FP's Pokemon Ruby Playthrough

Part 1 - Saving Professor Bitch Birch

My name's Player. I'm a BOY, dumbass. Just gimme my Pokemon
and go spoon with your assistants or something. Gawd.

What the hell? I'm sitting in the back of a frikking MOVING VAN?
Abusive mother much? You sure aren't getting anything on Mother's Day.
Moving Pokemon, great, you just like them for their pecs. Mom, Taillow has
Pecks and it isn't half as ugly.

Wow, who left this Potion in my computer? Sucker. It's 10:52 PM, too
bad this game has a FRIKKING CRAPPY clock system so I'll just assume
that crap says 10:52.

HOLY SHIT, my dad is on TV? Aww, it ended. Fucking reporters, I'll

hang them some day. Oh well, time to let Mom kick me out of the house. I'm
gonna go bother my neighbors.

Daughter? Same age? HELLO. Wait. SHE HAS A FUCKING

FANNY PACK?! Screw it, I can get ten times better than this. May? Hi, I'm
December, how are you? Helping your dad catch wild Pokemon, better wear
longer pants or they'll be wild all right.

Oh, hey short kid. Someone's shouting down the road, someone
should help, why the fuck are you just standing there? Guess we gotta play
hero.

A Poochyena? YOU FUCKING WUSS. IT'S LEVEL FRIKKING

TWO. YOU COULD KILL THAT THING. Oh well, we get a free slave,
why not? I'll choose this blue thing, I liek it.

BOSS FIGHT: POOCHYENA

Mudkip used Tackle. Poochyena used Tackle. Mudkip used Tackle.
The end.

---
 You heard about me through my father? Oh gawd, did he tell you
about the time I--oh, okay. Yeah I don't have any slaves. I do have my
father's blood in my veins. I cut his throat and some of it got in a cut. That
might've been that guy who tried selling me condoms in a dark alley, but
whatever, neither of them had HIV, so I'm not bothered. YES, I GOT A
SLAVE! I'll name it insaneNESS, because this thing is fucking insane. Eww,
you want me to see that whore with the fanny pack? Well, she's not bad
aside from the fanny pack, I'll give her a shot.

Status

insaneNESS (Mudkip) - Level 5 - 21/21

Part 2 - I'm a Rival Beater

With NESS, I sail forth. Tally ho, a Zigzagoon! Ooh, it's female.
Tackle it, NESS, Tackle harder! FASTER! YESSSSS!!! She's even
Growling, she likes it!...I think you Tackled too hard, it's on the floor. It's
bleeding from its every orifice. Holy crap.

A Wurmple? It must su-OH MY GOD, STRING SHOT?! I must have

one. I reached Level 6, NESS is the devil. Mud Slap? Kinky.

A town...woo, a nurse? Hello. Ugh, I can't go over the counter. Nor is

there a "Bang girl" option. This game sucks. Oh well, let's head out.

Another Potion, from a weirdo who stands outside someone's house

promoting a store not 10 steps from where he is. Dumbass. Let's go Tackle
some more female Zigzagoons.

After grinding with female Zigzagoons, I think it's time we met May.
Frick, there's a witness. Gotta slit his throat before I try anything. Hey,
wanna fu-wait what battle

POKEMON TRAINER MAY

 May has a level 5 starter of whatever beats yours. Still very easy. At
this point you should be at the very least one or two levels higher. Spam
your attacking move and win.

---

Ooh, gecko. Can you save me 15% or more on car insurance? Eww, a
male Pounding a male? May, you sick 10 year old. I hate you, you fucking
ugly bi-WHOA wait I get money for beating up other people's pets? What
have I been MISSING? This is gonna be fun. But for now, let's beat up more
helpless animals.

NESS now knows Water Gun. Tackle, and Mud Slap? NESS knows
how to live, man.

Status

insaneNESS (Mudkip) - Level 10 - 7/32

Part 3 - To Petalburg City

Alright, time to head back. May intercepts you for no reason at the
bottom of Oldale telling you to go home (Protip: Home IS that way,
dumbass), and we arrive back at Littleroot. Crappy town name aside, we
head into Birch's lab.

Hi, Bit-er, Birch. Of course I beat her first try, her Pokemon's Level
frikking 5. A PokeDex? What the fuck is this thing? WHOA, May gave me
balls. Usually it's the man who does that, May. Well, time to leave this town
and not come back unless I want to whore off a rest from Mom. Speaking of
Mom, gotta steal Running Shoes from her. I got Running Shoes! Da-da daa
daaaaaaa! Press B to run! That's it. Lazy Game Freak.

This dumbass traced his own footprints thinking it was a Pokemon's.

Thanks for blocking the way, ass. We got some rarer Pogeyz here, so I'mma
start forcing them into my balls. Of course, I find a Ralts right away, but
Trace isn't what we want. Gotta keep lookin' then. Whoa, Surskit. These
things are rare to find without having a swarm. But they're useless as shit in
a battle, plus I already have a Water type. Die.

We beat up this Youngster and rob him of his pocket money and
move on. Gotta avoid the rest, need training for someone we're catching
later. We head on the the nurse we still can't bang and have teh pogeyz
healed, and head on over to the Gym my father apparently runs.

Some chatting, then some kid named Wally appears. He brings me

over to Route 102 again and...you lucky prick, it took me ages to find a
Level 4 Ralts, you find a Level 5? How did your light brown hair become
puke green? And why did you bring me along when you already know how
to do this? Aaaaand he leaves. Asshole, I'll pay him back some day. Dad
wants to battle some day, blah blah blah, time to head on over to Route 104.

Status

insaneNESS (Mudkip) - Level 14 - 41/41

Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 8 - 23/23

ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 4 - Through the Forest and the Games

After much searching, I finally find my Taillow and level it up. See
Mom, I TOLD you it has Pecks. Pecks that destroy little acorns and bugs.
Now, we beat up the little kids on Route 102 and take their money.They're
honestly the weakest little shits ever. You'd expect even a beginner trainer to
have more than two Wurmple. Then we move on to Route 104 and beat up
the people there. Now, we enter the Petalburg Woods.

It's dark and scary in here, it's like being back in Libby's closet! But
there's free stuff on the ground, so score! An idiot challenges me with six
Wurmple. Not nearly as interesting as the 6 Magikarp guy, but still good
EXP. A Devon Researcher asks us if we found a Shroomish. Before I can
ask him how much money he has, a Team Magma Grunt interrupts our deal
and attacks. You dumb fuck, I was just about to make big cash! Anyways I
trash his Poochyena without trouble and watch him take off. Damn it, cheap
ass Devon guy, a Great Ball? I saved your company's ass and you give me
600 of whatever currency we use worth of merchandise? Before I can
"persuade" him to give me more compensation, he takes off. Oh well, I
OHKO the last Bug Catcher's wimpy Nincada and exit the woods.

Some dude gives us a disc to spit seeds. Unfortunately my pokemon

are too dumb to know how to do that so I just keep it in my bag. We
experience our first double battle, beat up the three Magikarps guy, and head
on to Rustboro City. We heal and head over to the Trainer's School to take a
Quick Claw from the teacher. We also go to this random guy's house, and he
teaches our Pokemon how to Cut. Great idea, teaching Pokemon a technique
that makes them emo. Well then, time to head over to Route 116 to see if
there's anyone worth fighting.

The trainers are certainly a step up, but they still suck. Pick up some
EXP, money, and items, and continue on our way. Return to Rustboro, it's
Gym time.

Status

insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 16 - 52/52

Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 14 - 34/34

Dallas (Taillow) - Level 14 - 36/36

ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 5 - Roxanne's Hard

 We beat up the wimpy Youngsters and their Geodudes. Not much to
say, none of them attacked. Now for Roxanne.

GYM LEADER ROXANNE

Her Geodude can deal a bit of damage with Rock Throw or Rock
Tomb, but if you have any Water or Grass type above Level 8 this thing
goes down quick. Even without a Water or Grass type, a Fighting attack
from Combusken or Makuhita work just fine.

Nosepass is a whole different story. There's no double weakness to

exploit, so just throw everything you've got at it. Rock Tomb can be
annoying, so if you've got a Level 9 Poochyena or Level 13 Zigzagoon Sand
Attack it, then use your strongest attacks. It has a weakness to every starter.
Grovyle can Absorb, Combusken can Double Kick, Marshtomp can Water
Gun or Mud Shot. Rock Tomb slows you down, and Roxanne has a couple
of Potions, don't be afraid to use your own. Leave your flying types out
unless Wingull's your only Water type. Beautifly sucks, don't bother using
the Absorb super effectiveness on Nosepass.

---

I take my badge, money, and TM from Roxanne. Rock Tomb's a decent

move, so I keep it for a bit.

As I leave the Gym, I see another one of those Team Poochyena

Grunts. Eager for some money, I give chase. Dallas wipes out the wimpy
Poochyena and I get the Devon Goods. Some old guy reclaims his Wingull
and I get the fuck out of there.

Now I beat up the two trainers hiding behind Cut trees and go back to
Rustboro. That's twice now I saved your company's ass. And you give me
another Great Ball. If it weren't for the fact that I have no where to go I'd
throw your stuff into the ocean. Well, time to head back to Mr. briney's
cottage.
 Status

insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 17 - 54/54

Dallas (Taillow) - Level 15 - 37/37

Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 14 - 34/34

ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 6 - I'm on a Boat!

We journey through the Petalburg Woods again, taking the Cut path
this time to get some more items, cause we're just so fucking greedy. We
break into Mr. Briney's house (which doesn't have a door...) and demand that
we bring us to Dewford. And now...

I'M ON A BOAT!

Great, we sail for Dewford and somehow arrive there in a matter of seconds.
The peaceful town is interrupted by my arrival. I rob several inhabitants,
netting myself a Silk Scarf and an Old Rod. Decent haul for a small place. I
convince a person there that "Your Mother" is the biggest thing in cool, and
head up north.

A fisherman who seriously needs to go potty accosts me, and I give

him a reason to piss. The next one comes at me with his pro Magikarp.It was
a hard fought battle, but his Magikarp was no more. Then his much weaker
Tentacool came out. Player 0 is male, so the Tentacool's Wrap attack was
ineffective and I emerged victorious. Now all I need to do is level up in
Granite Cave, deliver the message, and kick Brawly's ass.

Status
insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 19 - 54/60

Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 16 - 38/38

Dallas (Taillow) - Level 16 - 39/39

ZUBAT (Zubat) - Level 11 - 12/31

ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 7 - Player 0 joins the Brawl

Player 0 and Dallas plow through the trainers with Confusion and
Wing Attack, and we come across Brawly.

Gym Leader Brawly

I send out Player 0. Player 0 uses Confusion four times. Machop and
Makuhita faint. I win!

---

Well, that was fun. I collect my spoils, and run off to Mr. Briney to
bring me to Slateport. Oh yeah, the letter. *delivers* Kay let's leave this
puny town.

Nothing of much interest on the beach, I got Soft Sand and went to the
Seashore House for some Soda Pop. Trainers give decent EXP, though.
Healing up, selling junk I don't need, training a bit, and I take on the Magma
Grunts at the Museum. Their pussy Numel are no match for Player 0. I
deliver the Devon Goods and train some more before heading farther up
Route 110.
 Status

insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 20 - 63/63

Dallas (Taillow) - Level 20 - 47/47

Player 0 (Kirlia) - Level 20 - 49/49

ZUBAT (Zubat) - Level 12 - 33/33

ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 8 - The Battles Three

After doing some catching and training, we find May in the grass.
Who knows what she was doing with her back turned like that, but anyways,
we battle.

Pokemon Trainer May

My new recruit, Rival, Quick Attacks Wailmer to death. Easy, seeing
as all it did was Splash. Numel fell to Water Gun from NESS, and Dallas
bitchslapped May's Grovyle with his wing and allowed us to continue on our
way.

---

Well, that was fun. May gives us the useless Itemfinder and--whoa,
bike. I want one. We beat up some more people for cash and go north to
Mauville City. After healing, we head over to the Gym. Hey, it's Wally!
Let's go beat him up for catching a Ralts at Level 5.

Pokemon Trainer Wally

This is the strongest trainer you've faced so far. This is it. THIS IS
WHERE YOU MAKE YOUR STAND. loljk. Just use your strongest attack
and OHKO his pussy Level 16 Ralts.
 ---

Well, he hands over his cash and leaves for Vendanturf. Unsatisfied
by the reward, he stalk him back home, where he's busy crying in his room.
Meh, you don't take money from people like that. I sell my useless junk and
head back to Mauville for some training and to kick the Gym Leader's ass.

The Gym hardly fits the theme. There are a total of two trainers that
actually use Electric Pokemon in there. We beat them up along with the
Zigzagoon and Meditite they brought in there and go over to Wattson.
Whoa. He's a military guys, he sets traps that electrify to the touch, and he
looks like Sants Claus as an electrician. Best Gym Leader ever.

Gym Leader Wattson

Expecting a tough fight? TOO BAD. GROUND TYPE TIME. Use a
Ground type and this battle's basically over. Magnitude/Mud Shot depending
on if you have Geodude/Graveler or Marshtomp. Or if you somehow have a
level 45 Nincada, you can use Dig, but you'd have to be fucking insane to do
that. Just use your Ground type. Or Grass, if Ground is unavailable.

---

Well, collect your spoils, TM Shock Wave is good if you can't wait
for your Electrike/Plusle/Minun to get an electric attack, and it gives Kirlia
another move to use besides Confusion. So head out, go north, you have
Rock Smash, right? If not, why the fuck are you waiting, go and get Rock
Smash. Head north past the Winstrate house. Go go go.

Status

insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 26 - 79/79 - Soft Sand

Dallas (Swellow) - Level 23 - 62/62 - Silk Scarf

Player 0 (Kirlia) - Level 22 - 53/53 - Quick Claw

Rival (Electrike) - Level 22 - 54/54 - Soothe Bell

ZUBAT (Zubat) - Level 12 - 33/33

ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15