C onfe ssio ns of a Were wolf Supe rmod el b y Rhon da Thom pson [v1.

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T o Linda Casti llo. T hank you for alwa ys being there for me, for belie ving in my talent and for supp ortin g me no matt er what is going on in my life. You'r ea true frien d and one

hell of a talent ed auth or.

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 M ost wom en find the bloati ng, cram ping, and b itchin ess of

PMS both erso me at worst .I turn into a m onste ra week befor e my perio d literal ly. D oing an under wear ad on a New York roofto p when it's blowi ng snow outsi de can get pretty

hairy. And I'm not spea king figura tively. I like my job, but there are days when every thing goes to hell. Toda y is one of them. The skim py lace panti es I wear ride up my crack . My bra is two sizes too

small . I'm bloat ed and have a zit on my foreh ead that woul d make a Cyclo ps jealo us. All these thing s have comb ined to make my day miser able, but now I've toppe d them all off with a fur

outbr eak. " Lou! Are you comi ng out of there ? The other girls have alrea dy gone up. We need to get movi ng!" As I glanc e at the close d door, a growl rises in my throat . The photo graph er of the shoot ,

Stefa n O'Co nner, think s I'm in here primp ing. Sure I've been know n to mess with my hair until I comp letely undo the stylist 's work, but the hair I stare at now cann ot be fixed. At least not witho ut a good

waxin g produ ct. My lip curls with disgu st while study ing the nasty patch of dark were wolf fur attac hed to my left shoul der. The wolf outbr eaks durin g PMS starte d about six mont hs ago. I

had almo st convi nced myse lf that what happ ened to me seve n years ago on prom night was just a bad drea m, like the night mare s that haunt me frequ ently. Now sudd enly I'm prone to outbr eaks that force

me to face the realit y that I am a were wolf. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Spea king of butts, I turn my back to the mirro r to make sure mine is norm al. At least I have n't sprou ted a tail yet. W hen I

turn to face the mirro r again , I hope I imagi ned the fur outbr eak. No such luck. At least the past six mont hs have prepa red me. Slingi ng my beaut y bag on the bathr oom count er, I dig

throu gh it like a dog digs throu gh a trash can. M y beaut y bag is with me at all times now and repre sents my lifelin e to norm alcy. It weig hs about ten poun ds and is filled with every kind of beaut

y produ ct avail able, plus my own triedandtrue conc octio ns, and what I like to call were wolf esse ntials . I'd start my own line, but as far as I know , I'm the only were wolf super mode l in the world

. H ow does one beco me a were wolf? you might ask. Good quest ion. Now, more than ever, it's some thing I need to find out. I have dedu ced the when and wher e. I am totall y cluel ess about the

how or why. But if I want to keep the life I've made for myse lf, it's pretty freaki n' clear that I need these quest ions answ ered. I man age to find the green goop I've been diggi ng for in my beaut y bag.

While smea ring it acros s my shoul der, I consi der the only logic al concl usion I've arrive d at conc ernin g my altere d state. Were wolfis m must be hered itary. The fact that I'm adopt ed make s the possi bility even

more likely. I'd pick up the phon e and press my adopt ive paren ts for infor matio n regar ding my biolo gical paren ts, but some times you really can't go home . Like after you'v e murd ered the star high scho

ol footb all playe r on prom night. " Lou Kinip ski! I swea r if you make me lose the good light and the good snow , I'm not worki ng with you again !" S tefan' s threat does n't faze me. He tries

to be a bada ss when he's worki ng, but I know he has a heart of gold. I also know he has a hot body that he does n't mind shari ng with all the other mode ls. That thoug ht make s me frown . My knigh

t in shini ng armo r can't seem to keep his swor d under contr ol. I'd be a hell of a lot more intere sted in his swor d if he could . But the swor d busin ess aside , I owe Stefa n. H e found me

worki ng in a small cafe on the East Side six and half years ago and launc hed my mode ling caree r. He taugh t me to trust men again . He gave me confi denc e that I sorel y lacke d. He gave me a life

when I thoug ht mine was over. I'm a little in love with him, but it's that swor dshari ng thing that keep s me from takin g our relati onshi p to the next level. That and the fact that I am a murd erer. Oh,

and that's on top of being a were wolf. " Lou, pleas e!" Stefa n stoop s to beggi ng. H is tactic s might work if my name were really Lou Kinip ski. My agen cy urged me to chan ge my name six and

half years ago when I starte d mode ling, but I refus ed. I had alrea dy chan ged it once. Whe n I ran away from Have n on prom night seve n years ago, I chos e an ugly name as a remin der that I was once an

ugly girl. I may be dropdead gorge ous now, but that was not alway s the case. A s I stare at myse lf in the mirro r, it's hard to reme mber that I was once butt ugly and a geek to boot. The night I turne

d into a were wolf, I woke up beaut iful. It's as if there was a trade -off for what happ ened to me. Like I had an ugly disea se and it sudd enly went into remis sion. Now I have a were wolf disea se

and it sudd enly is out of remis sion. I need to know how to send it back into hidin g, and as quickl y as possi ble. S ince I have n't done so well in the past six mont hs findin g answ ers on

my own, I've made an appoi ntme nt to see a privat e inves tigato r this Thurs day. It's proba bly not a smart move . A girl with as many secre ts as I have is only askin g for troubl e when she pays some one

to dig aroun d in her life, but what else can I do? The answ ers must be out there some wher e. " Lou! I'm count ing to three and if you don't open that door I'm shoot ing witho ut you! Got it?" I migh

t as well count with him. " One " H oldin g my breat h, I prepa re for a great deal of pain. " Two " T his is going to sting like hell. " Thre e!" R ippin g the waxin g cloth away , I put a fist

into my mout h to keep from screa ming. I gag on the cuss word s stuck in my throat . " Lou, swee theart , you aren't in there purgi ng, are you?" S tickin g a finger down my throat and pukin g up calori es

woul d be prefe rable to the horrifi c sting going on in my shoul der, but I have no need to purge . What ever happ ened to me seve n years ago, it kicke d my meta bolis m into high gear and kept it there.

I can eat what ever I want and never gain weig ht. That happ y thoug ht is chas ed away by not only the sting going on in my shoul der, but the ache that erupt s in my gums . I take my fist out of my

mout h and take a look. G reat. Fang s. Just what I need . I close my eyes and breat he deepl y in an effort to calm myse lf. It woul d be easie r to relax if my panti es were n't up my crack and Stefa

n were n't poun ding on the door again . Even witho ut those distra ction s, findin g a happ y place is diffic ult. Ther e's more going on with me today than just PMS and were wolf outbr eaks. T

he night mare s that have haunt ed me for seve n years are takin g a toll. I had one last night. Behin d my close d lids, flash es of the drea m retur n to me. Him. Me. Sex. Then blood . Blood on the

walls. Blood on the sheet s. Blood every wher e. I shud der. " Lou? " S tepha n's voice bring s me back to my curre nt dilem ma. Upon openi ng my eyes, I'm reliev ed to see that the red place on my

shoul der now minu s the were wolf fur is alrea dy fadin g. I heal at an alarm ingly fast rate, anoth er gift of what ever curse has befall en me. Why do gifts alway s come with a trade off? Why can't I be beaut

iful and not be a were wolf? And then there' s the big quest ion of how sudd enly comi ng out of remis sion, or what ever I've been in, is now going to scre w up my life. P eelin g back my lips, I see that

the fangs I had a mom ent ago have retrac ted. Than k God. No fur. No "the better to eat you with" teeth. I'm ready to face the day. I flush the waxin g cloth, adjus t my twosizes -toosmall bra, dig my

panti es out of my crack , walk over and open the door. Stefa n nearl y falls insid e. " Abou t time!" he growl s. "I hope you feel good about throw ing my sche dule off and maki ng the other girls turn

into Popsi cles on the roof so you can stand aroun d and primp !" " I do," I say, floun cing past him into a room that looks like a war zone. Wom en's cloth es are strew n every wher e. Blowdryer s, make

up bags, and shoe s. A pair of giant laven der angel wings rests upon the bed. The wings are part of my outfit. I glanc e aroun d for Cindy Emer son. Cindy does make up and also serve s as Stefa n's assist ant

on shoot s involv ing more than one mode l. S tefan know s who I'm looki ng for. "I sent Cindy up with the rest of the crew. I'll help you into your wings . We need to hurry. " W hen he's worki

ng, Stefa n is alway s in a hurry. He's full of nervo us energ y. I imagi ne it's beca use he's a Starb ucks junki e and drink s about ten lattes a day. Rum or has it Stefa n does not have the nervo usenerg

y probl em in bed. I hear he takes his time. Not exact ly the kind of thing I like heari ng about . I keep trying to put Stefa n on a pede stal and he keep s scre wing it up and fallin g off. " Turn aroun d, let

me strap on your wings ," he says. S ince the red place on my shoul der is still heali ng, I gladl y give Stefa n my back. The discol oratio n shoul d be gone by the time we reach the roof and begin the

shoot . His hand s are warm again st my skin. He smell s good enou gh to eat. I don't know what colog ne Stefa n wear s, but it alway s sets off a horny gene in me. Obvi ously , it sets off the same gene in all

wom en. " Pull your hair over one shoul der," Stefa n says. "I don't want to get it caug ht in the Velcr o attac hed to the wings ." A fter I do as instru cted, Stefa n's breat h whisp ers acros s my skin.

He touch es me while he work s. A delici ous shive r races up my back. I try like hell to ignor e it. If Stefa n were just anoth er hand some face with a hot body, I woul d have had him a long time

ago. But our relati onshi p goes deep er than mere sex. Or at least it does with me. I can't sleep with some one I care about . Not with all the lies attac hed to my past. " Hurry up, will you?" I say, beca use

my const itutio n is weak and I'm in a hotel room with a bald hottie . Stefa n is bald beca use he shav es his head. He shav es his head beca use his father is bald and he know s he's going

to end up that way one day, and he want s contr ol over the situat ion. Did I menti on that Stefa n is a bit of a contr ol freak ? " We'r e deali ng with a little wind factor today ," he says.

"I need to make certai n the wings are secur e. Don't want you flying off the roof." W ind, sleet, snow . I might as well work for the posta l servi ce. "You could have set this up insid e," I comp lain.

"Hot lights . Fake snow . Soun ds good to me." H e make s a tskin g soun d. "It woul dn't look as origin al as this will. Turn aroun d and let me have a look at you with the wings ." I

turn aroun d. Stefa n's face is close to mine. We'r e nearl y the same heigh t, but I'm weari ng three -inch heels and Stefa n thank fully is not. He has big, dark pupp y-dog eyes. They' ve been the down

fall of many a mode l. I just can't be one on a list of many . Still, if the man had hair, I'd cave. I know I woul d. " The wings are secur e," Stefa n says. "You look fanta stic. Let's get to work. " W

hen we're worki ng, Stefa n and I lower our guard and get nasty with one anoth er. It's forepl ay witho ut the actua l follow throu gh of sex, and it's as far as I'll go with him. I'm ready to get nasty with him today

. More than ready . I 'm not ready for condi tions on the roof. The first thing I disco ver is that, like most men, Stefa n lies. A little wind was an under state ment. A little snow was

an under state ment. How about howli ng gales and a blizza rd? How about goos e bump s bigge r than the zit on my foreh ead? I can't belie ve I'm thinki ng this, but I wish I had that were wolf hair back on

my shoul der now. I wish I had it every wher e. "Cind y!" Stefa n shout s over the wind. A petite blond e huddl ed insid e a blank et hurrie s over. Her lips are blue and her teeth chatt er. Cindy

Emer son woul d rathe r wear a tool belt than carry a make up kit, but she's too short and skinn y to be a const ructio n work er. Cindy is a lesbi an. How do I know so much about her? Cindy 's my best

friend has been since kinde rgart en. Every mons ter has its "Egor e," and I gues s Cindy is mine. " Feeli ng okay, Lou? " Cindy shout s. O ne word will clue her in. "PMS ." S he cring

es and steps close r. Cindy whips out a brush to powd er my face. "You shoul d have calle d in sick." C indy's right, but the drea m had me spoo ked. I didn't want to stay home alone . While Cindy work s on

my face, Stefa n instru cts the crew to hit the lights . He pries blank ets off the other girls and herds them towar d the lovely fake ice castl e he has set up. An ice castl e about to colla pse in the wind.

O nce Cindy finish es with me, we move towar d the rest of the crew. A sudd en wind gust nearl y has me airbor ne. Cindy grabs hold of me, which is a joke. She's such a weakl ing that if anyth ing, I'd take

her flying with me. Cindy might be a weakl ing, but I have a rathe r emba rrassi ng amou nt of upper body stren gth. I hold on to her and we reach the crew. " This sucks , Stefa n!" Kare n Sims, a leggy

black girl from Quee ns, shout s at Stefa n. A djusti ng his came ra, he yells back, "It's going to be great. Just wait until you see the finish ed produ ct!" T his is what Stefa n alway s says when subje cting

his mode ls to the elem ents. He consi ders hims elf an artist. We all suffer for his art. I take up a positi on in the middl e of the other mode ls. The wind whips my midni ghtblack hair aroun d my face. Once my

hair was simpl y a nond escri pt brune tte color. At one time my eyes were only hazel and now they are a vivid shad e of jade green . I like the look but, good grief, I could have acco mplis hed the same

thing with hair dye and conta cts, and not had to deal with the wolf stuff. S tefan pose s the other mode ls. He stops befor e me and raise s his came ra. He lower s it a minut e later and frown s. Step ping

behin d me, Stefa n pulls my bra up, thus bringi ng my boob s bene ath my chin. His hand s are still warm and he's not weari ng glove s. He retur ns to the front, stare s at my breas ts, glanc es up,

and says, "Mar velou s." " I know ," I assur e him. "Hurr y up befor e they freez e this way." A smil e tugs at the corne rs of his mout h. He leans close and whisp ers, "You are going to give it to me

today . Right , Lou? " W e both know what he want s me to give him. My mind wand ers to a place of tangl ed sheet s and swea ty bodie s. The thoug ht warm s me even thoug h it's freezi ng in

realit yland . I smile at him, just a hint of one, the kind of smile that promi ses thing s I cann ot deliv er. " That' s what I want. " He back s away and lifts his came ra. "That sly smile . Like

the cat that's just lappe d up all the crea m." S tefan need s to suffer for his art like we do. Glan cing at the other mode ls, I say, "Let's go, girls," in my best Shani a Twai n imitat ion. Then we proce

ed to rock Stefa n's world . M y hair is wet by the time Stefa n calls for a wrap. More than my hair is damp . While Stefa n shoot s, he make s little soun ds in the back of his throat . Sex soun ds. My heari

ng is super ior to that of a norm al huma n being . The other girls can't hear the sex soun ds, but I can. They bring out the beast in me. Whic h I wish were just a figure of spee ch. C indy rushe s up and

offers me a blank et. The blank et is damp and cold and I doubt I can get it over my giant wings . I brush her off and make a mad dash for the doors leadi ng down to the servi ce eleva tors. Reac hing the door

witho ut busti ng my ass takes effort, but I mana ge. I'm about to open the door but it sudd enly burst s open, bangi ng with the wind. A man steps out onto the roof. He's shrou ded in black from head

to toe. Black leath er jacke t. Black jeans . Black boots . Dark sungl asse s. Sungl asse s? I glanc e up at the cloud y sky. " I'm looki ng for Lou Kinip ski!" he shout s. "Her agen cy told me I could find

her here! " A bout the time that it regist ers that he's looki ng for me, it also dawn s on me that his jacke t has embl ems on the sleev es. He's a cop. " What' s this about , Offic er?" Stefa n shout

s. " Privat e matte r!" the cop shout s back. He point s to the badg e pinne d on his jacke t. "Offic ial busin ess!" A sick feelin g settle s in my bloat ed gut. The office r stare s at me

and I know it's not just beca use I'm half nake d and beaut iful. It's hard to remai n anon ymou s when my face is plast ered on a ton of billbo ards all over New York City. " Is there some wher e we

can talk, Ms. Kinip ski?" he asks me. I can only think of three thing s a polic e office r might want to discu ss with me. Texa s. Seve n years ago. Prom night

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 M en in black are hot unles s they' ve come to arres t you for murd er. I 'm in the bathr

oom again . I mana ged to get the tatter ed angel wings off and put on a robe. The cop waits on the other side of the door. I'm sure Stefa n, Cindy , and the other mode ls are in the hallw ay spec ulatin g as to

what' s going on. Most of them, all exce pt Cindy , proba bly think I have a bunc h of unpai d traffic ticket s. I wish. I don't drive. Not in this city. I may sprou t fur, fangs , and howl at the moon

on occa sion lately , but I'm not crazy . I'm thank ful I have n't had anoth er outbr eak to deal with on top of a polic e office r wanti ng to spea k with me, but my hair is still wet and it smell s like a wet

dog. I notic e the cop sniffi ng in the eleva tor and hope he think s it had some thing to do with the feath ers on my wings . T aking one of the hotel' s fluffy towel s, I wrap it aroun d my head. I dig in my

beaut y bag and spray myse lf with perfu me, hopin g to mask the smell . My street cloth es are in the other room so I'm stuck in the robe. I'm also stuck about what I'm going to say if the goodlooki ng office r in the

next room asks me about Texa s, seve n years ago, prom night. H as some one finally dug up Tom Daws on's body ? Have they conn ected the crime to me even thoug h I look comp letely differ ent now and

I've chan ged my name ? Cindy told me that every one in Have n think s Tom and I elope d on prom night, which is about as unlik ely as me turnin g into a were wolf and killing him. I supp ose some

one could have dug him up. I don't get much news from Have n these days. C indy's lifelin e to home has been cut off, as well. A girl does n't tell her father she's a lesbi an when he's the pasto r of the

Have n First Bapti st Chur ch. Or so Cindy learn ed when he kicke d her out and told her not to come back. A soft rap soun ds on the door. "Miss Kinip ski? Are you all right in there ?" " I'm fine!"

I yell throu gh the door. "I I'm fixing my make up." S ound s plaus ible to me. I am a mode l and theref ore assu med by most to be totall y into my looks . Whic h remin ds me, I shoul d fix my face.

I grab my beaut y bag and get to work. While I smoo th strea ked make up, cover the third eye on my foreh ead, and wipe away runni ng masc ara, I try to think of some thing to say if the office r does ask

me about a past I thoug ht I had left behin d. I've tried to forget about that night for the last seve n years , but it floats to the top of my suppr esse d mem ories. I can almo st smell the rich dirt of

Mr. Riley' s cornfi eld, almo st hear the rock and roll playi ng on Tom' s truck radio, feel the gentl e cares s of sprin g on the night air " Com e on, Sherr y, I just want a kiss. A kiss isn't going

to hurt anyth ing, right ?" S herry Billin gton had neve r been kisse d. Oh, okay, once in the third grad e by a boy with buckt eeth, glass es, and a nasal condi tion, but that didn't count . Tom Daw son

was the kind of boy who count ed. He was the star playe r of our high scho ol footb all team and had alrea dy been offer ed count less colle ge schol arshi ps. I was no one. Not in the sche me

of thing s in Have n, Texa s, wher e nothi ng much went on anyw ay. I t was hard to belie ve that Tom had actua lly aske d me to danc e at the prom . Hard er yet to belie ve when he

drov e up besid e Cind y Emer son and me walki ng hom e after ward and offer ed me a ride. He hadn' t offer ed Cind y one and that shoul d have been my first clue that he had no intent

ion of takin g me hom e. N ow he want ed to kiss me. "Why " was the only quest ion that came to mind. Tom had rece ntly brok en up with Abby Sincl air, head chee rlead er and voted most likely to

grac e the cente rfold of Playb oy at some point in the futur e. I'd hear d the brea kup had some thing to do with the fact that Tom woul d nail anyth ing that move d if it stood still long enou gh. That thou ght brou ght

me back to realit y. " I'd really just like to go hom e," I'd said. "My pare nts will be worri ed abou t me." That wasn 't true. Clive and Norm a Billin gton went to bed every night at ten-

thirty shar p, right after the news . The last thing eithe r woul d be worri ed abou t was me in a truck with a boy park ed besid e a cornfi eld maki ng out. I'd neve r given them any troub le. They' d

neve r given me much of anyth ing in retur n. They treat ed me okay, but neith er were affect ionat e peopl e. " Just one kiss, then I prom ise to take you hom e," Tom had insist ed, pouti ng

his lips when he looke d at me. H e was cute. I'd foun d myse lf thinki ng, why not? Mayb e it was time I had a "real" kiss. Mayb e Tom was tired of gorg eous, bigbrea sted girls and want

ed some one a little more down to earth . " One kiss," I had agre ed. "The n I really need to get hom e." T om leane d in for the kiss. I shyly met him halfw ay. He had his tong ue

down my throa t in a heart beat. He nearl y gagg ed me. I tried to pull back but he grab bed my shoul ders and haule d me close r to him on the truck seat. His hand shot up my dress . My knee s

imme diatel y knoc ked toget her. His breat h smell ed and taste d funny , like he'd drun k more than the swee t punc h being doled out to us in the gymn asiu m. " Rela x," he'd said again st my

bruis ed mout h. "You' ll like this. I prom ise." B eing unpo pular hadn' t mad e me stupi d. That' s when I knew Tom Daw son had more on his mind than a kiss. " Stop it," I'd said firmly , trying

to get away from him. "I want to go hom e. Now! " T om's finge rs cut deep er into my shoul ders. "You' re not going anyw here! " he'd bark ed. "Not until I colle ct on a little bet I mad e with

Phil Brew er. I told him I'd bring your panti es back with me. I bet him a hund red buck s." A sick feelin g had settle d in my stom ach. I shoul d have know n Tom payin g any atten tion to me had

to be some pran k. A joke. It had been foolis h to belie ve for a seco nd he might have been inter ested in me. Tom had alwa ys been a bit of bully, but if he thou ght I was too intimi date d by him to do

anyth ing but roll over and play dead , he had anot her think comi ng. " I hope you have a hund red buck s, assh ole." I t had been the wron g thing to say. " Miss Kinip ski? I really need

to talk to you. Will you come out now, pleas e?" T he rock and roll playi ng on the radio fades . The biting feel of Tom' s finger s diggi ng into my tende r flesh fades . Have n, Texa s,

fades . I blink and look at my face in the mirro r. For a split seco nd, I see Sherr y Billin gton starin g back. I blink again and she's gone. W here am I? Oh, yeah, New York. Hotel room. Abou t to be arrest ed for

murd er. I take a deep breat h, walk to the bathr oom door, and open it. T he office r leans again st the doorf rame. He's remo ved the sungl asse s and now I know why he wore them. The cop has the bigge

st, blues t eyes I have ever seen. The eyes don't matc h the rest of his hard body imag e. I supp ose that's why he hides them behin d the sungl asse s. " I'd like to ask you a few quest ions," he says.

S tallin g seem s like a good idea. "And you are?" " Dete ctive Terry Shay. NYP D." U sing anoth er stallin g tactic , I ask, "Real ly? See ms like most of the detec tive show s I see on televi sion,

the detec tives don't wear the unifor m. They wear nice suits or some times casu al cloth es" " What detec tives wear is not what I'm here to talk to you about , Ms. Kinip ski," the office r interr upts. "We'r

e not exact ly into fashi on at the preci nct." I aske d about the dress code beca use Cindy and I watc h cop show s all the time. Cindy likes them. She enjoy s watc hing them in my apart ment on my big scree

n, even thoug h she lives next door and could just as easily watc h them on her televi sion. S tallin g is not worki ng. Shay does n't seem distra cted by the fact that I'm consi dered famo us in certai n

circle s or that I'm barel y dress ed and we're in a hotel room toget her. I'm not used to that. Have I actua lly met a man who does n't think with the front of his pants ? If I have, he'll be the first. N

ow that I think about it, mayb e jail woul dn't be so bad if he was my ward en. He could bring his hand cuffs to my cell damn this PMS, bitchinheat stuff. I do not look good in orang e. Jump suits went out of

style in the eighti es. I can't go to jail. They proba bly woul dn't let me keep my beaut y bag on hand to fight the were wolf outbr eaks. The inevit able can't be put off any longe r, howe ver, so I ask, "Wha

t do you want to talk to me about , Dete ctive ?" S hay reach es into his jacke t pock et, pulls out a photo graph , and exten ds it towar d me. "Hav e you seen this wom an befor e?" I t takes a

minut e to realiz e he didn't ask me about Have n, Texa s. Or prom night. Or Tom Daws on. I take the photo . At first glanc e, I think the pictur e is of me, which does n't make sens e. Then I realiz e the girl

just happ ens to bear a striki ng rese mbla nce to me. " No, I don't know her." I hand the photo back to him. "But I see the rese mbla nce betw een us. Why are you askin g me about her?" S

hay stuffs the pictur e into his pock et. "She liked to tell peopl e she was you. Use the rese mbla nce to her adva ntage to get past the lines at clubs and resta urant s." I laug h, thoug h I soun d nervo us.

My knee s are weak with relief that he's not here to arrest me. "I didn't know imper sonat ing a super mode l was a crime ," I say. T he detec tive never crack s a smile . "It's not, Ms. Kinip ski, but Sally Prest

on used your name to get into a club calle d the Pink Palac e last night, and now she's dead. I'm just follow ing up on any possi ble conn ectio n betw een the two of you." T he word "dea d" alway s has a

sober ing effect on peopl e. Appa rently even on were wolve s. "Dea d?" I repea t dumb ly. "Wha t does that have to do with me?" " Mayb e nothi ng," he answ ers. Shay takes a notep ad and pen

from his pock et. "Unle ss whoe ver killed her thoug ht she was you. Do you have any enem ies?" T he word s "who ever killed her" are as unple asant as the word "dea d." " Ene mies ?" If I

keep repea ting every thing he says he'll think I'm an idiot. "No. None that I know of." H e scrib bles some thing in his noteb ook. "How about craze d fans? Stalk ers? Pisse d-off exboyfri ends ? Have you recen

tly recei ved any threat ening letter s or gotte n any stran ge phon e calls? " M ost mode ls have a craze d fan or two, but I'm discr eet about givin g out perso nal infor matio n. The apart ment buildi

ng I live in has good secur ity. My cell is unlist ed. "No," I answ er. "I'm sorry this wom an is dead, but what ever happ ened to her has nothi ng to do with me." S hay glanc es up from his notep ad. His gaze

slides up and down me befor e retur ning to my face. "You' re sure? " A t least now I know Robo Cop is huma n. He just chec ked me out. "Posi tive," I answ er. H e repla ces the noteb ook

and pen insid e his jacke t, reach es into anoth er pock et, and withd raws a dogeared card. "If anyth ing occur s to you, if you sudd enly feel as if you'r e being follow ed or you recei ve any stran ge

phon e calls or threat ening letter s, give me a call." R eluct antly, I take the card he exten ds. "I'll call if I think of anyth ing." I almo st add that I won't think of anyth ing, but then I'm sure Shay alrea

dy has that preco nceiv ed notio n about me. Unfor tunat ely, the world seem s to asso ciate smart with unattr activ e and attrac tive with "NAS A is not going to call her for a job interv iew" when it come s to

wom en. N ow that he has concl uded his busin ess, Shay remo ves his sungl asse s from his jacke t pock et. How many damn pock ets does that jacke t have ? I might not have to carry my

beaut y bag if I had a jacke t with that many pock ets. He slides the glass es back on, nods and head s towar d the door. "Sorr y to interr upt your " " Shoo t," I provi de. "Hey, we both have shoot s in our

line of work. " Oh, my God. Now I've had a Sherr y Billin gton outbr eak. " That' s funny ," he says in a flat tone that lets me know it isn't. S ince I'm not being haule d off to jail, I'd like to

send Shay away with more than a glanc e at my cleav age and the certai nty I have shit for brain s. "Cau se of death ?" I blurt out. H e paus es, his hand alrea dy on the doork nob. Whe n he turns to

face me, he remo ves the sungl asse s again . I gues s there' s some thing in the cop hand book about not weari ng sungl asse s durin g offici al busin ess. " Blood loss," he answ ers. " Blood

loss" seem s like an odd term to use as a caus e of death . But then, mayb e not. "Do you mean she was stabb ed or shot to death ?" H e sighs and slips the glass es back on. "I shoul dn't discu ss detail

s with you. The case is still open. Leak s could give whoe ver is respo nsibl e an adva ntage ." A geek ish snort slips past my defen ses. "Do you think I'll be talkin g to this guy?" " I hope not." S hay is

perfe ctly serio us. I hope not, too. He reach es for the door again but now he has me curio us. "I think you owe it to me to tell me what kind of psyc ho we're deali ng with if you think I really could

be in dang er." " You said you were n't," he turns back to remin d me. " I could be wron g." But of cours e I'm not wron g. I'm just curio us. T he glass es come off again . "Bloo d loss

from a bite woun d. Sally Prest on's jugul ar vein was sever ed by a viciou s bite to the neck while she was havin g sex, we're assu ming with the murd erer." A flash of the drea m explo des insid e my head. Blood

flecki ng the ceilin g pooli ng on the sheet s. I have that wooz y feelin g peopl e get right befor e they faint. I stum ble back a step. Shay move s fast for a tall, built man. He takes my shoul ders betw

een his hand s and steer s me towar d the bed. " Your face is white . You need to sit down ." I do sit on some one's shoe, but I'm too numb to care. It's nice to know that the sight of blood still

sicke ns me, consi derin g all the weird thing s going on with me lately . " Sorry about that," Shay says. "I forget that most peopl e don't have to deal with this day in and day out. I'm a little harde

ned to it all. I shoul d have been more consi derat e." H is baby blues are level ed on me. Dam n, his lashe s are so long, if he were a wom an, Revlo n woul d be all over him. "Som eone being bitten to

death is every day?" S hay shak es his head. His hair is good, too. Long er than he's proba bly supp osed to wear it, and thick. "No. This is not every day. Sorry I had to bothe r you with it. Now, I

shoul d be going ." He stand s and move s towar d the door again . "Call me if you need anyth ing, I mean , if you think of anyth ing that might help the case. " " I will," I say, still daze d. I won't call Shay.

The poor wom an's murd er has nothi ng to do with me. I'm certai n of it. The drea m flash es in my head again as if to mock me. Acros s the room, Shay open s the door and come s facetoface with

four froze n angel s, Cindy and Stefa n. He nods to the mode ls. " Ladie s." T he girls watc h him walk away . Whe n they glanc e back at me, it occur s to me that I might look like I've just had

sex and a show er. A big grin break s out on Kare n Sims' s face. She rushe s into the room. " Don't tell me. He's a rentacop, right? Did a little stript ease for you? Hey, is it your birthd ay?" I wish.

I mean about the stript ease. Birth days are a mode l's enem y. "No, he's the real deal," I assur e Kare n. N ow the girls hover over me, I'd say like moth er hens due to the feath ers, but that

woul d be a stretc h of the imagi natio n. " What did he want, Lou? " Stefa n asks. "Unp aid parki ng ticket s or some thing ? Are you in troubl e?" S tefan is adori ngly prote ctive of me. If I tell

him a detec tive is worri ed that a recen t murd er might be a case of mista ken identi ty, mean ing I was the murd erer's real target , I really will have a stalk er probl em. Him. "Iden tity theft, " I answ er,

which is in a way the truth. " Shee eit," Kare n draw s out. "You been shop ping onlin e, girl?" I shru g, which can be taken as a yes. " Let's get this room clean ed up," Stefa n instru cts every

one. "I need a Starb ucks. " S omet hing stron ger soun ds good to me. It's been a hell of day. Kare n eyeb alls the card still clutc hed betw een my finger s. " Nice ass on that man,

" she says. "Is that his numb er?" I shou ld give her the card and hope she hook s up with Shay. Som eone shoul d get some of that. Inste ad, I open my robe and slide the card into my twosizes -too-

small bra. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 3 I obvi ously do not unde rstan d the old adag e "let sleep ing dogs lie." S hay's card

still rests on my bedsi de table three days later. While I dress for my appoi ntme nt with the privat e inves tigato r, my gaze darts towar d the card. I shoul d have trash ed it. Our busin ess is over. It's only

the "heat cycle " thing that make s me think about him. Mess ing with a cop woul d be like playi ng Russi an roulet te. I'm sure as soon as my horm ones calm down , I'll be able to forget Terry Shay and

his baby blues . Rack et from the kitch en break s into my thoug hts. C indy is bangi ng thing s aroun d in there beca use she's mad about my appoi ntme nt with the inves tigato r. What she does

n't under stand is that in my case, the need for truth outw eighs the cons eque nces of some one else findin g out the truth right along with me. Cindy is awar e of what happ ened seve n years ago. She's also

awar e of the recen t outbr eaks. She think s I'm panic king unne cess arily. In other word s, she's in denia l. W hen I'm bent on doing some thing Cindy consi ders selfdestr uctiv e, she remin ds me

that a fullbl own transf ormat ion only took place once. She's certai n I just have a were wolf bug or some thing and it will go away soon. I can't be as certai n. Thus the need for a privat e inves tigato r. "

Lou, I can't get this jar open! " Cindy yells. D ue to my wicke d past, Cindy has traine d herse lf to call me Lou. It's a matte r of survi val and she takes her positi on as my best friend and confi dante serio

usly. At times , we both forget who we once were and wher e we came from. We like our lives now. What Cindy seem s unwill ing to realiz e is that if I go wolfy again , I won't have the job that helps pay half her

rent in this overp riced buildi ng. I won't have anyth ing but a real fur coat. I go to the kitch en. Cindy hand s me a jar of orang e marm alade . She's made us toast and hot choc olate. I take the jar from

her, give the lid one good twist, and it pops off. F rowni ng, she says, "I hate that you can do that and I can't. If I was as stron g as you are, I could work const ructio n. Mayb e you shoul d work const

ructio n, Lou." " Your drea m, not mine, " I remin d her, movi ng aroun d to perch on a bar stool. "I don't know why you don't like your job, Cindy . You'r e great with make up and you get to be aroun

d beaut iful girls all day. I'd think that woul d be a lesbi an's drea m job." O penin g a draw er, Cindy digs throu gh my silver ware and come s up with a butter knife. She point s it at me. "It's rude

to refer to me in that mann er and you know it." " What ?" I ask. "Calli ng you a lesbi an? That' s the name it's calle d. They gave it a name so gay wom en don't have to say, I'm a girl who likes

girls, you know , versu s a girl who likes boys. That is to say, not that I like every girl " " Okay , wisea ss," Cindy cuts me off. She smea rs a piece of toast with marm alade and tosse s it on my

plate. "As far as havin g any adva ntage with wom en beca use of my job, that's wher e you'r e wron g. All the mode ls talk about is men or shoe s. Who' s sleep ing with who. Who want s to sleep with who

and what pair of heels they want to wear while doing it." I take a bite of toast. "I'm sure there are close t lesbi ans amon g us. You just have to flush them out. In fact, that Russi an mode l, Nata

sha Som ethin g-orother, she looks pretty masc uline to me." C indy come s aroun d and sits besid e me. "Nata sha Svetb roun is not gay," she infor ms me. "She' s athlet ic. In fact, I work ed a Nike shoot with her

yeste rday. I didn't want to tell you, but the reaso n I know she's straig ht is beca use she was talkin g about a certai n photo graph er's athlet ic ability in bed. I'm sure you know which photo graph er she

was talkin g about ." A bite of toast goes down the wron g pipe. Cindy thum ps me on the back. " Thou ght that woul d get to you," she says. O nce I finish hacki ng, I take deep breat hs and

say calml y, "Stef an's sex life is none of my busin ess." If I repea t that to myse lf a hundr ed times a day, mayb e at some point I'll belie ve it. C indy takes a sip of her hot choc olate. "Aren 't you even curio us

about what she said about him?" " No," I assur e her. W hen she shrug s and takes a bite of toast, I want to take a bite of her. She know s me well enou gh to know I'm lying. Finall y, I say, "Oka y, tell me what

she said." " Are you sure you want to know ?" Cindy tortur es me furthe r. "It could just make the situat ion betw een you wors e." I think about it for a minut e. "How could it be any wors e?" "

Susp ectin g a man is good in bed and heari ng he can make a wom an yell like Tarza n are two differ ent thing s." " Ugh." I bury my hand s in my hair. "I knew he was good. " " Hung , too,

or that's what Nata sha said," she adds cheer fully. P eekin g at Cindy throu gh my finger s, I say, "If you were any kind of friend , you woul d have kept this to yours elf." C indy brush es toast crum

bs off her chin. "I just don't under stand why you don't have him and be done with it. I know you'r e half in love with him. Why not take the next step in the relati onshi p? Why let every one else have what shoul

d belon g to you?" " Beca use every one else has alrea dy had it," I answ er dryly. "And there is the little probl em of being a murd erer and, in recen t mont hs, howli ng at the moon and scrat ching for

fleas. " T his is not a norm al conv ersati on, and I have to give Cindy credit for keepi ng her cool. I, in contr ast, am in freakout mode and have been since the outbr eaks starte d six mont hs ago. Cindy shrug

s. " You killed some one who deser ved to be killed and a few furandfang outbr eaks aren't like a fullbl own transf ormat ion. That only happ ened once and I don't belie ve it will happ en again ." " Than k

you, Dr. Phil." I sip my choc olate. I wish I could be as sure as Cindy , but Cindy isn't the one who smell s like a wet dog after a show er. I glanc e at my watc h. " I've got to get going ." " I really

think this is a bad decisi on, Lou," Cindy grum bles. "This guy is going to snoo p aroun d in your life. What if he finds out more than you want him to know ?" O ne last sip of choc olate and I climb off my

stool. "The adopt ion file is seale d; I've learn ed that much on my own. The Billin gtons woul dn't tell me anyth ing when they told me I was adopt ed; I doubt they will tell me anyth ing now. Besid es, it woul

d be foolis h for me to go back to Have n and try again with them. How do I expla in this?" I make a swee p with my hand of my gorge ous self. "I'm never going back to Have n, Cindy . Ever. This is the

best way to find my birth paren ts." M y beaut y bag is on the table. I've given up carryi ng a purse . I go over, retrie ve a scarf, and tie it aroun d my head. " What if you do find your biolo gical paren ts?" Cindy

swive ls aroun d on her bar stool to ask. "Wha t if they are just as norm al as the next perso n? That isn't going to tell you why you sprou t fur and fangs a week befor e your perio d lately and want

to hump every one. It might not solve anyth ing, Lou. It might just caus e troubl e." C indy might be right, but it's the possi bility that she's wron g that keep s me on cours e. I move towar d the door. "I

need to find them. If they have answ ers for me, then I might be able to rever se what' s been happ ening for the past six mont hs." " What if it rever ses every thing ?" Cindy asks. "Look aroun d

you, Lou. Look in the mirro r. Can you ever really go back to being Sherr y Billin gton now? Som etime s it is really better to let sleep ing dogs lie." I 'm tempt ed to cave agree with Cindy and spen d the rest

of the day piggi ng out and watc hing cop show s with her. What if I did mana ge to rever se what ever happ ened to me seve n years ago? It woul dn't rever se the fact I murd ered some one. It might rever

se the good looks it gave me. One thing is for certai n. Men like Stefa n O'Co nner and Terry Shay woul d have never given me a seco nd glanc e as Sherr y Billin gton. I have n't come clean with Cindy

about my motiv ation s for findin g my birth paren ts. Not all of them. D eep down , I want to know why. Why they gave me up. Why I could n't have been raise d by two peopl e who loved me. I was a norm

al baby wasn' t I? Woul d I have staye d norm al if I'd been raise d some wher e other than Have n, Texa s? If I hadn' t met Tom Daws on? Ther e are too many unan swer ed quest ions. Ther e are too

many thing s at stake to simpl y ignor e what' s been happ ening for the past six mont hs. Why is it happ ening now? I have to do all I can to find out, even if it mean s a risk of expo sure. "

Let yours elf out," I tell Cindy . T went y minut es later my cab pulls up in front of a buildi ng that shoul d have a cond emne d sign on the front door. I chec k the addre ss again

. I'm in the right place and I get the first suspi cious inklin g that I might be maki ng a mista ke. As usual , when I'm being stubb orn about some thing, I ignor e it. I pay the cabbi e an extra fifty to wait for

me. T he insid e of the buildi ng is even less impre ssive than the outsi de. The lobby is empt y, the floors scuff ed. Ther e's about two inche s of dust on the vinyl furnit ure and the scarr ed sofa table

s. My allerg ies imme diatel y flare up. Thro ugh water y eyes, I glanc e at the direct ory on the wall besid e the eleva tor. M orga n Kane , PI, Floor 2. A fter I push the butto n, the eleva tor fires

up and head s down . The way it creak s and groan s, I'm gues sing it hasn' t been servi ced in about a hundr ed years . The doors open, emitti ng a must y smell that remin ds me of the Billin gtons ' base

ment. I step insid e and push floor two. The doors close , the thing lurch es, and I'm on my way to wher e? The neare st freak show if I'm not caref ul. T he seco nd floor is dark and eerie. I hear musi

c and glanc e down the long hallw ay. Ther e's a light shini ng throu gh a door nearl y at the end. I head that way. Once I reach the door, I knoc k, but the musi c blare s so loudl y I doubt Morg an Kane

can hear me. I test the knob. It's unloc ked. The door swing s open. I nside , a man stand s befor e strea ked floortoceilin g wind ows. He faces the unins piring view of yet anoth er dilapi dated buildi

ng acros s the street , but the man is inspir ed nonet heles s. His finger s move over an electr ic air guitar , head swing ing wildly to the hard rock of Led Zepp elin. His hair is shoul der lengt h and dirty blond

. He wear s skinti ght black leath er pants and snak eskin cowb oy boots . Bene ath his unbut toned wrinkl ed shirt, flash es of skin peek at me and a ring throu gh his left nippl e catch es the flimsy light

strea ming throu gh the wind ows. I don't know who he is, but he is not what I expe cted Morg an Kane to look like, so I assu me I'm in the wron g place , which is a better dilem ma than this guy's

. He's in the wron g deca de. " Excu se me!" I yell, trying to be heard over the musi c. H e jump s in the air, goes down on one knee, and plays the shit out of his air guitar . I jump in the air when

he sudd enly break s into song. Som ethin g about mam as swea ting and groov ing. More air guitar playi ng. Now some head buttin g with a few hip thrust s throw n in. I'm repul sed and mes meriz ed at the

same time. I woul d shout out again , but I'm still hoars e from shout ing over the wind durin g the under wear shoot . I spot the stere o, walk over, and switc h it off. T he poun ding musi c thank

fully stops , but the rock god partie s on. He conti nues to play and leap about in odd fashi on for a good five minut es. Sudd enly he stops , cocks his head, and turns to face me. His eyes are red

rimm ed and mudd y brow n. " You my ten o'cloc k?" he asks witho ut missi ng a beat. " That woul d depe nd on whet her or not you'r e Morg an Kane ," I answ er witho ut missi ng one,

either . " In the flesh. " He lays the air guitar aside and move s towar d a desk on the other side of the room. "Step into my office ," he calls behin d him. I don't step anyw here. I'm freak ed out by

the fact he laid an imagi nary guitar aside . That' s when I have an epiph any. Ther e are peopl e in the world way weird er than I am. A cross the room, Kane digs aroun d the top of his desk, come s up

with a pack of Marlb oro reds, shov es one betw een his lips, and lights it up. I don't reme mber the last time I saw some one smok e insid e a publi c buildi ng. My eyes imme diatel y water . I

snee ze. " Bless you, cupc ake," Kane calls in a smoo th Sout hern drawl . "Now bring it on over here and let's talk busin ess." C upca ke? As Cindy often point s out, I am freaki shly stron g. I could proba bly

swing Kane aroun d the room by his nippl e ring. I'm disap point ed that he does n't look profe ssion al. I can't belie ve I actua lly got a refer ence on this guy. Last year one of the mode ls I know aske d him

to find her little sister , who' d gone under groun d with some type of porn ring. Kane had found her. He's supp osed to be good at findin g peopl e, but Meag an hadn' t said anyth ing about the nippl e

ring, the air guitar , or the cowb oy boots . " I'm allerg ic to cigar ette smok e," I tell him. H e wave s the smok e floati ng aroun d his head away and snuff s the cigar ette out in an overfl owin g

ashtr ay. "You shoul d have said so." Whe n he flash es me a grin, I see that he has dimpl es hidde n bene ath the three days' growt h of dark whisk ers on his face. "You comi ng?" I glan ce aroun

d. "I'm allerg ic to dust, too." K ane move s aroun d his desk and sits in a chair with stuffi ng dangl ing from sever al rips. "Son y, cupc ake, my clean ing lady come s later today ." He leans back in his

chair and props his boots on the desk. "Now , unles s you'r e allerg ic to snak eskin , come over and sit down so we can talk." A gains t my better judg ment, I move towar d him. "I'm not sure

about snak eskin . But I'm sure I'm allerg ic to being calle d 'cupc ake.' " K ane flash es the dimpl es again , which woul d be a better char m tactic if he shav ed. "She athe the claws , kitten . I'm

here to help you." I fight the urge to glanc e at my hand s and see if I actua lly do have claws and take a seat on a cold metal chair acros s from him. Kane smile s again and I almo st expe ct him

to reach acros s the desk, pat me on the head, and say, "Goo d girl." Whic h woul d make him lose a hand. I nstea d of reach ing for me, he reach es into a desk draw er and pulls out a bottle

of Wild Turke y. "A little hair of the dog," he says, then unscr ews the cap, takes a swig, and offers it to me. It's a chall enge of sorts so I take the bottle and actua lly drink after him. " Tell me what you

need, cup ah, Ms. Smith , is it?" I try not to coug h from the liquor burni ng my throat , not to menti on the dust and the cigar ette smok e. I nod, a little emba rrass ed that I could n't come up

with a better fake name when I made the appoi ntme nt. So I'm beaut iful but not creati ve. Sue me. I didn't want this guy looki ng me up if I didn't show . Not to menti on jackin g up his price s when

he found out who I am. " That' s my name for now," I say when I can finally spea k again . "We'll discu ss that more if I decid e to hire you." K ane leans farthe r back in his chair and I think it woul d be

great if it tippe d over and he fell. "Of cours e you'r e going to hire me, cupc ake." He sighs . "Oop s, I forgot again . What do you need me to do for you, Ms. Kinip ski?" T he liquor seem s to

come right back up. I coug h and chok e while he smile s calml y at me from acros s his desk. Cindy woul d at least pat me on the back, not that I want this guy touch ing me. "How do you know my name

?" I finally whee ze. "Did you trace my phon e or some thing ?" H is smile stretc hes. "Didn 't have to. I know your face, even with the scarf and the sungl asse s." He turns his sque aky chair aroun d and

motio ns to the strea ked floortoceilin g wind ows. Ther e's a giant billbo ard acros s the street with my face on it, lips puck ered up to adver tise "won' t wear off until you'r e dead and burie d" lipstic k.

" I'm gues sing Meag an referr ed me," he conti nues, turnin g to face me again . "If you want the best, you want me. Botto m line." T his guy's pictur e must illustr ate the word "cock y" in the dictio

nary. I'm sure it's in there again under "slim eball. " Som ethin g about him, besid es the obvio us, imme diatel y rubs me the wron g way. But I've come this far. I may as well tell him what I want.

"If I hire you, I'd want you to look for some one for me." K ane shak es his dirtyblond head. "No, you'd want me to find some one for you. And I will. Just tell me who." F or the first time in six mont

hs, I really belie ve there is a chan ce of findin g my birth paren ts. Of findin g possi ble answ ers about my condi tion. Like most peopl e confr onted with actua lly gettin g what they wish for Cindy 's warni ng

keep s soun ding in my head. Morg an Kane might be able to find my biolo gical paren ts, but what else is he going to find out in the proce ss? " How about I think about it for a coupl e more days

and get back to you?" Even if I decid e to proce ed, it does n't mean I have to hire Morg an Kane . Surel y I can find some one who does n't wear snak eskin boots or call me "cupc ake." K

ane takes anoth er swig of Wild Turke y. "Look s are often decei ving, Ms. Kinip ski. If and when you decid e you want the best, I charg e fiftee n grand to find some one. If it's more than one perso n, fiftee

n a head. I expe ct half up front. " A t least he's not chea p. "Goo d to know you crack case s as well as you play air guitar ," I say sarca sticall y. T he cocky grin that seem s perm

anent ly attac hed to his face fades . He leans forwa rd in his sque aky chair. "For the recor d, I don't play air guitar . I play real guitar in a band that has a runni ng gig every week end at Fred die Z's. I consi

der inves tigati ng a parttime job but I take it serio usly. Ever been to the club? " I 've heard of Fred die Z's. Som e of the girls like to go there, but I've never tagge d along . Lots of noise . Big meat

mark et. "No." I rise from my chair. "Not my kind of place ." Turni ng, I head for the door. "I'll be in touch ," I lie. K ane block s my exit a seco nd later. "You sure you have n't been to the club? I feel certai

n I've seen you there, in the crow d." D oes Kane think I've been to the club, or is that a line? How many wom en walki ng the street s of New York rese mble me? Sally Prest on did. She's dead. No conn ectio n, I

tell myse lf for the hundr edth time since Terry Shay shov ed her photo at me. " I've never been there, " I assur e Kane . Shovi ng past him, I walk out into the hallw ay and keep walki ng. " Be

seein g you, cupc ake," Kane calls after me. I 'm one hundr ed perce nt certai n Kane will not be seein g me again . He gets on my last nerve . Ther e's a sleaz e factor to him I'd rathe r

avoid . The factor come s into play when I feel him watc hing me. Or rathe r, more proba bly, he's watc hing my ass as I walk down the hallw ay. He can take a good long look. This is the last he'll see of

me. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 4 C indy alwa ys tells me not to go borro wing troub le. I tell her some peopl e don't have to

borro w t roubl e. Ther e are those like me who get all the t roubl e they can handl e for free. M y face is pale in the neon blink of a light outsi de the wind ow. Ther e is a man

on top of me. We'r e havin g sex, altho ugh I can't feel him insid e of me. I'm an obse rver like in a drea m wher e you hove r over head , watc hing. I must like what he's doing ,

even if I can't feel it. My head tosse s back and forth on the pillo w. My mout h open s and close s, movi ng in a way that looks as if I'm moa ning. I see myse lf, but not the man. Only the back

of his head long dark hair, a glimp se of broa d shoul ders, and a word tatto oed on his left shoul der that I can't read due to the strob e light effect . T he man' s head and shoul ders

bob up and down , he's really pum ping. My head arch es back and my mout h open s wider . I'm clima xing. I'm looki ng at him, but I don't see him only I must see some thing. My eyes sudd enly wide

n. My mout h is movi ng again , but I don't think I'm moa ning now. I'm screa ming. The man' s hand s twist into my hair but they are not hand s. Not hum an hand s. Cove red with fur, claw

s jut from his finge rtips. Then he bites me on the neck wher e the jugul ar is locat ed. B lood spurt s on the ceilin g, on the sheet s, on my Tshirt lying on the floor, the word
EROTI CA

scra wled acros

s the front. I sit up in bed, gaspi ng for breat h. Tears strea m down my face and my heart ham mers insid e of my chest . It's the drea m again , I tell myse lf. It's only a drea m. The numb ers on my

alarm clock read two A.M. My hand shak es as I reach acros s the night stand and switc h on the bedro om lamp. Soft light flood s my room, chasi ng away the mons ters. All but the one in my bed. Me. S omeo

ne knoc ks on my door. I know who it is. Cindy . This may soun d weird weird er than norm al weird but Cindy and I now have baby monit ors set up in our apart ment s. The monit ors were Cindy 's

idea, in case she heard me in here gettin g all wolfy or some thing. I told Cindy six mont hs ago that a whim per or two, a howl on occa sion, even a fullout bark will be tolera ted, but if she ever catch

es me peein g on my furnit ure, she is to find a gun and shoot me. I climb out of bed and pad throu gh the apart ment. A fter unloc king my door, I swing it wide. The hallw ays stay lit at all times .

Cindy 's face is etche d with conc ern. It's good to see her, but then I notic e what she's weari ng. A leath er halter top and leath er short short s with fishn et hose. " Gee, wher e are your kneehigh

boots and your whip ?" I ask. R olling her eyes, Cindy shov es her way insid e and close s the door. "Are you all right, Lou? I heard you moan ing, and then it soun ded like you were choki ng." I 'm

glad the monit ors only work one way. I'd hate to think what I might have heard comi ng from her side. Cindy obvio usly has comp any or I hope she does. "Tell me that is not your regul ar sleep ing attire

?" S he ignor es the quest ion and move s throu gh the apart ment switc hing on lights . "You were havin g the night mare again , were n't you?" I rub my arms. Janu ary night s are cold in

New York, but I know that's not the reaso n I'm chille d. "Yes. " " Sam e scen ario? " " Sam e," I answ er. "Diffe rent locati on." " I'll fix you some herba l tea. The kind that helps you relax. " "

I'm okay, " I call to her back. "You can retur n to what ever it was you were doing ." " No troubl e," she insist s. "Sit down and relax while I fix the tea." W alkin g to my couc h, I plop down . I'm

weari ng, in contr ast to Cindy , flann el paja mas and socks . I tuck my legs bene ath me, lean my head back again st the soft couc h cushi ons, and close my eyes. I open them again quickl y, afraid of

what vision s might haunt me. S ound s of Cindy putter ing aroun d my kitch en sooth e me. I hate to admit this, but I'm glad Cindy 's dad freak ed out when she told him she was gay. I'm glad he kicke

d her out. I'm glad she's here with me, espe cially now. I'm even glad I told her about prom night, and what I did what I beca me. P rom night is scari er to think about than the drea m. Tom Daws on

had brutal ly attac ked me. He'd turne d into a ragefilled mons ter beca use I had dared to reject his adva nces and he'd beate n me within an inch of my life. Then he had plann ed to rape me on top of every

thing else. I reme mber lying there, bruis ed, stunn ed, and bleed ing while he told me what he woul d do to me next, and how much I woul d enjoy it. The rage had begu n to build insid e of me. I'd

felt it cours ing throu gh my veins , givin g me stren gth. T om had positi oned hims elf over me. He was a footb all playe r and all musc le. He'd force d my legs apart, reach ed bene ath my ruine

d prom dress , and rippe d my panti es off. The rage kept buildi ng and I had let it come . Sudd enly, I reach ed out and raked his face. My arm had been cover ed in fur, claws juttin g from my finger

tips. Tom, the footb all playe r, a bully, and a woul d-be rapist , had screa med like a girl. He kept screa ming. I don't want to reme mber anyth ing else. " Here' s your tea." C indy sets the cup and sauc

er in front of me on the sofa table and settle s besid e me. "Feeli ng better ?" " A little," I lie. Reac hing for my tea, I take the stea ming cup betw een my shaki ng hand s. "Cind y, do you think I

shoul d feel more guilt about killing Tom? I keep thinki ng beca use I don't, mayb e is the reaso n I keep havin g these night mare s. Mayb e it's why I've had these recen t outbr eaks. Som ethin g has trigge red it."

S he make s a snorti ng noise . "That assh ole had it comi ng for what he did to you and what he plann ed to do. He could have easily killed you, Lou. You said you were so bruis ed, you didn't even realiz

e you had transf orme d into some one beaut iful until the bruis es heale d. He's not worth feelin g guilty over, and he's not worth losin g sleep over, either . You need to put it behin d you. Only then will the

night mare s go away . I bet the outbr eaks stop, too." C indy moon lights as my thera pist. I thoug ht I had put the ordea l behin d me. The night mare s keep bringi ng it back. Is the man in my drea ms really me?

A remin der that I can't ignor e what happ ened seve n years ago, or what I beca me, what I still might beco me? I reach over and pat Cindy 's hand. " Than ks for being here for me. I'm okay now. You

can go back to your guest ." I glanc e towar d the wall separ ating her apart ment from mine. "You did turn off the monit or, right? " C indy nods, her foreh ead wrinkl ed as if she's in deep conc entrat

ion. "Yea h, I switc hed it off befor e I cam e over, " she says. I have a crea m for those foreh ead wrinkl es. But her brow s are so thick, if they were dark she'd have a unibr ow. "But some thing

has just occur red to me. Do you think these drea ms you have might simpl y be an unco nscio us need to be punis hed for what you'v e done ?" I eye her outfit. "Don' t get any ideas , girlfri end." C

indy laugh s then swats me playf ully. "You know I don't think about you in a sexu al way. Kissi ng you woul d be like kissin g my sister , if I had one." S he's like the sister I never had, too. "I think

I've been punis hed enou gh for what I did in Have n," I say. "Real ly, Cindy , go home . One of us shoul d have norm al relati onshi ps." S hrugg ing, Cindy says, "I imagi ne my friend has either left or has fallen

aslee p." Glan cing down at herse lf, she adds, "And is this really norm al? I'm not sure it woul d have work ed out anyw ay. I'm not into the whol e leath erandwhips thing. " F or some

reaso n, I had once thoug ht havin g a relati onshi p with anoth er wom an woul d be easie r than havin g one with a man. Cindy has prove n me wron g. Time and time again . I sigh. "Wan t to sleep on my

couc h?" S he smile s gratef ully. "If you'r e sure you don't mind. " I 'm thank ful for the comp any tonig ht. I rise to get Cindy sheet s and a blank et. "Wha t'd you tell your guest about the monit

or?" " I told her that you'r e epile ptic and I have to keep tabs on you," Cindy answ ers. " Good one." A fter I bring in the linen s, Cindy helps me make up the couc h. "You didn't throw out those tea

bags, did you?" I ask. "I have a shoot in five hours and I need them to reduc e the puffin ess I'm sure to have aroun d my eyes. " " I never throw anyth ing of yours out," she assur es me. "You and your

stran ge conc octio ns. That orang e peel and yogur t dish you whip ped up for me last week was really tasty, thoug h." S he's jerkin g me aroun d. Cindy know s it was a facial , and not to eat. "Very funny ," I

rema rk. " Who are you worki ng with tomor row? Your boyfri end? " S tefan is on my shit list at the mom ent. I know he scre ws aroun d with mode ls. Heari ng about it alway s puts me in a bad

mood . Like he's cheat ed on me, which I know is ridicu lous. "Yea h. I hope I don't bite his head off." And I do mean that literal ly as well as figura tively. "But I'm glad for the work; it will take my mind off

thing s." F luffin g her pillow , Cindy says, "Lou, if it pisse s you off so much about Stefa n, do some thing about it. You know you want to. You know he want s to, too. Every one know s that. It's not a big secre

t." I grab my teacu p off the sofa table and finish it off, carryi ng the cup to the kitch en. "We'v e cover ed this groun d befor e," I call to her. "It was bad enou gh when I was just a murd erer, but

now I'm havin g these outbr eaks. That' s not the kind of thing a girl want s to tell a man she hope s to have a serio us relati onshi p with. Besid es, I'm not too sure most of my appe al for Stefa n isn't

the fact he hasn' t slept with me." " You'v e never given yours elf enou gh credit , Lou," Cindy calls. "You' re one of the most beaut iful wom en in the world , and you still have crap for confi denc e."

I n the kitch en, I grab the tea bags to put on my eyes when I go back to bed. Cindy 's right. Old habit s die hard. Whe n I was a kid, awkw ard looki ng, too skinn y, and all teeth and legs, I'd pore

over fashi on maga zines and drea m I woul d some day be beaut iful like the wom en in the ads. The drea m was hard to keep when the kids at scho ol remin ded me on a daily basis that I was

not beaut iful, that I woul d never be beaut iful. I gues s the probl em is, I still know what' s on the insid e. And what' s on the insid e is totall y scre wed up at the mom ent. C indy has climb ed bene

ath the cover s when I retur n to the living room. "You know I've tried to have a few relati onshi ps with men in the past. They never seem to work out." " That' s beca use you choo se men who don't

care about you, Lou," Cindy says. "The y only care about being seen with you. You'r e the one who never retur ns their phon e calls. Ther e's not an emoti onal conn ectio n there for you. That make s all the

differ ence in the world . You just need to figure that out and give a guy you actua lly care about a chan ce. A guy like Stefa n who so clearl y adore s you." I 've told Cindy a hundr ed times that I

can't do that. I have trust issue s. Now I have were wolf issue s. I have all kinds of issue s. "May be I can when I figure out exact ly what happ ened to me, and why it's happ ening again ." " I

hope so," she respo nds sleep ily. "And I hope you'r e not just diggi ng yours elf in deep er by involv ing a privat e inves tigato r and searc hing for answ ers that might not be out there. " W alkin g over,

I stand abov e her. She looks so small and helpl ess bene ath the cover s. "Why aren't you afraid of me?" I ask her. "I'm afraid for you. I'm not even sure you shoul d be here with me anym ore." H er

eyes had drifte d close d. Now she open s them. "You' d never hurt me, Lou. I know that and you shoul d know it, too. What you did befor e, that was selfdefen se. It's not in your natur e to go

aroun d killing peopl e for the hell of it. Now, lighte n up and go to bed. You need to look stunn ing for your boyfri end in the morni ng." C indy has been givin g me advic e since kinde rgart en. I love her. Deep

down , I know I could never hurt her, but I gues s the trust issue s I have aren't just with other peopl e. They inclu de myse lf. I want to belie ve Cindy . I want to belie ve it desp eratel y. As far as looki ng

stunn ing for my boyfri end I have a bone to pick with Stefa n. He might not find me quite so chum my tomor row. I 've nearl y forgot ten about the drea m by the time I finish the shoot

the next day. It was a good day beca use I got to work with Kare n again and I really like her. It was a bad day beca use I had to work with Stefa n's new lover. I actua lly growl ed at Nata sha when I

stepp ed into the studi o and saw her. I also growl ed when I saw the shoot setup . Stefa n had the studi o decor ated like a haylo ft. We had to wear desig ner jeans and cowb oy boots . I didn' t

want to think about Morg an Kane today . Or Terry Shay, or Sally Prest on. I sure as hell didn't want to think about Stefa n havin g sex with Nata sha Som ethin g-orother. Whe never Stefa n aske d me to give

it to him today , I gave him the cold shoul der inste ad. B eside s cheat ing on me, he's had on a stocki ng cap all morni ng. I know his bald head gets cold some times and he wear s a cap, but I

might be able to envisi on him with hair if the cap were n't bright orang e. Even Bozo does n't look good in orang e hair. Every one is ready to call it a day and I head towar d the dress ing room with the

other mode ls. " Do you need a ride home , Lou? " Stefa n calls. W hen Cindy and I don't share a cab, Stefa n alway s offers me a ride home . He'd offer both of us one when Cindy does work with

me, but he has a twoseate r. I usual ly acce pt but today I'm thinki ng it's not a good idea to be aroun d him. I might break the bond s of our supp osed friend ship and ask him pointblank about Nata sha. "

No, thank s," I call back. "I'll get a cab." H e frown s. He's not stupi d. Stefa n know s some thing is up with me today . "Fine ," he says. "I'm going for coffe e. I'll be back in a few if you chan ge

your mind. " I shru g. "Wha tever. " T he girls eye me oddly when I reach the dress ing room. Stefa n isn't the only who has notic ed my chilly attitu de towar d him today . " You shoul

d have taken the ride," Nata sha com ment s in her thick Russi an acce nt. "He's a good driver , if you know what I mean ." A bout now is when all the girls woul d norm ally giggl e over

her obvio us insin uatio n. No one does. Nata sha hasn' t been in the busin ess long, at least not in New York. I heard she did some mode ling in Califo rnia befor e movi ng to New York. She isn't chum my

enou gh with every one to be talkin g about her sex life. K aren pulls off her point ed cowb oy boots and gives Nata sha a dirty look. "He might drive aroun d with you, girl, but we all know he's crazy in

love with Lou." K aren' s state ment send s a little shoc k throu gh me. I figure d every one thoug ht we had slept toget her; it never occur red to me anyo ne thoug ht Stefa n was in love with me. The

state ment obvio usly shoc ks Nata sha, as well. She plant s her hand s on her hips and glare s at me. " He said the two of you are only friend s." K aren walks over in thong under wear and a silk

halter . She pats Nata sha on the shoul der. "Here 's a lesso n about Amer ican men. They' ll say anyth ing to get a wom an into bed." " Ame n," Lesli e Field s echo es. N atash a puffs up like a toad.

"Stef an is from Irelan d," she anno unce s, as if that is some how relev ant. K aren laugh s. "Men are men no matte r wher e they come from. They' re all pigs. You'd do better to get you a swee t girl like Cindy

Emer son. I could see you two toget her." W hen Kare n glanc es at me and winks , I almo st burst out laugh ing. " I do not like girls," Nata sha sputt ers. "Peo ple think beca use I have an athlet ic

build, I am a lesbi an. Not true." G rabbi ng Nata sha's wrist, Kare n lifts it in the air. "The n why do you wear this big ol' sport s watc h? That' s the first clue, you know . The big ol' sport s

watc h." I nearl y burst out laugh ing again . Nata sha wren ches her wrist from Kare n. "I run," she expla ins. "I need stop watc h!" " Uhhuh," Kare n mum bles. N ow Nata sha's face is blotc

hed with red spots . I feel a little sorry for her. I know what it's like not to be part of the "in" crow d. " Lay off, Kare n," I say quietl y. N atash a stom ps to the back of the room. " You'r e wicke

d," I tell Kare n. H er catty smile confir ms it. "Trut h is, if you'r e not going to take him, I want him for myse lf. If I have to convi nce old broad shoul ders that she's gay to get her to back off, then so be it."

I imag ine if Kare n want ed Stefa n, she could have him. She's exoti cally beaut iful. Her skin is the color of hot choc olate. She's six feet two inche s of legs. Men go crazy over her. " I don't know why

you'd want a skinn y white boy like him, anyw ay," I tease her back, undre ssing along with every one else. " Hey, Lou, you shoul d have come out with us last night, " Lesli e calls. "Fred die Z's was

really rocki ng." M entio n of the club make s me think of Morg an Kane . "Was the band any good ?" " Oh, yeah, " she answ ers. "Lots of loud rock and roll." W hich is the reaso n I never go there.

Loud musi c hurts my ears. After recen t event s, I'm afraid I'd start that howli ng some dogs do when they listen to musi c. Besid es, I don't reme mber being aske d, but I don't point that out. " Lou, if

you'r e callin g a cab, better do it," Kare n says. "We'r e all leavi ng in a minut e and it'll take one a little while to get here. I want to make sure you have a ride." I 've finish ed dress ing and grab up

my beaut y bag. I fish out my cell. It rings. I jump. My phon e does n't ring that often. Only a few peopl e have my numb er. S tefan is one of them. I figure he's caug ht in a line at Starb

ucks and is doubl echec king on whet her I need a ride. I flip my phon e open. " No, I don't need a ride," I say. S ilenc e. Finall y a voice with a smoo th Sout hern drawl asks, "Sher ry? Sherr

y Billin gton? " M y throat has a big lump in it. I can't respo nd. " Hey, talk to me, Sherr y," Kane says. "At least I didn't call you 'cupc ake.'" I hang up. How did Morg an Kane find out my

real name ? How did he trace my cell numb er and what the hell else does he alrea dy know about me? " Hey, girl, you okay ?" Kare n paus es befor e me. "You look like you just saw a

ghost ." I n a way, I have. I knew if I decid ed to hire Kane to find my biolo gical paren ts, I woul d have to give him my adopt ed name , but so far, that infor matio n was still a secre t.

" I'm fine," I say to Kare n. T he other mode ls start leavi ng. Kare n asks, "Sure you don't need a ride? If you don't want to go with Stefa n, you can go with me and Lesli e." W hat I need

is a few minut es to collec t myse lf. No one has calle d me Sherr y for seve n years . "Tha nks, but no. Reall y, I'm fine. I have a cab on the way." " How about we meet for lunch on Thurs day?" Kare n

asks. "May be do a little shoe shop ping? " " Soun ds good. " I love to shop for shoe s and Cindy never want s to go anyw here but Red Wing. " Okay , see you later. " I 'm sudd enly left alone

in the dress ing room. I turn to face the ceilin g-tofloor mirro rs, a musthave for wom en who mode l every thing from make up to shoe s. Again , I catch a flash of Sherr y Billin gton in the mirro r. My face

shap e is the same , but that's about it as far as the rese mbla nce goes. My eyes are more slant ed. My lips are fuller, my nose short er. I'm taller now, stron ger. And yet at times , I still feel vulne rable. T he

door swing s open. I jump. " Sorry ," Stefa n says, latte in hand. "Just came in to make an inven tory and see that every thing that need s to be sent back gets sent back. " I have n't calle d a

cab. "Doe s that ride offer still stand ?" I ask. H e smile s. I try not to melt. "Sure . Just let me wrap up here. " I help Stefa n beca use I'd like to hurry him along . I need to go home and think

about what I'm going to do regar ding Morg an Kane . I gues s if he's gone this far, I need to hire him. If I don't, he might snoo p aroun d more in my life just for spite. At least I have the name of the

adopt ion agen cy. Kane shoul d be able to get past the seale d recor dsI hope. What he's done is basic ally black mail me into hiring him. Very cleve r. A few minut es later Stefa n and I spee d along

in his little Porsc he. We have n't said much to each other. It's awkw ard beca use we're usual ly chatt y. " It was one night, one time, I have n't calle d her since ," he finally says. M y first reacti on is

a little jolt of joy. My seco nd is more ration al. "Gue ss you get a prize for actin g like every other assh ole out there, then, " I respo nd. " I'm not bragg ing," he says. "But I don't want what happ ened betw

een her and me affect ing our relati onshi p our friend ship," he clarifi es. I do my geek snort. "You don't want it affect ing our worki ng relati onshi p," I corre ct him. I'm not in the mood for this

now. Not after havin g Morg an Kane black mail me. "I'm over it," I say. "Let's just both forget about it. I thoug ht you had highe r stand ards, is all." S tefan pulls up befor e the curb of my buildi ng. He

puts the car in park and turns towar d me. "I do have highe r stand ards, but we can't alway s have what we want, can we, Lou? " T his is not my day. I'm not up to a serio us discu ssion about our

relati onshi p and the fact we are both more attrac ted to one anoth er than friend s shoul d be. Since I can't be hone st with Stefa n about every thing going on in my life, I'll be hone st with him about what

I can. "No, we can't alway s have what we want, " I answ er. "Som etime s the timin g isn't right. Som etime s other issue s get in the way." H e stare s at me and I'd like to pull that ridicu lous orang

e cap off his head. "Tell me the truth. Is it beca use of Cindy ? Are you two more than friend s?" I didn' t see that one comi ng. Stefa n think s I'm gay simpl y beca use my best friend is. It's funny for

about a split seco nd. Does Stefa n make that assu mptio n just beca use I'm not all over him? The fault cann ot lie with him; theref ore it must lie with me, right? He's so typic ally male, some times I wond

er why I like him at all. His quest ion does n't justify an answ er. I open the door and climb out. " Bozo, " I say befor e slam ming the door. M archi ng towar d my buildi ng, I wond er why Gus hasn'

t rushe d to get the door for me. He usual ly does so to keep me from havin g to punc h in my secur ity code. I punc h in the code and walk into the buildi ng lobby . Gus stand s a few feet away

, talkin g to a man in black . The door man glanc es up, sees me, and calls, "Sorr y, Ms. Lou. He flash ed a badg e and I had to let him in." T erry Shay looks as good as I reme mber. Even thoug h at the

mom ent I'm in comp lete agree ment with Kare n that all men are pigs, I have to admit if I had a tail it woul d be wagg ing about now. Shay walks towar d me. By his serio us expre ssion , I'm thinki ng this is no

social call. H e pulls a photo graph from his pock et. The girl in the photo rese mble s me. She smile s for the came ra while perch ed on a benc h. Her jeans are too tight. So is her Tshirt. The word

EROTIC

is scra wled acros s the front.

A

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 5 H onest y may be the best polic y, but I say when c onfro nted with

a truth that may lead some one to d iscov er that I'm stran ger than your aver age Joe, lie l ike a son, or daug hter, or what ever, of a bitch. I reco gnize the shirt in the pictur e.

Now I under stand why I seem detac hed from my night mare s. Whe n I drea m, I'm not drea ming about myse lf, I'm drea ming about other wom en and how they are murd ered. My hand shak es when I hand

the photo back to Terry . " You found her in a sleaz y motel ." It's not infor matio n I inten d to spea k out loud, but I'm daze d and the word s slip past my defen ses. I glanc e up at Shay. His brow furro

ws. " How' d you know that? " he asks. The neon sign flash es in my head. I can't tell Terry that I drea m about the murd ers. He'll think I'm crazy . I shrug . "A wild gues s." S hay's baby blues narro w on

me. "Prett y damn good gues s," he says. "Why do I get the feelin g you know more about these murd ers than you'r e tellin g me, Ms Kinip ski?" S ome type of expla natio n is in order . A lie. Som ethin g a

little odd, but not as odd as the truth. This is wher e watc hing too much Court TV pays off. "I'm psyc hic," I blurt. S hay blinks at me. "Wha t?" I 've stepp ed in it now, I have to follow

throu gh. "I got that she was murd ered in a hotel from touch ing the photo . I some times have vision s from touch ing an objec t relate d to an indivi dual, or seein g a photo ." T erry open s his mout

h to respo nd, but Gus interr upts. " Miss Lou, Dete ctive, do you mind takin g your busin ess elsew here? " Whe n I glanc e at Gus he blush es. "The resid ents get nervo us when they walk into my

buildi ng and see a polic e office r talkin g to anoth er resid ent," he expla ins. M y buildi ng is very upsc ale. Gus takes his positi on serio usly. No funny busin ess goes on in the lobby . He leave s me

little choic e but to invite Terry up to my apart ment. I never have men in my place . It's my sanct uary. " I gues s we can go up to my apart ment, " I say. " Eithe r that or the statio n," Shay offers . N o,

thank you. "This way." I move towar d the eleva tor. The buildi ng is a highrise. I live on the tenth floor and never realiz ed how slow the ride up is until I'm stuck in the eleva tor with a goodlooki ng man

a detec tive, to top it off. Shay has a partic ular scent . Axle greas e mixe d with Brut afters have. It's a comp lete turnon. The situat ion, howe ver, is a comp lete turnof f. " So, how long have you been psyc

hic?" I don't have to be clairv oyant to detec t sarca sm in his voice . Shay is obvio usly a nonb eliev er. " For a few years ." I imme diatel y wish I could modif y my answ er. I think those peopl e are born

with "the gift." The eleva tor doors open and I step off. "I mean , I really only came to under stand what was happ ening to me in the last few years ," I add, fumbl ing for my keys. S hay make s a grunti ng nonb

eliev er soun d. After I unloc k my dead bolt, I open the door and stick my head insid e, looki ng for signs that a were wolf lives in my apart ment. I don't see any clum ps of fur on the furnit ure or rawhi de

bone s scatt ered aroun d on the floor or bone s of any kind. " All clear, " I anno unce and open the door. Shay follow s me insid e. His masc uline prese nce imme diatel y invad es my spac e. I'm not sure I

like it. " All clear of what exact ly?" he asks. I t's a good thing I have a fast brain to go with my lame mout h. "The girl next door some times hang s out here watc hing my televi sion. I have a bigge

r scree n." " Ah," he com ment s. "I thoug ht you mean t ghost s or some thing. " I give him a "very funny " look and set my beaut y bag on the entry table. "Wou ld you like me to make coffe e?

Tea? " " Coffe e woul d be nice." E ven as Shay says this, his eyes move aroun d the room, scopi ng every thing out. They land on my home theat er syste m and light up. "Nice ," he com ment s.

"Love to watc h a game on that thing. " I 'm not psyc hic, but I do have a vivid imagi natio n. I pictur e Terry reclin ing on my couc h, watc hing a game and gettin g pean uts or popc orn

or what ever guys eat while watc hing sport s all over my impor ted rug. It's not a pretty pictur e. My imagi natio n plant s me next to him, mayb e playi ng with his big gun while we watc h TV, and I warm

to the idea. " This way," I instru ct, assu ming Shay will follow me to the kitch en. My kitch en is spaci ous and airy. The appli ance s are all stainl ess steel, the count ertop s black marbl e. Shay slides onto

one of my daint y bar stool s. He looks about as at home as a rabbit woul d in a fox's den. " Okay , tell me what else you 'sens e' about Lisa Keller 's murd er." H e's not one for small talk. Now that I know what'

s really going on in my night mare s, I see no reaso n not to share the infor matio n. "The man who murd ered her has a tattoo on the back of his left shoul der." I close my eyes as if seeki ng a vision . A

mom ent later I open them and sigh. "I can't make it out in my head. It says some thing. " S hay lifts a skept ical brow. "I thoug ht you had to be touch ing the photo to get your 'visio ns.' " O ops. "I only

have to touch it once the karm a stays with me after that." What a load. T erry glanc es aroun d and I figure he's looki ng for a shov el to get throu gh the bulls hit. His gaze travel s back to

me. "Whe re were you last night ?" " Hom e," I auto matic ally answ er. " Alone ?" W hile I scoo p coffe e into a filter, it dawn s on me that Terry is not just chatti ng me up. He's suspi cious

of me. And I gues s he has every right to be. "Som e of the time," I answ er. After filling the pot with water and starti ng the coffe e, I turn towar d him. "A friend dropp ed in later and spent the night. "

" Oh." Shay frown s. He takes out his notep ad and pen. "Wha t time did he drop by?" W hy did Shay auto matic ally assu me it was a he? And why do I get the feelin g he's not happ y to hear I have

latenight male visito rs? Or is he just disap point ed that I have some one to vouc h for me for part of the night ? " Arou nd two," I answ er. "And it wasn' t a he, it was a she." M y answ

er recei ves anoth er brow lift. "Any chan ce I can verify that with your friend ?" N ot until I get my story straig ht with Cindy . "I can give you her cell numb er," I offer. Cindy 's proba bly next door

nappi ng after spen ding the night on my couc h. I'll have a chan ce to clue her in befor e Shay talks to her. " Nam e and numb er?" " Cindy Emer son," I answ er then rattle off her cell numb er.

" And you say she arrive d aroun d two in the morni ng?" T his soun ds stran ge. A wom an comi ng over at two in the morni ng and spen ding the night. Abou t now is when I shoul d expla in

that Cindy lives next door. Of cours e if I do, Shay will proba bly want to see if she's home so he can quest ion her. I have to tell Cindy that I've sudd enly beco me psyc hic on top of being a were wolf befor e he

spea ks to her. It woul d be just my luck for her to pop in about now. " Lou! You here? " O h, my God. I am psyc hic! Leavi ng the coffe e perki ng, I make a beeli ne for the living room. I groan upon

seein g Cindy . She hasn' t bothe red to chan ge from her outfit last night. S he draw s up short upon seein g me. "Wha t's with the face? " she asks. "You look guilty . You got a man in here or some thing ?"

A t about that time Cindy 's gaze stray s past me and wide ns. I'm sure Shay now stand s behin d me. "Cind y Emer son, Dete ctive Terry Shay. Dete ctive, Cindy Emer son." T his is a bad situat ion. Cindy

showi ng up in leath er and a cop in my apart ment who is suspi cious of me for some how being involv ed in murd ers I shoul d know nothi ng about , but that I unfort unate ly do. S hay steps aroun d me, "Ms. Emer son,

can you tell me wher e you were last night ?" H e's cleve r, indic ating that he does n't alrea dy know wher e she supp osedl y was last night, at least from two in the morni ng on. Cindy blinks at him.

" And why is that your busin ess?" I inwa rdly groan again . Cindy 's watc hed enou gh polic e show s to know you don't get cocky with the law. " I'm inves tigati ng a crime ," Shay answ ers.

"I'd like to know your wher eabo uts last night, say aroun d two in the morni ng. And for the recor d, it has nothi ng to do with you, Ms. Emer son, but it does involv e Ms. Kinip ski." " Oh." Cindy visibl y relax

es. What a friend . She's reliev ed I'm the one in troubl e, not her. "I was here at two this morni ng, spent the night in fact." " Cindy lives next door, " I feel move d to add. "We'r e, ah, friend s."

S hay takes a mom ent to appre ciate Cindy 's outfit. He conti nues, "Did it appe ar that Ms. Kinip ski had been home all eveni ng?" C indy consi ders his quest ion. "It appe ared that way to me.

She was weari ng her favori te flann el paja mas, wasn' t weari ng make up, and she had been sleep ing. I came over beca use " I franti cally shak e my head while Shay' s focus ed on Cindy . I don't

want her talkin g about the night mare s. " Beca use she had a fallin g-out with her friend ," I answ er for her. "Cind y was upset . She want ed some one to talk to." D amn. Cindy is an open book. Now she

has this "I did?" look on her face. Fortu natel y, she's a quick study . "Yea h, that's right, " she agree s. "Hey, let me ask you some thing. This 'frien d' I had over last night took some of my stuff. I want

to know if she's psyc hotic. " N ow woul d be a good time for Shay to tell Cindy he has no furthe r use for her and she can go. "Dep ends on what she took," he says inste ad. P lease do

not answ er some thing weird . " My kneehigh boots , my little black whip, and all my under wear, " Cindy provi des, as if there isn't anyth ing odd about havin g kneehigh boots and a black whip. " Defini

tely psyc hotic, " Shay says, and I'm impre ssed that he can keep a straig ht face. "I'd steer clear of her." " Stupi d dyke, " Cindy mutte rs. She glanc es betw een the two of us. "Why is Lou

in troubl e? I can vouc h for her. She's a good citize n, a super mode l, you know ?" " I'm awar e of Ms. Kinip ski's profe ssion ," Shay assur es her. He takes in Cindy 's outfit again . "And what profe

ssion are you in, Ms. Emer son?" I f Cindy hadn' t alrea dy made it perfe ctly clear that she's gay, I'm sure Shay woul d think she must be a prosti tute. " Make up speci alist," she answ ers. "I

was there that day you came to see Lou on the roof, reme mber ? Som eday I hope to beco me a const ructio n work er." T oo much infor matio n. "Are you finish ed quest ionin g Cindy ?" I

ask Shay. "I'm sure she has other thing s to do." I give Cindy a look that tells her she'd better find some thing else to do if she does n't. S hay snap s his noteb ook close d and place s it back in his insid e pock

et. "That' s all for now. I have your cell phon e numb er if I need anyth ing else from you." " Right ," Cindy says. She turns and head s for the door. Upon reach ing it she says, "You shoul d come watc h

COP S with us some time. You can tell us what' s real and what' s just a load of crap. " S hay does n't respo nd. "Coff ee shoul d be done, " I say to distra ct him. I head back into the kitch

en. Shay slides back onto his bar stool a mom ent later. I pour coffe e in two floraldecor ated cups and place one in front of him. "Sug ar or crea m?" " No. Just black ." H is coffe e prefe rence

does n't surpri se me. Mayb e I am psyc hic. Mayb e it's beca use I was a waitr ess befor e I beca me a super mode l. I can alway s tell the justblack type guys. No nons ense. No frills. Just give them the

caffei ne and don't try to dress it up. Manl y men. I wond er what it mean s that Stefa n likes lattes and girls with broad shoul ders? " Your frien d is intere sting. " S ippin g my coffe e, I consi der

the use of his emph asis on the word "frien d." Does Terry now think I'm gay? Mayb e it's best to let Shay draw his stere otype d concl usion s. I detec t a hint of intere st towar d me from the detec tive. Not

just the busin ess betw een us, but the fact that he's seen me mostl y nake d and has possi bly thoug ht about that a time or two. As hot as he is, I don't want him sniffi ng aroun d me any more than

nece ssary . " She's a little out there, " I agree . "I've know n her since kinde rgart en." That' s all I'm givin g him conc ernin g Cindy . "Sho uldn't we get back to busin ess so you can leave ?" S

hay nods, easily switc hing back to busin ess. "The murd er took place shortl y befor e two A.M. It happ ened acros s town. You could n't have been there and gotte n back home , remo ved your make up, and

chan ged your cloth es befor e Cindy Emer son came over. That is, if she's tellin g the truth. " I supp ose it's his job to be suspi cious . I let the rema rk about Cindy 's credi bility slide. "And it was a sex crime

, right? I also could n't have had sex with her befor e I rippe d her throat out." C offee cup raise d halfw ay to his mout h, Shay sudd enly sets it back down . "I never told you that." O ops again . "I'm

assu ming it was the same as Sally Prest on's murd er. Am I right? " E yeing me with the baby blues , he nods. "Yea h, it was the same guy. No seme n samp les to confir m it, but every thing else was the

same . I just find it odd that you auto matic ally assu med that." S hay has worn out his welco me. "Is it your norm al first reacti on to mistr ust every one you meet, or is it just mode ls or wom en in gener al

you have a probl em with? " " Yes," he answ ers. He rises. "Look , I don't belie ve in psyc hics. If you want to convi nce me you have speci al abiliti es, tell me some thing we don't alrea dy know

about this guy." I 'm not fallin g for any tricks . "I need to touch the photo again beca use the karm a has faded ." H e stops hims elf befor e he can do a comp lete eye roll and remo ves the photo

. I don't want to look at it, at her, not knowi ng what I now know . I close my eyes and hold the photo in my hand s. T here is some thing I know that no one else know s. Som ethin g I shoul

d not menti on. Som ethin g that will send Terry Shay runni ng, never to darke n my door again . I open my eyes and look at him. "The man who killed both wom en is a were wolf." I get nothi ng from him.

No wide ning of the baby blues . No frown . No laugh . Nothi ng. Shay takes the photo and stuffs it back into his pock et. All delici ous six feet two of him turns and walks away . I hear the door close a

mom ent later. He think s I am totall y whac ked. Well, that's one way to end a forbid den relati onshi p befor e it gets starte d. C all me a glutto n for punis hmen t beca use the next day I

make the short ride down town to the dilapi dated buildi ng housi ng one Morg an Kane . I don't hear musi c blarin g from behin d his close d door. All is quiet. I test the knob. I know most peopl e woul d

simpl y knoc k, but if the door' s open and Kane isn't aroun d, I might do some snoo ping of my own. T he office is not empt y. Kane sits in the chair behin d his mess y desk, head leane d back, eyes close d,

cowb oy boots propp ed up on his deskt op sleep ing. I'd say he looks innoc ent in sleep , but he does n't. I stalk acros s the room, surpri sed I can be quiet in high heels surpri sed I'm stalki ng, perio d.

I 'm pretty good at it. I come up behin d Kane and stare down at him. At least he does n't snore . I get close real close . His breat h smell s like pepp ermin t. I had expe cted tobac co and liquor . He

still need s a shav e. He does shav e his neck, I note. He's groo med to look like he need s to be groo med. H aving Kane' s neck so close puts thoug hts in my head. If I can will the fangs to come

, mayb e I can just kill him inste ad of being force d to hire him. As tempt ing as the idea is, I know that, deep down , like Cindy belie ves, I am not a killer. Or at least I since rely hope not. " Eithe r kiss

me or slit my throat , cupc ake." His eyes open. They aren't as blood shot today . " I didn't plan to kiss you," I assur e him, not bothe ring to say that I didn't plan to kill him, either . H e

smile s at that. "Wha t can I do for you, Sherr y?" K ane purpo sely baits me. He must assu me if I chan ged my name , there' s a reaso n. Lou Kinip ski isn't exact ly a name anyo ne woul d choo

se to flatter their celeb rity imag e, so he proba bly finds it curio us. "First , you can tell me how you found out my name ." A fter remo ving his boots from his desk, he straig htens in his chair. I stare

at the back of his head. My first impre ssion conc ernin g his hair was that it's dirty. Not so. The color is dirty blond ; the hair itself is not dirty. " You could use highli ghts," I decid e, walki ng aroun d him to sit

in the cold metal chair. " I'll discu ss that with my hairdr esser next time I'm in the salon ," Kane says sarca sticall y. "Now , what is it that you wish to discu ss with me, cupc ake?" He cring es. "I mean

, Sherr y, or do you prefe r Ms. Billin gton? Ms. Kinip ski? I get so confu sed." " I'd prefe r that you go to hell. But Ms. Kinip ski is fine. Now, answ er my quest ion." K ane leans forwa rd, place s his elbo ws

on the desk, and steep les his finger s bene ath his chin. "First , I dedu ced that you were from Texa s. You'v e almo st lost the acce nt, but not quite. Seco nd, I susp ected that you don't have

a good relati onshi p with your adopt ive paren ts, or they woul d have given you more infor matio n than you have conc ernin g your biolo gical paren ts. By tracin g your mode ling caree r, I know that you'v

e lived in New York for at least six years , proba bly a little longe r. By my gues stima tions, that woul d have made you fairly youn g when you left your Texa s roots to seek fame and fortun e in the

big city." K ane open s a draw er and takes out the whisk ey. I gues s he need s to wet his whistl e after trying to impre ss me with his gift for dedu ction. I am a little impre ssed, but I'm not

going to tell him that. " Youn g wom en flock to the city every day to do just that," I point out. True, " he agree s. "Your name bothe red me. I can see you takin g a more glam orous name to furthe r your

mode ling caree r. Lou Kinip ski is not a glam orous name . Yet it reeks of false ness. So if you didn't chan ge your name for profe ssion al reaso ns, then why? The natur al concl usion is beca use you didn't want

anyo ne from Texa s to find you. Why? Runa way, of cours e." I reac h acros s his desk, lift the Wild Turke y bottle , and take a drink. "And that's why I beca me a famo us mode l and had my pictur e

plast ered in maga zines , on billbo ards, and so on. I didn't want anyo ne to know who I am." " That also bothe red me," he admit s. "Just on a hunc h, I looke d throu gh the repor ts on missi ng girls who

woul d have been about your age when you left Texa s. I ran acros s an intere sting articl e about a coupl e elopi ng on prom night, never to be heard from again ." M y heart lurch es. Were there pictur es

along with the articl e? Ther e could n't have been or Kane woul dn't belie ve for one mom ent that I am the same girl who disap peare d. " And? " I prod him. " The articl e was very small . The

snap shot was poor qualit y. Even so." He shak es his head. "How much plasti c surge ry did you have and who the hell paid for it? Good ol' Tom? Wher e is he now? Did you ditch him after you got what

you want ed and decid ed you were too good for a Texa s farm boy?" I 'm sicke ned that Kane actua lly know s what I once looke d like. More so that he know s there is a conn ectio n

betw een me and Tom Daws on. Of cours e he woul d assu me I had plasti c surge ry. That is the only logic al expla natio n. I need to get him off any conn ectio n betw een Tom and me or no tellin

g what else he might dig up. " I didn't run away with Tom Daws on," I say. "I have no idea wher e he is. He was the star footb all playe r for our high scho ol team. As you saw by the pictur

e, he woul dn't have been intere sted in a girl like me." W hile I lie like a son, or daug hter, or what ever, of a bitch to Kane , I hope I've devel oped enou gh facial reacti on skills durin g my mode ling caree

r to look truthf ul. " Then wher e did you get the mone y to have the plasti c surge ry, and why did you run away to begin with? " I 'm not on trial. At least not yet. "Non e of this is really

any of your busin ess," I remin d him. "All I want is for you to find my birth paren ts. I had a little work done. It wasn' t that expe nsive ." More lying. "I was a late bloo mer, also. It's not that I don't want

anyo ne from Texa s to know who I am; it's that I don't have a good relati onshi p with my adopt ive paren ts and we parte d on bad terms . I chan ged my name befor e I starte d mode ling. I want ed a

fresh start. Can we drop this now and get back to the real issue ?" K ane stare s at me from acros s the desk. His eyes are not actua lly mudd y brow n. They' re more the color of whisk ey. Whic

h is ironic . This whol e situat ion is my fault. I had respo nded when he calle d me Sherr y on the phon e. I shoul d have playe d dumb inste ad of hangi ng up in a panic like I did. " Okay ," he finally says. "Wha t

infor matio n will you give me that I don't have to go diggi ng to find?" I 'd sigh in relief if Kane woul dn't poun ce on that reacti on, as well. "I have the name of the agen cy I was adopt ed throu gh. The

agen cy claim s all their files are seale d. They also say they woul d have to have writte n permi ssion from the birth moth er to relea se the infor matio n. They supp osedl y have no know n locati

on for her." " Typic al respo nse," Kane says. "And that is why peopl e hire privat e inves tigato rs." A s much as it irks me, I came prepa red. Liftin g my beaut y bag, I remo ve fiftee n thous and dollar s in

cash. I place it on his desk. "That shoul d get you starte d. One rule. Don't conta ct my adopt ive paren ts. Like I said, we parte d on bad terms and neith er of us want s anyth ing to do with the other. Got that?

" " Make s my job harde r, but yeah, I got it." He slides the mone y acros s the desk and into the same draw er wher e he keep s his whisk ey. He looks at me and shak es his head again . " What

?" I ask tersel y. " I just wond er how much of what I see is what I get with you." I rise. "Stop wond ering. You'r e not gettin g any of me." H e laugh s as I walk towar d the door. " I'll be in touch ."

N ot a comf orting thoug ht. I have a feelin g I just open ed a can of worm s I'd be better off to have left burie d.

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 6 F orres t Gum p's moth er had a lot of catch y s aying s. I neve r really unde rstoo d any of

them . L ife is not like a box of choc olate s. Life is more l ike a wad of gum stuck to the botto m of your f avorit e pair of shoe s. The more you try to c lean up the mess , the

sticki er it beco mes. M anolo Blahn ik on Fiftyfourth is heav en on earth. Just the smell of fine leath er footw ear sooth es my batter ed soul. I'm living in the mom ent, leavi ng every thing behin d. No

worri es about were wolf outbr eaks. No pictur es of murd er victim s being thrust at me. No night mare s. No Morg an Kane sniffi ng aroun d in place s he shoul dn't sniff. Just shoe s. Mule s. Pum ps. Sand

als. Like I said. Heav en. " What do you think of these , Lou? " K aren mode ls a pair of red Mary Jane pump s with three -inch heels . The heels make her look about six eight. Kare n is six two and proud

of it. Heig ht is not an issue with her. She dates tall men, short men, fat men, skinn y men, it does n't matte r. I've even seen her danci ng with men who appe ar to be suckli ng at her breas ts beca use

of the heigh t issue . I admir e her for not givin g a damn . I, in contr ast, give too much of one. " Wick ed bad," I assur e her. " Cindy , what do you think ?" I n a surpri se move , Cindy

decid ed to come shoe shop ping in norm al shoe store s with us today . Since she's a little starst ruck by Kare n, I think I know why she agree d to tag along . " They look good, " is about all she

can mana ge aroun d the slobb er in her mout h. " I think I'll get them, " Kare n decid es. She frown s at me. "You' re not into the spirit of the shoe s, Lou. You'v e only tried on one pair." E

ven shoe s can't take my mind off my troubl es. I'm a bit distra cted. "Just enjoy ing new shoe smell ," I tell her. "It's almo st as good as new car smell ." K aren sniffs . "I never fully appre ciate d the

new shoe smell befor e." " It's really stron g at Red Wing, " Cindy offers . "Lots of leath er in those store s." " We'r e not going ," I mutte r to her. "And stop drooli ng. It's emba rrassi ng." R unwa y

style, Kare n floun ces over in the killer red pump s. "Leav e her be, Lou. She can drool if she want s. I don't mind. I'm used to it." H ave I menti oned that Kare n does n't have a humb le bone in her body

? She was born beaut iful. I've seen baby pictur es of her. She carrie s them with her. Kare n has no conc eptio n of what it's like to be unattr activ e. Or even norm al looki ng. " I'm starvi ng," I say. "Let's

go have lunch ." E ven frown ing, Kare n is nothi ng short of stunn ing. "But I've only decid ed on this one pair. I've never gone home with only one pair of shoe s." " We can alway s stop back

on our way home ," Cindy sugg ests. "Trut h is, I'm starvi ng, too." K aren shrug s. "Oka y, but only on one condi tion. You buy these shoe s, Lou. You'd look great in them. " T he shoe s aren't

made for walki ng. They' re sex shoe s. The kind of shoe s a wom an wear s with a strapl ess corse t, garte r belt, and thighhigh hose. Due to curre nt circu msta nces, they' d go wast ed in my close

t. On the other hand, the shoe s might get a reacti on from Terry Shay shoul d our paths ever cross again . Thos e shoe s woul d get a seco nd look from a priest . " Okay ." I cave. "But only beca

use I'm hungr y." I leav e the shop weari ng the shoe s. I'm nearl y as tall as Kare n in them. Poor Cindy looks like a midg et as we stroll down Fiftyfourth towar d a little cafe the mode ls frequ ent. The place

has wond erful soup s and salad s. As we walk, Kare n whips out her cell and make s a call. She says she's head ed to the cafe and hang s up. I lift a brow. " Just lettin g my servi ce know wher e I'll be," she

expla ins. T hat's odd. Woul dn't her servi ce just call her if they need her? Woul d her agen cy actua lly grab a cab and come runni ng to the cafe if they had to discu ss busin ess? Mine woul dn't. Mayb

e I shoul d switc h. I t's a lovely day for winte r in New York. The Chris tmas lights still twinkl e in the trees. It's chilly, but not freezi ng. I'm envisi oning the Cobb salad smot hered in blue chee se I'll have,

when it happ ens. T he unthi nkabl e. I step in gum. G um! O n my brand -new pair of fourhundr edandseve ntyfivedollar shoe s! R arely do I say the F word. Wher e I come from, the F

word is not like sayin g "oh, shoot " like it is in New York. I say it now. K aren' s head swing s towar d me. We had this rhyth m going , the three of us walki ng down the street like Charl ie's Angel s. I've

throw n the whol e line out of sync. Cindy stum bles. She actua lly trips over the F word. She neve r heard that word growi ng up in her hous e. K aren repea ts the F word. "He must have been at the Starb ucks on the

corne r to have gotte n here so fast." H e? Starb ucks ? What' s Kare n talkin g about ? I slide my shoe along the pave ment as we walk, hopin g to dislo dge the wad stuck to the botto m. Then

I see him. Stefa n stand s outsi de the cafe, looki ng suspi ciousl y like he's waitin g for us to join him. W e have n't spok en since I calle d him a bozo and slam med the car door in his face. Guiltil

y, I realiz e I have n't thoug ht about him for a coupl e of days. I've been too busy thinki ng about Shay, and the fact he's writte n me off as a total loony bird. I've also been thinki ng about Morg an Kane , and

what kind of infor matio n he's diggi ng up now. " You just calle d him." I frown at Kare n. "This is a setup ." S he does n't bothe r to deny it. "I thoug ht you two shoul d kiss and make up.

He's been hell to work with the past coupl e of days. " D ue to murd ers and mayh em, I have n't work ed since the cowb oy boots shoot . I'm not sche duled to work again until Frida y. I have yet to convi

nce myse lf that Stefa n's grimy onenight stand s are none of my busin ess. I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgiv e and forget . At least he's not weari ng the orang e stocki ng cap I despi se. H e smile s as I gimp

along , dragg ing the botto m of one of my sex shoe s on the pave ment. Whe n Stefa n smile s, it's hard to stay mad. He has this naug htylittleboy thing going for him that wom en find impo ssible

to resist . And therei n lies the probl em. " Hi, Lou," he says when we reach him. " Hi," I say back. S tefan glanc es down at my feet. He laugh s. This is not the fourhundr edandseve ntyfivedollar

respo nse I had hope d to get while weari ng the shoe s. " You have paper stuck to the botto m of your shoe. " G lanci ng down , I'm tempt ed to cuss again . A Snick ers bar wrap per is now stuck to my shoe.

I place a hand on Stefa n's shoul der, lean down , and pull it off. Ther e's a wast e recep tacle in front of the cafe. I walk over and try to throw the cand y wrap per in the trash. It sticks to my finger s. I say

the F word again . W hen I turn aroun d, Kare n, Stefa n, and Cindy all grin back at me like villag e idiots . Grum bling, I marc h past them into the cafe. The burst of warm air impro ves my

mood . Bene ath my jacke t, I wear a shortsleev ed blous e. Shop ping often leads to swea ting, depe nding on how serio us a wom an is about it. I dress ed to layer down . T he cafe is seat yours

elf. I spot a cozy booth in the back and head that way. I don't wait for the other s. I'm focus ed on the fact I have gum on the botto m of my shoe and I'm caref ul wher e I walk. A disca rded napki n

isn't gettin g a free ride from me. O nce I reach the booth , I plop down and imme diatel y lift my shoe to asse ss the dama ge. With luck, I might be able to scrap e off the mess with a knife. Kare

n, Stefa n, and Cindy scoot in from the other side. Cindy sits besid e me, then Kare n and Stefa n take the outsi de acros s from me. " I need a knife, " I mutte r. "Stup id gum. " " If you

put ice on it first and freez e it, I've heard it's easie r to get off," Kare n sugg ests. "Or, you could just throw them away . That' s what I do." O kay. I'm a little tight with my mone y. I'm not trashi ng

these sex shoe s even if I'm never going to wear them again . They can sit in my close t, a little red ray of hope that at some future date, I can have a norm al sex life again . Or an abnor mal one. I'll

take anyth ing. A s soon as our perky waitr ess sets water glass es in front of us, I dig a piece of ice from the glass . I slide the ice along the botto m of my sticky shoe. The street clean ers must be on strike

beca use in one short walk I have enou gh grime stuck to the botto m of my shoe to make mud, which of cours e gets all over my finger s. I paus e long enou gh to grab a napki n. " Lou, hone y, I'll

buy you a new pair of shoe s if you'll stop flashi ng your panti es at every one sittin g acros s the room from us. You are weari ng panti es, right? " I glan ce up and acros s at Stefa n. His word s regist

er a mom ent later and my head swive ls towar d the other side of the room. Ther e are a numb er of peopl e starin g at me. One of them is Dete ctive Terry Shay. Or I think it is. He's not looki ng direct ly at

me. He's looki ng up my skirt. I uncro ss my legs and bang my knee s toget her. My face is on fire. I know a millio n men have seen me in my under wear, but this is differ ent. I'm not sure how exact

ly it's differ ent. It just is. " What are you doing here anyw ay?" I ask Stefa n, totall y unglu ed by seein g Shay looki ng up my skirt. By seein g Shay perio d. "I don't reme mber invitin g you." S tefan smile

s despi te my bad mood . "Kare n invite d me." H is admi ssion warra nts anoth er glare at Kare n. She picks up the menu and looks at it. "I can bring a friend ," she infor ms me. "You broug ht

one." I woul d argue that Cindy is a mutu al friend , but then, she woul d just argue back that Stefa n is also a mutu al friend . But enou gh about Stefa n. What in the hell is Terry Shay doing here? I can't pictur

e the cafe as one of his usual haunt s. He does n't look like a soup and salad kind of guy. He's meat and potat oes all the way. I s he follow ing me? But wait, he was alrea dy here befor e I walke d in.

In a city this size, it's hard to belie ve this is a coinci denc e. K aren wear s a rathe r sly smile she tries to hide behin d her menu . " You didn't ," I say. S he shrug s and place s her menu aside

. "He conta cted me throu gh my servi ce. Said some thing about chec king your credi bility. To me, soun ded like a lame excu se to get infor matio n about you. I said he shoul d meet me here today durin g

lunch time if he want ed to talk to me." " What and who are you talkin g about ?" Stefa n looks aroun d the room. He zeros in on Shay. "Wha t's that cop doing here? " He turns the pupp y-dog eyes on me.

"You said he talke d to you about identi ty theft, Lou. Why woul d he chec k your credi bility with Kare n?" T his situat ion is as sticky as the gum on the botto m of my shoe. I like havin g friend s, but

only Cindy is allow ed into the perso nal side of my life. " I get the impre ssion Dete ctive Shay think s I stole my own identi ty. You know , charg ed my cards up and cried foul to get out of payin g

them. I'm sure that happ ens all the time with supp osed identi ty theft probl ems." This lying stuff is gettin g too easy for me. " Take s his job a little serio usly, does n't he?" Stefa n grum bles. He charg

es to the rescu e. "I can set him straig ht if you want me to." W hat I want is for every one to stay out of my busin ess. And I certai nly don't want Terry strolli ng over to talk murd er in front of my friend s.

Wher e does he get off conta cting Kare n to ask quest ions about me anyw ay? I glanc e acros s the room to give him a dirty look. I come facetoface with his crotc h. It's a nice crotc h. " Mind

if I join you?" he asks. N ow that's a loade d quest ion. Befor e I can assur e him that I do mind, Kare n pipes up. "No, there' s plent y of room. Just scoot in next to Lou." I f she were close r, I'd

snatc h Kare n bald. Terry scoot s in besid e me. Too many bodie s cram med toget her make s weari ng a coat unbe arabl e. I shrug out of mine. Cindy sudd enly puts an arm aroun d me and slaps her hand again

st the top of my arm. I glanc e at her. She leans in close to whisp er, "You have some fur on the top of your arm." O h, great. I'm havin g anoth er outbr eak. I can do one of two thing s. Run from the

cafe screa ming, or howli ng, which ever the case may be, or act as if there' s nothi ng odd about my best friend sudd enly gettin g too chum my with me. I decid e on the latter. " I'd prefe r you not to discu ss

my busin ess with my friend s," I tell Terry . "It's betw een you and me and I'd like to keep it that way." T erry stare s at Cindy 's hand press ed again st my arm, as if he didn't hear my com ment. Finall

y he glanc es up at me. "Che cking credi bility is stand ard proce dure. " " Well, I can vouc h for Lou's credi bility, " Stefa n says. He harde ns his pupp y-dog eyes on Terry . "I've know n her for a long time.

A very long time." I gues s that's supp osed to mean some thing, the adde d "very long time." If Stefa n is sugg estin g we're lover s, he can take a numb er. Cindy is obvio usly my lover in the mind

s of all prese nt. Even Kare n looks a little surpri sed. " Mayb e this isn't a good idea." Terry direct s the com ment to Kare n. "I'll leave you all to enjoy your lunch ." K aren reach es forwa rd and slaps

his hand with a menu . "Don' t be silly," she croon s. "You have to eat, right? Stay so we can get better acqu ainte d." R ecalli ng Kare n's com ment about Shay' s ass, I know why she'd want to get

to know him. Since I sit with anoth er wom an's arm drape d aroun d me, Kare n feels she's been given the goahea d to pursu e Terry Shay sexu ally. That thoug ht does not impro ve my mood . "

Mayb e just some pie and coffe e," Shay agree s. T he waitr ess appe ars and takes our order s. The mom ent she leave s is awkw ard, to say the least. Every one keep s glanc ing at Cindy 's hand

plast ered to my shoul der. " So, Dete ctive Shay, since this isn't busin ess, can we call you Terry ?" Kare n attem pts to save an awkw ard mom ent. " I gues s that woul d all right. " " Let me

introd uce you to every one," she says, battin g her lashe s. S hay's thigh is press ed again st mine. I wond er if he's as awar e of the conta ct as I am. Prob ably not, since Kare n is vying for his undiv

ided attent ion. "I alrea dy know Ms. Kinip ski and Ms. Emer son," he says. "And I reme mber you and the photo graph er from befor e." " Stefa n O'Co nner, " Stefa n says. He glanc es at me, at

Cindy 's hand, and raise s a brow. I rub my arms to signif y "I'm cold," as if that were some type of expla natio n. Kare n asks Shay about hims elf. She mana ges to pry infor matio n from him, altho ugh I

get the feelin g he'd as soon eat his pie, drink his coffe e, and be on his way. I learn that Shay was born and raise d in the city. H is father was a cop and his father befor e him. At one

point Cindy rathe r loudl y anno unce s, "You feel cold, hone y," and she helps me into my coat. At least I can move again . We finish our salad s, and when the waitr ess bring s the chec k, Stefa n

galla ntly picks up the tab. S hoppi ng will have to be cut short. I can't shop durin g a fur outbr eak. My apart ment buildi ng is within walki ng dista nce. Cindy and Kare n can proce ed witho ut me. We

all climb from the booth . " I'd like to talk to you," Shay says to me. "Alon e, since you want our busin ess to remai n privat e." T here' s a little of Morg an Kane in Terry Shay. I'm

curio us about what he want s to discu ss with me. "I gues s you can walk me home . Or at least partw ay." O nce we file out of the cafe, Shay hang s back as I make my excu ses to the rest of the

group . Cindy offers to conti nue the hunt for expe nsive shoe s with Kare n. I wond er if Cindy will end up dragg ing her into a Red Wing like she alway s does me. Stefa n does n't look pleas ed by the

devel opme nt. " I thoug ht I might give you a lift home ," he says. "I want ed to apolo gize for what I said to you last time we were toget her. I think we shoul d kiss and make up like Kare n want s us

to do." K issing and maki ng up isn't an objec tiona ble thoug ht. Even if I had guilt feelin gs for not thinki ng much about Stefa n the last few days, I realiz e that I miss him. He does care about me, and I

care deepl y about him. I value his friend ship, regar dless of what ever else goes on betw een us. Step ping forwa rd, I place a hand on his arm. " Som e other time, okay ? How about Frida y after

the shoot ? You can give me a lift home then. " H is gaze stray s past me to Shay. "Are you in some kind of troubl e, Lou? If you are, I want to help." I 'm begin ning to under stand other peopl

e can't alway s fight my battle s for me. Stefa n helpe d me out treme ndou sly seve n years ago. Cindy helps me out all the time. What' s happ ening now is some thing I have to do myse lf. "

I know you want to help," I say. "And I appre ciate that, but I'm a big girl. I'll handl e this." H e glanc es away and then back at me. "I just like to look out for you. I care about you, Lou. You

know that, right? " T erry may send my horm ones into overd rive, but Stefa n touch es me on a deep er level. I wish I could share what is happ ening to me with him. I wish I could tell him about my past

and what I was runni ng from when he found me. But I prefe r that he only sees the surfa ce. Ther e's nothi ng wron g now with the outsi de of me well, besid es the fact I have fur on my shoul der. "

Sure I do," I answ er. Givin g him my best cover -girl smile , I sque eze his arm and walk away . "I'll see you Frida y," I call over my shoul der. S hay waits a short dista nce from me. Kare n and Cindy

walk arm in arm towar d the expe nsive row of shop s that line Fiftyfourth . I'm sure Kare n's intent ions were good when she got Terry and me toget her, even if she later decid ed she might want him for herse

lf. Than ks a lot, girlfri end. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 7 T here' s nothi ng wors e than havin g an itch you can't scrat ch. Okay

, that may be a little m elodr amati c. Ther e are wors e thing s, a lot wors e. But I'm still living in the mom ent. A nd this mom ent is dam n unco mfort able. I itch like the devil as

Shay and I start towar d the gener al direct ion of my apart ment buildi ng. My shoul der area seem s partic ularly vulne rable to the recen t outbr eaks. Kind of like a stres s zit that pops up in the same place when a

norm al wom an's life gets crazy . I'll take the zit any day. M y jacke t is too heav y to allow deep scrat ch penet ration . I'm force d to deal with the disco mfort. Both the shoul der fur and Shay walki

ng besid e me as if we're a norm al coupl e out for an aftern oon stroll in the city. I'm anyth ing but norm al, and Shay is well, I'm not sure what he is besid es hunk alicio us. Mayb e it's time to find out if

he's more than a pretty face. " You said your father was a cop," I say. "Do your paren ts live in the city?" " Broo klyn," he answ ers. "Bee n there all their marri ed lives. " " So that's wher e you grew

up?" A s we stroll, it does n't esca pe my notic e that Terry' s eyes const antly searc h the area. "Yea h. Me and my three broth ers, and my sister . The hous e has only three bedro oms so Sis got the one

room and the four of us boys were cram med into the other one. That'l l make you tough ." I smil e. It's hard to imagi ne not being an only child. "Are you close to every one? " " Yeah , we're

all tight," he answ ers, his eyes still roami ng the street s. "Got a coupl e of neph ews and a niece , too. Kids are the best." B efore I get too many warm fuzzi es, I reme mber Terry has dragg ed my friend

s into my busin ess. "Let's clear some thing up. Leav e my friend s out of this. I'm not involv ed in the murd ers you'r e inves tigati ng. You had no right to conta ct Kare n." S udde nly Terry takes my

arm and steer s me into an alley way. He glanc es aroun d the corne r as if chec king to make sure we aren't being follow ed. I think Stefa n is right. Shay takes his job too serio usly. " Here' s the deal. Som ethin

g intere sting came up durin g DNA testin g, and again when the profil er talke d to the detec tives on this case. I need ed to know about your credi bility. Psyc hics are a hard pill for me to swall ow. I don't

belie ve in the super natur al. I don't want to share infor matio n with some one trying to put some thing over on me." I wish I didn't belie ve in the super natur al. I'm walki ng, talkin g proof that most peopl

e are bless edly ignor ant about the mons ters roami ng their cities. Wait a minut e; did Shay just say he want s to share infor matio n with me? " What kind of infor matio n?" H e glanc es aroun d the

corne r again . "Priv ate infor matio n regar ding these two case s. Infor matio n we woul dn't want leake d." I wait until I have his undiv ided attent ion again befor e askin g, "Why woul d you share infor

matio n with me? I told you that I'm not involv ed in these murd ers. They have nothi ng to do with me." I 've never notic ed how long and slend er his finger s are until he runs them throu gh his hair. He

does n't have detec tive hand s. He has musi cian hand s. "I'm still not convi nced you might not be a target ," he says. "It's conc eivab le that the killer might only be fulfilli ng his fanta sies about you with

wom en who rese mble you and are easie r to get to." " Oh, that make s me feel better ," I say sarca sticall y. "Is this what you want ed to tell me? Stuff that will make me paran oid?" " No." He shak

es his head. "That' s not what I want ed to discu ss with you. What you told me the other day in your apart ment. I thoug ht it was crazy . But beca use of the bite mark s and furlik e hair found bene ath the

victim s' nails, the profil er on these case s susp ects the murd erer suffer s from lycan throp y. You know , that disea se wher e some one belie ves they'r e a were wolf? " I f anyb ody know s

what lycan throp y is, it's me. I've done a ton of resea rch on the condi tion. I've even tried to make myse lf belie ve I suffer from it. But like the murd erer, I don't think that's the case. I wish now I'd never

told Terry what I did. I've conn ected myse lf to the case, and I don't want to be conn ected . It's bad enou gh that I drea m about the creep , and about his victim s. " So, why are you shari ng this infor matio

n with me?" I ask. "Just beca use my psyc hic abiliti es allow ed me to pick up infor matio n on the killer does n't mean I can actua lly pick him out in a crow d. Why drag me into it when I assur e you

I have no desir e to be dragg ed into it?" S hay looks away . He appe ars to be meas uring his word s befor e he glanc es back at me. "I've never belie ved in psyc hics. I do know how killers opera

te, and this guy isn't finish ed. I want to conta ct you and get your thoug hts when and if he kills again . I also want to warn you to be vigila nt. I think he might come after you." H e's totall y creep

ing me out. And that's a hard thing to do to a girl who, at the mom ent, has an unnat ural fur growt h on her shoul der. Think ing about it only make s the itch wors e. Think ing about it also remin ds

me that regar dless of what I am, or what I seem to be beco ming, I have a huma n duty to my fellow man and wom an. " I'll help if I can," I grudg ingly agree . "And I'll be vigila nt when

I'm out and about , but I really don't think these attac ks are aime d at me perso nally. " S hay guide s me back towar d the street . "You still have my numb er, right? " he asks. I 'm not about to tell him

his card still rests on my night stand , as if I'd actua lly get up the nerve to call him some lonel y night. "I think I have it some wher e." D iggin g into his back jeans pock et, Shay remo ves

his wallet , slips out anoth er card, and hand s it to me. "Just in case. " I drop the card into my beaut y bag as we walk. "All right, busin ess concl uded. You don't have to walk me the rest of the way."

I need to scrat ch. I can barel y suppr ess the urge. " You'r e real good for my ego, Kinip ski," he says flatly. "You' re alway s trying to get rid of me." I f it were n't for the itchin g, I'd be enjoy ing

myse lf a little too much . I like the fact that Shay come s from a big boist erous famil y. I've alway s fanta sized about being part of a big famil y. He likes kids, too. That alway s wins a man point s with

a wom an. That thoug ht make s me frown . I'm not sure if I can have kids. What kind of childr en woul d I produ ce? And woul d it just be one kid at a time or a whol e litter? That thoug ht make

s me shud der. S hay stops me and pulls my collar up aroun d my neck. His hand s are cold. "Sure you don't want me to walk you the rest of the way? " I t's tempt ing. Even with the itch drivin g me nuts.

Whic h is exact ly why I need to send him on his way. "I'm a big girl. I think I can handl e walki ng two more block s home . You'll have to go make some one else's day." T hat gets me a smile . He has

white , straig ht teeth. His hand s still grasp my collar . His smile fades as he stare s down at me. I'm thinki ng now might be a good time for him to kiss me. He's obvio usly thinki ng some thing else. "

Well, take care, Ms. Kinip ski." He relea ses me and steps back. I migh t be blush ing. Like I expe cted some thing and didn't get it. I brush my hair off my chee k and try to act casu al. "Sinc e we're almo

st worki ng toget her, I think it woul d be all right if you call me 'Lou.' " H e smile s that killer smile again . "All right, " he agree s. "Lou it is." A bout now I wish I hadn' t chos en an ugly name to remin

d myse lf that I was once an ugly girl. Even Shay can't make it soun d good. Ther e's nothi ng else to say or do but leave . "See you aroun d." " Call me if you get any weird vibes , or what ever

it is you do. And watc h your back. Be alert to your surro undin gs." I give him a little salut e, which make s him smile again . He finds me amus ing. Then I reme mber he also finds me gay. Is that

the reaso n he didn't kiss me? Mayb e he didn't kiss me beca use he's not attrac ted to me. That' s a hard pill to swall ow. T urnin g away , I move on. As I walk along the street , shari ng my energ y with

other s, I feel Shay' s eyes follow me. I feel them for a long time. Too long. Sudd enly, the hair on the back of my neck stand s on end. A feelin g of unea se settle s over me. It's not a feelin g a perso n

gets from havin g the objec t of that perso n's desir e starin g after her. It's a creep y feelin g. N onch alantl y, I glanc e over my itchy shoul der. I don't see Shay. I do see a man stopp ed at a corne r a

block down , starin g in my direct ion. He wear s a hood ed swea tshirt, hand s stuffe d insid e his jacke t pock ets. Mayb e he isn't starin g at me. I can't see his face. Ther e's only a black hole insid

e the hood of his swea tshirt. But he is starin g, I know this instin ctivel y. My sens es sharp en in a heart beat. T here' s a pecul iar scent in the air. In a sea of huma n bodie s, huma n smell s, his is differ ent.

A growl rises in my throat . Surpr ised, I suppr ess it. My gums sudd enly ache. My finger tips sting. What the hell is going on? I'm in dang er. I sens e, smell , and taste it. What ever is happ ening to me, it has

to do with the hood ed man on the corne r. R unnin g away is a natur al respo nse in every creat ure, huma n or other wise. Fight or flight. I turn away , prepa red to get the hell out of Dodg e, then

some thing dawn s on me. I'm not the weakl ing I was when Tom Daws on attac ked me. I'm not helpl ess. I've got fur, dam mit! I whee l aroun d to confr ont the man, but he's gone. My gaze darts franti

cally amon g the peopl e on the street . I don't see him. Sniffi ng the air, I realiz e I don't smell him, either . Was he ever there to begin with? S hake n and worri ed I might sprou t fangs or some other abnor malit

y, I start for home . I fight the urge to keep looki ng over my shoul der. Did I see and sens e what I thoug ht I did? Or has Shay mana ged to flood my subc onsci ous with paran ormal delus ions?

I desp eratel y want to belie ve the latter. Every huma n and inhu man instin ct I have tells me that woul d be a lie. A hot show er and a good shoul der waxin g usual ly calm my nerve s. I

searc h the kitch en for some thing to eat. My fridge need s stocki ng and I settle for yogur t and pretz el sticks . No matte r how calm I prete nd to be, insid e I still quak e. I can't forget the feelin g of his eyes

on me of his scent or my reacti on to it. I realiz e the sens e of contr ol I thoug ht I had over my life durin g the past seve n years is a false one. For a split seco nd today , I was trans porte d back to prom

night. I lost contr ol. A few pretz el sticks dippe d in yogur t later, I still shak e. My snac k has absol utely zero calmi ng effect . A girl need s choc olate and lots of it for imme diate stres s relief. Mayb e a

big fat chee sebur ger and fries. A milk shak e or two. My stom ach growl s and I take cons olatio n in the fact that it's a norm al respo nse to hung er. Grow ling from the throat is not norm al. P lacin

g the food aside , I move into the bedro om and stare at Shay' s card. I'm tempt ed to call him, but for all I know , he's part of the probl em. He could have mess ed with my mind today . Eithe r that, or

mayb e he's the one who's psyc hic. The light blinks on my answ ering mach ine. I'm hesit ant to push the butto n. What if I hear heav y breat hing? I realiz e I'm being ridicu lous and reach out and push

the butto n. K ane's voice blare s back at me. "Hey, cupc ake, got a lead on some thing. Meet me at the club tonig ht aroun d nine and we'll talk about it." B eep. E nd of mess ages. M y excit

emen t level rises a notch to know that Kane has infor matio n for me. Enth usias m fades when I realiz e he just told me to meet him at the club. I'm not in the mood to go out; then again , mayb e it woul

d be good for me. I'm still not sure if I really saw what I think I saw today if the man on the corne r was stalki ng me, if the dang er was real or imagi ned. I do know that once a perso n allow

s fear to take contr ol of her life, it's hard to break free. I'm not going to cowe r in my apart ment. I'm not going to cowe r ever again . W hile I decid e what to wear, I admit I'm not as brave

as I often like to belie ve. I'll ask Cindy to go with me. She's the logic al choic e since she know s all of my secre ts. Mayb e we'll grab that chee sebur ger and fries befor e we meet Kane . Just the thoug ht of

greas e has a calmi ng effect on me. I find my beaut y bag, dig out my phon e, and call Cindy 's cell. " Hello ?" she answ ers. " What' s up?" I ask. " Kare n and I are in Red Wing smelli

ng new workboot smell ." C indy can't see me roll my eyes. "At least you'r e not some wher e smelli ng old workboot smell . Hey, I want you to go to Fred die Z's with me tonig ht. Kane

has infor matio n for me." A paus e on the other end of the line. "You sure you want to mess with this guy? What if it's incri minat ing infor matio n?" " Kare n isn't listeni ng to you, is she?" I imme diatel

y dema nd. " No, she's flirtin g with the sales man. She's actin g like she's actua lly intere sted in buyin g herse lf a pair of work boots ." A musi ng. "Whe n are you comi ng home ?" A nothe

r short paus e. "It might be a while. Kare n's really jerkin g the guy's chain and it's fun to watc h." I wish I were there to see that. I could use a laugh . "Do you want to meet me later at Burg er Joint ? We

can go to the club from there. " " Soun ds good. " " Don't invite Kare n. You know this is privat e." S he sighs . "I'm not an idiot, Lou." D ial tone. I had that comi ng. Cindy 's scatt erbrai

ned at times , but she's certai nly not an idiot. Tonig ht I'll dress down , lowkey, no attent ion grabb ers. I decid e on jeans and a Tshirt, tenni s shoe s and a pullo ver. Getti ng ready takes me into the eveni

ng. At seve n I call down and have the night door man order me a cab. W hen I first step out on the street , I feel a mom ent of trepid ation. I glanc e aroun d me. Nothi ng looks out of the norm. The cab

waits for me, and I find even that threat ening . I get a grip and marc h over and open the cab door. I'm reliev ed when I recog nize the cabb y. He's picke d me up sever al times , never sprou ted fur

and fangs or tried to jump me in the back seat. I climb insid e and tell him wher e to take me. B urger Joint is well lit and crow ded. I'm reliev ed to see Cindy alrea dy seate d. Shoul d I tell her

about the incid ent today ? Is it even worth tellin g anyo ne about ? It could have all been in my imagi natio n. But no, my reacti on to the man was not my imagi natio n. He trigge red some thing in me. Som

ethin g bad. Mayb e Cindy can help me sort throu gh what happ ened today . C O N F E S S I O N N O . 8 R ock and roll is here

to stay. Or is it here to slay ? F reddi e Z's is a typic al smell y, swea ty rock and roll bar. The place does have a seve nties feel to it, comp lete with walltowall poste rs and

black lights . A thirdrate band is playi ng tonig ht. I hope Kane' s band is better than this one. " The only thing wors e than a meat mark et is a less than prime meat mark et," Cindy says, curlin g her

lip. I raise my drink in salut e. "Got that right. We must have come on loser night. " Ther e was a time when Cindy and I were both less than prime cut. Brac es and conta cts fixed Cindy . Beco

ming a were wolf fixed me. Neith er of us are girls a man woul d take home to meet Mom, howe ver, so I gues s we don't have room to talk. " So wher e is this guy?" Cindy shout s over the noise

. "I'm tired and want to go home . Besid es, you had two outbr eaks today . We proba bly shoul dn't be out in publi c." C indy's right, and who know s wher e Kane is amon g a sea of swea ty bodie

s. I'm not in the mood to hunt for him, but I do want the infor matio n. "I have n't seen him yet," I answ er Cindy . "I'm sure he'll shim my out from under a rock at some point. " " Talki n' about me,

cupc ake?" M y head snap s up. Kane stand s behin d Cindy . The strob e lights in the bar remin d me of the blinkblinkblink of a neon sign. They catch the blond strea ks in his hair. Has he highli ghted it? He

wear s a mesh Tshirt and black skinti ght pants . I'm sure he has the cowb oy boots on his feet. Introd uctio ns are in order . " Morg an Kane , this is my friend Cindy . Cindy , Morg an Kane ."

K ane nods towar d Cindy , then asks, "You sure you want witne sses, cupc ake? I thoug ht you want ed to keep our busin ess privat e." C indy blinks at me and mout hs, "Cup cake ?" I shru g. "She'

s okay. I don't keep secre ts from her." H e glanc es betw een the two of us. Cindy does n't hide the fact she's gay. She's weari ng a man' s swea ter right now, no make up, her brow s need

to be pluck ed, and the dial is lit up on her big ol' sport s watc h. Kane flash es the dimpl es at me. " I see. You ladie s into three some s?" S tefan thinki ng I'm gay anno yed me. Terry thinki ng

I'm gay deva state d me, I realiz e I could care less if Morg an think s I'm gay. " Cut the crap, Kane ," I say. "Let's just get down to busin ess so we can go home ." H e pouts for a minut e,

then make s a jerkin g motio n with his head. "Follo w me. Ther e's an office upsta irs wher e we can talk witho ut havin g to shout ." C indy and I leave our drink s and follow him. By the time we

reach a rail stairc ase towar d the back of the bar, I wear the swea t of too many peopl e I've had to brush up again st. Heig htene d sens es may soun d like a turnon, but in some case s they are not. This

is one of them. M y ears ring and, yes, I do have the urge to howl in pain. I climb the stairs . Whe n I reach the top landi ng and walk into a small room, Cindy has alrea dy seate d herse

lf on a black leath er couc h. The room does n't rese mble an office . Ther e's a wet bar and lots of red velve t. A gains t my better judg ment, I step insid e and pull the door close d. Consi derin g

what proba bly takes place on the black leath er couc h, I choo se to stand . Kane is behin d the bar, fixing hims elf a shot of Wild Turke y. " What' s the infor matio n?" I get right to the point. S ippin g his

whisk ey, Kane walks from behin d the bar. He joins Cindy on the couc h. "I was hacki ng aroun d on my comp uter today , did a searc h on you, and some thing intere sting came up." I 'm not impre ssed. "I've

done a vanit y searc h befor e. I'm a top fashi on mode l. Ther e are page s and page s on me." " Yeah , on Lou Kinip ski," he agree s. "No surpri ses there. But I'm not talkin g about Lou Kinip ski;

I'm talkin g about Sherr y Billin gton. " H earin g my real name alway s make s me flinch . I pull myse lf toget her. "You don't think I've looke d? I didn't find anyth ing." H e takes anoth er sip of his whisk

ey, and I think it's rude that he didn't offer me a shot. I could use one after the day I've had. " That' s beca use the avera ge perso n does n't know how to dig," he infor ms me. "It takes

a certai n skill." L ike playi ng air guitar ? I want to ask, but refrai n. I'm in the mood to humo r Kane if it will get the ball rollin g. "Oka y, so what did you find?" P atting the seat next to him,

Kane says, "Join us and I'll tell you." I f I sit on the couc h next to Kane and Cindy , in his deme nted mind, he's going to some how conn ect that to a three some . Hum oring him is gettin g more

diffic ult, but I suck it up and go sit next to him. " Isn't this cozy ?" He glanc es betw een Cindy and me. " I think you got some scale s on me," Cindy mutte rs, starin g down at Kane' s snak eskin

boots . "You do know that a nice pair of leath er work boots woul d be more practi cal?" G ah! Cindy shoul d just go to work for Red Wing. ' "I'm not a work boots kind of guy, babe, " Kane respo nds. He

turns to me. "Didn 't figure you for a work boots kind of girl, either , cupc ake. But I like a wom an who keep s me gues sing." I can't do it. I just can't keep sucki ng up to him. "If you call me 'cupc ake'

one more time you'r e going to find out exact ly what kind of girl I am. Let's just get this over with befor e you make me mad enou gh to pull out your nippl e ring." N ow Kane' s the one who flinch es.

"Fine . While I was doing the searc h on Sherr y Billin gton, I found out some one else was doing a searc h on her, too." T his is some thing new. My imme diate respo nse is to freak out. Whe n one is a murd

erer, never mind being a were wolf, one does n't like surpri ses, or privat e searc hes for ones elf. R ising, Kane head s back to the bar and sets his glass down . I expe ct him to pour hims elf

anoth er but he does n't. Inste ad he leans again st the bar facin g me. "Any idea why a lab out of Neva da woul d be looki ng for you?" A lab? I feel certai n some one woul d like to get me and my scre wedup DNA

under a micro scop e, but mayb e I'm being paran oid. "Coul d one or both of my biolo gical paren ts work for this lab?" " Possi ble," Kane answ ers. "The thing is, if I conta ct them about you, they'r e going to know

you'v e hired me to do some diggi ng aroun d. Som etime s peopl e find out more than they really want to know about them selve s while searc hing for answ ers about their paren tage. Som etime s peopl e

only think they want to know , and once they do, they wish they had left thing s alone . I just want a goahea d from you." M y first gut reacti on, like Kane , is to jump at the chan ce. I woul d if I were norm

al. Mayb e the lab does n't have anyth ing to do with my biolo gical paren ts wanti ng to find the child they gave up for adopt ion. Mayb e the lab is respo nsibl e for what I am. Mayb e my paren ts don't work for the

lab. Mayb e they are in cage s at the lab. Altho ugh Kane askin g for my permi ssion is the first semb lance of profe ssion alism I've seen from him, I'm torn about askin g him to proce ed. And he's going to find

that odd. " Mayb e you shoul d think about this for a coupl e of days, Lou," Cindy says. "May be Mr. Kane is right and you don't really want to know about your biolo gical paren ts." I glan ce at Cindy . I could

kiss her. By expre ssing her opini on, she'll make my respo nse seem more belie vable . "May be." I glanc e back at Kane . "Coul d you just conc entrat e on gettin g the recor ds unse aled for now and let

me think about this devel opme nt with the lab for a while ?" H e straig htens from his leani ng positi on again st the bar. "You' re kiddi ng, right? This is a good, solid lead. You want me to back off befor

e we even get starte d?" S o much for thinki ng he woul dn't find my respo nse odd. "I want to go slow, is what I'm sayin g. I'm still not sure I've made the right decisi on in hiring you in the first place .

Think ing about doing some thing and doing it are two differ ent thing s. Like you said, some times it's best to let sleep ing dogs lie." K ane shak es his head. He does have highli ghts. A little amus ing that

he took my advic e about that. Nothi ng else about the meeti ng is amus ing, or about my day. I keep thinki ng about the hood ed figure on the street corne r. Cindy , not in jeopa rdy of turnin g into a were

wolf or being involv ed in murd ers, and theref ore more ration al, said she thoug ht Shay has made me paran oid. I hope she's right. I'll take being paran oid over being stalk ed any day of the week . " The

lab might have nothi ng to do with your biolo gical paren ts," Kane says. "It's not unus ual for peopl e who adopt a child to have tests run on the baby befor e agree ing to the adopt ion. You know ,

looki ng for possi ble defec ts or medi cal condi tions that might end up costi ng them a lot of mone y? I know it soun ds cruel, but it is done. It could be some thing like that, altho ugh I don't know why they

woul d be looki ng for you now." M aybe to tell me I have a little medi cal condi tion they overl ooke d. Coul d the lab have answ ers for me? "Wha t's the name of the lab?" I ask Kane . I'm thinki ng I can do a

little resea rch on my own witho ut gettin g him involv ed. H e frown s at me. "Whe n some one hires me for a job, they usual ly let me do my job and stay out of it." I 'm about to argue that I

think my mone y entitl es me to any infor matio n I ask for when some one knoc ks on the door. " Morg an, you in there ?" some guy shout s from the other side. K ane walks to the door. "Yea h!"

he shout s back. "I'm in a meeti ng!" " Well, put your pants on. The cops are here askin g about you. Thos e two ladie s I saw follow ing you up here are both over eight een, aren't they? " C indy

and I glanc e at one anoth er. I curl my lip to let her know I'm disgu sted by Kane , and disgu sted that anyo ne woul d belie ve she and I are in here enga ging in sexu al activit y with him. Kane swea rs

and my attent ion swing s back towar d him. " One of my band mem bers got buste d for coke last week . The fucki ng cops have been riding my ass about him. Tryin g to figure out if he was deali ng. Like I

know what all the guys do in their spare time." He takes a calmi ng breat h. "You want to wait aroun d, ladie s?" I 'm off the couc h in a split seco nd. I want no part of Kane' s seed y world of

rock and roll. "No, we don't. Since I'm the one forkin g out the cash, just do what I say. Forg et the lab for now and conc entrat e on gettin g the adopt ion file unse aled." R unnin g a hand throu gh his long

hair, he says, "It's your mone y. I gues s you make enou gh to throw it aroun d. I'm not used to my client s tellin g me how to do my job." I n my case, he'd better get used to it. Cindy and I walk to the door. "Call me

when you have more infor matio n." K ane open s the door and Cindy and I walk out. I don't see whoe ver was shout ing for Kane on the other side. At the end of the railin g, I do catch the silho uette s of

three men. s get close r to the men, one of them looks haunt ingly famili ar. The strob e hits his face and I freez e. It's Terry . What' s he doing here? Follo wing me? I'd belie ve that if his expre ssion were A I

n't every bit as surpri sed at seein g me as I am at seein g him. He move s towar d me. " Lou? What the hell are you doing here? " " What are you doing here? " I shout back. H e glanc es past

me. "You were n't just with Morg an Kane , were you?" N ot that it's really any of his busin ess, but I say, "Yes. Do you have a probl em with that? " " You know him?" " Yes," I answ er

impat iently . "Did you follow me here? " I nstea d of answ ering, he shak es his head. "I don't like this, Lou." S hould I be flatter ed by his rema rk? Isn't it a little early in our nonrelati onshi p for him to be

jealo us? Terry pulls a gun from his shoul der holst er. Now I do freak out. Is he crazy ? " What are you doing ?" " You'll have to come down to the preci nct, Lou. Don't go anyw here. " He starts past me

and I grab his arm. " What are you doing ?" I repea t franti cally. H is buddi es come up behin d him, guns draw n. "We'r e arrest ing Morg an Kane for the murd ers of Sally Prest on and Lisa

Keller ," he answ ers. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 9 M ost wom en find a man in unifo rm irresi stible . They do some thing for me,

too. Like make me naus eous. W hen I was a kid, I want ed to ride in a cop car. Funn y, you never hear adult s say they want to ride in one. Cindy has been haule d in along with Kane and me.

Morg an rode in a differ ent car. He had two cops with him. Cindy and I only rated the one super fine, even thoug h he has basic ally arrest ed me. " I need to pee." C indy and I now sit in a little

room wher e we've been told to stay. We'v e chec ked it out and don't see any twoway mirro rs, so I'm not swea ting bullet s yet. " Did you see what we walke d past comi ng in?" I ask her.

"I'm sure they have publi c restro oms they make peopl e use here. And I mean all peopl e." C rossi ng her legs, Cindy indic ates she can wait. "You' re the reaso n we're here, Lou. You and your murd

ering privat e inves tigato r." W hatev er bad opini ons I hold of Morg an Kane , I can't see him in the role of lady killer. He likes wom en too much . Who ever chew ed up Sally Prest on and Lisa

Keller hates wom en. Besid es, I woul d sens e if Morg an was a killer, or a were wolf. Woul dn't I? " Morg an Kane isn't the man in my night mare s," I tell Cindy , keepi ng my voice to a whisp er in

case the room is bugg ed. " He's not exact ly the man of your drea ms, either ," Cindy whisp ers back. "But he is sexy. " M y head swing s towar d her. "Did you just say you find a man sexy ?"

S he rolls her eyes. "I don't mean that I find him sexy. I just mean I can see wher e the norm al straig ht wom an woul d be attrac ted to him." H ave I miss ed some thing ? "Sex y? He's rude and conc

eited. He's too old to wear his pants that tight or his hair that long. He has a pierc ed nippl e." I shud der to think how much that had to hurt. C indy shrug s. "He plays in a band. That voids out all the other

stuff. Look at Mick Jagg er. He still has wom en chasi ng him at his age." E noug h about Kane' s appe al to wom en, or in my case, the lack there of. What led the cops to belie ve he's a killer

and that I am guilty by asso ciatio n? " I know what they'r e doing ," Cindy says. "The y're weari ng us down . Waiti ng until we're so tired and need to pee so bad we'll confe ss to anyth ing to get

out of this room. " " You watc h too many cop show s. What shoul d I tell Shay about my asso ciatio n with Morg an Kane ?" O bviou sly tired of squir ming, Cindy rises and begin s to pace. "Tell him

the truth. Ther e's nothi ng wron g with hiring a privat e inves tigato r to find your birth paren ts. Norm al peopl e do it every day." I 'm so busy trying to cover up thing s lately I forget some thing

s are norm al and don't have to be lied about . The door open s and Shay steps into the room. He's weari ng a five o'cloc k shad ow that's sexy as hell. I rub my chin to make sure I'm not weari ng one, too.

" Lou, Ms. Emer son, you'r e both free to go now." I was geare d up for serio us quest ionin g. I blink at him. "Wha t about Morg an? Is he free to go, too?" S hay stroll s over and takes Cindy 's

empt y seat. "We just relea sed him," he answ ers. " Why did you arrest him in the first place ?" I ask. T erry rubs his eyes. Poor baby is tired. He need s a wom an at home waitin g for him. I try to pictur

e myse lf as that wom an, but under the circu msta nces, I fail miser ably. " He has a conn ectio n to the case. A little too much of a coinci denc e." " What kind of conn ectio n?" Cindy asks. T erry

glanc es at her and frown s. "This is infor matio n I'm not at libert y to share ." I feel differ ently. "Don' t you think you owe us an expla natio n for hauli ng us down here in the middl e of the night simpl y beca use

we were spea king to Morg an Kane ?" " I'm sorry about that," Terry admit s. "But Lou, you have all this infor matio n about the case, and then I catch you with a susp ect. It didn't look good. " "

What is the conn ectio n?" I repea t. " Erotic a," he answ ers. " What does that mean ?" Cindy asks. " It was the name on the front of Lisa Keller 's shirt the night she was murd ered, " I answ

er. " It's also the name of Morg an Kane' s band, " Terry suppl ies. I hadn 't cared enou gh about Kane' s musi cal caree r to ask him the name of his band. "I take it she was a fan?" "

More like a group ie from what we've heard ," Shay answ ers. "Turn s out she's slept with every one in the band exce pt Kane . He says he does n't know her, might have seen her in the crow d, but wasn' t awar e that

she's dead. I gues s he does n't have time to read the paper s." A lthou gh I see why Kane woul d be a susp ect, I can't figure out why Shay woul d storm the beac hes like he did unles s there

was more than an asso ciatio n betw een the PI and Lisa Keller . Not unles s " He knew Sally Prest on, too, didn't he?" S hay glanc es towar d Cindy . I know he does n't feel as if she shoul

d be inclu ded, but he answ ers, " She was a client of his a few years back. Want ed him to finger her exhusb and for cheat ing on her so she could take him to the bank durin g the divor ce proce

eding s. Kane got the infor matio n she want ed. Durin g our interv iew with the ex, Kane' s name came up. We figure d there was bad blood betw een the guy and Kane and didn't find any reaso n to be

suspi cious of Kane at the time, at least not until we had anoth er conn ectio n betw een him and both case s." " What about the ex?" Cindy now sits on the edge of a table corne r. She looks at

home in her surro undin gs. "Stati stics prove that in most murd ers, the victim knew the murd erer. It's usual ly an ex some thing. " T erry gives Cindy an "it's not your busin ess" glanc e and turns to me. "Kan

e said you'r e a client of his. He said you hired him to find your birth paren ts. Is that right? And you appro ache d him, he didn't appro ach you?" W atchi ng too much Court TV with Cindy pays off. I

see wher e Terry' s going with his line of quest ionin g. He want s to make certai n Morg an didn't conta ct me as part of his killer sex game s. "I conta cted him," I assur e him. "A friend of mine reco

mme nded him." W rinkli ng his foreh ead, he asks, "Can' t you find them on your own? I mean , you'r e psyc hic, right? " C indy come s to my rescu e on this one. "Most psyc hics don't seem to

have an ability wher e their own lives are conc erned , just other s'. Lou's tried to get a fix on her birth paren ts. Nothi ng. She draw s a blank ." I 'm not sure what Cindy said is true, but I know for a

fact that Terry Shay woul dn't know if it is or isn't. I doubt he's done much resea rch on the subje ct. H e rises witho ut com menti ng. "Mor gan Kane had alibis for both night s the murd ers took place

. We chec ked them out befor e we let him go. Can I give you ladie s a ride to your car?" N o wond er we've been sittin g here so long. Dam n Kane . I'll have bags under my eyes for tomor row's

shoot . I've had enou gh of the boys in blue for one night. I start to tell Shay we'll call a cab but Cindy pipes up. " We don't have a car. You can drive us home , thoug h." " Sure, " Terry says and walks

towar d the door. "Let's go." A few minut es later I climb into Terry' s restor ed El Cami no. I've never been able to figure the love conn ectio n betw een men and El Cami nos. They' re ugly. Not really a car,

not really a truck. The car is black with darktinted wind ows. It also only has one benc h seat so I'm sque ezed betw een Cindy and Terry . A t three in the morni ng, traffic is fairly light. Conv ersati

on is nil. Cindy 's nodd ed off, her head restin g again st the wind ow. " So, you'r e adopt ed." I imm ediat ely start to panic over the quest ion but reme mber there is no crime in being adopt ed.

"Yes. " " I've alway s been curio us why peopl e who are adopt ed feel comp elled to find their birth paren ts. Most of them have been raise d in a good home with lovin g adopt ive paren ts. It seem

s sort of disre spect ful of the peopl e who raise d them. " T he Billin gtons were n't exact ly lovin g. They were more indiff erent, which was wors e than if they' d flatout dislik ed me. I'm not

sure if under differ ent circu msta nces, I woul d feel so move d to find my biolo gical paren ts but then again , I proba bly woul d still be looki ng for them. I need a deep er conn ectio n with "famil

y." " Most peopl e who aren't adopt ed woul dn't under stand the need to conn ect," I com ment. "And I'm sure there are many adopt ed peopl e who aren't comp elled to find their actua l birth paren ts. Peopl

e who, like you said, feel it woul d be disre spect ful to their lovin g adopt ive paren ts." " Your paren ts must have been looke rs," he says, and in the flimsy glow from a traffic light, I see him smile . I

've never really thoug ht about what my biolo gical paren ts might have looke d like. I've been too focus ed on their DNA. His folks must be looke rs, too. But some times that is not the case. I've seen two relati

vely plain peopl e produ ce a beaut iful child. " Do you rese mble your father ?" H e laugh s. "No, thank God. I look more like my uncle Ned. Dad tease s Mom about it all the time. Says she got a little

too friend ly with the famil y while he was worki ng the night beat. " I love these perso nal glimp ses into Shay' s life. A life so differ ent from the one I had, or have. I'd love to be norm al like he is.

But I'm not, so I jab Cindy a little to wake her up. " Are we home ?" she mum bles. " Almo st," Shay answ ers. "You seem to know a lot about polic e proce dure, Ms. Emer son." " She watc

hes too many polic e show s," I infor m him. " I've thoug ht about joinin g the force, " Cindy admit s, stiflin g a yawn . T his is news to me. I thoug ht Cindy had her heart set on const ructio n. I

turn to her. "You have ?" " Yeah . Back up plan if I never get hired on for const ructio n work. I've tried, you know , three times and every one just looks at my scra wny body and laugh s me out of the

place . Mayb e you don't have to be as stron g to be a cop." " The job does requir e physi cal qualif icatio ns," Terry tells her. "Roo kie traini ng is grueli ng. You'd have to work out to get throu gh the acad

emy." I offer what I know about the subje ct. "You' d have to build up your arm musc les so you can lift doug hnuts all day." S hay turns his head towar d me. "Do I look like I eat doug hnuts all

day?" I 'm tempt ed to ask if I can feel his abs befor e I answ er. He has a point. I'm sure I have just as many preco nceiv ed notio ns about polic emen as he does about mode ls. " Lou could proba bly be a

cop," Cindy grum bles. "She likes doug hnuts and she's freaki shly stron g." T erry laugh s. "Lou does n't look like she eats many doug hnuts , and what are you?" He glanc es at me again . "A hundr ed poun ds

soaki ng wet?" T his is wher e I'm supp osed to put on the meek act and prete nd I'm a helpl ess, brainl ess femal e for his benef it. I'm not in the mood . "Look s can be decei ving," I quote Morg an Kane and a

zillion other peopl e who'v e said that. "I can proba bly take you down ." A t least he does n't laugh . He turns to me and says, "Tou gh girl, huh? Mayb e you want to arm wrest le some time? " H

e's teasi ng. I'm tempt ed to say we shoul d tongu e wrest le inste ad. I say nothi ng. Terry pulls up in front of our buildi ng a few minut es later. " Lou, befor e we go, you shoul d tell Terry about what happ

ened today . Abou t you thinki ng that man was follow ing you." I coul d kill Cindy and her big mout h. Since I can't do that, I elbo w her in the ribs. She make s an "oof" soun d. " What man? " F

un and game s are over. Shay snap s back into cop mode so fast it make s my head spin. I've nearl y convi nced myse lf what happ ened today wasn' t real. Neith er the perce ived threat nor my reacti on to it. I'm more

conc erned about the reacti on. I can't just go turnin g wolfy any time my body decid es that's what it shoul d do. The possi bility scare s me to death . Much more than the thoug ht of being stalk ed. " It

was nothi ng," I say. " You thoug ht it was some thing earlie r," Cindy remin ds me. "You were scare d, Lou." She leans acros s me to look at Shay. "Lou was scare d, and she's not usual ly afraid of anyth

ing." " Let's just go in," I grind throu gh my teeth. "I'm sure Terry is tired and woul d like to go home ." " I'm not that tired, " he assur es me. "Cind y, could I spea k to Lou alone ?" O h,

great. Me and hunk alicio us alone in an El Cami no. Bring on the chea p booz e and some count ry musi c. Mayb e we can just make out inste ad of talkin g. I don't see that happ ening . I give Cindy a

dirty look. She just smile s. " See you upsta irs, Lou." She open s the door and climb s out. Terry does n't say anyth ing until she's safel y insid e the buildi ng, then he turns to me. " A man was

follow ing you today ? Whe n?" I pull my hair over my shoul der and twist my ponyt ail, a nervo us habit I've had for as long as I reme mber. "It was after you left me. I thoug ht you were watc hing

me, but when I turne d to look, there was a man stand ing on the corne r starin g at me." " What' d he look like?" T his is wher e I soun d stupi d. "I don't know . He wore a hood ed swea tshirt

and I could n't see his face." P ause. I know the quest ion befor e Terry asks it. " So, if you could n't see his face, how do you know he was watc hing you?" S ince I can't tell him my were

wolf radar went off, I answ er, "I sens ed dang er from the man. It's some thing we psyc hics do." T erry leans back again st the seat and sighs . "Oh," is his only respo nse. H is reacti on shoul d pleas

e me. It wasn' t some thing I want ed to discu ss with him anyw ay. Rega rdles s of the infor matio n Terry share d with me earlie r today , he's basic ally still a nonb eliev er in psyc hics or thing s that

go bump in the night unles s they have a logic al expla natio n. If I really am some how conn ected to the crime s, and I must be or I woul dn't drea m about them, he need s to trust me. " You have trust

issue s," I say. " I have a job wher e I get shot at some times . I have a job wher e peopl e lie to me daily. It's hard to trust peopl e." " Well, it's also hard to get chum my with a man who arrest

ed me earlie r." H is head swing s towar d me. "You feel like gettin g chum my, Lou? " I ronic ally, I do. Is it the natur e of the beast in all wom en to be auto matic ally attrac ted to men we know can

prote ct us? I heard that on a talk show one time. Inbor n instin ct. "I'd think you woul dn't be intere sted in gettin g chum my with a girl you susp ect is conn ected to murd ers and is crazy on top of

that." " You forgot to menti on gay," he says sarca sticall y. "You are a puzzl e, Kinip ski." I gues s we're back to last name s. I also think it's time to convi nce Shay I'm not intere sted in sexu

al relati ons with wom en. That' s basic ally the only confu sing issue for him I can clear up witho ut diggi ng myse lf into a deep er mess . I could go into a long spiel about this, but Shay' s face

is close to mine. W e're alone in a car at a time of night when nobo dy's brain cells are in full throttl e. I'm still a little stung by the thoug ht that he might not want to kiss me. I may be turnin g into a

were wolf again , but I am still one hundr ed perce nt kissa ble. I lean over and lay one on Dete ctive Terry Shay, NYP D.

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 0 I have n't been to churc h since I was a kid. C indy and I used to pass notes to one anot her

d uring her fathe r's fire and brims tone serm ons. I neve r quest ioned my right to be unde r G od's roof back then. I quest ion it now. T he churc h Stefa n has chos en for the shoot

looks like some thing out of an old gothi c roma nce novel . Crum bling stone walls, lots of arche s. The only thing s missi ng when we drove up were the gargo yles and the halfnake d man and

wom an clutc hing each other. The dress ing room does n't have a roof. Ther e are about a hundr ed pigeo ns overh ead just waitin g to poop on my Henr y Roth bridal gown . Wors e than the dark

circle s under my eyes is the corse tstyle waistl ine on the dress that has me cinch ed down to about eight een inche s. If I had enou gh air in my lungs , I'd comp lain. " One round of conc ealer under those

eyes is not going to cut it," Cindy says, make up kit in hand. Cindy has no room to talk. She looks as bad as I do. But Cindy isn't posin g for the cover of Bride maga zine today . I lean forwa rd for Cindy , trying

to keep my white gown pristi ne in a place that is dusty and mold y and just plain creep y. " No," Stefa n calls from an arche d door way. "Leav e her eyes alone . She looks very Goth with those dark circle

s. The ringle ts look great, too." I t took the hairdr esser over an hour to give me all these ringle ts. Scarl ett O'Ha ra has nothi ng on me. "You do know I can't breat he in this thing ?" I ask him,

indic ating my freaki shly small waist. S tefan lifts his came ra and takes a coupl e of shots . "You don't have to breat he; you just have to look beaut iful for the came ra. Bride smai ds, lift Lou's

dress so it does n't get dirty." M y bride smai ds are Kare n and a mode l name d Rach el. Both are dress ed in red gown s that look more like hook er wear than bride smai d dress es. Kare n

kneel s befor e me, grabb ing one end of the hem. Rach el move s behin d me and grabs the short train. " This way to the altar, ladie s," Stefa n calls, turnin g to lead us into furthe r deca y and dang er

from a colla psing buildi ng. S tefan and I lack our usual chem istry today . Is he sulkin g beca use I woul dn't let him take me home from the cafe? Or has one hot kiss in Terry' s El Cami no turne

d my head ? That kiss was a surpri se for both of us. Him beca use he wasn' t expe cting it, me beca use I wasn' t expe cting it to be that good. Ther e was a lot of tongu e actio n, but not the "stick

it down your throat , gag you" kind of actio n. Ther e was also a little gropi ng. Terry' s sixpack is as hard as steel. Despi te my inabili ty to breat he, I mana ge a sigh. " Why do you have that sapp y

look on your face today ?" I glan ce down at Kare n. She's in a halfcrouc h positi on, holdi ng the front of my dress while we follow Stefa n. I realiz e the corne rs of my lips are turne d up as if I might

smile . It dawn s on me that I consi der smilin g worki ng and theref ore hardl y do it unles s I'm gettin g paid. How sad is that? " No reaso n," I answ er. "I'm just in a good mood ." " Wish I

could be in a good mood after only three hours of sleep ," Cindy grum bles. "Cou rse I wasn' t sittin g in front of our buildi ng maki ng out with Offic er Good Body. " K aren nearl y trips over the hem

of her own gown . "Wha t? You and Shay ? Spill it, girl. Every dirty detail ." " Spill it on some one else's time," Stefa n says, loomi ng up befor e us like a priso n guard . He takes my arm and steer s me

towar d a make shift altar. I'm sure Bride maga zine will appre ciate the dead flowe rs he has strew n every wher e. This setup looks more like a funer al than a wedd ing. But Stefa n does n't like to have

his artisti c eye quest ioned . " Did you really go out with that cave man? " S tefan leans close , adjus ting the veil on my head. Unlik e Terry with his Brut afters have mixe d with axlegreas

e scent , Stefa n wear s the three hundr eddollar -anounc e stuff. And it's worth every penn y. He smell s better than most wom en. " He's not a cave man, and no, I didn't really go out with him.

He gave me a ride home from some wher e. Not that it's any of your busin ess," I add. F ussin g with the nettin g of my gown , he says, "I don't see him as your type. I thoug ht you'd go for some

one more sophi sticat ed." I can't get the kiss out of my head. The kiss alone was close to orgas mic and I have to wond er now what the sex woul d be like. In fact, inste ad of sleep ing when I got home

, I thoug ht about that kiss and sex for the rest of the night. I supp ose it's wron g to consi der bangi ng a man who does n't trust me. R ecalli ng that Stefa n is spoili ng for a fight, I say, "I thoug

ht you liked Terry ." H e make s a snorti ng noise . "Why woul d you think that? " I shru g and my boob s nearl y pop out of the top of the gown . "Athl etic build. Broa d shoul ders. He soun

ds more like your type than mine. " K aren burst into laugh ter. "Goo d one, Lou." S tefan is clearl y not amus ed. He frown s at me. "Let's get to work, ladie s." W e use natur al light today which mean

s we don't have a crew. Abov e me, half the roof is missi ng and sunli ght strea ms down like an eerie mist. Despi te the weak light filteri ng in, it's damn cold. Stefa n set sever al porta ble heate rs aroun d the

shoot area, but they only gener ate enou gh heat to keep our breat hs from foggi ng the air. H e stand s back and studi es us throu gh his came ra lens. "Kare n, take one step close r to Lou.

Rach el, your positi on is fine, but you need to turn more towar d Lou. She is the bride and the focal point of the pictur e." " What' s new," Rach el comp lains, but turns towar d me. A girl who could once

easily blend in with the wall does n't mind being the cente r of attent ion. I also don't mind the petty jealo usies that arise from me havin g that positi on. " Toda y, ladie s, we're going for innoc ence, " Stefa

n anno unce s. "I know it's a stretc h for all of you, but give it a shot." I glan ce down at my sluttis h gown . "You' ve got to be kiddi ng. Rip the skirt off this dress and I'd be stand ing here in a corse

t and garte rs. From the altar to the bedro om in one easy tug." " I know ," Stefa n agree s, "but I want these shots to be about contr asts. Shad ow and light. Innoc ence and deba ucher y. Give me your angel

look, Lou." D ebau chery ? Does anyo ne in the twent y-first centu ry really use that word ? Angel look? To my knowl edge, I don't have one. Sex sells every thing and Stefa n is usual ly eggin g me on with

the dirty talk to get "sultr y" from me. I have to dig deep to find innoc ence. O ddly enou gh, I find it in churc h. Not this one. Have n Bapti st Chur ch, sittin g next to my best friend , Cindy , antici

patin g the fried chick en her moth er will serve for Sund ay dinne r. The Billin gtons didn't do churc h, but they never mind ed if I want ed to tag along with Cindy . I n those days, I didn't yet know that I was

a geek and soon woul d be label ed one from the sixth grade on. I didn't know I woul d some day beco me a super mode l, or a were wolf, or a murd erer. In those days, my only worry was how Cindy and I woul

d pass a lazy Sund ay aftern oon. T he cold rays pouri ng in from the missi ng ceilin g warm me; either that, or the mem ory of innoc ence. Of bless ed ignor ance. I lift my gaze heav enwa rd and wond

er if God even recog nizes me now. The shutt er spee d of Stefa n's came ra tries to penet rate my cons cious ness, but I'm not ready to come back from that time long ago, from being a norm al little

girl with norm al hope s and norm al drea ms. But I do come back. Abru ptly. P eace fades and the smell of dust and milde w is repla ced with the scent of him. My gaze scan s the crum bling balco ny

overh ead. Bene ath the Scarl ett O'Ha ra ringle ts, the fine hairs at the back of my neck bristl e. My gums ache. My finger tips sting. Like the time I sens ed him watc hing me from the corne r, my body prepa res to

fight. I have no contr ol, and I realiz e that at any mom ent, my friend s will see that I am a freak of natur e. M y body I cann ot contr ol, but my stand ing amon g my friend s, I can. I have no

choic e but to run. Boltin g from my positi on at the altar, I make it down two steps befor e Stefa n asks, "Lou, wher e the hell are you going ?" M y finger tips sting so badly I glanc e down

and expe ct to see claws . Inste ad I see the bouq uet of dead flowe rs in my hand s. I toss it over my shoul der and rush ahea d. " I need to go to the bathr oom! " I yell behin d me. O nly slightl

y better than Stefa n findin g out I'm beco ming a were wolf is Stefa n belie ving I have irritab le bowe l syndr ome. It can't be helpe d. I race ahea d until I realiz e I'm not head ed for the exit of the

churc h, but deep er into its crum bling confi nes. P anick ed, I stop to get my beari ngs. To my right, more arche s, darke r beca use the roof is still intact . To the left, same scen ario. Strai ght ahea d,

dead end. Behin d me him. I know he's there. V eerin g to the left, I race down a dark hallw ay. I may be runni ng to esca pe him, my natur al instin cts kickin g in, but I'm also runni ng to lead him away

from Stefa n, Kare n, Cindy , and Rach el. I've seen what this creep can do in my drea ms. I paus e to catch my breat h in a dress that isn't made for breat hing. The door I lean again st creak s open with

my weig ht. A must y base ment smell wafts upwa rd to me. This is the part in the scary movi e wher e every one boos the bigboob ed blond e for going down into a dark base ment alone . My boob s aren't that

big and I'm a brune tte. M y shoe s slip on the damp stone s of the stairs . I kick them off. I get about halfw ay down when the door abov e creak s. Stum bling down the rest of the stairs , I press my

body up again st a wall. The base ment is full of boxe s and junk. It's pitchblack but I have unus ually good eyesi ght in the dark. I can make out shap es, but not detail s. Ther e's a stack of boxe s in front of me

and I dart away from the wall and positi on myse lf behin d them. H oldin g my breat h is easy beca use the damn bridal gown is cinch ed up so tight. I do hear breat hing loud and errati c. My fangs cut

into the botto m corne rs of my mout h. The claws juttin g from my finger tips shred the net skirti ng of my gown . " Lou? " T he air in my lungs explo des out of my mout h. "Cind y, what the

hell are you doing down here? " " Wher e are you? I can't see a thing. " M y heart ham mers insid e of my chest . I take as many calmi ng breat hs as the dress will allow. "I'm over here, behin d

some boxe s." " Why? And why did you run away like that? Stefa n sent me after you." " It's happ ening again ," I say breat hlessl y. "He's here, Cindy . I sens e him. He's the one who sets me

off. He's the trigge r." " Huh? " she respo nds. "Who ?" I don't have time to expla in. I'd shak e Cindy if I were n't afraid my claws woul d cut her. "Ever yone is in serio us dang er! Find the other s,

say I'm sick and they need to pack up in a hurry. Tell them I'll meet them at the cars." " Huh? " Cindy echo es again . "I have troubl e under stand ing you. You'r e lispin g." I 'm lispin g beca

use of the fangs . "Just get every one out! Hurry !" T he panic in my voice obvio usly spurs Cindy into actio n. She know s this is an "act now ask quest ions later" situat ion. "I'll get them out, but Stefa n

isn't going to like havin g his shoot interr upted ." " I think he'd like being dead less!" " Crap ola," Cindy whisp ers. A seco nd later she darts towar d the stairs . She's halfw ay up when she turns and asks,

"Wha t about you, Lou? Are you going to be all right? " " I just need a mom ent to get myse lf back under contr ol, then we're gettin g the hell out of here. Don't worry about me. I stand a better chan ce again

st this thing than anyo ne else." I 'm not one hundr ed perce nt sure what I've just claim ed is true. I have to assu me it is since I woul dn't be weari ng the fangs and claws other wise. " Be

caref ul!" " Go!" I urge. Than kfully, she does. I stand still, trying to bring my fear and panic under contr ol. That' s when it dawn s on me that I just sent my best friend off alone while a killer were wolf

is roami ng the premi ses. I bolt for the stairs . Fang s and claws or not, I have to make certai n every one else is safe. I'm nearl y there when a noise stops me. It's a slight shuffl ing soun d. Like

a rat. Only a very big rat. " Who' s there ?" I whisp er. I know it was a dumb quest ion. Like a rat, or the thing stalki ng me is going to answ er. I decid e if I'm going to be stupi d I might as well be brave

. "Com e out," I dema nd. "Sho w yours elf." S ilenc e. I 'm being paran oid. The murd erer could n't be down here with me unles s there' s anoth er entra nce to the base ment. I've about convi

nced myse lf I imagi ned the shuffl ing noise when very low, very soft, a laugh floats to me from the darkn ess. The soun d is distor ted, like the soun d a mons ter woul d make if it were trying to be huma n. It

raise s the hair at the back of my neck again . I break out in a cold swea t. I coul d stay and confr ont him, but besid es the fact I am scare d shitle ss at the mom ent, if this creep kills me, Cindy and

the other s will come looki ng for me and he's going to kill them, too. I've got to make a run for it. I make a dash towar d the steps . Som ethin g lashe s out in the darkn ess. Ther e's a sharp sting in my arm but I twist

away and keep runni ng. I boun d up the stairs with super huma n spee d and head out the door, runni ng down the corrid or a mom ent later. I f only I could have run this fast as a kid. I'd have been a

track star. Inste ad, I could barel y walk and chew gum at the same time. Is runni ng with fangs as dang erous as runni ng with sciss ors? N o time to worry over that. I move so fast I'll reach Stefa n and

the other s at any mom ent. What am I going to do about the fangs ? Sudd enly, I reme mber my veil. The comb s have dug into my scalp since Kare n helpe d me put it on, so I don't know how I forgot about

it. I reach behin d me and flip the first layer over my face. I skid to a halt in the chap el. It's deser ted. Ther e are no dead bodie s or blood . Good . This time I know the direct ion to go to get out. The linger

ing scent of Stefa n's expe nsive colog ne guide s me. Whe n I stum ble outsi de and down the crum bling steps of the churc h, I spot Kare n, Rach el, and Cindy loade d up in Kare n's car. Stefa n stand

s besid e his Porsc he. " Lou!" he shout s. "Wha t's going on?" " We'v e got to get out of here! " Whe n I head towar d Kare n's car, Stefa n interc epts me. " Your arm is bleed ing, Lou. What

the hell happ ened in there ?" F ear dulls pain. I'd almo st forgot ten about the scrat ch I recei ved in the base ment. I glanc e down . Blood drips from ugly scrat ches on my arm. " It's nothi

ng," I tell him. "Let's go." O nly after I have spok en do I realiz e that Cindy is right. I have a lisp when I have fangs . Stefa n's too distra cted by the blood and the scrat ches to notic e. " You

need emer genc y care, Lou. Get in my car." H e does n't allow me a choic e. Stefa n open s the pass enger side door and shov es me and my ruine d desig ner wedd ing gown into his car. He

climb s in the other side, looks at my bleed ing arm again , reach es down , and tears a strip of nettin g off my gown . "Wra p this aroun d your arm," he instru cts. I won der if he's worri ed about my

arm or worri ed about his car. Now is not a good time to ask. "Pun ch it, will you? Let's get out of here. " Just in case he is more worri ed about his car than about me, I add, "I feel like I'm going to puke

again ." T hat gets him movi ng. Stefa n pops the clutc h and peels out. He does a doug hnut and we're on Kare n's tail in a split seco nd. He honk s and she spee ds up. In the side mirro r,

throu gh a filmy haze and dust, I watc h the churc h beco me small er. I expe ct some hideo us halfman/ halfwolf creat ure to come out of the churc h, boun d down the steps , and chas e after us. "

Wher e's the neare st hospi tal?" Stefa n asks. I 'm not about to go to a hospi tal. "The scrat ches aren't that deep, " I say. "I'd rathe r go home so I can puke in priva cy." " You aren't going to puke

now, are you?" S tefan' s as white as my wedd ing gown once was. "I might ," I say, just to be cruel. "My apart ment is close r than any hospi tal; I sugg est you get me there, quickl y." A fter only a

mom ent of delib eratio n, Stefa n shifts into third and hits it hard. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 1 S ome days start out shitty and get

progr essiv ely wors e. I sit on the toilet and stare at my dirty feet. I'm supp osed to be in my bathr oom pukin g. Stefa n sits on the bed in my room. Shoul d I make pukin g noise s? As many mode

ls as he's work ed aroun d, Stefa n shoul d be used to that soun d. I don't feel like prete ndpukin g, so I rise and walk to the mirro r. M y fangs have now retrac ted. The claws are gone, as well. I'd

say I look norm al, but that's not the case. I still look a little like Scarl ett O'Ha ra after the fire destr oyed Tara. " I'm takin g a show er!" I shout throu gh the door. "Why don't you go home ? I'm feelin

g better now." " Not until I get a look at that arm!" Stefa n shout s back. "I want to make sure you don't need stitch es." W ith my super heali ng powe rs, the arm alrea dy looks better . But Stefa

n isn't going to take my word for it. I turn on the show er and literal ly rip the ruine d wedd ing dress off. I leave the gown in a dirty heap on the bathr oom floor, slide out of my panti es, and step into

the show er. T he warm spray feels wond erful and I soap myse lf with show er gel. I use an expe nsive sham poo that has a wond erful fruity fragr ance. Even so, it won't cover the wetdog smell until my hair dries.

Once I step out, I wrap my drippi ng hair in a thick towel , dry off, and grab my terrycloth robe from a peg on the back of the bathr oom door. I take a deep breat h and open the door. T hroug h a stea my haze

I see Stefa n sittin g on my bed. For a mom ent, I allow myse lf to imagi ne he's waitin g for me. Okay , he is waitin g for me, but I imagi ne he's waitin g for me to come to bed. I join him. " See, I'm fine now.

You can go." S tefan scruti nizes me. He lifts a hand and feels my foreh ead. "No fever. Are you going to expla in what happ ened at the churc h?" N ot in a millio n years . "I must have eaten some thing

last night that didn't agree with me. Sudd enly, I had to puke. I ran off in searc h of a bathr oom, a hole in the groun d, anyth ing. Then I got lost and it was dark deep er insid e the churc h. I scrat ched my arm on

some thing while trying to feel my way aroun d." B oy, talk about killing a man' s sexu al intere st in me. I'd alrea dy expla ined in the car that the reaso n for the veil was to hide the vomit on

my face. The sacrif ices I make to save my friend s. " Let's take a look at that arm," Stefa n remin ds me. I try to push the sleev e of my robe up, but the scrat ches are at the top of my arm.

"Turn your head, " I say. S tefan smile s. "Do you really think you have anyth ing I have n't seen befor e? In fact, I've seen most all of you." " We'r e not at work, " I insist. "Whe n we're at work, you'r e

supp osed to be like a docto r. You'r e not supp osed to notic e thing s like boob s that fall out of outfit s or thing s you can see throu gh." H is smile stretc hes. "I'll try to reme mber that." Stefa n sighs and turns

so he's facin g the oppo site direct ion on the bed. I scra mble out of the top of my robe, expo sing only one shoul der and the arm in quest ion. The scrat ch mark s have faded . " See, all better

." H e turns and looks at my arm. "That was a lot of blood for those shall ow scrat ches. " " I'm a bleed er," I expla in. Ugh, is there no end to the icky stuff I must admit to in order to fool this man?

"I told you it wasn' t serio us." S tefan glanc es past me into the bathr oom, frown ing at the wadd ed, dirty gown on the floor. " Oh, it's serio us," he assur es me. "Do you have any idea how much

that dress costs ? Not to menti on the shoe s you seem to have mispl aced some wher e in the churc h." I am now soon to own a ruine d sluttis h bridal gown and a pair of none xiste nt shoe s. I'll

put them in the close t along side my red sex shoe s with the gum on the botto m. "I'll have my agen cy handl e it." R eachi ng out, Stefa n runs a finger over the scrat ches. "I never mean t for

you to get hurt. Som etime s my artisti c eye outw eighs my com mon sens e. Truth is, none of us shoul d have been in that churc h today . The place has been cond emne d." I t occur s to me to wond er

how the killer knew I'd be in the churc h. He must be watc hing me. Follo wing me. It sudd enly dawn s on me that he's proba bly been watc hing me for six mont hs. He's the reaso n for the outbr eaks. I respo

nd to some stimu li when he's aroun d. And I realiz e he could have easily been aroun d me for six mont hs witho ut me knowi ng. He can look huma n, just like I can, right? " Hey, cover up, beaut iful. I don't want

you catch ing a cold on top of every thing else." S tefan interr upts my thoug hts. I very much need to hear I'm beaut iful at the mom ent. Consi derin g the fangs and claws , I also need to feel huma n. Mayb e I

shoul d kiss Stefa n to feel huma n. I've want ed to kiss him for six years . Hell, I hardl y know Terry Shay and I kisse d him. But I don't have to work with Terry . How woul d Stefa n's kiss comp are? "

Lou? Are you here? " C indy. Than k God she has horrib le timin g. " In here, " I call. E ven thoug h Cindy is short and skinn y, she soun ds like an eleph ant tromp ing throu gh

my apart ment. She appe ars at my bedro om door a mom ent later. Her eyes wide n upon seein g Stefa n perch ed besid e me on the bed. " I thoug ht you were takin g Lou to the emer genc y

room, and inste ad I come home to find you maki ng a move on her." " I'm not maki ng a move ," Stefa n says, rising from the bed. He winks at me. "At least not now." C indy clonk s past him

and sits besid e me. "Are you okay, Lou? " " I'm fine," I assur e her. "It was just a few scrat ches. " S he's dying to ask me every thing that happ ened in the churc h. Of cours e she can't while Stefa n is

still in the room. "You can go now, Stefa n," she says. "I'll take it from here. " N ot used to follow ing order s from a lacke y, Stefa n lifts a brow. "May be Lou woul d prefe r me to take

care of her. I can fix soup. " V ery cleve r. Pittin g me again st my best friend . Not cleve r enou gh. "But will you hold my hair back for me if I need to puke again ?" H e flinch es, then

tries to act like he didn't by flexin g his shoul ders and rubbi ng the back of his neck. "May be you'd be more comf ortabl e with Cindy takin g care of you." " I thoug ht so," Cindy mutte rs. "Com e on,

lover boy. I'll show you out." C indy rises and move s towar d the door. "Get better ," Stefa n mout hs to me befor e allowi ng her to show him out. I close my eyes and allow myse lf the peac e of being alone

with the linger ing scent of Stefa n's expe nsive colog ne. I'll have to tell Cindy what happ ened, what I think has been happ ening for the past six mont hs. I hope Stefa n's colog ne is stron g enou gh to hang

aroun d until bedti me. Mayb e I'll have good drea ms. H e wear s a mask . His eyes glow red from two dark holes . A snout protr udes from his face. His mout h is open , white point ed teeth

glea ming in the night. A bove me, the moo nlight casts his hairy silho uette in silver light. I want to screa m but my voice is trapp ed insid e of my throa t. This cann ot be real. It must be a drea

m. Yes, a drea m. And I am once again an unwil ling witne ss to his killin g. O n the grou nd, huddl ed and shaki ng, lies his victi m. Her fear is thick in the air, a fog that cloud s her mind and

robs her of the abilit y to run, to fight, to do anyth ing but wait for his attac k. She is a gazel le pitted again st a lion. Her body has alrea dy surre nder ed to deat h. F ight, I want to shout .

Scre am. Do some thing! I am helpl ess to prote ct her. The realiz ation knots my stom ach and force s hot bile up in my throa t. I am in hell. A silent witne ss to a crime . Ther e's nothi ng I can do

but watc h. Or is there ? I glan ce arou nd. Leafl ess trees . Dead grass . In the dista nce, a short , long shap e. I squin t towar d the objec t. It's a benc h. A park ? To the right, the shap e of

a castl e. Belv eder e Castl e. I'm in Centr al Park! W ake up! I shout insid e my brain . Wak e up! W ith a start, I sit up, climbi ng my way out of one world and back into anoth er. My alarm clock

glare s the numb ers 2:00 A.M. in bright red. A drea m. Then I reme mber what I must do. I scra mble acros s the tousl ed cover s and reach for a card. My hand s shak e as I dial a numb er my mind has unco

nscio usly com mitte d to mem ory. T he phon e rings four times befor e he answ ers. "Yea h," is his respo nse. " He's in Centr al Park, " I rasp. "Get some one there. Now! " " Lou? " " Hurry

, Terry !" I hang up. Heart poun ding, cover ed in swea t, I esca pe the sheet s twiste d aroun d my legs. I sudd enly feel helpl ess again . What if Terry goes back to sleep ? What if he does

n't do anyth ing? Centr al Park is five block s from my apart ment. Five long block s. I'll need runni ng shoe s. A ll the sport swea r ads I've done in the past have paid off. I slip into limegreen joggi ng suit, comp

lete with matc hing jacke t, throw my hair into a ponyt ail, slip into Nikes , and follow their sloga n, "Just Do It." I don't allow myse lf time to think. I'm out the door, down the eleva tor, and runni ng past

Ralp h, the night door man, befor e he can rouse hims elf to ask what I'm doing or grab the door for me. N o holdi ng back. Anyo ne on the street s this time of night is either high or drunk , and I kick it into

super spee d mode as I run. I've gone two block s befor e I realiz e I'm carryi ng my heav y beaut y bag. Som e habit s die hard. No time to chast ise myse lf for doing some thing that slows me down

. But even slowe d down , I'm damn fast. I hear the siren s about block four. Siren s go off all over the city at all hours of the day and night so I don't panic , at least not until I hit the outer edge of the park and

see cop cars and an ambu lance . The actio n is about a quart er of a mile off. M y anim al instin cts tell me I'm too late, but my huma n spirit clings to hope. A small crow d has gathe red.

The junki es and party goers out this late are being kept back from the scen e by yello w crime tape and a coupl e of hardfaced polic e office rs. I nudg e my way throu gh the small group . Ahea d, a wom

an sits next to the ambu lance , wrap ped in a wool blank et. Shay is with her. My sens e of relief is so stron g my knee s nearl y buckl e. Tears sting my eyes. She's alive. Terry belie ved me. I f I

close my eyes, if I listen , I can hear what Terry says to the wom an. "And you didn't see his face? " T he wom an's tremb ling voice answ ers, "No, he was weari ng a mask ." " A wolf mask ,

right? " I see that mask clearl y in my mind. Hide ous. Like some thing out of a night mare. The only thing more fright ening than the mask is knowi ng that it wasn' t one. " And he came out of nowh ere? Just

attac ked you?" S obbin g, the wom an answ ers, "My boyfri end was flirtin g with anoth er girl at the party. I got mad and left, decid ed to walk home . I cut throu gh the park beca use it was short er. He was just

there. " M ore sobbi ng. I open my eyes and see Terry with his arm aroun d the wom an. He motio ns to a para medi c and she joins them. After spea king briefl y to the para medi c, Shay rises from his

bent positi on. He glanc es aroun d the area. That' s when he spots me. He imme diatel y head s in my direct ion. Whe n he reach es the yello w tape, he lifts it. " Com e with me," he says. B

endin g, I duck under the tape. I now see the wom an being helpe d into the ambu lance . "Is she hurt? " T erry shak es his head. "Not physi cally. But she's pretty shoo k up. The para medi cs thoug ht it best

that she spen d the night in the hospi tal under obser vatio n." I 'm glad the wom an will be some wher e safe. Her hair had been cover ing her face most of the time she talke d to Shay. "Doe s she rese

mble me?" " No," he answ ers. "He broke patter n tonig ht. He chos e a victim rando mly. Why? " I don't know why he broke patter n, but I imagi ne he was simpl y in the mood to kill and didn't want to

bothe r with luring a victim away from a club. I sens e the beast in him is beco ming harde r to contr ol. " How did you know he was here, Lou? " W e stand in front of Terry' s El Cami no.

I'm not sure a vision is so differ ent from a drea m. A vision just soun ds more credi ble. "I had anoth er vision . I saw him here. " " You save d that wom an's life, Lou." Terry takes my shoul ders betw

een his hand s. "I don't know what you have, but what ever it is, it's a gift." T his is wher e the soft musi c shoul d start and Terry shoul d apolo gize for mistr ustin g me in the first place , mayb e even

kiss me, but none of that happ ens. Inste ad of warm fuzzi es, I'm as cold as ice. I know it's Janu ary in New York and I shoul d be freezi ng, but this coldn ess goes deep er. It's him. He's still here. Watc

hing waitin g. S hay reach es for the handl e of his door. "I'll take you home ." " He's still here. " P oised with one hand on the small of my back and the other on the door handl e, Terry

glanc es aroun d. "We searc hed the park earlie r, Lou. No sign of anyo ne suspi cious ." " He's here, " I insist. "I sens e him." I expe ct Terry to quest ion my "gift." He is the big bad

cop and proba bly think s he know s more than I do about these matte rs. Inste ad he calls to the two office rs who were keepi ng the crow d back earlie r. Both are just about to get into a cruis er a few feet

away . " Mitch , Frank , give me a hand! " B oth men chan ge direct ion and ambl e towar d us. Once they reach Terry' s El Cami no, one asks, "Wha t's up, Shay ?" " I'd like to take anoth

er turn aroun d the area. If we split up, it won't take long." O ne man groan s, but neith er argue s. " Guns off safet y," Shay instru cts. "I'll meet you by that park benc h and we'll split up from there. "

I like a man in contr ol. " Wait in the El Cami no, Lou." C orrect ion, I like a man in contr ol as long as he does n't think he's in contr ol of me. I want to go with Terry , but of cours e that will look

suspi cious . A mode l, in his mind, woul d rathe r stay some wher e safe and out of the way. S hay open s the door and waits until I climb into the El Cami no. "Just keep the doors locke d and the wind ows rolled

up. You'll be okay. " H e hits the door locks and slam s the door befor e I can say anyth ing. Then he walks away . I'd dig in my beaut y bag for a piece of choc olate but my stom ach is churn ing so

bad it woul d be a wast e of calori es. I worry about Terry . He might be a tough guy, but he has no idea what he's really deali ng with. A nothe r chill races up my spine and I wish Shay had at least left me

the keys. I could turn on the heate r. My breat h stea ms up the wind ows. I rub the dew off and squin t into the park. Even with my super ior night vision , it's hard to see anyth ing but shap es of

trees and bush es. Som eone knoc ks on the pass enger side wind ow. I slide acros s the seat thinki ng it's Shay and wipe the wind ow off. I t's not Shay. It's HIM. His eyes glow red. His face is not a

face at all, but a miss hape n mess , half huma n, half wolf. His mout h is open, fangs glea ming in the moon light. He's hideo us. A screa m claws its way up my throat . H e bang s on the wind ow again

and I jump. He nearl y smile s, which pulls his face sidew ays and make s him more grote sque than he alrea dy is. His lips twist back and, throu gh the glass , I hear him growl . I want to growl in respo

nse, but nothi ng come s out of my clogg ed throat . None of the previ ous respo nses I've had towar d him occur . Why? M aybe beca use I can see and hear him, but I can't smell him. He corre cts that probl

em by bangi ng so hard a third time that glass flies. His clawli ke hand come s throu gh the wind ow. Glass cuts my face. The sting hurts, but not as bad as my scalp when his hand grabs a fistful

of my hair. Franti cally, I reach for some thing to anch or myse lf, hopin g I can clutc h the steeri ng whee l and blare the horn. I come up short and only mana ge to clutc h my beaut y bag. A nothe r

hard tug and my head is nearl y out the wind ow. I fumbl e in my beaut y bag, grab the first thing my hand close s aroun d, then he pulls me outsi de. I land hard on the pave ment, knoc king the

breat h from my lungs . He stand s over me. H is scent is stron g now. A smell of deca y, as if his soul is rotten . He leans down besid e me. I come nose to snout with him. "I want ed more

time with you," he says in a garbl ed voice . "Tim e for you to see what it's like when it all slips away ." H is breat h is fetid. It nearl y make s me gag. I lift the bottle clutc hed in my hand and

give him a good dose of hairs pray, right in the eyes. I've been spritz ed befor e accid entall y. I know it sting s like hell. He rears back with a howl. I bring my knee up betw een his hairy thigh s. He's

a man in that depar tment , anyw ay. Anot her howl and he doubl es up and rolls to the side. I wish I were weari ng my red sex shoe s. I'd give him a kick to the side, mayb e punct ure his lung

with a stilett o heel. Since I'm not weari ng the right shoe s, I lift the hairs pray to give him anoth er spritz . That' s when I notic e the claws juttin g from my finger tips. I 'd welco me

their retur n, but Shay could come upon the scen e at any mom ent. He woul dn't know which mons ter to shoot first. " Lou? " T here goes that psyc hic thing again . I glanc e to my left. Terry stand s in the

street a few feet away . At that dista nce, he can't make out more than my shap e. D istrac ted, I'm taken off guard when Dog Breat h rolls away , jump s to his feet, and takes off. Terry break s into a run,

head ed towar d me, gun draw n. I have no idea if I have fangs and thick body hair in place s I shoul dn't. Terry can't see me like this. I turn away and take off after Dog Breat h. A head, the mons ter

duck s into an alley. My sane side says not to follow him. It could be a trap. My insan e side says I have to follow . This creep is not only a wom an killer, he's mess ing with my life. Do I have the ability

to deal with the were wolf? Glan cing at my claws , I realiz e I might be the only perso n who can deal with him. I suppr ess my fear and follow him in. Sane side warn s that I could be his next victim

. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 2 O ne thing you neve r hear abou t cops is that t hey have a good sens e of hum

or. Com e to think of it, y ou neve r hear that abou t were wolv es, eithe r. I t's your typic al scary alley. Dark, wet, and there' s lots of garba ge sacks stack ed next to the Dum pster

s. Lots of place s for a were wolf murd erer to hide and jump out at me. Altho ugh the place looks deser ted, I don't follow my first instin ct to race down the alley, panic ked that I've lost sight of a killer. Inste

ad, I move slowl y, the hairs pray still clutc hed in my hairy hand. My tongu e seek s and finds the fangs that have exten ded in my mout h. I itch every wher e and can only assu me I might be weari ng a fur coat under

my stylis h joggi ng suit. A nois e to my left make s me whee l in that direct ion. A rat scurri es from bene ath a sack of garba ge. I have no inclin ation to chas e the rat down and have him for a protei

n snac k. I am as repul sed by the roden t as any norm al redblood ed wom an woul d be. That' s comf orting to me. At least I know even when I have fur, fangs , and claws , on the insid

e, I'm still me. A figur e lunge s from the shad ows on my left. I whee l towar d it, thinki ng it's Dog Breat h. It only takes a good whiff to figure out the man isn't Dog Breat h. He's Alcoh ol

Breat h. The drunk stum bles up to me, a halfsmok ed cigar ette butt hangi ng from his lips. " Watc ha doing out here all alone , pretty lady? " he slurs, then fumbl es with a matc hboo k, tears out a

matc h, strike s it, and bring s the flame to the tip of the stogi e. His blood shot eyes lift to me in the flimsy light of the matc h. They wide n. His mout h drops open and the stogi e falls to the groun d. The matc hes

follow . "Hey, how come you have a beard ?" O h, great. Facia l hair. I didn't expe ct to be deali ng with this issue until meno paus e. "Did you see a stran gelooki ng man go down the alley in

front of us?" T he lisp is so bad I hardl y under stand myse lf. I'm sure a man drunk on his ass has even more troubl e. Inste ad of answ ering or askin g me to repea t the quest ion, the drunk 's face

scre ws up and he lets out a blood curdli ng screa m. He evide ntly sober s up quickl y beca use he make s a mad dash for the alley entra nce and disap pears . S urely I don't look that bad.

No time to worry about it; from some wher e down the alley that creep y laugh floats to me. He mater ialize s a coupl e of yards away . His eyes glow red in the darkn ess. His shad ow looks bigge r and hairie

r. He starts towar d me on two legs, then crouc hes down and conti nues on four. This totall y freak s me out. I'm too scare d to run and realiz e, even if I did, he'd easily catch me. I have no weap on exce

pt the hairs pray. W ait, all those Mac Gyve r rerun s are not just a wast e of time. I bend and franti cally searc h for the book of matc hes the drunk dropp ed. I find the book, but peeli ng it open with claws

slows me down . A glanc e up and those red eyes are only a coupl e of feet away . Hand s tremb ling, claws hamp ering me, I pull the only remai ning matc h free, strike it, hold the hairs pray up and

place the flame in front of it befor e press ing the spray butto n. I expe ct a blowt orch. I get an explo sion. A fireba ll that hits Dog Breat h direct ly in the face. He yelps and rolls back ward. The smell

of singe d hair fills the alley. He's still on fire. With an eerie howl, he jump s to his feet and runs in the oppo site direct ion, looki ng like a huma n torch. He disap pears aroun d a corne r. Did I woun d him

enou gh to kill him? I'm out of hairs pray, out of matc hes, and my saner half says this is not a good time to follow him and find out. I f I killed him, the night mare s shoul d stop. If I didn't he's going

to be one pisse d-off were wolf. I back out of the alley and take to the street s. It's aroun d four in the morni ng now and there are still cars on the street , thoug h very few. Peopl e, too. T hat's one thing

I love about New York. It never comp letely shuts down . I head for home . I keep heari ng Dog Breat h's distor ted voice in my head. What did he mean when he said he want ed more time, time for me to

see what it's like when it all slips away ? My caree r? If he's the trigge r for me, and he know s it, I can see wher e he could easily ruin my mode ling caree r my whol e life. I hope I killed him. A coup

le appro achin g from ahea d bring s me from my thoug hts. They' re arm in arm, cuddl ed toget her, laugh ing. I figure they' ve had a late night of partyi ng some wher e. He kisse s her and they both laugh

again . It's very swee t and I exper ience a pang of envy. I wish I were simpl y out walki ng with my boyfri end. I wish I even had a boyfri end. T he guy glanc es up, spots me a few feet ahea d, and skids

to a halt. The girl stum bles but he quickl y pulls her behin d him. I stop. His brave ry lasts only a seco nd befor e he takes the girl's hand and they run for the other side of the street . " Oh,

my God, what is that? " I hear the girl say franti cally as they race away . F or a mom ent, I am trans porte d back to Have n High Scho ol. I am a dorky soph omor e. Som etime s the more popul

ar girls press them selve s again st the locke rs when I pass like I have some thing catch ing. They laugh and every one laugh s with them. On days like that, I woul d walk home from scho ol cryin g. Even Cindy

could n't cheer me up. M y eyes sting now. I blink back tears. Dog Breat h has mana ged to trans port me back to a time when I felt like more of a mons ter than I do at this mom ent. It's not even a

nice place to visit and I damn sure don't want to live there again . I try to take comf ort in the thoug ht that I may have killed Dog Breat h and now all this were wolf busin ess with me is going to stop. I try, I don't

say I succ eed. O nce I reach my apart ment buildi ng, I have a new probl em. How am I going to get past the night door man witho ut sendi ng him runni ng for his life? I look at my hand s. The claws have retrac

ted. I run my tongu e over my teeth. The fangs are gone. I touch my face. Uhoh. I still have a beard . I rub the fur and, surpri singly , it come s off in my hand s. What the hell is this? I keep rubbi ng

and it keep s fallin g off. I rub until my face feels smoo th again . The fur might still be on my body, but havin g it off my face will at least allow me insid e and up to my apart ment. Luckil y my joggi ng suit

has a hood and I pull it up, walk to the door, and go insid e. The night door man stand s with Terry Shay. Both glanc e up. Terry has a phon e stuck in his ear. His face drain s of color when he sees me. " Lou," he

breat hes. "Tha nk God you'r e okay. " He says into the phon e, "I've got her. You can stop looki ng." H e hang s up and walks towar d me. Now his face flush es with color. I swea r I see stea

m comi ng out of his ears. "Whe re have you been ? I was going crazy trying to find you. I've got guys out trollin g the street s. Sear ching the park, the surro undin g area. Why the hell did you take

off after him?" " I'm okay, " I say. H is face darke ns a shad e and he sticks a long finger in my face. "Wha t were you thinki ng, Lou? Chasi ng him? If you hadn' t been in the way I could have dropp ed

him! You'r e lucky to be alive! " B ehind us, the night door man' s eyes are wide. He hang s on our every word. "Let's go upsta irs, Terry ," I sugg est. "My feet hurt and I need a show er." I walk

to the eleva tor, push the butto n, and assu me Shay is comi ng along for the ride. The doors open, I step insid e, and Terry slides in besid e me. " I'm very pisse d at you right now," he infor ms me.

"I was begin ning to think you not only had beaut y, you had brain s to go along with it, but now I have to recon sider. " I 'm too exha usted at the mom ent to let his temp er spark my own. "I

had hairs pray. I thoug ht I could take him." Whic h remin ds me. "Hey, did you find my beaut y bag? " W hen I look at him, Terry' s eyes are as cold as my ass was the day I met him

on the roof. "Yes, I found the damn thing. I put it my car. It weig hs more than you do." " I want it back, " I assur e him. "Don' t want you borro wing my beaut y produ cts." T his fails to get

even a hint of a smile from him. He has no sens e of humo r. Mine' s a little on the weak side tonig ht, as well. The eleva tor open s and we step into the hallw ay leadi ng to my apart ment. That' s when

I reme mber that my keys are in my beaut y bag. I can't recall if in my haste to leave , I even locke d my door. I try the knob when we reach my apart ment and the door swing s open. Cindy 's aslee p on

my couc h, the televi sion blarin g. Court TV. I shoul d have know n. " Don't wake her," I whisp er to Terry . I'll deal with Cindy after I deal with Terry . I motio n for him to follow me into the kitch en. He's

in my face in a heart beat, altho ugh he keep s his voice low. "This creep who broke out my car wind ow and you chas ed after with hairs pray, did you get a good look at him?" S hould I tell him the truth?

Jack Nicho lson's voice screa ms in my head, "You want the truth? You can't handl e the truth! " I figure I shoul d listen to Jack. "No, he was weari ng the mask . I did mana ge to set him on fire, thoug h." I drop

that little bomb while fixing us both herba l tea. " You did what ?" " Shss s," I warn him, noddi ng towar d the living room wher e I'd like Sleep ing Beau ty to remai n in a coma . "He came at me in an alley. I had the

hairspray and a matc h and I set his face on fire, or rathe r, his mask . He ran away ." T erry's mout h drops open. "You actua lly confr onted this guy? A killer ? One I susp ect is really after you?" P oppin

g a mug into the micro wave , I shrug . "I think I was in some kind of shoc k. Norm ally, I'd have been too scare d to do anyth ing like that. Mayb e you shoul d have the hospi tals chec ked for anyo

ne comi ng in with burns to the face or head for the next coupl e of days. " S hay is right behin d me when I turn aroun d. "Cha sing bad guys is my job. I've been traine d to take care of myse lf. You

had no busin ess doing what you did tonig ht. Swea r to me you'r e never going to do anyth ing that stupi d again ." T hat's a tall order . Inste ad of swea ring anyth ing I take the cup out of the micro

wave , dunk a teaba g in the water , and shov e it in Terry' s hand s. "I need a show er. Enjoy your tea." A fter undre ssing to find my cloth es fur lined, I take a hot show er, hide the hairy cloth

es in a hamp er, brush my teeth, and put on my old terrycloth robe. I have nicer robes , but this is my comf ort wear. I'm surpri sed to find Terry sittin g on my bed, my phon e in his ear. " Yeah

, I want all repor ts from the local hospi tals of any men comi ng in with head or facial burns . That' s from tonig ht for the next mont h." W hile show ering, I thoug ht about Dog Breat h and those

burns . If I didn't kill him, and if he's like me, he'll heal at a fast rate. He won't need a docto r. Dam mit. " Sorry , your friend woke and I aske d if I could borro w a phon e. My cell is dead. She told me to use the

one in here. " C indy sendi ng Shay to my bedro om is proba bly anoth er unco nscio us effort on her part to hook me up with some good sex. Terry looks like the kind of guy who can deliv er.

He's also pisse d at me so I'm thinki ng he might not be in a deliv ering mood . "Spe aking of Cindy , I'd better chec k on her." " She left," Shay says. "Said three' s a crow d and she'd talk to you later. I

want ed to make sure you'r e all right befor e I go. And to rake you over the coals a little more about puttin g yours elf in dang er." S urpris ingly, I'm not nearl y as upset about being pulle d from a broke

n wind ow by a murd ering were wolf as I am about the coupl es' reacti on to me on the street . It broug ht back all my old insec uritie s about myse lf. I need to feel pretty . " What I did tonig

ht was stupi d," I admit . " You got that right, " he assur es me. "You took ten years off my life, Kinip ski." Terry rubs the back of his neck and sighs . "It's not supp osed to be perso nal for me. I don't

think straig ht when it gets too perso nal." I mov e forwa rd and allow myse lf the indul genc e of runni ng my hand s throu gh his hair. It's soft and thick. "You like me," I tease him. " I

don't like you at the mom ent," he says, but his big blues softe n on me and I know his anger has coole d. "But okay, yeah, I like you a little. You'r e differ ent than I thoug ht you'd be when I first saw you. You'r

e a bit of a geek, Kinip ski. For some reaso n, that appe als to me." " So my looks don't matte r?" I want confir matio n of this. If they don't, one way or the other, he's the first man I've ever met who had

that opini on. T erry shrug s. "I'm not sayin g the pack age isn't nice. I'm just sayin g there' s more to the pack age than most peopl e proba bly realiz e." H e's spoton about that. He's also about

to get his bone s jump ed. I need to feel like a wom an tonig ht. Desir able in every way. I'm glad I didn't promi se him earlie r that I'd never do anyth ing stupi d again , beca use I'm gettin g ready

to. I untie my robe and let it fall open. " You want ed to make sure I'm okay befor e you leave . Do I look okay ?" T erry is proba bly a hard perso n to shoc k. He's a New York detec tive and I imagi ne

he's seen more in his thirty or so years of living than most peopl e see in a lifeti me. His gaze wide ns, but only slightl y. He takes a good long look befor e his eyes lift to meet mine. " You look fine, Lou. More than

fine." T his is the valid ation I need. Terry know s I'm not perfe ct. He know s I have faults . And he want s me anyw ay. I see that he does by the way he looks at me. He stand s, steps forwa rd,

and pulls me into his arms. Whe n he kisse s me, I taste the pepp ermin t tea I fixed him earlie r. H e slides his hand s insid e my robe and splay s them acros s my back to pull me close r. Then

he groan s and steps away . "I don't have anyth ing with me," he says. I lift a brow. "Wha t? Terry Shay unpre pared for any emer genc y?" Tskin g as I walk past him, I move to my night stand , switc h off the baby

monit or, open a draw er, and remo ve a coupl e of cond om pack ages. I'm obse ssive about birth contr ol. I won't take any chan ces when it come s to passi ng my scre wedup DNA along to some poor

kid. "Luck y for you, Shay, I'm prepa red." H e gives me that lopsi ded halfsmile that gets my juices flowin g. "No. Luck y for you, Kinip ski." O nce the armo r has been suppl ied, the troop s get movi ng.

Terry grabs me and pulls me down upon the bed with him. He rolls on top of me, starin g down . Then slowl y, he bend s to kiss me. The kiss starts out soft and heats up in a hurry. I tug at Terry' s

shirt. I hear it rip. He laugh s and pulls the shirt off over his head, tossi ng it acros s the bed. I'm afraid to go for his pants . He rolls away , stand s up and unbut tons his jeans , slips off his shoe s and socks ,

unzip s and shim mies out of his pants . He has a nice pack age, too. Reall y nice. I shru g out of my robe and he's next to me on the bed. He touch es me, I touch him. His abs are as hard as I reme mber.

He's hard every wher e. Like I said, very impre ssive. Toget her, we get the armo r on. I don't know if the were wolf factor plays into my respo nses, but Terry' s touch , his kiss, drive me wild. H e ease s me down

to the mattr ess. Whe n he slides on top of me spark s fly from the conta ct of skin again st skin. Som ethin g beast ly takes over and I switc h our positi ons. He looks surpri sed I got the drop on him. Slidin g

down his body, I bend and nip at his nippl es. He has very little hair on his chest . Earlie r, I had a lot more, but I'm not going to brag. T erry push es me up. His hand s close over my

breas ts, knea ding gentl y. That starts a fire deep insid e of me. He leans up and tease s my nippl es with his tongu e. My femal e part press es again st his male part and he groan s softly . I'm wet and ready

. Angli ng my hips, I bring him insid e of me. We both gasp, then I bend and kiss him. H is hips arch upwa rd, deep. I move again st him, our kisse s short er, wette r, more breat hless as

we move with the rhyth m of sex. Terry takes my hips betw een his hand s and tries to slow me. I'm not in the mood to be suppr esse d. I grab his hand s and lift them over his head, pinni ng them there again

st the pillow s. Then I have my way with him. This way, that way, every way. I 'm swea ting when the first tremo rs of clima x take me. This is my first one with an actua l man. Bob, the batter y-

opera ted boyfri end in my panty draw er, know s how to pleas e me in bed, but morta l men have alway s fallen short. I'm comp letely blow n away . Terry picks up the pace as I spas m aroun d him,

drivin g deep er until I feel him shud der. That shud der push es me over the edge. I'm not sure, but I might have howl ed befor e I colla pse on top of him. He grunt s, like I've knoc ked the breat h

from him. I lie there like a rag doll, listeni ng to the wild ham merin g of Terry' s heart. Finall y, a man who know s his way aroun d the bedro om. But then I realiz e I have never been so uninh ibited with a man

befor e. I gues s Cindy is right. It's differ ent with some one I actua lly have a relati onshi p with not that I'm sure what exact ly my relati onshi p is with Shay. " That was some thing, " he says. " Hmm

," I respo nd, nestli ng close r to him. My elbo w poke s him in the ribs and he grunt s again . He'd better tough en up. We only have about two hours until morni ng and I'm going to take adva ntage

of every minut e of it. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 3 T here' s one way that I realiz eI am p erfec tly norm al. Even beau tiful

girls some times w ake up to a note on their pillo w. S ome wher e in the far reces ses of my exha usted mind I hear the phon e ring. I think it has rung more than once. I'm too tired to answ

er it. Mayb e it's beca use I ran five block s last night in super spee d mode . Mayb e beca use I was dragg ed throu gh a broke n wind ow, then I chas ed down a murd erer and set him on fire. Mayb

e it's beca use then I had to walk my hairy self home after ward. But more proba bly, it's beca use of the mindblowi ng sex I had with Terry Shay. Thre e times ! I smil e and turn to the other side of the bed,

hopin g he's awak e and ready to go again . He's neith er of those thing s. He's gone. I sit up and listen to see if he's still in the apart ment, mayb e in the bathr oom or in the kitch en maki ng me break fast. The

place is as quiet as a ceme tery. My beaut y bag sits on the botto m of the bed. Ther e's a note attac hed. I crawl forwa rd and snatc h the note. " Didn' t want to wake you. Had to go to work. I'll call you

later. Terry ." W as the signa ture really nece ssary ? And could n't he have adde d some flowe ry roma ntic crap to make me feel as if last night were n't just a onenight stand ? Consi derin g the man

in quest ion, the answ er is no. Nonons ense Terry is also nonons ense in the sack. He gets right down to busin ess, and he's good at it. I grin again . I can't help myse lf. " Lou, are you alone

in there ?" I scra mble out of bed, grab my ratty robe, and slip into it. "Yea h, I'm alone !" " Then I gues s my plan didn't work, " Cindy grum bles upon enteri ng my bedro om. She stops short and

sniffs . "I think it smell s like sex in here. " A com ment from me is not imme diatel y forthc omin g. " Pleas e tell me that's sex I smell ," Cindy persi sts. T he grin break s out on my face again

. "That' s not just sex, my friend . That' s mindblowi ng sex you smell ." C indy glanc es aroun d the bedro om. "He is still alive, right? " M y grin stretc hes. "Yes, he left me a note. " I raise my

hand to highfive her. She leave s me hangi ng. " He left you a friggi n' note? That' s never a good sign." I finall y lower my palm. "No, you don't under stand ," I stres s. "It was good. I finally got

mine, you know ?" C indy's brow lifts. "So Bob gets to retire ?" G lanci ng at the top left draw er of my dress er, I say, "Well , not just yet. It's not like Shay even aske d me out." S hakin g her head,

Cindy says, "And at least Bob has never left you a note. " O kay, so the afterg low of great sex has worn off and I'm starin g at a note. I'm sure Terry will call me later, just like the note says. He's

a cop. He's not supp osed to lie. " By the way, what happ ened last night that you even ende d up with Terry over here? " Cindy asks. "And wher e did you go? I woke up and didn't hear anyth ing on the

monit or. No breat hing, no tossi ng and turnin g like I usual ly hear. I thoug ht I'd better come over and chec k on you, and you'r e gone. " M y euph oria conti nues to fade. Now I have to think

about the bad part of last night. "I had a night mare, " I answ er, movi ng out of the bedro om towar d the kitch en to fix coffe e. "This time, I looke d aroun d to see wher e the victim was." I fiddle with

the coffe epot as Cindy slides onto what I now think of as Terry' s stool. " And you could figure it out?" Cindy asks. I nod. "He was in Centr al Park. He was going to kill a wom an. I woke myse lf up, calle

d Terry , then raced to Centr al Park hopin g to get there in time to stop him." " Lou, are you crazy ?" A fter dump ing the last scoo p in the filter and turnin g on the pot, I face Cindy . "Wha

t did you expe ct me to do?" H er face is pale. "Let the cops handl e it. Lou, you know this creep is after you. I can't belie ve you went to a locati on wher e you knew he'd be. You could have been killed!

" N ow I realiz e I can't tell Cindy what happ ened after I reach ed the park. I also under stand that the one perso n I thoug ht I could tell all my secre ts to has basic ally turne d into my moth er. Like all good

daug hters, I have to start lying to Cindy . The less she know s, the less she has to worry about . " As you can see by the fact I'm stand ing in my kitch en maki ng us coffe e, I didn't get myse

lf killed. The polic e arrive d in time to save the wom an, the bad guy of cours e got away , and Terry finally belie ves all this psyc hic crap I've been dishi ng him." S he chew s on her lip befor

e sayin g, "It's not good to lie to your lover, Lou." I don't think a few hours of mindblowi ng sex and a note puts Terry in "my lover" categ ory. But yes, I am lying to him. Now I'm lying to Cindy . It's

the fact I've gotte n so good at it that bothe rs me. " Coffe e?" " You'r e chan ging the subje ct," Cindy grum bles. "But yeah, coffe e soun ds good. " A fter pouri ng her a cup, I go off to the bedro

om to chec k my mess ages. And yes, I'm hopin g there' s at least one from Terry tellin g me that he's never had sex as good as it was last night and he is now my love slave for life. A girl can hope, at least

on her way to find out. Ther e is a mess age. It's from Morg an Kane . " Hey, cupc ake, a man nearl y gets arrest ed and you don't call him anym ore? I found out your moth er's name . Meet

me at the office today if you want the infor matio n." M y heart lurch es. I wish I'd answ ered the phon e when Morg an calle d. I could alrea dy know my moth er's name , some thing I have wond ered

for years . I pick up the phon e and dial Morg an's numb er. I get his answ ering mach ine. Why does he alway s insist on seein g me? Beca use he's a perv, I'm thinki ng, and he want s to anno

y me with his pervi ness. My moth er's name is worth a meeti ng with Kane . I head for the show er. I ronic ally, Kane is on the phon e when I walk into his office , I have a feelin g he

ignor ed my call earlie r after the caller ID show ed my numb er. He want ed me to have to come all the way down town to his dirty office . He holds up a finger to indic ate one minut e. I walk over

and sit acros s from him. The highli ghts really are nice. He looks some how sexie r. W hile he talks, I watc h his lips move . I'm not really payin g attent ion to what he's sayin g, just notici ng

that his mout h is shap ed nicely . What' s wron g with me? Has one night of wild uninh ibited sex turne d me into a nymp ho? Kane hang s up and nods towar d me. " Good to see you, cupc ake." I

must wipe away all thoug hts that Kane is in any way attrac tive to me. "Wis h I could say the same . Was it really nece ssary for me to come down here? " " Most peopl e don't like perso nal infor matio

n left on their answ ering mach ines," he answ ers. "I thoug ht you want ed to keep this privat e." H e has a point. Not that I usual ly have anyo ne aroun d listeni ng to my mess ages, but I might start havin

g some one aroun d. Like a certai n hot detec tive who does n't need to know my privat e busin ess. "Oka y," I agree . "Wha t's her name ?" M organ open s his desk draw er and takes out his

Wild Turke y and two glass es. He pours each glass half full and shov es mine towar d me. Norm ally, I woul d refus e, but what he's about to tell me requir es a shot of some thing stron g. I snatc h up the glass and

take a sip. It's horrib le. I wish he'd drink some thing else. " I got a copy of your birth certifi cate. Her name is Wen dy Unde rwoo d." W endy ? It's funny how when you'r e a kid, you drea m that your

paren ts have some exoti c name , mayb e foreig n, myst eriou s. "Wha t about my father 's name ?" Surel y he has a more myst eriou s name . K ane throw s back his drink in one gulp.

"Unk nown ." W ell, that's certai nly myst eriou s. "She didn't know who got her pregn ant?" I n a surpri se move , Kane reach es acros s the desk and pats my hand. I snatc h it away and he smile

s. Then he gets back to busin ess. "I'm sure she knew . A lot of unwe d moth ers put 'unkn own' on the father 's identi ty. Make s the adopt ion proce ss easie r, or mayb e their lives, depe nding on

the relati onshi p and the circu msta nces. " I take anoth er drink of Wild Turke y and find myse lf thinki ng it's not so bad after all. "Do you know wher e she is?" " I'm worki ng on it, cupc ake.

She was once empl oyed by that lab I told you about . She's proba bly the one who did a searc h on you." M y stom ach feels warm , either from the liquor or the knowl edge that at least my moth er is

curio us about me. She want s to know wher e I am. "She does n't work there now? " H e shak es his recen tly highli ghted head. "No. I calle d and aske d for her. She's been gone for about two years ."

" What about the Billin gtons ? Have you conta cted them for infor matio n?" S itting back in his chair, he sighs . "I thoug ht you didn't want me mess ing with them, " he remin ds me. "Has that chan ged?

" I don't want Kane mess ing with anyth ing that has to do with Have n, but I can't help but wond er if my birth moth er might have conta cted them in the time I've been gone. That woul d be logic al since

she had to have know n my adopt ed name to do the searc h for me. " I didn't and I don't, " I admit . "But I also told you not to conta ct the lab, and you did anyw ay." M organ holds up his hand s in surre

nder. "Hey, if I hadn' t lifted your moth er's name from the birth certifi cate and trace d her to the lab, I woul dn't have conta cted them. All I did was ask for her by name . Talk to some one in perso nnel to

see if they knew wher e she'd gone. Soun ds like she didn't give notic e. Just disap peare d." K ane's eyes are really sexy when they'r e not blood shot. Why am I notici ng that? I shak e my head in an effort to

clear it. "She might have left to look for me. I'll call the Billin gtons and ask if my birth moth er has conta cted them. I just didn't want to talk to them again . We didn't part on good terms ." K ane reach

es for his glass again . "Pas s what ever infor matio n you get along to me. I need the mone y, cupc ake." " So, what happ ens next? " A fter pouri ng anoth er shot, Morg an answ ers, "I stay

on the trail of your moth er. Do you want me to go to Neva da, snoo p aroun d down there ?" I t seem s to me that peopl e woul d be more forthc omin g with infor matio n to a daug hter looki

ng for her moth er than to a rock star askin g quest ions. I can't go myse lf, not now, but I like the thoug ht of seein g wher e my moth er lived and work ed. "No, I'd rathe r you not go there. At least

not witho ut me. I'll let you know when my sche dule is clear. " H e stare s at me from over the top of his shot glass . "Or when ever whoe ver it was that kept you up all night and put the glow in

your chee ks says you can go?" M y supp osedl y glowi ng chee ks start to sting. I can't reme mber the last time I blush ed. "I'm talkin g about my work sche dule. And just for the recor d, I

don't answ er to anyo ne. And if my chee ks or anyth ing else is glowi ng it's none of your busin ess." K ane leans back in his chair. He puts his hand s behin d his head and smile s at me. "I see gettin g

some hasn' t impro ved your mood . He must not be doing some thing right. " A s far as I'm conc erned , Terry did every thing right. It's Kane who sours my mood . "Bee n arrest ed lately ?" I ask

swee tly. H is shiteatin g grin fades . "I can't help it if I just happ ened to have a conn ectio n to those two poor wom en. That was a low blow. " H e's right, but he's also anno ying. "I never said I

play nice." Risin g, I gathe r my beaut y bag and slide it over one shoul der. "You do owe me one for helpi ng to convi nce Terry you'r e not the murd ering kind." M organ raise s his brow s. "Terr y? Terry Shay

? Don't tell me that cop who haule d your swee t ass to jail is the same one who got a piece of it?" W hen he puts it that way, I no longe r feel warm and fuzzy over our night toget her, but more emba rrass ed

than anyth ing. Woul d anoth er wom an go to bed with a man who had just a few night s ago susp ected her of havin g some thing to do with a murd er? If he looks like Shay, I decid e, yes, she woul

d. " I told you it's none of your busin ess," I remin d him, hopin g I'm not blush ing again . H is chair make s a loud scrap ing noise when Kane gets to his feet. "At least now I know you'r e not all

that picky. Gives me hope. " A grow l esca pes me befor e I can contr ol it. Morg an throw s back his head and laugh s. "You are one of a kind, cupc ake." Y eah, one of a kind all right. And

the only perso n who can tell me why is a wom an by the name of Wen dy Unde rwoo d. "Kee p searc hing onlin e to see what you can dig up on Wen dy Unde rwoo d's trail after she left the

lab. I'll conta ct the Billin gtons and let you know if they have any new infor matio n." I turn and walk towar d the door. " You know wher e to find me if you can't reach me by phon e." W ithout com

menti ng, I walk out and close the door. The thoug ht of callin g the Billin gtons churn s bile in my stom ach. I can't imagi ne what they thoug ht when I didn't come home on prom night, or the night after or the one after that.

Just beca use they were n't capa ble of openl y expre ssing love towar d me didn't mean they didn't care. Wher e was the bond that shoul d have drive n me home to throw myse lf in their arms and sob out every

thing that happ ened ? Mayb e neith er the Billin gtons nor I allow ed ourse lves to care too deepl y. Mayb e on some level we all knew there was some thing unnat ural about me. I broo d over it all the way

home . Once I'm in the apart ment, I brood over the unbli nking light on my answ ering mach ine. Why hasn' t Terry calle d like he said he woul d? I catch myse lf befor e I beco me too pathe tic. I have

enou gh to worry about at the mom ent. L ike callin g the Billin gtons after seve n years witho ut a word from me. I pick up the phon e and stare at it. The numb er is still etche d into my brain. Then I realiz e I can't

do it. At least not witho ut moral supp ort. Inste ad of dialin g my old phon e numb er, I dial Cindy 's cell. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 4

T hey say you don't miss some thing until you'v e l ost it. What they don't say is that even thou gh you l ose, some times some one you care abou t ends up w innin g, whic h make

s it almo st all right. W hile I wait for Cindy to arrive from an outin g with a new friend , I'm force d to chow down on stale cerea l. I wish I hadn' t finish ed off the pretz els and yogur t. I'm in

serio us need of food aroun d here. Half a box and one episo de of Psyc hic Dete ctive s later, Cindy uses her key to enter my apart ment. I don't get up; I'm emba rrass ed to say that my knee s are

shak y. " What' s up, Lou? " Cindy floun ces over and plops down besid e me. Befor e I can answ er, she notic es what I'm watc hing. "Ooo h, is this the one wher e the psyc hic actua lly gets arrest ed

beca use they think she must have been involv ed in the murd er to know so many detail s about it?" I t is the episo de, and I see a stran ge parall el to the psyc hic's circu msta nces and my own. "Yea h, it

is that one," I answ er. I'm about to launc h into my dram atic tale about havin g to conta ct the Billin gtons when I notic e a heav enly smell . Cindy has a McD onald 's sack in her hand. "Plea se tell me

that's for me. I'm starvi ng." S he smile s and hand s over the bag. "I know you don't have any food aroun d here. Figur ed you could use some greas y meat. " I 'd hug Cindy if I were n't

busy tearin g into the sack. "I adore you," I say befor e takin g a big greas y bite. " So, you never said why you need me here. What' s going on?" " I have to call the Billin gtons ," I answ er,

witho ut bothe ring to chew and swall ow first. C indy actua lly turns away from the televi sion to stare at me. "Why in the hell woul d you do a crazy thing like that? " I t is crazy . But some small part

of me want s to talk to them. Okay , a big part of me want s to talk to them. I'd like a few tears exch ange d betw een us. I'd like for them to tell me they love me. "Wen dy Unde rwoo d is why the

hell I'm doing a crazy thing like callin g them. " C indy frown s. "Who is Wen dy Unde rwoo d?" N ow to drop the bomb . "My moth er." E ither the news or a fry Cindy snatc hed make s her chok

e. I thum p her on the back. "I think she's looki ng for me," I expla in. "She might have conta cted the Billin gtons after I ran away . She might have left conta ct infor matio n for them in case I come back or

call." " Whe n did you find this out?" " Morg an told me this aftern oon. He got hold of a copy of my birth certifi cate and that was the name listed under 'moth er.'" E arthshatt ering news obvio usly does

n't affect Cindy 's appet ite. She digs in my bag and takes anoth er fry. "Wha t's your father 's name ?" " The certifi cate says 'unkn own.' " " Bum mer," Cindy respo nds. "Wha t make s you think your biolo

gical moth er might be looki ng for you, Lou? I mean I know you hope she " " She work ed for that lab in Neva da that was doing a searc h onlin e for me," I interr upt. "The one you heard Morg

an tell me about at the club. It had to be her trying to find me." C indy sits back again st the couc h cushi ons and sighs . "So, what are you going to say to them ?" A s good as greas e taste

s to me, I put the halfeaten burge r aside . "I don't know . But I do know I need you here with me when I make the call." S he reach es forwa rd and pats my hand. "I'm here. Just don't menti on

me when you talk to the Billin gtons . I'm sure my folks don't care wher e I am or if I live and breat he." T he pain in Cindy 's voice break s my heart. She tries to act tough , like me, but deep down , we're

both still little girls who grew up in a little town in Texa s. It hurt her deepl y, tragic ally, when her father kicke d her out. I thoug ht he was all about comp assio n and forgiv enes s. Gues s I was wron g. M

y hand tremb les when I reach for the phon e restin g on the sofa table. It takes almo st more coura ge than I have to dial a numb er I have not diale d in years . Whe n the phon e starts to ring,

my heart ham mers hard again st my chest . I realiz e how badly I want to hear Norm a's voice , or even Clive' s. I realiz e that I love them. I miss them. The phon e picks up and an auto mate d voice

infor ms me that the numb er I have diale d is no longe r in servi ce. I hang up. " What' s wron g?" Cindy leans forwa rd to look at me. "No answ er?" " Disco nnect ed." H er brow s shoot up.

Dam n, I'd like to get a hold of those brow s. "That' s kind of weird ." " Kind of weird " pretty much descr ibes every thing about my life these days. Cindy snatc hes the phon e from me and punc

hes in a numb er. A mom ent later I realiz e she's calle d infor matio n. She gives them the Billin gtons ' name and the town and state. I dig in my beaut y bag for a pen and notep ad but she hang s up. "

No listing ." H ave they move d? Gotte n an unlist ed numb er? A horrib le thoug ht occur s. Has some thing happ ened to them ? I've spent seve n years worry ing that they might worry what had happ ened

to me, if I was alive or dead, and it never occur red to me to worry that some thing might happ en to them. I have to know , and not just beca use I need infor matio n from them about my birth moth er. I care. Ther e is

an easy way to find out. A s if sensi ng my thoug hts, Cindy glanc es away from me. "I can't call them, Lou. Don't ask me to. I am dead to them. " W e sit in silenc e for a mom ent. "You

could say you are the ghost of their forme r daug hter." M y com ment fails to get a smile from Cindy . "I'm not kiddi ng, Lou. I can't call them. I won't ." M ore silenc e. " I gues s you can

call them and ask," she finally says. "It make s more sens e than me callin g." I kne w that befor e silenc e break numb er two, but I need ed Cindy 's permi ssion to call her paren ts. It's a

given . No matte r how selfis h I want to be, I can't unles s Cindy gives me permi ssion to dig up her past hurt. " You'r e sure? " I ask. I nstea d of answ ering, Cindy punc hes numb ers into the phon e and

hand s it to me. Then she prom ptly leave s the room and head s into my kitch en, which she know s has nothi ng good in it. M rs. Emer son answ ers on the seco nd ring. Her voice bring s back mem ories,

the good kind, and I feel a catch in my throat . "Hell o?" she repea ts. " Ah, hello. Mrs. Emer son, this is L Sherr y Billin gton. " S ilenc e. The shoc ked kind, I imagi ne. I forge ahea d. " I tried

to get in touch with my folks earlie r and their numb er has been disco nnect ed. I calle d infor matio n but they didn't have a listing for them in Have n anym ore. Can you tell me wher e they are?" More

silenc e. I wond er if Mrs. Emer son hung up on me. "Mrs. Emer son?" " Are you all right, Sherr y?" her small voice finally asks. "No one has heard from you since you disap peare d on prom night. " G uilt. It rushe

s up and takes my breat h away . What happ ened to me was not the Billin gtons ' fault. I shoul d have calle d them. I shoul d have at least maile d them a note sayin g I was all right

but I foolis hly belie ved I could leave my past behin d and start over. Now my past is catch ing up with me. Fast. " I know ," I whisp er. "I'm sorry. " I hear move ment, like Mrs. Emer son had

to sit down . "I have some bad news about your paren ts, Sherr y." N ow I need to sit down , but I alrea dy am so inste ad I stand up. My heart ham mers again . "Has some thing happ ened to them ?" I force

myse lf to ask. A paus e, then a sigh. "I don't know , Sherr y. No one know s. They just up and disap peare d one night two years ago. Took every thing and were just gone. The hous e is stand ing empt

y. They owne d it and there have n't been any For Sale signs poste d, so we all assu me they might come back. " C live and Norm a were predi ctabl e peopl e. They were not spont aneo us. Not impul

sive. I can't imagi ne them packi ng up and movi ng in the night and tellin g no one what they were doing , or why. Som ethin g niggl es at me. Som ethin g Kane said. My birth moth er disap peare d from

the lab in Neva da two years ago. She just up and left witho ut tellin g anyo ne wher e she was going . At least no one she work ed with. Coinc idenc e? I don't think so. " Woul d you give the Billin

gtons my numb er if they do conta ct anyo ne in Have n, or if they come back ?" " Of cours e, hone y," Mrs. Emer son says. She alway s calle d me "hon ey" and I feel a catch in my throat again . I give

her my cell numb er, the one that shoul d say "bloc ked call" if they' ve move d into the twent iethfirst centu ry and have caller ID. "Tha nk you, Mrs. Emer son." I almo st hang up when she says,

"Do you know wher e Cindy is?" I 'm silent , which is not a good thing. A defini te indic ation that I do but am not sayin g anyth ing. " Pleas e," Mrs. Emer son whisp ers. "Is she all right?

It's eatin g me up insid e. Pleas e just tell me that she's all right. " A m I betra ying Cindy 's trust if I say anyth ing? Agon y. I hear agon y in Mrs. Emer son's voice . It is not the voice of some one

who has turne d her back on her only child. It's the voice of a desp erate moth er. " I shoul d have told her father that he could n't stop lovin g some one just beca use they did not turn out to

be who he want ed them to be. I shoul dn't have let her go." I hear Cindy bangi ng aroun d in the kitch en. I think she's trying hard not to listen to me. To distra ct herse lf so she won't be tempt ed to

try to hear her moth er's voice . " She's all right, " I say. "She' s here, with me." " Than k God." Mrs. Emer son's voice catch es on a sob. "I've been so worri ed about her." W hat else can I say?

Nothi ng. The ball is in Mrs. Emer son's court. " Can I talk to her?" I hesit ate. " Pleas e," she begs. I walk into the kitch en, go over to Cindy , who is starin g into an empt y pantr y, and

slap the phon e in her hand. "She want s to talk to you." Then I leave and go back into the living room. I turn up the TV beca use this is not my busin ess. An hour later I'm glad that I make a lot of

mone y beca use Cindy is eatin g all my minut es. Whe n she come s back in and sits besid e me, layin g the phon e on the sofa table, her eyes are red and her nose runs. " Am I in deep shit with

you?" I ask. C indy draw s a sleev e acros s her nose and shak es her head. "No. You know I want ed to talk to her. I just didn't know if she woul d want to talk to me, and findin g out she didn't woul

d have killed me all over again ." I put an arm aroun d Cindy and pull her close . She gasp s and push es me away . "You' re crack ing my ribs. You don't know your own stren gth some times

." A visio n of me holdi ng Terry down and climbi ng on top of him last night flash es throu gh my head. Was that a groan of pleas ure or a grima ce of pain? Oh, yeah, Cindy . Back to the matte r at hand. I turn

to her. " Sorry , I just want to give you comf ort." T he sleev e goes acros s her nose again . Ther e's a damn box of tissu es right there on the end table, but I won't split hairs over it. "

I'm okay. Mom and I are at least spea king. She has my numb er. She says she'll call." I don't want to ask, but it will seem odd if I don't. "Wha t about your dad? Did you talk to him?" T he water work

s come on. I shoul d have just stuck with being odd. Howe ver, now it's perfe ctly acce ptabl e to reach acros s Cindy and snag the tissu es. I hand her the box. " No," she answ ers. "He's still prete nding

I don't exist. " Cindy remo ves a tissu e and blows her nose. She wads it up and tosse s it on my sofa table. Again , I must conta in myse lf and pay attent ion to the impor tant issue s. " The sad thing is, I

really want to talk to him. I want to forgiv e him for what he said, what he did. And I want to forgiv e my moth er for lettin g him. Does that make me pathe tic?" M ore gentl y, I put my arm aroun d

Cindy and pull her close . "No, dear friend , it make s you a better man than your father , and stron ger wom an than your moth er. They could both learn a thing or two from you." " Dam n straig ht they

could ." Cindy hiccu ps. She rises and stom ps towar d the kitch en again . " Ame n!" I say for good meas ure, follow ing behin d her. C indy has her head in my empt y fridge when I catch up to her.

"Wat ch what you say," she warn s. "I'm the only one allow ed to talk trash about my folks. And why in the hell don't you ever have any food in this place ! I'm starvi ng." W hen she's upset , Cindy 's

blood sugar gets low and if she does n't get some thing to eat quickl y, she's liable to kill some one. I'm the some one at the mom ent. " Why don't we go out? Have some booz e and red meat. " S lamm ing

the fridge door, Cindy smile s for the first time in an hour. "Now you'r e talkin g." C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 5 D ue to circu msta nces

beyo nd my contr ol, I have learn ed a lie is more often kinde r than t he truth. Now if every one else could just learn t he same thing, we could all be happ y. T wo apple marti nis

later, two steak s, one rare, and a deca dent choc olate creati on that Cindy and I felt we shoul d share , we sit in sated satisf actio n in the great est steak hous e in Broo klyn. We'r e both too stuffe d to talk. I

imagi ne Cindy is thinki ng of her moth er and their conv ersati on earlie r, I have so many thoug hts rollin g aroun d in my head it's hard to focus on just one. W hat happ ened to Dog Breat h?

Did I kill him? Or will I drea m again tonig ht? I glanc e out the wind ows to the street s beyo nd. He could be out there right now. Watc hing me. I don't want to think about that. O r the fact that my cell

hasn' t rung all day. I try to ward off the insec urity seepi ng in feelin gs that were so much a part of my life when I was Sherr y Billin gton. Just wher e are the Billin gtons ? Wher e is Wen dy Unde rwoo d?

Why the hell hasn' t Terry calle d me? " Have n't heard from him, have you?" G lanci ng back at Cindy , I say, "That obvio us, huh? " S he gives me her sad smile . The one that's supp osed

to make me feel better for reaso ns I can't fatho m. "You' re weari ng the same look you did the day you lugge d that stray cat home . Clive and Norm a said you could keep it and it ran off the next

day." " Dam n cat slept with me the night befor e he ran off, too," I grum ble. M y cell rings. My heart skips a beat. It's been an emoti onal twent y-four hours . I let it ring three times befor e I answ er. I soun

d calm and collec ted. " Hi, Lou. Terry ." W hen I spen d the wee hours havin g sex with a man who signs his notes and identi fies hims elf when he calls, it's not a good sign. "Terr y who? " H

e laugh s. "Bus y day. Just now got a chan ce to call. What are you doing ?" " Cindy and I are at Pete' s in Broo klyn, wond ering if we can undo our pants and pick our teeth. " I get anoth er laugh

. "Can I come by and give you a ride home ? Cindy , too, of cours e." I t's weird to be a super mode l, luste d over by millio ns of men, the objec t of most fourte enyearold boys' wet drea

ms, and sudd enly feel like I've never had a relati onshi p with a man befor e. I gues s I have n't, not really . "We'r e finish ed eatin g. Cindy might be anxio us to leave ." A paus e. He wasn' t

expe cting me to decli ne the offer. " I can put on the siren on top of the El Cami no and be there in ten minut es. I was over at my folks' for dinne r." G ood enou gh for sex. Not good enou gh to meet the

paren ts. I know I'm being a total geek about this and decid e to chill. "Ten minut es," I say and hang up. C indy nods appro vingly . "I do belie ve you'v e finally beco me cool, Lou. Way to put him in his place

." " Than ks for the remin der that I'm still a geek at heart, " I mutte r. "Terr y will be givin g us a lift home . He's even puttin g on the siren for us." S he fakeclaps her hand s. "Oh, good y, but sorry,

I have to go. You two shoul d be alone ." She gathe rs her coat. " Wait, " I insist. "You don't have to leave . We'r e both going to the same place . Don't be silly." H er eyes are still puffy and I'm

not sure Cindy does n't have snot in her eyebr ows. "We'r e not both going to the same place . I'm supp osed to meet some one and I'm alrea dy late." C indy's love life is starti ng to soun d more intere sting than mine.

Well, who am I kiddi ng? It's alway s been more intere sting. "Sam e chick you were with earlie r?" S he frown s at me. "Lesb ians do not refer to them selve s as 'chick s'. We are wom en and, well,

some times we're men. " " She's the dyke, right? " I get anoth er dirty look. "She' s actua lly quite beaut iful if you must know . She puts me to sham e." N ow is a perfe ct oppor tunity to make Cindy

more awar e of her own looks . "You have great bone struct ure, Cindy . Nice featur es. With a little effort, you could be gorge ous, too. If you let me work on you a little, I can help you get any wom an you

want. " H er face turns splot chy red. Cindy rises from her chair. "Is that supp osed to be some kind of comp limen t, Lou? A girl who has to wax her facial hair, and whos e hot new lover left her a note

this morni ng, shoul dn't be tellin g anyo ne how to get whoe ver they want. " C indy stom ps off and I'm not only stuck with the chec k, I'm stuck sittin g alone . I had that comi ng. Cindy has never

been insec ure about her looks . She does n't care about being attrac tive. She's more intere sted in a perso n's insid es than their outsi des. That' s why she was alway s my best friend . Even durin g my Sherr y years

. I could learn a thing or two from her. A nothe r drink soun ds good and I glanc e up to hail a waite r. I am confr onted by a tall drink of water in a leath er jacke t who make s me realiz e I'll alway s be

into a perso n's looks . I have beco me shall ow. That' s the sad truth. T erry slides into a chair acros s from me. He glanc es aroun d. "Whe re's Cindy ? I thoug ht she woul d be here. " F or a seco

nd, I get a vibe. It's almo st as if Terry is nervo us to be alone with me. After what we did toget her last night, I realiz e I'm being silly. Selfdoubt can still do a numb er with my head. It usual ly only

takes a long look in the mirro r to straig hten me out. " She had a date. You just miss ed her." H e tilts his head to one side and rubs his shoul der. A grima ce cross es his face. "I need ed to

talk to you about busin ess, so I gues s it's better that she's not here. " B usine ss? Do we really have to get right to that? How about a kiss, a smile , some thing that lets me know I didn't imagi

ne we had great sex last night, or rathe r, early this morni ng. Since I'm new at the actua l relati onshi p game , I play the "last night never happ ened " one that he's playi ng. "Hav e any hospi tal repor

ts come in on the creep I burne d last night ?" T erry shak es his head. "Noth ing. No one who matc hed the kind of guy we're looki ng for." I 'm disap point ed by the news . "May be he crawl

ed off some wher e and died. I torch ed him pretty good. " H e stare s acros s the table at me, his deepset, longlashe d blue eyes abse nt the prope r amou nt of lust I wish were there. "He's not dead,

Lou. Whe n I left your buildi ng this morni ng, Gus the door man was outsi de swee ping the sidew alk. He com ment ed to me that some one must have gotte n a hairc ut in front of the buildi ng. Ther e

was hair all over the sidew alk. I bagg ed it and took it in for analy sis." T he nearl y raw meat I ate for dinne r rolls aroun d in my stom ach. It wasn' t Dog Breat h's hair all over the sidew alk. What if the

analy sis ties the hair to me? How the hell do I expla in that? I paus ed while runni ng for my life to give my hair a trim? " So, that's why you want ed to see me?" I hope my quest ion will get

us on anoth er subje ct, a more perso nal one. No such luck. " I didn't talk to the lab until tonig ht. I was at the hospi tal all aftern oon. Lou, it was fucki ng weird . The analy sis repor ts that the hair was actua

lly wolf fur." A t least he didn't say wolf hair comb ined with my hair. Inste ad of sighi ng with relief, I lean forwa rd and put my elbo ws on the table. "I told you he think s he's a were wolf.

The mask he wore could have very well been made of real wolf fur. I read some wher e that practi cing lycan throp es often use actua l wolf fur to sum mon a transf ormat ion." T erry reach es forwa rd and grabs

my halfempt y water glass , takes a drink, and sets it back down . "That' s what the profil er said. It gives me the creep s." S o woul d findin g out that he slept with a were wolf

last night. I feel guilty that I must decei ve him. But lover s lie to each other about a lot of thing s, right? For exam ple, being faithf ul, being marri ed being huma n. " I hope I at least slowe d him down if I

didn't kill him. He might still need medi cal care for his injuri es at some point. We can hope anyw ay. That' s why you were at the hospi tal all aftern oon, right? Chec king thing s out?" T erry's gaze slides away . He

studi es my water glass again as if it holds all the secre ts of the world . "Actu ally, I had a coupl e of broke n ribs I had to have taken care of." I gasp . "Wha t happ ened ? Did you get hurt at work

?" H is face flush es. "No, not at work. " I kno w he has broth ers. He'd said he'd been at his paren ts' hous e when he calle d. "Let me gues s," I tease him. "A friend ly game of footb all

with your broth ers turne d deadl y." H e smile s and rubs his shoul der. "I got the crack ed ribs last night, Lou, or I gues s it was early this morni ng." I 'm trying to proce ss what he's tellin g me.

He was with me early this morni ng. Anot her vision of me elbo wing him in the ribs flash es throu gh my head. Oh, my God. " I hurt you." H e laugh s as if it's nothi ng, but it's some thing to me.

"Cind y was right. You are freaki shly stron g." M y face is on fire. I had hope d he'd be relivi ng our hot sex all day in his mind, and inste ad he was at the hospi tal havin g his ribs taped . To my knowl

edge, I have never sent one of my forme r lover s to the hospi tal the next day but then, I had never stuck aroun d long enou gh to find out. N ow I stare at the halfempt y water glass as if I find it as fasci

natin g as Terry did a minut e ago. "I gues s that's a real turnon," I say. H e laugh s again . "Let's go. I'll take you home ." I have to give him point s for brave ry. Unin hibite d sex with me is

obvio usly dang erous . Terry is willin g to be alone with me again but is he willin g to have sex with me again ? T erry stand s. I grab my beaut y bag and my coat. We walk from the steak hous e.

Terry' s El Cami no is still warm , which is good since I'm sure he's not brave enou gh to cuddl e with me. Clear plasti c and duct tape repla ce the glass on the pass enger side. I thoug ht last night had

one bright spot. That spot is gettin g darke r by the mom ent. W e don't spea k. I can't think of anyth ing to say in my defen se. Terry pulls up along the curb in front of my buildi ng a while later. Was I the

only one havin g a good time in bed? I had an orgas m with a man, which is a first for me. Shoul d I invite him up, or woul d that just be settin g myse lf up for reject ion? " I supp ose a repea t of

last night is out of the quest ion?" Ther e, I go ahea d and set myse lf up. H is hand is warm again st the back of my neck. I turn to look at him, expe cting him to pull me close and kiss me. Inste ad, he

says, "May be after the bruis es heal." I 'm bad in bed. No one woul d gues s that to look at me. Not even me. "I didn't realiz e you were n't havin g a good time." T erry gives my neck a

sque eze. It does n't make me flinch . He can be stron g and be gentl e. Why can't I? "I woul dn't say that, Kinip ski. Despi te the crack ed ribs and a few bruis es, I've been thinki ng about you all day."

A war m feelin g settle s in my stom ach then move s lower . "So I wasn' t that bad? " H e laugh s. "You were incre dible. I'm just not in good enou gh shap e to go anoth er round with you.

I'll have to buff up first." T erry is buff. Who do I have to sleep with? Supe rman ? Does Supe rman exist ? I didn't think that were wolve s exist ed at one time in my life. I've learn ed a lot since then.

" Ther e's anoth er reaso n we shoul d cool thing s down , Lou," Terry says, his tone serio us. I t had better be a good one or I might be traum atize d for life. "I'm listeni ng." H is thum b brush

es the side of my neck, sendi ng a little shive r throu gh me. "Wha t I said about it gettin g perso nal, I mean t that. It's harde r to do my job when my emoti ons are involv ed. Until we catch this weird

o, I don't think it's a good idea to be havin g sex." " You mean with anyo ne, or just each other ?" This is some thing I did even as Sherr y Billin gton. Joke when some one hurts my feelin gs. H e frown

s. "Just each other. " " Oh, that's good to know ." Abou t now is when I need to vacat e the El Cami no. My cool only lasts so long and then Sherr y break s throu gh with all her insec

uritie s and geeki ness. I shoul d be thank ful Terry has given me an out. It isn't smart for a were wolf to date a cop. Not if she has any selfprese rvatio n instin cts. I reach for the door. " Lou." Again ,

Terry' s touch is gentl e as he grips my arm. He pulls me back and kisse s me. If it's a good bye kiss, it's a damn good one. "Now you'r e just rubbi ng it in," I say again st his lips. H e laugh s and pulls away

. "Resi sting you is going to be a chall enge, Kinip ski." " You got that right. " And I inten d to make certai n Terry regre ts choo sing job over sex. I open the door and climb out. Terry will watc h me

until I get insid e. The buildi ng has good secur ity. Cam eras alert both the day and night shift door men about whoe ver is comi ng and going , and they never open the door to some one they don't know lives

in the buildi ng. Since I feel secur e, I put a little extra swing in my walk. C indy is still on her hot date, so I can't unloa d on her, or apolo gize for wanti ng to make her more attrac tive to the same sex. I take a show

er and go to bed. Whe n a girl has night mare s, going to sleep isn't a high priorit y. After an hour of tossi ng and turnin g, I mana ge to fall aslee p, and stay aslee p. I wake to the soun d of my

alarm . I reach to turn it off but some one beats me to it. I sit up, a screa m in my throat . C indy perch es on the edge of my bed. "I need your help." O nce I swall ow down the screa m, I shov e the hair

out of my eyes and throw the twiste d cover s back. "Cind y, you have a key in case I need you and the huma ne socie ty to interv ene on my behal f, not so you can just come and go as you pleas

e. Did it occur to you that I might not be alone ?" S he smile s. "I listen ed in on the monit or. I didn't hear extra snori ng or anyth ing." I turne d on the monit or befor e I went to bed in case I had

the night mare again . All I have to do is reme mber to turn it off when I have comp any and I plan to have comp any again . "So what do you need ?" " I've been thinki ng about what you said last

night. " I t does n't surpri se me that Cindy won't let that go. One of the thing s I admir e about her is that she stand s up for her belief s. "I shoul dn't have said that. I plann ed to apolo gize to you

today . You look great just the way you are." " I know ," Cindy says. "But last night I notic ed how my date kept gettin g hit on and stare d at, and I thoug ht, what the hell, it woul dn't kill me to

pluck my eyebr ows." " Dam n. Who is this wom an you will pluck your eyebr ows for? I've got to meet her." C indy shak es her head. "Not yet. I want to see if it's going to work out first. My battin g

avera ge hasn' t been too good lately ." A t least she has an avera ge. One up, one down ; not a good seas on for me, either . "Oka y, we'll get starte d right away . I'll get the twee zers

and the Vasel ine." " Soun ds kinky. " Cindy wiggl es her unibr ow. "Why are you alone this morni ng, by the way? Terry did pick you up, right? " I t's too early to talk about beati ng Terry

up in bed. "Put coffe e on while I get every thing toget her," I say, rising to searc h for the need ed beaut y tools. "I do have some , don't I?" " I broug ht some over with me," Cindy calls, head ed towar d my

kitch en. "It shoul d be ready . I'll get us a cup." W hile I have Cindy at the merc y of her wellhidde n vanit y, I decid e a facial is in order , mayb e even a mani cure and a pedic ure. Depe nds on how

long she can take the girlie stuff. " Here we go, nice and hot," Cindy says upon reent ering the bedro om. She holds two stea ming mugs . "I'm assu ming we'll do the tortur e in your bathr oom under the bright

lights ." " You assu me right, come in and sit on the toilet, we'll get starte d." " You do under stand that I could do this myse lf?" Cindy joins me under the bright lights . " I know , but the probl

em is that you won't ." I take my mug and have a sip. "You feel better when force d into good hygie ne. I reme mber your moth er had to yell at you sever al times to get you to even brush your teeth when I

spent the night. " P loppi ng down on my toilet seat, Cindy says, "You were all about looks even when you didn't have any. You'v e alway s want ed to be Barbi e." P lacin g my cup on the bathr oom

count er, I grab the twee zers and the Vasel ine and appro ach Cindy . "At least I didn't want to do Barbi e. Your folks shoul d have seen the fores hado wing when I had Barbi e and Ken and you had Barbi e and

Midg e, who now that I think about it was obvio usly gay." C indy tilts her face up and I smea r Vasel ine on her eyebr ows. "Midg e was a tomb oy, not a lesbi an." " Yeah , right. " " A few

freckl es and pigtai ls does not a lesbi an make ," Cindy insist s. "Alth ough my Midg e was defini tely hot for Barbi e." " I know , she hit on my Barbi e when your Barbi e wasn' t looki ng."

C indy laugh s, and I figure that's the last one I'll get from her for the rest of the morni ng. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 6 A

little truth wom en hate to admit .A man can make y ou feel good , then make you feel bad, but it only t akes anot her one to make you feel good again . C indy only allow ed

me a coupl e of hours of tortur e befor e she talke d me into takin g off for soup and salad at our favori te cafe. We'r e nearl y finish ed when I notic e Cindy 's gaze move acros s the room and dart back.

This happ ens sever al times befor e I rouse myse lf from a foodinduc ed stupo r and take a look for myse lf. Stefa n and Nata sha Som ethin gorot her sit acros s the room havin g coffe e. G reat.

Kick me while I'm down . I realiz e this is why Cindy hasn' t point ed out their prese nce. "You can stop doing that," I say. "I see them. And the only way to cheer me up now is if we can make fun of them.

" " Lou," Cindy warn s. "That' s about as matur e as fifth grade . I'm sure they'r e just discu ssing busin ess, so don't get your panti es in a wad." " Busin ess." I snort. "Prob ably more like a recon ciliati on.

Why does he alway s wear that orang e stocki ng cap? He know s I don't like it." C indy shrug s. "May be his head is just cold. It is winte r and he is bald." " He shav es his head. He is not bald,"

I snap. " So he says. " Cindy snort s. "I thoug ht you want ed to make fun of him." S he shoul d know me better . "I really want ed to just make fun of her." L eanin g back, Cindy sighs . "Give it a

rest, Lou. She's really nice if you'd take the time to get to know her." T hat state ment imme diatel y prick s my curio sity. "Whe n did you take the time to get to know her?" F umbli ng with a napki n,

Cindy wipes her mout h. I was going to tell her she had salad dress ing on her chin but figure d a girl who had snot in her eyebr ows last night woul d consi der it a minor offen se. "I've work ed with her,

reme mber ? She does n't like you beca use you'r e snott y to her." " I'm not snott y," I argue . "And it's hard to be nice to a girl who rubs it in that she's sleep ing with your man. " C indy's

brow s shoot up. I did a nice job on them. Her skin glows . She's fixed her hair and she really is a knoc kout. "Your man? I belie ve it's beca use he's been every one's man exce pt yours that you won't take

the relati onshi p to the next level. Stefa n and Nata sha only slept toget her once. She's a onenight stand . Show a little comp assio n." K ick numb er two, and from my best friend . Cindy really know

s how to preac h. Mayb e it come s natur al to her, like it does to her dad. I am curre ntly on the onenightstand list even if Terry says he does n't want it to be that way. How do I know that's not

what he says to every girl he sleep s with? Mayb e it's an excu se to keep from alien ating me since we're basic ally involv ed in a case toget her. Okay , a little comp assio n won't kill me. I glanc e towar

d Nata sha and find her looki ng at me. M y first instin ct is to arch my back and hiss. I smile inste ad and give her a wave . "See, I'm maki ng nice," I say throu gh my teeth. S tefan stare s at

me, too. He says some thing to Nata sha, grabs his cup, and rises from the table. The next thing I know , both are headi ng in our direct ion. " Shit," I mutte r. " Rem embe r, you said you'd be nice,"

Cindy says. I said that when we were talkin g about some point in the future . Twen ty years from now or some thing. I owe Cindy one for lettin g me tortur e her all morni ng. Truth is, some of the thing s I did to

her didn't have to hurt as much as they did. I took out my frustr ation about Terry on her. " Hi," I nearl y shout when Stefa n and Nata sha reach the table. B oth draw back as if startl ed. I decid e this could

be amus ing, if only for myse lf. "Sit down ," I urge them. "Wo w, imagi ne runni ng into you two here. Have you eaten ?" " No, well, yes, I ate earlie r," Stefa n says, takin g a seat acros s from

me. "Nata sha and I just met for coffe e. I aske d her to be part of an upco ming ski shoot in Verm ont." S tefan know s I hate to be cold, and I don't really like snow . I'm from Texa s and we didn't get much of it

in Have n. So why does it bothe r me that he hasn' t aske d me? Unde r norm al circu msta nces it woul dn't. I'm feelin g insec ure. " Soun ds like fun," I say, unabl e to keep up my earlie

r level of enthu sias m. " It does ?" Stefa n laugh s. "You hate cold weat her and snow , Lou." " Yes," I admit . "But I bet it's beaut iful in Verm ont." " It is." Nata sha spea ks up. "I love

to ski. I know the perfe ct little inn wher e we can stay durin g the shoot . I am friend s with the owne rs. They have famil y still in Russi a, like me." " Soun ds like fun," Cindy says. "Any chan ce I can come

along to do make up for the mode ls?" S tefan does n't answ er for a mom ent. I glanc e at him and find him starin g at Cindy . "You look differ ent," he finally com ment s. "I never notic ed what delic ate bone

struct ure you have, Cindy . Or how big and beaut iful your eyes are." C indy bats her lashe s. "Tha nk you, Stefa n. So, do I get to come ?" M y mout h may be hangi ng open in unattr activ

e fashi on. I've never seen Cindy do flirty. Espe cially with a man. " Sure, I'll count you in," Stefa n answ ers. "Wha t about you, Lou? You want in? I'm sure the adver tisers woul d be thrille d to have

you in the ad." N ow is when I have to decid e if I really want in, or if I just want to be aske d so I don't feel left out. I have n't drea med about Dog Breat h. Coul d he really be dead ? " Whe n?" I ask.

" A coupl e of week s." T hat gives me time to see if the night mare s have ende d for good, and if Kane finds out anyth ing else about Wen dy Unde rwoo d. " I'd like you to come ," Stefa

n says. T hose eyes. So dark and deep, like my favori te choc olate. How can I say no to Stefa n? My savio r. My friend . The man I have n't beat up in bed yet. At least in Stefa n's eyes, I'm still the

most perfe ct wom an on the plane t. "Oka y, I'll go." I f I'm not mista ken, I hear both Cindy and Nata sha groan their disap point ment. A fter two more night s witho ut night mare s, I allow myse

lf to belie ve I killed the mons ter. It was selfdefen se and he was killing wom en, so no guilt to follow me aroun d on this one. Its stran ge to think I will never suffer anoth er night mare with the killer' s passi

ng. Then it occur s to me that I've been drea ming about him for seve n years . D oes that mean he's been killing wom en for that long? I also realiz e my drea m settin gs have been differ ent place s.

Differ ent cities. Differ ent state s. I grab a notep ad and sit, trying to reme mber those early drea ms. After an hour of worki ng, I call Terry and tell him I need to talk to him. H e arrive s thirty

minut es later. I alerte d Gus that Terry woul d be comi ng and to let him in. Whe n I open the door to his knoc k and see Terry stand ing there, my heart does a lurch and my knee s go weak . He wear

s bagg y jeans and a formfitting Tshirt. His form looks damn good. Busin ess, I remin d myse lf. This meeti ng is about busin ess. " So, what have you got for me?" he asks. T here' s anoth er loade

d quest ion. "Com e in, I'll show you." I turn and walk to the sofa wher e my notep ad rests. I hear the door close and Terry joins me on the couc h. "I've been thinki ng about the killer. Abou t vision s that

I've had durin g the past seve n years . He's killed other wom en. Wom en in other state s. Not all of the victim s have been found . I thoug ht that toget her, we might give the victim s' famili es closu re

about their loved ones and what happ ened to them. " T erry glanc es up from my notes . "I don't know , Lou. What you have here is pretty vagu e. I need speci fics befor e I can dig aroun d in some one else's

jurisd iction ." I t's not like I see signs in my head. I could n't even read the tattoo on Dog Breat h's back shoul der. "I reme mber that one place wher e I saw him murd er a wom an had pictur es of

Elvis every wher e. It was like a shrin e and it was too chee sy to be anyth ing but a chea p hotel. " " Mem phis? " Terry sugg ests. " Can you chec k if a murd er happ ened in a hotel there that rese mble

s the murd ers that have happ ened here? She woul d have been a brune tte. All the wom en he's killed in my vision s have been brune ttes." T erry flexe s his shoul der bene ath his jacke t. "I'll dig aroun

d a little. See if I can come up with a matc h." N ow that the reaso n I aske d Terry to drop by has been set into motio n, the mom ent grow s awkw ard. "Wou ld you like coffe e? Herb al

tea?" " No, thank s," Terry answ ers, which is good since I have neith er. "I shoul d get going . Can I take your notes with me?" I nod. "You'l l let me know if you find anyth ing?" H e rises, so I do the same

. "I'll be in touch ." Terry walks towar d the door. Once he reach es it he turns back towar d me. "Lou, you know you'r e not out of dang er, right? Just beca use this creep hasn' t murd ered a wom an for a coupl e of

days does n't mean he's no longe r a probl em. You under stand that, right? " D eep insid e, I do know that. I figure real life is just like the movi es, and about the time you think the bad guy is dead,

he jump s out at you. "I under stand ," I say. "Gue ss I'll see you aroun d." " I'll be aroun d," he assur es me. "Stay alert to your surro undin gs. Until I have a body, I still consi der the man you blowt

orche d alive and dang erous . You had better do the same . In fact, I'd like you to chec k in with me daily. " I ntere sting. "Do you alway s go abov e and beyo nd the call of duty like this with

every one? " H e glanc es at the carpe t and runs a hand throu gh his hair befor e glanc ing back up. "You' re not just the job, Lou. You know that." I do know that. I also know that Terry' s right

and we have more impor tant issue s to deal with besid es sex. He's some one I woul d like to get close r to, but until I'm sure that Dog Breat h is dead, and until I know more about wher e I came from, and wher e I'm

going , I have to keep some dista nce betw een us. He turns and walks down the hall. I close the door and lean with my back again st it. T he door sudd enly burst s open and knoc ks me forwa rd.

Cindy stand s on the other side, her eyes wide. "Hey, what were you doing blocki ng the door like that? " R ubbin g the sore spot wher e the door bang ed my head, I say, "Hey, what are you doing just bargi ng in

here? Ever heard of knoc king? " " Sorry , too excit ed," she says, rushi ng into the living room. "My mom calle d today . She actua lly calle d like she said she woul d, and gues s what ? She want

s to see me. She want s me to come home ." I 'm stunn ed, and not just by the door hittin g me in the back of the head. "You' re going home ?" C indy plops down on my sofa. "I'm consi derin g it.

Ther e's a probl em. She hasn' t told my dad she's been in conta ct with me. She says I can't stay at the hous e." T here are no hotel s in Have n. Ther e is one groce ry store and a gas statio n.

And there used to be a barbe r shop. I can't imagi ne Clive walki ng away from his busin ess. From every thing. M oving to the couc h, I sit besid e Cindy . "She let your dad throw you out, Cindy . I'm

not sure runni ng home the minut e she sugg ests it is a good idea. Shoul dn't she suffer a little, like you'v e suffer ed?" T he happ y look on Cindy 's face fades . "She has suffer ed, Lou. We'v e

both suffer ed beca use of my dad's decisi on. Why can't you be happ y that she want s to see me?" W hy, indee d. Coul d it be the sudd en paral yzing fear I have that Cindy will leave me? "You won't stay,

will you?" I see the lightb ulb pop on in Cindy 's head. "Lou, " she says softly . "I could never live in Have n again . I've made my home here, with you. We'r e a team. I'm only talkin g about a short visit. I'll be

comi ng back. " R eliev ed, I lean my achin g head again st the couc h cushi ons. "The n you shoul d go. I know you'd love to see her." C indy leans back with me. "Yea h, but wher e will I stay? I

have n't kept in touch with anyo ne, and the fewer peopl e who know I'm in Have n, the less likelih ood that my dad will find out about my visit." N ow I get an idea. "You can stay at the Billin gtons '

hous e. They' re not there and I still have a key." C hewi ng her botto m lip, Cindy consi ders my sugg estio n. "I don't know . That woul d be weird ." I t woul d also give Cindy time to snoo p aroun

d the hous e and possi bly learn more about the Billin gtons ' disap peara nce. "You have to go," I decid e. "And you have to see if Clive and Norm a left any clues about wher e they went, or why." " I can do

some detec tive work for you?" T his is right up her alley. "Yea h," I answ er. "Now , when do you leave ?" S he grins. "I book ed a flight for day after tomor row. I'll stay in Texa s until the

Verm ont shoot and fly in and meet every one there. " T wo week s witho ut my sideki ck will be tough . "I'll help you pack. "

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 7 I tell myse lf I'm popul ar now. Most of the t ime I even belie ve it. If that's true, why do all the

p eople in my life keep runni ng away ? T he night mare is differ ent this time. Ther e's no wom an involv ed, no murd er. No sex or blood . Just him and his distor ted, burne d

face starin g at me, laugh ing at me, taunti ng me. I wake in the usual cold swea t, the cover s twiste d aroun d my legs. It's four in the morni ng, Cindy has gone to see her moth er, and there' s no one to comf

ort me. I climb out of bed and head for the kitch en. F ood will calm me. Cindy made sure we went to the groce ry store befor e she left. She had arrive d in Dalla s earlie r and had calle d to say her moth

er had drive n to the airpor t to pick her up, tellin g the good rever end she had a docto r's appoi ntme nt. I thoug ht Cindy might call me from Clive and Norm a's later this eveni ng, but no such luck. Open

ing the fridge , I decid e on a ham sand wich. I pour a big glass of milk with shaki ng hand s. Just beca use I saw Dog Breat h in my drea ms does n't mean he's still alive. The fact it was differ ent

from the usual night mare s allow s me to belie ve this one was simpl y a drea m. I keep tellin g myse lf that while I scarf down a sand wich and drink my milk. An hour later, I fall aslee p on the couc

h watc hing Court TV. The phon e wake s me. I fumbl e for the phon e I left lying on the sofa table. " Hello. " " Lou, do you have any idea wher e Cindy is?" S tefan soun ds like he

hasn' t had his Starb ucks yet. I glanc e at my watc h. It's seve n in the morni ng. "Do you know how early it is?" " Sorry , swee theart , but I have a shoot about to get under way and my make up artist calle d in

sick. One of my mode ls can't make it, either . I hope d Cindy could fill in for me." I have serio us morni ng brain fog. Coul d be beca use a night mare woke me up at four, and it took me an hour or two

to go back to sleep . "Sorr y, Cindy 's out of town. What kind of shoot ?" " Low budg et. Catal ogue stuff." I gave up catal ogue mode ling five years ago. The pay isn't that good and super mode ls

have certai n stand ards. "Any one new comi ng down the line who looks promi sing? " " A coupl e of girls. They could use some guida nce." H e's tricky . "Like some one who's been in the busin ess for a

while ?" H e laugh s. "You intere sted? " I have no desir e to sit aroun d thinki ng about the drea m or missi ng Cindy today . I need to work, and I don't care if it's work bene ath my usual stand

ards. "I'll fill in. Mayb e you can get Tina for make up. She's dece nt." " You'r e an angel . Tell you what, I can pick you up. You'r e on the way." S ince I told Terry I'd be cauti ous, I realiz e going to the shoot with

Stefa n woul d be safer than chan cing a cab ride. "Whe n will you be here? " " Twen ty minut es." U gh. I'm sure my eyes are puffy again . I'll brew myse lf a quick cup of tea and use the tea bags

to sooth e the puffin ess. "See you then. " T he catal ogue shoot has been good for me. It's taken my mind off my probl ems and allow ed me to be wors hiped and adore d like every super mode

l need s. I've been helpf ul to the other girls, offeri ng sugg estio ns about make up tips and natur al pose s. I've mode led every thing from under wear to bathr obes today , and by the time we finish

, I'm pleas antly exha usted . Stefa n sugg ests we get a bite to eat toget her. S ince I have no one to go home to, I gratef ully acce pt. We end up at a little Italia n resta urant off the beate n path.

Stefa n is obvio usly a regul ar. The staff treats him like royalt y. We'r e seate d at a roma ntic table for two in the back. Stefa n order s wine. I'm wond ering if this is a good idea. C andle light, wine, a

goodlooki ng man who clearl y adore s me? Soun ds like a recip e for troubl e. I'm still explo ring my feelin gs for Terry . Just beca use he confir med we shoul d only avoid sex with each other does n't mean

I shoul d run out and have it with the next avail able guy who come s along . Recal ling that Stefa n's been on the waitin g list for a long time is still no excu se. My reaso ns for resist ing have n't chan

ged. " How are thing s in Stefa n's world ?" I ask. H e glanc es up from his menu . "A little lonel y at the mom ent. Havin g a dry spell, I gues s." I taste the wine. It's a swee t red and warm on

my tongu e. "You might have to start at the botto m and work your way up again ," I sugg est dryly. "Or you could actua lly have a serio us relati onshi p with a wom an. That woul d be some thing

new and differ ent." S tefan smile s at me and sips his wine. "I'm waitin g for the right girl." His smile fades . His dark eyes stare into mine. "I've been waitin g for a while now." I need anoth er drink. Mayb e

some thing stron ger. The way he's looki ng at me, I have no doubt that I'm the girl he's waitin g for. His timin g to finally take off the glove s could n't be wors e. "You' ve alway s been a suck er for a

pretty face," I say quietl y. H e lifts his glass and swirls his wine. "I have to do some thing while I'm waitin g." G lanci ng at him from bene ath my lashe s, I say, "Most guys just take up golf." M y com

ment make s him laugh out loud. "I love your sens e of humo r, Lou. Most beaut iful wom en don't have one, you know . It's like a trade -off. Beau ty for perso nality , but you, you'v e got them both. " A nd a must

ache at times lately . I need to chan ge the subje ct. I have been harbo ring feelin gs for Stefa n for years , but now is not the time to finally explo re them. I've alway s imagi ned when we come clean with each

other, we'll come clean about every thing. I can't do that. I have n't been able to do that for six and a half years . Mayb e I'll never be able to. At least not witho ut the answ ers I need about myse lf. T he waite

r appe ars with bread sticks and Stefa n and I order spag hetti and meat balls. We both reach for a bread stick. Our finger s brush and I can't ignor e the surge of electr icity. It's alway s been betw een us. Defini

tely time for a subje ct chan ge. I snatc h my hand back, but of cours e not witho ut a bread stick clutc hed betw een my finger s. " Cath erine Shaw show ed a lot of promi se today . She has great skin." H e salut

es me with his glass in ackn owle dgme nt of the subje ct chan ge. "Gre at skin. Small breas ts. I told her today a little cleav age woul d take her a long way. She said she'd conta ct a plasti c surge

on next week ." S tefan carrie s a lot of weig ht in the indus try. Too much , mayb e, I'm thinki ng. "Do you feel right about askin g wom en to go under the knife to furthe r their caree rs? I woul dn't. So

she has small breas ts. Why shoul d that really be a factor in mode ling? A lot of wom en have small breas ts. I'm sure they woul d appre ciate seein g outfit s on some one built more realis tically ." H is

gaze move s up and down me. "You' re not built like the avera ge wom an, Lou. Wom en woul d kill to look like you. Goin g under the knife is a small price to pay for perfe ction. " S ince I wasn' t

alway s built like this, and even thoug h the transf ormat ion was not one of my choo sing, I figure I shoul d shut up about this partic ular issue . Rem embe ring what it was like to be Sherr y Billin gton

remin ds me that it's hard to meas ure up to the wom en featur ed in maga zines and movi es. It's unfair really for youn g wom en to think they have to look like those wom en to get what they want in

life, or be worth y of gettin g it. I need more wine. " This is good, " I say, raisin g my glass for anoth er sip or two or three. S tefan smile s indul gentl y at me. I'm sure he does n't mind if I get

plast ered. The better to take adva ntage of me. Stefa n has a nice build, but he's not buff like Terry . I woul d squis h him like a bug. But what about a kiss? Woul d one kiss hurt anyth ing? Woul d a kiss

revea l my true feelin gs for Stefa n? Are they real, or have I made them more than what they are? B y the time Stefa n drops me off at my buildi ng, walks me in and rides the eleva tor to floor ten

with me, I've sober ed up enou gh to recon sider a kiss. Our eveni ng toget her was fun, playf ul, and just what I need ed. A kiss might ruin the whol e night. What if Stefa n isn't a good kisse r?

Som etime s it's better to wond er than to know for a fact. Not that he does n't have refer ence s, and plent y of them. Okay , for sure I shoul dn't kiss him. I turn to him at the door. "It's been fun. Than

k you for takin g me to dinne r and for involv ing me in the catal ogue shoot . I'm exha usted . I shoul d be able to sleep tonig ht." H e leans towar d me, restin g his arm on the doorf rame. "I've got some thing

to help you sleep . Don't you think it's time, Lou? " H is scent invad es my nostri ls and clogs ration al thinki ng. I shak e my head to regai n my sens es. "Tim e for what ?" H e runs a

finger down my nose. "You know what. We'v e been havin g forepl ay for six and a half years . Aren' t you ready to get down to busin ess?" S tefan press ed again st me, starin g down with those dark, hypn otic

eyes, is hard to resist . But can I really sleep with one guy, then turn aroun d two night s later and sleep with anoth er? Woul dn't that make me too much like a man? I don't want to be just anoth er of Stefa n's

conq uests . I don't want him to be one of mine. W hat we have is speci al. Or that's what I've been tellin g myse lf all these years anyw ay. Every girl drea ms of a knigh t in shini ng armo r. Stefa n has

been mine, but deep down , I'm afraid he will let me down . I'm afraid he'll prove that he's just anoth er man. " No," I say softly . "I'm not ready . Our friend ship and our worki ng relati onshi p mean too much

to me to mess it up with a quick roll in the hay." T he sens uous smile on Stefa n's mout h fades . Very serio usly, he asks, "Who said it woul d be quick ?" I laug h, thank ful for a break in the

tensi on betw een us. "Oka y, 'quick ' wasn' t the right word. I've heard about your sexu al prow ess in bed. One girl or anoth er is alway s talkin g about it." H e flinch es. "Ouc h. You know , it

will only take the right wom an to make me give up all my bad habit s." I 'm not fallin g for his lines. I hear he's good at those , too. "Hap py hunti ng." A gains t my better judg ment, I lean forwa rd and

kiss him on the chee k. He turns his head and our lips touch . We stay that way for a mom ent, neith er pullin g away . We stare at each other until his lashe s lower , his mout h move s again st

mine, and the cell in my beaut y bag rings. I jump and step away . Divin e interv entio n? I dig in my bag, pull out my cell, and see by the caller ID that it's Cindy . "I have to take this," I say. "Ah,

thank s for a wond erful eveni ng." H e sighs . "One of these days we're going to have to talk about us, Lou." He turns and walks away . I watc h him, my cell ringin g over and over. He reach

es the eleva tor and push es the butto n. It open s and he steps insid e. He's gone. The mom ent is gone. I unloc k the door while answ ering the phon e. " Hi, Cindy ." " Hey, what took you so

long to answ er?" " What took you so long to call me?" I ask in turn. " I spent the day with my mom. I just now had a chan ce." I imm ediat ely feel guilty that I think I am the cente r of Cindy

's unive rse when she's deali ng with a reuni on with her moth er after a three -year separ ation. "Sorr y, Cindy . How' d it go?" S he sighs . "A little force d at first, but by the end of the day

we were laugh ing and talkin g about old times . It was great, Lou. Of cours e she had to go home to Dad and I'll have to wait to see her again until she make s up an excu se to get out the hous

e." C indy's mom shoul d stand up to her dad, but I gues s one step at a time. "That' s wond erful, Cindy . I'm so happ y for you." S ilenc e for a mom ent. "Lou, it's weird being here. " C radlin g the phon

e betw een my ear and neck, I lock up and move to the couc h. "Hav en is nothi ng like New York. I figure d it woul d seem even small er to you, now that you'v e lived in the city." " Not Have n,

Lou, your old hous e. They didn't take anyth ing. Ther e's still food in the pantr y. Milk that's two years old in the refrig erato r. Their cloth es are still in the close t." T he hair on the back of my neck

prickl es. "Thei r car isn't in the garag e, is it?" " No, it's gone. I chec ked after I saw all the stuff still in the hous e." T his news greatl y distur bs me. Again , this is out of chara cter for Clive and

Norm a. I hope they'r e not in the hous e dead. "You' ve chec ked every thing out, right? " " Yeah , Lou, no dead bodie s if that's what you mean . I did find some thing in your old room. " I 'm on the edge

of my seat. Litera lly. "Wha t?" " An envel ope with your name on it." M y heart miss es a beat. "Did you open it?" " Of cours e not," Cindy says with an indig nant snort. "I'll bring it when I meet

you in Verm ont." V ermo nt isn't for two more week s. I can't wait that long. Cindy is the one perso n I've never kept secre ts from. "Ope n it, Cindy ," I instru ct. "Rea d it to me." " You'r e sure? " "

I'm sure. " I take a calmi ng breat h while listeni ng to Cindy fumbl e with the envel ope. A mom ent later, she clear s her throat . ' "Dear Sherr y. If you'r e readi ng this, you'v e come home .

Leav e imme diatel y. You'r e in dang er. They' re looki ng for you. We acce pted the mone y they offere d to adopt you, to take care of you, alway s under stand ing that some day they woul d come

for you. They said you are speci al. They said not to get too close to you. We tried, but over the years , we came to care for you, Sherr y. We came to love you. You'r e not like the other s. We know you

have a good heart. You'r e not a mons ter. Chan ge your name if you have n't. Stay away from Have n. Stay safe. We must go. We fear for our lives. We know too much . Follo w the signs we left you."

S ilenc e. I'm in shoc k. Tears strea m down my chee ks, the word s "we love you" echoi ng in my head. A decla ration of love is late in comi ng, but even so, for one brief mom ent, I feel a mom

ent of pure joy. Then I focus on the rest of the note. " Lou, are you okay ?" Cindy 's voice echo es. She soun ds like she's in a tunne l. " A bit much to take in," I respo nd. And it is. I wish I had

the note in front of me to read again . "It does n't make a lot of sens e," I say. " No, it does n't," Cindy agree s. "But they made one thing clear, Lou. You'r e in some type of dang er." T hat's nothi ng

new. Not lately . Who am I in dang er from? Who are the Billin gtons afraid of? What freaki n' signs ? " Ther e's more. " I snap out of my shoc k. "Mor e in the note? " " No, some one

has come in here and rifled throu gh thing s, Lou. Mostl y in Clive and Norm a's room. Pape rs and stuff." A chill races throu gh me. "You need to get out of there, " I realiz e. "Now ." " We'r e going

," Cindy assur es me. "I'll grab a few of your thing s, and we're gone. " I t dawn s on me that Cindy said "we." " Who' s with you?" S ilenc e. " Oh, my gosh, " I say. "You took your girlfri

end with you." " She's here in the hous e wanti ng to leave . I'm in the bathr oom so I could talk to you in privat e." I can't deal with the note right now, or with the fact some one has been in the hous

e looki ng aroun d for infor matio n. I can deal with Cindy 's perso nal life. "Wha t'd your mom think of that? " " She likes her," Cindy says in a quiet voice . "I need ed moral supp ort to make this trip.

And I made this trip for you just as much as me, reme mber ?" I 'm not going to argue with Cindy about the issue at the mom ent, and really , is it any of my busin ess that she took her girlfri end home

to meet her moth er? It does sting a little. Cindy and I have alway s been each other' s moral supp ort. " Look, I have to go, Lou. I'll get some of your stuff and have it for you when we meet in Verm

ont. We'll go back to Dalla s tonig ht and get a hotel, and tomor row, I'll ask Mom if we can stay with them. She has to tell Dad I'm here at some point. " D espit e being a little freak ed out, I

say, "I hope it work s out for you, Cindy . Whe n are you going to tell me your friend 's name ?" " Verm ont, mayb e," Cindy answ ers. "We'll see how thing s go while we're here. " " Chec k back

in as soon as you can," I say. "And good luck with your folks. " " Cindy out." E ven thoug h I'm in shoc k, her coplik e good bye make s me smile for a minut e. I sit and think about the note for a while. Who

are the "they " I might be in dang er from? How much do the Billin gtons know ? Wher e are they? Wher e is Wen dy Unde rwoo d? I'll have to put Morg an on the Billin gtons ' trail, even if I don't want to. I rack my

brain trying to figure out what signs the Billin gtons spok e of in the note. Nothi ng. I get nothi ng. Abou t now I wish I really was psyc hic. M oving into the bedro om, I go to the bathr oom and turn on the show

er. I'm now thinki ng about Dog Breat h. If he's like me, he might heal quickl y, but bad burns to the face woul d put him out of com missi on for a while. Mayb e he isn't dead. Mayb e he's just lying low until he

looks huma n again and can attrac t wom en. If he's alive, he'll start killing again . And I'm proba bly the first wom an he's comi ng after. I'm in dang er from an unkn own sourc e, and I'm in dang er from

a killer. That shoul d help me sleep . C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 8 G irls just want to have fun a nd live to tell abou

t it the next day. T erry calls the next morni ng. He need s to talk to me about some files he's been looki ng throu gh and picks me up in front of my buildi ng an hour later. The wind ow is fixed in the

El Cami no. I'm gettin g a little attac hed to the car. And the driver . Toda y I wear Gap jeans and a Luck y Tshirt. I tried to dress down since Terry' s not really into fashi on. And this is busin ess. What I'm wond

ering is why he didn't just bring the files with him. Is he consi derin g going back on his word ? " I appre ciate this," he says while he drive s. "I woul d have just gathe red it up and broug ht it

with me, but if the files stay in one place , there' s less likelih ood of losin g the infor matio n insid e of them. " I s he a mind reade r? I flip my hair and smile . "Of cours e," I say, like I knew that.

"Liste n, I hope this won't take long. I promi sed Kare n we'd shop today ." " Shoul dn't take too long," he respo nds. "Whe n we're finish ed, I'll give you a lift to wher ever you need to go." B eside

s shop ping, Kare n has also agree d to go to Fred die Z's with me tonig ht. I need to put Morg an on the trail of the Billin gtons and don't want to wait until Mond ay to spea k with him. " That will be great. Than

ks," I say. Turni ng towar d him, I stare at his profil e. He has a great jawline. Squa re and masc uline. He looks a little nervo us under my scruti ny. "Wha t type of files do you want me to look at?" I ask. "

Missi ng wom en," he answ ers. That tip you gave me, about the sleaz y hotel with all the Elvis pictur es, it paid off. It's a dump calle d Heart break Hotel in Mem phis. A wom an was killed there in the

same style. Som ethin g came up in the Wash ingto n area, too. And there' s a hell of a lot of missi ng wom en all the way from Dalla s to New Jerse y who rese mble you, Lou. Brun ettes. Youn g. Som e

pretty and some not so pretty ." T his is one insta nce when I wish I had been wron g, but I knew I woul dn't be since I've been havin g the night mare s for seve n years . Too bad this wasn' t just a ploy

to get me into bed again . I'm still a little shoo k up from my phon e conv ersati on with Cindy last night. I'll have to suck it up and look at the files. I feel some how respo nsibl e for the killer' s victim s. T

he ride to Terry' s place isn't far. He lives in an apart ment buildi ng on Fiftyseve nth. The buildi ng isn't nearl y as nice as mine and I have to climb three flight s of stairs . Once we reach his apart ment,

he unloc ks the door and escor ts me insid e. T he first thing I notic e is that the place is clean . I figure d a bach elor cop who is at work more than he's home woul dn't care too much about being

tidy, but I'm pleas ed to find Terry prove s me wron g. His living room furnit ure is black leath er, tastef ul and yet masc uline. The entire apart ment has polis hed hard wood floors and bright area rugs. I glanc e in the

kitch en. No dirty dishe s in the sink. " Want a beer or some thing ?" " A soda woul d be great. " " Make yours elf comf ortabl e on the couc h. The files are there on the table next to it.

I'll grab our drink s." I sit and take the first of sever al files stack ed on an end table next to me. The file conta ins the photo of a wom an missi ng in the Okla homa City area. I don't recog

nize her from my drea ms. That does n't mean she isn't a victim . I realiz e some times the wom en in my drea ms aren't at their best. Hair tousl ed, nake d in bed with a man who inten ds to rip

their throat s out durin g orgas m. That is a very differ ent imag e from a photo proba bly suppl ied by a conc erned famil y mem ber. " Reco gnize her?" Terry sets our drink s on coast ers and settle s

besid e me. " No." I put the folder aside , reach for my soda, take a sip, and repla ce the glass on the coast er. "I like your place ," I say, glanc ing aroun d. T erry laugh s. "It's nothi ng like

yours , but thank s. My mom decor ated for me. She says I have no taste. " N ot sure that's a comp limen t to me, but I don't say anyth ing. "I think it's great that you'r e so close to your famil y." "

Som etime s it's great, " he agree s. "Som etime s it's a pain in the ass." I laug h, even thoug h I'm thinki ng being part of a lovin g famil y, a norm al famil y, could never be anyth ing but wond erful. I pick

up anoth er file and get a jolt. " She's one of the victim s," I say. The reaso n I recall this partic ular drea m and this partic ular girl so vividl y was beca use of the locati on. I wasn' t in a hotel room. I was in a car.

The back seat. "This wom an was murd ered in the back seat of her car. She's still in the car wher ever it may be." T erry grabs a pen and notep ad and write s down the infor matio n. I go throu gh six

more folder s befor e I see anoth er victim I recog nize. This one is from Virgin ia. The reaso n she's still missi ng is beca use she was murd ered in a wood ed area. Again , in the back seat of her car.

I'm sick to my stom ach. it was one thing when I thoug ht the drea ms were about me, beca use I woul d wake up and know it was just a night mare. Now I know differ ently and looki ng at the photo s only bring s

back the brutal ity of the crime s com mitte d again st the victim s. " I can't look at any more, " I tell Terry , placi ng the folder aside . "This victim was murd ered in a wood ed area, I reme mber

there being a dam and a reser voir in the vision . Rem embe ring make s me sick." " That' s enou gh for today ," he says, starin g at me with conc ern etche d acros s his hand some face. "I appre ciate you takin

g a look, Lou. You were right. Thes e wom en's famili es need closu re. You'r e doing a good thing. " I 'm not sure he's right. I mean , he is right about the victim s' famili es needi ng closu

re, but I'm wond ering if their loved ones woul d still be alive if they didn't in some way rese mble me. But mayb e it has to do with the fact that I rese mble them. Mayb e this creep came after me beca use I

fit his criteri a. It's confu sing. Think ing about the conn ectio n gives me a head ache. " Wher e do you need me to take you?" he asks. " Let me call Kare n and see wher e she want s to start. I imagi ne Jimm

y Choo since she boug ht out Mano lo Blahn ik last time we were out." T erry gives me a blank look. "You do know you'r e spea king anoth er langu age." I laug h, which feels good after all the sober ing

thing s going on in my life at the mom ent. "May be I'll buy you some thing today ," I decid e. "May be a Prad a dress shirt." T erry indic ates his Tshirt and jeans . "Do I look like the kind of guy who' d

wear a desig ner dress shirt? " " You'd look hot in Prad a," I insist. "May be an Italia n silk in cherr y red." H e flinch es like I sock ed him. Whic h isn't funny . Then he leans close r and asks, "Kno

w what you look best in, Kinip ski?" I figur e this is anoth er loade d quest ion, but I bite. Then I have to wond er if I really do bite. I look at his neck for teeth mark s and thank fully don't see any. "Wha

t?" " Nothi ng." H is mout h is within kissin g dista nce. Mayb e the files were n't the only reaso n Terry invite d me over. "You look good in that, too," I say. "May be we shoul d chan ge." H is

mout h come s a little close r. He sudd enly groan s and pulls back. "I knew this woul dn't be a good idea. You and me alone in a place that has a bed. We might have to stick to coffe e shop s to discu ss

busin ess." P art of me might be ready to jump Terry again , but part of me is gunshy. Not shy of his gun, but shy of sendi ng him to the hospi tal again . He remo ves the optio n by remo ving hims elf.

He grabs our empt y glass es and head s for the kitch en. " Need to use the little girl's room befor e we go?" D o you have one? I ask. "I figure d you just had a little boy's room. " I hear him laugh

from the kitch en. "The big boy's room is first door to the left in the hallw ay." I 'm shall ow enou gh to want to see the bathr oom. If there are any fungi, my infatu ation with Terry is over. I'm just

weird about those thing s. I find the bathr oom and call Kare n from insid e. Just as I susp ected , she want s to meet at Jimm y Choo on Fifth Aven ue. I hang up and scout out the bathr oom in searc

h of fungi. Luck y for Terry , there isn't any. Once I leave the bathr oom, I snoo p in his bedro om. A pictu re of a beaut iful suns et hang s abov e his kingsized bed. The room is paint ed steel

y gray with a black beds pread and curtai ns. His dress er is scatt ered with an assor tment of pictur es. One is of him and a coupl e of guys who rese mble him enou gh that they must be his broth ers. I

pick up a pictur e of an older coupl e I assu me are his paren ts. They look nice. I rejoin Terry in the living area. " Read y?" I grab my beaut y bag, glanc ing at the files still restin g on his end table.

I need some fun. K aren is a marat hon shop per and my dogs are yelpi ng by the time we finish shop ping, have dinne r, and head to Fred die Z's. The place is pack ed but we have no

troubl e gettin g past the lines. I might play my looks down when I'm out and about , but not Kare n. She's alway s on the runw ay. We walk past men who whistl e and wom en who wish they could kill us

with a singl e dirty look. Once insid e we're greet ed by the loude st rock and roll musi c I have ever heard . I shuff le towar d a spot wher e I can see the band. Morg an sings , he's playi ng a

real guitar , and he's pretty damn good. He wear s the cowb oy boots as usual , and tonig ht he's shirtl ess, altho ugh I see what might be a Tshirt hangi ng from one of his back pock ets. His tight pants are slung

down low on his hips. The nippl e ring flash es with the strob e lights . " You say you know that guy?" Kare n stand s next to me, starin g at Kane , who is doing a fine rendit ion of "Hote l Califo

rnia." " Yeah , he's, well, kind of a friend of mine, " I shout over the noise . A waitr ess appe ars and hand s us two drink s. I can't belie ve Kare n had time to get to the bar and order . The line at the

bar is as long as the line outsi de to get in. "Did you order ?" I ask her. " Of cours e not," she says. "I never buy my own drink s." W e take the drink s and the waitr ess nods towar d a

coupl e of loser s who grin like a fivedollar drink is going to get them in our panti es. " Com e on," Kare n says, movi ng towar d the loser s. " Huh? Pleas e tell me we are not going to join them.

" " They have a table. I'm not stand ing aroun d all night. My feet hurt." S he has a point. My feet hurt, too. I follow . The two men who sent us drink s nearl y upset the table in their excit emen

t to seat us. Introd uctio ns are made . Kare n gives fake name s. I'm Sunn y and she's Velm a Sue. The men are Bill and Geor ge. Bill has a reced ing hairli ne and Geor ge has an overb ite. Neith

er have a perso nality . I let Kare n make small talk and turn my attent ion to Morg an. T he way he pump s his guitar while plucki ng out the tune to "Hote l Califo rnia" is well, it's damn sexy. Ther

e's a group of wom en stand ing belo w the stage screa ming. Cindy was right. This is a guy who does n't have a probl em gettin g girls. That make s me wond er if I'll have troubl e gettin g a chan ce to spea

k to him. T he waitr ess who broug ht our drink s paus es befor e the table and asks if every one is set. Anot her round is order ed even thoug h I've only had one sip of my drink. I excu se myse

lf and follow the waitr ess, catch ing up to her when she paus es beca use the area aroun d the bar is pack ed. T appin g her on the shoul der, I ask, "Doe s the band take a break and could I get a mess age

to Morg an?" S he laugh s. "Yea h, they break in about fiftee n minut es, but hone y, you'll have to take a numb er to see him." I open my beaut y bag and pull out a fifty. "Will this get him a

mess age? " S he blinks . "Sure , hone y. Here' s a pad and pen." I scrib ble off a note and hand it to her along with the fifty. I'm not that excit ed to go back to Bill and Geor ge, so I walk

aroun d. Like the last time I visite d the club, the soun ds, sight s, and scent s get to me, but as I watc h coupl es move on the danc e floor, I realiz e they don't care about the swea t, or the

noise , or anyth ing else. They' re lost either in each other or in the musi c. F or the first time, I under stand what Morg an does when he's on stage . He provi des relea se from every thing else going on in

these peopl e's lives. He gives them an esca pe from the daytoday. I long to find that esca pe, if only for a little while. I 'm draw n to the danc e floor and find myse lf amon g the danc ers, movi

ng to the musi c. It does n't matte r that I'm danci ng alone , the floor is so crow ded no one will know , or care. S wayin g to the musi c, eyes close d, I forget my troubl es. I heard Kane sing that first day I

visite d his office , but I was so freak ed out by the sight of him playi ng air guitar and danci ng aroun d, I didn't pay much attent ion to the voice . I pay attent ion now. K ane's voice is a cross betw een Rob

Thom as and Brya n Ada ms. Ther e's just enou gh grittin ess in it to be sexy. I move deep er into the crow d, close r to the stage . Befor e I know it, I'm stand ing with the group ies, starin g up

at Kane like he's some kind of god. H e walks to the edge of the stage and sings down to his adori ng fans, spots me, and nearl y forget s the word s. I smile over that. He bend s and exten ds his hand to

me. I stare blank ly at it for a mom ent. A girl nudg es me. "Tak e it!" she shout s. I do. The next thing I know , I'm hefte d up on stage . Kane sings to me, but I have no idea what I'm supp

osed to do exce pt stand there like an idiot. A mom ent later the mode ling traini ng kicks in and I strut my stuff. The crow d goes wild. K ane rubs again st me a time or two and gets in my face

to blast out his song. I realiz e the song has chan ged and he now sings Billy Joel's "Upto wn Girl." That make s me laugh . It's not very rock and roll, but the crow d is in the mom ent and so am I. This

is what I do. And altho ugh Kane inves tigate s besid es singi ng with a band, I realiz e this is what he does, too. We entert ain. T he song ends and Kane shout s to the crow d that the band is

takin g a break . He grabs my arm on the way past and, laugh ing, we walk offsta ge. " I thoug ht this wasn' t your kind of place , cupc ake," he says. "Wha t are you doing here? " S till high

from actua lly havin g fun, I answ er, "I need to talk to you. It can't wait until Mond ay." M organ hand s his guitar to anoth er band mem ber and leads me down a dark hallw ay, past a set of doors

, and we're sudd enly outsi de in a back alley. It's cold and he's not weari ng a shirt. " You'r e going to freez e to death out here, " I tell him. H e shrug s, reach es into his back pock et and pulls

the Tshirt out, slippi ng it over his head. It has the band name scra wled acros s the front and I have a flash of Lisa Keller . Kane then reach es down and retrie ves a pack of cigar ettes and a lighte r from

his boot. He lights up. "I alway s come out here durin g break to cool down and have a smok e. What' s going on that you have to come slum ming, cupc ake?" " My friend Cindy went home this week

end and she was going to chec k on the Billin gtons for me. They' ve disap peare d. Up and left every thing behin d. I want you to expa nd your searc h to inclu de findin g them. " K ane stare s at

me throu gh a haze of cigar ette smok e. His eyes narro w. "Why woul d they cut out like that and leave every thing behin d?" G ood quest ion. I can't tell Kane the truth. I can only tell him a portio n of the

note' s conte nts. "Cind y said they' d left me a note. The impre ssion I get is that the adopt ion might not have been entire ly legal. Som ethin g they could have gotte n in troubl e for." " Baby black mark

et?" I shru g. "Coul d be. Som ethin g wasn' t on the upandup. They may have infor matio n on Wen dy Unde rwoo d, unles s you'v e alrea dy found some thing on her." H e shak es his

head. "That wom an does n't want to be found . It's like she dropp ed off the face of the earth after she left the lab." E veryo ne in my life seem s to be dropp ing off the face of the earth. "May be the Billin

gtons won't be as caref ul about cover ing their track s." H e throw s his cigar ette on the groun d and snuff s it out with a cowb oy boot. "It's why these peopl e in your life feel like they have to cover

their track s that has me curio us. You'r e sure you'r e tellin g me every thing ?" " I'm tellin g you every thing I know ," I lie. "If both Wen dy Unde rwoo d and the Billin gtons were involv ed in some type of

baby sale, they could all get in troubl e, could n't they? " " Yeah , they could ," he agree s. "You do reme mber it will be anoth er thirty grand to find your adopt ive paren ts?" N ow I don't feel bad about

lying to Morg an. I'm payin g a lot for the privil ege. "I reme mber. " " Leav e me infor matio n about the Billin gtons on my mach ine. First name s, famil y mem bers. Wher e they'r e origin ally

from. " P roble m is, I don't have much infor matio n on the Billin gtons . I'll think about it hard and try to come up with some thing. " Got to get back to work, " he says. "Wan t to stick aroun d? I'll buy you a

drink when we finish for the night. " F unny, I want Terry to forget we're all busin ess, and I want Kane to reme mber it. "No, thank s. As soon as I find the girl I came with, I'm headi ng out." H e

flash es the dimpl es. "Your loss, cupc ake. I perso nally think you need to have more fun." H e's right. I do need to have more fun, but with were wolf outbr eaks, murd erers on the loose , and unan swer ed

quest ions, it's diffic ult. For one brief mom ent onsta ge with Kane , I had fun. I forgot every thing and allow ed myse lf to live in the mom ent. I gues s I owe him for that. Then I reme mber I'm payin g him

sixty grand if he finds all the partie s I want found . " Let's go. It's been a long day." M organ open s the door and I follow him insid e. He has a nice ass. I'll give him that. His band buddi es are poise

d at the stage entra nce, drinki ng and flirtin g with group ies. I'll wage r most of those wom en are waitin g to talk to Morg an. I won't cram p his style, and keep walki ng once we reach the stage entra

nce. I 'm back out on the danc e floor a mom ent later. A disk jocke y plays old rock and roll tunes . I make my way throu gh the danc ers until I leave one crow d and join anoth er. Getti

ng back to the table wher e I left Kare n might take me a good thirty minut es. As I work my way throu gh the crow d, a scent sudd enly tease s me, barel y notic eable comb ined with all the other scent s

body odor, perfu me, men' s colog ne, beer. It draw s me up short. It's him. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 1 9 W hoev er coine d the

phra se "what you don't know can't hurt you " was an idiot. M y gaze darts franti cally to the right and left in front and behin d me. Peopl e. They' re every wher e. I close my eyes and focus on

the scent and which direct ion it's comi ng from. It wafts in and out, teasi ng me. Abou t the time I decid e I imagi ned it, I catch anoth er whiff. In front of me. I think that's the direct ion the scent come

s from. I move forwa rd hunti ng. D irectl y ahea d, I see a man walki ng away , his arm drape d aroun d a girl with long dark hair. He wear s a thin musc le shirt, the style that show s most

of the back s of both shoul ders. A word is tattoo ed acros s the left one. The shirt cover s all but the letter s I N E S. I try to catch up, but the bottle neck of peopl e gathe red aroun d the bar hold me back.

He's head ed towar d the front entra nce, which mean s he's on his way out. Since I have freaki sh upper body stren gth, I figure now is a good time to use it. I start shovi ng my way throu gh the crow

d. F oul langu age explo des aroun d me. I send one poor guy crash ing into the bar wher e the shatt er of glass says he's overt urned sever al drink s. More cussi ng. I keep movi ng. The man in the T-

shirt is almo st to the door. I can't let him get away . What if it's him? What if the darkhaire d girl is his next victim ? A hand grips my arm. I try to twist free. " Lou? Wher e the hell you been, girl? I've been

looki ng for you." K aren' s nails dig into my arm. I try to shak e her off but she holds on. "Whe re's the damn fire? Hold up, Lou." " Let go!" I growl the word s. "He's gettin g away !" " Huh? "

Kare n relea ses me. I shov e my way throu gh peopl e and finally reach the door. The darkhaire d girl stand s talkin g to anoth er girl. I glanc e aroun d. No sign of the guy with the tattoo . Since I don't see

him, I assu me he went outsi de. I do the same . T he line is short er now to get in. I race past it, looki ng at faces illumi nated by the flashi ng sign abov e the door of Fred die Z's. I reach the street

and glanc e in both direct ions. Ther e are peopl e walki ng down the street , but I don't see a guy in a musc le Tshirt. " Lou, what' s wron g? Who' s gettin g away ?" K aren huffs as she spea ks

beca use she's wind ed from chasi ng after me. I don't know what to say. Then I reme mber the girl. I'll quest ion her about the guy I thoug ht she was leavi ng with. Witho ut expla ining to Kare n, I

walk back to the entra nce. The big black door man block s my way. " You come out, you get back in line to get in," he infor ms me. T his calls for quick thinki ng and serio us flirtin g. I bat my

lashe s at him. "I left my purse in there. I just want to go back in real quick and get it." H e eyes my big beaut y bag. " It's a little purse that I keep in my big purse ." " You yanki ng me?" "

Lou, I thoug ht we were going ." Kare n now stand s besid e us. " I left some thing insid e," I expla in. "This nice gentl eman was just about to let me go back to get it." " Well, hurry up," Kare n snap s. "I

want to go home ." T he door man glanc es betw een the two of us and sighs . "Go on," he tells me. " I'll get the car," Kare n calls. I scra mble past him. Once insid e, I expe ct to see the

girl wher e she was when I left. She's gone, and so is the girl she was talkin g to. I move a few feet, looki ng aroun d. I don't see her anyw here. Not that I woul d spot her easily in this pack ed place . Shit. It

could take me all night to track her down . I might never track her down the way the crow d mills aroun d. W ho know s if the guy with the tattoo was him? Lots of guys have tattoo s. I don't know

if the scent I caug ht was real or simpl y a produ ct of my subc onsci ous. What I don't know can't hurt me. Yeah , right. D eflate d, I go back out. Kare n waits at the curb. I climb into her car

and she takes me home . By the time we reach my apart ment buildi ng, a hot show er soun ds good. A famili ar El Cami no is parke d in front of my buildi ng. " Well, well," I say to Kare n. "That man just

can't stay away from me." " Who is it?" Kare n asks. " Terry , you know , the cop?" " Luck y girl," Kare n mutte rs. "I never knew you had so much man actio n going on. I thoug ht you were savin g

yours elf for Stefa n." " I might if he was savin g hims elf for me, but we both know that is not the case. " K aren nods. "Two can play his game ," she agree s. "Is that cop as hot as he looks like he'd

be in bed? " M en kiss and tell wom en are wors e. "Yes, " I say with a grin and climb out of the car. "Tha nks for spen ding the day with me." I close the door. W alkin g to the pass enger

side of the El Cami no, I open the door. "Wha t's going on?" " Do you know what time it is?" he asks. I glan ce at my watc h. "It's onethirty and you really shoul d get your own watc h so you don't have

to stake out apart ment buildi ngs hopin g to ask some one comi ng home ." " Funn y," he says sarca sticall y. "I've been trying to call you. I want ed to chec k up on you and you woul dn't answ er your

phon e." I f my phon e rang in Fred die Z's, I woul d have never heard it over the noise . I climb insid e the El Cami no, which is at least warm . "Kare n and I were out all day. We went to a

club tonig ht." T erry frown s at me. "Do you think it's smart to go to clubs when you know the killer consi ders them his hunti ng groun ds?" T here are a zillion clubs in New York. What were the odds that I

thoug ht I spott ed Dog Breat h at the one I was at tonig ht? Slim to none unles s he had been follow ing me all day. "I'm not givin g up my social life over this creep ," I say. "We don't even know

if he's still alive, or even still in the area. " " Exact ly," Terry snap s. "We don't know , so why are you out runni ng aroun d at night, puttin g yours elf at risk?" A lthou gh in my opini on, it's none

of his busin ess, I answ er, "I had a meeti ng with some one tonig ht. I had to meet him at a club beca use that's wher e he work s." H is pretty blue eyes narro w. "Who . Kane ?" I 'm starti ng to get

pisse d. Just beca use Terry and I are basic ally worki ng toget her on the missi ng wom en files does n't mean he can stick his nose in my perso nal life. "He is cond uctin g an inves tigati on for me,

reme mber ? Som etime s that's the only place I can catch him." T erry snort s. "That guy has a rap sheet a mile long. Brea king and enteri ng. Car theft. You shoul dn't be involv ed with him." O kay,

so I'm not surpri sed Kane has a rap sheet . I imagi ne there' s not much he won't do to get the infor matio n he need s. That might be a bad thing in Terry' s opini on, but since I'm a perso n needi ng

infor matio n, it's not nece ssaril y a bad thing in mine. What is a bad thing is Terry tellin g me who I can hire to do my perso nal busin ess and who I can't. "Just beca use we slept toget her does n't mean you

now have the right to order me aroun d. Wher e I go and who I see is none of your busin ess." I open the door to get out, but Terry grabs my arm. "It is my busin ess, dam mit!" G lanci ng down at his

hand wrap ped aroun d my arm, I say, "If you don't want me to beat you up again , you'd better let go." H e relea ses me. A seco nd later he shov es the same hand throu gh his hair. "Look . I

was worri ed about you. I've been looki ng at those files all aftern oon. Wom en missi ng. Som e of them dead. I don't want you to be in a file." N o matte r how hard Terry tries to keep our relati onshi p

imper sonal , it's not worki ng for him. It's not worki ng me for me, either . I was mad a minut e ago, but I've never seen him look vulne rable. He's a contr ol freak and he's hook ed up with a freak

who is out of contr ol. Two freak s, actua lly. Me and Dog Breat h. " You want to come up for coffe e?" I ask. H e shak es his head. "I'll take you to have coffe e. I'm not comi ng up." I

'm tired, but Terry looks like he could use some comp any. "I get the impre ssion you don't trust me, Shay. " H e finally smile s. His teeth flash in the darkn ess. "I don't trust myse lf, Kinip ski. My ribs are

heali ng up pretty good. Getti ng beat up by a girl isn't alway s a bad thing. " I laug h and close the door. "Let's go have coffe e." A n hour and three cups of coffe e later, I'm so wired I

won't be sleep ing anyti me soon. Terry and I keep the conv ersati on light. I don't tell him about my earlie r suspi cions that I smell ed Dog Breat h in Fred die Z's. I'm not sure I did smell him. I know for

sure I don't want to expla in my abnor mal sens e of smell . T erry's curio us about my back groun d so I do some more lying to him. I tell him I grew up in a small town in Texa s close to Dalla s. Ther

e are a hundr ed small town s in Texa s close to Dalla s. I tell him a coupl e of funny storie s about me and Cindy growi ng up. Mostl y, I let him do the talkin g. Despi te the caffei ne pump ing throu

gh his veins , Terry yawn s. " Gues s we'd better get going . I have to be in early tomor row." H e pays the bill and we leave , climbi ng into the El Cami no parke d in front of an allnight

diner. No one seem ed to recog nize him at the diner. He didn't take me to a cop hang out and I know they have them. If he's asha med of me he has stand ards so high he's never going to find a wom an. I think more

proba bly, he just does n't want to be razze d for spen ding time with a super mode l. Or mayb e a profe ssed psyc hic. Neith er are proba bly peopl e he had a high opini on of in the past. I think I'm chan ging

his mind. A s soon as Terry fires up the engin e, his polic e radio goes off. The dispa tcher repor ts a 242 in progr ess in the vicinit y of Cana l Stree t in SoHo . A caller repor ts screa ms comi ng

from the vicinit y. " What' s a 242? " I ask him. " Assa ult." He picks up the recei ver. "This is Dete ctive Terry Shay, I'm in the vicinit y and will proce ed to the locati on." " Use cauti on, Dete ctive.

Back up is on the way." H e glanc es at me. "Get out and go wait for me in the diner. Stay insid e." I don't want to sit in the diner and wait for no tellin g how long for him to come back. "Just take

me with you. I'll stay in the car." H e gives me a look. We both know what happ ened last time I staye d in his car alone . "No civilia ns are allow ed with me on a code call. Go, Lou, it's just a coupl e of

street s over and I'm wasti ng time." B eing stubb orn may cost some one their life. "I'll call a cab," I tell him. "Go do your cop thing. " I clim b out. Terry peels away from the curb. I stand outsi de

watc hing his taillig hts. He turns on the next corne r. I'm about to go back insid e and call a cab when I hear it. A wom an's screa m. M y heari ng is so much more acute than the avera ge perso n's; I imagi ne

the screa m could have come from as far as two street s over. I also imagi ne I can follow the screa ms and locat e the victim befor e Terry can. A few minut es might mean the differ ence betw een life and death

for the wom an. I 'm not weari ng my runni ng shoe s, but I take off. As usual , the tenpoun d beaut y bag is slung over one shoul der. It must be the reaso n I have such freaki sh upper -body stren

gth that and the fact I'm a were wolf. T he neigh borho od is deser ted. I'm not scare d. Dog Breat h scare s me beca use he's a freak like me. A norm al man assa ulting a wom an I'm not

afraid of. I think I can take him. I round one corne r and charg e down the street to the next. Ahea d, I see Terry' s taillights , movi ng slowl y. He shine s a spotli ght out his wind ow down the alley ways. I close

my eyes and listen . I hear a muffl ed screa m. Terry has pass ed them. I lunge acros s the street into an alley way. Nothi ng is notic eable exce pt the usual Dum pster s and trash bags stack ed every wher

e. I know how Terry miss ed the attac k. Heav y breat hing soun ds from behin d the third Dum pster on the right. I move towar d the Dum pster. The stran ge soun d of a sucki ng noise reach es me. What

the hell is this guy doing to the wom an? I 'd call out, but that woul d give him the adva ntage of knowi ng I'm here. He might be arme d. Inste ad I creep up on him. Attac ker and victim are huddl ed on

the groun d next to the Dum pster. I reach out, grab the back of the guy's coat, and haul him off her. He turns to face me and I nearl y pee my pants . Blood runs in two strea ks down the sides of his

mout h. His face is death ly pale in the darkn ess. " Oh, shit," I say. H is smile revea ls long white fangs . The man whips a knife from his coat pock et. I take a step back. He quickl y bend s besid

e the wom an and slash es her neck. Instin cts take over and I lunge at him. He's stron g, but I'm stron ger. This surpri ses him. His dark eyes wide n when I shov e him again st the brick wall of a buildi ng.

He bares the fangs at me again . I growl in respo nse. The knife in his hand slices past my face, barel y missi ng me. Whe n he lifts it again , I grab his hand and pin it again st the buildi ng. I notic e that I now have

claws . He notic es the same thing. " Who are you?" he hisse s at me. " I'm your worst night mare, " I answ er, and I feel the chan ge comi ng over me. It's a survi val instin ct, I realiz e. Anyti me

I'm in dang er, this is what will happ en. Just like it happ ened on prom night. I had never been attac ked or felt as if I were in dang er befor e that night. Mayb e the were wolf side of me had been dorm ant all my life,

and it only took one traum atic event to relea se it. T he wom an moan s, distra cting me. At least I know she's alive. The fange d creep uses the distra ction to shov e me away . He runs. I'm torn betw

een helpi ng the wom an and going after him. Then I hear Terry' s truck lumb ering towar d the alley way. He's going to shine that big spotli ght on me in a minut e. I bend and pull the wom an from behin

d the Dum pster wher e he'll be able to spot her, then I run like hell. P unchi ng it into super spee d, I'm at the end of the alley in about ten seco nds flat. I'm not sure which way to go. Do I just run, or do

I go after Fang man? I catch the scent of blood to the left. Fang man. Is he really a vamp ire or a perve rt who likes to wear fake fangs and bite wom en? What the hell. I might as well find out. I go left.

I ques tion my decisi on two block s later when I catch up with Fang man. He isn't alone . Ther e are now two other fang men with him. " That' s her," he says to the other s. "She' s a synth

etic. I can tell by the smell of her." S ynthe tic? Is that anoth er word for "were wolf" ? "Wha t do you mean by that? " I dema nd. O ne of the fang men laugh s. "She does n't know what she

is." I lift my hand, claws exten ded. "I know what I am," I corre ct him. "I just don't know why." " Beca use you were made that way, baby, " the fang man I chas ed says. "You' re an unnat ural." I take

offen se. "Mor e unnat ural than you?" A ll three move close r to me. "We'r e natur al mons ters. Made by anoth er of our kind. You were creat ed by scien ce." I s this a bunc h of shit? Are they trying

to distra ct me with conv ersati on so they can bite me? Is this even happ ening ? Am I at home drea ming ? " Were s, synth etic or natur al, are not welco me on our turf. Unde rstan d?" the fang

man says. I s he insin uatin g there are other s besid es me and Dog Breat h? If I'm not drea ming, this is too bizarr e for even a were wolf super mode l to handl e. " Cops are scout ing the area,

" one of the fang men warn s. "We' d better find cover ." I 'm thank ful for the tip. It woul dn't do for one cop in partic ular to come acros s me. Espe cially not in the condi tion I'm in. But I have more quest

ions, and some stron g advic e. " You shoul dn't kill wom en," I infor m the group . "I don't like that. I might come back and bite your balls off if you do that. You do have balls, don't you?" O ne of the palef

aces grabs his crotc h. "Yea h, we got balls. We got big balls. And for the recor d, we don't kill our victim s if we can help it. We give them a little throat slash to hide the bite mark s and they go on their

merry way. Now, you end up in Quee ns and it's a differ ent story. " T here are vamp ires in Quee ns? Ther e are vamp ires perio d? My cell rings. The soun d startl es me. I glanc e at my beaut y

bag, and when I glanc e back up, the fang men are gone. I stare into the shad ows, wond ering if I'm delus ional and if I ever saw them to begin with. The phon e keep s ringin g. I fumbl e in my bag,

havin g troubl e grasp ing the phon e while weari ng claws . " Hello, " I say. " Lou, you made it home okay, right? " " I'm home ," I lie to Terry . I'm a coupl e of street s over and in

shoc k from havin g just conv ersed with three vamp ires. "Did you find the wom an?" " Yeah , she's okay. A super ficial knife woun d to the throat . My spotli ght must have chas ed the attac ker away . The

wom an says she does n't reme mber a thing after the guy grabb ed her. Shoc k. We get that a lot with victim s." " I'm glad she's all right. " " Why are you talkin g funny ?" D amn fangs

. I hope they retrac t soon. "I'm doing a white ning treat ment. I have some thing in my mout h." " Oh. Gues s I'll go so I can wrap up here and catch a coupl e of hours ' sleep befor e I go in. Night ,

Lou." " Night , Terry ." ut hope I'm alrea dy aslee p. B I

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 0 I figur e abou t ninet y

perc ent of the p eople in Amer ica don't live in the " real world ." I wish I were one of them . T he phon e wake s me. I turn over in bed to reach for it, glanc e up, and see

Dog Breat h stand ing over me. I screa m. Then I wake up. The phon e really is ringin g. I grab it and answ er. " Lou, are you all right? Why didn't you retur n any of my calls last night ?" I t's

good to hear Cindy 's voice . I was so wipe d out and freak ed out when I got home last night, I went straig ht to the show er and then to bed. "Lon g night, " I answ er. "Weir d night, " I clarif

y. "I didn't get in until late. Real late." " Well, I was worri ed about you," Cindy grous es. "You never stay out late, at least not unles s I'm with you. Wher e were you?" I s Cindy ready to learn the city is overr

un with blood sucki ng fiend s? I think she has enou gh on her plate at the mom ent. "I went out with Kare n. We went to Fred die Z's so I could tell Morg an he need s to look for the Billin gtons as

well as my birth paren ts. We staye d out late." " How is Kare n?" I kno w Cindy is havin g a jealo us mom ent. Frien ds do, there' s nothi ng weird about it. "She' s fine. Not nearl y as

fun to hang out with as you. What happ ened with your folks ? Did your mom tell your dad, and wher e are you stayi ng?" " Mom didn't get up the nerve . We'r e stayi ng at a hotel in Grap evine .

Mom' s comi ng in to have lunch and do some shop ping with us. I gues s it's okay. Not sure I'm really ready to introd uce Dad to my girlfri end." M y nose itche s and I scrat ch, hopin g I don't find a must

ache under my lip. I don't. "So are you still stayi ng until we're supp osed to meet up in Verm ont?" " Yeah , Mom want s me to stay as long as I can. She says we have a lot of catch ing up to do.

My friend can't stay that long, so I figure when she goes home Mom and I can work on a meeti ng with Dad. I got some stuff for you, by the way. Not much , but some photo s and stuff from scho ol I thoug ht you'd

want. " " Than ks. I appre ciate what you'v e done for me, Cindy ." F or the first time in our lives, Cindy and I seem at a loss for word s. I want to tell her about the fang men just to turn her back into

the motor mout h I know and love. " Gues s I'd better go, Lou," Cindy finally says. "Mo m will be here shortl y to pick us up. I'll call you in a coupl e of days. " " Okay . Talk to you later. " S he

hang s up. I 'm glad Cindy has some thing to do. I have nothi ng to do but think about my weird night. I reme mber I'm supp osed to leave infor matio n about the Billin gtons on Morg an's mach ine. Bad

thing is, I don't have much infor matio n about them. Neith er talke d about their lives befor e Have n and me. I do reme mber Norm a sayin g she grew up in Califo rnia. I saw some thing one time in the paper s they

kept in a metal box with the name Norm a Ford on it. I 'll start there. My under stand ing was that neith er Clive nor Norm a had any famil y left. Eithe r that or they were estra nged from their famil y mem

bers; they never bothe red to expla in which it was. I call Morg an and leave him what little infor matio n I have. He's got to earn his mone y. No matte r how hard I try, I can't get the vamp ires out of my head. I'd

like to prete nd last night was just a drea m, but I know it wasn' t. So what do I do with this stran ge knowl edge that I acqui red last night ? I can't very well share it with Terry . He'll think I'm crazy . Then

I wond er which he woul d find more repul sive. A were wolf or a vamp ire? T aking my thoug hts a step furthe r, I wond er whet her Terry woul d be more open to the possi bility of were wolve s if he were

force d to acce pt the exist ence of vamp ires? Real were wolve s, of which I am supp osedl y not one. Synth etic? What the hell did they mean ? I have to set Terry on the path of enlig hten ment, even if my motiv es

are purel y selfis h. If he disco vered for hims elf that, like in all cultur es, there are good and bad, mayb e he can learn to acce pt me for who I really am. M aybe the fang men were puttin g me on. Shoul

d I ventu re onto their turf and find out? Mayb e they' d be willin g to give me more infor matio n. If not, and thing s get ugly, I will turn wolfy again . I still have n't mana ged a comp lete transf ormat ion since prom

night. If I'm going to do it again , I'd like to be prepa red. Befor e I do anyth ing, I need to call Terry . He has troubl e acce pting psyc hics? I'll see how he does with vamp ires. I pick up the phon e and dial his

numb er. " Yeah ." His stand ard answ er. " Terry , it's Lou. I need to tell you about a vision I had conc ernin g the wom an who was attac ked in the alley last night. " S ilenc e. He's still creep ed out

by the psyc hic stuff. " Okay ," he finally says. " Have the woun d to her neck reche cked. I think they'll find bite mark s." A nothe r paus e. "Are you sayin g this case is relate d to the other case

s? The serial killer who think s he's a were wolf? " " No," I answ er matte r-offactly . "This guy's a vamp ire." S ilenc e again . " Terry ?" " You know , I'd think you were full of crap

but the tip you gave me about the wom an in her car, the one you said was hidde n in a wood ed area, pann ed out. I gave the autho rities there the infor matio n and they found her. Her famil y was at least

glad they had a body to bury. Like you said, it gave them a certai n amou nt of closu re." " Have the hospi tal reche ck the wom an's neck, " I repea t. "And chec k your files for unsol ved murd

ers in Quee ns wher e the victim s had their throat s slit. Thos e murd ers are being done by vamp ires, too." " Lou." Terry groan s. "If you'r e psyc hic, why do you only see weird shit like this? For your infor

matio n, I don't have to chec k my files. I'm awar e of sever al murd ers in Quee ns wher e the victim s had their throat s slit. We susp ect the killing s are gangrelate d exec ution s." " Think again ," I say and

hang up. I spen d the rest of the aftern oon givin g myse lf a facial , a mani cure, and a waxin g even thoug h I don't need to wax. My agent calls and we go over job offers and detail s of the Verm ont

shoot . After I jot down my sche dule, I prepa re for the eveni ng. I've decid ed to have a date with vamp ires. I n case I need to make a transf ormat ion, I try to prepa re. I remo ve most of my make

up from my beaut y bag, maki ng room for extra clothi ng. I inclu de a trash bag, as well. My close t is pack ed full of cloth es. A lot of times I get to keep the outfit s I mode l. I sort throu gh them, decid

ing what I woul dn't mind losin g. One outfit I can part with is a black leath er jacke t and pants that I've alway s consi dered a little too catw oman ish to actua lly wear in publi c. I t's perfe ct for

a latenight meeti ng with vamp ires. Now all I have to do is wait for nightf all. T he neigh borho od in SoHo is mostl y ware hous es, but a few rundown apart ment buildi ngs are scatt ered

along the street s. The lighti ng is poor. It's late and most of the apart ment wind ows are dark. A car lumb ers my way, the rap musi c so loud it vibrat es the pave ment. I figure vamp ires don't ride aroun

d in cars and step into an alley so I won't be seen. F ootst eps click again st the pave ment at the end of the alley. I can't be lucky enou gh for whoe ver's comi ng to be the three amig os. I'm surpri sed by

who it is. If I'm not mista ken, it's the same wom an who was attac ked last night. I know it's her, she has a big white band age on her neck. She spots me and draw s up short. " Don't worry . I won't

hurt you," I call to her. S he stom ps towar d me. "Get lost, sister . This is my alley. " W hat does that mean ? She lives in the alley ? I know peopl e live on the street s. I glanc e aroun d looki ng for

a cardb oard box or sacks full of belon gings . "You live here? " T he wom an rolls her eyes. I'm sure she think s I can't see her reacti on in the darkn ess. "Hell, no, I don't live here. I live down the

street . But this is wher e I meet some one." I 'm confu sed. "You got attac ked here last night. Why are you back this time of night wher e it might happ en again ?" " Attac ked?" she echo es. "Wha t

make s you think that? " T he wom an was unco nscio us by the time I pulle d the blood suck er off her. She told Terry she didn't reme mber anyth ing after the guy grabb ed her. "It's why you woke up in the

hospi tal this morni ng with a band age aroun d your slash ed throat , reme mber ?" " How do you know this stuff? " she dema nds. I reac h out and place a hand on her shoul der. "I was

here. I'm the one who scare d your attac ker off." S he knoc ks my hand away . "So you'r e the one who interf ered. " I have the feelin g my mout h is openi ng and closin g like a fish out of water .

"Inter fered ?" I finally mana ge. "I save d your life!" " Maria , I told you not to come see me for a few days. " I whe el aroun d. Fang man stand s direct ly behin d me. He walks past me and paus

es to touch the wom an's chee k. "I took too much last night. You need to regai n your stren gth." I n the moon light, she stare s up at him adori ngly, then pouts . The n you'll get what you need from

some one else. You know I'm jealo us." " You'r e also marri ed. Go home to your husb and." T ears spark le in her eyes. "He can't make me feel the way you do." B ring out the violin s. I think

I'm going to puke. "Exc use me," I say. "You were screa ming. That' s why some one calle d the cops. " F angm an steer s the wom an towar d the street . "Go home , Maria . I'll expla in to the gring o." M aria

looks me up and down . "Yea h, I know what you'll expla in to her. She's pretty . Mayb e you want to suck her neck. " " She's tainte d," Fang man says, curlin g his lip as he looks at me like I'm liver and

onion s. "Her blood is no good to me. I'll wait for you, but two days. Prom ise you will rest for two days befor e you come back here. " " You'll be weak if you wait that long to feed, " Maria argue

s. "Just take a little." She offers the side of her neck that isn't band aged. F angm an shak es his head. "Don' t tempt me, Maria . You know your blood is the swee test to me. Go now." W ith a sigh, Maria

walks past him, pausi ng in front of me to glare. "Leav e my man alone ," she mutte rs under her breat h. I 've enter ed a stran ge world . And I thoug ht I alrea dy lived there. I wait until Maria make s it down the

alley and turns the corne r befor e addre ssing fang man. "Wha t the hell is going on with her?" I ask. H e shrug s. "She loves me. I feed on her. She likes it." " Then why was she screa ming last night

?" T he vamp ire walks to wher e I stand . "The y were screa ms of ecsta sy, not of fear. I warn ed her to be quiet but she make s a lot of noise ." I must have a "HUH ?" look on my face.

Fang man smile s and says, "If it's done right, a bite from a vamp ire can be better than sex to a wom an. Of cours e, not all vamp ires do it right. Som e have no regar d for huma n life. They look at huma ns as

they woul d cattle . A meal. Nothi ng more. " " Like those in Quee ns you told me about last night ?" H is lip curls again . "Barb arian s," he spits. "The y have lost their huma nity. They are thugs

, rapist s, and murd erers. They give the rest of us a bad name ." W hich bring s me to the reaso n I'm in a bad neigh borho od dress ed like catw oman . "I don't under stand what you said to me last night. Abou

t being synth etic. Are you sayin g some one made me what I am?" " Let's walk, " the vamp ire sugg ests. "He or she who stand s in one place too long in this neigh borho od soon beco mes a

victim ." I fall into step besid e him. "Why am I tainte d to you?" H e laugh s, and I woul d say he looks nice when he smile s, but he still has the fangs . "You are curio us now that you under

stand it can bring you pleas ure." " Wron g," I assur e him. "I'm not into fang hicke ys." " The blood of a were wolf, even a synth etic one, can kill a vamp ire. We need pure huma n blood ." I 'm

still havin g troubl e acce pting the exist ence of vamp ires, altho ugh why that shoul d be is beyo nd me. "Do you know of a were wolf roami ng the city killing wom en?" T he vamp ire sighs . He

paus es besid e a broke n street lamp. "Ther e are many were wolve s and vamp ires. Ther e is an under world , but like sticks with like. We are not part of your world . We have our own strug gles. Our own ways.

" He eyes my outfit and adds, "You woul d not fit in there. " I t's been a while since I felt like part of the "out" crow d. "So you don't have answ ers for me? You can't point me in the right direct ion?" H

e shak es his head. "No. Synth etics are not allow ed in our world . You must be a natur al to gain entra nce to the under world ." G reat. Deni ed acce ss. Besid es possi bly findin g answ ers about myse

lf in the under world , mayb e it woul d be nice to be with those who share some thing in com mon with me. What am I thinki ng? I want to rub elbo ws with mons ters? " You shoul d go," Fang man says. "I

need to feed and you are cram ping my style. " I 'm appal led. "You told Maria you woul dn't." H e shrug s. "Wha t Maria does n't know won't hurt her. I get hypo glyce mic if I don't feed. "

H e's just like Cindy . Okay . Not. "Why aren't I turnin g?" I wond er. "I did last night when I was aroun d you." " You thoug ht you were in dang er last night, " Fang man says. "It is a trigge r for

you. For all were wolve s, obvio usly even synth etics. " " Do you know of other synth etics ?" H e frown s. I get the impre ssion he's beco ming impat ient with me. "I know they exist. Like I told

you, I don't mix with were wolve s. They have their own place in the under world , and it is far from ours. We don't usual ly get along ." T o say I'm disap point ed is an under state ment. This is the close st I've come

to findin g some one who might have answ ers about why I am what I am. " How do you exist in the world of norm al huma ns?" A djusti ng the skinti ght catw oman jacke t, I answ er, "I do what I

have to do. I'm not differ ent from every one else exce pt for the claws and fangs and fur, and those are evide ntly only trigge red by certai n factor sor other s like me." " It has been a long time since I

walke d in the suns hine. Since I enjoy ed being huma n." " So, it really is like the movi es? You can't go out durin g the day?" H e laugh s. "No, we can go out durin g the day. We simpl y choo

se not to. Unlik e you, our fangs do not retrac t. We cann ot hide what we are the way that you can." I gues s I could have it wors e than I do. "Bum mer," I say. T he vamp ire sudd enly

cocks his head and place s a finger again st his blood red lips. "Som eone is comi ng. You shoul d go so I can feed. " M y stom ach rolls with the thoug ht of what he's about to do. "I'm glad you don't hurt

peopl e. But blood . Yuck. " " It's like a fine wine to me. Now go. You are not welco me in this neigh borho od." I 've been throw n out of a stran ge world . At least a relati vely safe stran ge

world . Defla ted, I walk away from the scen e of a future crime . I'll head home , or at least to a secti on of the city wher e I can hail a cab. I take a few steps and turn aroun d. "Wha t's your name , Fang man?

" " Rick, " he answ ers. "Wha t about you, were wolf? " " Lou," I answ er, then move on. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 1

D enial is a nice place to visit, but living there can cost you your life. T he trip home was stran gely unev entful . I was prepa red to transf orm if the need arose . I had my beaut y bag pack ed to

stash some wher e so when I turne d back into myse lf, I'd have some wher e to get cloth es. And yes, the outfit I pack ed was an Yves Saint Laure nt wool jump suit that make s me look like a clown . But

I didn't get rid of the outfit and I didn't transf orm so I might exper ience what actua lly happ ens to me when I go comp letely were wolf. I 'm awar e of the fact I might kill in were wolf form; I did that the only other

time I made a transf ormat ion. But it was selfdefen se and I recall ed very little about the actua l time I spent as a were wolf. I need to know if my thoug hts are comp letely my own. If I'm dang erous to more

than some one trying to harm me. I fish for my keys as I appro ach my apart ment door. Whe n I get ready to stick the key in my lock, I notic e the door is slightl y ajar. The hair on the back

of my neck stand s on end. Norm ally findin g my door ajar woul dn't bothe r me. Cindy 's the worst about comi ng in and maki ng herse lf at home . But Cindy is in Texa s. No one else has a key. I push the door open. The

apart ment is dark like I left it. A noise come s from the kitch en. My heart rises in my throat . I grip my beaut y bag tighte r, prepa red to use it as a weap on if I need to bash some one over the head. Then I

move towar d the kitch en. Who ever' s in there isn't quiet. I hear the fridge open and close the rustle of a paper bag. Liftin g my beaut y bag highe r, I enter the kitch en. A dark shad ow digs in a bag sittin g on the

bar. I snea k up behin d them, bag held high. The shad ow turns, bump s into me, and screa ms. I screa m, too. I t quickl y dawn s on me that it must be a vamp ire come to kill me for knowi ng too much

. Dog Breat h woul d not screa m. " Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my apart ment ?" " It's Nata sha," she gasp s. "Cind y gave me the key to your apart ment. She said I could

ask you for the spare to hers, but I could n't get a hold of you." N atash a? Why woul d Cindy give some one I don't like the key to my apart ment, espe cially consi derin g I'm not alway s at my best and

shoul dn't be barge d in upon ? And why woul d Nata sha need the key to Cindy 's place ? I walk over and switc h on the light. It's Nata sha Som ethin gorot her, all right. Then I notic e the suitc

ase sittin g at her feet. " What' s going on?" N atash a place s a hand to her heart. "My apart ment is being fumig ated. I menti oned this to Cindy and she said I could stay at her place while she is out of

town. She gave me the key to your apart ment and told me to conta ct you and ask for the spare key to hers. I could n't reach you and I have these groce ries that woul d ruin." A s much as I

miss Cindy , I could clobb er her at the mom ent. Just what I need, broad shoul ders living next door. "Nice of her to menti on that to me," I mutte r. "How' d you get past Ralp h, anyw ay?" " Cindy told

both door men that I woul d be stayi ng at her apart ment for a few days. I just had to show identi ficati on." S ighin g, I place my beaut y bag on the count er. I remo ve Cindy 's spare key from my key ring.

Whe n I hand it to Nata sha, she says, "Cind y said you might want to go over and tidy up befor e I see her apart ment. I told her it didn't matte r to me, but she insist ed." T he monit or. She want s me

to get rid of it, which is a good idea. If Nata sha switc hes it on, she's going to hear me in my bedro om and wond er what the deal is. "I'll be right back, " I say. "You can repac k your groce ry bag." T

aking my beaut y bag to stash the monit or, I leave the apart ment and go next door. Cindy is a mess y perso n. I grab a few cloth es she's left lying aroun d and put them in her bathr oom hamp er. I'm not maki

ng her bed. She shoul d have told me about Nata sha comi ng to stay at her place . But then I woul d have proba bly pitch ed a fit and told her I didn't want her here. I unplu g the monit or and stick it in

my beaut y bag and retur n to my apart ment. N atash a waits by the door with her groce ry bag and suitc ase. I hand her the key. "Kno ck yours elf out, but don't bothe r me. I don't like to be distur

bed." S he frown s. "Cind y said this woul d be a good time for us to make amen ds and beco me friend s." I try not to roll my eyes. "Cind y is often wron g." Open ing the door wider , I indic

ate she can go. That' s when I notic e the draft. I glanc e towar d the Frenc h doors leadi ng from the balco ny and see the drape s flappi ng in the wind. " Were you born in a barn? First you

leave my door open and then you open my balco ny doors and leave them open ? It's cold outsi de, you know ?" N atash a glanc es towar d the open doors . "The y were like that when I came in. I

thoug ht you were airing the place out or some thing. " P rickly sens ation at the back of the neck numb er two. I didn't leave my balco ny doors open when I left. "Oh, I might have left them open now that I think about it. I

had them open earlie r when I burne d some thing and want ed to get rid of the smell . You can go now." I shov e her into the hallw ay. "Goo d night. " A fter I close the door, I lean again st it and

sniff the air. My gaze darts aroun d the dark apart ment, looki ng for a shad ow that does n't belon g. The cold, crisp air wash es away any scent from an intrud er, but some one besid es Nata sha has

been in my apart ment. I'd sens e that even if the doors had not been left open. It's just a feelin g, a creep y one. My sanct uary is fast beco ming a zoo. What kind of anim al has been in my apart ment sniffi

ng aroun d? And is it gone, or still here? T he heavi est thing in my beaut y bag is the monit or I just stuffe d insid e. I take it out and grip it firmly , movi ng throu gh the dark apart ment. Sure I can switc

h on a light; but not only does that allow me to better see some one lurkin g in the shad ows, it allow s them to see me. Nothi ng looks out of place in the living area. I've alrea dy been in the kitch en. Nowh

ere to hide in there. My bedro om seem s the most logic al place that an intrud er might lie in wait for me. I cree p into the hallw ay leadi ng into my room. The bedro om door is open, which is the way I

left it. As soon as I step into the room, I catch a scent I have tried like hell to convi nce myse lf no longe r exists . T he bed is a total wrec k. It wasn' t made when I left, but even in the darkn

ess, I see that the mattr ess has been rippe d up, stuffi ng every wher e. Not only do I smell the foul odor that belon gs to Dog Breat h, I smel l urine. He's mark ed the mattr ess. I'll kill him! I see red.

No, really , I see red. My eyes glow back at me from the dress er mirro r. I didn't know they glow ed red in the dark. Cree py, but not nearl y as horrib le as what has taken place in my room. I 've been defile

d. Rage build s insid e of me and I let it come . If he's still here, hidin g, I'll need the fuel to make a transf ormat ion. My teeth don't ache. My skin does n't itch. My finger tips do not sting. He's not

here or they woul d. As angry as I am, I have the sens e to make certai n. I switc h on the bedro om light. T he carna ge infuri ates me furthe r. He's not under the bed, in the close t, or in the bathr oom show

er. But nothi ng takes away from the fact that he was here. He did this to taunt me. To let me know he's still alive and stalki ng me. It's wors e than if he'd waite d aroun d and attac ked me.

It's wors e beca use he know s I'll worry about when he's comi ng back. W hile I'm full of rage, I throw down my beaut y bag and the monit or and use my freaki sh upper body stren gth to grab the mattr

ess, haul it throu gh the apart ment, take it throu gh the open doors of the balco ny and pitch it over. Gus will freak out when he sees it lying on the groun ds tomor row and have it imme diatel

y haule d away . Next I go to the kitch en, find the air fresh ener and use the whol e can when I retur n to the bedro om. I retrac e my steps to the kitch en, get a pair of rubbe r glove s, and go

throu gh the apart ment pickin g up stuffi ng that fell out of the mattr ess; then I retur n to the balco ny and pitch that over, as well. O nce I close the doors and lean again st them, I've used all my rage

and I shak e unco ntroll ably. True, it feels about twent y degre es in here since the doors have been open, but I know that isn't why I shak e. Dog Breat h is alive. He's done wors e than attac k me, he's invad ed

my spac e. He's defile d my prope rty. And I'm scare d shitle ss. I hate that more than anyth ing. I'm on the verge of tears when a soft rap soun ds again st my front door. I don't think Dog Breat h woul

d bothe r to knoc k after what he's done, but I'm not ruling it out. I reme mber the door isn't locke d anyw ay and he'd come on in or bust it down , so I go and answ er it. N atash a stand s

outsi de. "Is every thing all right in there ? I keep heari ng you bang aroun d. It soun ds like you'r e rearr angin g your furnit ure." I neve r thoug ht I'd see the day when I was glad to see Nata

sha Som ethin gorot her. It has arrive d. Inste ad of offeri ng an expla natio n, I step out into the hall and pull the door close d behin d me. "Hey, do you mind if I crash on Cindy 's couc h? I can't get that

burne d smell out of my apart ment no matte r how hard I try. It make s me sick." S he shrug s. "Oka y. Don't you want to get some paja mas? " C indy is the only perso n I know who sleep s in leath er. "Actu

ally, I like to sleep in this. Let's go." N atash a eyes me oddly but does n't quest ion my decisi on. I follow her into Cindy 's apart ment, glad to see the TV switc hed on and no signs that she's

ready to go to bed despi te the late hour. A bag of pretz els and a cup of yogur t sit on Cindy 's sofa table. My favori te. Dog Breat h might kill me, but he'll never kill my appet ite. T

he were wolf freak might not have killed my appet ite, but he killed my ability to sleep . I don't want to exam ine the fact that I could hardl y bring myse lf to retur n to my apart ment this morni ng. I hate

to give him credit for that. I love this apart ment. At some dark point durin g the early hours just befor e dawn , I even found myse lf thinki ng I shoul d move . L ike hell I will. I also thoug ht that I shoul

d call Terry and tell him my apart ment had been broke n into, and that I know who it was, and he cann ot cross the were wolf killer off his list of peopl e to worry about . I'm recon sideri ng that, as well.

Terry woul d insist I stay some wher e else. His place ? I'm thinki ng he'd be too smart to offer me that optio n. I mad e myse lf coffe e earlie r beca use it was a norm al thing to do. Now I

sit on my couc h that thank fully has not been peed on, and sip the rich brew, wond ering what my next move shoul d be. The first thing I did when I came home was go out on the balco ny and look belo

w. Just as I predi cted, no sign of the defile d mattr ess or any stuffi ng. Gus is good. H ow can I move when Gus is so good ? I can't. If I move , Cindy will have to move and she likes it here

as much as I do. I 'm still not happ y with her for lettin g Nata sha stay in her apart ment while she's gone, but I gues s if she hadn' t, I woul dn't have had some one to sit up and watc h TV with last

night. Som eone I hardl y said two word s to. I can count being upset over havin g my apart ment broke n into, my mattr ess peed on, and the confir matio n that denia l does not make some thing so or not so,

as cons olatio n I wasn' t being totall y rude. A little voice insid e my head argue s that I woul d have been rude regar dless . S o Nata sha likes pretz els dippe d in yogur t as much as I do? That'

s hardl y reaso n enou gh to forget she slept with my man. And why am I dwelli ng on this when I have so much else to dwell upon ? That' s a nobrain er. I don't want to think about the other. But I

have to. S etting my cup aside , I rise and move to the balco ny doors . I'm sure they were n't locke d. I don't expe ct some one to scale the side of a buildi ng to the tenth floor and slip into my apart

ment to murd er me or trash my stuff when I'm not home to murd er. My thinki ng has to chan ge. So do my doors . I get the phon e book and call one of those secur ity door place s. I'll have

iron barrie rs on the other side befor e nightf all. I 'm fairly certai n that Dog Breat h won't try gettin g into the buildi ng from the front entra nce. He has to either have a code to punc h in, or a door

man woul d have to let him in. Neith er woul d. I'm also fairly confi dent the five locks on my door will keep Dog Breat h out. The only other way I know to be safe is to kill him for good. Ther e's only one

way I can kill him. I have to be one hundr ed perce nt certai n I can do a comp lete transf ormat ion. R eady or not, I must ventu re to Quee ns and see if my life being threat ened will turn me. Of cours e if it

does n't, I'll be in deep shit. I need a super hero as a sideki ck inste ad of a lesbi an. M y phon e rings. I answ er. It's sort of a super hero. "Hi, Terry ." " Thou ght I'd let you know the wom an

you want ed me to chec k for bite mark s was relea sed from the hospi tal befor e I could have her neck looke d at again . But we got anoth er body last night at the morg ue. Wom an with her throat slit. Happ

ened in Quee ns. The coron er who did the autop sy confir med what you told me. Ther e were bite mark s." I 'm not surpri sed and see no reaso n to act like I am. "So, what are you going

to do?" " Offduty stake out," he answ ers. "Tho ught I might head over to Flush ing, 147th Stree t along North ern Boule vard, wher e a lot of gang actio n has been going on. I want to chec k it out for myse

lf. I'm not about to tell my capta in I think vamp ires are murd ering these peopl e, not gang mem bers. And really , it has to be some type of ritual thing. I mean , there aren't really vamp ires." S o Terry likes to

visit denia l as much as the next perso n. "Whe n are you going ?" " Tomo rrow night. " " Can I come ?" H e laugh s. "Abs olutel y not. It's dang erous over there. It woul dn't be safe for you

to tag along ." " How about coffe e befor e you go? I need to talk to you about some thing. " Ther e. I have to tell Terry Dog Breat h is still alive, even if I might not tell him exact ly how I know that. I need

time to come up with a story. " Okay , I'll pick you up and then drop you back home befor e I go. Arou nd eight ?" " That will be fine." " See you then. Stay out of troubl e." I hang up.

Trou ble has sudd enly beco me my middl e name . Whic h remin ds me of Morg an. I give him a call. As usual , he does n't pick up and I get his mach ine. "Mor gan, this is Lou. Foun d anyth ing?

Feel free to leave the infor matio n on my mach ine." I 'm not going to the club again until I figure out if I can transf orm and what happ ens when I do. Mayb e Dog Breat h wasn' t there when I went with

Kare n, but I stron gly susp ect that he was, and I know he has picke d up at least one wom an there. And killed her after ward. I n the next two days I plan to Dog Breat hproof my apart ment, have

the carpe t in the bedro om repla ced, and buy a new mattr ess. If I get too desp erate for comp any, there' s alway s my new nextdoor neigh bor. It'll have to be a cold day in hell befor e I stoop to

visitin g Nata sha. By sixthirty that eveni ng, I decla re it a cold day in hell and go next door. Nata sha looks surpri sed to see me. She shoul d be. Som ethin g wafti ng from the apart ment into the

hallw ay smell s delici ous. " Are you expe cting comp any?" I ask. "I smell cooki ng." " No, I cook for myse lf. I get tired of takeo ut food. " She leave s the door open and head s towar d Cindy 's

kitch en. I'm not sure Cindy even has dishe s or pots and pans. I gues s she has pots and pans or Nata sha woul dn't be cooki ng some thing that jumpstarts my saliva ry gland s. N either Cindy nor I

can cook worth a damn . That' s why we eat out so much . I make sure I lock the door befor e follow ing Nata sha. S he lifts the lid of a big pot and stirs. "Do you want to eat? Ther e is plent

y." I take a seat at the bar. "You sure you'r e not expe cting some one? That' s a big pot." L ookin g over her rathe r broad shoul der, Nata sha laugh s. "I come from a big famil y. I never learn ed to cook

for one. I usual ly eat a lot of leftov ers." " Whe n did you come to Amer ica?" " I was fiftee n," she answ ers. "I came as an exch ange stude nt, but didn't want to go home once I gradu ated. I got in with

an agen cy in Los Angel es, did some mode ling for them, beca me an Amer ican citize n, and move d to New York. " " Do you ever miss living in Russi a?" S he shak es her head. "No. But I

miss my famil y. Som eday I'll make enou gh to bring them all over to live. In the mean time, we write letter s." O kay, I feel a little guilty for joinin g in the fun when Kare n gave Nata sha a hard time about

looki ng like a dyke. I know how it feels to be separ ated from your famil y. Of cours e, there' s still the Stefa n issue betw een us. " He wasn' t worth it." I glan ce up and catch Nata sha starin g at

me. "Wha t?" " He wasn' t worth havin g all the other girls hate me." " Who, Stefa n?" Durin g unco mfort able mom ents, alway s prete nd confu sion over the conv ersati on topic. " I thoug ht if I

slept with him, it woul d make me one of you. I woul d be allow ed into your snott y club. I want ed to belon g." D amn her. I can relate to that, too. My dislik e of Nata sha fades . If the food

is as good as it smell s, it might cinch the deal. "I can see wher e sleep ing with him woul d make you belie ve you were one of the crow d," I say dryly. "It was the gloati ng part that got you in troubl

e. It woul d have been better if you did what every one else who sleep s with Stefa n does, prete nd you have n't." " Ah." Nata sha nods and turns back to her big pot. "No one tells me these thing s." W

hile she stirs, I recon sider hatin g her. " Do you still have a thing for him?" I ask. N atash a move s from the stove and takes two bowls from the cabin et. The bowls are plasti c. "I never had a thing

for him. I only want ed to be acce pted. I thoug ht that was the way." I with hold judg ment until Nata sha dishe s me a big bowl of what appe ars to be goula sh. She hand s me a spoo n. I take a

bite. After closin g my eyes and savor ing the comb inatio n of meat, noodl es, garlic , and tomat o sauc e, I swall ow and say, "Nata sha, I think this is the begin ning of a beaut iful relati onshi p." S he smile s.

Her bowl brims to the top. Anot her girl who likes to eat is alway s welco me in my club. Even if there' s some thing odd about Nata sha. Any mode l who has never had a thing for Stefa n is not a norm al red-

blood ed straig ht girl. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 2 G irls who like to eat are welc ome in my club. Vam pires who try to eat

me are not. T erry and I sip coffe e in a shop that's in a better locati on than the last one. I still don't see any cops hangi ng out. " What did you want to talk to me about ?" Settin g my moch

a aside , I answ er. "It's about the were wolf killer. I've had vision s. He's not dead. He's just waitin g." T erry raise s a brow. "Wait ing for what ?" I can't meet his eyes. "I don't know ." Terry is

quiet. I feel his stead y gaze on my face. "He's waitin g for you. Isn't that right, Lou? " I t is right, but if I admit that, Terry is going to be on my ass twent yfour/s even. And not in a good way. I

won't be able to talk to vamp ires or walk aroun d the city with a five o'cloc k shad ow or a midni ght beard . "I don't know what he's waitin g for," I lie. "I just want you to be awar e that he's still out there.

" Than ks for the tip." Terry finish es his coffe e. "Now here' s one for you. I want you to stay home until we catch this guy. No shop ping. No mode ling. No chan ce for this guy to get his hand s on

you, under stand ?" B linkin g back at him, I say, "I told you I won't rearr ange my life for this creep . He'd like that thinki ng he had me so scare d I just stay in my apart ment and tremb le at the

thoug ht of going out. He feeds on fear and I'm not so much as tossi ng him a crum b. Got that? " N ow Terry blinks at me. "I admir e your brave ry, Lou, but it borde rs on stupi dity. I've seen

what this psyc ho does to wom en. Ther e's no quest ion now that he's mark ed you as a target . Do you want to end up dead ?" I can't move past the stupi dity rema rk to consi der Terry' s

quest ions. Why is it all right for a man to be brave , but if a wom an is, she's label ed stupi d inste ad? "I'm finish ed. I'd like to go home ." H e glanc es at his watc h. "Yea h, I've got to get to Quee

ns and start my stake out. At least consi der what I said. I've seen your place ; I think you can give up a few pairs of shoe s and do witho ut a payc heck for a while. Bette r yet, do you have outof-

town relati ves you can stay with until we nail this guy?" S hoes ? Does he think that's all I buy with my payc heck ? I'm starti ng to wond er if follow ing Terry tonig ht in case I need to save his ass is

good idea. At the mom ent, his ass is not worth savin g. I rise from the cozy twotop table situat ed in the back of the coffe e shop and gathe r my beaut y bag. "I'm going to Verm ont on a mode ling shoot

at the end of the week . I'll be gone three or four days if that make s you feel better ." " That' s good, " Terry decid es, rising also. He puts a hand again st my back and steer s me to the door. "Try to lay low

until then, okay ?" " Sure, " I lie. "Wha tever big stron g polic eman says. " W hen he issue s a grunt of disap prova l behin d me, I figure he does n't appre ciate my sarca sm. That' s okay. I

don't appre ciate his mach o attitu de at the mom ent, either . I suppr ess the urge to remin d him that I beat him up in bed. The only reaso n I suppr ess it is beca use I might want to beat him up in bed again

at some future date. T he ride to my apart ment is chilly despi te my lustfu l thoug hts, the warm heat blowi ng from the vents , and the hot coffe e sittin g in our stom achs. The only com ment I make

is tellin g Terry to be caref ul, befor e I climb out of his car and go insid e my buildi ng. I wait until he drive s off befor e askin g Ralp h to call me a cab. The cabb y, unles s he's crazy , will not

take me all the way to the stake out point, but as long as he gets me within walki ng dista nce that's all right. M y beaut y bag is pack ed with the clown jump suit I don't mind losin g. I 'm nervo

us. And I'm not feelin g all that brave at the mom ent. I quest ion the sanit y of callin g a beast forth that I'm unsur e I can contr ol. My neartransf ormat ion the night I confr onted Dog Breat h assur es

me I'll be able to contr ol myse lf, but the recoll ectio n of what happ ened on prom night still haunt s me. Shoul d I exper iment when a man I care about is involv ed? But knowi ng what I know , can I leave

Terry to fend for hims elf in a neigh borho od overr un with vamp ires? T he cab pulls up outsi de. I'm torn about my earlie r decisi on. Sayin g I'm brave and actua lly being brave are two differ ent

thing s. Then I think of Terry alone on the dark street s, unaw are of what he's really up again st. I want ed tonig ht to be an eyeopeni ng exper ience for him. I don't want it to be a necksucki ng or -slas hing

exper ience for him. That decid es the matte r. I go outsi de and get in the cab. B y the time I find Terry' s El Cami no parke d along North ern Boule vard, my nerve s have taken a beati ng and

my feet hurt. I don't like what I see. Terry is not insid e the car. I've alrea dy stash ed my beaut y bag behin d some trash in a nearb y alley and I'm ready to confr ont what ever vamp ires might consi der me a

latenight snac k. I s Terry out scout ing the area, or has he alrea dy beco me a victim ? Whe n I draw close r to the El Cami no, I notic e that the smell of his Brut/ axle greas e afters have still linger

s in the air. I follow the scent . It leads me five block s down to an alley wher e I see Terry lying on the groun d and four figure s huddl ed over him. " Hey!" I shout . "Bac k off him, blood suck ers!"

F our palef aces turn towar d me. They rise from their bent positi ons. "Wo men stupi d enou gh to hang out in this neigh borho od after dark either have a death wish, or are looki ng for a meal, " one of the vamp

ires says. He eyes me up and down . "Go find your own cockt ail, this one is ours. " T hey think I'm a vamp ire. By the ache of my teeth, the itch of my skin, and the sting in my finger tips, I can soon

assur e them that I'm not. "I'm not a blood suck er," I say. "If you don't leave him alone , I'm going to kick your asse s." M y state ment gets a laugh from all of them. "You and what army, little girl?" the

same one who spok e earlie r taunt s. " Her and this army. " I whe el aroun d. Rick and his two buddi es stand behin d me. I thoug ht they steer ed clear of this turf. "Wha t are you

doing here? " " Decid ed to come over and try to reaso n with these guys about their activit ies. The cops are going to catch on soon er or later, and it will make thing s hard for all of us," Rick answ ers. T

he click of switc hblad es being open ed draw s my attent ion back to the four thugs plann ing to make a meal out of Terry . " We don't want to play nice," one of the fang men crouc hing over Terry says. "You

three go back to your own turf or die along with these two." S hit. I broug ht every thing but my switc hblad e. I look down at my hand s and see claws juttin g from my finger tips. Gues s I don't need a switc

hblad e after all. I'm not the only one to notic e the claws . " She's a were wolf!" the leade r of the bad vamp ires shout s. "Kill her!" he order s his gang mem bers. "Kill them all!" I 'm not

up to spee d on gang proto col. I expe ct them to count to three or some thing befor e attac king us. Wron g. I sudd enly have a vamp ire in my face. He slash es out with his knife and barel y miss

es guttin g me. It's not that I try to hurt the guy right off, but I bring my hand s up to block anoth er knife attac k and slash his face open. He must be really hungr y beca use there' s not much blood . I think

what little he has drain s right out. He crum ples to the groun d. I glan ce up to see the leade r pullin g Terry' s head up by the hair. His fangs flash white in the darkn ess, then he desc ends towar

d Terry' s neck. In super spee d I rush him. I kick out and land a blow to his face. He stum bles back. Terry' s foreh ead hits the pave ment. Hard. " I'll kill you, bitch, " the leade r growl s up at me,

wipin g blood from the corne r of his lip. He licks his finger s after ward. Eww w. H e lunge s at me. He hits me so hard I fly back ward and hit the side of a buildi ng, knoc king the air

from my lungs . Abou t the time I mana ge to gasp, his hand close s aroun d my throat . He chok es me. My claws slash out at him. Blood spurt s from an injury on his neck. It splatt ers my face and hair.

That really pisse s me off. It's yucky . The blood suck er leans in and bites me. It hurts like hell. I'm not the least turne d on by it like Rick said wom en were. T hen I reme mber some thing else Rick said. The

vamp ire is about to move in for anoth er bite but sudd enly his face pales . He's pretty white anyw ay. I'm talkin g the color of milk here. He stum bles back, gaggi ng while holdi ng his throat . He crum ples to the

groun d, jerkin g and conv ulsin g until he finally lies still. Biting a were wolf killed him. I gues s he didn't know that woul d happ en. T hinki ng of Rick, I glanc e towar d him. His two friend s lie dead

on the groun d. The other two blood suck ers have him corne red. Rick' s dece nt, for a vamp ire. If I don't do some thing, he'll die. My hand s are fur cover ed. I have the claws and the teeth, now I need

the whol e pack age. I think about prom night. I think about Terry and what will happ en to him once the vamp ires have killed Rick. I think about the shad ows creep ing into the alley. The scent of blood havin

g draw n them. M y face hurts. My whol e body hurts. I hear the awful soun d of bone s crunc hing rearr angin g them selve s. My cloth es rip. I grow taller bigge r. Then I let out a roar that

woul d scare the dead. And it does. The two vamp ires huddl ed over Rick whee l in my direct ion. Their eyes wide n. They leave Rick, hold their switc hblad es in front of them, and stalk towar d me. Whe n one gets

within knifin g dista nce, my hairy arm shoot s out and knoc ks him ten feet throu gh the air. The other one flies at me. I swat him as easily as I did the other one. S udde nly, I'm surro unde d.

Four more vamp ires have slunk from the shad ows. I lunge forwa rd and attac k the one close st to me. This is sicke ning, even to me, but I tear his throat out. Anot her come s at me and I rake his face

with my claws . Rick jump s into the fray. He handl es one vamp ire while I pick up the other and snap him like a twig. I'm prepa red for anoth er attac k, but it does n't come . Rick stand s over the body

of the vamp ire he killed. The blood and carna ge aroun d me make s me sick. I 'm on all fours. My cloth es lie in shred s aroun d me. I'm not cold beca use I am cover ed by fur. I look down my face at a long snout

. I am a wolf but am I still me? I think so. I hear my thoug hts insid e my head. Glan cing at Rick, I feel no urge to hurl myse lf at him and rip his throat out. I watc h as he move s to wher e Terry lies.

" He's unco nscio us," he calls towar d me, as if it's perfe ctly norm al to conv erse with a wolf. "I gues s we need to get him to a hospi tal." Rick scoo ps up Terry in his arms. "Whe re's his car?" I 'm afraid

to spea k. Afrai d it will come out like a bark or a howl, or wors e, all distor ted and creep y soun ding like Dog Breat h. I have no choic e but to do the Lassi e thing. I take off, stop and turn to look

at him, run back, turn and run a few steps , turn to look at him. " I get it," Rick says. "Tak e me to his car." O nce we reach the El Cami no, Rick digs throu gh Terry' s pock ets and gets his keys.

He unloc ks the door and slides him insid e the pass enger side. I follow him aroun d to the driver side. " What , you think you'r e drivin g?" Rick asks. "Get in the back. I have allerg ies to anim al fur." I

grow l but he ignor es me, climb s insid e, and slam s the door. He starts up the El Cami no. I race to the alley wher e I stash ed my cloth es, grab the bag in my mout h, and race back and jump in the

back of the car. I 've done a lot of thing s since I came to New York seve n years ago. I've done runw ay, com merci als, catal ogue s, multi millio ndollar adver tisem ents to push every kind of

produ ct imagi nable . I've never ridde n in the back end of an El Cami no with the wind in my fur, the moon full abov e, looki ng at the world throu gh wolf eyes. It's cool. I look aroun d, mes meriz ed by

the sight s, as if I'm seein g them all for the first time. My sens es are sharp er than they have ever been. I see, smell , hear, and even feel more than I ever have. It's wond erful until the hair starts flying .

Litera lly. The fur starts comi ng off. My bone s hurt. My face hurts. It's excru ciatin g. By the time Rick pulls into Elmh urst Hospi tal, I'm nake d and shive ring. I fumbl e throu gh my bag to remo ve

the clown suit. Rick pulls into the back of the parki ng garag e wher e no one want s to park due to the dista nce to the eleva tors. H e gets out and catch es me squir ming aroun d on the freezi ng metal

bed of the El Cami no, trying to get the jump suit up over my hips. R ick's eyes about pop out of his head. If they did, it woul dn't surpri se me. Not on a night like tonig ht. " Who a," he says, turnin

g away . "I'm a vamp ire, not a geldi ng. Dam n, girl, you look like a super mode l." " I-I-I a-aa-m a ssuper mode l." H e turns back aroun d. "No shit? I thoug ht you looke d famili ar.

I've proba bly seen you on billbo ards, right? " " Yyes." A few shifts to the right and left and right again later, I pull the jump suit up and zip it close d. I'm glad it's wool, even if it's itchy. I pull on boots and

hop over the side of the El Cami no. " You'll have to handl e it from here, " Rick says. "I can't go in." " I'm sorry about your friend s." H e nods. "The y knew what they were up again st.

Thos e freak s in Quee ns are ruinin g thing s for the dece nt vamp ires." W hen I told Terry to look for bite mark s, I didn't realiz e I'd be puttin g Rick and those like him in dang er along with

the blood suck ers killing peopl e. Mayb e it wasn' t such a good idea to alert Terry to the probl em. Mayb e it's better if the world stays ignor ant about the mons ters who roam the street s at night. They have enou

gh huma n mons ters to deal with. " Than ks for your help tonig ht. I'm not sure what woul d have happ ened if you hadn' t come along ." H e shrug s. "I think you could have handl ed it. You are

one bada ss when some one gets your fur up." I supp ose he consi ders that a comp limen t. "See you aroun d," I say. R ick walks off into the shad ows. I grab my beaut y bag from the back and hop

into the El Cami no. I'll take Terry to the emer genc y entra nce. Then I have to figure out how to expla in to him how I just happ ened along and save d his life tonig ht.

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 3 I like maki ng new frien ds as much as the n ext pers on but girls with broa d shoul ders

a nd boys with fangs are not my prefe rred c hoice for brea kfast comp anion s. T he smell of baco n wake s me. For a mom ent, I'm back in Have n, wakin g for scho ol to the smell

of Norm a cooki ng break fast for me and Clive. I savor that mem ory. Life in a simpl er time. A time of innoc ence. Then I realiz e the smell is so stron g it can only be comi ng from my kitch

en. I shoot out of bed and plow throu gh the apart ment, skiddi ng to a halt in the kitch en. Nata sha stand s at the stove . Rick sits on Terry' s bar stool. "Wha t the hell is going on?" " Wake up, sleep yhea d," Nata sha

croon s. "I found your friend outsi de loiteri ng aroun d on my way back from the mark et. I aske d if he'd like to join us for break fast." M y head snap s towar d Rick. "I thoug ht you were n't a morni

ng perso n." " I want ed to show you some thing. Ask your opini on." I mme diatel y I know what he want s an opini on on. He's weari ng make up to give hims elf color and he's done some thing to his

teeth. " Not bad," I say. "Wha t'd you do?" " Filed them, " he answ ers. I slide onto the stool next to him. "Won 't that affect your ability to" I glanc e towar d Nata sha. She has her back to us, scra

mblin g eggs. "Fee d?" H e shrug s. "I didn't care. All night, I kept thinki ng about you, living a norm al life, and it made me hung er for more than blood . It made me think mayb e I could be norm al, too."

" Toast ?" W e glanc e acros s the kitch en towar d Nata sha. She has no clue she's servi ng a were wolf and a vamp ire. "Sure ," I call back. "Hey, how did you get in here? " N atash a walks

over and shov es a plate of baco n and scra mble d eggs in front of each of us. "Cind y calle d me. She was worri ed beca use she could n't get a hold of you last night. She told me wher e she keep

s a spare key and told me to chec k on you. I staye d awak e until I heard you come home last night, then I thoug ht you might like break fast this morni ng." I f Nata sha think s she can worm her way into

my heart throu gh my stom ach, she's absol utely right. It's why she woul d want to I can't figure out. What differ ence does it make if I like her or I don't ? Oh, God, mayb e she has a crush on me. R ick

takes a bite of scra mble d eggs. He wince s. " That bad? " I whisp er. " I don't usual ly eat food. It's not that I can't, it's just that it no longe r taste s good to me." M aybe goula sh is the

only thing Nata sha know s how to cook. I take a bite of my eggs. They' re delici ous. "Scra pe yours onto my plate and I'll eat them, too. I'm starvi ng." W hile Nata sha make s toast with her back to us,

Rick scrap es his food onto my plate. "Can I stay here today ?" I nearl y drop my fork. "Why ?" " Didn't get any sleep . Just thoug ht you woul dn't mind since I helpe d you out last night. " H

e's sayin g I owe him, which I gues s is true. What happ ened to my sanct uary? At least Rick alrea dy know s what I am. I don't have to hide anyth ing from him. The flip side is, I know what he is, too.

"Oka y, but you sleep on the couc h and no biting anyo ne aroun d here, under stand ?" " Got it," he says. "Are you going to the hospi tal to chec k on your friend this morni ng?? " " What friend ?" Nata sha

slides in next to us. " Terry . He's a detec tive with the city. He had a mish ap last night and is in the hospi tal. He was comp letely out of it last night. The docto r on duty told me to come back this morni ng."

" Is he hurt bad? " Nata sha asks, chom ping on a piece of baco n. " Just a conc ussio n. I'd better get ready and get down there. " " I'll clean up the mess ," Nata sha offers . "I have a

shoot later today ." " I'm going to crash . Than ks for break fast, Nata sha." S he nods and Rick goes to the other room to sleep on my couc h. "I want to thank you for break fast, too," I say. "It was

really good. " " I like to cook, " she says with a shrug . "Mak es me feel like I have famil y again ." N ow she's pushi ng her luck. "I have to clean up. Show yours elf out when you'r e

done, okay ? Don't distur b Rick. We were out partyi ng late last night. " " Okay ," Nata sha chirp s. She slides off her stool and starts clean ing up the break fast mess . A n hour later,

I'm show ered, chan ged, and ready to visit Terry at the hospi tal. I wear a turtle neck. I still have bite mark s on my neck from that creep who want ed to kill me last night. They shoul d heal quickl y and I hope

Rick was right when he said a bite can't turn an unnat ural into a vamp ire. That' s all I need. Nata sha has gone and Rick is aslee p on the couc h. I let myse lf out.

T erry in a hospi tal

gown is not anyth ing that will give me horny drea ms. He looks a little pale, has a band age on his head, but seem s okay all thing s consi dered . Whe n I walke d in, nurse s were buzzi ng aroun

d him chec king vitals. I can tell he can't wait for them to leave to start askin g quest ions. I tried to think of a plaus ible expla natio n as to why I just happ ened to be in a neigh borho od he warn ed me

away from. Ther e isn't one. I must fall back on my none xiste nt psyc hic abiliti es. " Dr. Ande rson said you could be relea sed today ," one of the nurse s says to Terry . "You shoul d have

some one drive you home . Mayb e this nice youn g wom an." She nods towar d me. "You'l l get a list of instru ction s upon relea se. Any quest ions will be answ ered at that time." T he nurse s file out

and I'm left alone with Terry . I start the conv ersati on. "How are you feelin g?" " Okay , but confu sed," he answ ers. "I can't really reme mber what happ ened last night. I heard a noise and went to

inves tigate . Every thing beyo nd that is blank ." " I found you unco nscio us," I provi de. "Som eone had obvio usly clubb ed you over the head. " T erry sits up and stare s at me. "How did

you find me, Lou? And why were you there when I told you that neigh borho od is dang erous ?" A cting and lying aren't the same thing, right? "I had one of my vision s," I tell him. "I saw you lying unco nscio

us. You told me what area you woul d be in. I found your car parke d and went looki ng for you." H e shak es his head, then wince s as if the motio n hurts. "I'm surpri sed you didn't get attac ked or wors

e. And how did you mana ge to get me in the car? I outw eigh you by at least a hundr ed and fifty poun ds." I shru g. "That freaki sh upper -body stren gth I have, I gues s. That and the adren aline

rush of knowi ng I need ed to get you to a hospi tal. Inste ad of riding my ass about it, mayb e you shoul d just thank me for savin g yours ." H e glanc es away . This is a hard pill for him to swall

ow. Being rescu ed by a wom an. A mode l who only worri es about shoe s and cloth es and make up. I enjoy watc hing him squir m. " You proba bly save d my life," he admit s. "That does n't mean I'm happ

y you riske d yours to do it. I can't figure out what whoe ver bash ed me over the head want ed. They didn't take my wallet or anyth ing." " Did you have your badg e?" I ask. " I alway s carry my

badg e." " Mayb e they saw it and thoug ht better of robbi ng a cop." " Mayb e," he agree s. " Do you want me to drive you home ? I can call a cab from your place ." T erry reach es for a cup

of ice water and flash es me with a glimp se of bare ass. I recon sider that a hospi tal gown can't be sexy on a man. "Som e of the guys came by this morni ng befor e shifts starte d. A coupl e offere d to give

me a ride if I got relea sed today . But, sure, if you don't mind. " A nurs e come s back in. "I have your relea se forms ready ," she says to Terry . "And your instru ction s. Your docto r was on the ball this

morni ng. Look s like you can go as soon as we're finish ed." S he hand s him his perso nal items , all seale d up neatl y in an envel ope. Terry takes out his keys and tosse s them to me. "Goo d thing

you know wher e I'm parke d." " He'll have to be taken down in a whee lchair ," the nurse tells me. "If you'll pull up at the hospi tal entra nce he can just get in the vehicl e." I rise from the only chair in the

room. "Oka y, I'll go down and get the car." N othin g is fast movi ng at a hospi tal. Two hours later I settle Terry back into his apart ment. He's hungr y and we order Chin ese to be deliv ered. I wait on

the deliv ery perso n while Terry show ers. While I wait I chec k my mess ages. T he first mess age is from Stefa n. He want s to know if I want to ride to Verm ont with him for the shoot . The seco

nd call is from Kare n. She want s to know if I want to ride with her. The third mess age is from Cindy . She's glad I'm all right since she could n't get a hold of me last night, but want s to know what'

s going on with me. S he has a meeti ng with her dad today and she's nervo us. The fourth mess age is from Morg an Kane . He has infor matio n and need s to talk to me in perso n. He says he'll be in

the office all day. Morg an's call gets top priorit y. A s soon as the food arrive s and I scarf mine down , I plan to call a cab and make a beeli ne for Morg an's rundown buildi ng. I wond er if Rick

is still nappi ng on my couc h. I wond er if he can still be a blood suck er with groun ddown fangs . I wond er if I'll go home to find every one in my buildi ng drain ed. " No food yet I take it from the

lack of smell ." Terry walks throu gh the apart ment in a towel and nothi ng else. He goes into the kitch en, open s the fridge , and takes out a soda. He lifts it up. "You want one? " " No, no food yet

and yes, I want one." I want more than a soda. Terry is built. I forgot how good he's built. I also know what' s bene ath the towel . T erry paus es in all his glory to hand me a soda. He's got great legs.

Long and musc ular. He's got great abs, too. A nice little eightpack. He also has a tent thing going on in the front of his towel . I glan ce up and lift a brow. "Is that a gun under your towel or are you just

happ y to see me?" H e grins at me. "Hap py to see you." I 'd be flatter ed but I'm fairly certai n Terry shoul d not be consi derin g havin g rough sex on his first hour home from the hospi tal.

Mayb e I can conc entrat e on not being rough . What am I doing ? This is the same man who think s I spen d all my payc heck s on shoe s. R eachi ng out, I take the soda. "Tha nks. And you can tell

Mr. Happ y, or what ever his name is, it's not happ ening ." H e shrug s. "You can't blam e a guy for trying ." Terry leave s the room. I assu me he went to get dress ed. Or at least I hope so. My

willpo wer is very weak . It's the beast in me, I gues s. Horn y bitch. She may be horny , but at least now I know she isn't a murd erer for the sake of being a murd erer. I killed last night, but it

was in selfdefen se and my mind was my own, altho ugh my body did a comp lete transf ormat ion. I have n't had much time to dwell on last night and what it mean s for me. I t mean s I don't

have to be afraid of myse lf. I still must be afraid for myse lf, but not of what I might do. I am not a beast witho ut huma n thoug ht to guide me to tell me wron g from right. I don't like killing . I'm not an

anim al exce pt in appe aranc e. I allow myse lf a mom ent of joy. A mom ent of relief. A mom ent to let it all sink in. A fter seve n years of being afraid , no, terrifi ed, over maki ng anoth er transf ormat ion

and killing again , I now have at least that answ er. S o my life isn't so good it isn't so bad, either . T he spea ker buzz er soun ds. "I'll get it," Terry says, movi ng throu gh the living

area in bagg y jeans and a Tshirt. He talks to the deliv ery perso n then buzz es them in. H e fishe s mone y from his wallet and a few minut es later a knoc k soun ds on the door. I rise

and take the food while he pays. It smell s delici ous and I'm hungr y even thoug h I pigge d out at break fast. I take our food boxe s to his small twotop table and set them down , then retrie ve my

soda from the coast er on the sofa table in the living room. T erry come s into the kitch en, digs out silver ware and napki ns, and we sit down to eat. I learn Terry isn't much for conv ersati on while he eats, but

that's okay, my mind has alrea dy gallo ped ahea d to my meeti ng with Morg an Kane , and what infor matio n he has for me.

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 4 T here' s one cons olatio n for girls who beat up men in bed. Som e like it roug h. K

ane has failed to make any impro veme nts to his buildi ng. I'm gues sing the rockstar busin ess does n't pay that well for him, or I was misin forme d and he's not that good at privat e inves tigati ng.

Whic h make s me a little nervo us about forkin g over the other fiftee n grand I drew out of the bank on the way over. T he mone y is his first conc ern. "You bring the other half?" I dig in my

beaut y bag and stack the cash on his desk. A certifi ed chec k woul d have been better , but I don't want anyo ne tracin g my activit ies. "Wha t infor matio n do you have ?" H e reach es out and

scoo ps the mone y into his top draw er. I gues s he does n't want me takin g it back if I fail to be impre ssed with what ever he's turne d up for me. " That infor matio n you gave me on your adopt ive

moth er's maid en name paid off." Kane leans forwa rd in his chair. "Just so happ ens a Norm a Ford was once empl oyed at Hawk ins Rese arch Facili ty in Gran dbury , Neva da. She work ed there as a secre

tary from 1977 throu gh 1980. In 1979 she marri ed Clive Billin gton. You were born in 1980. " I 'm shoc ked by Kane' s disco very. This is too much of a coinci denc e. " I did some resea rch on

Hawk ins Rese arch Facili ty. What they basic ally do is test exper iment al drugs for phar mace utical comp anies . Here' s what I'm thinki ng might be going on. A lot of drugs need testin g to see if there are any

harmf ul side effect s to a fetus. Wen dy Unde rwoo d work s for them, she finds herse lf in a famil y way, the guy runs out on her, she want s to put the baby up for adopt ion. Inste ad, the labor atory talks

her into takin g mone y to test these drugs , proba bly assur ing her they belie ve no harm will come to the fetus. Turns out they were wron g and there is some type of abnor malit y that show s up when the moth

er and fetus are teste d. You have any odd medi cal condi tions ?" o ever. "Not that I'm awar e of," I answ er. K ane conti nues. "Now the lab has a probl em. They have a moth er carryi D I

ng a baby with some type of birth defec t. Norm a Billin gton work s for the comp any. She's newly marri ed and mayb e she alrea dy know s she can't have kids for what ever reaso n. The labor atory offers a

baby to her. Wen dy Unde rwoo d's baby. The detail s are handl ed throu gh a legit adopt ion agen cy so every thing looks norm al. Wen dy Unde rwoo d takes her payof f and disap pears . Norm a Billin gton

takes her defec tive child and move s away to raise the child in a small town in Texa s." W hat type of drug could they have been testin g that woul d make me a were wolf? I think drug testin g for the

mark et is a stretc h and then some to expla in what has happ ened to me. But some thing happ ened in Neva da. " You need to let me go to Neva da," Kane stres ses again . "Som ethin g fishy is

going on at that lab." H e might find too many answ ers. "No, I told you, this is some thing I want to do toget her. I want a sens e of place wher e my biolo gical moth er lived. I also think you need me to help you

get infor matio n. The lab owes it to me to tell me if I have some type of defec t I'm not awar e of. I'll threat en them with legal ramifi catio ns if they don't. You just need to sit tight until I get back from a

mode ling shoot I have in Verm ont this week end." K ane sits back in his seat with a sigh. He runs a hand throu gh his hair to get it out of his face. "Oka y, you'r e callin g the shots . I just thoug

ht you'd be anxio us to find out what' s going on." " I am," I assur e him, which is the truth. "But first I have to honor my work oblig ation s. I leave in two days. I'll be back in five. We can wait."

" Cont act me the minut e you get back so we can make arran geme nts to fly out." " My dime, I'm assu ming, " I say sarca sticall y. H e shrug s. "Your probl em. Your dime. " W hat Kane

does n't know is that he's not going . I'll call him from Neva da and tell him I decid ed to snoo p aroun d on my own. He'll be mad as hell, but like he said, I'm the one callin g the shots . I don't

dare tell him now beca use he's just the type to go witho ut me while I'm in Verm ont. " So what' s happ ening in Verm ont, cupc ake?" I've figure d out bitchi ng at him about his pet name for me does no

good. I won't wast e my breat h. " Just a norm al shoot . Skiw ear." " Takin g your boyfri end? " " Not that it's any of your busin ess, but no, and for the recor d, he's not my

boyfri end." " Your decisi on or his? On the boyfri end part? " G atheri ng my beaut y bag, I rise and head towar d the door. Kane hurrie s from behin d his desk and meet s me at the door. " You know , you

don't strike me as the turtle neck type. Befor e it regist ers what Kane is about to do, he pulls my turtle neck down . I swat his hand away . "Wo w, that's some hicke y," he says. "Got a little r ough, didn't

he?" I kne w the day woul d come when Kane push ed me too far. Toda y is the day. I slam him up again st the wall. "Kee p your hand s and your com ment s to yours elf!" H e gives me that shit-

eatin g grin. "Noth ing wron g with the rough stuff. If you like it, that's fine. I'll tell you a secre t. I like it, too." H e's not just sayin g that. We'r e press ed up again st each other and he has a boner to beat

the band. Pun inten ded. I shov e away from him, grab the door, and storm out. "Perv ert," I mutte r on my way to the eleva tor. I don't have to turn aroun d to know Kane stand s in the hall; I'm sure he's starin g at

my ass as I walk away . He can stare all he want s but he's never gettin g a piece of it. N ow I don't feel the least bit guilty about not tellin g him he's not going to Neva da with me. It's for his own good.

I'm sure if I had to spen d more than thirty minut es with the man I woul d end up killing him. A t home , Rick has left me a note. What is it with men and notes ? Cops , vamp ires, they

all leave them. At least Rick didn't sign his. It's short and to the point. " Than ks for lettin g me crash on your couc h. See you arou nd." I n the kitch en, I find anoth er note. "I left dinne r in the refrig erato

r for you. If you want comp any later, let me know . Nata sha." W hat's the deal? I thoug ht the rule was to never feed a stray or they woul dn't leave . Not the other way aroun d. I'm still in a pissy mood

beca use of Morg an. I'm intrig ued by what he had to tell me, but the whol e cab ride home , I kept thinki ng about his boner . I gave two men a boner in the same day. I know what' s under Terry' s

towel , and I know it's nice. Morg an felt well, almo st twice as nice if you get my mean ing. Won der if he stuffs some thing down his pants ? I hear a lot of rock stars do. A nd why am I thinki ng

about this now? I have a ton of other thing s to think about . One of them is my upco ming travel plans . I've decid ed to go with Kare n, and proba bly again st my better judg ment, I'm askin g her if Nata sha can

tag along with us. If Kare n says no, I'll tell her Nata sha will bake us goodi es for the road. That shoul d seal the deal. S tefan soun ds disap point ed when I tell him I'm going with Kare n. I ask what'

s bothe ring him and he says his dad isn't doing well. His dad lives in Irelan d, so Stefa n can't just rush over to see what' s wron g with the guy. He says he thoug ht we could "talk" on the

ride. I'm thinki ng about two boner s today ; addin g a third woul d make me a real slut. I sugg est we "talk" later, mayb e while we're relaxi ng at the inn. Mayb e by the time I get to the shoot locati on, I'll

have figure d out what to say to him, or wher e I want our relati onshi p to go, or not go. B ecau se of my pissy mood , I don't invite Nata sha over. I feel guilty about this beca use I'm scarfi ng down her

goula sh. Terry calls at seve n, asks me wher e exact ly in Verm ont I'm stayi ng. Nata sha left the infor matio n for me along with her note. I give it to Terry and ask how he feels. He says okay, he's

worki ng on the possi ble conn ectio n betw een murd ers and missi ng girls in other state s durin g his time off. I think he's lonel y, but he does n't ask me to come over. We hang up after a strain ed

silenc e. M y freaki n' phon e rings again . I glanc e at the caller ID. It's Cindy . "Hey, stran ger," I say when I pick up. " Hey, stran ger yours elf," she says back. "Wha t's going on with you? You

never go out at night and I have n't been able to reach you for the past two." B ecau se I love Cindy and figure she has enou gh to deal with in the real world , I don't tell her about vamp ires who bite nice

and vamp ires who bite mean and girls who take being wolfy to the extre me. "Just hangi ng out," I say. "Coff ee with Terry ." Whic h isn't a lie. " Have you gotte n him in bed again yet?" " No, but I gave

him a hardon today ," I offer. " I gues s that's some thing. " I mov e to the couc h and plop down . "Tell me what' s happ ening on your end. Did you talk to your dad today ?" " What a

night mare, " she says gluml y. M y heart sinks. I'd hope d that her meeti ng with her dad went well. "Don' t tell me he was an ass." " He was an ass and then some ," she says. "He not only yelle

d at me, said I was going to hell, but he yelle d at Mom for askin g me to come home and visit. The only bright spot of the day was that she yelle d back at him." " Your mom ?" I'm shoc ked. " Yeah

," Cindy says with a laugh , and the fact she can laugh make s me feel better . "She got right in his red face. She said he wasn' t going to tell her what kind of a relati onshi p she could have with their only

child. She ende d up tellin g him to go to hell." " Wher e is she now? " " Down stairs in the hotel lobby , havin g a drink. " I sit up straig ht. "A drink drink or a soda or some thing ?" " Apple marti

ni, per my sugg estio n. I've got to get down there in a minut e and make sure she's not gettin g loope d and hittin g on the loung e singe r." T he pictur e of that make s me laugh . Cindy laugh s along

with me. "Hey, " she says, sober ing. "You' re being okay to Nata sha, right? I'd hate to think tellin g her you were really a nice perso n was a mista ke." " You could have let me know you told her

she could camp out at your place ," I scold her. "But yeah, I'm being all right to her. I'm even lettin g her cook for me. She's pretty good. " " Okay , I really have to go chec k on Mom. I can't wait to see

you in a coupl e of days. I miss you, kid." M y eyes get misty . I sniff. "I miss you, too. See you in Verm ont." A s soon as I hang up, the phon e rings again . Shee sh. "Wha t?" I snap

upon answ ering. N othin g. Then heav y breat hing. "Kan e, is this you?" N o answ er. M ore heav y breat hing. " Very funny . Real matur e." I start to hang up, then the laugh ter begin s.

Chills race up my spine . I slam the phon e down . How the hell does every one get my unlist ed numb er? I'm off the couc h in two seco nds, out the door, and poun ding on the one next to

mine. Nata sha answ ers. " I thoug ht we were going to hang out." S he practi cally beam s. "I made brow nies just in case. " " Brow nies! I love brow nies!" My enthu sias m is a little too much . I

push past her, shut the door and lock it, then head towar d Cindy 's kitch en. If I'm lucky, Nata sha know s how to make happ y brow nies. Two days can't get here fast enou gh for me.

C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 5 B ewar e of phot ogra pher s askin g you to bare your gifts. T he little inn nestl ed

away near Moun t Snow is fabul ous. It has Colo nial char m and all the furnit ure insid e is antiq ue. Kare n and I take in our surro undin gs while Nata sha hugs and laugh s with the owne rs. The car trip

wasn' t too bad. We mostl y pigge d out on the bake d goodi es Nata sha broug ht. The rest of the time we sang song s none of us knew the word s to and enjoy ed the beaut iful scen ery. S tefan

come s insid e, stom ping snow from his boots and looki ng very hand some in a black stocki ng cap. The man really need s to grow some hair. He smile s at us, walks over, and hugs each of us in turn. He

hugs me the longe st so I know I'm still his favori te mode l. Ive been scout ing aroun d tor a good locati on, he says. "The snow is marv elous . I can't wait to get starte d." " Can we unpa

ck first?" Kare n asks sarca sticall y. A bout that time what soun ds like a herd of horse s come s down the stairs . Cindy mater ialize s a minut e later. S he sque als when she sees me. What

the hell, I sque al, too. I drop my bags and we hug. "I've miss ed you so much !" she exclai ms. "And you," she says, huggi ng Kare n. "And you!" she shout s towar d Nata sha and rushe s over to

give her a hug. C indy looks great. Ther e's a bloo m in her chee ks and a spark le in her eyes. Goin g home has done her good, even if thing s didn't turn out so great with her dad. " The inn is busy,

" Stefa n says. "Ski seas on and all. Afrai d you girls are going to have to doubl e up, so pick your room mate s." K aren loops her arm in mine. "I get Lou." T his is odd. I norm ally thoug ht if anyo

ne had to pair up, I'd be with Cindy . Cindy know s it's close to my PMS time and won't be shoc ked if I walk out of the bathr oom with hair sprou ting from my chin. " Gues s Nata sha and I will room toget

her," Cindy says, casti ng me an apolo getic glanc e. I can't make a scen e witho ut hurtin g Kare n's feelin gs. She does n't know Nata sha that well and askin g her to room with her woul d be

awkw ard. Roo ming with Kare n is awkw ard for me. But what else can I do? " Great ," I say, puttin g an enthu siasti c face forwa rd. " Why don't you ladie s take your lugga ge up. Meet me in the

resta urant in thirty minut es and I'll buy you lunch . We need to talk about the shoot and what I expe ct." K aren groan s. "Wor k work work, " she mutte rs. "He's such a spoils port." W e grab

our lugga ge and head for the stairs . As rustic as the inn looks , each room has its own bathr oom and firepl ace. Kare n and I have two doubl e beds and a view that I'm sure I've seen on Chris

tmas cards . "This is some thing, " I say, starin g out the wind ow. "I don't like snow , and I hate snow in the city, but it's really beaut iful when sprea d like a blank et over the count rysid e." " I'm catch ing a

powe r nap," Kare n decla res. She throw s her lugga ge in a corne r and claim s a bed. "Wak e me up when it's time for lunch ." " Sure. " I place my lugga ge on the uncla imed bed and start to unpa

ck. Ther e's an antiq ue wardr obe comp lete with cloth hang ers. The wardr obe has two draw ers at the botto m. I'll claim one for the doze n or so turtle neck s I broug ht along with my under wear and

leave the other for Kare n. D ecidi ng to scop e out the bathr oom, I take my beaut y bag and toiletr ies into the small area. Show er only, but that's okay. I seldo m take baths . I close the door and take

a look at my neck. The bite mark s have almo st heale d, but they'r e still notic eable . H ope Kare n does n't find it odd for me to wear a turtle neck bene ath my favori te flann el paja mas. W

hen I exit the bathr oom, Kare n's alrea dy aslee p. I go next door to Cindy and Nata sha's room and knoc k. They don't answ er for a mom ent and I wond er if they' ve alrea dy gone down stairs to the resta

urant. I move away and the door open s. Cindy looks even more flush ed than she did down stairs . " Hey, Lou, what' s up?" I moti on her out to the hallw ay. She glanc es behin d her, says some

thing, and come s out and close s the door. " Wher e's the stuff you broug ht me?" " I pack ed it in a suitc ase. Mayb e I shoul d hold on to it if you don't want Kare n snoo ping in it." " Who says

Nata sha won't snoo p in it?" I ask. " Beca use my lugga ge was alrea dy here. Kare n know s what you broug ht. She might think an extra suitc ase showi ng up out of the blue is suspi cious ." C

indy's right. I'm itchin g to get my hand s on that suitc ase. It's been so long since I had anyth ing from my life befor e I ran away . I also want to see the note the Billin gtons left me. "Oka y," I agree

. "You hold on to it, but make sure Nata sha does n't snoo p aroun d in it." " Why woul d she snoo p aroun d in my stuff? Don't worry about that." " I'm bum med we're not roomi ng toget her," I tell her.

"I want ed to catch up on every thing that happ ened to you while you were visitin g your mom. " " Yeah , me too," she says. "I gues s we just have to make the best of it. We'r e only here for a few

days. " " Want to go down and have coffe e befor e every one show s up for lunch ?" C indy glanc es at the door behin d her. "Wha t about Nata sha? She might feel left out." I blink back at her.

"So?" S he sighs . "So. It's rude. " " Since when have we ever cared about being rude? Every one know s we're best friend s. She shoul dn't find it odd that after being separ ated we'd want to get toget her and

catch up." B iting her lip, Cindy glanc es at the door behin d her again . "I gues s," she says. "At least let me tell her I'm cuttin g out on her and we'll see her at lunch in a few." " Oh, tell her to wake

up Kare n befor e she come s down ." " Okay ." Cindy disap pears for a few minut es and then come s back out of the room. "Let's go. We only have fiftee n minut es befor e every one else joins

us." I link my arm with hers and we walk down the hallw ay towar d the stairs . "You look great, Cindy . What ever you'r e doing , keep doing it." S he smile s. "I plan to." O nce down stairs

, we enter the resta urant/ coffe e hous e/bar. That' s what the sign says. The inn isn't that big and the resta urant area isn't that crow ded. A few peopl e dress ed for skiing dot the table s. Cindy and I sit at

a twotop in one corne r near a crack ling firepl ace. " It's really pretty here, " I say. "Kare n does n't seem to appre ciate the scen ery, but since I don't ski, I've never been to a place like this."

" It is pretty ," Cindy agree s. "But I'm really missi ng home and my apart ment. Livin g in a hotel for a few days has made me appre ciate the comf orts of home ." " Prep are to find it more comf ortabl e

than when you left," I warn her. "I think Nata sha boug ht you dishe s. You know , the kind you don't throw away once you'v e eaten off them ?" C indy's chee ks bloo m bright er. "Prob ably just a thank

-you for lettin g her stay at my place ." " She's made your apart ment quite home y," I go on. "I gues s she broug ht some of her stuff over beca use I've notic ed adde d touch es here and there. Your apart ment

is starti ng to look like a grand ma lives there. " " Nata sha has oldfashi oned taste s," Cindy says. "I woul dn't call her taste 'gran dma style.' She told me she likes antiq ues and thing s." " I've

been nice to her." The waitr ess paus es befor e us and Cindy and I order coffe e, lettin g her know we'll be joinin g a group for lunch in a few minut es. I turn back to the conv ersati on. "But I can't say I won't be

glad when we get home that she's gone and you'r e back. I've miss ed you horrib ly." C indy reach es out and pats my hand. "I've miss ed you, too. Lou, I need to talk to you about that." M y

gaze natur ally scan s the room. I'm not surpri sed to see peopl e glanc e in my direct ion. I have a famili ar face, and if peopl e don't recog nize me as a mode l, they'r e usual ly trying to figure out

wher e they' ve seen me befor e. A lone man sits at a table in the back. He's really into the ski thing. He wear s a ski cap, dark goggl es, and is bundl ed up like he's still on the slope s. I wrinkl e my

nose. Peopl e must swea t bene ath all their ski gear. BO hang s heav y on the air. " Abou t what ?" My attent ion retur ns to Cindy . " Abou t when we get home ," she clarifi es. "Nata sha

won't be leavi ng." I 'm confu sed by her state ment. "Sure ly her apart ment has been fumig ated by now." C indy takes a sip of her coffe e. "Her apart ment was never being fumig ated, Lou. She move d in with

me." I 'm still confu sed. "So, you'r e room mate s now? " C indy rolls her eyes. "No, dimwi t. We'r e lover s." F or a mom ent I think Cindy is being sarca stic. Whe n I realiz e she isn't, it hits

me. "She' s the new friend you'v e been seein g? She went home with you?" " I didn't want to say anyth ing until I saw how we did toget her out of town. I gues s until I saw what my moth er thoug

ht of her, but yes, Lou, she's who I've been seein g." C onfus ion sets in again . "She said she didn't like girls. She slept with Stefa n. Is she bi or what ?" S ighin g, Cindy leans back in her chair. "It's

hard to expla in, but no, she's not bi. She thoug ht no one liked her and the only way to be acce pted into the group was to sleep with Stefa n. She thoug ht it woul d win her popul arity point s, not alien

ate her furthe r. She was really down when she told me all this. I aske d her pointblank if she was gay and she said yes, but she thoug ht admit ting as much woul d hurt her caree r." " Do I have gayd

ar or what ? I told you she was gay." " You think every one is gay, Lou. Whe n you think every one is gay you'r e boun d to be right once in a while. " N ow that I know the truth about Nata sha,

and her relati onshi p with my best friend , I have to ask myse lf if I'm happ y for Cindy or not. Coun tless times I've said to her and to myse lf that all I want is for Cindy to meet a nice girl and settle

down . All I want is for her to be happ y. O ur whol e relati onshi p is about to chan ge. I'm not going to be numb er one with Cindy anym ore. She won't be avail able for me at the drop of a hat. I'm

not sure how I feel. Hone stly, I am sure. I don't like it. " Give me time to adjus t to the idea," I say. "It's hard when one friend move s on and the other one does n't." " But you are movi ng on, Lou,"

Cindy says quietl y. "You' re maki ng new friend s. Shee sh, sleep ing with men. Sear ching for your birth moth er, and I gues s now your adopt ive paren ts. What' s happ ening to us is norm al. It was

what our lives were befor e the chan ges starte d that wasn' t norm al." S entim ental crap alway s gets to me. I sudd enly feel weep y. Dam n PMS is starti ng up. Great . "Who 's going to take

care of me?" I ask, on the verge of a sniffl e. C indy smile s her wise smile . "You are," she answ ers. "You' ve been takin g care of yours elf for seve n years , Lou." I supp ose she's right. Cindy

is usual ly right, which is one of the thing s that anno ys the hell out of me about her. "Nata sha had better be good to you. She'll get a visit from a were wolf if she isn't." M y friend 's laugh has never

soun ded so genui ne. She is happ y, I realiz e, and okay, some wher e down deep in the dark pit of my selfis h soul, I feel joy for her. I have a new friend , too. And mayb e Cindy is better off living

in her world than being dragg ed into mine. Mine is just plain weird . I 'm not sure if I shoul d tell her about the transf ormat ion. If I tell her, I'd have to expla in what led up to it. She's better off thinki ng it

will never happ en to me again . I love Cindy . I want her to be bless ed by ignor ance. " Hey, you two, come over and join us." S tefan calls to us from a few table s over. He has four crew mem bers, Nata

sha, and Kare n sittin g with him. They' ve put three table s toget her. "Shal l we join the party ?" Cindy asks, and I know by the soft look in her alientype eyes, she's not just talkin g about our shoot

buddi es. " Sure, " I answ er. "Why not." I thou ght this was a ski party. No one said anyth ing about beac h blank et bingo in the snow . At least not until Stefa n dropp ed that surpri se on

me durin g lunch . I'm mad as hell about it, too. I gave him the cold shoul der throu gh the rest of lunch . O nce we're back in our room, Kare n asks, "So we're mode ling bikini s in the snow inste

ad of skiwear ? What' s the big deal, Lou? It's not like we have n't mode led under wear durin g a blizza rd, reme mber ?" T he big deal is the big hicke y on my neck I thoug ht I woul d get away

with hidin g. And my PMS make s me unrea sona ble and bitch y. "I don't like to freez e my ass off for the sake of prosp erity and Stefa n know s it. He purpo sely led me to belie ve we woul d be mode

ling skiwe ar for this shoot ." " He want ed you to come ," Kare n says, wiggli ng her eyebr ows. "You have to admit the settin g is pretty roma ntic. Pictur e this. You and him, a kingsized bed,

and a cozy fire. If that does n't warm you up, there' s some thing serio usly wron g with you, girl." S tefan knew by the look I gave him at lunch there woul d be no cuddl ing betw een us. At least not until I

cool off. I gues s as far as our relati onshi p goes, I can't put him off forev er. I'm just not sure how to handl e it. Or him. I 'm confu sed about my feelin gs. Can I really be in love with Stefa n and

be in lust with Terry ? Can I be in love with anyo ne until I figure out what' s going on with me? I know in order to love, a perso n must trust. I don't trust any man to love me for who and what

I am. I gues s I just answ ered my own quest ion. " Us girls are going scout ing aroun d befor e dinne r. Want to come with us?" Kare n asks. N ormal ly I woul d be game , but I'm feelin g a

little blue. Nata sha and Cindy made their new relati onshi p know n to all when they held hand s and whisp ered in each other' s ears all throu gh lunch . Kare n think s it's great. I'm trying to, but I'm

not there yet. Besid es, if the girls are gone, I can snea k into Cindy 's room and look throu gh the suitc ase. I'll have her leave me the key. " I'm tired. I think I'll nap befor e dinne r. You guys

go and have fun." " Ther e's lots of shop s and stuff," Kare n says, trying to tempt me. "We even talke d about grabb ing dinne r in town if they have a place that looks dece nt." " I may just order

some thing broug ht up," I say. "I'm sure they have room servi ce. Reall y, I'm tired and woul dn't be good comp any. Freak in' PMS. " " Oh." Kare n nods her under stand ing. "I'm horrib le durin g PMS.

I lock myse lf in my apart ment and don't go out in case I kill some one." I ronic. I laugh . "Yea h, me too." K aren glanc es at herse lf in a mirro r that's hung over an antiq ue basin and sink. She pats her

hair, grabs her purse , and head s for the door. " Hey, woul d you ask Cindy to step in here for a minut e befor e you all leave ? I need to ask her some thing. " " Sure, " Kare n answ ers. She

paus es to glanc e at me with conc ern. "You' re okay about this thing betw een her and Nata sha, right? " ' "Cour se I'm okay with it," I answ er. "Why woul dn't I be?" S he shrug s. "Well , broad

shoul ders sleep s with your man, then she sleep s with your best friend . Next she'll be hoppi ng into bed with me." M aybe my gayd ar isn't that good. "And you woul d feel how about that? " " Not recep

tive," Kare n assur es me. She grins. "Your man, well, that's anoth er matte r. I swea r if you don't jump him soon I'm going to. Ther e is a statu e of limita tions on that sort of thing, and I think seve n years

is long enou gh, Lou." " I have been warn ed," I say sarca sticall y. "If you jump him, just don't tell me about it, okay ?" " Deal, " she says a little too cheer fully. I wond er if I've just given her

permi ssion . Does she need my permi ssion ? Yes, I think accor ding to the friend 's hand book she does. Kare n leave s and Cindy come s in a few minut es later. " Kare n says you aren't going with us. Lou,

if you'r e upset about Nata sha and me, mayb e I shoul d stay and we shoul d talk more about it." " Conc eited much ?" I ask. "I want to stay beca use I want to look at the stuff you broug ht and I

want priva cy. Give me your room key so I can go in there and get the suitc ase while you'r e gone. " C indy frown s at my sarca sm. She fishe s the key from her pock et and hand s it to me. "It's

the blue suitc ase in the corne r behin d the red suitc ase." " Than ks. And have fun." S he paus es at the door. "After I gathe red what I thoug ht you woul d want, I thoug ht about some thing.

I looke d at those photo s and I said, that's not my friend . Not the friend I know and love now. Mayb e you need to bury Sherr y Billin gton for good, Lou. You'r e not her anym ore." T he door close s. Do

I really want to take a stroll down a mem ory lane that was for the most part a painf ul walk for me? Do I want to revisi t that plain girl who was so unha ppy most of the time? I've alway s been

a glutto n for punis hmen t. I go get the suitc ase. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 6 A walk down mem ory lane can be painf ul. Like

m ourni ng the loss of some one you once loved . O r even some one you realiz e you once hate d. But s ometi mes while you'r e searc hing for answ ers that h ide withi n hazy imag

es of who you once were, t he truth jump s up and bites you on the ass. I sit on my bed, the blue suitc ase open and pictur es from my past scatt ered aroun d me. A sadfaced little

girl with string y hair and toopromi nent buckteeth sits on a tricycl e in front of a hous e wher e the lawn need s mowi ng. A wom an stand s behin d her, straig ht and stern looki ng, no smile on her face.

Chris tmas. A tree. Pres ents. Still no sign of joy. A skinn y girl with big eyes and a skinn ed knee stand s with her arm throw n aroun d a taller girl with dark hair and haunt ed eyes. G rabbi ng a Kleen ex, I

wipe my wet chee ks and blow my runny nose. I knew my past was painf ul, but some how I had mana ged to make it into some thing it wasn' t. After I ran away , I need ed a place to visit in my mind

wher e there were no fangs or fur or claws . No blood y corps es of a boy I had killed on prom night. A place wher e I suffer ed the illusio n I was happ y and norm al. Pictur es don't lie. I was never happ y and

norm al. This is what Cindy saw. This is what she want s me to bury. I reac h for the note the Billin gtons left me. Follo w the signs . What signs ? I put the note aside and stare at my high scho ol

yearb ook. I'm hesit ant to walk down that partic ular part of mem ory lane. It was the worst time of my life. At least the kid on the tricycl e hadn' t yet learn ed how cruel other childr en can be. B

efore I talk myse lf out of it, I flip open a page in the yearb ook. Junio r class. All one page of it. Ther e are two page s of senio rs. With tremb ling finger s, I turn to the next page. Being a B, I'm right there at the top.

Me with a stupi d bow in my hair. I laugh when I see Cindy 's pictur e. She didn't even bothe r to comb her hair. My gaze lands on Tom Daws on. He was goodlooki ng, smilin g that wolf smile of his. No

one woul d gues s by looki ng at him that his soul was so dark, his hatre d so deep. I can't look at him. I flip back ward, but there he is again . The footb all team, grinni ng like the idiots they all

were jerse ys off, posin g to show off their tattoo s. Wolv erine s. A flash goes off in my head. The man walki ng away at Fred die Z's. The only letter s I could see. INES . WOL VERI NES. " Oh,

my God," I whisp er. The page s flip throu gh my finger s. On the insid e page of the yearb ook, wher e usual ly good wishe s from class mate s are writte n, I see Cindy 's note to me and one that

was not there befor e. Y ou are not the only one. Tom was adop ted, too. We don't know what happ ened . Why he is gone , and you are gone , but you were neve r like him. His pare nts

were afrai d of him. They told us he was alwa ys cruel. He tortur ed anim als. He hid his dark natur e behin d a swee t smile . He is a wolf in shee p's clothi ng. We pray you have not beco me

one of his victi ms. Kno w there are other s like you, Sherr y. Som e can help you, some can hurt you. We pray you are safe. We pray you are still norm al. If you have chan ged, you will have quest ions.

Som e thing s are bette r left alone . But we know you too well. Start in Neva da. And trust no one. M y hand s shaki ng, I drop the yearb ook and grab my cell. I have to warn Terry about

Tom Daws on. Whe n I flip my phon e open, I get nothi ng. Ther e's no signa l. I crawl acros s the bed and grab the phon e on the night stand . After readi ng the instru ction s for an outsi de line

and punc hing in the numb er, I hear Terry' s phon e ring. His answ ering mach ine picks up. " Terry , if you'r e there pick up." I wait for a few seco nds. "Terr y, the were wolf killer' s name is Tom Daws

on. I went to high scho ol with him. Plug him into the syste m and see if you can pull anyth ing up. Call me." A fter I hang up, I'm too nervo us to sit still. I pace back and forth, glanc ing at the relics

of my past. Cindy is right. I am not Sherr y Billin gton anym ore, nor will I ever be. If the past were even a nice place to visit, I woul d keep the items she broug ht me. It's time to let them go. C indy

had cram med the items in a large envel ope. I tear out the senio r pictur e page with Tom leerin g back at me, then shov e every thing else in the envel ope. I'm going to burn it. The firepl ace in the

room isn't lit. I imagi ne some one come s in and does that in the eveni ng. Ther e is a bar down stairs . I'm gues sing they have matc hes. I grab my coat and put it on, shov e the envel ope and my cell phon

e in my beaut y bag, and go down stairs . Altho ugh smok ing isn't allow ed in bars these days, for some reaso n, they alway s have a heapi ng bowl of matc hes on the bar, I gues s to rub it in for

those who do smok e. I grab a handf ul of matc hes, turn aroun d, and run into Stefa n. " Lou? I thoug ht you went with the other girls." " Hi, ah, no, had some other stuff to do in my room. "

H e slides his arm throu gh mine. "Goo d. I hope d we could find time alone to talk. How about I buy you a drink ?" S tefan obvio usly think s an answ er isn't requir ed. He steer s me towar d the same cozy

twotop Cindy and I share d coffe e at earlie r. "I still have some stuff to do," I say. R unnin g a hand over his bald head, he sighs . Look, I know you'r e mad about the swim suit thing. I didn't

tell you beca use I knew you woul dn't come , and Lou, I want to talk to you. Ignori ng me will not make me go away . I have feelin gs for you. I think you have feelin gs for me, too." B uryin g my past for

good will have to wait. It's time I resol ve this issue with Stefa n. I'm no longe r confu sed. I know what I must do. "All right, " I say, takin g a seat. " What do you want from the bar and I'll run

and get it for us. Apple marti ni?" " Shot of Wild Turke y." H e takes a step back. "Sinc e when do you drink rotgut ?" " Since I need it," I answ er. S hrugg ing, Stefa n leave s to get

our drink s. My hand s still shak e and I shov e them into my pock ets. I get that prickl y sens ation at the back of my neck, like some one is watc hing me. The bar is deser ted exce pt for me and Stefa n and

the guy maki ng drink s behin d the bar. Why is Tom Daws on still alive ? I was sure I killed him on prom night. I woke nake d and shive ring, blood bene ath my nails and a moun d of dirt besid e me that

assur ed me I had burie d him. " One shot of Wild Turke y." Stefa n sets my drink in front of me. He settle s acros s from me. I down the shot quickl y. " Dam n," he says. "Let me at

least catch up." Stefa n drink s Crow n and Coke . He down s his drink then motio ns the barte nder for two more. " Surel y what you have to say to me does n't call for both of us being drunk ," he tease

s. " I'm not sure what to say to you," I admit . I'm sure, just not sure how to say it witho ut hurtin g his feelin gs. H e studi es me over the rim of his empt y glass . "It's not going to

happ en, is it? Me and you? You'r e hook ed up with some one else. With that cop." " I'm not hook ed up with him," I corre ct him. "I have a relati onshi p with him, but it's not serio us. At least

not at the mom ent." " Then why do you keep shutti ng me out? I never worri ed about the men in your past. You alway s left them befor e anyth ing got starte d. But since I know you'r e spen ding

time with some one now, it spurr ed me into actio n. I gues s I'm afraid of losin g you." I supp ose jealo usy tactic s do work, if that was what I was trying to do with Terry . But it wasn' t. I reach acros s the

table and place my hand on top of his. "You' re never going to lose me. At least not as a friend . Som eday, thing s might be differ ent for us. Right now, I like them the way they are." H is big pupp

y-dog eyes actua lly turn misty for a minut e. He blinks and sets his empt y glass on the table. "You' re the only wom an I can't have, Lou." I sque eze his hand. "May be that's why you want me. Mayb e you need

to exam ine the reaso ns you sudd enly want a relati onshi p beyo nd what we've had all these years ." H e glanc es up at me. "I know the reaso n. I love you. I've loved you from the first

mom ent I saw you." I chok e on my own saliva . Than kfully the barte nder puts my whisk ey in front of me and I grab the glass and take a drink. Heari ng Stefa n say those word s caus es all kinds of emoti

ons to explo de insid e of me. None of which I have the time to exam ine at the mom ent. We were imme diatel y draw n to each other. I do know that. A fter what I had exper ience d with Tom Daws

on, it surpri sed me to feel that conn ectio n with Stefa n the minut e he walke d into the cafe wher e I work ed. And if we had that conn ectio n, why did we both refus e to act upon it? Why wasn' t Stefa

n the first man I made love to? Inste ad I had chos en some one I hardl y knew simpl y beca use I want ed to wipe away the mem ory of Tom' s attac k. W ho woul d have been better than Stefa n to teach

me about sex? And yet I put up a wall betw een us from the start. I'm still doing it, and I don't know why. No, I do know why. I've know n why from the begin ning. He's given me too much to decei ve

him the way I woul d have to decei ve him if our relati onshi p were more than what I've let it be. I do love him, but I have to learn to love and trust myse lf befor e I can ever fully give my heart

to a man. I'm going to work on that. Just as soon as I bury my past. H e's waitin g for a respo nse, and it's not going to be the one he want s. "I love you, too, Stefa n, but I'm not in love with you.

I'm not ready for that type of com mitm ent with a man. Whe n I am, I hope you'r e still in my life, but if you'r e not, I'll alway s treas ure the friend ship we've share d these past six and a half years .

Whe n I fall in love, I want to fall all the way. I want to give it every thing I have. I can't do that right now." S tefan pulls his hand from bene ath mine. "Tha nk you for being hone st. That'

s one thing I've alway s loved about you. Your hone sty." T hen he can't be in love with me. I've basic ally been lying to him since we met. Lying beca use I can't tell him the truth. Som ehow , I think if I

loved some one the way I shoul d, I could be hone st. Abou t every thing. S tefan finish es his drink and rises. "I'm off now to drow n my sorro ws in the priva cy of my room. " I don't belie ve him

for a mom ent. He's off to find a repla ceme ntif only for the night. I still don't like that. Mayb e beca use he's sellin g hims elf short. He alway s has. Deep down , I don't belie ve he's just a playb oy out to

sleep with every wom an he meet s. He's missi ng some thing, I don't know what, but this is the way he comp ensat es. I watc h him leave , grab my matc hes and my ugly past, and head outsi de. I

have never smell ed air so crisp and cold and clean . The snow crunc hes bene ath my boots as I make my way along a path clear ed behin d the inn. The path leads to a wood pile stack ed high, and beyo nd

that, to a thick forest of leafle ss aspe ns. The moun tains make a beaut iful back drop, pristi ne white with a blue sky darke ning as eveni ng appro ache s. M aybe I'm wron g to dislik e snow . The

only time I've really seen it is when it muck s up the city and make s gettin g aroun d diffic ult. Out here, it looks as if it belon gs. As if it's showi ng off, and with good reaso n. Glitte r shim

mers, catch ing the sinkin g sun. It takes my breat h away . So does trudgi ng aroun d in it at high altitu de in boots that are more for show than snow . I don't plan to go far, just far enou gh so that no

one sees smok e from my burni ng past and come s to inves tigate . T he wood pile is stack ed so high I use it as a barrie r betw een me and whoe ver might be glanc ing out a back wind ow at the inn.

Smok y Bear woul d not be happ y about me doing this. I move a little farthe r from the wood pile. Bendi ng, I scoo p snow so that I have a pit of sorts. My hand s are freezi ng and I blow on them to

thaw my finger s. I lay the envel ope in the pit and dig in my beaut y bag for the matc hes. I t takes sever al attem pts to set the envel ope on fire. I finally have to dous e it with a little hairs pray

to get it going . Sittin g back on my haun ches, I watc h it burn. Once my past is nothi ng but ashe s, I'll cover it with snow to make sure I don't caus e a fire. I hold my hand s over it, lettin g the

warm th sprea d to my finger s. " What' s this obse ssion you have with settin g thing s on fire?" T he voice startl es me. I glanc e up. A man leans again st an aspe n. The sinkin g sun casts him in shad

ow. It does n't matte r that I can't see his face. I know who he is. " You'r e supp osed to be dead, Tom. " H e shrug s away from the tree and appro ache s me. "Som etime s your past just won't

stay burie d. Soon er or later, it alway s catch es up to you." I rise from my crouc hed positi on next to the burni ng envel ope. "Why are you stalki ng me?" T om laugh s and it has that garbl ed soun

d to it. "You know why. You took away my life. I had schol arshi ps. I had a future , and one skinn y, ugly little girl, a nobo dy, took that away from me. You made me a mons ter." H e does n't know , I realiz

e. He's unaw are that he was alrea dy a mons ter. I supp ose when he trigge red me, I trigge red him. The small flame from the burni ng envel ope casts light acros s his face. It isn't a face I expe ct to see.

The wolf in him is hidde n. Tom was a goodlooki ng boy in high scho ol; now, he's short of magn ificen t. No wond er he so easily lured wom en to their death s. " You'r e surpri sed," he says,

as if readi ng my respo nse. "And you were so bright in high scho ol. Look at yours elf, Sherr y. If chan ging can do that for you, you shoul d have imagi ned what it woul d do for some one good-

looki ng to begin with." I neve r consi dered it beca use for all those years , Tom was dead in my mind. Why does the chan ge inclu de a transf ormat ion to beaut y? To lure, I realiz e. To attrac t. Som ethin g built in to

assur e survi val of the speci es? I t took me a while to find you," he says. "I knew you'd be better looki ng than you were in high scho ol, but I didn't expe ct you to be a fucki ng super mode l. Of

cours e as you know , I did event ually figure it out. Som ethin g in your eyes as you stare d back from all those photo s plast ered every wher e. The haunt ed look you had even when you were ugly. You can't

hide that." A nd so I am living a false sens e of secur ity to belie ve no one will ever asso ciate me with Sherr y Billin gton. Tom just prove d that to me. "All those wom en you'v e killed. Did you kill them

beca use you thoug ht they were me?" H e laugh s. That horrib le soft laugh that send s shive rs up my spine . "No. I killed them beca use it felt good. They were nobo dies, too, wanti ng to be some body.

So gratef ul that a man who looks like me woul d be intere sted in girls who were n't the pretti est, or the bright est, or anyth ing at all. I've track ed you from Texa s to New York, but I was in no hurry. I had

my fun along the way." R age churn s bile in my stom ach. All those poor wom en. Wom en who, like me at one time, could never see past the outer surfa ce of a perso n. If ever there was a perfe ct exam

ple of beaut y being only skin deep, Tom is it. " I didn't make you a were wolf," I tell him. "You were alrea dy one, just like me. We trigge red each other on prom night when you attac ked me." H e cocks

his head to one side, very much like a dog does at times , as if trying to under stand huma n word s. "That' s a load of shit. You made me a mons ter. It's your fault!" L ike most murd erers, Tom need s

some one to blam e for his psyc hosis . I doubt that I can convi nce him of the truth. I'm not even sure what the truth is. He steps close r and I back up. My little fire still burns , the photo s holdi ng up the

proce ss. " I figure killing you might end this for me," he says. "But first, I want ed to show you how it feels to see your life slippi ng away . I knew some thing about me made you chan ge. Pred ator

sensi ng preda tor. I want ed you to suffer what I've suffer ed befor e I kill you." I won der why the chan ges have n't alrea dy starte d for me. Tom must be stand ing down wind. I can't smell him. I'll

have to get close r. That could be deadl y. He hasn' t starte d the chan ging proce ss, either . Why? " What trigge rs you?" H e smile s. "Rag e, fear, sex. My rage, a wom an's fear, sex of any

kind." T his man, this THIN G, has terrifi ed me in drea ms for seve n years . He'd like for me to be afraid now. "You don't scare me," I let him know . "I'm not helpl ess. I can fight you." T om grins.

"The n I gues s it'll have to be sex with you. You shoul d have just given it to me on prom night. We could have avoid ed all of this." M y rage build s. I reme mber the beati ng, the humil iation , the near-

rape. "I thoug ht you got the mess age that I didn't want to have sex with you when I rippe d your face off." H e winks . "You were just playi ng hard to get. All wom en want to have

sex with me." I 've often heard that in the mind of a rapist , this is a com mon belief . The wom an want ed him to. The wom an was askin g for it. It's alway s the wom an's fault in their delus ional way of

thinki ng. Dark ness is close to fallin g, and so is the temp eratu re. Ther e's only one way to kill Tom Daws on again . Egg him on. " You want it, come get it," I chall enge. H e does. T om

lunge s acros s the flimsy fire and knoc ks me to the groun d. His breat h abov e me is like I reme mber. Fetid despi te the white tooth paste smile . I'm fairly certai n he eats raw meat. I'm more than certai n he is not going

to rape me. I bring my knee up betw een his legs. A grunt of pain explo des from his mout h. " Bitch, " he growl s, then takes a handf ul of my hair and bang s my head again st the groun d. The

snow softe ns the blow. I smell him now. His foul odor. The scent begin s the transf ormat ion. I use my upper body stren gth to switc h our positi ons. " What do you do when a wom an isn't afraid , and when

she's stron ger than you?" H e prove s I'm not stron ger by knoc king me aside . I roll in the snow . He rises up from the groun d, and I swea r he's taller than he was. " Then I just get pisse d off!" he

growl s at me. H is eyes glow red in the neardark. If I'm going to survi ve, I need to get just as pisse d off as he is. Rem embe ring I was once at the merc y of this mons ter helps . Rem embe ring the way

he hit me when I resist ed the way he made me feel like a nobo dy. I lift my hand, reliev ed to see claws . My skin itche s. I welco me the unple asant sens ation. T om stum bles towar d me, nearl y trips

over my beaut y bag and kicks it aside . It lands on top of my flimsy fire. That really enrag es me. All my make up is in there. He's proba bly broke n some thing. I lunge at him and scrat ch his face

with my claws . H is pretty face isn't so pretty by the time he mana ges to shov e me away . I fly back ward and hit a tree. It knoc ks the breat h from me again . While I gasp, he marc

hes towar d me. His nose lengt hens into a snout . The transf ormat ion come s quick er for him. He's done it more often than I have. The seam s of my cloth es burst. At least I know I'm on my way. Whe n

Tom lunge s at me again , I move and he hits the tree. He stum bles back a step. His own clum sines s fuels his anger . He tilts back his head and howls . T he soun d send s a chill down

my spine . In the silenc e that follow s, I hear my cloth es rip. I'm not cold anym ore. I think I've grow n a fur coat. Tom now has hair on his face and hand s. Shar p ugly teeth protr ude from his

gums . I migh t need an equal izer. I know I'm stron ger than an avera ge man. I don't think I'm stron ger than an avera ge male were wolf. My gaze darts from left to right. The wood pile isn't far. A

good sturd y log shoul d help even thing s out. I take off. Tom jump s into my path. I run into him and knoc k him back, but he scra mble s forwa rd, blocki ng my way. I need a distra ction. " Stop or I'll

shoot !" T erry stand s a few feet away , his gun level ed at Tom. I can't belie ve my eyes, and if Terry sees as well in the dark as I do, I don't imagi ne he can, either . But I don't think Terry can see as

well. He's squin ting. It's nearl y dark. The probl em is rectifi ed a mom ent later. A big fiery blast explo des from the fire pit I dug. Tom Daws on stand s too close to the pit. He goes up in a big ball of flame . The

howl that soun ds from him this time is one of pain. I n a maca bre danc e, he stum bles towar d me. Terry fires his gun and drops him. Tom make s a big fire, and I know any minut e, Terry will take

his eyes off his target and glanc e towar d me. I know what he will see. I have no choic e but to run. " Lou!" Terry shout s. "Lou, come back. He can't hurt you now!" I keep movi ng. I still have my

cloth es on, altho ugh they'r e rippe d in sever al place s. Since I can't feel the cold, I must assu me I'm still weari ng the fur coat. I run deep er into the trees. Whe n I glanc e back, I still

see Tom' s burni ng body. I don't see Terry , thoug h. I assu me he's comi ng after me. T here are adva ntage s to being a were wolf. I see in the dark, and I run faster than the avera ge perso n.

T hat isn't sayin g that Terry is avera ge, only that he's not up to spee d. I keep movi ng. " Lou!" H is voice echo es aroun d me. He's franti c. I'd rathe r have him franti c than scare d to death of

me. I wond er if were wolve s can climb trees. I hook my claws into a sturd y aspe n and give it a shot. I shim my up that thing with a spee d that woul d make a monk ey jealo us. Then I wait. T

erry pass es bene ath me a few minut es later. Fool. He's going to get hims elf lost if he keep s looki ng for me. Froze n, too. From my vanta ge point, I look back towar d the inn. Tom Daws on's body is still on

fire. He's toast. I don't think he can come back from the dead this time. While Terry searc hes for me, Tom is being crem ated. I notic e the cold. Liftin g one hand, I see that my claws have retrac ted. I touch my

face. Still hair, but as I rub it falls away . Runn ing my tongu e over my teeth, I don't snag on any fangs . I'm nearl y back to norm al. That' s a good thing. And that's a bad thing. I look down . It's a hell

of a drop. C O N F E S S I O N N O . 2 7 T here are wors e thing s than being a were wolf supe rmod el. Bein g dead tops

the list. T erry appe ars belo w me again . He cups his hand s to his mout h. "Lou! " Ther e's no way I can get out of this tree by myse lf. Climb ing up it seem ed like such a good

idea at the time. That must be what cats think. Hey, there' s a bigass tree. I think I'll climb it and worry about gettin g down later. "Terr y." H e looks aroun d. "Lou ?" " Up here. " H is head swive

ls back. "Lou ? How the hell did you get up there ?" " I, ah, climb ed. Now I can't get down ." " Are you all right? " " I have a branc h up my ass." " Stay there. I'll run to the

inn and see if they have a ladde r." " If I could go some wher e I woul d," I point out. T erry takes off. " Hey, bring back a blank et. I'm freezi ng up here! " I call after him. I 'm not that

cold. My cloth es are fur lined even if my body no longe r is. But I figure the blank et will hide that fact when and if I ever set foot on solid groun d again . In the dista nce, Tom still burns , altho ugh not

as bright ly. Is the night mare really over? I keep expe cting him to get up and come after me. Real life is thank fully not a B movi e and he does n't. W hat seem s like an eterni ty later, I hear the soun d of

feet crunc hing throu gh the snow . Terry and my crew race towar d me with a long ladde r. Nata sha's Russi an inn owne r friend s paus e in front of Tom' s smol derin g body and spray him

with fire extin guish ers. The smell of his burne d flesh hang s on the air. " Lou!" Cindy appe ars bene ath me. "Oh, my God, Lou. Are you all right? " " I'm okay, " I call down to her. "Be sure

to have that blank et ready for me." S he know s what I mean and why I'm askin g. Terry appe ars. Stefa n has one end of the ladde r and he has the other. Nata sha show s up, and last, huffin g like

she's going to die, is Kare n. I 've got a lot of expla ining to do. I'm glad I'm alive to expla in. The ladde r is exten ded towar d me. I t's tall enou gh to reach . Terry come s up while the other s stead

y it. Whe n he reach es me, he looks like he's aged about ten years . " You okay ?" I can't be too okay. Terry still expe cts me to be a wom an. "I think, " I say in a shak y voice . "I was so

scare d I didn't know what I was doing . I just knew I had to get away ." " Do you think you can climb down ?" " I think so," I say in the same shak y voice . What I'm thinki ng is, get out of my way.

He starts to move down . " I'll be right bene ath you so if you start to fall, I can help you." R eachi ng out, I place my hand over his on the ladde r rung. "How did you know ? How did you

get here in time? " H e sighs . "Coc ky basta rd slipp ed a note under my door this morni ng. I assu me he thoug ht I was at work and woul dn't see it until tonig ht. Until it was too late." I

sque eze his hand. "My hero. " " Yeah , right. " He laugh s. "Just what the hell do you carry in that beaut y bag? I assu me that's what caus ed the explo sion." " A wom an never revea

ls her secre ts," I say dryly. "I gues s he just could n't handl e a day of beaut y." T erry shak es his head. "Can we get down from here now? I don't know about you, but I could use a drink. " I n the

dista nce, siren s soun d. I'm assu ming some one calle d 911. I hope there isn't press cover age of this. " Yes, let's hurry. " T he hot show er spray feels wond erful. Terry is down stairs seein

g to the remo val of Tom Daws on's body. The shoot has been calle d off. Unde r the cover of darkn ess, we will slip away and head back to New York befor e the press gets wind of what' s happ ened and swar

m the place . Kare n's in our room packi ng us up. Cindy and Nata sha do the same next door. My cloth es are ruine d and I stuff them in a trash bag. I still had hair all over me when I took them off. I'm glad

I'll be gone when they try to unclo g the show er drain. Wrap ping a towel aroun d my hair, I dry off and slip into a pair of joggi ng pants and a turtle neck. I enter our room. "Alm ost done, " Kare n says. "You

sure you'r e all right? " " I'm fine," I tell her. S he shive rs. "You shoul d have told us you were being stalk ed, Lou. We woul d have all watc hed out for you." " I didn't want my friend

s involv ed. Terry was handl ing it." " He want s to talk to you." Kare n zips the last suitc ase. "He's waitin g in the hall. We'll get the car loade d up." " Than ks." S he open s the door.

Terry stand s leani ng again st the wall. He has a beer in one hand and what appe ars to be a shot of Wild Turke y in the other. Cindy and Nata sha come in and help Kare n drag all of the suitc ases into

the hall, then Terry come s in. He hand s me my drink and goes back to close the door. Now I have some splai ning to do. I do the shot first. " What is the conn ectio n betw een you and Tom Daws on? I got

your mess age when I was almo st here, but I could n't get a signa l to call you back. I tried callin g to warn you when I took off this morni ng. Whe n you woul dn't answ er your cell I went crazy ." H e must

have tried to call when we had the musi c blarin g, singi ng song s we didn't know the word s to. " Do you know every cop in this area is worki ng an avala nche ?" He shak es his head. "I could

n't catch a break ." N ow I know why he looks ten years older. "You shoul d have had the Wild Turke y inste ad of me," I say. "Cal m down . Every thing turne d out all right. " T erry sits on

the bed and runs a hand throu gh his hair. "It could have just as easily turne d out bad. Real bad." I sit besid e him. "I went to high scho ol with Tom Daws on. He beat me up and tried

to rape me on prom night. That' s when I ran away from home . I never went back. " H is eyes are tired and blood shot when he looks at me, but his jaw is clenc hed and I know he's pisse d. "

I'm sorry that happ ened to you. So why did he come after you seve n years later? " I don't think Terry can't handl e the truth. At least not yet. "I gues s he thoug ht I might tell on him at some point.

He had footb all schol arshi ps and his life was looki ng pretty good until he attac ked me. Mayb e he thoug ht I'd wait until he was a footb all star then blow the whistl e on him or try to black mail

him. I don't know . He's crazy . Or he was. He waite d beca use it took him this long to find me. I've chan ged a lot since high scho ol." " Why didn't you know it was him befor e now? You saw him in

vision s." " I never saw his huma n face in my vision s. You saw him tonig ht, didn't you? In the light of the fire?" T erry glanc es away from me. "I'm trying like hell to tell myse lf that was some kind of

trick." " It wasn' t a trick." I figure Terry can handl e more than I give him credit for. "He was a were wolf. That' s how he came to me in my vision s. That' s why I didn't know who he was." " I've

seen some weird shit in my life, but I've never seen anyth ing like that. It's easie r to tell myse lf I didn't see it." R eachi ng out, I turn his face towar d me. "May be this is your wake -up call. The chan ce for

you to acce pt thing s that you'v e previ ously disco unted as being real." H e runs a hand throu gh his hair, then gives me the halfsmile . "Like psyc hics and thing s that go bump in the night ?"

" Exact ly," I answ er. W hile I have his face turne d towar d me, he leans forwa rd and gives me a kiss. Just a short one. "I need to take your state ment, and then we all need to get the hell out of here.

I'll try to keep your name out of it, but a serial killer caug ht and killed, that's going to make the headl ines." " I don't need the publi city," I agree . " I'd offer you a lift back, but there are still thing

s I have to take care of here befor e I can leave ." R ising from the bed, I say, "That' s all right. I'll go back with Kare n and the other girls. They' re a little freak ed out by all of this. I need to assur e

them every thing is okay. " T erry also rises. "Your photo graph er budd y down stairs need s assur ance s, too," he says. "He's been pacin g the floor ever since we got back. " I t's time to go home

. I'm tired and figure the girls are just as anxio us to get out of Verm ont as I am. "Tak e my state ment. The girls are waitin g and it's going to be very late by the time we get back. " H e whips out

his pen and notep ad. A n hour later, Kare n, Nata sha, Cindy , and yours truly are back on the road. The atmo spher e isn't nearl y as festiv e as it was on the drive up. You'd think I woul

d keep relivi ng the confr ontati on with Tom; inste ad, I keep thinki ng about my good bye with Stefa n. He was hurt and angry that I didn't confi de in him. That my life was in dang er and he didn't even

know about it. He said he might never forgiv e me. He also said he was leavi ng. H e'd gotte n a call and his father had taken a turn for the wors e. Stefa n plann ed on going from New York straig ht to the

airpor t when he arrive s home . He's going to Irelan d. R egard less of what I said to him in the bar befor e I went out to burn my past, I feel a hollo w spot in my heart. I said I wasn' t ready for a

com mitte d relati onshi p. I never said I want ed him out of my life. And is Terry now out of my life? Tom has only adde d to the quest ions about who I am and why I am what I am. Why he was a were

wolf, too. The Billin gtons told me to start looki ng for answ ers in Neva da. I mad e my travel arran geme nts befor e I left New York. I leave on Tues day beca use I didn't know I'd be comi ng home the same day I

left for Verm ont. Mayb e I can bump the arran geme nts up. I've decid ed to tell Cindy I'm going to Vega s to get away . She proba bly won't buy that, but I prefe r her to conc entrat e on her new relati onshi

p rathe r than worry about what I'm up to. She insist ed on sittin g in the back seat with me. Now I feel her hand slide into mine. I sque eze and that's all we need. We'r e best friend s. Were wolf, lesbi an, what

ever, we'll alway s be best friend s. I clos e my eyes and sleep when Nata sha and Kare n break the silenc e and discu ss work. Whe n I wake up, Cindy is helpi ng me from the car in front of our buildi ng.

Ralp h rushe s out with a lugga ge carrie r. " Didn't expe ct you back so soon, " he says. "Lou, that youn g man name d Rick told me that you said it was all right if he staye d in your apart ment

while you were gone. I could n't get a hold of you to verify the infor matio n, but I know you let him stay there one other time, so I said okay. " I glan ce at the door man' s neck. No bite mark

s. " Who' s Rick? " Cindy asks. " He's this really nice friend of Lou's ," Nata sha provi des. H e's a freaki n' vamp ire, I want to add, but don't. " Wher e did you meet him?" " It's a long story,

" I tell her. "Com e on, let's say good night to Kare n, she looks like she's about to drop. " W e all give Kare n a hug and send her on her way. Ralp h bring s the bags and we ride up to the tenth

floor. I have no idea if Rick is havin g a vamp ire party in my apart ment, so I knoc k. He answ ers, looki ng pale since he's not weari ng make up. " Lou, what are you doing back ?" " Shoo t got

canc eled." I take suitc ases off the lugga ge carrie r and shov e them insid e the door. " Hi, Nata sha," Rick says pleas antly, sippi ng wine from one of my cryst al goble ts. " Hello, Rick, " she respo nds. "This

is Cindy , my partn er." " Hi, Rick, " Cindy pipes up. I clos e the door befor e the party spills into my apart ment. "Wha t are you doing here? " R ick shrug s. "You said you'd be gone. I live on the

street s, Lou. This is much nicer. " O ut of habit, I move to small entry table wher e I usual ly set my beaut y bag. I don't have it. Poof. It's gone. I feel nake d. "I let you sleep here once. That was not

an open invita tion." R ick walks over and pulls one of my bags farthe r into the living room. "I have probl ems now. I need sanct uary. " " What kind of probl ems? " H e open s his mout h and point

s to his groun ddown fangs . "I can't eat the way I used to. My fangs aren't long enou gh to get penet ration . Maria was very frustr ated. " I 'm reliev ed that Rick isn't capa ble of biting anyo ne at the

mom ent. It make s me less nervo us about him being here. "So, what are you going to do? You have to have blood to survi ve, right? " " Right ," he answ ers. "I only had one choic e. I robbe d a blood

bank. " I blink at him. "And the blood is wher e?" H e smile s. "In your refrig erato r." G lanci ng at his glass , my lip curls. "And I supp ose that is not wine. " " You can prete nd it is if it

make s you feel better ." " Out!" I point to the door. " Com e on, Lou. That' s like decla wing a cat and throw ing it outsi de to fend for itself. I know you'r e not that cruel. " I 'd like to be, but he's right, I'm

not that cruel. "Oka y, here' s the deal. I'm leavi ng as soon as I get my flight chan ged. I'll be gone for a while. You can be the caret aker here, but no wild partie s and no biting anyo ne, espe cially the next-

door neigh bors. " " I can't bite them, " he remin ds me. "I've been fixed. " H e looks so pathe tic about it that my heart softe ns. He did come to my rescu e that night Terry was attac ked by vamp

ires, and he did lose two of his friend s beca use of that. "Oka y, help me with these suitc ases. " A fter Rick helps me unpa ck; we both sit on the couc h watc hing Court TV. It's not the

same as havin g Cindy , but Cindy has a love life now. I gues s Rick will be my new Egor e for a while. Som eone knoc ks on my door. I'm weari ng my favori te paja mas and I susp ect curio sity

has finally got the better of Cindy . W hen I open the door, it isn't Cindy stand ing there. It's Terry . He holds a stack of files. " What are you doing here? " " I know it's late." His gaze move s

over me. "I gues s your cell is out of com missi on. I tried to call first." " My cell was in my beaut y bag," I say. Nodd ing towar d the files, I ask, "Wha t's that? " H e shov es them towar d me. "On

the drive home , I got to thinki ng about what you said. You'r e right. I saw what I saw. It made me think about a few unsol ved case s we have that seem ed pretty weird at the time. I thoug ht you might take

a look at them and tell me if you get anyth ing from them. " L ifting a brow, I ask, "You mean like that psyc hic crap? " H e smile s. "Yea h, like that psyc hic crap. " " Lou, I'm

gettin g some thing to drink. Want anyth ing?" R ick's voice echo es behin d me. Terry' s smile fades . "Sorr y. I didn't know you had comp any." " Just have a friend over, " I say. T erry sudd enly looks

very coplik e. "I'd better get home . Lots to do tomor row. You might want to lay low for a while. I'm not sure I can keep your name out of this." " I'm leavi ng town again as soon as possi ble," I assur e him. "I have

busin ess in Neva da. I'll take the files with me, thoug h, and look over them while I'm gone. " " Fine. " H e starts to turn away . I feel more need s to be said betw een us. "Tha nks

for savin g my life and stuff." F acing me again , he shrug s. "Tha nks for savin g mine. I gues s we're even. " I don't like being even. It soun ds more like being over. "Well , techn ically, Daws

on might have been dead befor e you shot him. I'm sure he woul d have been dead even if you hadn' t shot him, so mayb e you still owe me." M y teasi ng fails to get the expe cted smile from Terry . I supp

ose Terry' s tired. I know I am. "Give me a call when you get back, " he says, and turns and walks away . I watc h him move down the hall. I step out, thinki ng he'll turn and say some thing else. Like mayb

e now that the case is over, he'd like to get beat up again . He does turn. He does say some thing. Just not what I expe ct. " Nice hicke y." H e turns and keep s walki ng. I slap a hand

to my neck. Rick know s what happ ened and how I got the mark s on my neck. I didn't think hidin g the hicke y with a turtle neck bene ath my paja mas was nece ssary with him. I have n't got a clue how to

expla in the hicke y to Terry . I'm about lied out at the mom ent, and altho ugh he's beco ming more recep tive to the possi bility that the world is not exact ly as he thoug ht it was, I think tellin g Terry a vamp ire bit

me after I turne d into a were wolf and got involv ed in a gang fight is a little too much too soon. I go back insid e, past Rick who sips anoth er glass of "wine ," and head for my bedro om. "She

ets and pillow s are in the linen close t. I've had a long day. I'm turnin g in." " Pleas ant drea ms," he calls. F or the first time in seve n years , I think that might be possi ble. I think a lot of thing s are possi

ble. My life isn't so bad. I have good friend s, a new one who is a vamp ire but every one has their probl ems. I'm still a super mode l and love my job. I have peac e of mind now to know that even if I do turn

into a were wolf, I won't kill some one just for the hell of it. I'm still worki ng with a hot cop who will proba bly get over the fang hicke y at some point, and at least now I have a clue wher e to begin

looki ng for answ ers about my condi tion. T here are other s like me. Ther e are other s who aren't like me, but I'm not alone . I'm not the only one, and some how, that make s me feel better . Since Tom

is dead, does that mean I can't be trigge red again ? But there are other s, so perha ps I can't make that assu mptio n just yet. The thing is, I didn't mind being a wolf so much . Ther e are possi bilitie s there

that I have n't even begu n to explo re. What about the under world ? Can Rick get me in if I need to go searc hing for answ ers there, as well? W hen I crawl bene ath the cover s, I admit that not every thing

in my life is rosy. Stefa n's mad beca use I didn't tell him that I was in dang er and is now on a plane travel ing thous ands of miles away from me. Terry is mad beca use I have a vamp ire hicke y. And

boy, is Morg an going to be pisse d when he finds out I went to Neva da witho ut him. I smile at the thoug ht of his face when he realiz es I've ditch ed him. I see his face a few hours later in my drea

ms. Morg an does n't turn into a mons ter. He does n't try to kill me or anyo ne else. Oddl y enou gh, we're maki ng love. O kay, we're not maki ng love. We'r e havin g sex. Hot, swea ty, nasty ,

rough , fabul ous sex. I can only view it as anoth er night mare. I'm just not one hundr ed perce nt certai n that if I wake up screa ming, it will be for the right reaso n. And I really , really , really hope that I

am not psyc hic.