The Eleusinian mysteries may have included mystic visions.

There are various

artificial means of inducing these, including fasting, an overflow of intense
information, and potions. Part of the Eleusinian ritual may have involved the
use of an entheogen or plant alkaloid in a drink called kykeon. In the Iliad and
Odyssey the base of the kykeon was "barley-meal, grated cheese, honey" and a
strong red wine. Its consistency was like a thick soup. In the Homeric Hymn to
Demeter it contained no wine and was a porridge of barley, water, and pennyroyal
mint. Blavatsky refers to the epoptes as one who has seen by a revelation "by no
human agent, but through the 'receiving of the sacred drink.' In India the
initiated received the 'Soma,' a sacred drink which helped to liberate his soul
from the body; and in the Eleusinian Mysteries it was the sacred drink offered
at the Epopteia" (Isis Unveiled 2:91n).
1

FOR ALL EYES ONLY

Anyone who looks at a map when they really need one "owns" it-at least for that
moment. It all stands for real things.PRIVATE things are not real. The more
conspiracy is shared,the better. The more public the more real;even better,increase
the belief in those things and it goes from clues to confirmation-but who starts the
process? Was it just stories from the road? What is implied from the uncharted
wilderness and what is it doing there? Waiting? Just waiting? Being ready/ For the
right time? I guess something has to happen first for something to happen at all;and
something is always about to happen so that means nothing is never happening-and
why should it be? So the IMAGINARY can surround it all and hence PROOVE it.
Stark perspectives make for humane relief-all the more noticable for it.Scarce bits of
it hanging from the rafters dried and cured like beef-jerky. Visable,all set, for quick
reference...indications of whats to come...could be anything, a mother a whore a
wife a courtisan a harlot or just a little girl maybe even a man or men,many
mens.Am I giving too much away or keeping the best just for me? I don't even begin
to know.Timing is the key..depends on when you hit me. THIS time is different.This
time is mine."Almost" is perfect right now!
The stone wall so crumbled and ruined;old and getting older-new stems poking
sprouting crawling slithering in between and around .What a path! To take
home.There the familiar stable with the unthatching roof slipping down even
further.That boy that stable boy! I hear him.
"I was robbed but more than that tricked by my own foolishness by my own naivete.
I should have got a reciept,no a certificate some kind of verification of
authenticity...at the very least a map of where his business was.But how do you
know if its a valid document? I don't even know where this guy was from..whos his
people? The kind of stamp or seal would be as important as the paper itself and the
terms must be the standard kind. The list of prior dealings some kind of
record that can be checked! If only I was not such a fool to just believe.
"Hi!...I couldn't help but overhear you screaming. I'm Sunni,rom down the
road.What happened?"
2
Somebody sold me their problems without proper credientals because I only look at
a mans character,their hanshake,their fuckin little peephole view of the grid where
after lining up with it -the overlap goes up my ass! Their jive from deep inside the
bowls of that witchcrafted self...THATS what happened!

WOW,, that sucks but you just have to shake this off Arcos its the cost of doing
business! Just put in a general deciet surcharge! Otherwise if it really is close to
collapse then you'll just have to get it all for free and charge them everything they've
got! Or take them as slaves!"

"very funny Sunni how 'bout just make them "partners"?

"Same thing isn't it...I mean when it gets that bad?"

They laughed just like they did when they were little kids

"Thanks for making me laugh Sunni but this is serious,I paid everything I had for
these horses and they'r dying! Just tell me who I should trust and what I should
trust..I don't even trust myself anymore at least my ability to judge. I am as weak as
these animals I bought."

"I know I have the same problem,just how much should I love anyone? Maybe its
just my fault in not doing it right.....maybe you should just rent...rent them by the
second!"

"Yeah, to represent is always to lie,your never gonna show anything but the
generalities the specifics are too particular to match ordinary termenology but the
actual product is just as slippery because it doesn't even exist without subjective
reflection..a diagnosis is just an average of probabilities from devision by itself"

"Arcos you take my breath away...look if all thats true then just dress them up a
little..put some flowers and perfume on 'em...take away that smell...smells like my
father...such a peasant."

"Sunni your just as bad...but it might help...maybe I take it all too much to heart
business is just another ceremony right?"

"I think you individulize history too much."

"Yeah, mabe I do"

3

"A ceremony they say is to draw focus and so merge the map and the terrain with
the proper conduit to melt artificialy frozen time due to the logjam of these two
forms of consciousness which will flood the initiate in a rush of catch-up to where he
should have been already but you must move fast enough to curve back on yourself
before you get too far ahead."

"Whats the conduit?......money?"

"No Kykeon...the pharmekon"

"Thats it Sunni! We should have sealed the deal with a drink!

"Well thats what the preists say Arcos..but I would rather forget all this and just
expierence life directly for myself..remember the old saying,"Spare the lash the
horses go fast enough by themselves."

"You've given me another idea...I'm gonna drop the reins and just follow the horses
and let them sinmply GO HOME by themselves and they will naturally return to the
stables they were last at then I can get my money back!"

"Maybe,.....it might work... they are all females maybe they will seek out their old
mates...maybe they will crave sex!"
clip clop clip clop a small sea of sinuuey haunches rise and fall in front of me as I
heard the equines down the trail. You have to be connected to the temple to make it
today...unless your willing to take them on. The heather eddied in the winds beside
us and made the beasts sneeze. The curve of our path increased as we weaved back
and forth up the hill....they had to have some idea where they were going at least
the more they locked into the landmarks as to where they were. A crow swooped
down and called as if to bekon us onward; he flew by with a frog in his mouth. I am
sure Sunni will become effervesent and full of light with her induction into the
MYSTERIES and yes, she'll no doubt find just the right harem to join even it it turns
out to be her OWN!

The sweaty stable boy laughed at the thought of such an enlightend whore! He was
getting thirsty and hungary but decided to ride a few more miles before stopping for
the night.. I shall be avenged I will be vindictated .

It was hot. Disease was everywhere.I threw away any pretense of a map and
became the HERO blazing my path the FIRST path that lesser men would use as
their own. I followed my beasts at about 6 lengths. The small white creature fell but
quickly righted herself...it was just a slick rock. I was told by a farmer at ta well that
the church owned much of the cattle here thru loans to the peasants and that only
those who prayed incessently would ever profit.
So now the temple may be involved of course why not.I stopped by the vineyRD OF
pEGASUS to pRTke of vittles.The most sick one tried to nab my meat,"Good", I said
to myself he is still struggleing. I gave him a piece then tied on a feedbag of oats,he
chomped along eyeing me all the while as if to plead for help,somehow he knew I
was contemplating slaughter but I need their death if enivitable to be as fresh as
evidence can be...at the least. It may be cruel to push them but it is not MY
wickedness that hurts them it is my effort to thwart wickedness. Their organs are
swollen perhaps they themselves with their animal lusts have caused the sin of their
sickness...maybe we are all sick and only are well when we give up attachment to
such things maybe thats what love is NON-attachment thats what wellness is being
free from sin and all of it! Things are full of contradictions there are many gods not
one and if you don't go along with that and try to pretend there really is one home
just meant for you one other pair of genital that you can have all day long all to
yourself you just suck the life out of it all. The problem is manifold though if you do
go with the multiplicity of life. It leaves you with no particular UNIVERSE to go!
We're lite years away from each other-each on our own auction-bloc that someone
else paid for sold to stud and dillute the gene pool with the purity of the thouahblood
till it become brittle with near incest and the reighns dont even fit the bits with the
same snugness anymore...MANY are ONE and few are infinite few know just what
characturisticz are good to bagin for thesedays what healthy diverse traits can even
be distingushed without cutting their entrails and devine inspection what insight then
would show but stuff from iknbreeding that is separate from the species not a better
breed really just new mutant ones ones that no body else has and are oh so unique
to fetch a good price new ground floors opened every second!Better or worse than
WHAT? WHAT REALITY what species,what universe and who decides? Is
AUTHENTICITY really just AUTHORIZATION. By who? AND HOW...can"t some horses
be sold sickly in some parts of the galaxy? Who do you trust on these issues? Who
do you believe and how? In a world where you see all things as valid it is the act of
seeing that counts. You are your own judge. But then what GOD will Sunni really
take counsel from if she does not first trust her own eyes? What potent will fit her?
Unless even the various universes have a sameness to them somhow? Waht sign
would show this? WHAT MARKS SHOULD ONE HAVE TO BUY OR SELL SO MANY
DIVERSE BEASTS IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WORLDS?
wITH SUCH CONTRADICTIONS AND NO CLEAR SUBJECT THAT CAN BE THE CLEAR
SUBJECT OF ANY PARTICULAR PLACE FEELING OR LUSTS i DECIDED i BETTER hype
THE SITUATION ALONG A LITTLE. i will give the cattle the juuice of the beatle "greek
fly" THAT WILL BOOST THEIR CONFLICTED INSTINTS TO THE POINT THEY CAN
FINALLY choose FROM THEIR EXHAULTED GLORIFIED CHOICES!. i JUST HPED THAT
THEY DIDN'T HAVE HORSE SYPHLISS;THAT COULD BE CATCHING AND EVEN AFFECT
ME WE DON'T WANT TO PUSH THIS THING TOO FAR SURELY THE MAP TO MY GOAL
IS ALL AROUND ME IF i AM IN GOOD FAITH AND SQUEEZING TOO HARD WILL ONLY
MAKE THE TRUTH SPURT OUT TOO HARD! i MUST REMEMBER THAT THE
AUTHENTICITY I seek is not merely "SEEN' and "TAKEN' but judged(or negated)-
even from all the gods various points of view if needs be summerize an averge and
interpet broadly but decisions don't come for free.

!.....
Suni thought her butt looked good today. Her gown clung just right with a gradual flair,she swirled around
abruptly when her mother re-entered the room. "I've decided to go ahead with my initiation but I am not
going ALL-SERIOUS like everyone else I want to still be able to have fun after I'm enlightened!"

"I'm sure you will dear but that doesn't mean you have to know everyone in town. "Boys you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"Many boys one boy its all the same"

"Its not all the same you'll realize that soon"

"But I was told it was the great equalizer!"

"For those inititiated for those who "know" dear"

"Oh I think its all about being GOOD not devine knowledge..one boy is ok two is too many "who thought
up this dumb rule anyway?"

"You'll think differently soon"

"I doubt it. GOOD does not satisfy."

"Suni don't say that...even in jest!"

"why will GOD strike me down!"...Suni chuckles.

"Wait till your father comes home"

"OH, yeah whos your daddy that what it all comes down to...and building that giant castle HOME in the
sky!"

" SUNI, maybe its about time you thought of syphliss! You know you can go mad from it?"

"HA! I am already mad!" So I must marry the first one I go with?"

"No of course not.."

"Well how many can I try then?....before going mad?....she laughs with a roll of her eyes and a dismissive
wave of her hand."You gotta take some chances in life Mom..thats what I don't like about all this precise
knowledge thing as if there is such a thing!"

"Its complex dear but you'll see...you'll see"

Is this way too quick?This puts them “over the top” but with no romance or lures to actually lust
over. No titilating grunts from the steamy stallion.But even if one goes thru the mating ritual of
working up the ladder-you STILL always in the end come in from the top-or at least the last step
just before it!Whats the difference? None.We’ll just skip the horseplay! It can in fact, all be done
from the inside by just tempting them with what they don’t have but need-a place to do it in!They
never wondered about HOME or their URGES in it when they had one but now clearly do as
shown thru their hungery whines. Do they really know how it all comes together or is it then quite
just IN THEIR MINDS?
So there may just be a signal made to spur them on,like:If you lived here you’d
be HOME now! How to impress this on their vaginas?The ozzing beetlejuice
went in eaisily along tight cushions of flenching muscels bringing their physical
and mental ,outer and inner into one intense craving! Their snouts flutter with a
hefty siegh. They kick their heels! Nayyyyy! Nayyyyy!
My arm went in up to my elbow. In truth I guess for a second I liked it as much
as they did!The innocent animal should have no such dreams to tap and yet they
do!I am devoured by their mighty sleeves! I wish mine was as huge as theirs! I
can feel it when riding! The gallop seems to search every crevice of my body
and soul.
But does their disease affect things? May the Gods help us we all want more
than we can get! The sheer GAME of sex unknown to their kind as it is to me a
mere peasant with no verifiable breeding making a need to siphon off the natural
flow to stop the stench of backed-up and fetid fluids and later then needing all the
more priming of the pump again! Is capacity truely unmet or does the percieved
lack only make it seem so? The brighter things look the more one fears the
dark!m
Is this Beetlejuice only the bells and feathers of which Sunni spoke? Just
dreams so hyper so that there will be no hypo...sex...a ghost? Of course that is
the ideal of magik the sacred SYMBOL of the SYMBOLS the original map from
GOD before the FALL OF MAN...better than mortal trickery it will actually
enhance the real with the true...for what is wrong with the insertion of
monumental modeling when it comes to GODS dictum to be fruitful and
MULTIPLY! Of course we must do better..we must all get HOME first...and right
now they are too worried of mere survival I must show them the way with
ceremonial MAGIK their desires were too fragile I needed to make them MORE
REAL!
Sunni DID decide to take the initition even tho she did not consider it DIRECT expierence that
she would have ON HER OWN. She figured tho even indirect expierence is “natural” to an extent
and would if nothing else expierence a counterfiet event and if so many others are doing it it must
contain at least a germ of truth if only by concenting to consenus!
She was told that; THE RIGHTFUL AND NOBLE ATTAINMENT OF
KNOWLEDGE.was her heretige..The drumming echoes and overlapped for there
were over a hundred the clarion call a more base sirin of voice given to the gut
existential pounding right into our skulls,hearts and being! Red dirt cyclones
swirling and drifting and distorting in the heat the very image outside the
cave...inside almost cool yhe shadows from the torches also bent the shpes of
the naked dancing girls ,faces to the crowd,..butt to back their profiled bodies
gyrated like a snake undulating bellies out then in,torsos arched back a staccato
of vibrations buffeting us as our clothes were ripped away! The catapault of all
scources shoved against us
People fell and screamed and laughed A bleeding cow lay upon the mottled
grey stone alter.AAt the pedestal a basket was given,it contained ashes,an
egg,and a snke-we were told that death and birth would be no more and to rub
the ashes carefully all over the egg...upon doing this the snake up and devoured
the egg! the shape still visable in the serpents belly! it then swallowed its own tail
and dissappeared!... then the sacred cup..the nectar of the GODS! I toosed down
the potient and soon I was swimming in the acrid smell of carcus and smoke and
a raw stark animal reality siezed me and only an instinct to herd to come together
remained as everything seemed to burn away all humanity a NEW one seemed
to be forming the breaking open of a geyeser of absolutness every and many
and yet all the same and each cancelled out the other-since they were the same
ALL CANCELLED OUT except...except a number came thr ratio of line to
curve...many the many split apart and bodies and parts of bodies
cammmmmmmmmmmbecame even more bodies ROTATE THE NUMBER
NEVER ADD OR SUBTYRACT! The echoes became the same as the call so
many times so many..it swirled around and around! A fountain of light fell from
my head all around me and I could see before the next pattern emerged I could
see before the event!..there was nothing that was not ME! AND YET I stopped
caring about what form things would take and JUST KNEW I JUST KNEW!
For the next several days Sunni digested the radical changes she had expierenced.
She had a floating detachment and a revelation that many are one.each leaf different
yet so much the same....men are the same! Why do they put their faith in just one
thing like HORSES whay not in LIFE itself?. Arcos is good but needs to be engulfed
by life I guess by me tho I wont take him by the hand I must tho show him the bells
and whistles and show him how the littlest thing -practically NOTHING disturbs them
and that makes music and that is all the PROOF one needs for anything! Arcos would
drift forever without me...I must go back to the temple and pray for him and for me
what to do? Nobody including me wants to be owned but we are still afraid of people
we don't own....what must be done? With pharmakon we see the sickness of this this
clinging nature of love we parody our truths and look like mirrors hundreds of years
old bent yet still we can not see ourselves without a reflection..the paradox why did I
have to go thru hell to get to heaven? I must reconcile all this enlightenment with
my life! TO THE TEMPLE NOW! Howto equate the Paradox..just not to look notto act
never to gaze on the blemish on the face og GODESS again..Try to forget not merely
to forgive. Dont think of an elephant?But how? Fear of NOT-DOING? Fear of death?
NO! of the pettyness the little nothings that make the windchimes ring the universal
winds that make us move Think of nothing go ahead IT IS NOT DEATH but a wider
life! JUST never stop and say IT IS OVER...Wheather you seem embedded or in a
breakthru stay with it it comes together never apart if the road dissappers keepgoing
the mere momentum will cary you negation does not destroy it synthesizes! We
always cometogether if we go on.
WE were already togetheer we were just alnowledgeing it Our bodiea werwe in the
right plCE TO DO AO SO. mY STble didnt mTTER IT Ws not strictly controllBLE nd
even if the dice must still be thrown ND THE DOTS COUNTED ndND THE BIDING
VETTED as to wheterh well placed I just since moved now with her to another place
where nothing is weighed in a any balence except for if you too are there in this dark
cave this place where she too would be sanctified and fullfilled not by any measure
save you were finally at the right place at the right time when all bets were off and it
only mattered whether you scored enough to enter the next round the last one
where points didn't even matter and score was kept by you mere desire and
willkingness to do so. AND txhere we were...and gods we were.His skin was not
there only whipered to me from where he had left and returned leaving the space
not warm but cold he was empty now but there was aplace there....for me.......my
space for me myself and I.........all my skin..on his skin where it was now and before
not a whore now I had been somewhere else too...between his loss and my lack was
exactly 2.03 between his stain and my contagion-the hyperreal! You cant want his
balls you must have your own...even if absent there is a space for it AND THE
DESERT WILL BLOOM! not just with water but with it over time long times and the
polar axis shifts and the mountain wears down and the next becomes closer to the
real so close that this moment is more vacant than the next and the next is seething
and festering like an open wound and the gauze is ME! He has left it enough that
when hes here it dosn't even matter and yet I am here all the time...entombed in my
life as others are in death or in there search for it or the meaning of it.I never left
my life and yet have only hovered over its space guarding it from this specter till
now come lie down with me now because beyond is not within sight of either land. I
can not just roll over into tho I must fall even farther into it.
....I am home now in this sacredness,of her flowers and perfume and it is that I see
now that is whats love is that we make it so declare it,demark it with our blood
LACECKTY LACKETY! It shall be summer forever! Fathers don't forget your daughters
they have their place too now......YOURS!
We embraced. "Sunni I missed you so..so,very very much..I......you....
"I know...not me not you not anything..but the multiplicities of the universal...LOVE!
YES YES let me tell you of my sougern and what I have learned. we are all the pieces
of ONE map! Authntic in our fittingness..receptive vulnerability and in our virilunce to
contagion..in our transparency...in our...love.It is already here and there and yet
nowhere at all except in the mystique of our overlapping potential instantly available
whereever we go...only to be real when questioned yet only then is it ever weakened
a reversed way of seeing from what is seen all real to degrees of angles and
composition yet not decidable for it is so tattered fom use unlike the inner
map.Without direct intervention it evolves.
Sunni, our way together is made clear The map may show illusion butthere is
nothing else there to cross over on till after the fact You cant skip karma only work it
out or diffuse it but never merely absorb it althoughs ometimes blessed karma
annoints us for free by fate and then events can proceed over and above actual
karma tru a twisting by the misregognition of the supposed liniarity of life by the true
feedback loop which much more warps our direction rather than affirming it.
Fullfillment of desire lowering our need for it...we can only use life to ascertain the
meaning ofit via death reflectiong over and over again on a conjecture the memory
creating consciousness of this this rambling on the void all a secondary reaction to
pure space! We become heavy material with our obsession with this observation of
what? Of getting somewhere?...different fromhere?IS IT REALLY? Gradually we
forget what we thought and vanish from the earth The only authenticness this offset
from the backdrop of questioning? till the end when we actually know..but are no
more! WE are home! SUNNI we are home!September 9, 20085:17 PM
"Are you enlightened Sunni?" I asked with a sense of certainty about the answer.
"Yes I am, the code flips both ways and can multiply but its all the same"
Yes, I learned that too!
Inside the death chamber where Sunni and I went to mourn our old life of the single
consciousness we began to actually feel a birth happening...I was ejected out into a hall of
mirrors where a midget financial manager priest was falling I was caught in the ceiling above him
but then was jerked back as blood splattered and I heard myself cry like a baby! Just then I
awoke in Sunnis body! and had an inexpliable feeling of joy although misdirected DAWN WAS
GONE but now I was HER! I was happy and pulled out some lipstick and broadly covered my lips
with the most irridesent red even let some spill out past my mouth and let the glad face I always
wanted shriek in total JOY!
 1

THE PROPER USE OF PENNYROYAL

I must confess; I think I was shot in the womb,although my resume
doesn't show this-shot by my
fathers-who were the walking wounded themselves. When were they hurt? I
don't know but I knew my
chore was to lick them clean without any condesension. I don't think
they knew the scource of their injurys
or anything of their falling except that it happened sometime when they
were young and supposedly
invulnerable and although they did not exactly suffer bravely and in
fact required much nurseing-they did
pay their dues which entitled them to enherit what they would probably
have anyway-but since there is no
free lunch, a parade of pains is necessary.Even though its really all a
matter of ones constitution and the
natural process of becoming who we are-it should seem as if it was
against all odds!1
These were the patriarcy of potential partners for my mother-my
particular purveryer of sperm was
never quite determined. They all lost a part of their humanity in their
quest to spill the seed. Would they
have been able to locate WHICH part without some lump of impressive
scar tissue? Is it really fair to say
that without INTEGRITY-as unique to them as a snowflake-they would have
remained woundless and
without valour 1 mean where're we going with this anyway? Maybe we
would maintain more humanity if
we had a little less IDEOLOGY about why we lost it? Maybe its loss is
not any kind of prerquisite for any
part of DEVINITY or HEROISM anyway. But will one be invited into the
ranks of the honored otherwise?
The ghosts of past battles will not just INVITE anyone,unless they too
have paid some ultimate price else
they become only specters of the future without a clear code to be
judged except one of their own falsely
giving up some humanity just to make it seem symbolicly REAL-and don't
we all know fathers like this?
Full of themselves and their narrartive MAP which in fact is nothing
but the LEGEND for a map yet
undrawn one of maidens and seamonsters and the like indicating really
nothing but the UNKNOWN
adventures to come? None of it really documented at all-just
mystical...the valour...the heroism...even the
everything onlya list of possible HORRORS to come! It appears that the
real battles are with the
managerie of GOTHIC maps themselves that in fact only depict their very
own inadeqacy and in the end
-show nothing but DOGMA to sugarcoat it with. "DEATH BEFORE
DISHONER", my first Dad would shout while teaching me of SACRAFICE as
he cut the head off a live
chicken. He had a kind of NEW AGE farm and was a kind of VIRTUAL farmer
most of the animals
being outscourced to him from other "organic"
farms "THEY DIE THAT WE MAY LIVE!", he bellowed out
again "BUT "WHEN" DAD? WHEN DO WE SACRAFICE? I screamed in
near TERROR "WHEN SKILL AND CHARACTER
 2

MATCH!" "MINE OR THE CHICKENS!" I called out again-only half

joking he laughed,"You are not ready grasshopper".

"You will know when you have become part of each animal", he finally
aknowledged
in casual
dismissal "But you keep killing them off" I
screamed "Well then learn quickly little girl learn quickly ha! ha!
ha!"
This first candidate for big Daddy moved us onto his new
NEW-AGE farm...an EARTH LEARNING CENTER- a high-concept stratagem for
human/land interface an aboral network of design nostrums of ,"nature
cum-Iaud" per
random genetic probabilities per pre marketing systems. There was
modification of seeds
but only "organicly"...a cumquat was still a cumquat , just more human
friendly Mom was focused as usual on itemizing holdings-doing the
paperwork and basicly trying to figure out how much ownership was
actually in the farm
versus other investments Was a chickens life worthy ofSACRAFICE?
Especially considering it often
continued to live without its head just as a bundle of nerves? And what
about the egg?
Wasn't that worth as much? Every value was postponed till the
slaughter 1 saw him fuck a lamb once,unbeknownst to him,then
right after fuck my mom... when will she be assigned her rating? At the
final tally as
usual? Maybe but one thing I know is that you shouldn't shit where you
eat so mabe y..
shouldn't fuck where kill
either .--But he did teach me some things: he told me the main thing to
remember is that GOD
IS WATCHING YOU and that a good thing became good by doing it a long
time and
watching it carefully and beware points will be especially taken off
for SEX done quickly
without due
.,
attent1on Dad #1 didn't last long, he hardly stayed around long enough
to make his
point...mabe like the headless chicken it was just NERVES keeping him
going. How long
is long enough maybe its just whenever the master says its time...like
when a slave
was sold...did you fuck her long enough to count? Did you have a family
long enough to
attain subjective content before you were sold... were you around long
enough to miss
what you
lost? "I's gonna be like a chicken with its head cut off...1 might as
well be dead if you sell
me
massa!" "We all must sacrafice Rufus for the good of the marketplace-
its just the invisable
hand not
" "
me "Yes'suh..they is no free lunch dats fer shore...but to make a quick
 3

buck yojes sold ,

yer SEED CORN..I mean whos gonna teach the little ones 'bout the farm
here and
all? ;.Look we want a good happy work force thats productive...family
structure is good
but only up to a point.. we don't want any UPRISINGS HERE
\
boy!" ~ ~~ "Well ya gots to do lots more training and re-training "
"Cost of doing business Rufus...minimizing risks is a big
part..//social cohesion is fine but I am the ONLY DADDY...and I say
when its time to go
and when the family is over!"
---OK MASSHA we sacrafice and I jes transplant my family into one big
one whereever I
am at...I hopes I get to the big one in the sky soon else they one day
gonna be a real big
hyper-uprising! "I tell you what boy this other massas real rich and he
jes might free you one
day!" "I'd rather stay a slave and be with my own family
suh."-~ "W ouldn 't we all Rufus... wouldn't we
all." Ifyou ask me Dads are real overrated I say kids stick with MOM
shes
got a name too..you more than welcome to have that one follow backwards
otherwise
all this stuff happening now will soon be gone and according to daddy
himself such
temporary shit aint worth
much I think its more about access to property than property itself and
that includes your
liniage. No, the farm all of it burnt up and out so fast consumed by
the consumers. That
place became a bed and breakfast animal museum or something...just
duel..just TYPE a
role like any other to be used and thrown away ..Mom, a fuckin
lamb,pigs,chickens,me The next daddy was really a smarmy and devious
soul-a real back-slapper who
could piece together a deal but never knew quite what to do with it-on
bords of
directors-it was his name they wanted he was famous at least in some
circles...he ran for
congress and was arressted for racketeering. They got him for DUMPING
practically
giving away "widjets" then jacking up the price when he cornered the
market. I visited
him
in prison with mom."Never give up", he would say,I know
every crack in the wall and who made
them!" "Cool Dad.", i obligingly
answered : "

"I've still got my mind and then some."

Disembodied voices echoed with
distortion and belied the love I was being force
fed ' coming home soon don't you
"
 4

worry "When ?" ~ "Soon, look I own this place I really do", he wasn't
lying it was a private prison
and he was a major stockholder...and even had a paid position as an
"INSIDE RISK
ASSESSOR".. He watched everything gang-culture, drugs all as it related
to ones
potential in society .He explained how he was gonna get the
racketeering law changed
retroactive to his case or go to a mental facility and claim recovery
.He did both- but the
only thing that actually changed was the sign outside the prison,it now
read,"Criminal

Disorders Center".
---"Dawn, I know its hard to understand but hard work alone just
doesn't make it
anymore-you have to micro-manage your merit..lts like a snake trying to
swallow all this
wealth..you have to cut a few comers to get it all in there,it might
seem criminal at times
but later you realize so much wealth would just not get ingested-it
would just go to waste.
Its very tricky Dawn,..its not a jungle its a tightrope out
there...getit?"
"Not really Dad", I sighed.
He had way too much TIME on his hands he was all
over the place and I guess he needed to focus anyway he could on
anything he
had "1 can't just question and prod reality Dawn...not now...1 must own
it..1 can't accept what I am...a God without power.
C he drew a map out, a way out and that
had to become more real than anything else he wanted to memorizt that
map and
swallow it...1 guess thats what you did in the BIG H()USE. He had to
hype things up a
notch and then keep it secret otherwise they be allover him for
it...but his gulped down
map was where his soul should be-deep inside him...it needed to come
out other wise his
dream was but a spit-soaked fantasy like selling "widgets" for nothing.
If your only
trick is to play both sides against the middle..then who wins when you
do get out.
Wealth..the final dumping ground. What got into Y()U when you got out?
What went on
BEF()RE you were freeed? }Ceep you humanity -no sacrafices please...
winning is N()T
everything there is no such thing as a G()D without P()WER dieties do
just as they
please in a world that they created..they need nothing 'cept maybe some
free will come
back to them only to BURN A WAY! But any obeyence any subserviance any
such desire
is not real in any place but PRIS()N! The only desire was created long
ago all you have to
do is W AK.E UP and FEEL it RIGHT N()W if you don't you won't feel it
 5

later But Dad didn't get it...1 could hear him yell during conjugal
visits,"1 don't recieve...1 take !" It was too late he was warped..do
it to them before they
do it to you" had overtaken him. Don't fuck where you shit...andleam
fast before the
animals are killed.
There were other dads but they were around for even less time and I
don't remember
or care to remember them..1 was overwhelmed with hipocracy and
illusion. I had just left
home at 17 and was dancing topless when I met }Cyle .
"Don't doubt yourself Kyle!" I would say ," It
automaticly starts a deteriating process..stretches your beliefs so-
oooo much,1 'd grap his
dick then and say,"and its already stretched so-ooo long".
Yeah but, the future is pretty far out there right
now,at my age, how can I be so
certain? Look, if you don t
bracket your entire life right now with a bona fide beginning and end
then nothing
will have context enough to have any valid meaning at
all...NEVER!" But..but...it seems almost criminal to claim
100% return on any
investment..
 6

"Just don't outlaw the legal right of your future to exist..ifyou

do...then THATS
..
all
"well it seems as ifl'm gonna have to step out of line one way or
another in order
to find my damn
I.."
uno1tS... Otherwise your gonna need documentation just to go to the
bathroom Kyle!"..Just
feel the cramp and let loose!..follow your instints!" any authorized
guauntees
ultimatly must come from you...your the final arbitrar of your own
reality...you have to
decide what is real for you...nobody
else "Whats real... whats real for me"..he murmured as he turned to
gaze hollow eyed
at the floor exit polls are incidental the SETTLEING of DEBTS the last
round played
hey the point is then that the game is over but right now all bets are
ON!
" "But Dad won't accept mere good
intentions " FUCK DADS! they never settle for ANYTHING
always want it all..never get it. Listen to your heart...listen to your
mommy..your already
there in spirit...no drama...you don't have to catch up to anyone
else...its all gravy from
here...you don't have to proove the ends justify the means..ifyou know
it yourself..thats
all prooveing is about its after the
fact" .; "Just clean up ..before the fact is most
REAL!..." "Same ole story... Ya wrap it all up at commencement by
remembering the
beginning. .thats
all ~ GET IT
DONE "THATS
ALL" ,
"WHEN THE FOOTPATHS OF TWO TRA VELLORS CROSS...there is no
blame" "CHOP WOOD CARRY W ATER»>YOU ARE NOT CUTTING THE WOOD
IS NOT BEING CUT»>CUTTING IS
HAPPENING»> Kyle had a job doing investigative reasearch for a think
tank so he had a good
position and did not have to worry but in spite of always acting like
he was waiting for a
bus believed that he was right or almost right if he could just
pinpoint his targets a bit
better...his darting glances and questions showed that actually being a
good liberal he was
too broadminded to agree with himself. He watched me like a hawk and
seem to change
his whole perspective-even in a professional way ,at his job-when I
shifted any of my
views. I told him it was not enough to be right even right on the
bulls-eye-right...you had
to wake up the other people too and the only way to really do that was
to knwo just whos
 7

slipping the mickys!.ifyou have to perswade then you've lost already

because your taking
your eyes off the real game-

1 think Kyle saw his beginning in life as starting in the hole...not at

ground zero
as it should have been...or even giving himself some credit for the
fundamental
rescources he was born with..he saw his youth as a "failing" in itself.
To be young was
to be at the mercy of those so much more entrenched with years of
expierence.
"I haven't been tested either yet Kyle,but I would'nt say that I'm
defined by what I haven't done yet, let me just say that; A is not: NOT
A...I mean not
even the inverse ofit...there is no connection except in math-even with
a a few mistakes
the main thing is the DIRECTION that your going."
"Y es,yes, I get too much ahead of myself, I
got to start where I'm comrning from..right here...Umrn...do you think
I should move
closer to work?"
.."No! definitely not!" Stop charting your terrain your at where you
should me "
"Dawn dawn, YOU are my
terrain " "Then you REALL Y don't need a chart you need a
bedroom! "BINGO!" "Oh bring your your compass and arrow..maybe we can
find some
use for it after
all."
What exactly Kyle did in his research-he wouldn't say.At least he
had a definite goal unlike my ex-fathers...but did he really believe in
it? "OK, ok Its just that I am still learning things Dawn...I'm
slow but I'll get
there." I'll be
waiting for you Kyle."
Don" t Just Wait for me,HELP ME
NOW!"
"cool, I'll meet you halfway!"
"Where would that be?"
"Don't YOU know?"
"Just pay half the rent Dawn"
OK but I never know quite how much
I'm gonna make from night to night..it depends on a lot of things "
"SEE that what I mean about you...rent
is rent it has nothing to do with you or how much your getting
paid!" H tried to teach me too,even as I did
to him but the difference was he wasn't in the end around that much"
"Where have you been Kyle, your
always out?"
TELL ME WHY YOUR MOTHER IS AL WAYS
HERE? "DON'T YOU LIKE HER?"

"Not as much as she likes me."

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
"FORGET IT!"
1 think it was over with Kyle..he would'nt even
 8

talk when he W AS there 1 think when I got pregnant that really blew it
all. The drugs
helped fill in the void..but There was a sinking feeling always FEAR
where would I go
if I have to leave? We were just too young I think too "flawed". ~

Got
"flaws"? Keep'em! I did.Karma has a tar-baby effect. Forget babies and
bath water-your "soaking" in it! Just STEW! The odor is a fragrance
and anything can be an acquired taste-if you just LET it.Anyway my
warts are alii really got right now and "Will" is razor-sharp and cuts
both ways so wear your scars proudly!
Its just a matter of "t~chnique" really,mark yourself
down -if your willing to go all the way {kill?) you shouldn't really
have
to;like in the "FAMIL Y".
If its all really all about "credit" and it is folks-its got to be
mutual that
is; MUTUAL KARMA cause that's what karma really is. Oh they want
your consent all right {consensual reality)-Freedoms' not another word
they enforce it here on a regular basis! Here in this "hospital"
(mental?)
But they don't go for flaws in this "squinty-eyed"
place. So I had a baby a little early with a lot of blood-due to drugs
and
rough-sex they claim,Oh that is so "inappropriate" I am so sure!
Mabe 1 should have listened to Kyle though,he did say he felt
something-yeah ,a little fucking baby-head! He leaped up like a cat and
a red torrent pored out. We opened a little sack of a human with
nervous appendegeing members. That kid js here-right here,in the
hospital-1 think.Kyle STILL talked about the rent through the whole
thing!
 9

This wound was a healing for more than just me.Maybe to show me this;that my
time is always saved for me,and me alone-even if only deep inside me,still it
shows that one does not really measure herself against the world but by every
breath she takes. Its all an inside job otherwise that handy little map would
replace the actual territory-its all the same,just veiocity differentials within
the
field-all is field-the unconscious bulk-the cave of Brahma-the genetic cream-the
collective mind-the akasic record -so many many memories all blurring
together-the path of each neuron criss-crossing so many others till the paths
seem all there is;emptiness but in fact ultra fullness! .
Sense is in the nonsense -if not a story a fable-in a moibus strip twisting
around inside-out -so many petals-all grist for the mill-Ioneliness a self over
and
over infolding every other-~ach moment the center of the universe-what has
been will be again-every aspect a reflection of the whole-turn away if you must
but the affirmation remains; but never impressed on a graph but sensed in the
movement and position-implicit if not explicit-a location of the location-within
the
void between each note of the scale! A refrain that becomes over-layered till
word and picture intertwine and the spirit becomes a rock!Always becoming
more yourself-a standing beat-wave-zero becomes one!

If I am so disturbed, why am I treated with such disruptive effeciency ?

There are no such panaceas to keep the normal so docile-at least not in the
same extensively cataloged way. Those of us who are considered DEFECTIVE
have a host of insured help available but the rest of you are totally on your
own! I
Is there not a connection here? Is this not a system feeding-at least partially-
off I
its own contradictions? Are we just being used as static to separate their I
information? I mean isn't every hedge against inflation also a CAUSE of it?
Don't
they put a lock on our unconscious only to later sell us the keys? Don't we have
a feed-back loop here that in spite of the pain is used to provide a kind of
GHOSTL Y form of FREE-ENERGY perpetual-motion machine that really
amounts to nothing less than a serpent swallowing its own tail? won't we
certainly in the end gag on our own feigned competence?
 10

A fellow patient,a slouching hunch-back girl,came slithering towards me. She sat
down next to me
with a sneer of disapproval and with a distant forward stare officiously stated,
"There is no one out
there foryou,no society, no culture,you are all alone all alone."
Bemused and just a bit startled,1 graciously conceded," Maybe it just seems that
way when
your bored".
" No, it just seems your not alone when your distracted by people by reality its
all
smoke and mirrors,ego-games that's all" ,she threw a thick smirk,leaned back
and slowly turned
to face me." So life stinks, what else is new? I finally sneered back,but in an
effort to salvage
some decency in an indecent situation I shifted gears, "There ARE moments there
are moments
of trueness, of reality" .
II Fragments! Mere fragments ! Thats why your here schizo! II
"What do you want? II ,1 screamed," One long eternal timeless moment of
perfection? II
She went on unfazed, II Ya see anything REAL is INNOCENT and so does not know of
good
and evil, its all mixed up for them, which is of course considered illegal
unless you go insane."
Her logic was over-reaching to say the least,but it made me think; if people
were either
innocently insane or properly distracted why did she even bother to approach me?
If she sees no
reality in an a friendly alliance then I guess she sees something in a
conspiracy of confederates, a
pack of snarling,drooling wolves or dogs! The great effort to II FIT-IN" then,
is really,according to
her,an excuse to simply watch your
Bum In a MOB mentality can you ever really let your guard down? Mabe she's
right? I don't
however think one should ever invalidate the reality of events around one. The
only way though that
one can ever feel totally safe is to always be at least a tiny bit
evasive,malinger a little,hold
back,become a spy even-or counter-spy when it suits you,and when not -go ahead
and ALLIGN
yourself ,at least long enough to get you through the night-in the morning you
can choose sides
again! One must admit,one big magicallumpen moment only exists till it defaults
into something
else ; lf anyone really had a distinct SELF wouldn't it be at least II modulated
II to adjust to
others-contriving a non-innocent greater goodness whose mask would eventually
likely betray a
true alliance? This girl must know her eccentric ideals are not considered mere
quirks here-any
friendly overtures,however conspiratorial and selfish, are likely to fail so she
hopes only for a
soft-Ianding that will go unnoticed.She will use sleight-of-character to
disguise the fumble as
deliberate,done even as a mockeIY Of your gullible gentility.
 11

"I suppose you think I'm a few cards short of a deck II , she says,jumping to
conclusions after
setting you up accordingly.Herwords are always marked carefully.
"Yes,I'm leaking",she suddenly,as she clutches her nipples through her blouse.
"Whyshould
I hide it? I AM a MOTHER! II
"YOU toO!" I declared.
Eveyone has babies here. This is no ordinaIY mental hospital. They're doing sex
research because of the increase in female births."
She bursts into a goofy grin and clasps her breasts again with more milk
staining
the fabric-
This is what they do to you here, they steal your juice. Don't worry we know the
SIGN", she nodded knowingly -"its the key to the MAP! It's all about mapping
your style".
"I thought it was all about training you for "work-skills?"
"Well,that's what they would they would have you believe but
knowledge of the terrain comes from the map my dear inmate."
"But shouldn't the actual come before the model"?
"Not really,let's see You can't understand something until AFTER "c"
you ~ave learned it-not during the apprehension process itself.To understand ~
Physics you must read the book but how can you comprehend what your reading
BEFORE you finish? Insight comes or sometimes not,the book or map is only a
guide whose real veil this easy and natural process beneath the ruse of an
"earned" skill; when in fact what they are really most interested in is your
ability
to understand the utter need for this very RUSE-and to dutifully reflect this
deliberate pedagogy in your overall "style". I
The real nature of intuitive edification eludes them. They all want to ;
speak the exact same language in order to minimize RISK by eliminating
randomness although some semblance is allowed to help to "mystify" this rote
recital of knowledge to affect a natural and. personal presentation, however
your
"style" must still match others interchangeably without interpretation.
ADJUSTMENTS are to be focused on PREDICTION and probability factors
even to the point of suggesting seamless consensus. Like "peeing in a coke
bottle", if your the least bit nervous (or different) you can't do it!
BANG! BAD CREDIT! It is the fatal end of the Mexican stand-off when the
mimicry of the "other" in the mutuality of the lending-mirror fails ie. the
moves
anticipated and quickly copied must be unquestionably on-target and
telegraphed with such nearly theatrical ritual that a burlesque politic is
perforce
required in the end as the mainstay of any employed situation or position within
the soci'ety.
In Dr. Cottonwoods all but comfortable office,so very
cluttered with assorted memorabilia-my initiation
continued.His look of anxious anticipation suggested
either that he had too much coffee or was somehow
expecting me to dance on his desk!
"I know, I know", I blubbered:Life is like a box of
chocolates ya never know what your gonna get!"
"right!"said the doctor very pleased at my'
revelation,his already raised brows arching even higher.
"Unless they put in a diagram which they never do",1
so cleverly amended ,"they never let you have those
maps do they doctor-the ones that really matter-the
 12

ones that are the glue that holds the others

together thats all up to YOU,right?"
"ALL up to you Dawn",he said with a fashion
of sym pathy.
His box-like room with sunken tiny windows
was ssuffocatingas was his invasive peering. His
hairline was too low-no forehead with smoothed back
silver hair ,his skin sallow but still youthful.He was
watc~ing not just me,but how I watched him.
"Why don't you just tell me my shame
doctor,when you keep it secret it makes me think you
have more in mind than healing-doesn't healing come
with the light of day sir?",1 scoffed with syrupy
politeness ,in my way to mock his."Mabe you keep my
crime secret for the same reason you don't give me the
map to the chocolates!"
,
"Dawn,why wouldn't I tell you whatever you need to hear?",he stated holding
onto his objectivity.
"1 don't know but without a map you look lost,even crazy-so your more
vulnerable to manipulation."
l'Do you think you might need some help in finding that
map,Dawn,maybe learn how to draw your own?"
"Drawing my own maps is what got me in here doctor!'l
l'Maybe you can start drawing some new maps after a little learning and
growing here after a few cathartic changes?"
"Oh yeah! we need more of that! babies tearing your insides out just ..
just like war!"! "
"War?"
"well, the fight the blood the lab our and pain-sucked the life out of me!
l'Or maybe just sucked out the "OLD" Dawn? II
"oh Jesus!", 1 cried in frustration of the no-pain-no-gain
metaphors,"What was wrong with the old one,and anyway is this really the only
way to grow, mean where was the epidural? Look doctor we all have our faults
but we don't take pit stops, we grit our teeth and move on
real people have to, we don't get monuments in Washington no glory
here just shame and isolation that's what real war is-and stealing peoples
children!
l'You'll see your baby when your ready Dawn'l
"Oh take your scholarly detachment somewhere else please,Look its
only when you inspect people so damn closely they look like a microbe or
something... And take your college-prep hazeings and and boot-camp
drama,corporate pluck,
and your ornate cryptic cribsheets of maps of maps with you! Why all this
exgeious of indoctrination just to live? Maybe I SHOULD draw my own map! A
simple crude one; for the people, AS THE CROW FLIES,no fancy ledgend needed
,oh but that would put the map-makers like you out of business,getting there)s
after all ALL THE FUN ,1 mean there really isn't that much at the end of the
rain-bow is there? Anyway a simple real map wouldn't be gutsy enough would it?
I mean no guts no glory right? Oh no you have to read every outline of hints
and cheats ever copied and re-copied about map-reading and the character it
takes etc. etc. dangleing it all piecemeal before us like a bone on a piece of
string exorcising us for every effort we make! We don't want to have to smooth
out every crack in the road with sheer audacity and incessantly re-gurgetated
GOOD-WILL, just tell us the truth!
""Dawn!'l he finally says showing some real
emmotion,"these kind of paranoid fantasies are just what mental illness is made
 13

of whatever one needs to learn is honestly available out there for everyone
without any ulterior motives.'l "Yeah right!'l look I don't want to learn your
mystical theology of Hamerabies Code, or Hippocraties Oath, or even of the
mythic rantings of the very DISMAL science-you are more right than you can
ever imagine doctor these are no longer any secrets and no longer exclusive -all
your data and creeds can not hide that or that the scarcity that makes wealth is
 14

is gone! Games over doctor and you guys have all the chips-your stalling us
now-that's all ...with this game- the money has all been won and loans to keep
us
playing and learning are not going to make a profit when you have to wait
so long for one of the winners to die-and THA TS what were really doing aren't
we ? Everybody knows doctor,everybody knows.

The session ended badly by any civilized standard anyway.1 eased myself
haltingly out the door,backwards as a very frozen pause gave way to my hasty
retreat.1 was embarrassed ,but still felt furious and justified for my rage. I
shot
down the hall,past INTAKE-refusing my meds,and collapsing on my bed after
somehow being allowed to keep everyone away from me.My stomach was.
clenched like a fist. Doctor cottonwood would probably write down
;"paranoid-schizo,searching for hidden meanings,unresolv~(:astration or the
like. I guessed that I was in trouble and lay breathing heavy into the
pillows,my
head spinning. Its not your betting strategy, its your poker-face-liars poker!
Its not
even about winning-You can't win, its just about being included at the table,
picking up the crumbs,fallen chips and doing it tactfully enough to look like
you
belong and to minimize the stress to the REAL players-so it all appears a
genuine medium of exchange -of CURRENCY per whatever manipulative
techniques of graceful and functional finesse necessary to flaunt the fluff of
MERIT in order to bring the stuff of legitimacy to bear on these fashions of the
"stage". Pretentious logistics covers generic diplomacy and the studied
analytical GAZE hide it all under a blanket of market neutrality that displaces
any real bias of desire onto the suddenly charged ego. After all,are we not
above all
this? And is it right to take away the freedom of those who do not wish a map?
Terra,my roommate was gone,but hei beloved plant which she "stole" from
her mothers grave joffered a familiar and soothing sense of personal space to
console myself in.
It just all seemed so orchestrated in such a slap-dash manner -guaranteed to
make one schizo. I was tired and dirty and so was happy when Terra cam back
to tell me that I would be bathing with the group now that I was "processed" and
had been assigned a roommate
I told her my first impressions of the hospital were not good and that I had
an unpleasant encounter with my caseworker .
"You can believe your first impressions Dawn-if you can believe
yourself-that is where the impression lies and that is where you will see the
"sign". Only the impression counts,the code itself is of no consequence.You are
not the code.Come and shower with us-its time now-you'll see-you'll
understand-come..."
"But don't we have any choice about being here,and all this?"
"Things work together or they don't, WILL is just a way of filling in the gaps
if
goodfaith fails,but WILL alone is mere FORCE- a better substitute is symbolic
randomness REVEALED! Your unconscious destiny is never changed anyway
and can best be represented through subjective absorbed karma rather then
actually acted out in the REAL. The same universal fundamentals will be juggled
and the overall shape of things will always relate and the event horizon will
collapse accordingly as it must no matter what the REALM for AS ABOVE SO
BELOW .For example, PAIN particularly UNCERTAINITY must be
rationalized,equated and formalized especially in a culture of many
 15

contradictions ,this process must often be EXTREAM,primarily by minimizing

and de-sensitizing through abstraction and deciphering. RANDOMNESS then
used for reconnaissance and heuristic modeling is not JUST painful and can
help determine probabilities in loose-knit systems -especially when generalized
identity is infringed on by masculine ego dysfunction.
You see Dawn, What happens here on this realm is not literally about ego
or achievement per se,but rather about the unfoldment of measuring methods of
karma.Ones conscious lifes actions do not necessarily reflect who you are
unless they also reflect who you have always been-an historical event-an
extended point in time and about place not space.Spirit move matter-matter is
inert,relativly and material is moved only to expand playfully not with precise
willfull intent only the pre-disposition of the "seed". Its all just grist for
the mill but
such fodder is a way of differentiating oneself-but the real context of our
behavior is so vast it is largely beyond our comprehension and yet as the
RIPPLES of our actions bounce back to us-we CAN get a broader picture from a
distant and more whole perspective allowing us to determine our position and
learning curve-its all a gratuitous gesture signifying something. Come let us
now
bathe together!
 16

I was called to the claims office,I would have to bathe later ,"Just some
papers for you to sign Dawn", said the attractive pudgy
secretary,but I couldn't "just" sign-I wanted to read exactly what protection
they were offering me. "Don't sweat the details Dawn".
..."Yeah, well, the devil is in the details"....proof of my fall from grace. I
"was" sweating, in fact. ......"Just footprints in the sand -
nothing written in stone...said the secretary,rubbing her nose and whipping an
insurance form out of the air and slapping it down on the desk in front of me.
" well sometimes in the desert footprints are all you get....mixed in with all
the other waves and patterns...."
.."OHkaayyyy".she rolled with her eyes and breath..."Its a very general
description...nothing itemized your privacy is guranteed as much as possible".
..."But its still a record of my DEFAULT reality", I interjected pointedly,"one
that explains why its not an ENTITLED one".
..."What?"
.. "Maps they're not really flat so they sometimes bunch up on themselves
like real terrain". ...."Your young sweetheart you still have time
to overcome any blemishes...thats what were here for....."
..The chief operating doctor comes walking over..marching over...., "anything
wrong here?" ..I twisted around thinking out loud
extrpolating into the air above him," Do you do you promise...if I sign this
paper that the essense of your teachings here...that the water of interpetation
that you water my codes with will -in spite of holding the grains in place long
enough to take root-will not make my phycology into any muddy kind of adobe
POLICY....or vice versa?"
..."Dawn, your babbling again....its demographics...if it all seems arbitrary to
you thats only because thats the way you see the world...paranoia schizophrenia
is a very broad term it just covers what is medically acceptable....
.."But why not be specific, I interupted,"I'd rather be pigion-holed thank you"
."I know your sensitive about all this you have to understand though that I am
here to protect your sensitivity in spite of how your case is presented for
rough insurance use..if you get better that will be noted and a more accurate
statement will be added".
.."But I was told doctor", I said more focused and more concerned and more than
a bit pained,"that if I got better,I might not be covered at all".
.."Of course you will", he crowed and with an emphatic jerk forward as he
shifted from one leg to another and folded his arms with a fixed and then frozen
grin.
 17

"Is insurance assuring I succeed or fail?",wistfully almost rhetoricaly,my words

lapped up over the head of the man who would not ever embrace such a question
and ebbed back to me to mull over again,turning away I stared at the picture on
the wall as if it might answer if I waited long enough. A picture of of bright
red flowers on a black background...everything frozen..the moment dragged on, a
trickle of water rolled down from my armpit,"I know its up to me but I work
better without a net;especially when its this easy to fall with such a fine net
and nothing to hold me if I make it.".
.."Don't think of falling Dawn.., a woman of character never does,its like
rideing a bike don't look down look where your going,the doctor admonished
boldly as if one of my fathers, so sure of himself. .."Don't
think of an elephant!", I laughed, but your know this french phyc book i was
reading doesn't ever mention character and goal fixation it just talks of
personality disorders in regards to alienation and ideology but nothing on
authority problems or "focusing".
.."It all comes down to the same thing you don't need ideology to ride a bike
though...the doctor became restless and picked up some papers and began to
read..."I'll tell you what it really comes down to Dawn,if you really want to
know, red tape and money!"
.."If I had the money and didn't need insurance...it would be different?"' I
stated with only a hint of uncertainty.
.."I suppose it would",he said pulling his coat over his belly as if he was
ready for something. "I suppose I wouldn't even be here", I
sieghed.
The secretary too became impatient,"Look honey,your too young and pretty to
worry about all this..." .. "Thats the truth now look Dawn we got your back,
its just that more doctors are available to treat the more common
diseases...its cheaper but the more rare disorders costly and even harder to
treat..less covered and also harder to staff sometimes we need to downgrade
conditions until vacancies are filled...OK? got that?",he spat with increasing
temper. "Yeah I got it,sometimes bikes are not
available and what was that about being young and pretty...that helps too I
guess...tell me DOCTOR is Kyle on staff here?",
."He has submitted forms for us,we can't discuss that now. "He was noticeably
angery now and I decided I'd better just sign everything and go;soverignity
seems to trump subjectivity everytime thats what makes maps have borders and any
significance at all. I would talk to Kyle about this.
 18

"Are you pimping me Kyle?",I asked with a fierce and demanding voice.
"Are you making me?", he rejoined with pursed lips and thrusted chin,"Man, you
just don't leave me much to work with, look if you cut down the whole jungle
your just as lost only lost in emptiness-leave some of the bullshit brush up
there man if only as markers!'
..."Plenty of that shit around here boy!"
..."Just remember the path needs something to cut through-if only to keep the
paths seperate!"... .."Yeah, sure Kyle..you sound like the people
in the claims office I was just talking to...kind of all over the place with
their explanations.Do you work for these people Kyle?",
."Lets just say I am activly involved...I'm trying to help you..to flip things
in your favor' .."I hope you know which direction to
flip"
."I'm on your side..I just am trying to get their confidence"
.."Their favor..too?"
.."I'm on your side."
.."Whats my side?"
.."OK but listen,you remember when Carole had that hysterical pregnancy...at one
point you thought it might be some kind of "parthogenisis"...some kind of VIRGIN
BIRTH for chis sakes! But with me you automaticly believed them when they said I
was trying to abort with pennyroyal....actual events seem to hardly matter at
all with you its all symbolic codes of conduct and who has the most proven TRACK
RECORD..."proper" girls are taken at their word but......"
.."Dawn stop! Did you know that Carole took pennyroyal too?"
.."What? To abort?"
..."No to proove that it would'nt abort-that even if your mother did give it to
you it was harmless-the thing is when Carole took it it reacted strangely-it
seemed to temporarily jolt her ovaries into testes that then self-imprgnated
her!"
.."Oh sure thats just what I mean,abort or birth....all just part of the game
with you whatever your inclined to believe is what enivitablely comes to pass
with you. Your like these insurance people or a bank that allows for a certain
number of robberies in its bookeeping that it would otherwise just expand credit
with so that eventuaslly theft is just built into the system a way of expanding
the money supply at the bottom!"
..."Dawn,Dawn! STOP! You've completely lost me...."
.."I'm saying-How do you know whos side your on...or what side I am on or whos
side THEYRE on? Its all just a commute with youYou can't possibly eat where you
shit so you don't care!..." ..."DAWN!".
.."NO! Listen! Its like you gave Carole long term credit-cause you know she
pays--------me? I gotta have the money-or you advise them to keep me here-no
I.O.U. for me-so me-you just own-with her its a contract ;so if I reject YOUR
advances and then laater "I" get horney and come after YOU,its seen as an
ATTEMPTED PAYMENT! BUT..."if you arn't in the mood",it's marked as a further
overdue and uncollected bill with now ADDED INTEREST! SO, whether I do nothing
or not-it all just depends on your whims and I can never know exactly how much I
owe or just what human equity I have!"
..So KYLE, I ask you again,Are you pimping me? If you don't know if you are then
your probably whoring yourself! It's just like the guy whos robbing the bank,ON
BEHALF OF THE BANK; even if unbeknownst to him like the insurance people with
ME!" ."OK OK DAWN
WHOA! I'm gonna have to talk to ya later! GOODBYE! TAKE YOUR MEDS! BYE!
 19

Maybe I was too fast for Kyle but the other patients knew what I was talking
about.They had these signs they would make whenever a"MACK/SLUT' thing was goin
down and the real thing was slipping into "currency",that stopped the
imprinting from the docs and quickly shifted cardboard cut-outs for pus and guts
flags!"
..There was the EMPTY PERPINDICULAR, a smack of the fist into the palm,they were
then immediately reminded that the present will just slip forward and nothing
really change and you'll be left forever seeking the intent of what was
said,"YOUR POINT IS?" they would often say,you have to make a turn somewhere to
make something different happen and then come back to see where you came from
and why.... alot of doctors don't do this.......they don't know about Pi about
the curvature of all that is conducted from breast to U-cord,just cause someone
claims to be the middleman whos bringing this exciting offer straight to
you...it just may have already been there anyway...."Ddon't offer me your
generic multiple as some kind of UNIQUE gift I already know what your gonna say
before you say it!..they spilled your snowflakes out when they tied you off into
a bellybutton!" thats what this guy said to me once. This other guy went BAM!
ONE FINGER UP IN THE AIR! INSTANT PRECEDENCE! This girl was taking a shower
outside in the rain cause the plumbing was on the blink,...so what? Why was that
insane as they said? Made sense to us! Another one was HEY! ICONIC PRIVILIDGE!
spread fingers in the air like a wide HOW greeting-indian style...once this guy
found some tampons and kindly offered it to this girl he didn't really know-they
said it was rude and vulgar but hey! APPEARENCE of RIGHTDOING is 9/10th of the
LAW...don't let these shrinks reduce everything down to residual dogma!
..A lot of "incidental predicates" splitting the universal they said. A real
need to move up to the HYPER-CODE! Less positions more momentum! History CAN
move if we get our puny selves out of the fuckin way!
 20

One night Terra and I sneaked out again and went down to the basement where we
found a whole lot of dimly lit doors alnong a hallway that looked like a
corridar on an old navy submarine of some kind. We pushed open the first door
where this old guy was sitting on a cot-like bed he looked tlike the kentucky
fried chicken" guy...shadows fell from each of the poc-marks on his face he
looked up at us and his upper teeth fell out and stannds of spittle hung from
his mouth........r"RESPECT THE ILLUSIONS .. N EVER GO DIRECTLY FORWARD walk like
the CRAB that way the lies won't stand out so much and you DO need
them.....prevarication..they are handrails for little girls blinded by their own
precociousness. Did you know that it is being able to do anything that makes you
want to do nothing? That it is becoming fully aware what being young is all
about that makes you old? It is knowing everything that makes you old. Too much
pennyroyal when I was young! HA! Besotted with knowledge...canes don't work-you
fall down...break hips, break your spirit too...there is some refinment left but
you don't care anymore.I got corns on my ankles now girl! I'm like a cork in the
ocean.SWOOSH! just then the door blew shut with a loud WHAAM!
...We walked on,another door...we pushed it open.....a woman very old! her eyes
had pouches that drooped open to show glistening red membranes she smiled her
teeth were ok but her lipstick did not look good but her skin was smooth but
sallow. She kept pulling her wispy hair back as if ashamed of it. Glancing only
briefly then away then glacing back again.
"Don't listen to him,therie are only lies when you say things in your own way
so much you forget what your talking about its just that there is only one way
For him and most men there is only the incantations, charms and spells what
they make manifest are just illusions-lies for them..but the ghosts are real as
real as anything anyway It is the words the symbols the spells that are phoney
because they all really bring up the same things.True everything is just a
concoction of these spells a gruel of medicine that needs mixing but when they
are mixed they become real!" ..:"What is the
BUDDAH of ESSENCE?"...."HAW!N HAW! HAW! her raspy voice crackels with that she
struck me with her cane! With every cut of the knife it all grows back again!
the one after you has to cut it down again there is no civilization except YOU!
Life is pruning trimming constantly it never is really quite perfect but that
doesn' make it false.. Its like a string around a tomato patch!-it ain't gonna
stay there long they grow on there own like in the wild! The string is for YOU
not others it reminds you of the fragility of things and the need for care but
happiness is the weeds that protect your garden that is too sensitive to the
touch..the string is a lie but necessary...my throught was dry then filled with
spit that gagged me, I fell and wept, "Happiness was a weed!" AHHHHHHThe secret
codes you seek are all needed deltions of endlaess revisions addendums,post
scripts that men have added thru the years the only real code is the knife that
cuts them out..everything is the same acausal and non-local all fate the men
have to kill to stay different kill the woman the beast the horde the nature the
pagan the common the ordinary and expected.There is just so many people all
pressed together that the problem your as different as you wanna be out in the
fields....then I woke up!
21
 21

I finally got around to that shower!I was soon surrounded by cavernous walls of
wet black and white tiles and a
ceiling of gushing ceiling fountains spraying against an expanse of pale
sinuously
furrowed backs perched on dimpled haunches with arms moving in furtive
flutters with soapy washcloths in hand. I was overwhelmed by their abject
presence of honesty. Their unusual Cheshire-cat smiles made me unexpectedly
aroused! They were dissipated in some sort of revelry ,eyes almost shut,as they
moved now more slowly each with a rhythm of their own as they lathered
between their thighs. They were masturbating. I could just make out MILK on
one girls chest before it quickly faded into the beads and rivulets of the
tumult!
Like puckered -up lips swollen with blood nipples extruded from their mounds
into the misty fray! I hesitated,but
then was stung by a sharp whack on my butt-in spite of the pang-1 suddenly
became a part of it all! I may have felt like a side of beef-but I did feel
ALIVE!
"Do you see the sign Dawn?
Terra asked with her undisturbed equanimity,"Don't let them steal your
juice,pump baby pump!" I acquiesced and squeezed -I was panting now-wet
INSIDE as well as out! I felt no border between myself and the others. I HAD
THE JUICE AND IT "WOULD COME OUT! in fact I was in the moment-A
TRANCE! I didn't know I was this type of girl but right now I just had to be
somewhere, be doing something ,with somebody,with other people-yes,"friends"!
It might as well be here-now;my goose bumps tingled with fire,something then
spread me open! Oh god! I was choking with fearful fulfillment!The damn was
breaking wide open! There was a plunging jerk
"Listen Dawn,it all fits,every part a part of every other- part-pleasure and
non-pleasure, flaccid eddies in our beings cascading down to tight forms of the
shower- now is forever,you are quacking,your pore are steaming,it is not in the
taste but in the tasting,any flavor will do! You have buttons you know where to
push nowat anytime and anyplace,touch them by yourself for a while,sharing
permission-the only taboo now!
In swirling torrents blood filled water spun in a vortex down the drain.
"Yes, I feel the impression now!", I whispered aloud.
"When you hold a weapon now, feel only your hand around it for in the
ultimate conflict there is nothing else but you and what you believe which
become one,exclaimed Terra with a sense of the moment. From nowon your
eyes will be as shattered glass but you will see the clearest it can be.
She ate my softness like a succulent buffet! The pain did not bother me
anymore. I didn't own it anymore.Sheets of blood and deluge did not now
obscure but penetrated the vision of the great conflict. I would from then
on,only
talk in a whisper.
And SHAME now-only an insanity from the throes of the battle to
come.
Terra tells me that this desclipenary sex is but a way of bridgeing
the contradictions,so to be like the others whos natural proclivities allow
them to be included in the exclusive.An attitude toward "risking it all"
must contain a forgone conclusion of victory .If indeed one should not
be "only "an authentic looser then she should be aware of this
misfortune as soon as possible in order to go down defmitivly and not be
left to twist in the wind or get in the way-either lead or follow-RIGHT? .
Indeed one can never push ones luck too far if one would know just
precisely who one is. At the very least let "them" push your luck,right
over the edge;if necessary-they would be doing you a favor. So just let
the bodies fall where they may-just let GOD and the MARKETPLACE
 22

sort it all out! "The RISK and its representative endearment and its
ACTUAL denial is a major part of ones initiation here", Terra
explained,"If you can take it!" "Take it-l've done
nothing but...I'd rather not thank you." "Well then, just never let them see you
DOUBT!
 23

Failure is more than a delusion-its a ticket to the nuthouse! meant only to be

eaten like dust
never to be accepted-not with self-doubt not even with the least aknowledgement
but only with
another try with an offer they an never refuse-double or nothing-no triple no
ALL or nothing!
"Oh Terra,thatsounds a lot more like the Mafia than it does capitalism."
"Maybe,but ya
gotta start somewhere!",she said,although conceding,"Oh sometimes initial
investments DO
require more than just a few stabs-in-the-dark but the odds are with you.At
first there may well be
more players than games but no one is side-lined for very long; only
displaced,opportunities
accumulate and breed and so do inventions and contrivances but not more than you
can balence
and juggle if you have the instints.Nothing is really just "up in the air", its
just comming around
again and the next BIG_BREAK will be there if you just stay put and stake your
claim-stalk the
moment till then,CLINGING is half ofit ,even as the loosers pile up around you-
hold your place
and theirs too! Even empty space counts cause even when the rot petrifies and
falls theres a place
of healing there for you to use-your still adding value,fertilizing the grave-
even if your just on the
golf-course when it happens. Fluffwill turn to stuff if you ooze
it! Unknown factors sputter into a nice hum over time
through extended contextual feedback. Use fallow moments to invest more into the
PEAK hours
that statisically are sure to follow soon. It all evens out in the end-ifyou
stay with it for the long
haul but even then only if you use this steadfastness proactivly to stabalize
every second
especially when its not moving- by being muti-demensional and going ahead and
putting the cart
before the horse-of course even confidence must be borrowed from the future now
and then but
"The pay is more in the city",mom would say," but the rent is cheaper here"-Just
GO
AHEAD-I now thought- and put your carcus out there where you want to be and
eventually the
"means necessary" will follow-but she knew that." All will be added unto you"-
she would quote
the bible.Well ,in the end,the cart and everything else was brought back to the
stable-to the
suburbs anyway." This commute is killing me",she would wail,"I fuckin live in a
car-thats all-
everything else IS a lie. I kinda did the same "will" before "ego" thing with
Kyle. Carole didn't fuck him doodly-squat-didn't think he'd "work" out and was
totally
ignorant ofhis trust fund. So what? I decided to fuck him anyway,Christ women
always wait for
some "sign" of security beforehand when in fact what makes guys SECURE is the
pussy in the
first place! Yeah,even Ole' mummy used that reversed ill-logic too-case in
 24

point; she would love to rhitiously warn me,"IfI help you too much-you won't
develop any
inititive,you'll become lazy,and dependent on me all your life!". So I was
catapaulted without a
damn thing-el zilcho-into the cracks of the marketplace-Ijust spilled out-
without even the tiniest
splash-no container at all! It was almost impossible for me to "risk it all"-
what did I have to risk?
It was different for Carole being the "runner-up" parent of default. She
inherited dome kind ofpre-set-
to-kick-in investment-so it was eaisier for her provided as she was with the
facility for ladylike
diffidence. Her start-up costs were funded by various alimonies -sometimes even
by the rent I
paid! Mom knew ofkyles trust and thought that telling Carole would only make her
think him a
"playboy".Mom was upset when "1" became the" main squeeze" because she saw me as
a "gold-
digger". Mom had a lot of influence with Kyle.Who knows,maybe I could have
looked better with
some more confidence,but mom required more than a modicum of decorum to please
her-
required utter DOCILITY really, and that was just not me! Only Carole could
figure into her
long-term plans when money was involved;and it always was with her.DOCILITY you
see was
tantamount to sanity with her.-the kind of sanity nescessary for her schemes
anyway. She was a
stickler for the norms of polite society. She even turned my father away for
fear of "embarresing
the children-maybe also a way of reconciling his heircal dominence-he was after
all more than a
"male husband" but a "DAD" as well Ole Mummy was a very stilted yet
obsequious gal-deviously tactful especially with anyone who might actually have
a "point-of-
view" which she would always charge was an "agenda" Kyle was was upfront
but a larconic brooder -absrtact when he did speak yet could never really
articulate beyond the
specific. Carole was just too patronizinfg for him,mummy loved it though-very
swayed by it all-by
her languid consanguinity by her small talk that after a pitcher of martinis
would get progressivly
smaller and smaller Since Kyle decided
against abortion I knew he preferred me;the fey fourouch one and allegedly so
very defensive about it I was than shocked
when Carole denied any interst in just who Kyle wanted ......I remember some
years ago when one cold night while pensivly fretting,as usual, I became
particularly exhausted by it all and the whole dysfunctional
thing .I stumbled into the shower for what I hoped would be a soothing reprieve-
 25

-an absolution from envirenmental contamination! I bolted the door and lost the
clothes I hung
close to the full wall mirror for the routine "check-myself-out"-had bloodshot
eyes-"tough-nite-
out". I leered even closer-1 was shaken,1 stumbled,1 saw somthing! a site-hole
thru the silvery
glass right thru to my moms bedroom! Ahk! It peered glancing over the top ofher
array of
cluttered vainity products. Oh gawd! I am paralyzed. I do not move. I am
stunned.
Just stunned. I was-for a gospel fact, the pitiful subject ofa searing and
devious PROBE! I
was under survaillence! BUT WHY? MY OWN MOTHER! My throught swelled up like a
balloon. I
thought I would vomit.Like a sucker-punch.oh! My thoughts shattered then froze
in a tangled
mass. The one time I slow down enough to look at the mirror itself rather than
me and shit I
become nothing but an image just a part of the reflections I thought I was
separate from! A thing
a mass of "image" a slut-bag girl just like they said because that is all they
see-or want to see!-oh so
low for those conniveing PLA YER boys of hers! Im knew she used me as bait but I
never
suspected somthing so so..purely perverse! I was so so betrayed deserted nowand
alone. I
knew it was all over with THEM now though I would not ,1 decided then,confront
her. It would
be way too devistating-she would anyway just attempt to so despertly
"rationialize" it and
ultimatly even,yes, DISMISS it! OH yes,she would claim even now that I was just
toO sensitive
and even paranoid. I could never UNDO this anyway. But I would so help me,find
out
EXACTL Y why! I would if nothing else REVERSE this abominal act. YES from now on
THEY-
not me- would be disected and posted for viewing in the book of shame!
Even in the void bubbles are forming-your turf is soaking it all up like a
sponge-the market is
always working SOMEWHERE and the sponge knows! besot with savy it
"proffessionializes" the
contradictions by dispensing with the FLOW and working backwards from
it True Lawyers may turn into shysters,farmers into
bed&Breakfasts,drivers into hacks and salesmen into hucksters. You may make 90%
of your
profits at Christmas and kinda "pretend" most of the year but there is nothing
inherently
"criminal" about NOT doing anything for a while or about waiting your turn-
nothing wrong either
with the "neutral" outcome of CHANCE nor with the long gestation period thereof-
as long as
you INFUSE yourself with the immanient domain of CHARACTER in the meantime-this
will
transcend any doubt about whether you are dead or not because you will shine as
if on the level
 26

of natural forces! You have learned the tricks of the trade and are a
PROFESSIONAL! That is
all that
matters So!
This is what life is then-confidence. Go Ahead,put all the cards on the table-
then get the table! I
s\virled about in a daze! Me dear Mum n'dad did somewhat the same thing
actually. They ..:
always repeated the line from that movie,"Build it and it will come!". Ya gotta
"be there" AND
"be here now!"!

FOR NOW THOUGH I WOULD JUST Bide MY TIME-abide EVERYTHING.How

bad could it all be anyway? They really must have a little too much free time to
watch me with
mine. The best way to watch "them" is by playing DUMB which means dumber than
THEM-
which means ? I better know the clues before I give them away. Now what do I do
that
is so interesting? Must be all about SEX! Alright then I'll give them some. I
could do with a little
claim-staking of my own body-space right now! I'll just be myself and watch
along with everyone
else-yeah,put my leg into the tub,swooping calf to theigh,points in a line with
weeny hairs with lit-
up droplets-swollen folds in between-snow-halos on the branch thru the window.
Its just like being alone really except there seems to be a reason for things
now but if our
minds are really in "illS" image than what could I care of OTHERS except to GIVE
to SHOW?
But what can we give- can we have a story to tell untill it has ended? But since
my story is being
told now-it must be ended. How come it feels more like a beginning? A beginning
of what tho
Just where does YOU and THEM break off? Where does their FLUFF turn into your
STUFF?
Just where does it turn? Where exactly does a wall begin and a door end ? Maybe
walls can turn
into doors? Even if your naked what really is there to hide? Let your story be
told! Attention
shoppers naked girl on asle 10! Oh Kyle if you were only here now! But he is TOO
big and it
DOES hurt-unless,well,...an emptiness craves a fullness- a full one to be empty-
the walls have
purpose if only for this "in-betweeness" but isn't this exactly where it hurts?
Why this
BLOCKAGE at all? Go past the pain. "Kiss my ass you creeps! JUST LOOKING, is no
excuse
-your still walking on the carpet whether you buy or not!", I screeched as I
jamed my ass up
 27

against the spy-hole. If they want to make something out of my SKIN then I will
expose the
transparency ot their threads! If they want to make my simplicity into a
performance-then I will
"act" it with the utmost ofpurposefullness! I will show them the meaning of the
primitive-that to
put a bridle on ones nature does not make it tame but WILD!
But being without clothes or codes is never real anarchy but only the very
legitimacy that
they fein for it always comes first. Suck my ass you horney degenerates! My butt
hung out high
over the hip mantles like a lush net overfull with smothering heaving fish.
Plain ole' dirty love-we
DO use each other thats what it really is isn't it? It only works when you got
your mutual hands
caught in it -plush pillows ofpink-pale hues gripped so tight it doubles up its
surface thru fingers
of meaty partitions offilthy sordid SHAME! Girls are "NEVER" really ALWAYS
ready-Iike THEY are anyway. So the first criminal act is always just
aknowledging and USEING
these "in-betweens" by a wink and a nod in just doing a favor and expecting just
maybe an
ADEQUATE favor in return.
Is this the COMMUTE from sadism to masichoism from play to work from dancing the
spectacle to the voyorism ofit ,that makes every last orgasmic gasp a CONSPIRACY
of barriers
and their transactions. That is why I choose to stay nude forever-even whithin
my clothes-every
move done ill wholesale ecstasy blinding them from anyone particular
fetish,keeping them in the
whole of blurring sensuality so to avoid their hardening gaze between secretly
sealed rooms that
enable the hording of our spirits into power BLOCKS that warp our very nature
into a artificial
custornization of mere style and appearence-an armour they want to cover up even
put doors over
the peepholes ofhuman existence! Because every wall IS a door -one is never
homeless nor ever
in msT rags for there is never a savage only a native. The only true nature left
them "to PEEP"
so perverted by the privatness of their properties that the manifestation of our
being is no longer
from any such point of origin but at the very confluence with the other they
want to separate
from!..For we all come from the very same place and they always look right THRU
us if they
don't know that! They will always only see thru to another wall offear and
suspecion-till they
realize their own nakedness and know that in truth their REAL self has always
refused to become
ANYTHING! This wrong individualization of karma that
is by difination an "interface with the other" has made a capital formation of
somthing into its
opposite, a forbidden "communal terror!"
Therefor stay inside-stay subjective in the universal spirit and your true
"free"
 28

will will be found.

I truely had a bath! One that washed me in the sins of my fathers and mothers! I
felt I would never
be unclean again! I went without fear now to that hole ofjudgement in the mirror
where I knew I
would see the essense of the unclean still. I put my eye up to the glass and the
pits opened to
swollow me-I saw the eye-not of my mother and her cronies but the eye of Kyle!
Whirling and in
darkness I fainted as my heart was crushed into death.

.
ZZZzzzzzzzzzap! Tilt! Overload! Shut-down! Reboot! Bi-orifice electro-convulive
probes
in anus and mouth What am I? One of so many whatever I am-what is an "I '? I
must be
unconscious but feel strangely even more alive! Cart before the horse cause your
already there
and haven't even really left yet! The reson for what now exists may not exist
yet-what happens
"next" still the only thing that matters. Were not doing the trauma over and
over ,not just
"chillin"-the chill is gone! What come NEXT the only thing that matters.
The long cylinders of acrylic covered circuitry really only a pressure against
my inner
membranes but he talks about breaking the blood/brain barrier with 14,000 jules.
~ !the socialization ofa market without actual production-only relations but
between who? What? The market itself? With no interim states of consciousness
allowed all only
fixed identities- then what data needs to be exchanged per RELATIONS anyway?
Just marginal
surplus info contracted OUT or general stock inventory -an active element paid
to watch the
inert? Watching for what? Even the watchers are watched to make sure they are
properly in the
center with no boundries. A quiet base for relationships breeding only a
heuristic ethetics of
careing,loveing,maily ofjust noteing signs of boredom and decay ofwhich of
course there is
much. Most particularly is watched those who may be severely wounded,profoundly
FLAWED,
with an unalligned ego-just too "female" to really provide the last names of the
children. Those
not being true to type,people locked into their own unconscious orve,people
distracted from
being ON- TASK. Statistical apparatus is used to weed these defects out by
useing the"
legitimacy" of Insurance actuaries in a universalized political way to target
those with RISK
POTENTIAL. Time to go I was due for Shock therapy.
 29

No signs like all signs! It only matters if your not getting any! I'm getting it
good-or "was"
anyway, so it doesn't matter. Thank god-reality;no bargaining on it-just ''as-
isness''-like all the
water in the world yet very little to actually drink. Like nakedness as all
there is. She is
there and I am here-Dawn Waterglass her name-me Hank blublock-phyc-nurse,how do
you
do?...Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm sorry but you DO need to be voided ZZZZZZZZZZZaaapp! Its
not just ,
me its the rules. I hear all his thoughts-Ahhh!...but what I
expierence is mom. STOP TICKLEING ME MOMMY! Its not fun anymore. ..its. ..1 W
ANNA
GO! Is she just tickleing me or actually foolin around? Your a slut for kids
arn't you mom? Or
maybe just hideing from yourself? Am I just a rag-doll to hide in? Daddy too
drunk again? OK
PUCK ME! But not if your afraid Oh No! Hey lady ifDad isn't even here at all
then don't stop
with me find that umbilical cord you saved and go back to YOUR Daddy too. Your
name would
have been enough-just don't "wear" me on your sleeves cause I don't want to show
you off
either.
Being forced to sleep but only for express purposes-to find the secrets hidden
there? The sleazy technician flipped the switch and an hydrolic lift positioned
itself so that
the two glass tubes moved closer inside me. The glum expressionless oaf suddenly
took on an
actual human gesture-his mouth opened a bit as saliva began to dribble out the
corners. I felt even
more dizzy-headed,about to go...but a insistant "r' kept me awake-sleep either
comes or it does
not-it does not. I always felt more WILLFUL in my dreams anyway. Somehow this
COVER of
sub-consciousness suggest SHAME...but WHY? What have I done? Only submit to
being
drugged,held back,to being :cased" with people on my CASE,but ifl still have
anything LIKE
.
shame left after all this then there is still hope that you will overcome it all
,shame too-for the very
essense of the pre-human is this guilt and then comes the HIUMAN-will chaffing
at the bit here-
about to bolt for the gate;like any good barbarian-for how can a decoy prison
keep anyone? But I
feel so almost dead, so alone, yet- a tube of the Phallus rules over me,spewing
sparks grunting
mechanically and as usual just WAY TOO DAMN BIG! This tecnician creep begins
twitching,flinchingjerking,tryin to keep away any real emmotions. Now he is all
frozen again with
unblinking cold steely eyes piercing my nakedness, my helplessness with his
corpse-like persona.
Again he submits to his twitches and inspects me up close his drool dangleing
over me-1 see what
 30

he sees smell what he smells-gamey pungent aromas,hot irridescent down,prickly

pores,moley
moles each two moles apart,very small moles like freckles,flouresent-blues
viens.an arm that folds
like a tiny blanket just so perfectly around stubby pits. Stuffed belly meat
buttoned-down navel
into glimmering white sleek sheets of pulp.
I recognize her agian as Dawn Waterglass,upstart at large-no more. A pretty girl
who knew no
shame-till now-her dis-approval is less than incidental now. HA! I can feel her
animal busting to
get out-but she can not heip but surrender now! She is about as much mine as
MINE can get!
Look! Just as I bumped the gurney a spat of eddies flutter across her breasts-
Iook! she grimaces
and clinches her fists-her thieshold will be so high as to never sieze again no
matter what the
contradictions-she will make the leap offaith or reasonable facsilimili thereof-
mounds of her body
ache for my take-over-she sweats like a whore in July Her jiggly butt meat oozes
from round her
boney hips-she cries for freedom but I give her only what we have JUDGEMENT
Alas! It is never meant to be a real TRADE,a "my place or yours" but rather an
actual "world-
event"-shocking as it is,"there is just no such thing as NORMAL sex anymore.
The tech thinks:...Fuck, there is nothing here really,cept what I must purge
out.At least we
do know their flaws and can START OVER by erasing them! Whatever is left will be
made
stronger by its weakness-in fact their hippie motto,"dubito ergo sum" will be no
more! I am
saving her really she will be quite marketable I am sure. She is very lucky. She
is so frail,her tits
are seeping her mouth drooling, the auror of her aureoles as if nursing the air
itselt1
I hate "hearing" him Oh Mom,your monument offear gave you a heavy yoke didn't
it?
Dad warned you about insanity in the family didn't he? You would be oh so
PREPARED
wouldn't you? Try to pre-emp it-better to be barren than to abort-even tho yopu
did it after the
fact ,figuritivly speaking. Yes except for the laughter of the TICKLE you used
to cover your
fears. Your "watch" would help to ward offany symptoms with laughter. You would
ward
yourself off too since what you really needed was locked so tight within you and
required no risks
at all even with me. Yes Dad and me DO want what you
have there se'aled inside you but that makes us into vampires as far as your
concerned. So you
look deeper inside,hide more inside,a viscious cycle that left you terrified and
loveless except for
that resounding echo of laughter -one never really laughs alone but YOU do
mom...you do-could
you find me if you ever did come outside? I wonder. Maybe your afraid ofwhat
really makes us
 31

tick. Tick-tock. Times up! I got it! Your covering up the very natural nature
ofnon-work with
WORK! But maybe this is what mothers do so it is all work after all! ls this a
secret I
should not know? Is that why you would FORCE me to sleep at 5:00 PM? re-
production
or real relations ofproduction?...has the GROUND tainted the FIGURE with signs
of its own?
 32

Your breasts should have multiplied but instead you just watched as we fought
for the teat!
Watched as dad drank it all up and even tho he was poor he was after all a "man"
and tho not a
"bum" was still OUTSIDE the law wasn't he?Because he W AS the law! Yes it was a
SECRET
wasn't it-the reason you held back-the very ground of your maternal
consciousness broke the
figure of legitimacy as all became a suckeling babe at your breasts!

I felt myself waking up------head scrambled like sunday morning eggs-but I

could make out the
words: " A little shocking isn't it, when there is no soap and water to smooth
over the jolts?"
I stammered without uttering a word- Terra went on; "Its always easier to sin
and be punished at
the same time-its pretty hard to repress a double-bind when its being
articulated"PHYSICAL Y"!..when its all in the head-it hurts, -
"well", I ,
finally manged to mumble, "Why do they do it then?" / "Don't want
you to act-out or UP, want to keep it all in abstract values,keep it mystical so
their totems will
work-they want to purge you so they can bid up their mystique,so inexact codes
will work."

"Codes!.....CODES AGAIN! ... Look they wouldn't even notice you if you didn't
transgress a little ..God forbid you
should show any APPEASEMENT but even though you show SPUNK-a willingness to step
outside the lines-they DO want you to see the lines! ZAP! OUCH! / ---" So your
saying
they want the straight-and-crooked?" / ~- "Well",she thought a
little,"Yeah! A little ZEN-LIKE mysticism---the system ain't perfect but put
your subjectivity
"out there" and you can bridge any gap!" ! "I like my subjectivity in
here", I said pointing to my still grogy head. Any way whats so mystical about
attacking me with
bolts of electricity?" ( --~ "Dawn there is an old german
saying,"When the sexes become too similar-there is war".
/
"Oh, thats bullshit but it does feel kinda like it though "'
"Yep. war doesn't cause itself -the stress comes f1fSt yOur suffering from pre-
trawnatic stress-

we all are and yet what can you do till the mystique take over. At times like
these when the non-
war becomes unbearable, I cut myself see?" I ---She raised her arm to show a
slew
of scars -scars healed over and new ones over those.
"In these times only sheer WILL feels anything-to OVERCOME
something,anything,becomes an
obsession-you must do it or you loose it" / "Loose what?"
"Your WILL!"
"There must be another way!"
"Some choose signs-signs of their own-do it symbolicaly."
"What signs?"
Terra shook her shoulde~ in wonder,"I don't know",she said. ! --"Oh,
 33

I thought you knew." "No,

thats one of them,one of the signs",she lifted and dropped her shoulders again,
"Will-F A TE,one
affects the other-nothing is ever caused just opened. "You'll get it
eventually"-

"If your just "almost" there ;your still actually in the most wrong place but
one you MUST
go through before you get where your going, right? " "
Yeah, it hurts!"
"Youve GOT to see CHANGE is about BOTH places!" "
Did you do drugs too Terra? Is that why you cut your arm? Is that why your here?
/ " No, I,
told you why I cut my ann" Why am I here? My father thought I might leave after
the baby
was bom..he needs me...wanted me released ONLY to him You see my Mom has cerebal
palsey
he works so he needs me to care for mom He said I was crazy just to get me put
in his charge."
" Are you crazy though maybe a little?" ~~ / "1
live in my dreams and they want your dreams OUT THERE like I said" Terra took on
a glazed
look as she looked far away,"I have no idea who the father of my baby is-I don't
even remember
fucking anyone! I carry my mom,into mthe bathroom,everywhere,arrange her for sex
with my
dad-shes so shriveled! I am attached to her-l I'm her mirror image."
"Did your father ever touch you Terra?" ---/'Of
course not! NEVER,"/' --~ "OK
OK no offense! Just leave your scars alone!/ She was picking at th~m.
"Terra? How can you articulate a trauma in order to end it in a mystical system?
I mean
really!"
"REALLY?" reality has nothing to do with it THA TS the crux of their symbolic
order! Its like
with the "signs" like I told you my ann-a stand- in for their INVISABLE HAND -of
course in
 34

this case the symbol is a little more real than the actual one-mine bleeds! I
guess untill we get
out of this looney-bin we are locked OUTSIDE their coding formations thats why
its so
hard...but you know what?/ --"What?"
"THEY, are locked INTO their codeing system!"
"Well, will somebody please be allowed to wander around and look for the key!"
We laughed
and finally the tension and fear was gone. Terra was a good friend.
"Hey, my father is outside the codeing order!" "
Really? "
"Yes, When I asked him once why I had to carry around everywhere this DEA TH-
CARRIGE
that was my mother-he just said because I AM YOUR FATHER AND I MAKE THE LAWS!
The law maker must be outside the LA W in order to make it it-right?
"1 guess,but without the child (us) he wouldn't be a father!"
"Thats right I never thought of that! Kewl! Mmmmm...cept thast were in here and
he is out
the~ "Hey! Lets
put OUR subjectivity OUT nIERE/ ~ You forget
one thing for that Legitimacy of the FATHER-you need;besides a child a MOTHER---
--US!
"Correction! We ~'were" mothers.?'
"No. We ARE mothers-but something has gone all wrong with the codeing system-
people either
locked IN or OUT and-the only other altemativ~THEF ATHER-whichis really an OUT
_LA Wt
Lookm what they did to us! Some wayOVER-codeing going on here! By this SHOCKING
enhancment of certain ritual sexual positions they have created more than codes
or a system of
signs-they have given values of capital to those signs, some of which must show
legitimacy of who
produced what! (women do not have to show anything but their bloody cunt ) Since
a bodily
orafice is too REAL for their symbolic exchange s-ystem the ONUS is on the MAN-
the
FATHER! Who is really on the oUTSmE...an OUTLA W Mmmmmm something is
wrong with this picture-so now everyone must put their subjectivity OUT THERE in
a mere
NAME! A SYMBOL! The CODES have taken over our humanity! REVOLUTION NOW!
Maybe if we put objectivity OUT THERE and keep subjectivity where it is the LA W
can be
accessed without such criminal capital formations of the ego!
"WOW TERRA YOU ARE GOOD!"
"Thank you"
"But ya know I heard all this commodification stuffbefore...can't yajust smoke
ajoint and forget
about men and their egos and stuff?" :-c-~~- -"Dawn, this is
stage TWO...were way past commodification now...or just smoking pot THIS IS LE
FAUX GUERRE!"

"FAUX GUERRE?
" Its a war where no actual bullets are exchanged. All war is high-speed cultual
clash-and what
is culture but SIGNS? Look its like the legitimacy thing with the man being
proclaimed
 35

FATHER -the one with the name -the sign to claim the child as ms-as we've said
he can not do
this without a CHILD or a motherSO-which REALL Y comes first-the man or the egg?
Its really
BOTH! If you want to side-step the whole over-coded signs of the system-do what
people like us
have always done- WORK THE SYSTEM! GET GAME! You go the symbolic order one
better! Use a symbol for the symbol! Actually looping back to the original
formations! So
without even knowing who the father is,or even having a baby for that matter,you
simply
recognize the mutual need of each other and for legitimacy use that against
others outside the
order those who can't get laid or buy a house for the children etc and since its
all OUTSIDE the
law at first anyway ,BEFORE actuallegitimacy-you create a FATHER or PIMP "first"
THEN
proceed accOrdingly!"
"Yeah Terra but ifHE is a PIMP what does that make us?"
"Terra! WISE UP! Who really knows who the father is for sure these days? COME
ON!"!"
"We need a new system!" "
But its all still displaced contradictions Terra its still CRIMINAL based on an
outlaw or
father!" "Look
Dawn,remember your "cart-before-the horse " theory?" "yeah."
"well you know that people like us, without credit,can't even get the cart to
put first-can't afford
 36

it! Can't even get the horse either! Thats why the truth is you have to put
YOURSELF up first!
Before the horse before the cart before everything!:/ --"They don't take people
as collateral Terra!"

"Well what did you mean exactly by,"cart-before-the- horse ?" ---~"Well you do
start with
yourself -your ideas-you build credit-you have faith-you "
" DAWN! DAWN! YOUR OBJECTIFYING YOURSELF AGAIN...there is no mystique out
there its a concrete system! I already told you how to do it the ONL Y way to do
it GET
GAME!" / ---' "well, its
still criminaL..but maybe your right...its the only way for artists anyway. / -
"ARTISTS!
Its the only way for ANYONE during LE GUERR!;/ I "I know-A
WAR WITHOUT BULLETS signs exchanged outside the LA W ...1 still don't see why we
can't
change the law instead of go outside it?" / ---"I explained! Everyone
really does! Men anyway!" ~--- "Yes, but don't we need at
least some kind of illusion of order?" / -~-- "Its too late for that Dawn-the
process has started PRE- TRAUMA TIC- STRESS remember?
"yeah, because the sexes are too much the same?"
"Because the symbolic order has collapsed the whole damn signifying chain
!BECAUSE WE
KNOW NOW THAT WE ARE ALL OUT-LAWS!" -~ "OK OK! I
admit EVERYONE IS CRAZY -but why a war without bullets?" -~- "Their codes
are based on SECRECY the secrecy of the FATHER! OF THE OBJECTIVE WILL no
subjectivity at all except whats-OUT THERE
you see, they have humanity backwards!
Anyway the whole point of WAR is culture as I said-and social control.Fear is
enough
for now to change the codes." --"OK but NO BULLETS RIGHT?"
"My GOD,yo~bsessed with bullets! OK of course there will be bullets eventually-
SO WHAT?
THAT INCillENTAL!"

"INCIDENTAL!!!" A
"Death is a part of life-it is not automaticly BAD-its death ~ gives meaning to
life...look Dawn
when the old order breaks down you need a new one-right~awn: Look. Its like
sleep-we awake
to life only to see whats keeping us from sleeping-reality is quite different
than we think."
"Terra, you know I think you are very very sad-youve let them take your soul
your subjectivity
and tell you that only an objective minded robot can control the very mysterious
world out there-I
don't think its all that mysterious-maybe a little disordered but I don't think
we can solve that
with a new world order <§ our own ego- I think if we instead listen to that
quiet mystery that is
inside us-not way out there- then maybe we will see the world take the nearly
perfect fonn it was meant to have
when created. The war dawn is within us."
"well, you have a point...war as I said does not cause itself-I told you its
already here-in my
 37

head and in many others-its YOu who fails to see this. You know its like a song
that you can't
remember in your head late at night as you lay in bed...a word comes here,a note
there, but you J
know you won't recall it before you drift off but you still feel you can't rest
untill you
remember-its gotta come Dawn---War." -:~--' "You know Terra,you take
a deep breath before each sentance you speak?" I -"I know you kinda HAVE to
DAWN."
I know...but you do it so........well." "Uh,.. thank
you." We smiled at
each other but I knew my friend was lost for she could see the decadence around
her but saw no
solution but its destruction-its a hard time to be hopeful.
"Do you know your sister is cornming to see you tomarrow?" "Oh
my God really?"
"Yes,she came yesterday but you were in "SHOCK".

Carol flittered into the room with sedulous seemliness as she did finally settle
herself with
her various personal items and prceeded then to methodicaly smooth the folds in
her skirt.
"Hello 007!",1 said with acid mockery.
"Now Dawn, I only know that Kyle did that peeping simply as an innocent part of
his research-a
study on the unemployed and its discontents." I ---"Me? Oh I feel ,
so reassured now" / ~ "SInce he lost that
job cause of you he said you DO have to go to work though.'/ -"Well thank god I
didn't
listen to him before!" / -~ -"How are you Dawn?"
"Fine",I said nastily."Hows my baby?"
Well, fine,..
"WHAT..~WHAT IS IT?"
"Nothing its just that he will need some hormones to decend his testicals" / --~
"OH
MY GAWD!Carole are you jealous of me and Kyle?' .
Of course not,I am far too well-rounded for that" / -~ -"Well
rounded? Well good"..I said holding back a laugh. --"Can I ask
where Mom is and why she allowed this spying?'~ "I am not sure
she wanted you both to have an income,..I uh,...think she got something too."
"OH GREA T! I am a gold-mine even when I am strangely unemployed -well the gold
rush is
over I am staking my own claim!-when am I getting out ofhere! "Soon
Dawn. its just an evaluation thing "It better
be-whats Mom doing?" "Well, she's
comming soon shes urn working on a coat-of-arms she put it together from a
family tree!"
"Oh family -tree well tell her to add another branch and come check it out in
person!-I think we
need a whole shitload of balls to descend around here pretty damn quick!-I'm
gonna name the
baby Incubus or succubus depending on the sex which maybe we'll never know now-
good!
he,it,can suck the life out of itself and put it right back-he'll be born with
immediate GAME!"
"What?"
"Oh never mind-why is the family tree more important than me?"
 38

"Well there seems to be some uncertainty about just who is our fathers...you
know she was
seeing both at the same time for a while. " "I know
it! They never did a DNA?" "No I
don't think they did"
"Crazy."
"Whats this succubus thing?"
"Its a pagan god or godess,sucks blood -does the opposite of my milk here, which
adds value and
starts a whole economJ-only thing is-the original creator-like the farmer-gets
diddly squat after
all this testical adding and such. " I--~-- "HUH?"
"I told you its nothing!"
Dawn its a little bundle of JOY!"
 39

"They shouldn't cut the cord-we got a over-production of babies" ! --~ -"- ~ "OH
DA WN!" I -~-~- "No, I
mean we need the cord-why does everyone think the only one to deserve joy is the
LAST one to
cut the cord!" / -~ "Dawn I don't
understand you are they giving you some pills?" / ---"1 wish!" You know
if you have a baby too soon before your ready like if your still a child
yourself-its a bastard
anyway no matter who the father is" / -~ "Kyle is the father-
right? I --"Who cares its about
me now its all about me and incubus! You know when you stop being a child and
become a real
adult~ mother or father? / -~ "When Dawn?"
~ When the tire hits the road and moveing is finally just HAPPENING destination
happens right
there then! No body is driving and nothing is being driven its just life
happening BANG! then
your an adult and you got baby! Your ready to finally really SHARE your life
then and then
whether legitimacy is formaly there or not it doesn't matter cause like a
spinning planet your
secured center of gravity sucks all legitimacy from wherever and from everywhere
right to it-with
the wind in your face anywhere is instantly possible everywhere is there So why
do they
pretend like there is a big secret to be learned to show you the right place? I
don't know but tell
MOM,tell Kyle, I will find out.

I couJdn't stand jt anymore I was gojng to find out. just. what. was going on in
t.his place
t.onight! It was about 3:45 when I got Terra up and convinced her to come with
me to explore
thjs pit of deviancy. We tip-t.oed down t.he hall wit.hout. even seejng a guard
where t.here should
have been one. We cam to a door with soundswwierd sounds emmanating from
whithin,We quietly
pushed the door open ever so gingerJy:TUBES AND TITS everywhere!."..,",Fifteen
dead
princesses sat smileing dumb in a rowwwith faces of cracked while skin peeling
like
snow..." remjnded me ofa poem.Frost.ed vats became resivors of the mot.hers
drink-all around
me against the walls girlswtopless girls nurseing their babies and these
vat.sThey were milkin it for
everythjng it. was worth. The nuclear so unclear-the unit-family-unjt.t.hat js.
Love so grasping!
Pump it all out! How can they distill it down any further than this? These
little tykes would .1
t.hought take jt aJl back before this impossible discourse t.o t.he very
beginnjng of geneology! The
social glue itself our kids our ancestors and us-back to even Adam and F.ve\ The
pre-exisling
socia] link but inst.ead they are about. to purge out. thjs very essense
forever! There precjous
 40

, SECRET will be gone! The cord will not only break but completely SHATTER\ .1
shouldn't
wat.ch but. just. bejng wat.ched by these cameras-makes me ]ook aJJ t.he harder!
This is t.he scource
of the BUZZ going round! They will shatter the primordialmemory-the first word
and in\age
made! Even the first utterance that. came prior to that.! The mot.her -the
child-the symbol the oder
cast like a net but will never catch anything again\ Fleeting images only
captives of the rnind-
solit.ary captives.castrat.ed as they are from emptiness to unconsciousness-
like fish gasping on t.he
dock! "Twinkle,twinkle little star; how I wonder what you are?"-the
words on a sign with a happy yellow pentagram up high on the wall behing the
young mothers.
One girl with a very large breast-all but consumed by an eye-like nipplewhich
seems to stare at
me-hypnotize me-I swear it SEES me! So completely sees me! It even makes me see
it in its own
unique way-like the moving road against that tire"we both wiggle and swerve
allover like the
babes tongue that was pulled away just before..just the TASTE of i.t...0f this
moment togelher both ,
together making a TASTE! Neither alone enough but the loop between going even
BEYOND -like the yogis say:not the flavor even but the honey itself-Lost in this
whole-the womb.at home.
At-tonement-now r know what is seen is the view itself yes! The very connection
itself-still a part
of that first and last empty cry when that nipple is first pul1ed away! The baby
cries more
completely than any later longing will ever cause. Yes it will always hurt from
now on. How did I
get so "in-the-middle of this? Which child is mine? .1 will "we" will never be
tbe same now!
.IJeaky human udders-t.iny mu]eing critters"spittleing and smerking such
multitude of oders all
turned into a' JOB? Babies used to just prime our pumps? All thru tbe agency of
the nipp1e?
Another sign says;"'Ifyou can make it-make it a boy!" They seem to wallow in it
all-their smiles
covering something up! It does take a village! So much milk like one huge stock
buy-back-nol
one drop lost! Everything else just t"toothpaste"..just the unwashed-daddies and
un-daddies alike!
And no girl ever 1ooking at another! Like a human dairy farro!n The bossoms see
it all even
themselves seeing yes! Ya gotta. look BOTH ways when crossing the market just
like mom always
said-or your really HALF*BLIND! You have to work backwards from the climax too
Of you turn
into a mere mumrnur or whisper behind someones back! Cut my cord then -go ahead
then string it
up into extensions all over the ceiling! Take my grace-take my true orvre right
out of me then put
up a sign like that one,"RETURN TO THE LAND OF MAKE-BEL(EVE!" but the sign
doesn't
 41

say it al]-it doesn't say OR ELSE! thats why this is no matter of national
security and no
matter of advanced science but a slaughter of the innocent .take down the signs
and put up a
I
picture of a buffalo masacre as the western train diso]ves into the herd! And
take down too those
disney cartoons pasted over the cracks in the wall.take down that american flag
too-slares made
of chocolate from a box without a map-that cucifix too! Only crossed fingers of
a snickering god
that knows a11 too well that the apocolypse will change everything...E',
VERYTHING! NO
MA TTER HOW DEVIOUS YOU HA YE TRIED TO MAKE IT! Its over now.
We scampered back down the sanitized hallway,dashing this way then that-and then
burrowed like ferrets well into our beds. The missing nurse was luckily STILL
missing. A world of
natural evolution and human intervention,riseing and probably setting-at the
same time! A world
that will be commanded into existence and rationalized by crudeness of raw
fortune. All that stuff
about,"Face yourself in the mirror!",Yet it was in fact about how we could NOT
face ourselves in
the mirror as THEY did! "Hey Terra, "I whispered,"You OK?"
"
Yeah I guess so. I
hissed as loud as I could,"1 saw something else!" It
said my birth was induced early by an herb called "pennyroyal" ."PERPETRATOR
UNKNOWN".
"Wowwww",terra howled with a quiet drawn-out breath. "
Yeah, I wonder who did it? I bit my lip and ran my eyes back and forth over the
dimly lit ceiling.
"1 saw something else about you",said Terra pulling up her blankets .
"What?"
"Something about your mother and, "unconventional relationships"
Of course the very next day Mom was there to visit.
Who was "MOM" really? An undercover ag;nt for Kyle-and who the hell was "HE"?
She looked a bit disheveled-but NICE, very nice.
"Hows the commute Mom?",1 tease.
"What?..no,...1 don't commute anymore-1 don't have to now-my stock split-thought
I told you? I
just ,"cruise" now-never have to see one damn freeway sign!" "Oh
wow,cool!",1 say incredulously,IS TillS REALL Y MY MOM HERE?
 42

"Don't look so shocked Dawn-I just changed,thats all. Ever since I started work
on our Family
Tree-I realized its not where your going but where you have been!" I was more
than curious but still so distracted with my own unique problems,"Oh yeah?".
I wanted to get on to other things.
"Yeah, its all in the genes ya know" \'i
"Not ALL of it Mom",I mumbled, I thought you were just checking out our
inheritance?"
"I was. ..1 was, but I realized its not just about claiming your money its about
claiming your \
heritige as well. Its all inivitable really",she giddily announced. "Not all of
it
Mom, look Mom thats all good but tell me what kind of friends do you have I mean
what are they really into?" "Huh, ah. ..you
know them. ya see Dawn,I know its tough in here but ya know that expression,
"ITS ALL
GOOD"? "Not all of it
Mom..." "Ya see, its
true as Carole says,I DID suffer quietly for so long,but now I realize that even
in the most
ordinary offixed routine-in suburbia OR in the city-doesn't matter really,there
are always the
same number ofrabbit-holes to go down-ifyoujust...well...the Bible says,"just
lower your net"---
-right where you are WHEREEVER you are-you buy land,you sellland-feel your
soverignity,and
you can't ever really sell THAT! "MOM!",finally I burst into her rhitious
chatter with a fierce shout,"Have you ever used an herb called PENNYROY ALE-
didn't you
used to use it for your knee?" "She was somewhat startled,"Uh! no, I
don't think so" "How "bout Carole?"
"I don't know-why?"
"Nothing....nothing , It wasn t tIme to actually accuse her
"Mom, why did you always talk so much to Kyle about me and Carole-alonejust with
him? Its
funny, the more you got involved the more distant he would get. "Dawn!
What are you saying?",She finally gave me a piercing and hurt stare. "1 don't
know Mom, did you did you "like" Kyle too?" I girded myself rigid with
trepedation.
"OH DAWN I can't believe it! Can't believe you said that!," shaking her head now
paceing the
room heading toward the door,"I'm old enough " "1 know,to
be his mother."

Mom always seemed to really enjoy us living with her-I mean without ANY
reservations at
all-even tho we were almost 30 now.
"Don't leave mom.!... Mom, do you really want me and Carole to get married?" "Of
course Mom,how come you never stayed with any of our fathers?" "You
know why Dawn, first there was the one with drinking problems "
"NO.no,no, first there was YOUR concern for his drinking which first was not a
real
problem,your concern for what your friends would think,then your concern for
US,you couldn't
leave us even to go out with Dad for one night,not even for one night,no baby-
sitters for you they
 43

were all "hippies",. WHY Dill YOU spy ON ME IN THE SHOWER!"There,I said it, a
weight rolled off my chest, I lost my fear ofher now but also her too-my mom was
dead!
"Its OK Mom, I know about Kyle doing research on me,anyway that hole was there
before that",
at least I could bury her gently. "I am not
your enemy Dawn, I am your Mother!",she scholded me as ifI were akid,tumed and
opened the
door. "Mom,I am just
trying to find things out" "Well don't try too
hard, you'll only find out that we never can win, WAKE UP TO REALITY,USE YOUR
MENTALITY" Frank
Sinatra? Irving
Berlin,Dawn I'm not saying you can't win a little but its not ever gonna be as
you imagine it will
as a kid. I closed my
eyes,heaved a sigh and fell back in my bed pulling the pillow over my face-
almost in tears. "You
 44

just said you could win a lot" "Yeah but then you
reminded me you were in a looney-bin" "So it IS a looney-bin!"
" A government center yes,look Dawn I don't have all the answers",she was red-
faced and
breathless and sank back in her chair to confess. "So I was
homey sometimes,never be embarressed to love" "Well if your not-
I WILL BE" "WHY?"
"Because,the closer you get-the more I pull away and the more I pull away the
closer you try to
get till eventually we fight!" "so what!
Thats life!" w "No,thats
lesbianism!" "Its bigger
than that-its LIFE! It may need greater articulation thats all.Stay idealist-it
can't be quantified its
trauma,no quid pro quid go MATERIALIST and its a BARGAIN!"
,
"Did you and Kyle "articulate" my breasts!" ,
"We didn't do it for sex but for money!"
.
"Glad to know that,1 feel much better now. Thank god with proper secret
representation and
cataloging these can be kept separate and never the twain shall meet -even tho
one is under
erasure by being symbolicly included and the other by being nearly excluded-
thank god there is
no blurring or confusion!" We sat slumped over and exasperated
neither feeling like figuring out what the other said.

"Whats the remaining soverignity of a second hand sign?" Finally I threw a rope
into our
welling pit of vacuous restlessness:"What is the remaining soverignity of a
second-hand-sign? Or
one just so worn down? Maybe theres a validity for one who never was symbolized
before but for
one used to a real TITLE something so worsted is hardly substantial if it can be
changed or
atenuated,I mean what is it CODE FOR THE DA Y? Thats no code its a label that
can be easily
ripped off at ones convienence-it is either a constant,a v~ue from
anothetdemension or it is
NOT! "I think Mom you commuted for more than you know-you
liked that blurring of the real. Sex-even money was just a red-herring-an ACT
that would allow
you to define away a difficult UNCONSCIOUS so then you could USE MINE! But thats
not
what children are for! I won't be hijacked by you!
.
"Dawn you " ARE" sick! y our paranoid!"
"Not if they're really out to get you," as the saying goes,"Ifyou have MY soul
then you won't
miss the one you gave up to get child-support,alimony,and palimony!" "I had you
cause I wanted you Dawn" "Can you
live without me Mom?" "I
.
certainly can't."
 45

"Then that is not love,you would rather have any ole shoddy love the the real
thing!" "I am
more real with my slovenly nurosis than your'll ever be!" "I grat
you your gritty status-you deserve it-although its true too that IT ONL y
MATTERS IF YOUR
,
"NOT" GETTING IT!" and at least your getting it however slovenly it may be-but
ifbasicly it
only prevents you from "falling apart" then just how important is it-I mean the
only reason I
would fall apart anyway is because I might think I was REALL y missing something
IMPORTANT which apparently I am not-1 mean it only really gets you to ground
ZERO and
.
THAT really came before we even got here didn't it? From the slovenly nurosis of
those who
preceeded us,as you say mom about our heretige and stuff.You once asked me Mom
if you
should choose being a slave in someone elses castle or choose a little plot of
your own land- your
right to just stake your claim mom-because that is all it ever was about-not
even genes per se,1
mean at some point some Duke or something handed it down to their subjects-land;
like a little
country later became GRANTS for schools that went on to "educate" people about
just these
facts so they could eventually gain advantage to PURCHASE some such gleanings
from some
such commons which was paid fo~ ultimately from the very economy tMt grown from
protecting
the borders of such territory-I mean it was always SOVERIGN in SOME way wasn't
it? I mean it
never REALL Y did belong to the indians or "people" did it? "Your very cynical
Dawn", mom.stated with stem dissapproval. "Did you find our
~+
"Family Crest" or was it a "Coat-of-Arms" should be different but they am't are
they It got
BLURRED too did'nt tiey? Kids like me tip-offthis bloody smear don't we? Freedom
really IS
free-it cost nothing but the real taste for it is inherited. I am not your
dreams mom I am not the
birds at your window but I am their wings-
 46

Dawn your search for meaning questioning reality-that is very de-stableizing;the

vindication you seek is not transcendental but immanient;so much before you-it
is your child!
.
You have LIFE now Dawn! "I didn't have it before?"
"You have it so much MORE now Dawn!"
" I had a secret before-I was the SCOURCE-now I am just a bloody wound with it
all hanging
out! A bloody baby when before I had no W AS a DREAM incarnate myself!"
"Dawn!"
"NO! Its true 1 see it all now 1 remember it all ! When you last cheated on Dad-
the
last Dad right in the next room for GODS sake!.Dad was sick-too sick to move-or
so we
thought-I went to bed early that night-1 lay awake staring at the dark-1 heard
you send Carole to
watch that Dad did not try to get up- You kept saying to this lady ,"Your so
full of life!",I could
hear everything! Dad was very sick sicker than we thought! Carole got sick too -
something she
saw-about you and her-what was it?Oh yeah! I remember-I got up when I heard
WRETCHING!
Oh Gawd Carole ran to Dad and threw-up- Dad too, they vomited onto each other
and weeped-
Oh god! You had a STRAP-ON on ~.. a HUGE dildo shaped like a dick! It was
awful!. We
fell into our waste and cried like babies! Dad died that night and you kiJled
him and you tried to
~ my baby ." 1 was sobbing and clawing the walls and Mom was trembleing.
~-~- --~-
Dr .Burlington wore the world on his shoulders.He swept. the floor with his
eyes.he had a
weary lost look -orphan annie eyes,empty windows to nothing neath nearly
invisable eyebrows.
He seemed to take everything to heart but hide himself in an auror of disgust.He
savored every
word with soWenteSS. His tie was loose-the knot hung halfway to his chest-but he
wore his suit
coat anyway-he moved with slow-motion exactness which made you think he knew
what he was
.gonna say-I knew what he would say; he apologized for everyone but ME! "Your
having
trouble with your mother am't you Dawn?'"
" Yeah," I conceeded wistfully."trouble with everytbing-everybody-this whole
place-why are
you shocking me?"
He stared at the floor again then at me and froze a secoOO' "Something has a
hold over you
Dawn -something that makes you want tally to be on the most outer edge of
things.
Dawn there are a lot of bad things that happen in this world,but we don't scrap
the whole
system because of a few bumps in the road "BUMPS IN ruE ROAD! Youve got old
thick callauses man! They're MOUNTAINS!"
"You can't move mmountains Dawn but you can climb them!"
You climb them you made em! I'm gonna blast my way thru!'
 47

You talk with tongue in cheek you know you can't but talk like you really could!
Thats your
problem! You really live in this fantasy!"
I leaned way forward to feign the utmost confidence and said to the doctor,"The
bulk of fantasy
is in your world doc!"
"Maybe, well there is some but it never does any body any good whoever is doing
it"
"It does a lot of people good,they dream they grow,they move they dream again!
Its good!"
OK dawn alight but how bout adding a little hard work to those dreams!?"
I am not against the reality of hard work doc I am just against the cold
clinical axiomatic way of
it." "What do you '!lean?'
"I mean in the end N=A because of repitition-however you interpet things-the
world-is just that
interpetation because the second A is in a different time and place than the
first one! We just
"SA Y" they are the same! "Well thank god we live in a world where we can
exchange
parts universally Ha! Ha! It'll all come out in the wasb..nothing perfectly
matches of course"
"Ha! Ha! yourself why not? I mean rather than file things down a little you just
add value to the
codeexaggerate it,modify it...its your main business..its the business your in-
everyone nearly
today! Why? whats up? Your standards ofmeasurernent so heavily coded leaveing
nothing but
traces ofthe original tracks of where it all may once have 00en but the spirit
has long since
 48

departed from! .Fossils?"

"Axioms!" "The thing is you've lost the subject neath all these codes! Its all
petrified!How can
we make any progress at all? ...when any investment in the future bas to be
based on a proven
present? that is only pooped up with symbols? Obviously any reaJ prognosis must
be based rather
on a META-narrartive OUTSIDE it all-far from pregiduice? One that incltxles the
nature of
randomness? ~aJly when such varible are so concretely figured into the
equasioothat tl1ere
are considered FATE a part of life coded imide us way ~! We still use ~ ~ to
CONQUOR
but visulaize a generic win-win game with no where left to go? EXCEPT with these
contradictory axioms ~-and tre aIbitrary steps ~ on scarcity? HANG ON THE
CALVARY IS COMMING! ~ doctors wilt heal us save us! ~ male will become hero for
the savage indian of female mass consciousness..a morality not based on
materialist substance but on borders
and idenity based on this duality that puts both under erasure of the other!
Men locked
into the SjmbQ;lic woman still free to roam at a great advantage even as men
must forfiet their advantage. You still need authority and identity Dawn.
But in War its different!
Then you admit you move delibertly to the edge?"
YOU declared this battle Doc...YOU incarcerated ME remember? "Is it
really WAR?" You made the chiid
the resovoir of the unconscious and made the female a fellow combatant. The
stain of reality is now in the imaginary in the undeveloped child in the dreams
you put down!Hey we already got the job Doc. If it only matters when your not
getting it and we are-then it doesn't matter. Stop adding value when you know
your getting all the poontang you could want! Any good shrink should know this!
That the joke..the FIRST universal JOKE....YOU MADE A PROFIT ALREADY!...The
other got stiffed and you pretend to hand the savings on to me! ARBITRARY or
not..there is still less uncertainityDawn and one can seven then GO WRONG
through deliberate action if no other way.........Is that why even mild
disorders like mine are considered criminal now Doc?"
Is it criminal?
Well you try to heal trauma that is still happening partially caused by
you..thats criminal thats
war! An oligarcy of extream codes meant to keep people out.changing babies DNA
and theshold
of siezure? If what you say is true Dawn then natures model must be broken
at times to overcome entrnched axioms!
"1 never said DUMP NATURE!" I never said change anything...but the CODES! ruE
CODES!
OK good point Dawn but who is gonna do this YOU-and other 20 year old girls?
No...1 don't know...maybe but certainly not YOU you shouldn't have anything to
do with it!?
Why not
You don't have any interest in inflating the money supply with schemes of the
future.
Niether does anyone want that or at least J
"1 rest my case."
You can't rest your case here.it not just about you and me Dawn...
OH yeah don't I know it...its US against THEM then isn't it ISN'T IT?
Here we go! where do you really expect to go with this?
 49

I EXPECT TO STOP YOU DOCTOR!. This whole derivitive based shit that ride the
backs of
other people sellin space on their backs to the young who should inherit it.to
the higest bidder to
the most innovative fabricator-we need LESS EXCELLANCE in order to break the
monopoly
codes! Your percision world is so concentrated in on itself that it is
collapseing-the only REAL
people living on a shoe-string as they do are eaisily miised as they coast
downhill not knowing if
they are out of ~ or not cause they are coasting the only way to know is no wake
up just wake
up! And leave the trance of perfection but remember our dreams as we could not
when coasting
 50

when hynotized by signs that have their place but only as guides they can never
make us grow
strong. We can sleep-walk to the end or wake up and dream again anew! and maybe
anew again
and again till one day we wake up and sleep no more forever!

~ Another session gone badly.lt's all or nothing with these guys! Is it

just me or just everyone? All rhetoric all rhetorical all based on
presuppositions of acknowledged contention! All the same ole' story-sex
and glory -not for legend but for "legion" not if I have anything to say
about it anyway! Its all about THEM-even my side is seen from THEIR
side! Barbarians who own the gate- they want a free pass-even for "US"-
but the strong light of the next day reveals more fallen spies on both
sides than anyone realling standing their own real
ground? But we can can be victorious "as we sleep"
the night before battle and become an OVER-NITE SUCCESS-much a
fiction,of course,but if it works,if the fiction fits... well then go ahead,
and whistle in that dark cemetary...go ahead, be a double-agent as Kyle
now claims to be-l just talked to him on the phone.I even went ahead and
trusted him with our SARA TOGE techniques and told him how at one
point "0= l-where degrees of "nothingness" can accumulate to the same
level as that of minimum substance. Its not as fictional as you might
think since nothing is really inclosed except by the close proximity of
another partial opening. Its all relative am't we all? Even the myth
that we LIVE? ...only our only hopw-with toungue ftrmly in cheek-in
"my" cheeks-that battleground where the exchange is done- for love or
glory-the spoils that are made so real by the expense that is ME! A
currency held tight in their enclosures because they "SA y SO" and I
have no better fiction than
theirs face it, Kyle could not live up to his name if his life depended on it!
Make a name for himself I say. Better be alive now than live just for
some presumed time when you emrerge enough beyond the overlap of a
promise that might never come-even if you are in the end just a live
myth-better than an deadened legend! Look I told him nothing ever
fits! Not perfectly not all the time not so very tightly ever-EVER! And
that goes for his monstorous dick too! Its never for BOTH at the same
 51

time EVER! But even if you LOOSE-your still accounted for,your still
represented somehow! He suffers from liniar logic-he thinks that if you
turn a circle nothing has changed-its still a circle but its NOT the same
due to,if nothing else, YOU KNOW NOW! A zero becomes bigger
(there are degrees ofemptiness)a hole grows and everything else around
it!...because you've returned from, at least, a brightly conjectured
SOMETHING before settleing again for a (now) assured "nothing".
(Who needs that kind of assurance? better to have some hope anyway!).
How we approach the VOID,the uncertain, is far more important than
what is in fact lurking within it,eg. Take Carole; she wants to actually
SEE and FEEL her UNKNOWN however tentative,so that at least some
of it can likely be aborted at a later date. I see it all simply as one' big
FUCKIN COSMIC JOKE! but thats my FEAR too-signs are
interchangable either accidently or by design-thru S&M or by phycosis-
you decide. We are either master or slave-we HA ~. it or GIVE it- own
I
or be owned-otherwise we drift. I told Kyle about this too-about the

showers. I think he GOT it, but said it doesn't have to be this way and
that yes, I better do it all with a very big subjective grain of salt.l told
him about the strange "GESTURES" everyone used that was supposed
to remind us to UNLEARN what we learned from our "keepers"-the
shifting shoulders for the wiil/fate feedback loop-the fmger to the lips
for SECRETS ARE mDDEN INTERNAL FLA ws. I told him
everything. He said he guessed that new codes that serve only to =e.L
old codes are ok but still left one with nothing I reminded him of
the TURNING CIRCLE again and how we are mostly what we are not
supposed to be-that for example ,girls are prettier than boys and that
boys are always really MAD about this.. showing how they don't really
accept who they are-girls don't even get to be angry at all! Power always
has to be split up and shaky. I said we should move more to FICTION,
maybe "just" the dust from the wheels of karma but still a HALO OF
TRU11I-still comes from the tracks of
it ,
...its been 8 days since I've heard from him. I am worried.

whats he doing? He sounded FUNNY when I hung up-said

somehting about Robin Hood maybe being BAD on one side and, GOOD
on another but that ROBBING FROM nIB RICH AND GIVING TO
THE POOR had actually nothing to do with it-his purpose was to restore
the rightful heir to \ the
throne !
am afraid he may have gone to far down that rabbit hole he was
going to confront them about my release. He said all the "draining of our
milk" was done to research DNA that would stunt what they called an
EFFITE evolutionary mistake-a kind of reverse DELTA FUNCTION.
A vat made from MY milk in particular held great promise- for them. He
said he was aware too of research on umbilical cords-he said there were
over 800,000 umbilical cords stored there. He was more aware than I
realized of where at least PART of the bodies (so to speak) were
"buried".
Suddenly 3 men in white coats grabbed me -I struggled! They brought me to this
mirrored room!
 52

"What do you want

from me?"
"We want the CODE!"
"I don't have it!"
"Do you know about it-what it does?"
"It equates the unequivical."
"BABBLE! We know you want to negate the negation-explain!"
"We don't want to be taught to fish-we want to TEACH!"
"What then?"
"How to hold the pole".
.
"CUTE very cute! What is DELTA?"
"I am not sure-something about nothing-something about NOT fishing
and about fish NOT being caught something though about FISHING
---
HAPPENING. Something about common bonding causing true
expierence"
"But Kyle,you have it backwards
it is our common expierence together that gives us What we hold in common our
bonding,that must come first! This one true culture gives us the steadiness to
HOLD THE POLE.
YOu ARE WRONG!
THERE MUST BE SOMErnING TRUE FIRST only then can we
hold the culture-the bonds the pole-steady ...only then can we fish.

"You put the chicken before the egg Kyle-mysticism does not suit
you-you have lost your objectivity ,you have got too close to your little
object of study"
"What you call mystic I call DISTANCE-if I have filled in any gaps
frivolously it is only with that -men are still men,mountains are still
mountains-the only difference is my feet are a few inches off the ground-
distance comes flfst-we are not grounded by "back"ground. The infinite
is neither in heaven but in what bonds us the very shape of our
separation. The LA W is for the LA WLESS. The society you seek can
only come from un-privatizing the HORDE!
, Your lost.Is Dawn your leader now? Now
that your money is gone? Are you homeless?" " We
are not homeless---we just have so incredably wider horizens that they
are no suitably wide places available yet for the world we are moving
into. All who wander are not lost. We will get on a list that we create-we
 53

have marked our place."

"Your TRUE expierence your true WILL-your WAY to hold the pole all
mystic "CIPHERS" for mere commonly held beliefs that you in fact
want LffiERATED into HORDES! HA!"
"HORDE".
"What I say?"
"You said HORDES"
"HORDES,Horde whats the difference?"
"I don't know but Dawn says theres a difference, but its not a cipher its a
chiamus code,why don't you ask Dawn"
"You snooty aloof fool, Dawn is dying right now from an induced
insulin coma! HA! HA! HA!"
"LET HER GO! Freedom is priceless you can not own it with a
bar-code!" w :-- "We are only trying to
keep the individual will alive-it is YOU that is obsessing with control
and just precisly how one must hold the fishing rod-how to stay in the center
of the wheel; how to piss in a pot-that is in fact WHY you miss it-don't
even have one to YOU make FREEDOM "cost".not "us"!!!!!!!!!!!
"The only real expense is in learning this that it is FORCE alone
that demands valor to delibertly inflate what is natural into a determined
..~
state that preceeds all essense precisly to assure'material value is held in
place if one is guilty and doesn't know it-HE'S STILL
GUlL TY DAMN IT! However it is indeed now not a sin but a mere
DEBT! SO SHUT UP AND END YOUR CRUSADE! It is all only a
hole in reality not a zero-sum evening of the score. We all bleed and are
left to settle with less. We are all strangers in our own house-innocent of
whatever we are truely not responsible for-what devides us is what

unites us-two negatives multiplied equal a positive. We will never be

satisfied by being what we lack or hope to become only by being US
not "I". What we want is "AS IS" static death in terms of emerging from
mystic AGENCY into being a REAL OBJECT IN THE WORLD"
"IS TillS THEN YOUR DELTA CODE?"
"It is this and more."
" Well then, all I can say is that it certainly must be more simply
because your belief in cause and effect still claims FIRST CAUSE in
spite of the fact that such a phenomenoue would have to be the EFFECT
of something would it not? Toward this end you quite insanly search for
TRUE EXPIEREN CE before there can be any such thing! "
NOT TRUE! DEATH CAN BE FIRST in fact "IS" indeed and
ALWAYS was! The spirit is DEAD! FIRST LAST AND ALWAYS!
The Umbilical cord is alive yet it is not a part of anyone person it holds
all together- it is life but discarded but if we can but reaklize it can
NEVER BE! His the way the way to hold the pole! IN THE WORLD
 54

BUT NOT OF IT it feeds us sustains us yet is but a scar on our bloated

bellies of filthy worldliness!" "SO THA TS YOUR DEL m
CODE! GET IN!"with that the small man motions me to enter a tiny
steel cage !

"Back to your womb your cord maybe now you'll see that
each individual IS finally responsible for the consequences of his
actions! Hold your pole tight...you'll have to HAW
HAW"
His crew of insidious INSIDER side-kicks shoved and kicked me inside and locked
the door!
"ITS TOO SMALL ITS TOO SMALL! I screamed in understated
TERROR!" "HA! You have
become a little too big for your own karma I see! Feeling all alone now
finally Kyle yes, the cord IS cut time after time in case you haven't
noticed little thinking man!" "
YOU cut us off from GOD!"
"Your spirit is dead or will soon be- I grant you that!"
"But you make death separate! thats why this is not the result of my
actions" " DO DRUGS GO TO
JAIL! you want to know all the answers dig down deep tunnel down the
hole... well, this is where it leads!"
"You are the insane one drugs are only a RUSE...it only makes a tunnel
of fate a hole that only collapses in on itself because of the weight of a
sinful willful world! Pennyroyal was YOUR doing!"
"Her mother was the kingpin not us!"
"The blame goes back eons my first ancestor spoke directly to GOD till
you gave her the apple!" "Go fuck yourself1"
"1 was WATCHING her for you,1 did what you said WHY?"
"W A TCHING itself...is not enough-it must be IMPARTIAL a
perspective you have lost...you began to love TOO MUCH!"
"IS NEVER ENOUGH!"
"Your not neutral--0r youd see it."
"The world is in favor of itself it is not the ordered chaos you see there is
a true first pattern and it comes whether you want it or not!"
" Mabe for you...cause youve run out of options you played them all out
and are left with your self -caused bad end-you've hit bottom maybe
 55

now you can realize your own separate place that you yourself have
earned are you ready to describe the details of the CODE?"
"WHERS MY BABY!"
"Oh YOUR baby now! How sweet! OOW DADDY GONE!"
"I"M IN PAIN DAMN IT! LET ME OUTN OF HERE!"
"No Kyle, not till you truely come home. Your child can't get you out
you must get out yourself you got yourself into this and must learn how
to get yourself out!"
"Yeah sure."
"DADDY KILL ME!"
"WHO WAS THAT?"
"You can watch your children wander or you can wander
yourself some animals chew off their own parts to get free!"
"HELL where would I go now anyway you control all
markets."
"In the end the leash doesn't matter then does it? Thats good your
way ahead of everyone else now am't you now Kyle?"
"Maybe...but what about YOU the leash matters to YOU doesn't it?"
"Mmmmm be a child yourself Kyle it takes one to know one.be
receptive. be innocent again you can then have that wide-open freedom
feeling you speak so fondly of take this "
"Pennyroyal ?"
"Ha! You said......."
"Forget what I said..in fact lets forget this whole thing maybe it
never really happenened FORGET just forget the code and maybe
then we won't need it ourselves anymore will
we FORGET ...FORGET .."
His men tossed it in my mouth and rubbed my throught like a
cats...before I knew it it was swallowed. "Good boy you'll
forget .much ignorancve is bliss in spite of what you think...but mostly
you'll just forget your name your target and launching date.thats
all RELAX...relax.... "But where
will that leave me?"
"You'll be SOMEWHERE somewhere better than this oh so
tiny place your now in anyway You BLOOM- no longer
climb.forever makes better sense this way"
"But "who" will be left? WHO? WHO! WHO!"
"WHOA! talk nicely and nicely will come...there is more "tude" to
this dude than your willing to admit!"
" Time passed anyway ...1 felt half asleep..already missed my
self....couldn't taste it but was just "it-you know "I" whoever that
is.....uh,....is really HUGE..." I began to dream to
dream dream about..."Bre Rabbit being thrown into the
briar patch or something OH PLEASE PLEASE don't throw me in that
briar patch...don't whatever you do take away my name! Ha! I
thought I thought... ya know ..if you really need a name THAT bad.so
 56

specifically ,it probably wouldn't do you much good anyway because if

its worth anything its REP should preceed it anyway...1 mean...1 mean I
don't want to become so aware of myself that I become just another
OTHER to my own consciousness! 1 mean would you want to trade
in this HUGE PACKAGE that I suddenly have become SO aware of just
for a fuckin MAME? Anyway why can't I just stay where I was before
they made it a crime before my name was the same place I was -WITH a
name? ..1 mean HOW LONG CAN YOU SUCK on MOMMIES TIT
anyway? before you become so perverse you loose
your ? whatever? I mean if we have to WEAN anyway
might as well make it illegal to even do all the other titty type things too?
huh? I mean if my very fuckin existence has to be a guilt-trip fuck it I
mean DON"T just forget it! If the soft folds of my original shapless
world is such a NO NO! that even to wonder about it gives me some
cheap sick hard-on that my good name is besmirched in ANY way! Well
I'll become a name dropper then! HA! I'll just do it in secret under
duress when half -asleep like right now! Better this way rather than have
to drag myself off myself for such ugly vile SHAME !

What is so shapeless about it all anyway? I mean so profane about

the sacred? The womb of my original reality loose and unstructured is as
valid as any foreign wall it is not my shell to be tossed away but my
seed to build on it is my long lost HOME.and even if to truely KNOW
home must also know "away"-he still come home..COME HOME
DADDY. The rain-check daddy gives us will bounce don't cash it.its of
more use as I>D> msT HA VE UNMEDIA TED SEX -unconsciously-no
name-halfasleep-WHAT IS THIS FAMILY smT ANYWAY I never
wanted to be THAT MUCH MARRIED anyway/// WE DON'T
NEED NO STINKIN ID! Just leave the door open-that don't mean I'm
commin in-maybe I just wanna look around a little. No body has to own
nothing or nobody! The Laws of property not only don't go that far they
all be a damn RED-HERRING anyway! Just trying to keep as all
separate little bytes of demographic data. We may loose some edge when
we MERGE with the WHOLE but we don't get less we get damn
 57

clj
2
MORE-no longer the in the race of a presevereing enitity , per se; but
vital in a tide that will lift all boats right out of the freeway into an air
of frictionless orvre without sigmposts ALL IS VANITY!
Carole takes pennyroyal to abort a baby that is not even there! Will is as
will does but A still does not equal A.not only a different time and place
but one place is only a representation of the flfst-a timeless state of
permanent narrative for moment that does not now even exists!
BUT!...BUT! I get it! because O DOES in fact = 1 at least at this one
point of quantum leaping from nothing (depleted energy) to:MATTER
(virtually ) in phase transition of measured probability; any percieved
LOSS is never TOT AL-not at least within the spere of radical context or
CONTINGENCY. There is always an assembledge more than any fixed
innatness infmity/infmitesimal life/d more real
more "in-between" is needed.a third narrative but not BEYOND not
inherent somthin on the brim lmpossible unless you are NOT in very
good FORM as I am NOT right now! VANITY ofvanities...all a chasing
,j;
y
3
of the wind if Dawn only knew.that her mothers LOVER was
actually her MOTHER herself with a DILDO strapped on! HA! just
reflections we are 0f every and anyone who put us here points of
comming together only to drift apart so fast comming that any moment is
really functionally fiction-dynamic animation of astatic spirit- a quasi-
phseudo core at the FATE matrix cutting ourself off in order to
contrive a bridge to our borders. The story let it be told can only speak of
the partial the incomplete continum..that indeed, it was always only
your very path that was blocking you! HA! haha Once you
were a GOD WITHOUT POWER. only only cause you let them
name you accepted without thinking that that was
axiomatic HA!...haha NAME YOURSELF NOW..nothing will be
lost except in PHANTOM even a phantom exists somewhere
doesn't it.like a phantom limb that still hurts.the hurt is real is it not?
...Its
only a matter of not knowing just exactly who you will be but how
do I? " "THERE IS

NEVER ANYTHING THAT YOU HA VE TO DO FIRST!"

"What is that kid still here? did I say kid"
"Your too small for the cage now to worry about it"
"I am smaller?"
Well, maybe just more minor."
"MINOR????? 1 thought I was MAJOR a major player.oh
well maybe now ..with all this... well maybe the actual events
of my life were the CODES and this rekoning this this...this cognizent
overall orvre this accounting of the exact degrees of separation
between the significant and the mere trace consciousness of it is in
fact a kinf of aff1ection a kind of oh just life AH! I came up
now upon a window an observation platform to review the patients l
have heard ofthis a mirror on their side.
~
4
'Jfj
HOW FASCINATING! To watch these people just busy being
themselves no one around-not to their knowledge anyway ...no one of
importance no one like me except of course Oh this one now this
cute girl -pinching her hair while squinting her eyes just inches before
me...shes saying ..1 think... wait I can hear her from some speaker
somewhere "lt is all up to me"...she says..".1 am responsible for being
here my attitude must change so I can be truely aware of the world
around me" but..BUT! all of a sudden a gaggle of giggles and
hoofaws emits from my stomach in a cascade of release..."Oh dear
child!"...1 chortle as she confesses her crimes to ""me" the REAL
cuprit!! OH! HOW FASCINATING I watch and watch feelin so
superior yet I am the one just W A TCHING so much so...that I loose
myself in their...did I say...loose myself...whoever that was
anyway well, 1 am not THEM anyway 1 know that...or it does
seem that NOW ANYWAY that THEY are molding ME rather than the
other way around that used to be... This subjectivity comes I think now
from untold yet felt PLENTITUDE...they are not objects in relation or
otherwise and I however detached and so able to judge am just a GAZE
an artificial (separated) "gaze"...that is half transparent apparently ..tho
not in the picture a sfar as they know ...my mere presence is
CRUCIAL isn't it? ...1 mean is "cause" also DETERMINATION I
am their cause more than they know but a constituant ingrediant? .or
just reactive SPIN? Is DIRECTION a V ALUE? ...Is this outward
interlocking shape of each OTHER really an access point-or is that
merely a mirror concoction? Perhaps an intertwining,of course the
glass just another layer on top of layers of CONSCIOUS and
UNCONSCIOUS especially from THEIR side of course someone
could be watching ME...ha! my laugh turn to a chill of shudders as I
quickly tum! no...noone there...now anyway yes I think any real
rapport only curves the demensions a bit further the schizo flux
goes on the oush and pull what can stop it? ...this glass if I tore it
down would it really change anything? 1 think this reflections of
reflections will foml an invalid IDENITY STACK OVERLOAD
ANYW A Y! All we do by putting this people under this weird
microscope is cause a an excess that calls for its own repression.they
KNOW TmS! who wants to be occupied? they intuitivly know of
their own potential anyway there is a block they have a block but to
say ,"DON'T look at this BLOCK!" of course they look it all must
be done even more thru the UNCONSCIOUS not a mirror ..a one-
way mirror much less use their own mirror...why do we have to put up
anymore?? They know already where they SHOULD be else
how would they confIrm their genuine self when we show it to them?
~
The very contention that uniqueness is so dependent on
independent behavior rather than simple actuation within the zietguist
that calls for nothing like "rising above " ones self...lifting of ones own
BOOTSTRAPS as it were-as one is standing upon it-or the phoenix
cornming out of its ashes,Saul to Paul thru epipihany or some such
remaking of essense as if "born again" only imputes idenity alltogether
rather than secures it mysticism on this level anyway which
transcends and subverts that which one is after can only enhance the
negation ~ not sublate it. we can only TRA VERSE and come to
know better what it is of our greatness that is holding us
back irnmanent GRACE that we give ourselves THA T can be the
only way to TRUE self without contradicting it! born into the
spirit may be more to the point than precisly how many times one does it
or just how much flesh is left in tact For somthing like this to work at
all there must be a universal ESSENSE more than any other kind right
from the start. We should refoi our methods to a much broader norm
average...lines of demarcation ~r the evolution are really as incidental
as personality itself is to real social productivity .We should in fact focus
on the whole constellation of incarnations as a wider galaxy of purpose
working even beyond the scope of one life alone-it is in the end perhaps
phycology itself that should be made a chapter in sociology in this way
generational struggles can be included -a sum much greater than the part
of a mere 70 years + .Ones particular life segment may be only a zig-zag
sailboat course that ultimatly may lead to a whole slew of courses-all
intersecting and valid are we not just changing their oil? The
relations we seek may have their "essense" in these lines of course more
than anywhere else but when they leave here.. will they again be
devided into little bits of false consciousness? Pawns rather than bits
even? Names fail us then...for what are they nameing a
genetic strain? perhaps a catagorical quality would be
better ...showing the aspect of MANY .which takes a while.maybe several
lives involved while we measure among other faults how long it will
take we then proceed to INTERRUPT them! HA! What of the exact
shape of any single tributary matter yet per the overall
FLOW? what care I how the milk tastes as long as it
FLOWS! put the mouth to the tit-thats all! Are we wrongly modeling
our unconscious drives after our conscious desires? Are we working
backwards here? Maybe we are navelizing ourselves? My
name .....Mmmmmmm.....my name.....LEGION is my name.
 58

If I leave before I die who dies? This so called SELF split

between the its worth and its worthiness? the only problem that ever
existed to question the validity of your life this name hysterical
paralysis when caught in these lights like a dear in the haunting of
legitimacy only because of delibertly denied soverignity! HA! The true
annointing of any king-making or fascisimili thereof is simple mutual
consent and CEREMONY -measurement has nothing NOTHING to do
with it! Worry of too many kings is weaker than any link in the chain..it
is the weakness in the whole thing!
Its funny-the more I forget about all this..the need of approval of name at
all the more ready I am to give it to others I should never have worked
with mother not so much that I compartmentalized this-she could not
properly invaginate into the whole...her very sex prevented it-construed
it into invasiveness..ah, if she had a real one she would cut it off so she
could more proudly WEAR it! ...She wanted independence like a
virus...her flaw not the flaw itself but over-consciously traumaticizing
it she did not know for whom the bell tolls from where you see is
what you get nothing counts till you stop it...then drop it we
are not so much a part as we think of things PHARM your own beans-
pick it for yourself not for them not anymore I see I
see something sees perspective itself sees if only it was
not for this glass what is it STILL here for NOW? why
is "CRASH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" ~

I can hear some words...someone said,"She's in a comma." I feel

dizzy sensitive childlike a whirlwind of the tiniest simplest
hurts and joys memories of so many many ...someone once just
LOOKED at me right after reading this book someone..and I still don't
know why oh, it all matters...still.I am so wraped up in it all tossed
like a cork on the ocean I am still clinging. waves and me splash
together, "Why did Mom poisen me? but Carole she took it
too is Kyle on my side? Now all that I watched is watching
me I never did see though the back of my own
head...funny well maybe thats the one reason I need
.anyone but did I even notice their heads that is maybe
we talk so much so we won't look back there there are so many
blind-spots but maybe each one is different from a different direction
and together we can make a good estimate about how it feels in other
peoples shoes but how far can we go with empathy and still make
 59

it back in tact to our own? Something tho I think tethers us to this

body keeps us within sight of ourselves centered in spite of others
proximity to the same condition.like so many spokes in a wheel all
essential which one are you? the one thats hardly moving 'the
hub the center where all the REAL work is done.where there is
the least friction.thats where the most work gets done...the impact spread
over many spokes so not one is shattered...held together not for the
benifit of the core but for all...the cost pread out evenly separate
only as a childs building toy shaped only for connection history one
giant pool of credit...not a clue to anything only a que...to heal to hold
tight to the next one...or spin out.how to do it? How to be a
Mom a thick binding on the spine of many pages...a "herd of
being"...nothig must be missing even before your birth you were not
missing just not THERE yet just not cited yet not
official that only happens well, its happening
now...the sacred Mother..the hub making good the hurt...its worth it
now if its fated it can't be flawed...the secret is everyone is the navel of
being so many navels.so many beings we don't buy off karma we
Own it! But being right is not enough or so I told Kyle but the
doctor too says something like...IT IS! at least when there is a tie its a
real tie-breaker! ls puts a handel on it.. Y A GOTTA TELL THEM
SOMTHING I would tell Carol "we know your not weak just
gentle...so cool it Does any code actually leave in the
FLA WS? ...at least its a place where things don't cancell each other
out its real AM I MOVEING? ...1 think I am awake Can
they hear me? what did I say? No no they can't 1 am
frozen still but life goes on but one should not muzzel the
ox that treads out the grain 1 think moveing from the unconscious
makes it unconscious...moveing instead into the MYSTIC does not
make you see the dark just turn on the light buddy.
MYSTIC can be W AR,RELIGION, or cmLDREN; anything that
unduly. focuses onthe dark recesses and false articulation of the petty
bourgouise ego re. arbitrary marketplace values. In order to avoid this,
there are several things one must do: To refrain from an overly surmised
unconscious modeled after a contrived and fanciful conscious, one must
remember to use ones !lwill !I as a mere swizzel stick for the true cultural
base that remains hidden-one does this by keeping ones frivilous and
frantic activities to a minimum-be content to merely STALK-developing
an affinity with the tendency of the moment -especially during times such
as these when everything is on HOLD except the very tipping of the
balence with every and any bit of STRA Was in the proverbial
CAMELS BACK. Not piece by piece but asymetrically according to the
shifting measures of weights and SANCTIONS-which wavers at any
given time as to which will cancell the other out yet, be re-instigated
often to later affect the fmal outcome. So much of any such appearence
of consent is only a PRENTENSE wrapped in shells of secrets that
continuously crack to spill out the seed of mana, hence revealing the
 60

the naked truth!

UNWARRENTED PANIC! Some fear that without the
"SECRETS" of SKILL(ED) allotment-the manna will run out. THEY
DON'T KNOW WHAT MANA IS! Tlley WaIlt us to IlOt oI1ly "play
tIle game" ( to cover any excessive arbitrariness-beyond natural
randomness) but to prevent the loss of presumed "incentive" by
presenting a face of OBSESSIVE DEVOTION thruout the play of the
game as well. This will be their DOWNFALL You Can play (just) the
game (with irony) or: play the" whole" life game EXTRA seriously but you can not
do BOTH-without becoming a SCHIZOPHRENIC! We have to learn
to get over this freak devotion to conscious bourgouise articulation a
a contradiction in terms) and just accept the hysteria in such a FOG OF
RENNASANCE! Our "free" will is like a see<! splattering on the
windshield of FATE. The only really accessable tool is from where we
have already deviated(-our so-called "flaws" which CaIl give us the key to
just how we differ from the species arctype and just how we Can
translate their chaos into something we can understand.INTERPET ,then-
interpet your interpetations!...ALL KARMA IS SET IN GRIDLOCK
NOW ANYW AY so spread that WILL and forget about "winning". THE
FLOOD WILL COME! At times of dispensation we can only let history
PLA Y itself out. When the tide is stemmed for so long all we can do is
wait for the overflow-we already GOT GAME! So stop ADDING
V ALUE to already SURPLUS CAPITAL-Stop Jerkin Offi In this
FOG OF RENNASANCE how do we even know just how much to back
off? Just how much to rearticulate and interpet or even just WHA T
codes to assign? FARM IKONS! Nuture your nature-there "IS" a map to
Gods Earth even if little petite bourgouise F ouest Gump says its all up
to the invisable hand. When, "Everything solid melts into air", there is
still the simple truth of our common heritage- we are all human- forget
about the center-there is none-de-center your selves-scatter your aim( s )
Your buckshot will still get at least one bulls-eye and the receptors for
any button you push are already there and in the end any piece of grist is
w good enough for any mill you have. ! Venceremos!

Its just that everything has already been built...yet they want us to
act as if it wasn't keep abiding by the old codes that only apply to
the originators of all this property ...but they are gone now the ones
who built it are gone...ghosts enthroned on the machines of this culture
still calling the shots...even tho they can not truely see what is going on
now they see "me" all ofus as only part of the machine that they built;
when in fact we-being truely ALIVE...should be the ones in contro1...at
the center of the wheel since we can't share in the production of
what has already been built-they say we are underqualified to
rule since when tho is LIFE a drawback on ones resume? The truth
is we are over-qualified and since we are the ones left to deal with it
all... we are the ones who accomadate THEM...not vice versa the
only aspect we can share in now is the consumption of what has been
left to us...with the one exception of their codes the law-maker is no
different from the law the law is dead-long live the law! If it is all
 61

BUlLT ...what need then of WILL ? these egos were part of the
machine...their construction spirits now are whats needed to drive the
machine but not DEAD spirits not SUPER EGOS but true
spirits of "this" TIME... but there is still a spectre haunting dead but not
knowing it..dragging its chains corrupting the true social...the true
subject...the only way to control this out of control..(in spite of their
dead chains) machine dead property locks them into it and us OUT 1
see a new code of affective immaterial nature better suited to the
consumptive phase where the true values of inheritance are transferred to
all the offspring of that time when when the world was made. We can no
loger indentify with those we can't really BE WITH get now in front
of the codes they were made for us not us for them but don't get
caught in any dictatorship don't take your head out of your ass
completely new codes will reify too... will crumble with the dust again
one day To really be free DISPENSE with the LA W entirely then
get GRACE entirely there is no transgression of borders if WE
ARE THE BORDERS ! Why worry about breaking the law if your gonna
be forgiven anyway-if the law is not really binding in the first
place everything is cancelled out...everything is as real as rain-which
falls eqaully on the hust and unjust alike The law but a
"custom" nothing else...it gives annointing to what is already there I
have a child but am as nourishing and giving as I everm was the
child is but a custom a ritual that reminds me of who I am there is no
true cathetic moment all only a willingness to be ready to recieve what
we have already been given only the false spectre that we were not
alwyas a part of what put us all here made this need of proof of will of
character and meaning of events of people etc. They lie. There is nothing
wrong with us I still don't think I can move but since I am the only
true alive spirit what care I of their souless events ,other such
physical feedback.I will move as much as I can or need to to affect as a
switch making the subject the object and putting back the dead objective
goal stUff back in the coffm of history to stir no more hearts so pure as
we who are alive today I BELIEVE that I am arising my consciousness
is arising makeing this contradiction of codes FLIP and so I walk
whether formally DESERVING or not I walk because spirit move
matter not matter the spirit...I believe I can do it down the hall out this
room...to the intake lobby past the living spirits up to the mirror that has
haunted us for too long I know not why my love was taken or where he
is...and why we have been separated but I BELIEV that we can and must
prevail and these illusions heaped in one direction onto the gentle
subjective spirits of AMERICA must be broken..so I BELIEVE I am
able with my commatose spirit alone to break this mirror that reflects all
their filth unot me I raise my fist arid bring it down as hard as
I can against this glass barrier CRASH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
 62

There was a clatter of gnashing clunk and ping as shards of glass shattererd
piece by piece ,
scattering in an explosion of slivers!
Dawn! It was DAWN..."Whats my name? "
"No time for that,come on!"

"But........! "
"You are who you once wanted to be but thought you wem't...lets go!"
"Slow down I need to talk "
"If you could talk about it-would you need to "do" it? but if you really ,in
fact, DON'T actually
I have ,-- to do it-would you,indeed,even need to talk about it? ...look how far
down
I the rabbit hole can you go before you become a part of the rabbit hole?
...before it all becomes
just so boreing? boring even for the hole who no longer finds you such a novelty
anymore?What if your very "unique" shape is designed like a "LEGO"-to snap into
other
shapes...then how far should you go? Will we still keep our deliniation? If we
loose it-will it still
be fun anymore? ...not unless you make it a CRIME!"
"...But I had to go too far-beyond where I should be-in order to fuid the limit-
the line-thats the
only way I could then come back safely inside the--limits ,
"But then are you not more fearful...of falling over that firm line-don't you
measure the distance
each and every minute of the day?"
"Not really I am MINOR now don't even know my name whos to make this step out
of line?"
"But you can conjecture it..."
Imagine it maybe, interpet it maybe-not conjecture-its different to "interpet"
is more FICTIONAL."
"More.........?"

"more......fictional?"
"Yes, I would sop up this leaky ad-hoc irony slung slap-dash with cynicism to
disguise
the real with the surreal with water-tight sealer of heuristic faith-spread that
over the excess
doubt into the needy crevices where it can be optimized have then the very
function of
REALITY ." / "Is that not a slippery
slope?"
"Not when your MINOR...the small pedistal on which I once stood is now a grand
platform for
my perspectives,...not just a stage for mySELF!"
our name IS "STOP! IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW! I see it all now,...1 know now that I
am more a place
where others get connected-thru me-than where I connect myself."
 63

The NAME is only a bridge... to a better awareness for a healing of knicked

tragectories-split by a bump yet
still a detennined path-set in karma and prooved by a seething and festering- a
real place just
WOUNDED and resistant to any tailored human events that would suture it save a
estimated
universal jointing thru adaptable TYPES. Of course they Will plead for more than
DIRECnON
they want the evidence of achievment/content in the exact to establish as fact
that you indeed did
fight hard enough against the RAPE of capital enough to determine that you are
in fact a real
MAN/player. But what kind of person would accept this standard-this MEXICAN
STANDOFF
where life and dishoner are so often equated? There are times when even the
GHOSTS in the
MACHINE must die-to let in those most truely next-in-line.the younger more
active GHOSTS
~a~~~T~-!-~.:~io~~~! From the other side, Ifl refuse to accept a free
fuck on the street,that doesn't make me a PIMP either! There is now a threat to
this very order
even beyond which I now speak, that of very secret and very undisclosed class
groups that are
silently SHUNNED-Without any identifiable discriminatory trail all simply
because it is not clear
WHO exactly OWNS WHO especially regards one moment to the next! Some can only
barely
taste this insipid horror after it has been already chewed and then they still
disavow their own
tastlessness-some would rather not know that their only refuge-their unconscious
is not really
immune from it not really a mystical hide-out but actually a major part of the
false codeing~
Ones TRUE unconscious is there,natual and mapped and ready-to-wear but is
covered up by this
spectacal-its easy and revealing FAIR USE bastardized by the real PIMPS!
Yes, to protect yourself-refuse the NAME by skateing fast so fast over their
rooftops of rooted
beings that you Will never fall in or be consumed by them! "
"OK then maybe we better talk later...lets get going NOW!"

We ran only a short distance when we fell upon a ragged over-dressed child of
about lO years of
age,almost toppleing all of us onto the floor!
"Its YOU!", the same little fellow who put me in the cage,"Your a kid!"
"Where you think your going without yer moniker whats she doing here?"
"FUCK YOUR NAME we're getting out! Wheres that other mirror behind us lead?"
"Don't break that one too please,its my office-where I balence the payments
according to the
latest inflation figures settle down you two are now a part of somthing very
important..you
are BABY BOOMERS the product of a great W AR you guys heated up the economy to
nearly
boiling we can only stableize it now with another WAR The surplus has to go
somewhere its
over-production plain and simple... we need to shrink back the market."
"So your making babies into warriors?" To kill them off?"
 64

"But still make sure we win...yes, its a HEDGE."

" A HEDGE AGAINST INFLA nON?"
"Well its all TECHNO now you know and COGS IN THE WHEEL well, without
subjectivity'there is no doubt that victory will be ours..no one to answer back
or waste precious
time on REFLECTING on our orders...1n fact your baby is the fIrst proto-
type...everything
depends on her or him Oh, here the little tyke now!" "OH my GOD!...Dawn snatches
the
swaddled child and hurls her to the floor in a fit of outrage, "NOT MY CHILD!"
 65

A soft cracking noise. Blood trickles round the swaddeled helpless body."Too
many voices!",she shouts "Come together Come together speak as one!" "Babies
upon babies more than space available they fold back on themselves babies all in
a lump going nowhere foaming up like lather AND YOU WANT HER TO BE POINT MAN ON
HAMBURGER HILL! IMPOSSIBLE as ONE- IMPOSSIBLE to be anything but a mass of
opening up and closeing back..where would she go where is the territory? The
map too is a blob -MAKE THE MAP REAL GET OFF THE MAP!....................At the
top of the hill;the cause of the hold-up.ghosts...........they won't
leave.................LET THE DEAD BURY THE DEAD NOT MY CHILD! ...A GRAND STORY
neither upheld noe witheld..no dead cocoons but a BUTTERFLY is the true
negation...so fly FLY AWAY with their backward code...fly forward and make their
common walls of separaration as much a lie as their space between numbers
ignored in order to concoct their absolute VALUES...YEA! less we see it all a
LUMP and UNIVERSAL the chatter will kill more children and we will never know
their daddy! NOT GOD NOT US but the gaze from over there! from the map that
never changes for it is grander...the child lies bleeding into the real into a
real map. Because the STORY and TELLER are one!
 66

In the FIRST telling we learn that we must EXCLUDE the the dry and stale
"facts" of the story-the
GOTHIC BOURGOiSE HORROR oF UN-NEGATED contradictions OUT so that we can indeed
realize that free of these we have created a martyre a true HERO and so now the
story can really
be told! However if we are to remain a LIVE martryr we must be ready to TELL IT
LIKE IT IS
at least to the extent of a pre-emptive strike required to disann a miss-
percieved threat that you
don't in fact present..this to be done with kid-gloves so that don't even notice
before they begin
to foreclose on you and the missing narrative that is seen as "mystic deception"
on your part
when in fact it is due to their code that fails to expand appropiately and sees
the ubiquitous truth
of a self-governing system with no real owners any different than YOU that is
deathly desireous
dopplegangers who realize the absent story is all around us as history in
abeyence only casually
reflected in particular personalities...they see you all as fiction anyway so
the point is turn-about
is fair play turn the stolen tale on its dubious head..carefully slickly slyly
with the gesture of a
hidden golden derringer and statigically located hip-flask in order to take the
upper-hand in an
unfairly balenced word. "We see that the respectful SILENCE that
you little Mr. Minespan require of us is only to instill OBEDIANCE to you own
apologetic story
one that is really only about why the contradictions are integral to the hero-
they are NOT and
must be kept OUT ..that is why my name -whatever it is.. will only be kept in
the stem as a mere
rudder! DELTA IS A SET OF SET AND SUB-SET REVERSALS! at an INSTANT at
the SAME TIME...; melotonin-serotonin;lite-dark;sleep-awake all CUT by the
PINEAL thru the
DIAMETER OF THE CORD...pi! 3.141...it shows the probability factor of what has
and
what will be for it accounts for the RED-SHIFT LIMINALITY,ALTERITY,SYNTHSISIS
and SYNCRONICITY a piece of a piece of a piece...lthe implicit becomes the
implied the
code flips..the black hole is "0" only on one side on the other the one of all
ones! A
SUPER NOVA...TOGETHER THEY ARE DELTA! the function of X is 0 if X is 0
everywhere it is used EXCEPT when it is isolated by itselfl WHAT does it in fact
equal? The
PLANKS CONSTANT it represents DEMENSIONALITY ITSELF! It contains its own
ANTI-PARTICAL! AND NO it is NOT a FICTION because it allows for THE
CURVATURE OF THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUM! It is the HYPER-REAL at a time of
SPECT ACAL! It is the exact distance from the WOMB to the very center of our
GUT! The
distance nescessary to be comfortable in our own SKIN! A MAGIC SPIRAL! A RETURN
OF
WHAT WAS AL WAYS HERE..the GAG reflex of the DRY HEAVES the coughing up of what
is not PHYSICALLY there!

"But why try to adjust life to death... why not just adjust the rate of life and
so prevent
 67

excessive birth from the start?"

" Thats illegal and it keeps the GAME OVER buttons from being engaged.. we want
the ALL
CLEAR sirens to blow..we simply need to keep those babies on HOLD...in the right
SPIRIT."
Why not instead, share more learn to do with less so that others may fully LNE
achieve
sustainability?"
"We don't want to destroy INCENTIVE...babies have their place...unfortunately
that place is
getting crowded"
"So the code is THE TWILIGHT ZONE?"
"Your point is valid though too capitualting,...there are problems with all
these grown babies
corralled in university and the like unchallenged and looseing their FEAR and
HUMANITY with
too much subjectivity,drugs and the like but we'll manage."
"Yeah looks like your doing real good!"
"Look how long can we possibly hold you? You live on and on.people are living
way past old
age now how can this be what you call SUST AINED? We simply have to cut some
comers some
where>" "Wheres she going? GET HER! why did you let her go?"
Dawn had run into his office to smash another mirror...CRASH!"
"ITS A VORTEX A LITTLE TORDADO!" she called out.
"WHA T is she seeing little guy?"
"Its SPIRITUAL you would not understand."
"I think I might if its like DELTA- if it is about a death connection! A gate to
that next world -a
combination lock that sets the degrees of DIFFERENCE into a universal whole!"
say it al]-it doesn't say OR ELSE! thats why this is no matter of national
security and no
matter of advanced science but a slaughter of the innocent .take down the signs
and put up a
I
picture of a buffalo masacre as the western train diso]ves into the herd! And
take down too those
disney cartoons pasted over the cracks in the wall.take down that american flag
too-slares made
of chocolate from a box without a map-that cucifix too! Only crossed fingers of
a snickering god
that knows a11 too well that the apocolypse will change everything...E',
VERYTHING! NO
MA TTER HOW DEVIOUS YOU HA YE TRIED TO MAKE IT! Its over now.
We scampered back down the sanitized hallway,dashing this way then that-and then
burrowed like ferrets well into our beds. The missing nurse was luckily STILL
missing. A world of
natural evolution and human intervention,riseing and probably setting-at the
same time! A world
that will be commanded into existence and rationalized by crudeness of raw
fortune. All that stuff
about,"Face yourself in the mirror!",Yet it was in fact about how we could NOT
face ourselves in
the mirror as THEY did! "Hey Terra, "I whispered,"You OK?"
"
Yeah I guess so. I
hissed as loud as I could,"1 saw something else!" It
said my birth was induced early by an herb called "pennyroyal" ."PERPETRATOR
UNKNOWN".
"Wowwww",terra howled with a quiet drawn-out breath. "
Yeah, I wonder who did it? I bit my lip and ran my eyes back and forth over the
dimly lit ceiling.
"1 saw something else about you",said Terra pulling up her blankets .
"What?"
"Something about your mother and, "unconventional relationships"
Of course the very next day Mom was there to visit.
Who was "MOM" really? An undercover ag;nt for Kyle-and who the hell was "HE"?
She looked a bit disheveled-but NICE, very nice.
"Hows the commute Mom?",1 tease.
"What?..no,...1 don't commute anymore-1 don't have to now-my stock split-thought
I told you? I
just ,"cruise" now-never have to see one damn freeway sign!" "Oh
wow,cool!",1 say incredulously,IS TillS REALL Y MY MOM HERE?
"Don't look so shocked Dawn-I just changed,thats all. Ever since I started work
on our Family
Tree-I realized its not where your going but where you have been!" I was more
than curious but still so distracted with my own unique problems,"Oh yeah?".
I wanted to get on to other things.
"Yeah, its all in the genes ya know" \'i
"Not ALL of it Mom",I mumbled, I thought you were just checking out our
inheritance?"
"I was. ..1 was, but I realized its not just about claiming your money its about
claiming your \
heritige as well. Its all inivitable really",she giddily announced. "Not all of
it
Mom, look Mom thats all good but tell me what kind of friends do you have I mean
what are they really into?" "Huh, ah. ..you
know them. ya see Dawn,I know its tough in here but ya know that expression,
"ITS ALL
GOOD"? "Not all of it
Mom..." "Ya see, its
true as Carole says,I DID suffer quietly for so long,but now I realize that even
in the most
ordinary offixed routine-in suburbia OR in the city-doesn't matter really,there
are always the
same number ofrabbit-holes to go down-ifyoujust...well...the Bible says,"just
lower your net"---
-right where you are WHEREEVER you are-you buy land,you sellland-feel your
soverignity,and
you can't ever really sell THAT! "MOM!",finally I burst into her rhitious
chatter with a fierce shout,"Have you ever used an herb called PENNYROY ALEdidn't
you
used to use it for your knee?" "She was somewhat startled,"Uh! no, I
don't think so" "How "bout Carole?"
"I don't know-why?"
"Nothing....nothing , It wasn t tIme to actually accuse her
"Mom, why did you always talk so much to Kyle about me and Carole-alonejust with
him? Its
funny, the more you got involved the more distant he would get. "Dawn!
What are you saying?",She finally gave me a piercing and hurt stare. "1 don't
know Mom, did you did you "like" Kyle too?" I girded myself rigid with
trepedation.
"OH DAWN I can't believe it! Can't believe you said that!," shaking her head now
paceing the
room heading toward the door,"I'm old enough " "1 know,to
be his mother."
Mom always seemed to really enjoy us living with her-I mean without ANY
reservations at
all-even tho we were almost 30 now.
"Don't leave mom.!... Mom, do you really want me and Carole to get married?" "Of
course Mom,how come you never stayed with any of our fathers?" "You
know why Dawn, first there was the one with drinking problems "
"NO.no,no, first there was YOUR concern for his drinking which first was not a
real
problem,your concern for what your friends would think,then your concern for
US,you couldn't
leave us even to go out with Dad for one night,not even for one night,no babysitters
for you they
43
were all "hippies",. WHY Dill YOU spy ON ME IN THE SHOWER!"There,I said it, a
weight rolled off my chest, I lost my fear ofher now but also her too-my mom was
dead!
"Its OK Mom, I know about Kyle doing research on me,anyway that hole was there
before that",
at least I could bury her gently. "I am not
your enemy Dawn, I am your Mother!",she scholded me as ifI were akid,tumed and
opened the
door. "Mom,I am just
trying to find things out" "Well don't try too
hard, you'll only find out that we never can win, WAKE UP TO REALITY,USE YOUR
MENTALITY" Frank
Sinatra? Irving
Berlin,Dawn I'm not saying you can't win a little but its not ever gonna be as
you imagine it will
as a kid. I closed my
eyes,heaved a sigh and fell back in my bed pulling the pillow over my facealmost
in tears. "You
just said you could win a lot" "Yeah but then you
reminded me you were in a looney-bin" "So it IS a looney-bin!"
" A government center yes,look Dawn I don't have all the answers",she was redfaced
and
breathless and sank back in her chair to confess. "So I was
homey sometimes,never be embarressed to love" "Well if your not-
I WILL BE" "WHY?"
"Because,the closer you get-the more I pull away and the more I pull away the
closer you try to
get till eventually we fight!" "so what!
Thats life!" w "No,thats
lesbianism!" "Its bigger
than that-its LIFE! It may need greater articulation thats all.Stay idealist-it
can't be quantified its
trauma,no quid pro quid go MATERIALIST and its a BARGAIN!"
,
"Did you and Kyle "articulate" my breasts!" ,
"We didn't do it for sex but for money!"
.
"Glad to know that,1 feel much better now. Thank god with proper secret
representation and
cataloging these can be kept separate and never the twain shall meet -even tho
one is under
erasure by being symbolicly included and the other by being nearly excludedthank
god there is
no blurring or confusion!" We sat slumped over and exasperated
neither feeling like figuring out what the other said.
"Whats the remaining soverignity of a second hand sign?" Finally I threw a rope
into our
welling pit of vacuous restlessness:"What is the remaining soverignity of a
second-hand-sign? Or
one just so worn down? Maybe theres a validity for one who never was symbolized
before but for
one used to a real TITLE something so worsted is hardly substantial if it can be
changed or
atenuated,I mean what is it CODE FOR THE DA Y? Thats no code its a label that
can be easily
ripped off at ones convienence-it is either a constant,a v~ue from
anothetdemension or it is
NOT! "I think Mom you commuted for more than you know-you
liked that blurring of the real. Sex-even money was just a red-herring-an ACT
that would allow
you to define away a difficult UNCONSCIOUS so then you could USE MINE! But thats
not
what children are for! I won't be hijacked by you!
.
"Dawn you " ARE" sick! y our paranoid!"
"Not if they're really out to get you," as the saying goes,"Ifyou have MY soul
then you won't
miss the one you gave up to get child-
"Then that is not love,you would rather have any ole shoddy love the the real
thing!" "I am
more real with my slovenly nurosis than your'll ever be!" "I grat
you your gritty status-you deserve it-although its true too that IT ONL y
MATTERS IF YOUR
,
"NOT" GETTING IT!" and at least your getting it however slovenly it may be-but
ifbasicly it
only prevents you from "falling apart" then just how important is it-I mean the
only reason I
would fall apart anyway is because I might think I was REALL y missing something
IMPORTANT which apparently I am not-1 mean it only really gets you to ground
ZERO and
.
THAT really came before we even got here didn't it? From the slovenly nurosis of
those who
preceeded us,as you say mom about our heretige and stuff.You once asked me Mom
if you
should choose being a slave in someone elses castle or choose a little plot of
your own land- your
right to just stake your claim mom-because that is all it ever was about-not
even genes per se,1
mean at some point some Duke or something handed it down to their subjects-land;
like a little
country later became GRANTS for schools that went on to "educate" people about
just these
facts so they could eventually gain advantage to PURCHASE some such gleanings
from some
such commons which was paid fo~ ultimately from the very economy tMt grown from
protecting
the borders of such territory-I mean it was always SOVERIGN in SOME way wasn't
it? I mean it
never REALL Y did belong to the indians or "people" did it? "Your very cynical
Dawn", mom.stated with stem dissapproval. "Did you find our
~+
"Family Crest" or was it a "Coat-of-Arms" should be different but they am't are
they It got
BLURRED too did'nt tiey? Kids like me tip-offthis bloody smear don't we? Freedom
really IS
free-it cost nothing but the real taste for it is inherited. I am not your
dreams mom I am not the
birds at your window but I am their wings
Dawn your search for meaning questioning reality-that is very de-stableizing;the
vindication you seek is not transcendental but immanient;so much before you-it
is your child!
.
You have LIFE now Dawn! "I didn't have it before?"
"You have it so much MORE now Dawn!"
" I had a secret before-I was the SCOURCE-now I am just a bloody wound with it
all hanging
out! A bloody baby when before I had no DREAM but WAS one incarnate incarnate myself!"
"Dawn!"
"NO! Its true 1 see it all now 1 remember it all ! When you last cheated on Dadthe
last Dad right in the next room for GODS sake!.Dad was sick-too sick to move-or
so we
thought-I went to bed early that night-1 lay awake staring at the dark-1 heard
you send Carole to
watch that Dad did not try to get up- You kept saying to this lady you were with ,"Your so
full of life!",I could
hear everything! Dad was very sick sicker than we thought! Carole got sick too -
something she
saw-about you and this lady-what was it?Oh yeah! I remember-I got up when I heard
WRETCHING!
Oh Gawd Carole ran to Dad and threw-up- Dad too, they vomited onto each other
and weeped-
Oh god! You had a STRAP-ON on ~.. a HUGE dildo shaped like a dick! It was
awful!. We
fell into our waste and cried like babies! Dad died that night and you kiJled
him just like you tried to
kill my baby;with pennyroyal! ." 1 was sobbing and clawing the walls and Mom was trembleing.
--~-
Dr .Burlington wore the world on his shoulders.He swept. the floor with his
eyes.he had a
weary lost look -orphan annie eyes,empty windows to nothing neath nearly
invisable eyebrows.
He seemed to take everything to heart but hide himself in an auror of disgust.He
savored every
word with slow articulation. His tie was loose-the knot hung halfway to his chest-but he
wore his suit
coat anyway-he moved with slow-motion exactness which made you think he knew
what he was
.gonna say-I knew what he would say; he apologized for everyone but ME! "Your
having
trouble with your mother am't you Dawn?'"
" Yeah," I conceeded wistfully."trouble with everytbing-everybody-this whole
place-why are
you shocking me?"
He stared at the floor again then at me and froze. "Something has a
hold over you
Dawn -something that makes you want to be on the most outer edge of
things.
Dawn there are a lot of bad things that happen in this world,but we don't scrap
the whole
system because of a few bumps in the road "BUMPS IN ruE ROAD! Youve got bulging
thick callauses man! They're MOUNTAINS!"
"You can't move mmountains Dawn but you can climb them!"
You climb them you made em! I'm gonna blast my way thru!'
47
You talk with tongue in cheek you know you can't but talk too normal-without ANY fantasy at ALL!
But Dawn,Thats YOUR
problem! You actually "live" in this fantasy!"
I leaned way forward to feign the utmost confidence and said to the doctor,"The
bulk of fantasy
is in your world doc!"
"Maybe, well there is some but it never does any body any good whoever is doing
it"
"It does a lot of people good,they dream they grow,they move they dream again!
Its good!"
OK dawn alight but how bout adding a little hard work to those dreams!?"
I am not against the reality of hard work doc I am just against the cold
clinical axiomatic way of
it." "What do you '!mean?'
"I mean in the end A does NOT equal A because the second A is in a different time and place -
however you interpet things-the
world-is just that
interpetation a measurement made after the fact
We just
"SA Y" they are the same! "Well thank god we live in a world where we can
exchange
parts universally Ha! Ha! It'll all come out in the wasb..nothing perfectly
matches of course"
"Ha! Ha! yourself why not? I mean rather than file things down a little you just
add value to the
code- exaggerate it,modify it...its your main business..its the business your ineveryone
nearly
today! Why? whats up? Your standards ofmeasurernent so heavily coded leaveing
nothing but
traces ofthe original tracks of where it all may once have started The spirit
has long since
departed from! The originals are only Fossils!"
"Axioms!" "The thing is you've lost the subject neath all these codes! Its all
petrified!How can
we make any progress at all? ...when any investment in the future bas to be
based on a proven
present? that is only proped up with symbols? Obviously any reaJ prognosis must
be based rather
on a META-symbol OUTSIDE it all-far from pregiduice? One that includes the
nature of
randomness? ~only when such varible are so concretely figured into the
equasin when creation is
considered FATE a part of life already coded imside us ~ ~not to be
CONQUORed
but merely to be visulaized a generic win-win game with no where left to go? EXCEPT with these
contradictory axioms ~-and re aIbitrary steps that fit only vague possibilities? HANG ON THE
CALVARY IS COMMING! ~ doctors wilt heal us save us! ~ artist as hero to compensate for
rudimentary savage consciousness
..a morality not based on
substance but on borders
and idenity based on this dialectic that puts both under erasure of the other!
Men locked
into the SjmbQ;lic woman still free to roam at a great advantage . You still need authority and
identity Dawn.
But in War its different!
Then you admit your moves delibertly blurrs the edge?"
YOU declared this battle Doc...and drew the battle lines YOU incarcerated ME remember?"Is it
really WAR?" You made the chiid
the resovoir of the unconscious and made the female a fellow acomplace. The
stain of reality is now in the imaginary in the undeveloped child in the dreams
you put down!Hey we already got the job Doc. If it only matters when your not
getting it and we are-then it doesn't matter. Stop adding value when you know
your getting all the poontang you could want! Any good shrink should know this!
That the joke..the FIRST universal JOKE....YOU MADE A PROFIT ALREADY!...The
other got stiffed and you pretend to hand the savings on to me! ARBITRARY or
not..there is still less uncertainity Dawn Rules help build exactness.........Is that why even mild
disorders like mine are considered criminal now Doc?"
Is it criminal?
Well you try to heal trauma caused by
you..thats criminal thats
war! An oligarcy of extream codes meant to keep people out.changing babies DNA
and theshold
of siezure? If what you say is true Dawn then natures model must be broken
at times
"1 never said DUMP NATURE!" I never said change anything...but the CODES! the
CODES!
OK good point Dawn but who is gonna do this YOU-and other 20 year old girls?
No...1 don't know...maybe but certainly not YOU you shouldn't have anything to
do with it!?
Why not
You don't have any interest in inflating the money supply with schemes of the
future.
Niether does anyone want that
"1 rest my case."
You can't rest your case here.it not just about you and me Dawn...
OH yeah don't I know it...its US against THEM then isn't it ISN'T IT?
Here we go! where do you really expect to go with this?
49
I EXPECT TO STOP YOU DOCTOR!. This whole derivitive based shit that ride the
backs of
other people sellin space on their backs to the young who "should" simply inherit it.Instead they
sell to only THE BEST.-we need LESS EXCELLANCE in order to break the
monopoly
codes! Your percision world is so concentrated in on itself that it is
collapseing-the rest of us
people l are eaisily ignored as they cruise
downhill not knowing if
they are just coasting the only way to know is no wake
up just wake
up! Wake up and MOVE-step on the gas! And crash if you have to and get out of the trance of
perfection but remember our dreams as we could not
when coasting but...
Don't be hynotized by signs that have their place but only as guides . We can sleep-walk to the
end or wake up and dream again anew! and maybe
anew again
and again till one day we wake up and sleep no more forever!
~ Another session gone badly.lt's all or nothing with these guys! Is it
just me or just everyone? All rhetoric all rhetorical all based on
presuppositions of acknowledged contention! All the same ole' story-sex
and glory -not for legend but for "legion" not if I have anything to say
about it anyway! Its all about THEM-even my side is seen from THEIR
side! Barbarians who own the gate- they want a free pass-even for "US"-
but the strong light of the next day reveals more fallen spies on both
sides than anyone realling standing their own real
ground? But we can can be victorious "as we sleep"
the night before battle go ahead,
and whistle in that dark cemetary...go ahead, be a double-agent as Kyle
now claims to be-l just talked to him on the phone.I even went ahead and
trusted him with our signing techniques and told him how at one
point "0= l-where degrees of "nothingness" can accumulate to the same
level as that of minimum substance. Its not as fictional as you might
think since nothing is really inclosed except by the close proximity of
another partial opening. Its all relative am't we all? Even the myth
that we LIVE? ...only -with toungue ftrmly in cheek-in
"my" cheeks-- for love or
glory-the spoils that are made so real by the sacrafice that is ME! A
code held tight in their enclosures because they "SA y SO" and I
have no better fiction than
theirs face it, Kyle could not live up to his name if his life depended on it!
Make a name for himself I say. Better be alive now than live just for
some presumed time when you emrerge enough beyond the overlap of a
promise that might never come-even if you are in the end just a live
myth-better than an deadened legend! Look I told him nothing ever
fits! Not perfectly not all the time not so very tightly ever-EVER! And
that goes for his monstorous dick too! Its never for BOTH at the
time EVER! But even if you LOOSE-your still accounted for,your still
represented somehow! He suffers from liniar logic-he thinks that if you
turn a circle nothing has changed-its still a circle but its NOT the same
due to,if nothing else, YOU KNOW NOW! A zero becomes bigger
(there are degrees ofemptiness)a hole grows and everything else around
it!...because you've returned from, at least, a brightly conjectured
SOMETHING before settleing again for a (now) assured "nothing".
(Who needs that kind of assurance? better to have some hope anyway!).
How we approach the VOID,the uncertain, is far more important than
what is in fact lurking within it,eg. Take Carole; she wants to actually
SEE and FEEL her UNKNOWN however tentative,so that at least some
of it can likely be aborted at a later date. I see it all simply as one' big
FUCKIN COSMIC JOKE! but thats my FEAR too-signs are
interchangable either accidently or by design-thru S&M or by phycosisyou
decide. We are either master or slave-we HA ~. it or GIVE it- own
I
or be owned-otherwise we drift. I told Kyle about this too-about the
showers. I think he GOT it, but said it doesn't have to be this way and
that yes, I better do it all with a very big subjective grain of salt.l told
him about the strange "GESTURES" everyone used that was supposed
to remind us to UNLEARN what we learned from our "keepers"-the
shifting shoulders for the wiil/fate feedback loop-the fmger to the lips
for SECRETS ARE mDDEN INTERNAL FLA ws. I told him
everything. He said he guessed that new codes that serve only to =e.L
old codes are ok but still left one with nothing I reminded him of
the TURNING CIRCLE again and how we are mostly what we are not
supposed to be-that for example ,girls are prettier than boys and that
boys are always really MAD about this.. showing how they don't really
accept who they are-girls don't even get to be angry at all! Power always
has to be split up and shaky. I said we should move more to FICTION,
maybe "just" the dust from the wheels of karma but still a HALO OF
TRU11I-still comes from the tracks of
it ,
...its been 8 days since I've heard from him. I am worried.
whats he doing? He sounded FUNNY when I hung up-said
somehting about Robin Hood maybe being BAD on one side and, GOOD
on another but that ROBBING FROM nIB RICH AND GIVING TO
THE POOR had actually nothing to do with it-his purpose was to restore
the rightful heir to \ the
throne !
am afraid he may have gone to far down that rabbit hole he was
going to confront them about my release. He said all the "draining of our
milk" was done to research DNA that would stunt what they called an
EFFITE evolutionary mistake-a kind of reverse DELTA FUNCTION.
A vat made from MY milk in particular held great promise- for them. He
said he was aware too of research on umbilical cords-he said there were
over 800,000 umbilical cords stored there. He was more aware than I
realized of where at least PART of the bodies (so to speak) were
"buried".
Suddenly 3 men in white coats grabbed me -I struggled! They brought me to this
mirrored room!
"What do you want
from me?"
"We want the CODE!"
"I don't have it!"
"Do you know about it-what it does?"
"It equates the unequivical."
"BABBLE! We know you want to negate the negation-explain!"
"We don't want to be taught to fish-we want to TEACH!"
"teach What?
"How to hold the pole".
.
"CUTE very cute! What is DELTA?"
"I am not sure-something about nothing-something about NOT fishing
and about fish NOT being caught something though about FISHING
---
HAPPENING. Something about common bonding causing true
expierence"
"But Kyle,you have it backwards
it is our common expierence together that gives us What we hold in common our
bonding,that must come first! This one true culture gives us the steadiness to
HOLD THE POLE.
YOu ARE WRONG!
THERE MUST BE SOMErnING TRUE FIRST only then can we
hold the culture-the bonds the pole-steady ...only then can we fish.
"You put the chicken before the egg Kyle-mysticism does not suit
you-you have lost your objectivity ,you have got too close to your little
object of study"
"What you call mystic I call DISTANCE-if I have filled in any gaps
frivolously it is only with that -men are still men,mountains are still
mountains-the only difference is my feet are a few inches off the ground distance
comes flfst-we are not grounded by "back"ground. The infinite
is neither in heaven but in what bonds us the very shape of our
separation. The LA W is for the LA WLESS. The society you seek can
only come from un-privatizing the HORDE!
, Your lost.Is Dawn your leader now? Now
that your money is gone? Are you homeless?" " We
are not homeless---we just have so incredably wider horizens that they
are no suitably wide places available yet for the world we are moving
into. All who wander are not lost. We will get on a list that we create-we
have marked our place."
"Your TRUE expierence your true WILL-your WAY to hold the pole all
mystic "CIPHERS" for mere commonly held beliefs that you in fact
want LffiERATED into HORDES! HA!"

its not a cipher its a

chiamus code,why don't you ask Dawn"
"You snooty aloof fool, Dawn is dying right now from an induced
insulin coma! HA! HA! HA!"
"LET HER GO! Freedom is priceless you can not own it with a
bar-code!" w :-- "We are only trying to
keep the individual will alive-it is YOU that is obsessing with control
and just precisly how one must hold the fishing rod-how to stay in the center
of the wheel; how to piss in a pot- YOU make FREEDOM "cost"Kyle,not "us"!!!!!!!!!!!
"The only real expense is in learning this that it is FORCE alone
that demands valor to delibertly inflate what is natural into a determined
..~
expierence that leads to bonding if one is guilty and doesn't know it-HE'S STILL
GUlL TY DAMN IT! However it is indeed now not a sin but a mere
DEBT! SO SHUT UP AND END YOUR CRUSADE! It is all only a
hole in reality not a zero-sum . We all bleed and are
left to settle with less. We are all strangers in our own house-innocent of
whatever we are truely not responsible for-what devides us is what
unites us-two negatives multiplied equal a positive. We will never be
satisfied by being what we lack or hope to become only by being US
not "I". a REAL OBJECT IN THE WORLD"
"IS that THEN YOUR DELTA CODE?"
"It is this and more."
" Well then,Mindspan said; all I can say is that it certainly must be more simply
because your belief in cause and effect still claims FIRST CAUSE in
spite of the fact that such a phenomenoue would have to be the EFFECT
of something would it not? Toward this end you quite insanly search for
TRUE EXPIEREN CE before there can be any such thing! "
NOT TRUE! DEATH CAN BE FIRST in fact "IS" indeed and
ALWAYS was! The spirit is DEAD! FIRST LAST AND ALWAYS!
The Umbilical cord is alive yet dead it is not a part of anyone person it holds
all together- it is life but discarded Its the way the way to hold the pole! IN THE WORLD
The CORD! it feeds us sustains us yet is but a scar on our bloated
bellies of filthy worldliness!" "SO THA TS YOUR DEL m
CODE! GET IN!"with that the small man motions me to enter a tiny
steel cage !
"Back to your womb your cord maybe now you'll see that
each individual IS finally responsible for the consequences of his
actions! Hold your pole tight...you'll have to HAW
HAW"
His crew of insidious INSIDER side-kicks shoved and kicked me inside and locked
the door!
"ITS TOO SMALL ITS TOO SMALL! I screamed in understated
TERROR!" "HA! You have
become a little too big for your own karma I see! Feeling all alone now
finally Kyle yes, the cord IS cut time after time in case you haven't
noticed little thinking man!" "
YOU cut us off from GOD!" I accused.
"Your spirit is dead or will soon be- I grant you that!"
" " DO DRUGS GO TO
JAIL! you want to know all the answers dig down deep tunnel down the
hole... well, this is where it leads!"
"You ,I acclaimed,are insane- one drugs are only a RUSE...it only makes a tunnel
of fate a hole that only collapses in on itself because of the weight of a
sinful willful world! Pennyroyal was YOUR doing!"
"Her mother did it, not us!"
"The blame goes back eons my first ancestor spoke directly to GOD till
you gave her the apple!" "Go fuck yourself1"
"1 was WATCHING her for you,1 did what you said WHY?"
"W A TCHING by itself...is not enough-it must be IMPARTIAL a
perspective you have lost...you began to love TOO MUCH!"
"ItS NEVER ENOUGH!"
"Your not neutral--0r youd see it."
"The world is in favor of itself it is not the ordered chaos you see there is
a true first pattern and it comes whether you want it or not!"
" Mabe for you...cause youve run out of options you played them all out
and are left with your self -caused bad end-you've hit bottom maybe
now you can realize your own separate place that you yourself have
earned are you ready to describe the details of the CODE?"
"WHERS MY BABY!"
"Oh YOUR baby now! How sweet! OOW DADDY GONE!"
"I"M IN PAIN DAMN IT! LET ME OUTN OF HERE!"
"No Kyle, not till you truely come home. Your child can't get you out
you must get out yourself you got yourself into this and must learn how
to get yourself out!"
"Yeah sure."
"DADDY KILL ME!"
"WHO WAS THAT?"
"You can watch your children wander or you can wander
yourself some animals chew off their own parts to get free!"
"HELL where would I go now anyway you control all
markets."
"In the end the leash doesn't matter then does it? Thats good your
way ahead of everyone else now am't you now Kyle?"
"Maybe...but what about YOU the leash matters to YOU doesn't it?"
"Mmmmm be a child yourself Kyle it takes one to know one.be
receptive. be innocent again you can then have that wide-open freedom
feeling you speak so fondly of take this "
"Pennyroyal ?"
"Ha! You said......."
"Forget what I said..in fact lets forget this whole thing maybe it
never really happenened FORGET just forget the code and maybe
then we won't need it ourselves anymore will
we FORGET ...FORGET .."
His men tossed it in my mouth and rubbed my throught like a
cats...before I knew it it was swallowed. "Good boy you'll
forget .much ignorancve is bliss in spite of what you think...but mostly
you'll just forget your name your target and launching date.thats
all RELAX...relax.... "But where
will that leave me?"
"You'll be SOMEWHERE somewhere better than this oh so
tiny place your now in anyway You BLOOM- no longer
climb.forever makes better sense this way"
"But "who" will be left? WHO? WHO! WHO!"
"WHOA! talk nicely and nicely will come...there is more "tude" to
this dude than your willing to admit!"
" Time passed anyway ...1 felt half asleep..already missed my
self....couldn't taste it but was just "it-you know "I" whoever that
is.....uh,....is really HUGE..." I began to dream to
dream dream about..."Bre Rabbit being thrown into the
briar patch or something OH PLEASE PLEASE don't throw me in that
briar patch...don't whatever you do take away my name! Ha! I
thought I thought... ya know ..if you really need a name THAT bad.so
specifically ,it probably wouldn't do you much good anyway because if
its worth anything its REP should preceed it anyway...1 mean...1 mean I
don't want to become so aware of myself that I become just another
OTHER to my own consciousness! 1 mean would you want to trade
in this HUGE PACKAGE that I suddenly have become SO aware of just
for a fuckin MAME? Anyway why can't I just stay where I was before
they made it a crime before my name was the same place I was -WITH a
name? ..1 mean HOW LONG CAN YOU SUCK on MOMMIES TIT
anyway? before you become so perverse you loose
your ? whatever? I mean if we have to WEAN anyway
might as well make it illegal to even do all the other titty type things too?
huh? I mean if my very fuckin existence has to be a guilt-trip fuck it I
mean DON"T just forget it! If the soft folds of my original shapless
world is such a NO NO! that even to wonder about it gives me some
cheap sick hard-on that my good name is besmirched in ANY way! Well
I'll become a name dropper then! HA! I'll just do it in secret under
duress when half -asleep like right now! Better this way rather than have
to drag myself off myself for such ugly vile SHAME !
What is so shapeless about it all anyway? I mean so profane about
the sacred? The womb of my original reality loose and unstructured is as
valid as any foreign wall it is not my shell to be tossed away but my
seed to build on it is my long lost HOME.and even if to truely KNOW
home must also know "away"-he still come home..COME HOME
DADDY. The rain-check daddy gives us will bounce don't cash it.its of
more use as I>D> msT HA VE UNMEDIA TED SEX -unconsciously-no
name-halfasleep-WHAT IS THIS FAMILY smT ANYWAY I never
wanted to be THAT MUCH MARRIED anyway/// WE DON'T
NEED NO STINKIN ID! Just leave the door open-that don't mean I'm
commin in-maybe I just wanna look around a little. No body has to own
nothing or nobody! The Laws of property not only don't go that far they
all be a damn RED-HERRING anyway! Just trying to keep as all
separate little bytes of demographic data. We may loose some edge when
we MERGE with the WHOLE but we don't get less we get damn
MORE-no longer the in the race of a presevereing enitity , per se; but
vital in a tide that will lift all boats right out of the freeway into an air
of frictionless orvre without sigmposts ALL IS VANITY!
Carole takes pennyroyal to abort a baby that is not even there! Will is as
will does but A still does not equal A.not only a different time and place
but one place is only a representation of the flfst-a timeless state of
permanent narrative for moment that does not now even exists!
BUT!...BUT! I get it! because O DOES in fact = 1 at least at this one
point of quantum leaping from nothing (depleted energy) to:MATTER
(virtually ) in phase transition of measured probability; any percieved
LOSS is never TOT AL-not at least within the spere of radical context or
CONTINGENCY. There is always an assembledge more than any fixed
innatness infmity/infmitesimal life/d more real
more "in-between" is needed.a third narrative but not BEYOND not
inherent somthin on the brim lmpossible unless you are NOT in very
good FORM as I am NOT right now! VANITY ofvanities...all a chasing
,j;
y
3
of the wind So her mothers LOVER was
actually her MOTHER herself with a DILDO strapped on! HA! just
reflections we are 0f every and anyone who put us here points of
comming together only to drift apart so fast comming that any moment is
really functionally fiction-dynamic animation of astatic spirit- a quasiphseudo
core at the FATE matrix cutting ourself off in order to
contrive a bridge to our borders. The story let it be told can only speak of
the partial the incomplete continum..that indeed, it was always only
your very path that was blocking you! HA! haha Once you
were a GOD WITHOUT POWER. only only cause you let them
name you accepted without thinking that that was
axiomatic HA!...haha NAME YOURSELF NOW..nothing will be
lost except in PHANTOM even a phantom exists somewhere
doesn't it.like a phantom limb that still hurts.the hurt is real is it not?
...Its
only a matter of not knowing just exactly who you will be but how
do I? " "THERE IS
NEVER ANYTHING THAT YOU HA VE TO DO FIRST!"
"Why is that kid still here? did I say kid"
"Your too small for the cage now to worry about it", said the kid
"I am smaller?"
Well, maybe just more minor."
"MINOR????? 1 thought I was MAJOR a major player.oh
well maybe now ..with all this... well maybe the actual events
of my life were the CODES and this rekoning this this...this cognizent
overall orvre this accounting of the exact degrees of separation
between the significant and the mere trace consciousness of it is in
fact a kinf of aff1ection a kind of oh just life AH! I came up
now upon a window an observation platform to review the patients l
have heard ofthis a mirror on their side.
~
4
'Jfj
If I leave before I die who dies? This so called SELF split
between the its worth and its worthiness? the only problem that ever
existed to question the validity of your life this name hysterical
paralysis when caught in these lights like a dear in the haunting of
legitimacy only because of delibertly denied soverignity! HA! The true
annointing of any king-making or fascisimili thereof is simple mutual
consent and CEREMONY -measurement has nothing NOTHING to do
with it! Worry of too many kings is weaker than any link in the chain..it
is the weakness in the whole thing!
Its funny-the more I forget about all this..the need of approval of name at
all the more ready I am to give it to others I should never have worked
with mother not so much that I compartmentalized this-she could not
properly invaginate into the whole...her very sex prevented it-construed
it into invasiveness..ah, if she had a real one she would cut it off so she
could more proudly WEAR it! ...She wanted independence like a
virus...her flaw not the flaw itself but over-consciously traumaticizing
it she did not know for whom the bell tolls from where you see is
what you get nothing counts till you stop it...then drop it we
are not so much a part as we think of things PHARM your own beanspick
it for yourself not for them not anymore I see I
see something sees perspective itself sees if only it was
not for this glass
"CRASH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" ~
I can hear some words...someone said,"She's in a comma." I feel
dizzy sensitive childlike a whirlwind of the tiniest simplest
hurts and joys memories of so many many ...someone once just
LOOKED at me right after reading this book someone..and I still don't
know why oh, it all matters...still.I am so wraped up in it all tossed
like a cork on the ocean I am still clinging. waves and me splash
together, "Why did Mom poisen me? but Carole she took it
too is Kyle on my side? Now all that I watched is watching
me I never did see though the back of my own
head...funny well maybe thats the one reason I need
.anyone but did I even notice their heads that is maybe
we talk so much so we won't look back there there are so many
blind-spots but maybe each one is different from a different direction
and together we can make a good estimate about how it feels in other
peoples shoes but how far can we go with empathy and still
it back in tact to our own? Something tho I think tethers us to this
body keeps us within sight of ourselves centered in spite of others
proximity to the same condition.like so many spokes in a wheel all
essential which one are you? the one thats hardly moving 'the
hub the center where all the REAL work is done.where there is
the least friction.thats where the most work gets done...the impact spread
over many spokes so not one is shattered...held together not for the
benifit of the core but for all...the cost pread out evenly separate
only as a childs building toy shaped only for connection history one
giant pool of credit...not a clue to anything only a que...to heal to hold
tight to the next one...or spin out.how to do it? How to be a
Mom a thick binding on the spine of many pages...a "herd of
being"...nothig must be missing even before your birth you were not
missing just not THERE yet just not cited yet not
official that only happens well, its happening
now...the sacred Mother..the hub making good the hurt...its worth it
now if its fated it can't be flawed...the secret is everyone is the navel of
being so many navels.so many beings we don't buy off karma we
Own it! But being right is not enough or so I told Kyle- at least when there is a tie its a
real tie-breaker! ls puts a handel on it.. Y A GOTTA TELL THEM
SOMTHING I would tell Carol "we know your not weak just
gentle...so cool it Does any code actually leave in the
FLA WS? ...at least its a place where things don't cancell each other
out ...1 think I am awake Can
they hear me? what did I say? No no they can't 1 am
frozen still but life goes on but one should not muzzel the
ox that treads out the grain 1 think moveing from the unconscious
makes it unconscious...moveing instead into the MYSTIC does not
make you see the dark just turn on the light buddy.
MYSTIC can be W AR,RELIGION, or cmLDREN; anything that
unduly. focuses onthe dark recesses and false articulation of the petty
bourgouise ego re. arbitrary marketplace values. In order to avoid this,
there are several things one must do: To refrain from an overly surmised
unconscious modeled after a contrived and fanciful conscious, one must
remember to use ones !lwill !I as a mere swizzel stick for the true cultural
base that remains hidden-one does this by keeping ones frivilous and
frantic activities to a minimum-be content to merely STALK-developing
an affinity with the tendency of the moment -especially during times such
as these when everything is on HOLD except the very tipping of the
balence with every and any bit of STRA Was in the proverbial
CAMELS BACK. Not piece by piece but asymetrically according to the
shifting measures of weights and SANCTIONS-which wavers at any
given time as to which will cancell the other out yet, be re-instigated
often to later affect the fmal outcome. So much of any such appearence
of consent is only a PRENTENSE wrapped in shells of secrets that
continuously crack to spill out the seed of mana, hence revealing the
the naked truth!
UNWARRENTED PANIC! Some fear that without the
"SECRETS" of SKILL(ED) allotment-the manna will run out. THEY
DON'T KNOW WHAT MANA IS! Tlley Want us to just "play
the game" ( to cover any excessive arbitrariness-beyond natural
randomness) but to prevent the loss of presumed "incentive" by
presenting a face of OBSESSIVE DEVOTION thruout the play of the
game as well. This will be their DOWNFALL You Can play (just) the
ego part(with irony) or: play the" whole" life game EXTRA seriously but you can not
do BOTH-without becoming a SCHIZOPHRENIC! We have to learn
to get over this freak devotion to conscious bourgouise articulation a
a contradiction in terms) and just accept the hysteria in such a FOG OF
RENNASANCE! Our "free" will is like a seed splattering on the
windshield of FATE. The only really accessable tool is from where we
have already deviated(-our so-called "flaws" which aIl give us the key to
just how we differ from the species arctype and just how we Can
translate their chaos into something we can understand.INTERPET ,theninterpet
your interpetations!...ALL KARMA IS SET IN GRIDLOCK
NOW ANYW AY so spread that WILL and forget about "winning". THE
FLOOD WILL COME! At times of dispensation we can only let history
PLA Y itself out. When the tide is stemmed for so long all we can do is
wait for the overflow-we already GOT GAME! So stop ADDING
V ALUE to already SURPLUS CAPITAL-Stop Jerkin Offi In this
FOG OF RENNASANCE how do we even know just how much to back
off? Just how much to rearticulate and interpet or even just WHA T
codes to assign? FARM IKONS! Nuture your nature-there "IS" a map to
Gods Earth even if little petite bourgouise F ouest Gump says its all up
to the invisable hand. When, "Everything solid melts into air", there is
still the simple truth of our common heritage- we are all human- forget
about the center-there is none-de-center your selves-scatter your aim( s )
Your buckshot will still get at least one bulls-eye and the receptors for
any button you push are already there and in the end any piece of grist is
w good enough for any mill you have. !
Its just that everything has already been built...yet they want us to
act as if it wasn't keep abiding by the old codes that only apply to
the originators of all this property ...but they are gone now the ones
who built it are gone...ghosts enthroned on the machines of this culture
still calling the shots...even tho they can not truely see what is going on
now they see "me" all ofus as only part of the machine that they built;
when in fact we-being truely ALIVE...should be the ones in contro1...at
the center of the wheel since we can't share in the production of
what has already been built-they say we are underqualified to
rule since when tho is LIFE a drawback on ones resume? The truth
is we are over-qualified and since we are the ones left to deal with it
all... we are the ones who accomadate THEM...not vice versa the
only aspect we can share in now is the consumption of what has been
left to us...with the one exception of their codes the law-maker is no
different from the law the law is dead-long live the law! If it is all
BUlLT ...what need then of WILL ? these egos are part of the
machine...their spirits are whats needed to drive the
machine but not DEAD spirits not SUPER EGOS but true
spirits of "this" TIME... but there is still a spectre haunting dead but not
knowing it..dragging its chains corrupting the true social...the true
subject...the only way to control this out of control.. dead property locks them into it and us OUT 1
see a new code of affective immaterial nature better suited to the
consumptive phase where the true values of inheritance are transferred to
all the offspring of that time when the world was made. We can no
loger indentify with those we can't really BE WITH Get in front
of the codes they were made for us not us for them but don't get
caught in any dictatorship don't take your head out of your ass
completely new codes will reify too... will crumble with the dust again
one day To really be free DISPENSE with the LA W entirely then
get GRACE entirely there is no transgression of borders if WE
ARE THE BORDERS ! Why worry about breaking the law if your gonna
be forgiven anyway-if the law is not really binding in the first
place everything is cancelled out...everything is as real as rain-which
falls eqaully on the just and unjust alike The law but a
"custom" nothing else...it gives annointing to what is already there I
have a child but am as nourishing and giving as I everm was the
child is but a custom a ritual that reminds me of who I am there is no
true cathetic moment all only a willingness to be ready to recieve what
we have already been given only the false spectre that we were not
alwyas a part of what put us all here made this need of proof of will of
character and meaning of events of people etc. They lie. There is nothing
wrong with us I still don't think I can move while in this coma but since I am the only
true alive spirit what care I of their souless events ,other such
physical feedback.I will move as much as I can or need to to affect as a
switch making the subject the object and putting back the dead objective
goal stUff back in the coffm of history to stir no more hearts so pure as
we who are alive today I BELIEVE that I am arising my consciousness
is arising makeing this contradiction of codes FLIP and so I walk
whether formally DESERVING or not I walk because spirit move
matter not matter the spirit...I believe I can do it down the hall out this
room...to the intake lobby past the living spirits up to the mirror that has
haunted us for too long I know not why my love was taken or where he
is...and why we have been separated but I BELIEV that we can and must
prevail and these illusions heaped in one direction onto the gentle
subjective spirits of AMERICA must be broken..so I BELIEVE I am
able with my commatose spirit alone to break this mirror that reflects all
their filth unot me I raise my fist arid bring it down as hard as
I can against this glass barrier CRASH! ! ! ! ! ! !
There was a clatter of gnashing clunk and ping as shards of glass shattererd
piece by piece ,
scattering in an explosion of slivers!
Dawn! It was DAWN..."Whats my name? "
"No time for that,come on!"
"But........! "
"You are who you once wanted to be but thought you wem't...lets go!"
"Slow down I need to talk "
"If you could talk about it-would you need to "do" it? but if you really ,in
fact, DON'T actually
I have to do it-would you,indeed,even need to talk about it? ...look how far
down
I the rabbit hole can you go before you become a part of the rabbit hole?
...before it all becomes
just so boreing? boring even for the hole who no longer finds you such a novelty
anymore?What if your very "unique" shape is designed like a "LEGO"-to snap into
other
shapes...then how far should you go? Will we still keep our deliniation? If we
loose it-will it still
be fun anymore? ...not unless you make it a CRIME!"
"...But I had to go too far-beyond where I should be-in order to fuid the limitthe
line-thats the
only way I could then come back safely inside the--limits ,
"But then are you not more fearful...of falling over that firm line-don't you
measure the distance
each and every minute of the day?"
"Not really I am MINOR now don't even know my name whos to make this step out
of line?"
"But you can conjecture it..."
Imagine it maybe, interpet it maybe-not conjecture-its different to "interpet"
is more FICTIONAL."
"More.........?"
"more......fictional?"
"Yes, I would sop up this leaky ad-hoc irony slung slap-dash with cynicism to
disguise
the real with the surreal with water-tight sealer of heuristic faith-spread that
over the excess
doubt into the needy crevices where it can be optimized have then the very
function of
REALITY ." / "Is that not a slippery
slope?"
"Not when your MINOR...the small pedistal on which I once stood is now a grand
platform for
my perspectives,...not just a stage for mySELF!"
our name IS "STOP! IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW! I see it all now,...1 know now that I
am more a place
where others get connected-thru me-than where I connect myself
The NAME is only a bridge... to a better awareness for a healing of knicked
tragectories-split by a bump yet
still a DESTINED path-set in karma and prooved by a seething and festering- a
real place just
WOUNDED and resistant to any tailored human events that would suture it save a
estimated
universal jointing thru adaptable TYPES. Of course they Will plead for more than
DIRECnON
they want the evidence of achievment/content in the exact to establish as fact
that you indeed did
fight hard enough against the RAPE of capital enough to determine that you are
in fact a real
MAN/player. But what kind of person would accept this standard-this MEXICAN
STANDOFF
where life and dishoner are so often equated? There are times when even the
GHOSTS in the
MACHINE must die-to let in those most truely next-in-line.the younger more
active GHOSTS
From the other side, Ifl refuse to accept a free
fuck on the street,that doesn't make me a PIMP either! There is now a threat to
this very order
even beyond which I now speak, that of very secret and very undisclosed class
groups that are
silently SHUNNED-Without any identifiable discriminatory trail all simply
because it is not clear
WHO exactly OWNS WHO especially regards one moment to the next! Some can only
barely
taste this insipid horror after it has been already chewed and then they still
disavow their own
tastlessness-some would rather not know that their only refuge-their unconscious
is not really
immune from it not really a mystical hide-out but actually a major part of the
false codeing~
Ones TRUE unconscious is there,natual and mapped and ready-to-wear but is
covered up by this
spectacal-its easy and revealing FAIR USE bastardized by the real PIMPS!
Yes, to protect yourself-refuse the NAME by skateing fast so fast over their
rooftops of rooted
beings that you Will never fall in or be consumed by them! "
"OK then maybe we better talk later...lets get going NOW!"
We ran only a short distance when we fell upon a ragged over-dressed child of
about lO years of
age,almost toppleing all of us onto the floor!
"Its YOU!", the same little fellow who put me in the cage,"Your a kid!"
"Where you think your going without yer moniker whats she doing here?"
"FUCK YOU! we're getting out! Wheres that other mirror behind us lead?"
"Don't break that one too please,its my office-where I balence the payments
according to the
latest inflation figures settle down you two are now a part of somthing very
important..you
are BABY BOOMERS the product of a great W AR you guys heated up the economy to
nearly
boiling we can only stableize it now with another WAR The surplus has to go
somewhere its
over-production plain and simple... we need to shrink back the market."
"So your making babies into warriors?" To kill them off?"
64
But still make sure we win...yes, its a HEDGE."
" A HEDGE AGAINST INFLA nON?"
"Well its all TECHNO now you know and COGS IN THE WHEEL well, without
subjectivity'there is no doubt that victory will be ours..no one to answer back
or waste precious
time on REFLECTING on our orders...1n fact your baby is the fIrst prototype...
everything
depends on her or him Oh, here the little tyke now!" "OH my GOD!...Dawn snatches
the
swaddled child and hurls her to the floor in a fit of outrage, "NOT MY CHILD!"
A soft cracking noise. Blood trickles round the swaddeled helpless body."Too
many voices!",she shouts "Come together Come together speak as one!" "Babies
upon babies more than space available they fold back on themselves babies all in
a lump going nowhere foaming up like lather AND YOU WANT HER TO BE POINT MAN ON
HAMBURGER HILL! IMPOSSIBLE as ONE- IMPOSSIBLE to be anything but a mass of
opening up and closeing back..where would she go where is the territory? The
map too is a blob -MAKE THE MAP REAL GET OFF THE MAP!....................At the
top of the hill;the cause of the hold-up.ghosts...........they won't
leave.................LET THE DEAD BURY THE DEAD NOT MY CHILD! ...A GRAND STORY
neither upheld noe witheld..no dead cocoons but a BUTTERFLY is the true
negation...so fly FLY AWAY with their backward code...fly forward and make their
common walls of separaration as much a lie as their space between numbers
ignored in order to concoct their absolute VALUES...YEA! less we see it all a
LUMP and UNIVERSAL the chatter will kill more children and we will never know
their daddy! NOT GOD NOT US but the gaze from over there! from the map that
never changes for it is grander...the child lies bleeding into the real into a
real map. Because the reader and TELLER are one!
The "expierence" comes first,,,then,the consensus of it but you don't have to engage in all of it
only the math-which is before man...numbers do more than he has yet knows. To objectivize
yourself into the map is more real than any other representation even of of subjectivity. Multiples
of ONE are not factors of COUNTING per sebut degress of manifestation..of existence..of the
same ONE for they can not in fact devide time but do unify it!.WITNESS: E^pi+i=-1.......What is
measured is increase or decrease thereof..the path leads to the degree..which is a curve back to
where you started...recurcive is imaginary or REAL depending on how many rotations because its
the same as in a circle..the shape remains no matter how you turn it
The OTHER begins long before you end..no edges no mystery!
Creation,production,consumption all in one fell swoop! all difference is authentic at some
point!...or up to a "point" (which is always in fact a spere) any MYSTERY only marginal and any
militancy meant only to obscure this. For wheterher you skip it or work around it or actually
overcome it it is only to put it in the past...TO ESCAPE fuedalism then the only value.
First expierence is not MOTHER but CORD! The matter becomes not what one is embedded in
but that one is embedded at all.The womb is real but you cant know it till you come out! The
farther away from the real the better you can access it!The more you turn things around the more
actual the more axiomatic the more just a sleeping egg!
Forget the shifting sands!ESCAPE RELOCATE RECOVER! Do the map one better such charts
do not exist in a vacume GO SOCIAL SUBJECTIVITY is stuck on the ceiling..which covers all of
us...more umbilical than anything else and all cords are the same!
Slipping away without no raft only a lifeline so where does it plug in? MY BELLY HURTS! Your
not an amputee there is supposed to be nothing there now..but a button...on your tummy! any
pushing of it now or extension thereof is mere COMPENSATION! not an ID but a position in the
matrix! Its a network more than a plug...Is the whole structure sound enough..its best to assume
that its sound enough to make DISTANCE more manifest than being close. How many times
should you turn it? Just swith the sighn! The bump that throws you off karma is NOT part of the
karma itself! Keep on going the path is always right once you get back on the map!
Hyperreal does not carry the baggage of excess but is a slick value stream-lined topology
showing just where you jumped the shark of embedded gothic contradictions and made them
transitions and the new moral transparency (to be wounded is to wound)Movement is relative to
the space in progress and the space around that...a flying arrow rests!