When Good Friends Leave

The story of my spiritual mentor, and how God took her out of my life.
Colleen Shutt

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD
is. Jer. 17:7

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 1. A spiritual friend
The Bible has something to say about “iron sharpening iron”, which is the effect that a close spiritual
friend can have on you. Never underestimate the power of having spiritual friendships, whether they be
good or bad. If good, they can profoundly push you in the right direction. If bad, they can completely
tear you down until all you can do is lift your head from the rubble and wonder what happened to you,
and where all your passion and motivation went. One of the greatest spiritual struggles of my life
resulted from a good spiritual friendship-gone bad.

When I was a young Christian of age twelve, I hungered for spiritual mentors who were my own age. I
had just developed a profound interest in all things related to the Lord and this new regeneration He
had given me. Having just moved to a new state and a new Church, finding girls my age with a hunger
for Christ were far and few between. Though surprisingly, (and quite supernaturally) I did not have to
look long. I met a girl who I will call Ariel. Ariel was a member of the Church I attended at the time. Not
only was she my age, but she lived a life that I thought was the epitome of holiness. Her family was
impeccable to me; Two parents who loved the Lord and loved each other, a gaggle of brothers and
sisters who were fun and happy, with bubbly personalities- and talked about God and His standards
constantly.

The closer I drew to Ariel, the more infatuated I became with her family and their way of living. They
followed the Bible in ways that were foreign to me. No television, no internet, no Disney movies. They
didn’t participate in the “worldly” activities that I participated in (such as the movie theatre and the
mall). I remember one day, while Ariel and I were jumping on the trampoline together, she gaily
proclaimed that we had so much in common (Same ages, same hobbies, same interests). I thought I
never could have received a greater compliment in the world. Here was Ariel, this extraordinarily
conservative girl who had the perfect relationship with God, telling me that we had so much in
common!

Because of my desire to grow with God and learn everything in His word- just like Ariel and her family
did- I decided it was time to take some notes on their ways of living. I noticed, quite unmistakably, that
Ariel only wore dresses. I found this very interesting, and I wanted to learn more about it. My wardrobe
included modest but trendy garb; tees, pants, sneakers, as well as dresses and skirts. Mom had always
ensured that we dressed modestly; there was no doubt about that. But wearing dresses…all the time?
Ariel had never made me feel insuperior even though I wore pants. But somehow I knew that I was less
of a Christian in her eyes for doing so. If there was a reason for this interesting belief, I wanted to know
all about it! Thus I found out their reason for it. In one of Paul’s books, he addresses women to adorn
themselves in ‘modest apparel’. The Greek word for apparel is “Katastole”; kata meaning ‘let down’, and
stole being ‘a long garment.’ I was above and beyond enlightened. Once again, Ariel and her family were
ahead of the ballgame in everything scripture-wise, so I thought. And when I was told that I could not

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sing in the Church choir until I vowed to wear these “katastoles”, I took the oath. I would never see a
pair of pants in my closet again.

Thus the friendship continued to thrive. Now I sang in the choir with Ariel, I wore dresses like Ariel, (I
already had a head-start in that I was schooled at home like Ariel), and my sister and I hung out with her
and her family constantly. I felt I was in paradise. Here I was, a new Christian, and I was being discipled
into living a Christian life that about 99% of Christians had no idea how to live. Why did Ariel and her
sisters grow their hair below their waist, I wondered? Because a woman’s hair is her glory. Why did her
family not have a television? It is a time-waster and a toxin. Why were they against dating? It is a set-up
for divorce. Why are credit cards wrong? The Bible says to owe no man. Why were they against
Christmas? It has pagan historical roots. Why was makeup wrong? Beauty is vain. Why, why, why?
Gradually I became accustomed to all the complicated rules and regulations of the holiness-driven
Christian. If I was to match up to the spiritual enlightenment of Ariel and her family, it was very
important that I understand all these concepts, and act out upon them.

Despite our elation for our newfound friendships, the more my sister and I hung around our role
models, the more discouraged we became in many ways. Why did we still keep Disney movies in our
cabinet, even though Disney was a hellish, evil movie company? Why did we still have a television? Why
did our dad still use a credit card? There were still so many standards that we did not adhere to, and I
became disheartened at this. I threw myself into the Bible harder and faster than I ever had before. I
prayed whenever I could. I begged the Lord to enlighten me, convict me, and work through me. The Lord
did a work in my heart, gradually revealing Himself to me in ways I had never known before. It was truly
a time of great spiritual refreshment for me. More than ever, I wanted to please God in the same way
that Ariel and her family did.

2. True friends, or not true friends?

Ariel and her family were extraordinarily loyal to the Church. I supposed this made sense; after all Christ
loved it and gave Himself for it. They never missed a Church service, and I endeavored to do the same.
That was, until one day when Christina and my piano teacher Mrs. Cynthia invited us to her Church for a
Sunday morning Christmas special.

“I composed the music for the choir and congregation,” she told us, handing me a copy. I was so excited!
Not only was I extremely interested in composition, but I loved my piano teacher greatly, and wanted to
support her and hear her compositions.

There was one small problem to this scenario. Actually, make that a huge problem. I would have to
break the news to Ariel somehow. This meant that not only would I have to admit that I was
participating in a Christmas function, but I was also going to be “disloyal” to my home Church by missing
a service! My parents and I talked it over a lot. They saw no such “abandonment” in attending one
service at another Church. I was always loyal to my home Church; this was simply an exception- an act of
kindness for a woman we knew and loved. So it was settled; there was nothing the least unbiblical about
our action. Somehow, though, I was beyond nervous when Saturday evening came. I firmly decided that

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I would call Ariel’s sister Mikayla instead. She was Christina’s close friend, and she had a more
compassionate and diplomatic personality than her rather blunt, straight-forward sister. When the
unholy hour came, I nervously picked up the phone, begging my sister to pick up the phone downstairs
so we could both talk.

“Hello, this is Mikayla, how may I help you?” the familiar cheery voice answered. My senses were a bit
eased by this greeting.

“Hi Mikayla, this is Colleen. I’m just calling to let you know that our family won’t be at Church
tomorrow.” I took a deep breath.

“Aww, why not?” she asked, sounding more disappointed at the absence of her friends than
judgmental.

With a bit more confidence, we told her the news about our piano teacher. I’m pretty sure we left out
the detail about it being a Christmas event. We just told her that our teacher worked really hard to
compose this music, and that we wanted to support her by coming.

There it was. The deathly silence that sent my insides lurching.

“We’ll miss you then,” she replied quite curtly. “And I hope that the pastor of the Church preaches a
convicting sermon on not forsaking your local assembly.”

I had no idea what to do or what to say. My hand turned to frozen rock around the phone, and my mind
went completely blank. How the conversation ended, I do not remember. But I do remember crying to
mom. I told her that it was so ridiculous that Christina and I couldn’t even attend our teacher’s Church
without receiving the blow of wrath and condemnation from our friends. Here they were, as close to
God as was ever a mortal on Earth, and they thought that we were disobedient heathens. It was simply
too much to bear. I teetered on the edge of bitterness toward them and bitterness toward myself. Mom
consoled me over the issue, but she told me something that truly shocked me that night.

“Honey, I don’t believe that Mikayla and Ariel are true friends.”

I know she said a lot of other things, and gave very good reasons for why she felt that way, but those
words stuck out to me like a sore thumb. Ariel…Mikayla…not true friends? I didn’t know what to think
about that, but I chose to conveniently ignore it.

3. Growing bonds
In the years that followed, after Christina and I cloned ourselves to our very best friends and spiritual
mentors, we had the greatest friendship I thought ever existed. We shopped together, sewed dresses
together, made caramel apples together, went to revival meetings together, started a girls’ singing
group together, played family games together, had Bible studies together, took walks together, shared
dreams, made future plans, learned eachothers’ personalities inside-and-out.

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Ariel and I wrote and called constantly, always ending our conversations with “I love you”, and “best
friends forever.” Less and less I viewed her as my mentor and more and more I saw her as my friend. I
felt free to be myself in front of her. Now that I knew all the spiritual politics, including what not to say,
and what subjects to avoid, it was quite easy to start seeing her as my co-equal sister in Christ. One day
she told me it would be so cool to have a sister-in-law with my last name (They had a brother my age). I
knew she was referring to me, and I was absolutely speechless.

In fact, I began to feel that I influenced her in many ways. After she became the Church pianist, she
would often consult me for my help to arrange and compose tunes for her, and to critique her playing.
Instead of feeling nervous that she wouldn’t like what I offered, I felt confident enough in music to enjoy
helping her with such favors.

“We really should make a CD together sometime,” she said with a smile. And she meant it.

4. A new family
Something happened in which Ariel’s family became disheartened with the Church. My family and I
understood, because there were many things about it that we did not like either. It was quite critical and
judgmental, and the congregation was unbearably legalistic at times. Ariel’s father was in a high position
in the Church, so they were in quite a tight space when it came to leaving or staying. Ariel, Mikayla,
Christina, and I would often talk over issues that discouraged us or upset us.

“We are just so glad that we have ya’ll,” they would say with a smile. “We don’t know what our family
would do if you guys left.”

Christina and I felt the exact same way. What on earth would we do without Mikayla and Ariel? Outside
our family, they were our closest friends in the whole world! Of course, even if they left the Church, our
friendship would continue as strong as ever. But we couldn’t bear to not see them each week at our
Church anymore!

Oneday Mikayla told me about a family that they kept up with. I will call them the Dannon family.

“They have girls our age, and they believe exactly the way we do!” She showed me a photo of the big
happy family. I stared at it. Wow…the Dannon family looked exactly like theirs…a gaggle of kids with
smiling faces, dressed to a T…

“I write to them every week,” she said, showing me her Bible stuffed with letters from the oldest girl.

“They look nice,” I said, smiling.

The Dannon family lived quite a few states away, so I didn’t feel threatened by this long-distance
friendship. But deep inside, I truly hoped it would stay long-distance. For some reason, my mom’s words
came back to me. More than ever, I hoped she was not right.

5. A family visit
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As the Church situation became messier and messier, Ariel’s family looked for other alternatives. My
family was right along with them. If they found any solutions, we would be happy to know, because it
was obvious that we would have to leave the Church at some point.

“The Dannon family visited us!” Ariel proclaimed to me one sunny Saturday morning. It was the day of
our piano recital (We both took from the same teacher, and so our recitals were held together).

I stared at her frilly hair and smiling face. The Dannon family…

“Here are the pictures. You have to see them! The Dannon family is sooo sweet! We just love their
girls!”

She beckoned for the camera from one of her sisters, and they eagerly switched through the photos,
one by one. I stared with disapproval at the photos. The Dannon girls; hair down to their waist with
smiling faces, standing beside Mikayla and Ariel. With their arms around each other, they looked as
happy as larks.

I responded enthusiastically, agreeing that the Dannons looked like a very nice family. However, the
entire reception long Ariel talked incessantly about them, and then Mikayla gaily joined in the
conversation. What was this, I wondered…A Dannon family fest? I wasn’t all that interested in hearing
about the Dannon’s “amazing marvelous girls”, and how like-minded their families were!

When we went home that day, I tried hard not to think about it.

6. Church discipline
More and more, Mikayla and Ariel’s family connected with the Dannon family in a way that was
surprisingly deep. The year that followed was strange; vacillating between our old close friendship, and
distant coldness. The more time they spent with the Dannons, the more they talked about them and
their “amazing family.” Ariel gave her Church piano duties over to me, and I found myself playing for
services constantly. Christina and I began to feel a bit abandoned. I continued to call Ariel, write her
cards, ending each in “I love you”, and “best friends forever”. But was it really true, I wondered? If at the
first sight of another godly family, they would leave us in the dust…were we really as best of friends as
we pretended to be?

Then, when our Church practiced discipline on Ariel’s family, I was horrified. It happened over a long
series of complicated events (basically they did not agree with everything the pastor put forth, and
would not recant). I felt so terrible for Ariel, who called me from the Dannon’s house to cry over the
phone. I called and wrote her to support her through the terrible event. I felt absolutely crushed for her
and her family. How could they have been treated so coldly by the Church after they were so loyal to it
for years?

But the worst was yet to come. The pastor said no one was to call or have close communion with Ariel’s
family. I would have none of it. I continued to call her, until one day….when everything changed around.

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One dark evening, on the way home from Church, I decided to call Ariel and see how she was doing. It
had been a couple weeks since we last spoke (they were with the Dannons, and no doubt busy as could
be). She answered the phone with her familiar cheery greeting.

After I said “Hey, it’s me Colleen!” her tone completely changed. It went from cheery to cold almost
instantly.

“Oh, hello…Colleen,” she replied.

I tried to get the conversation going, but it went nowhere. Ariel acted so distant that I had to finally
wrap up the conversation. After hanging up the phone, I was so confused. Why was my best friend
acting so cold to me? Had I done something to upset her? But no…I had called and written to support
her through the entire act of Church discipline. But now that all the waves had blown over, she treated
me like some distant relative.

With a heavy heart, I told myself that night that I was not going to call again until Ariel initiated it.

7. A friendship ended
Ariel never did initiate it. She never called. She never wrote. In fact, the next time I saw her was at our
piano recital months later. She treated me coldly and formally despite my happy attempts, and it was
almost too much to bear.

“Ariel’s graduation party is today,” one of her little sisters told me happily. “And she invited so many
friends!”

I was not one of those friends, and I knew it. It stung so badly, I had to ask Ariel’s mom why.

“You’re welcome to come if you want,” she said with a smiling face.

I did not come. I wanted nothing but to cry myself out of this awful nightmare. Ariel, my closest friend in
the entire world outside of my family….and she completely abandoned me. Why, why? I kept asking
myself. What had I done?

Why had Ariel and her family dropped our friendship? That is a complicated question I still ask to this
day. I have many speculations- all very good- but that is not the importance of this story. The
importance of this story is how I learned to cope despite losing a dear spiritual friend and mentor from
my life.

8. Lessons to be learned
They say that time heals wounds, but I tend to disagree. Time allows thorns and branches to grow over
those wounds and obscure them from immediate pain, but those wounds are still there; deep, burning,

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and a constant reminder of past hurts. Getting over the pain of losing Ariel and Mikayla was a
complicated process. I had to draw closer to the Lord, and allow Him to give me the strength and
wisdom to handle what had happened. However, there were so many wonderful lessons I learned from
the loss of the relationship we had. And these lessons can translate over to you if you have lost an
important spiritual relationship in your life.

1. View Christ Jesus as your role model

Because I had considered Ariel such a profound spiritual mentor, it was difficult once she was gone.
I had to stop looking to her for an example, and start looking to Christ and His word for guidance. Of
course my parents were tremendous role models, but I had elevated Ariel to a place in my mind that
was unhealthy; every person will fail you, and to view them as being ‘right below God’ is terribly
unhealthy- and wrong.

“ Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith...” Hebrews 12:2a

2. Find contentment in Him alone

Nobody said this was easy. But when we start finding our contentment in a friendship or a person,
we have stepped into dangerous ground. The Lord should be our source of contentment. Only He
can truly satisfy the desires of our hearts. Again, putting contentment in a human being or an
organization is a sure recipe for disaster. In doing so, you are standing on sinking sand. And once
that sand sinks, you will be pulled into its depths. The only way you will be able to escape it is by
reaching out for Christ.

“…for I have learned, in whatever state I am, therewith to be content.” Phil. 4:11b

3. Find security in Him alone.

Looking back, I realize that Ariel had become a huge source of my security. As long as I was friends
with her, I felt completely at rest. However, if we start finding our security in a person or an
institution, we will become like Joash, who “did that which was right in the sight of the LORD all the
days of Jehoiada the priest.” 2 Chron. 24:2.
The Lord needs to be the source of our security if we are going to press on with Him through thick
and thin.

4. Understand why you believe what you believe.

Never form a belief from the ideas of a person without any scripture to back up that belief. The
more I have grown as Christian, the more I’ve realized how many “convictions” I had developed only
because Ariel and her family believed a certain way. We can always learn from others, especially if
they are spiritually-minded, but we should always “be ready to give an answer to every man” (1

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 Peter 3:15) about every biblical belief we possess. When you are inspired by someone’s way of
living, and wish to mimic it, search out the scripture thoroughly to be sure that your convictions
aren’t based off a notion or twisted scripture. If you form a “conviction” without any guidance from
the Lord or his word, that belief will die once those people are out of your life.

5. Grow from trials; don’t get bitter

If you had asked me at that time why Ariel had left my life, I would have told you I had no idea. I
probably would have cried about how unfair it all was- that God had pulled such a close friend and
mentor out of my life. But looking back on it now, I understand that the Lord was trying to gently
purge the dross out of my life. Ariel had become too important in my life; and through the Dannon
family, he had gradually pulled her away from me, giving me time to draw closer to Him through it
all. All things work together for good in the Christian’s life. And when God gives us trials, they will
always strengthen us up in Him when all is said and done. Now I am so thankful that He removed
such great strongholds from me. Although I still dearly love Mikayla and Ariel, and forever will, I
realize that what happened happened for a reason. And through it I have become much stronger.

“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.” Jeremiah 17:7

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some
strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's
sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1
Peter 4:12-23