Documente Academic
Documente Profesional
Documente Cultură
July 1989
A Model for How to Confront
Effectively
If there is an art to larn, it is the art of how to effectively confront someone. It is not an easy art;
nor is it one quickly learned. Yet there is an art to this inter-personal interaction and it is one that
is required for effective leadership, management, coaching, parenting, partnering, and friendship.
If you are interested in this, then what follows provides a map for this. Yet I warn you, it is only
a map. Here you can learn the key principles in confronting, you can come to understand the
process and the value of effective confronting, yet to actually learn it so that it is in your state,
speech, and way of operating, you’ll have to practice and that will mean making mistakes, and
learning from them, and doing so until you find your way of incorporating this profound skill.
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leaders, managers, coaches, etc. have simply not been trained in this delicate art— the art of how
to bring up unpleasant subjects in as pleasant as possible way.
Positive confrontation refers to the process whereby we can bring something up that has the
potential of being negative, hurtful, and/or sensitive, but do so in such a way that it comes across
in a constructive and respectful way. It is not only bringing up the subject, but doing so in such a
way that it brings the person face-to-face with the subject. It confronts or engages the person.
Typically this has the effect of being shocking, surprising, and unexpected. And because of this
people often experience confrontation as threatening, criticizing, and even as an attack.
Obviously to do this in an effective way requires special skills.
When we confront, we are trying to bring up something that needs to be brought up (or at least
that is our perspective) because we’re aware of some possible danger, problem (or potential
problem), unacceptable behavior, etc. Something seems “wrong” to us and we want to air it so
as to bring it to some kind of satisfactory resolution.
Obviously, the danger in confronting is that because the topic involves things that are unpleasant,
bad, or in some other way not-okay, the very mentioning of the subject sometimes function like a
“button” setting the other person off. No wonder the word “conflict,” by definition, refers to
friction. And in interpersonal conflict it shows up most frequently in terms of the push-shove
dynamic—we push to get someone to face something or do something, and they push back, so
we shove hard at them and so it goes.
Therapeutic Confrontation
In therapy and counseling, psychotherapists speak of confrontation to mean “accurately pointing
out observable inconsistencies” in a client. Therapists do this to give the client a reflection of
himself and his behaviors of how others experience him. In that context, confrontation functions
as feedback which, for whatever reason, the person has not received or has not heard from others
in his or her life. The purpose of this in therapy is to enable a person to come to a truthful and
honest appraisal of him or herself. Therapists who don’t use confrontation or who avoid it out of
fear, find that their psychotherapy takes much longer and is often ineffective because they do not
confront.
Therapeutic confrontation provides a person a touch of reality. Often, it is the first experience of
authenticity that the client has ever received. People from highly dysfunctional homes often have
never been confronted in caring, gentle, and calm ways. The only “confrontation” they have ever
experienced (or more accurately, suffered from) was disrespectful, loud, abrasive, hostile, etc.
No wonder they fear “confrontation” and work hard to avoid such!
Everyday Confrontations
Apart from therapeutic confrontation are the everyday confrontations that we all experience.
These are typically less intense, intentional, profound, and effective. These mostly entail blurting
out something and laying all of one’s cards on the table. Or it could entail being open and
honest, being up-front and explicit about what you are thinking and feeling about a given subject.
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In this way, confrontation is a gift of relationship. It is an expression of true intimacy and an
expression of being real. In everyday life it can be abrasive or non-abrasive depending on the
person’s skills or states. It can be assertive— just speaking your mind, emotions, values, and
wants, or it can be forceful and demanding.
Even everyday confrontation can be positively respectful and an act of love and concern that lets
someone know how we experience them. Or, it can be disrespectful and punishing as a way to
get back at someone. It can be given in a spirit of revenge and pay-back. Such is not a healthy
confrontation. In healthy confrontation we affirm and validate the person we confront while
openly and honestly communicating our concerns, interests, and perspectives about some issue or
behavior. In healthy confrontation, you can bring up negative concerns that bother you. You
then talk about those concerns with the person or persons in the hope of resolving the conflict.
Confrontation does not mean shouting at someone, being mean, rough, gruff, or hurtful. It means
being authentic while preserving the relationship. It usually requires a strong combination of
firmness and care — firm compassion.
These stages are not worked through once and for all, but constantly revisited as needed. You
reiterate the stages again and again until you get through the stage. This is especially true of the
Encounter and Back-Tracking stages. You may go round and round these stages, and even back
to preparation and approach several times before you are ready to step into the Resolution stage.
This overview of the confrontational process identifies how confrontation naturally occurs. You
prepare, you approach, you make your encounter, you back track when problems arise and the
encounter doesn’t work, then you encounter again, you resolve the matter. By distinguishing
these stages in your thinking about confrontation, you will be able to know where you at any
specific moment and what to do next.
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Confrontation Model described here provides a step-by-step for confronting a loved one or a
colleague at work. And if you use it systematically, and with elegance, you can confront them in
such a way that they will hardly know that they are being confronted. That is the ultimate and
ideal outcome in the art of confrontation.
Stage I: Preparation
How to get Ready for the Encounter
First, Frame Confrontation in a positive way
The first task is to deal with yourself and your thinking. Begin by framing confrontation as a
caring process that is inevitable, critical, and healthy for relationships. Confrontation isn’t a case
of “lowering the boom” on someone in one fell swoop. It is rather an ongoing interchange of
communication wherein you commune with another person about what you think, feel, want, etc.
because you want to create clarity and understanding.
Actually, think of confrontation as a series of communications for clarity. Doing this then
allows you to break your message down into smaller units that you can deliver in stages if need
be. This also enables you to not feel so strong or overwhelmed about straightening
misunderstandings and/or conflicts all at once. It gives both you and the other person some
room, some space, and some grace within which to work. Also by braking down your message
not smaller units, you will find it easier to transmit.
Because how you mentally frame your understanding of what you are attempting to do
dramatically effects what you do, how you do it, and the success with which you pull it off,
framing confrontation as a series of communications will help to de-stress you. It will take a lot
of pressure off of having to do the whole thing in one shot. Why do it? What is your highest and
best intention. What are you trying to accomplish?
Next, set your intentiona bout confrontation. Frame the value of confronting is important
because of the bad press that confrontation has received and what it has meant to you. Until you
frame this process in a way that allows you to appreciate its values and find it as an attractive
alternative to letting things go, you won’t learn these high level skills.
In confronting you deliver a “negative” message that seeks to make things better. You evaluate,
give advice, rebuke, warn, etc. with the aim of communicating something important with care
and respect. This is the art of being kindly tough rather than a pushover or tyrant. So what are
the positive values that positive confrontation offers?
1) Confrontation enables you to troubleshoot relational problems. With this process you
can point out incongruities, identify things that seriously hurt or bother you, smoke out
potentially dangerous issues, and be straight with one another. Where there is no conflict,
there is no relationship.
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old Proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs
27:17). If you take confrontation well, it can help you to knock off your rough edges and
give you a polish and edge that makes you more effective. As such confrontation
prevents stagnation, stimulates curiosity learning, and growth. Confrontation can even
revitalizes your life passion.
6) Confrontation gives us the chance to learn to conflict positively. The way people
conflict can be positive or negative. When it is negative, the conflict becomes hostile,
people begin to fight dirty. They “throw below the belt pushes.” Push–shove dynamics
then escalate until the battle becomes an all out war where people engage in a knock-
down and drag-out discord.
Positive conflict, on the other hand, clarifies issues, wrestles with differing viewpoints,
explores differing needs and wants, and comes to a resolution that allows everybody to
win. When we conflict positively, people learn, grow, make healthy adjustments, deepen
their understandings, and work from a win/win perspective that maintains the dignity of
all persons.
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7) Confrontation can strengthen relationships. Healthy conflicts strengthen our
relationship and make them more stable since we then experience being authentic with
each other. Each person knows that merely having a disagreement or a conflict will not
end things. This reduces the need for hiding, opens up more channels for
communication, and provides graceful ways for saving face while resolving problems. It
fosters an internal cohesion of the relationship.
And if you’re not ready, then don’t do it. If you are confronting out of stress, fear, anger, shame
or any other strong negative emotion—you are merely reacting and not responding with your full
resources. If you attempt something as complex as confrontation “from the seat of your pants” it
will almost never be effective. You will be confronting from a defensiveness that will provoke
defensiveness and get nowhere.
Effective confrontation requires that instead of reprimanding, scolding, or correcting, you simply
identify the behavior that you do or don’t want and why, for you, it is unacceptable. Offer the
alternatives that you know. Then invite the other person to offer his or her alternatives. Assert
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the person’s dignity and curiously explore what the person says. Make it your objective to let the
other person save face. Don’t make the dignity of person the issue.
This provides another powerful preparation mind-set for confronting. Go search for the positive
intention behind the behaviors of the other person. Even the most destructive of behaviors have
positive intentions behind them. As you solicit them, find out what the other person is trying to
do or achieve by what he or she is doing:
• What do you want from this relationship?
• What do you want from him?
• What was your intention in doing X?
• What do you hope to accomplish or get from Y?
This frame will give you a de-stressing point of view and enable you to explore with a positive
framework as you seek first to understand the other’s negative behaviors. This also takes the
pressure off the person so that he doesn’t have to be defensive. You have not made him (as a
person) or his intentions the problem. Only the behavior is the problem —to you.
If you operate from the belief that another person is perverse, hateful, worthless, etc., you corrode
your ability to trust that person and this then will create all kinds of crooked communication and
relational patterns. Once you discover the meta-wants behind the other person’s behaviors,
affirm the person’s positive intentions.
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• What is the specific frame of belief and/or understanding that needs to be changed?
• What is required to alter that frame?
• Who else is involved in resolving this?
• What are all of the methods available for resolving this conflict?
It is important to not focus on solutions too quickly. The reason is simple: you might be solving
the wrong problem. First thoroughly understand, evaluate, define, and brainstorm the problem
and reality-test your findings.
What kind of environment makes for successful confrontation? It will be one characterized by
good will, a collaborative spirit, respect, a state where stress can be managed, a sense of being in
control of yourself, presence of mind, privacy, lack of disruptions. Share your intentions of good
will. “I want to make things better for both of us.” Express yourself respectfully. Invite the
other person to help solve the problem.
Use the power of rapport in your approach. Do that by pacing or matching the person’s verbal
and non-verbal responses. This will enable you to enter into his or her world model (perceptual
understanding of the situation) and see things from that perspective. Use his or her processing
style and language (predicates, value words, representation system). Use pacing statements
throughout the conversation just to make sure that the other person is still with you. You know
you have paced the other person if you can state his or her view to that person’s satisfaction.
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Positive confrontation occurs best in an atmosphere conducive for resolving things. This means
approaching the other respectfully with good will, trust, in a relaxed way, and an openness to
listen. To express your good will, begin with attentive listening. This will also enable you to
adopt a non-defensive stance. When people become defensive, no one is really listening to the
other, negotiation can’t take place. Here you can use humor and some playfulness, but it should
be at yourself, not at the other person. De-escalate on small tissues first to build trust and for the
basis for handling the more risky issues.
As you invite engagement on some hot subject, put the focus on behavior or issue, not the
person. The person is not the problem; the frame is always the problem. Inviting an engagement
encourages a collaborative spirit wherein both are searching for ways for everyone to win.
Collaborative means working together to find a common solution and not competing about who
is winning. Downplay competition in every way possible. Focus on building a sense of morale
in working together, belonging , caring being fair, and laughing together. The collaborative spirit
corresponds to a win/ win orientation.
Getting this kind of win/win collaboration from the other person helps to create an agreement
frame and this will give you the power to negotiate. An agreement frame gives you a common
ground for agreeing. To discover and articulate this you may have to keep going to meta-levels
of values and meanings until you discover some common value that you both want and can use to
bind yourselves together.
Given that confrontation itself is a hot behavior that seeks to deal with a hot topic, this is crucial.
So set it in your mind to make it as safe as possible for the other to receive it. You would want
the same if the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn’t you? By inviting engagement you allow the
other person some choice and the ability to prepare for the encounter. By setting out your agenda
you get things on the table beforehand so there won’t be any surprises later on. And by
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packaging everything in gentleness you send the message that you care about the other person
and are trying to help, not hurt. It is this agreement frame that helps to create the best
atmosphere.
Since people can get their buttons pushed so easily by being confronted in public, in front of
others, be gentle enough to consider this and confront privately. A bible verse presents a
confrontation model that includes this component. It presents a private confrontation. “Go and
tell him his fault between you and him alone.” (Matthew 18;15-20). Jumping on someone in
public almost always pushes the person so he or she becomes defensive and will react out of
wounded pride. It creates a situation where the person feels that he has lost face.
To make it safe for the other person avoid all judgment statements. Evaluative statements are
immediate and automatic with most of us. We think evaluatively and so we speak in moralistic
ways— we are right; they are wrong. We quickly defend, deny, and given reasons for ourselves.
To another such statement sound defensive, pushy, accusatory rejecting and even degrading.
“You were supposed to be here half an hour ago, where have you been? Look at those spelling
errors, can’t you do better?
When we speak with judgments we often convey a better than thou” attitude that implies moral
condemnation and a put down of the other person. Put-downs as statements or questions convey
the message of insult and rejection.
“Why don’t you pay more attention to what you are doing?”
Put-down statements also convey arrogance and superiority and that is not going to help. Make
the confrontation tentative to give your encounter a touch of gracious gentle4ness.
It seems to me that this is the situation, am I right in thinking this or am I missing
something?]
Don’t communicate in a way that implies that you are omnipotent and all-knowing. Remember
that you are a fallible human being and are often wrong. You could be wrong right now. Any
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kind of superiority will come across as self-righteousness and contaminate your message.
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Stage III: The Encounter
Move in face-to-face to deal with the Complaint
If you have induced yourself into the right state, prepared yourself appropriately and have created
the right kind of state where the other is also ready, then you are now ready to engage in the
encounter itself.
Good confronting aims at getting the facts right before drawing conclusions. It is not about
conquering people. Certain language patterns help with presenting facts. As mentioned, using I”
statements and avoiding “you” statements. This also helps to eliminate mind-reading button-
pushing, and accusatory statements. If you say:
You don’t listen to what I am saying.”
You don’t care about what happens to our money.”
You only think about yourself!”
These you statements assume that you know the mind, heart, intentions, bad motives of the other
person. That’s mind-reading and is not only dangerous to your health, it one of the lowest levels
of communication. You statements, by assuming too much, violate people since they fail to
explain how you know the information.
Another language pattern to use to confront without judging is that of descriptive language. In
contrast to evaluative language, descriptive means describing things as if you are writing a
screen-play. Describe thegns in see-hear-feel terms (sensory based terms) rather than imposing
your evaluations and conclusions on the other person.
Let your encounter also be characterized by an open mind that’s ready to admit error or mistakes.
Inquire about your own facts. Are they right? Make as few assumptions as possible. Get things
out on the table. Ask the other person about his or her beliefs, motives, and intentions Don’t’
force the other into a corner. Keep your state4ments tentative while empathizing with the other.
You are encounter when you get the problem-solving stage with the person. Then you will be
asking problem-solving questions:
• What is the problem?
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• What can we do about it?
• what resources, alternatives, and skills can we bring to this?
• Is this true? In what way could it be true?
Start with the facts, hear the other person out, and then decide on the facts that you can agree
upon Problem solve by asking questions that probe for facts as you index the time, place, person,
etc. What, when , where, who, which, and how. These are extensional questions.
How will this work out in practice five years from now?
Curiously explore the person’s ides and his or her possible solutions Explore any big words that
may be vague and open to various interpretations (nominalizations). Clarify your own mind and
emotions about your complaint so that you know what you want and where you are.
• What is the problem that moves you to confront?
• Is it a discrepancy, evasion, inconsistency, a fault, a crime?
• what is the grievance? How specifically it is hurtful?
• what are your motives and what is your position?
Accurately point out observable inconsistencies. Inquire as objectively as you can and state what
you want. Above all, do not merely complain. Do not gripe, badmouth, fuss, bitch. Identify a
specific complaint that needs solving. Complaining talks about a problem but does not help with
solving the problem. Complaining wastes time accusing, assigning blame, reminiscing about the
past, and fails to get on with discovering solutions. It is past-oriented and blame-oriented. It is
more oriented toward emotions rather than behaviors.
A problem solving mindset enables you to look negative things in the face without being
overwhelmed or during to the negative side. Use this mindset to ask about each person’s
understandings and perspectives.
I take your comment as a criticism, is that what you meant?
Being able to spot identify, and understand what is going on will enable you to more effectively
cope with reality and to separate person from behavior. A problem solving mentality also gives
you psychological distance to enable you to not personalize everything said or done. This will
keep you more resourceful. You will then distinguish between emotional triggers and your
emotional responses.
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Identify the incongruous messages or responses that you want to confront in the other person.
Twelveth, Defuse
When someone gets defensive, stressed out, angry, or fearful and they react with a fight/flight
response, it is time to quit the confrontation. I recall the old proverb, “Quit the quarrel before the
strife shows its teeth.” (Proverbs 17:14)
If act, you can use the person’s high stress reactions to signal you to go into defusing. In human
relationship it is very easy for things to get hot and to blow up.. Don’t treat this as if it is un-
human or out of the ordinary. It is very ordinary, and challenging. This danger explains why we
should never try to confront until everybody is in a mood to deal wit things. What do you do
when someone gets hot, scared, angry, defensive? Defuse.
Immediately stop going after your confrontation agenda and deal with the person’s emotional
state. Use your original frame, that is, confrontation is a long-term process whereby we strive to
understand each other and work things through in a respectful way.
Ideally you should immediately help the other person to ventilate his or her feelings.
You seem pretty upset right now. What are you feeling? Would you like to take a
break?”
Set your goal to drain off the emotional overload in the other person when he or she becomes too
stressed and defensive. If the person can continue it will be the ventilating of his feelings that
enables him to do that.
What are you feeling about this? (Then validate his feelings). I can see that you would
like to run, flee or beat some sense into me. It’s okay to be angry hurt, upset, scared. I’m
sorry that you are feeling so bad about this It isn’t easy for me to bring this up.
Such statements, questions, and pacing will help to drain off the intensity of the anger. It will
protect and save the relationship since it puts people and their feelings before issues and
positions. Register your own stress level by gauging yourself from 0 to 10. 0 standing for no
stress whatever, and 10 at the blowing up state. Whenever you get to a 6 or 7 on the stress scale,
take a break.
I am at a real high stress level, a 7, and need to take a break. Could we take a 15-minute
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break (or an hour, a day) and come back in a little while? I’ll be more able to continue if
we do.
Thirteenth, Go Slow
The fastest way to get things resolves is to go slow enough to hear each person out, affirm the
thoughts and feelings driving them, and respect each person’s threshold limits. So as you learn
to slow down your own conversation, you prevent the words and ideas from going so fast that it
overloads the person. Slow down also so that you can tackle one problem at a time. This will
prevent overwhelming bad overloading yourself and the other person. If you have several
complaints, make a list, and deal with them one at a time.
Negotiation refers to finding and/or creating those arrangements between people that allow all to
get their needs met in a way that’s ecological for everyone. When relationships become
unbalanced with one person receiving more than he or she is giving the economy of that
relationship will eventually go bankrupt. It is jut a matter of time. The negotiation question
concerns what arrangement would let everybody get something that’s important to him.
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Get a commitment and confirm it.
I can then expect that this will be our agreement and understanding about this.
Sometimes by writing your agreement or arrangement o paper and giving time for each person to
look at it helps to test and confirm the negotiation as well as bring closure to the process.
Recognize exceptions can be made to any policy without creating a new policy. Index the time,
lace, person where the agreement does not apply.
If someone then does not come through, you won’t have to jump n him, just inquire,
I thought you agreed that you would take out the garbage. Is that right or am I wrong
about that?
You said you would no longer yell at me, but that you would sit down and talk things out.
Are you no longer willing to do that? Or are you so stressed out that you need some time
out?
Our agreement was that I could expect you to be on tie when we meet to play tennis but
last Friday was the fourth time you have been more than 15 minutes late. Do we need to
renegotiate? I feel used and I don’t like feeling this way.
The agreement frame of the negotiation gives you something to keep coming back to and holding
each other accountable to. In doing this you are drawing the line between what you are
responsible for in relation to the other person and what that person is responsible for to you. This
confrontation skill enables you to be firm in a kind way. Aim to take the other person at his or
her word. Then you can hold that person accountable to that word by kindly reminding without
accusing or pushing.
If you are on the receiving end of a confrontation, give yourself permission to be confronted. Us
e this frame: an openness to rebuke makes me wise. It makes me open to learning from my
mistakes and faults.
“Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction, but he who heeds reproof is
honored.” (Proverbs 13:18)
“A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.”
(Proverbs 7:10)
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“Reprove a wise man and he will love you.” (Proverbs 9:8)
I II III V
Preparation Approach Encounter Resolution
IV. Backtracking
12) Defuse:
Drain stress
Affirm, validate
13) Go Slow
14) Time Out: table issue
References:
1. See the book Speak Up, Speak Clear, and Speak Kind (1987) for the specific communication
skills mentioned here.
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