Curtis Miller 11/12/08 6th Galactic Report Good evening, galaxy.

I'm Curtis Miller, and this is the Galactic Report. Now, galaxy, we were shocked this weekend to learn about the nature of our leaders. Han Solo, after denying it for months, has admitted to watching porn, featuring Princess Leia, on R2-D2. Apparently, when Leia was captured by Jabba the Hutt, he put her to good use right away. But if we were to listen to Solo, we would come to the conclusion that he had no control over what he saw. In a press statement, Solo said, and I quote:

I was removing a restraining bolt on the droid when suddenly the hologram began to play. When I saw Leia in the slave dress, I asked R2 to stop the recording. He didn't. When it reached the X-rated part, I insisted that he stop the recording. But it kept playing. At the XX-rated scene, I ordered him to decease, but it continued. By the time the XXX scene arrived, I was beggingpleading, eventhat the recording end, but R2 continued. I swear, I had no control over whether I saw the video. It was out of my hands.

Galaxy, I believe that we should give Solo the benefit of the doubt. Public officials have no control over their lives. After all, Senator Stevens of Alaska had no control over those gifts that were dropped on his door steps and never went away no matter how much he begged. But nonetheless, I demand that Solo give us some answers, such as why the Hutts did not delete the video from the droid, whether any physical harm appears to have been done to Leia, and when we can download the video from the Internet. Need I remind you, Solo, that you must comply with the Galactic Free Information Act vol. Alpha-Theta-Gamma Article 990735 Section 203491 Stanza 997 Row 7 Column 8 Hit Sunk the Battleship. I in the media will hold you accountable to your duty, Solo, just as I hold myself

accountable to my duty: it is my duty to view the video, analyze it carefully, come to a conclusion and report it to the people. Keep up your end of the bargain, buddy! Now there are some who are outraged at this scandal, and say the droid's memory should be wiped. But I say that that would be a bad idea: there is important information on the droid that cannot be lost, such as how often Queen Amidala changes her clothes everyday, whether the RNC is paying for those clothes, and how exactly she changes out of those elaborate costumes. I truly hope that the droid has live footage of her changing ritual as well, so I may see the whole process in close detail. But nonetheless, the backlash is large and growing. In fact, the only outrage to a scandal larger than this was when Chancellor Palpatine was discovered sneaking security holograms from Anakin and Padme's bedroom. If you remember Palpatine's excuse for that, it was:

I was engaged in serious research important to the security of the Republic. I needed to know how well Anakin uses his lightsaber.

We all had a bad feeling about that. Now we tried to get statements from some of out leaders other than Solo on their view of the scandal. But so far, galaxy, our efforts have had limited success. We sent a reporter to interview Solo's doormat, Chewbacca, but once Chewey saw our agent, he ripped poor Stanley's arms off, shot them with a bowcaster until they were well-done, stuck them between two slices of French bread and ate it like a Subway sandwich. We also sent an interviewer to the Skywalker twins Luke and Leia themselves, but when he returned to us, all he said was:

I will not ask Leia about the Solo porn scandal. I am going home to rethink my life.

And of course we tried to contact the heart of the scandal, R2-D2, and despite the fact that none of this

would have happened had it been for him, all he told us was boop. But galaxy, I promise you that I will not give up. I will keep on asking the tough questions, even if it causes Chewbacca to have a barbecue with all my appendages. This has been the Galactic Report! Good night, everyone!