Established but a month before the First Dark Age of Riotous Destruction descended on Oakland

February

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 14
04
2011
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Vandalism on Pittsburgh pyromania to blaze after Superbowl
rise in Oakland By: Emily Croushore
Staff Writer
Students, angry about this
custom-breaking decision,
I mean, if anyone is REAL-
LY missing out or “losing” in
By: Kelly Henke have voiced their opinions this situation, it is the stu-
Staff Writer As tradition goes, if the through their recent actions. dents. They are the ones who
Steelers win the Super bowl, Just this past weekend, stu- will suffer most from the
Police are hoping to get help
Pittsburghers tend to get a dents in Ruskin hall who were couch throwing the most be-
from the public in finding the
little crazy (a major under- the first to hear about the cause what will they have to
person responsible for a string of
statement). “lock-down,” decided to take sit on afterward? Perhaps
home vandalisms occurring late
In reality, there will be action into their own hands. this is finally the time for the
Saturday night. Nearly 20
couches, chairs and anything Sophomore Kelsey C. from university to buy newer
homes in the Oakland reported
flammable illuminating the Ruskin hall said, “I think it is (cuter) furniture for the dor-
property crime and another doz-
streets of Oakland, Pittsburgh ridiculous that students are mitories.
en reported incidents of theft
as a final “victory dance.” being banned from throwing
and criminal damage.
However, having caught furniture outside. It has been
One report describes a home-
wind of this potential fiasco, a Pitt tradition for years, and
owner waking up to at least an
all on-campus housing build- even though I am not the big-
entire 8.5 once bag of potato
ings have begun chaining uni- gest Steeler‟s fan, I was really
chips crushed into her home‟s
versity furniture to the floors. looking forward to setting my
hallway carpeting and couch
Well, at least nothing will be couch on fire and throwing it
cushions. Another victim woke
askew or unorganized (though out onto the parking lot.”
up to find the phrase “tequila
dust bunnies may be harder to Pyromaniacs, you ask? No,
never again” and a Fu Manchu
get to). never! It is just some harm-
moustache drawn on her face in
less Pittsburgh fun.
blue washable marker. Some
related cases include a report of a
theft of a two liter of Mellow
Yellow, a report of destruction
to a pyramid 42 aluminum cans
tall, two reports of rooms and
furniture covered in toilet paper,
six reports of vomit found in
closets and a report of a micro-
wave oven dropped off a six sto-
ry fire escape.
The majority of the incidents
took place around 3 and 4am
while a number of people were
present; however few have a
clear recollection. Investigators
attribute the memory loss to the
presence of low quality alcoholic
beverages and a collective pre-
rogative to spend the next day
vomiting. Witnesses describe the
suspect as either a heavyset male
in his early twenties; a tall,
blonde female named “Patricia;”
a prematurely balding Canadian,
or Robert Redford. Police have Caitlin Kempf/Staff Photographer
made no arrests at this time. The
Pittsburgh Zoo employees realized some long lost relations with their prized lion; the arguably mane at-
investigation is ongoing. traction of the park is beside himself with pride, and is to be renamed „Ziggy‟ in honor of his lineage.
 Letter from the Editor
Hey guys, it‟s that time of year again. The time in which our choice religion, the chosen acolytes known as the Steelers, make their pilgrimage to a far
off state and prove to the world that God loves them. And we need to prove that we love them. What better way of doing that than destroying the city
they represent?
But remember, destroying Oakland is only fun until someone gets hurt. That‟s why the University is organizing a viewering of the Superbowl, right
outside the Cathedral. It‟s a way to organize the chaos, and in doing so, make it the most chaotic chaos this side of ...everything. Just think of the pos-
sibilities. Rather than having to individually tear apart that bus stand that we all hate, we can work together, and, like a horde of ants, push up
against the Cathedral so hard that it falls over.
So please, coordinate your destruction beforehand. Examine blueprints and schematics for whatever building you plan to tear apart. Organize your
party, assigning roles (example: make your fat friend be the tank; train him to agro the police so that your more intelligent but weaker members don‟t
get hurt), and equp those epic bricks you got from the G20 raid.
Let‟s make this a riot that Pittsburgh can never forget...because it will be dust by Monday.
—Jake Swanson, Editor-in-Chief

Roger Goodell, Mike Tomlin to

duel; 5 paces at sundown

The Pittiful News

Pitt‟s Official Satirical Newspaper
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We‟re not pitiful, the news is.