Courtship

Sword of the Spirit

in the

What follows is a ten page document that details the path to marriage via courtship in the Sword of the Spirit. By making a commitment to a Sword of the Spirit Community as a single person who felt called to a vocation of marriage, one was limiting oneself to a very small pool of single adults from which to choose. Even though that pool may be as large as 100 in a bigger community (or 25 in a smaller one), only a smaller number of individuals from within this group were eligible for marriage. Dating outside the community was considered a violation of community order and punishable by expulsion. Even dating inside the community but deviating from the process was punishable. In Servants of Christ the King, one such couple was made to repent publicly at District and Community Gatherings for their breach in the courtship protocol. A careful reading of the document finds that the individuals involved must thoroughly embrace the plan in order to be successful. While the individual is told that this is Gods plan for dating and marriage in the Sword of the Spirit, all outcomes in the end are still the responsibility of the individual. This is just another example of how the Sword of the Spirit spoke authoratatively to Christian men and women but avoided responsibility for any failure of their teachings, displacing any blame by telling the member that they, always had a choice. Those who are successful in their selection of partners are seen as being so because of the communitys approach to dating and marriage via these policies and pastoral methods. As with all Sword of the Spirit views on the human condition, there is a chronic tone of distrust of self and a negative tone towards anything having to do with emotion. One could say that as far as contemporary society may have erred on the part of too much subjectivity and emotion going into a decision to select a mate, the Sword of the Spirit swung to the polar opposite, where emotion and physical attraction were to be avoided as much as possible in the same decision making process. In his talk A Personal Perspective dated August 14, 1991 Junior Head Coordinator of the Servants of Christ the King had this to say about the Courtship process in the Sword of the Spirit: By the same token pastoral leaders, coordinators and anybody else who were involved in all this [Courtship process in the Sword of the Spirit], we over emphasized this pastoral approach figuring that it would accomplish a lot more than it did.1 -Tom Kneier Mr. Kneier makes reference to his belief as an SOS coordinator that the Courtship policies while intended to do well by single members of the community- werent as helpful as they had hoped. What he doesnt discuss is how well that policy worked with men who struggled with attraction to the same sex, and how devastating this was to the women who married them and created children with them.
John Flaherty Grand Island, Nebraska August 5, 2011

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Courtship in The Sword of the Spirit

Introduction God's purpose for marriage and family life as revealed in scripture presents us with a high calling, a man and woman united in marriage become "one flesh" (Mt 19:5-6, Eph 5:32), one new person, joined together in mutual love for the sake of raising a family, serving the Lord, and building up his people. The sacrificial love and wholehearted submission that characterize Christian marriage (Eph 5:22-33) establish and safeguard a lifelong bond that is central to the well-being of the Christian community. If Christians are to live as married men and women in the way which God intended, it is important that they have a way of preparing for and entering into married life that helps them find a suitable partner and founds their relationship from the outset on the basic principles of Christian modesty, committed love, and distinctive roles that will govern their marriage in future years. The manner of finding a marriage partner and entering into marriage can be a major factor in determining the strength and Christian character of a marriage. If we value Christian family life, then we must seek to have a courtship process that will build up that life. The Apostle Paul in his teaching on courtship (I Thes 4:3-5, 7-8) shows us another reason for taking special concern for this area of Christian life: he emphasizes the importance of preserving sexual purity, underlining the fact that in a society that does not value chastity the Christian approach to courtship will look very different from the dominant patterns in the surrounding culture: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God ' For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore. whoever disregards this. disregards not m~~ but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. Because God has given us his own Holy Spirit and made us a temple for himself through the redeeming work of our Lord Jesus Christ, we must pay special attention to avoid the defilement that comes from sexual sin (I Cor 6:12-20). If the Christian community is to maintain a high level of purity and thus be a temple where God can be worshiped in a fitting manner, then it must have a pattern of men's and women's relationships. of family life, and of courtship that supports sexual purity and expresses fundamental Christian values. A communal courtship pattern can function well only if it ~ ~ommon and concrete. It cannot be left to each individual. family, cluster. district or branch to work out its own courtship process; both parties involved in the process (who are often from different parts of the communityj need to have .the

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same understandings and expectations of how the process works. It also cannot be limited to general principles; we need to have concrete practices that are clear and easily understood. If the process is not concrete, it will not be effectively common. It will also leave room for desire to dominate in a sphere where even the most spiritual among us have very powerful desires that are not helpful.

The Basics 1. Young men and women should not automatically assume that they should be married. There are some good Christian reasons why some people should not get married, most notable among them being the invitation God extends to many to live single for the Lord (Mt 19:10-12, I Cor 7:6-8, 25-38). Christians should consider whether marriage is the best way they can serve the Lord, and only after deciding this question in the affirmative should they actively pursue finding a marriage partner. 2. Single men and women should not spend time together one-to-one until they are involved in the courtship process. This excludes "dating" as a merely recreational activity (which is the most common approach to dating in much contemporary culture). This also excludes the practice of single men and women "hanging around" together. It is common in our society for young single men and women to spend much informal and unsupervised time in the company of one member of the opposite sex; this should not be the case in our community. This also excludes relational telephone calls or pairing off at mixed communal events. Single men and women who are not yet ready to look for a marriage partner should relate to one another only in families, supervised mixed group activities. and work and service relationships. When single men and women spend much time together, especially one-to-one, they often find themselves unable to think about much beyond members of the opposite sex. Growing in Christian character and service is difficult because of this distraction. This type of relating to one another commonly leads to romantic attachments and a pressure to full sexual expression in a relationship. A sexual relationship is appropriate only in marriage. A significant romantic attachment is appropriate only in a relationship which a Lr-eady inyol'{es some ~ommitment and -is_de.stined to lead soon-to marriage. Therefore, all relating between the sexes that only tends to increase romantic attachments and pressure toward full sexual expression should be limited to the marriage relationship and in a well-defined and restrained form to the courtship process (especially its latter stages). For this reason there should be a definite point in a single person's life when he or she clearly begins the courtship process, and this point should only come when the man or woman is actually ready to be married. 3. The decision to marry a particular person should be based on a sound judgment that the person will be a suitable partner in leading a family. Thi~ decision should not be based on romantic attraction or on abil~ty to "have fun" together. Thus, the courtship process needs to provide people with a way of getting to know one another and of discussing important issues ~gfQr~ a powerful emotional bond is established. Once such a bond is established, it

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is difficult to make a sensible and clear-headed judgment concerning the relationship. 4. All relating to one another that produces physical sexual arousal should be avoided before marriage. This means that prolonged kissing (beyond a goodnight "peck"), petting, extended embracing and physical contact beyond holding hands) are inappropriate during the courtship process, including the engagement period. A more subtle type of relating that increases physical sexual arousal is spending too much 'time together, even spending time praying together for extended periods, especially spending time together in the wrong places (darkly lit. private. etc.) and the wrong times (late at night). Since a sexual relationship is proper only in marriage. so all relating that prepares a person for sexual intercourse is proper only in marriage. 5. The fundamental relationship between all men and women in the body of Christ is that of brothers and sisters in the Lord. This "family" relationship that we share in Christ should shape the way men and women relate to one another before courtship and during courtship. inside marriage as well as outside of marriage. This truth has many implications for the courtship process; one that is worth special note is the fact that those men or women that one decides are not suitable marriage partners are still brothers or sisters in Christ. and must be treated as such. Proper honor must be shown to all our brothers and sisters simply because we belong to the same body and the same Lord. 6. During the courtship process. the brother should be the leader of the process. This means that he should take more of the initiative to move it forward and should make the final decisions where needed. although the sister is free at any time to withdraw from the relationship or limit her involvement in it. On the other hand. the brother is not the head of the family and therefore of the sister until the wedding itself. 7. The courtship process is in fact a type of discernment process. It is a way of making a life-shaping decision in a careful and thoughtful manner. seeking throughout to arrive at a decision that is pleasing to the Lord. At the same time. one must not approach the courtship process with a superspiritual orientation. The Lord does not usually give guidance on an appropriate marriage partner by a word of revelation. a dream. or a scripture passage. although he might. It is also a mistake for a man or woman to think there is only one right person to whom they could possibly be married. There are usually a number of members of the opposite sex to whom marriage could be possible. each of whom could bring different strengths and_weaknesses to the match. 8. Pastoral leaders working under their coordinator. district head or handmaid should take an active role in overseeing the courtship process. Though final responsibility for the decision about whom to marry rests with the person himself. the inexperience. impulsiveness. attraction. and fear which often characterize people who are seeking a marriage partner leqd normally to some lack of objectivity. The counsel received from a pastoral leader can be of great value and should also be received very seriously because of the respect due-his position.

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The pastoral leader should also keep his or her district head and coordinator informed of how courtship relationships are developing. Sometimes it will also be helpful for the pastoral leaders responsible for the brother and the sister to communicate with one another about the relationship. However, the pastoral leaders should let the brother and sister themselves develop and work out their relationship, rather than seeking to do it for them .behind the scenes. (More will be said in the following section about specific ways that the pastoral leader should be involved in the process.)

The Process The process of courtship in The Sword of the Spirit should proceed in three distinct parts or stages, each of which has its own goal and character. The three stages can be called Acquaintance, Relationship, and Engagement. (The fourth stage is Marriage, which will not be discussed here.) The following description of the courtship process is designed to provide guidance for a situation of maximum permissiveness, as in most Western countries. Where the customs are more conservative and provide more restraint and protection, we should follow those for the pattern of interaction. The couple. however, should be careful to observe the features of the process that involve discussion of their approach to marriage and family life issues. 1. Acquaintance. The courtship process begins with a time of thinking and praying .seriously about what a person is are looking for in a marriage partner. The person beginning the process should discuss with his or her pastoral leader the main criteria that are guiding his/her judgment. Consideration should be given to such factors as relationship with the Lord, church affiliation. commitment to The Sword of the Spirit, key values and character traits, personality makeup, and age and educational background. A good relationship with the Lord, good values and a good character are essential in any marriage partner. Considerations of personality makeup and age and educational background will vary with each person. A Christian should give primary consideration to what will hglQ in a partner for living a good Christian married life, rather than on what he or she prefers in a partner. (For example, a quiet, timid brother might in fact want to find a socially aggressive sister who can compensate for his social fears; however, such a woman will not be a good partner for him, and he should realize this fact before he is strongly attracted to a sister of this type.) The pastoral leader can be of great assistance at this stage in the process by helping to clarify in the brothe~ or sister's mind what in fact would help them in a partner, what are preferences that are not helpful, and what are preferences that are fine if they can be met but are not essential for a good marriage. He can also be of help in ascertaining if there might be obvious personality or emotional factors that would indicate the marriage would not be advisable. The point of making such an inventory of what the person is looking for is not to exclude everyone who does not fit all the criteria; instead, the point

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is to give some objective markers that will guide someone in the process so that physical attractiveness, lively personality, and emotional attachment do not dominate the decision. Normally, commitment to The Sword of the Spirit should be a criterion for a marriage partner because it will lead to a better marriage and will allow a person to fulfil his/her own commitment to The Sword of the Spirit. On the other hand, there are times when there are no good candidates in The Sword of the Spirit that can be found and one should not wait much longer. At that point, it is possible to look outside for partners that are not members of The Sword of the Spirit as long as one looks for good Christians or those who are open to becoming good Christians, although one should not move far in courtship with anyone until they have actually become a good Christian. Before deciding to look for a partner outside The Sword of the Spirit a member of The Sword of the Spirit with a public commitment should fully discuss the consequences of the decisions with their pastoral leader. The brother or sister may then need to get to know a range of sisters or brothers who might qualify as a potential marriage partner. Some will already know enough candidates, especially those who have grown up in a sizable branch. Most will still need to make use of various community functions to make initial contact with prospective partners. Community events and common services all provide opportunities to meet others, and single people in this stage of the courtship process should take full advantage of these opportunities. In smaller branches, inter-branch contacts can be a help. The brothers have responsibility for taking initiative in developing an acquaintance, but the sisters can and should make themselves available and accessible. After some initial contacts, a brother can extend an invitation to go out together in a small group or one-to-one. These initial outings should be casual rather than formal and "romantic" - an ice cream, a lunch rather than a candlelight dinner or a night of dancing. The goal of such outings is to get to know the other person enough to see if they might possibly be a fitting partner. This is not a time for searching discussion of serious issues related to marriage and family life, nor for any talk about "our relationship". One subject that should sometimes be raised early in the acquaintance phase is the question of church commitment. If the two parties are part of different churches (especially if one is Catholic or Orthodox and the other is Protestant) it is good to be clear from the beginning on what approach each is taking to his/her church and to the possibility of an ecumenical marriage. If neither party is open to a church change, and if either party is opposed to having an ecumenical marriage, then it is wise to discontinue spending time together, lest a mutual attraction shake a personal conviction or unshakeable convictions lead to avoidable emotional distress. If a brother continues to be interested in a particular sister, he should express this interest merely by continuing to ask her out. If the sister is interested in the brother, she should indicate this inter~st by continuing to accept his invitations. Special verbal indications of deep interest should not be given at this point. A brother is free at any time to no longer ask the sister out; he need not give an explanation of his action - he is not saying that he does not like the sister by no longer inviting her out, but is instead saying that he has decided she is probably not the right woman for him to

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marry. Similarly, a sister can at any time in this stage simply refuse an invitation to go out (courteously, of course); she also does not need to give a special explanation. It should not be received by the brother as a sign that she dislikes his company, but only as a sign that she has decided she definitely does not want to marry him. The sister may, of course, wish to be clear with the brother if she is refusing the invitation because of not being free rather than because of lack of interest. It is good for a brother or sister to be going out with more than one sister or brother during this acquaintance stage. This gives some basis for comparison, and helps maintain some measure of objectivity. This may change later in this stage, after the two have gone out together several times. At this point either may decide to only go out with this person, at least for the time being (though they do not have to decide this). The more often the two have gone out together the more significant further invitations become. A third or fourth invitation is likely a sign of serious interest, but it does not entail any special commitment or any major change in the nature of the relationship. The contacts should still be on the casual side, and the topics of discussion should not be intimate and marriagecentered. The acquaintance stage can take a varied length of time; its duration will depend largely on how well the brother and sister know one another before they begin to go out together. It should last until both parties know the other well enough to be assured of their Christian commitment, key values and character and to have enough feel for their personality makeup to reach the judgment that marriage is a reasonable and attractive possibility. On the other hand, the acquaintance stage should not go on for so long that a strong emotional bond has been established before any issues have been seriously discussed. If there are signs that a strong emotional bond is growing, then either the two should move into the relationship stage or they should stop seeing one another. The next step in the courtship process is not signaled automatically by number of times out together; instead, it is indicated by a definite explicit invitation from the brother to move on to the next phase.

2. Relationship. If both parties are still interested in one another after getting to know one another sufficiently well, then they should move into a formally recognized relationship with the agreement of their pastoral leader that they are ready to enter the next stage. This is the period in which the two work through the fundamental questions that will help them determine if the other is the right person for them to marry. At this point the pastoral leaders of the two people should be especially involved in giving them oversight and care. The decision to enter into a relationship and the handling of the relationship after the decision is reached are the heart of the courtship process, and should receive serious pastoral attention. In particular the brother's pastoral leader should be helping the brother to lead the relationship in a way that will serve both parties by enabling them to make a good decision regarding marriage. Though being in a clearly recognized relationship involves a new level of expressed interest in one another and commitment to the relationship, it is sometimes taken too seriously. It is sometimes treated as though it were just

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a small step away from engagement. This makes some brothers and sisters prolong the acquaintance phase to an inordinate length of time. The relationship stage of the courtship process is of great importance. but it is supposed to serve as a means of discerning whether this is a fitting partner. not as a means of confirming an already existing decision and commitment. The relationship stage is the time to talk explicitly about such issues as .church affiliation. relationship with the community. roles in marriage. childrearing.-family size and approach to family planning. and lifestyle. The purpose of these discussions is not to hammer out a common approach by argument and persuasion. but instead to see if enough of a common mind already exists to allow for a life together. In these conversations the two should be talking generally about their views of marriage and family life and community life. rather than planning together about their marriage and their family. Such discussions are a critical element in discerning the Lord's will about the decision to get married. and they should be treated with proper seriousness. As with the relationship as a whole. the brother should initiate and lead these conversations. but he should be careful to hear out the sister and encourage her to express herself freely. Many of the serious issues in married life will be handled by commitment to Christian teaching about family life. Therefore. one of the most important matters to discuss is commitment to following the Lord and his teaching. Many of the serious issues in married life will be handled by the commitment to take the community approach to family life. A cornmon corporate approach is a great resource for an individual family. Therefore. one of the more important matters to discuss is commitment to the community and the community's teaching. Many of the serious issues in married life will be handled by a discussion in which the partners will seek to come to an agreement, but after which the husband will make the decision on how to handle the matter if no agreement can be reached. Therefore. one of the more important matters to be discussed is the authority of the husband and the method of resolving issues. On the other hand. there will be some issues in married life that will be conscience matters for the wife (or the husband). These the two should discover ahead of time if possible and come to an agreement on how they will handle before getting engaged. Church affiliation. methods of family limitation and standard of living are the most likely areas for such matters to surface. The relationship stage of the courtship process can vary even more greatly in length than the acquaintance stage. It can also end at any time by the decision of either partner; no commitment has been made. However, unlike the acquaintance stage. a decision to end a relationship should be conveyed explicitly in the context of a discussion together. Once again. such a decision should be reached with the counsel of a pastoral leader. This is not a time to heat up the relationship on an emotional level. Time spent together should still not be in especially romantic contexts. Both partners should seek to preserve the emotional objectivity that will allow sound judgment to prevail in the final decision. This means guarding your heart, and not seeking to win the heart of the other ("heart" being used here in the modern sense of "deepest affections"). At some point in the middle of the relationship stage of the courtship process it is important to meet and if possible visit one another's families.

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It is helpful if the families can even participate in some way in the courtship process itself - for example, in giving their opinions about the prospective marriage partner at a time when their view can still have some impact on their children's opinions. In families where it is customary the father should be asked for his approval. The extent to which families can be involved in the process will of course vary from family to family; it will normally be highest in families that themselves are in the community. Near the end of this stage, as engagement seems imminent, it is good to pray together and show some small signs of physical affection (for example, holding hands or walking arm in arm). However, the affection should be the sort that expresses a special relationship without markedly stimulating physical sexual desire (see p. 3 and 4 above).

3. Engagement. "Engagement" here means the decision of the man and woman together to get married. "Betrothal" here means the formal commitment to get married, a commitment involving a public ceremony or contract and often having legal consequences. Many use the word "engagement" to mean what is here referred to as "betrothal." Within The Sword of the Spirit, many live in situations where there is no separate practice of betrothal, while others live in situations where there is. The Sword of the Spirit approach is compatible with both situations. Engagement involves a definite decision to marry. The engagement should only be broken if serious unforeseen problems develop. Thus, the period of engagement is a time to prepare for married life and for the wedding, and not a time to finalize the decision or to work out basic areas of agreement. Whenever possible, the brother should seek from the woman's father a blessing on the marriage. This should actually be vie~ed as part of the process of completing the engagement and as a condition of betrothal. The length of the periods of engagement and betrothal should depend on the social requirements of the situation. Sometimes the period of betrothal is fixed by civil or church law. In "Western" countries where the couple is expected to be in regular contact with one another by themselves the engagement period should be short, just long enough to plan comfortably for the wedding. Four to six months is usually adequate. In countries or situations where the betrothal period is lengthy and more protected, the couple should follow the local custom if that custom works well to protect Christian morality. Engagement is not a time for increasing the level of sexual involvement. As in the latter phases of the relationship stage, expressions of affection should be limited to those which manifest and strengthen a special relationship (for example, holding hands, a greeting or parting kiss) without markedly stimulating sexual desire (as is the case with prolonged hugging, kissing, etc.>. Engagement is also not a period for increasing drastically the amount of time spent together as a couple, especially alone. One reasonable approach to spending time alone together during engagement is to meet once per week to plan the wedding and handle other necessary pre-marriage business, and to meet one other time during the week for a more relaxed social outing.

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Once again. the role of the pastoral leader in the decision to get engaged and in the engagement process is very important. The pastoral leaders of the brother and sister should take special concern to see that the brother and sister make a responsible decision. The final decision on whom to marry rests with the brother and sister, not with the pastoral leaders; however, the .counsel and wisdom of the pastoral leaders provides the brothers and sisters with input that can be tremendously helpful. The brother1s pastoral leader should also see that the couple receive a solid introduction to married life and to a Christian sexual relationship.

The Role of Attraction and Affection in the Relationship It is natural and appropriate as a man and woman move toward marriage that they experience personal affection and sexual desire for one another. Affection and sexual desire are two kinds of love that are important to a marriage relationship though they are not the most important kind of love between a husband and wife. The most important kind of love between a husband and wife is the loyal service love of a brother and sister in the Lord for one another which grows out of the special commitment that Christian marriage entails. Often attraction to one another between a man and woman develops without much effort simply by their spending time with one another. Usually a couple needs to work at controlling and restraining the development of this kind of love until it can have its full and proper expression in marriage. That is why the tone of Christian teaching in this area needs to be cautious. Sometimes, however, during courtship and in marriage itself these other kinds of love need cultivation in order for the relationship of a man and woman to be all it should be. There is a natural kind of winning one another in courtship and pleasing one another in marriage that is fitting. Hen win women by showing a personal consideration and concern for them, by being/manly and by expressing their interest and love for the woman in words, gifts, and actions. (Brothers need to be careful in the courtship process about not moving too quickly by expressing a level of interest through extravagant words, gifts or actions which can frighten a woman if on her end the relationship has not progressed nearly so far.) Women win men by expressing an interest and admiration for them and what they do, by indicating a readiness to follow their lead, by being feminine, and by being someone with whom the man feels comfortable about expressing his outlook on life freely. Both men and women attract one another by grooming and dressing themselves well for one another, dressing modestly but in a way that expresses their respective .maleness or femaleness. Besides being a discernment progresses is one of growth in a Christian love between a brother whether or not it seems right to relationship to marriage. There attraction to one another when a process, the courtship process as it relationship. There ought to be growth in the and sister in the Lord as they get acquainted, them in the long run to pursue that usually ought also to be some measure of couple moves from the Acquaintance phase to

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the Relationship phase, though it is better that that attraction not be so far advanced and intense that it would impair the important discernment process involved in the Relationship phase. A more substantial increase in personal affection and attraction is appropriate during the latter stages of the Relationship phase when it is clear that the ideals for married life of the couple are compatible. By the time of deciding to be engaged a man and woman should want to marry and live out the rest of their lives with one another in .addition to believing that the match is wise and pleasing to the Lord. Of course the culmination of personal affection and sexual attraction belongs after the wedding in the context of the committed love of marriage.

Special Adyice The brothers need to take an overall role of leadership in the courtship process, but they also need to show proper honor to their sisters. The brother should take initj.ative in contacting the sister and deciding what they will do together, but he should find out what she would like to do. He should take responsibility to see that the process is proceeding at the pace and in the manner that will work best for both of them. He should drive to her horne to get her rather than having her corneto him; he should corne to her door rather than expecting her to cornerunning; he should open doors for her; he should pay for their times out together. As the relationship progresses there will be room for small exceptions to some of these practices, but these exceptions should not corne too early nor be too frequent. One of the main ways that sisters can honor their brothers is by guarding their speech when around other sisters. Sisters should avoid talking to their peers about brothers they would or would not want to go out with and why. They should take a special concern to uphold their brothers' reputation and honor. Though the brothers should be taking an overall role of leadership in the courtship process, the sisters should also take concern to see that the relationship is being handled in a righteous and orderly fashion. If the sister has reservations about the way the brother is leading the process, especially if she believes that his approach could lead them into wrongdoing, she should speak to him directly about her reservations and she should not allow herself to be led into anything she considers wrong. This courtship process can only work well if it is carefully overseen by the pastoral leaders of the community. In particular. the pastoral leaders need to be involved in helping the brothers and sisters through the key transition points in the process. Thus. brothers and sisters should consult seriously with their pastoral leaders before deciding to begin the courtship period (before "dating"), before entering into a relationship, and before engagement. For both brothers and sisters, the courtship process can pose many challenges. It is not usually an easy time. It is common to experience anxiety. fear, and feelings of rejection. During this time of their life our brothers and sisters need not only our wisdom and counsel; they also need our personal support and our encouragement to live a life of faith, hope. and love, trusting entirely in the providential care of our Father in heaven. who will not withhold from us his guidance and protection in our time of need.

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