Established in fair Pittsburgh, where we lay our scene.
April
The Pittiful News
The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University
Practice analysis to help you
through your finals
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief
Greetings. If you are read-
ing this, then you are inevita-
bly in the middle of finals
week.
Finals week is a problemat-
ic time for many students,
mainly due to one format: the
essay/short answer test. That
type of test that actually re-
quires that you back up your
opinion, instead of just yelling
it or posting it in all caps on a
Youtube video. It’s hard, we
understand.
To that end, we have pre-
pared some sample answers to
a simple comparative politics
question. Though you might
not necessarily deal with this
exact material, take note of
the actual way that the ques-
tions are answered: which uses
logic and reasoning to present
an answer. (I know, logic and
reasoning in this publication? I
assure you, this is real.)
At the end, please note
which you think to be the best
one.
Question: Which political
system is better: parliamen-
tary or presidential?
1. Presidential systems are
better than parliamentary sys-
tems, simply due to accounta-
bility. In a parliamentary sys-
tem, the Prime Minister is
elected by Parliament, which
is elected by the people. How-
ever, this distances his role
from the people, unlike a Presi-
dential system, where the Pres-
ident is directly elected by the
people. In this way, a Presi-
dent will more directly repre-
sent the views of the people,
of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 20
26
2011
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
CROSSWORD (duh) by: Tim Horn
Distract yourself! Answer key is on the back! Good luck!
and avoid the dangers of elit-
ism.
2. Presidential systems are
definitely the best system ever,
especially compared to parlia-
ments, for one simple reason:
America has a presidential
sys te m . Am e ri ca i s a
waaaaaaay better country
than those limeys with their
parliaments. And the typical
French have a semi-
presidential system. Indecisive
and useless as ever. America
gives power to the people! And
that’s what a presidential sys-
tem does! So it’s better.
3. Parliamentary systems
are actually better than a pres-
idential system, for a number
of reasons. For one thing, par-
liamentary systems beckon in
more experienced system. The
Prime Minister will have to be
Across: 3.1415926535897932384626433
the best of the best, not neces-
1. University in West Virginia 8327950s
sarily able to just play the po-
4. (LXXII/IX)*(CCCXXIX/ 24. It collects
litical system, but actually
XLVII) 25. Boring subject in school
earn the respect of his fellow
5. Opposite of Lose 27. What 3-Down is.
politicians.
7. See 14-Down
Furthermore, parliamen-
8. End of 4-Down Down:
tary systems avoid the un-
9. Something shouted on the 1. Posvar Hall abbreviation
knowledgeable public. It is a
toilet 2. Synonym for nerd
massive problem with voters,
10. Not in the closet 3. What this puzzle virtually
to be uninformed about candi-
11. Arguably the best Star is, if done properly
dates. Parliament members
Wars movie ever. 4. With 8-Across, what goes in
will know who they are voting
12. Something shouted during the starred boxes.
in. The counter argument to
sex 14. See 7-Across
this is that the elected parlia-
13. Pointless tournament 16. Midwestern State
ment members can still be vot-
15. Ahglksnhgljshrgiuoshgs 21. _______ Newton
ed in by the same unknowl-
17. Saskatchewan 22. ____-Wan Kenobi
edgeable public, but the num-
18. Response to the question 23. Some computer crap
ber of elected officials makes
“Where were you?” 24. See 6-Across
this negligible.
19. Japanese money One of the unlabeled columns:
Finally, parliamentary sys-
20. Something a French person Teddy G
tems open up more political
says The other unlabeled column:
options; more parties can be
21. 3 Sounds like 13 Across
created to elect different mem-
22. Several
Essay, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

PITTIFUL COMICS by: Brigid Mulholland Keep going over my

essay answers
Essay, Page 1
-bers to Parliament, and then appropriate
members will ally to pick the Prime Min-
ister who holds the same public views as
the majority of the people. In a presiden-
tial system, the winner-take-all form
tends to create two parties, which do not,
in the end, represent the public’s views as
well.
So, which one was the best answer?
I’m certain that most people would
put #3, although some might say that #1
is right, despite being a bit on the shorter
side.
Whatever the case, you hopefully be-
lieve that #2 is a horrible argument and is
invalid.
However, I would urge you to look
over it again. I think you will find it to be
perfectly justified.
Happy finals!

The Pittiful News recommends that you

not use any of these answers for your test.
That is plagiarism, and it is wrong. Be-
sides, they were hastily put together just to
set up for an incredibly lame pun. They
aren’t suitable at all. Now, if you would
describe yourself as not suitable at all, then
by all means, take away. But don’t blame us
for your failures.

The Pittiful
News
CROSSWORD ANSWERS A Note to Any Who
Solved the Crossword
Without Cheating:

You lying lie-faced liar.

Will
Your nose is so long, I can
feel it from here. Or it’s
something else, because
your pants are on fire. And
really? You just had to be Return
noted for solving this? Was
it really that important
that you had to be dishon-

Next Year...
est about it. You suck,
dude/dudette. You’re
breaking my heart.