Established when Elizabeth Taylor was alive. That really narrows it down, doesn’t it?

March

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 17
25
2011
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Was your Spring Is there sexism on Pitt’s campus?
Break 2011 a By: Tim Horn
Staff Writer
Freshmen Fornicators’ Fo-
rum,” who write on their web-
dignity was this past Friday.

success? Accusations of sexism are

site, “The right to wear and
burn bras belongs to both
Tim Horn is clearly a psycho-
logically disturbed human being
By: Kelly Henke beginning to float around the men and women, just like the who has been writing for the
Staff Writer PITT Campus. Reports are right to set fire to ourselves Pittiful News for about a month
that Sophomore Bobby Rob- while fornicating.” now. He hopes to become the
It’s a little after Spring Break,
erts is trying to take his now When confronted with this first person to win both the
but by now the hangovers may
ex-girlfriend Sarah Macpseu- information, Miss Macpseudo- “Best Actor” and “Best Ac-
or may not have (finally) worn
doantidisestablishmentarianis antidisestablishmentarianism’ tress” Oscars in the same year.
off. As such, it’s the perfect time
mson to court over a rather s attorney, Mr. Erik Tiledys-
to look back on your break, and
rowdy incident at the function simply stated that,
analyze it. How successful was
“Watching Paint Dry Club “My client cannot comment
your spring break?
Tri-Weekly Two-Day Extrav- on the accusations, as she is
aganza” last Monday Night. too busy watching a lavender
Successful
According to Mr. Roberts, paint job with neon orange
You somehow came back from
“Everything was going just stripes drying.” The memorial
the strip club with more ones
fine. The bright pink paint on service for Bobby Roberts
than you brought with you. You
the walls was drying perfectly
woke up at least one morning in
well. Even the lime green
your own bed, in your pajamas,
polka-dots we added looked to
without your shoes on. At least 7
be in fairly good condition.
people saw you catch a green
Then, they announced that
anole with your bare hands. 90%
the walls were officially dry,
of people in Daytona know you
and all of the girls celebrated.
as “the vodka whisperer.”
Sarah proceeded to take off
her bra and set it on fire. I
Mildly Successful
decided to join her and started
You drunk dialed your mother
to burn my sports bra. She all
at 1:30am, and although the
of a sudden freaked out and
content of your conversation
called me disgusting. I was
escapes you, you get the feeling
embarrassed and everyone
that it went pleasantly. You
made fun of me. It’s not fair!
beer bonged a gallon’s worth of
She gets to burn her bra, but
mimosas during your morning
when I do it, it’s considered
shower. All the participants in
revolting?”
one night’s Never Have I Ever
Roberts later added, “My
game were too drunk to remem-
boobs are just as big and nat-
ber the deviant sexual behavior
ural and free as hers. What’s
you admitted to.
wrong with showing them off?
She never complained about
Neither Successful or Unsuccess-
them when we had sex!”
ful
The lawsuit alleges that
After a solid collision between
Miss Macpseudoantidisestab-
your face and the toilet seat, you
lishmentarianismson caused
wake up hangover free. You got
1.4 dollars’ worth of damage
honorable mention in a wet t-
to Mr. Robert’s emotional
shirt contest. It turns out you
well-being. The suit is sup- Speaker of the House John Boehner and other members of the Repub-
and your beach hookup attended lican party issued criticism of how Obama is handling the Libyan
ported my many groups, in-
the same Vacation Bible School situation. If something like this happens with the next president, it’ll
cluding the “Flammable
be called a running gag.
Break, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com
Survey tells you whether or not you love your girl! Analyzing Spring Break
By: Tim Horn
Staff Writer
The Pittiful News is de-
voted to seeing good, suc-
cessful relationships on
campus. Thus we have pro-
vided this, a survey to help
test men on what they view
as important in a good girl-
friend. If you don’t have a
girlfriend, then you can
skip this and go back to
your porn.
1. On a scale of 3-17, how
important is your girl-
friend’s appearance?
2. On a scale of 2.7-32.46,
how important is the hard-
ness of her nipples?
3. If you could describe
your girlfriend in one word,
which of these would it be?
A) Ugly
B) Wretched
C) Bearded
4. If you girlfriend were a
mascot for a college team,
which would she be?
A) Cougar
B) Horny Frog
C) Anteater (seriously, UC
HARD COPIES: Every Friday
SOFT COPIES: Online
MEETINGS: Wednesdays
E-MAIL: Any computer
Irvine are known as the
Anteaters)
5. If you and your girlfriend
were the last two men on
Earth, would you get a sex
change to make her happy?
A) Yes
B) No
6. If the answer to question
5 was yes, then what would
you do if it turned out that
your girlfriend was now
actually gay?
A) Change Back
B) Cry
D) Wait, WHAT??!!!
7. If the answer to question
5 was no, why do you hate
your girlfriend?
A) I don’t!
A) I swear, I really love
her!
A) She snores.
Now, add up your points
(“a” = 1 point, “b” = 2
points, and “c”= 39.6
points), multiply by your
age, divide by your year of
birth, subtract the number
of sex partners you have
had, then divide by your
The Pittiful News
age in the year you were
born and add the number of
months you have been da-
ting your girlfriend. If your
answer exists, congratula-
tions! You clearly did not
read the instructions you
moron.
Yes, that’s right. This
was basically a waste of
your time, time that you
could have used with your
girlfriend. She will now
break up with you for this.
If you wish to send a re-
mark or response, please
send them to Mr. Horn
along with a photo of your
girlfriend, where she likes to
hang out, and what pick-up
lines work.
www.pittifulnews.com
8:30-9:00, 237 Cathedral
PittifulNews@gmail.com
Break, Page 1
in 1996. You traded your left shoe for
three shots of Jager.
Mildly Unsuccessful
The gross unevenness of your tan mer-
ited you the nickname Dotty or Patches.
After one too many glasses of box wine,
you let slip a few dark childhood secrets
to the night manager of Taco Bell. You
made a number of unexplainable pur-
chases including a $130 bottle of bour-
bon, a dozen glow sticks, a dog faced
puffer fish and a 30 minute call to the
Mystic Hotline. After carelessly discard-
ing an apple on the beach, the area sur-
rounding your beach towel turned into a
scene from The Birds.
Unsuccessful
You have a faint memory of letting
your cell phone and debit card “go free”
into the ocean. The bronze god you met
on the beach wrote the phone number of
a substance abuse support group on the
back of your left hand. You woke up at
5am in the bed of a moving truck with a
crippling hangover and a name tattoo of
the ex-con you met in the hotel hot tub.
Your “drunk and disorderly” is sched-
uled to air on Cops mid-July.
Towers Lobby