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October 28, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 9 pittifulnews.com

Varsity Teams Say: Get Over It

WILLS BUTLER senior writer Debate has raged recently in regards to the controversial policy regarding the varsity fields and training facilities. While unused much of the time, club sports are forbidden from using them. The university has to pay to transport teams to alternative facilities, and our inability to host tournaments of our own has made us the laughingstock of the intermural sports community. The student government board has been meeting with these coaches and student leaders to make a comprehensive list of demands before appealing to the University again for the right to use these facilities. But the Varsity players CONT ON PAGE 2 VARSITY
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 pun of the week the sluts prayer page 3 weekly forecast halloween treat ideas page 4 why im spending halloween in jail words to impress the ladies

As always, Real Life continues to supply more nightmare fuel than Halloween ever could - WILLS BUTLER, STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER when I tried to shave myself for maximum fun at the Halloween party I was attending that night. JAKE SWANSON when I used it to trim Norton and his senior writer my beard the next day, fellow neighborhood there was sugary juice residents are not the Trick-or-Treaters smeared all over it. It only ones who have should be on the lookout was awful. been affected by this for a recent trend of supApparently, the devious trick. Appleposed-treat-givers pulling owner of the stillsoaking popped up in nasty pranks with razor unidentified house had multiple places across blades and apples. taken the razors that he/ the country. Last year, there she gave out as favors My brother, were no less than 11 re- out of their boxes and whos an officer at ported cases of costumed soaked them in the fruity Michigan State, says children receiving razor juice with malicious in- similar things happened blades that had been cov- tent. up there, said Pitt poered in apple juice. If they meant lice member Corey I was so excited to harm neighborhood Trimms. Similar sugwhen I got a new Gillette kids like us, then they ary messes. Not quite from one of the houses succeeded, said Norton. the same, though; I on Atwood, said Pitt I havent even menthink he said it was senior Steve Norton. But tioned what happened CONT PAGE 3 RZR

Beware of Dangerous Tricks Posing as Treats

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the pittiful news

october 28, 2011

CONT FROM PAGE 1 VARSITY and coaches could save them some time and effort with their previously prepared counter-argument: Get over it. Indeed, the prevailing theory among these star athletes is that the Varsity fields are for Varsity players only, and they make a good point. Its in the name! Varsity fields. Non-varsity players using them doesnt even make sense! said one Junior field-hockey player (wishing to remain un-named). So what if I dont use it? Its still mine! Another student, a swimmer, expanded even further on this train of thought: I mean, like, isnt that communism? Sharing is basically antiAmerican if you look at it that way! adding later, If I need to go swim-

ming at any point in time, that entire pool must be open. Also, the other two. Even non-athlete students agree that being on a Varsity team does in fact make you a better and overall superior person. Fighting it is really just fighting nature. And Darwin never loses. Clearly, the counterarguments build up quickly and the University must weigh both sides carefully before making a decision. With the most sway in the final decision, however, are the coaches, one of whom I had the pleasure of listening to earlier this week. Its a slippery slope, thats what it is. First, we let people have partial use of our three pools, multiple fields, and gymnasiums. Next,

we have to allow non-intermural teams to use the fields and pools. Then you find football practice has been cancelled due to a Quiditch Tournament or even worse: those Nerf-gun wielding assholes from Humans vs. Zombies! Im not willing to take that risk! And for the moment, it appears we are all safe; our top statisticians here at the Pittiful News have found that with the current levels of opposition and bureaucratic bullshit, clubs will only be allowed partial use of the fields in 2938 C.E. Pools will remain off-limits indefinitely.

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Pittiful News? He heard it had great circulation.
WILLS BUTLER Staff Contributor

Prayer of the Slutty-Costumed

KELSEY HENKE Editor-in-chief

Our Grandma who art on Facebook hallowed be thy name. Meemaw you are the champion of commenting on all my statuses, may you be glorified by all your Facebook stalking. Curious, curious grandma, photo albums and shared links are full of your comments; screwed is she who posts the slutty cop outfit without changing the privacy settings. Thy fretful calls and voicemails come. May liquor, pumpkin pie and skankdom reign in our hearts, may your kingdom of knee length skirts and canned yams reign somewhere else. Thy will is going to be ignored tonight. Give us this day our short skirts and cleavage-bearing tops. Grandma, grant us this one time exemption. Ignore my fishnets and high heels. And forgive us our dressing like a cheap hooker as we forgive those who do not. We repent of our sins and ask you to forgive us, in your old person name, cleanse your eyes with Visine. Lead us not into mass private messages about deteriorating morality, but gossip with your neighbors instead. Amen.

Amen to that, Brother KELSEY HENKE, STAFF CONTRIBUTOR

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

october 28, 2011

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RZR CONT FROM PAGE 1 more Red Delicious juice there. Close analysis and DNA testing here showed more Macintosh and Fuji signs. Juicing is not the only trick being played with apples and blades, though. One students blade was really dull. Were guessing that the perpetrator whittled the blade down a bunch on the core of an apple. Honeycrisp, I should add, Office Trimms said. The student in question, CMU junior Gala Pedansky, is still undergoing counseling. It just tore my legs up, she said. I couldnt show them off all that night, andwell, what was the point of going out at all, then? Officers are on the lookout for repeating offenses, and anyone who is planning such an incident should be aware that charges may be pressed. These pranks are not harmless. My son got one of the juiced blades, said Oakland resident Crispin Peel. He wasnt old enough to shave, didnt know what a razor was, and so thought it was candy. And because of the apple juice on it, he thought it tasted good. Im still working on convincing him that shaving cream is not Reddi-Whip. Residents are recommended, in order to avoid investigation, to simply give out ordinary Halloween favors, instead of going through the hassle now involved with handing out razor blades. The core issue here is the

untraceable nature of Halloween treats, said Officer Trimms. All the problems stem from that. The easiest way to avoid entanglement is to just give out what wed consider normal to give out at Halloween. Officer Trimms included a list of these items, and wishes eve-

List of Recommended Halloween Treats

Officer Trimms: Have you been naughty yet this Halloween? WILLS BUTLER STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

Kit-Kats Reeses Cups Whoppers (if you want to be hated) Popcorn Balls Condoms Pop Nerds (especially the ones who are taking up space in your basement. Trick-orTreaters could always use a new Raid buddy or League of Legends teammate) Tootsie Rolls Blowpops Blow-up dolls Blowjobs (Ed. - The Pittiful News Heartily endorses this suggestion) TVs Beer Vodka Little Hugs Pretzels Miniature Christian pamphlets Money Jawbreakers Nutcrackers Fistbumpers A NEW CAR! Gummi Worms Donuts Cookies

the pittiful news

october 28, 2011

Turns Out There Was a Football Game on Wednesday?

WILLS BUTLER senior writer As the senior sports correspondent here at the pittiful news, I pride myself in keeping up to date with all the goings on in sports. For example: Michael Jordan retired! And then played baseball for a little bit? Something like that. In any case, imagine my surprise when I wake up on Thursday to find we had played a football game the previous night and won! Immediately I painted my chest with the words High Octane and ran (otherwise naked) through the streets of Oakland. But as I ran, hair and other appendages flowing (or flopping, respectively) in the wind, I couldnt help but think, Why wasnt I invited? I continued this thought process well into the arrest and subsequent ride to the police station, and while being fingerprinted for the umpteenth time this semester, I came to a sudden realization. Eureka! I shouted, bounding out of my captors grasps and back into the street. Spectators were stunned at my frankly phenomenal naked-parkour skills as I deftly made my way to the William Pitt Union. Red and Blue lights were flashing close behind me as I finally dashed the last few feet to my prize. Freeze Scum!, I heard faintly, as if from another world. Because I was rubbing the Panthers Nose. The cold brass quickly warmed under my embrace, as if the Panther knew. After a few minutes the Pitt Police pulled me off the statue, laughing at both of our errors. Son, you should have just

S P O O O O K Y W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E LADIES Please come home with me; you never know what I'll turn into at midnight! WILLS BUTLER Staff Contributor

Iguanas love celebrating Halloween, even though they are refused candy at many houses
WILLS BULTER,

STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

said you wanted to pet the Panther! You get either that or a phone call The moral of this story is two-fold. One: Never neglect the Panthers nose. Its love is what sustains us through the long drought of football victories. And Two: Uh, I wouldnt touch the Panther with your bare skin for a while. Wait for a couple more rainstorms, and even then, use caution. You dont know where Ive been.

JOIN THE CLUB meetings monday 8:31pm willam pitt union room 510
CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Wills Butler Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Writer Staff Photographer Staff Editor John Lee Jake Swanson Content Editor Senior Writer