CENTER FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

SHYNESS
Whatever the causes of shyness in a
child, it is a behavior that parents
must not ignore. Shyness can be
very painful for a child to live with,
and it can have negative effects on
other aspects of a child's life.
These negative effects can follow a
child into adulthood, too. For
example, many shy children develop
low self esteem and lack self
confidence. This can make it very
Shyness is something that all people
difficult for shy children to make
experience at one time or another.
friends. Also, many shy children are
In most cases it is a normal,
so quiet that they don't receive the
temporary behavior. In children,
help they need from teachers at
some shyness is normal, especially
school, which may result in school
when they are around 5-6 months of
performance that is not as good as it
age, and then again at about two
could be.
years of age. Shyness at these ages
is considered a normal part of
Fortunately, shyness is often not a
development.
difficult problem to correct. Its
solution does, however, take a strong
Shyness becomes a problem in a
commitment from parents.
child when it interferes with
relationships with other people, with
Why Children Become Shy
social situations, school, and/or
other important aspects of a child's
As mentioned earlier, shyness can
life. Problems with shyness are
have many different causes. There
usually evident by the time a child
may be a specific cause for shyness
reaches three years of age.
in some children, while in others
shyness may occur for a number of
Shyness, which can be defined as a
different reasons. Here are some of
fear of, or withdrawal from, other
the reasons why children become
people or social situations, can have
shy:
many different causes depending on
the individual child and the specific
*Difficulty with frequent exposure
circumstances.
to new situations. Children, of

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 1
course, don't have the life disinterested in their children's lives
experience that adults do. For this for a number of reasons. For
reason, children are frequently example, parents may mistakenly
exposed to new situations. Some believe that they will promote
children have trouble coping with independence in their children if
new situations, and tend to withdraw they let their children fend for
as a result. themselves. Others simply may not
have the time or the desire to be
*Heredity. Some research has very involved in their children's lives.
shown that shyness runs in families. Whatever the reason, decreased
It has not been determined if parental involvement can lead
shyness that runs in families is children to believe that they are not
genetic in cause, or if it is due to worthy of others' attention. This
learning. will in turn affect social
relationships. Children who do not
*Inconsistent parenting. Some believe that other people are
shyness may be caused by parenting interested in them will probably feel
practices that are not consistent, very uncomfortable in social
for example, punishing for a specific situations.
behavior one day, and then letting it
slide by the next, being overinvolved *Lack of experience in social
with a child some of the time, and situations. Children may become shy
uninvolved at other times. because they have not yet learned
Inconsistency makes children feel how to effectively take part in social
insecure, which can lead to shyness. situations. Thus, when exposed to
social situations, these frightened
*Too much threatening, teasing, or children may withdraw.
criticism. Children who are
frequently threatened, teased or *Low self-esteem or negative
criticized, either by family members opinion of oneself. Children who
or by other people may learn to have low opinions of themselves
expect only negative feedback from expect other people to feel the same
others. This expectation will lead to way, too. This belief can lead to shy
the avoidance of social situations and behavior.
contact with other people.
*Lack of parental involvement. *Overprotective parents. Children
Some parents may seem who are overprotected by their

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 2
parents often don't have the social situations, and therefore avoid
opportunity to be independent them. Because of this difficulty in
socially. Because of this, these making friends, shy children are
children often lack the confidence often lonely.
needed to make decisions for
themselves. Such children are often *Difficulty sticking up for oneself.
insecure, which can then cause Many shy children have trouble
shyness. asserting themselves. As a result,
they are often taken advantage of
*Modeling or learned behavior. by peers, or talked into doing things
Because children learn from that they don't want to do.
watching their parents, parents who
are shy often have children who are *Others may see shy children as
shy. Shy adults may have few aloof or stuck up. Peers may
friends or social interests, thus misinterpret shyness as disinterest
their children have difficulty or aloofness. As a result, shy
learning how to make friends and children may be avoided by peers.
how to behave socially.
*Difficulties with effective
*Shy temperament. Some children communication. Because shy
seem shy almost from birth. children often avoid other people
Sometimes these shy babies grow and social situations, they often
into being shy children. don't learn effective communication
skills. Because they lack
The Negative Effects of Shyness communication skills, shy children
often have difficulty relating to
Shyness can affect children's lives other people.
in many different ways, and these
effects can last throughout life. *Difficulty expressing emotions.
Shy children have often not learned
*Difficulty making and maintaining how to adequately express
friendships. Friendships are a very themselves. Because of this, shy
important part of children's children often bottle up their
emotional development. Many shy emotions.
children do not have the social skills
necessary to make friends. Many *Shyness may lead to problems in
shy children, too, are fearful of school. Shy children are often

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 3
reluctant to ask for help from their Starting when their children are
teachers when they need it. Because young, parents should introduce
of this, questions shy children may their children to many different
have often go unanswered. people, activities, and social
situations. Parents can do this in
Prevention many ways. For example, parents can
enroll their children in play groups
Shyness in children, in many cases, and other activities involving
can be prevented. Here are some different people, starting when they
things that parents can do. are very young.

*Teach social skills. Parents should *Don't label children as shy or

begin teaching their children while allow anyone else to. Parents
they are very young how to behave in should avoid calling their children
social situations. Parents should help shy, because such children may live
their children learn how to make and up to their parents' expectations.
maintain friendships. Parents can Children who are labeled as shy by
also teach their children appropriate their parents or others may begin to
social behaviors, such as saying see themselves as shy, and may come
please and thank-you, introducing to believe that there is little than
oneself to others, etc. Parents can be done about their shyness. It
should also make an effort to praise is best for parents not to try to
their children when they exhibit explain their children's bashfulness
appropriate social behaviors. to others. However, if parents feel
that they must explain their
*Model non-shy behaviors. Parents children's quietness and bashful
should try to be good role models of behavior to others, they can say
non-shy behaviors. As mentioned something like, "Joey needs time to
before, shy parents often have shy get used to new people. He'll feel
children. Parents, therefore, must like talking a little later." Parents
let their children see them making should also not allow other adults,
social contacts, expressing siblings, or other children to label
themselves, and interacting with the child as shy. If labeling happens,
others. parents should intervene.

*Expose children to many different *Help children feel capable.

people and social situations. Parents should take every

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 4
opportunity to help their children mistrust of others. For this reason,
feel important, capable, and parents should work hard to
adequate. Such feelings, when establish a trusting relationship with
instilled in children, enhance their children. Consistency, honesty,
self-esteem. Parents can do this in and openness are all important parts
many ways. They can give their of a trusting relationship. Parents
children responsibilities such as should try to be consistent in their
chores. Parents should make sure actions toward their children so they
that the tasks assigned are know what to expect from their
challenging, but well within their parents. Broken promises and
children's capabilities. Parents can inconsistent behavior can hurt
also encourage their children to trusting relationships. Parents
make decisions. This can be done in should also be open and honest with
many ways. For example, even very their children, for children are very
young children can decide what to perceptive and can sense when
wear when given a choice out of two information is being withheld or
outfits. As children get older, they when they are being lied to.
can make more and more decisions Furthermore, trust is a reciprocal
for themselves. However, parents relationship; parents must learn to
should make sure that they are trust their children so their children
always available to help when needed. will learn to trust them.

*Provide lots of love, affection and *Teach effective communication.

attention. Children thrive when Learning how to communicate with
they feel loved and cared for by other people is an important skill for
their parents. Parents should take children to have. It builds
every opportunity to show their confidence and self-esteem. Parents
children that they are loved. This should start early by talking to their
can be done through both words and children frequently, and teaching
actions. Love and affection are best their children how to express their
given freely, not conditionally. feelings (even anger) appropriately.
Therefore, parents must make sure Since children learn a lot about
that their children know that they communication by watching their
will always be loved, no matter what parents, parents should try to set a
they do or say. good example, too, by expressing
*Build a trusting relationship. A themselves appropriately. Parents
part of shyness in children can be should also create opportunities for

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 5
their children to feel comfortable steps. Parents must take care to
talking to them about issues of give their children time to approach
concern. each new situation at their own pace.

*Provide adequate, appropriate *Be careful not to reinforce

discipline. Discipline provides shyness. Parents who pay too much
structure in children's lives. It attention to or punish their
allows children to learn which children's shy behavior may end up
behaviors are acceptable and which reinforcing it. Instead of trying to
are not. Appropriate discipline also get shy children to speak or
helps children learn what to expect punishing children for exhibiting
from their parents and the world shyness, parents should try not to
around them, and as a result, overreact. They should remain calm
appropriate discipline helps children and treat shyness matter-of-factly.
feel secure. Parents must be careful
not to discipline excessively. Any *Don't tease or let other family
punishment should be appropriate members tease shy children.
for the behavior being punished. Teasing, even if no harm is meant by
Children who are disciplined too it, can do serious harm to children's
severely often feel that they have self-esteem. Children who are
no control over their lives, and this frequently teased may withdraw
loss of control may result in shyness. from others to avoid being teased.
Parents should be careful not to
Intervention tease their children and not to let
others do so, either.
Sometimes despite the best efforts
on the part of parents, children *Don't let shy children isolate
become shy. Here are some things themselves. Since shy children are
that parents can do to help their so often uncomfortable around other
children overcome shyness. people, they have a tendency to
withdraw from others and as a result
*Encourage changes slowly. Any spend a lot of time alone. Parents
teaching parents do to help their should not allow their shy children to
children overcome shyness should spend long periods of time alone.
involve gradual steps. Parents should Instead, parents can encourage their
ease their children into learning children's friendships, encourage
non-shy behaviors, teaching in small activities with others, and praise

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 6
their children for their attempts at children to respond when someone
being sociable. speaks to them, or to participate in
normal social activities. Parents
*Don't speak for shy children. Shy should make sure their expectations
children need to learn to speak for for their children are neither too
themselves, and they can only do this high nor too low, keeping in mind
if they are given the chance. their children's ages and their
Parents who answer questions for individual personalities.
and speak for their shy children may
reinforce shy behavior. *Desensitize shyness. Parents
should take steps to expose their
*Praise non-shy behaviors and children to other people and
advances. When children take steps situations that usually elicit shyness.
to overcome their shyness, parents Parents should be very careful to do
should provide ample amounts of this slowly and gradually, and to
praise. Behaviors that are rewarded offer lots of support. To help their
with a smile, a pat on the back, or a children prepare for such situations,
good word are more likely to be parents can practice behaviors and
repeated. Parents should remember responses with their children before
to focus on their children's attempting the real thing.
improvements, not their failures.
Parents shouldn't criticize, nag or *Encourage and teach responsibility
threaten their children when they and independence. Many shy
act shy, nor should they force them children have learned to be too
to do things that they aren't ready dependent on their parent(s) or
to do. Instead, parents should other adults in their lives. Children
provide opportunities for their who are overly dependent are often
children to socialize and encourage reluctant to take the risks involved
them to do so, but should respect in making friends and taking part in
their children's feelings if situations social activities. Parents must start
become overwhelming. early and provide their children with
responsibilities that are within their
*Don't expect too much or too child's capabilities. Responsibilities
little from children. While parents help children feel capable. Parents
shouldn't expect their children to must also take steps to teach their
always be outgoing and talkative, it is children to be independent. This
not asking too much to expect does not mean that parents should

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 7
require their children to behave like have to give in to peer pressure.
adults. Independence comes in They can refuse to do things that
gradual steps. Parents can they don't want to do. Parents
encourage independence in their should teach their children how to
children by letting them do things behave in an assertive manner and
for themselves when they are able then leave it to them. They should
to, by encouraging them to make avoid fighting their children's
decisions, and by encouraging them battles for them.
to solve their own problems. Again,
parents should keep in mind their *Encourage involvement in activities
children's ages and ability levels. It where children can excel. Parents
is a great boost for self-esteem should help their children find
when children see themselves as activities, such as sports or hobbies,
responsible and independent. at which they can excel. Being able
to do something well is an excellent
*Practice and role play non-shy booster for self-esteem. Parents
behaviors. Parents can help their should be careful not to force their
children practice non-shy behaviors children, though, to participate in
by role playing. Parents can play the activities in which they are not
part of a peer or classmate, and interested.
children can practice, for example,
starting a conversation, asking to be *Communicate with children's
included in a game, etc. Another way teacher(s) and/or school. Parents,
to role play is role reversal. Parents being careful not to label their
can play the part of the shy child, children as shy, should discuss the
and the shy child can play the part situation with their children's
of a non-shy peer or classmate. teacher and other school personnel.
Practicing non-shy behaviors helps Parents should enlist their children's
give children the confidence needed teacher's assistance in discouraging
to engage in these behaviors in real shy behaviors and encouraging
life situations. appropriate social behaviors.

*Teach assertiveness. Parents *Set up a reward system. Parents

should teach their children how to can set up a reward system to
ask for the things that they want. encourage their children to behave
Teaching assertiveness also involves in nonshy ways. Specific behaviors
showing children that they do not should be selected, for example,

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 8
inviting a friend over to play, self-talk aimed at convincing
responding when an adult speaks to children that they are not shy. For
them, making eye contact, etc. example, when a shy child gets up
Children and parents should make a the courage to ask a friend over to
chart and hang it in the home. When play, he or she can say to himself
non-shy behaviors occur, it should be something like, "I'm not shy. I can
recorded on the chart (for example talk to people and make friends."
by using a sticker, drawing a smiley Shy children often believe that
face, etc.) When a certain amount there is nothing they can do about
of the targeted behaviors have their shyness; that it is a part of
occurred (a number decided upon by their personalities that will not
parents and children), a reward change. Parents should use positive
should be given. Rewards should be self-talk to help teach their children
decided upon by children and parents that this is not true.
together. Parents should keep in
mind that material rewards such as
toys or candy don't work as well as
non-material rewards such as Center for Effective Parenting
activities. Some examples of Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580
NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
effective rewards include being
allowed to stay up an hour past www.parenting-ed.org
regular bedtime, going to the park to
play, going on a picnic with the
family, etc.

*Teach positive self-talk. Positive

self-talk is saying positive things
about one's self to one's self.
Positive self-talk is a very powerful
tool for children to have. The more
children repeat good things about
themselves to themselves, the more
likely they will be to actually believe
them and incorporate the positive
feelings that go along with them.
With regard to shy children, parents
can teach them to use positive

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences
Artwork by Scott Snider
©1997, 2006 Page 9