Deep down I’m no good. I know this because I know me.

I try extremely hard to be

nice to be chivalrous to be kind. I know deep down Its not who I am. I spent most
of my life trying to fit the mold of what others would like me to be. I know this
because I always have to TRY. When you say you have to try to be nice it sounds
like its not genuine. That’s because It is not. The real me is some one who wants
one thing and one thing only. LOVE. You might say to yourself that is like
everyone else. Maybe but I beg to differ. For 30 years now I have been on this
quest. I have found none. The older I get the colder I get. People are very
different from me. You would think they would be similar but they are not. I've
noticed that Deep Down people are not good either. Some people have no good to
them. I at least have diminished good which is better than having zero goodness. I
think people are seasonal with they’re good nature. For instance when times are
bad and a good person stands out. People rally together seasonally for the good
purpose temporarily. Then revert back to the person they were a day ago. Like MLK
stands out like blue hat with a pink bill. When he was assassinated the world
didn’t create another one. It idolized MLK. Making him a rarity when in actuality
Its in us all to be like him. We just think its unattainable or un-cool. Just an
example but It illustrates the behavior of one and the marginal reasoning of
others. Deep down I am no good! I see this world with 30 yr old eyes and its
different from when I was a kid. I see that people Hate who they are. They put
them selves in certain situations not because it is healthy but because it is
safe. I dare not to live this way. I am cold but I am fare. I am poor but I am
BLESSED. I am sane but I am disenfranchised. I am calm on the inside although my
heart pumps calamity. I am smart but live in an environment where it is useless. I
grew up thinking I was one of many who embrace fellowship and compassion. As I
grew older I begin to notice that I was the only one with those eyes. People do
what is "normal" or what "we always have done". I never had this luxury. I always
had to do what I was told. I always had to do what was right. Because it was what
was expected of me. Deep down I am no good. I forced myself to do what was honest
even though the world wanted me to be like I look. Muscular, Black and Edgy. This
is what they expected of me I chose to do what I wanted to do instead. For
instance quick story. Girlfriend of mine cheated on me. I found out at church one
day when he walked up an punched me in the face and asked me what I was doing with
his girl. Even though she had been my girlfriend for 4yrs at the time. Most people
would say "I would have drop kicked him in the throat" or "I would have defended
myself at least" or something along those lines. I must confess I didn’t do any of
that. This happened in the church we went to after service in the vestibule.
People of the church seem to be just as shocked as I was. At first people did
something odd. They made a circle around the two of us like they were giving us
swinging room. Mind you there are elderly people children, Babies, adults, teens
all walking out of service that me and my girl sat and participated in. They made
a circle around us for about 15 seconds like a 15 sec window to fight to see what
would happen. I did nothing I just stood there.... Smiling. I smiled because I
knew one thing for sure. Deep down I am no good. I smiled but I thought of about
1000 ways to send him on to the ER on a stretcher. 15 seconds is an eternity to a
185 lb 18 year old with a crumple of a left hook. 15 seconds seems like a lifetime
looking the devil in the eyes. My 15 seconds were up and I was standing there.
Some older guy came up from the isle and kind of bear hugged me to the wall behind
me. I told him to let me go. He said there will be no fighting in the sanctuary. I
said I haven’t fought anyone let me go. He said why are you struggling tell me
whats wrong. I said nothing is wrong I just want to leave. The guy name is Kevin I
found out later. Kevin left before me and mouth "Don’t let me catch you on the
streets Ima beat yo a**" I looked back at the guy holding me to the wall and said
If I just walk out the door will you let me go. He said yes. Then he let me go and
I left. To him I guess I looked the part of the aggressor because of my body size
compared to the 150 lb known gang member. I walked outside and he was no where to
be seen so me and my girlfriend and her mother got in the car and I asked her
mother the evangelist can I pray for him before we leave the parking lot. We all
bow our heads and I prayed for his safety and to let god know that I forgave him
as I seek forgiveness. Remember I am not good. This coming from me shocked
everyone in the car. She said that was good. Asked me what happened I told her.
She said " most people wouldn’t have done what you did... I’m proud of you" I
smiled and we went about our day. Not knowing that she cheated on me yet till
later on that night when I talked to my friend who is Kevin’s cousin and he told
me why Kevin did it. I asked my girlfriend and she said it was true and I forgave
her also. Later that week I found out that Kevin tried to rob an old lady who was
sitting in her car. He tried to steal her purse she rolled the window on his arm
and drug him for 12 blocks. He was arrested for attempted robbery he had drugs on
him and a couple felon weapons charges pending and a several failure to appears.

He is still doing a 15 year sentence in the penitentiary. Where I also heard he is

a woman now. (not by choice) That is when I thought of my prayer for him. My ex-
girlfriend is married now (I still talk to her 12yrs later) but she in unable to
have any natural children. This type of depression is lifelong. I still pray for
her.
This real life story illustrates the my deviance. I deviated from the norm and did
what I thought was best for everyone involved.

You may say it is merely coincidence. I believe ignorance is bliss. I also believe
that they’re actions needed to be punished. Now the punishment could have included
me If I would have acted inappropriately. Then all three of us would be in the
same boat. But we are not. I knew the right answer like the kid in the front row
of the 3rd grade flailing his hands up at his teacher just to say matter fact the
correct answer. But this classroom was in a real-time setting and the answer had
dynamic cause and effect structure. I did not do what my best friend would do as I
found out when I told him what happened and he laughed saying "What" You did
nothing! I explained why and he said you know what you a better man than me
because I would have put the pound game down! 4 days later he told me the
conclusion to what happened to Kevin cause someone he knew is in prison and called
him and said some guy named Kevin was bragging how he beat some guy named RRNGE up
at church. He didn’t know I grew up with the people he was locked up with. when my
friend told me I just smiled.

Deep down I am not good. I have been treated in such a way where my life has been
mangled by outside influences. By the time I had a chance to understand what had
been taking place the whole time right under my nose. I was well into my twenties.
I was already the man I was going to be. You always hear people say that they feel
oppressed. I usually thought gees 400 years of slavery is over get with the times.
Until I realized that it had been knocking on my door for a long time I just
didn’t realize it. I didn’t realize it because I thought I was strong on the
inside. I was weathered but not worn. I was a survivor. I know me. How to handle
misfortune. I was wrong I was not geared to hear the truth about me. I was geared
to invent my own reality and to be optimistic. the glass is half full. One Dr
visit changed all that. He told me I had a rare eye disease called karataconas.
I’ve had it all my life and It will eventually get worse. The truth is like
nothing else you could ever hear. You can hear your black you will never be
nothing but black. You can define your own existence when it comes to racism. But
when the truth comes... It changes you. I became instantly angry. You may think im
talking about my diagnosis. That part didn’t hit me yet. It was the fact that my
childhood was wrecked by this disease. I used to get headaches in elementary
school when I read over 30 minutes. on the dot 30 minutes. I told my teachers they
didn’t believe me they thought I was making it all up to get out of school work
when I really liked school. So since the 3rd grade I had to ride the little yellow
bus which is a humbling experience to say the least. I stayed on the little yellow
bus until I graduated from high school. Being a BD student I learned a lot about
handicapped people. As well as people with learning disabilities. I always wanted
to help them because I felt that they just needed someone there who would walk
them through the work instead of talking over they’re heads. Now that I think
about it all of my friends until I graduated high school were In these BD classes
with me not in the neighborhood where I lived. I learned alot from the handicapped
kids. more than I ever thought them. I learned mostly that people really do not
care. None of the teachers cared none of the adults cared only ones who really
cared were they’re friends. They’re friends knew because they felt the same way.
Parents only wish they had normal kids. Doctors only want to medicate them.
Teachers only want to pass the baton to who ever is next. From where I sat. Next
to the guy who liked to hum to self all class and drool on his pencil. One day the
guy who hummed to his self Dennis was getting shoved around and laughed at by some
kids in the hall. I pushed the guys out the way and picked his books up and told
the guys that Dennis is my friend and that If I ever heard of anyone messing with
him they would have to answer to me. They all ran away. Dennis gave me a hug and
we ate lunch together. People stared at me and Dennis sitting at a table eating by
ourselves. Dennis is drooling all over his lunch tray and laughing. Saying That
was cool man. That was Cool. I thought hey sometimes you have to be yourself. The
principal Mr. Williams walks up and say to me come in my office. So I walk with
him to his office my home away from home. he said Young man it is inappropriate to
be making fun of handy capped students in school. I said I wasn’t... He said don’t
lie to me everyone was laughing who left the cafeteria saying look at the retard.
That’s when I walked in and saw you laughing at him. To make a long story short I
explained to him that me and Dennis have 3 classes with each other out of 4
classes in our block scheduling per day. I knew him and we were just having lunch.
He said ok If I ever hear of you teasing any students you will be expelled. This
is one out of a thousand memories that came to me when the dr told me I had
karataconas. I thought of how my mother told me I couldn’t play sports unless I
had good grades. It was impossible for me to have those type of grades because I
had a disease. I didn’t even know about. This was something I liked to do but I
couldn’t because I didn’t know the truth yet. I didn’t know that because mother
and father was black they were poor. Because they were poor they couldn’t get
adequate health care for me. All through elementary school I had physicians come
in and talk to me. They would wire me up to all kind of machines to check my brain
for abnormalities. They would ask me to do all these weird ink blot tests. Math
test. language skills tests. I passed them all. The test I seemed to fail was the
test when they asked me if I was abused as a child. I told them no I was
disciplined like everybody else in my neighborhood. The psychologist wrote a word
in her little note book its was "anhedonia" didn’t know what it meant until I
looked it up. after my dr. visit and getting my calmative folder from the city
school records. Surprisingly It only cost 10 dollars. Some lady psychologist when
I was in the 5th grade said I had "Anhedonia" Which sounded cool to me because It
wasn’t the normal schizophrenia or bi-polar or manic depressive. It was cool
sounding. Anhedonia sounds like an exotic flower lol. I quickly realized that it
is an indication more that a prime disorder its like an assistant disorder. It
means in short that I am "unsatisfied" Its like someone asking what my favorite
desert was and bringing to me and me not wanting it. Severe Anhedonia is someone
who doesn’t like the things they are supposed to like Sex. or Children. But me I
was caged. Caged by someone long before I was even born. Its like the lion in the
Zoo one of my favorite places to go. The lion when his spirit is broken wont even
escape out of an open cage. They become accustomed to being handled and treated.
to the point where they loose compassion. They forget that they are the king of
the jungle and only know heartbreak from the traumatic experience of being ripped
from they’re home.

To me this is what she said I had Anhedonia. As a kid I thought I was just another
kid caught in the shuffle. I usually found other things to occupy my mind like
books movies etc... So I didn’t lock myself into the mind state of someone else’s
property. My favorite channel to watch was the discovery channel. My brother liked
watching videos my sister liked cooking shows. I like Watching the gazelle get
away and I always root for the gazelle. But unfortunately the hops of a gazelle
weren’t high enough for the claws and the spinning tail of a lioness. I would like
to add that the little white rabbit did often get away from the lioness. I always
smiled at that.

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow. Now as an adult there isn’t an old wives
remedy to fix what he just told me. there isn’t a maybe I can just act like it
doesn’t exist. There isn’t a I’m a champion Ill just have to win. There isn’t a I
am the master of my own destiny. There is only the brutal truth. My life is not
what I thought is was. My life has been somebody’s paycheck. Somebody’s cutback.
Somebody downsizing plan. Someone’s rage towards blacks. Someone’s vacation to
Fiji. Someone’s kid getting a seat in high school or college that I wouldn’t know
had my name on it. Someone’s Dream career with my window office. someone’s Dr
visit with my name on the insurance folder. Somebody was there And it wasn’t me. I
was living in LA land hoping everything can be associated to me being inadequate
or lazy or unmotivated. when it simply was not the case. I had to work twice as
hard to just to stand in the same place I have always been my whole life. People
move on and become adults and have children and get promoted and get houses and
new cars. I am 30 years old and I haven’t had any of that. All I know how to do is
accept it. The door is wide open but the lion of me is just standing still. Not
motivated enough to leave or to move at all. I feel like everything Ive ever know
have been taken from me. So I just stand there or matter of fact here. Wanting to
be king again and freedom to roam and just exist in my little piece of the world.
I am not good! The things I want back have been taken from me before I even knew
they were mine. People may say you made a choice to be where you are today. I know
my family would say this. I just pray... Pray for all the bad choices in the
world. Pray that If people have to feel like I feel on the inside to know that
someone feels your emptiness. Like drool boy Dennis. Like I said before. I
definitely am blessed. Blessed because I get to tell you the wonderful story of my
life. Blessed because I know someone will read this. Blessed because even if no
one reads this God knows my heart. For that I am great full. Still I am not good.
When people walk bye me in passing on the street and they throw a casual "Hay" my
way. Sometimes I don’t reply. Sometimes I force myself to swing them a "Hello".
But the thing is I TRY. I try because I am always in a constant state of flux.
Therefore I know that the bad times I habitate are only temporary. Just as
temporary as the Hello I muster up for a stranger. Just as temporary as The joy I
felt when I ushered a child into the world and even cut the umbilical cord. The
baby was another cheater girlfriend who got pregnant by someone out of 8 possible
people she cheated on me with. (thank god I didn’t catch anything) But I was still
there with her and the kid. Even though the whole time I knew He wasn’t mine and
she had cheated 8 times. But that’s another story. This story is about how good I
am not. The reason why I am not good is because I am GREAT!

I read this somewhere when I was about 10 years old and instantly knew what it
meant:

{A wise man knows his limitations...

A great man believes he has none}

(If information is power I was some strong 10yr old.)

The key word in this affirmation is the word BELIEVE. Believe that!

p.s. what did you expect..... everyone loves happy endings!

RRNGE