
you more attractive.
What they neglect to tell you, because
they’re unaware of the science of love,
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is that they will make you only attractive to a very specific kind of person; a person who
is emotionally unavailable. The one that pushes you away when you need closeness.
Why?
The advice is teaching you to ignore your needs and let the other person dictate the
amount of closeness in the relationship. The person you will attract will be able to have
his cake and eat all of it. They get to enjoy the closeness when you are together, and then
they can can ignore your needs for intimacy and togetherness the rest of the time.
By being someone you’re not, you’re allowing another person to decide the terms of your
relationship.
In the long run, you'll turn into a crash test dummy who's getting slammed into the
emotional walls your partner puts up. Only to tear open your heart. After that happens,
the emotionally unavailable partner will notice the real you starting to show.
We all know we can only hide our true self for so long.
When you start to show that you want intense intimacy and desire to spend a lot of
quality time together, you’re partner will turn cold. They’ll start to disengage from the
relationship in any way that they can.
Taking the common dating advice to heart will only break your heart. You’ll never win
because you are attracting the wrong kind of partner for you.
You’ll attract someone who:
● Sends ambiguous messages about their feelings and commitment to the
relationship.
● Longs for an ideal relationship, but subtly hints that you are not that ideal
person.
● Disregards your emotional needs and will disregard them, even when confronted.
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● Tells you that you are “too needy,” “the sensitive one” or “overreacting.” All of
these tell you that your feelings don’t matter to them. They’ll make you
secondguess yourself.
You are only as troubled as the relationship you’re in. If you don’t want to have the most
toxic relationship of all, then follow the 5 secrets to finding your soulmate below.
D ating is a graveyard of broken hearts. There isn’t a single one of us that doesn’t have
battle scars.
If you’re like me, you may have learned that being vulnerable and seeking closeness only
causes your partner to push you away. Maybe you’ve been called needy or sensitive. If
you’ve heard it a few times, I have bad news for you: you probably are.
Since common dating advice teaches us that this is bad, we adapt and hide our true
needs and feelings. We put on the mask of independence and stuff our feelings into the
black box of our soul. We hide ourselves from the world.
If you do this long enough, you may start to hate yourself. I know I did. At this point, any
selfhelp advice you follow is done out of selfhatred. It’s done out of desire to be
someone else. Anyone else.
Here’s the problem. This is fucking wrong.
Our society and life experiences have taught us to be attracted to those who make us
insecure. We confuse the anxiety and ambiguity in a relationship with passion and
chemistry. As a result, we find ourselves in unhappy relationship after unhappy
relationship. We began hiding more of who we are while we become more insecure, just
to hold on to our partner.
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This is not the love nature intended.
You are only as troubled as the relationship you’re in. And if you find yourself in
relationships where your partner calls you needy or sensitive, than you’re probably
attracted to an emotionally unavailable partner. Will that really make you happy?
I want to help you change that, as I have for many of my clients. Below are the secrets to
finding a fulfilling and happy relationship that will boost your confidence, your security,
and your happiness far more than you’ve ever experienced.
Below are five secrets to finding your soulmate
1) Your Needy Relationship Needs Matter
Face it. You’re sensitive and
needy. Any hint of rejection in
the relationship puts you on high
alert. Sometimes you are
obsessed with waiting for your
partner's response.
Sometimes you text the person
more than you believe you
should. Sometimes you call four
times in 3 minutes, and then you wonder why you did it.
When I was in a toxic relationship, I’d snoop through text messages, loiter around places
I thought my nonresponsive partner would be, desperate to find an opportunity to
connect. I was obsessed. It was ruining my life. My friends and family were worried.
Eventually, I found out that we are only as troubled as the relationship we are in.
When we use common dating advice, we attract a person who refuses to acknowledge
our need for intimacy and security in a relationship.
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You will never be happy if your needs for intimacy, availability, and security
go unmet. The key to finding a soulmate who can fulfill those needs is to recognize
your needs and believe they are legitimate.
Don’t let people make you feel like dog poop for being dependent or needy. You
shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling incomplete when you’re single, or for wanting
closeness to your partner. It’s okay to be dependent. Understanding yourself your
attachment style, things that trigger insecurity and what your true needs are is the road
to a fulfilling relationship.
Once you accept your needs in a relationship, you can begin deciding whether the people
you date are willing to meet those needs.
Instead of trying to find ways to change yourself to get someone to fall in love with you,
like so many relationship books advise, change your question: Is this person willing to
provide what I need in order to be happy?
2) Understand Attachment Science and Avoid Avoidant Prospects
The science of love has given
us many insights about
relationships. It teaches us
why people do what they do. It
explains why they act crazy
and how we can express our
needs in ways that get them
met. Most importantly, it
teaches us to notice
emotionally unavailable
partners and stop ourselves from being turned on by these kinds of people.
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Another easy way to know whether you’re dating an avoidant someone who is
emotionally unavailable is to notice how they make you feel.
You might be dating an emotionally unavailable person if you communicate your needs
and he or she ignores it. It doesn’t come down to specific behavior. If your relationship is
plagued with uncertainty, then your relationship is diseased.
Your emotional needs need to be important to your partner, and you need to be certain
of that.
While your partner may say the right things at the right times, if their actions tell a
different story, then that’s the message you need to hear. A simple way to test this is to
be vulnerable and communicate your needs honestly.
3) Use Vulnerable Communication
Sensitive people are easily trapped by common relationship books and society. We often
feel we are too demanding and needy in our relationships. If we are dating an avoidant,
we put our partner's need for distance and boundaries above our need for closeness.
Socially, it’s more acceptable to put on this cool, selfsufficient facade. We hide our
wishes and mask our misery. By doing this, we beat ourselves up in two ways.
First, we are being inauthentic to our self. This has been found to contribute to feelings
of depression and less fulfillment in a relationship. Being happy and fulfilled is one of
the most attractive traits you can offer a partner.
Second, you can determine early on if your partner is willing to meet your genuine
needs. Not everyone has relationship needs that are compatible with you. Let them find
someone else who wants to be kept at a distance. Free yourself to go find someone who
will make you happy and meet your needs.
What do I mean by vulnerable communication?
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Meet Angela. At 32 she had been dating Aaron for 11 months when he decided to end the
relationship. He said he wasn’t ready to get serious. He needed space.
Angela was deeply hurt. Like a typical sensitive person, she couldn’t stop thinking about
him. Months passed. She couldn’t stomach the idea of dating anyone else. She was so
deeply connected to him. Four months later, Aaron called her and wanted to get back
together.
Angela was ecstatic.
This time, they took things slow. She let him dictate the terms of the relationship. His
fear of commitment gave her the fear that she’d scare him away if she was honest about
what she wanted.
Instead of falling into the same pattern that Aaron created in the first relationship,
Angela was advised to make her wishes known. To say, “I love you a lot and I need to
know that you are here for me all the time. I want the reassurance that I can talk to you
everyday, not just when it’s convenient for you.”
This is reasonable. After all, Aaron was the one who wanted to get back together. He had
to prove he was willing to change how he treated her and was worthy of her love.
But Angela believed that if she just held out long enough, if she gave him the space and
plenty of time, he would learn to appreciate her. She hoped that if she masked her true
needs and played it cool, he would be more attracted to her.
Eventually, her flaming relationship with Aaron turned into cold ashes. He called less
and less. He ignored her wellbeing, and eventually vanished without word.
Angela would have saved herself years of unfulfilling relationships if she just would have
been authentic about her desires. If only she would have been vulnerable enough to
voice her feelings and needs, she would have ended the toxic relationship much earlier.
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Being vulnerable about what you need and want in a relationship is the fastest way to
give your best effort, while simultaneously discovering if your partner is willing and
capable of providing what you need.
If Angela would have been vulnerable, she would have put Aaron in a dilemma. He
would have the choice to either rise to her expectations, or stay where he was and let the
relationship die.
Either way, it’s a winwin when you are vulnerable. The relationships that can’t fulfilling
your needs cease to exist.
Aaron would have understood from day one that if he was serious about getting back
together, he would have to put actions behind his worlds and take Angela’s needs into
consideration. Vulnerable communication is hard, but it gives both partners clear ideas
of what is expected. No guesswork required.
Vulnerability is the core of a lasting, happy relationship.
4) Scarcity is BullShit in Modern Dating
There are a disproportionate
number of emotionally
unavailable partners in the
dating pool. This makes your
dating odds not so pretty. One
way to overcome this hurdle
calls for a vital change in your
dating mindset.
Often, us sensitive people
believe that meeting someone suitable is a rare occurrence. This is far from the truth.
Every city across the world contains attractive people who can make you happy. There
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are also many who are not right for you. The only way to ensure you meet potential
soulmates is to go out with a lot of people.
This is the simply law of probability. The more people you date, the greater your chances
of finding a good match for you. This works especially well for needy lovers because they
tend to get attached almost instantly.
Sensitive people crave closeness and will do anything in their power to make it work.
This even happens before you really get to know someone and decide whether you like
that person or not!
If you’re only seeing one person, your beliefs cause you at an early stage of the
relationship to lose your ability to judge whether this person is a good fit for you or not.
You’re so focused on keeping a relationship that you ignore signs that it is
the wrong relationship.
By dating multiple people you can evaluate your potential partners more objectively.
You’ll be so busy evaluating the availability of a lot of different people that you won’t be
as likely to obsess about one person.
This makes it easy to stop seeing people who make you feel insecure or inadequate,
because you haven’t built all of your relationship hopes on one potential partner.
Why waste time with someone who treats you like a slave when you can
have several potential partners lined up who treat you like royalty?
Online dating, apps, and Facebook have made it easy to date multiple people. Dating
multiple people before committing to a relationship makes it easier to express your
needs and wishes clearly. You’re no longer afraid that you’ll chase away a rare gem. You
no longer have to hide your true feelings and tiptoe around important issues.
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Lacey, 28, is a perfect example of this. Despite being attractive, social, and witty, she
rarely made it past the first few dates of a relationship. She craved intimacy and
closeness in her relationships, but was certain she would never meet anyone.
She was highly sensitive and would get hurt easily. To protect her high sensitivity, she
would act defensive, ignore calls, and remain silent until the relationship would end.
Dating, for her, became one big selffulfilling prophecy.
She would beat herself up over letting someone go. She struggled to let go and move on.
Her repeated actions seemed to attract emotionally unavailable men who felt more
comfortable with a lack of communication, but left Lacey unhappy.
To help her, we created a dating portfolio that included online dating, places her ideal
partner spends their time, and asked her friends to keep an eye out. Shortly, she started
meeting lots of new men, increasing her odds of meeting a secure man. A man who
could give her the relationship she always dreamed of.
As she started dating multiple men, her attitude changed. Before, she viewed every man
she liked as her last chance for happiness. Now prospects were everywhere! Like all of
us, she experienced disappointments; that’s just part of the dating process. Some guys
didn’t make it past the first date. But what did change were her insecurities about herself
in relationships.
Lacey received amazing compliments from many men who found her attractive, even if
they weren’t a good match. This taught her that unsuccessful dates were not about
her deepseated problems with herself. Her selfconfidence increased, and made
her even more attractive to the right guy.
When someone she liked started to turn cold, she found it much easier to move on.
If she met someone she truly liked, she obsessed less over them and was less
selfdefeating. Her hypersensitivity and defensiveness that destroyed relationships
before, vanished completely.
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After six months of her new dating strategy, she met Steve. He was caring, kind, and
adored her. She opened up and was vulnerable about her needs. She is now happily
engaged, and says she has more selfconfidence than she has ever had.
5) Give People Who Make You Feel Calm A Chance
The whole dating multiple people is worthless if you fail to notice a keeper when you
meet one. Chances are, if you are sensitive, you believe calmness in a relationship is a
signal that there is little attraction. Once you notice someone who is secure, remember
not to make impulsive judgements about whether they are right for you.
Remind yourself that you will feel bored at first. Secures cause less drama, and are
crystal clear about what they want. This takes the emotional volatility out of your heart.
That’s how love is supposed to be: calm and compassionate.
There is no one for whom these secrets has more to offer than the women who are
considered needy. You stand to gain the most from understanding why you behave in
the ways you do in relationships. You deserve to know which relationships can make you
happy and which ones will ruin your life.
Next Steps:
Want to use the science of love to find your ideal partner?
Dating is not about changing yourself, it’s about changing how you approach dating and
what you look for. One of the thing I’ve found helps most is if you can get a clear idea of
what this ideal person looks like and then think about where they spend their time, what
he/she does, etc. It’s almost like doing market research.
In fact one of my past clients, Lacey from above, was stuck in a relationship with an
emotionally unavailable man. After realizing her needs would always be neglected by
this man, she moved on and used our marketing research to find the man she just got
engaged with!
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I love receiving pictures and thanks like these! I would be willing to set aside 30
minutes to come up with a cool dream partner finding marketing plan for you. There’s
no cost or anything. The only thing I ask is that you try out a couple of the ideas we come
up with and share your results with me.
What do you think? Want to see if we can get you on one good date?
Snag a time on my calendar here and let’s make it happen!
With love,
Kyle Benson
Email: Kyle@KyleBenson.net
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