Acceptance

By: Michael E. J. Wilson

Creator and Author of Perceptions: The Ultimate Cure For Depression
You can visit my website by going to www.depressionperceptions.com.

Acceptance
"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." -  Carl
Jung
 
There really are only two types of acceptance. There is others accepting you for who you are, and then
there is you accepting yourself, others and events that affect your life.
Since this course is about you, I will not focus on others accepting you, because you have no control over
that. All that you can do is be who you truly are, and if another person cannot accept you for that, then
there really is nothing else that you can do. That is all there is to it. All that you can do in such a case is
move on.
So having said that, all that is left to talk about is you finding acceptance of yourself, others and the
events that affect your life.
Let's start off with defining the question, "What does acceptance mean anyways?"
 
“Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to
distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy
paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens." - Arthur Gordon
Apathy by the way, is the absence of emotion or passion.
 
Acceptance is one of the most important steps required for moving on with your life and finding
happiness. It is right up there with forgiveness. In fact the primary purpose of both of them is really for
your benefit only and nobody else's. Why this is will hopefully become more evident to you shortly.
Here is a definition of what acceptance means from the internet:
 
"Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a
negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit." - (wikipedia.org)
 
Let me illustrate the importance of acceptance with the following story:
 
I was recently diagnosed with a para-esophageal hiatal hernia and was given some medication to
take for it. I also had some internal scarring as well. That wasn't the problem for me, the problem
was the fact that I was supposed to start taking drugs for this. I am very much against drugs and
did not want to take what was prescribed to me. But after learning more about the drug that I
was supposed to take and how it can help me, my concerns were alleviated considerably. Because
I had this new understanding of what I was supposed to start taking, and how it was fairly
harmless, I could then accept it and start taking it on a daily basis.
 
Before I had a better understanding of this drug, I didn't like it, and I didn't want to take it at all. It took
me learning to accept it through changing my perception of the drug in order for me to be willing to
consume it on a daily basis. That is what made the difference for me and that is how acceptance allows
a person to be able to move on with their life.
 
As you can see, acceptance is not really surrendering to something, it is only admitting to something for
being what it is ("it is what it is").
You are acknowledging something that you in the past were resistant to and refused to see for what it
really was, or you are accepting something in the present moment that has happened in the present
moment. This could be a mistake that you made, something that you wish you had done but did not,
something that has happened to somebody else or something else, or even something about yourself
that you do not like (like a really big nose or an embarrassing laugh). Really there are a multitude of
things, traits and events that we can refuse to accept, all of which are individual to the person
experiencing them. These are negative examples of acceptance.
We can also accept positive things, traits and events in our lives as well. However, it is much easier to
accept something that is positive because generally speaking we are already wanting it in our life
anyways, as it is more "acceptable." So from here on in and throughout this course, when I am referring
to learning "acceptance," I will only be discussing anything related to the topic that is not positive, and
whatever "the thing" is that you are having a difficult time learning how to accept will be addressed as
"the event."
 
"It is what it is"
I really like this quote, as it is simple yet really profound. It is a great way to surmise what acceptance
actually means. When something good or bad happens to you, "it is what it is!" The event (good or
bad) is nothing more, nothing less, and really, you can't change it or try and make it into something that
it isn't because "it is what it is!" Do you get my point? Remember, all events in life are neutral, we
attach meaning to them, therefore events mean nothing until we give them meaning (based upon our
perception of the event). So "the event" is just life happening, and it just is what it is. When you can
learn to see all of life like that, it makes it much easier to accept what happens to you because when bad
things do happen, they are not personal, they just are - and there is nothing that you can do to change
that. The only thing that you can control is how you choose to react to the event, or what you decide to
do about the event to either fix it, deal with it, get past it or whatever it is that you need to do in order
to let it go. That is it!
 
More About Acceptance
"Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance." - Author unknown
Accepting what comes your way is how you can get past whatever it is that has happened so that you
can carry on with life. Negatively speaking, sometimes they are lessons that you needed to learn, losses
that you had to take or mistakes that you made and can or can't undo. Learning to accept them for
what they are is the first step towards moving on with your life. I say this because until you can learn to
accept something for being what it is, you cannot get past it and it will continue to bother you/hold you
back. When you refuse to accept an "event" that has happened in your life, you will think about it often
and it will bother you. If left undealt with, it can form into depression. That is why learning the art of
acceptance can be so very important to you.
 
So What Prevents People From Finding Acceptance?
“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the
imperfections." - Author unknown
Gaining acceptance can be very difficult to find. Part of the reason why (I believe) is that people
misunderstand the concept of acceptance as a whole and they get stuck on what is happening (right in
front of them) rather than being able to see the "whole picture." What do I mean? When all that you
can do is see the problem, it is difficult to get past it, or figure out a way to solve it. By being able to step
back and see everything surrounding the problem and the possible solution(s) clearly, you are much
more capable of being able to make better decisions and understand everything more clearly.
So what is it that makes it so difficult for some people to find acceptance in their lives?

I believe that there are a few reasons why people won't accept certain parts of their lives whether they
have happened, should have happened, should not have happened or otherwise. They are as follows:
1. Defeat
2. Disgust/humiliation/embarrassment
3. Fear
4. Lack of knowledge
 
1. Defeat
"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from
the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity,
of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices." - Paul Tournier
Acceptance is not being defeated! It is simply the act of acknowledging something for what it is.
Once you are able to accept something for what it is, you can then decide what you would like to
do about it from there. You can take "the event" and either fix it, overcome it, change it, or
choose to do nothing about it at all, and just accept it - all of which proves that acceptance is not
admitting defeat.
Generally speaking I believe that people who cannot admit defeat tend to have one or more issues
with their own pride, ego, or they have too much emotional attachment towards what they
cannot accept that it hinders them due to "the event" not going in the manner with which they
are expecting it to go in. Yes we are here to create our own realities based on the way that we
choose to think, but that does not mean that we will always get our way. In fact I heard a saying
once that goes along the lines of "Life is what happens when we go about making plans," and it is
sooo true! Everything in life is like a game of cards - sometimes you are going to win/get what you
want, and sometimes you won't. Some results in life are just out of your control, so that is why
learning acceptance is so vitally important.
 
How do I overcome this obstacle?
I do believe that I have explained this in my definition already. Once you can realize that
you are not necessarily accepting defeat, and that you are merely acknowledging it for what
it is, you can then carry on and decide what you would like to do next. Sometimes this is
nothing, and sometimes this is taking action to improve the situation. It all depends on you,
your "event," what you think and how you feel about it. Acceptance is not completion, that
is, it does not mean things are now "final," it only means that you are in agreement with
what it. What you decide to do from there is entirely up to you.
 
2. Disgust/humiliation/embarrassment
It is entirely possible that a person cannot accept something as being real, having happened or
otherwise because they are either thoroughly disgusted (with themselves, the event, the people
that created the event in question, or otherwise), or they are humiliated and or embarrassed for
the exact same reasons.
When a person feels any of these three emotions, the impact can be very traumatic depending on
the meaning that the person feeling them associates to the event. In fact the feelings can become
so unbearable to the point where they refuse to acknowledge them. Hence the difficulty in
finding acceptance.
 
How do I overcome this obstacle?
In order to find acceptance in such an instance, you first need to deal with the feelings of
disgust, humiliation and/or embarrassment. Perhaps this may take some extra time, which
would be okay, because time heals all wounds.
Having said that, I think one way would be to look at your situation from a place of wanting
to deal with "the event" and you emotion(s) and wanting to get past it - how ever long this
takes. When you can come from a place of wanting rather than of being in resistance (to
"the event"), you are more inclined to make progress, so it is entirely based on the attitude
that you bring towards this resolution. So time and proper desire are probably your best
options for overcoming this obstacle towards finding acceptance in your life.
I do want to mention though that this can be a very touchy situation. Disgust, humiliation,
and embarrassment can be very difficult emotions to overcome, and it can be even more
difficult to accept a resulting event if you are reeling from such feelings. So please don't
think that if you have been severely affected by a traumatic event in your life that you will
get over it just by accepting it. No, that is not the case at all. Without accepting what has
happened you are stuck where you are at 'suffering,' and you will not get past that. The
only way that you can get past that stage is through acceptance, because once you do, then
and only then can you start on your road to recovery (to whatever degree that will end up
being).
 
3. Fear
Fear is a very debilitating emotion with potentially crippling effects if they are severe enough.
Fear can create all kinds of mental blocks, insecurities, limitations, anxieties and barriers to
success in life. When a person becomes fearful enough of something that has happened, could
happen or is unknown, they could refuse to accept the situation for what it is out of sheer terror.
Their fear is more than they can handle, hence the reason for denying it. Just what can cause this
kind of fear varies from one person to the next, as it all depends on what can create that kind of
fear in a person.
 
How do I overcome this obstacle?
Fear is fear is fear! That is an old saying, and it means that fear is the same thing no matter
what causes it. So no matter what the cause of your fear is, you can deal with it the same
way as I am about to describe (or based on how you already know how to deal with fear).
Look at your fear and try and understand it. This works better if you can detach yourself
emotionally from it and learn to see it in such a manner. Doing this is much the same as if
someone else has a fear and is consoling you regarding it. Since it is not your fear, you are
not emotionally attached to it, thus you are more inclined to think with a clear mind (in
order to help them) and see the situation for what it is, rather than being fogged up by
emotion.
Once you can reach this state of mind, examine it and pick the fear apart. Look and see why
you are having it, ask yourself if it is warranted or is it just a petty worry that you have
magnified into a giant problem. Look at past issues in your life regarding a fear, and how
you dealt with them. Does your fear involve "what if" thinking? As in "what if this
happens?" or "what if that happens?" Once again look at your past and figure out how
often your "what if" thinking has actually came true for you (probably almost never right?).
 When you can see your fear as something other than just the feeling of "being scared," you
can sometimes change your perception of it, thereby changing how you react to it, and that
just might be enough for you to push through your fear...
If this isn't enough information to help you, feel free to visit the document that I wrote on
dealing with fear called Step #13: "Fear."
 
4. Lack of knowledge
A great example of this was my personal story near the beginning of this document about me
needing to take a drug for my herniated stomach. I couldn't accept taking a prescribed drug
because I didn't thoroughly understand it enough to be able to make that decision. I was simply
lacking knowledge about it, as that was what prevented me from accepting it.
 
How do I overcome this obstacle?
Knowledge is the key! Find out all that you can about your "event" before you decide on what to
do. Look at what is causing you to feel resistance and do whatever you need to do in order to
either justify that resistance or nullify it. Just be honest with yourself, "the event," and seek all the
help that you need (if you think that you require it).
 
Still Refusing Acceptance?
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of
the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." - Rachel Naomi Remen
The kind of acceptance that I am about to discuss might be construed as a slightly different form of
acceptance when compared with what I have been talking about so far, yet it still has relevance. When
you are in the process of finding acceptance in your life, you need to know what is acceptable, and what
is not acceptable. That way you can gauge what you are willing to put up with, and what you are not.
This helps you to decide what is okay and what is not okay. By having this understanding you are more
informed as to what you are wanting to do about situations that come in your life that require
acceptance (which really is pretty much everything). Having this knowledge will help you be better able
to decide on what you wish to do regarding a situation once you have learned to accept it for what it is.
I say this because you may or may not like something that has happened, therefore you need to decide
if you wish to do something about it or not in order to rectify the situation. Having said that, let me
begin…
 
Sometimes there are events in life that are simply just unacceptable, as there is definitely a difference
between what is acceptable and what is not. The difference once again varies from person to person
and situation to situation, so it is really difficult for me to explain the differences to you - however I will
do my best. An example might be theft. You might be able to accept someone stealing from you once
(if they apologized/returned the goods), but if they keep on trying to get away with stealing from you,
then it can become unacceptable. When it reaches this stage, you must then decide to do something in
order to prevent this stealing from happening again in the future. But that is a whole new topic in itself,
so I will just stop right there.
You need to understand the difference between what is acceptable and what is not in your life so that
you can live your life. There is no fool proof way of doing this, as only you can decide this for yourself. I
can say that the factors that you need to look at when arriving at such a decision are your morals, your
values, and past experiences. Sometimes you may also need to consult with a friend or loved one, and
sometimes you just need to trust your gut instinct. Sometimes deciding this is easy, and sometimes it is
not, as that is what life is all about - learning, learning, learning!
I talk about building a 'strong base' for who you are and what defines you in the document "QMVE -
Qualities, Morals, Values and Ethics." This would be a great place for you to start with in defining who
you are, and then from there you might be better able to decide what you wish to accept and what you
cannot accept (or even tolerate).
 
Are You An Inhibited Warrior?
"Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death." - Miyamoto Musashi
Perhaps this quote is a little on the harsh side, but when you think about what a true warrior represents,
they can be their best because they have no fear of death. A fear of death would limit their abilities in
one way or another, thus inhibiting their ability to protect their self in the most absolute sense and/or
fight the best that they can.
Lack of acceptance (of death) is an inhibitor for a warrior and it is also an inhibitor for you when dealing
with depression. I say this because your cause of depression can be something that you have refused to
accept thus far. Could it be that something that you WANT but DO NOT HAVE, or that something that
you HAVE but DO NOT WANT? Think about what it is for you and ask yourself if you are having difficulty
in accepting that 'something' (for what it is) in your life, because once you can learn to accept it for what
it is, you can then take action in whatever way that you see fit (or do nothing at all). Either way you are
making a decision and taking action to carry on with your life, which is the whole purpose of dealing
with depression.
 
How Do I Bring Acceptance Into My Heart?
"Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the
consequences of any misfortune." - William James
You can start by watching this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CL1L2wK1NWs) and
understanding it through the eyes of another person. Here is another video
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tgAXvgtLmM) regarding acceptance. Below is the five stages as
mentioned in the video that were developed for dealing with grief by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:
 
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
 
Now like I already mentioned, this process was geared towards dealing with death, but perhaps you can
find a way to use it for whatever it is in life that you are struggling to learn to accept.
If this process is not helping you, then feel free to give this one a try:
www.selfcreation.com (http://www.selfcreation.com/acceptance/index.htm)
 
Finally, let me show you a great little video. It explains why the process of acceptance is so important (in
a roundabout manner). What you do not accept about yourself or what is going on/has happened/will
happen, is what you resist. So as Carl Jung says, what you resist, persists! Here is that video
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95EH9G1c_4o).
"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid
suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in
proportion to your fear of being hurt." - Thomas Merton
 
In Conclusion
Acceptance is only about admitting that something is what it is (it is what it is) and nothing more. Like I
already mentioned, you are not admitting defeat or anything else, you are simply admitting the truth of
the situation at hand. If you refuse to admit that you have an inferior quality that embarrasses you, or
that a traumatic even has ever happened, it is no different than refusing to admit that rain falls from the
sky, or that we need sleep on a daily basis. All of these examples are true components of reality (it is
what it is) and by denying their existence, you are denying reality, you are therefore delusional. If
finding acceptance is still difficult for you right now, then go back through this document and re-read
"So What Prevents People From Finding Acceptance?" Is it defeat, disgust/humiliation/embarrassment,
fear, or lack of knowledge that is keeping you in denial? Really take a look at your situation in life and
question it, pick it apart and honestly seek out a way to accept it for what it is. There is nothing in life
that cannot be worked through, that cannot be seen for what it is and overcame. The only thing that
prevents this from happening is us, it is the meaning that we attach to the event and nothing more.
Now don't get me wrong as there are many events in life that can be very traumatic for you, and very
difficult to deal with, so be strong, have courage and face these difficulties when you are ready. Make
sure that you are surrounded by competent people who can help you out and then take action when the
time is right. This is important because when you refuse to admit that something is wrong, or if you
avoid it, then you will continue to suffer, and it will slowly affect you more and more - just like a nagging
task that you need to complete but keep putting off simply because you don't want to complete it.
 

The following information is a small excerpt from a course that I am writing on

how to overcome depression. It is not quite finished yet, but in the meantime, if
you are interested in learning more about the course, feel free to contact me on
this site, or by emailing me at myklwilson@gmail.com. I will also be creating a
website in the near future for the entire course called
depressionperceptions.com.