On The Phenomena of Precipitating Poo

and Poo Dynamics Theory

Anjan Soumyanarayanan∗

Cavendish Laboratory, University of Cambridge

Submitted for publication to Reviews of Modern Physics Parodies in September 2005

1 Introduction 2 Classical Poo Dynamics

The work of early physicists considered poo as

Newton’s theory of gravitation [1] was occa-
a rigid kinematic body. The elementary drag
sioned by a memorable incident - the falling of
equation:
bird poo on his head (the anecdote concerning
the apple is most certainly apocryphal accord- mẍ = mg − B ẋ (1)
ing to most historians). Since then, such exotic
where x is the displacement of the poo particle
dynamic phenomena have puzzled experimen-
and B is the drag coefficient, constituted the
talists and theorists alike. The study of these
first physical analysis of the free fall of poo
phenomena evolved through the phases of clas-
(acted on by a drag force due to air). The rate
sical dynamics [2] and fluid mechanics [3]. The
of poo fall was found to depend on the mass of
advent of radical theories over the past century
poo, the surface area and orientation.
that have completely changed our perception
of nature has forced the physics community Further analysis using the Lagrangian and
to modify the classical Poo Dynamics Theory Hamiltonian operators revealed that the tra-
(PDT) in certain extreme conditions. This ar- jectory of poo was such that the total energy
ticle reviews the historical development of our of poo to be an extremum. Optimisation tech-
understanding of the motion of poo and PDT niques [4] applied on poo fall by introducing
in various situations. various parameters discovered that if the ex-
creting person minimises his effort in the pro-
cess, the speed of the poo is maximised if the
poo is long and thin and has minimal water
∗
Correspondence: us.anjan@cantab.net content (around 10%).

1
 When the rigid poo body moves in water, it cakes (in the Bernoulli Limit of constant en-
obeys Stokes’ Law of drag thalpy). However, fart emissions were not ex-
plained well due to the low viscosity of the
F = 6πηrv (2)
gaseous methane. The diffusion equation (4)
where η is the coefficient of viscosity of wa- and the Theory of Brownian Motion [7] of fart
ter, which increases with increasing amount of gas molecules however proved to be a much
poo in water, and r is the dimensional size of better model for this.
the poo piece. A vertically oriented poo piece
would hence travel much faster than a horizon- 1 ∂v
tal one. The study of nematic liquid crystals ∇2 u = (4)
κ ∂t
[5] draws analogy from these ancient studies of
PDT. The temperature dependent effects are con-
tained in the viscosity term ρ for Equation
(3) and in the thermal conductivity term κ
3 Poo as a Viscous Fluid for Equation (4). These terms increase with
temperature, and hence the mean square speed
shows a corresponding increase.
The study of poo as a fluid began when sci-
entists found that rigid body PDT could not
explain the dynamics of diarrhoea, cow dung
fart emissions. Initially, the studies were lim- 4 Relativistic Poo Dynamics
ited to hydrostatic effects, but the efforts of
many mathematical physicists [6], culminating The Special Theory of Relativity forced us to
in the famous Navier-Stokes equation (3), aug- abandon the notion of an absolute frame of ref-
mented poo research. erence, and hence most problems in PDT were
∂v treated in the rest frame of the toilet. Circum-
+ ρv · ∇v = −∇P + η∇2 v + Fext (3)
∂t stances did arise where poo traveled at rela-
tivistic speeds (close to the speed of light), and
Extreme forms of poo were subsequently hence the theory had to be modified to account
modeled as a highly viscous fluid (η À 1) and for this. These situations could include shit-
the dynamics were studied applying suitable ting in an aeroplane or space shuttle, a man
boundary conditions to the problem. The shitting in his pants while running away from a
model of a viscous jet from a small source lion, or the emission from a highly constipated
was found to explain the dynamics of diar- person upon administration of a laxative.
rhoea and cow dung extremely satisfactorily,
including the natural formation of round dung It was instructive in these cases to consider

2
the motion in the rest frame of poo, using the This explains all modern poo observations well
Lorentz Coordinate Transformations [8] beyond our experimental constraints, and is
bound to revolutionise our quantum technol-
ct0 = γ(ct − βx) (5) ogy.
x0 = γ(x − βct) (6)
QPD introduces poo motion that obeys the
y0 = y (7)
Heisenberg Uncertainty Relation. A precise
z0 = z (8)
measurement of the motion of poo would re-
Where the relativistic factors sult in its position being uncertain and vice
versa. As a result, QPD models nanopoo as a
v
β = (9) wavepacket that modulates in space.
c
1
γ = p (10) QPD has revolutionary quantum technology
1 − v 2 /c2
in store for the future. The current R&D in
It was found that a small clock attached to a Quantum Optics can be extended to QPD, and
piece of poo was slower than a clock attached to we would soon see the introduction of Quan-
the excreting human. The effects were slightly tum Poo Dots and Quantum Poo Wires.
modified when experiments were conducted on
elephants, as one had to take General Rela-
tivistic considerations into account [9].
6 Conclusion

5 Quantum Poo Dynamics The past few centuries have seen the develop-
ment of PDT using classical models, followed
(QPD)
by the incorporation of relativistic and quan-
tum effects. However, the tremendous success
The theory of Quantum Mechanics, established of QPD and potential applications will ensure
in 1926 following the Copenhagen Interpre- that in the future, poo will be much more than
tation introduces an inherent uncertainty in just a pile of shit.
measurements on the nanoscale. This has re-
sulted in modifications to PDT. The advent of
Quantum Electrodynamics (QED) and perspi-
cacious efforts by numerous theorists (mostly References
confined to the realms of their toilets) has
resulted in the establishment of the infalli- [1] I. Newton. Principia Mathematica. The
ble Quantum Poo Dynamics (QPD) [10, 11]. Royal Society Press, 1708.

3
[2] P.T. Jackson. The Complete Works of Eu-
ler, Lagrange and Hamilton. Oxford Uni-
versity Press, 1832.

[3] G.K. Batchelor. An Introduction to Fluid

Dynamics. Cambridge University Press,
1998.

[4] G.W. Leibnitz. Optimising Poo Fall using

Differential Methods. Eur. Phys. Mag. 23
(1701) 27.

[5] P.M. Chaikin and T.C. Lubensky. Prin-

ciples of Condensed Matter Physics.
Addison-Wesley 1996.

[6] G.G. Stokes. On the dynamics of non-

viscous Newtonian Fluids. Proc. Roy. Soc.
London 42 (1854) 71.

[7] A. Einstein. Auf der Brownschen Bewe-

gung der kleinen Scheißepartikel. Annalen
der Physik 19 (1908) 328.

[8] A. Einstein. Zur Elektrodynamik be-

wegter Körper. Annalen der Physik 17
(1905) 639.

[9] W. Rindler. Relativity: Special, Gen-

eral and Cosmological. Oxford University
Press, 2001.

[10] R.P. Feynman QPD: The Strange The-

ory of Quantum Poo and Energy. Addison
Wesley 1974.

[11] S. Weinberg. The Quantum Theory of

Fields. Cambridge University Press, 1995.