Chapter 7: Emotional messages

• Dyssemia:
o Condition where individuals unable to appropriately read the
nonverbal messages of others or to communicate their own
meanings nonverbally (an inability to interpret and use non-
verbal skills)

Look
uninterested

People
suffering
from
Use facial dyssemia
expressions that Fail to return
are inappropriate
to the situation & smiles
the interaction

• Theories of emotions:
o Universal emotional arousal theory:

An event You experience You respond

occurs an emotion physiologically

Your crush You Your heart

smiles at you experience joy beats faster
 o James-Lange theory:

An event You experience You respond

occurs an emotion physiologically

Your crush Your heart You

smiles at you beats faster experience joy

o Cognitive Labelling theory:

You interpret
the arousal - You identify
An event You respond you decide the emotion
occurs physiologically what emotion you are
you are feeling
experiencing

Your crush Your heart You interpret You confirm

smiles at you beats faster it as joy that you are
feeling joyful

• Principles of emotions and emotional messages:

1. Emotions may be primary or blended:

Blended emotions

Primary emotions
 2. Emotions are influenced by body, mind & culture:

3 factors

Body Mind Culture

- Embarrass: blushing Evaluating & interpreting The culture you were
- Nervous: palms are what you are raised in & the culture
sweating experiencing. you live in gives you a
framework for
- Happy: smiling expressing feelings &
interpreting the
Example: emotions of others
Your bestfriend
ignores you in class
You feel:- Matsumoto, 1990:
People at US:
more likely to
Sad: express negative
Angry: Because your emotions such as
Because your evaluation & fear, anger and
evaluation & interpretation of disgust both alone
interpretation of his/her behaviour and presence of
his/her behaviour toward you is: others
toward you is: She is no longer People at Japan:
He /She is being rude. interested in being
friends with you. More likely to do so
only while alone
 3. Emotions may be adaptive and maladaptive:
o Adaptive:
▪ Emotions that help you adjust appropriately to
situations
▪ Example: You fear of losing your partner so you behave
more lovingly
o Maladaptive:
▪ Emotions that prevent you from accomplishing your
goals
▪ Example: You fear of losing your partner so you become
suspicious & accusatory
4. Emotions can be used strategically:
o Strategic emotionality:
▪ Emotions that are used for our personal benefit

John and
Anna start
Anna are John gives in
crying
having fight

(Crying is Anna’s strategy to “win” the fight)

5. Emotions are communicated verbally and nonverbally:

“I'm angry that you

didn't call me!”
Nonverbally
Verbally
6. Emotional expression is governed by display rules:
o Culture display rules:
▪ Matsumoto, 1990:
▪ People at US:
• more likely to express negative emotions such
as fear, anger and disgust both alone and
presence of others
▪ People at Japan:
• More likely to do so only while alone
o Gender display rules:
▪ Men & woman express emotions differently
• Women express themselves facially more than
men
• Women express socially acceptable emotions
more than men (e.g.: smile more than men)
• Woman express emotion even when it is
inappropriate
• Women cry more than men
• Men are more likely than women to express
anger & aggression

7. Emotions have consequences:

o Consequences of revealing your emotions:
• You create close bonds with people
• You scare people
 8. Emotions are contagious:
o Emotional contagion: emotions that are passed from one
person to another
o Women especially prone to this:
Your mimicking leads
You see the emotion You mimic the
you to feel the
of others. emotions you see.
emotions.

o Emotional appeal: an intentional contagion in attempts at

persuasion
o Example:
• An organization that is raising funds for needy
children will show you images of hungry children to
make you feel pity for the children so you will
contribute financially
Obstacles in communicating emotions:
1. Society’s rules & customs:
o Social norms:
• In United States men frown on emotional expression
due to the “cowboy syndrome”.
o Men should be strong and silent.
o Men should never feel any of the softer
emotions (compassion, love, contentment).
o Men should never cry, experience fear, or feel
sorry for themselves.
• If men express emotions openly, society will judge
them as being unmanly.
o Cultural norms in organizations:
• Women in executive and managerial positions are
forced into the cowboy syndrome.
• Employees are expected to be cheerful even when
they are not.
2. Fear:
o A variety of types of fear stand in the way of emotional
expression

Expressing your love for You fear that you may

another person. be rejected.

Voicing your feelings You fear that you may

about past loves. hurt someone else.

You are angry and want You fear that you may
to say something. hurt the person.

3. Inadequate interpersonal skills:

o Many people don’t know how to express their feelings,
negative feelings especially.
o For example: Some people can express anger only through
violence.

• Emotional competence:
o The skills for expressing and responding to the emotions of
others.

Emotional
Competence

Emotional Emotional Emotional

Understanding Expression Responding
• Emotional understanding:
o Recognize what your feelings are
o Understand why you feel as you do
o Understand the potential effects of your feelings
• To understand your emotions ask yourself these questions:
o “What am I feeling and what made me feel this way?”
o “What exactly do I want to communicate?”
o “What are my communication choices?”
• Emotional expression:
1. Be spesific
▪ I feel bad because I failed the last exam
2. Describe why you are feeling like that
▪ I’m really depressed(emotion) from failing that last
exam(reason)
3. Address mixed feelings
▪ I feel anger(emotion 1) and hatred(emotion 2) but at the same
time I feel guilty(emotion 3) for what I did.
4. Anchor your emotions in the present
▪ I feel like a failure right now; I’ve erased this computer
file three times today The present
5. Own your feelings
▪ That is taking personal responsibility for your feelings
▪ The best way to own your feelings is by using I-messages
▪ Example: I am angry because you came home late without
calling
6. Ask for what you want
▪ “I need your advice”
▪ “I just need someone to listen to me”
▪ “I’m feeling really angry right now; just give me space”
7. Respect emotional boundaries
▪ Each person has a different level of tolerence for
communication that is emotional
▪ Be alert to nonverbal cues: eye contact avoidance
▪ Ask “Would you rather change the subject”
• Emotional responding: (how we respond to others feelings?)
o Look at the nonverbal cues to understand the individual’s
feelings
▪ Overly long pauses
▪ Frequent hesitations
▪ Eye contact avoidance
▪ Excessive fidgeting
o Look for cues as to what the person wants you to do
▪ Some people want someone to listen to their feeling
▪ Some people want someone to advise them on how to
solve their problems
o Use active listening techniques
▪ Paraprahse the speaker
▪ Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings
▪ Ask question when appropriate
o Emphatize
▪ See the situation from the POV of the speaker
▪ Never ever evaluate the other person’s feelings
o Focus on the person
▪ Don’t tell your own similar past experience with what the
person is experiencing now because you don’t want the
conversation be about you
o Remember the irreversibility of communication
▪ How you respond to others cannot be reversed so don’t
give inappropriate responding also always be careful
• Anger communication
1. Ways to communicate your anger in a non-angry way:
1. Get ready to communicate calmly & logically
➢ Relax – breathe deeply & tell yourself “take it easy” or
“think rationally”
2. Examine your communication choices
➢ Form of communication?
i. Face-to-face
ii. Email
iii. Telephone
➢ Timing?
i. Morning
ii. Afternoon
iii. Night
➢ Words?
➢ Gestures?
3. Consider the advantages of delaying the expression of
anger
➢ Example: Write an email & send it to urself. The next
day if you are still feeling angry towards the person,
you can send it to him/her or if you are no longer
feeling angry towards him/her you don’t have to send
the email
4. Remember that different cultures have different display
rules
➢ Asian cultures prioritize social harmony more than the
western cultures
5. Apply relevant skills for interpersonal communication
➢ Use I-messsages
6. Recall the irreversibility of communication
➢ Once you say something, you cant erase it from the
mind of the other person
• Grief-stricken Communication
1. Confirm the other person & the persons feelings
▪ “You must be feeling very alone right now”
2. Give the person permission to grieve
▪ Let the person know that it’s acceptable & okay with
you if he/she grieves in the way that he/she feels most
comfortable (crying or talking about old times)
3. Avoid trying to focus on the bright side
▪ “It’s better this way; Pat was suffering so much more”
4. Encourage the person to express feelings & talk about the
loss
▪ But, don’t force people to talk about feelings or
experience they may not be willing you share
5. Be spesifically sensitive to leave-taking cues
▪ Example:
• Fidgeting
• Looking at the clock/watch
• Making the statements such as “It’s getting late”
or “ We can discuss this later”
6. Let the person know you care & are available
▪ Saying you’re sorry – “I’m sorry for your loss”
▪ Expressing your empathy
▪ Telling the person – “If you ever want to talk, I’m here”
or “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know”