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Worksheet 12.1

Managing relationships
A student: 4.2 identifies and selects strategies that enhance their ability to cope and feel supported 4.3 describes the qualities of positive relationships and strategies to address the abuse of power.

Friends and peers

As we move through high school, friendships with people of our own age (our peers) are increasingly important. So much time is spent with peers that getting along with most of them is desirable. As we mature, getting along with people we work and live with will have great importance to our happiness. With people we like, creating friendships and positive working relationships is mostly easy. We laugh together, make allowances for each other, and work out arguments quickly. But generally, it is the people we do not particularly like that we have to try hardest with. If we could see into the future, we would find that we will meet many people we wont like but with whom we will have to deal fairly. Getting on with other people in a positive way is the nature of a healthy community. Over time, friendships change. Being able to change in friendships is one of the great challenges of life.

My bully, my best friend

It was my Grade 6 experience that set me up so well for Year 7. I went to a new school in G6. At my old school I was happy and settled and had lots of friends. When I came to the new school, everyone was in old friendship groups and not interested in making a new friend; they were not unfriendly and spoke to me in class but never made an effort to include me outside class. I loved sport and was a strong team player but, when it came to being picked for the teams,

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I would always be picked lastI came to expect that and resolved that if they didnt want me in their lives then I didnt want them. There was one girl that was part of the cool group who decided that it would amuse her to bully me; she thought that I was fair game. It hurt a lot. I learnt to keep myself company and hung out a lot in the library readingI was waiting for the year to finish and to start secondary school when everyone had to work at making friends again. I learnt to feel comfortable with my own company; I learnt to find interesting things to do. When I started Y7, I was already comfortable being alone so I wasnt scared to approach other kids to make friendsthe worst that could happen was that I would be rejected again and I had a lot of experience with that. What happened though was that people liked being approached in a friendly way. I made a group of good friends aw 1201 and really started to love school. Later in the year the girl who bullied me in grade 6, who had

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been really miserable at the girls school she had started in Y7, started at my coeducational school. I was walking down the corridor and saw her looking lost and sad. I came up to her and said Hi, Im Jenny, we went to school in G6 together, do you remember me? The guilty look she gave me confirmed that she remembered me and remembered how she had treated me so badly. I said You look lost; can I walk you to your class? She accepted gratefully and after that she clung to me. As I got to know her I saw that we had a lot in common. I was okay with myself so I didnt need to punish herwe became best friends and that finished off a great Year 7 experience. To her readers, Jenny would recommend: Dont give up! So what if some people dont like you? If you keep trying it your way, eventually youll find the friends worth having!
Jenny, 18 years from Give it a go girl by Sarah Calleja <www.actionpsychology.com>

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What did Jenny experience in year 6? What does Jenny mean when she says I learnt to feel comfortable with my own company? What is surprising about Jennys attitude to the girl who bullied her? What is powerful about Jennys way of relating to her former bully? How differently would boys handle the situation described by Jenny?
My family

Positive influences
Our families and peers can have great influence over our development as we move towards independence. The important thing about being influenced by peers and family is that you become aware of these influences and ask yourself two important questions. Where are my choices leading? What do I really want for my life? Figure 12.1 Influences on our development

y dreams

My peers

Me

My heroes

My friends

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Asking these questions makes you do some sifting (choosing and sorting) in regard to what influences you choose to help you make choices. The sifting process, or choosing your own path by your own values, is what independence is all about. It means you still have friends to rely on and be supported by, but you are basically your own person.

Guru Joshs top 3 influential people

1 My old man, Guru Phil Guru Phil was a school teacher. He taught maths and was real keen on it. Unfortunately, I could not grasp the simple workings of an equilateral triangle. Phil, though, never gave up on me. He got me to 49.5% in Year 10 maths and they bumped it up to a pass. I never give up on anyone now, even if they seem to be a total loser. 2 My old lady, Guru Gwen Guru Gwen was a hairdresser. She cut my hair for free and gave me my first mohawk for Mufti Day in Year 8. She was pretty radical for someone married to Guru Phil. I learnt I could afford to take some enjoyable risks from Gwen without doing anything stupid. 3 My hero, Peter Garrett Peter Garrett, the great man, was lead singer of Midnight Oil. He spoke out about any issue he believed in and backed it up with some of the most inspiring songs. I learnt to be myself and say what I believed in from Mr Garrett.

Understand and apply

1 How does Guru Josh learn something useful from all of his Top 3 influences? 2 List your Top 3 influences when it comes to choosing friends. 3 Explain how influences change as you grow from a baby into an adult. 4 Write a short drama entitled Influences and perform it in class.

Keys to positive relationships

Relationships are ideally about living at peace in a community of people. Even hermits (people who live outside society) can end up muttering to themselves or perhaps, like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway, to some kind of object (in his case, Wilson, a soccer ball). You might draw the conclusion that it is almost impossible for people to live happily without some kind of relationship.

Worksheet 12.2

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Positive relationships have two key qualities. They are always: caring, or characterised by concern for the other persons wellbeing respectful, or characterised by a belief in the other persons dignity and worth. Relationships that lack either of these two qualities are less than positive, and at worst negative or abusive. Positive relationships carry a multitude of good outcomes and benefits. These include: a sense of security in the other persons company a sense of wellbeing in the other persons company being able to share important or intimate concerns with the other person without fear of rejection or humiliation being able to have fun with the other person being able to trust the other person. Negative relationships do not carry these kinds of benefits and outcomes. The absence of these things is a reliable sign that you are in a negative relationship. Managing or getting out of a negative relationship is covered in chapter 4.

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Rights and responsibilities

There are rights and responsibilities for each of us as we relate to each other. Rights are what we can expect from others. They include being respected: emotionally and mentally socially spiritually and culturally physically. Being respected emotionally and mentally means not experiencing put downs and hurtful jokes or verbal attacks. It means not being pestered, nagged or bullied. Being respected socially means being included in activities and events, in and out of school. Being respected spiritually and culturally means not experiencing attacks related to our religion or beliefs, or being left out of activities and groups because of them. Being respected physically means not experiencing any form of assault or physical intimidation. Responsibilities in relationships are the flip side of rights. They are summed up in a simple proverb: Do to others as you would have them do to you.
1 2 3 4 How do we know if our relationships are positive? How do negative relationships make people feel? How can positive relationships help peoples general health and wellbeing? Why are responsibilities as important as rights in relationships?

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Listening and accepting

Successfully listening and accepting other peoples opinions is one of the great tests of school, work and life. The skill of listening to other people puts us at a great advantage in relationships of all kinds. When we are listened to, we feel worthwhile and respected. When we are not listened to, we feel dishonoured, humiliated or rejected.

Worksheet 12.3

Guru Joshs tips for listening

1 Make eye contact regularly. 2 Imagine you are the other person. How would you feel in their situation? 3 Breathe deeply and slowly. 4 Nod and give feedback to show you understand what is being said. 5 Ask questions to help the other person express themselves, e.g. Was that difficult? How did you feel about that?

Accepting other peoples points of view does not mean you have to agree with them. Accepting other peoples opinions is basically saying I understand what you are saying and accept your right to say it. Sometimes this is difficult because we disagree with what is being said. However, while we can win an argument, a positive relationship is seldom won in this way. A positive relationship is generally won with respect, even if it means we bite our tongues when we really want to tell someone off! This can be extremely challenging, but extremely worthwhile. There is a proverb worth remembering when it comes to listening: A gentle answer turns away anger while a harsh answer stirs it up. Listening is all about taking a gentle position and agreeing to disagree if it means a positive relationship is maintained. This does not mean you do not express your own points of view, but it does mean that the other person will be more likely to respect your ideas if you do the same for them.

Guru Joshs tips for accepting others opinions

1 If you absolutely detest the other persons opinion, its possible to say I disagree calmly. It just takes a lot of inner strength. You could blurt out your disagreement and start an argument, but that might kill the relationship in the long term. 2 Guru Phil always said, Treat others as youd like them to treat you. This is a key to accepting people and creating positive relationships.

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Understand and apply
1 Have a two-minute conversation with a partner about whats hot and whats not. After two minutes, write down what you remember from listening to the other person. How well did you listen? Was it hard or easy? 2 Form two groups to debate the subject the best sport of all time. When someone interrupts, the other team gets a point.

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Give and take

Positive relationships are all about giving and receiving. If you are entirely focused on yourself, this will be almost impossible. But if you are able to empathise with the other person (or imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes), you will see the need to give them the same things you expect to receive. Giving and taking can be summed up in one word: sharing. It can involve sharing: food and snacks use of equipment and space tasks and duties at school and at home the limelight! Expressing needs is a vital part of giving and taking. If the other person is not aware of a need, they cannot act on it or provide any means of meeting it. Expressing needs can be as simple as saying I need a hug or as complex as putting on a bad mood over the course of a week until the other person notices. Quite clearly, being open and saying what you feel is far more positive for a relationship than sulking around or acting out some weird emotional drama. Figure 12.2 Positive relationships are about give and take.

02

What I give
respect listening time

What I take
respect listening time

Worksheet 12.4

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Why is expressing your feelings and your needs so challenging? How can we make it easier for each other to express our needs? Why can giving be as enjoyable as receiving? Why is receiving love important for a human being?

Providing and accepting support

Support is caring for other peoples physical, mental, emotional, social or spiritual needs. It can occur in any kind of relationship and is all about being there for other people when they need you, listening to their concerns and assisting them to be effective and successful in life. Providing support may mean helping someone: get first aid access food, water or shelter get over a difficult experience like the loss of a close friend or relative find the right career or job build their self-confidence and self-esteem. Accepting support can be equally as challenging as providing it. Accepting support means that the following has taken place: you accept you have a problem and verbally express the need for support you respect the person offering support you have hope for a positive outcome. All of us will find we have to swallow our pride when it comes to accepting support when we need it. This can be very hard, especially if a person: is ashamed of the problem that created the need for support believes deeply that they must fend for themselves. Negotiating respect and support for people begins and ends with listening, accepting and creating a positive relationship. When young people find themselves in a state of difficulty surrounded by shame, it is very important they can trust a person who offers support. At the same time, it is important that more experienced and qualified people are involved in critical situations so that the person experiencing difficulty can be assisted in the best possible way. While keeping secrets can make the relationship positive, some secrets are harmful to the person needing support and must be shared with appropriate people like parents, PDHPE teachers and doctors. Expressing needs is vital to healthy relating.

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Understand and apply
1 Write dialogues of the following situations so that each person involved expresses their needs. In pairs, read one anothers dialogues and make a list of things to avoid/try when expressing needs. a A parent wants their 13-year-old to come to a family dinner while the 13-year-old knows they must study for an exam. b A teacher is doubtful of a students readiness for the senior soccer team while the student feels they can do it. 2 Role-play the following scenarios and act out the resolution so that a positive relationship is preserved. a A boyfriend and girlfriend have an argument over who spends the most money on their dates. b Two siblings want to use the family car on Saturday night. c A wife is concerned her husband does not spend enough time with her. The husband feels he never has time to go fishing. d A girlfriend and boyfriend have a conversation about what they want to do over the weekend. The girlfriend really wants to spend time talking about a problem she has at school. However, she is embarrassed to express this as a need.

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Appreciating diversity in relationships

Positive relationships come in many shapes and sizes. They are neither right nor wrong unless someone perfect can judge them. As most of us are imperfect, it is best to not be judging others. In the 21st century, same-sex relationships are recognised by most governments and societies. However, there are segments of our society that vocally oppose such relationships, thus encouraging negative stereotyping of homosexual men and lesbians. Whatever our opinions are about sexuality, to live in a caring and respectful society we must be caring and respectful ourselves, no matter who we relate to.

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What is Australian societys attitude to same-sex relationships? How can our opinions about same-sex relationships be hurtful to others? How do same-sex couples have children? Can same-sex couples raise children as effectively as heterosexual couples?

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Interpersonal communication
Interpersonal communication is what happens when people relate to each other. This can mean, depending on who you are relating to: spoken messages body messages (or body language) written messages. Figure 12.3 People are always relating even if they are not speaking.

Show pony....

When people get together, even if they are not speaking, they are always relating. For example, if you are alone in a lift and a stranger enters the lift, you will do something to signal your reaction to their entry. You may smile, or say hello, or fold your arms, or stare at the ceiling, or move to the side. All these things send a message about you to the other person. You may be open, friendly or shy, or simply uninterested. But you will always show some sort of response. That is why we are called human beings. We find it impossible not to react in some way when we enter each others presence.

Changing modes of communication

The growth of technology has created new modes of communication. These include: mobile phones the internet email.

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Taken together, these new modes of communication have created an enormous industry. They have also made communication more instant. Access to other people is now 24 hours a day.
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Discuss the differences between 18th-century Australia and Australia today. How did past modes of communication limit relationships? How did these modes of communication make a positive contribution to relationships? Have mobile phones improved our ability to relate to people today? How has the internet helped lonely people looking for a relationship? What precautions should be taken when relating to people over the internet?

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What did you really hear?

In communication, there is a message sent and another received. This sounds simple, but the nature of human language and interaction is complex. The result is that the message sent is not always the one received. Little gestures, tones of voice, choice of words and the state of mind of both the sender and the receiver can mean a world of difference in communication. Figure 12.4 The message sent is not always the one received.

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Understand and apply

1 Play a game of Chinese Whispers, in which a message is started and passed through the class. Compare the message sent with the one finally received. 2 Below are some situations where communication is made difficult. Identify the part of the communication process where the problem occurs. Suggest a different solution to each problem. Discuss your ideas with a partner. a You have just been to the dentist and had a tooth removed. Your mouth is still swollen and numb from the anaesthetic and it is difficult to talk. Your friend rings you when you get home and wants you to explain how to do the mathematics homework. b You are in a foreign country where English is not spoken and you cannot speak the language. You find yourself completely lost in a bazaar and cut off from the rest of your group. c You SMS a friend to ask them to meet you after school at 3 pm. At 3.05 pm you receive an SMS to say the friend is waiting for you at your home. What went wrong? d You have received an email from a friend that reads I thought you liked me but now Im not so sure. Are we going to be more than good friends? You have no idea what they are talking about. What will you do?

Overcoming barriers to communication

There are many blocks to good communication. As a listener it is a good idea to remember that pen tapping or other distracting habits can be off-putting for the speaker. A speaker can feel undervalued if the person they are speaking to only wants to talk about themselves instead of actively listening. Jumping to conclusions, cutting the other person off, putting them down or blaming them will not lead to constructive conversation.

Understand and apply

1 In pairs: a Each take a few minutes to prepare a talk on a sport. Make the speech to your partner, but dont mention the name of the sport. Your partner has to guess which sport you are talking about. While your partner is speaking, dont listen or speak. Look around, tap, doodle, hum, look away and face away. Swap over. b Ask your partner which sport you were talking about. Discuss with your partner how you felt about their behaviour when you were giving your speech. 2 In one minute, describe a household object but do not name it. Again your partner has to guess the name of it. Practise listening, but you cannot ask questions. Swap over. Discuss whether the task was easy. Why/ why not? 3 In two minutes, tell your partner about your favourite holiday. When you finish, your partner has to repeat everything that was said without taking notes. Swap over. Discuss how effective you were at this task.

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4 Make a list of 14 items. Read the list to your partner and see how many they can remember without taking notes. Swap over and use a different list. Discuss how well you went. When are you in a situation where you have to try to remember a lot of information? What can help you do this?

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5 In two minutes, tell your partner about your most prized possession. Explain why you like it so much. You may ask questions. Swap over. How did this feel compared to the other tasks? 6 Write a list of strategies to overcome the communication barriers you have explored.

Resolving conflict
Resolving conflict in relationships and friendships relies on good communication. In fact, we might say that the essence of conflict is a breakdown in positive communication. Table 12.1 Common causes of conflict

With friends

Borrowing without asking Arguments over game rules Revealing a secret Students failure to complete homework Students late arrival to class Teacher not believing students excuse Untidy room Curfew rules Choice of clothes

With teachers

With family

Common ways of responding to conflict include: ignoring the problem or refusing to discuss the issues involved aggressive behaviour, such as verbal or physical abuse suppressing our feelings and allowing the other person to decide the outcome sulking and trying to manipulate the other person through guilt negotiating a mutually agreed position through open discussion. You can see from these that not all ways of resolving conflict are effective!

Negotiation and compromise

Negotiation is the process by which an agreement is reached, after discussing conflicting viewpoints. It does not necessarily bring about a winwin situation every time, as this is not always possible. Sometimes one or both parties have to compromise their position in order to resolve the conflict. Ideally, in this situation, the aim is to reach a compromise that allows both people to feel happy, and feel that they were treated with respect.

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In conflict situations it may be useful to allow time for tempers to cool and for each individual to think through their position rationally. Often if some time is allowed to elapse since the actual incident, those concerned may then be able to view the issues from a more realistic perspective than is possible in the heat of the moment. Effective negotiation may involve: understanding the position of the people involved stating the problem objectively looking at the problem from all angles identifying any obstacles to resolving the problem generating a range of solutions reaching an agreement evaluating the result of the agreement.

I statements
When conflict arises, it is important to communicate our feelings clearly. The use of I statements is one method of taking the sting out of honest discussion. This involves starting a sentence with I, rather than You. For example, I feel angry when you tell me what to do. This statement lets the other person know how you feel but does not criticise or attach blame to the other person. It spells out the source of conflict but shows the other person that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is most effective if it is followed by some suggestion of how to resolve the situation.

Understand and apply

1 Describe the qualities you seek in a good friend. What is it that makes a close friendship last? 2 Draw a model of the communication process. Include a list of barriers to effective communication. 3 In pairs, conduct a conversation on any topic while sitting in the following positions: back to back, facing each other very closely, facing each other with eyes closed. Discuss these questions with your partner. a What were the barriers to effective communication? b How important are the non-verbal cues in understanding the message? c How did you feel when your personal space was invaded? 4 Define the term active listening and explain its role in effective communication. 5 In groups, prepare a role-play where someone has to say no assertively in a number of scenarios. Evaluate the effectiveness of the communication. 6 Write down a description of a conflict situation that you have experienced in recent weeks. a How did you resolve it? b Could it have been resolved more effectively? c Explain the role of negotiation in conflict resolution. 7 Create a piece of text dealing with some aspect of conflict resolution. You can try: a a poem b a cartoon c an advertisement for a newspaper.

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Review questions
1 Explain two keys to positive relationships. 2 State why appreciating diversity is important to a healthy community. 3 Explain what approaches can be taken to resolve conflict. 4 Outline two ways to overcome communication barriers. 5 Explain what influences our approaches to relationships.

Assignments
1 Design and write content for a new website for young people. The website must deal with the issues of youth relationships. 2 Write a short story dealing with the theme friends for life. 3 Create and implement a survey examining the reasons why friendships break up. Write a report on your findings.

Wordskills
Match the following words with their definitions. 1 community 2 dependence 3 independence 4 respecting 5 humiliating 6 sulking 7 honouring 8 aggressive 9 assertive 0 support 1 A B C D E F G H I J Being reliant on another person Valuing the worth of another person Being self-reliant A group of people in relationships Paying due respect Help Expressing yourself strongly Manipulating another person with emotions Expressing yourself too forcefully Making another person feel small

ICT express
> Go to <www.cyh.com.au>. Use the information you find there to design a poster to promote conflict resolution. > Go to <www.dryes.com.au>. Use the information you find there to design a one-minute talk on healthy communication in relationships.

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