
February
The Pittiful News
The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University
Stuff from Last
Night is instant
internet
phenomenon
By: Kelly Henke
Staff Writer
Inspired by the internet phe-
nomenon Texts From Last Night
(TFLN), two developers have
created a website devoted to the
sharing, explaining and recovery
of items discovered and mis-
placed following a night of ques-
tionable behavior.
The homepage of Stuff From
Last Night on any given day is
full of compelling posts such as
“who’s box of spaghetti noodles
did I wake up next to?” and
“dear mystery lady from last
night, would you like your cou-
pon book back?”
Two distinct section of the
website (one for items that have
been found and one for items
that have been lost) include cate-
gories for recently added items as
well as a chart detailing the most
popular lost/found items.
Money, keys, coats, young
children, cell phones, stereo
equipment, dignity, employment
and the will to live make up the
most popular lost items while
articles of clothing, vomit, con-
traceptives, unclaimed alcoholic
beverages and mysterious stains
top the Found list. Hundreds of
people view these lists everyday
and numbers continue rising
with every passing drinking-
related holiday.
The duo got the inspiration for
the site following a night of ex-
treme intoxication. Cofounder
David Stein recalls the discovery
SFLN, Page 2
of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 16
18
2011
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Valentine’s Day linked to rising temperatures
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief
itive correlation between sex
and the temperature.
In a radical attempt to pro-
tect the environment, Student
Analysts have concluded
“Last year, we thought that
it was due to people looking at
Democrats are attempting to
get in contact with an elite
that the sudden increase in
temperature is due to global
the lawn of the Soldiers and
Sailors museum that the heat
agent, with the intent of stop-
ping the sexual nature.
warming caused by Valen- was rising, but now we’re “We can’t say who it is,”
tine’s Day sex. pretty sure that sex is a more said Clint Bilson, a spokesper-
The festivities of St. Valen- contributing factor,” said Car- son for the party, “but he did
tine’s occurred this Monday, buncle. release a message for every-
with most couples across the Upon hearing an early re- one: “If you keep having sex
United States indulging in lease of this news, some stu- and melting the ice caps, a’l
some serious celebrations…of dents were sent into a panic. gore you to death with a rusty
the sexual nature…namely “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” spike.”
having sex. said Lisa Bush. Her’s was the The Republicans are taking
“I totally had sex with my most shocked reaction, possi- alternative measures.
girlfriend,” said junior Rich- bly due to the fact that she “We don’t need to kill peo-
ard Bigatel. was actually contributing to ple, we just need to pass a law
“He totally had sex with the warming when informed. Global Warming, Page 2
me,” said his girlfriend, soph-
omore Gina Van Damme.
But what the two of them
didn’t know was that with
every inch that he gave her,
another was shaved off of the
polar ice caps.
Scientists around the Uni-
versity started noticing what
was happening whenever
there was a sudden increase in
the temperature across this
week.
“There was some pretty
conclusive evidence,” said Dr.
Polly Carbuncle. “I was look-
ing at the thermometer, and
then I dropped it, and it
broke, and some mercury got
on my leg, and then I washed
it off, and then I realized that
since it got directly on my
skin, I had to have been wear-
ing shorts, and I only wear
shorts when it’s warm out,
therefore, it was warm out.”
Researchers quickly sent
out their interns to get some
data, studying what had been
Retired Egyptian President Mubarak is believed to be currently hid-
done differently during the
ing and comatose . Lucky guy. That means he didn’t have to see how
week, and thus found the pos-
bad last night’s episode of The Office was.
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com
Advice and random info right here!
By: Tim Horn
Staff Writer
Dear Mr. Horn,
People think I am weird be-
cause I masturbate while reading
my Statistics notes. I’m sorry,
but the thought of finding the
mean and standard deviation of a
bell curve gets me so horny. Why
do people in my dorm think that
is so strange? I mean, they do it
while watching C-SPAN!
-Mr. Bater
Dear Mr. Bater,
Excuse me, I think I have to
go vomit now.
Dear Mr. Horn,
I forgot to get something for my
girlfriend for Valentine’s Day.
What should I do?
-O. Crap
Dear Craphead,
They say that “Hell hath no
fury like woman scorned.” You
are in serious trouble. My ad-
vice: Confront her in the open
and talk it through. It won’t
resolve the situation, but at
least we can all get a good laugh
SFLN=FTW
SFLN, Page 1
he made the following morning:
two streets signs, a blue and gold
macaw and a gallon sized con-
tainer of potato salad.
Since its creation in June
2010, the website has received
plenty of positive reviews. On
reviewer hailed the blog as “the
Craigslist for irresponsible
drunks” and recent news has
accredited the site with helping
an Illinois man locate his wife
and lawnmower.
Got some Stuff that you Found
Last Night? Tell us about it.
PittifulNews@gmail.com
Check out SFLN online. And if
it doesn’t turn up with anything,
check out some other cool websites.
Maybe www.pittifulnews.com. I
hear that site’s pretty boss.
Sex: Deadlier than ever
at watching her kick your butt
in public.
Dear Mr. Horn,
Why are there no anatomically
correct characters for kids? Bar-
bie and the Cat in the Hat do not
remotely resemble either gender,
and yet we know which one they
are. Why then is there no ana-
tomical correctness?
-Ann Atomicallycor-
rectthankyouverymuch
Dear Ann,
It all started with Dr. Seuss
himself. His first children’s
story actually received very
negative attention and does not
receive any mention today be-
cause it was considered “too
graphic.” The main source of
controversy was the opening
pages of his book, “Mr Mac-
Strader’s Magic Castrator.”
“You can smell it in the halls.
You can smell it on the walls.
Oh, look what’s on the floor!
It’s Little Bobby’s balls!”
The Pittiful News
HARD COPIES: Every Friday
SOFT COPIES: Online
MEETINGS: Wednesdays
E-MAIL: Any computer
Global Warming, Page 1
that allows sexual intercourse
to only be used for reproduc-
tion. That’ll actually kill two
birds with one stone, now that
I think about it,” said
spokeperson Donald Dean.
Scientists immediately pointed
out flaws with this plan.
“If all sex is reproductive,
then there will be a huge spike
in the number of babies born,
the force of which could offset
the Earth’s orbit and send it
hurtling into the sun,” said Dr.
Mike Bays. “I really have no
idea what to do, but it’s not
that.”
Small methods of prevention
are being taken around Pitt in
the meantime. Student Health
Services and local convenience
stores are going to stop selling
condoms to students and in-
stead sell them copies of The
Expendables, a movie guaran-
teed by the Pitt News to stop
you from getting laid. Experts
say that it is because the ac-
tion flick is too distracting for
www.pittifulnews.com
8:30-9:00, 237 Cathedral
PittifulNews@gmail.com
males, but other sources say
that the movie was such a let-
down, with 2/3 of the movie
being boring talking and horri-
bly flawed political concepts,
such as Mickey Rourke saying
what love is, Jason Statham
reciting poetry, and an over-
zealous and violent overthrow
of a dictator guaranteeing in-
stant peace, that it decreases
expectations for just about
everything, whether it be sex,
the latest Mountain Dew fla-
vor, or the next Batman mov-
ie, that the viewer doesn’t
want to indulge in any of
them.
Jake Swanson really wants to
get a story into the New Yorker,
but that last sentence still isn’t
long enough to meet their mini-
mum requirement. And, let’s
honestly stop kidding ourselves,
The Expendables sucked. Not
Last Airbender levels of suck,
but it was a pretty big letdown.
Towers Lobby