Romantic Love and Reciprocity

Author(s): Phillip R. Kunz

Source: The Family Coordinator, Vol. 18, No. 2 (Apr., 1969), pp. 111-116
Published by: National Council on Family Relations
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/582223 .
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 tioners on relationships between such fac-
tors as privacy, space availability and
housing adequacy and the mental health of
men and women and the process of family
interaction.
REFERENCES:
Bloom, 'Benjamin S., Allison Davis and Robert
Hess. Compensatory Education for Cultural De-
privation. New York: Holt Rinehart and Win-
ston, Inc. 1965.
Deutsch, Morton and Robert M. Krause. Theories
in Social Psychology. New York: Basic Books,
Inc. 1965.
Smith, William M. Jr. The Family Roles of Modern
Man. Illinois Teacher of Home Economics. X:1,
Fall, 1966-67.
von Mering, Otto 0. Forms of Fathering in Rela-
tion to Mother-Child Pairs. Family Service As-
sociation of America. 1959.

Romantic Love and Reciprocity

PHILLIP R. KUNZ, PH. D.*

This study was designed to obtain information relative to the relation of romantic
love and reciprocity. 1647 college students from four universities were asked to
supply endings to a short story, which was chosen to invoke these two concepts.
These endings were then coded into categories which permittedanalysis to determine
whether the students responded within the romantic tradition or not. This analysis
indicated that the married students took what appeared to be a somewhat more rea-
listic view of the demands of marriage. The male students were less inclined to utilize
romantic solutions than were the female respondents.It was concluded that romantic
perceptions, while important, are not the only alternatives a young person has, but
that the norm reciprocity also becomes significant in some situations and directs a
non-romanticresponse.

The literature is replete with references
to the assumptionthat romantic love is one
of the basic elements for marriage in the
American society. The stress on the roman-
tic involvements of people prior to mar-
riage is particularly evident in the mass
media. Kephart indicates that while we
have various theories of mate selection, our
knowledge concerning the romantic aspects
of this process has been undeveloped.'
Young people, we assume, dream of
being swept off their feet by some dashing,
romantic creature of the opposite sex.
When they ask, "How will I know when I
am in love?" the answer is usually some-
thing like, "Oh, you will just know. When
it comes, you won't have to ask." Through
the socialization process the young learn to
evaluate those of the opposite sex positively
* Assistant Professor of Sociology, Brigham
Young University.
'William M. Kephart, "Some Correlates of Ro-
mantic Love," Journal of Marriage and the Fam-
ily, August, 1967, p. 470.
April 1969 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR
only when they have certain characteristics.
Among the items considered as desirable in
the American society is some aspect of
physical attractiveness.2 "Good" dates or
marriage partners are those who, among
other things, are attractive physically.
Thus, comments such as "She's a real
queen," "Isn't he handsome?" or "Man, is
she stacked," are an intrinsic part of the
conversations associated with defining "the
right kind of partners."
While being defined as a "good date" in
physical terms may be important to an in-
dividual's dating prospects, it certainly is
not the only consideration to be taken into
account. Obviously all young people do not
fill the standards of the Hollywood ideal.
a R. D. Franklin and H. H. Remmers, "Youth's
Attitudes Toward Courtship and Marriage," Poll
No. 62, The Purdue Opinion Panel, Purdue Uni-
versity, April, 1961, p. 2; Robert 0. Blood, Jr.,
"Uniformities and Diversities in Campus Dating
Preferences," Marriage and Family Living, Vol.
18 (February, 1956), p. 40.
111
 Thus, one of the reasons which may be Now he was going to hear her real voice.
given for dating and for subsequent mar- Four minutes to six.
riage is altruism. One may feel that he A girl passed close to him and Lieutenant
should date or marry to help another be- Blandford started. She was wearing a flower,
cause of altruistic motives. Or a fellow may but it was not the little red rose they had
agreed upon. Besides, this girl was only
feel that he owes it to a girl to marry her ifabout 18, and Hollis Meynell had told him
she tells him that she is pregnant by him. she was 30. "What of it?" he had answered.
Many other reasons for marriage exist, but "I'm 32." He was 29.
need not be mentioned here. His mind went back to the book he had
This paper is designed to explore some read in the training camp. "Of Human Bond-
aspects of the romantic ideal associated age," it was; and throughout the book were
with the physical characteristics of one's notes in a woman's writing. He had never
partner and to relate this to the concept of believed that a woman could see into a
reciprocity. It is hoped that this will help man's heart so tenderly, so understandingly.
Her name was on the bookplate: Hollis Mey-
us focus attention on the neglected empiri-
nell. He had got hold of a New York City
cal research relative to romantic love. telephone book and found her address. He
A short story, designed to invoke both had written; she had answered. Next day he
the concept of romantic love and of reci- had been shipped out, but they had gone on
procity was read to sixteen hundred and writing.
forty-seven college students from four uni- For thirteen months she had faithfully re-
versities-two in the West and two in the plied. When his letters did not arrive, she
Midwest. At a crucial point in the story the wrote him anyway, and now he believed he
reading was interrupted and the students loved her and she loved him.
But she had refused all his pleas to send
were asked to complete the story as they him her photograph. She had explained: 'If
thought it should be ended. your feeling for me has any reality, what I
The story was then read to them as fol- look like won't matter. Suppose I'm beautiful.
lows: I'd always be haunted that you had been
taking a chance on just that, and that kind of
love would disgust me. Suppose I'm plain (and
Appointment with Love you must admit that this is more likely), then
S. I. KISHOR I'd always fear that you were only going on
writing because you were lonely and had no
Six minutes to six, said the clock over the one else. No, don't ask for my picture. When
informationbooth in New York'sGrandCen. you come to New York, you shall see me and
tral Station. The tall young Army lieutenant then you shall make your decision.
lifted his sunburnedface and narrowedhis One minute to six . . . he pulled hard on a
eyes to note the exact time. His heart was cigarette. Then Lieutenant Blandford's heart
pounding with a beat that shocked him. In leaped.
six minutes he would see the womanhe had A young woman was coming toward him.
never seen, yet whose writtenwords had sus- Her figure was long and slim; her blond hair
tained him unfailingly. lay back in curls from her delicate ears. Her
LieutenantBlandfordrememberedone day eyes were blue as flowers, her lips and chin
in particular,the worst of the fighting,when had a gentle firmness. In her pale green suit,
his plane had been caught in the midst of a she was like springtime come alive.
pack of enemy planes. He started toward her, forgetting to notice
In one of his letters, he had confessed to that she was wearing no rose, and as he
her that he often felt fear, and only a few moved, a small, provocative smile curved her
days before this battle, he had received her lips.
answer: "Of course you fear . . . all brave "Going my way, soldier?" she murmured.
men do. Next time you doubtyourself,I want He made one step closer to her. Then he
you to hear my voice reciting to you: 'Yea, saw Hollis Meynell.
though I walk through the valley of the She was standing almost directly behind
shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for the girl, a woman well past 40, her graying
Thou art with me'" . . . He had remembered, hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more
and it bad renewedhis strength. than plump; her thick-ankled feet were
112 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR April 1969
thrust into low-heeled shoes. But she wore a coded by both and agreementreached.
red rose on her rumpled coat. The girl in the The six categories are as follows:
green suit was walking away.
Blandford felt as though he were being 1. The Lieutenant marries the woman.
split in two, so keen was his desire to follow An ending typical of those coded in this
the girl, yet so deep his longing for the way was this one by a male student:
woman whose spirit had truly companioned He went to Hollis. Their eyes greetedeach
and upheld his own; and there she stood. He other warmly, and they both smiled. He
could see that her pale, plump face was gentle touched her hand gently and remembering
and sensible; her gray eyes had a warm her compassion, asked her to marry him.
twinkle. They had a meaningful marriage.
At this point the story was interrupted
2. The Lieutenant does not marry the
and the students were given five minutes to
woman, but remains a good friend.
write the ending for the story. Some of the
papers reflecting different endings were Blandford'sheart was torn with conflict,
then read to the students, following which but knowing deep inside him that he could
the original ending was read to them as fol- not turn himself away from a woman who
had been so dear to him for 13 months he
lows:
let the attractiveblue-eyedblond lose herself
Lieutenant Blandford did not hesitate. His in the crowds.He could not turn away from
fingers gripped the worn copy of "Of Human a strong love in his heart for this warm
Bondage" which was to identify him to her. wonderful person he knew so well-yet he
This would not be love, but it would be some- knew that they could only be good friends.
thing precious, a friendship for which he had
3. The Lieutenant abandoned the
been and must ever be grateful.
He squared his shoulders, saluted, and held woman.
the book out toward the woman, although Blandfordlooked again at the blond who
even while he spoke he felt the bitterness of was quicklygoing downthe corridor.He then
his disappointment. looked back at Hollis and took in the
"I'm Lieutenant John Blandford, and you motherlylook she had about her. He didn't
-you are Miss Meynell. I'm so glad you feel sorry for her. "Whatthe hell, I may not
could meet me. May-may I take you out to find the girl in green, but I sure won't take
dinner?" this old woman." He then turned and walked
The woman's face broadened in a tolerant away without speaking to her.
smile. "I don't know what this is all about,
son," she answered. "That young lady in the 4. The Lieutenant seeks the young girl
green suit, she begged me to wear this rose on in green.
my coat. And she said that if you asked me
to go out with you, I should tell you she's Lt. Blandford approached the lady with
waiting for you in that restaurant across the the rose and greeted her. He knew that he
street. She said it was some kind of a test."3 could never love her because she was old
enough to be his mother, so he said good-bye
The story endings were then coded by and went after the girl in green.
the author. The code included six catego- 5. The Lieutenant seeks some other at-
ries as indicated below. While there were a tractive girl.
few of the endings which were a little am-
biguous in terms of the present code, most As he stood torn between the two women
of the endings seemed to fit rather well intoand their vast dissimilarities, the young sol-
the provided categories. About one third of dier let thought after thought run across his
the endings were coded by a graduate as- troubled mind. He had been gone for thirteen
months with no female companionship such
sistant and the differences between this
as the young lady in the green suit. Besides
coding and that of the author differed in that, the dowdy little lady wearing the rose
only seven instances, and these were re- almost repulsed him. By this time the girl in
the green suit was gone so he said farewell
',Mimeographeddocument in writer's posses- to the old lady and went to look for some
sion; author unknown. younger, more attractive girl.
April 1969 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR 113
 6. The writer knew the story.
I know how the story comes out, but it was
still enjoyable to hear it again. The soldier
goes to the old lady, but she is not actually
the personwho had been waitingfor him. But
the right one was the beautiful one he had
hesitated about. I admire the soldier very
much because he was truly brave and admir-
able. I'm not sure if I would have had his
bravery.
Findings
Examination of the data indicates that
the 1,647 endings yielded 1,637 which
could be coded into the above categories.4
The endings in which the lieutenant
seeks a young lady other than the one with
whom he had been corresponding are
clearly the more "romantic" endings. The
descriptions in the story relative to the
older lady's physical condition are not
within the romantic tradition in recent
American society. Thus "a woman well
past 40," "graying hair tucked into a worn
hat," "more than plump," and "thick-an-
kled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes," are
not descriptions which fit the image of the
romantic ideal. (Emphasis mine). One
could perhaps argue that the manner of
meeting and the long period of correspon-
dence between them was romantic, but this
argument doesn't appear as valid as the
former physical considerations. Note by
way of contrast, the description of the girl
in the green suit. "Her figure was long and
slim," "her delicate ears," " like springtime
come alive," "provocative smile curved her
lips." (Emphasis mine.)
In this analysis if we combine the cases
from Table 1 in which the lieutenant either
seeks the girl in green or another "more
appropriate" young girl, it can be seen that
a total of 31.8 per cent of the respondents
clearly made the choice that would be
deemed the more romantic. Yet, 20.2 per
cent of the endings indicated marriage be-
4 Nineteen of these 1,637 endings indicated
that the Lieutenant got neither the older lady
nor the young girl in green. These nineteen
are reported in the total percentages falling into
each of the categories, but are excluded from
further analysis. Table 1 indicates the outcome
of the total sample.
114 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR
TABLE 1. FREQUENCY AND PERCENTAGE
OF ENDINGS BY TYPE OF ENDING GIVEN
BY THE RESPONDENTS
Type ending Frequency Percent
1.Lt. marries the woman 332 20.2
2.Lt. friend of woman 511 31.0
3.Lt. abandons the woman 182 11. 1
4.Lt. seeks girl in green 299 18.1
5.Lt. seeks other girl 226 13.7
6.Writer knew the ending 68 4.1
7.Lt. gets neither woman
nor green girl 19 1.2
NA 10 .6
Total N 1,647 100.0
tween the woman and the lieutenant, al-
though she was clearly older than he and in
addition did not conform to the story book
romantic conception of a mate for a young
man.
We will now examine this situation in
terms of a norm of reciprocity. Gouldner
states that the norm of reciprocity makes
two minimal demands: "(1) people should
help those who have helped them, and (2)
people should not injure those who have
helped them."5 Here is a case where the
woman did help the lieutenant. The con-
tents of the story indicate that her written
words "sustained him unfailingly." Her ad-
vice "had renewed his strength." When he
had not written she "wrote him anyway."
Here is a case where in one sense, the
woman had helped the lieutenant and he
would apparently owe her for that. Many
of the endings indicated this debt to her.
That 20.2 per cent would marry her be-
cause of this debt needs explaining, how-
ever. It may be understood in part by the
possibility of love being evident without
the physical attraction-a "deeper love" in
the words of some. This payment of debt,
of not hurting one that has helped can also
be accomplished, however, with the remain-
ing a friend of the woman. Thus thirty-one
per cent chose this alternative for their
ending.
The third type of ending, however, is
'Alvin W. Gouldner, "The Norm of Reciproc-
ity: A Preliminary Statement," American Socio-
logical Review, 25, (1960), p. 171.
April 1969
clearly contrary to the norm of reciprocity. TABLE 3. MARITAL STATUS OF RESPONDENT
Assuming that the lieutenant had been BY TYPE OF ENDING GIVEN TO
THE STORY. (PERCENT
helped by the woman, one would further DISTRIBUTION)
assume that he did owe her something.
Over eleven per cent of the respondents Sex Total
Type of ending S
abandoned the woman, however, without Married Single
N

any explanation to her. While none of these

endings explicitly stated it, the possibility The Lt. marries the
exists that they may have believed that the woman 19. 7%o 21.9% 332
The Lt. friend of the
woman lost what reward she had coming woman 46.7 30.6 511
for helping the lieutenant by giving such a The Lt. abandons the
discrepant age. Thus, the woman's rights woman 6.6 12.7 180
may have been forfeited and the duty of The Lt. seeks green girl 11.1 20.8 297
The Lt. seeks other girl 15.9 14.0 223
the young man negated by that action.
Analysis of the endings was also made in Total 1% 100.0 100.0
terms of the sex and marital differences of Total N 244 1299 1543
the respondents.As Table 2 indicates, when
the type of endings was examined in terms X2=31.9, 4 d.f., p<.001.
of the sex of the respondent,the females in
the sample clearly were more supportive of ferences between the male and female re-
the woman. It should be especially noted spondents. 46.7 per cent of the mar-
that in 35.7 per cent of the story endings in ried sample would remain a friend of the
the female sample, the man remained a woman while only 30.6 per cent of the sin-
friend of the woman while only 29.7 per gle students would do so. On the other
cent of the male sample did. On the other hand, only 6.6 per cent of the married
hand, 18.4 per cent of the males abandoned would abandon the woman, while 12.7 per
the woman, while only 6.2 per cent of the cent of the single students would do so. It
female sample did. The Chi-squarefor the is interesting to note the differences in the
differences between the male and female first ending in Tables 2 and 3. More of the
portion of the sample was 55.9. female students indicated marriage of the
Comparison of the marital status of the lieutenant and the woman than did the
respondents with the endings yielded a male students, but less of the married stu-
Chi-squareof 31.9. As indicated in Table 3, dents used this ending. It may be that the
the differences between the single and the married students are somewhat more realis-
married respondents are similar to the dif- tic about possible difficulties in marriage
resulting from age differences, but are will-
TABLE 2. SEX OF RESPONDENT BY TYPE ing to be friends of the woman. In the case
OF ENDING GIVEN TO THE STORY. of the single sample, they appear to be
(PERCENT DISTRIBUTION) more romantically inclined in their endings
and somewhat less obligated by any norms
Type of ending Sex Total of reciprocity. Thus, in Table 3 the single
Female Male
sample's response to seeking a more ro-
The Lt. marries woman 22.7% 19.9%O 332 mantic solution is 34.8 percent when one
The Lt. friend of the combines the 4th and 5th response, while
woman 35.7 29.7 511 that of the married is only 27.0 percent.
The Lt. abandons the
woman 6.2 18.4 182 Age did not appear to make a significant
The Lt. seeks green girl 19.9 18.5 299 difference when marital status was held
The IA. seeks other girl 15.5 13.5 226 constant.
It is apparent that there are differences
Total % 100.0 100.0
Total N 843 707
in response to situations which are de-
1550
signed to "call up" romantic solutions de-
X2=55.9, 4 d.f., p<.001. pendent upon sex differences of the respon-
April 1969 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR 115
dents and of the marital status. Why these
differences exist is not known, but the re-
sults of this study suggest that the norm of
reciprocity influences the romantic re-
sponses to some extent. It also seems appar-
ent that romantic solutions are only utilized
under certain situations. More study needs
to be done to ascertain when this influences
young people and when the romantic ideals
are set aside in favor of other type solu-
tions.
These data support the thesis that ro-
mantic perceptions are very strong among
college students in our study. These percep-
tions, however, are apparentlytempered by
one's marital status and sex. In addition,
however, it appears that the situation, espe-
cially as it invokes the norm of reciprocity,
may provide alternatives other than those
within the romantic tradition. For example,
the belief that one is "obligated" to some-
116 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR
one may induce him to marry without feel-
ing any romantic impulse to do so. On the
other hand, one's belief that some person is
"romantically not attractive" may induce
him to forgo a marriage that otherwise
may be satisfactory. This research also
points out that romantic love must be con-
ceptualizedwithin a larger frameworkto be
understood.
The assumption is often made that some
marriages fail because of unrealistic expec-
tations in marriage. These expectations are
supported by the romantic complex in the
mate selection process. More study of this
complex will perhaps help to make our un-
derstanding of marriage more meaningful.
Further analysis of this type should also
help to further our understanding of the
norm of reciprocity, and especially, its rela-
tionship to other variables.
April 1969