Fire and ice 22

I cursed the snow, temperature the howling wind. And the

circumstances that required this fool hardy plan. I cursed Jacob and
his incessant ramblings towards me... This was nothing compared to
the pain I threw at myself, for once again putting Bella’s life in
danger.

I knew the worst had not begun and Bella was already an unhealthy
shade of blue.
Perhaps I should run her back to the house. We could be there in
less than ten minutes... but would that be even more dangerous?
Firstly, the exposure to the elements at high speeds... secondly,
exposure to the newborns, should our flight create a new trail for
them to pick up our sent – and whoever was with them.

I wanted, more than anything, to go to her, hold her and have the
ability to warm her –but I knew my body would only chill her
further. I was completely useless. I was endangering her life, yet
again and I could do nothing

“W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?” Bella asked, each tooth chatter

stabbing my resolve.
Maybe we should go.

“Two” From the sound of the wind, we still had four, maybe five
hours before the storm broke-and at least another two hours before
the temperature hit the bottom. What to do? I ran my hand
through my hair in frustration.

What’s he trying to do- turn her into a vampire through frost bite? He
says he loves her, and yet she suffers... Jacob thought as he was pacing
round the tent She would have been safer in La Push stupid
bloodsucker. He finally came to rest curled up outside the front of the
tent.

I hated to admit that I agreed with him at this particular moment.

“Maybe...?”

“No, I’m f-f-f-f-f-fine, r-r-r-r-really. I don’t w-w-w-want to g-go

outside.” She responded.

If only we’d made a run for it the first time the thought had occurred
to me- or the first time Jacob grumbled about it – Bella would be
warm and safe – for now... But she wouldn’t go. She didn’t want to
waste our efforts- but what would our efforts be worth if she froze?
Besides, the newborns would still be led to the meadow. We didn’t
have to wait here...

If only I could do something... anything. I filed through my

knowledge of human anatomy and survival for any insignificant
piece information that might allow me to relive the cold for her.
Outside Jacob was also feeling helpless and glum, albeit with a tenor
of accusation, He also, wished we’d made a run for it hours ago.

This isn’t good – it’s too cold for her for too long.. We need to get her
to a warm place,

“What can I do?” I almost begged her. It was torture to see her in
pain like this.

Thinking I was asking her, she just shook her head.

She can’t take much more of this. Jacob whined allowed.

Concerned for his safety, Bella called “G-g-g-g-get out of here.”

“He’s worried about you. He’s fine. His body is equipped to deal with
this.” I reassured her, frustrated that in the midst of her pain, she
would worry about... him.
Unlike hers, Jacob grumbled back. Why don’t you do something, you
useless bloodsucker... Get her out of here!
“What do you want me to do? Carry her through that? I don’t see you
making yourself useful. Why don’t you go fetch a space heater or
something?”
“I’m ok-k-k-k-Kay” Bella chattered back
I’ll get you a space heater...Let me in! He snapped unzipping the tent,
like you said MY body is better equipped to deal with this – unlike
yours.
I shuddered at the thought as the image in his head explicitly
demonstrating what he meant by a space heater.
“That was hardly necessary. And that’s the worst idea I’ve ever
heard.”
“Better than anything you’ve come up with” Jacob said “Go fetch a
space heater... I’m not a St. Bernard.”
As quickly as he could, he made his was towards the sleeping bag
Bella was occupying. Bella shivered more violently... way to go, mutt.
“I don’t like this just. Just give her the coat and get out.”
You know that’s not going to work- she needs warmed up...
“W-w-w-w-w” Bella was going into hypothermia. I was starting to
get frantic – but the thought of him...

“The parka’s for tomorrow- she’s too cold to warm it up by herself.

It’s frozen” He dropped it by the tent entrance to prove his
point.”You said you needed a space heater, and here I am”
“J-j-j-j-Jake, you’ll f-f-f-freeze” Bella chattered
“Not me, I run a toasty one-oh-eight point nine these days. I’ll have
you sweating in no time.”
The accompanying image of her in his arms- or rather his hands all
over her was almost too much... No, there had to be other options...
I grabbed his shoulder as he started to unzip her sleeping bad,
Venom flowed to my mouth, scorching my throat and burning
through my veins as the urge to kill rose within me. I had wanted
nothing more than a good reason to fight Jacob, and fight him to the
death over the past several months... But that impulse had to be
repressed. Tearing up the tent, hurting Bella in the process, wasn’t
an option.
I saw my monster, my fury... My murderous glare reflected in Jacob’s
face. “Get your hand off me leach” he growled.
“Keep your hands off her” I warned, I didn’t need much more of a
reason to tear them off his body.
“D-d-d-don’t f-f-f-fight.” Bella protested.
She’s going in to shock... are you really going to refuse to help her?
I glared back in response, not loosening my grip.
“I’m sure she’ll thank you for this when her toes turn black and drop
off.” He said out loud- for her benefit. You know this is the only way. If
you refuse, you’re basically signing her death warrant- but I guess you
wouldn’t really care about that, would you, Leach?
I did care- and he was right- this would help her- and I hated him for
it... and hated my cold dead body for not being able to do this myself.
I slunk back to my corner, giving him a warning glare, “Watch
yourself...”
Ha..ha He thought as he chuckled to himself as he knew he won. I
cringed as his anticipation- his eagerness to be in the sleeping bad
with her. Yes, he wanted her to be safe and warm- but that wasn’t all
he wanted.

“Scoot over. Bella” he eagerly opened the bag, preparing to snuggle

in. I froze in place, willing myself to stay in the corner.

A part of my mind registered the glare- the outrage in Bella’s eyes I

was pleased. She wasn’t happy about this either. I half hoped she
would outright refuse- however I realized this was necessary... for
her health...

“N-n-n-n” She was too far gone to protest.

“Don’t be stupid Jacob spat. Don’t you like having ten toes?”

I caught the image of her beautiful, delicate feet in his mind as he

crammed in to the sleeping bag and zipped it up... He was holding
her to him trying to warm her up as quickly as possible. Though I
could see it was having an immediate effect her condition, it took
every ounce of self control to not reach across and pulling him out
by his head.

It’s a good thing I got in when I did leach, she’s freezing. She’s colder
than you .He thought as he snuggled up to her. In his mind I knew
when her fingers pressed against him, with the mixture of pain and
pleaser in response. “Jeez you’re freezing Bella.”

“S-s-s-sorry.”

Don’t be –he’s hot... I wanted to tell her.

“Try to relax, you’ll be warm in a minute.” He looked up at me then
and added, as he stared across the tent, “Of course, you’d warm up
faster if you took your clothes off.”

I growled in response.

Ha- ha, he laughed in his head, “That’s just a simple fact. Survival one
–oh-one.”

“C-c-c-cut it out, Jake N-n-n-nobody really n-n-n-needs all ten

t-t-t-toes.” Bella objected.

She was already improving- and if I attacked, it would only play into
Jacob’s hand, so I stayed in my place. I needed to calm myself;
otherwise it was going to be a very long night.

“Don’t worry about the bloodsucker” he was egging me on, “He’s just
jealous.”

Well, if you are going to play games, I’ll play too. I can be the bigger
man here, plus I can remind her of every night we’ve been together
over the past months... “Of course I am” I said with every ounce of
smoothness... calmness I possessed “You don’t have the faintest idea
how much I wish I could do what you’re doing for her, mongrel.”

“Those are the breaks.” He looked down at Bella, thinking of how

heavenly she felt, wishing she would be willing to stay in his arms,
“At least you know she wishes it was you”

“True” I noticed that her shivering was all but gone and some of her
color was returning. I was relieved.

“There, feeling better?” He asked her

“Yes” she said clearly.

As much as I hated this, I was grateful he was helping her...

“Your lips are still blue. Want me to warm those up for you too? You
only have to ask.”

He smirked as he looked at me. Not that grateful, I thought. I exhaled

loudly and gave him a warning look.

Hey you can’t blame a guy for trying... The images in his head were
distasteful

“Behave yourself ” Bella echoed my thoughts. However, then she

pressed her face against his shoulder and he jumped again, as the
coolness of her skin sent shivers through his body. Then I saw
fumbling in the lower part of the sleeping bag and, in his thoughts I
saw her press her cold feet to his legs. What was she doing? I could
only hope she had no idea of the impact of her actions on Jacob’s
body- and his thoughts- in her attempt to get warm.

See she likes us warm blooded men, He fired back in his mind, as he
placed his face against her cold ear, Breathing in her scent.

I continued to sit in the corner of the over crowed tent, unable to

look away from the scene before me. It was impossible not to notice
how she had completely relaxed, how comfortable she looked in his
arms. I shoved back the jealousy, the inadequacies, and tried to not
feel anything- not to think... or to think of something else... but there
was nothing else but Bella. I reminded myself that she had said “Yes”
to me last night and replayed those moments over in my mind. Only,
at this very moment, they seemed so long ago.
She was warm now and was talking to Jacob. “Why are you so much
furrier than your friends? You don’t have to answer if I’m being
rude.”

“Because my hair is longer” She noticed! He was pleased.

“Oh. Then why don’t you cut it? Do you like being shaggy?”

His combination of embarrassment and chagrin amused me. He

didn’t want to admit his reason to grow is wondered if “shaggy”
could possibly be a good thing. Not likely. He met my eyes. Don’t you
dare tell her! His eyes glaring at me, I never agreed to fight fair I
spoke so quietly that Bella could not hear. I started to laugh under
my breath.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry”. Yawning and saying “You don’t have to
tell me.” Bella responded drowsily.

His eyes narrowed as he knew what I would do, “Oh he’ll tell you
anyway, so I might as well, I was growing my hair out because... it
seemed like you liked it better long.”

“Oh, I err, like it both ways. Jake. You don’t need to be...
inconvenienced.”

“Turns out to be very convenient tonight, so don’t worry about it.”

He thought about how her cooler body felt, pressed against his, as
she snuggled closer, drifting towards sleep. “That’s right honey, go
to sleep” He said I shook my head, trying to erase the image, when
another voice entered my mind.

Hey Jake where are you? The thoughts were accompanied with a
howl.

“Seth is here.” I informed him.

“Perfect. Now you can keep an eye on everything else, while I take
care of your girlfriend for you.” Her soft arms curled up against his
chest, his arms around her fragile frame...

“Stop it” Bella complained, echoing my silent plea.

I could hear the worst of the storm was hitting now and it would
soon begin to die down. We were almost through the worst of it.
Bella’s breathing began to deepen. Good I thought she needs to
sleep. I watched her, as I had for so many nights. I knew every stage
of her sleep. And I could tell she was drifting, but yet awake enough
to hear and, if she was paying attention, to hear what was going on. I
tried to remain silent for her sake, so she could sleep.

As Jake had, not so innocently suggested, I focused on Seth’s mind to

see if there was any news I needed to be aware of. I guessed that all
was well because at that moment, Seth was asleep and there were
no other voices coming through from Sam or the others. As I
listened, I was intrigued with his dream...

He was in the clearing, besides Leah at the back of the pack. The
newborns were approaching. The wolves were pairing off against
each newborn. He and Leah chose one, circling around. An image of
Jasper’s instruction floated in his mind, a shared link with the entire
pack. Leah made the first move. The newborn lunged. Seth saw his
opening- he closed in quickly and tore his head off the body, while
Leah closed in on its leg. It was over quickly and Seth padded over to
the pack, with a sense of pride. I was struck with the selflessness-
the purity of his dream. His joy was in the contribution to the pack,
and belonging. He didn’t need to be the hero or receive praise... he
was noble.

Another dream took over him. His arm was around Bella. His hand
grazing down her back, going lower, caressing her hips. He pulled
her leg up as his lips crushed hers, his tongue sought hers. His other
hand was at Bella’s waist, smoothing her bare skin under her
blouse... then reaching higher... I suddenly realized it wasn’t Seth’s
voice I was hearing.

“Please”... “Do you mind?!” I hissed as Jacob, interrupting the path of

his fantasy before...

“What?”

“Do you think you could attempt to control your thoughts?” Anger
and bloodlust flared up in me again and again I had to force myself
to not rip Jacob out of the sleeping bag by his long hair...

“No one said you had to listen” he snapped too quickly “Get out of
my head.”

“I wish I could. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are.
It’s like your shouting them at me.”

“I’ll try to keep it down.” He whispered sarcastically... I’ll bet it just

makes you burn that I could do those things with her without
threatening her life. I can be a real boyfriend a real man with her- a
real life with her. And not worry that one wrong move could crush her!
I’m sure you can’t even give her children... or a real life. I could give
her so much more than you, Leach!

“Yes” I answered dimly. He was right. In so many ways Bella would

be better with him. She could have a real and full life. He could give
her those things I never could, “I’m jealous of that too.”

“I figured it was like that... sort of evens the playing field up a little
doesn’t it.”You would think so he added silently looking at me, But
Bella still chose me I chuckled, “In yours dreams.” Realizing how
recently true that was.

“You know, she still change her mind” Jacob taunted, “Considering
all the things I could do with her that you can’t. At least not without
killing her, that is,” He illustrated exactly what he could do with his
thoughts...

I frowned as I tried to ignore the images; they were a minor

irritation in comparison with his words, for this struck at my
uneasiness over Bella’s and my agreement for marriage- and the
following activity’s... Despite Carlisle’s reassurance, I still worried. I
didn’t need to think about that tonight- and I certainly didn’t want to
hear any more from Jacob’s mind- from his fantasies.

“Go to sleep Jacob. You’re starting to get on my nerves.”

“I think I will. I’m really very comfortable.” He looked at me

knowingly as he consciously thought about her rich hair flowing
over his arm, her cool soft body curled up against his, lightly
caressing him with each breath, her scent the way her hands now
lay against his bare chest...

I tore my mind away, searching for a distraction. I concentrated on

Seth’s earlier dream and considered how it echoed my own feelings.
If it weren’t for Bella’s wishes, I would be down at the clearing
tomorrow- fighting for Bella’s life. I, too, wanted to contribute- to be
there with my family- instead of being up here, useless, not able to
keep Bella safe from the elements...
Jacob’s words had sunk in- at the very heart of my insecurity. I
wasn’t blind to the fact that her life would be greater with him. But
she chose me. She said “Yes” to me... And I was selfish enough to
honor that choice. However, I worried- would she ever change her
mind? Would she tell me “No” and choose Jacob, and the life he
could give her instead?

Man he looks like he’s about to bust a brain cell. What I wouldn’t give
to see inside his head... ya, he’d never let me...

“Maybe I would” I responded to his unmasked question.

“But would you be honest?” He was skeptical- and rightly so.

Would I be totally honest about how I truly felt? Probably not. But
there were some things I would be willing to share, a certain level that
I could go to, especially if it stopped his annoying fantasies.

“You can always ask and see” I challenged him.

“Well, you see inside my head- let me see inside yours tonight, its
only fair.”

“Your head is full of questions. Which one do you want me to

answer?” Then I can decide if I’m willing...

“The jealousy... it has to be eating at you. You can’t be as sure of

yourself as you seem. Unless you have no emotions at all.” Or are you
a heartless leach?

He struck straight at the issue that plagued me the most- one I

wasn’t really eager to share with him- my insecurity over my hold
on Bella- my worry that she might, some day, wake up and realize
how much more he could give her than I. No I wasn’t willing to open
up completely to him, but perhaps I could answer honestly...

“Of course is it. Right now it’s so bad that I can barely control my
voice. Of course it’s even worse when she’s away from me, with you,
and I can’t see her.”

I was aware that Bella’s breathing still wasn’t deep as when she was
fully asleep... I wasn’t positive, but I was pretty sure she could still
hear, and if so, she would be listening. I would have to choose my
responses carefully.

“Do you think about it at all the time? Does it make it hard to
concentrate when she’s not with you?”Cause that’s how I feel all the
time...

“Yes and no” I tried to find a way for him to understand, “My mind
doesn’t work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more
things at one time. Of course that means that. I’m always able to
think of you, always able to wonder if that’s where her mind is,
when she’s quiet and thoughtful.”

I wonder, dose she really think of me? When I’m nit around? Could
that be true?

“Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often.” I answered his
unspoken question, frowning at remembrances of all times I wanted
to see inside her head, like now, wondering what she thought of this
conversation... “More often than I like. She worries that you’re
unhappy. Not that you don’t know that. Not that you don’t use that.”
My accusation was for Bella’s benefit- let her consider that...

“I have to use whatever I can. I’m not working with your

advantages- advantages like her knowing she’s in love with you,” He
admitted.

“Yes, that helps.” But that could change... would it? I wondered.

“She’s in love with me, too you know.” Jacob insisted

I didn’t deny it. I suspected it to be true. My foolish departure had

brought them together- he filled the hole I created, and for that I
suffered the connection he made in her life- the connection that was
still there. It was my own doing, my fault.

“But she doesn’t know it” he sighed...

“I can’t tell you if you’re right.” I answered honestly, if not

completely...

“Does it bother you? Do you wish you could see what she’s thinking,
too?”

If he could read my thoughts at this moment I would have been

yelling Yes... So again I answered honestly “Yes...and no, again she
likes it better this way, and though it sometimes drives me insane,
I’d rather she was happy.”

The wind suddenly gusted around the tent in the storm’s last furor
before retreat, sending a chill through the air. Jacob reflexively
tightened his grip protectively and, for once, his thoughts were pure.
I felt a wave of gladness, of appreciation for him then- glad he was
here to keep her warm, if not entirely happy with the meant. In the
end, it was a small price to pay to have her alive... to have her for
eternity. I could see, from his perspective, he gained very little by
this. He had a night to hold her body, but, in the end, she would be
with me- at least I hoped- and his actions would only prolong his
suffering as he would stand by and watch her choose me over him.
In a sense, his actions were selfless...

“Thank you” I admitted, “Odd as this might sound. I suppose I’m glad
you’re here, Jacob.”

“You mean, as much as I’d love to kill you, I’m glad she’s warm,
right?”

Yes, that was about right. “It’s an uncomfortable truce, isn’t it?”

“I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am,” He was pleased by

the revelation.

“I’m not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do.”

anymore... recalling my earlier attempts to keep them apart. Carlisle
gad given me the same basic advice then that I passed on to him
now, “It doesn’t help your case, you know.”

“You have more patience then I do.”

“I should. I’ve had a hundred years to gain it. Of waiting for her.”

“So... at what point did you decide to play the very patient good
guy?”

“When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It’s
not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the...” Hate, fury,
desire to tear you limb from limb “..Less civilized feelings I may have
for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees
through me, but I can’t be sure.”
“I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose,
she might not choose you.”

She already choose me dog! I wanted to wipe that smug look off his
face... but Bella... “That was part of it, but only a small part. We all
have our moments of doubt.” “Mostly I was worried that she’d hurt
herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I’d accepted that she
was more or less safe with you- as safe as Bella ever is”- I smiled
grimly at her perchance for trouble, especially given the current
circumstances, “It seemed best to stop driving her to extremes.”

“I’d tell her all this, but she’d never believe me.”

Oh I’m pretty sure she’s been listening the entire time, I chuckled, “I
know,” was all I said.

“You think you know everything,” he grumbled.

“I don’t know the future.” Even with Alice’s vision, as clear and as
strong as it is. I can’t be sure she will always be mine. If she changes
her mind, Alice’s vision will be replaced with a new one... And who’s
to say she’ll even stick with me once we are married? Once she’s
changed, she could hate me for dooming her to this existence... the
depth of my self-doubt, my uncertainty, wasn’t something I was
willing to share with either of them.

“What would you do if she changed her mind?”

“I don’t know that either.” I was still in my worries.

Jacob laughed at the thought- the anticipation... “Would you trya nd

kill me?” His thoughts betrayed his over confidence in his ability to
defeat me if it came to that. I wondered if he’d ever have the
opportunity to test that theory, and find out otherwise...

“No” I answered again truthfully.

“Why not?” afraid of defeat? He taunted.

“Do you really think I would hurt her that way?”

Oh. I never thought of it that way... “Yeah, you’re right. I know that;s
right. But sometimes..”

“Sometimes it’s an intriguing idea” I admitted.

Jacob stifled a burst of laughter as that in his sleeping bag... “Exactly”

He was quiet for a moment, mistakenly making sure Bella was still
asleep.

“What is it like? Losing her?” He started back again satisfied that his
sudden outburst appeared to have not disturbed her. “When you
thought that you’d lost her forever? How did you... cope?”

His question was more than mere curiosity as he thought to when

she chose to become a vampire. This was, in his mind, death. I had
enough compassion to see that he needed some words of comfort-
but to recall those dark hours...

“That’s very difficult for me to talk about” I said quietly.

Jacob was, for once, quiet in both voice and mind... waiting... perhaps
looking for some hope once she was truly gone. I took a deep breath
and tried to say as much as I could, understanding I had no hope to
give him. I simply could not exist without her. I started with the
easiest place.
“There were two different times that I thought that. The first time,
when I thought I could leave her... that was... bearable. Because I
thought that she would forget me and it would be like I hadn’t
touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep
my promise that I wouldn’t interfere again. It was getting close- I
was fighting myself but I knew I wasn’t going to win; I would have to
come back...”just to check on her. “That’s what I would have told
myself, anyway. And if I’d found her reasonably happy”... I cringed at
the thought of how close it almost became. “I like to think that I could
have gone away again.”

“But she wasn’t happy. And I would have stayed. That’s how she
convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were
wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me...
what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of
what it did to her when I left- what it does to her when I leave. She
feels horrible about bringing that up, but she’s right I’ll never be able
to make up for that, but I’ll never stop trying anyway.” I hoped she
really heard what I had said then, and accepted the words as truth
as she believed that I would think she was sleeping. I hoped that, if
she really heard and believed, it might bring her some comfort... and
healing.

Jacob was picturing the day he demonstrated to me so vividly

exactly what it had done to her, wondering if he hadn’t, would I be
here in the tent now. Or would he be here alone with Bella? He
shook his head, realizing the entire “camping trip” would not have
happened if not for his pain. It was a passing thought...

The he considered my earlier conversation. I saw him in Bella’s

truck, embracing her, bending down to kiss her... the possible
surrender in her eyes... before suddenly freezing up. What if he’d
had a few more days, weeks, months...? Maybe he could have made
her happy- and I would have left? Would they be together now? The
possibility- how close he believed he had come to having her... was
tangible in his mind. It gave him hope it was still possible- making
the alternative all the more unbearable.

“And the other time- when you thought she was dead?” He pictured
Bella- perfected and pale, cold with golden eyes and shivered at the
thought.

“Yes, it will probably feel like that to you, won’t it? The way you
perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore. But
that’s who she’ll be.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“I can’t tell you how it felt. There aren’t words.” The emotion of that
memory over took me and I hated him for bringing it to mind.

Jacob tightened his grip on Bella, fearful for her as he saw me lose
control for a moment. As if would or could ever hurt her...

“But you left because you didn’t want to make her a bloodsucker.
You want her to be human.” The image of how close he believed he’d
gotten was still close to mind... a fragrant aroma... i realized now he
would fight harder the before...

I calmed myself as I explained... trying to make both of them

understand, “Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I
knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, the
best one for Bella, would be that she didn’t feel as strongly for me- if
she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would
never change the way I felt. You think of me as... living stone- hard
and cold. That’s true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare
for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when
Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. There’s no going
back”...

“The second alternative, the one I’d originally chosen, was to stay
with her throughout her human life. It wasn’t a good option for her,
to waste her life with someone who couldn’t be human with her, but
it was the alternative I could mostly easily face. Knowing all along
that, when she died, I would find a way to die too, Sixty years,
seventy years- it would seem like a very, very short time to me...” I
pictured the incident with James... Her 18th birthday... “But then it
proved to be too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity
with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did.
Or hung over us... waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldn’t
get those sixty years id I stayed near her while she was human.”

“So I chose option three.” I cringed as the thought, “Which turned

out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose
to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first
alternative. It didn’t work, and it nearly killed us both.

“What do I have left is the fourth option? It’s what she wants- at
least, she thinks she dose. I’ve been trying to delay her, to give her
time to find a reason to change her mind, but she’s very” I sorted
through a list to find the right word “Stubborn. You know that. I’ll be
lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of
getting older, and her birthday is in September...” and she has
agreed to marry me, after which, changing her may become
necessary... I wondered if, hearing this, she would see that staying
human was a better option. I shook my head, knowing her decision
was made.

“I like option one.” Jacob muttered, clinging to the hope that had
recently sprung within him. I wanted, so much to crush it- knowing
it would push him to fight even harder.
“You know exactly how much I hate to accept this, but I can see that
you do love her... in a way. I can’t argue with that anymore.”

I was amused, if not annoyed, at the argument he was beginning to

lay down, to convince me to walk away.

“Given that, I don’t think you should give up on the first alternative,
not yet,” He continued, “I think there ‘s a very good chance that she
would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn’t jumped off that
cliff in March...” I could kick myself for not being there, for being late...
If I had shown up when I said... He wondered “and if you’d waited
another six months to check on her...” The vision came back to his
mind- where he had hoped they were headed, “Well, you might have
found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan.”

His memories flicked- hanging out in the garage- motorcycling- the

night at the movies where he insisted on holding her hand- his
attempts to hold her... to kiss her- playing on her sympathies... it
wasn’t much of a plan but he was persistent.

“Maybe it would have worked it was a well thought- out plan.” I lied,
chuckling

“Yeah” He sighed, realizing the lost opportunity... “But, give me a

year bl”- I guess I would get farther if I was polite he thought “Edward
I really think I could make her happy. She’s stubborn, no one knows
that better that I do, but she’s capable of healing. She would have
healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Renee, and
she could grow up, and have kids and ... be Bella.”

I saw the picture in his mind- the two of them in a small house in the
woods in La Push, kids running around the yard, Charlie coming
down for dinner... Renee, visiting at Christmas. With tenacious hope
he clung to that image.

“You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that
plan. She thinks you’re very unselfish... are you really? Can you
consider that the idea that I might be better for her than you are?”

That vision-Jacob’s vision- was exactly the reasons for my

uncertainties. I feared that she would figure it out- and here he had
so carefully laid it all out in his arguments- her true option- life. And
I knew she heard it all... she was still, too still, she had heard and was
listening. Would she change her mind? As carefully as Jacob had laid
out his argument... more carefully, actually. I chose my words-
answering truthfully, but laying out my counter argument... fighting
back.

“I have considered it. In some ways, you would be better suited for
her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and you’re
strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from
everything that conspires against her. You have done that already,
and I’ll owe you for that for as long as I live- forever- whichever
comes first...”

“I even asked Alice if she could see that- see if Bella would be better
off with you. She couldn’t answer of course, she can’t see you, and
then Bella’s sure of her course, for now.”

“But I’m not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before,
Jacob I won’t try to force her into that first option again. As long as
she wants me, I’m here.”

“And if she were to decide that she wanted me?”

 I raised an eyebrow, challenging his hope...

“Okay, it’s a long shot, I’ll give you that.” “I would let her go” I
answered truthfully, regretfully

“Just like that?” Don’t you love her at all?

I realized that might be the way my response looked to Bella as well.

I explained, “In the sense that I’d never show her how hard it was for
me, yes, but I would keep watch,” I was building to the crux of my
argument, the fact that I needed Bella to hear and consider, “you see,
Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you
wouldn’t have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings,
hoping for that to happen.”

As if that would ever happen to me, He snorted, “well, you’ve been

much more honest that I had any right to expect.”Bloodsucker
“Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head”

“As I said, I’m feeling oddly grateful for your presents in her life
tonight. It was the least I could do... You know, Jacob if it weren’t for
the fact that we’re natural enemies and that you’re also trying to
steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.” I
was feeling generous.

“Maybe... if you weren’t a disgusting vampire who was planning to

suck out the life of the girl I love...well, no not even then.”

I chuckled at his honesty. “Can I ask you something?”

“Why would you have to ask?”

“I can only hear if you think of it. It’s just a story that Bella seemed
reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about the thirt
wife...?”

“What about it?” He said as images of the story flooded his mind- a
woman in the center of a battle- a human-knife in her hand-stabbing
herself... the vampire drawn to the scent- the wolf closing in-
victorious, but at great loss... I hissed...

“What?”

It suddenly clicked together- her desire to be at the battle, pulling

out her hair, spreading her blood all over the path- she would
endanger her life to help us win. She would sacrifice her self... “Of
course! Of course!” Anger boiled up within me. Of all the foolish,
stupid stories to exposé her too- she didn’t need any further
encouragement to endanger her life- she did it quite enough on her
own. “I’d rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves,
Jacob.”

“You don’t like the leeches being painted the bad guys? You know
they are. Then and now.”

Idiot! “I really couldn’t care less about that part. Can’t you guess
which character Bella would identify with?”

He flicked through the images while I cringed. His eyes widened and
eyebrows rose in understanding, “Oh Ugh. The third wife. Okay I see
your point.”

Only he didn’t, really- he hadn’t made the jump to the potential

consequences...

“She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as

she puts it.” I sighed, now very glad that I was staying with her
tomorrow, “That was the secondary reason for my staying with her
tomorrow. She’s quite inventive when she wants something.”

I cringed at Jacob’s picturing her there in the clearing, amidst the

newborns, knife in hand I closed my eyes as if I could shut out the
vision.

“You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as
the story did”

Partially- he was right... I recalled the image Jasper had of her

standing in the clearing, driving the newborns mad while we easily
picked them off... and partially there would be nothing gained in
placing blame. She wouldn’t be there. “Neither side meant any
harm.”

“And when dose this little truce end?” Jacob asked, “First light? Or do
we wait till after the fight has ended?”

I listened to him consider and then spoke the words as he did, “First
light.”

“Sleep well, Jacob. Enjoy the moment.” I was strangely

magnanimous... and I was done sharing my innermost thoughts.
Plus, Bella still wasn’t in deep sleep. The part of her that loved us
both- that would worry for either of us being in pain, would keep
her alert, and she needed rest...

A russet hand, glazed down her back, cupping her posterior... then
further... the other hand traveling up from her waist... his tongue
pressed into her warm mouth... I groaned. At least he wasn’t very
original, or inventive. “I didn’t mean quite so literally.”

“Sorry you could leave you know- give us some privacy.”

Not on your life... Hmmm, on your life, that is intriguing... “Would you
like me to help you sleep, Jacob?”

“You could try. It would be interesting to see who walked away,

wouldn’t?” there was no doubt in his mind.

“Don’t tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn’t that perfect.” There
was no doubt in mine either.

Jacob laughed, “I’d rather not move just now, if you don’t mind.”

Just to shove it in, his fantasy picked up where if left off. I briefly
imagined pulling him out of the sleeping bad, piece by piece... but the
I thought of Bella, lying peacefully... and so I replaced Jacob with
myself, reliving every moment of the previous night in perfected
clarity. Holding her in my arms as I hummed her to sleep...
 Monster 23

With the exception of the twenty-four hours when I believed that

Bella had died, this had been the worst night of my existence. Sitting,
in the small, now too crowded tent, watching her sleep in his arms,
was excruciating.

And then the sleep talking began. At first it was wonderful…

relieving… and deeply satisfying.

“Mmm, Edward” Bella said drowsily… “Edward…”

Jacob frowned, avoiding my gaze… I knew this was killing him,

hearing her say my name… evidence of her love… her choice. I was
pleased! Well, full of vindictive glee was probably more accurate.

“I love you, Edward.” She continued… my heart sang.

She was quiet for a time, and then became restless. Her dreams must
be reflecting the stress of the coming day. She would worry about
my family, and the dogs, err, werewolves from La Push.

“No…. no…” She murmured, followed by a deep breath, as she

twisted side to side, trying to avoid some imaginable foe.

Jacob looked up at me then, worry crossed his face. I understood.

Too many nights I had held Bella in my arms, comforting her as her
dreams turned dark… Worried about what was causing her such
pain. I could only give him a comforting look back, as if to say, it will
pass. He seemed to accept that and ran one hand along her arm as
he drifted back off.

Jacob slept sparingly. As difficult a night it was for me, I could tell he
wasn’t able to relax either. He would need some rest if he wanted to
be sharp against the newborns. I hoped he would be asleep a few
hours in before daybreak.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t fully asleep when the next bout of talking

started. Unfortunately because I would have much rather he’d slept
through this part.

“Don’t go… don’t go… Jacob…. My Jacob…” The way her voice
caressed his name left little doubt of the depth of her feelings for
him. Jacob didn’t avoid looking up at me then.

See, bloodsucker. She does love me. He thought giving me a smug

look.

I was the one now avoiding his eyes. I kept my expression blank, but
my heart wrenched. What I wanted to do was hold my head in my
hands, bowed in my brokenness and self-pity. Instead, I squared up
my shoulders and stared back at him.

“She worries about you – you know she does.. Especially today of all
days…”

Ya, I don’t think that was what that was about. He smiled back, slyly,
as he pulled her closer to his chest.

His mind was vulgar. I hated being a party to it at times like this. I
hardly thought that was what was going on in her dream. Bella was
good and pure. She didn’t dreamlike – that…

However, I could see, now that his resolve was hardened. He would
fight for her with every ounce of his being. He would do everything
in his power to win her – or win her back as he viewed it. In his
mind, she was his, and I had stolen her by coming back when I did…
And I wondered if he was right.
He dozed off again and I appreciated that his dreams now focused
on the battle that was only a few hours away. Unlike Seth, his
dreams focused on taking down the largest newborns, more than
anyone else. In his dream, we were all in awe of his prowess. In his
dream, Bella gazed over the pile of body parts, evidence of his
ability, and chose him.

The sky was clear and the sun shone through the tent. As the light
brightened, I could hear Bella’s breathing change, lighten. She was
waking up. She pulled away from Jacob, a scowl on her face,
brightening my mood considerably.

She was struggling now, as his arm tightened around her. I wanted,
more than anything to tear that arm off to help her out, but the
rational part of my mind could see that she was in no danger. She
was just trying to free herself from the bondage of sleep… Besides,
she wouldn’t like that. She loved him, too. The thought came
unbidden to my mind, but seared pain throughout my system.

She looked up at me then. “Is it any warmer out there?” she

whispered, trying not to disturb him.

“Yes. I don’t think the space heater will be necessary today.” I

replied grimly.

She struggled to free herself enough to unzip the bag and escape,
without disturbing him… always concerned about him. I wanted to
help her, but I didn’t think she would appreciate the type of help I
was considering. It certainly wouldn’t leave him undisturbed.

“Some help?” she asked quietly

“Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?” I smiled in
anticipation, knowing she would never agree to that…

“No, thank you. Just get me free. I’m going to get heat stroke.”

I reached across and quickly unzipped the bag, not displeased that
he fell out onto the cold floor. I smiled as the shock and pain of the
sudden contact registered in his mind.

“Hey!” He complained. Then things went terribly wrong. In reaction

to the cold, he quickly spun off the floor, pinning Bella on her back. I
heard the wind whoosh out of her. She had no air. In a fraction of a
second I reacted, lifting Jacob and throwing him against the tent
wall, bending one of the poles, almost bringing the entire structure
down on us.

Venom rose in my mouth as I took a defensive position, Bella safely

behind me. Snarls ripped out at me as I watched Jacob crouched on
the other side of the tent, growling back at me. His body shivered as
he began the transformation to wolf. My mind registered the
following at once: If Jacob phased now, the tent would be ripped to
shreds and there would be little to stop a full blown fight from
erupting. The previous night had been too much for either of us,
tension had built and we were both prepared to fight. Bella was
curled up behind me; safely breathing normally, yet her heart beat
indicated her fear. I planned our escape – if I acted quickly, I should
be able to tear an opening in the tent behind me and push Bella out
before she was part of the attack, though it might cost me a limb.
Outside Seth’s snarled at both of us, “Settle down, you’re going to
bring down the entire tent. Jacob, save it for the newborns.”

In the next instant, Bella was scrambling to her feet, moving toward
Jacob. Shock registered in my face as she put herself right in the line
of fire – inches from a volatile, young werewolf who was, at that
point, struggling for control.
“Stop it, stop it!” she yelled as I prepared to pull her away from the
danger. “Stop it, now.” She yelled directly at me, as she kept a hand
on Jacob – as if she could hold him back, as if she wouldn’t be hurt,
or maybe even killed, if he fazed now.

I froze in place, prepared to act quickly, but I could see Jacob gaining
control. Outside, Seth was coaching him, telling him to hold on, save
it for the newborns, to not put Bella in harm’s way. I could see it was
helping.

“Jacob, are you hurt?” She asked him. I was shocked. He had almost
crushed her, was moments from fazing, which would have been
disastrous, and she was worried that I had hurt HIM?

“Of course not!” he hissed. If she wasn’t here, I’d tear you limb from
limb.

Already full of bloodlust and rage, I just glared back. Bring it on!

She turned on me, “That wasn’t nice. You should say sorry.”

“You must be joking” I was incredulous, “he was crushing you!”

“Because you dumped him on the floor! He didn’t do it on purpose,

and he didn’t hurt me.”

I groaned. Of course, she would protect him – he who needs no

protection from her. I sighed deeply, calming myself, placating to her
request, “My apologies, dog.”

“No harm done” and now we know who she really loves, he gloated
back.
I ignored his barb, and focused back on Bella. She was cold. I picked
up the parka Jacob had brought in last night and offered it to her to
keep warm. I didn’t want to have to resort to the means we had to
last night. “Here”

“That’s Jacob’s.” she objected.

“Jacob has a fur coat.” I reminded her. Why doesn’t he leave us and
use it, I wanted to say to him.

“I’ll just use the sleeping bag again, if you don’t mind.” And Bella is
always welcome to join me. Jacob responded, “I wasn’t quite ready to
wake up. That wasn’t the best night’s sleep I ever had.”

“It was your idea.” I pointed out. It wasn’t like it was my choice.

Jacob was ready to drift off, “I didn’t say it wasn’t the best night I’ve
ever spent. Just that I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was
never going to shut up.” He reminded me… I cringed.

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” I murmured back.

“Didn’t you have a nice night, then?” He taunted me. Afraid to hear
what is really going on in your girlfriend’s head? Afraid she might
choose a real man?

“It wasn’t the worst night of my life.” I responded honestly…

“Did it make the top ten?” He pushed, eye’s glittering in pleasure at

my obvious discomfort.

“Possibly.” I answered, a little less honestly.

Ha, he thought, as he closed his eyes. I wanted to rip that smug

expression right off his face. Actually I wanted to rip is face from his
head, but I settled for giving him something to think about instead.

“But, if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not
have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about
that.”

His eyes flashed opened, speculating what the top ten nights could
have been, anger rising as a result of his speculations… He got up,
“You know what? I think it’s too crowded in here.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Bella gave me a small shove at that, as my supposed rudeness. I

ignored her jab, only too pleased to have that dog finally out of my
tent and away from my Bella, my fiancée!

“Guess I’ll catch up on my sleep later, then.” He gave me a pained

expression, playing on Bella’s sympathies, “I need to talk to Sam
anyway.” He said as he left the tent.

I was just about to breathe a sigh of relief at his departure – to use

the time to remind Bella of why she said ‘yes’ to me – to wipe ‘my
Jacob’ from her mind, when she reached out, “Jake, wait”

He jerked his arm out of her reach. He knew how to play the
wounded second choice, and he played it well.

“Please, Jake? Won’t you stay?” She pushed further, striking daggers
into my heart.

“No.” he said coldly. Yes, he was good at playing his part, playing
right into her sympathies. Why couldn’t she see though him? I could
see the pain in her face at his rebuff. He softened his look
momentarily, “Don’t worry about me, Bells. I’ll be fine, just like I
always am.” He forced a laugh, “Sides, you think I’m going to let Seth
go in my place – have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right.” He
snorted, every word well placed, pointing out that I wouldn’t be part
of the fight and he would be – assuring her of his safety, and yet
pointing out the danger. Yes, he was skilled in his fight for her
affections.

“Be careful” I cringed as I could hear the concern, the care in her
voice.

“Give it a rest, Bella” was his departing rebuff – yes he was skilled.

I wondered, had anything changed? She was my fiancée, but was she
wavering? Was she considering her options, in light of my rudeness
this morning – and his well played hand? What could I do now to
mend the broken fences between us? She leaned against me, but
though she was physically here, I felt she was really outside, with
Jacob.

I listened as Seth gave Jacob an update on the plans for the battle.
Alice had been paying particular attention and was feeding updates
through Sam to Seth on the expected arrival of the newborns. She still
couldn’t see who was with them, but their arrival was imminent. I
thought about the impending battle. Though Alice’s visions showed
success, with no losses, I still wished I were able to be there, to fight
alongside my family. Any shift in plan, any change in decision, could
change that vision… If anything happened to one of them, I would
carry the guilt for the rest of my existence.

“How much longer?” she asked.

“Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so.”

“We stay together. No matter what.” Bella said as she laced her hand
through mine.

“No matter what.” I agreed, at the same time wondering if that were
really true, in Bella’s and my case.

“I know, I’m terrified for them, too.” She mistakenly took my

melancholy for worry for their safety. Yes, I was worried, but I knew
they would be fine. At least I was fairly sure.

“They know how to handle themselves,” I said, assuring both of us,

then teased, trying to lighten the mood, “I just hate missing the fun.”
Also reminding her that I would be there fighting for her, except that
I chose to be here, with her…

She made a face at that. She didn’t like my making light of the battle
before us. She imagined that someone would get hurt and hated the
idea of others putting themselves in danger’s path for her… selfless,
as always.

I put a comforting arm around her shoulder, “Don’t worry.” I tried to

kiss away the furor in her brow.

“Sure, sure.” I cringed as I heard Jacob’s familiar phrase between her

lips. I needed to loosen his hold on her.

“Do you want me to distract you?” I smiled, running a finger along

her cheekbone. She shivered… not in a good way… “Maybe not right
now.” I pulled away from her.

“There are other ways to distract me.” She said hopefully.

“What would you like?” I desperately needed a distraction myself,

and wanted to reconnect with her in some profound way. I felt so
distant from her right now.

“You could tell me about your ten best nights,” She suggested, “I’m
curious.”

I smiled, of course she was curious. What a wonderful way to

connect. I chuckled, making this into a game, “Try to guess.”

She shook her head, “There’re too many nights I don’t know about. A
century of them.”

“I’ll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened
since I met you.”

“Really?” She responded in surprised pleasure.

How could it be otherwise? “Yes really” I said softly, “and by quite a

wide margin, too.”

She considered that for a moment, her brow creased. “I can only
think of mine.”

Even better… “They might be the same” I encouraged. I would love

to hear hers…

“Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed.” I remembered
that night, lying with her in my arms, hearing those words that made
my world complete.

“Yes, that’s one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my
favorite part.”

“That’s right, I was talking that night, too.” She recalled…

The first time she said she loved me. “Yes.”

A blush spread across her cheeks then, as she was deep in thought. I
wondered where she had gone too, was she remembering that night
– or something else.

“What did I say last night?” she said, almost afraid to ask.

Her question, the way she looked almost guilty, afraid of my

reaction, made me wonder if she already had an idea – and if the
words were only the tip of the iceberg… Was she dreaming about
him? I steadied myself, shrugging, not trusting my voice.

“That bad?”

“Nothing too horrible.” You didn’t say you loved him… but still…

“Please tell me.”

“Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.”

“That’s not bad.” She seemed relieved.

Tell her the truth, I heard Jacob’s thoughts from outside the tent. He
was listening…

Though I hated to do it, perhaps it was better to get this out in the
open, to find out if things had changed overnight… To find out if
there were more to her words… “Near the end, though, you started
mumbling some nonsense about ‘Jacob, my Jacob’. Your Jacob
enjoyed that quite a lot.” I sat back and waited… waited for her to
deliver the words that would tear my world apart.

“Sorry” she started and I braced myself. This was going to be bad,
“That’s just the way I differentiate.”

“Differentiate?” What did that mean? Is that how she chose between
us… was the fact that she called him “my” mean that she had chosen
him?

“Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the
one who annoys the hell out of me.” She explained.

Jacob snorted outside. I smiled… So it wasn’t what he thought. I

replayed her words – she said the Jacob she liked… not loved…
liked… I felt moderately better; it seemed she wasn’t going to leave
me yet.

“That makes sense.” I was enjoying this game, especially since I

knew Jacob was listening… “Tell me another favorite night.”

“Flying home from Italy.”

I replayed that night – her back in my arms, knowing she was alive –
we were both alive. Still, her hesitancy, her holding back… her doubt
in my love, believing that I would leave as soon as we were back on
American soil.

“Is that not one of yours?” she asked

“No, it is one of mine, actually, but I’m surprised it’s on your list.
Weren’t you under the ludicrous impression I was just acting from a
guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors
opened?”

“Yes, but, still, you were there.”

I felt a flood of pleasure at her words. She loved me, even when she
believed I didn’t love her back, even when I had hurt her so
profoundly with my lies… “You love me more then I deserve.” I said
as I pressed my lips to her hair.

Her light musical laugh comforted me further, “The next would be

the night after Italy.”

“Yes, that’s on the list. You were so funny.”

“Funny?”

“I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to

convince you that you were awake.”

“I’m still not sure. You’ve always seemed more like a dream than
reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?”

“No.” I only considered the consequences of my actions for half a

second. I knew Jacob had been listening to our conversation. He had
been hopeful when we discussed the sleep talking last night that
perhaps Bella would make a move, especially after his little
performance this morning. He deserved to know, I told myself, but,
in truth, I wanted him to know. I had wanted to take the knowledge
and shove it down his throat so many times last night… and now, the
opportunity presented itself, and all I had to do was answer
honestly… Only a small part of my mind wondered if Bella would not
forgive me this… “That would be two nights ago, when you finally
agreed to marry me.”

What – marry you? I heard the seething outside at the same time I
registered the expression on her face. Perhaps she had changed her
mind…

“That doesn’t make your list?” I waited with bated breath… I could
hear Jacob’s thoughts outside the tent, waiting, hopefully, for Bella
to turn me down.

“Yes…” relief “it does. But with reservations.”

HA – reservations… Jacob waited in silence.

“I don’t understand why it’s so important to you. You already had

me forever.”

Her confirmation was music to my ears and a knife in Jacob’s heart.

His thoughts became muddled, confused. Anger, furry flowed
through him, as I could sense him trying to control himself from
fazing.

“A hundred years from now, when you’ve gained enough

perspective to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you.”

“I’ll remind you to explain – in a hundred years.”

That was the final straw: The confirmation that she would not only
marry me, but join me in this existence – that she would willingly
become a vampire. Jacob fazed.

“Are you warm enough?” I asked.

“I’m fine, why?”

A howl broke through the morning silence – all the anguish and pain
of loss, all the hopes that had built up so high the night before – the
knowledge of what had truly been lost, in that single cry, before
Jacob ran off into the forest. I could hear in his mind that, as he went
off to battle, we went off to die.
“Because your space heater has reached his limit…” The last words I
heard as he ran away I echoed in my mind and heard myself
repeating, “Truce over.”

“Jacob was listening” she whispered.

“Yes.”

“You knew.”

“Yes.” She would now know how truly monstrous I was. I had many,
many excuses for my behavior. It was only fair to him to know. He
shouldn’t be laboring under false pretenses. I was only answering
Bella’s question honestly… But all those were secondary to the truth.
I was a monster. My behavior was reprehensible.

She just stared at me with unseeing eyes. Would she change her
mind now?

“I never promised to fight fair… And he deserves to know.” The

words were hollow and meaningless, even as I said them. My heart
crushed within me as I saw the pain take over her face, her body – as
her head fell into her hands. I deserved whatever she gave me now. I
deserved to lose her. I deserved death.

“Are you angry with me?” I cringed, knowing the answer… knowing I
deserved her wrath.

“Not you. I’m horrified at me.”

And then I saw in her the character that only she possessed. That
she would take this all on herself – my monstrosity, my faults, my
doomed soul… She would take it all on. She was my savior and I
didn’t not deserve her.
“Don’t torment yourself.” I pleaded. Please, be angry with me. Be
furious with me, anything but this.

“Yes... I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I

wouldn’t want to leave any part of him unharmed.”

“He knew what he was doing.” He had played her every step of the
way – putting him in harm’s way in hopes of winning her. Of course,
these explanations were only relevant in easing her guilt. I had
known better.

“Do you think that matters? Do you think I care whether it’s fair or
whether he was adequately warned? I’m hurting him. Every time I
turn around, I’m hurting him again… I’m a hideous person.”

There were no words I could say to ease her guilt. Nothing I could do
to take this upon myself, where it belonged. She would accept the
blame herself; beating her up, because that was who she was. I
pulled her into my arms, as I had wanted to last night and soothed
her as best I could, “No, you’re not.” I am…

“I am! What’s wrong with me?” she fought against me and I let her
go. Maybe she had realized it was me who was in the wrong. It was
me who was hideous. “I have to go find him.”

“Bella, he’s already miles away, and its cold.”

“I don’t care. I can’t just sit here.” She got up, putting on her boots
and headed to the door. She was stiff from sitting so long; she could
hardly make it out of the tent. I don’t know how she imagined she
was going anywhere. “I have to – I have to…” she said as she walked
outside.
Seth saw her exit the tent. He had heard the entire conversation and
knew her intentions. Should I stop her? He wondered. She is going to
get herself killed…

I walked out moments afterward. “Just stay here. I’ll handle this.” I
told him…

I let her stomp off toward the forest, allowing her to cool off a bit,
and to give us some space so Seth wouldn’t hear us, and pass the
information back to Jacob. I could only imagine what I was going to
need to do to make this right, and I suspected having him know I
was coming would not at all be helpful.

I caught her by the wrist when we were a safe distance from camp.
“You can’t go after him. Not today. It’s almost time. And getting
yourself lost wouldn’t help anyone, regardless.” I appealed to her
selfless side… her rational side.

She tried to twist away.

“I’m sorry, Bella. I’m sorry I did that.” I was truly sorry at this
moment. It was cruel and mean spirited.

“You didn’t do anything. It’s my fault. I did this. I did everything

wrong.” She broke into sobs, breaking my heart with every cry, “I
could have… When he… I shouldn’t have… I…. I….”

I pulled her to my chest, drying her tears with my shirt, trying

desperately to heal her heart with my comfort, “Bella, Bella.”

“I should have – told him – I should – have said – He shouldn’t have –

found out like this.”

I knew what I had suspected before. I would have to go after him. I

would have to bring him back so she could ease his hurt… to bring
them back together and heal the connection that I wanted, with all
my being, to be severed… I would have to do that for her, because
she needed it.

“Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk
to him? There’s still a little time.” I hated to do this, but I had to.

She nodded. I hadn’t any hope that she would have chosen
otherwise.

“Stay by the tent. I’ll be back soon.”

I ran then as fast as I could. There was very little time. I knew where
he was just before we entered the forest. I had gleaned that much
from Seth’s mind before removing us to a safe distance. As I closed
in, I searched for his mind, his voice. It wasn’t hard to find.

He knew I was close before I saw him.

Come to gloat? He snarled as I found him. He had stopped in a small

opening in the trees, not far from the meadow. Close enough to jump
in when the fight was to begin, far enough away to sob to himself. He
had fazed back into human form, but had left in too much of a hurry
to pick up his clothes. He was naked. I guessed he didn’t want to
hear the voices of his pack in his head – so he could be alone in his
misery.

I held out my hands as I walked forward. I wasn’t looking for a fight.

“Jacob, what I did… how I allowed you to hear… that wasn’t right. It
wasn’t fair to you. It wasn’t fair to Bella…”

“Like any of that matters – it’s true, though” – you’re going to marry
her and then suck the life out of her. She is going to be… to be… one of
you. He bent over, head in his hands. The anguish taking over his
body.

I could see his plan now. He would fight alongside his brothers, but
not with patience and strategy. He would fight with pure grit and
determination – take down as many newborns as he could, before
they took him. He wanted it – the release – the escape from a world
of pain.

“I know what you’re thinking… I’ve been there.” I said quietly.

“You know nothing, Leach.” He jumped off the log, fazing into wolf
form in an instant. I saw the change, the decision only a fraction of a
second before – with only enough time to deflect his attack.

“I won’t fight you, Jacob. I won’t hurt you. Bella needs you right
now.”

‘Screw Bella’ he yelled in his head as he lunged back, aiming for a leg.
I moved out of the way and gave a small shove as he passed. He flew
over a boulder, rolling across the ground, crashing into a fallen log.
He was back up on his feet again, teeth bared, growls ripping from
his throat.

My body was tense in anticipation, ready to attack as soon as I gave

the release. But that release wouldn’t come. I wouldn’t allow it. I
needed to be in control – to allow Jacob to settle down in time to
bring him back – to help Bella.

“Jacob, Bella feels terrible. She didn’t know you could hear. She
wanted to tell you herself, to give you a chance to deal with it at an
appropriate time. It was me – It was my fault. I knew you could hear.
I shouldn’t have let it get that far.”
‘Then you should die.’ He lunged again – diving straight for my throat.
I couldn’t duck, I couldn’t move out of the way fast enough. I lunged
back, hitting him in the chest, pushing him back against the forest.
He flew 20 feet before landing against a large spruce, giving an earth
shattering crack.

What are you doing, Jacob? I heard Sam’s voice. You’ve known this all
along. Get yourself together. Go back and talk with Bella. There is very
little time.

Seth must have brought him up to speed on what happened.

Jacob picked himself up onto all four legs. He shook himself off. He
had cooled down somewhat. That last hit had taken something out
of him. His shoulder was deeply bruised, but was already healing. He
would probably be fully healed by the time we got back… if he would
come.

I’m only doing this for Bella. He snarled.

“Understood.”

We took off then, as fast as we could, back up the mountain. We

stopped just in the cover of the trees where he had left some
clothing. I walked on ahead of him as he fazed and dressed.

Seth heard the movement in the forest before catching our scent. He
growled a warning.

“It’s just us, Seth.” Jacob responded.

I looked to Bella as I entered the clearing. Her face was resigned, yet
hopeful. I knew I needed to give her the freedom, the space to make
this right, though I feared what would come of it. Before I could go to
her, to reassure her, Seth approached.

Alice informs us we will have more visitors this morning. A contingent

from the Volturi will be visiting, not long after we face the newborns.
Anywhere between five and twenty minutes after the battle.

The Volturi. I frowned.

There will be five… Jane is with them…

Jane… this isn’t good. Not good at all. And the timing was suspicious.
Were they involved somehow, I wondered?

I am assuming this isn’t good. This was Seth, not Alice’s message.

“Yes, that’s all we need. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised. But the

timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to
nail the schedule down better.”

Will do… he padded off.

I turned to Bella. She was staring at Jacob, who was looking away,
considering what he might say to her. Wondering if there was still
any chance at all. He was resolved to convince her – to tell her
exactly what he could give her if she chose him. He was going to
force her hand – to make her choose. He was desperate and he
would use whatever means necessary.

When she looked up at me then, I saw her pain. But behind that, I
saw love, acceptance, gratefulness. How she could feel thus, when I
had been so horrible. When I had been the monster that hurt her so
profoundly, I didn’t know. And yet, I knew she loved him too. She
would have to choose and I had no reason to believe she would
choose me.
“Bella. There’s a bit of a complication.” I worked to keep my voice as
calm as possible. “I’m going to take Seth a little ways away and try to
straighten it out. I won’t go far, but I won’t listen, either. I know you
don’t want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go.” The
pain of the possibility, that she might choose him, that I could lose
her here, in the next few moments – was crippling. I struggled to
regain my calm.

“Hurry back.” She whispered.

I wanted to crush her to me. To remind her of every moment we had

spent together. I worried; this might be the last chance I had.
Instead, I kissed her lightly on the lips – giving her freedom to
choose, without undue persuasion, and walked off into the woods
with Seth to speak with Sam and Alice.

Seth’s thought betrayed his concern for my morose expression. He

was perceptive and knew there was more than this recent
development adding to my despair. But he padded along, saying
nothing…

I have Alice with me. I will have to faze in and out of wolf form to
communicate back and forth if you have any questions. Alice says the
vision is clearer now. There are definitely five. Jane, Felix and Demetri
are with them. They will pause a safe distance away, and wait for the
battle to be concluded. They will approach from the north end of the
clearing. At this point it looks like we will have about ten minutes from
the end of the battle until they appear.

You are to return with Bella as soon as we give the word that the
battle is over. The wolves will depart.

“Is there any indication that they are behind this?”

The response was a few seconds, as Sam fazed into human form to
ask Alice, and then faze back to send back the response.

I can’t see that. They seem to be aware of the newborns, but I see no
indication they are directing them.

“What is their purpose? Why are they here?” I feared I already knew
the reason… and Bella was still very human.

A few seconds later.

They are here to check on Bella, to see if she is human. But that only
seems to be a pretense. There is more to their visit, but I can’t see what
it is. I can only see that they will definitely wait until after the battle.
They will ask about Bella’s human status. But there is something else. I
can’t place my finger on why – perhaps it is just a suspicion.

“Will they fight us?”

I heard a deep sigh from Sam. I supposed the changing back and
forth was a little annoying. I should have saved up all my questions,
but we didn’t have much time – so I asked them as they came.

No, there will not be a fight.

Thank you Sam and Alice. Thank you Seth. We will hurry down as soon
as you give us the signal. Best of luck to all of you. I am sure Jacob will
join you momentarily.

Sam simply snorted in return. I supposed he wasn’t terribly happy

with Bella’s choice either. He resented her forgiveness. After he had
been the one to find her… after I had left… he imagined she would be
the last person to offer forgiveness. But she had. For now.
So, we knew what was ahead of us. The battle, the Volturi. The only
thing I didn’t know, waited for me back at the tent. Whether, when
all this was over - when we had defeated the newborns and survived
a visit from the Volturi – I would be able to call Bella my own – or
whether she would destroy me as she chose Jacob Black.
Snap Decision 24

I slowed as we approached the clearing. I didn’t want to walk in on

their conversation. I had promised Bella that much – that she would
have no audience as she made her decision.

I realized I had been selfish. I was only fighting for what I wanted –
and I wanted her. But was that best for her? I had never thought so. It
would always have been better for her if she stayed away from me. It
would have been better if she had never fallen in love with someone
who would only destroy her life. Maybe she should choose Jacob. It
would be better for her. The thought almost crippled me in pain.

I used every sense to determine that Jacob had left. There were no
voices, no conversation as I approached and his scent was freshly
fading. He had just left.

I walked out of the forest. Bella was nowhere in sight. I could hear
her sobbing quietly in the tent and I wondered what that would
mean. I quietly approached, opening up the tent and slipping in. She
lay face down across the sleeping bag, her hair strewn out. She was a
mess. She was beautiful. I wondered if she were still mine…
I tentatively reach out and stroked her hair, wondering if she would
recoil from my touch. She shivered. I wasn’t sure if it was the cold or
if it was me. “Are you all right?”

“No. I want to die.” Her voice was ragged from too much crying. It
hurt me that she would feel so much pain, that I would be the cause
of it.
“That will never happen. I won’t allow it.” Regardless of her choice, I
knew this to be true.
“You might change your mind about that.” She whispered back. I
braced myself, wondering where this was going.
“Where’s Jacob?” I searched for his voice. He must have just fazed, I
was beginning to hear him through Seth.
“He went to fight” she was staring at the floor. She wouldn’t look up
at me… and then I understood why. Through Seth, I heard it all.

She had made her apologies, cut the cords, and let him go. He was
crushed, hurt. But he wasn’t giving up. He would have her, one way or
another. He saw a tactic, a way to force her hand.
“Well, you’re not the only one capable of self-sacrifice. Two can play
that game.” He said.
“What?” She asked.
“I’ve behaved pretty badly myself. I’ve made this much harder for
you than I needed to. I could have given up with good grace in the
beginning. But I hurt you, too.”
“This is my fault.”
“I won’t let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either.
I know how to redeem myself.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There’s a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don’t think it
will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.”
He continued to manipulate her until he finally forced her hand.
“You could ask me”
I cringed as I heard the words through his memory, “Will you kiss
me, Jacob?”
“Oh” I said out loud.
Then I saw it.
Jacob, reaching out for Bella, forcing her arm around his neck, putting
his own around her, pulling her closer. Kissing her fiercely – on the
mouth, down her chin… by her ear. He was rough with her, forceful in
a way I had never been. Yet, she remained still under his touch.
“You can do better than this, Bella. You’re over thinking it.”
She shivered as he bit her ear. He felt the tremble and believed it
was passion.
“That’s right. For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.”
She shook her head.
“Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to
die?”
Then… as all my worst fears were realized, as she kissed him back.

She pulled at his hair, sending him into frenzy – feeling joy, triumph
and passion all at once. He knew she was his and kissed her as if that
were true. Her lips moved against his as she kissed him back, pulling
him tighter. She kissed him in a way she had never kissed me, with
reckless abandon, the way she should be allowed to kiss the man she
loved, but I had never allowed it…
“I have to leave” he whispered.
“No.”
He had won. He was victorious. She was his…
“I won’t be long, but one thing first.”
He gently, pulled her face to his and gently, carefully kissed her. Then
he embraced her, holding her safely in his arms.
That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never. He said

If I had been alone, I would have fallen to a crumpled heap on the

floor of the tent, as the pain, the agony tore through me. But I had
promised… I would let her go. I would never let her see how hard it
was for me… I had to pull it together… For her.
Then another emotion flowed through me… Determination. I wasn’t
ready to let her go. Sure, if she decided, if she said she was moving
on. I would accept that. But she hadn’t said that to me, yet. She
hadn’t broken our engagement. Until that happened, she was still
mine and I wouldn’t give her up without a fight. I was here until she
told me to go.

I hid my pain in a nervous laugh. I would point out his manipulative

ways, as politely as I could. I hadn’t fought fair, and she knew it.
Well, she should know he was just as capable as I, before she made
her decision final.
“And I thought I fought dirty. He makes me look like the patron said
of ethics.”
Carefully, I brushed my hand against her cheek. She didn’t pull away.
That was good.
“I’m not mad at you, love, Jacob’s more cunning than I gave him
credit for. I do wish you hadn’t asked him, though.”
“Edward, I…. I…. I’m”
I wasn’t ready to hear her decision. I needed to say some things first.
I needed her to hear it all before she told me she had changed her
mind.
“Shhh. That’s not what I meant. It’s just that he would have kissed
you anyway – even if you hadn’t fallen for it – and now I don’t have
an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too.”
“Fallen for it?”
“Bella, did you really believe he was that noble? That he would go
out in a flame of glory to clear the way for me?” Hardly… this was is
plan from the moment I brought him back from the clearing…

She looked up at me, searching my expression… looking for

something.
“Yes, I did believe that.” She looked down then.
I tried to gage the expression in her face from the brief moment she
looked up at me. It wasn’t revulsion or denial. She looked…. Guilty?
Could it be, she hadn’t chosen him, but just felt guilty for kissing him.
Or guilty for breaking my heart?
I laughed again, “You’re such a bad liar, you’ll believe anyone who
has the least bit of skill.”
“Why aren’t you angry with me? Why don’t you hate me? Or haven’t
you heard the whole story yet?”
I forced my voice to be light, easy… without the strong emotion I
held in check as I remembered the kiss. “I think I got a fairly
comprehensive look. Jacob makes vivid mental pictures. I feel almost
as bad for his pack as I do for myself. Poor Seth was getting
nauseated. But Sam is making Jacob focus now.”
She shook her head side to side. I wished I could hear what she was
thinking now – to know what she had decided… She had to know I
would forgive her – that she still had a choice. And she had to know
that I would let her go…
“You’re only human.”
“That’s the most miserable defence I’ve ever heard.”
“But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise,
so is he… There are holes in your life that I can’t fill. I understand
that.”
I braced myself, dreading her response…
“But that’s not true. That’s what makes me so horrible. There are no
holes.”
Was she trying to placate me, to let me down easy? “You love him.” I
reminded her.
“I love you more.”
Everything within me sang with the confirmation. She was still mine.
She still loved me. I looked into her face… yes she loved me. She
chose me… but still, she felt guilty… Was it guilt that was holding her
to me? Did she feel she owed me…? Was she unwilling to go back on
her word? I needed to be sure. She needed to make this decision
freely.
“Yes, I know that, too, But… when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding.
Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to
leave its mark – on both of you. I’m not sure those kinds of stitches
dissolve on their own. I can’t blame either of you for something I
made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn’t let me
escape the consequences.”
“I should have known you’d find some way to blame yourself. Please
stop. I can’t stand it.”
“What would you like me to say?”
“I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every
language you know. I want you to tell me that you’re disgusted with
me and that you’re going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my
knees for you to stay.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t do that.” Yes, she was trying to ease her guilt…
“At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve
it.”
“No.” She did not need to suffer more. I did. I needed to hurt. I
needed to lose her… The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I
needed to lose her. She needed to choose Jacob. And I would stand
aside and be whatever she needed.
“You’re right. Keep on being too understanding. That’s probably
worse.”
I barely heard her as Sam’s thoughts penetrated my mind: The fight
is about to start. Alice can see the newborns approaching… they will
be here in three minutes.
“It’s getting close” she guessed.
“Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough time to say one more
thing…”
I needed to say this, to make it clear to her that she was free. I
wouldn’t hold her to her commitment, our compromise. I wouldn’t
have her out of guilt or duty. She was free to go to him. And yet,
these would be the hardest words I uttered out of my mouth.
Harder, even, and then when I told her I was leaving…

“I can be noble, Bella. I’m not going to make you choose between us.
Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or
none at all, if that’s better. Don’t let any debt you feel you owe me
influence your decision.”
She pushed herself up onto her knees and faced me, anger flashing
across her face. “Dammit, stop that.” She shouted.

That was the last response I had expected… didn’t she understand?
She was free to choose or not. I would accept whatever part I could
get. “No – you don’t understand. I’m not just trying to make you feel
better, Bella, I really mean it.”
“I know you do. What happened to fighting back? Don’t start with
the noble self-sacrifice now! Fight!”
“How?” I was confused. Why wouldn’t she accept her freedom? She
clearly loved him.
She rushed up, into my lap, throwing her arms around me… She
caught me by surprise. “I don’t care that it’s cold here. I don’t care
that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am.
Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!”
She threw herself at me, pressing her body to mine, kissing me with
the same wild abandon, she had kissed him with. I wanted to take
her then – to do exactly as she asked – to wipe every memory of his
kiss from her mind and leave her panting for more…
“Careful, love” I tried slow her down, to bring some sense, before I
did something we’d both regret, but also trying not to hurt her
further.
“No!” she growled back. She wasn’t slowing down. She wasn’t easing
up… I could feel my control slipping… This wasn’t right. I needed to
stop her. I gently held her face away from mine…
“You don’t have to prove anything to me.”
“I’m not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of
you I wanted. I want this part. I want every part.”
I knew she wanted me, as I wanted her. With my whole being I
wanted her. But she was trying to convince herself; to abide by the
decision she had already made – to be loyal, and dutiful… She
needed to be free and to be able to choose her path, to be happy. I
wouldn’t influence that by using the physical attraction she had for
me. I wouldn’t use my powers of persuasion, not if she could truly be
happy.
I had to stop her, before my resolve weakened and gave in. I wanted
this – I wanted her… but I knew it wasn’t right.
“Perhaps this isn’t the best moment for that.” I said…
She became suddenly cold, backing away from me. “Why not” she
grumbled.
Oh, so many reasons… and I hadn’t the time to explain them all.
“Firstly, because it is cold.” She was shivering, so I pulled the
sleeping bag around her…
“Wrong. First, because you are bizarrely moral for a vampire.” She
said it like an accusation, not an attribute.
I chuckled, “All right, I’ll give you that. The cold is second. And
thirdly… well, you do actually stink, love.” I wrinkled my nose for
effect, though, in truth, I would have withstood it. Her scent
over-powered the rest and, if I gave myself leave, I would have taken
her, scent and all.

She sighed.
“Fourthly” and I added this so she knew I still loved her, so she knew
I still wanted her. She would doubt that by my refusal, “We will try,
Bella. I’ll make good on my promise. But I’d rather it wasn’t in
reaction to Jacob Black.”
She cringed at that, and I wondered at the reason.
“And fifthly…” I said as I heard the first reports coming in from Sam.
The battle was about to begin.

“That is a very long list.” She muttered, pulling herself into her
classic pout – her kitten anger that always amused me.
“Yes, but did you want to listen to the fight or not?”
Seth howled in anxiety, hearing the start of the fight. In response,
Bella tightened up, her fists clenched to the point I worried she
would hurt herself. She had already done enough damage. I took her
hands in mine and gently caressed the tension out, loosening her
fingers into a more natural position.

“It’s going to be fine,” I comforted her, “We’ve got skill, training, and
surprise on our side. It will be over very soon. If I didn’t truly believe
that, I would be down there now – and you’d be here, chained to a
tree or something along those lines.”

“Alice is so small.” She moaned…

I laughed. “Yes that might be a problem… if it were possible for

someone to catch her.” Which would be impossible since she see what
you are going to do before you do it…

The battle was starting in earnest now. Seth whimpered in

impatience, wishing he could be there.
“What’s wrong?” Bella asked, assuming the worst.
“He’s just angry that he’s stuck here with us. He knows the pack kept
him out of the action to protect him. He’s salivating to join them.”
She scowled at that, and I knew she would continue to be stressed
by the battle, so I started commentating, sharing the thoughts
passed on by Sam through Seth. “The newborns have reached the end
of the trail – it worked like a charm, Jasper’s a genius – and they’ve
caught the scent of the ones in the meadow, so they’re splitting into
two groups now, as Alice said. Sam’s taking us around to head off the
ambush party.”

The part of my brain that always kept a constant watch on Bella

alerted me that she wasn’t breathing. “Breathe, Bella” I reminded
her and then went on, letting the part of my brain that was paying
attention to Sam’s voice take over, “The first group is in the clearing.
We can hear the fighting. We can hear Emmet – he’s enjoying himself.”
I chucked, picturing my brother in his glory, “The second group is
getting ready – they aren’t paying attention, they haven’t heard us
yet.”
“Whoever finds the girl gets her.” one of the newborns shouted.
“Don’t let her escape.”
“Ahhhh, her sweet blood. She is mine.” Another stated.
“No, she is mine” A third snapped back.
I growled in response as I heard the newborns voices through Seth’s
ears. I wished I could race down the mountain and kill the lot of
them myself.
“What” Bella gasped at my reaction.
“They’re talking about you. They’re supposed to make sure you
don’t escape…” I didn’t want to tell her that she was the trophy, the
prize for whichever one got her first. The pack attacked. They were
pairing off against the newborns, using the techniques Jasper had
taught them. I was no longer hearing a commentary by Sam; rather I
was seeing everything through their eyes at once, “Nice move, Leah!
Mmm, she’s quite fast. One of the newborns caught our scent, and
Leah took him down before he could even turn. Sam’s helping her
finish him off. Paul and Jacob got another one, but the others are on
the defensive now. They have no idea what to make of us. Both sides
are feinting…” I saw Jacob jump up against one of the newborns, out
of time with the coordinated attack, “No, let Sam lead. Stay out of the
way” The element of surprise had worn off. The newborns were now
circling on the wolves, putting them on the defensive, getting into
position… “Separate them – don’t let them protect each other’s backs.”
“Come on guys” Seth cheered…
Sam had regrouped the wolves. They had recovered and were now
back on the offensive, “That’s better, drive them toward the clearing.”
I felt as if I were almost there. It was painful, seeing everything, yet
unable to physically do anything…
Then another voice penetrated my consciousness. “This way Riley.” It
was Victoria. I growled… She picked up my scent from when I went
to get Jacob for Bella. Stupid – of course, we had gone through great
lengths to ensure this very thing didn’t happen.

Seth’s thought came next: Someone’s coming, I can smell them…. It’s
Victoria’s scent, and another is with her. What do we do?
Instantly, I grabbed Bella and tore an opening in the tent.
Seth stared at me, sharing his idea. Please, let me help… I could circle
around and wait for an opening, give us some element of surprise,
while you protect Bella, drawing them in… Please, I want to help…
I nodded, “Go, Seth!”
I whisked Bella away to the cliff face, the best defensive position. I
pulled her behind me, keeping myself between her and the
approaching danger. I knew that Victoria would only be looking for a
brief opening, a few moments to deliver a death blow. She wished
for much more than that, but she would take that much if she could
get it…
“Who” she asked. She must have realized the danger was here. How I
regretted the danger I put her in. It would almost have been better if
we were down in the clearing, with so many more of us to protect
her… She needed to know, to understand the situation. She had been
right all along.
“Victoria. She’s not alone. She crossed my scent, following the
newborns in to watch – she never meant to fight with them. She
made a spur-of-the-moment decision to find me, guessing that you
would be wherever I was. She was right. You were right. It was
always Victoria.”
I reached out with every sense, sight, scent, hearing, taste… and my
mind to hear her approach. I heard her crazed mind before I saw her
escape from the trees, a newborn at her side.
I quickly scanned the thoughts of her companion. He was one of the
oldest newborns, the first of the surviving. His scent was familiar – it
was the scent of the new born who had taken Bella’s clothes. I
growled…
I automatically shifted to their approach and their every move,
taking a defensive stance in front of Bella. They slowly came
forward, taking the offense, shifting their approach to try to create
an opening for one of them.
I knew he would be here, with his little pet, her thoughts chilled me,
Home-wreaker. She needs to be taught a lesson… stealing another
woman’s man is not what nice girls do… tsk, tsk.
Her mind was disturbed, but cunning. She should not be
underestimated. She glared at Bella at all times, looking for only a
momentary opening, a split second. I wouldn’t give it to her. She
stayed safely on the end of the tree line, hoping for Riley to take the
brunt of the battle.
She nodded to Riley to proceed. He was to distract me, to give her
the opening she needed. Instead, I distracted him, to give Seth time
to get in position. I suddenly saw, in their minds, the plans, the
months of work that went into this assault. That gave me what I
needed.
“Riley” I used my most compelling voice, “She’s lying to you, Riley.
Listen to me. She’s lying to you just like she lied to the others who
are dying now in the clearing. You know that she’s lied to them, that
she had you lie to them, that neither of you were ever going to help
them. Is it so hard to believe that she’s lied to you, too?”
I heard his mind reconcile what I was saying with what he already
knew. But she said she loved me… She loves me, he tried to convince
himself.
“She doesn’t love you, Riley.” I planted the doubt, “She never has.
She loved someone named James, and you’re no more than a tool to
her.”
Victoria growled as I talked about James. Her pain palatable – the
source of her insanity.
I’m here, Edward, I’m in position. I can see them approaching you… I
heard Seth’s voice.
Neither of them sensed Seth’s approach. Good, we had the element
of surprise. I kept them distracted. “Riley? She knows that I will kill
you, Riley. She wants you to die so that she doesn’t have to keep up
the pretence anymore.” I saw the uncertainty in his mind, the
rebuffs, and the coolness in her touch. “Yes – you’ve seen that, haven’t
you? You’ve read the reluctance in her eyes, suspected a false note in
her promises. You were right. She’s never wanted you. Every kiss,
every touch was a lie.”
I could see Victoria wanted Bella, but she wouldn’t engage, waiting
for Riley to do her dirty work. She was conniving and she wouldn’t
put herself at risk. I created the smallest of openings – really only
the promise of an opening to pull her in, to engage her… as I
adjusted to face more toward Riley.
The desire in her mind intensified as she saw her goal so close. I only
needed to move an inch more and she would have her advantage.
She only needed a second to kill Bella… but I wouldn’t give her that
second.
“You don’t have to die. There are other ways to live than the way
she’s shown you. It’s not all lies and blood, Riley. You can walk away
right now. You don’t have to die for her lies.”
I knew it was an empty promise as soon as I said it. Despite his
doubts, he was still devoted to Victoria. It was all he’d ever known.
He wouldn’t go against her. Still I half hoped he would. I loathed
killing an innocent – even one who had been twisted by another.
And it would be easier to kill Victoria without Riley involved.
I moved a slight more – again, making it appear as if there was space
for an opening for Victoria while I engaged, Riley… It made her begin
to frenzy, as if she already tasted the blood and the success. She
inched forward.
“Last chance, Riley” I said. He looked to Victoria for reassurance. She
was almost fully engaged now.
She had been watching me with interest… My comments concerned
her. They were a little too astute, a little too perceptive… Then it
clicked… He can read minds. She hissed, “He’s the liar, Riley. I told you
about their mind tricks. You know I love only you.”

That was all he needed, her confirmation. He was now determined.

He would hear no more of my arguments. He crouched, ready to
attack. Victoria was equally ready, preparing for the moment Riley
distracted me enough for her to do her will.
Now, Seth shouted as he flung himself at Riley.
“No!” Victoria exclaimed in shock, as she saw Seth tear a chunk out
of Riley.
I moved to engage her, to match my skill to hers. She was torn. She
wanted Bella and she was so close, but this was an even fight, and
she much preferred the two on one only moment ago.
“No” she said through her teeth as she saw her opening taken away.
She backed up, toward the trees, hesitant.
Seth took a blow from Riley. I’m okay; I heard his thoughts as he
limped away, the injury already healing.
Victoria crouched, moving side to side, looking for an opening –
lunging to draw me in, and then dodging to take advantage of a hole.
But each lunch, each dodge, each sachet from side to side, I saw in
her thoughts before she did them. She was getting frustrated and
her instinct to flee was strong. She was figuring me out, figuring out
that I could read her mind before she could act…
“Don’t go, Victoria. You’ll never get another chance like this.” I
taunted her. She looked back at Bella. The desire to kill was hot in
her mind. This was all she thought about, all she lived for now. Death
would be a welcome escape, I thought.
She hissed back. Her thoughts pulled her back, toward the woods,
while her desire pulled her forward, toward Bella.
“You can always run later. Plenty of time for that. It’s what you do,
isn’t it? It’s why James kept you around. Useful, if you like to play
deadly games. A partner with an uncanny instinct for escaping. He
shouldn’t have left you – he could have used your skills when we
caught up to him in Phoenix.” I taunted, egging her on, encouraging
her to fight.
She snarled her response, but she move forward… she wanted this.
She wanted it bad.
“That’s all you ever were to him, though. Silly to waste so much
energy avenging someone who had less affection for you than a
hunter for his mount. You were never more than a convenience to
him. I would know.” I tapped on my head, confirming her suspicions,
implying I had seen this in his head… driving her mad with anger and
despair… trying to ensure she didn’t run. She lunged out of the trees
then finally engaging in earnest.

I’ll tear you apart and kill your little pet before your eyes before I burn
you, she hissed. She circled to the left looking for an opening, a
strike. But I knew her plan, heard her moves before she made them.
I was in control of this fight.

Riley’s fist contacted with Seth’s flank at that point. Seth yelped in
pain and backed away. ‘I’m okay’ he thought to me, ‘but I am going to
try to draw him. Maybe this will draw her in too?’
I nodded my agreement. Seth moved back toward Bella, pulling
Riley in. I backed up slightly to meet him. Victoria laughed in
triumph; she was getting closer to her goal, to Bella, to ending her
yearlong pursuit. If she couldn’t get through me, perhaps Riley could
get through the wolf. She kept him in her sights as she continued to
engage in our lethal dance.
Ha, you put your fates in the hands of a werewolf. He’ll turn on you at
the first sign of defeat. Even now, he thinks of joining our side… before
Riley finishes him off.” She was maniacal.
“No, he won’t turn on me. You provided us with a common enemy.
You allied us.”
I know these creatures. James hunted one for sport in Russia. They
aren’t even loyal to their own kind. They are loyal to no one but
themselves… She taunted back.
“Look more closely, Victoria. Is he really so much like the monster
James tracked across Siberia?”
She noticed his four legged stance, his lack of human like qualities,
his reason, She shook her head, “Not the same? Impossible!” she
snarled, yet her mind showed her doubt.
“Nothing is impossible.” She eyed Bella then, her goal, her prize. She
shifted her stance to take advantage of my movement toward Seth,
to create an opportunity. I saw her change in focus and stance, and
adjusted at the same time “Except what you want. You’ll never touch
her.”
She sped up, moving more quickly. Trying to not think of her next
move before she made it. She fought with instinct, giving herself
over to her senses. But the glimpses of her instinctual decisions still
gave her away as she made each move… I matched her every step,
her every dodge, her every fake. She snarled in frustration.
Riley was momentarily distracted by our fight. His thoughts
betrayed his concern for Victoria. He could see she was out matched.
He longed to jump to her side, to help her. Seth took advantage and
tore another piece from him, forcing him to reengage with the wolf.
He swung swiftly then, unthinkingly and caught Seth, throwing him
against the cliff next to Bella.
I’m fine, He whimpered back…
Victoria was mad with glee. I gave Seth a small glance trying to tell
him to stay down.
You want me to fake an injury – pull them both in?
I nodded.
He smiled, let’s end this then.
Enough play time, I agreed. I left the defensive and switched to
offensive – matching her advances with advances of my own,
snapping at her arms her neck.
She was too close now to her goal; she could see Riley had a clear
shot. She only had to keep me engaged, while Riley finished Bella off.
Your wolf if injured… He’ll turn or leave, either way, she will die… she
taunted me.
Riley prepared to attack. He would lunge at Seth, but attack Bella.
That was the plan – Victoria would allow him to sacrifice himself to
get the end result she desired. He crouched, ready to attack. Tension
coiled up in his limbs.
Then the scent hit me – the sweetest scent I had ever known. I saw
the action register in Victoria’s mind, Bella cutting her arm with a
sharp piece of rock. She stared in confusion as the bloodlust rose
within her. I sighed, Bella, what are you doing? I know… the Third
Wife… I could kill Jacob…
Seth noticed at the same time, distracting him momentarily, looking
back at her to see if she was all right. The smell of fresh blood was all
Riley needed to act on his planned attacked. He launched himself at
Bella as Victoria screamed at him to attack and in bloodlust. I had to
act fast. I lunged at her, throwing her toward a tree, breaking her
body as I turned to defend against Riley. I ached back and caught
him by the arm, ripping it off his body as he screamed in agony.
Seth reengaged, attacking Riley, as I turned to see Victoria take
advantage of the hole I left in my defence while I dealt with Riley.
She flew though the air. She only needed a moment, just a second to
end her life. I used Riley’s dismembered arm like a bat, and hit a nice
double into a nearby tree. She jumped up, her body further broken,
awkward… ready to attack Bella again, but I was already there,
blocking her way.
You’re done, I heard Seth’s thought as his took his final lunge and
finished off Riley. I didn’t have much time. Victoria’s instinct to flee
would kick in as soon as she saw she was outnumbered. I moved
toward her as close as I could, preparing to act as soon as she
turned.
“Victoria” Riley screamed, his last words as Seth tore him apart. She
knew. Her instinct was kicking in, her mind plotting her escape. She
picked an opening in the trees… I saw her intended direction and
adjusted accordingly.
“No, stay just a little longer” I taunted her, knowing she was about to
flee. She thought she could leave then, to escape as she had for all
the years of her long existence… she had never failed before. But I
was faster. As soon as she turned, I was on her and, with a move I
had perfected after almost a hundred years, I tore her head from her
body.
It was over.
Mirror 25

It was deeply satisfying, after all the planning, then standing by,
listening to the battle, to have been a part of it all, to have
contributed in a significant way. Seth was expressing the same
sentiments, walking proudly around the camp and into the forest to
gather all the pieces of the vampires for burning.
I started the fire in the clearing with the pile of body parts I had
collected of Victoria. With a satisfying thud, I threw in her
dismembered head. I went to help Seth collect Riley. He had made a
mess of him, but had done well. He would be a good fighter – he had
patience and strategy… he kept his wits about him in battle.
“Get every piece,” I warned him… we could leave no piece behind…
We both used our sense of smell to locate the remaining chunks he
had torn off in battle, scouring the campsite and the surrounding
woods until we were sure there was nothing left.
At the same time I kept tabs on Bella. She had hardly moved since
the battle ended. She was in shock… It was to be expected. I was a
monster. More than the monster who hurt her with my selfishness
and carelessness. I was a real monster who had torn apart and
dismembered another being… Regardless of whether that being was
trying to kill her, Bella would now see me for what I truly was.
And, unlike when James had attacked, she was fully aware, fully
conscious of the entire fight. She had watched everything from her
perch by the ledge. Surely, she would change her mind now…
I gave her time to calm, to self-sooth as I thought about how to
approach her without scaring her further.
They can keep us out of the fight, but they couldn’t keep the fight from
coming to us… … Seth chuckled, proud of our work today.
I grinned back, bumping my fist with his nose, “Nice teamwork”
I guess you have one more battle to fight, Seth laughed, nose pointing
toward Bella who still had the rock in her hand as if she were ready
to attack. Good luck man, his passing thought.
I sighed deeply. The time had come to face her, to face the
inevitable… I walked toward her with exaggerated slowness, my
hands out, as carefully as I could; gauging her colour, her breathing,
her heart beat for any sign of distress. I was sorry she had to see all
that, sorry that she would be exposed to danger – and to all I had
done. I wondered if I could calm her or whether she would panic if I
approached.
“Bella, love” I started, in the softest voice I could manage. “Bella, can
you drop the rock, please? Carefully. Don’t hurt yourself.” The image
of the Third Wife came unbidden to my mind. I worried that she
would strike at herself, in fear of me… She hesitated. I froze… eyes
on the rock, prepared to move quickly if needed, to protect her from
herself. Perhaps I should have sent a message through Seth for Alice
to come up…
Then she dropped the rock. I exhaled the air I wasn’t consciously
holding. But she was still wary, afraid of me. I didn’t dare move. I
needed to convince her she was safe “You don’t have to be afraid,
Bella. You’re safe. I won’t hurt you.”
Confusion crossed her face. Did she even know who I was? Was she
having some kind of psychotic episode? I rechecked her vitals,
everything seemed healthy. I wasn’t sure she was even capable of
hearing me, but I spoke anyway, hoping she would break soon, “It’s
going to be all right, Bella. I know you’re frightened now, but it’s
over. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t touch you. I won’t hurt
you.”
Finally, she blinked – a good sign of rational thought. Maybe she was
finally coming out of it. Maybe she had heard me and understood…
Finally she spoke, “Why do you keep saying that?”
Perhaps she was having an episode. She stepped toward me
hesitantly. I wasn’t sure what to expect… would she lash out? I
leaned away, waiting to see what she would do. Allowing myself
space to react appropriately.
“What’s wrong?” she whispered, “What do you mean?”
“Are you…” I was staggered, confused. She seemed to be coherent.
She should be in shock, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Afraid of you? Why?”
She took another step forward, tripping over her feet, falling as she
had done so many times before. I automatically reached out to catch
her, as I had done so many times before, and suddenly she was in my
arms, sobbing as I held her to my chest. It hurt that she was in pain,
but it felt so good that I could comfort her now.
“Bella, Bella, I’m so sorry. It’s over, it’s over.”
“I’m fine,” she gasped, “I’m okay, I’m just… Freaking out. Give me. A
minute.” She sobbed into my chest. I almost laughed…Freaking out?
She was incredibly calm, considering.
Her ability to take in stride all I was and am…my entire
monstrosity…amazed me once again. I pulled her closer to me,
holding her tight in my arms, “I’m so sorry,” was all I could say…
Sorry I had doubted her, sorry that in my haste I had brought the
danger here, sorry I had hurt her and Jacob, sorry for every hurt I
had brought her way.
Her sobs slowed and she could breathe again, then she was kissing
me – her lips on my chest, my shoulder, my neck – it was pure
pleasure. I wondered at her reaction… It certainly wasn’t what I
expected, or deserved…
“Are you okay? Did she hurt you at all?” she asked, continuing to
press her lips to every part she could.
Did she hurt me? I shook my head in amazement that, amidst all this,
she would worry about me. “I’m absolutely fine,” I assured her –
burying my face in her hair, breathing in her scent, revelling in the
relief that she would be okay.
“Seth?” she asked?
I laughed, “More than fine. Very pleased with himself, in fact.”
“The others? Alice, Esme? The wolves?” she continued.
“All fine. It’s over there, too. It went just as smoothly as I promised.
We got the worst of it here.”
That final thought sobered me. What if she hadn’t insisted on my
staying with her? What if she had been alone during the battle –
chained to a tree as I had threatened? I shivered at the thought. I
was so thankful she had given me the ultimatum she had – so glad I
had been here to protect her…
“Tell me why.” She said then, more insistent then she had been
earlier, “Why did you think I would be afraid of you?”
“I’m sorry” I thought of the possibilities and what she had to witness
today, “So sorry. I didn’t want you to see that. See me like that. I
know I must have terrified you.”

The crease appeared between her eyes – the crease that always
appeared when she was deep in thought – making me wish I could
hear her thoughts, but I knew she would open up as much as she
wanted soon enough. I didn’t rush her, push her…
“Seriously?” She shocked me, “You… what? Thought you’d scared me
off?” she snorted.
I smiled inwardly – I could tell her nonchalance was a little forced.
But she was in good humour, a good sign. Perhaps I should make
sure, face her with the facts. “Bella, I just…” I hated to say the words,
to bring her more pain, but I needed to make sure she wasn’t just in
denial. “I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not
twenty yards from you. That doesn’t bother you?”
I frowned in thought. Could she really be okay with all this?
She shrugged – again a little forced, but she did seem reasonably
calm, “Not really. I was only afraid that you and Seth were going to
get hurt. I wanted to help, but there’s only so much I can do…”
The picture of her, cutting herself came to mind… Anger flared up at
the image, and the story that had put the idea in her head, at the
possibility that she could have hurt herself, possibly killed herself.
“Yes. Your little stunt with the rock. You know that you nearly gave
me a heart attack? Not the easiest thing to do, that” I said with a tone
of disapproval. I glowered at her… Now that I knew she was okay, I
could barely keep the concern I had, the anger at her actions, at
bay…
“I wanted to help… Seth was hurt…”
“Seth was only feigning that he was hurt, Bella. It was a trick. And
then you…!” I tried to reign in my anger and fear at what could have
happened. “Seth couldn’t see what you were doing, so I had to step
in. Seth’s a bit disgruntled that he can’t claim a single-handed defeat
now.”
“Seth was… faking?” she asked.
I only nodded sternly, trying to emphasize the foolishness of her
actions… to make her see.
“Oh.”
I followed her eyes over to Seth then, as she assessed his status. He
was gloating as he watched over the fire, proud of his contribution…
and trying to give us some privacy.
“Well, I didn’t know that.” She said obstinately, “And it’s not easy
being the only helpless person around. Just you wait till I’m a
vampire! I’m not going to be sitting on the sidelines next time.”
A flood of emotions coursed through me all at once: amusement at
her anger, pride at her courage, adoration at her in general, hope
and despair at her desire to lose her soul and join me in this
existence, fear at what the future held and finally incredulous relief
that it was over. I teased her “Next time? Did you anticipate another
war soon?”
“With my luck? Who knows?”
So true. She was a danger magnet – but the emotion I had settled on
– relief – had already taken hold in my bones and I felt nothing but
joy to have her – for the moment.
“Hold on. Didn’t you say something before -?” she flinched then and
panic spread over her face, I suppose at the fear of what might be
coming. “About a complication? And Alice, needing to nail down the
schedule for Sam. You said it was going to be close. What was going
to be close.”
You haven’t told her yet? Seth thought… as I glanced at him. I loathed
telling her this, adding to the strain and horror of the day. I knew
how she would react, how she felt about the Volturi…
“Well” she demanded.
“It’s nothing, really.” It would be nothing, there would be no fight,
but still, “But we do need to be on our way…”
I tried to pull her away, not wanting to say the words that would
bring fear back into her life. “Define nothing,” she insisted.
I gently took her face in my hands, to calm her, as well as keep her
from doing something rash, “We only have a minute, so don’t panic,
all right? I told you that you had no reason to be afraid. Trust me on
that, please?”
She nodded against my hands, but terror flashed across her face. “No
reason to be afraid. Got it.”
I gathered my thoughts… How to say this as quickly as possible, and
yet avoid her freaking out, for real this time. My thoughts were
interrupted as I saw Leah take off from the pack… in attack.
“What’s she doing?” I asked no one in particular.
No, Leah – wait for back up, Seth whined.

In the next instant I saw the newborn. She had hidden in the forest…
I was seeing her through Leah’s eyes, smelling her through Leah’s
nose. She attacked, showing her ability, her strength and speed. The
newborn turned on her. She should not have engaged it alone. It
wasn’t a fair match. Then I saw her in trouble from a distance,
through Jacob’s eyes. In the next instant we were on top of her. “No” I
exclaimed, too late “Don’t” but at that moment I felt Jacob’s pain
through the link, as the newborn crushed his right side.
Seth cried out in anguish as he joined in the pain of the pack along
with me. I held my sides as they ached from the connection.
“Edward! Edward!” I heard Bella exclaim, but her voice was far
away.
Then I saw Sam and Paul close in and take out the newborn in a swift
attack. Jacob lay on his side, labouring under the pain, but alive. He
would heal. Sam checked on him and reported back. I tried to bring
myself back to the campsite, to reassure Bella, “its okay. We’re going
to be fine. It’s” I repeated the words to Bella.
Jacob tried to get up, and fell in pain. I winched as I felt it along with
him. The entire side must be broken. Even with his rate of healing,
he would need medical attention.
“What’s happening?” Bella cried out as he heard Seth’s cry of pain.
“We’re fine. We’re going to be okay… Sam – help him” but I already
saw Sam go to him and have him lean on him. He was trying to talk
him into fazing back to human form, but Jacob was in too much pain
to calm himself. They were trying to figure out how to get him home.
They were going to have to carry him.
I saw Bella fall then – the stress, the day must be catching up with
her. I caught her, scooping her up in my arms. We needed to get back
to the clearing – there wasn’t much time.
I need to get there – to help… Jacob needs me…
“Seth!” I shouted, pulling him out of his ill focused concern.
I have to go, now, to help him, he insisted.
“No! You go straight home. Now. As fast as you can!” I ordered
No, I need to help…
“Seth. Trust me” I insisted. He needed to be on his way before the
Volturi arrived.
He stared up at me. Okay, I trust you, he thought… and then left.
In the same moment I pulled Bella toward me and ran down the
mountain to the clearing. They were coming…
“Edward. What happened, Edward? What happened to Sam? Where
are we going? What’s happening?” she fired questions at me, trying
to make sense of everything that had just occurred…
“We have to go back to the clearing” I started, focusing on the
immediate concern, not sure how she would handle the other, “We
knew there was a good probability of this happening. Earlier this
morning, Alice saw it and passed it through Sam to Seth. The Volturi
decided it was time to intercede.”
He eyes widened and then glazed over as he body went slack. I
wondered if she was having an episode. I tried to reassure her,
“Don’t panic. They aren’t coming for us.” At least not overtly, “It’s
just the normal contingent of the guard that usually cleans up this
kind of mess. Nothing momentous, they’re merely doing their job…”
Then I recalled Alice’s vision, “Of course, they seem to have timed
their arrival very carefully. Which leads me to believe that no one in
Italy would mourn if these newborns had reduced the size of the
Cullen family.” That was what Alice had suspected, what I needed to
find out. “I’ll know for sure what they were thinking when they get
to the clearing.”
“Is that why we’re going back?” she whispered, flinching.
“It’s part of the reason. Mostly, it will be safer for us to present a
united front at this point. They have no reason to harass us, but…” I
recalled the twisted mind of the smallest, but most dangerous
member of the guard, “Jane’s with them. If she thought we were
alone somewhere away from the others, it might tempt her. Like
Victoria, Jane will probably guess that I’m with you. Demetri, of
course, is with her. He could find me, if Jane asked him to.”
I looked down at her then, taking in the panic in her face. She was
coming close to breaking – this was all too much. She made a
strained cry from the base of her throat. I tried to comfort her.
“Shhh, Bella, Shhh. It’s all going to be fine. Alice can see that.”
Confusion flitted to her eyes, “The pack?” she asked… I suppose she
was hopeful they would say as protection.
“They had to leave quickly. The Volturi do not honour truces with
werewolves.”
Her breathing quickened as her heart beat sped… Signs that she was
terrified. For herself or for the wolves, I wondered… likely for the
wolves. I cringed. “I swear they will be fine. The Volturi won’t
recognize the scent – they won’t realize the wolves are here; this
isn’t a species they are familiar with. The pack will be fine.”
I could see that her mind was racing through the increased speed of
breathing, her heart beat and the way her eyes were blinking
erratically. I was more anxious than ever to be in the clearing, to
have Carlisle nearby in case she went into hysterics. I wished I had
something to help her with this, but it was just the two of us. All I
had was myself.
“What happened?” she whispered, “Before, When Seth was howling?
When you were hurt?”
She would ask, just then, the exact information I did not want to
share with her – especially not then, not when she was so close to a
mental breakdown. It was too much. This day had been too much…
“Edward! Tell me!”
I weighed the options, would it better for her to keep the knowledge
that could hurt her away, or allow her to imagine what happened… I
decided the truth was probably a lot better then what she would
imagine.
“It was all over,” I started quietly, afraid to tell her, afraid to push
her over the edge, “The wolves didn’t count their half…” stupid –
arrogant “they thought they had them all. Of course, Alice couldn’t
see…”
“What happened?!” she demanded.
“One of the newborns was hiding… Leah found him – she was being
stupid, cocky, trying to prove something. She engaged him alone…” I
saw it all again through the packs eyes, several different angles of
the same event.
“Leah.” Her voice was relieved? I could imagine why, “Is she going to
be okay?”
“Leah wasn’t hurt.” I regretfully told her, knowing she would hone in
on the truth, knowing it would hurt her more then I liked to think it
would. She just stared at me – her mind working to put the pieces
together – to figure it out. I knew it wouldn’t take her long… but we
were nearing the clearing, I looked up at the column of smoke from
the dismembered bodies of the newborns. “We’re almost there.” I
said, hoping that fact would distract her, if only momentarily.

Her eyes followed the trail of smoke, but it wasn’t enough. She
needed to know, “Edward.” She said softly, “Edward, someone got
hurt.”
“Yes” I confirmed… knowing what question would come next.
“Who?” she didn’t surprise me, and I watched her face as she
assumed the correct answer – the pain of that answer piling up at
the edges of her eyes, waiting for my confirmation.
“Jacob”
“Of course” she said at the flood gates gave way and the pain over
took her. I could only watch hopelessly as her face when dead and
her body limp in my arms.
“Carlisle” I yelled. “Carlisle, get over here… Bella….” I couldn’t stand
to see her like this… He needed to do something. I needed to do
something. I sat down on the ground, holding her in my arms. “Bella,
Bella” I shook her lightly, “Bella, come back to me”
I saw the anguish in my face through Carlisle’s eyes. Let me look at
her, son. I nodded. He checked her vitals, her pulse, her breathing…
I’ll check her again in a couple minutes. She will likely be okay…. He
thought… LIKELY?
I held her to me, rocking back and forth, holding her face in my hand,
rubbing her arm. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t lose my Bella… “Come
back to me, Bella, I whispered.” I shouldn’t have told her. I shouldn’t
have said anything… Please come back to me.... Please, Bella…
It will be okay, Son, really… Relax, Carlisle thought.
Edward, relax. I see her – she’ll be okay, Alice thought.
I saw her vision, but I was too riddled with guilt to accept it…
Carlisle could see that I wouldn’t relax. He came back over to
recheck her vitals... checking her breathing, feeling her pulse. She is
fine, Edward…

“Carlisle – it’s been five minutes.” How could she be fine?

“She’ll come around when she’s ready, Edward.” Carlisle stated. You
know the medicine as well as I do, her pulse is fine, her breathing is
settling out, she is fine... “She’s had too much to deal with today. Let
her mind protect itself.”
“Alice, how long do we have?” I was panicked. What if they arrived
and Bella was comatose on the ground…
“Another five minutes. And Bella will open her eyes in thirty-seven
seconds. I wouldn’t doubt that she can hear us now.”
“Bella, honey?” Esme was as concerned as I. Bella had been out of it
for over five minutes and twenty three seconds now… “Can you hear
me? You’re safe now, dear.”
I racked my brain to think of what could help her. I went over the
last few minutes before she went under. That was the key. It was
when she had found out about Jacob. That was the last straw. She
loved him. As much as it pained me, I knew that was true. I leaned
over and tried to undo the pain that knowledge had caused.
“He’s going to live, Bella. Jacob Black is healing as I speak. He’ll be
fine.” Relief and anguish flooded through me at once as she
responded to my words. “Oh, Bella” I sighed as I lightly touched her
lips with mine.
“Edward” she spoke softly then…
“Yes, I’m here.”
“Jacob is okay?” she confirmed.
“Yes” I answered truthfully. She searched my face to be sure I wasn’t
hiding anything.

“I examined him myself” Carlisle added, seeing that this knowledge

was helping, and noting that the Volturi would be here very shortly.
“His life is not in any danger. He was healing at an incredible rate,
though his injuries were extensive enough that it will still be a few
days before he is back to normal, even if the rate of repair holds
steady. As soon as we’re done here, I will do what I can to help him.
Sam is trying to get him to phase back to human form. That will
make treating him easier.” Then he teased, seeing that Bella was
doing much better, “I’ve never been to veterinarian school.”
“What happened to him?” she said softly, her voice full of concern.
“How bad are his injuries?”
I could hear Carlisle’s concerned thoughts over Bella’s concern for
Jacob – not that she shouldn’t be concerned, only he worried what this
meant. He tried to clear those thought from his mind, knowing that I
would hear them – focusing instead on the events, “Another wolf
was in trouble”
“Leah” Bella added.
“Yes. He knocked her out of the way, but he didn’t have time to
defend himself. The newborn got his arms around him. Most of the
bones on the right half of his body were shattered.”
Carlisle noted as did I Bella’s flinch, and he wondered if he had given
too much detail. However, Bella seemed to be holding on now. He
moved onto more comforting words.
“Sam and Paul got there in time. He was already improving when
they took him back to La Push.”
“He’ll be back to normal?” Bella asked.
“Yes, Bella. He won’t have any permanent damage.”
She took a deep breath of relief then… Carlisle glanced at me once,
registering the expression on my face, and understanding that I was
struggling – happy that Bella was doing better, but not sure where we
stood now. Her love for Jacob was evident, not only to me.
“Three minutes.” Alice said quietly.
That was Bella’s cue to get up. I quickly helped her get to her feet. As
we gathered around the bonfire, I noticed her see, for the first time,
a young newborn. As I had concentrated on Bella and her recovery, a
part of my brain had already registered the newborns presence and
had gleaned from the minds of my family what had happened. But I
could see that Bella was bewildered by the young one.
“She surrendered,” I told her quietly, “That’s one I’ve never seen
before. Only Carlisle would think of offering. Jasper doesn’t
approve.” That was putting it mildly. He knew what the Volturi
would say about this infraction and he could guess what would
happen when they arrived. That was all that was keeping him from
an outright disagreement with Carlisle.
“Is Jasper all right?” she asked, noticing his rubbing.
“He’s fine. The venom stings.” I could see the pain in his mind. It
wasn’t insignificant, but Jasper had known worse – much worse, and
he handled it with ease.
“He was bitten?” she asked horrified.
“He was trying to be everywhere at once. Trying to make sure Alice
had nothing to do, actually.” I had seen the recollection in Alice’s mind
as she sulked, half ready to take him on herself. I shook my head,
knowing that I would probably have done this same if it were Bella,
“Alice doesn’t need anyone’s help.”
“Overprotective fool.” She grimaced with love and frustration.
I need her, I want her… Let me have her, I heard the newborn losing
control as she wailed. Bella’s scent was driving her mad with
bloodlust. I moved to protect her, as Jasper moved into a more
defensive posture, ready to attack at a moment’s notice. Let me know
if you see her deciding to move, he flashed a thought toward me.
Though I moved to protect Bella from the newborn – both
physically, and from seeing a very real image of what her future
held, I could see that she couldn’t remove her eyes from the girl
sitting in Jasper’s custody. I watched Bella’s eyes as she watched in
horror as the girl thrashed from side to side. I could only imagine
what she was thinking.
Jasper had just about had it. He was ready to put her and the rest of
us out of her misery. He had no desire to take on this added
responsibility, especially with a very human person in the family.
Carlisle rushed to his side, putting a hand on Jasper’s arm, as he
noted his shift in mood.
“Have you changed your mind, young one? We don’t want to destroy
you, but we will if you can’t control yourself.” He said calmly.
“How can you stand it?” She swung her head around toward the very
fragrant scent of Bella, “I want her.”
I carefully watched her thought for the first sign of loss of control.
She was battling… Jasper looked up at me and I nodded,
communicating that she was currently doing all right.
“You must stand it.” Carlisle instructed her, “You must exercise
control. It is possible, and it is the only thing that will save you now.”
She clutched at the ground to aid herself in holding back, digging her
fingers further and further into the earth, though, in reality, it
wouldn’t stop her if she lost control.
“Shouldn’t we move away from her?” Bella was clearly nervous. I
wanted nothing more than to get her far away from this volatile
newborn… but it was too late.
“We have to stay here. They are coming to the north end of the
clearing now.”
I had started to hear their thoughts as they approached, appraising
the size of the pile of burning bodies, anticipating what they might
find once they got to us. I looked through the eyes of my family to
watch the horizon, while I used my own to keep a close watch on
Bella. She had shifted slightly, so as to get a better look at the
newborn. She gazed at her with an expression I found difficult to
place – fear, compassion… she was mesmerized. I suddenly realized
why she would be so interested. This was a very real example of a
newborn. Like a mirror of her future – or her rejected future…
They’re here, Alice said. I looked up then as I started to see them
through the haze. At the other end of the clearing, watching as they
neared, tracking their thoughts… They were shocked, amazed as
they came nearer and saw the entire family standing before them.

It must not be as many as it looks to be – perhaps they had a few

larger ones adding to the bulk. Demetri thought.
“Hmmm” They are strong… Aro will be very interested… that was Jane.
“Welcome, Jane.” I greeted her without feeling, but the appropriate
courtesy. Felix, Demetri and two others fan out behind her.
Jane looked over each of us – noting no injuries or losses, then
settled on the newborn. I saw her face frown, as she considered this,
wondering why we would have left one alive. “I don’t understand.”
She said in her toneless voice.
“She has surrendered.” I explained.
What? “Surrendered?” There is no such thing.
Felix looked over at one of the others. They are foolish to let this
newborn live. Are they flaunting our rules, or simply weak?
“Carlisle gave her the option.” I said, knowing she would be hesitant
to openly criticize Carlisle.
“There are no options for those who break the rules” Jane replied
flatly. I could see that her mind was decided… this newborn’s fate
was sealed. But she wanted Carlisle to object. I could see her plan –
to provoke a reaction. To see if she could bring a charge back to the
Volturi, to please Aro. The connection she felt to him was
unnatural…

“That’s in your hands. As long as she was willing to halt her attack
on us, I saw no need to destroy her. She was never taught.” Carlisle
carefully walked the political line – not giving Jane any recourse
against him.
She was disappointed, “That is irrelevant”
“As you wish” he granted, knowing the fate was sealed before he’d
even spoken.
Jane had hoped for more – for a reaction – for something as evidence
of Carlisle’s disregard for Italy. He had given her nothing. She shook
her head slightly.
“Aro hoped that we would get far enough West to see you, Carlisle.
He sends his regards.”
“I would appreciate it if you would convey mine to him” he carefully
responded.
“Of course.” She smiled sweetly, masking the frustration. She looked
around for another avenue. “It appears that you’ve done our work
for us today… for the most part. Just out of professional curiosity,
how many were there? They left quite a wake of destruction in
Seattle.” She had assessed the size of the piles and assumed they
could not be as numerous as they seemed.
“Eighteen, including this one.” Carlisle answered.
Her eyes widened in shock as she reassessed the size. That is more
than I thought… And only seven of them… Aro will find that very
interesting.
“Eighteen?” she repeated, not quite able to maintain her calm façade.
“All brand-new. They were unskilled.” Carlisle deflected, hoping to
defuse the obvious show of strength that was bound to bring the
wrong kind of attention.
She sensed a deception then. They couldn’t all have been new, or
perhaps we weren’t as through all as they would have been “All? Then
who was their creator?”
“Her name was Victoria” I answered with the same level of calm
disinterest.
“Was?” Jane asked. Then what happened to her?
I focused far high up in the mountain where Victoria and Riley
burned. She followed my gaze, recognizing the smoke from their
burning fire. She looked back at the pile. Perhaps they had
exaggerated… “This Victoria – she was in addition to the eighteen
here?”
“Yes, she had only one other with her. He was not as young as this
one here, but no older than a year.
She was incredulous. Seven vampires against twenty… “Twenty” her
calm faltered. “Who dealt with the creator?”
“I did” I responded. She assessed me, what she knew about me – and
the family. She was having trouble believing it. Moreover, she wanted
to bring back some sign of falsehood, some signal of untruth. She
looked at the newborn. Perhaps she will give me some more
reasonable answers…
“You there.” She addressed the newborn, “your name”
The newborn glared back at her, refusing to cooperate. I saw as the
decision shifted in Jane’s mind to action and she unleashed the
power of her ability on the newborn. She moaned and writhed in
pain. It made me sick to see the affect Jane’s power had.
I looked to Bella, worried this might put her back over the edge. Her
face was stiff, set – as if she could force it to end. She looked at my
face for a moment, but then away – searching for some reprieve.
However, she seemed to be holding it together.
I sighed in relief when Jane let up. “Your name” she repeated, as if
nothing had happened.
“Bree” the girl gasped. Thank goodness it is ov- her thought cut short
as Jane unleashed her power again.
I gritted my teeth against her malevolence, “She’ll tell you anything
you want to know. You don’t have to do that.”
“Oh I know” she said, but I enjoy it so. Would you like a try? But she
went on to question the girl, “Bree, is his story true? Where there
twenty of you?”
Bree searched her memory trying to piece together the accurate
number, afraid of the consequences should she fail. “Nineteen or
twenty, maybe more” she panicked, “I don’t know!” she cried out as
she braced herself for further pain, certain it would come for her
inability to answer. When it didn’t come immediately she tried to
explain, “Sara and the one whose name I don’t know got in a fight on
the way…”
“And this Victoria – did she create you?”
“I don’t know” she was sure the pain would come now… “Riley never
said her name. I didn’t see that night… it was so dark, and it hurt…” I
saw her recall the pain of transformation in perfect clarity – similar
to the rest of us. It wasn’t something you could forget, even without
a vampire mind, “He didn’t want us to be able to think of her. He said
that our thoughts weren’t safe…”
So, she knew about your gift – and a way around it, interesting… Jane
considered. Quickly flicking her crimson eyes to me, then instantly
back to Bree.
In that second I also considered what Bree said. It explained why
Alice hadn’t been able to see the connection or foretell Riley in
Bella’s room. It explained how Victoria had managed to get in and
out of Forks undetected. If I hadn’t been up at the camp site… We
might never have known… and Bella…. I swallowed at the thought.
“Tell me about Riley” Jane continued her questioning, “Why did he
bring you here?”

“Riley told us that we had to destroy the strange yellow-eyes here”

She was glad to be able to answer – to avoid the pain, “He said it
would be easy. He said that the city was theirs, and they were
coming to get us. He said once they were gone, all the blood would
be ours. He gave us her scent,” motioning toward Bella. “He said we
would know that we had the right coven, because she would be with
them. He said whoever got to her first could have her.”
She repeated what I had heard through the wolves mind just before
they attacked. Bella was the trophy. Anger welled up in me at the
memory.
“It looks like Riley was wrong about the easy part.” Jane noted. It
certainly should have been. Their strength is not to be
underestimated…
Bree nodded in agreement, searching her mind for more
information Jane might find useful, in hopes of avoiding the previous
pain. She was eager to please now, eager to avoid Jane’s displeasure
“I don’t know what happened. We split up, but the others never
came. And Riley left us, and he didn’t come to help like he promised.
And then it was so confusing, and everybody was in pieces.” She
pictured her fellow newborns – limbs being torn from their bodies,
shirking away from the madness… “I was afraid. I wanted to run
away. That one, “motioning toward Carlisle, “said they wouldn’t hurt
me if I stopped fighting.”
“Ah, but that wasn’t his gift to offer, young one.” Jane reproached her
calmly, knowing what was to come next. “Broken rules demand a
consequence.” Something the Cullen’s would do well to remember…
What consequence?, Bree wondered, will she do that painful smile
thing again?
“Are you sure you got all of them? The other half that split off?” she
checked with Carlisle, noting that, perhaps, we didn’t actually kill 20
vampires…
“We split up to” He was careful to avoid mention of the wolves. That
was not a piece of information to get back to Aro. We can only
imagine what would happen if he knew we had sided with wolves…
“I can’t deny that I’m impressed.” Jane said. No kidding a thought
flowed from behind her. There was honesty to their thoughts – they
were impressed, and fearful. They knew they were out matched. “I’ve
never seen a coven escape this magnitude of offensive intact. Do you
know what was behind it? It seems like extreme behaviour,
considering the way you live here. And why was the girl the key?”
she looked over at Bella, evaluating her from every angle, puzzled
over her ability to draw such a reaction.
“Victoria held a grudge against Bella.” I replied.
She considered now if there was a way to use Bella to give Aro what
he wanted. What if Edward attacked? He seems to have a strong
attraction for the girl. Perhaps I could force his hand and, in turn,
hand him over to Aro. She laughed as she considered it. “This one
seems to bring out bizarrely strong reactions in our kind,” she said
as she focused her full power on Bella, drawing me on…
I held myself back from attacking only with the knowledge that she
couldn’t actually hurt Bella. Still the urge to defend her was strong,
“Would you please not do that?”
She laughed at my reaction, “Just checking. No harm done,
apparently.”
I tightened my embrace of Bella as she shivered at the threat before
us, trying to reassure her it would be okay. It was almost over.
“Well, it appears that there’s not much left for us to do. Odd… We’re
not used to being rendered unnecessary. It’s too bad we missed the
flight. It sounds like it would have been entertaining to watch.” She
was careful to avoid thinking about their reasons, but I knew it was
there... there was a glimmer in the tenor of her thoughts.
I quickly responded, in hopes of trapping that thought before she
was able to file it away, to confirm our suspicions, “Yes, and you
were so close. It’s shame you didn’t arrive just a half hour earlier.
Perhaps then you could have fulfilled your purpose here.”

“Yes.” She glared back, “Quite a pity how things turned out isn’t it?”
and the briefest moment she confirmed what Alice and I had
suspected. I saw Jane, holding the others back… their perplexed look,
wondering at the delay… and her hope that we would be destroyed…
then her disappointment when she arrived and found us all alive.
What I didn’t know was where this wish originated.
“Felix?” she said, Take care of that, her thoughts preceded her
words. At the same time I heard Carlisle’s thought, save her.
“Wait” I cut her off before she could complete the command. “We
could explain the rules to the young one. She doesn’t seem unwilling
to learn. She didn’t know what she was doing.” I repeated Carlisle’s
thoughts…
“Of course,” Carlisle confirmed, “We would certainly be prepared to
take responsibility for Bree.”
They are a foolish, compassionate coven, she thought, the tone
indicating that compassion was a foul word. They would defend one
who had tried to kill them… ridiculous. Well, it will make her
destruction all the more enjoyable…
“We don’t make exceptions, and we don’t give second chances. It’s
bad for our reputation. Which reminds me…” as she eyed Bella
again, the threat unveiled, “Caius will be so interested to hear that
you’re still human, Bella. Perhaps he’ll decide to visit.”

I saw a vision of Caius, a contingent of the guard – a large one… and

then piles of burning bodies – the bodies of my family. It was Alice’s
vision, flashing before my eyes.
“That date is set,” Alice confirmed quickly, “Perhaps we’ll come to
visit you in a few months.”
The vision faded then, as did Jane’s face. She shrugged, having never
taken her gaze off Carlisle, “It was nice to meet you, Carlisle – I’d
thought Aro was exaggerating. Well, until we meet again…”
So, they will return then, Carlisle though, and with a larger contingent
of the guard… We will have to be prepared – and send Bella to visit
once she is changed, though I don’t relish the thought of putting back
in harm’s way. It may be the only way to avoid…

“Take care of that Felix” Jane completed her earlier command, “I

want to go home.”
“Don’t watch” I warned Bella as I saw Felix approach. She eagerly
complied and I pulled her to my chest, wishing I could close her ears
from the sound that was about to confirm what she was avoiding
seeing. Wishing I could take back this entire hellish day from her
mind.
Felix took out a thin instrument, flicking it toward Bree. I growled in
response to the life he was about to take. It was over quickly, Bree
incinerated in an instant – the high pitched keen a signal of the burn
of her flesh, followed by the crunch and snapping of her bones as
they turned to dust.
Bella stiffened beneath my embrace as she heard Bree’s destruction.
I rubbed her shoulders in comfort. But there was nothing I could do
now to erase the mayhem she’d seen and heard today.
No reason to hope she wouldn’t choose to remove herself from my
hellish existence
“Come” Jane said motioning toward Felix, turning their backs to us
and heading towards the forest from which they came,
The last thought to run through Jane’s Mind was Until next time. As
their gray cloaks disappeared into the mist.
Ethics 26

I couldn’t believe it was over. I pulled Bella into my arms as I heard

the last of the Volturi guard depart. I sensed, as Carlisle suspected,
they would be back. However, for now, we were safe.
I could hear Jasper and Alice, Emmet and Rosalie and Carlisle and
Esme sharing similar expressions of relief. All I wanted to do was to
hold Bella forever and never let her go. But as my memory of all that
had transpired over the past twenty-four hours came crashing down
on me, I knew I had to do what was right for Bella, as I was sure she
would now choose.
Son, I need to check on Jacob if the wolves will let me. I may need
help… Are you willing? Carlisle asked, still embracing Esme.
I looked down at Bella, feeling her warm body pressed to mine,
breathing in her fragrant scent and feeling that familiar burn. Was I
willing to let her go now to help the man who would steal her away
forever?
Is it clear? Seth’s thoughts penetrated my mind.
“They’ve left, Seth. You’re free to come over.” I said, looking over at
Carlisle, concern crossing his face.
The huge tan wolf loped into the clearing, padding straight up to me,
nose touching my hand in greeting. Sam sent me to tell you, they have
convinced Jacob to phase back to human form, but it looks like he’s
already started healing… he broke off then as his concern over took
his conscious thought. I saw, instead, the focus of his concern. Jacob
broken and bruised, lying on a table, his right arm and leg broken in
what appeared to be multiple fractures, stuck out in awkward,
unnatural positions. The picture was sickening, and I understood his
fear.
You are invited to La Push to see if you can help. We can’t take him to
the hospital… again, Seth’s thoughts broke off.
“Jacob has phased back, but he may need some medical attention.” I
trailed off now. Bella didn’t need to hear the rest. I could protect her
at least from this. “Sam has waved the treaty to invite you to help.”

Can they tell if the bones are setting properly? Carlisle asked,
avoiding speaking so as to reduce the stress on Bella’s fragile mind.
I shook my head, “I think I’ll come help you Carlisle” I responded,
then looked at Seth questioningly.

That will be fine, Seth confirmed Sam’s approval.

“Edward,” Bella looked up at me, eager yet hesitant, apologetic at the

same time, “Can I come? I want to see him… I want to see that Jacob
is all right.”

I don’t know if she should see that… and Charlie is there, Seth added.

“Bella that might not be the best idea right now. Charlie is there, and
we are supposed to be camping while you are shopping with Alice…”
She slumped her shoulders in disappointment and acceptance.
“I’ll call as soon as he leaves.” I promised.
“Thank you.” She hugged me in response.
“Edward, we need to get over there. I want to do what I can to help
him – after all they’ve done for us.” The words were a cover for the
concern he had for Jacob’s rapidly healing body – worried that if he
didn’t get there soon, the bones might heal over unset, causing
permanent damage.
“I’ll take care of her” Alice added, “We can bring her as soon as it’s
clear.”
I nodded. I gave Bella one final embrace, reluctant to let her go. She
seemed just as reluctant… though that was likely due to her concern
for Jacob.
I left with Carlisle as we ran back to the house as quickly as possible,
Seth on our tail, to pick up Carlisle’s car. It would have been faster to
run directly to La Push, however, Charlie was there. In 8 minutes we
arrived in La Push, at Billy Blacks house for the first time in all the
years we had lived in Forks. Though we were in a rush to get there,
my mind noted the quaint houses, the children running between the
yards and through the streets, the strong sense of community and
culture. I could see Bella here… She would fit in. I could imagine her
sitting on the front porch of one of the houses, watching over a
group of dark haired children… She could be happy.
We quickly went in to find Jacob lying across the dining room table
in obvious pain. Like Seth’s memory, his body was swollen, broken
and bruised along his right side. Every breath, every movement was
painful. He looked over as we walked in. “Holy S-!” started a string of
profanities as he had moved his head slightly. I didn’t need to see in
his mind that the pain was intense. It was evident in his eyes…
though in addition to the physical pain was the deep rooted concern,
would he ever walk normally again? Would he ever run? The
combined pain kept a string of moans and profanities escaping from
his mouth every few minutes.
“We were just heading back to town when I got the call on my cell
phone.” Carlisle stated, establishing our cover. “I was closer, so I
came right over, after dropping off Jasper and Emmet. Edward
wanted to see if he could help.”
Jacob looked up at me then in wonder, the movement triggering
another round of strong language.
Charlie seemed to accept the story without question as he looked
over at Jacob with concern. “Thank you Dr. Cullen… Edward. It
wouldn’t have been necessary if Jacob hadn’t been riding that damn
fool bike.” He glared, “You know, I’ve seen thousands of accidents on
these highways – motorcycles are dangerous, Jacob.”
“Bet you’re glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?”
He offered a grim smile, but the movement caused another throb of
pain, “Mother F…” Charlie cringed at the string of profanities, but
didn’t say anything more.
“Yes, well” Carlisle started, “I think I need to take a look at Jacob
now. I’m concerned he may have broken bones that might start
healing without being properly set.”
I could hear Charlie’s appreciation for Carlisle’s concern and yet a
slight wonder at his hurry. He had seen his fair share of broken bones
in his time and knew there was quite a bit of time before the bones
would begin to knit. He also wondered why Carlisle would agree to
come here instead of insisting on Jacob coming to the hospital…
Carlisle examined Jacob. It’s as I thought – the bones have already
started to heal. I’m going to need to re-break them. Edward, I’m
going to need your help to keep him steady while I do this. Can you
handle that? Carlisle’s gaze bore through me along with his
thoughts. He was really asking if I would help this man, my rival,
knowing how I had felt about him, how I struggled with his hold over
Bella.
I swallowed… then nodded slightly. I would do this for Bella. She
deserved someone who was whole, who was fully healthy and able
to care for her. If she was to choose him, I would do what I could to
make sure he was someone who could take care of her, protect her.
“I’m going to set the bones now.” Carlisle said to Billy, “It may be
painful for Jacob.”
Billy nodded in understanding at the warning. “Charlie, I think I’m
going to need some fresh air. It is a little crowded in here. Can you
take me out front?” Charlie manoeuvred Billy out the door, followed
by several of the pack, leaving Carlisle and I with Jacob, and Sam.
“I don’t think I can give you much for the pain, Jacob” Carlisle said,
after the room cleared, “Anything I give you at this point will lessen
your mental control. I am guessing you’ll need that to keep from
fazing while I reset your bones?” He looked to Sam.
Sam nodded, “I think you are right. I’ll do what I can to help him.”
Carlisle turned back to Jacob. “Jacob, Edward is going to hold you
while I re-break the bones and set them properly. If I don’t do this
you won’t regain use of your arm and leg. Do you understand?”
Jacob took a deep breath and nodded.
Standing across the table from Carlisle, I stepped up and held his
core in place with one hand, putting the other on his shoulder. Jacob
winced under my touch, but said nothing this time, only glaring at
me. Again, he breathed carefully and tried to establish a sense of
calm.
“First I’ll reset the breaks it the arm.” Carlisle advised as he took a
hold at various points along his forearm. Then, in a quick move there
was a loud crack and Jacob’s forearm lay in a more natural position.
“SON OF A -” Jacob yelled, shivering slightly. Carlisle and I both
stepped back and waited.
“Stay calm, Jacob” Sam said in a soothing but authoritative voice.
Jacob took a few deep breathes and relaxed.
“I’m going to continue with the upper arm. Are you ready?” Carlisle
asked, already putting his hands into position, as I stepped back up
to the table to brace him. Jacob nodded and as swiftly as the first,
there was the loud sound of bone breaking and his upper arm lay
normally.
“YOU SLIMY BLOODSUCKING F-” Jacob released his pain in another
long string of profanities.
We waited while he shivered and fought for control, Sam’s calm,
careful voice guiding him. We continued this slow, painful and
profanity ridden process as Carlisle reset his shoulder, two breaks in
his leg and finally bandaged up his ribs… I could hear Charlie’s
disapproving tone at the language which he could clearly hear from
the front yard.

At least Edward is always polite… would never use that kind of

language around Bella…more responsible too…motorcycles…”
When it was over, Jacob lay breathing heavily, labouring under a
dull ache, that was a mild discomfort in comparison with the pain he
was carried in with. The contorted expression in his face was gone.
Though his body was still swollen and bruised, it looked normal.
“I’m sure Billy will want to see his son now.” Carlisle stated,
prompting Sam to go to the door. Billy followed him in with Charlie
pushing his wheelchair, followed by the rest of the pack. Billy’s face
was full of pride. He knew the kind of effort and control this had
taken Jacob.
“Well, you’re looking much better, Jacob. Dr. Cullen must have done
a good job!” Charlie looked appreciatively at Carlisle, and then me.
“Well, I’d better get home. I’m sure Bella will be along soon.”
“I think they were planning a shopping trip today. I’ll be sure to send
her on home as soon as I see her.” Carlisle replied.
“See ya… take care Jacob – stay off those motorcycles…”
“Sure, sure.” He said with a faint smile.
“Billy,” he tipped his head and headed off.
After the cruiser drove away, I picked up the phone to call Bella.
“Edward, how is he? Is he alive? Is he okay?” Her worried voice
pounded me with questions.
“Yes, he’ll be fine. I suppose you’ll want to come see for yourself?”
“Can I?”
“Charlie just left. I’ll come get you.”
“You don’t need to do that. I’ll drive over.”
“It might be difficult to hide the truck if Charlie returns – besides I’m
faster.” I argued. Truthfully, I just wanted to see her again, to hold
her one last time before she saw him.
I was there in minutes, throwing her on my back and racing back to
La Push.
“Is he really going to be okay, Edward?” she asked.
“Yes. Carlisle reset his bones. He will make a full recovery.” I
reassured her.
“I just feel so…” her voice trailed off into a sob.
“Bella, it will be okay.”
“It’s my fault… It’s all…” I could feel her shaking on my back. We
were near the house, so I slowed, pulling her around to my front and
holding her, wishing I could ease her guilt.
“Bella, there’s nothing you could have done. Don’t make yourself
over the coals. Besides, we’re here. You don’t want him to see you
like this, do you?”
“No” she whimpered a little more, then took a deep breath and
calmed herself. “Okay, I’m ready.” I led her in the house.
“Jacob is resting in his room now, Bella. You can go in and see him,
but he won’t be much company I’m afraid.” Carlisle advised.
“What’s wrong with him?” Bella asked, worried.
“His right arm and leg were broken… and several of his ribs.
Unfortunately he started healing before I could help him so I had to
re- break his bones to set them properly.”

Carlisle and I both noticed the colour drain from her skin. “We
knocked him out, Bella.” He stretched the truth for the sake of her
mental health, “He’s completely out now. You can see him, just not
for a long time.”
I held her hand as she opened the door, taking in the sight before
her. It wasn’t pretty, but it was far less gruesome then the site of his
broken body when we had first arrived.
“Oh… my…” Bella whispered, tears rolling down her face. I squeezed
her hand gently, offering what comfort I could.
“He’s healing so quickly it didn’t make sense to put him in plaster.
We used braces to hold him steady though – so the bones heal
properly.” Carlisle advised.
She looked ill with worry. Standing beside her, I felt like the best
friend, the one holding her hand while she looked over the man she
loved… It was as if I had traded places with Jacob. For once, I could
truly empathize with how he had felt these past few months. I gave
her a small hug, “I’ll leave you for a few moments.” She sat down on
the bed as I walked out with Carlisle.

How is she? Carlisle asked as I closed the door to Jacob’s room.

“She’ll be okay. She is mostly just worried about him. She’ll be fine if
he is. I’m just glad he is out now…”
He won’t be for long. His body just burned through the first dose I gave
him after his bones were set. At first, I didn’t know if there was any
use… He mused, his medical mind trying to figure out this new puzzle...
And how are you? He looked back at me.
I shrugged. There wasn’t much I could say, or really wanted to say
given the location. I was racked with guilt and worry – guilt over all I
had put Bella through the past few days…over the past two years for
that matter – and worry about what I would do when she left me.

Carlisle laid a comforting hand on my shoulder. It will all work out,

Son…
We sat in silence for a few moments and then the silver cell phone
rang.
“Alice.” Carlisle answered… “Thank you.” He hung up.
“We need to get Bella back. Charlie is suspicious. He is deciding
between coming to check on Jacob, coming to check on Bella, or
staying at home and waiting. She needs to get back and be
prepared.”

“She’s a lousy liar.” I noted grimly.

“Alice has some bags from shopping. She’ll talk her through it.”
I hated to put one more weight on her shoulders, another obligation
to the Cullen family – to me. But Carlisle was right. I knocked on the
door before opening. Bella hadn’t moved from where I had left her,
sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed.
“Bella, Jacob needs his rest.” I reached for her hand, “And Alice
called. You need to get home. Charlie knows I am back and he’ll start
to get suspicious.”
She nodded sadly as she took my hand, rose and left with me. I ran
her back to Alice to prepare her for her obligation, perhaps the last
obligation she would ever have for my family.
You need to go back, Edward. Charlie is still undecided. He may
return to La Push, Alice advised as I neared. I rolled my eyes at her
insistence, but complied.
“Bella, I’ll go back and watch over Jacob… I’ll see you later.” I
swallowed as I wondered at what ‘later’ would entail.
Don’t worry, Edward. It will all work out, Alice chastised my glum
expression. I’ll talk to her, help her deal with today. She’ll be fine,
Edward. However, she didn’t call forth a vision for me to see to confirm
her words.
Carlisle and I stayed at the Black house for most of the afternoon.
He’s healing amazingly fast. It’s actually quite satisfying to see the
results so quickly. Carlisle mused. I just watched over him, imagining
what my life would be like without Bella – how I would manage
when she was with him. I pictured her walking down the aisle, on
Charlie’s arm, dressed in white – but now Jacob was waiting for her.
The pain of that vision almost crippled me. I needed to be happy for
her. Would I stay in Forks to see that happen? I didn’t know, but I
thought I would at least want the option.
Son? Carlisle interrupted, it’s time to go. Bella has gone home to
Charlie and Jacob is healing well.
I grimly nodded my head.

Alice found me in my room, sitting on the couch – staring at my

bed… at our bed. I was torturing myself, I knew – holding the ring
box in my hand, staring at the bed where she had finally agreed to
marry me. The stone of the ring caught the light, sending a
glimmering sparkle toward my face, but no light to brighten the
dark melancholy I was in, as I re-lived every moment of that
precious night.
Edward?

I ignored her.
Edward, what are you doing?
I shrugged, not trusting my voice.
Edward, she’ll be fine.
I looked up at her and saw my tortured expression through her eyes.
What’s wrong? She flew to my side… No wonder Jasper… her passing
thought lost as she wrapped her arms around me… It’s going to be
fine, Edward. She showed me the vision of our wedding, still strong
in her mind, avoiding any view of Bella. I shook my head in disbelief.
I just came to tell you, Bella went to see Jacob, or at least I assume she
did. I saw her in her truck on the road to La Push, and then she
disappeared.
My head fell to my hands… the ring box to the floor.

NO, Edward… Listen to me! She wants you. She needs you. Look at me!
Alice grabbed me as I saw Bella, sitting in her truck, holding her sides,
sobbing…
Needs 27

I found her by the side of the road, exactly as Alice’s vision had
shown. The truck rocked slightly from the force of her sobs. I quickly
opened the door, slipped in and pulled her into my arms.
She became hysterical then, her cries increasing in volume and
intensity. I had never felt so helpless – not even when she was
freezing on the mountain top, did I feel like this. All I could do was
hold her, rocking her gently.

She was just barely calm when she finally found her voice.
“Cha….lie…. Charlie”
“Are you really ready to go home?” She was far from in control. She
wouldn’t want him to see her like this. He didn’t handle emotions
any better than she did.
“Won’t…get… better.” She cried, “Need to….. Before…..call Billy….”
I wasn’t sure exactly what she was saying, but she was anxious to
get home. I carefully moved her over to the passenger seat, while I
took the wheel. Keeping one arm around her, I tried to calm her, so
she could face Charlie. For once, I was in no hurry as I drove through
Forks. She needed the time.
I could see her fighting for control, finding the calm she needed to
get in the house. She had practiced that move so often lately, yet it
eluded her now. Her face and eyes were red from crying, her eyes
puffy and sad, wet marks stained her cheeks. There was no avoiding
Charlie like this. She took a deep breath… then a fresh set of tears
and sobs. This wasn’t going to work.
I was about to tell her I would take her home – to my home – when
she managed to gain a measure of calm as we neared her house. Her
eyes still bled tears down her red and puffy cheeks, but her sobs had
lost their sound. She slipped out of the cab to go to the house. I didn’t
know what to do… to follow her, to wait, to leave…

“Wait for me upstairs.” She mumbled, answering my unspoken

question.
In an instant I was beside her, pulling her into one last hug, willing
her to have the strength until I saw her again in her room. Then I let
go and flew up to her room so I would be there for her when she
needed me.
I heard her greet Charlie and work her way through the necessary
questions. She was doing quite well, considering. I admired her
strength.
“I’ll be in my room” I could hear the approaching sob in her voice
and knew she would be here soon. Charlie wouldn’t interrupt
tonight. He had lived through one round of heartbreak. He knew
now to stay away and let her cry herself out.
She stumbled into the room, unseeing, for the tears blinding her
eyes. She reached for her wrist – to undo the clasp – Jacob’s gift. Her
fingers shook too much – she couldn’t manage it. Nor should she…
“No, Bella. It’s part of who you are.”
I pulled her in close just as the tears and sobs started anew. I
scooped her into my arms and carried her to the bed, lying down
with her. I pulled the blanket up and tucked it around her to keep
her warm from my cold body, while brushing one hand across her
face, down her arm, trying to sooth her.
“Sssh, Bella… Shhh.”
“I….. So stupid….my fault!” She said through her sobs. I wondered at
her words. I was afraid she was regretting her decision, but then she
pulled me tighter as a fresh set of tears flowed.
I wonder… maybe I should see her… no…. she wouldn’t want
that….not so bad. I was momentarily shocked at Charlie’s thoughts.
How could he think this wasn’t so bad? How could it be worse? But I
knew how it could be worse. I’d seen how bad it could be through
Jacob’s memory. This was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as that.
I thought about that mistake I’d made, about the decisions I had
come to along the way since I’d met Bella. If I had done things
differently, could I have saved her all this guilt and pain? If I had
accepted the strength of her love, and not left, she wouldn’t have
made such a connection with Jacob. I had thought that was my
burden to bear, but I seen how it was also hers. If had stayed, the
connection that was causing her such pain… I shook my head at my
foolishness. And, when I had come back, forcing them apart – then
throwing them together. I had contributed to this… I had allowed it
to happen, in my fear and insecurity, I had opened the door for her
pain and hurt.
I realized that I had never fully respected or honoured her decision.
I had tried to force her away, force her to stay and then, even when
she had chosen, I hadn’t accepted it. She was more than capable of
making her own decisions, and yet I had scorned them time after
time.

She had quieted then for a moment. I drew a sigh of relief,

momentarily strengthening my grasp on her. Her eyes opened
slightly to me then, and a fresh look of horror crossed her face.
“I’m s-s-s-so so-o-sorry.” She buried her head in my chest and
wailed… chastising herself, thrashing…. It was worse than the
crying. It was almost as if she wished to physically hurt herself. I
held her close, restraining her arms as she wailed about. “Stupid,
stupid, stupid.” She started repeating at one point and I briefly
considered calling Carlisle to provide a sedative. But she needed to
get this out.
At about two in the morning she started to calm – not because she
was done, but because she was exhausted. She fell into a restless
sleep then, thrashing now and again… mumbling about mistakes…
and being sorry.
I continued to hold her through the night, unwilling to let go. I
wished I could take her pain away, that I could go back and undo all
the things I had done to put her in this position. But whereas I had
thought before about how I shouldn’t have been in her life, I thought
now about how, if I had only accepted things from the beginning,
things might have been much, much better.

I wondered at that – how we go through life, making the biggest

mistakes, thinking, all the while, we are doing the right thing. Only,
looking back on things now, could I truly recognize my foolishness. I
suppose that is the way life is at times. I wished it didn’t have to be
for Bella.
I tried to consider how this could be good for her, how choosing me
could be the best thing... Was there a compromise? I recalled the
words Bella had said to Charlie before coming up to her room,
“Sometimes, there isn’t any way to compromise.” Perhaps she was
right, but I wished there were some way for her to have us both – to
be happy.

I watched her face as she dreamed. It wasn’t pleasant dreams. Her

face creased with worry and stress, but also, at times, resolution.
Her rest brought her some measure of healing or so it seemed. I
wondered what the morning would bring.
She finally calmed down for good at around four in the morning. I
loosened my hold on her so I could lean back and look at her face.
Her swollen eyes, her flushed cheeks pained me – tears she had
cried because of me.

I traced my finger under her eyes and along her cheek, hoping my
coolness would provide some relief. Her pain over her decision to be
with me was too much. She shouldn’t have to endure it. She had
already born so much. I wondered at the malevolent angel I
imagined governed her life and why she would have been made to
suffer so. And so I held her until morning. I knew now she had made
her decision, but wondered at the wisdom of her choice. Surely she
would be happier with him. I wouldn’t force her to change her mind,
but perhaps I could help her reconsider.
She woke suddenly, opening her eyes to me. I peered back into those
endless pools, trying to see into her soul… her mind – to decipher
whether she would be okay. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying
and fatigue and the swollen tissue surrounding them had not
receded.

“Hey” she said hoarsely.

I flinched at her non-challenge. Perhaps, in the morning light, she
had forgotten the previous day. As she awoke, she would likely
remember, and I would comfort her as long as she wanted me.
“No, I’m fine.” She answered my unspoken doubt, “That won’t
happen again.”
Won’t it? I wondered, trying with all my ability to see into her mind,
settling for her eyes again, still seeing sorrow and pain, but
acceptance too.

“I’m sorry that you had to see that.” She said, “That wasn’t fair to
you.”
Of all the people who should worry about fairness, I wasn’t one of
them. The pain I had brought into her life wasn’t fair. I had to be
sure. I held her face in my hands watching her eyes for my answer,
“Bella… are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I’ve never seen
you in so much pain-” but then I remembered the image of her,
comatose in the forest… then the lifeless zombie that showed up at
the Black house… and the image of her holding her sides… The
visions Jacob had showed me. No, I had caused her much more pain
than this.
“Yes” she confirmed as her finger traced my lips. Her eyes were
resolute.
“I don’t know” I insisted. I didn’t deserve her. If she could just
choose him, I could cause her pain no more. “If it hurts you so much,
how can it possibly be the right thing for you?”
“Edward, I know who I can’t live without.”
“But” I tried to convince her but she shook her head to cut me off.
“You don’t understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough
to live without me, if that’s what’s best. But I could never be that
self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It’s the only way I can live.”
She seemed so sure, so resolute, but she was completely mistaken.
She was the most self-sacrificing, the most brave, the strongest
person – far more then I. It was I who needed her.
“Hand me that book, will you?” she asked, pointing to her beaten and
worn copy of Wuthering Heights.

She wanted to read now? “This again?”

“I just wanted to find this one part I remembered… to see how she
said it…” She flipped to the well worn, dog eared page that she must
have loved so much, “Cathy’s a monster, but there were a few things
she got right” she said almost to herself as her eyes searched the
page. I could already hear the long memorized words in my mind as
she started to read them. “If all else perished, and he remained, I
should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were
annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.” She
nodded her head as if in agreement, and then looked up into my
eyes. “I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can’t live
without.”
Right about the time she began to read from her wretched, well
loved book, I finally understood. Her love for me was beyond the
feeble feelings of a mere human. By some strange twist of fate,
though I didn’t deserve it, she needed me just as much as I needed
her. I pulled the book from her hands, and tossed it on the desk,
wanting nothing in between us as I pulled her to me. “Heathcliff had
his moments too” I picked the words from my memory that echoed
the strength of my love for her. “I cannot live without my life! I
cannot live without my soul!”

“Yes” she confirmed, “That’s my point.”

The small noble voice inside me insisted on giving one last objection,
one last chance for her salvation. “Bella, I can’t stand for you to be
miserable… maybe…”
But she would hear no more of it. “No Edward. I’ve made a real mess
of things, and I’m going to live with that. But I know what I want and
what I need… and what I’m going to do now.”
Somewhere inside me, what I wanted and what I thought was noble
finally clicked together and I fully believed her. We would no longer
be apart. “What are we going to do now?” I corrected.

She sighed, “We are going to go see Alice.”

See Edward… I told you. You need to believe me more often. I heard
Alice’s thoughts as we neared the house. And, by the way, you can
thank me later, and no peeking in my head. I smiled. She was
exuberant. I just hoped she would let Bella have what she wanted.
“Thank you, Bella!” she sang when we arrived. I shot her a warning
look.
“Hold it, Alice.” Bella said sternly, holding up her hand, “I’ve got a
few limitations for you.”
“I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the
latest, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard
on anything, you’ll never speak to me again.”

“Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules then.”

“Don’t worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your
dress?” Don’t peek, Edward she thought as I caught a glimpse of
white before she started reciting the constitution.
Bella turned white at that. I could see this was too much, too fast. I
glared at Alice. What was she thinking? I was about to intervene to
rescue her, but Bella took a deep breath and cut me off.

“Sure.” She said, though I could see she was reluctant.

See Edward! No need to object. She had seen what I had decided to
say. She does want all this. It will be perfect, she smiled smugly back
at me.

“Um, Alice.” Bella started, forced calmness covering her panic,

“When did you get me a dress?”
I squeezed her hand in comfort, letting her know I was here for her,
should she need to bolt. Alice eyed the firm grip I kept on Bella’s
hand. You’re going to have to make yourself scarce, Edward, you can’t
see it before the wedding… keeping her mind off the dress by
changing to Spanish as she repeated the constitution.

She led Bella upstairs as I trailed behind, unwilling to allow her to go

through this alone. “These things take time, Bella, I mean I wasn’t
sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct
possibility…”
“When” Bella insisted. Briefly I saw the answer flash through Alice’s
mind before she changed from Spanish to Portuguese. Last year? She
had done this before James? Before I introduced her to the family? I
shook my head.

“Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know. Fabric masterpieces

don’t happen overnight. If I hadn’t thought ahead, you’d be wearing
something off the rack.”
“Per-who?” Panic rose in her face.
“He’s not a major designer, Bella, so there’s no need to throw a hissy
fit. He’s got promise, though, and he specializes in what I needed.”

“I’m not throwing a fit.”

“No you’re not” But I will if you don’t leave, Edward. I’ve kept this a
secret from you for far too long for you to ruin it now. I braced myself,
unwilling to leave her side.
She glared back, “You – out!” she insisted out loud.
“Why?” Bella demanded.
“Bella,” she groaned, “You know the rules. He’s not supposed to see
the dress till the day of.”
Bella took a deep breath, preparing for her objection. “It doesn’t
matter to me. And you know he’s already seen it in your head. But if
that’s how you want it…” she gave in.

See! Was Alice’s parting thought as she shoved me out the door. I
watched Bella, looking for any sign that I should rescue her. She
seemed resolved… no resigned. This wasn’t what she wanted; she
was just letting Alice have her way.
I was just about to pull her out when Alice slammed the door on my
face. GO AWAY, Edward… NO PEEKING!
I sighed and leaned against the wall. I concentrated on keeping my
mind somewhere else, but part of my mind watchful for the first sign
of distress. I worried about her new resolve. She was just letting this
happen. There was no fight in her. Our wedding should be a happy
occasion – something she wanted… Who was I kidding? This whole
wedding wasn’t something she wanted. She had always only wanted
me, forever. She hadn’t needed a ceremony, a ring or a piece of
paper. She had been decided from the beginning. It was my
insecurities, my rules, and my insistence that had caused her so
much pain. I had thought I knew better. I shook my head. I had been
so wrong.

“I’ve got so much to do! Go play with Edward. I have to get to work.”
I could see Alice’s mind already at work, pulling together the details
of our wedding. She was ecstatic, “Esme!” she called out as she went
to finalize all the arrangements.
I turned to Bella to see if there was any joy in her face. There was
only acceptance. “That was very, very nice of you.”
“She seems happy.” She said, resigned.
But are you, my dear Bella? You are the one who should be happy. I
tried very hard to not make any decisions that Alice would object to
as I reached for her. Fortunately, her mind was preoccupied with
wedding plans and keeping her mind off the dress. “Let’s get out of
here. Let’s go to our meadow.” I suggested. We could talk there. I
could decide their how to bring some joy to her face.
It worked, she brightened minutely, “I guess I don’t have to hide out
anymore, do I?”
“No. The danger is behind us.”
I thought over all that had occurred to me last night and while I
waited for her to be released by Alice. All she had ever wanted was
me – to be with me, to love me, to spend every minute with me. And
I had fought her every step of the way. What if I had accepted her
love trusted her to know her own mind from the very beginning.
How much danger would we have avoided?
I really thought it through, examining it from every angle, seeing
everything so clearly in hindsight. If I had simply accepted her love
from the first, I could have changed her then, avoiding James. If I had
let her be changed, or changed her myself after James and stayed
with her, we would have avoided the months of pain and the danger
of the Volturi.
If, even after that, I had allowed her to be changed when she asked,
when she insisted on our family vote – there would have been no
fear or danger of Victoria or the Volturi. If I hadn’t insisted on a
wedding – we could be fully together now, and she wouldn’t have to
endure another event, another thing in her life she didn’t want.
Could I do this? I let my mind wander consciously down a path I
have never allowed previously. Sure, in a moment of passion, I have
often been close to losing control – but for once I really thought
through what it would mean to give her the one thing she really
wanted – the one thing that truly cemented our relationship and
made us belong to each other. In many cultures there was no
ceremony – this was the act of marriage, the confirmation of
commitment…

Did I have enough control? Carlisle seemed to think so… But still, I
doubted. I had been so close to losing control before – the night I
decided to let her go see Jacob… the night she agreed to marry me…
What would have happened if I had? I didn’t know the answer, but
for once, I was completely unsure of what the right thing was. I had
been so sure before – and it only caused her pain.
Our meadow was perfect – peaceful, happy, no Alice. I lay besides
her, thinking through all this, holding her hand. Am I making
decisions for her now? Perhaps I should see what she really wants…
hmmm…her conditions for Alice - that would be a good place to
start. Maybe that would be the clue to her true wishes.

“August thirteenth?” maybe the date held some significance.

“That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn’t want to cut it too
close.” She confirmed it wasn’t the date or the event. She simply
wanted to get through my requirements in time to meet some
arbitrary deadline she had in her mind. Why should she rush this? I
sighed trying to find some way to help her accept more time – to do
what she really wanted.
“Esme is three years older than Carlisle – technically. Did you know
that?”
She shook her head.
“It hasn’t made any difference to them.”
When she spoke, she wasn’t panicked, as I thought she’d be. She was
calm, serene. “My age is not really that important, Edward, I’m
ready. I’ve chosen my life – now I want to start living it.”
I believed her words, and pleasure flowed through me… but the
wedding? Was she really happy with that? I noticed how her hair
shone in the sun. Brown – so beautiful… I couldn’t resist touching it,
remembering the first day in the car that I can circum to that
temptation, as I had tried to unlock her secrets.
“The guest list veto?” I asked, trying to unlock more of her secrets
now.
“I don’t care really, but I…” she hesitated. I glanced at her face as it
changed from uncertainty to resolve. “I’m not sure if Alice would feel
the need to invite… a few werewolves. I don’t know if… Jake would
feel like… like he should come. Like that’s the right thing to do or
that I’d get my feelings hurt if he didn’t. He shouldn’t have to go
through that.”

I could hear the complexity of her emotions in her voice. Her desire
to have him there – her best friend – her fear of hurting me by
voicing that desire, her sense of duty to protect Jacob from having to
make a difficult choice… I knew, if it were me, I would want that
choice – but I saw she was doing only what I had done to her so
many times – protecting her from making choices she had every
right to make… And still it was tearing her apart. It was another
stress over something she never wanted in the first place – she was
doing all this to make everyone else happy – Jake, Alice… me.
Everyone but herself.
She should be happy. I would make her happy. I pulled her tightly to
me, “Tell me why you’re doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now,
to give Alice free reign?” And in her explanation I saw, again, her
selflessness.
“It wouldn’t be fair to keep Charlie out of this. And that means Renee
and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will
make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper
goodbye. Even if he thinks it’s much too early, I wouldn’t want to
cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle.” She
grimaced at the thought, confirming her feelings about the wedding,
“at least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of
my choice, the most I’m allowed to tell them. They’ll know I chose
you, and they’ll know we’re together. They’ll know I’m happy,
wherever I am. I think that’s the best I can do for them.”
My mind became more and more resolved as she explained. I would
not force her to do one more thing in her life that she didn’t want to
do. Her entire life had been duty and pleasing others. I briefly
pictured our first conversation.
“But now you’re unhappy.”
“And?” she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered.
Her happiness was something to be considered! I wouldn’t allow her
to sacrifice her own happiness any longer. All I wanted was her
happiness. And she could have it in whatever form she chose.
“Deal’s off” I said abruptly.
“What” she gasped, panic rising in her face, and fear of rejection,
“You’re backing out? No!”
“I’m not backing out, Bella.” I quickly assured her, “I’ll still keep my
side of the bargain. But you’re off the hook. Whatever you want, no
strings attached.”
“Why?”
“Bella, I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to make everyone else
happy. And I don’t care about anyone else’s feelings. I only need you
to be happy. Don’t worry about breaking the news to Alice. I’ll take
care of it. I promise she won’t make you feel guilty.”

“But, I-”
“No.” I cut her off, gently, but firmly. “We’re doing this your way.
Because my way doesn’t work. I call you stubborn, but look at what
I’ve done. I’ve clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what’s
best for you, though it’s only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and
time again. I don’t trust myself anymore. You can have happiness
your way. My way is always so wrong. So” I shifted myself so I was
fully under her – her length laying on top of me as I lay on the
ground. Perhaps that would be the best way to keep her from injury.
“We’re doing it your way, Bella. Tonight, today. The sooner the
better. I’ll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you
enough morphine, it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s worth a try.” I cringed
as I considered the pain she would have to endure, as I prepared
myself for the control I would need later – and now.
My mind and body twigged at that, anticipation building… our
meadow, what a perfect place to begin her happiness. I couldn’t
think of anything more poetic – more Bella.
“Edward, no-” she objected, not understanding.
I would give her everything she wanted. I stopped her objection
with my finger to explain. “Don’t worry, Bella, love. I haven’t
forgotten the rest of your demands.” My voice was husky as I
pictured what we were about to do. She had wanted this for so
long… I had wanted it for so long. The desire stirred within me as my
mind gave way to the possibilities and my body started moving of its
own accord. I tried very hard to concentrate – to keep my touches
light enough, my hold from being too tight and, at the same time,
listening for her reaction to my touch. I wanted nothing more then
to bring her joy.
Now that I was decided, there was no holding back… This – was
right. Oh, how it felt right. Bella in my arms – her radiant skin, her
intoxicating scent, the warmth of her body against mine, the heat of
her lips searing me with pleasure. Almost a century I had been a
man – but never truly. I would be a man for her… I could already see
what we would do next in my mind, picturing her glorious body
against the pale blue sky – the warmth of her under my hands – and
the majesty as we were physically united. Why had I put this off?

She responded to every touch. She wanted this as much as I did now.
I had thought keeping her on top would be safer, but she seemed to
pull away slightly. I followed her lead, rolling over, pinning her
against the soft grass. It only intensified our connection as I felt her
body under mine. She shook her head – she wanted something else?
Ah, her neck… I revelled in the taste of her as I began kissing down
her neck. Her breathing deepened in response. That must have been
what she wanted.
“Stop, Edward. Wait.” She said weakly, likely in response to some
foolish desire to make me happy. Well she didn’t need to worry. I
was very happy.
“Why?” I whispered, prepared to answer her objection quickly and
move on to her blouse.
“I don’t want to do this now.” She said unconvincingly, trying to
protect me…
“Don’t you?” I challenged. I knew she did, and I pressed my lips to
hers in confirmation. Oh, yes – she did want this! Her hands tangled
in my hair pulling me closer… Her hands moved to my chest. This
time I wouldn’t stop her as she pulled the shirt from my body. I
moaned as I thought about her bare skin against mine. It would be
glorious.
But then she pushed me away. A part of me briefly considered
ignoring her feeble push, but I was attuned to responding to her
requests – to doing what she wanted. I pulled away.

“Why” I asked her roughly. “I love you. I want you. Right now.” I
looked in her eyes and saw only confirmation. I pressed my lips to
hers again as I knew she wanted.
“Wait, wait.” She protested weakly.
“Not for me.” I confirmed back, preparing myself to take this to the
next level… anticipating it…

“Please” she gasped.

It took every ounce of strength to pull myself off her – away from
what I knew we both desired – but there was no part of my being
that would willingly force her – though I was slightly annoyed. I was
so ready for this. I realized just how much I wanted it… I tried to
calm my voice before I spoke. “Tell me why not, Bella. This had
better not be about me.” I cringed as I heard a touch of anger in my
voice.
“Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right.”
She was just trying to please me. “Who’s definition of right?”
“Mine.” The resolve in her voice surprised me. I rolled over to search
her face, her eyes for any signal that she was just trying to placate
me.
“How are you doing to do this right?”
She took a deep breath, “Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I
will not leave Charlie and Renee without the best resolution I can
give them. I won’t deny Alice her fun, if I’m having a wedding
anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I
ask you to make me immortal. I’m following all the rules, Edward.
Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You’re
not going to budge me on this.”
I loved her more than ever. I wanted her more than ever. “I’ll bet I
could” I only half teased, half seriously considering it.
“But you wouldn’t, not knowing that is what I really need.”
She was right. Drat! “You don’t fight fair.” My annoyed anger fading,
replaced with awe for her decision.
“Never said I did.” She teased back.
“If you change your mind…” I almost hoped she would. August
thirteenth was beginning to seem very far away.

“You’ll be the first to know.”

And then, as if the fates, or our own guardian angel, or perhaps God
himself confirmed our decision, the clouds opened, releasing their
rain on us. She scowled as the cool wetness of the rain as it hit her
face. I brushed it away, “I’ll get you home.”
“Rain’s not the problem. It just means that it’s time to go do
something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly
dangerous.”
Had she not already been through enough? What more could there
be?
“It’s a good thing you’re bulletproof. I’m going to need that ring. It’s
time to tell Charlie.” She said dismally.
I laughed at her expression and the release of tension, “Highly
dangerous” I agreed. I reached into my jeans to pull out the ring I
had hastily picked up off the floor the night before. It seemed so long
ago now. I laughed at how ridiculous I had been, moping in myself
imposed despair. “But at least there’s no need for a side trip.”

With pure joy, I slipped it on the third finger of her left hand –
marvelling at its perfect fit – her perfect fit in my life.
Epilogue Choice

“Don’t you think you’re going a little over board with this wedding?”
I asked Alice.
“You know nothing… Nothing!” she snorted back at me… Vegas…
were calling it off all together… What kind of brother are you?
I chuckled at her obstinacies as I looked over the binders, papers,
magazines and piles upon piles of samples that had taken over her
room. I lifted the edge of the binder idly, not really thinking, only to
have my hand slapped away. You stay out of there, Edward. It’s
supposed to be a surprise.

“Fine” I said as I started to walk out of her room. On one table near
the door, I noticed the box of invitations. It reminded me of Bella’s
and my conversation in the meadow. The guest list lay on top. “I’m
allowed to look at this, right?”

Yes, fine… she mused, looking over some other infinitely more
important detail like flowers. I quickly browsed the list, noting
several names I expected and a few I didn’t, like Mike Newton – I
frowned at that. But the name I had been looking for – the one
person I knew Bella wanted to be there but whom she’d never ask,
was missing. I wondered if it was Alice’s doing or hers.
I laid the list back on the box, lifting one of the ornately embossed
pieces of card stock. They were beautiful, even more so as they
announced to the world that Bella was mine and I was hers. But
there was nothing about them that represented Bella.
I paused for a moment, and then quickly snatched one copy and the
accompanying envelope before leaving the room. Alice would notice,
I was sure of that. But she wouldn’t ask.
I walked up to my room considering what I was about to do… Was
this the right thing? I hardly trusted myself anymore. I sat down at
my desk, considering. I settled my decision through the words I now
scribbled on a piece of plain note paper from my desk.

Jacob Black,
I’m breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting
you, and she didn’t want to make you feel obligated in any way. But I
know that, if things had gone the other way, I would have wanted
the choice.
I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you – for her – for
everything.
Edward.
I quickly folded the note in half, stuffing it and the invitation in the
envelope, addressed and stamped it. Then I quickly dropped it off in
the mail on my way over to pick up Bella – before I had a chance to
change my mind.