WIVES AND HUSBANDS (27): WHY HUSBANDS MUST LEAVE (Ephesians 5:22-33) Today we end our series on marriage.

I had prepared 2 or 3 more messages which Ive decided to skip, but there is one critical aspect that I believe is worth our time that is, husbands who leave. One guy who was packing to leave his house. His wife yelled at him, Youll be back. How long do you think you can stand happiness? But it is another kind of leaving we want to address. Often a husband leaves his wife because he has not left his original home. Hes like the 25-year-old college grad who moved back home to save up money for a condo. The parents knew they were in trouble the day his mother, while cleaning, spotted a milk jug in the corner with a few coins labeled Condo down payment. That young man will bring unfinished business to his marriage. He hasnt left home yet. We have seen in Ephesians 5:22-33 that the role of a husband consists in four things. He is to be a leader, lover, leaver and cleaver. Today we reach that 3rd role in verse 31: Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Leave father and mother. Its tough sledding if you havent left home. I. Leader II. Lover II. Leaver The word leave is used elsewhere of abandoning land, deserting people, setting servants free. It pictures a complete break. Here, it means breaking, both physically and emotionally, the ties that bind to ones parents -- to assume a life of ones own. It is not the abandonment of honoring and caring for parents. Those are biblical mandates. But it means a definite, and final break from parental authority. A man isnt ready to husband until he is making his own decisions, accepting responsibility and living his own life. If he is still dependent on Mom and Dad financially, emotionally, or in decision-making, he is not ready for marriage from Gods perspective. Wise parents, therefore, train with the goal of turning their sons loose somewhere plus or minus 20 years of age. There are no hard-and-fast rules, as some people mature faster than others, but heres the principle: parents are training to release children, not to see how long they can keep them. Perhaps you heard of the mother cat who was nagging little Tom to death. He finally turned to her and said, Cant I lead at least one of my own
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lives? The problem with children is that they do not have multiple lives like a cat. We owe it to them to let them lead it. Unfortunately, we have no ritual that says to kids now you are an adult. Letting go is hard; in real life, parents hang on longer than necessary. Or, they never let go at all! So, the husband or husband-to-be must leave on his own something some guys just cant do. Then we have a tragedy. Leaving is not an act of unkindness, or rebellion, or disrespect. It is commanded by God. What the Lord says is clear. To understand why He has said this, I want develop this theme in five parts. 1. The Importance of Leaving Our passage shows this in two ways. First, it was instructed at the first marriage. Listen to Gen 2:23-24, And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. That last statement is very strange. Why? Well, answer this: Who was Adams father and mother that he left? He didnt have one and yet we get this instruction anticipating the future. Thats how important God thinks this is. A second interesting point; it is addressed to the husband. Why didnt God say the woman is to leave her father and mother? Certainly the principle applies to both. But God specifically addressing the husband must be significant. Why? Because the man is assigned the role of leader in marriage, and he cannot lead if he has conflicting allegiances. He cannot lead his new home while still being at home with Mom and Dad. He has to leave the one in order to lead the other. So the principle is, He has to leave in order to lead! Lee Iacocca first gained fame at Ford with the release of the wildly successful Ford Mustang in 1965. This led to many successful years as president of Ford Motor Company. But by 1978, he and board chairman, Henry Ford II could no longer get along, despite a $2 billion profit. Iococca moved to Chrysler, which was on the verge of bankruptcy. In time, he turned that company around, mostly on ideas Ford rejected. But the point is, Iococca could not lead Chrysler until he left Ford. He had to leave in order to lead. So a husband must cut the ties. Competing interests make it impossible to please both Mom and wife. It cant be done. History is
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replete with otherwise highly successful men who tried and failed. FDRs mother actually moved in with FDR and Eleanor. FDR never fully left home, and while he was hugely successful politically, his marriage was an abject failure. He never left home. Contrast that with an incident my mom shared with me not long before she died. She told how early in their marriage, Dads parents were living with Mom and Dad for economic reasons. One day Mom happened to overhear my grandmother telling Dad that she did not like the way Mom did some particular thing. She said that Dad listened carefully and then said to his mother: Mom, shes my wife and thats the way it is going to be. You have to leave in order to lead. 2. The Impediments to Leaving There are two a primary and a secondary. You wont like them, but here they are. The primary impediment to a man leaving home is are you ready? Mom. Mom is the primary impediment. Sometimes unconsciously, and sometimes very consciously, she hangs on. The story is told of a San Francisco matre d' who received a call from his mother in Israel, where he was to fly next day to visit her for the first time in 14 years. She said, "Don't be late for dinner." Old habits hard to break. Mom may keep a stranglehold for many reasons. Sometimes her marriage has failed, whether the husband is still there or not, and she has married her son. He is the focal point of her life. Or it could be that in her need for meaning she has kept him a boy. She has been his tutor; his alarm clock; his defense against bullies, his personal manager; to give him up would to be lose her purpose for living. She has no life outside of him. Besides, he cant make it without her. Any other woman is a competitor. Its motherly love carried to an abnormal, unintended extreme. If Satan cant get you to love too little, he is happy to get you to love too much (which really isnt love, but only feels like it). It is smothering not mothering. Most mothers have to deal with this issue. If not checked, it is trouble. Robert Lewis, in The Quest for Authentic Manhood told the story of Kevin. Kevin adored his wife, but he was not strong enough in his own right to lead. He wanted space to pursue a hobby; she wanted him home, and he could not stand up for his own separateness. He complied, but then resented her. Love disappeared. This pattern continued until he finally left her. He felt smothered and controlled.
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What he could not see was that this was largely his own fault. His mother was a strong-willed woman, she controlled him, and he never left her. Instead of leaving mom and cleaving to his wife, he turned his wife into Mom -- and left her instead. It was easier! This is one of the most common divorce scenarios that occur in men's lives. They marry a controlling woman Mom -- and then think she is the problem. They fail to learn to lead by setting boundaries. You must leave in order to lead. An angry "Stop controlling me!" would turn into, "No, I don't want to." Men often unconsciously see wives and girlfriends as the controlling mothers that they are not strong enough to deal with and so they leave them." Unfinished business between mother and son. It is subtle. Son, you and Debi are coming home for Christmas, arent you? John, you are going to take that job with General Motors, arent you? Listen -- Moms, do yourself and your children a favor. Cut the ties so they dont have to. Love them, pray for them, listen to them, and if they ask advice, think carefully and give it. But first, cut the ties. A son cannot lead unless he leaves. And husbands, if Mom hangs on, youve got to cut the cord. Do it as lovingly and as sensitively as possible, but make it firm; and make it stick, even if it hurts. For the sake of your family, you must. I saw a cartoon showing a guy lying on the psychiatrists couch. Laying right beside him is Mom! The doctor says, Next session, Mrs. Smith, Id like your son to solo. Mom your son cant solo unless you cut him lose for him to break the tie is even more painful. First impediment Mom! Now, the second impediment to a son leaving: you guessed it Dad. Dad better understands the need for leaving. He may not consciously hold on. His contribution to the problem is more subtle and happens over time almost in the background. What he does unconsciously is implant unrealistic expectations. Dad can easily turn out a son who spends his whole life trying to live up to those expectations without ever quite feeling good enough. Its done with good intent. We want our sons to be the best. But somehow, we concentrate on the mistakes. Everyone else sees the 25 points he scored we only see how it should have been 29 if he had been more aggressive on this drive and not hurried those two free throws. Whether it is academics, sports, or work, we have to be careful to balance advice with compliments. So, Mom -- cut the ties; let him make his own decisions. Dad -- learn to compliment far more than criticize. Concentrate on the effort rather than the results. In so doing, you will enable your son to leave. He must leave before he can lead.
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3. The Impetus to Leaving The impetus to leaving is very simple. A son cannot become a man until his parents release him or until he declares his independence. Can it be any more simple than that? In holding onto our sons, we prevent their joining the fraternity of independent, responsible, decision-making manhood. We see our interventions as preventing mistakes (which they may well do) but what our interventions really prevent is his manhood! Do you recall the story of how Jacob stole Esaus blessing in Gen 27? Isaac was old and was ready to pass on the blessing of Abraham to Esau. But first he sent him to hunt some venison. He wanted an occasion. Do you remember that Rebekah favored Jacob, had never released him? She wanted the blessing for him. We read in Gen 29:6-8, And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying, 7 Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the Lord before my death. 8 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee. Command? Her grown son? She had him under her thumb. Told him what he wanted, why he wanted it and how to get it. From livelong habit, Jacob obeyed. He could not make his own decisions, was passive, refused responsibility -- in short, was a 77-year-old boy. He got the blessing all right. A blessing God had promised him all along had he just waited. But in the end, he was forced to leave home and tragically never saw his mother again. Failure to release our children is nothing more than playing God in their lives and it always ends badly. A son cannot lead until he leaves. Dont play God help him leave. Let him make his own mistakes. Peter Buffet, son of billionaire investor Warren Buffet found himself in financial difficulty one time. When he turned to his father for help, here is what he got: I believe in you as my child, and you dont need my help. Peter accepted that as an act of love on the part of his father. You see, when we keep helping and advising and over-protecting our children, we are really saying to them, I dont believe in you. Without my help you would never make it. That is a horrifically devastating hidden message. It is the number one preventative for children becoming adults and it will kill any marriage they make prior to getting it right. Rather than hold them, we ought to push our children from the nest so they can come back to us as adults. Bill Cosby has noted: Humans are the only species who allow
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their young to come back home. Take note there is a reason they must leave -- to reach adulthood. Hanging on only stifles their growth. 4. The Implementation of Leaving Now, a word about implementation. This isnt binary. We dont have a 100% dependent son one day and declare him released the next. It is not a declaration made on their way out the door to get married. This happens gradually all the way through childhood. From day one, we plan for our sons and we step our sons into manhood. Hanging on is not love; it is selfishness. Release is gradual and much sooner than society encourages. There is a telling account given by a medical doctor in the Bible. It is Dr. Lukes account at the end of Luke 2. Jesus went to Jerusalem at age 12 with his parents and promptly got lost for three days. They found him in the temple disputing with the rabbis, and lets pick up at verse 48, And when his parents saw him, they were astonished. And his mother said to him, Son, why have you treated us so? (Which being translated means, How could you treat your mother like this?!) Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress. 49 And he said to them, Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Fathers house? 50 And they did not understand the saying that he spoke to them. We learn a couple of things here. If you are a mom and you struggle with this, you are in good company. So did Mary. More than once Jesus had to declare His independence from Mom. The message to moms is, help your son out. Hes not Jesus and does not have His strength or insight. Help him leave. The second thing we see is that already by the age of 12, Jesus was basically declaring that he is not destined to be what his earthly mother desires, but what His heavenly Father calls him to be. For this to happen, -listen now for this to happen, parents must get out of the way. The goal of godly parents is to gradually move their children out from under their control to the control of their heavenly Father. In the Bible, kids basically become recognized adults by age 12. Joachim Jeremias, a prominent Jewish historian, tells us that girls were normally engaged by age 12 or 13 and formally married within the year after that. They were trained to accept adult responsibility at an early age. In our complex society, 12 might be a bit young, but certainly by age 18 or 19, we should be delivering functioning adults even if still at home.
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To make that schedule, you have to start at birth. One obstetrics nurse had a fetal monitoring device that amplified fetal heartbeats so everyone in the room could hear. However, one morning the machine picked up a Nashville radio station. From the laboring womans abdomen came a rich baritone voice crooning Please, Release Me. Well, in-eutero is a bit early! But consider Gods plan. The moment a baby is born, what happens? What must happen? The umbilical cord is cut. Right? Clip! And the release process has already begun with that small but highly symbolic act? God is telling us something, dear friends. This is why many women suffer postpartum depression. Guys dont get that. To us, here is a new life. Its all wonderful. What is there to be depressed about? But to a woman usually unconsciously, that new life is a net loss to her personally. It has cost her a bond that was nine-months in the making. Post-partum depression is very real. To the mother there is a new life, but there is less of me! It seldom lasts long, but the cutting has begun; it hurts, but it is instructive. It is a purposeful precursor to what is coming You must gradually abdicate in a planned way or you force them to cut the cord which is much more painful. Every childs schedule varies. But some clues if you are doing your childs homework, or helping a lot, you are hanging on -- not releasing. If you are the alarm clock for your teen, or their scheduler or bill-payer or their money manager or their lunch maker or their homework conscience you are hanging on. Let them to learn from the school of hard knocks. Let them learn less painful things there now, so they dont have to learn hard things there later. Gradually increase responsibility so that it is not a shock at age 18 when you say, Youre on your own. Remember, they cannot lead until they leave. Help them leave then you get them back as adults. 5. The Impairment of not Leaving Hanging on feels loving and safe, but in reality it is stifling, and it has consequences. What happens if we fail to release our sons (or daughters, for that matter)? We get another Kevin. We get sons who are passive, irresponsible, indecisive and unprepared for life. Teddy and Edith Roosevelt -- both strong personalities. Good at many things; bad at releasing children. Teddy died relatively young at the age of 60 leaving Edith a widow for many years. She remained aloof from politics until FDR, a distance cousin of Teddy, ran for president in 1932. Edith did not think much of Cousin Franklin, so she was always good for a quote against him.
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She made headlines with her appearance at the Republican rally in Madison Square Garden in 1932. But two can play that game, so FDR was soon wooing Ediths compliant and easy-going son, Archie extracting his backing. When someone asked Edith for an explanation, she said, My son Archie has been seduced -- because his mother wasnt there. I think his bigger problem was that she hadnt released him. A man cant lead until he leaves. And he cant become a man until he is released. Conclusion Mark Mittelburg, in his book, Choosing Your Faith, tells how his parents made release explicit. His father sat him down one night and said, Youre reaching the age, son, when you're making important, life-changing decisions. Your Mom and I have reached a conclusion I want to share with you. We have done our best to raise you in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And here you are, almost 19. Time to start deciding for yourself what you believe and how you're going to live your life. Our job as parents is pretty much finished. We don't want to try to force you to do or be anything you really don't want to. Were putting you in the Lords hands. We'll always be here to help and encourage in any way we can -- and you know we want you to follow Jesus -- but what you decide and do from here on out is between you and God." Mark said, I had a moment of euphoria that the pressure was off, and then realized I now answered to the Lord. That is a graphic example of where your parenting must be leading if you are hoping to produce a man and not a boy. Husbands if your parents havent set you free, they probably never will without your intervention. If they still determine where you spend the holidays, family traditions, how you rear children, manage finances frankly, if they are running any part of your existence, you need to make the break. It may take a carefully thought out face-to-face communication or a letter, or it may simply be a matter of standing on your own two feet, but you cannot lead until you leave. One couple were visiting friends when the hosts received a telephone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone, the mother told the father to pick up the extension. The newlyweds had had their first big fight. In a few moments, the father rejoined the guests and tersely explained, Said she wanted to come home. What did you tell her? the other husband asked. Told her she was home. Know
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what? That was the most loving thing he could possibly have done. Release them and let them go. What you will get back is a real man or woman. For sons in particular he cannot lead until he leaves. Lets pray.