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1. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be
questioned about their motives.
4. When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
5. Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they
leave they take your house and car.
6. You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.
13. Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a
bedspring.
14. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit
them all at once.
15. I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.
16. Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
18. He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
21. You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
23. Why is the place you drive on, is a parkway, and the place you park on is the
driveway?
24. If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him
bambidextrous?
25. I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so I ordered French toast
during the renaissance.
26. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
27. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
28. If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would
it create beautiful irony?
30. Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
32. I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
33. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
35. Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be
better.
36. Yo Momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and I missed the first season of Lost.
37. If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.
39. Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him,
you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
41. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,
where the heck is the ceiling.
42. The noblest of dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.
43. The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
44. Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called
Builts?
45. When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
47. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
49. I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He
said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.
50. The Vending Machine Theory : "Stuff tastes better when it falls".
51. The most effective copyright protection known to man : a scratched CD.
52. A jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggressively. The barman says "All right, I'll
serve you. But don't start anything."
53. This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went
over, no one was home!
54. It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a
probability miracle!
55. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
Maurice