A Genius Jehna Production

The Stressed
out Students’
Guide to
surviving
school.

ENGLISH EDITION
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Table of
Contents
Introduction

Part I
Essays

Pre-essay Teacher Coercion and Interrogation

Length and Word Fixes

Transitions

Citations

Plagiarism

Speeches

Making it memorable

Ideas

Part II

How to annoy teachers.

Procrastination

Energy and Snacks

About the Author

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Introduction
Every student has faced the challenges and atrocities that
come with English class, including eccentric English teachers
who have impossible French or Italian surnames, essays with
ridiculous parameters, and annual speeches. This guide is
designed to make you a better student, and to take your work
to the next level. Included in this work of literary excellence are
strategies to make teachers adjust assignments, techniques to
make essays longer-length and word-wise, and more. Every
student who wants to succeed in class should read this guide.
We have had parents email saying that once their child used
the methods described in this guide, their children’s marks were
changed by as much as 13%*! This guide has also been
proven** to cut school-induced student stress with our helpful
snack ideas and procrastination aids.

Our readers include:

Failing Student - Reads this book because he or she is getting below 86%, and
wishes to pass instead of fail. The student may also want to keep up with his or her peers.

Average Student - Reads this book to improve their work in English class, and
secretly wants to achieve something greater than the norm thus advancing their status.

Smart Student - Reads this book to either laugh about the people who actually
read this (93%+) or reads this book to make sure that they are using the right methods.

Note: Genius Student was not included because there is only one and she
wrote the guide.

* 13% drop or raise ** Tests conducted at the ITT Technical Institute of Utah.

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The Essay
(These methods were put into use in the introduction.)

Pre-Essay Teacher Coercion and Interrogation

When assigned an essay, questions are your best friend.
You can also easily lighten your load by asking the right
questions. Be sure to make the teacher clarify whether the
essay is supposed to be double-spaced or not, as this can
make a dramatic difference in your perception of the
assignment. {hmm...Option 1: 2 pages single-spaced! or Option 2: 4
pages double-spaced...ahh option #2 please.} Teachers may also be
swayed to make essay assignments less demanding if you
argue that your workload is completely overloaded with
google-ing spoilers due to the upcoming finale of the Biggest
Loser. {All teachers are closet Biggest Loser fanatics, some even dream of
leaving their dreary jobs and becoming Jillian Michaels. <They still get to
instruct people, but there’s more yelling involved> }

Length and Word Fixes

Word minimums, page minimums, and paragraph
minimums, what more? Have no fear, the guide is here! We all
struggle with these ridiculous parameters for essays. Teachers
say ‘Its quality not quantity,’ is this really true? If it were, we
wouldn’t have all of these unfair minimums. Unfortunately these
horrid instructions usually come with every essay. Here are some
steps a student can take to get around them.

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Strategy #1

Font.

Essays can appear longer if specific fonts are used.

eg.

Century Gothic 12pt: I hate essays.

Arial 12pt: I hate essays.

Arial Narrow 12pt: I hate essays.

I hate essays.
Helvetica 12pt:
I hate essays.
Times New Roman 12 pt:

Notice how some fonts take up more room making your essay
appear longer.

If a font limit has been set at for example 12 pt, you can easily
change your font size to 12.1 or 12.2; daredevils may even try 13
pt. The slight differences won’t be noticed by your teacher, who
is in a zombie like haze induced by marking so many essays.

Punctuation:

Another method is to make all of the punctuation one or two

sizes bigger. (.,;:’”)-!) vs. (.,;;’”)-!) Although it may seem that the
first set is bigger at 14 pt, when put into an essay it is virtually
invisible. It can be implemented by using the ‘Find and
Replace’ feature of most word processing software. Simply find
the small punctuation and replace it with larger punctuation.
Punctuation can also be enlarged using Bolding.

Strategy #2

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Spacing and Margins.

Another way to make essays longer is using spacing and

margins. Margins can be increased slightly to ‘squish’ your essay
and make it appear longer. Spacing can be tweaked to 1.2 for
a single spaced paper or 2.2 for a double spaced paper.
Double spaces can also be used after punctuation. These
methods will add pages to your puny piece of parchment.

Margins, Spacing and after Punctuation Spacing:

eg.

I hate essays. They were devices I hate essays. They

designed for use on veterinarians but
are currently used on students. They
make my 99s go to 98s. They make my
nose feel like snow and my toes feel like
hair clips.
were devices designed for
use on veterinarians but are
currently used on students.
They make my 99s go to 98s.
They make my nose feel like
snow and my toes feel like
hair clips.

Observe the difference

above. When measured from the bottom of the page, #2 is
dramatically longer!

Strategy #3

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Adjectives, Longo-nyms and Contraction Elimination.

Now, you may be thinking ‘adjectives’? Are those messed

up objectives or something? Nope. Adjectives are actually the
secret weapon of the Smart Students (Similar to the Uzi of the
IDF). Adjectives are the best solution to deal with word
minimums. Adjectives, when added in appropriate places can
make your essays increase in word count by as much as 50% or
more! They can also make your essays more interesting and
move your teacher’s highlighter up the rubric!

eg. The snake went to the store.

vs.

The audacious slimy snake silently slithered to the smelly store.

Longo-nyms are synonyms that are much longer than the

original word. For example, ‘whether’ can be used instead of
‘if’.

Conjunction Elimination:

In a formal essay, scholars advise not using contractions.

Contractions can ruin a perfectly long essay as well as a formal
essay. Consider replacing ‘wouldn’t’ with ‘would not’ etc.

You may also consider placing more than one space between
paragraphs(a Genius Jehna Favourite, aka quadruple spacing),
or making an elaborate, grand and space consuming title.

Refer to the Introduction for a demonstration of the aforementioned strategies.

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Transitions
Transitions are helpful in adding words to your essay, and
sending the rubric to Canada when used in pesky in-class essays.
Genius Jehna suggests that you consult the following list of transitions
in making your essays less stool-like.
Addition: Emphasis: Sequence:
also, again, as well as, above all, chiefly, with at first, first of all, to begin
besides, coupled with, attention to, especially, with, in the first place, at
furthermore, in addition, particularly, singularly the same time,
likewise, moreover, Similarity: for now, for the time
similarly comparatively, coupled being, the next step, in
Consequence: with, correspondingly, time, in turn, later on,
accordingly, as a result, identically, likewise, similar, meanwhile, next, then,
consequently, for this moreover, together with soon, the meantime, later,
reason, for this purpose, Exception: while, earlier,
hence, otherwise, so then, aside from, barring, simultaneously, afterward,
subsequently, therefore, besides, except, in conclusion, with this in
thus, thereupon, excepting, excluding, mind,
wherefore exclusive of, other than, Summarizing:
Generalizing: outside of, save after all, all in all, all things
as a rule, as usual, for the Restatement: considered, briefly, by
most part, in essence, in other words, and large, in any case, in
generally, generally namely, that is, that is to any event,
speaking, ordinarily, say, in brief, in conclusion, on
usually in short, in brief, to put it the whole, in short, in
Exemplifying: differently summary, in the final
chiefly, especially, for Contrast and analysis,
instance, in particular, Comparison: in the long run, on
markedly, namely, contrast, by the same balance, to sum up, to
particularly,  including, token, conversely, summarize, finally
specifically, such as instead, likewise, Diversion:
Illustration: on one hand, on the by the way, incidentally
for example, for instance, other hand, on the Direction:
for one thing, as an contrary, rather, here, there, over there,
illustration, similarly, yet, but, beyond, nearly, opposite,
illustrated with, as an however, still, under, above,
example, in this case nevertheless, in contrast in the distance

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Citations
Citations are the product of librarians with too much time
on their hands, who wish to make us pay for our wikipedia-ing
habits. Though we may hate them, how would it feel like if some
brat read your stuff and used it in their piece of crap essay that
they’re probably not going to get perfect on anyway? Bad. In
reality most of our stuff will never be read by anyone besides
the teacher and/or a ‘peer marker’. (Peer marker = someone who
pretends to proofread your work when they could really care less.) So,
why waste time on our citations?
Instead of wasting time or bribing friends to do citations and fill
in those annoying ‘required fields’ in NoodleBib (or similar
software), consider placing the correct title and and author in
the citation (if you have the energy) then proceeding to fake
the rest. Your citations might even become fun if you put funny
dates in for publication dates, such as your birthday or the-day-
apple-released-the-first-iphone day.

Plagiarism
Plagiarism: the perfect solution to writer’s block. Dedicated to
this cause are many websites that provide free essays and
facts. If your essays are not checked for plagiarism you are free
to go ahead with one step: read through the essay and
change it to your style of writing and add your ideas. If your
essay is checked for plagiarism, consider taking the plagiarized
passage and reposting it elsewhere on the internet. For
example you can post it on your blog, fictionpress account, or
livejournal etc. This step will cause the plagiarism ‘checker’ to
find the plagiarized passage on one of your sites. When
questioned you can prove that the account is yours and claim
that you wanted to share the essay elsewhere so others could
enjoy your masterpiece. Hopefully the ‘checker’ does not
detect the original source of the plagiarized portion. If this
occurs then, ...you’re err... screwed.

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The Speech
Speeches might as well be the blandest, and most atrocious
assignments in the world. Let’s start with listing the worst parts of
having to do a speech:

1. You have to talk in front of people, teachers, and/or judges

who are all judging you.

2. Content; you have to think of something to say for a whole 3+

minutes (depending on your level) - unless you want to fail
and feel awkward.

3. You have to imagine everyone in their underwear for an

extended period of time or end up staring at a wall and getting
a bad mark.

Making it Memorable
Now that we have contemplated the challenges of being
forced to write and say a speech, we can move on to how to
make it interesting.

Consider choosing to do a dramatic monologue if the option is

available. In a dramatic monologue you can improvise and
even act like a lunatic and still receive a decent mark. Be sure
to clarify that any improv/outbursts were all part of your plan, or
your mark could suffer because of bad acting or failing to
convince the viewers.

If you get stuck doing a regular speech, then try to make your
delivery especially unique. Include dramatic ‘Did you knows’
with hand actions, dramatic pauses and farts.

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Ideas
Stumped? Here’s package of pop tarts dropped on a starved you from a
C-130 Hercules.

Talk about something awkward in a serious tone.

+ For example
+ Pink polka dotted boxer-briefs under tight low-rise white
pants.
+ The effects of anti-aging lotion on armpits.
+ Methods of disposing of projectile snot lodged in elbow
cracks.

Make a speech on speeches

+ No not a speech on making speeches or the speech giving
process. A speech on other speeches.
+ Consider examining the speeches of various figures;
recite long passages from these speeches and discuss.
+ These speeches can make time filling a breeze, as
all you are doing is saying someone else's speech,
then saying something about it.

Talk about a very specific rarely used {in school} noun.

+For example
+EPIRBs
+Luminol
+Ablution

Discuss various terraforming possibilities.

+Earthlings vs Martians: the battle for the Maran Heights
+Biosphere designs (Caution: ccould be boring if lacking creativity.)

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How to annoy
annoying teachers
Disclaimer:
These suggestions are for entertainment purposes only, the
United States Congress does not support any harm of teachers.
Some crappy ideas on how to annoy teachers. Note: the best
ideas are derived on a teacher-by-teacher basis after
continued observation of their tastes.

1. Always question why something must be done

2. Eat during class discussions; include chewing sounds and

mmmhhmmmmms or make obscure noises

3. Call the teacher by their first name

4. Always raise your hand and say the answer at the same time

5. Distract other students, make discussions go off topic

6. Email the teacher asking redundant questions on weekends

or at odd times; send the message multiple times

7. Stalk your teacher online; send them messages and view their
favourites (eg. on youtube)

8. Leave confetti on their stuff

9. Place eggs in their cups

10. Ask them to repeat questions, and insist that you are stressed

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Procrastination
Procrastination is the most fun and stressful process of a
student. It is also the most common disease induced by
unsavory assignments. We all procrastinate, but some of us
procrastinate better than others. Here are some ways to
becoming a better procrastinator or procrastinatirce.

Watch useful and educational videos on youtube.

Including:

www.youtube.com/householdhacker/

-Helps with learning basic life skills

www.youtube.com/user/KENYAMASI/

-Helps you master the Gujarati language in a humourous way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9oxmRT2YWw

-Provides insight into the relationship between nose blowing

and babies

Browse online for useful products

www.camouflage.ca

-Pre-apocalyptic materials available for purchase

Genius Jehna’s Favourite Entertainment Sites:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

-An amazing feat of creativity.

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Energy and Snacks

Maintaining a good supply of energy is key to surviving
English assignments. The use of brain foods has proven to be
effective in alertness, productivity and mood
Genius Jehna recommends:
Beverages: Snacks: Meals:
Purple Gatorade Peanut butter Penne Pomodoro
Chai Twinkies/Clowny Cakes Pizza pops
Soy Milk Häagen-Dazs Corn and Cream Cheese
These meal combinations have not been FDA approved; consume at your own risk.

About the Author

Genius Jehna was born on July 24, 1996. Jehna’s
interests include pink, ponytails, and tactical
combat. Her most prized possessions include her
pink Prada glasses, and her large array of knives.
Her hobbies include marksmanship, ear-touching
and online shopping. On weekends Jehna can be
found sleeping and shredding homework. She
hardly works and believes that she is superior to all
other beings, besides her dog Khol.

From her early childhood, it became evident that

she was born a genius. As she grew she developed a hate for English and
a love for math and science. Inspired by the terrible teachers at
Collingwood School, at the age of 14, she wrote this guide for an English
assignment, in 6 hours. Unfortunately, in the near-future she will be forced
to write a two page reflection on this 6 hour journey. Jehna is also an avid
rubric-hater.

In the future Jehna plans to attend Harvard University and graduate after
only one day. After that she plans to take herself to the realm of polka dots
and live happily ever after with her hair accessories and firearms.

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