the weekly satirical newspaper of the university of pittsburgh. Es tab l i s hed 2 1 year s a g o , we lo o k 6 3 a nd H u n g aria n , ri g h t?

September 2, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 3 pittifulnews.com

Everyone Loves Bicyclists

percentage of road laws motorists believe bicyclists should follow

90 5

Pigeon Rebellion Inspires Fear in Oakland Residents

RAECHELLE LANDERS staff writer A rouge group of pigeons of the Pitt campus are rebelling against society. Despite the moldy scraps of bread Oakland residents offer to them, the pigeons are sh*tting on the heads of Pitt students, teachers, and faculty. Due to the incessant rainfall of bird sh*t, authorities are advising anyone brave enough to venture outside to use a strong umbrella. The fecal matter is unavoidable at this time, says an officer of the campus police. It is important to remember that these birds have great aim and the higher they fly the harder their . . . He was unable to finish his statement as he was bombarded with high flying pigeon poop. The authorities are currently trying to reason with the head of the anarchist pigeons who calls himself Mike. Unfortunately, Mike is refusing to cooperate and has recently been targeting reports with his attacks in order to gain public attention through the media. Even our own cameras and reporters have become targets in Mike and his Sh*t Shooters attempts to spread a message which is, at this moment, unclear. CONTINUED ON PAGE 4

percentage of road laws bicyclists believe bicyclists should follow

KELSEY HENKE, editor in chief

Savings-hungry senior citizens are preying on the children of Oakland EMILY CROUSHORE staff writer At 9:00 AM yesterday morning at the Pittsburgh Zoo, over 200 senior citizens stampeded through the entrance gates with small children stuffed inside of plastic bags, sweatshirt pockets, and grocery carts in order to receive a free cup of coffee. The PBGH Zoo placed advertisements throughout Shadyside, Squirrel Hill and South Oakland promote its Free admission with a grandchild day. Unfortunately, the intervention of the authorities became necessary when exactly 212 concerned parents called to report their missing children shortly after the zoo opened. CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

Hide Yo Kids!

IN THIS ISSUE page 2 theatrical review activity guide for sleeping people page 3 weekly forecast retraction page 4 economic advice from the homeless

Submit Send us writings: pittifulnews@gmail.com

2 Savings-hungry senior citizens are preying on the children of Oakland CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 A man working at the ticket booth said,, It all happened so fast. I didnt know that old people could move so quickly, especially with children tucked in their jackets and purses. Hundreds of emergency phone calls were made around the same time from nearby neighborhood residents claiming that they heard, crying, screeching children muffled by fences and bushes. To make matters worse, the Pittsburgh Zoo also advertised that all grandparents would receive a free cup of coffee or tea in addition to their free admission. Unfortunately, the option of either coffee or tea only added to the havoc since these savings-hungry senior citizens had choices. Authorities said that most children have been returned safely to their families. However, there are an estimated 80 children who were still declared missing as of 7:00 PM yesterday night. Those childrens parents have remained in contact with the police, fire department and zoo since the disappearances occurred. Many residents in the neighboring developments fear that these chil-

the pittiful news dren will not be returned until after Brueggers Bagels free coffee with a bagel purchase takes place next Wednesday. What is worse is local authorities have discovered several other local businesses who recently advertised free products for this coming week. It is unknown at this point when these children will be returned to their families, if ever. Please contact hideyokids.com or email us at grandparentsgonewild@gmail.com with any information concerning these dangerous senior citizens.

september 15, 2011

Activities for You and A Passed Out Friend

MINDY FILANDILOCKIS staff writer Its always a bummer when your partner in crime falls asleep before the night is over, whether the cause is drowsiness, alcohol consumption or narcolepsy. Here are some suggestions to spice up the remainder of your evening: 1. Relocate them somewhere more interesting like a porch swing, playground slide, bathtub, car roof or mini golf course Record the nights events on their thigh Use their phone to send the texts you believe they would be sending if they were conscious Use them as a backrest Fill their pockets with unusual items Borrow their credit card to buy you both pizza Cover him or her in a blanket made of cray paper, cat hair or cheese whiz

2. 3.

4. 5. 6. 7.

Wicked, The Phantom Menace of Musical Theater?

JAKE SWANSON staff writer The second coming of Christ hit Pittsburgh last week, although most people, including the Pittsburgh CLO, confused the event with the Broadway musical Wicked. It is with good reason that the play, which centers around the Good and titular Wicked Witches of Oz from classic novel/movie/play The Wizard of Oz, was confused for a godsend. The play, after all,

is a masterpiece, and a well-demanded one. A prequel to The Wizard of Oz is one of the best ideas since the prequels to the original Star Wars.

It is like if Mary Poppins was revealed to be a flesh devouring demon.

Wicked lives up to this by carrying all the special effects, sensible plot, well-written dialogue, and heart of 1,000 Phantom Menaces. More depth is added to the classic characters of Glinda and the Wicked Witch (here known as Elphaba) than was

ever seen in the classic movie by taking them from their unrelatable world of good vs. evil and casting them into high school. (Note: It might actually be a college with high school dramait is hard to tellbut that makes the story all the more complex and deep). The play exposes the classic world of Oz for what it truly is: a cruel dictatorship oppressing the one good person. That good person is the socalled Wicked Witch, whose attempts to murder Dorothy, burn the Scarecrow to death, and rule over Oz with magic shoes, flying monkeys, and an enslaved army in the movie were nothing more than the result of not getting Greases Danny Zuko to have sex with her until late in the second act. She was innocent

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

september 15, 2011

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Derek Chance, head of the Pigeon and Human Relations Office, believes that this minority group of anarchist pigeons is rebelling against the Food for a Shit Free Campus Act of 2009. This policy was put into place after the Sh*tting of 08 when this same group pigeons relieved themselves at every bus stop in the Oakland area. This foul catastrophe became a true horror story, impacting shuttle and bus passengers throughout the campus. Bus riders were unable to utilize buses due to the unseemly

amount of sh*t on the sidewalks. The Sh*tting shut down the transportation system for a week before the city was able to remove the entire malodorous collection of pigeon poop. Chance says that all pedestrians must remain calm and peaceful. Despite the relentless missiles that rain down from the incredibly irritating and foul smelling pigeons, Chance believes that if we avoid provoking them further, negotiations will soon begin. Derek Chance is the only known person alive who can speak fluent pigeon and has written several books on pigeon lore and culture which can be found at the Hillman Li-

brary on campus. There is no better authority on pigeons than Chance. He has been working alongside the Pitt Pigeon President, Nancy, and her staff of Pitt Pigeons in order to determine what Mike and his followers want. They believe that once they have determined this key element they will be able to offer a peaceful solution with Mike and the Sh*t Shooters. While we wait for a resolution, Nancy asks that we continue to feed the peaceful pigeons moldy bread scraps. She would like to emphasize that the more mold on the bread the better.

retraction
In a June 9th article staff writer Janet Floyd described her ex-boyfriend as useless, rude and not even that cute. Pittiful News would like to withdraw this statement after new findings revealed that he does have nice abs and hes not that bad of a guy.

the whole time. I was worried, in fact, that the play would show Elphaba crossing lines that shouldnt be crossed, using evil means despite trying to do good, but I was relieved that they avoided such depth by making her a perfectly sweet, innocent person. Meanwhile, as if seeing this new, beautiful side to the classic childhood story was not enough, the musical fortunately sends us some dark turns. The bumbling Wizard is revealed to be a malevolent mastermind who could be best buddies with Hitler (assuming they did not each try and kill each other), and Glinda, the supposed-Good Witch, is actually a selfcentered b*tch who would rather be-

tray her best friend and live the life of a coward than give up her perfectly sculpted boyfriend. It is a genuine treat to see childhood icons transformed into despicable, soulless beings. It is like if Mary Poppins was revealed to be a fleshdevouring demon. Genius. But a musical is not complete without music, and, boy, does Wicked bring it. It has classic songs that I expect to be in every household, such as Defying Gravity, The Wizard and I, Defying Gravity, and Defying Gravity. Everyone thinks that theyve heard musical perfection in The Wizard of Ozs Somewhere Over the Rainbow, but then comes Defying Gravity, and Judy Garland is nothing more than a faded memory.

Overall, this is a huge step forward for theater as a whole, and not just musical. If more bombastic, effects-heavy, line-crossing plays such as this can be made, then who knows? Maybe theater will be seeing Transformers: The Musical soon. Theaters not dead, people. Its just resting. Jake Swanson totally calls copyright on the movie where we see the Banks childrens nanny created by Satan himself out of clay, easternblowing wind, and the dead fetuses that those abortion people advertise on the sidewalk.

the pittiful news

september 15, 2011

Talking Economy with the Homeless on Forbes

JOSH WON staff writer This week, Pittiful News has had the indescribable privilege of consulting a prime authority on finance in a healthy discussion about the Universitys recent budget cuts. Through a few cigarettes and small change (which the man firmly insisted upon me providing) Ive gleaned some fantastic kernels on how to face reduced funding and a tough economy with grace. Use the resources available. Its like every time I try to wash myself, the police pull me out of the fountain, Homeless Guy says. And he has a point: if the students arent getting use out of the facilities already available, they certainly arent making good enough use out of funds. He also mentions sleeping in the Cathedral when its cold, eating free candy from department desks, and using copies of Pitt News for insulation. Talk about resourcefulness. I for one will be taking my soap out to the fountain in front of the Frick Fine Arts building the next time my hair needs a good wash. Every five weeks is pretty often for my taste, but the ladies like it, he wheezes through the centimeter of cigarette filter left between his fingers. CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Zersha Munir Jake Swanson Raechelle Landers Emily Croushore Josh Won Mindy Filandilockis Editor-In-Chief Managing Editor Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Consolidate your liabilities. You have to eat and drink to survive, but a lot of the whisky I get has calories already in it, so, really, youre saving money. Though I manage to decline the brown-bagged bottle he generously offers, his point is irresistible: by merging multiple needs into one solution, you ultimately conserve money in the long run. And the University is quick to learning- in the near future, readers shouldnt be too surprised to see professors baking pizzas at Market Central, graduate students cleaning toilets (okay, thats not much of a stretch), and Chancellor Mark Nordenberg actually doing something. These pants, he gestures down at the worn corduroy, I got them off of a clothes line in front of that house over there. Its all about knowing when not to spend unnecessary money. So thats what happened to my underwear, dammit.

Use your time in school well. When you go to college, its not all about the degree- youve got to come out with something. Also, the job market needs people with skills, not just facts. Hes right, too. College is going to be expensive, so its imperative that its at least a sound investment. A lot of people are surprised when I tell them Im a Pitt alumnus, he says, contemplating how horrible his life might have otherwise turned, If it wasnt for my degree, I dont know what Id be doing right now. Looking into his wrinkled face, disheveled beard, and bloodshot eyes, I believe him, and hope our faithful readers do too. After all, nothing is worse than four years spent on a worthless focus of study. Thank God Im a Communications

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