Are you listening to me?

Everyone has heard this question from a parent, child,

sibling, friend, teacher, or coworker. People listen differently. Stimuli pass through mental filters, such as upbringing, background, education, and culture. People use their own perceptions to listen, which is why listening is different for everyone and why effective communication can be difficult. Active listening means listening for the content, meaning, and underlying attitude in every verbal and aural communication situation. This can be a challenge. However, active listening skills can be learned, sharpened, and mastered. This QuickView addresses the following questions: What are the elements of spoken communication? What is the difference between hearing and listening? What is the difference between active listening and passive listening? What are the barriers to active listening? What are the techniques for active listening? What are the techniques for validating your perception and understanding in verbal communication?
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What are the techniques for active listening in telephone communication?

What are the elements of spoken communication? What is the difference between hearing and listening? What is the difference between active listening and passive listening? What are the barriers to active listening? What are the techniques for active listening? What are the techniques for validating your perception and understanding in verbal communication? What are the techniques for active listening in telephone communication?

What are the elements of spoken communication? Communication is the passing of feelings or perceptions from one person to another. Effective communication is the passing of feelings or perceptions with mutual understanding as the result. The elements of effective communication are not only the words that are spoken but how they are spoken, including tone and characteristics of the voice, body language, and gestures. back to top of page

What is the difference between hearing and listening? There is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is physical; listening is intellectual. Listening to what people say and indicating that you understand includes both the words and the feelings behind them. Listening to understand is as important as you expressing your thoughts effectively to others. back to top of page

What is the difference between active listening and passive listening? Hearing is fundamentally a one-dimensional process that engages the ears. Listening is a multi-level process that engages the mind and the ears.

Passive listening primarily involves hearing. Neither verbal nor nonverbal signals are used to show that listening is taking place. An example of passive listening is pretending to listen when your thoughts are elsewhere. Active listening involves using verbal signals, such as paraphrasing (restating or summarizing information), and nonverbal signals, such as nodding the head, to demonstrate that listening is taking place. An example of active listening is empathic listening, which combines empathy (projecting yourself into the personality of the other person in order to better understand that person's emotions or feelings) with listening skills. Through empathic listening you let the speaker know: "I understand your problem and how you feel about it. I am interested in what you are saying. I am not judging you."

What are the barriers to active listening? Personal barriers and environmental barriers can inhibit active listening.

The following examples of personal barriers inhibit active listening: Anxiety Burnout Stress Prejudging or preconceiving ideas Lack of interest Low mental stamina Low physical stamina Poor eye contact Facial expressions Poor posture

The following examples of environmental barriers interfere with active listening: High noise level Work space Poor telephone connection Uncomfortable temperature Interruptions, such as instant messages when you are on a telephone call Distractions

What are the techniques for active listening? Active listening is a skill that is based on the following techniques. Be attentive. Give the speaker your complete attention. Focus on the content and the emotion underlying the words. Remove, avoid, or ignore distractions. Focus on one statement or thought at a time. Do not interrupt. If you need to clarify a critical point of understanding, do so after the person has completed the thought. Make mental and written notes. Maintain eye contact if the discussion is in person and if cultural norms permit. If you are participating in a telephone discussion, keep a mental image of the person or group in focus. Keep an open mind. Let the person finish speaking before you respond. Stay focused on the facts. Avoid making assumptions. Avoid forming conclusions too quickly. Remain objective.

Actively listen. Ensure that the person knows you are listening by using verbal and nonverbal signals.

Give verbal feedback clues, such as "I understand." Give nonverbal feedback clues, such as nodding the head.

Use a variety of feedback clues to avoid sounding mechanical. Verify your understanding. Paraphrase the information by restating or summarizing the main points.

What are the techniques for validating your perception and understanding in verbal communication? When verbally communicating, ask questions to ensure that your perception of what the speaker is saying is correct. Use the following five types of questions to help you validate your perception and understanding.

Open-ended questions help get the information you need to understand the complete picture. Use open-ended questions during the following situations: When you want the person to "open up" When you need general information from the person When you want the person's thoughts or opinions When you want to understand the emotions, motivation, and feelings underlying the words Examples of open-ended questions are, "How is the project going?" and "What do you think the problem might be?"

Closed-ended questions target specific facts. Use closed-ended questions during the following situations: When you need only limited facts When you need a yes or no answer When you want to ascertain information When you want to focus on specific information When you need to control the conversation

Examples of closed-ended questions are, "Did you receive the information you needed from the project manager?" and "Will the task be complete by next Tuesday?"

Probing questions help explore a discussion topic more deeply. Use probing questions during the following situations: When you need to clarify information When you want to narrow the focus of the conversation When you want to determine the person's needs When you want to be sure that you completely understand the person's request Examples of probing questions are, "How do you feel about the change to the project deadline?" and "What do you mean when you say 'almost complete'?"

Mirroring questions are used to gather additional facts. Use the following information when asking mirroring questions: Select key words from the person's statement. These words provide a natural lead-in to the next question. Repeat the key words in the form of a question. Give the person the time to respond or to provide more information.

A mirroring question is useful in the following situation: A person states that a task is almost complete. Respond by asking, "Almost complete?" This response mirrors the

words and solicits a better understanding of what "almost" means. Another example of mirroring is responding to the statement "I really don't like that approach" by asking "What is it about this approach that you don't like?"

Leading questions help direct the person's thought process. Use leading questions during the following situations: When you recognize an opportunity to help a person confirm a decision more quickly When the direction in which you are leading the person is the most appropriate one for the person, not just for you When you need to refocus the conversation or concentrate on a specific topic

Examples of leading questions are, "Do you think assigning an additional person to the project will help you to meet the deadline?" and "I know we all feel pressure. What resources do you need to be sure that you meet the deadline?" Consider the following tips when asking leading questions: Do not ask the question prematurely. The person might perceive this action as deceptive or manipulative. Be sensitive to the possibility that the person might feel tricked into an answer. Be aware that the person might feel compelled to provide you with the answer that you want to hear, rather than what the person truly wants to say. What are the techniques for active listening in telephone communication?

Listening actively during a telephone conversation or a conference call requires additional focus. You do not have the advantage of seeing the person's response, you cannot read facial expressions, and you cannot rely on gestures or visual cues to help you understand what is being communicated.

The following techniques can help you listen actively during telephone communication: Take notes to help you follow what is being said, and note questions that might need clarification or further explanation. Do not interrupt. Listen as much as possible before asking for clarification.

Ask questions to be sure that you understand what is being said. Summarize and state your understanding of what is being said and ask for validation.

Give verbal feedback, such as "I understand" or "That makes sense." If the call involves more than a few participants, agree at the beginning how questions will be handled. There should be minimal interruptions to the speakers. Active listening means allowing people to say what they need to say without others forming conclusions too quickly.

If something is not completely clear during the call, be sure to ask for clarification before proceeding.

Be careful not to assume that you know the speaker's emotion or attitude. Ask appropriate questions to be sure that you understand the speaker's position.

Remember that your attitude can often be conveyed in the tone of your voice. Actually smile when you speak . . . "a smile or a frown can often be heard."

Tips
Use the following tips to improve your active listening skills: The elements of effective communication are not only the words that are spoken but also how they are spoken, including voice tone and characteristics, and, when speaking face-to-face, body language and gestures. Hearing is physical; listening is intellectual. The unspoken message has impact; consider the feelings underlying the words. Active listening requires concentration and energy, but it shortens communication time. Paraphrase to be sure that you understand the message. Probe to be sure that you understand the message. Check to be sure that you are following the logic. Verify your understanding by reflecting or asking questions. Reflect the feelings and emotions, paraphrase content, and relate to examples or analogies to validate your understanding. Show empathy but not sympathy. Listen with care and concern (empathy), but be cautious about reflecting the emotions and sharing the pain

(sympathy). Sympathy can be expressed effectively only when you have had the same experience. Judge content when comprehension is complete, and skip over delivery errors. Listen for main ideas and central themes. Eliminate distractions or other barriers; focus and concentrate. Take interest in the speaker, and be patient when the speaker is communicating. Capitalize on thought being faster than speech: Challenge, anticipate, mentally summarize, weigh the evidence, and listen to the tone of voice. Speak rarely and listen actively.

Traps
Avoid the following traps common to active listening: The barriers to listening include poor eye contact, facial expressions, poor posture, movement, interruptions, and distractions. Do not allow preconceived ideas or perceptions to interfere with listening. Avoid having to be right. Do not form conclusions too quickly. Do not stop listening when the subject is uninteresting or the delivery is poor. Do not fake attention. Avoid reacting to emotional words. Avoid daydreaming when a slow speaker is delivering a message. Do not be critical, defensive, denying, identifying, interrogating, combative, or advising, as illustrated in the following examples:

Trap Critical

Example Speaker statement: "... Those are my thoughts for how we should proceed with the project." Listener response: "I think what you outlined is not the way that we should move forward. You're not thinking ahead far enough. This is what I think ..." A more effective response: "I appreciate the thought that you put into the project. These are a few points that I view somewhat differently ..." Speaker statement: "I felt that your thoughts were elsewhere when I was talking just then." Listener response: "I have a lot on my mind, and if you were in my situation, your mind would probably be wandering too." A more effective response: "I apologize for not giving you my full attention, and I really do want to know what you think about the situation. Would you please restate your thoughts?" Speaker statement: "I was upset when you interrupted me repeatedly during the meeting." Listener response: "I don't remember interrupting you at all." A more effective response: "I apologize for interrupting you. That's a rude behavior, and I really want to work on it. If it happens again, would you please tell me that I am interrupting you?" Speaker statement: "I am really upset that Pat was ignoring my comments during the meeting." Listener response: "I know what you mean! Pat did that to me, too, a couple of weeks ago, and I couldn't believe it!" A more effective response: "I can understand why you would be upset. Do you want to talk about it?" Speaker statement: "I think that the other report is more effective because the dates are more current." Listener response: "Do we have to have current dates? Why can't we just use this one? Won't we have to change other parts of this report if we use current dates? If we do, we won't meet our deadline!" A more effective response: "Having current dates on the report is a good idea. However, we do have a deadline to consider. Is there any way to use the current dates and still meet the deadline?" Speaker statement: "The document is missing from the project TeamRoom. Do you have a copy that you could forward to me?" Listener response: "I'm sure it's in the TeamRoom. It's probably just user error on your part."

Defensive

Denying

Identifying

Interrogating

Combative

A more effective response: "I'll be glad to forward a copy of the document to you. However, I think that I can locate it in the TeamRoom. Let me check . . ." Advising Speaker statement: "This new software program is difficult to learn. I'm really having trouble with it." Listener response: "It's really not all that difficult. Just read the help files, and you're sure to master it then." A more effective response: "I can understand how you feel. I've had difficulty learning certain software programs myself. I've found that the help files for this program are very useful. Have you tried them yet?"