the weekly satirical newspaper of the university of pittsburgh. Es tab l i s hed o u t o f wed l o ck i n t he b ac k o f a Old s mo b ile .

September 23, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 4 pittifulnews.com

Conscious Attempts at Eye Contact

Defense Against the Difficult Classes

EMILY CROUSHORE staff writer

With a staring contest opponent

With someone who has a large chest

With a teacher who has requested an answer to a question

With people who try to distribute free literature

University of Pittsburgh to Build a Football Field on Campus

JAKE SWANSON
staff writer

After finally board members realized that it is absolutely necessary, the Pitt football team will get its own stadium right on campus. Pitt spokesperson Jon Infedele announced the plans at a press conference this Monday. We realized that forcing Pitt students to take a 30-minute bus ride, potentially with actual walking, both ways no less, just to see our proud football team playits unthinkable, Infedele said.

The project is to be a simple one; construction on the new arena will be finished by the end of the year. We ask that our students just endure this current season, with all of its trials and tribulations, Infedele said, and the reward will be totally worth it. Just think: a big stadium, two minutes away from your dorm, much like the one on top of the hill wasyou know, where the Pete now stands. Officials and contractors started siz-

ing up the situation, realizing that building the stadium would require little more than leveling all the trees on the Cathedral and Union lawns, as well as all of Bigelow Boulevard. Then, after a collective brainwave, they realized that the idea was, as they put it, really f*cking stupid. It really was a dumb idea, Infedele said on Tuesday. We cant just plop a stadium in the middle of campuswe have to develop portal technology . CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

Harry Potter is so NOT overrated; especially since Pitt is now offering a class during the spring semester in which students acquire the ability to defend their ever-expanding minds against all of the difficult, time-consuming, stressful classes that Pitt unfortunately has to offer. The idea of this defense mechanism came to the Deans Office as an anonymous tip, because most normal teachers want their students to retain the excessively thorough amount of information they stuff into our brains each week. CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 career fair advice page 3 weekly forecast alternative drinking games page 4 pre-martial sex debate creates controversy

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the pittiful news

september 23, 2011

CONTINED FROM PAGE 1 However, the idea of a Defense against the Difficult Classes has become more of a psychological test to see how motivated students may be when they are enrolled in a class to help them evade their difficult classes. Teachers noticed a dramatic increase in student attendance and timeliness. Additionally, students seem to be more attentive and willing to volunteer themselves as potential candidates for mind defense training.

Such skills include molding the brain to deter unnecessary information taught in difficult classes and to consume only what is mandatory and relevant to the students major, life, and interests. Furthermore, students will learn how to control what information enters their brains and what can be left floating around for their teachers to re-gobble. One student from the Defense against the Difficult Classes class remarked, I think this is a

fantastic addition to the University because having the ability to defend my mind against information that I dont need enables me to fill my brain with more useful knowledge, such as World of War Craft cheat codes and lyrics to rap songs about sex, drugs, and money. Clearly, all universities to need consider the idea of a defense class in order to promote its students natural talents and leave space for the necessary information, like Five Guys hours of operation

Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race? They ended in a tie.
ALEX SEMIDEI Staff Contributor

Tips for the Upcoming Career Fair

KELSEY HENKE editor-in-chief The career fair can be stressful and confusing to those who are not familiar with the atmosphere. Listed below are a few pointers on how to present yourself to potential employers in a favorable way. 1. Wear something that makes you stand out. The necktie has been out of style for years; opt instead for a nice pair of silk pajamas or a classy cape. 2. Fill your resume. The worst thing is a empty resume. Instead fill it with pictures of unicorns, recipes for lemon pepper chicken or a list of your dark childhood secrets. 3. Never shake the hands of the

Employers like it when you dress in potentially offensive costumes and apparel.

people you meet. Most employers would prefer a fistbump, a hip check or an aggressive snuggle. 4. 86% of employers utilize social media networks such as Facebook to screen future employees. Your profile picture will tell them a lot about your personality. Choose a picture of you funneling a gallon of wine or exposing the majority of your

dragon cleavage tattoo. This should send the message that you are fun person who would make a responsible employee. 5. Wear lots of perfume or body spray. Smelling vaguely like a flower detracts people from realizing your extreme deficiencies. 6. If the employer doesnt seem into you, try the three Bs: bullsh*t, blackmail and beg.

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

september 23, 2011

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HIGH OCTANE RELOCATION CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 For readers unfamiliar with the concept of portal technology, the stadium would be built in two separate pieces across campus. By lining the insides of each half with portals to the other, the stadium would bend time and space to allow players to move instantly from one half of campus to the other. Pitts physics department is partnering with an outside, undisclosed corporation to develop the suitable technology. The geography of Pitts campus wasnt suitable at all for stadium construction, a real lemon if you will, said the companys president, Cave Johnson. But I say that when life gives you lemons, you make a football stadium anyway and tell life to suck on those lemons. The technological development could push stadium unveiling into 2013. Were only now getting the hang of the technology. What we need are some volunteer test subjects, said company spokesperson Gladys Torte, Test subjects will be compensated, so we encourage all young and athletic college students to apply. For science, if nothing else. The project should move along at varying speeds and will cost the University absolutely nothing. Tuition hikes are to be expected.

Alternative Drinking Games

You Drink, I Drink Find Your Wallet Hide and Go Drink Liquor Pong Bottle with a Buddy 40 ounces in 4 seconds Truth or drink Race to Vomit Simon Says Shotgun Drunk Dial Roulette Blackout Bingo Green Light, Drink Light

MINDY FILANDILOCKUS staff writer One of the great plagues to modern drinking is the drinking game. Contemporary drinking games such as Flipcup, Edward Fortyhands, and Beer Pong have an uneven slight toward the game element as opposed to the drinking element. For this reason, it becomes necessary for the modern drinker to transcend ordinary alcohol sport. Here are a few revolutionary and practical alternatives.

the pittiful news

september 23, 2011

Anscombe Hosts Discussion on Sex with Religious Panel

JOSH WON staff writer Last Thursday, many Pitt students were able to enjoy a special treat: the student-run Anscombe Society Advocating Celibacy (whose members are often just mistaken for avid anime fans), hosted a panel of religious experts at the WPU in order to discuss Sex, Love, and Relationships. The religious leaders, rather diversely, came from Roman Catholic, Mormon, Anglican, Jewish, and Muslim bodies of faith, and not surprisingly, most everyone asked had positive comments to offer afterwards. According to sophomore Jon Lee, The priest had a lot of good things to say; Im so glad he was able to make parole. Me too, Jon, me too; his probation officer was very accommodating when told the panel was hosted by college students. Marylyn Saks, however, was more impressed with how the Anglican pastor settled what could have exploded into a volatile confrontation,

the controversy being where the Rabbi had his elbow on the table. They were really angry, with the Rabbi insisting that his elbow was well within his sacred area and Sheikh Muhammad Hussein claiming that the Rabbi was invading his holy space, but it was quite appropriate how Pastor Sam forcefully cut in between them and stopped the fighting. How appropriate indeed. Some students, however, thought Pastor Sam just wanted to be closer to the plate of cookies on the table (this is a political joke, I swear; reread it if you dont believe me). And of course, Mormon Brother Joseph offered much in response to the question of having multiple sex partners: Who said anything about that? I just said you shouldnt have sex with people youre not married to. Wow. What a loophole.

The priest had a lot of good things to say; Im so glad he was able to make parole.
Overall, despite the several different faiths, the consensus between all of them seemed to be that

premarital sex is bad. It makes perfect sense, to me, said senior Rick Yarvis, why would I want to waste my Friday night - let alone my virginity - on a drunken sorority girl whose father never paid attention to her when I can forge meaningful relationships with friends? In fact, after this meeting a few of us are going to head down to Marylyns place and play some Yu Gi Oh! if youre up to it. Hell yes, I am. And Im also up for Anscombes next scorching panel, which will be a fierce debate on which was the best anime episode of Neon Genisis Evangelion. Number 17, in case youre wondering.

JOIN THE CLUB meetings tuesday 8:30pm willam pitt union room 510
CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Jake Swanson Emily Croushore Josh Won Mindy Filandilockus Alex Semidei Editor-In-Chief Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Contributor