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Rebuild Your Marriage

4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex in Marriage

Monday, May 6, 2013 | Written by Sam Black

Porn makes promises it can’t keep, especially when it comes to hot sex in marriage.

Porn won’t spice up your sex life, and it won’t make you a better lover. Science and psychology show that sharing
porn with your spouse or having a secret affair with porn will mess up hot nights of passion, especially for the long
haul.

What will make sex better can be summed up in one word: intimacy. And no, sex does not equal intimacy.

So here are four (brief) ways porn kills great sex. To learn four ways to take intimacy to the next level, see next
month’s issue of Pure Minds Online.
Killer No. 1: Porn Hijacks Your Focus
The producers of porn and portions of pop culture tout that pornography leads to more fun, more pleasure, exciting
new moves, and mind-blowing orgasms. Instead, porn’s path is disappointing at best and debilitating at worst.

“Pornographers promise healthy pleasure and relief from sexual tension, but what they often deliver is an addiction,
tolerance, and an eventual decrease in pleasure. Paradoxically, the male patients I worked with often craved
pornography but didn’t like it,” writes Dr. Norman Doidge in The Brain That Changes Itself.

Great sex means a husband and wife focus on each other. The Bible describes it as “one flesh.”

But porn teaches the brain to focus on multiple images, body types, partners and scenarios. The focus on one’s
spouse is lost, and repeated use of pornography takes precedence. A habit or an addiction to porn is an obvious
killer to marital and sexual oneness, because true focus is singular not plural.

Killer No. 2: Porn Creates Neural Pathways for More Porn

Doidge explains that “human beings exhibit an extraordinary degree of sexual plasticity compared with other
creatures.” By “plasticity” he means that our brains and our sexuality are molded by our experiences, interactions,
and other means of learning, which is why people vary in what they say is attractive or what turns them on. The
brain actually creates neural pathways that label a specific type of person or activity as arousing.

Neurologists repeat a mantra: Neurons that fire together wire together. Simply put, repeating an activity makes it
easier to do. But it also means that the human brain learns to associate specific activities with neurological rewards.

Unlike many other activities, porn and masturbation release such a firestorm of neurochemical and hormonal
rewards that the brain can map out neural pathways for porn use quickly. That’s why porn use is so addictive.

Using porn to spice up marital sex is self-defeating. Instead of being more attracted to and engaged with one’s
spouse, the porn user will actually become more engrossed with porn. Your Brain on Porn reviews a study showing
that when men and women were exposed to porn, they were less likely to be pleased with their partner’s physical
appearance, affection, and sexual performance. The researchers concluded that porn consumers eventually compare
their spouse with images of porn models.

Another study appearing in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2002 found similar results. When men and
women were exposed to pictures of female centerfold models from Playboy and Penthouse, this significantly
lowered their judgments about the attractiveness of “average” people.

Killer No. 3: Porn Creates a Neurochemical Imbalance

Brain chemistry plays a major role in creating neural pathways that establish patterns of behavior and triggers that
spark a person to engage in specific behavior. Porn, sex, and masturbation release considerably more neural
chemicals than most other activities (discussed in the e-book, The Porn Circuit).

Download the entire book, The Porn Circuit, for free.

For example, here are two brain chemicals of note:

Dopamine
The brain releases dopamine in response to nearly all drugs of addiction. Dopamine is its own reward, but it also
helps focus one’s attention, and it motivates one forward for an activity.

The brain releases dopamine when sexual cues are picked up. More dopamine is released when engaging in a
sexual activity, and even more is released with orgasm (along with a cascade of other feel-good chemicals, such as
serotonin).

With the repeated use of porn, the brain recognizes that too much dopamine is being released. In response, the
production of dopamine and receptors for dopamine are reduced, but that produces a craving. To fulfill that craving
the porn user often needs to increase the amount of pornography used or the intensity or the novelty of porn.

Dopamine loves novelty. A couple has many ways to create novelty physically, mentally, and spiritually, but porn
and masturbation are genitally focused. The way to increase dopamine with porn is to up the dosage with more
porn or more intense or more shocking porn. This often leads the porn-using spouse to request or introduce sexual
activities that their partner may find degrading, uncomfortable, or inappropriate.

Testosterone
In men, testosterone dramatically increases sexual arousal and desire. It is a hormone that is released in men
throughout the day, but when sexual cues are picked up by the brain the testes increase production.

Pornography (and the mental fantasizing that it enables) crafts a brain that constantly generates testosterone and
heightens sexual desire. Because testosterone is slow to dissipate, men who habitually view pornography cause
their own chemical imbalance. This high testosterone level increases their sexual awareness far above normal.
Sexual fantasies are sparked by everyday objects, and even modestly dressed women are seen as provocative.

These and other chemical imbalances created by porn use fail to bring greater intimacy between a husband and
wife. Instead, it encourages personal sexual gratification, whether in the marriage bed or elsewhere.

Killer No. 4: Porn Gets People Stuck in a Rut

Because porn provides a state of arousal, the brain also creates pathways that make initial arousal easier. Suddenly,
porn and sex with a partner aren’t the only experiences that are arousing. As the porn pathways deepen, people in
everyday life become objects of sexualized fantasy, and inanimate objects, clothing, and situations not designed for
sex become sexually charged.

To better understand the porn rut, it’s important to explore scenarios common to porn use and even addiction.

Sentization

A person who uses a pornographic image or story and masturbates for the first time begins a learning process of
how to respond to porn in the future. With repetition the brain responds not only to the initial stimulus, but also to
related stimuli. After a person becomes sensitized, very little is needed to trigger a response; a superhighway is
connected to the rewards circuitry. This superhighway has many entrance ramps; sexual cues are seen everywhere
and sexual fantasizing comes easy.

Triggers

Triggers are sensitization cues can vary greatly from person to person depending on their gender, marital status,
environment, and the types of porn and activities they use. Simply being home alone is enough to prompt many
people to rush to their computer in search of porn. Some people lie awake at night, taunted with thoughts of getting
up to view porn online and masturbate while the family sleeps. Why? Because they hold not only memories of
using the computer for porn, but also of opportunities for secrecy, and even of getting up or staying up for a late
night fix.

These compulsive feelings are engrained from repetitive and powerful experiences. Dopamine flows easily in
response to the learned pornographic trigger driving a person to act out, and the sensitized neural pathway leads
easily to the rewards circuitry where opiates fire.

Densensitization
Though not true for everyone, many porn users find they need a greater amount or more intense porn to activate a
state of arousal. The brain has decided after multiple porn excursions that this amount of dopamine is excessive. So
it has reduced the amount of dopamine in response to porn, and it has reduced the number of dopamine receptors
for the neural circuits associated with porn use.

To escape this desensitization, people, and men especially, expand their pornographic tastes to more novel stimuli.
What was once considered hardcore—a heterosexual couple engaged in intercourse—is now considered mundane,
Dr. Doidge says. Varied forms of sex mixed with force, violence, and humiliation are now fused into today’s
pornographic scripts.

Hypofrontality
Compulsiveness is a good descriptor of hypofrontality. Many porn users feel focused on getting to porn and
masturbating even when a big part of them is saying, “Don’t do this.” Even when negative consequences seem
imminent, impulse control is too weak to battle the cravings.

Porn Hurts a Good Love Life

Porn offers the promise of a quick fix. But really great sex requires an intimate investment, and the rewards of
intimacy have built-in multipliers. That’s right, real intimacy has a plural impact on a marital relationship.
Unfortunately, our instant gratification society encourages people to invest less and get it now, even if a little time
and work would yield much greater rewards.

Most guys (and some gals) misspell intimacy as S-E-X, said Dr. Dan Erickson, an author, counselor, and speaker.
Instead, intimacy should be seen as in-to-me-see.

The word intimacy is born out of the Latin word intima, which means “innermost, most secret.” Each person
carries within them an intima, and when that deep and vulnerable core is shared with another, a profound
connection can be built.

A couple can have sex without intimacy, and it often leads to dissatisfaction and less sex within a relationship,
Erickson said. But when sex becomes a part of overall expressions of intimacy, then magic happens.

See next month’s edition of Pure Minds Online, to learn more about how true intimacy builds satisfying marital
relationships. If you can’t wait, get a preview and listen to Erickson teach about paths to intimacy.

Pure Minds Online | Issue 32 | More in this issue: When Porn is on the Report | 10 Monsters in our House | A
Clear Life

About the author, Sam Black

Sam Black is an Internet Safety Consultant and a manager at Covenant Eyes. He joined the Covenant Eyes team in
2007 after 18 years as a journalist, serving as a reporter and editor for newspapers and magazines in six states. He
has been married for 17 years and is a father of two.

View all posts by Sam Black →

The Porn Circuit

Science shows us why porn is highly addictive. Learn how our neurochemistry is easily hijacked by porn to create
compulsive behaviors, and discover how the brain can be rewired to escape porn's allure.

Download this free guide

19 thoughts on “4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex in Marriage”

1. Pingback: Great Sex? Not With Porn | Intentional Warriors
2. Scott St. Onge May 21, 2013 at 12:48 pm

Terrific article, Sam. This hits it on all cylinders.

Reply
Manny March 25, 2014 at 11:05 am

Your blessed with god

3. Rocky June 27, 2013 at 8:04 pm

Just kind of a weird article. Why would a person think that porn would help their sex life other than give
them a few new ideas on sexual technique or to stimulate desire in those with low libido? I don’t think porn
“promises” anything stated here, other than to attempt to arouse sexual desire in some written or
photographed portrayal.

RE: Point 1, I suppose some people watch porn while they have sex, but I suspect it’s just background noise.
The sounds might excite them, or they might use it to help overcome the man’s recovery period faster. It’s
probably better as article says to focus on each other. I’ve read of one man who let’s his wife use it to get her
in the mood.

RE: Point 2: Lots of truth here, so it’s important to realize the potential addictive power of pornography and
not over do it or be dependent upon it. It’s silly to suggest that people who look at porn reject their mates as a
result… there is just too much variety to make such a claim.

RE: Point 3: Agreed to an extent. I’m certain that porn stimulates these chemicals, over-stimulates them ( a
type of surfeiting perhaps) so, it sets up the user for a “high” and desire to continue experiencing that high,
esp. if they misuse a sexual high to medicate negatives in their own life. The same brain chemicals that are
intended to bond us to our spouses end up bonding us to porn if we’re not careful. The keys to the addiction
though, I think are twofold: 1) Endless “shots” of dopamine from porn due to the variety and novelty 2) If
masturbation is the result, endless dissatisfaction with one’s experience and oneself, due to the lack of
prolactin released by masturbation versus by vaginal sex. (25% as much) This hormone is said to balance out
the dopamine and provide a sense of contentment or satisfaction. Porn and masturbation is an endless round
of arousal and dissatisfaction, cemented by oxytocin (bonding hormone) and cultivated in absolute secrecy
(usually) which creates a secondary addiction to the adrenaline rush that encompasses a lot of these rituals.
 RE: Point 4 The first portion seemed to discuss more the negative effects of porn addiction rather than it’s
harm to sex in marriage. The second half proposed that porn being a “quick fix” whereas intimacy takes time
and gives reward to marital sex. Intimacy is rather subjective and different couples are going to vary as to
their degree of ability to be intimate. Many, many wives for years, centuries simply let their husbands “do his
business” and weren’t expecting much more than a kiss now and then and getting pregnant. Of course, some
fared far worse than them. I don’t think we can deny such women the pleasure of their own imaginations or
erotic writings that give them outlet for things that they may never be able to obtain personally. I also believe
that porn isn’t always a quick fix, but that men train themselves not to get prematurely exciting by sexual
stimuli, learning to control their urge to climax, which is an aid to better sex. So, I’d just say the jury is out
cause a lot of couples still look at porn and like it.

Reply
JeremiahP October 7, 2015 at 9:24 pm

If you don’t believe in sin, Rocky, you’ll never get it. Sin is missing the mark of doing things God’s
way, which is sacrifice through love. If a relationship is not sacrificial, it is missing the mark. But that
doesn’t justify continuing to miss the mark by filling your fantasy life with a diet of twinkies and ho-
hos. It will gradually wear away at your manhood and erode at your soul. Porn and other fantasies
wear away at your ability to seek normal relationships, and they objectify people’s bodies to the point
of losing respect for the opposite sex, certain toward your spouse that you are around all the time. It is
only in loving people at their core that you can find true intimacy, and anything else is just going to
miss the mark, and it’s wrong in God’s eyes. It certainly doesn’t justify a second wrong of filling the
void with meaningless entertainment and stimulation that in the end will just wear you out. Certainly
two wrongs will never make a right, nor will the void in your life be filled by more emptiness.

4. Elizabeth July 1, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Another thing about porn is that it normalizes the abnormal, and sets the stage for completely unrealistic
expectations. In addition, it paints a very false picture of human beings always clean, shaved, and ready for
sex without any pretense of relationship or communication.

Thank you for this article – very, very insightful.

Reply
5. Kare August 2, 2013 at 1:04 am

Great article on how Porn kills sex for the husband or wife with the porn addiction, but not for the one who
was betrayed.

Killer #5 – Porn breaks trust in the marriage relationship. When a woman cannot trust her husband, she will
go through, and may even enjoy. the physical act of sex, but the broken trust and heartache of her husband’s
addiction will steal her joy and intimacy and the emotional closeness of sexual intercourse. Sex will become
unsatisfying to her, as well.

Being that I am a woman, this is the perspective that I have. I would assume it is similar for a husband who
was/is betrayed by a wife with a porn addiction.

Reply
Luke Gilkerson August 2, 2013 at 9:38 am

Absolutely. The article was written primarily to the struggler, not the spouse. If you want to read some
of our most read articles for spouses, you can click here.

Betrayed female January 6, 2014 at 10:29 pm

I agree. I know that he wouldn’t like it if she were masterbating to every and all types of men on the
web, including under age. This has been awful and he continuously assumes that his bad deeds weren’t
that bad…
I on the other hand feel betrayed and super insecure all the time when were out, even when I am not
with I’m I fear other women he might be seeing or interacting with and that they may be turning him
 on or he will fantasize about them later :(
please help!

Ingrid Bryant June 15, 2014 at 11:25 pm

You obviously haven’t been a porn addict or married one. All the points they stated are scientifically
proven.

Ingrid Bryant June 15, 2014 at 11:31 pm

Sorry, I was trying to reply to another comment. I am also married to an addict for 17 years. Ladies,
have your husband check out Mark and Debbie Laaser from Faithful and True. They are the leading
porn addict therapists in the world and have written many great books on the subject. I am currently
separated from my husband for the third time and last time. If he doesn’t stop the addiction and remain
in therapy the marriage will have to be over. My 12 year old son is now into porn as well, just like his
dad. We are all Christians and it is devastating, so I know how you ladies feel. I encourage you women
to get help for yourselves. Go read Debbie Laasers books and get therapy as well. The best thing I have
learned through this process is that he is not the only one with sin and child hood trauma that has led to
his addiction. There is a reason I picked an addict to marry. I have been working through my issues too
and it is so eye opening. Tough Love is also another excellent book by Dr. Dobson. Don’t give up
ladies. Get help and perhaps your husband will follow your lead.

6. Jane November 26, 2013 at 3:54 am

I as a woman used to watch pornography up until my first encounter with intercourse. I had fought with lust
most of my teens-20s all because of our faith and partly due to the frightening warnings given by my mother
about sex. (I don’t think this was necessary) I reached a late age in my 20s, was not married yet, slept with a
guy who had other addictions (alcoholism and previous drug user) and that was the moment my flirtation
with lust came to the light.

This was the first time I got on my knees and properly reached out to God with my problem. I had confessed
to several people all the way but I still fell back to old ways. At this point, I never looked back at porn.
Something about this sexual encounter dispelled my expectations about sex.

Less than a year later, I met my husband who also had played with sex, prostitution,pornography, alcohol. He
had come to his own point of confession within the same time frame as I did. The past is truly the past. We
praise Jesus.

We love Christ however we are still learning how to be upright walkers in our faith and avoiding doorways to
the enemy esp. in relation to sex and other demonic doorways.

It has occurred to me that not only are our characters right for each other, but having shared a similar battle,
we can support each other if the other falls short or is finding a particular situation hard.

Reply
7. Timothy March 24, 2014 at 1:49 pm

One of the best articles I have ever read on the subject. As someone who overcame 12 years ago and has
happily been married ever since without going back, I can testify that the lure still lingers in the mind and can
create a horrible trap. The biggest one I think is that you come to believe that there are women out there who
are just that sexualized, and that even faithful monogamous women can be like that with their husbands, and
that is so far from the norm and the truth. You have to let the love of Christ reign in your heart for your wife,
because even the subject of “lusting after your spouse” is perverted in many Christian settings these days,
where porn is “welcome” in a monogamous relationship to spice it up. There are many dangers there,
beware.

Reply
8. DonnyO October 31, 2014 at 5:26 am

I actually credit porn for keeping me in my marriage and under the same roof as my kids. My married sex life
 died 15 years ago and despite visits to a number of therapists the problem couldn’t be fixed. Rather than
getting a divorce or cheating on my wife by having an affair or paying for sex I masturbate while looking at
porn. It isn’t perfect but it is worth being able to live with my kids and be part of a family. Other than the sex
my wife and I get along just fine so porn has been an effective and simple solution.

I have come across many stories like mine online over the years. Men in sexless marriages who use porn as
their only sexual outlet rather than seeking sex outside the home. I think porn has perhaps kept as many
marriages together, if not more, than it has split them apart.

Reply
Luke Gilkerson October 31, 2014 at 9:44 am

Hey DonnyO,

What do you see as the major contributors to your sexless marriage? Why do you think things have
deteriorated?

jessica April 10, 2015 at 1:31 am

Good gosh. You are sick. You are sick. Obviously you have manipulated yourself to agree with this
discusting and twisted point of view. You need help you selfish pig. You can’t give up your stupid
selfish desire to quickly jack off. Your wife deserves a real man that can see her for the beauty she is
inside and out. She needs to know her worth and get put of a marriage that is a lie. Life is not all about
you and your “quick fix” what a loser. Get a life and let your wife find real love. What a great roll
model you are for your kids!? Do you not get that they will follow in your footsteps and they look up
to you as a “roll model” …..what’s even more discussing pigs like you look at girls their daughters age.
Making you a pedophile. Some of those girls were raped and forced into that. My husbands sister was
raped by her older brother and is so screwed up prostituting herself and trying to find love. She thinks
being a stripper is a professional job and if she runs her mouth she deserves to get the crap beat out of
her. She also is a swinger and she does this so she doesn’t lose her pimp/bf. Wake up dude! You have
no idea how porn affects a woman. It is degrading and makes you fill worthless like your not good
enough. You always feel like you have to look a certain way but you know you’ll never measure up.
You cringe at the grocery store when your inline with your husband and there are magazines plastered
with girls. Of course…you don’t want to react because you know your husband will only find you less
desirable and look more….cause of course…..his life has become all about him and your just the
b$%&# he comes home to so you can please him….you know in your heart he is probably fantasizing
while your just wishing he would make love to you. You men don’t even realize when your wife is
crying as you have sex in the dark wishing we were beautiful and sexy to our husbands. We try to hide
our emotions but we are breaking on the inside. Man, I would love if my husband would learn to love
God so he could learn to love me. I wish when he said I was his everything and he loves me for me
that I could get those pictures out of my head that I found on his phone. Somedays I just want to die. I
gave my husband a beautiful little girl but he looks at girls with no stretch marks and perfect bodies. I
am pregnant with our second little girl and I’m so happy because we lost 4 babies and I thought id
never be able to conceive again. The horrible thing is that I wonder if when we created her if he was
fantasizing about someone else. I would give anything to know that we were making love. He has been
doing this in secret for 3 1/2 years that we’ve been married. I always wondered why I always felt like I
was never enough. I thought I was crazy and he would tell me I was a phsyco for thinking there was
something going on. Porn is cheating. The sad thing is that I have been more than available to have sex
with him and please him orally. Whenever he wants wherever. I have always kept it exciting. His
girlfriends were all very unatractive and his family told me he has never had better… I know I’m not
hideous …but I also know that I am real and don’t have plastic surgery. All I can think about is “if only
I had money to get this and this done” he would only look at me…or maybe if I acted like them but
then I realize how much I just want to be me but be excepted with all my flaws like I except him and
love him. I am so faithful and I make a point of ignoring guys and not looking at them. I just want the
same love and respect.

9. Terri Simmons April 12, 2015 at 8:06 pm

Amen, Thank you

 Reply
Michael Z July 26, 2015 at 12:00 am

DonnyO I can completely relate to your situation. My wife of 22 years has always had low libido, and
about eight years ago low libido went to no libido. I turned to porn for “help” just like you. I justified
porn use for 15 years for the same reasons you are giving.

But I finally came to realize that God calls all men to holiness and purity, not just married men with
gorgeous wives and a hot sex life. I realized that porn commits the sins of lust, adultery (see what
Christ says of lust in Matthew) and idolatry (sex was my god). I confessed my sins to God and to my
wife. I asked her forgiveness. Then I started the Covenant Eyes 40-day Porn Free Challenge. I
committed to a life without porn and masturbation.

I’m on day 23 of the challenge. It has been such a blessing seeking freedom from Satan’s grip. Sure
there have been hard days of temptation, but each victorious day strengthens me for the next. I also
committed to seeking genuine intimacy with my wife. We snuggle, walk, hold hands, pray together
before bed, have kid-free talks, share our deepest struggles, hug and kiss. My wife said just a week
ago, “I feel like I have a new husband.” I had no idea how many other areas of my life porn was
affecting.

Twelve days into the challenge, my wife wanted sex. I cannot tell you the last time she wanted sex.
Two days later she wanted sex again! I certainly cannot tell you the last time she wanted sex 48 hours
after the previous time. We just finished her cycle, and she wanted sex again. Amazing!

While I cannot guarantee the same results, I would urge you to fall on your face before God and
confess your sins to him. Ask him to deliver you from porn and sin and take the 40-day Porn Free
Challenge. Ask your wife to forgive you for adultery and lust. Take the time you would use for porn to
seek genuine unconditional intimacy with your wife. Love her like you have never loved her before,
not to get sex, but to enjoy true intimacy with your wife (no porn star can give you that). Show your
precious children what genuine unconditional love is instead of a mediocre just-to-stay-home “love.”

My children, though they do not know what I was doing or that I have committed to change, have
responded remarkably to the “new me” as my wife calls it. My 14 year old daughter had stopped
hugging me or allowing me to kiss her. No touching was her rule, and her 10 year old sister was
following her lead. In the last 23 days since I started the challenge, both daughters let me hug them,
kiss their sweet foreheads, rub/scratch their backs, and just last Sunday at church, my 14 year old
daughter scooted over next to me placing her head on my shoulder. I was stunned.

Honoring God has brought so much joy, healing and closeness to our whole family. It seems that there
wasn’t really anything wrong with my daughters or my wife, the problem was me. Maybe what your
wife needs, like mine, is a new husband. No, not the postman, I’m talking about you!

Pray you will seek Him and find as much fulfillment as I have in pursuing purity.

Luke Gilkerson July 27, 2015 at 11:26 am

Thanks for the comment, Michael!

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