Sex, Dating, Boundaries & The Bible

Questions answered in this paper:

1. What does the Bible say about sex before marriage?
2. How far is too far?
3. Living Together?
4. Date non-Christians?
5. What if he/she doesn’t agree with my boundaries?
6. He/she thinks my “Biblical boundaries” is only my opinion.
7. We’re in love, why do we need boundaries?
8. He/she seems interested in church, a little.
9. Doesn’t living together first just make sense?
10. Common reasons couples rationalize living together.
11. We’re already sexually active…what now?
12. We’re engaged, does any of this apply?
13. Specific Guidelines for Biblical dating?

1. Question: "What does the Bible say about sex before marriage
/ premarital sex?"

Answer: Along with all other kinds of sexual immorality, sex before marriage /
premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29;
1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19;
Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible
promotes abstinence before marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as
adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having
sex with someone you are not married to. Sex between a husband and his wife is
the only form of sexual relations that God approves of (Hebrews 13:4).

Sex before marriage has become so common for many reasons. Far too
often we focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognizing the “re-
creation” aspect. Yes, sex is pleasurable. God designed it that way. He wants
men and women to enjoy sexual activity (within the confines of marriage).
However, the primary purpose of sex is not pleasure, but rather reproduction.
God does not outlaw sex before marriage to rob us of pleasure, but to protect us
from unwanted pregnancies and children born to parents who do not want them
or are not prepared for them. Imagine how much better our world would be if
God’s pattern for sex was followed: fewer sexually transmitted diseases, fewer
un-wed mothers, fewer unwanted pregnancies, fewer abortions, etc. Abstinence
is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves
lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and most
importantly honors God.
Recommended Resources : Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell.
Men - Every Young Man's Battle : Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation by Stephen Arterburn.
Women - Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World by Shannon
Ethridge.
2. Question: "What is an appropriate level of intimacy before
marriage?"

Answer: Ephesians 5:3 tells us, "But among you there must not be even a hint of
sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity...because these are improper for
God's holy people." Anything that even "hints" of sexual immorality is
inappropriate for a Christian. The Bible does not give us a "list" of what qualifies
as a "hint" or tell us specifically what are approved physical activities that a
couple can do before they are married. However, just because the Bible does not
specifically address the issue - that does not mean God approves of "pre-sexual"
activity before marriage. In essence, "foreplay" is designed to get you "ready" for
sex. Logically, then, "foreplay" should be restricted to married couples. Anything
that can be considered "foreplay" should be avoided until marriage. (There is no
need to go into specifics here.)

Any and all sexual activity should be restricted to married couples. What
can a pre-married couple do? A pre-married couple should avoid any activity that
tempts them toward sex, that gives the appearance of immorality, or that could
be considered "foreplay." I, personally, would strongly advise a coup le to not go
beyond holding hands, hugging, and light kissing before marriage. The more a
married couple has to share exclusively between themselves, the more special
and unique the sexual relationship in a marriage becomes.
Recommended Resource: Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell.

Bottom line: If clothes are off, you’ve gone too far—no questions asked.
The grey areas seem to be touching a nd kissing. Here’s how to answer that
question:
• Is your level of physical intimacy hindering your desire &/or ability to pray
or keeping you away from other believers?
• Does your level of physical intimacy make you feel guilty? (If yes, really
assess why—is this true conviction or condemnation?)
• Are you continuing in physical intimacy out of obligation—to make sure
you don’t lose the person? (if yes—then big red flag!)

3. Question: "Is it wrong for a couple to "cohabitate" or live

together before they are married?"

Answer: The answer to this question depends somewhat on what is meant by

“living together.” If it means having sexual relations – it is definitely sinful.
Premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture along with all other forms of
sexual immorality (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2;
10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1
Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes complete abstinence outside of
(and before) marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and
other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with
someone you are not married to.

If "living together" means living in the same house, that is perhaps

somewhat of a different issue. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong for a man and a
woman to live in the same house – IF there is nothing immoral taking
place. However, the problem arises in that there is still the appearance of
immorality (1 Thessalonians 5:22; Ephesians 5:3) and it will be a tremendous
temptation for immorality. The Bible tells us to flee immorality, not expose
ourselves to constant temptations to immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). Then there
is the problem of appearances. A couple that is living together is assumed to be
sleeping together – that is just the nature of things. Even though living in the
same house is not sinful in and of itself, the appearance of sin is being given.
The Bible tells us to avoid the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22;
Ephesians 5:3), to flee from immorality, and not to cause anyone to stumble or
be offended. As a result, it is not honoring to God for a couple to live together
before marriage.
Recommended Resource: Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell.

4. Question: "Is it right for a Christian to date or marry a non-

Christian?"

Answer: 2 Corinthians 6:14 declares, “Do not be yoked together with

unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or
what fellowship can light have with darkness?” While this passage does not
specifically mention marriage, it most definitely has implications for marriage. The
passage goes on to say, “What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?
What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is
there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living
God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be
their God, and they will be my people." Therefore come out from them and be
separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you” (2
Corinthians 6:15-17).

The Bible goes on to say, “Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good
character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Having any kind of intimate relationship with an
unbeliever can quickly and easily turn into something that is a hindrance to your
walk with Christ. We are called to evangelize the lost, not be intimate with them.
There is nothing wrong with building quality friendships with unbelievers – but
that is as far as it should go. If you were dating an unbeliever, what would
honestly be your priority, romancing them or winning their soul for Christ? If you
were married to an unbeliever, how would the two of you cultivate a spiritual
intimacy in your marriage? How could a quality marriage be built if you disagree
on the most crucial issue in the universe - the Lord Jesus Christ?
Recommended Resource: The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams .
5. What if the person you’re dating doesn’t agree about your
position on setting physical boundaries? How do you deny
your partner of sex without making him or her feel you’re
rejecting them?
• If he or she likes you and respects you, they show that by respecting your
boundaries.
• If he or she sulks or pouts, that individual is immature.
• If he or she badgers you, that individual is abusive.
• If he or she doesn’t call you again (after saying “no”) the individual was a
POOR marital risk.

Remember—if they can’t set physical boundaries now—and demonstrate self

control now—why do you think they will suddenly demonstrate self control toward
other women or men when you’re married?

6. What if the person you’re dating is a Christian and doesn’t

agree with you biblically—like your “biblical position” is simply
your opinion?

Share Scripture on the subject from books and tapes that we offer through our
ministry (“We’re Just Friends & Other Dating Lies” by Pastor Chuck Millian can
be purchased by contacting Kathy Meadows at kmeadows@crossroads.org).

If he or she still doesn’t believe that sexual intimacy is only “good” in the context
of a covenant before God, then this person is NOT the kind of individual you want
to marry. It is obvious that the two of you have two competing value
systems...this one instance of sexual purity is indicative of a value system that is
different from your own. Alignment of core values are essential in any healthy,
long lasting relationship.

7. Why are physical boundaries so important in a relationship

where the two of you are in love?
Here’s why couples are typically attracted to one another:
• Physical appearance/ Intimacy
• Attitude/ Personality
• Status

Here’s why couples stay together:

• Similar Core Values (Morals)
• Love & commitment expressed through behavior & attitude that
 demonstrates honor & respect for one another
• Ability to Resolve Conflict Agreeably
• Ability to communicate in a way your partner respects and understands

Usually the struggle in a dating relationship is to focus on the first paragraph

above. However, in a marriage, the paragraph below, becomes the primary
focus.

A dating relationship should focus on what really develops the relationship in a

healthy way—getting to know one another in multiple settings, in various
environments among friends. Setting physical boundaries ensures the focus
stays in the right place.

Besides all of the reasoning described above...Scripture makes it clear from the
perspective of creation & covenant that sexual intimacy is only to be enjoyed
between a man & woman who are committed to one another before God for life.

8. What if the person I’m dating is not a Christian, but seems to

be interested in church? Couldn’t God use me to bring him or
her to Christ?
Scripture makes it clear that we are not to be romantically involved with someone
who is not a believer. (2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with
unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or
what fellowship can light have with darkness?)

“Missionary dating” is unfair to you and your partner. We should never enter any
relationship where we set out to “change” or “fix” that person. This is unhealthy
and usually ends in failure and disappointment.

9. Isn’t it better to live together until you are sure that you are compatible?
Nope! Here’s why:
Statistically, you won’t make it:
A. Percentage of Americans who have cohabited at one time or another: 50%
B. Percentage of cohabiting couples who go on to marry: 50-60%
C. Percentage of cohabiting relationships involving children: 40%
D. Percentage of unions that survive two years:
Cohabiting unions not leading to marriage: 33%
Marital unions: 95%
E. Percentage of unions that survive ten years:
Cohabiting unions not leading to marriage: 12%
Marital unions: 90%
F. Likelihood of divorce within first ten years of marriage:
Those who cohabit prior to marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce
 as opposed to those who do not cohabit prior to marriage.

Other Reasons Why “Living Together” is a Bad Idea:

• You can destroy the relationship by expecting too much from it while it’s
still developing. (commitment, maturity, emotional stability)
• You can become emotionally lazy—for example, keeping conflict to “to
keep the peace” & never confront real issues.
• You can avoid furthering your commitment to one another.

10. What are common rationalizations for living together?

• We can save money by paying only one rent (which can help us save
money to get married)
• We can spend more time together & less on commuting
• I can “keep an eye” on my partner—I might lose him or her.

If you have said/thought these in your relationship, you need to consider: If

you can “rationalize” your actions based on convenience, what is to prevent
either of you from “rationalizing” future moral/ethical decisions?

11. What if I’ve already been sexually involved with someone I’m
dating?
• Stop!
• Pray and ask God for forgiveness and the power to overcome sexual
temptation
• Go to your partner & make it clear that you desire to live in purity before
God and each other until you can get married.
• Find an accountability partner who can pray with you and walk with you in
your struggle for purity.

12.We’re engaged, does any of this apply?

Absolutely and especially.
Crossroads Fellowship strongly encourages couples who are engaged to set
an example of sexual purity and boundaries in their relationship. Sexual
intercourse, according to the Bible, is the act that “solidifies” the marriage
covenant of commitment (wedding ceremony). It ONLY makes sense for this
to happen AFTER your wedding vows have been exchanged before God and
assembled witnesses.

13.Any suggestions for specific guidelines for Biblical

dating?
“We’re Just Friends & Other Dating Lies” by Pastor Chuck Milian can be
purchased by contacting Kathy Meadows at kmeadows@crossroads.org
SUMMARY OF CROSSROAD’S POSITION:
• God has created us male and female for the p urpose of reflecting His
image—His creative and loving nature.
• God has established a covenant relationship as the only context that
sexual intimacy between a man & woman can be expressed as He
intended, with His blessing.
• Sexual intercourse is a physical e xpression of the inward covenant two
people have made to one another before God—”the two shall become one
flesh.”
• Any sexual activity outside of such a covenant is outside of God’s design
and intention and is considered to be sin. Sexual “foreplay” is only leading
to sexual intercourse—careful boundaries should be set.
• God intends for us to remain sexually pure for the purpose of proclaiming
who He is to our world. (In marriage, faithful to our spouse—as single,
faithful to Jesus Christ—celibate)
• Temptation is an allure away from God’s purpose and plan for our lives.
As we give into to temptation, sin increases its hold on our lives, leaving
us in bondage, broken, and shame-ridden.
• Temptation can be fought through a careful discipline of the mind with the
power of the Holy Spirit.