SSC PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT HAND-OUT 9

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPSSC PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

HAND-OUT 9
Researchers have found that relationships are essential to one’s happiness (Berscheid 1985; Berscheid and Reis,
1998; Lasen, Ommundsen, and van ver Veer).

On the other hand, the absence of close relationship can produce a profound negative effect on an individual
who is deprived of it, such as feeling worthiness, powerless, and alienated (Baumeister and Leary 1995; Stroebe and
Stroebe 1996 in the Rozenberg Quarterly). Research goes further in concluding that our very humanity is defined by our
relationship.

There are many types of relationships depending on the nature of interaction that exist between two or more
entities. For example, there is business transactional relationship, professional relationship, family relationship, friendly
relationship, romantic relationship, and so on. We can also say that every relationship has specific objectives or purpose
that a person wishes to pursue, either because of need, want, or desire.

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP
This is the type of relationship which is closely associated with a person and which can only have meaning to
this person. Privacy and intimacy are two characteristics that define personal relationship. Personal relationship also
involves a degree of commitment to another person or persons. In contrast, an impersonal or informal relationship may
have a commitment not to a person or group of persons, but to an entity such as a business organization, a principle, or
a cause.

How are attachments developed?

The very first meaningful relationship every human being encounters is with one’s mother. Even before birth,
the mother-child relationship is already established. The intimacy that is nurtured during the nine months of pregnancy
will be enhanced and developed further after the birth of the child.
A careless and non-caring pregnant mother can affect the child in the womb, which may leave psychological and
emotional experiences of expectant mothers, particularly strong emotions such as anger or anxiety, which produce
chemicals in the body such as adrenaline, affect the child in the womb. Eventually, the infant grows up with a
predisposition to anxiety as well.
At the moment of birth when the child is laid beside the mother to be fed and cuddles, bonding occurs, and the
infant develops an attachment to the mother, and later on, with the father.
The Rozenberg Quarterly quotes a research finding by Bowlby (1982) that our succeeding relationships in the
future are all shaped to a large extent by our attachment to our parents. A mother who gazes at her child’s face and the
child responding with a smile are the foundations of our sense of physical and psychological well-being.

There are three attachment styles as defined by Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, and Wall (1978), these are:
 Secure Attachment- when the primary caregiver is most of the time present and available and when all the
emotional needs of an infant are met, providing a sense of security to the infant. Chances are, a child who is
exposed to this style of attachment will grow up to have more secure and stable relationships.
 Avoidant Attachment- when the primary caregiver is cold and detached, and even unresponsive to a child’s
needs. The child senses ejection and this often leads to premature detachment and self-reliance. A person who
experienced this style of attachment in infancy and childhood will oftentimes experience unstable relationships
in the future. The person given this style of attachment will usually avoid getting into meaningful relationships
when they reach adulthood, and may even claim to be the “rugged individual” who can go through life with little
established relationships where intimacy is present. The possibility of isolation is real for people who have this
type of attachment. This echoes the Intimacy vs. Isolation stage of Erik Erikson’s theory of human development.
 Anxious-ambivalent Attachment- when the primary caregiver is not consistent in terms of presence and in
meeting a child’s emotional needs. Often, a person who experienced this style of attachment in childhood may
develop separation anxieties with a loved one, or may have mixed feelings between hesitancy and commitment
when entering into meaningful relationships.

Research has shown that there is always hope for the adult who received these negative styles to change for the
better, particularly when experiencing genuine and transformative adult love relationships, which can reverse and
overcome the unpleasant experiences they had in childhood.
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What drives attraction?

When attraction between two persons is discussed, it is often

understood as based on physical appearance. While this might be true
to a certain extent, there is more to attraction than what we already
know.
In the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) website under
Science: Human Body and Mind, attraction is the first stage in a
continuum of stages that lead to intimacy and commitment. According
to the website which is referred to the biological model of love as proposed by
anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey, attraction is
primarily based on physiology or certain hormones that persons who get
attracted to others often pick up with their noses. Being attracted to
another person may also mean liking their genes that are perceived
through their physical looks.

According to Fisher, there are Three Stages of Falling in Love:

 Lust- driven by the sex hormones, testosterone, and estrogen. These hormones affect both sexes.
 Attraction- described as the love struck phase, which involves neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine,
norepinephrine, and serotonin. This is the stage when a person loses sleep and appetite over someone, and
swoons while daydreaming of this special person.
In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play an important role:
Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine.
Norepinephrine - Otherwise known as adrenaline. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing.
Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily
insane.
 Attachment- when the couple in love decides to continue with the relationship, they enter the attachment stage
where long-lasting commitments are exchanged, and may lead to raising a family. Special hormones are also
secreted during this stage. Oxytocin, which is released during childbirth to help in breastfeeding and during
orgasm, is believed to promote intimacy; and vasopressin, which promotes long-term relationships.

Fisher concluded that since loving has a genetic basis, this is a natural drive that is as powerful as hunger.

Pheromones, an odorless chemical found in urine and sweat, and can only be detected through an organ as the
nose, are also involved in the assessment of a future mate, this is an indication of a person’s immune system.
A couple with different immune system is guaranteed that their offspring can war off a wider range of infections.
Women are also attracted to men who smell similar to their father.
Other research findings indicate the preference of individuals to marry somebody who resembles one or both of
their parents. The infant who constantly looks at his or her mother’s face attaches intimacy to her facial features. It is
often mentioned that a man will seek someone who has the features of his mother while a woman will be attracted to
someone whose features resemble her father’s.

The Rozenberg Quarterly mentions several theories and research results related to attraction and liking. These are:

1. Transference Effect
There are times we meet people who we immediately like or dislike. Usually, these people remind us of
someone in the past who has affected our sense of self and our behavior (Anderson, Reznik, and Manzella
1996). Our past relationships can therefore affect our current interactions with people. We may prefer some and
avoid others because of a bad experience we had with someone we associated this new person with (Hinkley
and Andersen 1996).

2. Propinquity Effect
A research conducted by Festinger, Schachter, and Back in 1950 points to proximity as another possible factor
why we like a person. We often develop a sense of familiarity with people who live close to us, work with us, or
go to school with us, which leads us to liking them more. People we are familiar with make us feel safe and
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secure. Because we can predict their behavior, we find people who we are familiar with more likeable than
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others (Borstein, 1989; Moreland and Zajonc, 1982; Zajonc, 1968). While proximity promotes familiarity, and
hence liking, this can also be true if we do not like a person.
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3. Similarity
We often like people who we have similarities with. We are often attracted to like-minded persons and those
who have similar beliefs and values as ours, because the similarity is a validation of our innermost values and
belief system, and who we are as a person. Communicating with people we have similarities with also facilitates
communication because we can easily empathize and understand where they are coming from and what they
are trying to say, as these thoughts or feelings might reflect our own as well.
According to a study conducted by Aron, Kalick, and Hamilton (1988), similarity is a strong factor in friendship
and in the selection of a mate because it promotes intimacy, trust, empathy, and long-lasting relationships.

4. Reciprocity
We like people who like us back. According to research, reciprocity is a stronger basis for liking another person
than similarity. The more we are liked by someone we equally like, the more we behave in ways that promote
mutual feelings of liking. Research by Curtis and Miller (1986) found out that when we express our liking for
another, oftentimes, this would elicit a pleasant behavior and mutual liking from the other person.

5. Physical Attractiveness
Physical attractiveness connotes positive health and reproductive fitness, which are both essential to human
survival. The physical features that are usually found as attractive are average facial features, which are found to
be a component of beauty; higher cheekbones; thinner jaws; and larger eyes (Perett, May, and Yoshikawa 1994).
Average facial features do not mean common, but rather fall within the average of a population. Bilateral
symmetry is also found to be attractive (Thornkill and Gangestead 1993). Less attractive individuals may
compensate by offering other qualities like wealth and status to attract a potential mate but relationships built
on this exchange do not last long.

6. Personality Characteristics and Traits

People get attracted to two characteristics that lead to liking the other person, these are: empathic persons,
who exude warmth and sympathy and who are also optimistic and maintain positive views; and socially
competent persons, who are good communicators and enjoy good conversations. Other personality traits found
desirable in almost all cultures are having a happy and cheerful disposition, poised and can present themselves
well, outgoing, and sexually warm and responsive (Albright, Malloy, Dong, Kenny, Fang, Winquist, and Yu 1997;
Chen, Shaffer, and Wu 1997; Wheeler and Kim 1997).

There are many ways to express one’s attraction to another person. This may be conveyed through words of
appreciation and liking, or in acts such as winking, smiling, engaging in small talk, giving gifts, doing errands, writing or
sending messages, or simply admitting to the other person you are attracted to him or her.

Love and Intimacy

From the point of view of personal development, it is important to have an understanding of the various
concepts of love, and how these can influence the development of a person.
There has been a raging debate over the definition of love. Is love a feeling? Is love a thought? Is love physical?
The definition of love is a feeling of deep affection, passion, or strong liking for a person or thing. The American Heritage
Dictionary defines love as:

 A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship;
 A strong feeling of affection and concern for another person accompanied by sexual attraction;
 A feeling of devotion or adoration toward God or a god;
 A feeling of kindness or concern by God or a god toward humans; and
 Sexual desire or activity: the pleasures of love; a night of love.
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Different Components of love as theorized in Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

1. Intimacy

Researchers Reis, Clark, and Holmes (2004), and Reis and Shaver (1998) defined intimacy as “that lovely moment
when someone understands and validates us.”

In a more poetic manner, John Joseph Powell, author of the book, The Secret of Staying in Love, defined
intimacy with these words: “It is an Absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive
a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human
being.”

Being intimate with another person is about being open and vulnerable to that person whom we deeply trust,
who we feel connected with, and who values us with unconditional positive regard (Rogers), which is viewing
the other person with complete trust and devoid of suspicion or negative thought.

Communication is a key component in developing intimacy, where self-disclosure is practiced which leads to
profound and meaningful conversations that nurture and strengthen intimacy. Self – disclosure requires honesty
for it to work, and is a tool in enhancing the love relationship between two persons.

2. Commitment

Commitment is an act of deciding to consistently fulfill and live by agreements made with another person,
entity, or cause, and where the value of integrity and respect serve as a guide to one’s behavior and thinking.
Commitment in a love relationship is expressed continuously in caring and loving actions for the beloved.

3. Passion

Passion, as defined in generic terms, is the

intense state of being that drives and
consumes a person to pursue an interest, a
vision, or a person. In terms of romantic love,
passion connotes sexual attractions, as well as
intimacy. Sternberg proposed eight forms of
love based on the combinations created by
these three components: Intimacy,
commitment, and passion.

Attraction serves as the first step toward liking

someone, and among all the basis of
attraction that were discussed, reciprocity
(mutual liking) is what triggers as a couple to
move toward romance and intimacy, and
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eventually, to commitment.
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Commitment: Saying Yes and Meaning It

Commitment is saying yes you are into this relationship and will stick to it for as long as possible. There is
integrity in commitment because the word given should mean something to the person making the commitment.
Interdependency develops between two healthy individuals who commit to be together and yet not lose each other’s
individuality. This interdependence is symbolized by the two candles the couple lights up and holds on as together they
light up a third candle symbolizing the relationship that has grown between two individuals.

Psychologists have conducted research on commitment and have identified three variables related to it
(Rozenberq Quarterly):

1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship – considered as the most important determinant of
satisfaction in a relationship, rewards of the relationship include support from the partner; sexual
satisfactions, emotional, financial, and physical security; adventure, and novelty. A relationship should be
deemed as mutually rewarding by the couple for them to continue and reinforce their commitment to each
other.

2. Temptation of alternative partners – the presence of possible alternatives for another partners can rock the
relationship and destabilize the commitment of a couple. It was noted that the fewer options a party in a
relationship gets exposed to, the lesser the possibility of breaking the relationship.

3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship are also important in maintaining commitment. These
investments may include time spent together, common beliefs and experiences, mutual experiences with
mutual friends, and bearing children. It was also discovered that religious beliefs reinforce commitment.

As there are variables involved in strengthening and maintaining a commitment, there are also spoilers to it.
Research identified 3 behaviors married couples may do that can predict a divorce or separation:

1. Criticism – this happens when there is the absence of unconditional positive regard for each other in a
relationship. Constantly finding fault in the other partner will result in negative feelings and resentment.
Positive and constructive criticism is preferred and done in a light and playful manner.

2. Denial of the existence of conflict – when one party eludes the presence of a problem and refuses to
discuss it, as if belittling the problem, it will result in frustration on the side of the other party.

3. Contempt – like criticism, contempt is present when someone who looks down on the party as inferior does
not give unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the situation by expressing superiority over the other.
According to research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is the “ultimate expression of disillusionment and highly
predictive of divorce” or separation.

Responsibilities in a Relationship

1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the other person. Emotions should be considered when dealing
with other people.
2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not do. Integrity is a key factor in relationships.
3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial. Balanced relationships are always mutually beneficial to both
parties.
4. Respect the other party or parties involved. Mutual respect is also essential in a relationship.
5. Be ready to provide support when needed. Relationships also thrive on the support given by one partner to
another.
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