The Friday Aggravate 24th November 2006

Want a lolly?

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him
and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver?
"I said no way, replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY dollars eh?" quizzed the driver, still
rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the friggin’ car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies", the
driver offered.
"NO! screamed the boy now
throwing a temper tantrum.
"What will it take to get you in
the car?" Asked the driver with a
long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad,

you bought the bloody Volvo,
you live with it."

A word of warning. To those of you who intend to patronise Irish

medicos.
Noted at one such surgery owned By Dr Paddy O’Grady, in County
Donegal, the waiting room displayed the following glossary of terms on
the wall.

THE IRISH GUIDE TO MEDICAL TERMS AND THEIR MEANINGS.

Artery.........................The study of painting

Bacteria......................The back door to the cafeteria
Barium.......................What the undertaker does after the doctor fails.
Bowel........................A letter like A, E, I, O or U.
Caesarean Section......A district of Rome
Cauterise..................Made eye contact with her
Colic.........................A sheep dog
Coma........................Punctuation mark
Congenital.................Friendly
D & C........................Where Washington is
Dilate.........................To live longer
Enema........................Not a friend
Genital.......................Not Jewish
Gout...........................Short for " Go out "
Hangnail......................Coat hook
High Colonic.................Jewish religious holiday
Impotent.....................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A doctors cane
Morbid........................A higher offer
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Morphine....................A slow working dope
Nitrate........................Cheaper than day rate
Node.........................Quite well aware of
Outpatient....................Person who fainted
Pap Smear.................Fatherhood test
Pelvis.........................Cousin of Elvis
Post Operative..............Letter Carrier
Prostrate......................Flat on your back
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damned near killed him
Rheumatic....................Amorous
Secretion........................Hiding something
Seizure.........................Roman Emperor
Sore...............................Watched it happen WHEW!
Tablet............................A small table
Terminal illness...............Getting sick at the airport
Tibia.............................Country in North Africa
Tumour...........................More than one more
Urine.............................Opposite to "Your Out "
Varicose.......................Nearby
Vein...............................Conceited

And you thought they didn’t have a sense of humour. And while we are at
the Doctor’s surgery, and Christmas is only a few weeks away, read this
little gem from Bertam Athorv.

HEALTH QUESTIONS & ANSWERS SESSION.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise

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program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable

oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any

misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in
one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

Now seeing as how Christmas is almost upon us and our close

neighbours from across the Tasman Sea are getting ready to try their
hand at Cricket It is only fitting that we should think of them with all the
goodwill we can muster. You know “Love Thy Neighbour”, and all that
crap.

So to get off on the right foot Take a close look at the following image
and read aloud for the best effect.

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says
the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!

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Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
"youth challenged" than others!!!!

Notice the size of this print?

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world. As for me, fifty two have received
this as part of this weeks “Aggravate” the rest is up to you.

”Old Grumble Bum” sent this one in.

Great Weekend: An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was
looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed
it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring
over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Moral: Don't mess with Old People

What a great time of the year for a tale like this one. (Grumble Bum again.)
While shepherds watch their flocks by day. (Apologies to the Christmas
carol.)
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture near Sydney Australia,
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The
driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many
sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his
AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds
to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel

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spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He
watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;
to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
Now give me back my f------g dog.”

New Stud Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will
race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a
chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes
off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young
rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and
gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in
his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and –
BOOM! - he blows the young rooster to bits. The
farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ... ..............................>

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS (Fish, Fowl,
Beast or Man.) - age, skill, and treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't

change a word! I'm not messing around with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love
they produce amounts of the hormone estrogens, which makes hair shine and
skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin
rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your
skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
dinner.
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4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up
just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps,
and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the
bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of
well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active
body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle
sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE
THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to
wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A love making session can release the
tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
11. To top it all of it is the perfect example of making any hormone.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours.
Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. In my case absolutely
nuthin’, so I’m off for a transplant. You see if you don’t use it, you lose it.
Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are
not superstitious, and I’m not.

Ha ha! He he! Ho ho!…………………… Dr.

Demento!!!!!! Here we come.

============

Never heard of Dr Demento? What about the

song “They’re coming to take me away.” ? A
MP3 version is available from your scribe if you
want it, but a word of warning. You need a
warped sense of humour, or otherwise be a
candidate for the funny farm.

Here is his biography. From Wikipedia, the

free encyclopedia

Dr. Demento (born April 2, 1941 in Minneapolis, Minnesota) is the stage name of
Barret Eugene Hansen, who has made a successful career as a radio disc jockey
specializing in novelty songs and pop music parodies. He created the persona in 1970
while working at Los Angeles station KPPC-FM [1]. Legend has it, after Hansen
played "Transfusion" by Nervous Norvus on the radio, someone said that he had to be
demented to play that. Thereafter, the name stuck. His weekly show went into
syndication in 1974 and is still on the air as of 2006. He has also released many
compilations of music featured on his show on vinyl records, audio tape cassettes, and
compact discs

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To some people, he is best known as the man who brought rock parodist "Weird Al"
Yankovic to national attention, as well as Elmo and Patsy's 1979 Christmas song
"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer".

Hansen was born the son of an amateur pianist and claims to have started his vast
record collection as early as age 12, when he found "that a local thrift store had
thousands of old 78 RPM records for sale at 5 cents each". He attended Reed College,
where he wrote his senior thesis on Wagnerian opera, graduating in 1963, and later
studied at UCLA, from which he earned a master's degree in folklore and
ethnomusicology.

Hansen has developed a particular interest in the roots of rock 'n' roll in R&B and
country music, and he has written about it in many magazine articles, liner notes to
compilations and new recordings by a variety of artists, and two chapters on early
R&B for The Rolling Stone Illustrated History of Rock & Roll. His shows and public
appearances display an encyclopedic knowledge of the history of recorded music in
general, from the earliest Edison cylinder recordings onward.

Dr. Demento was inducted into the Comedy Music Hall Of Fame in June of 2005

See you can get more than jokes in the Aggravate.

Earthquake Hits Gagebrook [Boy this one is serious]

Associated press 20th Novemner 2006: Earthquake Rocks Gagebrook.

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale, has hit Australia at
10:18am yesterday morning, with the epicentre believed to be the Hobart
[Tasmania]outer suburb of Gagebrook. Victims were seen wandering around
aimlessly muttering, "F'kin ell" and "whadda carnt".

The earthquake has completely decimated the area and damaged hundreds of
homes, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed $300, which could go as high as
$350.

Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation

Society and the Gagebrook Community Hall, were destroyed in the quake. In
addition, three areas containing historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many
locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

Hobart radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,
still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in the area. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother
of 6 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into
my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer in the
morning."

The people of Gagebrook are a resilient community and evidence of a full

recovery can already be seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying on
as normal.

The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so far
managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals.
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Rescue workers are still searching through rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, AC/DC T-Shirts,
Priceline Jewellery, prams and fine bone china from Copperart. The Red Cross
seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air dropped as parcels for those
unfortunately caught up in this disaster. Donations of clothing are also in demand.
Items most needed include baseball caps, Kappa tracksuits with hoods (his and
hers), flannelette shirts, white sport socks, XXXXL mumble shorts (female),
sturdy steel capped boots, and any other items usually sold in a K-Mart.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required
foodstuffs include, Hot Dogs, Yiros, McDonalds, KFC, Ice Cream, and cans of
Woodstock Bourbon and Coke and Cascade Draught. Please don't send bread,
milk, tinned food, meat, fish, chicken, fruit or vegetables or any other healthy
food, because such food is alien to the local dietary requirements and will not be
consumed.

Donations of Home brand nappies, loose fitting t-shirts, which allow easy breast
feeding, and cartons of Winfield cigarettes would be greatly appreciated. Charities
are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet. $0.25 buys a
ball point pen for filling in compensation forms, $5.00 buys chips and Coca Cola
for a family of nine, $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter
to calm the nerves of those affected. Aid Agencies have requested that no tents
be sent into the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the
population of the neighbouring areas.

One resident was asked how he and his family were getting on. His reply was
“Well fare.”

Think about it.

An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for
the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few maybe a half
dozen, I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose, that won't get you through
intimacy"
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about
intimacy much, anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on
my new golf shoes."

THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well
fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well
fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the
ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him
are cold and starving. The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of
the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm
home with a table filled with food.

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Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Democrats, the Greens and the
Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The ABC,
interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with
breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten rich off
the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to
make him pay his "fair share." In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts
the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to
the beginning of the summer. It is quickly passed through the Senate.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass
hoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly
imposed retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant
moves to Asia, and starts a successful agri-biz company.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government owned house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him
because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim
Beasley now is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost
$10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney
Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by

the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly
terrorise the community.

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her
a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are
you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your
bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't
be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to
send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was
devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be
sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the
ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up
inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you
enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this
strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the
rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from
under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got
the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid
his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!
10
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "BRIAN,
WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD, YOU'VE SHIT THE BED!!"

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all
ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor
looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's
got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back
on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Well boys and girls that’s it for another week as we progress to the
beginning of the summer season and wait for the next 24 days to pass to
Christmas Day.

2006 has all but flown out the window. Once upon a time a year seemed
to take an age to pass, now it only seems like a few weeks. Ah well, let’s
look forward to a new year and all it brings with it. Good, bad, or
indifferent.

Bye for now.

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