Ruling the Tongue, Preserving Unity

For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. James 3:7-8 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as ts the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:29-32 The Gospel, Unity, and our Tongues Christ died for our unity. On the way to Calvary he prayed for our unity (John 17:21-23). Paul calls us to labor to preserve unity in the Spirit (Eph 4:1-3). This paper focuses on words and their effect on the unity of the church. There is little doubt that even human observation leads to the conclusion that the words we speak have potential to do good or evil. God, who created all things by his word, has made our words with considerable power. For example, in addition to the passages above, Proverbs tells us the tongue: has potential for death and life (18:21) brings forth wisdom (10:31) wounds like a sword and it heals (12:18) is a tree of life or it breaks the spirit (15:4) atters and harms, or it brings life giving rebuke (28:23) sows discord and prolongs strife (6:19; 16:28; 26:20, 27) brings information about others that deeply stains their impression of another (18:8) The overall emphasis of Scripture is restraint of words and the wise use of words. We nd that in many words there will be sin (Prov 10:19). We nd that we may speak words that build up and give grace (Eph 4:29). Failure to consider our words often disrupts the unity of the Spirit. But there is grace even where we sin with our words. Every sin of the tongue was experienced by Christ on the way to the cross. He was lied about, accused, mocked and condemned for our sake. And he forgave those who sinned against him in this manner just as he forgives us. Words relate directly to justication. Sometimes we may seek to defend ourselves or accuse others with our words. We are justied by him because he bore our sin on the cross and not because we have convinced others of our innocence. Others are justied not because we are convinced of their innocence or that they have properly repented but because they have One who sits at the right hand of God interceding for them. We do not have a judge in heaven but an advocate. Their advocate and ours is the same. This is the basis of our unity. Our neighbor is not on trial in our conicts, the gospel is. For it is by our love for one another that the world will know that God sent Jesus into the world and that he has loved us as the Father has loved him (Jn 17:23). God carefully directs the use of words, denes sin in our words, and there is always a path of repentance and forgiveness when we sin with our words. (I John 1:8-10)

Words, Unity, and the Path of Peace in Christ At the heart of the Law is the ninth commandment, prohibiting a false witness against another. A false witness is both a liar and someone who conveys information that is distorted or incomplete. It leads to a bad reputation, prejudice, or even criminal charges and penalties. God desires to protect the name and reputation of those who bear his image, just as he protects the truth about his own glory. Why is this so important? Because, in a fallen world we experience conict with others. In our conict we are tempted to use words in a way that incites the conict, wins people to our side, or damages the good name of the other. Scripture provides for and encourages a clear path through interpersonal conict. The process of Matthew 18 is designed to preserve the good names of the parties involved, and to address uncharitable judgments, misunderstandings, and humble responsiveness. Matthew 18 is a linked to dozens of Scriptures in the Old and New Testament related to justice and truth-telling about others. The offense is to be handled personally and privately. This is not a rst step, not repeated. It is a rst step pursued with patience and humility in Christ. This is to protect the other from sin, preserve the unity and purity of the church, and guard each others reputations. The provision for 2 or 3 witnesses is to be seized only when the offense/concern is presented and 1. is not met with a favorable response, and 2. cannot be faced with forbearance. The provision of third parties is to conrm the facts, to be objective listeners and observers. They can address whether the issues at hand are observable or simply uncharitable judgments and bitterness rooted in pride or lack of confession. Since the entire purpose of the process is repentance and peace, the use of a third party should be done in such a way that everyone involved knows that this is being pursued. There is little room for a secret third party. There is plenty of room for telling the other person in the conict that you want to involve a third party because you cannot come to a settled peace about the matter. Overall, the process is slow, patient, forbearing, charitable. While there are exceptions that require hastier actions, those deal with scandalous or threatening sin, not the normal life of redeemed sinners relating to other redeemed sinners with forbearance and forgiveness. When pursued, it reects the beauty of Christ whose patience and love for us forbears with our sin, and covers our sin. He does not number our sins or we could not stand. He does not publicly shame us when we sin. As he has loved us, so we love each other. With this in mind we suggest the following for guidance in pursuing the help of others in a conict: Before I speak with someone about sin or a conict of a third party I should ask: Have I done everything I can to be at peace with this person? Have I gone to them patiently and faithfully and sought their good and our unity? Am I wrestling with forbearance? Am I wrestling with faith to keep pressing into the conict? How does Jesus treat me when I do not see my sin? How does that inform this situation? Am I going to a third party as a short cut? Why am I ceasing to go to the other person?

 Is there a reason I cannot tell the other person that I want to resolve things with them and want us to get help together? Do I have to go in secret? why? (Phil 4: 2 speaks of a public conict which others were to serve.) Why do I need to share this? Are there legal matters present? is someone at risk of great harm? Certain occasions call for speaking to save life or prevent great sin. There are times when it is appropriate to speak of the sin of another, but always with the intent of addressing it. What person is most able to help me? Will I go to someone who will speak truth to me or someone who will sympathize with me? Am I going to a totally neutral third party or someone who already has a conclusion or perspective on this other person? What help do I think this person will give me? Am I aware that once spoken, the potential of my words is to sow discord among brothers or to tempt the other person to meddle or be a busybody and bring trouble to the church? (Prov 6:19; 26:17; 1 Tim 5:13) How much do I need to share about the other person? do I need to reveal their identity? Am I aware of the dangers of leaving them anonymous but telling enough detail about the conict that I tempt the third party to speculate? Will my sharing this prejudice the third party to the other person? Or will it tempt them to defend them? Will they take sides? Before I engage in listening to someone with a complaint against a third party: Am I prepared to stop them from sharing, and ask why they are seeking the help of a third party? am I prepared to press into their hearts about their forbearance? their intentions in bringing me into this? Do they plan for involve me in a meeting with the other person or not? Do I understand how Jesus responded in one case when asked to mediate? (Luke 12:14) Am I aware of the temptation to meddle, be a busybody, be prejudiced by gossip, to prolong a feud? (Prov 6:19; 16:28; 26:17, 20) Am I called to encourage them to forbear? or to take the next step with resolution? Am I predisposed to press them to a face to face resolution? or will I allow them to linger in not getting face to face? Am I ready to be the outsider mediator to help them reconcile? Am I able to hear their concerns without prejudice or should I recuse myself and refer them to someone else? Will I be tempted to meddle and thus take the dog by the ears? Am I ready to call them to seek the appropriate help in a serious situation -- whether legal, pastoral, police? In the midst of the process where a third party is serving: Am I keeping in mind the clarity God has about the sin of my words and the full sacrice Christ offered for my many slips of the tongue? Am I self-righteous, thinking I am above the person in the conict or any of the person(s) I am serving as mediator? Am I defensive and self-justifying? Do I demand or expect a certain kind of confession? Am I bitter and does that affect my words? Are we meeting before the Savior, in the presence of his wounded hands and side? Are we condent of his grace to us? Key texts for meditation: Psalm 15:1-3 ESV Psalm 15:1 A PSALM OF DAVID.O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? 2 He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in

his heart; 3 who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend; Proverbs 6:16-19 16 There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, 19 a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. Proverbs 16:28
28

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.

Proverbs 26:17-22 17 Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears. 18 Like a madman who throws rebrands, arrows, and death 19 is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!" 20 For lack of wood the re goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. 21 As charcoal to hot embers and wood to re, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. 22 The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.
ESV Romans

14:17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
ESV James

3:16 For where jealousy and selsh ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is rst pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace
ESV James

4:11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.
ESV 1

Timothy 5:13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. 1 Peter 2:21-25 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. 1 John 1:6 - 10 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.