A Continuing Education in Being EPIC

Posted May 12, 2011

It is a little-known fact that being epic

is an everyday sort of thing—you don’t just BECOME that way and then STAY that way forever without effort. It
takes years of setting things on fire, perfecting cool one-liners, and moodily staring at walls to become epic.
And as if that weren’t hard enough, you have to actually continuebeing epic. You have to KEEP burning refuse,
spouting witticisms, and flipping your hair dramatically.  It’s not an easy life, but it is an awesome one filled with
wonder and meaning and pretend riches. Fortunately, now that you’ve all had time to master the tips from
lesson number one, you’re ready to move on to bigger and better things. Brace yourself for...

A CONTINUING EDUCATION IN EPIC-NESS.

Read the above phrase in an internally powerful voice. A booming voice. A VOICE FULL OF THUNDER.

Part one: Making your lame hobbies…EPIC! So maybe you’re into drinking water. Or sock puppetry. Or
reading pamphlets in your room for hours on end.  That’s great and all, but you should probably keep that to
yourself, right?  WRONG!  Now that you’re an intermediate student in the school of EPIC-OCITY, everything
you do is certifiably awesome. How? Well it all depends on the execution. For example:

The Lame Truth: I like to Google photos of dolphins all day long and then print them out and mail them to my
grandma!

Socially Acceptable:  Using the wonders of the internet, I admire the beauty of aquatic animals with my loved
ones.

HOLY CRAP THAT’S EPIC: I’m planning an expedition to the middle of the ocean. There, my kick-boxing
grandmother and I will locate dolphins using only internet photos and a fishing boat. We will then create an
alliance with the dolphins and proceed to rule the oceans with an iron fist, controlling all sea trade and marine
life.
The Lame Truth: I like to knit mittens for my cats! I have 34 of them!  They each have 3 pairs of wee little
mittens!

Socially Acceptable: I’m starting an experimental fashion line for animals that may make me rich.

HOLY CRAP THAT’S EPIC: I am currently training a feline army. Each cat is taught karate, assassination, and
the piano. Right now I’m teaching them how to use mittens to conceal grenades and tiny pianos. And also
regular sized pianos. It’s going rather well.

The Lame Truth: I collect stuffed unicorns! AND I SLEEP WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT!  MY FAVORITES ARE
NAMED WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT AND SULLIVAN JONES!  I like to pretend they are roommates in a wacky
sitcom in which their neighbor is an eccentric  stuffed duck cleverly named “The QUACK-er Oatmeal Guy” and
crazy hi-jinks ensue!  I love my stuffed animals. I love them so, so much.

Um…I haven’t really figured out how to fix this one yet.

Part Two: Liking things that are inherently awesome. Some things are better than other things. This is a
universal truth. But another truth is that there are things which are awesome and will automatically make you
awesome. Unless you go and suck them up somehow. Like with a crappy prequel trilogy. But that would never
happen.

1. Epic trilogies. If you run around dressed in a robe waving around a cardboard tube and making
“VRRRRMMM!  BZZZZOOOOM!” sounds normally, people stare at you weird. But if you do that exact same
thing as a jedi, you are a remarkable human being. Since you will probably never be a jedi, just pretend to be
one and also make a tauntaun reference every once in a while. This same principle holds true with hobbits and
hardy, bearded men.

2. Astronauts. They are awesome because not only do they fly into space and wear shiny helmets, they also
wrestle aliens and make huge explosions just because a dumb asteroid is in the way of their cool, cool
spaceship.

3. Ladles. Because spoons are for wussies.

4. Wearing mismatched clothing. Why? Because when your shirt is orange and your pants are blue and also
actually a decorative tea towel, you’re saying, “WHOA, man. I’ve got better things to do with my time than
match my shoes to my belt. Those swords aren’t going to just wield themselves.”

Part Three: Other things that you should know and do but that aren’t really categorized because
organization is for mathematicians and also squared and you don’t want to be either, do you?

1. Never actively participate. You’re an adolescent. That would be, like, so uncool.
2. Say things that are completely out of context and yet also indisputable. For example, any time is a good time
to say, “Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete” or “key lime pie is delicious and I’m very good at
making it.”

3. Start your conversations with a bang. Don’t just be all, “Hey guys, what’s up?” when you COULD say, “HAIL,
BRETHEREN! GO WE TO BATTLE ON THE MORNING?!?!”

4. Imply. You should imply things all the freaking time because if you didn’t actually SAY it, then no one can get
mad.  If I imply someone is psycho and then they turn out to be psycho, I’m witty and perceptive. But if they
aren’t, then DUDE, stop being so sensitive that comment wasn’t about your mental health AT ALL, chill.

5. Give yourself well-earned badges of honor. That way you can say that you have earned 234 awards in the
past month. I’ve personally given myself the “Coyotes Did Not Maul Me Today” badge of honor recently. These
types of medals and ribbons make excellent conversation starters at parties.

6. Have riveting philosophical debates with yourself, your friends, your mom, and reluctant passerby.  Where
does your lap go when you stand up?  Why are birds such jerks in general?  What is the purpose of the color
blue?
7. On a scale from 1 to 10, always choose 4 or 6, no matter the topic, because it says, “Yeah, I have an opinion
on this.  But it’s cool.  Whatever.”

And THAT'S how to continue being epic.

Are you currently, or have you ever at any point, been epic? Were there swords involved?