1

FADE IN

INT. TELEMARKETING ROOM - DAY

Three telemarketers are at work. They are lazily making phone

calls, to leads from their card files. Telemaketing manager
SUSAN enters.

SUSAN
Sales have been a little weak,
these last couple of months, so
I've decided to perk things up
a little by holding a sales
contest. First prize is a
$1,000.00 bonus. Second prize
is a set of steak knives.
Third prize is you're fired!

MOMENTS LATER...

Three telemarketers are feverishly at work. Telemarketers JACK

and BILL have exressions of panic. Telemarketer DOUG is more
poised and confident. He appears somewhat smug, but not overly
so.

INT. TELEMARKETING ROOM - DAY

The pace is fast, the mood is tense. We see JACK and BILL
showing the effects of prolonged tension. We see sales board
with telemarketer's names. Doug is in the lead, Bill is in
second place, and Jack is third. Doug is composed.

JACK
Hey Bill, look at that son of
a bitch.
(Jack glances at Doug)
He's so calm. I'll bet he's
just shipping the product.
How else could he sell that
much?

BILL
(glancing at Jack)
Dont' worry Jack, if he's
 2

manipulating his figures you'll

get the steak knives, otherwise...
(cont.)

BILL (cont.)
(glancing at Doug)
Hey Doug, don't worry about the
old man. He's worried that he's
going to be stuck on welfare.
What a loser. You and me, we're
the survivors. But don't count
your chickens before they hatch.
it ain't over 'till it's over.

DOUG
(glancing at Bill)
you're absolutely right Bill.

INT. TELEMARKETING ROOM - DAY

We see sales board with Doug clearly in lead, Bill trailing a

distant second, and Jack not far behind Bill. Jack is very
nervous. Susan enters.

SUSAN
Before we get started, I just
want to say how much I appreciate
all the hard work you've all put
in. Here's the moment you've all
been waiting for. Congratulations
Bill, you're our first prize
winner. You'll be getting your
bonus check in the next couple
of weeks.

Bill is surprized. He sheepishly walks up to shake Susan's

outstretched hand, and returns to his desk.

SUSAN
Jack, you're our second prize
winner. And as I promised,
here are your steak knives,
and a coupon for dinner for two
at the White Horse Inn. Thanks
 3

guys.

Puzzled expression on Doug's face.

SUSAN
Doug, I need to speak with you.

Susan leads Doug into hallway.

SUSAN (cont.)
I'm sorry Doug. Business has
been a little slow, and you're
not performing up to our
standards. So, I'm going to
have to let you go.

DOUG
What happened? I was in the
lead. I was way ahead of those
guys, and I've been your top
salesman for months.

SUSAN
You know that big sale you made
to that old couple, that put you
in the lead? Those people don't
have any money, they're crazy.
they ust like to talk to
salespeople.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

Former telemarketer Doug, now working as a hamburger chef, is

dressed in a greasy apron, with a cigarette danglin out of his
mouth. He is preparing a meal for a lone male customer, RAOUL,
at the counter. Doug looks beaten. Cigarette ash falls on the
grill. He is unshaven. The counter is chipped, the upolsterey
is torn, and the stainless steel fixtures are deeply scratched.

He opens a drawer to remove a bun. They are neatly stacked. He

 4

paces the bun on the grill. The meat is cooking. It actually

doesn't look bad. He takes a shabby lookin onion and slices
carefully, adds tomato and lettuce, pickles and a toothpick.
NOt a bad looking sandwich. He raises fries from deep fat fryer
and drains. They are a delicious golden brown. He places fries
on plate, passes to customer, and pours cola into an old
restaurant
glass. The meal looks good. We see hope.

We see customer eating sandwich and fries, taking a sip of cola,

ans swallowing. He seems satisfied. He's really enjoying the
burger. We see him finish meal.

RAOUL
This has to be one of the best
burgers I've ever eaten.

DOUG
Thanks. I used to be a short
order cook when I was younger.

RAOUL
Well you sure make a good
burger. Here, keep the change.

Raoul leaves a generous tip.

DOUG
Thanks a lot. Come again.

INT./EXT. HAMBURGER SHOP/STREET - DAY

Small group of diners are eating in hamburger shop. Looking

outside we see a man and a woman, about half a block up the
street, with a baby carriage, a teenage boy aproximately 13, and
a teenage girl approximately 15. The man, whom we can't see
completely, is hispanic and the woman is middle eastern. They
speak english well with slight accents. We see man completely as
he enters hamburger shop. This is Raoul, and he's brought his
family! Raoul greets Doug warmly and makes introductions.

RAOUL
Hey Doug, how're you doing?
This is my wife FATIMA.
 5

FATIMA
Hi, how are you?

DOUG
Good, nice to meet you.

RAOUL
And, my daughter ANGELA.

ANGELA
Hi.

DOUG
Hi, Angela.

RAOUL
My son MICHAELANGELO.

MICHAELANGELO
Just call me Mike.

Doug waves to Mike.

RAOUL
And my youngest, MARIA.

Raoul gestures to carriage.

DOUG
Nice to meet you all. Thanks
for comming.

RAOUL
You made such a good burger, I
decided to bring the whole
family.

DOUG
Thanks very much. et me take
your order.

Hamburger shop is full. Raoul and his family are among the
 6

diners. Doug's life affirming attitude and likeability have

generated a following. We not only see hope, we see life.

INT./EXT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

SAM'S restaurant supply truck pulls up in parking lot. Sam who

is approximately 70 gets out and opens rear door of truck. He
unloads supplies onto hand truck & rolls through back door. He
is greeted warmly by Doug.

DOUG
Hi, Sam.

SAM
Morning Doug. I got everything
you ordered. 250 lbs ground
meat, 1 carton napkins, 2 cartons
take out containers, and 1 carton
cutlery.

DOUG
Great. Boy I was sure lucky
to run into you. I would
never have been able to make
ends meet around here without
you. Smart and final wants
almost 50% more.

SAM
Glad to be able to help out
someone from the old meighborhood.
I hear your business has been
doing prettywell. I tried to
come in here for lunch once
and I couldn't find a seat.

DOUG
Yes, I've been lucky. I sure
hope this trend continues.

SAM
I'm sure it will. I think
 7

good things are going to

happen to you.

DOUG
Thank's. So I'll see you next
saturday?

SAM
O.K., see ya round.

Sam loads hand truck into rear of delivery truck, closes rear
gate of truck, climbs in and drives away.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

It's late afternoon and some of the people from the lunch crowd
are still eating, but this crowd is thin. Susan walks in,
unaware that Doug, her former employee, is the chef. Susan sits
down in the center of the otherwise unoccupied counter. Doug is
flipping a burger, his back turned to her. He didn't see her
come in.

SUSAN
Can I get some service?

DOUG
(his back still
turned to her)
I'll be right with you ma'm.

Doug fips burger, throws a slice of cheese on top, and turns to

face her.

DOUG
Yes ma'm, how can I help you?

Doug's expression turns to one of shock, so does Susan's.

SUSAN
Yes I'd like to get a double
cheeseburger, well done, with
fries and a cola.
 8

DOUG
That's a double cheeseburger
with fries and a cola?

SUSAN
Yes!

DOUG
(reluctantly)
Comming right up ma'm.

SUSAN
(sarcastically)
Wonderful! It loks like you've
done really well for yourself.

DOUG
(sincerely)
It sure beats the last job I
had. So how's business.

SUSAN
Slow. We had to let Jack and
Bill go. I've taken over their
accounts. I'm doing the whole
thing myself now.

DOUG
You don't say.

SUSAN
Oh, and by the way, the people
who gave you that big order
gave Bill the same order and
we didn't catch it until weeks
later. His adjusted figures
were lower than yours.

DOUG
I'll bet he was dissappointed
not to get the bonus.

SUSAN
He sure was. That's one of
 9

the reasons we had to let him

go.

DOUG
(slamming down the
plate)
Here's your food!

Doug waits on the next customer. Susan eats while Doug

continues to wait on the other customers. She appears to be
enjoying the food.

SUSAN
By the way Doug, you were our
best salesperson, and I will
have to hire at least one person
to be my assistant. You can
have your old job back, if you
want it.

DOUG
Thank's, but I think I'll try
this for a while.

SUSAN
Suit yourself. Thanks for lunch.

DOUG
(satisfied he has
the last word)
Thank's, come again.

They don't part friends, but at least Susan doesn't represent a

threat to Doug's future success.

INT./EXT. HAMBURGER SHOP STOREROOM/PARKING LOT - DAY

Sam's restaurant supply truck pulls up in parking lot. Sam gets

out and opens rear door of truck, unloads supplies onto
handtruck and carries through back door.

DOUG
Hi, sam.
 10

SAM
Morning Doug. You must really
be doing well here. 350lbs
groung meat, 2 cartons napkins,
4 cartons takeout containers,
and 2 cartons knives and forks,
just like you ordered.

DOUG
Yeah, Sam. Looks like things
may turn around yet!

SAM
Glad to hear it! Keep up the
good work!

DOUG
O.K., Sam! Same next week
unless I call you, O.K.?

SAM
O.K., Doug. See ya round.

Sam loads hand truck into rear of delivery truck, closes rear
gate of truck and drives away.

EXT. STREET - DAY

We follow Sam's truck as he leaves parking lot, pulls into

traffic, and for the next several blocks. Sam stops for a red
light, in the left hand turning lane. A younggirl approximately
15 is crossing the intersection on foot. She is wearing short -
shorts and a halter top. She is caucassion, and has a
voluptuous athletic look. He follows the girl with his eyes for
about half a block, clutches his chest and colapses on the
steering wheel.

Horn BLASTS continuously (over)

The light changes.

Traffic is stalled.
 11

More horns BLAST telescoping over each other. (over)

INT./EXT. HAMBURGER SHOP. STOREROOM/PARKING LOT - DAY

It's saturday morning 10:00am and Doug is just finishing

inventory. Sam should be arriving any moment. Time passes.
Now it's 10:05am and Sam still hasn't arrived. He's usually
here at 10:00am sharp. 10:15am comes and goes and Sam still
hasn't arrived. Doug is beginning to get worried. He has to
open by 11:00am.

10:30 comes, and Sam still doesn't show up. Doug walks into the
kitchen to turn on the grill. He leaves the closed sign in the
window and decides to call Sam's home. Doug picks up the phone
in the office and calls Sam's home. He just gets the answering
machine.

CUT TO:

INT. SAM'S HOUSE. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY

We see the inside of Sam's office. On his desk there is a phone

with answering machine. We hear the phone ring several times
and then the answering machine comes on.

SAM'S ANSWERING MACHINE (over)

Hi, you've reached Sam's restaurant
supply. If you're an existing
customer, please say your name,
business name, and your order.
(cont.)
SAM’S ANSWERING MACHING(cont.)
If you are a new customer, please
leave your name, business name,
phone number, and I'll call you
back. Please wait for the beep.
BEEP...

CUT BACK TO:

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP. DOUG'S OFFICE - DAY

DOUG
Hey Sam! This is Doug. I'm
 12

still waiting for delivery!

Come on man, I ave to open now.
I don't have enough supplies to
finnish the weekend. Please
call me ASAP, O.K.!

Doug opens reluctantly. Business is brisk, but he is obviously

worried. It's now 5:00pm, still no Sam and no phone call. As
soon as the shop empties out, Doug puts up the closed sign and
tries to call Sam again. This time there is no answering
machine and the phone just RINGS.

Doug hangs up, redials, and decides to let the phone RING this
time. It keeps RINGING. After about 15 - 20 RINGS an old woman
answers. This is SAM'S WIDOW. She is a little slow, and not
much help!

CUT TO:

INT. SAM'S HOUSE. 2ND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING

There is a small table on the second floor landing that holds a

telephone. We hear the phone RING several times, then stop. We
hear the phone start to RING again.

CUT TO:

UPSTAIRS BATHROOM

Sam's widow, wearing a bath robe and slippers, is combing her

hair in mirror. She hears the phone RING again, puts down her
brush and leaves the bathroom to answer it.

CUT BACK TO:

2ND FLOOR LNDING

Sam's widow enters frame and picks up phone from table.

SAM'S WIDOW
(very screechy)
Hello.

INTERCUT
 13

A two-way conversation with Doug in his office and Sam's widow

on 2nd floor landing.

DOUG
Hello ma'm?

SAM'S WIDOW
Yes Hello?

DOUG
I'm trying to reach Sam. Is
he there?

SAM'S WIDOW
You're trying to reach who?
Can you speak up? I'm a little
hard of hearing, you know.

DOUG
(louder)
I'm trying to reach Sam. Is he
there?

SAM'S WIDOW
I said I was hard of hearing,
not deaf! You don't have to
shout.

DOUG
(not as loud)
O.K. ma'm. I'm trying to
reach Sam. Is he there?

SAM'S WIDOW
Oh, Sam. Sam passed away last
week honey. Didn't you know?

DOUG
No, ma'm.

SAM'S WIDOW
What did you say your name was?

DOUG
 14

Doug.

SAM'S WIDOW
Did you say Doug?

DOUG
Yes, ma'm.

SAM'S WIDOW
Oh, Doug. You left a message.

DOUG
Yes, ma'm.

SAM'S WIDOW
I was going to call you back,
but I haven't gotten a chance.
Everybody's calling now you
know.

DOUG
Yes ma'm.

SAM'S WIDOW
Nice talking to you, young man.

DOUG
Yes, ma'm. Thank you.

DOUG'S WIDOW
You're welcome young man.

Sam's widow hangs up. Doug with receiver still in his hand,
slowly hangs up. He is dumbfounded. His friend is dead, and he
doesn't know where he's going to get his supplies. Doug is
going to have to pay more for supplies, and this is going to
break him unless he raises prices. But, many of his customers
come to him in part because he charges less. If he raises
prices, he may lose his clientele.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP – NIGHT

Doug closes the shop for the day. He puts the closed sign in
the window, turns off the grill and fryer, and starts cleaning
 15

up. He finally makes his way back into his office and picks up
the yellow pages. He has to find a new supplier, that will
deliver before opening on sunday morning. He is out of ground
meat and most of his supplies. We see the supplier he finds,
with a full page ad. He picks up the phone to call (Smart and
Final Iris).

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

It is lunch and the shop has just started to fill. This is the
first day that the menus, with the new higher prices, are out.
Doug's friend Raoul is there durring lunch.

RAOUL
(examining menu)
Hey Doug, I see you've raised
prices. Is all this success
going to your head?

DOUG
You know better than that man.
I had to change suppliers, and
they charge a lot more. I have
to raise prices or I'm going to
lose the place.

RAOUL
I see. Hey, I'm your friend
man. I don't mind paying a
little extra, but alot of these
people acn't afford it. I think
you're going to lose a lot of
customers.

DOUG
Yeah, you're probably right. I
can see it already. People are
starting to order fries and a
coke, when they were getting
burgers also. I'm going to have
to keep prices high, unless I can
find another supplier, but I've
already called around. So far
I haven't had any luck.
 16

RAOUL
Hey man, tough break. So give
me the usual.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

Business is a little slowe, the crowd has been dwindling, and

the tips aren't as generous. Doug's usual optimism has been
wearing a little thin.

There are a group of latin males, in the back of the restaurant.

Three are juveniles, approximately 15 - 17 years old. They are
wearing baggy pants, and stocking caps. The fourth is older,
approximately27, and larger. He is tatooed, wearing baggy pants
and a tank top t-shirt. He looks mean. He gets an undercooked
burger and gets into an argument with Doug, whose fuse is
already short.

IRATE CUSTOMER
Hey buddy, do you call this
burger cooked? I told you to
make it medium rare. This meat
isn't cooked at all. Fix this!
And, I want a new bun and fries
too. I don't want the same soggy
bun or cold fries.

DOUG
I'm sorry sir, I'll fix it right
away.

Doug takes the plate with burger and fries and opens the
sandwich and places the burger back on the grill.

IRATE CUSTOMER
Don't put that same old stinking
patty back on the grill and
reheat it. I want a fresh burger.
I want a whole fresh meal. I'm
paying good money for this. I
want you to respect me!

DOUG
Don't worry sir, I'll fix it.
 17

IRATE CUSTOMER
You better
(to his friends)
Fuckin loser. This worthless
old man can't even get a simple
order right. And, he's gonna
treat me like a punk by reheating
that undercooked patty. He's
lucky I come in here at all.

Doug, who is already under a great deal of stress, has heard

enough.

DOUG
I want you, and that pack of
juvenile delinquints you came
in here with, to get the fuck
out of my store right now.

IRATE CUSTOMER
O.K. man, if that's the way
you want to be, I won't come
back. And none of my friends
will come back either.

DOUG
Just get out. And take that
superior attitude of yours
with you.

Irate customer and his friends leave. Doug feels better, but an
already bad situation has become worse. He knows, in the back
of his mind, that he's lost most of his repeat business and will
probably not be able to make the rent on time.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

It's lunch and there are only three diners in the shop at this
time. The shop is usually full this time of day. Doug is
desparate. He's already two weeks late on his rent, and he has
to pay more for hi s supplies, since he's buying less.
 18

The landlord CARL MONETTE, walks in and sits at the counter. We

know he's the landlord because he's well dressed, and there is
an eerie tension between them. Doug looks worried.

CARL
Hi Doug, Business a little slow?

DOUG
Yes it sure has been. I'm sorry
about the rent. With the downturn
in business, the last couple of
weeks, I've only been able to pay
for the supplies. I'm sure this
is only temporary though.

CARL
Wel it does look like you have
a problem here. You're already
two weeks late. Are you sure you
can't pay me now?

DOUG
I can give you half now, but it's
going to take me at least another
two weeks to get the rest.

CARL
I'm dissapointed in you Doug. When
I leased you the diner you assured
me that the rent would be your first
priority, and I trusted you. Now
` you're doing just what you told me
you wouldn't do. I really thought
you were different.

DOUG
I'm doing the best I can. I'm
having trouble with suppliers.
The man I usually buy from, passed
away last month. I haven't been
able to make ends meet since.
I need just a little more time
 19

to put things together, you'll

see.

CARL
I don't know what I'm going to
do about you Doug. I'd like to
believe you, but it seems to me
you have a real problem here.
(cont.)
CARL (cont.)
I'll give you two weeks, but
that will put you a month behind.
When are you going to get caught
up?

DOUG
Thank you sir. I'll have the
money for you in two weeks, and
I'll get caught up just as soon
as I can.

CARL
I hope so Doug.

DOUG
Yes sir, thank you.

INT. BURBANK DOGPOUD - DAY

We see rows of animal cages, where animals of every description

are being housed. Animal conrol worker opens gates and herds
entire isle of caged animals into decpmpression chamber. We
focus in on decompression chamber. Through the observation
window, we see the cutest baby kittens, puppies, pot bellied
pigs, and soft yellow down covered ducklings. From farther
away, we seeanimal control worker turning valves. We hear air
HISSING.

EXT. BURBANK DOGPOUND - DAY

We see ruck driver loading sacks of destroyed animals into rear

of truck. We pull back to see logo on trucl; "Humane Disposal
Industries, Inc."
 20

INT. CARL'S OFFICE - DAY

We see inside of Carl's office. We see Carl walk in and sit at

desk. He is checking his calender for appointments, and he is
busying himself with office activities. There is a voice on the
intercom, LAURA his secretary.

LAURA (over)
(on intercom)
Carl?

CARL
Yes, Laura?

LAURA (over)
(on intercom)
The courier has just brought
the checks. CanI bring them
in for you to sign?

CARL
Yes, come in.

Laura walks into Carl's office and brings three large envelopes
with payroll checks, for him to sign. The first envelope is
labled Commercial Realty, Inc. The second envlope is labeled
Commercial Landscaping. The third evvelope is labeled; "Humane
isposal Industries, Inc." Carl opens the first envelope and
reviews payroll.

Carl puts down the payroll envelope from Commercial Realty,

slides over the envelope from Commercial Landscaping, pauses at
the envelope for "Humane Disposal Industries, Inc." Carl picks
up the envelope , weighing it in his hand repeatedly. Carl has
an idea!

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

It is the last day of the month. Doug is at work frying

hamburgers in his again greasy apron, for the few remaining
customers he has. He is unshaven again, but sans cigarette.
Carl walks in.

DOUG
 21

(to Carl)
Thanks for the extra time. I've
got the money for you now. Just
as soon as I get finished with this
order I'll write you a check.

CARL
(very reassuring)
It's O.K., take it easy. You're
having a pretty tough time right
now aren't you?

DOUG
Sure, things are a little rough
right now. But I've got the
money now. I can pay you.

CARL
I said, take it easy. Don't
worry about it. You seem like
an honest guy. Just hang onto
your money for now. I might
even be willing to help you.
If you'll hear me out.

DOUG
Sure, but I don't understand.

CARL
I've seen how packed it was in
here once. And I believe you
might even make a success of
place. I think all you need
is an even break.

DOUG
Thanks, but I don't understand
how that's going to happen...

CARL
Doug, I thought you were going
to hear me out?

DOUG
 22

Sorry.

CARL
I believe in you Doug. And I
might even be willing to waive
the rent entirely, in return for
a share of the profits. Are you
interested?

DOUG
Yeah! Of course I'm interested,
but look at this place; there's
not a soul in here. Since I've
raised prices, I can't get any
regular customers.

CARL
I've got a friend in the restaurant
supply business, who might be
able to help you. His name is
JIM. He works with businesses
like yours, and his prices are
very competitive. Let me give
you his card.

Carl removes Jim's card from his wallet, and extends is hand to
give the cad to Doug.

DOUG
(taking card)
Gee, thanks. I don't know what
to say.

CARL
I don't know what he's going to
charge you, but it should be
reasonable enough for you to get
your old customers back.

Doug is comtemplating this. And Carl is sizing up Doug's

response.
 23

CARL (cont.)
(Carl extends his hand
seeing that Doug has
already agreed)
So, do we have a deal?

DOUG
(taking Carl's hand)
Thanks, you bet!

CARL
Don't worry about it. Just
take the money and get this
place and yourself cleaned
up. I'll bring the papers
over tommorrow.

Carl leaves. The audience still doesn't know about the meat
source, although some have guessed it.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

It's lunchtime. The old prices are back in effect. Doug is

shaven and wearing a clean apron. The diner is partially full
and has a fresh coat of paint. Carl enters.

DOUG
Hi Carl.

CARL
Doug, now this is more like it!
I might have been right to take
a chance on. This might work
after all. If this keeps up,
I'll make my money back in no
time.

DOUG
I sure hope so. I'm just happy
to get people back in here again.

CARL
 24

Well you've certainly done that.

keep up the good work.

Carl turns to leave, satisfied that Doug is properly managing

the business that he is now a part owner of.

CARL
(turning to leave)
See you later Doug.

DOUG
Right! See you later Carl.

INT. HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

It is lunch. The diner is partially full, but it could stand a

little more business. A well dressed man enters. He is very
well dressed, immaculately groomed, and wearing a gold Rolex
president's model. He moves with a great deal of authority.
There is a television studio two blocks up the street. This man
is a comic, who has his own show. The comic, Mr. WAYNE BRAZIL
enters, but does not sit down.

WAYNE
(to Doug)
Hi, I'd like a "to go order."
Can I look at a menu.

DOUG
(taking another order)
I'll be right with you sir.
Menus are by the register.

WAYNE
(moving to pick up
a menu)
O.K., thanks.

Wayne reads the menu, while Doug takes the next two orders.
Doug finally gets to Wayne.

DOUG
 25

Thanks for waiting sir. What

can I get for you?

WAYNE
Yeah. I'll have a double cheese
burger, with pickles, onion, and
no lettuce.

DOUG
O.K., you said you wanted it to
go?

WAYNE
Yes, that's right.

DOUG
(finally recognizing
him)
Hey, aren't you that guy from
the tommorrow show?

WAYNE
No, that's not me, that's my
evil twin. Hi, I'm Wayne
Brazil.

Wayne extends his hand. Doug shakes it enthusiastically.

DOUG
Nice to meet you sir.

WAYNE
Yes I know. The pleasures all
yours.

Doug looks dumbfounded.

WAYNE (cont)
Just kidding. But if you could
hurry up with that sandwich I'd
appreciate it. I don't want to
be late for the taping.

DOUG
 26

(hesitantly)
Sure, comming right up.

Doug begins working at grill.

WAYNE
I didn't realize you were right
down the block. Normally, I have
my assistant get lunch for me,
but she called in sick today and
I have to get out on my own once
in a while anyway. Can I take
some of these menus with me to
distribute aroud the office?

DOUG
(recognizing the
opportunity)
Yeah, Go right ahead.

WAYNE
(dryly)
Thank you. It looks like you
could use a little more business
in here.

DOUG
Yeah, sure I can.

WAYNE
Do you think you can handle
some large volume take out?

DOUG
How large are we talking about?

WAYNE
We've got 300 people working
at the studio, not to mention
production crews and extras.

DOUG
 27

Woah! I'd like some extra

business, but that's a little
more than I can handle. This
is a small place.

WAYNE
Relax, you're not going to get
the whole studio, just like that;
but, sometimes we have to feed
large groups of people, and some
of us don't liketo eat off the
catering trucks.

DOUG
Oh, sure, I can handle about 50
to 75 take out lunches, but I'd
need about an hour lead time, if
you call in.

WAYNE
You should probably get a fax
machine. That's how we usually
order.

DOUG
O.K., I cando that.

WAYNE
(dryly)
Great.
(looking at menu)
The selection looks good and
the price is right, but you
need a hook.

DOUG
What do you mean?

WAYNE
A gimmick, an angle, something
to get people's attention, so
they remember you. Something
like Lion Burger," makes you
want to roar," or Gorilla Burger,
 28

"you'll go ape over it."

DOUG
(considers this)
Oh, I see.

WAYNE
Oh, I've got it! MEL, my
executive producer, hates
children and animals. How
about something like "Kitty
Dog," or "Baby Seal Burger."
Mel will get a kick out of it.

Doug looks confused.

Oh, just humor me. Do you think

you can print up some menus, just
like we talked about? And get
that fax machine.

DOUG
(floored, but going
along with it)
Oh, sure.

WAYNE
Oh, good. You just might end
up with more business than you
can handle. I can't wait to see
the look on Mel's face. It'll
kill him.

Doug hands Wayne the sack with his burger.

Wayne
(turning to leave)
See ya!

Wayne leaves, unable to restrain his laughter.

EXT./INT. SIDEWALK/HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

 29

It is lunch. The diner is full. The hardwood tables along the

walls have been replaced by red "tuck & roll" booths. The few
remaining hardwood tables in the center of the floor are covered
by table cloths. The diner has a fresh coat of paint and some
murals. We can see only part of the murals, because we can see
only just above the diner's heads. Among the usual diners anr
men and women in suits, studio execeutives, and crew people in
ball caps and t-shirts. Carl enters and walks up to counter.

CARL
Hey, this place looks great.
And, look at all the customers.
How did you do it?

DOUG
I started getting some studio
business, fom up the street.
It sure has helped.

CARL
Great! New furniture, new
silverware, new paint... Those
sure are some interesting murals
you have there.

Carl sees the murals now, and so do we. Superimposed on an

aquamarine green backgroud are the cutest little baby monkees,
kittens, puppies, and seals on the left, to the center a large
meat grinder, and to the right the finished product on a plate.
Carl turns white and can hardly stand. He looks like he's going
to throw up.

DOUG
Hey Carl!

No response from Carl.

Hey Carl!

Carl
What?

Carl looks dazed and confused.

 30

DOUG
Hey man, whats the matter?!
Are you O.K.?

CARL
Oh, yeah sure.

DOUG
Hey Carl, relax man! I hope
you're not too offended. It's
just gag. Oe of the studio guys
suggested it, to get the lunch
crowd from the studio. Business
has really picked up in here.

Carl has a distant look in his eyes.

DOUG
Hey Carl, snap out of it! It's
just a gag O.K.?! No harm done
right?!

CARL
(waking up suddenly)
Yeah, right.

DOUG
(extending his hand
holding check)
Oh, by the way man, here's
your check.

Carl takes it and examines it. The color returns to his face.

MONTAGE:

EXT./INT. STREET/HAMBURGER SHOP - DAY

We see diner full of people durring lunch. Half of them are

regular patrons and the other half are studio employees. Some
of the regular patrons are now wearing t-shirts and ball caps.
Everyone has been moving up it seems.
 31

The diner is packed. We hear silverware CLANKING. there is a

waiter taking orders (table service). All the tables are
covered with red tablecloths. There is a new chef behind the
grill. Where is Doug?

EXT./INT. STREET/CONVERTED TOMMY'S - DAY

We see interior of converted Tommy's through window. It has

similar furniture and murals to PETBURGER #1. We see waitress
dressed similarly to waiter at Petburger #1 (black trousers,
white blouse, white apron).

EXT./INT. STREET/ANOTHER CONVERTED TOMMY'S - DAY

We briefly see interior of another converted Tommy's as above,

but in a different location. Same furniture and decor. Same
waiter outfits.

EXT./INT. STREET/ANOTHER CONVERTED TOMMY'S - DAY

This store is under construction in another location. we see

consrtuction crews at work.

EXT. STREET - DAY

We see Petburger catering truck drive by, with abbreviated mural

painted on the side. Possibly a baby seal in a bun, or
something less complicated than the restaurant murals. A couple
of seconds pass, and a second Petburger catering truck drives
by. The pause is long enough so that the second truck is a
surprise to us. This shows us just how successful Doug and Carl
have become.

END MONTAGE

EXT. PETBURGER TOLUCA LAKE - DAY

It is Wednesday at Petburger Toluca Lake, formerly BOB'S BIG

BOY. We see classic cars of every description, young girls on
rollerblades giving car hop service. We see BIG BOY statue
still standing, but he is joined by friends. Standing next to
the Big Boy statue, are statues of a bunny on the left, and a
racoon on the right.
 32

We see a line of cars at the drive up window. A white cadillac

convertible, with the top down, pulls up to the microphone.
There are two celebs inside. Michael J Fox (look alike) is
driving, and Rob Reiner (look alike) is in the passenger side.

ROB
(speaking into mic)
I'll take two kitty dogs, two
large fries and a cola.

MIKE
(speaking into mic)
Yeah! And I'll have a baby
seal burger, with extra blubber
sauce and a chocolate shake.

EXT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

This was previously SPAGO'S. We see crane lowering Spago's sign

and raising sign for Petburger Beverly Hills. The new owners,
Doug and Carl, are moving in and the restaurant's previous owner
WOLFGANG (PUCK) is moving out. There are restaurant fixtures on
the lawn; pots, pans, blender, utencils, furniture etc. The
MOVERS are carrying in Doug and Carl's equipment and fixtures
and carrying out Wolfgang's

WOLFGANG
(to movers)
Hey, be careful with that!

MOvers giv Wolfgang a threatening look, and unceremoniously dump

Wolfgang's equipment on the lawn.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - NIGHT

The restaurant is not open, but Doug and Carl have finished
moving in. They have arrived! There is a bar inside. Carl is
behind it pouring Doug and himself a drink. We see a tlevision
set in the corner of the bar, suspended from the ceiling. It is
on. They are watching restaurant critic KATIE CUSTER on her
show, "The Best of Southern California." Katie is wrapping up
the current segment and announcing future segments.

KATIE
 33

(on videotaped
segment)
Overall our dining experience
was very pleasant.
(cont.)
KATIE (cont.)
The restaurant
is cozy and intimate. The service
was great. The menu could have used
a few more seafood dishes, but the
fare was delicious. We give Pete's
Bistro four stars, out of a possible
five.

(at her anchor desk)

On one of our future segments
we plan to visit the crowning
achievment of one of the fastest
growing restaurant chains in
southern California, "Petburger
Beverly Hills."

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

It is opening day. All of Doug and Carl's new fixtures are in

place. They are scheduled to have an initial inspection by the
health department, before they officially open. This is a
routine they've been through many times with al of their
previous restaurants. Carl is prepared for this. He replaces
the meat from "Jim's Restaurant Supply," with store bought meat
he purchase for just these occassions.

The health department inspector MAX OPPENHEIMER arrives. He is

dressed in a uniform that looks like a cross between a postal
worker's and a traffic cop's. Max is greeted by Doug at the
main entrance to the dinning room. Carl is in the ood prep area
making sure everything is in order. Max's attitude is very
business like.

DOUG
Good morning sir. we're all
ready fo you. Would you like
to begin with the food prep
area, or the dinning room first?
 34

MAX
I think I'll start with the
dinning room.
(sarcastically)
If that's all right with you.

DOUG
(confidently)
Of course.

Max places his breifcase on one of the tables, opens it, and
removes a metal clipboard, and begins his inspection. He
inspects the floor, walls, under and above the tables. He seems
satisfied with the dinning room, and makes notes on the
clipboard.

MAX
I'm done here. Let's move to
the food prep area.

DOUG
Right this way sir.

Doug leads Max to the food prep area and introduces him to Carl.

DOUG (cont)
(to Max)
This is Carl, my partner. He'll
help you in here.

CARL
(to Max, extending
his hand)
Pleased to meet you.

MAX
(not returning the
gesture)
Let's get started, shall we?

Carl gestures to Max, that he can start wherever he likes. Max

inspects chopping boards, knives, food prep tables, can openers,
 35

met slicer, mixing bowls, whisks, etc. He makes notes on his

clipboard.

MAX
I'm done here. Now let's
check dry stores, and walk-in.

Carl leads Max to dry stores. Max gestures toward boxes stacked
in corner.

MAX
Can you move these boxes? I
want to see behind them.

CARL
Certainly.

Carl moves the boxes.

MAX
(cooly)
Thank you.

Max checks the wall and floor behind the boxes, and makes notes.
He seems satisfied.

MAX
O.K., now let's check the
walk-in.

Carl leads Max to the walk-in, but he enters first. He is a

little nervous, but he's done this before. He takes a final
glance at the meat, to be sure he replaced it with the correct
(store bought) meat, and only then gestures for Max to enter.

Max checks the meat, cheese, vegetables, and frozen desert

items. He also checks the expiration dates, and make notes on
his clipboard. He finishes abruptly. Max exits the walk-in and
stops in front of Doug, who's been waiting in the dinning room,
for Max to finish.

MAX
(to Doug)
 36

You may now open. You'll be

getting you're final score by
mail, in a couple of days.

Max then walks past Doug and replaces his clipboard into his
briefcase and leaves without ceremony.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - NIGHT

It is dinner. The restaurant is packed. The bar is full.

There are actors, producers, writers, directors, and other
various studio types. This is a hollywood crowd. We hear the
noises of silverware CLANKING, wine POURING, an MURMERS or
conversation.

Some people are talking about upcomming projects and casting.

We see waiters and waitresses working at tables. We focus on
one waiter, who is POURING wine for three men at this table.
The waiter's name is KEVIN.

Kevin's back is to us. We see diner's face. Kevin POURS wine

and sits bottle in chiller.

KEVIN
(to diner sitting
at outside of table)
Let me know if you need anything
else sir.

DINER 1
Yes, thank you.

Kevin approaches table where Wolfgang is seated. Wolfgang is

alone. Kevin used to work as a waiter for Wolfgang, at Spago's,
before it became Petburger Beverly Hills.

KEVIN
Good evening sir.

Kevin and Wolfgang recognize each other. The tension rises.

Can I help you?

WOLFGANG
 37

I'd like to see a menu please,

Kevin.

KEVIN
Coming right up sir.

Kevin leaves to get menu, and Wolfgang fidgets with the

silverware. Kevin returns with the menu.

KEVIN
Here you are sir.
(hands menu to Wolfgang)
The specials tonight are...

WOLFGANG
So, you look like you're doing
pretty well here. The place
doesn't look too bad.

KEVIN
No, it's a good job, essentially
the same clientele. Hey Wolfgang,
I'm sorry about going to work for
the competition, but these are my
customers, they know me. Tough
break with the frozen dinner line.
Who could have known? So how are
things going for you?

WOLFGANG
Could be better, but you could
help.

KEVIN
Sure Wolfgang, anything...

WOLFGANG
I want you to help me get the
restaurant back...

KEVIN
Hey Wolfgang, you know I can't
do that.
 38

WOLFGANG
Can't or won't?

KEVIN
I know I owe you, but what you're
asking is unethical. Besides
I like these guys. Look Wolfgang,
if you need some help, just let
me know.

WOLFGANG
Are you still trying to be an
actor Kevin?

KEVIN
You know I am Wolfgang. What's
you're point?

WOLFGANG
I've got connections. I could
make it easy for you.

KEVIN
I don't even want to hear about
it. Are you going to have
something to eat, or not?

WOLFGANG
Yes, I'll have a ceasar salad
and a glass of white zinfandel.

KEVIN
Thank you, Ill be right back with
you're wine sir.
(Kevin turns and
leaves abruptly)

WOLFGANG
Just let me know if you change
your mind, Kevin.
 39

ACT II

INT. OVER THE RAINBOW CASTING. HALLWAY - DAY

We see actors and aspiring actors in the hallway holding copies

of photos and resumes. Most are wearing suits, some are wearing
jeans and t-shirts. We HEAR snippets of conversation about the
roles that are being cast and other films that the hopefuls have
worked on, etc.

Kevin is called.

INT. OVER THE RAINBOW CASTING. AUDITION ROOM - DAY

Previous actor exits, Kevin enters.

Kevin looks great. He's well groomed, fit, and enthusiastic.

He looks like a winner. We see intense confidence in his eyes.
We see the casting agent. This person is very young, not older
than 21. He/she is apathetic, and has an attitude.

CASTING AGENT
Which part are you reading for
me?

KEVIN
{made up name, part is for a
movie. "HERO ON MARS," etc.}

CASTING AGENT
Slate your name.
(raises hand and
lowers it pointing
index finger at Kevin)
And, begin.

Kevin begins his reading. His delivery is passionate and we

feel the power of it. Kevin gives his best.

KEVIN
(monolouge from "HERO ON MARS"}
 40

CASTING AGENT
(interrupting Kevin)
Thank you.

KEVIN
Can I start again?

CASTING AGENT
No.
(with emphasis)
Thank you.

Kevin's reaction is one of mild annoyance and disbelief. He has

just given a winning reading to an incompetant who didn't give
him a fair chance to read. Kevin turns to leave.

INT. PERIMETER CASTING. AUDITION ROOM - DAY

We see Kevin right away, ready for his reading. He looks great.
He's well groomed, fit, enthusiastic, he looks like a winner.
We see intense confidence in his eyes.

We see the casting agent. He appears to be very incompetent and

apathetic. He is much neater than the previous casting agent,
and is overtly gay.
His neatness has a pristine effeminate quality, and boy does
this flaming faggot have an attitude.

Casint agent looks at Kevin with sexual interest and contempt

(it's obvious to him that Kevin is straight). But he has the
power, for the moment at least, and he is determined to let
Kevin know it. He looks Kevin up and down and gives Kevin an
interested stare. Kevin is repulsed by this but restrains his
feelings. Casting agent registers Kevin's reaction and looks
back at him dissapprovingly.

CASTING AGENT
(sarcastically)
So what part are we doing today
Mr. Kevin
(he sucks his teeth)

KEVIN
 41

{made up movie name, "HERO ON

HORSEBACK," etc.}

CASTING AGENT
Begin.

KEVIN
{monolouge from, "HERO ON
HORSEBACK."}

Kevin begins reading. His delivery is passionate and we feel

the power of it. Kevin gives his best. The casting agent
enjoys Kevins reading, and is attracted all the more to him. He
gives Kevin another suggestive look while he is still reading.
Kevin is repulsed by this and cannot restrain his feelings this
time.

CASTING AGENT
(interrupting Kevin)
Thank you.
(giving Kevin a
dissapproving look)

KEVIN
What's wrong.

CASTING AGENT
You're reading was fine. We're
just looking for more of a
BRAD PITT/DANNY DEVITO type.

Kevin is stunned!

INT. BILL WALKER CASTING. AUDITION ROOM - DAY

We see the casting agent behind his desk. There are papers
stacked high on both ends of the desk. He is a balding 58 year
old white male, with what hair he has left slicked back into a
duck-tail. He has a large thick mustache, glasses, and a
cigarette dangling from his mouth. He is wearing a "Memeber's
Only" windbreaker and a fake Rolex. He looks sleazy.
 42

Kevin enters. His confidence is visibly shaken. He still looks

good, but he doesn't stand quite as straight or quite as tall.
his attitude has changed from being one of quiet confidence to
being jaded and cynical.

The casting agent greets him warmly and shakes his hand. He has
a screechy voice. He is cordial and seems to be doing his job,
but his appearance makes us feel that he must be incompetent.
Kevin's attitude toward him mirrors our prejudice.

CASTING AGENT
(shaking Kevin's hand)
I've been looking over your
resume. You've done some pretty
good work. You're background
looks pretty strong.

KEVIN
(sarcastically)
Thank you.

Kevin doesn't believe this guy is competent and neither do we.

CASTING AGENT
(oblivious to Kevin's
sarcasm)
` Let's hear what you've got.

Kevin begins reading. His performance is intentionally off key.

In his opinion this guy couldn't tell the difference between
Harrison Ford and Bobcat Goldthwait.

KEVIN
{monolouge from, Everyday Hero}

Kevin reads without interruption. His performance is so bad

that he tortures us with it. I mean it really stinks. The
casting agent listens fascinated. He really likes it. Kevin
finishes reading.

CASTING AGENT
What did you say you're name
` was kid?
 43

Kevin senses that he has won the audition, when he was really
trying to sabotage it. He looks stunned.

KEVIN
(sheepishly)
Kevin.

CASTING AGENT
You're look is perfect. You're
just what we're looking for.
And you're reading, it was so
full of angst and sarcasm, it
destroys the cliche'. I can't
promise anything, but I think
you've got it kid.

Kevin is completely surprised. We see the confidence returning

to his eyes. His hope and faith in humanity and the universe
are restored.

KEVIN
Thank you.

The casting agent's phone rings.

CASTING AGENT
Excuse me while I get that.

The casting agent picks up the phone. It's STAN the producer.

Oh hi, Stan. Hey look, I just

found this kid, he's perfect.
(cont.)

CASTING AGENT (cont.)

He's... Oh, uh huh... Uh huh...
Yes I know , but... Look Stan...
I'm tellin ya, this is the guy.
You gotta meet him... I can
arrange for you two to have lunch
together. Uh huh... Uh huh...
yeah I know Stan, but... Ok...
You're the boss.
 44

The casting agent hangs up the phone. He turns to face Kevin,

his eyes cast down.

I'm sorry kid. That was the

producer. His nephew's gonna
do it.

Kevin reacts to this. His confidence is beaten once again and

the hope leaves his eyes. He is angry! The casting agent sees
Kevin's dissapointment and tries to console him.

CASTING AGENT
Chin up kid. I like you. Keep
in touch. You never know when
we might have something. Good
luck, huh?

KEVIN
Thank you.

Kevin turns to leave and walks out the door.

INT. BILL WALKER CASTING. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Kevin has just walked out of the audition room. He is hot! He

walks down the hallway to his left. He reaches the end of the
hallway and sees the elevator next to the left of the stairway.
He is on the seventh floor. He looks at the elevator, then the
stairs. He decides to take the stairs down.

We follow Kevein down the stairs to the exit. we show the

entire sequence to show Kevin's anger building.

EXT. BILL WALKER CASTING. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Kevin exits the building to the street. He sees a pay phone

accross the street. His pace quikens. He enters the phonebooth.

INT. PHONE BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER

Kevin removes his wallet from his left hip pocket, and finds the
number on a business card. He removes .35 cents from his right
front pocket, along with a pen, keys, and a ball of lint. He
 45

picks up the receiver and listens for a DIAL TONE. He deposits

the quarter first, then the dime, and listens for the second
DIAL TONE and dials. We hear the phone RINGING, Wolfgang Puck
answers.

WOLFGANG (OS)
(not expecting a
call in the middle
of the day.)
Hello?

KEVIN
Hey Wolfgang, this is Kevin.

This could be cut here. I think the audience understands why

Kevin is calling Wolfgang, but I have continued the scene in
case more explanation is necessary for the audience.

WOLFGANG
Hello Kevin, what can I do for
you?

KEVIN
The last time we spoke you asked
for my help.

WOLFGANG
Yes, I remember.

KEVIN
Do you still want me to help you?

WOLFGANG
Yes, yes I do.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - NIGHT

The restaurant is closed. Kevin is doing his tickets. The PREP

COOK is putting away condiments and utencils. He removes his
apron, hangs on a hook on the wall and walks into the dinning
room where Kevin is using one of the tables as a desk.

PREP COOK
Manana, Senor Kevin.
 46

KEVIN
Good night.
(Kevin waves)

Prep cook exits through front door. We hear the car door of the
Prep Cook's Wife SLAM, and the car drive away. (OS) She has
been waiting for him outside. Kevin finishes the ticket he's
working on, then waits several seconds to make sure the Prep
Cook doesn't return. He walks back into the food prep area, and
enters the walk-in with a rag and a can of acetone visible. He
opens the can and soaks the rag with acetone.

We see the expiration dates, on boxes of steak, chicken, and

hamburger. He wipes the expiration date off of some of the
boxes of steak, chicken, and hamburger. He removes a date stamp
form his apron, sets to an expired date, and re-stamps the
boxes. Kevin puts the date stamp back in his apron, puts the
smelly rag in a plastic sandwich bag, and screws the cap back on
the box of acetone.

He opens the door of the walk-in and peeks out, to make sure
Doug isn't waiting outside, then exits the walk-in, replaces the
can of acetone under the deep-sink, washes his hands, then walks
back into the dinning room. He picks up his tickets, binds the
stack with a rubber band, and brings them to Doug's office. He
hands his tickets to Doug, who turns around to face Kevin, just
barely enough to take the packet of tickets.

KEVIN
I'll see you tommorrow Doug.

DOUG
Ok Kevin, see yah.

Kevin leaves the office, re-enters the dinning room, and exits
through the front door.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - NEXT MORNING

Doug, with clipboard in his hand, is doing inventory. He is

checking quantity on dry-stores goods. He enters walk-in and
checks expiration dates on condiments, milk, fresh fruit,
vegetables, steak, chicken,and hamburger boxes.
 47

He does a double take when he notices the dates on the steak,

chicken, and hamburger boxes. He pauses for a moment, regains
his perspective, and dispatches the offending boxes to the
dumpster.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - LATER THAT DAY

The employees are preparing for the lunch crowd. Max, the
health department official, enters the dinning room. Max tells
BUS BOY to get Doug.

MAX
(to bus boy)
I need to see Doug.

BUS BOY
(hollers to backgroud)
Hey, Senor Doug, someone here
to see you.

DOUG (OS)
I'll be right there.

Doug enters the dinning room and sees Max. Doug recognizes Max
as the health department official, who inspected the restaurant
before it opened. Doug reacts with surprise.

DOUG
(to Max)
Good morning. Is everything
alright?

MAX
Surprise inspection. I need
to see your walk-in.

DOUG
Sure, right this way.

Doug leads Max to the walk-in. Max enters the walk-in first
followed by Doug. Max immediately takes the boxes of meat off
the shelves, stacks the on the floor, and checks the dates on
the boxes. We see the dates on the boxes, and they are current.
 48

MAX
(looking back at
Doug)
Everything seems to be in order.
You can put this away now.

Max steps over the boxes and leaves through the fornt door, in
the dinning room. Doug returns to his office, sits down, picks
up a pencil with his right hand, taps the pencil eraser end down
on the desk repeatedly, and looks up at the wall. On the wall
is a metal time card rack, with all the employee's names on
their respective slots.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - LATE AFTERNOON

It is just before dinner, the restaurant is still closed from

lunch. Katie Custer arrives with her film crew. She enters
through the front door, followed by camera crew and lighting
grips. She approaches the M'AITRED'S, who is at his lectern
preparing for the arrival of dinner guests, and asks for Doug.

KATIE
(to m'aitred)
I'm Katie Custer, can you
let Doug know I'm here?

M'AITRE'D
Yes of course m'am.

Doug walks up before m'aitred has a chance to call him.

DOUG
Hi Katie, thanks for coming.
I prepared the table you requested.

KATIE
Wonderful.

DOUG
Right this way m'am.
(Doug extends his
 49

arm)

KATIE
Thank you.
(Katie takes Doug's
arm)

Doug leads Katie to a large setee, that seats about six adults.

DOUG
Here it is. You can start
getting set up. If you need
anything let me know.

KATIE
Thank you.

DOUG
(turns to leave)

KATIE
(to camera crew)
Let's start getting set up.

Camera crew set's up dollies. Grips set up lights, flags, and

cables. They are preparing to film an episode of Katie's show
"The Best of Southern California."

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS - THAT EVENING

The restaurant is filled with celebs and Katie Custer has

returned, alone, for dinner. Doug walks up to her table to
greet her.

DOUG
Nice to see you again Katie.
I'm glad you could make it back.

Doug notices she is alone.

Are you expecting guests?

KATIE
Actually, I was hoping you'd
 50

join me. Are you busy?

DOUG
Yes, but I'm the boss, so I think
I can take a break.

Doug joins Katie at her booth.

Can I get you anything?

KATIE
I'm fine.

DOUG
I've got a lovely 1970's
white zinfandel in the cellar.
Would you like to share a bottle
with me?

KATIE
That would be delightful!

Katie looks at Doug with interest. Kevin walks past, and Doug
taps him on the shoulder. Kevin turns toward Doug.

DOUG
(to Kevin)
Get us a bottle of the 1970
Berlinger white zinfandel. And
get me some bread.

Kevin nods and leaves.

KATIE
So what did you do before this?
You sure came from nowhere.

DOUG
I was a telemarketer, before I
started this. They had to get
rid of somebody, and they made
a mistake of the sales figures,
so they fired me.
 51

KATIE
How lucky for you.

DOUG
As things turned out, yes. But
you've goty no idea how close
I came to ending up on welfare.

KATIE
Well let's celebrate your good
fortune. So where's the food
you ordered.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS. ANOTHER BOOTH - MOMENTS LATER

Kevin is delivering a bottle of champagne and desert to a couple

of well known and eligible actresses seated together at another
booth. Kevin decides to butter one of them up, while making the
delivery.

KEVIN
(to MS. )
Here's your wine and desert.

Kevin pauses, he attempts to ingratiate himself.

I really enjoyed your last film.

It was the funniest thing I've
ever seen. That bit with the hair
gel.

MS.________
(she turns to Kevin
slowly, with a
threatening look, and
dissmissing him
abruptly)
Thank you, I'll let you know
if I need anything else.

Kevin turns to leave and approaches Doug and Katie with the wine
and bread.

INT. PETBURGER BEVELY HILLS. DOUG AND KATIE'S BOOTH - MOMENTS

 52

LATER

DOUG
(to Kevin)
We've been wondering where
you took off to. Got your
sights set a little high, don't
you.

KEVIN
(to Doug)
Very funny.
(to Katie)
Enjoy to wine m'am.

KATIE
(to Kevin)
Why thank you.

She giggles, having witnessed the foregoing scene. Kevin turns

around with a hurt look in his eyes. He seems almost ready to
cry. She cracks up hysterically. Tears well up in Kevins eyes
and he walks quickly back to the kitchen.

DOUG
Poor Guy.

KATIE
Can you turn the TV on? Our
segment is about to play.

DOUG
Sure. We'll have to go to
the bar.

Doug and Katie get up. Doug grabs the bottle and Katie grabs
the glasses.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS. BAR - MOMENTS LATER

Doug and Katie are seated at a booth in the bar, which is nearly
empty. Doug has the TV remote in his hand.

KATIE
 53

Channel Four.

Doug clicks on the remote and surfs to the correct channel and
turns up the volume. The segment comes right on. Doug and
Katie toast glasses.

KATIE (ON TV)

Our next segment is on the
premiere location of one of
the fastest growing restaurant
chains in southern California.
Albeit with an unusual name,
"Petburger Beverly Hills."

INT. WOLFGANG'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Wolfgang's apartment is small. Wolfgang is sitting on his now

threadbare sofa, in his boxer shorts and t-shirt.
He is eating popcorn and drinking beer. He is watching Katie
Custer's program with his dog, a small grey dachshund, on his
lap. We focus on TV.

KATIE (ON TV)

Our team and I greatly enjoyed
the intimate dinning environment
and the cozy understated decor.
We highly recommend dinning here,
But be prepared to open your
wallets. Dinner for two, with
drinks and tip, will set you back
about $70.00. And come well
dressed. This is an upscale
crowd, with a capital "U." And
now I'd like to introduce you
to the man who has become something
of a celebrity himself, at least
in his own venue, "Doug________."

DOUG (ON TV)

Thank you Katie, for such a
glowing review

KATIE (ON TV)

(to viewers)
 54

The food is wonderful, bring

someone special. It's an experience
you won't soon forget. And don't be
fooled by the funny name.

We see Wolfgang's reaction. He is jealous and enraged. We see

the popcorn basket hit the television, and the dog run yelping.

EXT STREET. OUTSIDE WOLFGANG'S APARMENT BUILDING - NEXT DAY

Wolfgang locks apartment door, walks down cement walkway to

street where his car, an older Jaguar XJ-6, is parked. There is
a parking ticket under his driver's side windshield wiper. Just
as Wolfgang is finding his keys in his pocket, a tow truck puls
up in front of Wolfgang's car and the TOW TRUCK DRIVER starts
hooking it up. Wolfgang gives an exasperated look to the tow
truck driver.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER

Sorry sir, you should have paid
your tickets.

Wolfgang, stunned, says nothing. He watches as tow truck drives

down the street with his car attached. Just as tow truck rounds
the corner, Wolfgang sees a delivery truck with the words "Jim's
Restaurant Supply," on a magnetic sign, on the side. This truck
is distinctive. It has naked lady mud flaps on the real wheels
(or some other distinctive marking).

EXT. STREET – DAY

Wolfgang in taxi to police impound yard to pick up car.

Wolfgang goes in impound yard and drives out with car (green
Jaguar). Shortly after leaving impound yard, he passes the
Burbank Dog Pound. He does a double take when he sees the same
delivery truck, that passed him in the morning. This time, it
is taking deliveries.. This time there is a magnetic sign on
the side that reads “Humane Disposal Industries, inc.” Wolfgang
decides to follow the truck. He does this for several blocks.
Finally the truck left, on a dead-end street. He passes the
street where the truck just turned, parks his car, and walks
back to the corner. He looks down the street and sees “Jim
Carey (look alike)” tossing sacks from the truck into a wood
chipper. “Jim” laughs an evil laugh “(Fire Marshall Bill
 55

laugh).” Wolfgang walks back to his car and waits. He watches

for the truck to leave through the rear view mirror. The truck
leaves the dead end street, and he folows it across town, and
watches as it delivers to several “Pet Burger” restaurants.

MONTAGE Wolfgang follows “Jim’s Restaurant Supply” truck

delivering to “Petburger” restaurant. (This should take up
about three minutes of screen time).

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 56

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 57

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 58

END MONTAGE
INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS – NIGHT

It is Friday evening. An elite dinner crowd is in attendance.

The waiters and waitresses are scurrying about. Champagne
bottles are popping, glasses and silverware are clinking, and
there are exited rumbles of conversation. A guitarist is
playing on a makeshift stage, situated at the end of the dining
area. He is playing classical Spanish guitar. He finishes his
set and walks of the stage to enthusiastic, but reserved
applause. Doug and Carl are both here tonight. They are in
Doug’s office.
 59

Max, the Health Department official, enters. He rapidly

approaches the Maitre’d, shows his identification and demands to
see Doug. The Maitre’d is nervous but composed. He signals one
of the waiters to take over his post, and gestures to Max to
follow him.

MAITRE’D
Right this way sir.

The Maitre’d walks toward Doug’s office, with Max in tow.

MOMENTS LATER…

They arrive at Doug’s office. Carl is in the office with him.

MAITRE’D
(to Doug)
Douglas, this gentleman is here…

MAX
(to Maitre’d,
dismissing him abruptly)
Thanks. I’ll take it from here.
(to Doug)
So nice to see you again Douglas.
(with authority)
You are CLOSED!

DOUG
(stunned)
What are you talking about?

MAX
You disgust me.

Carl shrinks in terror. Max notices this. He also notices the

puzzled look on Doug’s face. He contemplates this for a moment,
then responds to Doug.

MAX
I want this place cleared out.
 60

DOUG
But, everyone’s still eating?

MAX
NOW!

Carl is nearly in the fetal position. Doug is simply paralyzed.

(accepting the situation)

Ok, fine. I’ll do it myself.

Max storms up to the stage, that the guitarist has just vacated.
He holds his badge for the diners to see, and speaks into the
microphone.

Ladies and gentlemen. This

Establishment is now closed by
Order of the Los Angeles County
Health Department.

The diners clap. They think it’s a stand-up routine. They

continue eating.

I’m serious, this place is closed!

Diners laugh, and continue eating.

All of you are going to have to

Leave. This establishment is under
Investigation for serving pets
(food from unapproved sources) in
their restaurants.

DINER
(sarcasticly)
No, you don’t say.

Diners laugh uproariously. They clap, laugh , hoot, etc.

This is the most hysterical thing they’ve ever heard.

Max is redfaced and nearly in tears. Beaten, he leaves the

stage. He returns to Doug’s office, where he sees Carl cower
again. Doug is a little less paralyzed.
 61

MAX
(to Doug)
I want this place cleared out.
If there’s anyone here in an hour,
I’ll have you arrested.

Max leaves. On the way out, he orders Maitre’d not to seat any
more customers.

MOMENTS LATER…

Doug walks to the stage and reluctantly takes the microphone.

DOUG
It seems there’s been a little
Misunderstanding. We’re going
To be closing a little early this
Evening. Dinner’s on us tonight.
Thanks for coming.

The diners finish eating and slowly straggle out. Carl is still
in Doug’s office cowering. Doug turns to Carl.

DOUG
A lot of help you were. Do you
Know anything about this?

Carl gets up and sits in one of the chairs. He sheepishly nods

his head.

CARL
(babbling incoherently)
I’m finished. We’re finished.
We’re all going to jail. What
Are we going to do?

DOUG
What have you done?!…

CARL
You know the hamburger meat we’ve
Been using? I’ve been getting it
from the pound….
DOUG
 62

You what?!

CARL
It's just meat. It usually gets
turned into dog food anyway.
What's the difference?

DOUG
What's the difference?!… What's
the diffenece?!… I'll tell you
what the difference is. We're
all going to jail, that's what's
the difference.

CARL
How else do you think you could
have afforded to keep that first
restaurant open? You couldn't
have made a profit any other way.

DOUG
I could kill you! What are we going
to do? All the restaurants?

CARL
(nods)
Except this one.

DOUG
We have to get rid of all the meat
immediately. Start calling everyone
now! Let's dump the stuff.

Carl hesitates.

DOUG
Let's go!!!

MONTAGE They both start calling all the restaurants frantically.

This takes all night. They reach managers at stores and at
their homes in the middle of the night. We see tons of food
getting dumped. Finally exhausted, Doug and Carl place an order
with "Smart and Final Iris," for new supplies. (This should
take up about three minutes of screen time).
 63

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 64

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 65

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 66

(CONT.)
END MONTAGE

DOUG
That's the last one.

CARL
I hope we were in time.

DOUG
Yeah! Me too.

INT. PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS – LATER THAT MORNING

Max and his team from the Health Department are finishing the
inspection. The team leader hands his report to Max, who
studies it momentarily.

MAX
(to Doug)
I don't understand it. This
place is as clean as a whistle.
Everything seems to be in order
here. In fact it's exceptional.
I'm tempted to bring My family
here. I'm sorry sir. It
appears you've been the victim of
a hoax. You're free to reopen.
I'm very sorry.

Max very puzzled, leaves. Carl enters kitchen, where Doug is

working.

DOUG
 67

Good news. we can reopen.

CARL
No we can't…

DOUG
What do you mean? Aren't we
using legitimate supplies?!
What's the problem?

CARL
The problem is we can't afford
to pay what they're charging us.
(cont.)
CARL (cont.)
We'll be broke in a matter of months.
Besides, I've been getting calls
from a number of the stores. Our
customers notice the difference.
Apparently our customers don't
like the taste of beef as well as,
as well as, what they've been getting.

DOUG
So what are we supposed to do?
Go back to the pound again. I'm
sure they have it staked out. Is
that what you're suggesting?

CARL
No. Not exactly.

MONTAGE (ROUND-UP SCENE) (This should take up about 10 minutes

of screen time).

EXT. STREET – BEVERLY HILLS – DAY

Doug and Carl are riding together in a dog catcher's truck.

Carl is driving. They are wearing Department of Animal Control
uniforms. They park the truck at the end of a street. Get out
with nets and round up stray dogs and cats. These are cute
animals. They do this for several block, stop, and look at each
other, then look at the truck. It's obvious to them that
they're not going to get enough, the way they're going.
 68

Carl walks up to a gated yard, opens the gate and removes the
family pet, and puts it in the truck. Doug does likewise on the
other side of the street. They're beginning to pick up speed.
They've managed to fill the truck, on just one street. We then
see the truck delivering it's cargo to "Jim" at his wood
chipper. Everyone's back in business!

Doug and Carl repeat this procedure on several more streets.

This is getting easier, and they're getting good at it.

Doug and Carl are getting bolder. They're taking pets that are
tied up at the beach and offering to walk dogs, for pretty
bikini clad beach bunny's.

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)

Doug and Carl are really picking up the pace. While the
personal approach was fun, it simply isn't meeting their needs.

They decide to take the operation into the big leagues. They
start robbing pet shops, in the middle of the night. They rob
the dog pounds in outlying cities.

PARALLEL EDITING

INT. WOLFGANG PUCK'S APARTMENT – DAY

We see a news program on Wolfgang's television about the rash of

animal thefts in the city. We see Wolfgang on his couch,
watching the news, and hear him call for his dog. Wolf Gang
calls, but his dog doesn't come.

WOLFGANG
WEINERSCHNITZEL. Weinerschnitzel.
Come on boy.
(looking around his
living room, unable to
find his dog)
Weinerschnitzel???

END PARALLEL EDITING

 69

We see the entrance to the LA Zoo from a distance. We see a

large tractor-trailer rig pulling up to one of the gates. We
then see Ducks, Geese, Monkeys, Water Buffalo, and all sorts of
exotic animals being herded up a ramp into the back of the
tractor-trailer rig, by a man in a white Zoo Worker's uniform.
We then see a Bear, a Lion, a Tiger, and an Elephant being
herded up the Ramp. We see Doug get out of the drivers side of
the truck in the same white Zoo Worker's uniform, holding a
"Tommy Gun." With a tear in his eye (to maintain his
likeability), he briskly walks up to the rear of the rig, and
points the business end of the "Tommy Gun" into the open rear-
gate of the rig, and empties the magazine into the herd of
animals. We don't see the animals being shot. All we see is
the outside of the rig, with Doug firing into it. What we do
get, is to hear the roars of the Lions, Tigers, and Elephants as
they scream their death screams, and we hear the thud of their
enormous weight dropping to the floor of the rig. We then see
the other man in the Zoo Worker's uniform close the gate of the
rig, and the rig drive off screen.
MONTAGE (CONT.)

(Who is this other man?) (Is this Carl? Do we need Carl here,
or would it be better to have Carl minding the restaurant?)
(Could this other man be The ZOO KEEPER, or a ZOO WORKER, that
was bribed by Doug or Carl?)

We now see an outside shot of Marine Land San Diego. We see

stock footage of Shamu the Killer Whale being lifted by a crane.
 70

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 71

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 72

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 73

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 74

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 75

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 76

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 77

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 78

END MONTAGE
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 79

(CONT.)
MONTAGE (CONT.)
 80

END MONTAGE
INT PETBURGER BEVERLY HILLS – BAR – NIGHT

Doug and Carl are sitting at a booth in the bar eating, watching
an episode of Katie Custer's show, showing the Petburger
Restaurants doing land-office business and opening more stores.
This is interrupted by a news-flash reporting the daring
midnight theft of Shamu the whale.

NEWS ANNOUNCER
This just in. The owners of Sea
World have just reported the theft
of one of their star performers,
 81

also the largest, Shamu the whale.

(in hushed disbelief)
This can't be right! Our director
has just confirmed, the copy is
correct! Shamu the whale has been
stolen from Sea World, in a daring
midnight robbery. A security guard
questioned recalls hearing a helicopter
flying overhead during the night.

What could possibly be the motive

for such a daring midnight robbery?
Report at 11:00!

The News Announcer cuts to a commercial.

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
FOR PETBURGER RESTAURANTS

We brought you the Kitty Burger, the

Baby Seal Burger. Now for a limited
time only Petburger Restaurants brings
you the killer whale burger. And with
Killer Whale Meal Deal, you'll receive
a free Captain Ahab action figure complete
with whale boat and harpoon. Captain
Ahab action figure also comes with a
realistic detachable wooden leg.

CUT TO

TV family in restaurant (MOM, DAD, LITTLE SISTER, and OLDER

BROTHER, who is only slightly older and very bratty). Older
Brother is playing with action figure and reciting lines from
Melville's Moby Dick
OLDER BROTHER

I'll strike at you from the heart

of Hell. I'll not be denied my
revenge you accursed whale.

Older Brother giggles in a likeable, but slightly sinister way.

The entire family starts to giggle in response.
 82

We now see individual family members each eating their own

killer whale burger (Ahab's Revenge) and enjoying it.

Doug walks up to the television set, obviously having seen all

of this and unceremoniously turns it off. Doug is so jaded now
by everything that's happened, that this doesn't even affect him.

Doug sits back down at his booth in the bar to finish his meal.
Carl has left. The Maitre'd approaches Doug with Katie Custer
in tow.

MAITRE'D

Douglas, this lovely lady said

she just had to see you. How
could I refuse someone so lovely?

DOUG
(to Katie)
Katie, what a pleasant surprise!
Please join me.
(to Maitre'd)
Thank you.
(Maitre'd leaves)

(to Katie)
What brings you here tonight?

KATIE
You've been doing so well, and I
just wanted to see you again. I
hope you don't mind?

DOUG
No, not at all. I'm glad you
came.

KATIE
I was hoping we could interview
you again. Your restaurants have
been growing tremendously, since
the last time we interviewed you.
 83

You're just such a success story.

DOUG
Let me think about it, ok?

KATIE
Ok, but don't think too long, ok?
The show's going on hiatus for the
next couple of weeks and I'm taking
some time off. I'm going to be
staying in Santa Barbara, and I was
hoping you'd come with me.

DOUG
Katie, I'd really love too, but
things are just real crazy around
here right now.

KATIE
That's not a brush-off, is it Doug?

DOUG
Uh, no. Don't take it like that.
I think you're gorgeous, and I'm
crazy about you. I just can't
tear myself away right now.

KATIE
Ok Doug, but don't keep a girl
waiting too long.

Maitre'd seats two gentlemen next to Doug & Katie's table. One
of them is the Comic who originally suggested the Petburger name.

COMIC
(points to Doug)
Hey, you're the guy.

DOUG
No, it's my evil twin.
(Comic laughs)
COMIC
You've done very well for yourself.
I'm very happy for you. Who's
 84

the lovely lady?

DOUG
Oh, this is a friend of mine.

COMIC
Oh, right. I know who you are.
The restaurant critic.
(shakes her hand)

(to Doug)
You're a lucky guy. I'm sorry
I can't remember your name.

DOUG
It's Doug.

COMIC
I'm really sorry.

DOUG
Don't worry about it.

COMIC
(to Doug)
I'd like to introduce you to
someone.
(pointing to the other
person seated with him)
This is Mel. He's the Executive
VP at TANTAMOUNT Studios, where I
tape my show.

DOUG
Pleased to meet you.
(shakes his hand)

MEL
The pleasures mine.
(waves at Katie)
Nice to see you again.
 85

KATIE
(waves back)
Hi Mel.

A conversation ensues, that's warm and enthusiastic. More wine

is ordered. Their tables are pulled together and a couple of
miscellaneous celebs join Comic and Mel. Everyone has a girl.

EXT NORTHBOUND US101/PCH/EL CAMINO REAL - THE SCENIC STRETCH

BETWEEN VENTURA AND CARPENTERIA - MORNING

Doug and Katie in Katie's convertible arm-in-arm on the way to

Santa Barbara. They kiss, and drive off into the Horizon. Doug
did decide to go with her after all.

EXT STREET - TRAFFIC DAY

Second man from zoo is driving tractor-trailer rig and is

stopped at a red light. Trailer is loaded with all kinds of
exotic animals. Tractor overheats and radiator springs a leak.
the engine has to be shut down. The light is still red. Second
man shuts engine down, closes door to cab, and walks away as if
to call for a tow truck. CU: His wallet falls on the ground.
Light changes to green, and vehicles stuck behind disabled rig
BLAST HORNS. Horns get louder, more constant and become a
frenzy.

MOMENTS LATER …

A motorcycle cop, heading in the opposite direction, crosses

intersection, makes a U-turn, turns on strobe lights, and drives
between cars to reach stricken rig. Cop parks bike behind rig,
strobe lights still flashing, then walks to front of rig, with
one hand on pistol, looks inside cab. Cop sees no one inside
cab, opens cab door, and turns on emergency flashers. Cop with
hand still on pistol, walks to back of rig, hears NOISES inside
rig, and carefully opens gate, which is held closed, only by
twisted wire in the handle, which cop cuts with wire cutters on
a multi-tool. Gate flies open, knocking cop down. A heard of
exotic, animals, giraffes, elephants, lions, tigers, rhinoceros,
zebras, etc., stampede out of the back of rig, (like Jumanji,
investigate stock footage). Stampede wreaks havoc with traffic,
cars cannot move, people roll up windows, hoods of cars are
 86

being crushed, "but no one gets hurt." Health department

official Max Oppenheimer witnesses all of this while getting a
haircut across street. Commotion dies down, cop regains
consciousness and returns to his feet. He looks back toward
cab, and sees fallen wallet still on ground, and walks over to
pick it up.