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TopMasala “Santa Banta” Jokes

Santa Singh as a software engineer!
What will Santa do if he gets the following error message?
FILE NOT FOUND!
To find out scroll down
.
.

Painful pinch!
As the crowded elevator descended, Banta's wife, Preeto, became increasingly furious with Banta, who was
delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous girl.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the girl suddenly whirled, slapped Banta, and said, "That will
teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Banta was halfway to the parking lot with Preeto when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Preeto, consolingly, "I did."
sardar ji in a quiz contest...

Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest ->
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116 B) 99 C) 100 D) 150
Sardar says "I will skip this"
2) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY B) SEPTEMBER C) OCTOBER D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public
3) Which of these was King George VI first name?

A) EDER B) ALBERT C) GEORGE D) MANOEL
Sardar asks for lucky cards
4) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD B) KANGAROO C) PUPPY D) RAT #Sardar gives up.
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then please check the answers below:
#1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The October revolution is celebrated in November
3) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
4) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies
now tell me who's the dumb one.Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again

The Suicide Bomber

Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His
leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?
Boss: Wait for more.
Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 150 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.
Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest!
Java Interview attended by our Banta Singh

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?

A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?

A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?

A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?

A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads?

A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Q. What is JAR file ?

A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?

A. I will give invitation.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?

A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?

A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
Some Santa and Banta Jokes

Some Santa and Banta Jokes
In UK, Santa & Banta saw a poster

at a Police station: Two White
men wanted for Rape.
Santa: These bloody goraas always get the best jobs!!
Santa and Banta were watching bungee jumping.

Santa: Wanna try it?
Banta: No way. I was born because of

broken rubber & I don't wanna die because of it.
Three men discussing wives.
1st says my wife is very cold. 2nd says mine is very hot.
Santa: I'm confused. I think shes is cold but people say she's hot.
Santa & Banta - Dumb & Dumber

Santa & Banta doing what they do best!
Santa: I have swallowed a key.

Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too
Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?
Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.
A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesnâ€™t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.
Two days of power cuts in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where
families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators!
Santa Banta jokes

1) Ek SARDAR INDIAN FLAG LENE SHOP PAR GAYA.
FLAG DEKHKAR SARDAR KUCH BOLA

JISE SUNKAR SHOPKEEPER PARESHAN HO GAYA..
GUESS WOH KYA BOLA.....
IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO
2) SARDAR: AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA

2ND SARDAR: wo kaise?
1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya.
3) SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ?
2ND- Gold ring de de
1ST- koi badi cheez bata
2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de

4) A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it
& said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
5) Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..??

So..
santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is Jayanti..
6) Banta: you cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!
7) Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?

A: He wanted to see butterfly!
what is the cube of 13?

Its : SUROOR
wandaring how?
thats bcoz....
TERA * TERA * TERA = SUROOR
9) ek aadmi k 6 fingers thi,use log hanuman bulate the...batao kyon?

kyonki uska naam hanuman tha..
10) who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad?

..........sita with ravan
11) what did the kangaroo say when she found her baby missing?
.Aaila!!!!! kisne mera pocket maar liya
12) wht do u call a really colourful tamilian???

Ans: Rangamannar rangrajan
13) n elephant falls in luv wid n ant.but Antâ€™s parents r against their marrigeâ€¦guess y??

they gave a solid reasonâ€¦**Ladke k dant bahar hai**
14)ones sardarji saw a very soni kudi in the market & thought..
â€¦â€¦kash k ye meri maa hondi to main v inna sona honda..
15) Full form of MATHS????

Mentally Affected Teacher Harassing Studentsâ€¦
16) what wud u call a girl who never laughs??

Ans: hasina
Sardars entry in the..

Sardars entry in the heaven
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate DharamRaj told him that new rules were
in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
DharamRaj said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your
answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
DharamRaj lets him in without another word.

Son to sardarji:
Son to sardarji: Today I ran behind the bus and saved Rs 3.
Sardarji to son: You fool, if you would have ran behind an auto, you could have saved Rs 30!!!.
Ek Sardarji apni biwi ka..

Ek Sardarji apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli chamki, badal garje, jor se
baarish shuru ho gayi.
Sardar bola: Lagta hai pahunch gai.
Sardar r really innocent

Once a Sadarji came home with his left forehead bleeding his wife asked him what had happened.
He replied "there was a nail in the window of the bus that pricked me each time the bus jerked", his wife
said "then y didnâ€™t u exchanged your seat with some other passengers, that did not know about the nail!
Sadarji replied "How can I exchange my seat when there were no other passengers in the bus other than
me".
Intelligent Sardar
Once this guy visits his Sardarji friend he notices that his wall clock is not working and it looks beyond
repairs.
Dost: Tu naya ghadi kyun nahin le leta?
Sardar: kyun? ye abhi bhi kaam aata hai
Dos : Kaise?
Sardar: Yaar.... din mein do baar to sahi time dikhata hai!

Sardar wins 20 Crore from..

Sardar wins 20 Crore from
Rs 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 Crore after deducting tax.

Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 Crores or
else return my 20 Rs back.!
Sardar's Planting..
Sardar's Planting Trees
A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park.
One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and
Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off, because he is ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get
the day off!
Toilet brush!
Banta and his colleagues were at work one day when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They
bought tickets, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
His colleague who won the first prize got six month's supply of Cadbury's chocolates.
Second prize winner got three month's supply of Cadbury's chocolates.
Banta won the tenth prize - a toilet brush.
About a week later, at the office canteen, the first prize winner asked the others how they were enjoying
their prizes.
"Great," said the the seond prize winner, "I love chocolates"
"So do I," said the first prize winner. "And how's the toilet brush?" he asked Banta
"Not so good," Banta said, "I think I'll go back to paper."

Speeding!!!
Banta was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast
a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Maruti, if he
could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory.
His friend said, "Sure."
So Banta tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend, "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to
go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60
kmph. Banta was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Honda came up beside them and
before you knew it the fellow driving the Maruti forgot all about Banta and his bicycle and took to drag racing
the Honda.
A little further down the road sat Officer Santa in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two
cars before his radar flashed 100 kmph.
He called into headquarters on his radio, "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Honda
and a Maruti racing out here on Highway 22, and there's a guy on a cycle ringing his bell and waving his
arms trying to pass them!"
Urine test!
Banta had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much
more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and poured it into a urine specimen cup the
nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass.
In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Banta put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps,
saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
Confused Sardar
A policeman pulled the Sardarji over after he had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Sardar : No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

Kanjoos Sardar
Newly married sardar to another newly married sardar "I am so kunjoos that I went alone for my
honeymoon and saved half the money".
Other sardar said "You are nothing I saved my full money, I sent my wife for honeymoon with my friend"
Painter Sardar
Dr. Maneesh Sinha, a psychotherapist, has employeed a sardar painter to paint his name plate. He
instructed the sardar to give ample space between the words, and left for his clinic.
On his return in the evening, he was astonished at the sight of the name plate that was hung to his gate. It
read,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Dr. Maneesh Sinha Psycho the rapist"
Incredible Sardars..

Sardar : What is the name of your car ?

Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaari gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
Santa Banta Strikes Again

Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"
Banta: Nooo, it's my HELLO TUNE!
Daku Mangal Singh Banta ke ghar mein ghusa aur bola: Sona kahan hai, jaldi bataao
Banta: Pura ghar khali hai malko, jithe marzi so jao!
Santa to Jeeto: Kaisi sabzi banai hai, bilkul Gobar jaisa swad hai.
Jeeto, maatha peet te hue: Hey bhagwan! Na jane inhone kya-kya kha ke dekha hua hai.
A crow shits on a Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.

Banta: Koi phayda nahin, kauwa toh ud gaya!
Banta: Jab main paida hua tha to military walon ne 21 topein chalayeen thi. Santa: Kamaal hai ! Sab ka
nishana chook gaya ?
Santa meets his old friend.

Santa: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B.
Friend: Oye, iska matlab?
Santa: Kuch nahin yaar, I mean long time no C.
Santa: Drinking n driving dono nalo naal nai ho sakde.

Banta: Y?
Santa: Je speed breaker aa gaya taa peg dul jau.

Phone ki ring baji. Santa: Phone mere liye ho to kehna mein ghar pe nahin hoon.
Jeeto phone pe: Wo ghar pe hain.
Santa: Maine mana kiya that...
Jeeto: Phone mere liye tha!
Santa to a doc: Apne nurse bahut achchi rakhi hai, uska haath lagtey hi mein theek ho gaya.
Doc: Jaanta hoon, thappad ki awaaz mujhe bhi sunai di thi.
Santa was writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake.'

He wrote: I was made by a mistake.
Santa: Oh yaar main badi mushkil mein hoon. Meri biwi mujhse ek pappi ka Ek rupeya leti hai.
Banta: Oh yaar tu lucky hai, auron se to woh 5 rupye leti hai.
Santa to Banta: Main apna purse ghar bhool aaya, mainu 1000 Rs chahide si.
Banta: Dost hi dost de kam aunda hai, le 10 Rs, riksha kar te purse le aa.
Banta: Wo ladki deaf lagti hai. Main kuch kehta hoon, woh kuch aur hi bolti hai.
Santa: Kaise?
Banta: Maine kaha I Luv U, to woh boli 'Maine kal hi Naye Sandal kharide hain'
Sardars entry in the..

Sardars entry in the heaven
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate DharamRaj told him that new rules were
in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
DharamRaj said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your
answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
DharamRaj lets him in without another word.
Safe cracker
The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms
working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the
bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he
turned to the safe cracker and said, "Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?"
The safe cracker replied, "Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!"
Laughing Zone
A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.
****************
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else.
****************
Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
****************

Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.

Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat!
****************
While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.

Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here
****************
Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.
Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'
Speed limit
A traffic Policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my
daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and
said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Affair with a dentist

Preeto fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of
passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day the dentist said sadly, "Preeto, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to
get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been seeing each other for six
months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
Blind date!
Banta sets up Santa to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Santa is a little worried about going out
with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then
everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma

attack."
So that night, Santa knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and
sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaaaaaaauuugguuughhh!"
Speech Impediment
Santa and Banta were enjoying a few drinks down at the local bar, when Santa said to Banta, "If I ask you a
question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said Santa, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied Banta.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired Santa, "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied Banta, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
Santa in Chandigarh
Santa was visiting Chandigarh for the first time. He wanted to see the Rock Garden.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I
get to the Rock Garden?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 46 bus. It'll take you right there."
He thanked the officer and the officer drove off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same
area and, sure enough, Santa is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Rock Garden, I said to wait here for the
number 46 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
Santa replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"
Fastest Worker
Santa got a part time job at the Chandigarh Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was
the job of sorting the mail.
Santa separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the
supervisor approached Santa at the end of his first day.

"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one
of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, Sir" said Santa, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did
today?"
Santa replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
Last Night
One day, Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a
couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"That woman I call my wife and I got into a fight," explained Santa, "and now she isn't talking to me for a
whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked
the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
Explanation!
Santa wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on
Wednesday.
When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife, Jeeto, in bed with another man. Furious,
he picked up his bag and stormed out; he met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened
and announced that he was filing a suit for divorce in the morning.
"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you do any thing." the older women pleaded.

Reluctantly, he agreed. An hour later, his mother-in-law phoned Santa at his office.
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," a note of truimph in her voice. "She didn't receive your
telegram!"
Overturned wagon
Pappu, Santa's son, accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the
noise.
"Hey Pappu!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon
up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Pappu answered, "but I don't think my father would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," he finally agreed, and added, "But my father won't like it."
After a hearty lunch, Pappu thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know dad is going to be real
upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the farmer said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Smartest Salesman
Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.
The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.
The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.
The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to Banta.

The other two said, so what?
The third salesman added, "Along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold him fifty kgs of bird seeds!!!!!"
Medical Students
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and
discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then
attempt to make the correct diagnosis. They spotted our Santa leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down
the street at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to Santa and told him that they didn't agree with each others
diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of
us is correct?"
Santa replies, "Well boys, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"
The Ladies Man

"I'm scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't
stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It's not that," declared Banta. "He didn't sign his name!"
The Right Step

Two drunk, Santa and Banta, were walking along a dirt road one day when they came upon a pile of some
brown stuff on the ground.
"Is that shit, Banta?" Santa said.

"I don't really know." Responded Banta as he bent over, "it smells like shit."
Santa leaned in and dipped his finger into the mysterious pile. "It feels like shit!"
Banta too dipped his finger into the mysterious pile and without hesitation shoved the finger in his mouth.
"Sure tastes like shit, buddy! I think it's definitely shit."
"Hooooeee!" Responded Santa, "Good thing we didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t step in it!"
Politics Jokes
Clinton one-liners
Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.
It's the spending stupid!
If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
Clinton in 1996--NOT!!
I'm not Fonda Clinton
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.
Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin
production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or
getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some
begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
Clinton administration medical dictionary

Acute: Opposite of an ugly
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
The Career Choice

An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has
no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid,
pretending they were not at home.
The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be
a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their
son arrive and read the note they had left him.
Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for
his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son
is going to be a politician!"
No Answers to such Questions

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little
boy puts up his hand andGeorge asks him what his name is.
'Billy.'
'And what is your question, Billy?
'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you
President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
'Steve'
'And what is your question, Steve?'
'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you
President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did
the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?'

A Meeting With the Board

A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the
service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him.
Playing safe!
New York City - Mohammad Rahman, 36, Brooklyn, racked up three accidents on his second day on a new
job as a new cab driver.
It all started at 9 a.m. when, cops say, he rammed into a parked car. Rahman said the car rammed into his
cab, he even called police to report the accident.
An hour later, Rahman said he paused for a light. He got nervous, though, when the light changed and that
cars started to honk while he waited for pedestrians to clear the crosswalk.
"I got confused, and my feet just slipped from the brake to the accelerator," Rhaman said. That`s when he
struck a 22-year-old man from New Jersey.
When police showed up and began converging on his cab, Rahman ran into another car. Cops said he was
leaving the scene, but he said he was only trying to park his taxi so it wouldn`t block traffic. Rahman is
looking for another line of work.
These guns are so safe?

Robert Shovestall, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, CA, when he placed
a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger.
Shovestall`s wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband`s 70 guns
prompted him to demonstrate to her they were safe.

A dead man in jail!

A man was sentenced last week to two years in prison for faking his death three times to beat drunk driving
charges.
Peter C. Gentry was first arrested in 1991, but an official looking death certificate sent to authorities said he
had died in a Los Angeles auto crash, and the case was dismissed.
In 1994, he was arrested again and sent in another death certificate.
A year later, Gentry was again arrested and supposedly died this time of "denzor hemorrhagic fever" in
Africa.
There is no such disease.
Progeny!
Singe Soren, the Woman Sarpanch(Village head) of Badapalasa was unseated because she gave birth to
her third child.
According to the Law which came into effect on December 31, 1995; it amounts to disqualification of
Municipal Councilors and Panchayat members who produce a third child, and it just took the petition in
Mayurbhanj district court to remove Singe from her Sarpanch seat.
Progeny sometimes spoils the political careers.
Cool way to conquer fear !

Fan of Titanic star Leonardo DiCaprio, David Blaine, last year buried himself underwater in a plexiglass
coffin for a week and survived. Now he encased himself in a six-tonne block of ice and hoped to come out
unscathed 58 hours later i.e. two and a half-day.
This was the toughest challenge for Blaine. He would have to remain standing in the block in which his
contour was shaped surviving only with a tube to suck water and oxygen. He faced several threats, which
include frostbite and the possibility of falling asleep and touching the ice wall. Passerby in New York called
him crazy to risk his life.

To protect self respect!!

An educated woman from Margao city (Panaji, Goa (India)) urinated in the office of the sanitary inspector in
Margao in protest against dirty public toilets. She said she urinated in his chamber, in his absence, to make
him realize that public toilets were overflowing. The municipality was not cleaning them, though complaints
were made to the authorities earlier. The incident sparked off reaction amongst women in the state. Some
welcomed the step because they felt that this was one of the ways to answer male-dominated society and
politics. Even the Goa Pradesh Congress President Nirmala Sawant appreciated what the woman did to
attract the attention of authorities on the eve of the International Women`s Day on Thursday.
A woman has to protect her self respect," Sawant said, calling for more toilets in busy areas so that woman
did not face hardships.
Sow Cruel!!
A 31-year-old Vietnamese woman, Phan Thi Hien, forced her 10-year-old stepson to stitch up his moutha
as punishment for stealing 200 dong (1.3 cents).
The boy was beaten severly and given a needle and thread by his stepmother and was forced to sew his
lips together, while she stood watch over him. Newpaper reports state that Hien could be prosecuted on
charge of ill-treating the child. Incedentally, she has not been arrested since she has a younger child to take
care of.
Dying for a soda ??

A man whose son was crushed to death by a soda vending machine has filed a $500,000 wrongful-death
lawsuit against the company that manufactured the machine. The 27-year-old man apparently rocked the
machine, which fell, pinning him against a wall and crushing his chest.
The father decided to sue after learning that his son`s death was not an isolated incident. "The penalty for
jiggling a machine to get a quarter out or a free Coke shouldn`t be death," said the man`s lawyer. The US
Consumer Product Safety Commission found that between 1978 and 1995, at least 37 deaths and 113
injuries resulted from falling vending machines, which can weigh 1,000 pounds.
No luck with a tow truck

It started out as just a simple fender-bender but a couple of hours later the driver, Chinnamma Sebastian,
49, Philadelphia, PA, wound up in a hospital in critical condition with multiple injuries. Sebastian stood in a
grassy area near the location of the minor accident and watched as her car was hooked to the flatbed of a
tow truck, when suddenly the 1988 Mercedes went into reverse and rolled off. The car ran over her and hit
the tow truck driver, who suffered minor injuries. It finally stopped when it hit another tow truck.
Well, it worked !!
Norias, Texas - Six men believed to be illegal aliens from Mexico were killed by a freight train while sleeping
on the tracks.
"The train crew saw some debris on the tracks," said Letty Garza, a spokeswoman for the Border Patrol.
"That next split-second, they saw heads raise up and then six people were killed instantly."
Illegal aliens and transients sleep on the tracks because they think snakes won`t get them there.
Like a hole in the head !!

Travis Bogumill, a construction worker in Eau Claire, Wis., was shot with a nail gun that drove a 3 1/4 inch
nail all the way into his skull, and the only difference he can see is that he`s not quite the math whiz he used
to be.
A co-worker accidentally bumped his head with the gun, and the nail went in so deep that the only thing
visible was a small hole in Bogumill`s scalp.
He remained conscious, turned to his co-worker and said, "You just nailed me in the head," Bogumill
recalled. He said, "it felt like somebody was smacking my head repeatedly with a hammer."
Doctors told Bogumill that he shouldn`t have been able to walk or talk after the accident, and that they`re
baffled why he wasn`t knocked unconscious.
The nail lodged in an area of the brain typically involved in processing math according to Dr. John
Lamoureux.
"You could give me two two digit numbers and I could multiply them within seconds in my head. But now
you give me a piece of paper and multiplying 56 by 23 is still difficult," Bogumill said.
Bouncing baby boy

3-year-old Lateef Wise, Philadelphia, PA, was left home alone last week. At about 9:30 a.m., the frightened
and crying boy pushed out the screen of an open window. Then he fell from the apartment, bounced off an
air conditioner protruding from a second floor window and landed on a narrow amazingly got up, began to
cry and started strip of grass. After hitting the ground Lateef walking around. Lateef was later released from
a local hospital with just a minor larceration. The boy was left home alone due to a miscommunication
between the parents.

Give em a hand!
A team of Latvian doctors claimed a new world record after reattaching four severed hands in just five days.
According to the Baltic News Service, three of the patients had their hands cut off by saws while chopping
down trees.
The fourth, a woman, had her hand severed by a dough machine. The agency noted doctors normally
reattach only two or three hands a year.
Powerful coincidence!
Almost all of Nevada City, CA, lost power for 30 minutes this spring when a branch blew off a tree and hit a
Pacific Gas & Electric power line.
The Grass Valley Union newspaper reported the outage delayed the trial of PG&E for failing to trim
vegetation around power lines as required by the state.
The mommies!
A custody battle in Santa Ana, CA, took an unusual turn when the mother of a 3-year-old girl claimed the
girl`s father is actually a woman. Kristie Vecchione, 27, said her husband became a man through sex-
change operations more than 20 years ago. Vecchione, who was impregnated by artificial insemination,
wants sole custody of her daughter on claims that same-sex marraiges are not recognized in the state of
California.
I just killed the pig.

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in
the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what
had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God,
what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the
pig."
Holy tooth! Batman!

Singing hymns and praying for peace and luck, thousands of Buddhists greeted a holy tooth believed to
have belonged to Buddha when it arrived in Taiwan.

Monks in saffron robes escorted the tooth, encased in a miniature golden pagoda, off a flight from India.
Dozens of women prostated themselves and spread their long hair over a red carpet. Others knelt in rows,
clasping their hands in front to express their reverence. Buddhists say the tooth brings blessings for those
who live where it is housed and keeps them from disaster.
Close to home!
GARY, Indiana - Last Monday FBI agents busted a $1,000-a-day cocaine ring being run out of City Hall,
allegedly by the city`s chief computer programer and its payroll clerk.
Programer Arthur Harris, 46, and clerk Karen Laverne Shivers, 41, were arrested at their apartment
Monday.
Agents seized 5 ounces of cocaine, 6 ounces of crack and $6,000. Federal agents said they taped three
telephone conversations in which Harris, speaking on a City Hall phone, arranged to sell crack.
Say Cheese
Three dead bodies of Indian politicians turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The
medical examiner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is
taken to the first body.
"He was a BJP leader, 65 years of age, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the
enormous smile, Inspector," says the medical examiner.
The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man.
"He was a minister from ruling Congress party, was 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all
on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the medical examiner. "This is the most unusual one. MP from Bihar, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?` inquires the Inspector.
To which the medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Laloo`s Threat
A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward.
A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening.
A guy from the front replied, "Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road.
He is refusing to move from there!"
"But why?"
"He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay lakhs of
Rupess as fines!
He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn`t contribute with
money to help him pay the fine!"
"So how much has been collected so far?"
"Six litres!"
Indian politician
An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner,
the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked, "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built,
glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees," he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said, "No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!

Best patient
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when
you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
UN meeting
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given
to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an
old story to all of you...
When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more
deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared
with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to
cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove
into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been
stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty...It's a lie ! It is
widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"
"And in agreement with Chairman Arafat," said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..."

Bar Jokes:
Reasons to allow drinking at work

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may
even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
A bet made at the local bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar.
As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window,
looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter,
and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from
thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets
out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He
doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess
you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in
here and spray beer all over the bar."
Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off
drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard
off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again
until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
The customs of an Irishman

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought
one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in

Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and
drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall
silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a
moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit
drinking."
What causes people to have arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest
and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for
your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean
to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
He is a very fast drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be
buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and
watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as
quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A nun arrives at the local bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about
himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and
could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
I didn't get any money this time

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Arriving home very drunk

Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender
says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along
and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his
house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his
wheel chair?"
Looking to buy a frog?

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free
drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and
proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me
free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better
than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and
pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man
reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the
bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash
up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00
cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let
him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing
special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A real hurry!
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year- old single malts and has the bartender line them
up in front of him.
Then, without pausing, he downs each one.
"Whew," the bartender remarks, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be, too, if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asks.
The ghost?
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain, these two
young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one
beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man`s face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The
passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There`s an old guy`s face there!" (Was this a

ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what
he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "you have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the
window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says,
"What do you think of that?"
The driver says, "I don`t know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.
"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen
and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"Oh my God! HE`S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in
stark terror.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?
Exchanging notes!
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say
hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that none will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

Not finished yet !

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the
woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"
The drunk replied, "Yes maàm, I have indeed shit myself."
The woman says, "Well, why don`t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "`Cos I`m not finished yet..."
The best beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The
guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey SeÃƒÂ±or, I would like the world`s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I`d like
the best beer in the world, give me `The King Of Beers`, a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I`d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren`t you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren`t drinking beer, neither will I."
Best friend
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens
to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I`ve known you for over fifteen years, and I`ve never
seen you take a drink before. What`s going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my
best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I`m your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He
is!"
Embarrasing !

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won`t sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I`m sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I`m a journalist and I`ve got an assignment to study how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean Rs 1000?"
Secret of long life

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter
asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of
cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man.
Drunken nun !
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about
himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don`t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I`ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "...
and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It`s not that drunken Nun again, is it?"
Mine disaster
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously
survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the
other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I`ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end
there."
The bartender responded, "I`m sorry sir but that guy`s a communist and we don`t serve his kind around
here."
"Well, you`d better because if it weren`t for that guy, I wouldn`t be here. You remember that mine that
caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of
the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don`t believe me, look at the top of his head and
you`ll see that it`s flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the communist his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw
the flat spot on his head but I also couldn`t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that`s where we put the jack."
Australian marriage
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.
Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle,
jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for
free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg (barrel) of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on
again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked,
"What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

Finding Jesus!
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to
stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.
The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you
found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands,
"For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Too high!
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be Rs 200 please!"
The Guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him and drinks it down.
He then says, "Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!"
The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be Rs 300 please!".
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says, "Bbbartender tthanks for nnot
mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!"
The Bartender replied, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my Humpback while you
were in here."
The Guy says, "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour
Bbbutt!"
Men's room!
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would
you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and
wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the
corner."
Inheritance!
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he
commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me 25,00,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me 50,00,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me 10,00,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single rupee!"
Free Meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered
his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to
do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the
meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel
of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free
milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Judgement
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police
came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge then said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
Big Booze
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he
stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up
the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking
again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Irishman in the Bar

An Irishmen walked into a bar and ordered three different drinks in three different glasses. He walked to a
table, sat down, and began to drink each drink one at a time. When he was finished he went up to get three
more.
The Bartender said, "Why do you get three different drinks? It would be a lot easier for me to mix them."
The Irishman said, "When my two brothers moved away we all promised that every day we would drink
each others favourite drink."
The bartender said, "That's very cool."
So the Irishmen did this for a number of years. But one day he walked in and only ordered two drinks.
Everybody looked up and bowed their head. When the Irishmen walked up to the bartender the bartender
said, "I am so sorry about your brother."
The Irishmen looked at him funny and said, "Oh No, everybody's all right it's just that I stopped drinking."
Extra Large
A guy walks into a Texas bar and orders a small glass beer. When the bartender comes with the drink it
was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.
Bartender says, "That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big."
Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The
guy says that he only ordered a small steak.
The waitress says, "Son, everything is big in Texas.
After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit
smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into a pool.
He returns to the bar soaking wet.
"What in Hell happened to you?" asks the barkeep.

"Oh man, I fell in the damn toilet!"
Heavy Drinker

One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a
bar in Chandigarh and asked the bartender, "What all do you have".
Bartender, "We have whiskey, rum, vodka, gin, beer..."
Lord Shiva, "Let's try whiskey first, give me five bottles of whiskey."
After having five bottles of whiskey, Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked, "Who is this man, after having five bottles of whisky and he is still on his feet."
After having five bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having fourty bottles of beer, he asked
the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him, "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having
four glasses of whiseky, and you've almost had fifty bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you???"
Lord Shiva, "Vats, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain."
Bartender, "AB CHADHI ISKO!!!"
The Old Drunk

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk
down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you
found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water
and says in a harsh tone, "My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"
Drunk Superman
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He
would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would
appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.
Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet,
minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I
slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"
So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds laterhe has splatted straight onto the ground, stone
dead.
The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete as*hole when you
are drunk"
No More Peas
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it.

The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be
clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid"
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he
realises that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed.
One of the reps says, "Well, actually, I'd love a cigarette, because I haven't had a smoke in four years, I
gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it
cost me my first marriage, so i gave it up!"
The businessman says. "That's nothing, I haven't had a pea in 7 years."
The barman jumps up screaming, "Ok, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...."
Drunken Excuses
Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head
down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already two hours late, and now
I've thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.
The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife
asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry
cleaning. I do it all the time."
The first guy says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next
couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks
through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late,
drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself
?!?"
He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to
get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."
She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"
He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"
A Puking Drunk
A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare, a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long.
After giving directions back to his house, he and the taxi driver are talking.
The drunk guy leans forwards and says, "Hey taxi-dude! Think you got enough room in the front for a case
of beer and a couple of chicken burgers?"
Taxi guy says "Sure! Not a problem."
"Some french fries and some meat loafs?"
"Not a problem, sir," Taxi guy replied.
The drunk guy goes, "BLLLLEEEEEECCCHHHHH!"

Animal Jokes:
A very insulting parrot

Panda This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the
pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice
saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot,
resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such
nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so
proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot
along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even
bit her once.
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the
basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes
before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar,

and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost
on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws,
he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack
you?"
A snail buys a fast new car

Panda There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get
some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson
240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-
Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the
car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.
And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
These chickens want books

Panda A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The
librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly
thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!'
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave
as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed
and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives
them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not

wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was
saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
A frog calls a psychic

Panda Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is
the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will
want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Purchasing a new bird

Panda After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely
inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no
matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the
wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble
running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and
it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it
into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the
shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird
and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching
the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
Marriage should be like Fishing

A marriage license should be like a fishing license, it expires every year and if you go fishing out of state
you can get a 3 days license.
If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common, they are fun to catch and if you clean and prep
them right, most are good to eat, also if you decide to mount one, you know is going to cost you plenty!
If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always
better.
Smart Ants
All ants were bathing in a pool...
Just then an eleplant comes and jumps in the pool..
All ants got out of water...
One ant climbs at the back of the elephant.. and all other ants started
shouting at him...
Now the question is what were they telling him???
Socho socho...
Socho socho.....

all ants starts saying....

"DUBA DUBA KE MAAR SALE KO...."
FOUR CATS
The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed
that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
sh*t on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........

put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
Bilingual Parrot
Bilingual Parrot
A man walks to the register and asks the employee, "Excuse me sir, but
can you tell me why that parrot costs $5,000 dollars?"
The employee says, "Oh, that parrot is extremely special; it's one of a
kind. Not only is it beautiful, but it is bilingual." The man gives the
employee a strange look and says, "No way, there's no animal that could
ever learn how to speak two languages!" The employee smiles and says,
"Follow me I'll prove it."
The employee says, "Go ahead, and pull on his right leg." So the man
pulls on the parrot's right leg. The parrot says, "Hello how are you?" The
man smiles and says, "Wow, cool, that's amazing!" The employee then says,
"Go ahead pull on the left leg." So the man pulls on the parrot's left
leg. The parrot says, "Kaise Ho?"
The man was so excited and overwhelmed, and he says, "That is the
coolest thing I've ever seen!" Please you've got to tell me what happens if
I pull both of his legs?"
The parrot turns and looks at the man and says, "Pagal, I fall down!"
Sign language of a monkey !

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked
upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I am saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissiing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you are saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men...

1. Dogs don t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don t laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends arenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t allowed to come inside.
2.
Pretentious parrot!!
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly,"
The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot
and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly,"

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of
the bird if they didn t do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he
would make sure the parrot didn t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes ?"
And the bird replied, "You know."
The boss!
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a
perch and says:
"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do
everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars.
Needless to say this begs the question
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".
Smart snakes!
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks
he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What`s the problem?"
says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little
snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We`re adders, so we need logs to multiply."
Intelligent dog !
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We`ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily
newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, " But we`ve never subscribed to any papers!"
Smoke in bed !
The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish.
`Sidney!` she screamed. `How many more times do I have to tell you that you cannot smoke in bed!`
Poor turtle!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into
the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and
again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it`s time to tell him he`s adopted."
Blind as a bat!!!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave`s roof
to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well I didn`t!"
Mightiest !!
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and
roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen
times. The lion feeling like it`d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it
looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you
don`t know the answer, you don`t have to get so mad."
Ape removal
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not knowing quite what to do,
he looks in the yellow pages under "Gorilla Removal Service" and sure enough finds a listing-Harry`s Ape
Removal.
So he calls up Harry and about an hour later Harry shows up with all the tools of his trade, a pick-up truck, a
pair of handcuffs, a ferociously-trained dog and a shotgun.
Harry then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to the man because he will need help:
"Now, I`m going to climb up in this tree and shake the tree until the gorilla falls out of the tree. The very
instant the gorilla hits the ground, this daog is trained to rush up and bite his balls off. This will temporarily
immobilize the gorilla allowing you to safely walk up and place the handcuffs on him. I`ll then get him into
the truck while he`s still in a daze".
Harry then begins to climb the tree and the man asks, "Hey what`s the shotgun for?"
"Oh, yes," says Harry, "occasionally when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes back, and if I fall, shoot the
damn dog!"
Unusual pet
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and
told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found
a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, Would you like to go to Frank`s with me for a beer? But there was no
answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking
about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time! This time, putting his face up against the
centipede`s little house he shouted, HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE
AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?
A little voice came out of the box, "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!"
The purrfect gift!

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store
manager tells him, he has just what he`s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas
carols. He brings the husband over to the colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is

retty, but he doesn`t seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then
clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet`s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy
Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet`s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter
underneath Chet`s right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he`ll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists
upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot`s special
talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet`s left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then
moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds
the lighter between Chet`s legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird`s legs,
and the bird begins to sing........ "Chet`s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Poor Snail
One day a man was sitting on his sofa at home when he heard a knock at the door. He got up to see who it
was but when he opened the door no one was there. Just as he was about to sit down he heard the knock
again but when he got there again, there was no one at the door.
He scratched his head, looked around for a second and looked down to see a tiny snail on the porch.
He picked up the snail, threw it into a field across the street and headed back inside to watch television
again.
Three Years Later
The same man is sitting on his sofa watching TV and hears a knock at the door. He gets up and goes to
see who`s there and there is no one.
He looks around for a second and just as he is about to close the door, he looks down and sees the snail
who looks back up and says "What the Hell was that all about!!?".
Confused parrot
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having
figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't
figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned
except the magician and the parrot.

The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from
exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the
magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him.
Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even
blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
Animal Complaints
It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a
giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes
me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck
pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows
you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."
Tough job!
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner
and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

Dopin' Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says
his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's
the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too
stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is
sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!
The Dream Eggs!

Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he
wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you
to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"
Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice

and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.
In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was
gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck
twice, and then you push all you can."
Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Joe said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there
was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Joe, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all
over the bed!"
Dog`s Hand
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog
sitting at the table.
This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next
hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human
players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog,

they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I
can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
The comparison!
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:
First woman : My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he
takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman : I know
First one : How?
Second one : My dog told me.
Children Jokes:
Mommy Test
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it
in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I
replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you
know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't
let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
Old AGE!.
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and
wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later
she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and
got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
LITTLE JOHNNY EYES CREAM

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on
her face.
"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he
asked.
"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with
a tissue.
"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Accuracy
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years
Old.
Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and
He wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and
A broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose
This ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at
Me,
The boy exclaimed, "Wow ! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
Interesting topic!
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnnie on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnnie, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you
like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnnie. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pelleile a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnnie, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know shit?"
Adam's dress
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between
the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Praying Johnny!
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the
railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise
and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically
as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop
swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly
missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
Entry to Heaven!
"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get
me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me
into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Natural childbirth!
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth. He asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey ..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening
sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my
family for three generations."
Vanishing cream!
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little kids entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly
around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation
going.
The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the
way around the room, the children left.
As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was
heard to say, "You see, it is Vanishing cream!"
Christmas prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the
two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW MUSIC SYSTEM...

I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your
prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "I know, but Grandma is!"
Scared!!!
One day Gramma sent her grandson little Johnnie down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and
hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnnie. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down
there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnnie. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no
one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnnie, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Better job
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the
mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Stupidest kid!
A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking kid bouncing down the
sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Johnnie, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Johnnie! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Johnnie came bouncing over "Hello Sir!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Johnnie he could keep the one of his
choice.

Johnnie looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's
hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Johnnie and asked him why he chose the dime.
Johnnie looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."
Children of Israel
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
Definitely !
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
Shocking letter
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she
reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real
passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that
mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have
many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone
and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we
may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he
deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll
visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Love
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in
life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
Honest Law yer!

Two small boys were overheard talking one day.
"My name is Jimmy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Johnnie," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Jimmy.
Johnnie replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Jimmy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Johnnie.
Strange Neighbour
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in
a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called to see how her son was doing in his new life.
"I'm fine, " Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman
cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head
on the wall all the time."
"Well, my dear," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that."
"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my
bagpipes."
Martial Woes:
Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She
goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere.. ...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.She said "There are too many
gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.! My wife asked "What's on the TV?"I said "Dust!"
No Relationship without Expectation

Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up that way. Having great expectations
sounds great however when the expectation is unfulfilled, we b***h, we moan, we become disappointed.
That is a problem for most people.
For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I will
most likely be disappointed. A better way might be to strive to get the need of being loved fulfilled by
allowing your love partner to love you the way they love you. Your need to be loved a certain way is not a
healthy need, it is only and always an unrealistic expectation.
Another disappointing thing about expectations is that they often do not come true. One love partner knows
the expectation. The other love partner doesn't know the expectation of the other. Expectations are in the
eye of the beholder. Can you see the problem?
Needs must be communicated. Expectations are rarely ever communicated. Needs can be cussed and
discussed. You must give careful thought to what needs must be fulfilled for you to know you have a healthy
love relationship.

"Expect the best," is certainly a better attitude than the alternative. Some say, "If you always expect the best
for your relationship, everything will work out better." This is a myth. It will work out the way it works out and
you will be disappointed because it didn't work out the way you expected it to. You don't always get what
you expect.
We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when
they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a
problem: a problem we create by our expectations.
Try this: "No expectations, fewer disappointments!" It's that simple. Not easy. Simple.
By considering a new point of view, by changing our thinking about expectations, we open ourselves up to
whatever good the 'us' of the committed you and me may be working on together at the time. Since we are
detached from the way things need to work out, we may be surprised by the result. Even when we imagine
the very best, we are often surprised, because if there were shades of doubt present in our imaginings,
things may turn out better than we imagined. . . or worse.
Once we learn to identify our own individual, healthy needs, we must also learn not to be attached to the
expectation of how those needs get fulfilled. This will always generate lots of surprises. That is when the
adventure begins; the adventure the heart was crying for. Surprises create a sense of adventure; surprises
you can enjoy together; surprises that create new and exciting possibilities for the two of you to experience.
Some of the surprises may show up as challenges for the relationship. They bring couples together and
give them something to share. When two people really love each other and are committed to work together,
those kind of surprises create the kind of conversation that empowers both love partners to continue to self-
inquire, to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by the
surprise and know that everything is going to be okay.
Problems are not to break us. Working together on problems makes us stong.
While there is something to be said about "expecting the best," we must remember that disappointment
comes from unfulfilled expectations. This does not mean that when your expectations do not get met, that
the results are always bad. It only means that if your expectations don't get met. Disappointment usually
follows.

By thinking in terms of needs instead of expectations, we create vulnerability. Having needs with no
expectations about how they will be fulfilled causes us to feel vulnerable. We have more to lose because
now we know what we want. The outcome is less predictable. There is some risk involved. And we have a
responsibility for getting our needs met.
Never give yourself away in the relationship. By "give yourself away," I mean making sacrifices that conflict
with what you need from the relationship. Never sacrifice your own personal integrity with regard to getting
your needs met. The healthier image you have of yourself, the less likely this will occur.
There is a difference between duty and responsibility. When duty does not meet our needs, it is something
to be avoided. For example, if there are children in the relationship you have a responsibility to take care of
them. When it feels like duty, you have a responsibility to take care of your need to not have it feel like duty.
We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up in our
relationship, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and
therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship.
However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only
point the relationship in the wrong direction.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices
are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have
would become the relationship we enjoy being in.
We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be
understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how
those needs get fulfilled can only cause disappointment.
The number one problem in relationships is undelivered communication. It's the things we don't
communicate because the last time we did, it caused a confrontation, argument, anger, frustration and we
want to avoid these feelings so we stuff them. The next thing you know is, your partner didn't take out the
garbage and you want a divorce and it's not about the garbage.
In my opinion, the number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations.
So, how do you sidestep the disappointment that always comes from unfulfilled expectations? Who wins the
"expectations versus needs" dilemma? Needs, of course! You focus on your needs and make a

commitment to never have any undelivered communication about them. Talk about what you need with your
partner. Express your needs with love.
Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.
We often call things that happen that cause disappointment, problems. To avoid disappointment or
problems. . . as best you can, have no expectations, good or bad. When you have expectations there are
never any surprises because the outcome is almost always predictable.
Disappointment follows unfulfilled expectations. The predicaments that follow are predictable. If your
relationship is not full of surprises, it is most likely very boring and may border on being unhealthy. Having
healthy needs is a natural and creative attitude to embrace.
It is important to allow your love partner the freedom to fulfill your needs in their own best way.
What you can be with in life lets you be!
When you know what you need from your relationship and can express those needs to your partner and be
okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that
goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined
M ARRIAGE without any prejudice

All about MARRIAGE without any prejudice
Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
Aadmi shaadi kyon karta hai?

Takee vo marne ke baad agar Swarg jaye to achcha feel kare
aur agar Nark jaye to homely feel kare...
Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?

To tell each other affectionately. ..
Sweetheart U R Dead!
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.
WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"

Yeah Baby
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of
night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you
were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses - the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in
the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you
marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been
released today."
Millionaire
"Last night my wife told me she dreamed she was married to a
millionaire." Bill said to his friend Tom.
Replied Tom, "You're lucky. My wife thinks that in the daytime!"

Six Nights
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking
along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he
was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may
approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a
can of peas."
Nude Masterpiece
There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been
working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to
undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would
pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small
talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."
Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the
casket with him.
Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was
sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife
say, "Wait a minute!"
She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to
put the money in with him."
"You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!"
"I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it
he can spend it.
Suspicious Wife
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off
all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed
beside her...
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
Dying Husband
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in
Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of
regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs,
my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me
already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me
what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
Crazy Love
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the
resident doctors.
Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the
patients coming from their rooms.
"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told the doctor.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the
doctor.
The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "Peter," she repeated over and over.
"Oh, Peter!"
"She was to marry a man named Peter," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another
woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."
They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket, shrieking
insanely, "Peter! Peter!"
"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Peter also."
"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"
Married Life
Not long after his marriage, Joe and his father, met for lunch. "Well, son," asked the father, "how is married
life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed Joe. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Joe. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Joe's father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied the father, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

The New Wife

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a
speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here
does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a
million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.
"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"
Extra Marital affairs..

Extra Marital affairs....I bet u'll laugh till u drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8
PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me
a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Freaking Jinx
A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head, which caused
him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his
wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully: "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling
University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there
beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any
of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...."

He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because
of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my
hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company
till now... And you were still beside me... "
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke
up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a freaking jinx!"
Sports Jokes:
what happened after india lost to srilanka???

After the shameful defeat of Team India ,
the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they
chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.
Dravid could not resist for too long to be in the hotel room
and still not be able to go out shopping. So he disguises himself
as a Sardar and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who
greets him "Hi Dravid!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as
amuslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet the same woman greets
him "Hi Dravid!".
Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up
of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain, the same lady catches him
again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recognise me?"

The lady replied - "I am Sachin!"
An extremely loyal fan

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an
empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty
seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This
was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to
hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Taking the final exam

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on
academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-
blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be
sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the
answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's

shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Adopt an NBA player

THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just
how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or
just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived
of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about
two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a
basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could
mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two
thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player,
two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center,
trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information
about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.
You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon
retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the
photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need.
Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of
the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very
own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________

Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children
under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other
means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the
basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous
donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
Blonde Jokes:
I'm going ice fishing!

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early
the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly
she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her
there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated
man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay
for those holes."
Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat
perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over
to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of
the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems.
Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still
strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is
6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler.
Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Horns
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found
herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next
to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient
tone. "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with
horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other

times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of

acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause
it's a horse."
State Capitals
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day
learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and
capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M!"
Longer Ladder
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone.
"Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!" "This is the
Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you
to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section.
She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class
seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The
captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the
co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then
goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the
coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-
pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
Don't laugh!
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them
a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter
heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
The wrong way!

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she`d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad `cause all the people are leaving.
Bolnde tailgating!
One day a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
blonde in a little blue car tailgating him. Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stops his truck
and walks over to the car, which had also stopped and said, "Hey, lady, if you don`t stop tailgating me, I`m
going to bust up your car."
So he gets back in truck and drives away.

A little while later he looks in his rearview mirror, and sees the blonde tailgating him again. So he stops his
truck, gets out, and walks over to the car, saying, "Hey lady, stop tailgating me, or I`ll bust up your car."

So he gets back in his truck and drives away.
A little while later he again looks in his rearview mirror, and once again the blonde is tailgating him. So he
stops his truck, walks over to the car, and says, "Lady, get out."
So the blonde steps out of her car, and the truck driver draws a circle on the roadside, saying, "Now don`t
step out of that circle."
Then he proceeds to bust up the blonde`s car. Smashing the windshields and windows. And the blonde
starts laughing.
The truck driver rips out the seats, and busts all the tires.
And the blonde keeps laughing.
He takes a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounds in the frame, rips out the steering wheel, cuts the
brake lines, etc, until the car is completely totaled.
And the blonde is still laughing.
The truck driver walks over to the blonde, and says, "Lady, I just completely totaled your car, and you`re still
laughing.
What is so funny?????"
The blonde replies, giggling, "I stepped out the circle and you didn`t see me!!!!!!!!"
The grip!
One blonde was painting the ceiling as the other painted the room.
"Got a good grip on your brush?" asked the blonde.
"Sure," said the other blonde.
"Well, hold on tight. I`m taking away the ladder."
Ice fishing!
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She`d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the
necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried
again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I`m the Ice-Rink
Manager!"
Air Freshener !!
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches a `blonde lady` driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you`re weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you`re here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and
there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I
swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Maàm... that`s your air
freshener."
Applause !
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a
brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn`t then the rope would break
and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I`ll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started
clapping.
Breathalyzer test!
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he
walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive blonde behind the wheel.
"Maàm," he said ."I`m afraid we`re going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not
you`ve been drinking."

The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you`ve had a couple of stiff ones."
"That`s amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that, too!"
Watch dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Why did you give them names like that?"
The blonde responded, "What else would you name watch dogs?"
Police officer
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer, "May I see your licence?
Lady, "What does it look like?"
Officer, "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you
over."
Driving License
A blonde was speeding in a 30 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked
up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for her driving license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What
does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had
known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
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TopMasala “Santa Banta” Jokes

FILE NOT FOUND!

To find out scroll down

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sardar ji in a quiz contest...

2) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

3) Which of these was King George VI first name?

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The Suicide Bomber

Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?

Boss: Wait for more.

Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 150 soldiers, can I suicide now?

Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest!

Java Interview attended by our Banta Singh

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?

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Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads?

Q. What is JAR file ?

Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?

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A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?

Some Santa and Banta Jokes

In UK, Santa & Banta saw a poster

Santa: These bloody goraas always get the best jobs!!

Santa and Banta were watching bungee jumping.

Banta: No way. I was born because of

Three men discussing wives.

Santa & Banta - Dumb & Dumber

Santa: I have swallowed a key.

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Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too

A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa Banta jokes

FLAG DEKHKAR SARDAR KUCH BOLA

GUESS WOH KYA BOLA.....

IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO

2) SARDAR: AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA

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4) A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

5) Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..??

6) Banta: you cheated me.

7) Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?

what is the cube of 13?

9) ek aadmi k 6 fingers thi,use log hanuman bulate the...batao kyon?

10) who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad?

12) wht do u call a really colourful tamilian???

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they gave a solid reasonâ€¦**Ladke k dant bahar hai**

15) Full form of MATHS????

16) what wud u call a girl who never laughs??

Sardars entry in the..

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

they gave a solid reasonâ€¦Ladke k dant bahar hai