Established January 2009. Like a serious newspaper.
April
The Pittiful News
The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University
Pitt sophomore
behind weather
By: Caitlin Kempf
Staff Writer
Psychologists at the University of
Pittsburgh are trying to verify the
theory that Pitt sophomore, Jenna
Nimbus, controls the weather with
her emotions.
Counseling Center intern, Chris
Reed, told the Pittiful News that he
first heard about Jenna last Febru-
ary, during the Snowpocalypse. “I
was doing a chart review for class,
when I noticed that she had spiraled
into a terrible depression at exactly
the time the blizzard began. And she
came out of it just when the snow
stopped. I know—I talked to her
RA to verify,” says Chris.
After that, Chris, a psychology ma-
jor/meteorology minor, took to fol-
lowing Jenna around campus. “It
was like every tear she cried fell also
from the sky.”
Chris didn’t have enough evidence
to bring this case to light until last
week’s storms. She’d been having an
on-and-off relationship with her boy-
friend from home (which Chris claims
is the cause behind the fluctuating
spring temperatures). Friday after-
noon, Jenna was officially dumped,
and then came the hail. And torna-
do.
Jenna has been meeting with her
psychiatrist to keep her mood under
control, but it isn’t foolproof. More
storms are likely in the near future.
“I’m excited to be talking about
this,” says Chris. “But I’m con-
cerned that when the government
catches wind of this, they’ll sue her
for damages or something.”
The Pittiful News tried to reach
Jenna for comment, but it was snow-
ing at the time of publication, and
the editors were concerned about
what condition Jenna would be in.
of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 18 2011
1
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Crisis in Middle East deepens and spreads
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief
that NATO, and, for that some purchases at Rite Aid,
matter, the United States just to double-check some
The situation in Libya is maintain their position in facts. Sorry about putting
not running as smoothly as Libya. this in an important story,
many would have hoped. “With the uprisings in but I know I’ll read my own
NATO recently took full Egypt, Syria, and Libya, it is writings, and then that’ll
control over the situation, imperative that these coun- remind me. Otherwise, I’ll
which, up to a recent point, tries be shown that a dicta- forget. I can’t figure out how
had been chiefly under Unit- torship cannot stay in place. to leave a memo on my
ed States control. A lack of involvement at phone, otherwise I’d do that.
The situation is complicat- such a critical phase could be There’s a lot of things I can’t
ed, with intentions not being destructive to progress in the figure out with my new-
exactly as clear as they region,” said that anonymous fangled phone. I can take
should be. Although the mis- person. “I’m not advocating down all those green pig bas-
sions in the civil-war- what happened, but I will tards, but I can’t call my
wracked country are stated say at this point, it’s too late mom. iPhone? They should
as being strictly humanitari- to pull out.” c a l l i t t h e
an, it has also been stated Speaking of being too late iCan’tPhoneAnyone.
that one of the goals is, in to pull out, I have to make
Crisis, Page 2
fact, to remove Gadhafi from
power.
Not only that, but the
White House has stated that
the United States can in fact
carry out this goal.
“Does the United States
have the capacity to unilater-
ally with military force pro-
duce regime change in Libya
or another country?” asked
White House spokesperson
Jay Carney. “It probably
does. We probably do.”
Military action in Libya
has been criticized recently,
mainly due to a conception
that the United States may
be getting into a third war,
with the wars in Afghanistan
and Iraq still occurring. This
is especially a point of criti-
cism directed at Obama,
who, in his campaigns, advo-
cating ending the already
occurring conflicts.
Some unidentified spokes-
persons, though, are main-
taining, that, especially in
the wake of massive political
Veteran actor Sean Connery passed away yesterday. Haha, April
shifts in the Middle East, Fools! He can never die!
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

What is your sign saying? Middle-east scarier than Middle Earth

By: Tim Horn
Staff Writer
Aries (March 21-April 19):
Today would be a really bad
day to tickle Elmo.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Today, you will meet the
woman of your dreams.
Tomorrow is when you will
realize that she wasn’t born
that way…
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You will read a completely
pointless horoscope today.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Today, you will not pass Go
and will not collect $200
Leo (July 23-August 22):
Remember that chick I
mentioned Taurus picking
up? That’s your girlfriend.
Virgo (August 23-September
22): A day like today favors
the bold and brave. Sadly,
you do not fit the mold by
any stretch of the imagina-
tion. Stay inside and watch
QVC.
Libra (September 23-October
22): Expand your mind.
Seriously. Stop making fart
jokes.
Scorpio (O ctober 23 -
November 21): Explore
your deepest inner desires.
Well, except for the one
about Grandma. That’s just
gross.
Sagittarius (November 22-
December 21): Today is just
a bad day to pour gasoline
on yourself. Not that you
should be doing it anyway,
but still…
Capricorn (December 22-
January 19): When life
gives you lemons, make lem-
onade. Unfortunately, your
lemonade today will taste
like s#*t.
Aquarius (January 20-
February 18): Today will be
a day full of interesting ad-
ventures. Notice I didn’t
say they would be pleasant
ones.
Pisces (February 19-March
20): Today is the perfect
day for you to challenge the
norms of society. After all,
every village needs an idiot.
Crisis, Page 1
But, I digress. Where was I…
sorry. Um…right, right, Middle
East.
So, basically we want to send in
just air strikes right now. I think
that’s right. Cindy’s nodding from
across the room, so I know it’s
right. Cindy’s my secretary. See,
our organization is gonna be fund-
raising soon, so I figured that I’d
make some advance movements,
bolster our quality.
Anyway, air-strikes. Air-strikes
are coordinated attacks using on-
ly aerial forces. The Obama ad-
ministration is using this fact as a
chief distinction between the Lib-
ya conflict and the ground inva-
sion of Iraq. Although personally,
I think that Obama should just
invade. Or maybe nuke them. But
my opinion doesn’t matter; you’re
here for the facts.
And the facts are that the en-
tire world is screwed up and the
only way to deal with it is to blow
the place up. Wait, Cindy’s telling
me that that’s not a fact. Sorry,
opinion. Maybe I should write an
opinion column instead…no one
wants to read opinions in a low-
budget paper like this, though,
that’s like a hipster telling you
what to do. I could get a job at
the Pitt News. Wait, no, too late
for that. Besides, the only useful
information I know is the history
of vibrators, but they already
published that.
I’m losing my word-count. Lib-
ya’s a mess, the regime needs to
be armed…Cindy’s right, the re-
bels, the rebels, how do I always
forget this, the rebels are the good
guys, they want to blow up the
Death Star, that’s the good side.
Okay. Now you’re informed on
Libya.
I would have gone on to detail
other countries, but I’m out of
space, so I won’t. I’m sure noth-
ing syrias was going on there any-
way.

The Pittiful News

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