The Lawsuit.

A very rough first draft by Madhuri

A café. Two tables on stage. One front and center. SITA and SOORPANAKHA sit
facing each other. The other table to the right in the back. The waitress, DUSHALA,
is clearing that table. The women’s table in the front has drinks, empty plates, and an
unlit candle.

SITA: Now listen. I’m sure there’s a way we can settle this reasonably. Woman to
woman.
SOO: I seriously doubt that. In fact, I refuse to say another word until my lawyer
arrives.
SITA: But we don’t need lawyers. Now why don’t we settle this in a friendly manner,
outside the courtroom, like we did last time.
SOO: I’m not happy with our last settlement.
SITA: But why? We paid for all your plastic surgery! In full!
SOO: I’m not happy with my plastic surgery. I am suing for damages caused by
emotional distress, due to faulty plastic surgery.
SITA: What’s wrong with your plastic surgery? You look… fine! You look better
than you did before?
SOO: Oh really? What do you call this?
SITA: A nose.
SOO: I call it a potato. It’s a potato nose.
SITA: …No.
SOO: Oh, it looks passable in profile. But up front, I’m Ms. Potato Head.
SITA: (mutters) Still an improvement.
SOO: What did you say?
SITA: Nothing, nothing.
SOO: And look. What do you call these? (points to her breasts)
SITA: (at a loss for words) I’m… sorry?
SOO: You should be! I have no breasts!
SITA: But I thought you had the operation-
SOO: Oh no. Ohhh no. The surgeon said there wasn’t enough left to work with.
SITA: …What?
SOO: Apparently they were cut off so close to the-
SITA: NO. Please, I don’t want to hear the details.
SOO: Why not? You were there, weren’t you? When Lakshmana cut off my nose, my
ears, and my breasts?
SITA: Well, I wasn’t looking.

Pause.

SOO: So, there you have it. Or rather, (gestures vaguely at her chest again) there you
don’t have it. My modelling career has gone down the drain.
SITA: Your modelling career?
SOO: Yes.
SITA: (pause) You never had a modelling career.
SOO: I could have had a modelling career! I’m a very attractive woman you know.
Even now, with the potato and the… (looks down) whatever you call these.
SITA: (to the waitress) Can I have another coffee please? Large. With whisky.

She turns back to Soorpanakha.

SITA: Ok, listen, Soorpanakha, be reasonable. Please.

SOO: Reasonable? I have been very, VERY reasonable. When you think about what
your brother-in-law did to me-
SITA: Yes, yes, I know it was horrible, but you have to understand. Lakshmana…
sometimes… he gets into a mood.
SOO: No, Nooo no no no no no. That was not a mood. A mood is what you and I
have once a month. THAT was a homicidial, psychopathic rage. I was very, very
reasonable. I should have pressed charges for second degree murder!
SITA: Murder?! He never meant to kill you.
SOO: He cut off my appendages. If there was any justice at all, I should be allowed to
cut off his appendage.
SITA: Soorpanakha, really, please.
SOO: Tit for tat, darling.
SITA: Doesn’t mean you should cut off his tat. And don’t forget, you attacked me
first. He was just protecting me.
SOO: Oh please, I wasn’t going to do anything to you. Just… smash your face in and
pull out all your teeth.

Sita looks at Soorpanakha. Soorpanakha sighs.

SOO: Fine. I might have provoked him a little bit. (pause) I do like my new ears
though.
SITA: Oh yes, they’re very nice.

Pause.

SITA: And… ok, honestly? I think Lakshmana took this thing way too far. He never
should have done that to you.
SOO: Oh, good! Please, say that when my lawyer gets here.
SITA: No. Stop suing us. Just get on with your life. You’re not the only one who’s
been wronged by a man, you know. We’ve all been there.
SOO: Really. You’re saying there are women out there who’ve had it worse than me?

A very strong stench fills the air.

SOO: Oh GOD. Did someone die? Is there a dead body in this place? What are they
serving us? (sniffs her food)
SITA: No, it’s just Draupadi.

DRAUPADI enters. She is flamboyantly dressed, with large sunglasses, chunky

jewellery and a colourful scarf around her head. She joins them at the table, and
removes the scarf from her hair. Soorpanakha gags, and covers her nose and mouth
with the table cloth.

DRAU: Hello, girls!

Sita sprays the air with air freshener.

SITA: Uh, Drauapdi dear… I think you’d better keep your scarf on. I’m running out
of air freshner.
DRAU: Of course, I understand.
SITA: So it’s been… twelve years now? Since you last washed your hair?
DRAU: Thirteen years, two months and eleven days. Not that I’m counting.

Dushala enters with Sita’s order, her nose covered with a handkerchief.

DUSH: I am so sorry about the smell, I don’t know what- (notices Draupadi)
Draupadi?
DRAU: Yes? No autographs please, I’m incognito. (laughs)
DUSH: No, um… don’t you recognize me? I’m Dushala.
DRAU: No…
DUSH: I’m your sister-in-law? Sister to the Kauravas?
DRAU: Not ringing any bells.
DUSH: My husband tried to molest you and violate your honour.
DRAU: Oh. (thinks) You’re going to have to narrow down that list a little bit.
DUSH: Well, your husbands shaved off half of his head, and-
DRAU: Oh right! Dushala! How are you?
DUSH: Divorced.
DRAU: Really? Congratulations. Please, join us.
DUSH: All right, for a few minutes.(sits down at the table.)

SITA: Hi, I’m Sita.

DUSH: Nice to meet you.
SOO: Soorpanakha.
DUSH: (staring) Wow. They fixed you up really nice.
SITA: So you’re divorced? I didn’t know that was allowed.
DUSH: What do you mean?
SITA: Well… we’re women from the epics, aren’t we? Models of virtue and
faithfulness. I’ve never heard of any of us getting a divorce before.
DUSH: Well, you have to remember that men wrote the epics. And you and Draupadi
are kind of like their ideal women, really, so they’ve portrayed you in a certain way.
But nobody knows who I am, and nobody cares, really, so I’m free to do whatever the
hell I want.
SOO: What about me?
DUSH: What about you?
SOO: I’m far more ideal than either of these two bitches. How come I get treated like
dirt?
DUSH: But… you’re Soorpanakha. You are not an ideal woman. You were probably
based on Valmiki’s ex-girlfriend or something.
SOO: That’s crazy.
DUSH: Not really. He was probably sublimating his Oedipal rage by channelling his
mysogynist repressive fantasies through the castration of your feminine features.

Pause

DUSH: I’m doing a correspondence course in Psychology.

SITA: Wow. Look at you. You’re independent, self-sufficient, educated… Maybe I
should get a divorce too.
DUSH: It’s not as easy as it looks. When I’m not waitressing, I have to slave in the
kitchen all day serving people who complain about every little detail… so it’s a lot
like being married.

DRAU: And why would you want a divorce anyway? You’re married to the perfect
man.
SITA: Exactly. Do you have any idea how tiresome it is to be married to the perfect
man? I live with constant feelings of guilt and inferiority. He’s so good, and righteous
and morally upright that it’s sickening. You can’t tell a dirty joke around him, and
every night it’s the same position.

Uncomfortable silence.

DRAU: Well, Sita can’t divorce Rama, that’s-

HANUMAN enters.

HAN: Jai Sita Ram!

DRAU: What?
SITA: Sorry, this is Hanuman. He likes to show up whenever people mention Rama.
HAN: Jai Sita Ram!
SITA: Thank you dear, you can go.

Hanuman exits.

DRAU: So… like I was saying. You can’t divorce… him, that’s ridiculous! You two
are the perfect couple, you know? Like… Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston!
SITA: They got divorced like a million years ago.
DRAU: Really? Um… Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman!
SITA: Where have you been?
DRAU: (thinks) Dimple Kapadia and Rajesh Khanna!

Awkward pause.

DUSH: Oh honey. You still are in the dwapara yuga, aren’t you.

SITA: I know my life seems perfect right now, but… after the whole Lanka
nightmare, I thought I was going to be happy, you know? We’re finally back together.
And everything’s settled and it’s peaceful. But there’s no adventure anymore. Now
that we’re not living in the forest or in the middle of a huge war, we don’t have
anything to say to each other. No romance.
DUSH: (in therapist mode) Mmhmm. Mmhmm. You feel disappointed.
SITA: Yes, exactly.
DUSH: You have doubts.
SITA: Yes. Like, where do you draw the line? When do you say I’ve had enough, I’m
sick of this, and I don’t want to be married to you anymore.
DUSH: Well, that was easy for me. My husband kidnapped another woman and came
home with half his head shaved.
DRAU: Yes, but also, sometimes, you just have to work at the relationship. I mean,
my husbands tend to gamble me away like a piece of property, and then sit and watch
in silence while some jerk tries to undress me in public. But, you know… that’s
marriage!

Soorpanakha sprays Draupadi with air freshener.

DRAU: Please stop doing that, it’s very annoying.

SOO: Do your husbands also forbid you from maintaining basic personal hygiene?
DRAU: No. Everyone knows I made a vow that I won’t wash my hair until I can wash
it with the blood of Dushasana.
SOO: Oh yeah, blood. That will make the smell go away.
DRAU: You know, you could invest in some heavy duty deodorant yourself.
SOO: Are you implying that-
DRAU: No, I’m saying that.

SITA: Ladies, please, let’s not make a scene. By the way, Draupadi, this is
Soorpanakha. Soorpanakha, Draupadi.
SOO: Nice to meet you.
DRAU: A pleasure.
SITA: Anyway. We were talking about something very important. Me. Now Dushala,
you’re single again! Single, ready to mingle, and all that. No husband repressing you.
And Draupadi, sure, Yudhisthra might be a jerk, but you have four other husbands!
You have spares and backups! I am stuck being married to the blandest man in the
world, and I only have one of him.
SOO: Oh give me a break.

Dushala notices that a customer has just entered. The customer is SHIKHANDI.

DUSH: Excuse me. (goes to attend on the customer)

SOO: It’s very obvious that I deserve the most pity here. I’m single, I’ve never been
married, and it’s so hard to find a decent man nowadays. It was much easier when I
was younger. Whenever I saw a cute guy, all I had to do was give him one look, snap
my fingers… and my brother Ravana would tie him up and make him my slave! Then
of course, Rama had to go and kill my brother.

Hanuman enters.

HAN: Jai Sita Ram!

SOO: Go away!

Hanuman exits.

SOO: So now what do I do? I’m getting older, my assets got cut off...
SITA: Well, you could rely on your winning personality.
SOO: That is true… Wait. Are you being sarcastic? Because remember, I’m suing
you.
SITA: Oh no, oh nooo, I’m not sarcastic at all. You have a wonderfully pleasant
personality.

Dushala returns. Soorpanakha notices Shikhandi seated behind them.

DUSH: You girls want anything else?

SOO: Oh my God. Don’t look, don’t look, but there is a very, very cute guy sitting…
right there.
DUSH: Actually, that’s not a-

Draupadi, wanting to have some fun, shushes Dushala.

DRAU: Yes, he’s very cute.

SOO: You girls don’t get any ideas, because he is all mine.
DRAU: Please, go ahead. Show us how it’s done. Maybe this time he won’t multilate
you.
SITA: Shh! (looks at Soorpanakha and laughs nervously)
SOO: All right, I’ll talk to him. And you will see how any man in his senses will fall
for me immediately, unlike your deviant husband and his sexually repressed brother.

She sashays over to Shikhandi. Try saying that three times, really fast.

SOO: Hi.
SHI: Hello.
SOO: Are you expecting someone?
SHI: No.
SOO: (sits down) Hi.

Conversation mutes down, and we shift focus to the front table.

SITA: Who is that guy? Do you know him?

DRAU: That’s not a guy! That’s Shikhandi.
SITA: Shikhandi? The warrior? But… Shikhandi’s a woman!
DRAU: Yes. Exactly.
SITA: Oh. You are wicked. You are wicked!
DUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise your candle’s gone out. (digs around for a
matchbox)
SITA: Oh, don’t bother, don’t bother. (claps hands) Hanuman!

Hanuman comes in with his tail on fire, lights the candle, and leaves.

DUSH: That is one useful monkey.

SITA: Tell me about it.
DRAU: Shh, let’s watch the show.

The show.
SOO: So tell me, what do you?
SHI: I’m a warrior, on a quest for vengeance. Here’s my card.
SOO: Shikhandi, A vengeance warrior. Hm. Hi, I’m Soorpanakha.
SHI: Soorpankha! The Soorpanakha!
SOO: You’ve heard of me?
SHI: Yeah. Wow. You look a lot better than I would have expected.
SOO: Thanks. You know, I’ve heard of you too. Your name sounds really familiar.
SHI: I freelance as a weapon’s expert. There’s not a lot of money in revenge,
unfortunately.
SOO: You deal with weapons? That is so sexy.
SHI: Uh… thanks.
SOO: What kind of weapons?
SHI: Um, well… Swords, spears, catapults, the odd battering ram…

Hanuman enters.

Hanuman: Jai Sita Ram!

SOO: He said ram not Ram. Shoo!

Hanuman exits.

SOO: Sorry. Where were we?

SHI: He? He?
SOO: Why are you laughing?
SHI: No, I’m not laughing… Um. I’m not a man.
SOO: (pause) Are you sure?
SHI: Extremely sure.
SOO: (realising) Oh you’re that Shikhandi.
SHI: That’s right. I’m a woman.
SOO: (pause) Excuse me.

Soorpanakha goes back to her table. Everyone bursts out laughing.

SOO: Go to hell.
DRAU: (turning to Shikhandi) Shikhandi, hi.
SHI: Draupadi! How nice to see you.
SITA: Please, join us.
DRAU: Yes, someone at this table has a crush on you.
SOO: (sulky) I do not.

Shikhandi pulls up a chair and joins them.

SHI: Don’t worry about it. If I had a rupee for everytime a woman came up to me and
told me I was sexy, I would have… well, I’d have one rupee.

Everyone giggles, obviously in love.

DRAU: Dushala, you know Shikhandi, right?

DUSH: The ambiguously gendered warrior on a quest for personal vengeance? Of
course. I’m doing my thesis on you.
SHI: (not sure what to make of this) Um, I’m flattered.
SITA: Wow, the famous Shikhandi. I’ve heard a lot about you. Apparently you’re
going to be a major player in the war that’s coming up. What made you go into the
vengeance career?
SHI: I’m sure you’ve heard the stories. I was engaged to this guy, but Bhishma
kidnapped me on my wedding day along with my sisters. I escaped and went back to
my fiancée, only now he didn’t want to marry me because his ego was wounded, or
whatever. So then I realised that since I wasn’t getting married any time soon, I was
now completely free to do whatever I wanted. And what did I want to do most? Kill
Bhishma, of course. Kill him slowly and painfully. So I enrolled in karate classes and
eventually joined the army.
SITA: That’s so cool.
DRAU: Did you know? Shikhandi can beat up men twice her size. She can beat up
any guy in this room.
SITA: Wow. Can you beat up that guy? (points to someone in the audience)
SHI: Yeah.
SITA: And that guy? (points to someone in the audience)
SHI: Of course.
SITA and SOO: (dreamy) Wow.

DUSH: Shikhandi, I’ve always been curious. What do you plan on doing after killing
Bhishma?
SHI: Hm. First I’m going to take a long nap. Then I’m going to get married and have
lots and lots of babies.

Pause.

Everyone else: WHY?

SITA: Don’t you want to continue to be a kick ass role model? Like Xena?
SHI: No, I want babies. I mean, sure… I have no regrets so far. I can snap a guy’s
neck using my thumb and index finger. But I’ve always wanted to be a housewife. I
want to cook, and be pregnant, and give my husband foot massages.
DUSH: Sounds a bit anti-feminist to me.
SHI: Feminism’s all about choice now, isn’t it? And this is what I want.

They contemplate this.

SOO: Will you marry me?

SHI: What?
SOO: I want someone to cook for me, and be pregnant with my babies, and give me
foot massages.
SHI: Um, thanks but no thanks.
SOO: (sighs) Life would be so easy if I could just find a husband who’s willing to get
pregnant on my behalf.

SITA: (muttering) Well, maybe you’d have more luck with that if you didn’t go
around attacking people’s wives.

SOO: I’m not listening to you. (to Shikhandi) It’s been so long since a man looked
into my eyes and said those three magical words.
SITA: (to Dushala and Draupadi) What? ‘Seek Professional Help’?
They snicker.

SOO: (incensed) All right, that’s it, you’re going DOWN.

SITA: Oh yeah?
SOO: Yeah!
SITA: BRING IT ON!

They get ready to bring it on. Suddenly, Sita calls out-

SITA: Wait!

Sita fishes around in her handbag, finds her whistle, and blows it. Hanuman comes
running in, and holds out his tail like a sword.

HAN: Jai Sita Ram!

Soorpanakha is dumbfounded.

SOO: What, you’re going to have your trained monkey attack me?
SITA: …Yes.
SOO: What’s he gonna do? Tickle me to death with his tail?

Sita looks at Hanuman. Hanuman tries to look fierce but finally gives up and shrugs.

HAN: Yeah.

SHI: Ladies, please. Things are bad enough for us without fighting with each other as
well.
SITA: I guess you’re right. Thank you Hanuman, you can go now.

HAN: Jai Sita Ram! (exits)

SOO: You know what? I was thinking that maybe I’d settle again, out of court. But
now you’ve made up my mind. I am suing you, and I am taking this to court, and I’m
going to go through with it, completely.
SITA: No, come on, have some sympathy. If we take it to court, it’s such… bad
publicity! My huband’s a King, you know. This whole thing is turning out to be a
nightmare for public relations!
SOO: Why do you care? (pause) Ok, I wasn’t going to say this, because I was looking
forward to seeing you suffer, but… you know, you should really be on my side.
SITA: Why on earth??!
SOO: You keep defending that husband of yours, but do you know what he’s going to
do? I do. I’ve read the story.
DRAU: You can read?
SOO: Shut up. (pause) Ok, I saw it on TV. He’s going to dump you in the forest,
alone and unprotected, when you’re eight months pregnant with twins.
SITA: Oh my God.
DRAU: Don’t listen to her, dear, I’m sure that’s not going to happen.
SOO: Oh really. Do you know what happens to you? You finally wash that hair of
yours, but you lose all yours sons in the war.
DRAU: No!
SOO: Yes. And you (to Shikhandi) will be portrayed in all the stories, for all time to
come, as a eunuch!
SHI: WHAT?
SOO: Yes. Heavens forbid a woman should actually be capable of fighting in a war.
And you- (to Dushala) well, no one knows who the hell you are anyway.

Dushala shrugs nonchalantly.

SOO: So you see, I am fully justified in pursuing this lawsuit. And now, I am not
going to speak another word until my lawyer shows up.
SITA: Where is your lawyer anyway? He’s an hour late.
SOO: I’m sure he’s just… stuck in traffic.

They all look at her sceptically. Soorpanakha takes out her cell calls her lawyer.

SOO: Hey, where are you? We were supposed to meet… yeah. At 12 o’ clock. Yeah.
We had a date, hello….What do you mean, something came up, what… So why
didn’t you call? … Yeah… Ok. Ok… so… I’ll call you?... No, ok, you call me, ok…
and also-

Looks at her phone. Hangs up.

SOO: He stood me up.

ALL: Bastard.

Lights out.