Emotional Literacy Opened My Eyes 1

Emotional Literacy Opened My Eyes

Crystal Luke

Marylhurst University

BM 361

Professor Cora Lonning

May 1, 2011
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Emotional literacy has opened my eyes to many aspects of myself.

Emotional literacy involves the psychology of dealing with emotions and their

causes. This class intrigued me right away because it taught us material

that could be related to real life scenarios. In addition, a big portion of the

clarity I received in learning what type of communicator I want to become

came from the feedback I received from the interview questions with my

family. I grew up a pretty shy child and had a lot of personal issues and

questions that I had in the back of my mind that never quite got answered,

but after learning about Eric Berne's theory of Transactional Analysis and the

three ego states people express at any given time, I feel like I know myself

better and can now work on ways to improve my communication utilizing the

material I have learned in the last few weeks. The readings regarding

emotional literacy was very interesting as I could relate to many concepts of

the ego that make up my personality. Some of the ways I hope to improve

my communicating skills include listening better, requesting timely feedback

on issues, and express my feelings in a non-judgmental manner (Steiner,

2000).

In order to change the communicative and emotional landscapes in our

world, people need to combat power plays and violence. As history has

shown time and time again, violence begets violence, and early in life people
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discover the role they will play, which is either the victim or the victimizer.

After spending our childhood at the mercy of other people’s

whims, we accept as natural that we should be either
Victimizers or Victims, one-up to some and one-down to
others, leader or follower, dominator or dominated. The
slapped child becomes the parent who slaps, the child who
is dominated and controlled becomes the parent who
dominates and controls. We accept abuse and control power
as the way of the world. (Steiner, 2000).

Traditions are passed on from one generation to the next and so on through

life 'cycles'. It is crucial that people realize their own emotional literacy

issues so they can break bad cycles (things that bring forth violence and

despair) before they go on for too long. The longer the tradition has been

alive the harder it will be to conquer. People need to combat the inner bully

which is the Critical Parent. Dr. Steiner emphasized the need for being

emotionally literate, “leading with our heart” and developing our “own

charisma” while “looking out for others,” because these are the ways to find

the power of love. Furthermore, emotional literacy is an important factor in

seeking one's true power by overcoming various personality traits that keep

us down. In order to truly love others and ourselves people need to be

honest and take responsibility for our actions. We should also be aware of

the impact our emotions play in our life. While some people have a lack of

emotion, others are the opposite and over-zealously sensitive to the slightest

comment, of which I am the latter. There are three ego states or modes of

behavior which can be displayed by a person at any given time; they are:
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child, parent, and adult states of normal personality. The Child represents

creative and emotional parts of oneself, while the Adult acts as a “human

computer” and processes most rational thoughts and actions. The Adult

does not express emotions but makes necessary decisions for everyday

processes; however, it can be influenced in making decisions by either the

Child or Parent ego. The Parent acts to “protect” one from hurtful attitudes

but usually inflicts pain with 'tape-recording' phrases that hurt our self-

esteem. Although most everyone has some kind of “inner bully” or as Freud

called it the “harsh superego” it is imperative to get to the root of the low

self-esteem triggers to heal and get past it. By paying attention to the ego

traits expressed by others we will better be able to learn about that person.

Dr. Steiner mentioned the importance of sharing strokes best by stating,

“The procurement of strokes is the motivation for interaction. People seek

love; love is exchanged transactionally, through strokes.” (Steiner, 2000)

Strokes are a way to give recognition to someone and can impact them

positively or negatively; they can be offered physically as in offering a hug

or verbally with a compliment. It is an action that can be used to tally up

one's behavior as good or bad. Listening is a great way to display a positive

stroke to others as it shows interest and respect for the other person. One

of my goals since taking this class is offering more strokes to people I

encounter. (Steiner, 2000)

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There are three roles we “play” when we participate in the “games” of

life, where the roles can switch seamlessly among the three at any time;

they are: the Persecutor, the Rescuer, and the Victim. Since scripts are not

“hardwired into our brains...We can change them by changing our minds and

acting in new, more productive ways.” The Rescuer takes care of people,

preventing their client(s) to make their own choices. They do things for

others that may or may not want it and/or do more than their fair share. All

the work they do for others can eventually lead to anger and abrupt lashing

out as they quickly change to portray the Persecutor role where they

“criticize, judge, preach and punish.” The Victim allows others to “run their

lives and take care of them” since they portray a person who is “incapable of

making decisions.” Dr. Steiner states we “stick to these roles...to get strokes

by playing...the roles [that] give meaning to our lives.” (Steiner, 2000)

According to the Thomas-Kilmann instrument I scored highest on

Collaborating and lowest in Accommodating. Collaborating involves being

both assertive and cooperative and therefore strives to resolve situations to

the benefit of both parties. I completely agree that this is how I try to solve

problems because I ultimately seek a good, beneficial resolution for all.

When I was growing up I did not express my opinions because they were

rarely asked and socializing was not a big part of my family life. However, as

an adult I have really come out of my shell since I have somewhat

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conformed to my extrovert husband's ways. I scored very low in

accommodating, which is an unassertive and cooperative way to handle

conflict. I used to accommodate my behavior to benefit others growing up

and I realized over the years it was emotionally draining and hurtful. I think

collaborating and accommodating are both good ways to handle conflict;

however, compromising would be better than accommodating as it would

lead to a happier medium between the two groups.

My Personal Listening Profile shown that my two most natural listening

approaches are Comprehensive and Empathic. The comprehensive approach

to listening entails organizing information to configure the meaning of the

message. The empathic approach to listening means you are sentimental to

others' feelings by supporting and understanding their feelings. In a way I

see empathy as a compassionate person's sixth sense. I think I listen with

the comprehensive approach in part due to English being my second

language. When I was first learning the English language at age six I broke

down sentences that people stated so I could understand it. I think part of

the way I was raised in a very reserved family with limited social interactions

with others made me feel mistrusting of others in a way that makes me

question the validity of people I encounter and thus played a major role in

my passive, shy manner as a child and teenager.

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The Value Attitudes Worksheet shown that my attitudes are more

situational than either strong or indifferent to a given situation. From least

important to most important I rated in the following order: 6) Individualistic,

5) Aesthetic, 4) Theoretical, 3) Traditional, 2) Social, and 1) Utilitarian.

From rating in this order I discovered that I am a person not typically

concerned with power (especially politics) or with artistic abilities and

graces. I am a slightly conservative (somewhat old-fashioned) liberal

thinker who seeks the ultimate American Dream vision of a successful

business person in means of financial and social wealth! (Value Attitudes,

2011).

For the interview, I chose to ask my husband, his brother and mother,

since they are the closest family to me. I always thought that I was a good

listener because in my own introverted way I felt I was more comfortable

listening than speaking. However, I learned just because I am coy in public

does not equate to being a good listener. My husband actually told me that

many times he harnesses what he wants to say to me because he doesn't

want to hurt my feelings (because he knows I am sensitive). I was told my

attitude changes from day to day and sometimes I am a better listener when

my mood is good, and other times I seem disconnected and bored like I am

daydreaming. My husband also mentioned that I make too many judgments

on things he says and thinks I am a little pessimistic. I will work on

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communicating with him in a mutually beneficial – neutral tone while

explaining my thoughts in a positive manner. His brother and mother had

similar responses. When I speak with them it is usually abrupt as I fear the

awkward silence that can come up and unknowingly respond quickly to kill

the conversation. They said that I displayed signs of a good listener with

good nonverbal communication such as eye contact, and sharing smiles and

nods, but the real underlying issue I have to face to become a better

communicator is to first deal with my emotions by controlling them better.

One way I have tried remedying a situation or conflict is by using the

action/feeling statement. It is understood best when it is kept simple to

“what happened and how you felt,” and it is a good method to communicate

certain feelings in a non-judgmental way.

Every person lives a unique life personalized by choices they make, yet

they are also strongly influenced by their environment, their upbringing, and

social interactions. Communication is key to establishing and maintaining

healthy relationships. Learning more about yourself is invigorating because

it makes you feel more in control of yourself. We are all a part of several

cultures that help make up our personality and attitude we take on life.

According to Axner and DuPraw (2007):

Culture is a complex concept, with many different definitions.

But, simply put, "culture" refers to a group or community with
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which we share common experiences that shape the way we

understand the world. It includes groups that we are born into,
such as gender, race, or national origin. It also includes groups
we join or become part of. For example, we can acquire a new
culture by moving to a new region, by a change in our economic
status, or by becoming disabled. When we think of culture this
broadly, we realize we all belong to many cultures at once.

I strongly believe communication is key to any working relationship

whether it be with a close loved-one, a friend, a mentor, or a colleague.

Though we live in a diverse culture in the U.S., we could all benefit from

being a positive person. We communicate with body language and facial

reactions just as much as we do with the words spoken. The U.S. is a

diverse country and is very special because of all the contributions made by

each individual – like pieces to a spectacular puzzle. In order to build

strong relationships with others and ourselves, it is crucial to let down our

self-made defense gates and open our ears and hearts to others. We need

to train ourselves to stop judging and build trust and love by accepting

ourselves and by exchanging in honest, respectful communication. To be a

good listener takes a bit of practice and work, but in the end it is worth it to

lend a courteous ear to others. This class has taught me a lot more about

open communication with those close to me, so instead of speaking over

each other, we are trying to work on respecting each others turn to speak by

providing full attention. I hope to improve my listening skills and further

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improve communication by instilling the use of daily positive strokes to

myself and others and practice improving my emotional literacy. A lack of

communication between two parties can cause big problems where one

person can get so fed up in dealing with their emotions that one person may

'blow up' at someone. Becoming more emotionally literate helps a person

learn about their true self. The psychology of how people behave and the

theories that were discussed during the course as well as the assessment

tools used to help build our clarity on changes needed to become a better

communicator has been an eye opening experience. Instead of just acting

on a whim which usually leads to overreacting, I have learned to

communicate with enough space between conversations so I have some time

to properly think over the issue and discuss it with less explosive emotions.

We learned that we display a Child, Parent, or Adult ego and can take on the

role of the Rescuer, Persecutor, or Victim. Being aware of these roles allow

people who are trained in emotional literacy to have the upper hand in

resolving issues. Although the life plan I chose for myself as a child greatly

influenced my reasons for self-doubt and guides my usual passive behavior, I

have accommodated my ways over the years as I am continually learning

who and what I want to be. By accepting myself and learning to become

more emotionally literate, I can take more control of the script which I call

my life.
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REFERENCES

Axner, M., & DuPraw, M. (1997). Working on Common Cross-cultural

Communication Challenges. Toward a More Perfect Union in an Age of
Diversity.

Steiner, C. (2000). Emotional literacy: Intelligence with a heart. Fawnskin,

CA: Personhood Press.