Gestalt Blog #59 - - Longing for meeting

After a group process Trevor got in touch with some deep sadness.

I had given an exercise in the group to creatively explore aggression. Participants faced each other, and
pushed against each other with their hands. The instruction was to meet with equal force, which meant
that the stronger person would have to modulate themselves.

Trevor was the strongest in the group. In doing this with another man, he became competitive, and
pushed a bit harder, sending the other man stumbling back.

After this, I pointed out to him that my invitation was to find a way to meet, rather than overwhelm.

He looked sad. I acknowledged that, due to his strength of presence, he would rarely feel met in life.
This resonated with Trevor, and touched him deeply.

I asked him what he felt - anger in his arms, sadness in his heart.

So I suggested an experiment - we stood up, he pushed against me with his hands, and felt the anger in
his arms. I then stopped, and invited him to feel the sadness in his heart, as I hugged him. We repeated
that several times.

This allowed him to feel met in both these ways. As we did this, he called out ‘papa’…clearly this was
related to his relationship with his father. We however did not need to go into it at this stage, as the
focus was on interpersonal meeting in the moment, and the full experience of feelings.

He said ‘I have been looking for a teacher for a long time’. I suggested that in fact, he was looking for
being met. This named the dynamic in a way that he could have some input into, rather being
dependent on me supplying the contact.

We hugged. He lifted me off the ground. Then I lifted him off the ground. He grabbed me and spun me
around several times. I did the same to him.

He felt very satisfied - the meeting he had been longing for.

Of course, other therapists might not have been able to meet him physically in this way, but
nevertheless, its always possible to find a way to meet - this is very much the essence of Gestalt.

Gestalt Blog #60 -- Hating and loving

Jeremy and Miranda - a married couple - did an exercise which involved pushing hands against each
other, to get in touch with their aggression.

Miranda became very upset after the exercise. She spoke about feeling very angry in relationship, and
stuck in a pattern with Jeremy. When something was important to her, he would joke and laugh. She
found this infuriating, and didn't feel met at all.
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So I faced them towards each other, and invited her to tell him ‘I hate you right now’.

This is actually a very personal and contactful statement, from a Gestalt point of view. It does not blame
the other, speaks of self, and is clear and clean.

She did so, and he burst into laughter.

Whilst at other times, this could be invitation to some mutual fun, in the context of a direct and
important expression of feeling, it can be experienced as discounting, or what we term in Gestalt as a
‘deflection’.

His humour masked his underlying discomfort with her anger, and this overwhelm in being able to be
with her in that place.

So I supported him by helping him breathe into his belly, relax his jaw, and encouraged him by offering
understanding of how difficult it was for him to be with her in this place, his overwhelm etc.

He found it very hard to stay present, and every time he laughed, Miranda became more furious,
pointing out this was exactly what happened in their relationship.

With a lot of support and encouragement from me, he was able to stay serious; I then encouraged her
to tell him very directly, repeatedly, the ‘I hate you right now statement’. She did this with intensity, for
several minutes. When she felt that she had been sufficiently met in this place, and expressed herself
fully, she softened, and told him she was afraid if she showed him how angry she was, he would leave
her.

I invited him to reassure her that this wasn't the case. He started to tell her he also felt insecure about
her leaving him, but I stopped him - she hadn't really finished yet, and didn't have the space to hear him
until she did.

She started settling, and then began telling him how much she loved him.

He was then able to talk to her about his feelings. The connection between them was strong, deep, and
palpable.

In Gestalt we are interested in supporting authentic and clear contact. When this is achieved, everything
else flows from that. In order to do so, people need both emotional support, skill instruction, and
containment.

Gestalt Blog #61 - - Getting comfortable with sexual feelings

Linda was 33 and single. She reported that she had plenty of men friends, but they were all ‘buddies’.
And when it came to the possibility of a romantic relationship, she found it hard to move out of the
buddy relationship.
Her aim in the session was to explore something unknown in herself.

I started out making contact with her, telling her my own openness and interest in ‘the unknown’. I
pointed out that we didn't know much about each other, so told her what I was curious about in her,
and invited her curiosity about me. In Gestalt we talk about the ‘creative void’ as being the area in which
we do not have certainty or clarity. This is a rich place to start an exploration, and doing Gestalt involves
the therapist being comfortable with that not-knowing.

She talked about being a ‘good girl’ and how she wanted to move out of that role with her parents. She
spoke of the way they would disapprove of her boyfriends, and how she leave through her window to
escape their gaze. She wanted to be able to make up her own mind, and build her own life. But she was
finding it found it difficult.

Putting this all together, it was about her sexuality. Her being a ‘good girl’ was preventing her from really
owning her sexuality fully with men, and hence relationships never progressed much past buddy
stage...and she said even if they did, she tended to put them back into that mode.

So the challenge was how to support her to be more with her sexual nature. I asked if there were any
women in the group who would consider themselves, at some time, as a ‘bad girl’. Only one (Martina)
raised her hand. I asked her to speak to Linda about that. In Gestalt we work with support, and in an
area as exposing as sexuality, this becomes very important - to feel one is not alone, and it also reduces
a sense of exposure, and increases belonging - essentially moving it away from the realm of shame.

Martina shared that for her it wasn't so much about good or bad girl, but stepping away from other
people’s definitions of good and bad, and finding out what she really wanted, what was right for her.

So I came back to Linda, asked her what she was feeling. She said she wasn't generally much in touch
with her body, so it was hard for her to know what she felt and what she wanted. Clearly, this was an
obstacle to stepping more into her sexuality!

So I very carefully invited her to do an experiment, giving her lots of choice about involvement, and
being able to stop if she needed. I also explained the boundaries of the experiment: this was only to be
done in the group, and the man who joined the experiment was doing so only to support her. It is very
important to set and manage boundaries when it comes to the area of sexuality.

I asked her to pick the man in the group she felt most attracted to.

I put them standing opposite each other. I asked Linda what she was feeling. A little nervous, but not
much else. Then I asked her to breathe, cycling the energy up and down her body, while looking at him.
She did this, but after a while said ‘he doesn't look that attractive to me anymore’. She was doing the
‘buddy’ conversion - de sexualising her energy, so I pointed that out, and asked if she was willing to
really step into the unknown. Here I used her original intention as a support for helping her take a risk.
The fact she had said this suggested to me that she may be up for it.
She agreed, so I asked her to keep breathing, looking at him, and feeling where and how pleasure was in
her body. At first there was not much. But after some time, she felt pleasure in the upper half of her
body. I kept encouraging her, and directing her breathing to continue. After some more time, she
allowed herself to feel the pleasure moving down lower into her stomach, and the just a little into her
hips.

Her experiment-partner gave some feedback about the changes he noticed through the process, and
then we discussed it for a while.

This was a major step for her, as she had never been able to hold this kind of energy, consciously, in her
body outside of actual sex. She had not realised the power she had, how to tune into it, stay with it, or
bring it into relationship with a man.

Working with sexuality is a delicate and challenging arena in psychotherapy. It can at times be subject to
abuse unless the therapist is very clear on their boundaries.

Nevertheless, its important not to shy away from it either, as people need support, and they are not
likely to get it anywhere else.

This experiment was carefully designed to move into ‘the unknown’ for her, yet with plenty of support,
and at a pace that was right for her.

We could have worked with the ‘shoulds’ from her parents, but she was ready to actually move into a
new experience, and tired of being held back, so she was willing to be at her edge.

Many people block their awareness; sexuality tends to be an area where there are often particularly
significant blocks. Sometimes this is due to trauma, but other times its the result of social/family
conditioning which discourages sexual feelings.

In working to restore these feelings, Gestalt therapy is not aiming at a ‘free for all’ sexuality, but rather
allowing sexual pleasure to take a natural place in the whole of our existence - neither dominant, nor
suppressed.

Gestalt Blog #62 -- Medusa

Tracy had a dream. She had killed a man, and put him in a cupboard. She was trying to ensure that none
of the people around found out. She had it in the back of her mind to blame it on her mother.

She walked down a corridor and met a man, a psychologist, who was also a detective. Their hands
brushed. She was trying to work out how to hide it from him as well. Crime music themes played.

We worked with the dream in a Gestalt manner.

I asked her to retell it as if it was happening in the present - stream of consciousness style.
As she did so, I would pause and ask her what she felt, or for details - for instance, of the man she had
killed.

I then asked her to ‘be the man’, and speak as if she were him.

He said that Tracy was cold, calculating and tough.

When she went back to being herself, she laughed, squirmed, and was uncomfortable with those
descriptions.

Next was the walk with the psychologist. She was working hard to hide the facts from him.

Then she played the psychologist. He felt that Tracy was powerful, and he wasn't going to be able to get
any thing out of her.

Back to her - I kept repeating the descriptions of her - powerful, cold, calculating, tough. She added that
she felt sadistic. So I put all those words together.

I asked two women from the group to come out and walk around, embodying those qualities.

Then I invited Tracy to do the same. She found it difficult, and kept laughing and smiling, but I
encouraged her to stay with the process, and feel herself as that powerful woman. I asked someone to
play the dead body, and someone else to play the part of her that wanted to claim innocence, as if she
would never hurt anyone.

I directed her to look at some of the men in the group ‘as if looks could kill’. She felt her power, but
alternated with laughing. However, she said that she felt a bit evil as she laughed. Laughing is often a
form of deflection, a way of disowning experience.

I asked her to breathe into her stomach - I could see she was breathing up high.

When she did so, she reported feeling a stone in her stomach. Then a blockage at her heart. I
encouraged the breathing, feeling the stone, as well as her power.

She said this was about firstly the rejection she experienced from her parents, and then secondly, the
suppression of her sexuality. She felt like she had a dagger in her hand, and wanted to keep fiddling with
it. She felt a bit like Medusa...who could turn men to stone by looking at them. She said she had some
pleasurable sexual feelings in her body.

She looked very different now - much more serious, no longer laughing or ‘playing innocent’.

This was the point of owing, rather than disowning, her power. She could experience all of her - her
killer, her sexuality, her power as a woman.

In Gestalt, it is the disowning of parts of ourselves that is seen as dangerous. When people allow
forbidden parts of themselves into their awareness, then they can make full choices, and in that sense,
‘take responsibility’. This is the existential orientation of Gestalt - not to provide any solutions or moral
direction of what one should do, but to restore people’s sense of being fully with themselves, and
therefore able to make authentic choices.

In this session I followed the energetic movements, and kept focusing her towards the disowned self -
her aggression, power etc. She found it very hard to stay with this and own it. She was able to let go of
things

she swallowed that are basically undigested shoulds.

Gestalt Blog #63 -- The fast talking limper

Murray had worked in the police force for 20 years. Then, at one accident scene, he suddenly found that
he had lost his resilience. Normally he could get over whatever emotion he might occasionally feel. But
that time it was different. He found that he didn't recover.

He went on stress leave for some time, but he had really reached his limit. So he retired from the police
force, and opened up a corner shop in a little village.

His life was ok, but he was still internally very stressed, so he came to me for help.

The thing about Murray was that he talked a mile a minute. And he was quite entertaining, he told lots
of stories, and one story just morphed into the next. He could basically talk non stop. I enjoyed listening
to him, as he was indeed a good storyteller.

But it was hard to get a word in edgeways, and hence I didn't get a lot of sense of actually being able to
get beneath the surface with them, and get down to some kind of more solid therapy.

This continued for a number of sessions, each time I faced that same challenge. I told him about my
experience, but it made no difference whatsoever.

I did notice something though. Murray walked with a distinctive limp. I looked like it was a bit painful for
him to walk.

So in the middle of one of his stories, I interrupted him. I said, ‘I notice an interesting polarity’. You talk
very fast, but you have to walk slowly.’

Murray agreed, but it didn't seem of much significance to him.

I asked ’so what if you spoke as slowly as you walked?’.

This was a new proposition, but it still didn't mean much to him. So I suggested an experiment - he walk
up and down the room, and match one step with one word.
When he did this, of course, he was forced to speak slowly. Suddenly he understood what I was pointing
to - his body was trying to slow him down, but he wasn't getting the hint. When he spoke more slowly,
he was able to start feeling - the thing that all his talking was avoiding.

Once we had access to his feelings, the therapeutic work could really begin…

In Gestalt, we pay attention to ‘phenomena’ - in this case, the speed of his speech (rather than the
content), and his limp. By not jumping to any conclusions as to their significance, we allow new
‘Gestalts’ (configurations) to emerge and connect together. In this case, a profound polarity. We are on
the lookout for polarities, because they often indicate splits in the personality, which are ways to avoid
awareness. Once these splits come into awareness, we can work with them, and naturally, the person
will move towards greater integration - though they may need a little help. The Gestalt experiment is
borne out of these observations, and is a way to explore awareness of these splits, rather than just talk
about them, or ‘know’ about them. The kind of knowing we are interested in is an integrated, body
based sense.

Gestalt Blog #64 - - Sensible choices or crazy choices

Zac had relationship troubles. His girlfriend Marta was ‘a handful’. She was creative, had a colourful
personality, and shared many of his values about society and politics. She was very accepting of him,
something he had not experienced in relationship before. He had fun with her, but there were things he
couldn't come to terms with.

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She smoked pot, he didn't. She was into hardcore pornography, he wasn't. She wanted to have multiple
sexual partners, he dint. He liked her wildness, but it also pained him. He could see that she was
unstable, but he felt that he could help her. He didn't want to have yet another failed relationship, so he
had stuck with it for 2 years. But she was often reactive, would sometimes scream at him, and was quite
unstable.

It seemed that it was just too difficult a relationship, yet, he couldn't let go. He had ideas that his love
could change her, that things would get better.

I put it to him: what if things did not get better? What if she didn't change? What if she didn't want to
change? What if she never agreed to monogamy?

These were hard questions for him to consider. I asked him directly, because he was more in touch with
his fantasy than the reality. And he was avoiding dealing with the ‘what is’, and his feelings about that.
He moved away from himself by dreaming about the future.

Gestalt is very much focused on the present, and especially our experience in the present. People often
need support to really come into the present, and Zac had his particular ways of avoiding the present.
Following this process, it became very clear to him that he didn't want to live this way, didn't want this
kind of pointless struggle in relationship, and that if she wasn't going to change, then the relationship
would not work for him, and he would need to let it go.

I was careful not to influence him. The existential view is that whatever you choose to do with your life
is your choice, and you just need to be willing to live with the consequences, foreseeable and
unforeseeable. My task in this place is to confront someone with their choices, with the consequence of
their choices, and to help them step off the fence and into their life. What is important is that they know
it is them making the decision, not others, not circumstances.

In this case, if he chose to stay, then it would be out of the clear choice to be with her as she was, rather
than coming in with a reform agenda. It was hard for him to let go of his agenda, but when he did, then
he could see that there wasn't enough there for him.

However, I could tell that, as rational as this was, it wasn't quite so simple.

So I invited him to play out a conversation between two sides - the part that was ready to let go, and the
part that wanted to hold onto relationship.

It became clear that the holding on part was his child self, very emotional. The letting go part was his
rational self, that could detach. Just because he was making a ‘sensible’ and rational choice, doesn't
mean the situation was resolved. The child part, the feeling part, needed to be included in the decision.
This took quite some conversation between the two parts - not just words, but the feelings that went
with each side.

Slowly, there was some kind of meeting, some kind of agreement. There was a resolution that was
arrived at, that included the child self. But I didn't assume this was the end of the story, though it was
the end of the session. It was something that I would need to return to in later sessions.

Fritz Perls called it our ‘topdog’ and ‘underdog’, and as competent and clear and forward thinking we
may feel, the fact is theres another part of us which undermines the direction of the topdog. In this case,
the rational and sensible wasn't enough. Hence we need to be careful about not siding too much with
the topdog.

Gestalt Blog #65 - - Joined in sadism

Kathy’s mother was quite unstable, in the worst of ways. Growing up, her mother would find ways to
criticise, attack, and blame Kathy and her siblings. She would hurt the children emotionally, and at other
times was unavailable. Her moods, her anger were difficult to live with. But at other times, she could be
generous, compassionate, and took care of all the physical needs.

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Kathy had, understandably, problems in her marriage. Sometimes she could be very loving, but other
times she was suspicious and mistrustful, and could become very moody and critical herself. She was
horrified at the way she was repeating her mother’s behaviour, and could see the destructive effects on
her husband.

But she felt very stuck, and when she became triggered, she found it almost impossible not to revert to
this kind of behaviour. She knew it was destroying her relationship, and so she came for help.

In Gestalt we move into the problem, rather than stepping back from it. Kathy’s difficulty was that she
was becoming what she didn't want to be. We see the resistance as part of the issue, and we don't want
to participate in that by trying to help the person become different. Otherwise, we just conspire in
working against the resistance.

So I pointed out that this kind of behaviour which she experienced from her mother was quite sadistic.
Kathy agreed. I also pointed out that her own behaviour had those qualities as well. This was strong
language, but Kathy could see the validity in this way of naming what was going on.

So I invited her to step right into that part in an experiment. I asked her to simply say the sentence ‘I
want you to feel the pain I am feeling’. This sentence named the underlying relational dynamics to the
sadism. Both Kathy’s mother, and now Kathy, were in a great deal of pain, and the sadistic behaviour
contained an underlying yearning.

Kathy tried this line, though she found it difficult, and immediately felt its truth.

By stepping into her sadism in this way, she could own it.

I then made the experiment more difficult by asking her to imagine talking to her husband at a time
when she was in one of her moods. She repeated the same line. I asked how she felt in her body, to
ground her experience.

She felt a lot of nausea, a mixture of hate, shame and pleasure.

This was the heart of the matter experientially. By stepping directly into the sadism, and the feelings
accompanying it, we could reach the core dynamics, experientially rather than simply describing what
was going on. By placing Kathy at the centre of her experience, the possibility of existential choice
becomes apparent there.

I then invited her to breathe, to find her centre. The next step was I asked her to picture her mother,
with a sadistic smile on her face. Again, she felt the anxiety, tension and nausea. I asked her to come up
with a strengthening image - she though of the Buddha. This calmed her.

I then shuttled her between seeing her mother, feeling the feelings, and then seeing the Buddha, and
calming herself.

I asked her to make a statement to her mother: ‘I am connected with you when I am sadistic’.
This introduced another aspect of the relational dynamic, where the whole field was referenced - past
and present came together. The very act of being sadistic, united Kathy with her mother in a way she
could not otherwise achieve. That is how we become the thing we resist.

So by doing this process, owning her sadistic behaviour, owning her connection with her mother, and at
the same time, feeling her feelings, and finding a calming image, she was able to introduce novelty in
the the relationship and into her behaviour.

She felt relieved, and in a sense renewed by the work. I asked her to practice this whenever those
feelings came over her.

Gestalt Blog #66 - Stepping out of the circle

Ping talked about the family she grew up in. Her grandparents had not been much interested in her or

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her sister because they favoured boys.

She also didn't feel loved by her parents. Her mother gave her care, but there was rarely any display of
softness on her part. Her father had never hugged her.

She related an incident when she was 8. Her mother was dressing her; Ping told her mother than she
wanted a different coloured dress. Somehow she woke up her father, who in a rage picked her up and
threw her down the stairs. Her face was bleeding, but she still had to go to school. The teacher was
concerned, but nothing further was done. She didn't want to go home, and hid in a cave until someone
told her mother, who came to get her. Her mother showed some tears at her condition, but her father
never expressed remorse.

She was weeping as she told the story, describing how much pain was in her heart.

I was gentle with her, but she was in her world of pain, only peripherally noticing me.

I pointed out to her that I was a man. That I cared, but that this must be a tricky edge, because it was her
father who brought her pain; at the same time as giving her care, I also represented the older authority
who had originally hurt her so badly.

Ping nodded, and more tears flowed. She spoke of wanting her independence, to be her own person,
make decision in her own life.

I told her I approved, and would offer her what support I could.

She spoke of the way her mother was now pressuring her about getting married, and trying to influence
her work directions.
I kept bringing her back to the present, to my support, to the fact I was a man giving her support.

I constantly brought her attention back to her breathing, because she kept holding her breath. Without
this energetic movement, there would be no chance of the integration of the new experience.

Ping spoke again of wanting her autonomy, and of wanting to ‘step out of the circle’. that was like a
prison, of her family expectations.

So I invited her into a simple experiment.

We both stood up, imagining a circle around us. I held her hand, reminding her again of my support for
her autonomy. This kind of support especially needs to come from the father, and was missing in her
case, along with any tenderness. So I was supplying both to her.

It took quite some time, but eventually she took a step ‘outside’ the circle, and I with her.

I then took both her hands and told her, ‘now, you can determine the terms you want a relationship
based on. You can insist on being loved and treasured by a man’.

I gave her this message to reinforce the next step possible - to find a different kind of relationship with a
man, that was not simply an unconscious repeat of her father. She said, ‘I can hope for that, I can ask for
that’.

I corrected her language, because that was somewhat helpless and one-down power language.

I asked her to restate it in a way which had clearer boundaries - what she required at a minimum, her
boundaries.

This gave her the support and guidance from a man as to what she could expect from me.

She was profoundly affected by this process. It was simple, but underpinned by her yearning; the
emphasis in Gestalt is always in integration, in take small steps which are somatically embedded in
awareness and experience through the experiment.

Gestalt Blog #67 - - Invitation to conspiracy

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As soon as Annabelle started speaking I got an uncomfortable feeling. She clearly wanted to tell her
‘story’, about how she had been wronged in various ways, how she had valiantly tried to help others in
the family, etc. I found myself feeling impatient, and not really wanting to listen to her. I could see that
she would just talk, fill up the space, without really allowing for input - she seemed to just want to
complain.

After a while, she would ask me a question related to her story. But again, I felt uncomfortable, as she
seemed to have lots of questions…but it made me into some kind of expert to solve her situation.
I did not however say anything about my feelings. I conversed with her, but declined to answer all her
questions, asking her instead to make them into statements.

This is a common direction in Gestalt, because often questions are a ways of avoiding responsibility, or
showing up in relationship. Statements allow a person to own who they are, what they feel, and what
they want, in a more direct manner.

I did not say anything, because I could feel my own reactions, and I wanted to understand myself more
in that place. I sat with my own feelings, and got in touch with what my experience was.

Each time Annabelle spoke, it was in the same way, and I had the same reactions, including asking her to
make statements. This much I could do to interrupt the pattern, and I did not want to get drawn into the
role she was offering me - great wise person.

This was enough however to get her curious, about. Putting her back on her own experience gave her a
different experience, and because I did it in a neutral way, she was able to start noticing her feelings a
bit more.

I was discussing authenticity. Suddenly she said - ‘I want some honest feedback from you, how do you
find me?’

I took a breath, as this was an opening to deepening the relationship, but I also had to proceed carefully
as I realised the sensitivity that was also there alongside the question. This question I was willing to
engage with, because I judged it as a more authentic question.

Because I had sat with my own experience for some time with her, I was able to name something, not
directly about her, but about my own experience.

I said - ‘whenever you talk, I experience the invitation to be conspiratorial…I feel drawn in to agree with
you, to confirm your view of your family and how you have been treated. I feel uncomfortable with that,
because I don't want to reject you, nor do I want to join with you.’

This was naming my own authentic experience in a way which left her room to find herself in response.
It was my attempt at a non-shaming statement -very important in giving feedback.

Annabelle smiled broadly. She said - ‘thank you. Others have said this to me as well, but none so clearly
as you. I know what you are talking about. I feel like I am trying to get people on my side.’

We then had a very valuable authentic dialogue. I pointed out that there were other sides to being
conspiratorial - that could be a fun thing, like kids might play at. We explored a number of facets of it,
and Annabelle visibly relaxed, as did I! There was a shift in my experience…after being able to name my
experience. She experienced being seen.

This is the I-thou contact we are seeking in Gestalt, and is the basis for the deepening of relationship.

Gestalt Blog #68 -When words fall away.

Content

When someone raises a lot of issues, we need to be open to them, looking for what we call something
‘figural’ in Gestalt terms - a particular topic that has the most present energy.

What came into focus with Trevor was in relation to his current life. He had a strong spiritual interest,

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and in the past had even thought of becoming a monk. He was currently in his second marriage, with a
child, and was very committed to it.

Nevertheless, he was restless. The other polarity that emerged to his settled family life was ‘the
mountains’. As we explored this, it became clear that they represented the call of nature, a simpler life,
hugging a tree, feeling connected with the earth, time for spiritual practice.

In Gestalt we are very interested in polarities, especially as they becomes ‘split’. We work with
increasing awareness and ownership of both sides.

So I explored his feelings on both sides - his family life, and call of the mountains. He was ok with his
choice to start another family, yet he kept on feeling dissatisfied, restless.

It became clear that he had not fully reconciled himself to the life he had chosen - he was only partly in
it, and part of his heart was with another dream.

I spent time with him, expressing to him how much I understood his longing, and had experienced my
own version of that in the past. Such connecting statements are important in Gestalt - not as an
empathic technique, but as a genuine statement of shared humanity.

I shared my own feelings around spirituality, nature, family life, the loss of my image of becoming a
monk. We sad in deep silence for many minutes. There was nothing to say. I could not help him; he had
made his choice, and here was the consequence. It was neither good nor bad. It was both painful and
pleasurable. There was both loss and gain. There was no facilitation to be done, no problem to solve, no
interpretative insight to communicate.

Just meeting.

Then, something silently shifted for both of us.

He thanked me. That was enough.

There are times in therapy to talk, to help, to explore. And times to just be with what is. To be with the
other person in the place where there are no solutions.

The experience was emotionally profound, and we both felt deeply touched. Trevor felt deeply
understood, and fully met.
Gestalt Blog #69 - - Longing for meeting

After a group process Trevor got in touch with some deep sadness.

I had given an exercise in the group to creatively explore aggression. Participants faced each other, and
pushed against each other with their hands. The instruction was to meet with equal force, which meant
that the stronger person would have to modulate themselves.

Trevor was the strongest in the group. In doing this with another man, he became competitive, and
pushed a bit harder, sending the other man stumbling back.

After this, I pointed out to him that my invitation was to find a way to meet, rather than overwhelm.

He looked sad. I acknowledged that, due to his strength of presence, he would rarely feel met in life.
This resonated with Trevor, and touched him deeply.

I asked him what he felt - anger in his arms, sadness in his heart.

So I suggested an experiment - we stood up, he pushed against me with his hands, and felt the anger in
his arms. I then stopped, and invited him to feel the sadness in his heart, as I hugged him. We repeated
that several times.

This allowed him to feel met in both these ways. As we did this, he called out ‘papa’…clearly this was
related to his relationship with his father. We however did not need to go into it at this stage, as the
focus

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was on interpersonal meeting in the moment, and the full experience of feelings.

He said ‘I have been looking for a teacher for a long time’. I suggested that in fact, he was looking for
being met. This named the dynamic in a way that he could have some input into, rather being
dependent on me supplying the contact.

We hugged. He lifted me off the ground. Then I lifted him off the ground. He grabbed me and spun me
around several times. I did the same to him.

He felt very satisfied - the meeting he had been longing for.

Of course, other therapists might not have been able to meet him physically in this way, but
nevertheless, its always possible to find a way to meet - this is very much the essence of Gestalt.

Gestalt Blog #70 - - Hating and loving

Jeremy and Miranda - a married couple - did an exercise which involved pushing hands against each
other, to get in touch with their aggression.
Miranda became very upset after the exercise. She spoke about feeling very angry in relationship, and
stuck in a pattern with Jeremy. When something was important to her, he would joke and laugh. She
found this infuriating, and didn't feel met at all.

So I faced them towards each other, and invited her to tell him ‘I hate you right now’.

This is actually a very personal and contactful statement, from a Gestalt point of view. It does not blame
the other, speaks of self, and is clear and clean.

She did so, and he burst into laughter.

Whilst at other times, this could be invitation to some mutual fun, in the context of a direct and
important expression of feeling, it can be experienced as discounting, or what we term in Gestalt as a
‘deflection’.

His humour masked his underlying discomfort with her anger, and this overwhelm in being able to be
with her in that place.

So I supported him by helping him breathe into his belly, relax his jaw, and encouraged him by offering
understanding of how difficult it was for him to be with her in this place, his overwhelm etc.

He found it very hard to stay present, and every time he laughed, Miranda became more furious,
pointing out this was exactly what happened in their relationship.

With a lot of support and encouragement from me, he was able to stay serious; I then encouraged her
to tell him very directly, repeatedly, the ‘I hate you right now statement’. She did this with intensity, for
several minutes. When she felt that she had been sufficiently met in this place, and expressed herself
fully, she softened, and told him she was afraid if she showed him how angry she was, he would leave
her.

I invited him to reassure her that this wasn't the case. He started to tell her he also felt insecure about
her leaving him, but I stopped him - she hadn't really finished yet, and didn't have the space to hear him
until she did.

She started settling, and then began telling him how much she loved him.

He was then able to talk to her about his feelings. The connection between them was strong, deep, and
palpable.

In Gestalt we are interested in supporting authentic and clear contact. When this is achieved, everything
else flows from that. In order to do so, people need both emotional support, skill instruction, and

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containment.

Gestalt Blog #71 - Getting comfortable with sexual feelings

Linda was 33 and single. She reported that she had plenty of men friends, but they were all ‘buddies’.
And when it came to the possibility of a romantic relationship, she found it hard to move out of the
buddy relationship.

Her aim in the session was to explore something unknown in herself.

I started out making contact with her, telling her my own openness and interest in ‘the unknown’. I
pointed out that we didn't know much about each other, so told her what I was curious about in her,
and invited her curiosity about me. In Gestalt we talk about the ‘creative void’ as being the area in which
we do not have certainty or clarity. This is a rich place to start an exploration, and doing Gestalt involves
the therapist being comfortable with that not-knowing.

She talked about being a ‘good girl’ and how she wanted to move out of that role with her parents. She
spoke of the way they would disapprove of her boyfriends, and how she leave through her window to
escape their gaze. She wanted to be able to make up her own mind, and build her own life. But she was
finding it found it difficult.

Putting this all together, it was about her sexuality. Her being a ‘good girl’ was preventing her from really
owning her sexuality fully with men, and hence relationships never progressed much past buddy
stage...and she said even if they did, she tended to put them back into that mode.

So the challenge was how to support her to be more with her sexual nature. I asked if there were any
women in the group who would consider themselves, at some time, as a ‘bad girl’. Only one (Martina)
raised her hand. I asked her to speak to Linda about that. In Gestalt we work with support, and in an
area as exposing as sexuality, this becomes very important - to feel one is not alone, and it also reduces
a sense of exposure, and increases belonging - essentially moving it away from the realm of shame.

Martina shared that for her it wasn't so much about good or bad girl, but stepping away from other
people’s definitions of good and bad, and finding out what she really wanted, what was right for her.

So I came back to Linda, asked her what she was feeling. She said she wasn't generally much in touch
with her body, so it was hard for her to know what she felt and what she wanted. Clearly, this was an
obstacle to stepping more into her sexuality!

So I very carefully invited her to do an experiment, giving her lots of choice about involvement, and
being able to stop if she needed. I also explained the boundaries of the experiment: this was only to be
done in the group, and the man who joined the experiment was doing so only to support her. It is very
important to set and manage boundaries when it comes to the area of sexuality.

I asked her to pick the man in the group she felt most attracted to.

I put them standing opposite each other. I asked Linda what she was feeling. A little nervous, but not
much else. Then I asked her to breathe, cycling the energy up and down her body, while looking at him.
She did this, but after a while said ‘he doesn't look that attractive to me anymore’. She was doing the
‘buddy’ conversion - de sexualising her energy, so I pointed that out, and asked if she was willing to
really step into the unknown. Here I used her original intention as a support for helping her take a risk.
The fact she had said this suggested to me that she may be up for it.

She agreed, so I asked her to keep breathing, looking at him, and feeling where and how pleasure was in
her body. At first there was not much. But after some time, she felt pleasure in the upper half of her
body. I kept encouraging her, and directing her breathing to continue. After some more time, she
allowed herself to feel the pleasure moving down lower into her stomach, and the just a little into her
hips.

Her experiment-partner gave some feedback about the changes he noticed through the process, and
then we discussed it for a while.

This was a major step for her, as she had never been able to hold this kind of energy, consciously, in her
body outside of actual sex. She had not realised the power she had, how to tune into it, stay with it, or
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bring it into relationship with a man.

Working with sexuality is a delicate and challenging arena in psychotherapy. It can at times be subject to
abuse unless the therapist is very clear on their boundaries.

Nevertheless, its important not to shy away from it either, as people need support, and they are not
likely to get it anywhere else.

This experiment was carefully designed to move into ‘the unknown’ for her, yet with plenty of support,
and at a pace that was right for her.

We could have worked with the ‘shoulds’ from her parents, but she was ready to actually move into a
new experience, and tired of being held back, so she was willing to be at her edge.

Many people block their awareness; sexuality tends to be an area where there are often particularly
significant blocks. Sometimes this is due to trauma, but other times its the result of social/family
conditioning which discourages sexual feelings.

In working to restore these feelings, Gestalt therapy is not aiming at a ‘free for all’ sexuality, but rather
allowing sexual pleasure to take a natural place in the whole of our existence - neither dominant, nor
suppressed.

Gestalt Blog #72 - - Medusa

Tracy had a dream. She had killed a man, and put him in a cupboard. She was trying to ensure that none
of the people around found out. She had it in the back of her mind to blame it on her mother.

She walked down a corridor and met a man, a psychologist, who was also a detective. Their hands
brushed. She was trying to work out how to hide it from him as well. Crime music themes played.

We worked with the dream in a Gestalt manner.

I asked her to retell it as if it was happening in the present - stream of consciousness style.

As she did so, I would pause and ask her what she felt, or for details - for instance, of the man she had
killed.

I then asked her to ‘be the man’, and speak as if she were him.

He said that Tracy was cold, calculating and tough.

When she went back to being herself, she laughed, squirmed, and was uncomfortable with those
descriptions.

Next was the walk with the psychologist. She was working hard to hide the facts from him.

Then she played the psychologist. He felt that Tracy was powerful, and he wasn't going to be able to get
any thing out of her.

Back to her - I kept repeating the descriptions of her - powerful, cold, calculating, tough. She added that
she felt sadistic. So I put all those words together.

I asked two women from the group to come out and walk around, embodying those qualities.

Then I invited Tracy to do the same. She found it difficult, and kept laughing and smiling, but I
encouraged her to stay with the process, and feel herself as that powerful woman. I asked someone to
play the dead body, and someone else to play the part of her that wanted to claim innocence, as if she
would never hurt anyone.

I directed her to look at some of the men in the group ‘as if looks could kill’. She felt her power, but
alternated with laughing. However, she said that she felt a bit evil as she laughed. Laughing is often a
form of deflection, a way of disowning experience.

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I asked her to breathe into her stomach - I could see she was breathing up high.

When she did so, she reported feeling a stone in her stomach. Then a blockage at her heart. I
encouraged the breathing, feeling the stone, as well as her power.

She said this was about firstly the rejection she experienced from her parents, and then secondly, the
suppression of her sexuality. She felt like she had a dagger in her hand, and wanted to keep fiddling with
it. She felt a bit like Medusa...who could turn men to stone by looking at them. She said she had some
pleasurable sexual feelings in her body.

She looked very different now - much more serious, no longer laughing or ‘playing innocent’.

This was the point of owing, rather than disowning, her power. She could experience all of her - her
killer, her sexuality, her power as a woman.
In Gestalt, it is the disowning of parts of ourselves that is seen as dangerous. When people allow
forbidden parts of themselves into their awareness, then they can make full choices, and in that sense,
‘take responsibility’. This is the existential orientation of Gestalt - not to provide any solutions or moral
direction of what one should do, but to restore people’s sense of being fully with themselves, and
therefore able to make authentic choices.

In this session I followed the energetic movements, and kept focusing her towards the disowned self -
her aggression, power etc. She found it very hard to stay with this and own it. She was able to let go of
things she swallowed that are basically undigested shoulds.

Gestalt Blog #73 - - The fast talking limper

Murray had worked in the police force for 20 years. Then, at one accident scene, he suddenly found that
he had lost his resilience. Normally he could get over whatever emotion he might occasionally feel. But
that time it was different. He found that he didn't recover.

He went on stress leave for some time, but he had really reached his limit. So he retired from the police
force, and opened up a corner shop in a little village.

His life was ok, but he was still internally very stressed, so he came to me for help.

The thing about Murray was that he talked a mile a minute. And he was quite entertaining, he told lots
of stories, and one story just morphed into the next. He could basically talk non stop. I enjoyed listening
to him, as he was indeed a good storyteller.

But it was hard to get a word in edgeways, and hence I didn't get a lot of sense of actually being able to
get beneath the surface with them, and get down to some kind of more solid therapy.

This continued for a number of sessions, each time I faced that same challenge. I told him about my
experience, but it made no difference whatsoever.

I did notice something though. Murray walked with a distinctive limp. I looked like it was a bit painful for
him to walk.

So in the middle of one of his stories, I interrupted him. I said, ‘I notice an interesting polarity’. You talk
very fast, but you have to walk slowly.’

Murray agreed, but it didn't seem of much significance to him.

I asked ’so what if you spoke as slowly as you walked?’.

This was a new proposition, but it still didn't mean much to him. So I suggested an experiment - he walk
up and down the room, and match one step with one word.

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When he did this, of course, he was forced to speak slowly. Suddenly he understood what I was pointing
to - his body was trying to slow him down, but he want getting the hint. When he spoke more slowly, he
was able to start feeling - the thing that all his talking was avoiding.

Once we had access to his feelings, the therapeutic work could really begin…

In Gestalt, we pay attention to ‘phenomena’ - in this case, the speed of his speech (rather than the
content), and his limp. By not jumping to any conclusions as to their significance, we allow new
‘Gestalts’ (configurations) to emerge and connect together. In this case, a profound polarity. We are on
the lookout for polarities, because they often indicate splits in the personality, which are ways to avoid
awareness. Once these splits come into awareness, we can work with them, and naturally, the person
will move towards greater integration - though they may need a little help. The Gestalt experiment is
borne out of these observations, and is a way to explore awareness of these splits, rather than just talk
about them, or ‘know’ about them. The kind of knowing we are interested in is an integrated, body
based sense.

Gestalt Blog #74 - Sensible choices or crazy choices

Zac had relationship troubles. His girlfriend Marta was ‘a handful’. She was creative, had a colourful
personality, and shared many of his values about society and politics. She was very accepting of him,
something he had not experienced in relationship before. He had fun with her, but there were things he
couldn't come to terms with.

She smoked pot, he didn't. She was into hardcore pornography, he want. She wanted to have multiple
sexual partners, he didn't. He liked her wildness, but it also pained him. He could see that she was
unstable, but he felt that he could help her. He didn't want to have yet another failed relationship, so he
had stuck with it for 2 years. But she was often reactive, would sometimes scream at him, and was quite
unstable.

It seemed that it was just too difficult a relationship, yet, he couldn't let go. He had ideas that his love
could change her, that things would get better.

I put it to him: what if things did not get better? What if she didn't change? What if she didn't want to
change? What if she never agreed to monogamy?

These were hard questions for him to consider. I asked him directly, because he was more in touch with
his fantasy than the reality. And he was avoiding dealing with the ‘what is’, and his feelings about that.
He moved away from himself by dreaming about the future.

Gestalt is very much focused on the present, and especially our experience in the present. People often
need support to really come into the present, and Zac had his particular ways of avoiding the present.

Following this process, it became very clear to him that he didn't want to live this way, didn't want this
kind of pointless struggle in relationship, and that if she wasn't going to change, then the relationship
would not work for him, and he would need to let it go.
I was careful not to influence him. The existential view is that whatever you choose to do with your life
is your choice, and you just need to be willing to live with the consequences, foreseeable and
unforeseeable. My task in this place is to confront someone with their choices, with the consequence of
their choices, and to help them step off the fence and into their life. What is important is that they know
it is them making the decision, not others, not circumstances.

In this case, if he chose to stay, then it would be out of the clear choice to be with her as she was, rather
than coming in with a reform agenda. It was hard for him to let go of his agenda, but when he did, then
he could see that there wasn't enough there for him.

However, I could tell that, as rational as this was, it wasn't quite so simple.

So I invited him to play out a conversation between two sides - the part that was ready to let go, and the
part that wanted to hold onto relationship.

It became clear that the holding on part was his child self, very emotional. The letting go part was his 20

rational self, that could detach. Just because he was making a ‘sensible’ and rational choice, doesn't
mean the situation was resolved. The child part, the feeling part, needed to be included in the decision.
This took quite some conversation between the two parts - not just words, but the feelings that went
with each side.

Slowly, there was some kind of meeting, some kind of agreement. There was a resolution that was
arrived at, that included the child self. But I didn't assume this was the end of the story, though it was
the end of the session. It was something that I would need to return to in later sessions.

Fritz Perls called it our ‘topdog’ and ‘underdog’, and as competent and clear and forward thinking we
may feel, the fact is theres another part of us which undermines the direction of the topdog. In this case,
the rational and sensible wasn't enough. Hence we need to be careful about not siding too much with
the topdog.

Gestalt Blog #75 -- Joined in sadism

Kathy’s mother was quite unstable, in the worst of ways. Growing up, her mother would find ways to
criticise, attack, and blame Kathy and her siblings. She would hurt the children emotionally, and at other
times was unavailable. Her moods, her anger were difficult to live with. But at other times, she could be
generous, compassionate, and took care of all the physical needs.

Kathy had, understandably, problems in her marriage. Sometimes she could be very loving, but other
times she was suspicious and mistrustful, and could become very moody and critical herself. She was
horrified at the way she was repeating her mother’s behaviour, and could see the destructive effects on
her husband.

But she felt very stuck, and when she became triggered, she found it almost impossible not to revert to
this kind of behaviour. She knew it was destroying her relationship, and so she came for help.
In Gestalt we move into the problem, rather than stepping back from it. Kathy’s difficulty was that she
was becoming what she didn't want to be. We see the resistance as part of the issue, and we don't want
to participate in that by trying to help the person become different. Otherwise, we just conspire in
working against the resistance.

So I pointed out that this kind of behaviour which she experienced from her mother was quite sadistic.
Kathy agreed. I also pointed out that her own behaviour had those qualities as well. This was strong
language, but Kathy could see the validity in this way of naming what was going on.

So I invited her to step right into that part in an experiment. I asked her to simply say the sentence ‘I
want you to feel the pain I am feeling’. This sentence named the underlying relational dynamics to the
sadism. Both Kathy’s mother, and now Kathy, were in a great deal of pain, and the sadistic behaviour
contained an underlying yearning.

Kathy tried this line, though she found it difficult, and immediately felt its truth.

By stepping into her sadism in this way, she could own it.

I then made the experiment more difficult by asking her to imagine talking to her husband at a time
when she was in one of her moods. She repeated the same line. I asked how she felt in her body, to
ground her experience.

She felt a lot of nausea, a mixture of hate, shame and pleasure.

This was the heart of the matter experientially. By stepping directly into the sadism, and the feelings
accompanying it, we could reach the core dynamics, experientially rather than simply describing what
was going on. By placing Kathy at the centre of her experience, the possibility of existential choice
becomes apparent there.

I then invited her to breathe, to find her centre. The next step was I asked her to picture her mother,
with a sadistic smile on her face. Again, she felt the anxiety, tension and nausea. I asked her to come up
with a strengthening image - she though of the Buddha. This calmed her.

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I then shuttled her between seeing her mother, feeling the feelings, and then seeing the Buddha, and
calming herself.

I asked her to make a statement to her mother: ‘I am connected with you when I am sadistic’.

This introduced another aspect of the relational dynamic, where the whole field was referenced - past
and present came together. The very act of being sadistic, united Kathy with her mother in a way she
could not otherwise achieve. That is how we become the thing we resist.
So by doing this process, owning her sadistic behaviour, owning her connection with her mother, and at
the same time, feeling her feelings, and finding a calming image, she was able to introduce novelty in
the the relationship and into her behaviour.

She felt relieved, and in a sense renewed by the work. I asked her to practice this whenever those
feelings came over her.

Gestalt Blog #76 - - Stepping out of the circle

Ping talked about the family she grew up in. Her grandparents had not been much interested in her or
her sister because they favoured boys.

She also didn't feel loved by her parents. Her mother gave her care, but there was rarely any display of
softness on her part. Her father had never hugged her.

She related an incident when she was 8. Her mother was dressing her; Ping told her mother than she
wanted a different coloured dress. Somehow she woke up her father, who in a rage picked her up and
threw her down the stairs. Her face was bleeding, but she still had to go to school. The teacher was
concerned, but nothing further was done. She didn't want to go home, and hid in a cave until someone
told her mother, who came to get her. Her mother showed some tears at her condition, but her father
never expressed remorse.

She was weeping as she told the story, describing how much pain was in her heart.

I was gentle with her, but she was in her world of pain, only peripherally noticing me.

I pointed out to her that I was a man. That I cared, but that this must be a tricky edge, because it was her
father who brought her pain; at the same time as giving her care, I also represented the older authority
who had originally hurt her so badly.

Ping nodded, and more tears flowed. She spoke of wanting her independence, to be her own person,
make decision in her own life.

I told her I approved, and would offer her what support I could.

She spoke of the way her mother was now pressuring her about getting married, and trying to influence
her work directions.

I kept bringing her back to the present, to my support, to the fact I was a man giving her support.

I constantly brought her attention back to her breathing, because she kept holding her breath. Without
this energetic movement, there would be no chance of the integration of the new experience.

Ping spoke again of wanting her autonomy, and of wanting to ‘step out of the circle’. that was like a
prison, of her family expectations.
So I invited her into a simple experiment.

We both stood up, imagining a circle around us. I held her hand, reminding her again of my support for
her autonomy. This kind of support especially needs to come from the father, and was missing in her
case, along with any tenderness. So I was supplying both to her.

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It took quite some time, but eventually she took a step ‘outside’ the circle, and I with her.

I then took both her hands and told her, ‘now, you can determine the terms you want a relationship
based on. You can insist on being loved and treasured by a man’.

I gave her this message to reinforce the next step possible - to find a different kind of relationship with a
man, that was not simply an unconscious repeat of her father. She said, ‘I can hope for that, I can ask for
that’.

I corrected her language, because that was somewhat helpless and one-down power language.

I asked her to restate it in a way which had clearer boundaries - what she required at a minimum, her
boundaries.

This gave her the support and guidance from a man as to what she could expect from me.

She was profoundly affected by this process. It was simple, but underpinned by her yearning; the
emphasis in Gestalt is always in integration, in take small steps which are somatically embedded in
awareness and experience through the experiment.

Gestalt Blog #77 - A traditional marriage, or a modern marriage?

Content

Hong and Yuen were engaged. She was 35 and he 43. They came because of a difficult dispute they
could not resolve. In accordance with tradition, Hong wanted his mother to come live with them after
they got married, and Yuen was completely opposed to it.

After exploring a little of their backgrounds, I asked each of them the main area of concern they had
about getting married. They both agreed this was the sticking point.

However, they had not really discussed a wide range of future issues in detail. So I firstly stepped back
and took them to a wider perspective. Put a marker at one end symbolising a traditional Chinese
marriage relationship, and a symbol at the other end for a modern relationship. I then asked each one
where they were on the spectrum. Hong was 30% off from the traditional end, and Yuen 30% off from
the modern end.

I explained to them that this was the basic issue at stake, and that there would be many specific
instances of where such a difference would manifest in a conflict. I asked for a summary statement of
their position. For Hong it was getting along with the extended family. He wanted Yuen to be ‘gentle and
soft’. For Yuen it was being separate and independent, as couple, and being able to have her own mind
about matters.

So firstly I asked them to make a sentence to each other: ‘I can see you are different than me, and thats
difficult’. This process confronted them with the actuality of the difference. Hong tried to add ‘and I
hope that you will change’, but I stopped him - this is an essential problem with couples, they hope that
the other will (in time) change.

So I got them to say another sentence: ‘I see the difference between us; I may not agree with your
views, but I do respect your position’.

This was hard for each of them, and Yuen was resistant, as she thought it meant capitulating to Hong’s
position. I explained that respect did not mean having to agree, and she finally made the statement.

There was a lot of emotion for each of them as they said this - they had to stop trying to convince the
other person, and just see them. This is always threatening for couples.

It was also understandable that Yuen felt distressed by this particularly - not only was she really attached
to having the house to themselves, she also afraid of being overruled by the weight of tradition that lay
on Hong’s side, and the fact that she was a woman, in a still-patriarchal world.

So I told Hong about one of John Gottman’s research findings about couples - that marriages were more

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successful when them man was willing to be influenced by his wife. This is mostly likely because in a
structural sense, men tend to have more power in most areas of life.

I then proceeded to help them negotiate this particular issue. I explained that some issues are indeed
either/or. But some can have creative solutions.

Yuen wanted evenings to themselves at the least.

Hong proposed that his mother could come during the day, as she had been using a room downstairs as
her office. Yuen agreed.

I asked for her proposal. She wanted the weekends to themselves, with the concession that his parents
could come for dinner sometimes.

Hong did not want some kind of rigid arrangement. I pointed out that a negotiation had to have clear
boundaries. So they discussed some details, and came to an agreement.

Then Hong’s face fell. This discussion had gone remarkably smoothly, and they had got past their
previous flare ups about it. They had actually reached agreement on these issues.
But he said ‘how am I going to talk to my mother about this?’ He was genuinely distressed: a
developmental task of differentiating was in front of him, and he was baulking.

Yuen became very distressed herself and started crying. She became very fearful that he would go back
on the agreement, and simply assert the ‘should’ of the traditional model. She started to try to argue
with him.

I stopped her, and asked her to look at his face. She found it very hard to do so, she was angry and
afraid. When both people are distressed, its hard for one to contain themselves and be there for the
other.

I chose to ask her to do this. He was struggling profoundly within himself between his sense of duty, and
his desire to prioritise their relationship. She was the one that initiated the therapy session, and who
had more psychological knowledge. So I focused on her, and gave her support. I asked her to really
come into the present, to see him in his struggles. She found this very hard to do, but I kept focusing
her. I presented love to her as a choice in that moment. I said - can you see his genuine struggle, and can
you just love him in this place, despite being different?

She set aside her fear, and shifted. She said ‘I will never forget my intention to love you, even though
there are differences’. This was a profound moment between them, and I also had tears in my eyes.
They had made it through the conflict, and in fact deepened their love, and their capacity for loving, in a
very significant way. He felt deeply seen, and said to her - you are gentle and soft to me right now. They
had both taken a risk, and arrived together in a new place.

I pointed out that there would be many more of these issues arising, but now they knew they how to get
through them.

In Gestalt we are interested in differences, as a potential point of good contact. This requires self
support at the contact boundary, and an interest in the other. Most people find this difficult, and usually
they need support to be able to do this. The support needs to be both practical - the how to - as well as
emotional. Its very confronting to encounter difference, and often people feel angry, or shaky. When
Yuen was able to be present with herself, and then with Hong in the moment of his vulnerability, an
impossible situation was able to change.

Gestalt Blog #78 - The very painful truths

I am back in LA. My wife’s visa has been approved, but it will still be another month before she is able to
come here.

Mandy and Brian came for couples counselling. They were at a crisis. After 15 years of marriage and two

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children, Brian was having an affair (his fourth in the marriage), and Mandy, at 40, was desperate to save
the marriage. She was determine they were not going to split up. Brian came very reluctantly to the
session.

I worked with Mandy first, as Brian was cautious and unwilling to open up. I explored the history, and
her personal context. Then I asked about the marriage. She said they had not been intimate for 6 years,
and she had learned to adjust. She was waiting for him to take the lead, and he never did. She spoke
with her friends, and they told her she couldn't really expect much more, and to get on with other things
in her life, her kids etc.

I asked her the percentages of how much quality was in their marriage in various areas - intimacy, sex,
children, finances, support. They ranged from 5% to 50% at the highest, with intimacy being at the lower
end.

She said she would need the average to go up to 30% to be satisfied, and she was willing to do whatever
it took.

I then asked Brian his percentages. They were in a somewhat similar range, some lower and some
higher. He said it would have to go up to 75% for him to be satisfied.

These problems however had been going on for the last 10 years. They didn't talk much about
interpersonal issues, and both chose to avoid difficult topics.

Mandy had managed herself by meditating. Brian by numbing himself and throwing himself into work.
Now things were in crisis. He was unwilling to give up the affair, she was unwilling for things to continue
in this way. They were stalemated, and had few skills to talk about it.

Checking with Brian, he was finished. He had no interest at all in working on the marriage, on saving it,
even if it could be saved. He had moved on, and wanted out.

This was intolerable to Mandy. She was determined to find a way through. Her love would melt his
armour.

However, if he did not change his affair, she would hang on to the end, refusing him the freedom of a
divorce. I pointed out this was more like a battle, than an effort to melt his armour with love.

It was hard for her to see this. She was so anxious, and so determined, that she could not face the truth
of where Brian was at.

I asked him if he absolutely was finished, and if there were not circumstances under which he could
change his mind. He said yes, this was true.

So I asked him to give her that ‘truth’ statement.

Mandy found it almost impossible to hear. She wanted to argue, to convince him, to deny, to threaten. I
gave her a lot of support, acknowledging her feelings. Once she let in his statement, she said she would
rather die, it was far too difficult.

Again, I gave her a lot of acknowledgment for how terrible she felt, how scared she was. I asked if she
wanted to hear about my experience of divorce, and then shared with her how I coped.

This was a little helpful for her, but she was still incredibly distressed.

Brian came out of his numbness and softened, telling her he cared for her, and was sad at her pain, but
that his caring was no longer an intimate one, but simply as a friend. Again, this truth statement was
extremely difficult for her to hear, and I gave her a lot of emotional support so she could stay present.

She wanted to go back to pretending, to avoiding, but it was too late.

I always support people to work things through. But my primary commitment is to helping people speak
their truths, hear each other, and get the support they need to be present in the process. This is
extremely hard when it comes to such devastating things as the end of a relationship.

In this case, nothing was going to be gained by Mandy continuing to ‘try’ in the face of Brian’s

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unwillingness. Her trying was in fact a kind of attempt to control the situation, and this became apparent
when she encountered his own choices. She indicated that she wanted the marriage intact, no matter
what he wanted.

So I asked her to make that truth statement to him - I don't care what you want, I only want what is
important to me.

He appreciate hearing the clarity of this, and it was hard for her to say it, but represented what was
going on. It made the transaction clearer, and it became evident to her that in that effort she was not
trying to melt his armour with love, but in fact asserting her need without regard to his.

This is what I call the ‘unvirtues’ - the ownership of the darker sides of ourselves. We identify as loving,
or identify as a victim, but its hard to acknowledge ourselves as in fact not-caring about the other
person. It takes a lot of courage, and a lot of support, to be able to do this, but such truthfulness is
always refreshing, and helps something different to happen.

This session was dealing with very difficult truths, but without such truth-speaking there is simply more
bitterness and anger and defensiveness. The ‘story’ each person tells of the relationship just gets more
entrenched.

But truth telling is not done to hit the other on the head. Its about one’s own personal truths. The other
party needs support to be able to hear this. Gestalt is focused on such relational truth telling, and we
understand that there is transformative power in doing so.
We approach relationship dynamics like this with the intention to improve the quality of the contact, not
to achieve a certain outcome, or approve or disapprove of either partner.

Gestalt Blog #79 - Hatchling Creativity

Brittany first mentioned that she had recently had a very upset stomach and digestive problems. I
wanted to get to know her a bit first before going into this though, as she had mentioned she felt a bit
embarrassed about it.

She ran a school, and had some problems with a student. I empathised, from my own experiences. This
established a place of connection. I felt a sense of heaviness sitting with her, and shared that. She spoke
about feeling unmotivated, especially about her work - she didn't want to go to work until later in the
day, and there were a few other signs of some kind of burnout.

I asked about her home life. It was good. Her son and husband both appreciated and nourished her. She
talked about hiding things around the house that they had to find in a game. She also wanted to put
wheels on all the furniture so she could move it around the house so when they came back everything
would be in a new place each time. I remarked that this showed a creative and playful side to her.

Brittany talked about spending a few days with her in laws; because they were older they just ate, slept,
and played cards. After some time she got bored, and wanted to change the card game rules around to
have variety; I pointed out this was her creativity and playfulness at work. But they were against it, so
she got very bored - and thats when she got the stomach bug.

We sat quietly for a while. She spoke about being younger, and not speaking much, but she used to
write. I asked her to imagine writing a story…what would the title be? She said it would be called ’The
Egg’. I asked her for the first few paragraphs. She talked about a hatchling emerging out of an egg.

I asked what was newly emerging in her life. She spoke of wanting to change things at her school. And
how she had helped a friend write a report that got the friend a job - she was also pleased.

So I suggested that it seemed like creativity and playfulness might be something that was emerging for
her - she agreed.

I asked how she could bring them to her work situation. She drew a blank. So I invited her to join in a
little game, where I would make some suggestions about creatively changing things at work, and then

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she would come up with some. This went on for a little while. Then she said that she had tried that once,
but both the teachers and students had been very critical because she had strayed from the list of things
that were supposed to be covered.

This was a clear place where she needed support, and I pointed that out to her - she needed a
‘coconspirator’. She said it wasn't really possible. But I pointed out that the consequence of suppressing
her creativity was the stomach upset that occurred at her in laws.
So I invited her to imagine writing a report to her school - what kind of professional recommendations
would she make?

I asked her to come up with one creative exercise for the group each day. She was reluctant, but would
consider it.

At one point she had noticed my colourful socks, and compared them to her colourful socks. So I
suggested to the group we could have a game of ‘Footsies’. This was a lot of fun, and demonstrated for
her how creativity could be applied in a learning situation. I also created a lead for her, using my own
position to incorporate fun, and an outside-the-box intervention.

In this work, the first figure was heaviness and upsetness. The next figure was creativity. The Gestalt
approach is to find a way to bring more aliveness to people’s lives; this is done phenomenologically -
from the inside out - from their reality, and using the markers and language they provide. We also focus
on support - in this case, she did not have the support she needed to bring this part of her to the
workplace. By using her early strength - writing - I could engage her dreaming, and then support the
emerging self. We work with the obvious in Gestalt - the hatchling is straightforward and requires no
particular interpretation - what is important is its application to the specific issue being raised. The final
support I gave was a permission-giving approach, which I demonstrated by taking something she noticed
- the socks - and using my authority as an example of how creativity could be used in the classroom.

Gestalt Blog #80 - The unknown seriousness

I notice Manuel put his hand on his chest. He said he felt nervous. So I left it - people are often nervous
for a part of a session. I noticed his pants, the varied grey colours on them, and remarked on this - was
he a ‘black and white’ person, or a ‘shades of grey’ person?

However, something else was going on for Manuel. He looked sad, and not at all interested in my
questions. As we explored his sadness, it became stronger and deeper. He seemed quite silent and
withdrawn in that place.

It is important when making an exploration, or moving into a Gestalt experiment, that we pay careful
attention to a person’s energy, and if they are not there, then to instantly be willing to shift direction, to
where their energy is residing.

Manuel talked about being a naughty and rambunctious child up to High School, and then being a top
student after that. He found the spotlight a little difficult, both the expectations, and the jealousy from
other kids. So this was still something hard for him, to be seen by others in this way.

I remarked he didn't seem naughty or cheeky now - very serious. It is important to connect up the story
that the person is sharing with here and now phenomena - we say, connect the Field with Awareness.

I asked what happened before High School to result in this change, but he couldn't say. However he
looked very pained. So I asked how old he felt right then. He reported 4 years old. I asked what
happened at that time. He related that he was sent to a boarding kindergarten, but he had no specific
memories.

We sat there for some time. He looked very internal, very serious, very distressed. I asked him his
experience. He said he pulled into himself when he felt this kind of deep sadness - it was hard to share.

This indicated exposure, so I told him that I was present, solid, available, supportive, and interested in
his feelings. I felt open and warm towards him.

We sat there for some time more. Nothing seemed to change. As I looked, he appeared to be in some 27

kind of emotional shock. I mentioned this to him. He could not locate an incident. But it was clear to me
that ‘something’ happened, around that age, that had a very damaging effect on him.

It is important not to ‘push the river’. When things don't flow, we just sit with the ‘what is’, knowing that
what emerges is enough, and if more needs to emerge, it will.

The moments that he livened up was when he spoke of his daughter, and how he would never let her be
forced to do something she didn't want to do.

This was clear then - he had been forced to do something: I reflected this back to him.

As I sat with him, what I could see most clearly was his seriousness. I said, ‘I take your feeling very
seriously right now’. This had a big impact on him. Clearly, his distress had been passed over, and he had
learned to manage it internally. He had done this for his whole life, and now he encountered someone
who saw him in this place, saw his distress and took it seriously.

This was enough. The issue was not ‘solved’, we didn't locate the incident or incidents. But in Gestalt we
are after a quality of contact, with full awareness: that is in itself transformative.

Gestalt Blog #81 - The three wishes

Navin mentioned that he ran creative classes with his wife as a hobby. I was interested in what kind of
woman she was - strong and powerful he said. I talked about my experience with my wife, also strong
and powerful.

We discussed how this was for us - setting the ground for connection. He spoke about his son, a
teenager, and his connection with him, which was solid. The way I explored these topics was from a
place of mutuality - sharing my own experience as well. With each question I asked him, I also gave my
own answer.

Navin spoke about how he tended to be somewhat passive in relationship, going along with his wife and
what she wanted, for the most part. For instance, going to the restaurant she wanted. However, there
was one occasion when he chose somewhere different, because he was bored with the same place. It
surprised him that she went along with this.
So this indicated to me that the relationship was to some degree predicated on his easy going
adjustment. I also shared my ground regarding my own style around this.

I suggested an experiment. He had three wishes, and on the third wish he had to ask for 3 more. Then I
asked him to imagine a day, from the start, and to name what he would ask for, directly, from his wife.

We went through the day step by step..it was hard for him to identify some of the things he would
want…so I gave various suggestions to help him think about it. He slowly identified different points at
which he would ask for something, right through to end of the day.

This was a simple but profoundly important experiment. In Gestalt we are always interested in
enhancing authenticity, and using it to support the quality of contact in relationship.

In this thought experiment, Navin had a chance to try out being more assertive, and speaking up more
for who he is and what he wants. People can ride along comfortably in relationship, but we are
interested in bringing more depth. This comes through the process of ‘showing up’, with what we feel,
what we want, and who we are. This allows us to be more known and seen, and increases intimacy.

In terms of gender, women appear to like ‘being in charge’, or getting their wishes seen, heard and
responded to, but theres a balance - as they also like for a man to take the lead in the right way. In this
experiment we created a safe way for Navin to try out this kind of declaring his interests up front.

Such experiments always involve some risk, even if they are just thought experiments. They represent a
new way of being, and uncovering and voicing aspects of self which have tended to be background.
There is generally emotion which is associated with this process - either repressed resentment or
excitement, and perhaps both. Its important in any experiment to not just follow the content, but also
to keep checking for the emotional tone.

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Gestalt Blog #82 - Pleasure leads to letting go of pain

Samantha was a successful businesswoman. But she just couldn’t seem to find a partner. She described
one of the difficulties - either she worked hard on her businesses, or she worked on trying to find a
partner.

She seemed distressed about this, and reported being very unhappy. Her attempts to meet men just
weren't working out.

The more we talked about this, the more I could see her intense unhappiness. She looked quite
miserable. I asked about this. She described a general state of unsettledness, but pinned it to not finding
a partner.

A person may have a clear figure of interest - their ‘issue’. But this is not always what we work with in
Gestalt. We are always more interested in process, in the HOW, rather than the WHAT. In this case, it
was her tone, her mood, that I picked up on. Its important to listen to the issue, but not get distracted
by it either! Emotional state always comes first, and the content second.

So I invited her to do an experiment. I asked her to look around the room and tell me her favourite
colour - green. It was a painting with a green tree.

I asked her to look at it, and put her hand on her belly, and breathe in the pleasure of looking at that
colour. She variously started crying, closing her eyes. But in a strong voice I asked her to stay present, to
look, breathe, and let some of the pleasure in.

In Gestalt we attend to the experience of ‘now’ - this is part of the grounding work, as well as the
direction towards discovering aliveness, which in a sense, is the goal of Gestalt.

Next I asked her to choose an object in the room. So she chose a green candle.

I asked her to do the same thing. She started pulling into herself, and again, I asked her to be present.
She did so, but then she said a phrase ‘the living dead’. I asked her what she meant.

She explained that she felt guilty, that she had an abortion, and had never got over it.

So, this made apparent the unfinished business, which needs to be dealt with before a person can
become truly present in their life.

So I created a ritual for her - lighting the candle, and I gave her a long sentence to say to the unborn
child, acknowledging it, and then letting go; then blowing out the candle.

As she did this, she became steadier.

I suggested she do this ritual every day until the candle burned down.

Again, I asked her to look at the green candle, with her hand on her belly, and breathe in some pleasure,
She was more able to do so now.

This was important to help her stay in present time, as people when they have a tendency to
depression, can easily sink into it, drowning in the familiarity of their misery.

One antidote is pleasure, and being able to take it in. This can strengthen, so the person can then ‘get on
with their life’, whatever the content of that is.

Gestalt Blog #83 - - My feelings or your feelings?

Martha described her difficulty getting in touch with her feelings. She was a counsellor, but mostly was
in her head.

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Firstly I focused on the here and how between us. What was it like for her to sit with me, what did she
feel in our contact. With each question I asked Martha, I also shared my own feelings.
Next I asked her to look around the room, at each person, and notice her feeling reaction, and how it
was different.

Finally, I invited her to look at me, and I allowed her to see some of my own internal world - I moved
into ‘client mode’ for a minute or so, stepping out of my ‘giving/in charge/professional’ mode. It didn't
take her long to notice - she said ‘oh you are sad’. I pointed out that what was important was what she
was feeling -her sadness in response. She could then check out with me and ask me my experience. She
was right in this case, but its important not to assume. People have the mistaken notion that they can
‘feel someone else’s feelings’. In Gestalt we disagree - you always feel your own feelings - but the
boundary is important. You can only guess at another’s feelings, and enquire to confirm. Assuming one
‘knows’ is disrespectful, and unhelpful.

In more classical terms we use the word ‘projection’ to describe what is happening. You simply cannot
feel another person’s feelings - they belong in their body, and you are not in their body. Your own
feelings may be in resonance, but they belong to you. Projection in this sense describes your ability to
IMAGINE the other person’s feelings, using your own as a guide. This helps us orient in the world, relate
to others, and find ourselves (potentially) in parallel with them. But its only when you check such things
out that you confirm whether your projections are accurate or not.

Hence the precision of language is considered important in Gestalt, as it allows us to have these
conversations, to enquire, to dialogue, to test our perceptions. This equips us with a language of
communication about emotions that is clear and contactful, rather than being fuzzy and assumptive.

Gestalt Blog #84 - Letting in nourishment

I told Annabelle that I appreciated the way she brought herself to life, and to relationships. This was a
place of mutuality, a place we shared values. So I also talked about myself, including the places I found a
discrepancy between my values of authenticity and being of service, and then my own needs and
limitations.

Annabelle spoke of how she could give to others in her role, but it was harder for her to take in. She
then shared that she derived little pleasure from food, and had to force herself to eat.

Although this represented a very large set of issues, related to the field (food is very much related to
family and relationship growing up), I wanted to keep a focus on the therapeutic relationship.

So I suggested an experiment where I do something nourishing for her, and she practice taking it in.

So we held hands. I slowly stroked her hands with my fingers. She started to do this back, but I stopped
her - this was her tendency to give rather than receive. The direction I gave her was see if she could take
in some nourishment and pleasure.

As I did this, she reported not being able to take in much - her arms were stiff. She also bit her lip, and
was aware of doing a number of things to block taking in some nourishment from me.
So, holding her hands, I slowly lifted her arms up and moved them around. I asked her to let go of
control, relax, and let me do this. She found it very hard, holding on stiffly, and trying to follow my
movements, rather than let me direct her.

We did this for some time. She was able to let go a little bit, and as she did, she could allow a bit more
nourishment in. But it was hard for her.

I gave her the homework to find someone else to practice this with.

In terms of ongoing work, there would also be a number of ways I would take this forward - exploring
her resistance to letting go of control, as well as her unwillingness to take in nourishment. We would
address whatever family issues were related to this, including the place of food in her household.

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Anytime we hit ‘resistance’ in Gestalt we do not push through it - instead we respect it. We look for the
context - the original situation which engendered the ‘creative adjustment’. We look to appreciate this
creative adjustment, to understand it, and to treat it positively. In this way, I could find out how how
important it was for her to stay in control, what was at stake for handing over some control, and
trusting. Its like to become clear that trusting, letting go, was not a good idea in her original/family
context. So any new experience with me would need to be taken very slowly, appreciating just how risky
it is. Its better to work very slowly, in a way which can be integrated - so the experiments would need to
keep this in mind.

We could also experiment with having some food in the session - for instance slices of apple. And do an
awareness experiment to do with eating it, noticing the detail of the experience. Rather than ‘talking
about’ behaviours, we are always looking to explore them in the session itself, with awareness and
support.

Gestalt Blog #85 - Shedding Shoulds

Brigitte brought forward a conflict she had with her husband of 18 years. She wanted her parents to live
with them, and he didn't.

So I invited her into the classic Gestalt dialogue, using two pillows, one for her, and one for her husband.

In the course of the ‘conversation’ she made two statements. The first was feeling guilty about their
being in a happy family situation, but not having the parents there. The second was that they should be
considering her parents needs.

I picked the guilt - as it generally disguises a ‘should’. Sure enough, the should was, ‘I should not be
happier than my parents’.

So I asked her to put the should on the pillow, and then a conversation ensued. The should lecturing her
about being good to her parents. Her reply was an angry one - don't tell me how to live.
I asked her to move back and forth in the conversation. At one point, she sort of collapsed - said ‘ok’ to
the should. But this was not a real capitulation, so we identified that, and I encouraged her to keep
going.

Then she got a flash - when she was 5 and her mother was feeding her, her mother told her, one day
you will look after me when you are older.

So I asked her to talk to that statement of her mother’s, but from her position now, as a 43 year old
woman. She said - I am your daughter, not your mother. Its not that I need to look after you, thats not
quite right.

She was very clear on this. Something settled in her, what we call ‘integration’ - where insight + an
embodied experience and a shift in energy all come together.

This clarified the ‘should’ in a way which led to what we call ‘digestion’, that is, taking whats nourishing,
and leaving the rest.

Shoulds are indigestible beliefs we carry with us from society or parents. They may have truth and value
in them, but they need to be processed to find what fits for each person. Otherwise, they continue to
rule - consciously or unconsciously, in a tyrannical way. No longer do we hear the messages externally -
we have internalised - introjected - them.

So in Gestalt we reexamine them, to bring them up to date.

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86 Why so fat?

Laila was fat. On the scale of obesity, she was somewhere in the middle. As is often the case, this was
not something that she brought directly to therapy. It was something I observed, after getting to know
her for some time.

The subject of weight is a very complex and difficult one for women, and in therapy it should not be
avoided. But it has to be treated with sensitivity and care, and not with a heavy hand.

Laila was interested to work on the subject.

I asked at what point had she started putting on weight. She said in college she was hungry for some
time, as she didn't have much money. So when she did eat, she would eat a lot. But that levelled out
after some time.

So I pressed again, and she said, after she had her daughter she put on weight, because she had to eat a
good quantity during breastfeeding. However, her daughter was now 10, and she still carried the weight.

She said she ate when anxious, and she was anxious about something bad happening to her daughter.

She also said she liked to have something in her mouth a lot of the time, to snack on.
This provided a number of possible entry points, but the only thing that seemed really clear was her
anxiety. However, this was quite generalised, and so it was not precisely evident just how this worked.

I asked what kind of foods she ate, in what quantity, and how much exercise she did. These are all very
grounded aspects of the issue. It seemed from what she said that she did not eat huge quantities, so
again, it was not completely clear what was going on.

I started at this very practical level, and told her that to make a difference, she needed practical support
on those three fronts - the quality of her food, the quantity of it, and the balance with exercise.

I emphasised that support was the key, not trying to address all of that on her own.

I asked about nourishment - how much emotional nourishment she got from a variety of areas of her life
- work, friends, family, activities. It seemed she had quite a lot of nourishment, so the eating was not in
response to a lack.

Still, the underlying dynamic was not evident. I asked about the anxiety: her father had some kind of
fear of something happening to her, and somehow she had taken on that fear in relation to her own
daughter.

This emerged from the Field, and so needed to be dealt with on a field level. However, before we could
start on that, she suddenly said - oh, thats right, my mother used to overfeed me as a young child.

She explained that her mother would shove food into her mouth, and then before she had even eaten it
all, would shove more in. This was a regular occurrence, and was very uncomfortable for her.

She burst into tears relating this, I empathised with her and asked her what she was feeling. Anger, she
replied.

So I invited her to imagine telling her mother, using her adult voice, what the infant would have liked to
have said - 'I have had enough, please stop shoving the food in my mouth'.

She found it hard to say this with force. So I suggested she put up her hand in front of her mouth, to
block anything else coming in. This felt powerful for her.

For homework I suggested that she think of her mother each time she ate, remember the force
feeding, and notice her response.

This conscious association with the traumatic memory would enable her to act out her refusal, rather
than identify with the powerless child.

87 The Good Husband and the True Love

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Chuan had never done therapy before. He was a businessman. His father made things out of wood, and
had an small farm. Chuan had fond memories of his early years, being with his family; his father liked
hunting, so they had big dogs. But during middle school he moved to another place than his father, and
missed him.

In school he had always been a top student, but had never received acknowledgement from his father.

Ten years ago his company had run into problems. His wife and daughter were living in their hometown,
and he was in the city trying to deal with a financial disaster in his company. He started drinking
regularly, and fell into a depression for a year.

At the end of this terrible year of depression he met his father at Spring Festival. His father asked
straight away - 'whats the problem? Are you getting divorced?' Chuan replied ‘just a few problems at
work’. But his father did not believe him, and pressed him.

His father shocked Chuan by saying to him, ‘I trust you. I believe in you.’ He also said, ‘if its not working
in the marriage, its ok to get divorced’.

This had a huge impact; Chuan stopped drinking, and started turning his business around.

However, there was indeed a problem in his marriage, and Chuan did not feel he could really talk to his
father about it.

HIs wife had been his classmate. She got pregnant, and out of duty he married her. She was a kind
person, nice to his family, and a good mother to their daughter. He had reluctantly married, and now
felt ‘kidnapped’. He didn't want to let anyone down, but he was unhappy. I asked how bad it was - 3 out
of 10 he replied. Sex had dried up years ago. And he simply wasn't attracted to her. He felt more like
brother and sister.

This was not a marriage that could be reignited, because there was never much of a spark originally. In
some rare circumstances, it might be possible. But the situation was that he came out in a cold sweat if
he hugged her - there was so little attraction there. He respected her, but only as a companion.

However, his strong family values kept him in the marriage, and his need to be a ‘good boy’.

He also declared that he didn't want to hurt his daughter, he didn't want to lose her, and he didn't want
to hurt his wife.

He was indeed trapped.

I asked him to name the two parts of him in conflict: the ‘Good Husband’, and ‘True Love’.

I invited him to select two objects in the room to represent these polarities, and I then facilitated him to
have a dialogue between the two parts. At first, it was simply a reiteration of the endless argument
between those warring parts.

I pointed out that this argument could go on eternally, but the two parts had to come to an agreement
- which I likened to a business negotiation.
After some discussion, the two parts came to an agreement: *True Love* would give *Good Husband* a
year to sort things out. *Good Husband* agreed to talk with his wife about these matters.

However, I could see Chuan's fear about actually having this talk, as he knew that doing so would indeed
pain his wife, and would probably spell the beginning of the end of their marriage.

At this point Chuan became very uncomfortable, and a bit dizzy. He had to stand up and walk around.
He looked around the room, and said, 'I don't like a room with no windows'. I explained that there was a
window behind the curtain. That relieved him a bit.

I then took some time to tell him about my experience of divorce. He interrupted me at and asked
about the ring around my neck. I explained I got it in England, when visiting my second daughter’s
graduation.

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I told him that although the divorce was difficult, my children had not ultimately been damaged - they
had gone on to do well.. and that I had found true love myself. I told him honestly about the difficulties I
had faced, and that my ex-wife had faced, in the process of divorce.

In playing the ‘father’ role in the therapy, I was reinforcing the message that it was ok to divorce.

I will generally do whatever I can to help a couple stay together and have a healthy relationship. But
sometimes, if this is really anti-life in terms of a constriction of their life-force and ability to live
authentically, then I support someone to consider divorce.

Chuan was very relieved at the end of this. He said that what really caught his attention was two things -
when I said that there was in fact a window in the room, and when he had asked about my ring.

It is in these interpersonal and symbolic moments that touched him. Triggered by his question about my
ring, hearing about my own experience of divorce helped him out of his fear and stuckness - this was a
dialogical part of the therapy, which involved my own self revelation, about my own story. A therapist
has to be very careful about telling their own story, but on occasion, that can be very helpful for the
client - thats the measure.

The symbology of the window being open was also very important to him. He felt suffocated, and I
introduced the possibility that there was a way out, even if hidden. This is something we could work on
in subsequent therapy.

The facilitated dialogue between the two parts of him was also key - two warring elements that could
never meet. The therapy gives the opportunity for them to come into contact, but this requires a lot of
support from the therapist to facilitate this meeting, much like a real meeting between two warring
people.

The significance of his father in all this was also a part of the complexity of the therapy. The support his
father gave - including the acknowledgement of Chuan - was important in his change. So this signalled
the importance of the role I could play as a 'father figure', and the impact I could have in the support I
gave him.

88 Strong symptoms, little information

John had attended a variety of personal growth groups. He had been wanting to come to a Gestalt
group. So he was clearly keen to be here. He came up to work. I had been noticing him over several
days, and now as he sat in front of me what struck me very strongly was his facial expressions. To look at
him, I would think he was not simply nervous, but really distressed. He blinked rapidly, his mouth would
twitch, his eyes narrowed as he talked. His eyes looked very frightened to me. My impression was of
someone who was anticipating being hit.

I felt genuine concern for him, gave him a feedback about my experience, and asked what a he was
feeling.

To my surprise he reported feelings only a little nervousness about coming up, but nothing further.

So I asked if he had had some kind of childhood experience of being hit.

No.

I asked if he had particularly frightened things happen to him.

None.

I asked if there was any incident he could recall that had really distressed him.

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None.

He reportedly being an extremely shy kid. This made some kind of sense, that perhaps what I was seeing
was simply a kind of difficulty with contact.

Usually I will readily accept someone's description of their experience. But in this case I felt very strange
because what I saw was very distinctive. Others in the group confirmed they had a similar experience.
Something did not add up. But I was not going to press. In Gestalt we do not push through 'resistance'.

Nothing further came clear in our conversation so I decided to work somatically.

I asked him to lie on his back and I sat next to him.

I asked him to simply follow his breath.

His breathing seemed fairly regular and open. I was looking for interruption or places of tension. None
were apparent. I asked his experience. He simply felt the air coming in and out. Clearly, he was not easily
in touch with his feelings. So I took a lot of time, simply sitting with him, observing, enquiring.

He did report an empty feeling in his belly. So I asked his permission, and placed my hand there. Nothing
further developed. Clearly his feelings were carefully held, and I had to be patient to find the key.

I noticed that his eyes were very active, even thought they were closed. So I asked to put my hand on
his eyes, and held them there for a while. Then he reported a cold feeling in his lower belly. I put my
hand there.

I asked him to look at me. He did so, then looked up for a while. I asked him what he was picturing. He
saw darkness, cold, and a very dim streetlight.

Now we had the image I could work with it. I asked him to keep looking at me, and tell me his feeling. He
started to feel warmth in his chest, so I put my hand there as well.

I told him that it seemed the street light was getting brighter, and asked him to let the warmth move
down from his chest to his lower belly. As this developed I explained linked the streetlight getting
brighter to our connection getting stronger and his connection to his body warming up. I asked him to
continue letting the warmth down into his legs, to his feet. This happened very slowly but not quite as
far as the feet. So I asked someone else to hold his feet,

Finally he felt the warmth through his whole body.

As he sat up, his eyes looked completely different. They were steady, clear, both the same size, and I
told him this difference in my experience of him.

I asked him to look at a few other people to have that experience of connection both with himself, and
with them. He energy was bright and warm and he reported experiencing connection with others in a
new way.

We don't need to know what symptoms are about to work with the person. We don't have to have the
story or the context. Sometimes it is simply not available. But if we work with the direct experience of
the body, from that grounded place, something will always emerge that is the most important 'figure'
needing attention.

Again, we don't even really need to understand the figure - just work with it, supporting the
development of whatever is coming forward. When working with the body, that can be a slow process
that requires patience.

In the end, we want to connect such experiences back into relationship. These are the core elements of
Gestalt - awareness, and contact.
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89 Opening up a very private realm

I could tell Lizzie was a bit tense, but didn't know what that was about. She seemed on edge, I imagined
maybe angry.

She talked about arguing with her father as a teenager about the topic at hand - spirituality. From both
parents she experience a lack of support for her interest. Her mother undermined her, her father
opposed and ridiculed her desire to understand more.

Whilst those who grow up in religious contexts may have problems because beliefs are stuffed down
their throats, others such as Lizzie may find that atheist parents may oppose an interest in religion or
spirituality on the part of their children.

Lizzie was now in her 30’s but still felt affected by this. Her search continued in her life, but it was not
something she generally spoke about to others, keeping it very private. This was understandable, given
the experience she had growing up. But it also isolated her, and meant she did not get support or
dialogue about the topic.

I could understand better now her prickliness when I started discussing the topic with her – she was
expecting negativity and opposition rather than support. This was understandable.

So the first thing I did was to make my support explicit. This was a topic I was interested in, positive to,
and willing to open up with her. I talked about my own energy for the subject, and my interest in
dialogue.

I also pointed out the nature of the environment we were in – a group of people who were also
interested in the topic, and who were open to dialogue. I stated my intent to make sure that there were
no putdowns when opinions were expressed.

This was important in terms of setting the ground of safety to raise the topic with Lizzie, and make it
clear to her that these circumstances were different than those she was used to.

I was very aware of the risk for her to talk about this. She reported she felt relieved, but still tense. My
words were all very well, but she had no experience of such support.

So I proposed an experiment – inviting her to state some of her beliefs, and I would explore them with
her.

So she chose one – her belief that people were not born bad, but rather got lost, or were unaware. I
shared that I resonated with this belief – a measure of support, and also signalling to her that I was open
and listening. Making this explicit was very important. I asked her some questions to draw out more
detail, and she was clearly enjoying sharing her perspective, and being heard.
I linked her ideas with those of some other writers – for instance Mathew Fox (Original Blessing), to
indicate to her that there were others in the field who shared these perspectives, and to whom she
might turn for support and to deepen her own ideas.

I then asked her if she would be willing to hear some counter views that might be out there in relation
to this belief. She agreed. This was the next step – to support her to stand her ground in the face of
opposition.

So I gave one perspective – that of existential responsibility – for the consequences of our actions, no
matter our intention, level of awareness, or state of mind.

I gently stretched her thinking, providing challenging perspectives, and then engaging her in dialogue
regarding her responses. This was a rich conversation, and I moved very carefully, so she could
experience conversation across difference, without it being angry or oppositional.

This helped her to consider other perspectives, and provided her with an experience of successfully
encountering difference. She now had some ground to be able to extend the dialogue with others.

In Gestalt we are always looking for the right balance of challenge and support, and in providing the
client with a new and transformative experience through the experiment – working at the edge of their
comfort so there is growth, but at a pace which is assimilable.

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90 When the client is more aware than the therapist

Martin had an acute sense of fairness. The context was that his parents asked a great deal of him, but
offered him only criticism.

This set the tone for our interaction. If I did anything in the therapy without being aware of it, whereby it
was in some way for my own benefit, he would immediately notice it and remark on it.

I was always happy to examine his criticisms and concerns. I would acknowledge the validity of them,
recognise where it was I was not aware of my own self interest, and talk about that explicitly.

In Gestalt, as a dialogical therapy, it is essential to be willing to own places where I might go out of
awareness. This happens to therapists as well. Most clients will not notice, but some are very attuned to
this. This is actually very positive for the therapy.

But it means as a therapist I must be willing to be non-defensive, to look for the grain of truth in the
clients concerns, fears and accusations. This not only defuses the situation, it provides a reparative
healing experience for the client. And as therapist, I also learn something about where I go out of
awareness - I am confronted. Its also an opportunity for me to recognise my own self interest, and
where and how I may hide that in the guise of 'helping'.
Small things are of note here - my tone of voice, how fast I speak, what I choose to focus on. With clients
like Martin its necessary to be as aware of my dynamic as his.

Its easy as therapist to focus on the client, what they are doing, their process. But harder to focus on
ours. And even harder when the client is aware of my process, but I am not. Theres potential to feel
shame there for me, but I move beyond this by adopting a welcoming attitude towards all feedback and
criticism, and always am ready to look for the truth in it, and admit it.

91 Talking with God, twice

Joanne had a very deep and significant spiritual experience as a teenager. It was ecstatic, and stemmed
from an interest she had had in spirituality from childhood.

Her parents were religious. But they did not handle it well. Her mother was afraid - probably that she
might be going crazy.

Joanne went to their priest, but he told her that she would need to be on medication her whole life, and
that there was something wrong with her - confirming the message that she was crazy.

Even a close aunt, who originally had encouraged her interest in spirituality, had nothing to say.

Her reaction at the time had been to throw herself into her external life, into the world, and distance
from anything spiritual. This however had felt very empty to her.

So I suggested to put 'God on the chair', and have a direct conversation.

She said actually, there should be two chairs - one for her first encounter with God ('like a first
boyfriend') and one for her current relationship with God.

So we did that. It went just like a conversation might go to a lover that you have unfinished business
with! I did lots of checking in with her - how she felt, as she was engaging in these conversations. It was
very sensitive territory, and she had not really processed those feelings of 'betrayal' by God.

This was also a very sensitive topic, as her previous experience of talking about it had been to be 'made
crazy'. So I made sure that I gave her my personal support, encouragement, and declared my positive
judgements. I also made sure she got feedback from the group, so she knew where they stood, and that

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there was support. Its not enough to assume this, and its essential to have such feedback in the place
where there might be shame.

This is an example of how Gestalt process can be applied to traumas related to the spiritual area. And
how the relationship with God is, in a certain way, like other relationships, and can therefore be
amendable to the therapeutic processes we use with other relationships.

92 The blissfulness of nothing

Zac talked about feeling depersonalised. As a kid he thought his mother was going to die (though she
didn't). He did talk about his grandmother dying. He prayed to God as a child...but she still died. As a
result, he because distrustful of religion - it seemed to him that God would do the opposite of what he
asked for. For some reason, a bible story that he learnt had stayed with him - of someone who had
prayed, and the the devil had come to tempt him.

So he associated fear with prayer. He said that he believed in science, but not in God. He considered
himself a nihilist.

His association with religion, and spirituality, was a belief system which did not appeal to him, and a
practice (prayer) which seemed pointless.

I pointed out that spirituality has three main elements: it can provide inspiration and direction, it can
help people find a place for the transcendent in their lives, and it can provide practices which bring
expansion and joy.

None of these constituted his experience of religion.

So I pointed out that there were spiritual forms such as Zen which did not require a belief system,
including a belief in a God.

The depersonalisation component clearly had a psychological dimension. So I asked Zac to pay attention
to his body. He reported 'nothing'. I asked him to 'be the nothing'. We always go with the resistance in
Gestalt, and move to embrace whatever the experience is.

I asked 'nothing' to talk to Zac. 'Nothing' told Zac that there was no point to life, he might as well stop
hoping. Life was just about the mundane experience, and then you die.

This certainly sounded like the nihilistic philosophy which Zac claimed to have.

I asked Zac how he felt. 'Empty'.

So again, we stayed with the emptiness, for some time; I asked him to stay in touch with his breath, and
I just remained there with him, in silence.

This is what we call the 'creative void'. Its not something to be feared or talked through, but to sit with,
and allow something to emerge in its own time.

Sure enough, after quite some time, Zac reported feeling warmth in his body. As he breathed into this, a
sense of joy started pervading his experience. It was a nameless joy, not linked to anything in particular.
As he stayed with it, it became quite intense; he breathed heavily and deeply. This lasted for some time.

There was no name to the experience. It was simply an experience of his own being. His nihilism was not
just a distancing from faith in something greater, it was also a cut off from his own existence. As he
allowed this experience of self embrace, a deeper sense of meaning emerged. This is the existential
approach to finding meaning - allowing experience to bring meaning, rather than trying to overlay it
through explanation or projection.

93 Depression is in the relationship

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Terry was at a loss. He had been in a relationship with Dianne for several years. They clearly loved each
other. They were both interested in the inner life, and had a strong bond.

But Dianne was depressed. She variously took medication. She had tried to do some therapy, but it
hadn't helped much. She had a demanding career, which kept her busy, and stressed.

Somehow, they fought a lot when together (she travelled quite a lot, and they didn't live together). They
would always work things out, but it was quite exhausting. Dianne was extremely critical, whereas Terry
was easy going.

Dianne would occasionally break off the relationship, but then after some time, would make contact
again, saying she missed Terry.

Terry had been quite patient, had tried hard to make it work, but was at his wits end. He found it
stressful rather than nourishing, and it seemed that the two of them just couldn't find a way to be
together that was healthy for them.

I explained to Terry that in fact, it was just that Dianne was depressed. The depression was 'in the
relationship', and in that sense, he was also depressed by what was happening. He might not have her
black and white thinking (that tends to accompany depression), but from a systemic point of view, he
was somehow caught up in a depressive field.

What was his role? To be helpful, to make suggestions, to try to find solutions, to try to talk about things
rationally. This all seems harmless, and what else can one do? But in systemic terms, both people
cocreate their field. What is obvious is how Dianne contributes. What is not obvious is how Terry
contributes.

His helpfulness, or patience for instance, become part of the problem.

So the solution is for him to find ways to step out of the co-created system - by finding his limits, stating
them non-reactively, being proactive in declining invitations to rescue, and to stop being so helpful.

This is a big ask, but it empower him, as instead of being dependant on Dianne to change - which is not
happening- he can work on himself.

We talked about how when he could adopt a sense of humour, the dynamic changed completely. We
explored how he needed to support himself, to find ways to find his own centre and happiness, in order
not to get drawn down into negativity. We practiced ways he could step back from being so helpful, and
be more boundaried instead - recognising his own needs, and drawing limits about what he was capable
of handling.

Terry felt much stronger, clearer, and could see what he could work on. Whatever happened with the
relationship, this would be useful learning for him.

94 To be known, to know oneself

Louisa had been involved in personal growth work for over 10 years. She had not done a full
professional training, but she had attended a lot of workshops, done her own study, and was committed
to her own growth.

She was recognised by her friends as a very strong woman.

As I came to know her, I also agreed - I could see a deep strength in her.

Of course, she knew this about herself as well, although she was also focused on what she needed to
learn, her weak areas, and the places she was not as successful as she would like.

I suggested to her - why not teach others how to find the strength you have.

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Louisa firstly through she was not externally successful enough - she didn't make a lot of money from
what she was doing.

I pointed out that it was her inner success that mattered - no matter what happened to her, she did not
allow herself to be daunted, to give up. She carried that inner strength with her, and just because she
hadn't turned it to making a lot of money, didn't mean so much except in very superficial terms.

She then said she didn't know how to teach others what she knew - it was just natural to her.

I then took her through an awareness process, stepping back from herself, and observing what she did in
a number of circumstances to access her strength. She talked about her self talk, her attitude, and I also
asked about what she did on a somatic level.

I pointed out that this kind of self reflection was the basis on then being able to teach others what she
knew.

The Gestalt principles here are firstly feedback - giving the client something of my experience of them.
That could be 'positive' or 'negative', but thats somewhat irrelevant. The point is that its about how I
experience, them, and the impact that has on me.

That kind of feedback is very valuable for someone - to be really seen. Its confirming, its acknowledging,
and it provides some solid ground for therapeutic conversation. It also helps people identify their unique
style in the world - which is really what they have to offer in relationship, and by extension, in their
work.
Secondly, I helped her go through an awareness process to deconstruct her internal workings. This is
very useful in many circumstances - its a question of 'how' we each do what we do. By opening this up,
then more choice becomes available - in this case, to then be able to teach it.

Thirdly, as therapists, we can do our own awareness deconstruction process, allowing us to describe to
clients what we know and understand. This is the necessity for our own self reflection, and getting
quality feedback ourselves.

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