Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?

Tom Matlack argues that guys get unfair treatment when

they divorce. What do you think?
My friend Pedro taught me pretty much everything I know about being a dad. We both had big houses,
important jobs, and angry wives with whom our relationships came to a sudden end. We also had kids; I
had two, he had three. He had twins roughly the same age as my kids at the time, 1 and 3. He also had an
older adopted daughter, Janet, confined to a wheelchair and with very limited verbal skills.

In the beginning I had no idea how to take care of my babies during my weekends with them, so I watched
Pedro with his two toddlers and a special needs child. He did it with patience, joy, and perseverance. From
him, I learned to roll up my sleeves and get dirty and treasure the smallest moment of bonding, with my
own children and, eventually, others I met along the way.

In the end, Pedro’s ex-wife pursued a job out of state. She went to court to take Pedro’s twins away from
him and, having no desire to have anything to do with a special needs child, left him with Janet. Pedro, an
attorney, defended his own case—and lost. For the last decade he has seen his twins only on appointed
weekends and has been Janet’s primary caregiver.

Dan is a bonds salesman. He lives in Massachusetts, where alimony has no expiration, and has three kids.
After his divorce his ex-wife took up with another man, who moved into Dan’s old house with his kids. His
ex didn’t marry her boyfriend—she wanted to continue the generous financial arrangement set forth in the
terms of the divorce.

Dan got remarried and decided his only means of financial survival would be to quit his job. Eventually
Dan hired an attorney who brokered a new agreement that put a time limit on the alimony terms. His ex-
wife eventually married her boyfriend—but Dan, who’d been out of work for a year, had no choice but to
get a job out of town, away from his kids.

Do dads get screwed in divorce? The stories of these two men, both close friends of mine, reinforced my
own personal experience and led me to believe that the answer is, frankly, yes. But we wanted to hear what
you think. Here’s what some readers have written in; please add your story in the comment section.

♦◊♦

Men absolutely, and often, get the short end of the stick financially in divorce. There is a big myth out there
that men make out like bandits in divorce, and women get left in poverty. This is completely untrue.
Ironically, it is this myth that causes women to resist fathers having more parenting time, as the less time
the child is with Dad, the more money Mom gets. So fathers get the shaft twice: their time with their
children is limited, and they get to pay for being pushed out of their children’s lives.

—Anne P. Mitchell, fathers’ rights attorney, founder, DadsRights.org,

♦◊♦

When I was presenting a workshop at a national judges’ conference I asked those judges whether there was
bias in family courts during divorce. Their answer: Yes, but usually it’s against women, not men. Their
reasoning makes perfect sense. Society expects mothers, not fathers, to be the natural nurturers. So, if Mom
falls just a bit short of the ideal parent, we unconsciously penalize her. In contrast, if Dad changes a couple
of poopy diapers, we unconsciously give him extra credit. So if that’s true, then why do mothers more often
have custody? The judges explained that it’s not the court’s bias against fathers. It’s men’s bias against
fatherhood and dads who run away from their responsibility. Those are the ones who are skewing the
numbers. It’s the men who fight paternity or who are abusive who are making responsible fathers and
husbands look bad. The fact of the matter is, when men actually want and ask for custody, they are much
more successful than some would have us believe.

—Scott Hampton, director, Ending the Violence

♦◊♦

Too often judges and even lawyers have resigned themselves to stereotypes and a perpetuation of the status
quo. The result is that the judicial system is prone to assume without proof that the mom should get the
kids, that men accused of abuse are guilty of abuse, and, conversely, that men alleging abuse are lying or
overreacting.

—Joseph Cordell, attorney, founder, Cordell & Cordell

♦◊♦

I married a guy with less education and in the end I had to pay him both child and spousal support. I know
it’s a double standard, but a guy working the system to take support from a woman still feels wrong to me,
especially because many items are not taken into account. For example, I have a large amount of student
loans but as those were in my name only, none of that was part of the settlement and the payments were not
discounted from my salary. In this case I got penalized for bettering myself and he got paid for having a
lower earning potential.

—Shelly Walker, marketing director, mother

 ♦◊♦

Unfortunately, I do believe that dads get screwed during divorce. After describing my divorce to people,
they are always shocked at how my ex and I did it so evenly. In the past, men left the marriage first, leaving
the wife “helpless” with society feeling bad for her. His payment for the hurt was the house, the kids, and a
significant part of his paycheck. Despite today’s new independent woman, men are still expected to pay.

—Monica Cost, mother of two boys

♦◊♦

While the court system claims gender neutrality, the reality is much different. Not only do men have to face
the financial ramifications that come with divorce but also have to fight against social prejudice in regard to
their children. Fatherhood is the single most important relationship a man can have, and this idea that
women are automatically considered better caretakers needs to be examined. Who’s to decide that a woman
is a better parent than a man, or that the role a father plays in his child’s life is somehow secondary to that
of a mother?

—David Pissara, attorney, author

♦◊♦

I would say that women get screwed far worse than men in a divorce. The only way men get screwed is if
they are the ones who are raising the kids—which is rare.

—divorced mother of two

♦◊♦

Like many other divorced fathers, my voice has been silenced and discouraged by the actions of the courts
and my former spouse. We lived in two different cities during the separation when I was trying to get my
sons. The process was challenging and expensive. It took more than two years and thousands of dollars to
get a standard visitation process, but any small victories along the way gave me hope.

One of the most discouraging aspects is the court system’s focus on the money, not the time, especially if
you have a high-profile profession such as a medical doctor. For example, my financial support when first
divorced was based on a military officer’s pay, but when I went into residency for specialty medical
training after the military, my income dropped over 50 percent. I petitioned the court to lower it until I
graduated, but instead, they said I owed more for back pay for my son’s school—the money I was sending
“didn’t count.” I was shocked but kept going. When I became a specialized surgeon, the court swiftly
raised my support. This has been a 12-year battle, and I’ve seen my kids once in the past three years. My
hope is that once they are adults, we can develop a relationship.

—Dr. Michael Joyner, hand surgeon, founder, Forever My Daddy

♦◊♦

My husband was tracked down to pay child support when he didn’t have custody. However, when he got
custody of his children and the child support order was switched to his ex-wife it wasn’t as stringent. She
went one year without paying. Every time he called the court they couldn’t understand how he could
possibly have custody, let alone get support from her. They wouldn’t help him. The courts are not designed
to favor fathers.

—Brenda Velasco, Biola University

♦◊♦

My ex-wife told the courts I beat her and the kids, and the judge threw me out and gave custody to her. The
child psychologist determined it was a total lie, but the judge still gave my ex full custody. One by one,
when reaching the age to choose, the kids came to live with me. When they arrived they were failing every
class in school and two had arrest records. One by one I helped them turn their lives around. One is in the
Army and served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. One is married and in college, and the two youngest are in
college. For almost a year I have been trying to collect child support for the youngest. I have no attorney, I
lost my house, and I am essentially homeless. I did right by my kids and it cost me everything. There is no
justice in America and there is no such thing as fathers’ rights.

—Phil Petree, 53, father of four

♦◊♦

Fathers are screwed if and when they fall into the drama games on the part of mothers, which are really
tactics used to frustrate fathers. Fathers are screwed if they fail to understand that if they do not do the work
and educate and empower themselves they will remain victims to the system and their children’s mothers. I
have far too many success stories—including mine (I won custody of my then-7-year-old daughter nine
years ago)—to believe that men have to be victims to the system.

—Eric Legette, founder, Fathers With Voices

♦◊♦

It’s been well documented, and reflected in the courts, that children are best served when they have equal
and open access to both parents. Add to that a Harris poll reports that “breaking ranks with their fathers, 71
percent of men between the ages of 21 and 39 would give up some of their pay to spend more time with
their family.” Given those societal changes, if a father shows he’s been a caring, present, accountable, and
responsible parent, especially since the separation, there is an excellent chance that he will be granted joint
custody.

In most cases, the court will sign off on whatever agreement the divorcing couple brings to them. However,
if the parents are “at war” with each other the situation shifts; the court becomes the “adult” and makes a
decision for the family and might side more with the mother. The true key to achieving to a fair and just
custody agreement, one that keeps the father in the kids’ life, is if mom and dad can collaborate with each
other and put their anger and hurt aside for the benefit of the children.

—Paul Mandelstein, founder, AlwaysDad

♦◊♦

During the process, I certainly felt that the supposedly “unbiased” system treated me in a blatantly biased
way. At times, the judge went out of his way to suggest to my ex what she should ask for as well as on how
she should respond to certain questions. Although she’d moved out of the house two months before custody
had been decided, and that my parents and I had raised our first child while she finished her last year and a
half of school, the judge insisted that she was “closer” to both children. It clearly was his biased opinion
rather than based on anything objective.

—Jeff, community college professor, father of two

♦◊♦

The reason men feel that they are not fairly treated is often borne out by statistics. For example, 85 percent
of non-custodial or non-primary residential parents are men who typically see their children only two out of
14 days. In addition, 40 percent of America’s children will spend at least part of their childhood without
their fathers living together with them. This translates to over 21 million children.

There is definitely cultural paranoia about each side having an advantage. Women think men have the
advantage because, for example, it is hard to support the average family on a small percentage of the non-
custodial parent’s income. If Dad earns $2,500 net and there is one child, in many jurisdictions Mom would
only get $500 for support. Understandably that feels unfair to her, as clearly she might need more to
support a child.

—Judge Michele Lowrance, child of divorce, divorced mother, author

♦◊♦

In 1985, in Florida, in the middle of a protracted divorce and custody battle over my two children, I was
accused of molesting my then 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who is now 29. I was arrested, spent two
weeks in jail for a crime I did not commit, and went on to spend $150,000 over 10 years of litigation in six
different courts in an attempt to reclaim my paternal rights. The ordeal induced me to author three books
on how to protect men from false accusations of child sexual abuse, become an activist for parents’ rights,
run for office in Florida, speak and give media interviews on this subject matter nationally, go on to obtain
my master’s degree in Psychology and the Law, and become a noted expert in this field.

—Dean Tong, forensic trial consultant/expert,

♦◊♦

While my (then) wife and I never made it to the courtroom, I believe that the court system had a material
impact on our divorce process. We attempted to work amicably with a single mediator in order to control
costs, and as a soon-to-be single father, I lived in fear that my time with my children would be jeopardized;
I also feared a crippling financial obligation. It soon became clear from the attorneys that my fears were
founded. Whether it was my wife’s attorney’s attitude toward divorcing men or my attorney’s siege
mentality, the message was reinforced that I was the underdog and was not expected to survive this next
chapter of my life. The unexpected benefit of all this was that it, and the well-being of my children (then 6
and 1), drove me to do all I could to reach a fair settlement with my now ex-wife OUTSIDE the courtroom.
Having accomplished that, I’m proud to say that six years later, my children are happy and well adjusted
and enjoy the fact that their parents and new stepparents are friends and partners in raising them today.

—Michael, finance professional

♦◊♦

My ex had all the access in the world to his daughter, but he chose to completely avoid her once the new
wife came on board. I’ve tried every way I can to get him to reconnect with his beautiful, loving, smart, and
extremely capable child, but no luck. He didn’t even call her for her 21st birthday. It’s such an odd and
devastating thing. I often wonder how this emotional abandonment will affect her long-term relationships. I
know there are quite a few women out there who have experienced the same heartbreak for their children.

—Marianne O’Hare, publicist/producer

♦◊♦

Most men, unfortunately, do get screwed from women who are bitter and choose to use their kids as tools
to hold against the fathers. As a woman who has been a single mom for over 19 years, I could be the first
one to be bitter, and yet I am friends with both dads today. I truly, in my heart, do not understand women
who have such hatred towards men whom they fell in love with once upon a time. Let’s be honest—it takes
two to make it work and two to break it, so why be so angry at the other person? Both sides fail, but the
children should never be victims.

I hope there are new laws that protect the fathers who want to be a part of their children’s lives and are not
only seen as money machines for some of these women who are just too damn lazy and spoiled to go make
their own money. For any woman who abuses her status as a mom and hurts her own children to punish her
ex, I feel sorry for her because her own kids will turn against her when they get older.

—Helen Georgaklis, single mom

♦◊♦

Most states have gender-neutral laws; however, everyone knows that in practice fathers are not treated the
same as mothers. From my experience in the courtroom, judges definitely prefer mothers. Dads get custody
usually only when the mother has done something that makes her distasteful in the judge’s eyes or if the
dad was a stay-at-home dad who was the primary caregiver. Courts are supposed to make custody decisions
based upon what is in the child’s best interests, and of course that is a standard that doesn’t set up a 50/50
custody split.

—Brette Sember, former divorce attorney, author

♦◊♦

My sincere advice is to do whatever you can to get full joint legal and custodial rights, even if it means
your children having to split their time equally between parents. Many psychologists advise against this and
say the child should have a primary residence, but it is a slippery slope and in the end causes much more
damage to the children if you are left out of their lives.

—Ted Rubin, social marketing strategist and engagement adviser

♦◊♦

My divorce process began when I became aware of my ex-wife’s alcohol addiction. I could not jeopardize
the health and safety of my two children, and when interventions and rehab centers could not help her out,
it was time to end the marriage. During the divorce proceedings in 2003, my ex-wife’s addiction was
mentioned and the judge told me, “Mr. McLeod, as of 3:00 today, you are the sole guardian of your
children.” I was filled with mixed emotions; I knew my kids would be safe in my care, but I had no idea
how to do this alone.

My divorce was finalized in 2005 and, tragically, in 2007, my ex-wife passed away unexpectedly. I
discovered very few outlets that catered to single parents, let alone single fathers, and it inspired me to
create a website designed specifically for single parents, as well as write a book describing my experiences
and offering some tips to becoming a successful single parent.

—Bill McLeod, founder, SingleParentsTown, author

♦◊♦

I went through my divorce 13 years ago when I was 26. My ex was 27 and decided that he no longer
wanted to be married and walked out on me and my son, who was only 10 months old at the time. He did
not help financially with anything—not even food or diapers. Even though my ex left me for a 16-year-old,
I did not screw him financially like most women would; all I got was child support and that is all he has
paid all these years. For me it is principle. I believe that we should all try to do the right thing and give
each other a chance to start over and do what is fair, no matter the circumstances.

—Michelle Morton, entrepreneur

♦◊♦

Other responses to this story:

On the Dark Side

Perfectly Imperfect

—photo by jamesfischer/Flickr

♦◊♦

Other stories in this special package:

Meet the Men’s Rights Movement

Hugo Schwyzer: How Men’s Rights Activists Get

Feminism Wrong

Paul Elam: On Misandry: What’s Wrong With Men?

Tom Matlack: Adultery’s Double Standard

Amanda Marcotte: The Solution to MRA Problems?

More Feminism
 Zeta Male: The Top 10 Issues of Men’s Rights

Kaelin Alexander: Men’s Studies: Teaching

Masculinities in the Margins

Pelle Billing: Unlocking the Men’s Rights Movement

David Futrelle: Dismantling the Men’s Rights

Movement

Dan Moore of Menz: The MRA Perspective

Ron Mattocks: When Men Are the Victims of Abuse

Blixa Scott: Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?

Joseph Caputo: Can We Degenderize Domestic

Violence?

Buy the book here!

About Tom Matlack

Tom Matlack is just foolish enough to believe he is a decent man. He has a 16-year-old daughter and 14-
and 5-year-old sons. His wife, Elena, is the love of his life.
Comments

1. Ava says:

March 11, 2011 at 9:23 am

No dad’s don’t get screwed – they’re not raising the children in most of the cases, and the woman
ends up with the kids, the emotional toll and a lot more responsibility. By your own admission you
didn’t know what to do on your first weekend alone with your kids – doesn’t that kind of say it
all? The courts are stacked against women – parenting is measured in the amount of nights spent
in the other person’s home but doesn’t take into consideration that the mother is there in the
afternoons, most mornings, all summer, and for pretty much everything else.

What do men do? They remarry, replace and go on.

Reply

o Amber says:

March 11, 2011 at 9:41 am

But the other stories mentioned do prove that men get screwed in courts. A family friend
of ours, Tim, tried to gain custody of his daughter’s child because there were sign’s of
neglect. His daughter accused him of molesting her, and lo and behold, he was jailed and
has been jailed for several years. I don’t know where the heck they could have gotten the
evidence that he molested his own daughter, but even today I have a tough time believing
he ever did or could have. She claimed he molested her when she was in elementary
school. How do you gather evidence for something like that???

Reply

 Evil Penis says:

March 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

The Establishment do not need any evidence to convict you of a sexual crime.

Please read some of the horror stories at antimisandry or false rape society and
you will learn this very quickly. Your friend is just another statistic in the war on
men.
 Reply

o Danny says:

March 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Truth is it can happen either way. I don’t see anywhere here where Tom is claiming that
women are not screwed. On the other hand you are reading actual evidence that men do
get screwed and just shrugging and saying it doesn’t happen.

…parenting is measured in the amount of nights spent in the other person’s home but
doesn’t take into consideration that the mother is there in the afternoons, most mornings,
all summer, and for pretty much everything else.
Nor does it take into account the time away from home that fathers put into working
outside the home in order to provide for their children.

Reply

o Jim says:

March 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm

“No dad’s don’t get screwed – they’re not raising the children in most of the cases, and
the woman ends up with the kids,”

Simple answer – start working for joint custody and equal parenting as the default ruling
and that inequality will go away.

Reply

2. Female Feedback says:

March 11, 2011 at 9:38 am

A disturbing trend in all these posts – in many of them, its about the men and women and not
about the children. Some people claim their children are doing better with them than the other
parent, and that the children are choosing them, but I don’t see any of these posters showing any
understanding of the children’s authentic experience, as in “My son was sad and angry for a long
time about the divorce.” or “My daughter is scared and hyper-conscious about school and I worry
she faced trauma from the divorce.”
Tom starts this off by acknowledging he did not know how to parent. This is the most adult of
these posts, although I wish he would acknowledge that because he and his ex-wife set their
family up in the male breadwinner/female unpaid primary caregiver model, this is why the divorce
often ends up with the man owing $ and the mother getting custody.

In attempting to prevent this problem, I found Marc & Amy Vachon’s book “Equally Shared
Parenting” helpful. It’s about setting up the marriage to begin with in a way that prevents these
outcomes. BUT it does not work if boys are not raised to have nurturing skills – including
emotional availability – in addition to earning focus (this is harder to learn later in life than if it’s
part of your upbringing) OR if women’s careers are not considered as important as men’s.

In sum, I’d like to start talking about solutions and get out of finger-pointing. One of the primary
purposes of feminism was to get conflict between the sexes on the table (rather than being
subconscious as it often was). We’ve had 40 years of getting in on the table. Now let’s get the
peace negotiated.

Reply

o Annmarie Chereso says:

March 11, 2011 at 9:58 am

Completely agree. Find my post at

http://perfectlyimperfectlifecoaching.com/blog/text/13144395 for additional thoughts.

Reply

o Jim says:

March 11, 2011 at 5:09 pm

“A disturbing trend in all these posts – in many of them, its about the men and women
and not about the children. ”

That really stands out doesn’t it? And I think it goes back to what Tom says is the
American mythology of marriage, that’s it’s supposed to be a love affair, in other words,
about the adults. I thnk for most people in the actual daily lives this is new, maybe only
since WWII, although it was the dominant meme in literature a lot earlier.

I certainly don’t think the “purpose of mariage is reproduction” or all that, but by the
same token, it’s not all moon in June either. And once kids enter the scene, priorities
should reflect that.

Reply
 o AntZ says:

March 11, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Children are commodities to a feminist. If in inconvenient, abort. If illegal, drop anchor.

If married, convert husband into personal ATM machine. If not married, convert taxpayer
into personal ATM machine. If too masculine, dope with Ritalin.

The MRM fights for father’s rights because it is the RIGHT thing, not the convenient
thing.

Reply

3. Matt Hastie says:

March 11, 2011 at 9:43 am

Tom, I absolutely agree that the family court system is biased against dads, which isn’t to say that
there aren’t fathers who do receive fair treatment. This is the one issue where I have found myself
continually siding with the MRA movement as I have been learning more about it this week. By
the way, thanks for that.

I wanted to take a quick minute to point you to some information about the language we use when
speaking about people with disabilities, particularly the phrase, “confined to a wheelchair.” There
is a growing push within the disability rights movement in the US to ask members of the media to
try to always use be conscious that the language they use when talking about people with
disabilities is not overly sensational. A good place to start to learn more about the issue is
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/People-first_language While not all people with disabilities agree
about the best language to use, I am told time and time again by people with disabilities that the
phrase “confined to a wheelchair” is particularly offensive because it paints a picture of the person
using a wheelchair as somehow less than those who don’t, and because it is factually inaccurate.
The people I know who use wheelchairs tell me they would be confined if they didn’t have their
chairs. Their chairs are the very things that help them remain independent, valuable, contributing
members of their community. They tell me the wheelchair does NOT confine them. Rather, the
chair sets them free.

All that being said, we should always take our cues from the people with the disabilities,
themselves. If Janet or Pedro would use the phrase “confined to a wheelchair,” then that is
absolutely the phrase you should use. If not, you may want to replace the phrase with, “He also
had an older adopted daughter, Janet, who uses a wheelchair and has very limited verbal skills.” I
know this comment is a bit off-topic, and I hope you’ll forgive that. But, disability advocacy is
what I do on a daily basis, and I would be remiss to let it pass without comment.

Again, thanks for the article and all the MRA coverage this week. It has helped me continue to
think more deeply about what it means to be a good man, and how each of us can and should work
 harder to achieve that ever elusive ideal.

Reply

o Anonymous says:

March 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I prefer “wheeled American” myself.

Reply

o Jalestra says:

March 11, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I don’t care what you call me, as long as when I go to the DMV or my doctor they have
to make sure to have something there so I can understand them. I wish less time was
spent on the “nice” way to say I’m deaf and more time was spent making sure that my
doc understands that I’m bleeding out.

Reply

4. John Wilder says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:02 am

Not only yes, but hell yes. Family courts are known as “The House of Pain” by lawyers who
practice there. The modus operandi is that women are good and that men are bad. There is another
syndrome that you need to be aware of and that is called “Parental Alienation Syndrome”. This is
where the woman who is always granted custody brainwashes her children into hating dad and not
wanting to see him for visitation. The courts do nothing to women who refuse visitation while they
can imprison a guy who does not pay child support. I could go on and on. The courts are the
absolute most sexist thing in our society.

John Wilder

Reply
 o AntZ says:

March 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Hear hear! I love it, men are waking up and saying “ENOUGH”.

When you say enough to a generation of abuse, say it loud!

Reply

o Wiffle says:

March 11, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Any man who has been through the family court knows its a rigged game.
Women are allowed to commit perjury without any fear of consequence..
Men are assumed to be incompetent and evil, until proven otherwise.

Reply

5. Jacqueline says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:02 am

Some men do get screwed. And I think the legal system does not treat men or women equally
when getting divorced. Some men really want to be there for their kids. Some men and women
really want to just screw each other, and are so focused on hurting their former partner they don’t
think about the consequences for themselves, their partner, or their kids. Then, some people just
do it to be awful.

My parents divorced when I was in college. It was August and I about to go back to school to start
my junior year. My Dad asked if I would go for a walk with him. I said sure, we were close, we
often went on walks to together. He took me to Baxter Blvd. on the Back Bay (I live in Portland
Maine). It was a gorgeous summer day, lots of people walking, dogs, babies, etc. He choose to tell
me then and there that he was moving out. I had no idea this was coming, was completely
blindsided. I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably as the reality of the consequences of him
leaving sunk in. He got mad at me. He got mad at me because I was upset. He was happy,
exuberant even.

The divorce was ugly. My father had inherited several million dollars from his parents, and he
wanted all the money. He also wanted all the retirement savings both my parents had saved. He
 wanted the house. He wanted everything, but us kids. The only thing he wanted to give my mom
was his children (I have two younger brothers who were 14 at the time). He effectively stopped
being a father.

He has re-married and has to pay life-time alimony. I don’t feel bad for him. I missed him, I still
miss the father he was. But I also don’t miss his emotional instability or the verbal and emotion
abuse he subjected us all to. Something I didn’t realize until he moved out and a giant weight was
lifted.

Something about the way divorces are adjudicated needs to change, because there is too much
injustice. And I think a lot of it has to do with perceptions about mothers and fathers which often
are no longer true.

Reply

6. AntZ says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

America’s family courts assign primary custody to the mother 95% of the time. I think that speaks
for itself.

To be honest, this issue is so painful for most MRM. We have trouble talking about it. If this
comes to a flame war, the feminists will likely win it, simply because the pain of loosing their
children because a wife decides she needs to “eat, pray, and love” is too close to most men’s
hearts to speak of it.

The entire MRM movement is based on protecting our children from the feminist anti-boy war.

Reply

7. Carla Smith says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:48 am

My husband and I were the stereotypical “last ones anyone would expect” to divorce. In hindsight
I think we responded in either shocking clarity or gut instinct but from the moment we told the
kids, who were 10, 12 and 13 it was always with their welfare first that we made decisions. We
had a distrust of lawyers who were profiting from our pain and as much as it was wrenchingly
difficult, we tried to negotiate with each other, our own agreements. It took maturity that we didn’t
have at the time. I lost my Dad when I was 15 and I knew how much daughters need their Dad. It
took recognition that children need two healthy stable parents equally. It took recognition that
none of our values had intrinsically changed, nor what we wanted for the kids. As does a marriage,
it took give and take in big ways on both sides. I still hate the ‘divorce’ label. Eleven years later it
still feels like a big ‘fail’ despite consciously knowing differently. It is still uncomfortable being
any kind of divorce advocate, or arguing from a “someone got screwed” vantage point because
that attitude inevitably colors your life. Once our agreement was written up we agreed that we
ultimately trusted each other to do the best for the kids, that we would never ever speak unkindly
about each other or their new relationships. As a stay at home parent my earning potential had
changed and coming to an agreement about what those years at home were worth, and what we
wanted for the kids in the future was very very difficult. We would reinforce to the kids how good
the other parent was. They were, after all, the one you CHOSE to be the parent of your child. I
can’t count the number of times it would have been easy to voice negativity. I am sure my ex-
husband would say the same thing. We chose to live within a few blocks of each other and of the
kid’s school. We discussed extracurricular expenses regularly. We swallowed the ‘little under
50.00” things and believe me with three girls, there can be a lot of those. But while we were
married he organized skiing, running, kayaking, hiking. His relationship with them was built on
activity and I knew the expenses built in there. These are things we just assumed. Trust and
expectation were critical. And the ability it keep your pain private. Why pile on. In the end we are
still friends.

It’s a funny thing. I had read an article, written, by all people, by Bruce Willis about how they had
managed their divorce. How they lived close. How they both attended all festivities and led by
example. How they wanted their kids to know that they had ‘more’ love than before, not less. How
they showed their kids it was ‘okay’.

The girls are at university now, thriving. I don’t know how much our divorce changed them but
they are bright, resilient and thoughtful girls with great relationships with both of us. Though the
‘divorce’ label still has the power to smack me upside the head the way we our tiptoed our way
through that particular minefield of is one of the things I am most proud of. Our friends hold us up
as examples of how it “should be done”. So do men get screwed? Maybe, sometimes. Everyone
gets screwed. Sometimes literally. But hopefully two people who are mature enough to let it not
be the kids.

Reply

o AntZ says:

March 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

What answer do you expect from your “eat, pray, love” diatribe? Is this the narrative that
you have conjured to justify your actions?

Reply

 Henry says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Antz, screw you. This woman is a great example of someone who dealt with her
 divorce maturely and even handedly. There is nothing about this story that even
remotely resembles the novel “Eat, Pray, Love” which by the way is a work of
FICTION and one I doubt you’ve even read.

Reply

o thehermit says:

March 12, 2011 at 4:36 am

.” So do men get screwed? Maybe, sometimes. Everyone gets screwed. Sometimes

literally. But hopefully two people who are mature enough to let it not be the kids.”

You don’t get the matter, do you.

Since the family courts are biased against man, nothing prevents the women from
screwing their ex over, IF THEY WANT TO.
You’re a woman, it is biased in your favor, so you’re ignorant.

This is what a feminist looks like.

Reply

8. Eoghan says:

March 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

The main problems are caused by high conflict and abusive personalities using the system as a
proxy weapon, if the female is not seeking to use the system to facilitate, abuse by proxy, child
kidnapping or extortion then the courts won’t do it for her. If she is seeking reasonable contact for
the father, the courts will do that. One UK study found that 60% of the family courts time was
being taken up by high conflict personalities using the system as a means to continue a campaign
against their ex.

Reply

9. Evil Penis says:

March 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Do Dad’s get a raw deal?

 Is this article a joke? Well very funny haha

Reply

o Jim says:

March 11, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You’re too clueless to be worth talking to.

Dismissed.

Reply

10. Morrisfactor says:

March 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

National statistics tell an interesting story. Divorcing women get the children 84% of the time
(93% of the time in Canada). Women initiate divorce in 70% of cases. A recent, large study says
that 61% of those women knew they would get the children and knowing that outcome was the
deciding factor in their decision to initiate divorce. 80 to 90% of all TRO are placed by women
(often with the suggestion by their attorneys) to get the husband out of the house so they can
initiate divorce from a position of strength. Divorced men routinely have to pay child support for
non-biological children (this happened to my brother, in fact.)

The term “joint custody”, which many men believe will give them equal access to their children,
has been completely bastardized by the legal system. It bestows no “joint” power at all – all power
resides with the parent who has “custody” of the children. Only the newer term “shared parenting”
has any real merit for men – and most feminist groups are strongly against that (N.O.W. is actively
against shared parenting, for instance.)

The custodial parent (84% of which are female) will receive the child support, can move out-of-
state or out-of-city pretty much at will, can “gate-keep” the children to torture the other parent, or
even perform outright parental alienation on the kids, may not spend any of the child support on
the children – and Family Courts will seldom do a thing about it.

These stats alone should make it obvious that Family Courts discriminate against men.

I live in Washington State. As the first state in the union to give women the vote, it has led the
feminist charge for the past hundred years. Electing Democrat governors (both male and female)
for the past several decades have led to an extreme feminist shift in the appointment of judges and
introduction of laws affecting divorce, child support and spousal maintenance.

Incoming judges in this state are strongly encouraged to attend the infamous Gender Equity Task
 Force meetings – held over several days at a luxury hunting lodge in eastern Washington – where
they listen to feminist lectures and videos between sumptuous meals and vacation activities. The
videos and talks are purely anti-male and anti-father in all regards – presenting highly cooked
statistics and testimonials.

The newly indoctrinated judges then return to rule in Family Court cases.

The Gender Equity Task Force is a private feminist agency that masquerades as a quasi
government agency to protect and grow women’s interests. It now operates in over thirty states,
quietly affecting how judges view men/fathers and thereby affecting the outcomes of hundreds of
thousands of court decisions. If your state does not have one, it soon will.

I think we can safely answer Yes to Matlack’s question.

Reply

o AntZ says:

March 11, 2011 at 4:29 pm

100% correct. Just the facts. And the facts are a terrifying indictment of a system that is
irreparably tainted by the feminist ideology of hatred and by the presumption of female
privilege and male disposability.

Reply

o Henry says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:37 pm

The only stat you provided is how many women get custody… uncited. The rest is your
two cents.

Reply

11. Dubcik says:

March 11, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Ava says above ” No dad’s don’t get screwed – they’re not raising the children in most of the
cases, and the woman ends up with the kids, the emotional toll and a lot more responsibility. ”
 Ava, if having custody of your kids is such as emotional toll, why don’t you hand them over to
dad, who I am sure would be more than happy to raise them? While you’re at it, you can send him
approximately 35% of your net income every month and you won’t be getting any more tax free
income from him (child support) or money from the gov’t for the pain and suffering you’ve had to
endure “raising your children”. Oh, and you won’t get to claim them on your taxes anymore, so
your household income, minus all that, will probably be about 1/2 what it is now. But don’t forget,
your kids are still going to need you to have a home for them. Make sure you’ve got the extra
room and furniture, clothes, sheets and feed them too. And if dad lives far away, you’ll be the one
to pay for access to see them, make sure your car is big enough to transport all of you!

It’ll be great being the non-custodial mom. Kids were so expensive, I am sure your lifestyle will
be much more lavish on 1/2 the money you used to have, cause we all know how much kids cost
and what a pain they are to raise!

Reply

12. mjay says:

March 11, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Articles posing this kind of bigotry as a question to debate, along the lines of “Do slaves have a
raw deal? Let’s hear both sides!”, make us avoid marriage all the more.

Some of the bigotry dripping from respondents to the article make it clear that avoiding marriage
and the whorehouse that is family court is definitely the right decision.

Is the “Good Men Project” really interested in objective discussion? Or is it a vehicle for the
absurd bigotry that feminism embraces when addressing family law issues?

That’s not at all clear.

Reply

13. Offdachainandouttadabox says:

March 12, 2011 at 8:13 am

This is a bunch of mess! You might be the same person that wrote in the history books that
Columbus discovered America.

I am a man and do not agree with one word you have written. Men do not get screwed in divorce.
They screw and most of the time walk out on their families and just start over.

Look at what a man has to pay in child support. Most of the time it doesn’t even pay for toothpaste
for the children and it ruins the lives of the children.
 I have a government contract where I run a job readiness training program. 95% of the population
I serve in this TANF(Temporary Assistance for Needy Family) population are WOMEN! WHO
GOT SCREWED and left with children to figure it out on their own.

Trust me we all have to own our choices and men just need to stop crying and everyone needs to
stay together when they get married because people don’t change after marriage…we just need to
see everyone for who they show us to be not who we want them to be and STAY MARRIED!

ANYWAY

Thanks for the article even though you don’t have a clue what you are talking about.

ODC

Reply

o Danny says:

March 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

So what you’re saying is that your personal experience is proof that Tom’s personal
experience and the experiences of the other people he got quotes from for this posts did
not happen? Please. You definitely sound like one of those people that have been trained
to believe that when a woman is treated unfairly everyone must band together to help her
but if a man is treated unfairly it all hi fault.

Reply

14. Annmarie Chereso says:

March 11, 2011 at 9:57 am

No one wins in divorce, particularly the kids. However, we can move on, be happy and get past it.
No one needs to be a victim. http://perfectlyimperfectlifecoaching.com/blog/text/13144395

Reply

15. AntZ says:

March 11, 2011 at 4:33 pm

 Tell that to the 70% of women who divorce their husband, take his children and his property,
transform him into state-enforced ATM machines, and run into the arms of the “bad boy” lovers
who they craved all along. And maybe pick up a copy of “eat, pray, love” while you are at it. Feel
good feminist fantasy, where the devastation of their hatred and selfishness is sanitized by the
invisibility of male suffering.

Beta bank and alpha bang. That is the fuel that runs feminism.

Reply

16. Henry says:

March 11, 2011 at 10:40 pm

You haven’t a friggin’ clue. My dad walked out on us and never paid a dime. He moved outta state
and was never heard from again. No one to enforce anything we lived a hard scrabble life while he
was out doing god knows what.

Reply

17. mjay says:

March 11, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Great,. Then let’s screw over all the men who do try to be with their children.

Maybe that will make you feel better.

Reply

18. goldenfetus says:

March 12, 2011 at 12:41 am

Maybe he knew what was in store for him if he stuck around.

Reply
19. Paul says:

March 12, 2011 at 4:17 pm

OH! Well, then obviously since your one anecdotal experience doesn’t neatly coincide with the
article, that must therefore mean that every other experience that is contrary to your own must
therefore be FALSE because you, YES YOU Henry, have the one TRUE experience.

Check please!

Reply